第十章: 白痴 Why Didn’t I Just Walk Away? Oh Right, Because I’m An Idiot.
I felt like — like I don’t know what. Like this wasn’t real. Like I was in some Goth version of a bad sitcom. Instead of being the A/V dweeb about to ask the head cheerleader to the prom, I was the finished-second-place werewolf about to ask the vampire’s wife to shack up and procreate. Nice.
我感觉，感觉什么都不了解。好像这一切不是真的。我好像用某种德国哥特人的视角在看一部美国的连续剧。就像一个无聊至极的人却要出任大学舞会的拉拉队长，我这头永远居于次席的狼人正准备邀请吸血鬼的妻子和我同居，并繁育后代。“非常好”。
I hesitated in the open doorway, not sure what to do now. It was better right there, with a little bit of breathable air blowing in from outside.
我在门廊的入口处踌躇不前，不确定接下来要怎么做。站在那里感觉还好些，外面多少有些可供呼吸的空气流动进来。
No, I wouldn’t do it. It was twisted and wrong. I was going to forget all about what he’d said.
不，我才不会这样干呢。这太扭曲了，并且是不对的。我要忘了所有他说的话。
But I would talk to her. I’d try to make her listen to me. And she wouldn’t. Just like always.
但是我还是会和她谈谈，试着让她听从我的意见。但是她不会的。就像往常一样。
Edward didn’t answer or comment on my thoughts as he led the way back to the house. I wondered about the place that he’d chosen to stop. Was it far enough from the house that the others couldn’t hear his whispers? Was that the point?
爱德华领着我走回屋子，一路上没有就我的想法做任何回答或是发表评论。我琢磨着他刚才选择停下来的地点。是不是因为离得够远，其他人听不到他的讲话？我是不是猜对了？
Maybe. When we walked through the door, the other Cullens’ eyes were suspicious and confused. No one looked disgusted or outraged. So they must not have heard either favor Edward had asked me for.
也许吧。当我们进门的时候，卡伦家其他人的眼神中都露出猜疑和不解。没有人看起来觉得龌龊或者是愤怒的。所以他们一定都没有听到任何一个爱德华让我的帮的忙。
Edward walked into the middle of the huddle, shoulders stiff. Bella watched him anxiously, and then her eyes flickered to me for a second. Then she was watching him again.
爱德华板着肩走入了中厅。贝拉担心地看着他，接着闪烁的视线在我身上逗留一秒钟后，目光又转回去追随着他。
Her face turned a grayish pale, and I could see what he meant about the stress making her feel worse.
她面如死灰，我终于明白他说的“压力只会加重她的病情”。
“We’re going to let Jacob and Bella speak privately,” Edward said. There was no inflection at all in his voice. Robotic.
“我们接下来要让雅各布和贝拉单独谈谈，”爱德华开口说到。机械地音调没有起伏。
Edward didn’t look at her. “Bella,” he said in that same empty tone. “Jacob wants to talk to you. Are you afraid to be alone with him?”
爱德华没有理睬她。“贝拉，”还是同样空洞的音调。“雅各布想要和你谈谈。单独和他在一起你害怕吗？”
“Over my pile of ashes,” Rosalie hissed at him. She was still hovering by Bella’s head, one of her cold hands placed possessively on Bella’s sallow cheek.
“除非从我的灰烬上踩过去，”罗莎莉向他发出威吓。她仍然罩在贝拉的头顶，一只手霸道地放在Bella蜡黄的脸上。
“Rose, it’s fine. Jake’s not going to hurt us. Go with Edward.”
“罗莎，没事的。杰克不会伤害我们的。和爱德华一起出去吧。”
Bella looked at me, confused. Then she looked at Rosalie.
贝拉看看我，一脸被搞糊涂了的表情。接着她转向罗莎莉。
“It might be a trick,” the blonde warned.
“这可能是个陷阱，”那个金发的警告她。
“I don’t see how,” Bella said.
“我看不像，”贝拉说。
“Carlisle and I will always be in your sight, Rosalie,” Edward said. The emotionless voice was cracking, showing the anger through it. “We’re the ones she’s afraid of.”
“卡莱尔和我不会离开你的视线，罗莎莉，”爱德华说。冷漠的语调也难掩迸发的怒火。“我们才是她害怕的人。”
“No,” Bella whispered. Her eyes were glistening, her lashes wet. “No, Edward. I’m not…”
“不，”贝拉虚弱地说。眼中闪着晶莹的泪光，沾湿了睫毛。“不，爱德华。我才没有……”
Sickening. He was right — she was beating herself up about hurting his feelings. The girl was a classic martyr. She’d totally been born in the wrong century. She should have lived back when she could have gotten herself fed to some lions for a good cause.
看不下去了。他是对的——她因为伤了他的感情而深深自责。这个女孩儿是个典型的殉道者，完全生错了时代。她应该生活在过去，因为一些高尚的理由就可以以身殉狮。
The composure he was trying to keep up for Bella was shaky. I could see how close he was to that burning man he’d been outside. The others saw it, too. Silently, they moved out the door while I shifted out of the way. They moved fast; my heart beat twice, and the room was cleared except for Rosalie, hesitating in the middle of the floor, and Edward, still waiting by the door.
他对着贝拉假装出来的平静是那么地脆弱。在他走出去的时候我能看到他有多么地崩溃。其他人也看出来了。我向屋里走去的时候，他们鱼贯而出，没有一个人说话。他们的动作很迅速，我的心跳才跳了两下，屋子里除了罗莎莉就没有别人了。她还在屋子中间徘徊，而爱德华还是等在门口。
He shook his head, smiling a little. The smile was painful to look at. “I didn’t mean it that way, Bella. I’m fine. Don’t worry about me.”
他摇摇头，勉强地牵动嘴角，扯出一个难看的微笑。“我没有那个意思，贝拉。我很好。别为我担心了。”
The blonde glared at Edward and then gestured for him to go first. He disappeared out the door. She gave me a long warning glower, and then she disappeared, too.
金发妞儿瞥了眼爱德华，随后做了个手势示意他先走。爱德华消失在了门口，她充满警示意味地狠狠地瞪了我很长时间，随即也消失了。
“Everyone,” Edward said, his hand stiffly motioning toward the door. “Please.”
“每个人，”爱德华说着拉开门。“请吧。”
“Rose,” Bella said quietly. “I want you to go.”
“罗莎，”贝拉平静地说。“我想你还是出去一下。”
Once we were alone, I crossed the room and sat on the floor next to Bella. I took both her cold hands in mine, rubbing them carefully.
一旦屋里只剩我们两个。我立即穿过房间，坐在了Bella身边的地上。抓起她一双冰冷的手，小心地搓热它们。
“I’m not going to lie, Bells. You’re hideous.”
“我不准备撒谎，贝拉。你的样子太可怕了。”
She laughed. “It’s so good having you here. It feels nice to smile. I don’t know how much more drama I can stand.”
她笑了。“你能在这儿真是太好了。能笑总是好的。我不知道我还能接受多少如此戏剧化的刺激。”
“Thing from the swamp scary,” I agreed.
“吓人的事情可是应接不暇，”我认同说。
“Missed that one.”
