第一章: 跑 Run
Sometimes in big Hollywood movies they’ll have these crazy chase scenes where somebody jumps or gets thrown from a moving car. The person hits the ground and rolls for a bit. Then they come to a stop and pop up and dust themselves off, like it was no big deal. Whenever I see that I think, That’s rubbish. Getting thrown out of a moving car hurts way worse than that.
好莱坞大片里经常有那种疯狂追逐的戏码，某人从高速行驶中的车上跳下来，或被人丢下来，摔到地上，滚上几滚，停下，然后站起来，掸掸身上的灰，好像这不是什么大事。每当看到那种戏份，我都会想，这纯属瞎扯。被人从高速行驶的车里丢出来可比这要痛苦得多。
I was nine years old when my mother threw me out of a moving car. It happened on a Sunday. I know it was on a Sunday because we were coming home from church, and every Sunday in my childhood meant church. We never missed church. My mother was — and still is — a deeply religious woman. Very Christian. Like indigenous peoples around the world, black South Africans adopted the religion of our colonizers. By “adopt” I mean it was forced on us. The white man was quite stern with the native. “You need to pray to Jesus,” he said. “Jesus will save you.” To which the native replied, “Well, we do need to be saved — saved from you, but that’s beside the point. So let’s give this Jesus thing a shot.”
九岁的时候，我妈就把我从一辆正在行驶的车上扔了出来。那天是周日。我记得很清楚，因为那时我们正在从教堂回家的路上。在我的童年里，每个周日都是属于教堂的。我们从来不会错过礼拜。我妈那时是——现在依然是——一个非常有信仰的女人。虔诚的基督徒。和世界各地的原住民一样，南非的黑人也接受了殖民者的宗教。我说“接受”，但其实是强迫接受。白人对本地的原住民很严苛。他们说：“你们要向耶稣祷告，耶稣会拯救你们。”原住民则回答道：“好吧，我们的确需要被拯救——把我们从你们手中拯救出来，不过这是另一码事了，所以让我们来试试这个耶稣吧。”
My childhood involved church, or some form of church, at least four nights a week. Tuesday night was the prayer meeting. Wednesday night was Bible study. Thursday night was Youth church. Friday and Saturday we had off. (Time to sin!) Then on Sunday we went to church. Three churches, to be precise. The reason we went to three churches was because my mom said each church gave her something different. The first church offered jubilant praise of the Lord. The second church offered deep analysis of the scripture, which my mom loved. The third church offered passion and catharsis; it was a place where you truly felt the presence of the Holy Spirit inside you. Completely by coincidence, as we moved back and forth between these churches, I noticed that each one had its own distinct racial makeup: Jubilant church was mixed church. Analytical church was white church. And passionate, cathartic church, that was black church.
我的童年充斥着教会或某种形式的教会活动，一周起码有四个晚上要在教会度过。周二晚上是祈祷会。周三晚上是《圣经》学习。周四晚上是青年礼拜。周五周六晚上休息。（原罪之夜！）然后是周日去教堂做礼拜。准确地说，要辗转三个教堂。原因是我妈说，这三个教堂的教会，每一个都能带给她不同的东西。第一个教会，有对上帝的喜悦赞美。第二个教会，有对《圣经》的深度解读，我妈很喜欢。第三个教会，激情澎湃、涤荡灵魂。在那里，你能真正地感受到被圣灵充满的感觉。但在完全偶然的情况下，随着我们与这几个教堂之间的来往，我注意到了每个教堂都有自己特定的种族构成。喜悦赞美教会是多种族融合教会。深度解读教会是白人教会。激情澎湃教会则是黑人教会。
My whole family is religious, but where my mother was Team Jesus all the way, my grandmother balanced her Christian faith with the traditional Xhosa beliefs she’d grown up with, communicating with the spirits of our ancestors. For a long time I didn’t understand why so many black people had abandoned their indigenous faith for Christianity. But the more we went to church and the longer I sat in those pews the more I learned about how Christianity works: If you’re Native American and you pray to the wolves, you’re a savage. If you’re African and you pray to your ancestors, you’re a primitive. But when white people pray to a guy who turns water into wine, well, that’s just common sense.
我的整个家庭都信教，只不过我妈一直信基督，而我的外婆一面信着基督，一面也保留着她从小到大的传统科萨信仰，她会和我们祖先的灵魂交流。很长时间里，我都不明白为什么很多黑人会放弃他们原本的信仰，改信了基督。但是去教堂去得越多，在那些长凳上坐得越久，我就越了解基督教的逻辑：如果你是美国原住民，你向狼祈祷，那你是野蛮人；如果你是非洲人，你向你的祖先祈祷，你是原始人。但当白人向一个能把水变成酒的家伙祈祷，好吧，这很合乎常识。
Mixed church was Rhema Bible Church. Rhema was one of those huge, supermodern, suburban megachurches. The pastor, Ray McCauley, was an ex-bodybuilder with a big smile and the personality of a cheerleader. Pastor Ray had competed in the 1974 Mr. Universe competition. He placed third. The winner that year was Arnold Schwarzenegger. Every week, Ray would be up onstage working really hard to make Jesus cool. There was arena-style seating and a rock band jamming out with the latest Christian contemporary pop. Everyone sang along, and if you didn’t know the words that was okay because they were all right up there on the Jumbotron for you. It was Christian karaoke, basically. I always had a blast at mixed church.
多种族教会在雷玛圣经教堂，一个庞大且具有现代感的大教堂，位于市郊。那里的牧师雷·麦考利，之前是一位健美爱好者，脸上挂着大大的笑容，性格很像啦啦队队长。雷牧师参加过1974年的宇宙先生健美比赛，排名第三，那年的冠军是阿诺德·施瓦辛格。每个周末，雷都会站在台上，用尽浑身解数来让耶稣显得很酷。座位排布是剧场式的，还有一个摇滚乐队现场演奏最新的基督教流行乐。每个人都跟着合唱。你不知道歌词也没事，头顶上有个大大的电视屏幕，歌词就在上面滚动。可以说，这就是基督教的卡拉OK。我在这个多种族教会常常玩得很嗨。
White church was Rosebank Union in Sandton, a very white and wealthy part of Johannesburg. I loved white church because I didn’t actually have to go to the main service. My mom would go to that, and I would go to the youth side, to Sunday school. In Sunday school we got to read cool stories. Noah and the flood was obviously a favorite; I had a personal stake there. But I also loved the stories about Moses parting the Red Sea, David slaying Goliath, Jesus whipping the money changers in the temple.
