第十章: 一个年轻人的漫长的、尴尬的、偶尔悲剧，又时常蒙羞的心灵教育——第一部分：情人节 A Young Man’s Long, Awkward, Occasionally Tragic, and Frequently Humiliating Education in Affairs of the Heart, Part I: Valentine’s Day
It was my first year at H. A. Jack, the primary school I transferred to after leaving Maryvale. Valentine’s Day was approaching fast. I was twelve years old, and I’d never done Valentine’s Day before. We didn’t celebrate it in Catholic school. I understood Valentine’s Day, as a concept. The naked baby shoots you with an arrow and you fall in love. I got that part. But this was my first time being introduced to it as an activity. At H. A. Jack, Valentine’s Day was used as a fundraiser. Pupils were going around selling flowers and cards, and I had to go ask a friend what was happening.
离开玛丽威尔，转学到H.A。杰克小学的第一年后，情人节很快就到了。那时我12岁，从没过过情人节。天主教学校是不过情人节的。我大概理解情人节的概念，就是一个光着身子的婴儿用箭射你，你就坠入爱河了。我理解这部分。但是我从来没参加过情人节“活动”。在H.A。杰克小学，情人节被用来当作募款集资的活动。小学生们会在各处贩卖鲜花和卡片，我得去问问朋友这到底是怎么回事。
“Oh, you know,” she said, “it’s Valentine’s Day. You pick a special person and you tell them that you love them, and they love you back.”
“哦，就是…”她说，“情人节，你要挑一个特殊的对象，跟她说你爱他，然后她也要爱你。”
“What is this?” I said. “What are we doing?”
“这是什么？”我问道，“我们要做什么？”
Wow, I thought, that seems intense. But I hadn’t been shot by Cupid’s arrow, and I didn’t know of anyone getting shot on my behalf. I had no clue what was going on. All week, the girls in school kept saying, “Who’s your valentine? Who’s your valentine?” I didn’t know what I was supposed to do. Finally one of the girls, a white girl, said, “You should ask Maylene.” The other kids agreed. “Yes, Maylene. You should definitely ask Maylene. You have to ask Maylene. You guys are perfect for each other.”
哇哦，我想，好刺激。但是那时我还从未被丘比特的箭射中过，也不知道丘比特帮我射中过谁。我对这些事毫无头绪。整整一周，学校的女孩子都在问：“你的情人节对象是谁？你要找谁当你的情人节对象？”我不知道该做什么。终于，一个白人女孩说：“你应该去问问梅林。”其他孩子都表示赞同。“是的，梅林。你绝对要问问梅林。你必须得去问梅林。你们两个简直太配了。”
Maylene was cool. She was good at tennis, smart, cute. I liked her. I didn’t have a crush on her; I wasn’t even thinking about girls that way yet. I just liked hanging out with her. Maylene was also the only colored girl in school. I was the only mixed kid in school. We were the only two people who looked like each other. The white girls were insistent about me asking Maylene to be my valentine. They were like, “Trevor, you have to ask her. You’re the only two. It’s your responsibility.” It was like our species was going to die out if we didn’t mate and carry on. Which I’ve learned in life is something that white people do without even realizing it. “You two look the same, therefore we must arrange for you to have sex.”
梅林很酷，网球打得好，又聪明，又可爱。我喜欢她。但是我对她并没有恋爱的情愫，我那时还从没对哪个女孩产生过恋爱的感觉。我只是喜欢和她一起玩。梅林也是学校里唯一的有色人种女孩，而我是学校里唯一的混血小孩。我们是仅有的两个外表相似的人。那些白人女孩坚持要我选梅林做我的情人节对象，就好像在说：“特雷弗，你必须找她，你们俩是唯一的两个，这是你的责任。”就好像我们两个不在一起，我们的种族血脉就要断了似的。我在后来的生活中发现，原来白人甚至都意识不到自己有这样的思维逻辑：“你们俩长得很像，因此我们必须要安排你们俩进行交配。”
Maylene was a girl I used to walk home from school with. We lived in the city now, me, my mom and Abel, who was now my stepfather, and my new baby brother, Andrew. We’d sold our house in Eden Park to invest in Abel’s new garage. Then that fell apart, and we ended up moving to a neighborhood called Highlands North, a thirty-minute walk from H. A. Jack. A group of us would leave school together every afternoon, each kid peeling off and going their separate way when we reached their house. Maylene and I lived the farthest, so we’d always be the last two. We’d walk together until we got where we needed to go, and then we’d part ways.
