第十七章: 茫然 What Do I Look Like? The Wizard Of Oz? You Need A Brain? You Need A Heart? Go Ahead. Take Mine. Take Everything I Have.
So I was at a loss when I mashed the button on the keyless remote, and it was not his Volvo that beeped and flashed its lights for me. It was another car — a standout even in the long line of vehicles that were mostly all drool-worthy in their own ways.
因为当我按下无线遥控车钥匙上的按钮后，就听“哔”的一声，车灯也随即亮了一亮，可是这并非是他那部沃尔沃。而是另一部车——这台车就算在一长串令人垂涎的汽车名单中也可称得上是佼佼者。
Did he actually mean to give me the keys to an Aston Martin Vanquish, or was that an accident?
他是不是真的打算给我一部奥斯顿马汀的钥匙，还是他意外拿错了？
I sort of had a plan as I ran to the Cullens’ garage. The second part of it was totaling the bloodsucker’s car on my way back.
就在我向卡伦家车库走去的时候，脑子里逐渐有了一个计划。其中有一项就是在回程的途中好好统计一下吸血鬼的车。
I found the seat release and shoved myself back as my foot rammed the pedal down. The car felt almost airborne as it leaped forward.
我摸索到了座位调节杆，向后退了下座椅位置，方便我的脚踩踏板。汽车像飞机起飞那样呼啸着窜了出去。
It only took seconds to race through the tight, winding drive. The car responded to me like my thoughts were steering rather than my hands. As I blew out of the green tunnel and onto the highway, I caught a fleeting glimpse of Leah’s gray face peering uneasily through the ferns.
花了好几秒钟去适应封闭，飞驰的驾驶环境。车好像跳过了我的手，直接受我意识控制一般。当我驶出林荫路上了高速后，瞥见了灌木丛中利亚灰色的脸孔一闪而过。
I didn’t pause to think about it, or if this would change that second part of my plan. I just threw myself into the silky leather seat and cranked the engine while my knees were still crunched up under the steering wheel. The sound of the motor’s purr might have made me moan another day, but right now it was all I could do to concentrate enough to put it in drive.
我没多费功夫去想这个问题，不然也就不会有之前那个数车的计划了。我把自己扔进光滑的皮革座驾中，曲着的膝盖都顶到了方向盘。轻点了下油门，引擎的轰鸣声就震天响。换作是从前的我，一定会兴奋地哇哇乱叫，但是现在我能做的就是集中精力驾驶。
In a sick way, it was my lucky day. If by lucky you meant taking a well-traveled highway at two hundred without so much as seeing one cop, even in the thirty-mile-an — hour speed-trap towns. What a letdown. A little chase action might have been nice, not to mention that the license plate info would bring the heat down on the leech. Sure, he’d buy his way out of it, but it might have been just a little inconvenient for him.
病态的理解，今天也是我的幸运日。所谓的幸运就是在限速每小时30里的小镇里，你可以在公路上以200码的速度纵横驰骋而见不到一个警察。这多么令人扫兴啊。一场小小的追逐赛也是不错的选择，反正牌照上的信息都是那些吸血鬼的。当然，他可以用钱搞定一切，但是这多少能给他造成一些小小的麻烦。
For half a second, I wondered what she’d think, and then I realized that I didn’t care.
这时候的她到底在想些什么呢，但是马上我就发现这对我来说并不重要。
The only sign of surveillance I came across was just a hint of dark brown fur flitting through the woods, running parallel to me for a few miles on the south side of Forks. Quil, it looked like. He must have seen me, too, because he disappeared after a minute without raising an alarm. Again, I almost wondered what his story would be before I remembered that I didn’t care.
遇到的唯一追踪就是有一个深灰色，毛绒绒的身影在树林间时隐时现，和我齐头并进，就在距离我南边几英里的福克斯镇上。看上去像是奎尔。他一定也看到了我，因为一分钟后他就神不知鬼不觉地消失了。又一次我开始想象他在想些什么，同样的，这对我来说无关紧要。
I turned south, because I had no patience today for ferries or traffic or anything else that meant I might have to lift my foot off the pedal.
我掉头向南开去，因为本大爷今天没有耐性因为交通或者其他什么而把脚移到刹车上。
I raced around the long U-shaped highway, heading for the biggest city I could find. That was the first part of my plan.
我在U型的高速公路上狂飙，目的直奔我能找到的最大的城市。这是我计划的第一部分。
That would go away, you know, if you imprinted. You wouldn’t have to hurt over her anymore.
那些都会过去的，你知道，如果你被印刻了的话。你就不用在为她伤心了。
This was a stupid plan. It wasn’t going to work. But, as I’d searched my head for any way at all to get away from the pain, what Leah’d said today had popped in there.
这是个愚蠢的计划，肯定不会起作用的。但是当我搜肠刮肚想要找出个斩断痛苦的办法时，Leah今天说的一句话跳出了脑海。
But I’d seen all the girls in La Push and up on the Makah rez and in Forks. I needed a wider hunting range.
但是我看过所有拉普西和马考地区的女孩，我需要扩大搜寻的范围。
It seemed to take forever, probably because I was still on the razor blades, but it actually didn’t even take two hours before I was driving north into the undefined sprawl that was part Tacoma and part Seattle. I slowed down then, because I really wasn’t trying to kill any innocent bystanders.
这条路好像永远都开不到尽头，也许因为我的心还在滴血，可实际上我才开了两个小时都不到，终于来到了塔科马和西雅图的交界地带。我放慢了速度，不想撞死任何无辜的路人。
Seemed like maybe getting your choices taken away from you wasn’t the very worst thing in the world. Maybe feeling like this was the very worst thing in the world.
这会儿看起来，剥夺你选择的权利并不是天底下最坏的事情。相反，有这样想法的人才是最可悲的。
So how do you look for a random soul mate in a crowd? Well, first, I needed a crowd. So I tooled around, looking for a likely spot. I passed a couple of malls, which probably would’ve been pretty good places to find girls my age, but I couldn’t make myself stop. Did I want to imprint on some girl who hung out in a mall all day?