白人教会在玫瑰岸联盟教堂，位于桑顿，属于约翰内斯堡一个非常富有的社区，是白人聚居地。我超喜欢白人教会，因为我不用去做主日祷告，我妈会去那边，而我只需要去孩子们上的主日学校。在主日学校里，我们可以读到一些很酷的故事。诺亚方舟和洪水的故事是我最喜欢的，毕竟，这个和我有直接联系嘛。此外，我也喜欢摩西分开红海、大卫打败巨人、耶稣驱逐神庙里的货币兑换商这几个故事。
I grew up in a home with very little exposure to popular culture. Boyz II Men were not allowed in my mother’s house. Songs about some guy grinding on a girl all night long? No, no, no. That was forbidden. I’d hear the other kids at school singing “End of the Road,” and I’d have no clue what was going on. I knew of these Boyz II Men, but I didn’t really know who they were. The only music I knew was from church: soaring, uplifting songs praising Jesus. It was the same with movies. My mom didn’t want my mind polluted by movies with sex and violence. So the Bible was my action movie. Samson was my superhero. He was my He-Man. A guy beating a thousand people to death with the jawbone of a donkey? That’s pretty badass. Eventually you get to Paul writing letters to the Ephesians and it loses the plot, but the Old Testament and the Gospels? I could quote you anything from those pages, chapter and verse. There were Bible games and quizzes every week at white church, and I kicked everyone’s ass.
在成长过程中，我几乎没怎么接触过流行文化。我妈的房子里不准放BoyzIIMen的歌。那种唱男人和女孩整晚大跳贴身热舞的歌？不行不行不行。绝对不能听。我的其他同学在学校会哼唱《路的尽头》，我完全不知道他们在唱什么。我大概听说过BoyzIIMen的名字，但并不真的知道他们是谁。我唯一了解的音乐只来自教堂：那种情绪高昂、鼓舞人心的赞美诗。电影也是一样。我妈希望我的思想永远不会被黄色和暴力的内容污染。所以，《圣经》就是我的动作电影。参孙就是我的超级英雄。他是我的希曼。一个人能用一块驴子的下颌骨打死一千个人？这也太牛了。当然，到保罗和《以弗所书》那部分时，就没什么情节了，不过，要说起《旧约》和《福音书》？每一页、每一章、每一节我都能给你背出来。白人教会每周都有《圣经》猜谜游戏，我能赢过所有人。
Then there was black church. There was always some kind of black church service going on somewhere, and we tried them all. In the township, that typically meant an outdoor, tent-revival-style church. We usually went to my grandmother’s church, an old-school Methodist congregation, five hundred African grannies in blue-and-white blouses, clutching their Bibles and patiently burning in the hot African sun. Black church was rough, I won’t lie. No air-conditioning. No lyrics up on Jumbotrons. And it lasted forever, three or four hours at least, which confused me because white church was only like an hour — in and out, thanks for coming. But at black church I would sit there for what felt like an eternity, trying to figure out why time moved so slowly. Is it possible for time to actually stop? If so, why does it stop at black church and not at white church? I eventually decided black people needed more time with Jesus because we suffered more. “I’m here to fill up on my blessings for the week,” my mother used to say. The more time we spent at church, she reckoned, the more blessings we accrued, like a Starbucks Rewards Card.
然后就是黑人教会。好像时不时哪里就会有黑人教会的服侍活动，我们都会去。在镇上，一般会有那种户外的“帐篷复兴”教会。我们经常去外婆的教会，那是一个传统的循道宗教会，五百多名黑人奶奶们穿着蓝白色的衬衫，抓着《圣经》，极富耐心地曝晒在炽热的非洲太阳下。实话实说，黑人教会的条件很差。没有空调。没有大屏幕滚动播出歌词，而且一开就老半天，起码三四个小时。这让我感觉很迷惑，因为白人教会的活动只有一个小时，包括大家进场退场，还有牧师致感谢词的时间。但是黑人教会能让我感觉我已经在那儿坐了一辈子，一直在思考，为什么时间过得这么慢。是不是时间是有可能静止的？如果是，那么为什么只会在黑人教会静止，却不在白人教会静止呢？最后我的结论是，黑人社群大概需要和耶稣相处得久一点儿，因为他们的生活里有更多的痛苦。“我在这儿可以收获未来一周的祝福。”我妈曾这样说。她觉得，我们在教会待的时间越久，祝福就累积得越多，好像星巴克的积分卡一样。
Christian karaoke, badass action stories, and violent faith healers — man, I loved church. The thing I didn’t love was the lengths we had to go to in order to get to church. It was an epic slog. We lived in Eden Park, a tiny suburb way outside Johannesburg. It took us an hour to get to white church, another forty-five minutes to get to mixed church, and another forty-five minutes to drive out to Soweto for black church. Then, if that wasn’t bad enough, some Sundays we’d double back to white church for a special evening service. By the time we finally got home at night, I’d collapse into bed.
基督教卡拉OK、超级英雄故事、暴力信仰疗法，天哪，我真心爱教堂。但我不喜欢去教堂的那段长路，真可算是艰苦跋涉。我们住在伊登公园，是约翰内斯堡郊外的一个小地方。从那里去到白人教会要一个小时，到多种族教会要再花四十五分钟，然后去位于索韦托的黑人教会还要再开四十五分钟的车。如果一切顺利，有时候我们还会开回白人教会，再参加一次晚祷。等我们最终在深夜回到家中，我会累得一头栽倒在床上。
Black church had one saving grace. If I could make it to the third or fourth hour I’d get to watch the pastor cast demons out of people. People possessed by demons would start running up and down the aisles like madmen, screaming in tongues. The ushers would tackle them, like bouncers at a club, and hold them down for the pastor. The pastor would grab their heads and violently shake them back and forth, shouting, “I cast out this spirit in the name of Jesus!” Some pastors were more violent than others, but what they all had in common was that they wouldn’t stop until the demon was gone and the congregant had gone limp and collapsed on the stage. The person had to fall. Because if he didn’t fall that meant the demon was powerful and the pastor needed to come at him even harder. You could be a linebacker in the NFL. Didn’t matter. That pastor was taking you down. Good Lord, that was fun.