梅林经常和我一起放学回家。现在我、我妈和亚伯，再加上刚出生的小弟弟安德鲁，已经搬到城里住了。我们卖掉了伊登公园的房子，投资了亚伯新开的汽车修理厂。但厂子很快倒闭了，我们只好搬去了一个叫高地北的社区，离H.A。杰克小学有30分钟步行的距离。每天下午放学后，同路的同学们会一起走回家，沿途中他们会一个一个地在分岔路告别，因为他们到自己家了，而梅林和我住得最远，所以最后总是剩下我们两个。我们会继续一起走完剩下的路，然后各回各家。
“Maylene’s totally got a thing for you.”
“梅林肯定喜欢你。”
“Does she?”
“她喜欢我？”
I honestly hadn’t thought of asking Maylene, but when the girls brought it up, that thing happened where someone plants the idea in your head and it changes your perception.
实话说，我真没想过要约梅林，但是当那些女孩这样说了以后，就好像有人在你脑中植入了一个念头，并且改变了你的看法。
“Are we?”
“我们配？”
I liked Maylene as much as I liked anyone, I suppose. Mostly I think I liked the idea of being liked. I decided I’d ask her to be my valentine, but I had no idea how to do it. I didn’t know the first thing about having a girlfriend. I had to be taught the whole love bureaucracy of the school. There was the thing where you don’t actually talk straight to the person. You have your group of friends and she has her group of friends, and your group of friends has to go to her group of friends and say, “Okay, Trevor likes Maylene. He wants her to be his valentine. We’re in favor. We’re ready to sign off with your approval.” Her friends say, “Okay. Sounds good. We have to run it by Maylene.” They go to Maylene. They consult. They tell her what they think. “Trevor says he likes you. We’re in favor. We think you’d be good together. What do you say?” Maylene says, “I like Trevor.” They say, “Okay. Let’s move forward.” They come back to us. “Maylene says she approves and she’s waiting for Trevor’s Valentine’s Day advance.”
我喜欢梅林的程度和我喜欢其他人的程度没有什么不同。其实我觉得我应该只是喜欢被人喜欢的感觉。我决定邀她做我的情人节对象，但我不知道该怎么开口。关于女朋友的事，我一点儿也不懂。我需要进修所有关于恋爱的课程。而约她这件事恰恰是你不能直接对那个人说的。你有你的朋友圈子，她有她的朋友圈子。你的朋友会去找到她的朋友，说：“是这样，特雷弗喜欢梅林。他想邀她做他的情人节对象。我们支持他，我们需要得到你们的同意。”她的朋友们会说：“好吧，听起来不错，我们得去问问梅林。”她们会去找梅林，商量一番，她们会告诉梅林她们的想法。“特雷弗说他喜欢你。我们支持。我们觉得你们俩在一起挺好的，你怎么想？”梅林会说：“我喜欢特雷弗。”她们会说：“好的，那我们继续了。”她们会回来找我们：“梅林说她同意了，就等特雷弗正式向她发出邀请。”
“Well, okay. If you say so.”
“哦，好吧，如果你们都这么说的话。”
“Totally.”
“绝对配。”
“Yeah, you guys are great together!”
“是啊，你们俩很配的。”
The girls told me this process was what needed to happen. I said, “Cool. Let’s do it.” The friends sorted it out, Maylene got on board, and I was all set.
女孩们告诉了我这整套流程。我说：“好啊，就这么干吧。”朋友们解决了前半段，梅林同意了，我也准备就绪了。
“Hey, Valentine’s Day is coming up, and I was wondering, would you be my valentine?”
“嘿，情人节就要到了，我在想，你愿意做我的情人节对象吗？”
“Yes. I’ll be your valentine.”
“嗯，我愿意做你的情人节对象。”
The week before Valentine’s, Maylene and I were walking home together, and I was trying to get up the courage to ask her. I was so nervous. I’d never done anything like it. I already knew the answer; her friends had told me she’d say yes. It’s like being in Congress. You know you have the votes before you go to the floor, but it’s still difficult because anything could happen. I didn’t know how to do it, all I knew was I wanted it to be perfect, so I waited until we were standing outside McDonald’s. Then I mustered up all of my courage and turned to her.