那么你怎么能在茫茫人海中找到你的精神伴侣呢？首先，我就需要一个人海。所以我驾车兜风，寻找一个可能的地点。我途径了几个商场，那里基本上找不到和我同年龄的女孩，但是我没有办法让自己停下来。我是不是想要印刻在某个成天流连商场的女孩身上呢？
I walked around for what felt like hours. Long enough that the sun changed sides in the sky. I stared into the face of every girl who passed anywhere near me, making myself really look, noticing who was pretty and who had blue eyes and who looked good in braces and who had way too much makeup on. I tried to find something interesting about each face, so that I would know for sure that I’d really tried. Things like: This one had a really straight nose; that one should pull her hair out of her eyes; this one could do lipstick ads if the rest of her face was as perfect as her mouth…
我大约走了将近一个小时，差不多连太阳在天空中都变换了角度。我盯着每个和我擦身而过的女孩的脸，使劲地瞧着，看着谁漂亮，谁有一双蓝眼睛，谁的胸比较大，谁的妆又太厚了。我试着从每个人的脸上都发掘出一些有趣的地方，这样我就可以说服自己我是真的试过了。比如：这个人的鼻子真挺；那个人的发型如果把眼睛露出来就好一点；这个人如果五官都能长得像她的嘴唇那么好就能去做唇膏广告了……
Sometimes they stared back. Sometimes they looked scared — like they were thinking, Who is this big freak glaring at me? Sometimes I thought they looked kind of interested, but maybe that was just my ego running wild.
有些时候她们会送我个白眼。有些时候她们看上去有些害怕——似乎在心里想“这个盯着我看的大块头是谁啊？”有些时候我觉得她们也对我有些意思，但是也有可能这只是我的一厢情愿。
I kept going north, and it got more and more crowded. Eventually, I found a big park full of kids and families and skateboards and bikes and kites and picnics and the whole bit. I hadn’t noticed till now — it was a nice day. Sun and all that. People were out celebrating the blue sky.
我继续向北走，人口越来越稠密。终于，我找到了一个热闹的公园，小孩、家人、滑板、单车、风筝、野餐，集齐了所有的要素。直到现在我才注意到——今天真是个好天气啊。阳光明媚，人们都外出踏青庆祝蓝天白云。
I parked across two handicapped spots — just begging for a ticket — and joined the crowd.
我开过了两个残疾人专用设施，求了张门票，就停下车——加入了人潮。
Either way, nothing. Even when I met the eyes of the girl who was — no contest — the hottest girl in the park and probably in the city, and she stared right back with a speculation that looked like interest, I felt nothing. Just the same desperate drive to find a way out of the pain.
不管怎么样，没有收获。即使我对上了公园里甚至是城镇里最热辣的女孩的眼睛——这点毫无争议——而她也带着几分兴趣，好奇地张望着我，我还是没有任何感觉。依然是想要逃离痛苦的绝望。
It wouldn’t make sense to find her here, anyway. If Sam was right, the best place to find my genetic match would be in La Push. And, clearly, no one there fit the bill. If Billy was right, then who knew? What made for a stronger wolf?
不管怎么样，我都不可能在这里找到“她”的。如果山姆是对的话，能找到我最佳基因伴侣的地方是在拉普西。而非常清楚的一点就是，没人肯赏这个脸。如果比利是对的，那么谁知道呢？到底是什么才能造就更强大的狼呢？
As time went on, I started noticing all the wrong things. Bella things. This one’s hair was the same color. That one’s eyes were sort of shaped the same. This one’s cheekbones cut across her face in just the same way. That one had the same little crease between her eyes — which made me wonder what she was worrying about…
随着时间推移，我的注意力开始转向了所有不该注意的地方。Bella的事情。这个有着和她同样的发色。那个人的眼睛和她的很相似。这个人的颧骨分割脸部比例的方式也一样。那个人在两眼间也有一个相同的小疙瘩，让我不禁想知道她究竟在为什么而烦恼……
That was when I gave up. Because it was beyond stupid to think that I had picked exactly the right place and time and I was going to simply walk into my soul mate just because I was so desperate to.
这个时候我放弃了。在这种时候，在这个地点来寻找我的灵魂伴侣真是太愚蠢不过的事情了。就因为我太绝望了。
I wandered back to the car and then slumped against the hood and played with the keys.
我慢步走向汽车，然后坐在引擎盖上玩着车钥匙。
Maybe I was what Leah thought she was. Some kind of dead end that shouldn’t be passed on to another generation. Or maybe it was just that my life was a big, cruel joke, and there was no escape from the punch line.
也许我就如同利亚想的那样。某种基因的断层而无法传宗接代。抑或者我的整个人生就是一场天大、残酷的玩笑，笑点一个不落。
“Hey, you okay? Hello? You there, with the stolen car.”
“嗨，你还好吗？你好？就是你，偷车的那个”
It took me a second to realize that the voice was talking to me, and then another second to decide to raise my head.
我半天才意识过来那个声音原来是在和我说话，然后才想着应该要抬起头来。
A familiar-looking girl was staring at me, her expression kind of anxious. I knew why I recognized her face — I’d already catalogued this one. Light red-gold hair, fair skin, a few gold-colored freckles sprinkled across her cheeks and nose, and eyes the color of cinnamon.
一个看上去有些脸熟的女孩正在盯着我看，表情有些担忧。我想起来为什么会觉得这张脸熟悉了——我刚才就已经看到过她。浅金红的头发，水嫩的皮肤，双颊和鼻翼附近散布着些金色的小雀斑，有着一双浅褐色的眼睛。
“If you’re feeling that remorseful over boosting the car,” she said, smiling so that a dimple popped out in her chin, “you could always turn yourself in.”
“如果你偷了车觉得心有不安的话，”她笑着说，脸颊上泛起两个小酒窝，“你可以还回去嘛。”
“It’s borrowed, not stolen,” I snapped. My voice sounded horrible — like I’d been crying or something. Embarrassing.
“这是借的，不是偷的，”我没好气地回嘴。我的声音听起来真是太可怕了——像是哭过后那种沙哑肿胀的嗓音。尴尬极了。
I looked at it until she let it fall.
一直到手放下来为止，我都只是看着它。
“Not really. I was kidding about the car, you know. It’s just that… you look really upset about something. Oh, hey, I’m Lizzie.” She held out her hand.