黑人教会倒是有个好的地方，如果我能撑到第三或第四个小时，就能看到驱散恶魔的仪式。被恶魔附身的人，此时会像疯了一样在走道上狂奔、尖叫。教堂的引座员会像夜店的保镖那样，将他们按倒在地，押送到牧师面前。牧师会抓住他们的头，前后猛烈摇晃，大喊道：“我要以耶稣之名将此恶魔逐出！”有一些牧师会格外暴力，但所有的牧师都会将教友摇到恶魔从教友身体里离开，那人踉跄着瘫倒在地后才会收手。身体内有恶魔的教友此时必须要跌倒，如果他不倒，就说明体内的恶魔很强，牧师需要下手再狠一点儿。哪怕你是全美橄榄球联盟的钢铁后卫，这儿的牧师也能把你掀翻在地。我的主，真是太有趣了。
This particular Sunday, the Sunday I was hurled from a moving car, started out like any other Sunday. My mother woke me up, made me porridge for breakfast. I took my bath while she dressed my baby brother Andrew, who was nine months old. Then we went out to the driveway, but once we were finally all strapped in and ready to go, the car wouldn’t start. My mom had this ancient, broken-down, bright-tangerine Volkswagen Beetle that she picked up for next to nothing. The reason she got it for next to nothing was because it was always breaking down. To this day I hate secondhand cars. Almost everything that’s ever gone wrong in my life I can trace back to a secondhand car. Secondhand cars made me get detention for being late for school. Secondhand cars left us hitchhiking on the side of the freeway. A secondhand car was also the reason my mom got married. If it hadn’t been for the Volkswagen that didn’t work, we never would have looked for the mechanic who became the husband who became the stepfather who became the man who tortured us for years and put a bullet in the back of my mother’s head — I’ll take the new car with the warranty every time.
那个周日，也就是我从车里被甩出去的那个周日，和别的寻常周日有着一样的开始。我妈把我叫起来，给我做了早餐粥。我去洗澡，她给我九个月大的弟弟安德鲁穿好衣服。然后我们出门上车，在我们都扣好安全带准备上路时，车子却发动不起来了。我妈的车是一辆古旧的亮橙色大众甲壳虫，她买的时候几乎没花多少钱，而之所以这么便宜，是因为它总是坏。所以直到今天，我依然痛恨二手车。几乎我人生中所有的倒霉事，最后都能追溯到某辆二手车身上。二手车害我上学迟到被罚课后留校。二手车导致我们站在高速路上搭顺风车。二手车还是我妈妈再婚的原因。要不是因为这辆坏了的甲壳虫，我们就不会去找机师修，那机师就不会和我妈结婚，就不会变成我继父，就不会折磨我们那么多年，就不会朝我妈脑后开那一枪——所以之后我永远只会选择带担保的新车。
My mother is as stubborn as she is religious. Once her mind’s made up, that’s it. Indeed, obstacles that would normally lead a person to change their plans, like a car breaking down, only made her more determined to forge ahead.
我母亲有多虔诚，就有多固执。一旦她做了决定，就无法改变。事实上，那些通常会让人改变原定计划的障碍，譬如车无法启动这种事，只会让她更加坚定地勇往直前。
Whenever I found myself up against my mother’s faith-based obstinacy, I would try, as respectfully as possible, to counter with an opposing point of view.
每当我想反驳一下我母亲这种基于信仰的固执时，就会用非常尊敬的口吻，向她表达不同的意见。
“Come,” she said. “We’re going to catch minibuses.”
“来，”她说，“我们去搭小巴。”
As much as I loved church, the idea of a nine-hour slog, from mixed church to white church to black church then doubling back to white church again, was just too much to contemplate. It was bad enough in a car, but taking public transport would be twice as long and twice as hard. When the Volkswagen refused to start, inside my head I was praying, Please say we’ll just stay home. Please say we’ll just stay home. Then I glanced over to see the determined look on my mother’s face, her jaw set, and I knew I had a long day ahead of me.
尽管我爱教堂，但一想到那九个小时的长途跋涉，从多种族教会到白人教会到黑人教会再折回白人教会，实在是想想都头疼。自己开车去就已经很痛苦了，乘坐公共交通的话，则会花双倍时间，痛苦也会翻倍。我在脑中祈祷着，快说我们就在家待着吧，快说我们就在家待着吧。然后，我瞥到了她脸上坚毅的神情和牙关紧闭的样子，我知道，等着我的将是漫长的一天。
“It’s the Devil,” she said about the stalled car. “The Devil doesn’t want us to go to church. That’s why we’ve got to catch minibuses.”
“是魔鬼干的，”她这样解释车子坏了的原因，“魔鬼不想让我们去教堂，所以我们得去搭小巴。”
“No, Trevor! Sometimes Jesus puts obstacles in your way to see if you overcome them. Like Job. This could be a test.”
“不，特雷弗！有时候耶稣会在你的道路上设置障碍，看你是否能克服。就像下任务一样。这一定是一次试探。”
“No, because Jesus is in control, and if Jesus is in control and we pray to Jesus, he would let the car start, but he hasn’t, therefore –“
“不，一切尽在耶稣的掌控之中，如果耶稣尽在掌控，那我们向他祷告，他就会帮我们发动车子，但是他没有，所以——”
“Ah, that’s the Devil talking, Trevor.”
“啊，这是魔鬼的说辞，特雷弗。”
“Or,” I said, “the Lord knows that today we shouldn’t go to church, which is why he made sure the car wouldn’t start, so that we stay at home as a family and take a day of rest, because even the Lord rested.”
“或者，”我说，“主知道我们今天不应该去教堂，这就是为什么他让我们的车子发动不了的原因，所以我们就可以一家人待在家里，休息一整天，因为这也是主的休息日。”
“Ah! Yes, Mom. But the test could be to see if we’re willing to accept what has happened and stay at home and praise Jesus for his wisdom.”
“啊！是的，妈妈。但是这个试探，也可能是想看看我们是不是接受了既已发生的事实，待在家中，为他的智慧祈祷。”
“No. That’s the Devil talking. Now go change your clothes.”
“不。这还是魔鬼的说辞，去换衣服。”
Sun’qhela is a phrase with many shades of meaning. It says “don’t undermine me,” “don’t underestimate me,” and “just try me.” It’s a command and a threat, all at once. It’s a common thing for Xhosa parents to say to their kids. Any time I heard it I knew it meant the conversation was over, and if I uttered another word I was in for a hiding — what we call a spanking.