情人节前一周，我和梅林又一起走回家。我一直在给自己暗暗打气，一会儿就要说了，我太紧张了，从没干过这种事。我已经知道她的答案了，她的朋友们告诉我她同意了。这简直就像是在开代表大会，你在进场之前已经知道票数归向了，但还是很紧张，因为任何事都可能发生。我不知道该怎么做，只知道我希望一切完美，所以我等着，直到我们走到麦当劳的门前，才鼓起勇气，转向她。
And then, under the golden arches, we kissed. It was my first time ever kissing a girl. It was just a peck, our lips touched for only a few seconds, but it set off explosions in my head. Yes! Oh, yes. This. I don’t know what this is, but I like it. Something had awakened. And it was right outside McDonald’s, so it was extra special.
然后，在麦当劳金色的大M标志下，我们接吻了。这是我第一次亲吻女生。其实只能算轻啄，我们的嘴唇只接触了几秒钟，但是我的大脑里有什么东西爆炸了。是了！哦，是了。就是这个。我不知道这是什么，但是我喜欢。仿佛有什么东西觉醒了，而且还是在麦当劳的门口，这简直令它更显特别了。
Now I was truly excited. I had a valentine. I had a girlfriend. I spent the whole week thinking about Maylene, wanting to make her Valentine’s Day as memorable as I could. I saved up my pocket money and bought her flowers and a teddy bear and a card. I wrote a poem with her name in the card, which was really hard because there aren’t many good words that rhyme with Maylene. (Machine? Ravine? Sardine?) Then the big day came. I got my Valentine’s card and the flowers and the teddy bear and got them ready and took them to school. I was the happiest boy on earth.
现在我真正兴奋了起来。我有情人节对象了。我有女朋友了。整整一周我都在想着梅林，想让这个情人节令她终身难忘。我攒了零花钱给她买了花、一只泰迪熊和一张卡片。我在卡片上写了一首诗，诗里蕴含了她的名字，其实这很难，因为能和梅林押韵的好词并不多。（机器？沟壑？沙丁？[5]）那天终于来了。我装好情人节卡片、鲜花和泰迪熊，把它们带到了学校。我是地球上最快乐的男孩。
The teachers had set aside a period before recess for everyone to exchange valentines. There was a corridor outside our classrooms where I knew Maylene would be, and I waited for her there. All around me, love was in bloom. Boys and girls exchanging cards and gifts, laughing and giggling and stealing kisses. I waited and waited. Finally Maylene showed up and walked over to me. I was about to say “Happy Valentine’s Day!” when she stopped me and said, “Oh, hi, Trevor. Um, listen, I can’t be your girlfriend anymore. Lorenzo asked me to be his valentine and I can’t have two valentines, so I’m his girlfriend now and not yours.”
老师专门在午休之前划出一段时间，让大家交换情人节礼物。我们的教室外面有个走廊，我知道梅林可能在那儿，我就去那儿等她。我的周围溢满了恋爱的粉红色泡泡。男孩女孩们交换着卡片和礼物，或大笑或傻笑或偷偷亲吻着。我等啊等啊，终于，梅林出现了，她走向我。我刚刚要开口说“情人节快乐”，她就打断了我，然后说：“哦，嗨，特雷弗。呃，听着，我不能当你的女朋友了。洛伦佐让我当他的情人节对象，而我不能同时有两个情人节对象，所以我现在是他的女朋友了，不是你的。”
She said it so matter-of-factly that I had no idea how to process it. This was my first time having a girlfriend, so at first I thought, Huh, maybe this is just how it goes.
她这番话讲得如此实事求是，我都不知如何反应了。这是我第一次有女朋友，所以一上来我就觉得，呃，可能本来就该这样吧。
“Oh, okay,” I said. “Well, um… happy Valentine’s Day.”
“哦，好的，”我说，“嗯…情人节快乐。”
As devastated as I was, I understood why Maylene made the choice that she did. I would have picked Lorenzo over me, too. All the other kids were running up and down the corridors and out on the playground, laughing and smiling with their red and pink cards and flowers, and I went back to the classroom and sat by myself and waited for the bell to ring.