“并不是。你知道的嘛，我只是在开那辆车的玩笑。只是因为……你看起来好像非常为某件事焦虑的样子。啊，对了，我叫莉齐。”她说着伸出手。
I sighed. “I don’t need any help. She’s not here.”
我叹了口气。“我不需要任何帮助。她不在这里。”
“Anyway…,” she said awkwardly, “I was just wondering if I could help. Seemed like you were looking for someone before.” She gestured toward the park and shrugged.
“随便了……”她有些窘迫地说，“我在想有没有什么我能帮上忙的。前面你好像在找谁的样子。”她向着公园一指，顺势耸了耸肩。
“Oh. Sorry.”
“啊，抱歉。”
“Yeah.” She waited.
“是啊。”她等着我说下去。
“Me, too,” I muttered.
“我也是，”我喃喃自语。
“This is a beautiful car,” she said. “It’s really a shame they’re not making them anymore. I mean, the Vantage’s body styling is gorgeous, too, but there’s just something about the Vanquish…”
“这辆车真漂亮，”她说，“他们不再生产这款车真是遗憾。我是说，Aston Martin V8 Vantage 的车形看起来也美极了，但是Aston Martin Vanquish的某些细节更加……”
“Sure, that’ll hold up in court.”
“好吧，法庭上你可以这么说。”
Nice girl who knew cars. Wow. I stared at her face harder, wishing I knew how to make it work. C’mon, Jake — imprint already.
善良的女孩，连车都精通。哇，我又更加使劲地盯着她的脸看了，希望就此悟出是怎么产生“化学作用”的。来吧，杰克——印刻吧。
I glowered. “You need something?”
我大叫一声。“你想找茬儿吗？”
I looked at the girl again. Lizzie. She was pretty. Nice enough to try to help a grouchy stranger who must seem nuts. Why couldn’t she be the one? Why did everything have to be so freaking complicated? Nice girl, pretty, and sort of funny. Why not?
我再次打量了这个女孩，莉齐。她很漂亮。人也很好，会去主动帮助一个看起来有些疯疯癫癫，不太好惹的陌生人。为什么她就不行呢？每件事都他妈的搞那么复杂干什么呢？善良的女孩，漂亮，又有些小幽默。为什么不行呢？
She grinned her one-dimple smile, clearly pleased to have dragged a halfway civil response out of me, and I gave her a reluctant smile back.
她扬起她那露出单边酒窝的微笑，很明显是想要从我这里得到一个礼貌而又妥协的回答。于是我不得以回给她一个勉强的微笑。
“How’s it drive?” she asked.
“这辆车开起来怎么样？”她问。
But her smile did nothing about the sharp, cutting blades that raked up and down my body. No matter how much I wanted it to, my life was not going to come together like that.
但是她的微笑无法治愈我遍体鳞伤的身心。不管多么向往，但是我的人生是不可能如此。
“Like you wouldn’t believe,” I told her.
“说起来你简直不能相信，”我告诉她。
Lizzie waited, maybe hoping I was going to offer her that ride. Or maybe not.
莉齐等着，等着我可以邀请她兜风。或许又不是这样。
I wasn’t in that healthier place where Leah was headed. I wasn’t going to be able to fall in love like a normal person. Not when I was bleeding over someone else. Maybe — if it was ten years from now and Bella’s heart was long dead and I’d hauled myself through the whole grieving process and come out in one piece again — maybe then I could offer Lizzie a ride in a fast car and talk makes and models and get to know something about her and see if I liked her as a person. But that wasn’t going to happen now.
我的心态不像利亚那样健康。我没有办法像普通人那样坠入爱河，尤其在我的心还在为某人淌血的时候。也许——再过个10年，当贝拉的心冷却多年，而我也能走出悲伤的阴霾，重新把零落的碎片拼成完整的自己，那个时候我也许可以邀请莉齐开着跑车去兜风，谈谈做工和型号，再多了解她一些，看看自己是不是喜欢她。但是现在，这些都是不可能的。
Magic wasn’t going to save me. I was just going to have to take the torture like a man. Suck it up.
魔法救不了我。我必须像个男人那样隐忍。学着领会。
Okay, that was melodramatic. I wouldn’t be all alone, but that was a bad thing. Leah and Seth would have to suffer with me. I was glad Seth wouldn’t have to suffer long. Kid didn’t deserve to have his peace of mind ruined. Leah didn’t, either, but at least it was something she understood. Nothing new about pain for Leah.
好吧，这样说有些太矫情了。我不会是总是一个人的，但那也好不到哪里去。利亚和塞思会和我共同承受这份苦痛。令人高兴的是塞思不会再受苦多久了，小孩的心灵不应该像我的那样被无情的蹂躏。利亚也一样，但是起码这件事她也多少能够理解。这种痛她也曾经历过。
She smiled again. “Glad to hear you’re going straight.”
她又一次微笑。“很高兴你能回到正道上。”
“I’d better get this car back to the guy I borrowed it from,” I muttered.
“我还是把车还给借给我的那个人吧，”我嘀嘀咕咕地说道。
She watched me get in the car, still sort of concerned. I probably looked like someone who was about to drive off a cliff. Which maybe I would’ve, if that kind of move’d work for a werewolf. She waved once, her eyes trailing after the car.
她看着我坐进车内，依然有些担心的样子。我大概看起来像是会驾车开下悬崖的那种人。如果那种了断的做法能对狼人有效，我想我会的。她挥了一次手，眼睛还依依不舍地跟在车后面。
I sighed big as I thought about what Leah wanted from me, because I knew now that she was going to get it. I was still pissed at her, but I couldn’t ignore the fact that I could make her life easier. And — now that I knew her better — I thought she would probably do this for me, if our positions were reversed.
一想到利亚想从我这里得到的，就不由深深地叹了一口气，因为我知道这一天就快来了。我依然很生她的气，但是我也无法忽视这一点事实——我令她的生活变得更容易了。随着逐渐加深的了解，即使我们的角色倒换，我想她也会这样为我做的。
“Yeah, you convinced me.”
“是啊，你说服了我。”
At first, I drove more sanely on the way back. I wasn’t in a rush. I didn’t want to go where I was going. Back to that house, back to that forest. Back to the pain I’d run from. Back to being absolutely alone with it.