萨柯拉的意思是“别唱反调”。这是科萨家长经常对小孩说的话。只要听到这句话，我就明白对话结束了，如果我再敢咕哝一个字，就会招来一场暴揍。
“But, Mom!”
“可是妈妈！”
“Trevor! Sun’qhela!”
“特雷弗！萨柯拉！”
At the time, I attended a private Catholic school called Maryvale College. I was the champion of the Maryvale sports day every single year, and my mother won the moms’ trophy every single year. Why? Because she was always chasing me to kick my ass, and I was always running not to get my ass kicked. Nobody ran like me and my mom. She wasn’t one of those “Come over here and get your hiding” type moms. She’d deliver it to you free of charge. She was a thrower, too. Whatever was next to her was coming at you. If it was something breakable, I had to catch it and put it down. If it broke, that would be my fault, too, and the ass-kicking would be that much worse. If she threw a vase at me, I’d have to catch it, put it down, and then run. In a split second, I’d have to think, Is it valuable? Yes. Is it breakable? Yes. Catch it, put it down, now run.
那时，我还在一所名叫玛丽威尔学院的私立天主教学校上学，我每年都能在玛丽威尔学院运动会上拿到冠军，而我母亲每年也都能捧回“第一妈妈”的奖杯。为什么？因为她总是在后面追着我踢我屁股，而我总是要跑得飞快来避免屁股被踢到。没人能跑得比我和我妈还快。她不是那种“过来让我揍你一顿”类型的妈妈。她会免费送“揍”上门。她还喜欢扔东西。不论她手边是什么东西，都可能向你飞过来。如果那东西易碎，我还得接住，再把它放好。如果掉地上碎了，那也是我的错，会被揍得更狠。假设她用花瓶砸我，我得接住，放好，然后再跑。在花瓶飞来那不到一秒的时间里，我得思考，值钱吗？值钱。会碎吗？会碎。接住，放好，快跑。
We had a very Tom and Jerry relationship, me and my mom. She was the strict disciplinarian; I was naughty as shit. She would send me out to buy groceries, and I wouldn’t come right home because I’d be using the change from the milk and bread to play arcade games at the supermarket. I loved videogames. I was a master at Street Fighter. I could go forever on a single play. I’d drop a coin in, time would fly, and the next thing I knew there’d be a woman behind me with a belt. It was a race. I’d take off out the door and through the dusty streets of Eden Park, clambering over walls, ducking through backyards. It was a normal thing in our neighborhood. Everybody knew: That Trevor child would come through like a bat out of hell, and his mom would be right there behind him. She could go at a full sprint in high heels, but if she really wanted to come after me she had this thing where she’d kick her shoes off while still going at top speed. She’d do this weird move with her ankles and the heels would go flying and she wouldn’t even miss a step. That’s when I knew, Okay, she’s in turbo mode now.
我妈和我的关系很像猫和老鼠。她非常严厉，而我则调皮至极。如果她让我出去买东西，买完我肯定不会回家，因为我要用买面包牛奶剩下的零钱去玩超市里的游戏机。我喜欢打电游。我是打《街头霸王》的高手。一盘游戏我能打很久。我往游戏机里投下一个硬币，时间飞逝，不知不觉，我身后已经站了一个拿着皮带的女人。追逐战开始了。我夺门而出，穿过伊登公园尘土飞扬的街道，翻过围墙，躲进某家人的后院。这在我住的地方是司空见惯的事，所有人都知道，如果那个叫特雷弗的小子从面前闪电般冲过，那他妈妈肯定正在后面紧追不舍。她能踩着高跟鞋飞奔，但如果她真想追上我，她会随时把鞋踢掉然后全力冲刺。她跑起来的姿势很怪，脚踝和脚后跟简直飞离地面但同时又不落下每一步。这时我就会明白，好吧，她进入极速模式了。
The last thing I wanted to do that Sunday morning was climb into some crowded minibus, but the second I heard my mom say sun’qhela I knew my fate was sealed. She gathered up Andrew and we climbed out of the Volkswagen and went out to try to catch a ride.
在那个周日早晨，我最不想做的就是爬进人挤人的小巴，但当我听到我妈说萨柯拉的时候，我知道我的命运已经注定。她抱好安德鲁，我们从那辆甲壳虫车上下来，走去搭小巴。
When I was little she always caught me, but as I got older I got faster, and when speed failed her she’d use her wits. If I was about to get away she’d yell, “Stop! Thief!” She’d do this to her own child. In South Africa, nobody gets involved in other people’s business — unless it’s mob justice, and then everybody wants in. So she’d yell “Thief!” knowing it would bring the whole neighborhood out against me, and then I’d have strangers trying to grab me and tackle me, and I’d have to duck and dive and dodge them as well, all the while screaming, “I’m not a thief! I’m her son!”
我还小的时候，她总能抓得住我，但当我渐渐长大，跑得也越来越快。等她速度跟不上我的时候，就转而开始使用智慧。如果我快跑远了，她就会喊：“站住！抓贼啊！”她就是这么对自己亲儿子的。在南非，没人愿意管其他人的闲事，除非是暴民正义，那样所有人都会来帮忙。她知道自己那一句“抓贼啊”能够将左邻右里都喊出来对付我，我就得同时灵活闪避一大群人，不断地大叫：“我不是贼！我是她儿子！”
I was five years old, nearly six, when Nelson Mandela was released from prison. I remember seeing it on TV and everyone being happy. I didn’t know why we were happy, just that we were. I was aware of the fact that there was a thing called apartheid and it was ending and that was a big deal, but I didn’t understand the intricacies of it.
无纳尔逊·曼德拉出狱那年，我五岁，差不多快六岁了。我记得在电视上目睹了这件大事，所有人都欢欣雀跃。我并不理解为什么我们会高兴，但我们就是高兴。我注意到，一种叫种族隔离的事要被终结了，而那是件大事，只是我并不理解其中的错综复杂。
As the apartheid regime fell, we knew that the black man was now going to rule. The question was, which black man? Spates of violence broke out between the Inkatha Freedom Party and the ANC, the African National Congress, as they jockeyed for power. The political dynamic between these two groups was very complicated, but the simplest way to understand it is as a proxy war between Zulu and Xhosa. The Inkatha was predominantly Zulu, very militant and very nationalistic. The ANC was a broad coalition encompassing many different tribes, but its leaders at the time were primarily Xhosa. Instead of uniting for peace they turned on one another, committing acts of unbelievable savagery. Massive riots broke out. Thousands of people were killed. Necklacing was common. That’s where people would hold someone down and put a rubber tire over his torso, pinning his arms. Then they’d douse him with petrol and set him on fire and burn him alive. The ANC did it to Inkatha. Inkatha did it to the ANC. I saw one of those charred bodies on the side of the road one day on my way to school. In the evenings my mom and I would turn on our little black-and-white TV and watch the news. A dozen people killed. Fifty people killed. A hundred people killed.