“我也很怀念那部片子。”
She grinned at me. Her skin stretched tight over the bones. “I can’t take credit — I got it off a rerun of The Simpsons.”
她咧开嘴冲我笑笑。皮肤紧贴着骨头。“不是我说，《辛普森一家》的重播，它好像很喜欢。”
“I told you –,” I started to say.
“我告诉过你——”我开始往下说。
“Yeah, you do. What’re you thinking, Bells? Seriously!”
“是的，确实如此。你到底在想些什么呢，贝拉？我是认真的！”
She sighed.
她叹了口气。
We didn’t talk for a minute. Her hands were starting to warm up a little. “Did he really ask you to talk to me?”
接下来的一分钟我们谁都没有说话。她的手开始暖和起来了。“他真的让你跟我谈谈？”
“Thanks, Jake. That feels good.”
“谢谢，杰克。感觉好多了。”
“Did you know that ‘I told you so’ has a brother, Jacob?” she asked, cutting me off. “His name is ‘Shut the hell up.'”
“雅各布，你有没有听说过‘我告诉过你会这样’有个同义词？”她打断了我的话，反问了我一句。“它叫‘闭上该死的嘴’。”
“Sort of. Though I can’t figure why he thinks you’d listen to me. You never have before.”
“差不多。我搞不清楚为什么他认为你就会听我的。你从来都没有听过。”
I rolled my eyes.
我睁圆了眼。
“I know,” she sighed. “I’m scary-looking.”
“我知道，”她叹了口气。“我的样子怪吓人的。”
“Good one.”
“听上去不错。”
“Did he ask you to yell at me?”
“他有让你吼我吗？”
“It was funny.”
“很有趣噢。”
“Okay, okay,” she agreed. “I bring it on myself.”
“好吧，好吧，”她赞同地说。“是我自找的。”
“So why did you agree?”
“那你为什么还答应下来？”
I didn’t answer. I wasn’t sure I knew.
我没有回答，连自己都不知道答案。
I nodded. “To talk some sense into you. There’s a battle that’s lost before it starts.”
我点点头。“跟你谈谈，让你多少有些分寸。虽然这场仗还没打我就已经知道输定了。”
“It’ll work out, you know,” she said after a quiet minute. “I believe that.”
“你要知道，会过去的，”沉默了一阵子后，她说。“我坚信。”
That made me see red again. “Is dementia one of your symptoms?” I snapped.
我的火气又上来了。“脑残是不是也是你的症状之一？”我厉声说。
She laughed, though my anger was so real that my hands were shaking around hers.
她笑了。可是我的气愤却不假，握着她的手也不住地颤抖。
“Especially for you,” she said. She was smiling. She pulled one of her hands away from mine and pressed it against my cheek. Warmer than before, but it felt cool against my skin, like most things did. “More than anyone else, you’ve got some magic waiting to make things right for you.”
“尤其是你，”她说。她笑着，从我手里抽出一只手贴在我的脸庞。尽管她的手已经温热了不少，但是就像其他东西一样，以我的体温来说还是觉得很冷。“比任何人都要强烈，在你前方的路上一定还有神奇的魔力在等着你，把你拉回正轨。”
“Maybe,” she said. “I’m not saying things will work out easily, Jake. But how could I have lived through all that I’ve lived through and not believe in magic by this point?”
“也许吧，”她说。“我可没说事情会那么简单就过去，杰克。可是为什么历经了那么多不可思议的事情之后，到了现在我反而不去相信还有神奇存在呢？”
I did know this — every second I spent with her was only going to add to the pain I would have to suffer later. Like a junkie with a limited supply, the day of reckoning was coming for me. The more hits I took now, the harder it would be when my supply ran out.
我只知道一点——我现在和她共同度过的时间，每多一秒钟，将来就会忍受多一份的痛苦。就像一个瘾君子却只有有限的供给一样，清算的那天离我不远了。我现在吸得越多，没有毒品后的日子就越艰难。
“Magic?”
“神奇？”
Still smiling. “Edward told me once what it was like — your imprinting thing. He said it was like A Midsummer Night’s Dream, like magic. You’ll find who you’re really looking for, Jacob, and maybe then all of this will make sense.”
还是那张笑脸。“爱德华告诉过我这种感觉，关于你们印刻的事情。他说这种就像是《仲夏夜之梦》里面的感觉，很神奇。你会发现你命中注定的那个人，雅各布，然后一切就都会变得天经地义的。”
“If you think that imprinting could ever make sense of this insanity…” I struggled for words.
可惜她是，我只能低低地向她咆哮。“如果你认为印刻的事情就能够让这一切的疯狂变得天经地义的话……”我挣扎着组织语句。
“What are you babbling about?”
“你在胡说些什么呢？”
“Do you really think that just because I might someday imprint on some stranger it would make this right?” I jabbed a finger toward her swollen body.”
“你是不是就认为如果某天我印刻在了一个陌生人身上，才算是正确的？”我伸出一根手指戳戳她那肿胀的身体。”
If she hadn’t looked so fragile I would’ve been screaming. As it was, I did growl at her.
如果她看起来不是有那么虚弱的话，我也许就会放声尖叫起来。
“What’s the point to all the pain? Mine, yours, his! You’ll kill him, too, not that I care about that.”
“经历了那么多的痛苦是为了什么？我的，你的，还有他的！你同样也会杀死他的，虽然我是不可惜的。”
“Tell me what the point was then, Bella! What was the point of me loving you? What was the point of you loving him? When you die” — the words were a snarl — “how is that ever right again?”
“告诉我这都是为了什么，贝拉！我那么爱你到底为了什么？你那么爱他又是为了什么？你要是死了”……话语升级成了咆哮……“还有什么对错可言呢？”
She flinched, but I kept going. “So what was the point of your twisted love story, in the end? If there is any sense, please show me, Bella, because I don’t see it.”
她畏缩了，但是我依然在继续。“那么，你们这样扭曲的爱情故事说到底又是为了什么？如果还有任何意义，给我看看啊，贝拉。我看不见啊。”
She sighed. “I don’t know yet, Jake. But I just… feel… that this is all going somewhere good, hard to see as it is now. I guess you could call it faith.”
她叹了口气。“我还不知道，杰克。但是我只是能……感觉到……这是往好的地方在发展的，只是现在很难看到。我猜你可以称之为‘命运’。”
“You’re dying for nothing, Bella! Nothing!”
“你的死毫无意义，贝拉！毫无意义！”
Her hand dropped from my face to her bloated stomach, caressed it. She didn’t have to say the words for me to know what she was thinking. She was dying for it.
她的手从我的脸庞滑落，爱抚起她那鼓胀的腹部。她什么都不用说我就知道她在想什么。她愿意为了它而死。
“I’m not going to die,” she said through her teeth, and I could tell she was repeating things she’d said before. “I will keep my heart beating. I’m strong enough for that.”
“我不会死的，”她咬牙切齿地说，不断重复着之前的论调。“我的心脏还是会继续跳动。我足够强壮可以经历这一切。”
She nodded, not meeting my eyes. “Did you know Esme jumped off a cliff? When she was human, I mean.”