起初，回去的路上我还算开得比较理智的。我并不赶时间。因为目的地并不是我想去的地方。回到那所房子，回到森林里，回到我逃离的痛苦根源，回到那里一个人面对它。
It would be interesting, at the very least, and strange, too, to have Leah as a companion — as a friend. We were going to get under each other’s skin a lot, that was for sure. She wouldn’t be one to let me wallow, but I thought that was a good thing. I’d probably need someone to kick my butt now and then. But when it came right down to it, she was really the only friend who had any chance of understanding what I was going through now.
这听起来很有趣，也很奇怪，在最后竟然是利亚成了我的伴侣——朋友意义上的。我们彼此都会因为对方而深感困扰，这是一定的。她不会放纵我肆意堕落，我也觉得这是好事。我需要有人时不时地鞭策我。但是一旦需要真正直面问题的时候，她是唯一还有可能会理解我的朋友了。
And I knew Leah was strong enough to face with me the months that were coming. Months and years. It made me tired to think about it. I felt like I was staring out across an ocean that I was going to have to swim from shore to shore before I could rest again.
我深知利亚可以坚强地和我一起面对接下来的岁月。岁岁又年年。一想到这件事就让我觉得疲累。感觉好像望着一片汪洋，而我必须不停歇地从大洋的这头游到那头。
I thought of the hunt this morning, and how close our minds had been for that one moment in time. It hadn’t been a bad thing. Different. A little scary, a little awkward. But also nice in a weird way.
我想起了今天早上的捕猎，那一刻我们的心是联系地那样紧密。这原来并不是件坏事。伴随着些许的胆怯和些许的尴尬，诡异，这是一种不错的体验。
I didn’t have to be all alone.
我也不必把自己孤立起来。
So much time coming, and then so little time before it started. Before I was flung into that ocean. Three and a half more days, and here I was, wasting that little bit of time I had.
未来的道路是那么漫长，而准备的时间又是那样短暂。在我纵身跳入大海之前只有三天半的时间了，但是我还在这里消磨那仅剩的光阴。
It was a surprise to find Edward waiting for me in the garage. I hadn’t seen him away from Bella in days. I could tell from his face that nothing bad had happened to her. In fact, he looked more peaceful than before. My stomach tightened as I remembered where that peace came from.
我出乎意料地看到爱德华竟然已经在车库等我了。这些天我一直都看到他寸步不离贝拉。从他的表情我能看得出来贝拉的状况起码没有恶化。准确说来，他看起来比以往都平静多了。不过当我想起这份平静是打哪儿来时，胃不由地一阵抽筋。
I started driving too fast again.
我又狂飙起来。
I nodded to Leah and Seth, too, as I cruised up the Cullens’ driveway. It was starting to get dark, and the clouds were thick on this side of the sound, but I saw their eyes glitter in the glow of the headlights. I would explain to them later. There’d be plenty of time for that.
在驶上卡伦家的车道时，我也向利亚和塞思点头示意了一下。天色逐渐暗了下来，云层也堆积得更厚了，但是我看到他们的两双眼睛在车头灯的映射下熠熠发光。我稍后再向他们解释吧，以后时间多得是。
It was too bad that — with all my brooding — I’d forgotten to wreck the car. Oh well. I probably wouldn’t have been able to stand hurting this car, anyway. Maybe he’d guessed as much, and that’s why he’d lent it to me in the first place.
真是太糟了，我蓄谋了那么久，竟然忘记应该把他的车给撞得稀巴烂。哦好吧，也许我心里其实挺舍不得伤害这辆车的。他很有可能也考虑到了这点，所以才借给了我这辆车。
I saw Sam and Jared, one on either side of the road like sentinels, as I raced up the road toward Forks. They were well hidden in the thick branches, but I was expecting them, and I knew what to look for. I nodded as I blew past them, not bothering to wonder what they made of my day trip.
在我急速驶向福克斯的公路上，我看见山姆和贾里德像哨兵一样，一左一右伫立在路的两侧。虽然他们隐匿在重重的密林之中，但是我知道他们在那里，也知道怎么找到他们。我的车风一般地经过他们身边时，我点头示意了一下，也不去管他们是怎么想我这个短途的旅行的。
“She wanted to… speak to Bella.”
“她想要……和贝拉谈谈。”
I took a deep breath and held it for a minute. Then, slowly, I got out of the car and threw the keys to him.
我深深地吸了一口气，等了一分钟，才慢吞吞地从车里出来，把钥匙扔回给他。
I blinked, astonished that he would even dream of starting in on this one. “What?”
我眨眨眼，完全没料到他会以这个话题开头。“怎么了？”
Edward got all hissy then. “I won’t let Bella be upset like that again. I don’t care how justified Leah thinks she is! I didn’t hurt her — of course I wouldn’t — but I’ll throw her out of the house if it happens again. I’ll launch her right across the river –“
说到这爱德华勃然大怒起来。“我不会再让Bella像那样焦虑了。不管利亚认为自己多么正义！我没有伤害她——当然我也不会这么做——但是如果这样的事情再发生，我会把她扔出屋子。把她甩过河——”
“Leah?” I interrupted, speaking through my teeth. “What happened?”
“利亚？”我打断他的话，咬着牙问。“出什么事了？”
“A few things, Jacob,” he said as soon as I cut the engine.
“有几件事，雅各布，”我一熄掉引擎，他马上就开口了。
“What did she do?”
“她做了什么？”
“If you can’t or won’t control Leah, then I –“
“如果你不能或者不想控制Leah的话，那么我——”
“She phased to her human form and –“
“她变回了人形，而且——”
“Thanks for the loan,” I said sourly. Apparently, it would have to be repaid. “What do you want now?”
“谢谢你的租借，”我酸酸地说。很显然，车不会白借给我。“你现在想怎么样？”
“Firstly… I know how averse you are to using your authority with your pack, but…”
“首先……我知道你有多不情愿对你的狼群行使你的权利，但是……”
“To Bella?”
“和贝拉？”
“Really?” I interrupted again, shocked this time. I couldn’t process that. Leah letting her guard down right in the mouth of the enemy’s lair?