当种族隔离制度废止后，我们了解到，黑人终于可以开始治理这个国家了。问题是，该由哪位黑人领袖接手？因卡塔自由党和非洲国民大会之间发生了无数的暴力冲突。这两大党派的政治斗争很复杂，但有一个很简单的方式去理解，可以把它当成是祖鲁人和科萨人之间的战争。因卡塔自由党主要由祖鲁人组成，是激进的民族主义者。非洲国民大会则是由许多部落组成的联盟，当时的领导阶层主要是科萨人。他们并没有寻求和平的相处模式，反而针锋相对，极尽野蛮对抗之能事。大规模的动乱爆发。上千人被杀。火项链刑非常普遍。这种刑罚指的是在人胸前套一个轮胎，定住他的手臂，然后把汽油泼在他身上，点火，把他活活烧死。非洲国民大会的人会对因卡塔自由党的人做这种事。因卡塔自由党的人也会对非洲国民大会的人做这种事。有一天的上学路上，我就看到了一具已经烧成黑炭的尸体躺在路边。每天晚上，我妈和我都会守在我们家那台小小的黑白电视机前看新闻。一打（十二个）人被杀。五十个人被杀。一百个人被杀。
What I do remember, what I will never forget, is the violence that followed. The triumph of democracy over apartheid is sometimes called the Bloodless Revolution. It is called that because very little white blood was spilled. Black blood ran in the streets.
我记得且永不会忘记的，是紧随其后的暴乱。民主战胜种族隔离的过程被称为不流血的革命。之所以叫这个名字，是因为在这场革命中，白人没怎么流血受伤。但是革命之后，街道上淌满了黑人的血。
Whenever the riots broke out, all our neighbors would wisely hole up behind closed doors. But not my mom. She’d head straight out, and as we’d inch our way past the blockades, she’d give the rioters this look. Let me pass. I’m not involved in this shit. She was unwavering in the face of danger. That always amazed me. It didn’t matter that there was a war on our doorstep. She had things to do, places to be. It was the same stubbornness that kept her going to church despite a broken-down car. There could be five hundred rioters with a blockade of burning tires on the main road out of Eden Park, and my mother would say, “Get dressed. I’ve got to go to work. You’ve got to go to school.”
每当有暴乱发生，所有的邻居都会很识时务地将门关好，躲在家中。但我妈不会。她还是正常出门。我们从路障中间经过时，她会给骚乱者这样一个眼神：让我过去，我和这些破事儿一点关系没有。她从来都临危不惧。让我最惊叹的地方就是这一点。不管我们家门口是不是在打仗，她都有必须要做的事、要去的地方。正是这样的固执，使她在车子坏了的情况下还要坚持去教堂。哪怕伊登公园外面有五百个暴徒正在烧轮胎、设路障，我母亲也会说：“穿衣服。我要去上班。你得去学校。”
Eden Park sat not far from the sprawling townships of the East Rand, Thokoza and Katlehong, which were the sites of some of the most horrific Inkatha-ANC clashes. Once a month at least we’d drive home and the neighborhood would be on fire. Hundreds of rioters in the street. My mom would edge the car slowly through the crowds and around blockades made of flaming tires. Nothing burns like a tire — it rages with a fury you can’t imagine. As we drove past the burning blockades, it felt like we were inside an oven. I used to say to my mom, “I think Satan burns tires in Hell.”
伊登公园的位置紧挨着东兰特镇、特克萨镇和卡托洪镇，这几个地方是因卡塔自由党和非洲国民大会之间冲突暴乱最集中的所在。每月至少都会有一次，我们在回家的途中，经常看到街区燃起了熊熊大火。街上有成百名暴徒。我妈会缓缓地开着车从人群中间蹭过去，绕过用燃烧的轮胎制作的路障。没什么东西烧起来能像轮胎那样——狂暴的火焰直冲天际，你简直无法想象。当我们开车绕过那些燃烧的路障，就好像我们身处烤箱之中。我曾对我妈妈说：“我觉得撒旦就在地狱里烧轮胎。”
“But aren’t you afraid?” I’d say. “There’s only one of you and there’s so many of them.”
“可是你不害怕吗？”我会说，“你就一个人，他们那么多人。”
That carless Sunday we made our circuit of churches, ending up, as usual, at white church. When we walked out of Rosebank Union it was dark and we were alone. It had been an endless day of minibuses from mixed church to black church to white church, and I was exhausted. It was nine o’clock at least. In those days, with all the violence and riots going on, you did not want to be out that late at night. We were standing at the corner of Jellicoe Avenue and Oxford Road, right in the heart of Johannesburg’s wealthy, white suburbia, and there were no minibuses. The streets were empty.
那个没有车的星期天，我们依旧在各个教堂之间穿梭，和以前一样，在白人教堂结束了一整天的礼拜。我们走出玫瑰岸教会的时候，天色已晚，路上只有我们几个人。这一天我们都是在小巴上折腾，从混合教堂到黑人教堂到白人教堂，我要累死了。那会儿已经是晚上九点多了。那段日子并不太平，外面到处都是危险，晚上最好不要出门。我们站在杰里科大道和牛津路的交叉口，正处于约翰内斯堡郊外一个富有白人社区的中心地带，没有小巴，路上空荡荡的。
“Well, it would be nice if we could see them,” I’d say. “Because I don’t think the rioters know they’re there.”
“好吧，如果我们能看到他们就好了，”我会说，“因为我觉得那些暴徒可不知道他们在那儿。”
She’d tell me not to worry. She always came back to the phrase she lived by: “If God is with me, who can be against me?” She was never scared. Even when she should have been.
她会告诉我不要担心，她总是说这句话。“如果上帝和我在一起，谁还能对我不利？”她从来不害怕。即使在她应该害怕的时候，她也不害怕。
“Honey, I’m not alone,” she’d say. “I’ve got all of Heaven’s angels behind me.”