她点点头，避开我的视线。“你知不知道埃斯米曾经从悬崖上掉下去的事？我指在她还是人类的时候。”
“That’s a load of crap, Bella. You’ve been trying to keep up with the supernatural for too long. No normal person can do it. You’re not strong enough.” I took her face in my hand. I didn’t have to remind myself to be gentle. Everything about her screamed breakable.
“一派胡言，贝拉。你大概在这个超自然的世界中待得太久了。没有一个正常人能做到这一点。你还没强壮到这个地步。”我捧起她的脸。不用刻意提醒自己温柔，她的一切都在叫嚣着崩塌。
“Doesn’t look like it to me. So what’s your plan? I hope you have one.”
“我看不出来。那你的计划是什么？我希望你已经有了一个。”
“I can do this. I can do this,” she muttered, sounding a lot like that kids’ book about the little engine that could.
“我可以做到，我可以做到的，”她喃喃自语，听起来很像那本关于小发动机的小朋友的书。
“You’re not planning on surviving this human,” I stated dully.
“你没打算以人类的身份生存下来，”我茫然地总结了一句。
“So?”
“那又怎么样？”
“So she was close enough to dead that they didn’t even bother taking her to the emergency room — they took her right around to the morgue. Her heart was still beating, though, when Carlisle found her…”
“她没救了，所以人们甚至懒得把她推进急救室，虽然她的心脏依然在跳动，但是还是被丢在了太平间，直到卡莱尔发现了她……”
That’s what she’d meant before, about keeping her heart beating.
这就是她之前想要说的，保持心脏跳动。
“No. I’m not stupid.” She met my stare then. “I guess you probably have your own opinion on that point, though.”
“不。我不蠢。”她对上我的眼。“虽然我觉得你对这点会有你自己的见解。”
“Emergency vampirization,” I mumbled.
“吸血鬼化急救，”我小声地说。
“Listen to me, Bells. Don’t do it that way.” Like before, when the call from Charlie had come, I could see how much difference it really made to me. I realized I needed her to stay alive, in some form. In any form. I took a deep breath. “Don’t wait until it’s too late, Bella. Not that way. Live. Okay? Just live. Don’t do this to me. Don’t do it to him.” My voice got harder, louder. “You know what he’s going to do when you die. You’ve seen it before. You want him to go back to those Italian killers?” She cringed into the sofa.
“听我说，贝拉。别这样做。”那个时候，查理一个电话打来，我才意识到这对我来说区别到底有多大。我意识到我需要她活着，以某种形态。以任何形式。我深深地吸了口气。“别等到一切都太迟的时候，贝拉。别选择那个方式。活着。好吗？只要活着就好，别这样对我，也不要这样对他。”我的语气强硬了起来，拔高了声音。“你知道如果你死了，他会怎么办吗。你之前也看到过的呀。你希望他回到那些意大利杀手们那里去吗？”她瑟缩进沙发。
“It worked for Esme. And Emmett, and Rosalie, and even Edward. None of them were in such great shape. Carlisle only changed them because it was that or death. He doesn’t end lives, he saves them.”
“这救了埃斯米。同样也救了埃美特，罗莎莉甚至还有爱德华。不过他们都没有伤得那么重就是了。卡莱尔改变了他们只是因为如果不是这样，等待他们的只有死路一条。他并没有终结生命，而是挽救了他们。”
I felt a sudden twinge of guilt about the good vampire doctor, like before. I shoved the thought away and started in on the begging.
就像刚才那样，突如其来的罪恶感刺痛了我。我抛开了那些想法，开始苦口婆心地劝导她。
“You told me to be good and listen to Carlisle,” I reminded her. “And what did I do? I listened to the vampire. For you.”
“你要我乖乖的，听卡莱尔的话，”我提醒她。“我又怎么做了呢？我听从了一个吸血鬼，为了你。”
I waited, but she wouldn’t answer. She pressed her lips together.
我等着，但是她没有回答，而是紧紧抿着嘴唇。
“Okay — pick either reason.”
“好吧——随便理由是什么。”
“You listened because it was the right thing to do.”
“你听从是因为那样做才是对的。”
Struggling to make my voice softer, I asked, “Remember when I got mangled up by those newborns? What did you tell me?”
费了好大劲我才让自己的语调显得温和些，我问她，“还记不记得当我被那些新生吸血鬼弄伤的时候？你跟我说过些什么？”
Her face turned pink. The color was so beautiful — it twisted in my stomach like a knife. A serrated knife, rusty and ragged.
她的脸色绯红。如此漂亮的颜色——我看在眼里，心里却好像被刀一刀一刀地剜过。还是一把带有锯齿，生锈粗糙的刀。
I was going to lose this. Again.
我又将失去它，再一次地。
I left out the part about how that wouldn’t be necessary this time.
我故意隐去了一部分，这次也许连这个必要都没有了。
My hands shook again. “Oh, I hadn’t heard the great news. A bouncing baby boy, huh? Shoulda brought some blue balloons.”
我再次摇摇头表示无奈。“噢，我还没有恭喜这个天大的好消息呢。是一个活泼的男婴，嗯？要不要我带些蓝色的气球来庆祝。”
She took a deep breath. “It’s not the right thing now.” Her gaze touched her big round stomach and she whispered under her breath, “I won’t kill him.”
她做了个深呼吸。“可现在这样做是不对的。”她的目光聚焦在她那浑圆的腹部，轻声地叹息说，“我不会杀了他的。”
“I don’t know he’s a boy,” she admitted, a little sheepish. “The ultrasound wouldn’t work. The membrane around the baby is too hard — like their skin. So he’s a little mystery. But I always see a boy in my head.”
“我还不知道是不是男孩，”她承认说，带着几分胆怯。“超声波不起作用。包裹胎儿的胎膜实在太坚硬了，就像他们的皮肤那样。所以他仍然是个谜。但是我总是能看到一个男孩闪现在我脑海。”
“You’re very pessimistic, Jacob. There is definitely a chance that I might walk away from this.”
“你太悲观了，雅各布。我笃定能够有机会顺利经历这一段。”
I was dangerously close to that offer he wanted me to make. I could see the words taking me that way, but I couldn’t change their direction.
我就差那么一点点就要把他请求我做的事情脱口而出了。我能看到我正在把话题带往那个方向，而且根本没办法回头。
“What’s the deal, Bella?” I stared at the pale carpet. My bare feet were dirty, leaving smudges. Good. “I thought the whole point was that you wanted your vampire more than anything. And now you’re just giving him up? That doesn’t make any sense. Since when are you desperate to be a mom? If you wanted that so much, why did you marry a vampire?”
“是出于什么动机，贝拉？”我盯着地上惨白的地毯。污秽的赤脚在那上面留下了点点污迹。很好。“我本来以为你想要变成吸血鬼的念头胜过一切。现在你准备抛弃他了吗？没有道理啊。从什么时候开始你那么渴望要成为一名母亲的？如果你那么迫切，那又何必要嫁给一个吸血鬼呢？”
“Jake,” she said, and she patted my hair, stroked my cheek. “It’s going to be okay. Shh. It’s okay.”