“你说真的？”我又一次打断了他，大惊失色。我无法想象。利亚卸下自己的防备，羊入虎口？
Edward’s face was hard. “She came up to see why you’d left so abruptly. I tried to explain. I suppose it might not have come out right.”
爱德华沉着脸。“她过来看为什么你那么唐突地就离开了。我试图解释。但是她的举动却不是那么得体。”
Edward took a deep breath, composing himself. “Leah was unnecessarily harsh. I’m not going to pretend that I understand why Bella is unable to let go of you, but I do know that she does not behave this way to hurt you. She suffers a great deal over the pain she’s inflicting on you, and on me, by asking you to stay. What Leah said was uncalled for. Bella’s been crying –“
爱德华深吸了一口气，组织了下语言。“利亚有些过分急躁了。说白了我还是不能理解为什么贝拉总不让你走，但是我知道的是她并不是借此来伤害你。相反开口挽留你，正是因为她想要极力承担她曾经加诸在你、我身上的伤痛。哪知利亚不请自来。把贝拉都弄哭了……”
“Hold on. What did she say?” None of this was making any sense.
“等一下。她说了什么了？”这听起来太无厘头了。
He nodded one sharp nod. “You were quite vehemently championed.”
他明确地点了一下头。“你有那么热心地拥护者。”
But that was really something about Leah. Who would have believed it? Leah walking into the bloodsuckers’ place human to complain about how I was being treated.
但是这可是利亚啊。说出来谁能相信呢？利亚以人的姿态来到吸血鬼们中间，就为了抗议我所遭受的待遇。
“Wait — Leah was yelling at Bella about me?”
“等等——利亚为了我向贝拉大喊大叫了吗？”
“I know.”
“我知道。”
I rolled my eyes. Of course he knew. He knew everything.
我睁睁眼，他当然知道咯。他什么都知道。
Whoa. “I didn’t ask her to do that.”
哇哦。“我没有让她这么干。”
“I can’t promise to control Leah,” I told him. “I won’t do that. But I’ll talk to her, okay? And I don’t think there’ll be a repeat. Leah’s not one to hold back, so she probably got it all off her chest today.”
“我不会妥协去控制利亚，”我对他说。“我不会那么做。但是我会和她谈谈，好吗？我也觉得这样的事不会有第二次了。利亚是个心直口快的人，所以今天她应该全发泄出来了。”
“Of course you did. Is she okay?”
“你当然会这么做。那她还好吗？”
“Yes. He seems to have a vague sense of what hurts her now. He’s trying to avoid that, as much as possible. He… loves her. Already.”
“不错。他似乎对正在伤害她的东西有模糊的感觉。他正在努力避免，越少越好。他……爱她。深深的。”
Better. Because Edward was hearing the monster and everything was all lovey-dovey now. Fantastic.
好多了。那是因为他可以听见那个小怪物，每件事都变得情意绵绵了。世界真奇妙啊。
He ignored that thought, continuing with a more complete answer to my question. “She’s… better in some ways. Aside from Leah’s tirade and the resulting guilt.”
他无视了我这个想法，继续完整地回答我的问题。“从某方面来说……她已经好多了。除了利亚那长篇大论的抨击和随之而来的罪恶感。”
“She’s sleeping now. Rose is with her.”
“她现在睡着了。罗莎陪着她。”
“I already told her that.”
“我已经这么和她说了。”
I stared at Edward, feeling sort of like my eyes might pop out of their sockets. Underneath that disbelief, I could see right away that this was the critical factor. This was what had changed Edward — that the monster had convinced him of this love. He couldn’t hate what loved Bella. It was probably why he couldn’t hate me, either. There was a big difference, though. I wasn’t killing her.
我弹眼落睛地盯着Edward瞧。难以置信的背后，严酷的事实暴露无遗。就是这个改变了爱德华——那个小怪物用这份“爱”打动了他。他不可能去恨一个爱着贝拉的东西。这也许也是为什么他无法恨我的原因。但是根本的区别就是，我不会害死她。
“Anyway, I’ll talk to Bella about it, too. She doesn’t need to feel bad. This one’s on me.”
“无论如何，我也会和贝拉说这件事的。应该感到歉疚的人不是她，而是我。”
My mouth fell open. “Are you serious?”
我惊得合不拢嘴。“你是认真的么？”
So the psycho was “Rose” now. He’d completely crossed over to the dark side.
现在已经可以叫那个精神变态狂“罗莎”了。看来他已经完全走出黑暗了呢。
“It’s a bit more than that,” he murmured. “Now that I can make out the child’s thoughts, it’s apparent that he or she has remarkably developed mental facilities. He can understand us, to an extent.”
“不仅如此，”他小声嘀咕说。“现在我可以辨认出这孩子的思想，他或者她的心智发育已经相当健全了。他可以明白我们说的话，已经到达了某种程度。”
“I would say so.”
“我也这么认为。”
“Why isn’t it necessary? If she needs more?”
“为什么没有必要？如果她要得更多呢？”
“Alice and Jasper are. Carlisle sent all the blood he was able to acquire, but it wasn’t as much as he was hoping for — Bella will use up this supply in another day the way her appetite has grown. Carlisle stayed to try another source. I don’t think that’s necessary now, but he wants to be covered for any eventuality.”
“爱丽丝和贾斯帕已经回来了。卡莱尔送来了所有他能得到的血，但是距离他的目标还远远不够——贝拉哪天如果胃口大开就会把它们都消耗完了。卡莱尔正在尝试所有其他的途径。虽然我认为目前来说还没有这个必要，但是他不想有个万一。”
Edward went on, acting like he hadn’t heard all that. “The progress, I believe, is more than we’d judged. When Carlisle returns –“
爱德华继续无视我的想法，说下去。“这样的发展，我相信，是超乎我们的判断的。等到卡莱尔回来后——”
“They’re not back?” I cut in sharply. I thought of Sam and Jared, watching the road. Would they get curious as to what was going on?
“他们还没有回来？”我激动地插进话去。我想起了刚才路上看到的山姆和贾里德。他们会不会也很好奇到底事态的进展怎么样了？
“What?”
“什么？”
“The child seems to be attempting to avoid rough movements, but it’s difficult. He’s become too big. It’s madness to wait, when he’s clearly developed beyond what Carlisle had guessed. Bella’s too fragile to delay.”