“宝贝，我不是一个人。”她会说，“我有天使在我身后。”
I so badly wanted to turn to my mom and say, “You see? This is why God wanted us to stay home.” But one look at the expression on her face, and I knew better than to speak. There were times I could talk smack to my mom — this was not one of them.
我好想直接跟我妈说：“你看？这就是上帝要我们待在家里的原因。”但是我看到她脸上的表情后，知道还是不要开口比较好。我知道什么时候能跟我妈顶嘴，而现在不是那种时候。
We waited and waited for a minibus to come by. Under apartheid the government provided no public transportation for blacks, but white people still needed us to show up to mop their floors and clean their bathrooms. Necessity being the mother of invention, black people created their own transit system, an informal network of bus routes, controlled by private associations operating entirely outside the law. Because the minibus business was completely unregulated, it was basically organized crime. Different groups ran different routes, and they would fight over who controlled what. There was bribery and general shadiness that went on, a great deal of violence, and a lot of protection money paid to avoid violence. The one thing you didn’t do was steal a route from a rival group. Drivers who stole routes would get killed. Being unregulated, minibuses were also very unreliable. When they came, they came. When they didn’t, they didn’t.
我们等小巴等了很久。在种族隔离制度之下，政府不允许黑人乘坐公共交通，但白人依旧需要黑人来家里擦地板、打扫厕所。有需求，就有市场，黑人创造了自己的交通系统，规划了非正规的民间巴士线路，在法律规范之外，由私人公司承运。小巴生意完全不受任何约束，几乎等同于有组织的犯罪集团。不同的帮会负责不同的线路，因此常常会为了争夺管辖范围而大打出手。这里面充斥着贿赂与暧昧的交易、无数的暴力，以及无数为了避免暴力而上交的保护费。你绝对不能去偷属于对手管辖的小巴路线。偷抢别人线路的司机都会被杀。由于不受制约，这类小巴通常都很不靠谱。来，就来了，不来，也就不来了。
Standing outside Rosebank Union, I was literally falling asleep on my feet. Not a minibus in sight. Eventually my mother said, “Let’s hitchhike.” We walked and walked, and after what felt like an eternity, a car drove up and stopped. The driver offered us a ride, and we climbed in. We hadn’t gone ten feet when suddenly a minibus swerved right in front of the car and cut us off.
站在玫瑰岸教堂的外面，我几乎都快睡着了。看不到一辆小巴，我母亲终于说：“我们试着搭顺风车吧。”我们走呀走呀，感觉几乎走了一辈子，最后总算有一辆车经过，并且停了下来。司机答应载我们一程，我们上了他的车。上车还没开出三米远，一辆小巴就猛地从右边转到车前，把我们拦了下来。
It looked like they were going to kill this guy. I knew that happened sometimes. My mom spoke up. “Hey, listen, he was just helping me. Leave him. We’ll ride with you. That’s what we wanted in the first place.” So we got out of the first car and climbed into the minibus.
看起来他们是要杀了我们的司机。我知道这种事经常发生。这时我母亲开口了：“嘿，听好了。他只是在帮我个忙。放过他吧。我们上你们的车。我们本来就是在等你们的车。”所以我们下了车，爬进了那辆小巴。
A Zulu driver got out with an iwisa, a large, traditional Zulu weapon — a war club, basically. They’re used to smash people’s skulls in. Another guy, his crony, got out of the passenger side. They walked up to the driver’s side of the car we were in, grabbed the man who’d offered us a ride, pulled him out, and started shoving their clubs in his face. “Why are you stealing our customers? Why are you picking people up?”
那辆小巴上的司机走下车，手上还拿着一个伊维萨，一种巨大的传统祖鲁武器——差不多就是个粗棍棒。祖鲁人会用这个打碎敌人的头骨。另一个人也从副驾位置上走了下来。两人走到我们那位司机的座位旁边，把他从车上拖下去，然后用棍子朝着他的脸就是一顿猛敲。“你为什么偷我们的乘客？你为什么要载他们？”
My mom kept telling him off and he kept calling her names, yelling at her from the front seat, wagging his finger in the rearview mirror and growing more and more menacing until finally he said, “That’s the problem with you Xhosa women. You’re all sluts — and tonight you’re going to learn your lesson.”
我妈一直让他闭嘴别说了，但他一直骂骂咧咧，坐在前排冲她大吼，在后视镜里对我们比手指，样子越来越吓人，然后他说：“这就是你们科萨女人的问题了。你们都是婊子——今天晚上你就该受点儿教训了。”
We were the only passengers in the minibus. In addition to being violent gangsters, South African minibus drivers are notorious for complaining and haranguing passengers as they drive. This driver was a particularly angry one. As we rode along, he started lecturing my mother about being in a car with a man who was not her husband. My mother didn’t suffer lectures from strange men. She told him to mind his own business, and when he heard her speaking in Xhosa, that really set him off. The stereotypes of Zulu and Xhosa women were as ingrained as those of the men. Zulu women were well-behaved and dutiful. Xhosa women were promiscuous and unfaithful. And here was my mother, his tribal enemy, a Xhosa woman alone with two small children — one of them a mixed child, no less. Not just a whore but a whore who sleeps with white men. “Oh, you’re a Xhosa,” he said. “That explains it. Climbing into strange men’s cars. Disgusting woman.”
我们是小巴上唯一的乘客。除了是暴力黑帮以外，南非的小巴司机还有个臭名昭著的习惯，就是喜欢一边开车，一边对乘客滔滔不绝地评头论足。我们遇到的这个司机格外暴躁。他不仅在生气，还是个祖鲁人。在开车途中，他开始教育我母亲，说她居然会上一个不是她丈夫的男人开的车。我妈不喜欢被陌生男人教育，跟他说让他管好自己的事就行了。但他听到我母亲对我们说科萨语时，真正被激怒了。和男人一样，祖鲁女人和科萨女人也被看成两种极端的典型。祖鲁女人行为端正又守本分。科萨女人生活混乱且不忠。现在，他的部落敌人——我妈妈，一个科萨女人，就在他旁边坐着，还带着两个孩子——其中一个还是混血儿。不仅仅是个贱货，还是个和白人睡过的贱货。“哦，你是个科萨，”他说，“这就好解释了。上陌生男人的车。恶心的女人。”
“Really, it’s fine. We can just walk –“
“真的，没事的。我们可以走回——”
“I’m sorry if we’ve upset you, bhuti. You can just let us out here –“
“很抱歉我们惹你生气了，师傅。我们可以就在这儿下车——”
“No.”