“杰克，”她边说边轻轻地拍了拍我的头发，安抚我的脸庞。“一切都会好起来的。嘘～会没事的。”
“We’ll see,” she said. Almost smug.
“我们走着瞧，”她说。一副洋洋得意的神态。
She wiped something wet from my cheek. “Shh.”
她轻拭去我脸上湿漉漉的玩意儿。“嘘～”
She sighed. “It’s not like that. I didn’t really care about having a baby. I didn’t even think about it. It’s not just having a baby. It’s… well… this baby.”
她叹了口气。“不是那样的。我并不是真正在乎要有个孩子什么的。我连想都没想过这个问题。这不只是有了孩子那么简单。是……恩……因为是‘这个’孩子。”
“You won’t,” I snarled.
“你不会赢的，”我咆哮着叫喊说。
“It’s not some pretty baby in there, Bella.”
“那也绝对不会是个好孩子的，贝拉。”
I didn’t look up. “No. It will not be okay.”
我依然没有抬起头。“不，不会有那一天的。”
I couldn’t answer. I looked down and breathed deep and slow, trying to get a grip on my fury.
我默不作答。低下头，缓缓地深吸了几口气，想要平静我的怒火。
“Aw, come on! Shut up, Bella. You can spout this crap to your bloodsucker, but you’re not fooling me. You know you’re not going to make it.”
“哦，省省吧！住口，贝拉。那些胡话留着去跟你的吸血鬼说，但是你骗不了我。你知道你过不了这一关的。”
“Bella,” I said.
“贝拉，”我说。
“It’s a killer, Bella. Look at yourself.”
“它是个杀人魔，贝拉。看看你自己就知道了。”
“Worried about it,” I repeated through my teeth.
“担心它，”我忿忿地咬牙重复说。
I almost gagged, and I understood what he’d said, about watching it hurt her. Suddenly, I felt a little crazy myself.
我说不上话来，明白了他刚才跟我说的那些话，只能眼看着它伤害她。突然，我觉得自己也有些不正常了。
“I’m fine,” she panted. “It’s nothing.”
“我没事，”她上气不接下气地说道。“没事。”
“He’s not. It’s me. I’m just weak and human. But I can tough this out, Jake, I can –“
“他不是。是我的错。我只是一个弱小的人类，但是我能坚持到最后的，杰克，我能……”
She saw my stare, and she yanked the fabric back in place.
她注意到了我在看她，慌忙把衣服遮回了原处。
“He’s strong, that’s all,” she said defensively.
“他很强健，就是这么回事。”她言之凿凿。
She heard the change in my voice. She looked up, still breathing heavy, her eyes confused.
她听出了我换了一种语气。于是抬起头，困惑地看着我，还是在粗重地喘着气。
She gasped then and clutched at her stomach. My fury vanished like a light switch being turned off.
突然间，她大口地喘着气，还紧紧地搂住她的肚子。我满腔的怒火就像一根点燃的火柴一样，轻易地就烟消云散了。
She glared at me. “I do not know that. I’m worried about it, sure.”
她瞪了我一眼。“我是不知道。我当然也很担心这个孩子。”
The ink spots were bruises.
那些墨迹是瘀青。
But I didn’t hear; her hands had pulled her sweatshirt to the side, and I stared, horrified, at the skin it exposed. Her stomach looked like it was stained with big splotches of purple-black ink.
但是我什么都听不进去了。她的汗衫被手撩拨到一边，露出了皮肤。我呆呆地看着，吓傻了。她的整个腹部看上去好像被泼上了墨水，残留下了点点紫黑色的墨迹。
“Listen to me. Don’t get your back up yet. Okay? Just listen. What if…?”
“听我说。先别指望你的预备方案，好吗？先听听，如果……？”
“Oh. Ugh. Please, Jacob. You think I should kill my baby and replace it with some generic substitute? Artificial insemination?” She was mad now. “Why would I want to have some stranger’s baby? I suppose it just doesn’t make a difference? Any baby will do?”
“噢。额。算你狠，雅各布。你认为我应该杀了我自己的小孩，然后替换其他的基因？比如人工授精？”她现在彻底疯了。“为什么我要怀上一个陌生人的孩子？我觉得这才是没有分别呢。你以为任何孩子都可以吗？”
“What if what?”
“如果什么？”
Then she blinked, and I could see she got it.
可是马上，她眨眨眼睛，看得出来她已经知道了大概。
“Jake –“
“杰克——”
Her tired face just got more confused. “What?”
她疲惫的脸愈发困惑了。“什么？”
“Bella, don’t do this.”
“贝拉，别这样了。”
“I’m not done yet. So you stay alive. Then you can start over. This didn’t work out. Try again.”
“我还没说完呢。你活着，还可以从头来过。如果还是没能有好办法，就再试一次。”
“I won’t –“
“我不会——”
“What if this wasn’t a one-shot deal? What if it wasn’t all or nothing? What if you just listened to Carlisle like a good girl, and kept yourself alive?”
“如果这不是一桩一锤子买卖？如果这不是一个非是既否的问题？如果你就做个乖女孩儿听Carlisle的话，好好活下去呢？”
“Yes,” I snapped. “Any kid of his would be the same.”
“是的，”我不客气地打断她。“任何他的小孩都会是一样的。”
She frowned. She raised one hand and touched the place where my eyebrows were mashing together. Her fingers smoothed my forehead for a moment while she tried to make sense of it.
她皱皱眉。一只手伸向我眉毛拧成死结的地方，手指抚平了我的前额，认真地思考着。
“I don’t understand… What do you mean, try again? You can’t think Edward would let me…? And what difference would it make? I’m sure any baby –“
“我不明白……你说的‘再试一次’是什么意思？你觉得爱德华会让我这样做吗……会有什么分别？我敢说任何小孩——”
But I couldn’t say any more. There was no point. I would never be able to save her from herself. I’d never been able to do that.
但是我什么都没有再多说了。没有用的。只要她不想，我永远都救不了她。从来都是这样。
“Nothing. I’m saying nothing. Same as ever.”
“没什么。我什么意思也没有。说说而已。”
“Where did that come from?”
“那个想法是哪儿来的？”
“I didn’t mean that,” I muttered. “Not a stranger.”
“我不是那个意思，”我含混不清的小声说。“不是陌生人的。”
“No, really. He didn’t say anything about artificial whatever.”
“不，真的。他真没有说过人工那什么的。”
I hesitated, surprised that she’d made that leap so quick. “No.”
我犹豫着，惊讶于她的思维跳跃竟如此之快。“不是。”
“Forget it, Bella.”
“忘了吧，贝拉。”
She frowned, suspicious. “Did he tell you to say that?”
她皱起眉头，明显对我起了疑心。“是不是他让你跟我说的？”
Her face softened then, and she sank back against the pillows, looking exhausted. She stared off to the side when she spoke, not talking to me at all. “He would do anything for me. And I’m hurting him so much… But what is he thinking? That I would trade this” — her hand traced across her belly — “for some stranger’s…” She mumbled the last part, and then her voice trailed off. Her eyes were wet.