“这个孩子很努力地想要避免一些大的动静，但是这很难。他长得太大了。他的生长已经大大超出了卡莱尔的估计，等待让人抓狂。再耽搁下去，贝拉的体力也撑不住了。”
I could tell he was watching and listening to my reaction carefully as he explained. “I’m trying to persuade Carlisle to deliver the baby as soon as he is back.”
他解释的时候，还不忘察言观色，看我的反应。“我正试图说服卡莱尔，等他一回来就把孩子给弄出来。”
The endless ocean of grief that waited stretched out before me.
无尽的苦海就在眼前了。
I kept getting my legs knocked out from under me. First, counting on Edward’s hatred of the thing so much. Now, I’d realized that I thought of those four days as a sure thing. I’d banked on them.
我真是在自己抽自己巴掌。首先，我太过于指望爱德华对那东西的憎恨。现在，我意识到原本我还笃定的以为还有4天的。我应该好生珍惜的。
I tried to catch my breath.
我试着理顺呼吸。
Edward waited. I stared at his face while I recovered, recognizing another change there.
爱德华耐心地等着。就在我调整的这会儿，我盯着他的脸，发现了另外一处变化。
“You think she’s going to make it,” I whispered.
“你认为她能做到，”我小声地说。
“Yes. That was the other thing I wanted to talk to you about.”
“是的。这是我想跟你说的另外一件事。”
“Yes,” he said again. “Waiting, as we have been, for the child to be ready, that was insanely dangerous. At any moment it could have been too late. But if we’re proactive about this, if we act quickly, I see no reason why it should not go well. Knowing the child’s mind is unbelievably helpful. Thankfully, Bella and Rose agree with me. Now that I’ve convinced them it’s safe for the child if we proceed, there’s nothing to keep this from working.”
“是的。”他再次重复。“我们一直在等着这个孩子做好准备，可是到了那个时候，其危险性也就越难以估量。任何一刻都会变得太迟。但是如果我们抢先一步，如果动作够快，我看不出有什么不好的。了解这孩子在想些什么无疑是天大的帮助。谢天谢地，贝拉和罗莎也同意我的看法。现在既然我已经说服她们，为了孩子的安全着想，这样做百利而无一害。”
“When will Carlisle be back?” I asked, still whispering. I hadn’t got my breath back yet.
“卡莱尔什么时候回来？”我小声地问，气还没有缓过来。
I couldn’t say anything. After a minute, he went on.
我无话可说了。过了一分钟，他接着说了下去。
My knees buckled. I had to grab the car to hold myself up. Edward reached out like he was offering support, but then he thought better of it and dropped his hands.
我的腿一软，不得不把住车才不至于垮下来。爱德华伸出手来想要搀扶我，但是再细想了一下之后，他放下了手。
He lifted his hand again, as if to put it on my shoulder, but then let it drop like before and sighed.
他又一次举起手，看样子想要搭在我肩上，但是和上一次一样，随着一声叹息，手最终还是放下了。
“By noon tomorrow.”
“明天中午。”
“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I am truly sorry for the pain this causes you, Jacob. Though you hate me, I must admit that I don’t feel the same about you. I think of you as a… a brother in many ways. A comrade in arms, at the very least. I regret your suffering more than you realize. But Bella is going to survive” — when he said that his voice was fierce, even violent — “and I know that’s what really matters to you.”
“我很抱歉，”他沙哑地说。“我为这给你带来的痛苦感到抱歉，雅各布。虽然你恨我，但我也不得不承认我是和你持不同的感受。很多时候，我把你当成……当成自己的弟弟。起码，是战友。我很遗憾你实际受的苦比你意识到的还要多。但是贝拉会渡过这一关的，”他的声音带着暴躁甚至是强势——“我知道这才是你心病的根源。”
He was probably right. It was hard to tell. My head was spinning.
他也许是对的。这不好说。我的脑袋在嗡嗡作响。
“So I hate to do this now, while you’re already dealing with too much, but, clearly, there is little time. I have to ask you for something — to beg, if I must.”
“虽然你已经要面对那么多的事情，而我也不想现在就这么做，但是，我必须说清楚，时间不多了。我想请你帮个忙，如果必要的话，我可以求你。”
“I don’t have anything left,” I choked out.
“我已经一无所有了，”我真的快窒息了。
“I know how much you have given,” he said quietly. “But this is something you do have, and only you. I’m asking this of the true Alpha, Jacob. I’m asking this of Ephraim’s heir.”
“我知道你已经付出了多少，”他和颜悦色地说。“但是这样东西你一定有，也只有你会有。我在向真正的阿尔法要求一件事，雅各布。我在向以法莲的子嗣提问。”
I tried to swallow. Sam, I thought. It’s Sam you want.
我咽了口口水。山姆，我想，你应该问的人是山姆。
“I want your permission to deviate from what we agreed to in our treaty with Ephraim. I want you to grant us an exception. I want your permission to save her life. You know I’ll do it anyway, but I don’t want to break faith with you if there is any way to avoid it. We never intended to go back on our word, and we don’t do it lightly now. I want your understanding, Jacob, because you know exactly why we do this. I want the alliance between our families to survive when this is over.”
“对于我们曾经和以法莲定下的条约，我希望得到你的允许，赋予我们一次破例的机会。我希望得到你的允许救她的命。（把凡人贝拉变成吸血鬼本来是不可以的）你知道不管怎么样我都会这样做，但是只要不到万不得已我不想失去你的信任。我们从来不曾想要违背自己的诺言，现在我们也不会等闲视之。我希望得到你的理解，雅各布，因为你知道我们这么做的确切原因。当这一切都结束之后，我希望我们两个家族能形成同盟。”
“No. Sam’s authority is assumed. It belongs to you. You’ll never take it from him, but no one can rightfully agree to what I’m asking except for you.”
“不，山姆的只是授权罢了。这个权利属于你。虽然你永远都不会愿意从他那里夺回来，但是我这个请求不是其他人可以决定的，除了你。”
I was way past being able to respond.
我现在已经不知道怎么作答了。
I can’t think. I don’t know.
我无法思考了，我不知道。
“It is, Jacob, and you know it. Your word on this will condemn us or absolve us. Only you can give this to me.”