“不行。”
“No.”
“不行。”
He sped off. He was driving fast, and he wasn’t stopping, only slowing down to check for traffic at the intersections before speeding through. Death was never far away from anybody back then. At that point my mother could be raped. We could be killed. These were all viable options. I didn’t fully comprehend the danger we were in at the moment; I was so tired that I just wanted to sleep. Plus my mom stayed very calm. She didn’t panic, so I didn’t know to panic. She just kept trying to reason with him.
他开始加速。车子开得飞快，完全不停，只会在十字路口稍稍减速，看有没有两边来车，就全速前进。死亡从未离我们如此之近。在那个节骨眼上，她很可能会被强奸，而我们很可能会被杀掉。这些都很有可能发生。但是，我还没有完全理解清楚那一刻我们有多危险，我太累了，只想睡觉。而且我妈妈非常镇静，她没有惊慌，所以我也没有慌。她还在试图和他讲道理。
He raced along Oxford Road, the lanes empty, no other cars out. I was sitting closest to the minibus’s sliding door. My mother sat next to me, holding baby Andrew. She looked out the window at the passing road and then leaned over to me and whispered, “Trevor, when he slows down at the next intersection, I’m going to open the door and we’re going to jump.”
他沿着牛津路一路狂奔，整条路上空荡荡的，没有别的车经过。我就坐在小巴的侧拉门旁边。我母亲坐在我旁边，抱着安德鲁。她望向窗外，向我靠过来，轻声说：“特雷弗，他在下个路口减速的时候，我会拉开门，我们要跳车。”
I didn’t hear a word of what she was saying, because by that point I’d completely nodded off. When we came to the next traffic light, the driver eased off the gas a bit to look around and check the road. My mother reached over, pulled the sliding door open, grabbed me, and threw me out as far as she could. Then she took Andrew, curled herself in a ball around him, and leaped out behind me.
其实她说的话我一个字也没听见，那时我正在打盹儿。当我们靠近路口时，司机稍微松开油门，开始查看左右两侧的路。我妈靠过来，拉开侧门，抓住我，用她最大的力气把我丢了出去。然后她抓起安德鲁，将他环抱在怀里，紧跟着我跳了下来。
It felt like a dream until the pain hit. Bam! I smacked hard on the pavement. My mother landed right beside me and we tumbled and tumbled and rolled and rolled. I was wide awake now. I went from half asleep to What the hell?! Eventually I came to a stop and pulled myself up, completely disoriented. I looked around and saw my mother, already on her feet. She turned and looked at me and screamed.
一切好像一场梦，直到疼痛袭来。砰！我直接趴在了人行道上。我妈摔在我的右边，然后我们一路滚啊滚啊滚啊滚啊。这时我已全醒了。我从睡眼蒙眬的状态一下子转变为“什么鬼？！”。终于停下来后，我爬起来，但已经完全失去了方向感。我看看四周，发现我妈也站起来了。她向我转过来，冲着我大声尖叫。
“Run!”
“跑啊！”
It’s weird to explain, but I just knew what to do. It was animal instinct, learned in a world where violence was always lurking and waiting to erupt. In the townships, when the police came swooping in with their riot gear and armored cars and helicopters, I knew: Run for cover. Run and hide. I knew that as a five-year-old. Had I lived a different life, getting thrown out of a speeding minibus might have fazed me. I’d have stood there like an idiot, going, “What’s happening, Mom? Why are my legs so sore?” But there was none of that. Mom said “run,” and I ran. Like the gazelle runs from the lion, I ran.
解释起来很难，但我就是知道该做什么。这是动物本能，这是我从一个危机四伏、随时可能爆发灾祸的世界学到的东西。在镇上，当警察带着他们的防爆武器、装甲车和直升机蜂拥而至的时候，我就知道：跑去找掩护，跑去躲起来。我五岁就知道这些了。如果我此前的人生不是那样过的，那么从小巴里被丢出来这件事可能会困扰到我。我可能会像个傻子那样站在原地，说：“发生什么了，妈妈？为什么我的腿这么酸啊？”但我不是这样的人。我妈说“跑”，我就跑。我跑得就像逃离狮口的羚羊。
So I ran, and she ran, and nobody ran like me and my mom.
于是我跑了起来，她也跑了起来，没人能比我和我妈跑得还快。
I still didn’t know why any of this had happened; I’d been running on pure adrenaline. Once we stopped running I realized how much pain I was in. I looked down, and the skin on my arms was scraped and torn. I was cut up and bleeding all over. Mom was, too. My baby brother was fine, though, incredibly. My mom had wrapped herself around him, and he’d come through without a scratch. I turned to her in shock.
我还是不知道到底发生了什么，完全是依靠肾上腺素在跑。等我们停下的时候，我才注意到身上有多疼。我往下一看，胳膊上的皮擦伤了，全身都是伤口，到处都在流血。我妈妈也是这个情形，但是小弟弟安德鲁倒是毫发无伤。我妈妈将他包裹得很严实，他身上一处擦伤都没有。我震惊地看向我妈。
“What was that?! Why are we running?!”
“刚那是什么情况？！为什么我们要跑？！”
The men stopped the minibus and got out and tried to chase us, but they didn’t stand a chance. We smoked them. I think they were in shock. I still remember glancing back and seeing them give up with a look of utter bewilderment on their faces. What just happened? Who’d have thought a woman with two small children could run so fast? They didn’t know they were dealing with the reigning champs of the Maryvale College sports day. We kept going and going until we made it to a twenty-four-hour petrol station and called the police. By then the men were long gone.
小巴里的人停下车，跑出来追我们，但是他们追不上了，我们把他们甩得远远的。我想他们应该很震惊吧。我仍然记得自己当时回头看了一眼，发现他们的脸上露着一种极其迷惑的表情。发生了什么？一个妇女带着两个小孩怎么能跑得这么快？他们哪知道他们面对的是玛丽威尔学院运动会的蝉联冠军。我们跑啊跑啊，一直跑到一家二十四小时加油站，在那里报了警。但那时，小巴车已经早没影儿了。
“What do you mean, ‘Why are we running?’ Those men were trying to kill us.”