她的脸色柔和下来，又陷回了沙发的靠垫里，看上去疲惫极了。再次开口说话时，眼睛看着其他地方，好像都不是在跟我说话的样子。“他可以为了我做任何事情。而我也深深地伤害了他……但是他到底在想什么呢？认为我会把这个”说到这里，她开始顺着肚子的弧线抚摸起来。“去和一个陌生人……”后半句话她越说越轻，最后都听不见了。眼眶湿润。
She leaned forward. “Then what are you saying?”
她凑上前来。“那你是什么意思？”
“You don’t have to hurt him,” I whispered. It burned like poison in my mouth to beg for him, but I knew this angle was probably my best bet for keeping her alive. Still a thousand-to-one odds. “You could make him happy again, Bella. And I really think he’s losing it. Honestly, I do.”
“你不需要去伤害他的。”我小声说。为他求情的话从我口中讲出来，简直如同发作的毒性在我嘴巴里火烧火燎的感觉，但是为了能让她活下去，现在这位天使也许是最好的筹码了。可惜赔率仍然是一千比一。“你可以让他再次开心起来的，贝拉。我真的觉得他快要崩溃了。坦率说，我愿意。”
“He did, didn’t he?”
“就是他，对吗？”
“I told you he was going crazy. Literally, Bells.”
“我告诉过你他就快疯了。差不多就快了，贝拉。”
It was silent for a few heartbeats. I looked down at my feet again, unable to meet her stare.
我低头看着自己的脚，不敢对上她的直视。几拍心跳的沉寂之后。
“Thought about it.” I tried to grin back, but I could feel the smile mangle on my face.
“考虑一下吧。”我也试着报以一个微笑，但是笑容像是僵在脸上了一样。
Her mouth fell open a little. “Wow.”
她微微张开嘴。“哇喔。”
“Not a stranger?” she murmured to herself. I flinched. “What exactly did Edward say to you?” she asked in a low voice.
“不是一个陌生人的？”她自言自语地絮叨说。我心虚地向后退缩了一下。“Edward到底是怎么和你说的？”她低沉着声音问道。
Her eyes locked on mine, and I could see that I’d already given too much away. “Nothing.”
她的眼神紧锁在我身上，我能看出来我泄露了太多了。“什么都没说。”
She knew what I was offering, and she wasn’t going to think twice about it. I’d known that she wouldn’t. But it still stung.
她知道我提出的是怎样的条件，而她连考虑也不愿意考虑。我也早就料到了。但这个结果依然刺痛了我。
“Not that. About trying again.”
“不是那个。是关于再试一次的那部分。”
“He really would do anything, wouldn’t he?” she whispered.
“他真的什么都愿意去做，是吗？”她轻声地说。
When I looked up, she was grinning.
当我抬起头时，她正笑盈盈地对着我。
“I’m surprised you didn’t tell on him right away. Get him in trouble.”
“我倒是很惊讶你刚才竟然没有当场揭发他。给他吃点苦头。”
“Nothing. He just thought you might listen to me.”
“没什么。他只是认为你也许会听我劝。”
She didn’t seem to be listening; her hand made small circles on her battered stomach while she chewed on her lip. It was quiet for a long time. I wondered if the Cullens were very far away. Were they listening to my pathetic attempts to reason with her?
她似乎没有听见，一边咬着嘴唇，一边用手点在她那满是伤痕的腹部划着圈儿。很久都没人说话。我寻思着Cullen家的人是否都已经走远，能不能听见我打算要说服她的那个可悲企图。
“Not this time.” She sighed. “I wish I could explain it to you right so that you would understand. I can’t hurt him” — she pointed to her stomach — “any more than I could pick up a gun and shoot you. I love him.”
“起码这次不是，”她叹口气，继续说。“我希望我能恰当地解释这件事，让你理解。我不能伤害他”她指指自己的肚子。“即使要我拿起枪，向你射击，我也不能。我爱他。”
“Where are you going?”
“你要去哪儿？”
I started to get to my feet.
我站起身来。
“I don’t think I do.”
“我不认为我做错了。”
“Why did you come today?” she asked, still reaching limply.
“那你今天为什么要来呢？”她问。依旧无力地拉住我。
“I don’t belong here. I’ve got to get back.”
“我不属于这里。我要回去了。”
“It makes no difference, though, does it?”
“尽管这样，你也不会改变心意了，是吗？”
She held out her thin hand, pleading. “Don’t go.”
她伸出手，央求我留下。“别走。”
I couldn’t tell from her face whether she bought that or not.
我无法从她的表情中看出，她是不是接受了我的回答。
“I’m not doing any good here.”
“我留在这里也没什么用。”
I cleared the lump out of my throat so that I could make my voice hard like I wanted it. “Trust me.”
我清清喉咙，想要让自己听起来强硬一些。“相信我。”
I could feel the addiction sucking at me, trying to keep me near her.
我的毒瘾又上来了，竭力想要留在她的身边。
“Just to see if you were really alive. I didn’t believe you were sick like Charlie said.”
“只是来看看你是否还活着。我不相信查理说的你病了。”
“Why do you always have to love the wrong things, Bella?”
“为什么你总要爱上那些错误的事情呢，贝拉？”
“There isn’t much you wouldn’t do for me, either, is there?” she whispered. “I really don’t know why you bother. I don’t deserve either of you.”
“为了我，也没有什么事是你不愿意去做的，是吗？”她轻声说。“我搞不懂你为什么要那么为我操心呢。我不值得你们两个这么对我的。”
She flinched. “You’re right, you’re right. You should go.”
她向后退去。“你是对的，没错。你应该远离。”
“Will you come back again? Before…”
“你还会再来吗？在还没……”
I didn’t see any of the vampires. I ignored my bike, standing all alone in the middle of the meadow. It wasn’t fast enough for me now. My dad would be freaked out — Sam, too. What would the pack make of the fact that they hadn’t heard me phase? Would they think the Cullens got me before I’d had the chance? I stripped down, not caring who might be watching, and started running. I blurred into wolf mid-stride.
没看见一个吸血鬼。也没去管那辆孤零零停在草坪上的摩托车。现在我要的是速度。我父亲可能会吓得失去控制，山姆也是。整个狼群团队在我变身的这段期间内，到底会得出怎么样的结论来？他们会不会认为在我还没有出手机会的时候，卡伦家的人就把我撂倒了呢？我开始脱衣服，不在乎是不是有人会看见，然后跑了起来。一个跨步之后，我就变身成了狼形。
Come home now, the Alpha voice ordered. Sam was furious.
现在就回家，来自阿尔法的命令。山姆正在气头上。
“Sure, sure,” I mumbled on my way out.
“当然，当然，”我边走出去，边含混地回应。
“I’m not going to hang around and watch you die, Bella.”
“我不打算在这里逗留，然后看着你走向死亡，贝拉。”
I headed for the door.
我向着门口径直走去。
“Bye,” she whispered behind me. “Love you, Jake.”
“再见了，”她在我背后默念。“我会爱你的，杰克。”
They were waiting. Of course they were.
他们都在那里等着。就知道他们会这样。
Jacob, Jake, eight voices chorused in relief.