“是你的，雅各布，而且你也非常清楚这一点。你的话要不就把我们打入地狱，要不就赦免我们进天堂。只有你才有权利告诉我。”
No, there was no time. My few days had become a few hours.
是的，没时间了。我的几天已经变成了几小时。
It’s not my decision.
这不是我能做的决定。
“We don’t have much time.” He glanced back toward the house.
“我们没有多少时间了。”他不时瞟向房子。
I don’t know. Let me think. Just give me a minute here, okay?
我不知道。让我想想吧。给我几分钟好吗？
“Hey, kid,” I muttered.
“你好，孩子，”我沙哑地说。
“I know that,” I grunted.
“我知道。”我咕哝着应了一声。
“Yes.”
“可以。”
I shoved against his shoulder this time. “Get back to work. I’ll spell you in a bit.”
我用力拍了拍他的肩。“回去工作吧。我慢慢和你解释。”
He grinned at me.
他朝我咧开一个大大的笑容。
He dipped his head, and I patted his shoulder.
他点点头，于是我拍了拍他的肩膀。
I started walking to the house, and he followed. Crazy how easy it was, walking through the dark with a vampire right beside me. It didn’t feel unsafe, or even uncomfortable, really. It felt like walking next to anybody. Well, anybody who smelled bad.
我开始像房子走去，爱德华就跟在我后面。这是多么轻而易举的事啊，在黑暗中和一个吸血鬼一起并肩走路，而且没有一点不安和不舒服的感觉，真的。就好像走在身边的是一个普通人。好吧，一个不太好闻的普通人。
Seth nodded once.
塞思点了一下头。
“S’all cool,” I lied. “I’ll tell you about it later. Sorry to take off on you like that.”
“她酷毙了，”我撒了个谎。“我晚点再跟你说。抱歉突然不辞而别。”
We started toward the house, and both of our heads snapped up when we heard the sound of someone sucking through a straw. Edward was in a hurry then. He darted up the porch stairs and was gone.
我们又开始向房子走去，这时里面传来的吸管吸食某种液体的声音让我们同时抬起头来。爱德华立即加快了脚步，冲上门廊的台阶，不见了。
“He has one of the purest, sincerest, kindest minds I’ve ever heard,” Edward murmured when he was out of sight. “You’re lucky to have his thoughts to share.”
“他有一颗天底下最纯真、最真挚、最善良的心，”爱德华在他出了视野之外后才悄悄地说。“你很走运能够分享他的思想。”
“Hey, tell your sister to back off now, okay? Enough.”
“对了，转告你姐姐让她别管这件事了，好吗？已经够了。”
Seth leaned against me, shoving back, and then he galloped into the trees.
塞思倚着我，用力地撞回来，接着一溜烟地消失在树丛里。
There was a movement in the brush at the edge of the big lawn, and then a low whimper. Seth shrugged through the ferns and loped over to us.
大草坪边缘的灌木丛里一阵骚动，随着一声呜咽，塞思从那排蕨类植物后面窜了出来，迈着大步欢快地向我们跑来。
“I suppose we’ll find out.”
“我觉得我们会找到的。”
I pinched her lips together between my thumb and finger.
我用大拇指和食指夹住了她的嘴唇，堵住了她的话。
“Hey, Bells,” I said quickly. “How ya doing?”
“嗨，贝儿，”我马上说。“你感觉怎么样？”
I walked through the door.
这时，我正打门口进来。
“True. That’s a good point.”
“对啊。想得真周到。”
“I wonder if he’ll want anything else,” she mused.
“他还会需要别的东西么，”她若有所思地说道。
“I’m fine,” she said.
“我很好，”她说。
Alice said, “Finally,” and Bella’s eyes flashed to me. That infuriating, irresistible smile broke across her face for one second. Then it faltered, and her face fell. Her lips puckered, like she was trying not to cry.
爱丽丝说了句，“终于，”而贝拉瞥见了我。一抹令人可爱又可气的微笑从脸上一闪而过。然后笑容淡了下去，脸也冷了下来。撅起嘴，努力不让自己哭出来。
“You don’t have to do that, Jacob.”
“你没有必要那么做的，雅各布。”
“Bella, love, I thought you were sleeping,” I heard him say. “I’m sorry, I wouldn’t have left.”
“贝拉，亲爱的。我以为你在睡觉呢，”我听到他说话的声音。“对不起。我不应该离开的。”
She gave me a reproachful look. “I’m so s –” she started to say.
她用一种自责的眼神看着我。“我非常抱……”她开始说了。
“Don’t worry. I just got so thirsty — it woke me up. It’s a good thing Carlisle is bringing more. This kid is going to need it when he gets out of me.”
“别担心。我只是渴醒了。幸运的是卡莱尔带了更多的回来。当孩子出生后他也会需要的。”
“Big day today, huh? Lots of new stuff.”
“漫长的一天，恩？许多新的事情。”
“Don’t know what you’re talking about,” I said, going to sit on the arm of the sofa by her head. Edward had the floor there already.
“你在说什么呀，”我说着坐在了靠她头那侧的沙发扶手上。爱德华早就已经在地上坐好了。
I wanted to punch Leah right in her stupid mouth.
利亚那大嘴巴，真想抽她两巴掌。
“Jake,” she mumbled, trying to pull my hand away. Her attempt was so weak it was hard to believe that she was really trying.
“杰克，”她含糊着说，想要把我的手推开。但是她的力气实在绵软地都不敢相信她在用力。
I shook my head. “You can talk when you’re not being stupid.”
我摇摇头。“等你脑子聪明点了再说吧。”
“Sorry!” she finished quickly, and then grinned.
“对不起！”她还是得逞了，然后露出好看的笑容。
“Fine, I won’t say it,” it sounded like she mumbled.
“那好吧，我不说了，”听起来更像是她的自言自语。
When I stared into her eyes, I saw everything that I’d been looking for in the park.
当我凝望着她的眼睛，我终于找到了我在公园里一直在寻觅的那个人。
I pulled my hand away.
我松开了手。
Tomorrow, she’d be my enemy. Or she’d be my ally. And, apparently, that distinction was up to me.
明天，她可能就会是我的敌人，或者我的同盟。而且，很明显，左右这件事的人是我。
I rolled my eyes and then smiled back at her.