“什么叫‘为什么我们要跑’？那几个男的差点儿杀了我们。”
“No, Mom! This was not thanks to God! You should have listened to God when he told us to stay at home when the car wouldn’t start, because clearly the Devil tricked us into coming out tonight.”
“不，妈妈！这不该感谢上帝！你应该听上帝的话，车子发动不了，就是他跟我们说要待在家里，很明显，今晚发生的事是恶魔诱惑我们出门的诡计。”
“At least they would have woken me up before they killed me.”
“起码他们杀我之前会把我叫醒吧。”
“Jump?! I was asleep!”
“跳车？！我在睡觉啊！”
And on and on and there we were, back at it, arguing about God’s will. Finally I said, “Look, Mom. I know you love Jesus, but maybe next week you could ask him to meet us at our house. Because this really wasn’t a fun night.”
说来说去我们又绕回到这个主题上了，讨论上帝的意志到底是什么。最后我说：“妈妈你看。我知道你爱耶稣，但也许你可以问问他，下周要不要来家里见我们。因为今晚的事真的一点儿都不好玩。”
As we caught our breath and waited for the police to come and drive us home, she said, “Well, at least we’re safe, thank God.”
直到我们的呼吸渐渐平和下来，警察过来载我们回家后，她才说：“好吧，至少我们安全了，感谢上帝。”
“So I should have left you there for them to kill you?”
“所以我应该把你留在那儿，让他们杀了你？”
“You never told me that! You just threw me out of the car!”
“你没告诉我啊！就直接把我从车里丢了出来！”
But I was nine years old and I knew better. I wasn’t going to keep quiet this time.
但是我已经九岁了，我明白得多了。这次我再不会保持沉默。
“I did tell you. Why didn’t you jump?”
“我告诉你了。你为什么不跳车？”
“No, Trevor! That’s not how the Devil works. This is part of God’s plan, and if He wanted us here then He had a reason…”
“不，特雷弗！这不是恶魔的诡计。这也是上帝计划的一部分，如果他想让我们经历这一切，一定有他的原因…”
Back and forth we went. I was too confused and too angry about getting thrown out of the car to realize what had happened. My mother had saved my life.
我们就这样你一言我一语地互呛。因为自己从车上被丢下来的事，我太迷惑也太生气了，所以我完全没有意识到到底发生了什么——我妈刚救了我的命。
The British abolished slavery in name but kept it in practice. They did so because, in the mid-1800s, in what had been written off as a near-worthless way station on the route to the Far East, a few lucky capitalists stumbled upon the richest gold and diamond reserves in the world, and an endless supply of expendable bodies was needed to go in the ground and get it all out.
英国人在名义上废除了奴隶制，但是在实践中还保留着。这是因为19世纪中期，在这个被看作是前往远东征程上的一个没有什么价值的歇脚点上，几个幸运的资本家偶然发现了世界上最大的金矿和钻石矿，于是他们需要可以牺牲的人类劳动力源源不绝地到地底下把金子和钻石挖出来。
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Apartheid was perfect racism. It took centuries to develop, starting all the way back in 1652 when the Dutch East India Company landed at the Cape of Good Hope and established a trading colony, Kaapstad, later known as Cape Town, a rest stop for ships traveling between Europe and India. To impose white rule, the Dutch colonists went to war with the natives, ultimately developing a set of laws to subjugate and enslave them. When the British took over the Cape Colony, the descendants of the original Dutch settlers trekked inland and developed their own language, culture, and customs, eventually becoming their own people, the Afrikaners — the white tribe of Africa.
种族隔离是种族主义的完美形态，经过了几个世纪的进化才得以成形。1652年，荷兰的东印度公司在好望角登陆，建立了一个贸易殖民地，名为科普斯塔德——也就是后来的开普敦——这里成了来往于欧洲与印度的船只歇脚的地方。为了推行白人统治，荷兰殖民者与本地原住民展开了战争，最终立下了一系列法条，征服并奴役了当地的土著。英国人接管了开普殖民地后，荷兰登陆者的后裔们便迁往内陆，并且发展出了他们自己的语言、文化、风俗，最终成为了独立的民族：南非白人——非洲的白人部落。
She broke out in a huge smile and started laughing. I started laughing, too, and we stood there, this little boy and his mom, our arms and legs covered in blood and dirt, laughing together through the pain in the light of a petrol station on the side of the road in the middle of the night.
她脸上露出一个大大的笑容，开始放声大笑。我也笑了起来。午夜里，我们站在一起，一个小男孩和他的妈妈，两人的胳膊和腿上满是血污和土渍，罩在路对面加油站的微光中，忍着疼，一起大笑着。
Apartheid was a police state, a system of surveillance and laws designed to keep black people under total control. A full compendium of those laws would run more than three thousand pages and weigh approximately ten pounds, but the general thrust of it should be easy enough for any American to understand. In America you had the forced removal of the native onto reservations coupled with slavery followed by segregation. Imagine all three of those things happening to the same group of people at the same time. That was apartheid.
种族隔离代表着一个警察国家，一个让黑人处于绝对控制下的各种法条和监视系统。若能将所有法条写下来堆到一起，那需要用掉三千多张纸，可重达五千克。但是南非种族隔离的精髓对美国人来说是非常容易理解的，在美国历史上，曾经发生过三件事：把原住民驱赶到保留地、黑人奴隶制、隔离制度。想象一下，这三件事在同一时间内发生在同一群人身上，那就是种族隔离。
As the British Empire fell, the Afrikaner rose up to claim South Africa as his rightful inheritance. To maintain power in the face of the country’s rising and restless black majority, the government realized they needed a newer and more robust set of tools. They set up a formal commission to go out and study institutionalized racism all over the world. They went to Australia. They went to the Netherlands. They went to America. They saw what worked, what didn’t. Then they came back and published a report, and the government used that knowledge to build the most advanced system of racial oppression known to man.
大英帝国衰落后，南非白人又崛起了，宣称他们才是南非的合法继承人。为了在这个国家那群不安分的黑人群体面前巩固自己的权力地位，统治阶级意识到他们需要一套更加新颖且强力的手段。他们派出了一支队伍，周游世界，学习各种成熟的种族主义执行技巧。他们去过澳大利亚。他们去过荷兰。他们去过美国。他们看到了什么行得通，什么行不通。然后他们凯旋，写了一份报告。政府利用这些知识，建立起了人类历史上最先进的种族压迫系统。
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