雅各布，杰克，八个释然的声音同时回响起来。
I almost went back. I almost turned around and fell down on my knees and started begging again. But I knew that I had to quit Bella, quit her cold turkey, before she killed me, like she was going to kill him.
我几乎就要回去了。我几乎就要转回身，再次跪倒下来，准备苦苦哀求。但是我知道我必须要放弃Bella了，就像她现在准备害死他一样，在她杀了我之前，我必须戒掉她。
I didn’t have to tell the pack I was on my way — they could see the forest blurring past me as I sprinted for home. I didn’t have to tell them that I was half-past crazy, either. The sickness in my head was obvious.
我用不着告诉整个队伍我还在路上——就全力向家的方向跑去的时候，他们能看到模糊的树影正急速地向后退去。我也不用告诉他们我刚才的半疯狂状态。思想中的反感是那么显而易见。
I felt Paul fade out, and I knew Billy and Rachel were waiting to hear what had happened to me. Paul was too anxious to give them the good news that I wasn’t vampire chow to listen to the whole story.
我感觉到保罗淡了出去，一定是比利和雷切尔正等着听我的消息。保罗没听完整个故事，就等不及要给他们带去好消息了，我还没有成为吸血鬼的盘中餐。
They saw all the horror — Bella’s mottled stomach; her raspy voice: he’s strong, that’s all; the burning man in Edward’s face: watching her sicken and waste away… seeing it hurting her; Rosalie crouched over Bella’s limp body: Bella’s life means nothing to her — and for once, no one had anything to say.
他们看到了所有的恐怖画面——贝拉那青紫斑驳的肚子；她粗哑的嗓音；它的强壮；爱德华急火攻心的脸：看着她一天天的虚弱下去，一步步走向死亡……看着它伤害她；罗莎莉盘踞在贝拉绵软无力的身体上：贝拉的生命对她一钱不值……第一次，大家谁都没有说话。
We met up about ten miles out of La Push, in a clearing left by the loggers. It was out of the way, wedged between two spurs of the mountain, where no one would see us. Paul found them when I did, so the pack was complete.
我们终于在距离拉普西十里开外的地方碰了头，在伐木工砍伐出的一片空地上。这里离开大路很远，位于两座山的山坳间，没有人会看到我们的。我抵达的时候，保罗也正好找到了他们，这样狼群就全员到齐了。
Their shock was just a silent shout in my head. Wordless!!!
他们的震惊在我脑中形成了无声呐喊。无言以对！！！
I was halfway home before anyone recovered. Then they all started running to meet me.
我已经奔跑了有半程路了，而他们还没有恢复过来，只是呆呆地看着我跑。
It was almost dark — the clouds covered the sunset completely. I risked darting across the freeway and made it without being seen.
天色都快黑了——黑压压的云层完全遮住了太阳。我冒险横穿过公路，还好没有被发现。
Sam’s hackles were sticking straight up, and he was growling in an unbroken stream as he paced back and forth around the top of the ring. Paul and Jared moved like shadows behind him, their ears flat against the sides of their head. The whole circle was agitated, on their feet and snarling in low bursts.
山姆开始出面干预，向后退了一步，抬起头，绵延不绝地仰天长啸起来。保罗和贾里德乖乖地像他的影子般走到了他身后，耳朵顺从地贴在脑袋上。大家一片躁动，发出一阵又一阵低沉的吼叫。
The babble in my head was total chaos. Everyone shouting at once.
大家一齐说话的声音在我脑中嘈杂一片。每个人都在同一时间大喊大叫。
At first their anger was undefined, and I thought I was in for it. I was too messed up to care about that.
一开始，他们的愤怒是没来由的，我想也许是我带来的。我自己一片混乱，没空理那些。
And then the unfocused confusion of thoughts began to move together.
接着，这些疑点渐渐汇总到了一块儿。
Not safe. Not right. Dangerous.
不安全。不正确。危险。
How can this be? What does it mean? What will it be?
怎么会这样？这意味着什么？这是什么？
We can’t allow it.
无法容忍。
Unnatural. Monstrous. An abomination.
非自然。怪物。令人厌恶的修罗。
The pack was pacing in synchronization now, thinking in synchronization, all but myself and one other. I sat beside whichever brother it was, too dazed to look over with either my eyes or my mind and see who was next to me, while the pack circled around us.
现在整个队伍都在步调一致地行进，步调一致地思考，除了我和另一头狼。我就坐在那位仁兄的旁边，但是头晕目眩的我无法用肉眼去看，也无法用心去看到底是谁在那里。不知什么时候，整个队伍把我们围在了圈的中央。
They could do whatever they wanted to me for circumventing orders.
他们问什么我就老实答什么。
If we catch them divided, we can take them down separately. It will increase our chances of victory, Jared thought, starting to strategize now.
如果我们能把他们分开，这样就能各个击破。增加我们胜利的几率。贾里德已经在布署战略了。
I tried to understand the spiraling voices, tried to follow the curling pathway the thoughts made to see where they were leading, but it wasn’t making sense. The pictures in the center of their thoughts were my pictures — the very worst of them. Bella’s bruises, Edward’s face as he burned.
我尝试分辨那些交织在一起的声音，尝试跟着他们的思想中看到的小路一起行进，但是不行。他们思想的中心画面是我脑海中的片段，最糟的那些片段。贝拉的瘀青，爱德华的怒火。
They fear it, too.
他们也同样惧怕它。
Protecting Bella Swan.
保护贝拉·斯旺。
We’re ready, Paul insisted.
我们准备好了。保罗表现得很坚定。
We’ll need surprise on our side, Sam thought.
我们需要发动奇袭，山姆想。
I struggled to focus, to pick out individual voices.
我挣扎着集中精神，分辨大伙儿的说话声。
It will mean a fight, Embry cautioned. A bad one.
这意味着一场战争，恩布里警告大家。一场浩劫。
Another of my memories, Edward’s words this time: The thing is growing. Swiftly.
我突然想起了爱德华刚刚说的话：那东西正在迅速地成长。
No time to waste, Jared thought.
不能再浪费时间了。贾里德想。
Protect the tribe.
保护部落。
But they won’t do anything about it.
但是他们什么都不能做。
Protect our families.
保护我们的家人。
If they won’t kill it, we have to.
如果他们不干掉它，那就得我们来。
We have to kill it before it’s too late.
我们要先下手为强。
This puts everyone in danger.
但这足以让每个人的性命堪忧。
The safety of our families, of everyone here, is more important than one human.
这里每一个人和我们家人的安全，比区区一个人类要来得重要。
The treaty does not cover this.
条约没有涉及到这一点。
We can’t let that influence us.
我们不能让那个玩意儿来影响我们。
There’s little time, Sam said.
没时间了。山姆说。
I shook my head, rising slowly to my feet. I felt unsteady there — like the circling wolves were making me dizzy. The wolf beside me got up, too. His shoulder pushed against mine, propping me up.
我摇摇头，缓缓站了起来。脚还有些发软，围绕着的狼群让我有些晕乎。我旁边的那头狼也同样站了起来。他用肩顶着我，支撑我站起来。
The circling paused for one beat, and then they were pacing again.