尽管我深受重创，但我能理解梅林为什么会做出这样的选择。如果是我，我也会选洛伦佐，不选我自己。其他所有小孩都在走廊上疯跑着，在操场上玩闹着，他们拿着自己收到的红色粉色的卡片和花大笑着，而我只能走回教室，坐到自己的座位，等着上课铃响起。
I held out the card and the flowers and the teddy bear. She took them and said thanks, and she was gone.
我还是把卡片、鲜花和泰迪熊递给她，她接了过去，说了句谢谢，然后转身离开了。
I felt like someone had taken a gun and shot holes in every part of me. But at the same time some part of me said, “Well, this makes sense.” Lorenzo was everything I wasn’t. He was popular. He was white. He’d upset the balance of everything by asking out the only colored girl in school. Girls loved him, and he was dumb as rocks. A nice guy, but kind of a bad boy. Girls did his homework for him; he was that guy. He was really good-looking, too. It was like when he was creating his character he traded in all his intelligence points for beauty points. I stood no chance.
我感觉有人拿了把枪，在我身上射了无数个洞。与此同时，我脑中又有另一个声音说：“好吧，这其实才讲得通。”洛伦佐有的一切，我都没有。他很受欢迎。他是白人。一旦他和整所学校里唯一的有色人种女孩约会，就能打破一切平衡。女孩子都爱他，虽然他蠢得像块石头。他是个好人，但同时也是那种坏男孩。女孩们会为他写作业，他就是那种人。他长得非常帅气。感觉他在塑造个人形象的时候，把智商分全部换成了外貌分。我完全没可能比过他。
Petrol for the car, like food, was an expense we could not avoid, but my mom could get more mileage out of a tank of petrol than any human who has ever been on a road in the history of automobiles. She knew every trick. Driving around Johannesburg in our rusty old Volkswagen, every time she stopped in traffic, she’d turn off the car. Then the traffic would start and she’d turn the car on again. That stop-start technology that they use in hybrid cars now? That was my mom. She was a hybrid car before hybrid cars came out. She was the master of coasting. She knew every downhill between work and school, between school and home. She knew exactly where the gradient shifted to put it into neutral. She could time the traffic lights so we could coast through intersections without using the brakes or losing momentum.
开车就需要汽油，这是一项我们无法回避的支出，但如果让所有人使用等量的汽油开车，我妈能比所有人开得更远。她懂得很多省油小技巧。她在约翰内斯堡城里开着那辆生锈的老甲壳虫，只要遇上堵车，她就熄火。如果前面车子动了，她再发动车。这种用在混合动力车上的熄火打火高科技？那是我妈的绝招。在混合动力车被发明出来以前，她就是混合动力车本身。她还是依靠惯性滑行的老手。她知道上班上学路上的每一个下坡，哪里开始有斜坡了，她心里门儿清，准时放空挡。她还会精准计算交通灯的秒数，这样我们可以不用刹车或减速，而是任由车子缓缓滑过路口。
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There were times when we would be in traffic and we had so little money for petrol that I would have to push the car. If we were stuck in gridlock, my mom would turn the car off and it was my job to get out and push it forward six inches at a time. People would pitch up and offer to help.
有时候我们被堵在路上，而又没什么钱买汽油的时候，我就得推车。如果整条路被堵死了，我妈就会将车子熄火，我的任务就是要下车，推着车一点一点地向前挪，每次挪个十五厘米的样子。看到这一幕，总有人会上来想要帮忙。
“Nope. We’re fine.”
“没有，我们没事。”
“Are you stuck?”
“车子卡住了吗？”
“Can we help you?”
“要帮忙吗？”
“Yep.”
“是的。”
“You sure?”
“确定吗？”
“Nope.”
“不用。”
And what do you say? The truth? “Thanks, but we’re just so poor my mom makes her kid push the car”?
我能怎么说？说实话吗？“谢谢，但是我们只是穷，所以我妈让她的小孩推着车走？”
“Do you need a tow?”
“需要帮你们拖一段吗？”
That was some of the most embarrassing shit in my life, pushing the car to school like the fucking Flintstones. Because the other kids were coming in on that same road to go to school. I’d take my blazer off so that no one could tell what school I went to, and I would bury my head and push the car, hoping no one would recognize me.
那是我生命里最尴尬的几个时刻之一，像原始人一样推着车子去上学。因为其他小孩也沿同样的路线去上学，所以推车的时候，我会把夹克脱掉，这样就没人知道我是哪个学校的，并且深深低下头，希望没人认出我。
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