我假装瞪了她一眼，接着也笑了。
Tomorrow, she’d be someone else. But hopefully alive, and that was what counted, right? She’d look at me with the same eyes, sort of. Smile with the same lips, almost. She’d still know me better than anyone who didn’t have full access to the inside of my head.
明天，她可能就是另外一副样子了。但是希望她还能活着，那才是有意义的，对吗？她会用同样的眼睛看着我。用同样的嘴唇弯出笑容。她依然还是比任何和我有着泛泛思想交流的人更了解我。
Leah might be an interesting companion, maybe even a true friend — someone who would stand up for me. But she wasn’t my best friend the way that Bella was. Aside from the impossible love I felt for Bella, there was also that other bond, and it ran bone deep.
利亚可能会是个有趣的同伴，也许是个真正的朋友——某个可以忍受我的人。但是这种最好的朋友和贝拉那种的不一样。除了那几乎超越常理的我对贝拉的爱，我们之间还有更深的羁绊，这种羁绊已经渗透进骨子里。
Suddenly, she made a face. “Rose?” she asked.
突然，她扮了个鬼脸。“罗莎？”她请求说。
“Are you sure?” Edward asked.
“你确定吗？”爱德华问。
“Rose’ll catch me if I trip over my feet. Which could happen pretty easily, since I can’t see them.”
“如果我跌倒的话罗莎可以扶住我。这非常可能发生，因为我根本看不见自己的脚在哪里。”
“Sounds nice.”
“听起来不错。”
“Can I walk?” Bella asked. “My legs are so stiff.”
“可以让我走走吗？”贝拉问。“我的腿好像都僵掉了。”
“So,” Bella asked, working to be casual. “How was your day?”
“那么，”贝拉问道，尽量装得随意。“你今天怎么样？”
I heard Blondie chuckle. “Again?”
我听见那个金发芭比轻笑了一声，然后说，“又要去？”
Fine! I thought, giving up the very last thing I had to give. It made me feel hollow. Go ahead. Save her. As Ephraim’s heir, you have my permission, my word, that this will not violate the treaty. The others will just have to blame me. You were right — they can’t deny that it’s my right to agree to this.
好吧！我想，不得不放弃我最后一样东西的感觉真是太可怕了。去吧，拯救她。作为以法莲的后代，我赋予你我的准许，我的懿旨，条约不会因此而被打破。而这一定也会引来他人的非议。但你是对的——他们无法否认，只有我才有权利去同意。
“Great. Went for a drive. Hung out in the park.”
“好极了。开车去兜了风，在公园里面转悠了一圈。”
“I think I’ve drunk two gallons in the last hour,” Bella explained.
“我觉得我在过去一小时里已经喝了两加仑了，”贝拉解释说。
“Thank you.” Edward’s whisper was low enough that Bella didn’t hear anything. But the words were so fervent that, from the corner of my eye, I saw the other vampires turning to stare.
“谢谢。”爱德华的声音轻得让贝拉无法听见。但是却无法掩盖话语中透出的炙烈真诚，从眼角的余光瞄去，我看见其他的吸血鬼都惊呆了。
Edward and I both got out of the way while Rosalie came to lift Bella from the couch and take her to the bathroom.
当罗莎莉走过去把贝拉从沙发里抱出来，我和爱德华都让开了一条路，好让她把贝拉抱去盥洗室。
“Sure, sure.”
“当然，当然。”
I sighed.
我叹了口气。
“Oh!” she gasped.
“噢！”她倒吸了一口气。
She really was. Her stomach was its own continent.
她说的是实话。她的肚子就像一座高山。
Rosalie set Bella carefully on her feet, keeping her hands right at Bella’s shoulders. Bella stretched her arms out in front of her, wincing a little.
罗莎莉小心翼翼地让贝拉站到地上，双手扶住她的肩。贝拉伸出双臂，有些摇摇摆摆的保持平衡。
And then she went totally limp, slumping toward the floor. Rosalie caught her in the same instant, before she could fall. Edward was there, too, hands out, the mess on the sofa forgotten.
接着她浑身瘫软下来，向地面跌去。罗莎莉说是迟那时快，在她摔倒以前，一把接住了她。爱德华也已经就位，伸出手，完全忘了沙发上的那滩污迹。
“All righty, then. Whoops — oh, no!”
“好了，那么。哎呦——噢，不！”
“That feels good,” she sighed. “Ugh, but I’m huge.”
“这感觉很好，”她叹气说。“额，但是我看上去好巨大。”
The cup Bella had left on the sofa tumbled to one side, the dark red blood spilling out onto the pale fabric.
贝拉遗落在沙发上的杯子突然翻倒向一边，触目惊心的暗红色的血液泼洒在洁白的布料上。
I couldn’t help the pain that shot through me in a sudden, stabbing burst, but I tried to keep it off my face. I could hide it for one more day, right?
无法抑制瞬间肆虐全身的刺痛，剧烈而又突然，但是我还是装作很平静。我还可以在装一天的，对吗？
Automatically, though three other hands beat her there, Bella bent over, reaching out to catch it.
条件反射般，虽然有三只手伸出去拉住她，贝拉依然弯下腰，想要接住水杯。
“Bella?” he asked, and then his eyes unfocused, and panic shot across his features.
“贝拉？”他关切地问道。接着他眼神失焦，五官在痛苦的冲击下扭曲变形。
There was the strangest, muffled ripping sound from the center of her body.
这时，她身体里面发出一声沉闷的撕裂声，这是我出生以来所听过的最诡异的声音。
“One more day,” she said, and patted her stomach.
“还有一天，”她说着轻轻拍了一下肚子。
A half second later, Bella screamed.
半秒钟后，Bella发出尖叫。
It was not just a scream, it was a blood-curdling shriek of agony. The horrifying sound cut off with a gurgle, and her eyes rolled back into her head. Her body twitched, arched in Rosalie’s arms, and then Bella vomited a fountain of blood.
这已经不能称之为尖叫了，这是临死前凄厉的惨叫，能让人的血液都凝固。惊悚的声音被咯咯的喉音代替，她的眼珠向后翻去。她弓着身体，蜷曲在罗莎莉的怀中，然后贝拉呕出了汩汩的鲜血。
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