剩下的狼群们只停顿了一下，接着又开始前进。
But — what are you thinking? You wouldn’t attack them for breaking the treaty this afternoon. Now you’re planning an ambush, when the treaty is still intact?
但是——你在想什么？今天下午你还为了契约的事情而不愿意去攻击他们。而现在契约丝毫未破，你却在那里策划着突击？
This is not something our treaty anticipated, Sam said. This is a danger to every human in the area. We don’t know what kind of creature the Cullens have bred, but we know that it is strong and fast-growing. And it will be too young to follow any treaty.
这件事不是在制定契约的时候能够预见到的，山姆说，这对这片土地上的人们都是一个威胁。我们无法得知卡伦家会培育出个什么样的怪物来，但是我们知道它强壮，迅速生长。而且它年纪那么小，根本不会遵从契约。
Wait, I thought.
等等，我想。
We don’t know — I tried to interrupt.
我们还不知道——我试着插话。
We don’t know, he agreed. And we can’t take chances with the unknown in this case. We can only allow the Cullens to exist while we’re absolutely sure that they can be trusted not to cause harm. This… thing cannot be trusted.
就是因为不知道，他同意说。我们才不能在这件事情上冒任何的风险。我们是百分之百肯定卡伦家族的人值得信任，不会伤害凡人之后，才允许他们生活这这里的。这个……东西不能被信任。
Remember the newborn vampires we fought? Wild, violent, beyond the reach of reason or restraint. Imagine one like that, but protected by the Cullens.
还记不记得那些和我们对抗的新生吸血鬼？野蛮，残暴，无法说教也无从劝服。想想现在就有一个，但是这次是被卡伦家给保护起来了。
This is crazy, I said. This afternoon you were afraid to put the pack in danger.
这太疯狂了，我说。这个下午你还战战兢兢地不想让队伍犯险。
You’re making it into something bigger than it is, I argued. The only one who’s in danger here is Bella.
你们把问题搞得越来越大，我反驳。这里唯一一个有危险的人是贝拉。
Again by her own choice, Sam said. But this time her choice affects us all.
这依然是她自发的选择，山姆说。但是这次她的选择影响到了我们所有人。
And inflict the menace on others? When blood drinkers cross our land, we destroy them, no matter where they plan to hunt. We protect everyone we can.
然后将杀戮转嫁给别人？当那些吸血鬼们越过我们的地盘，我们就杀了他们，不管他们准备去伤害谁。我们保护每一个我们能保护的人。
Some are ready to fight for it, no matter what it is.
有人已经准备好了战斗，不管对方是什么。
It’s just a baby, for crying out loud.
不过是个孩子，真是岂有此理。
I don’t think so.
我不这么认为。
Then tell them to leave, the wolf who was still supporting me said. It was Seth. Of course.
告诉他们看不惯就离开好了，我旁边的狼也声援我。是塞思，当然是他。
I can’t believe this! How’re you going to kill this creature without killing Bella?
我无法相信！你又怎么做到杀了这怪物而又不伤害贝拉呢？
Sam pulled Rosalie’s face, her protective crouch, from my mind and put it on display for everyone.
山姆拿出了罗莎莉的画面，和她防御性的架势。这是我看到的画面，现在被展示在大伙儿面前。
Jake, buddy, this is a big problem, Quil said. We can’t just ignore it.
杰克，兄弟，这是个大问题。奎尔说。我们不能坐视不理。
They don’t like it any more than we do.
他们也不比我们喜欢这个东西多少。
We can’t take that chance. We won’t allow a blood drinker to hunt on our lands.
我们不能承担那样的风险。我们不允许在我们的土地上有嗜血者横行。
Not for long, Leah whispered.
不久后就不会是了，利亚轻声说。
This afternoon I didn’t know our families were at risk.
这个下午我还不知道我们的家人正处于险境。
There were no words, but the silence was full of meaning.
无言以对，足以表态。
That did it. I leaped away from Seth, toward his sister, with my teeth bared. I was about to catch her left hind leg when I felt Sam’s teeth cut into my flank, dragging me back.
算你倒霉。我一个跳步离开塞思身边，纵身向他姐姐跃去，露出尖利的牙齿。眼看就要抓住她的左后腿了，侧腹却被山姆一口咬住，一把甩了回去。
My legs seemed to buckle under me. I jerked to a halt, only managing to keep on my feet by sheer willpower.
我的腿于是就像被钉在了地上。我的进攻立刻就被阻止了，只能靠薄弱的意志还勉强保持站姿。
He turned his gaze away from me. You will not be cruel to him, Leah, he commanded her. Bella’s sacrifice is a heavy price, and we will all recognize that. It is against everything we stand for to take a human life. Making an exception to that code is a bleak thing. We will all mourn for what we do tonight.
他将视线移开。不要对他太残忍了，利亚。他喝斥了她。贝拉的牺牲是个很大的代价。做出这样的决定也是万不得已的事情。今晚我们都将为此哀悼。
I howled. She’s human, too! Doesn’t our protection apply to her?
我怒吼了起来。她也是人类啊！我们的保护难道对她是例外的吗？
She’s dying anyway, Leah thought. We’ll just shorten the process.
不管怎么样她都会死，利亚想。我们只是缩短了过程。
Stop! he ordered in the double timbre of the Alpha.
住手！他用绝对首领的叠音命令道。
I howled in pain and fury and turned on him.
愤怒和疼痛让我嗷嗷直叫，矛头转向了他。
Tonight? Seth repeated, shocked. Sam — I think we should talk about this some more. Consult with the Elders, at least. You can’t seriously mean for us to —
今晚？塞思重复说，惊呆了。山姆，我觉得我们不应该那么草率。至少先问一下长辈们的意见。你不能单方面独断——
We need the whole pack for this. Jacob, you are our strongest fighter. You will fight with us tonight. I understand that this is hard for you, so you will concentrate on their fighters — Emmett and Jasper Cullen. You don’t have to be involved with the… other part. Quil and Embry will fight with you.
这个行动我们需要全体的力量，雅各布。你是我们最强悍的斗士。今晚要和我们一起战斗。我理解这对你来说很难，所以你主要对付其他人——埃美特和贾斯帕·卡伦。你不用参与到……其他部分。奎尔和恩布里也会和你并肩作战。
Sam paced in a tight circle around the two of us.
山姆迈着步子紧紧地围着我们两个转圈。
Seth’s front knees folded, and his head fell forward under the weight of the Alpha’s command.
塞思的前腿屈膝，因为领袖命令的重压，而不得不低下了头。
We can’t afford your tolerance for the Cullens now. There is no time for debate. You will do as you are told, Seth.
我们实在受不了你对卡伦家族的宽容。没时间辩论了。你必须按照命令去做，塞思。
Paul, Jared, and I will take on Edward and Rosalie. I think, from the information Jacob has brought us, they will be the ones guarding Bella. Carlisle and Alice will also be close, possibly Esme. Brady, Collin, Seth, and Leah will concentrate on them. Whoever has a clear line on — we all heard him mentally stutter over Bella’s name — the creature will take it. Destroying the creature is our first priority.
保罗，贾里德和我会负责爱德华和罗莎莉。从雅各布带给我们的讯息来看，他们是保护Bella的人。卡莱尔和爱丽丝也会在附近，说不定还有埃斯米。布雷迪，柯林，塞思和利亚就负责他们。谁能清楚地打探到——我们都听到他的思想中掠过贝拉的名字——那怪物就会是主要攻击目标。我们的首要任务就是要摧毁那个怪物。
My knees trembled; I struggled to hold myself upright while the voice of the Alpha lashed at my will.
我的膝盖不停颤抖着。阿尔法的命令想要摧毁我的意志，而我拼命地想要保持自己站立着。
The pack rumbled in nervous agreement. The tension had everyone’s fur standing on end. The pacing was quicker, and the sound of the paws against the brackish floor was sharper, toenails tearing into the soil.
狼群紧张地吵嚷着同意了。高涨的情绪让每个人的毛都根根竖起。山姆的步子愈发快了，踏在碱化的硬土地上，趾甲划过土壤的声音也愈发刺耳了。
There was no resistance in him, however. He would obey no matter how much it hurt him. He had no other choice.
但是他却无法反抗。他只能遵照去执行，无论这伤他有多深。他别无选择。
And what choice did I have? When the Alpha spoke, the pack followed.
而我呢？能有什么选择？当阿尔法发话的时候，狼群只有照做。
Only Seth and I were still, the eye in the center of a storm of bared teeth and flattened ears. Seth’s nose was almost touching the ground, bowed under Sam’s commands. I felt his pain at the coming disloyalty. For him this was a betrayal — during that one day of alliance, fighting beside Edward Cullen, Seth had truly become the vampire’s friend.
只有我和塞思仍然静止着，处于暴风圈中心的我们咧着嘴，耷拉着耳朵。塞思的鼻尖都快触到地上了，在山姆的命令下低垂着身子。我能体会到他因为不忠而感到难过。对他来说这意味着背叛——虽然只经历了一天的联盟，和爱德华·卡伦并肩战斗，塞思已经完全成了吸血鬼的朋友了。
Sam had never pushed his authority this far before; I knew he honestly hated to see Seth kneeling before him like a slave at the foot of his master. He wouldn’t force this if he didn’t believe that he had no other choice. He couldn’t lie to us when we were linked mind to mind like this. He really believed it was our duty to destroy Bella and the monster she carried. He really believed we had no time to waste. He believed it enough to die for it.
山姆从未如此行使过他的权利，我知道他应该也不喜欢看到塞思像个奴才一样在他主人面前跪下来。如果不是因为没有其他选择，他也不会专治到这个地步。当我们的思想紧密相连的时候，他无法说谎。他是真的认为摧毁贝拉和她肚中的怪胎，是我们的义务。他是真的认为我们没时间可浪费的了。他是真的相信这些决断才愿意视死如归的。
I saw that he would face Edward himself; Edward’s ability to read our thoughts made him the greatest threat in Sam’s mind. Sam would not let someone else take on that danger.
我看到他准备自己面对爱德华；后者阅读我们思想的能力在山姆心中是最大的忧患。山姆不会让其他人来承担这份危险的。
He saw Jasper as the second-greatest opponent, which is why he’d given him to me. He knew that I had the best chance of any of the pack to win that fight. He’d left the easiest targets for the younger wolves and Leah. Little Alice was no danger without her future vision to guide her, and we knew from our time of alliance that Esme was not a fighter. Carlisle would be more of a challenge, but his hatred of violence would hinder him.
他视贾斯帕为第二大对手，也是为什么山姆将他交给我的原因。他知道我比队伍中其他人赢得这场对决的胜算更大。他将最容易对付的目标留给了年轻的狼和利亚。娇小的爱丽丝如果没有了她那预见未来的本领来保护她，根本构不成威胁。我们也从曾经联盟时期了解到埃斯米是不会这种格斗的。卡莱尔是个较大的阻碍，但是他厌恶暴力的本性却会成为他自身的绊脚石。
Everything was inside out. This afternoon, I’d been chomping at the bit to attack them. But Seth had been right — it wasn’t a fight I’d been ready for. I’d blinded myself with that hate. I hadn’t let myself look at it carefully, because I must have known what I would see if I did.
整件事彻底颠倒了过来。这个下午我才是那个恨得牙痒痒要去攻击他们的人。但是塞思是对的——我还没有为这场战争做好准备。憎恨蒙蔽了我的双眼。如果我能让自己好好看清楚这个局面，我就会明白的。
I felt sicker than Seth as I watched Sam plan it out, trying to work the angles to give each member of the pack the best chance of survival.
看着山姆这样的布置，我比塞思更感到恶心。装什么圣人，好像给了狼群中所有人做了赢面最大的考虑。
I was wrong today, Sam.
今天是我错了，山姆。
No member of the pack could refuse the Alpha.
队伍中没有人可以违抗阿尔法。
And it wasn’t just because killing Bella felt like killing me, like suicide.
这已经不只是因为杀了贝拉等同于杀了我，而且还是自杀。
Sam snarled and stopped pacing in front of me. He stared into my eyes and a deep growl slid between his teeth.
山姆怒吼一声，在我面前停下了脚步。他深邃的目光射进我的眼底，齿缝间不停地漏出愤怒的嘶嘶声。
I braced myself. No.
我重新振作起来。不。
Yes, the Alpha decreed, his double voice blistering with the heat of his authority. There are no loopholes tonight. You, Jacob, are going to fight the Cullens with us. You, with Quil and Embry, will take care of Jasper and Emmett. You are obligated to protect the tribe. That is why you exist. You will perform this obligation.
是的，来自阿尔法的宣判，权利独裁的欲望让他的叠音激烈起来。今晚没有漏网之鱼。你，雅各布，会和我们一起与卡伦家族开战。你会与奎尔和恩布里一起对抗埃美特和贾斯帕。你有义务保护部落，这就是你存在的原因。你必须执行这份义务。
This was wrong.
这是错的。
Carlisle Cullen. Looking at him without that hate clouding my eyes, I couldn’t deny that killing him was murder. He was good. Good as any human we protected. Maybe better. The others, too, I supposed, but I didn’t feel as strongly about them. I didn’t know them as well. It was Carlisle who would hate fighting back, even to save his own life. That’s why we would be able to kill him — because he wouldn’t want us, his enemies, to die.
卡莱尔·卡伦。抛开憎恨的阴霾来看他的话，我不能否认消灭他等同于谋杀犯罪。他是个好人，和我们要保护的人类一样的善良，也许更慈悲为怀。其他人也一样。我对其他人没有这么强烈的感情，因为我也不了解他们。即使是为了自卫，卡莱尔都不愿意以牙还牙。这就是我们能够杀了他的原因，因为他不想我们——他的敌人——死去。
My shoulders hunched as the edict crushed me. My legs collapsed, and I was on my belly under him.
命令以排山倒海之势向我压来，让我在他面前卑躬屈膝。肚子贴着地面。
Your reasons were wrong then. But now we have a duty to fulfill.
你只是说错了原因。但是你现在有责任来修正这个错误。
Pull it together, Jacob, Sam ordered. The tribe comes first.
冷静，雅各布，山姆命令说。部落是我们优先考虑的。
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