第十一章: 局外人 Outsider
After finishing primary school at H. A. Jack, I started grade eight at Sandringham High School. Even after apartheid, most black people still lived in the townships and the areas formerly designated as homelands, where the only available government schools were the broken remnants of the Bantu system. Wealthy white kids — along with the few black people and colored people and Indians who had money or could get scholarships — were holed up in private schools, which were super-expensive but virtually guaranteed entry into university. Sandringham was what we call a Model C school, which meant it was a mix of government and private, similar to charter schools in America. The place was huge, a thousand kids on sprawling grounds with tennis courts, sports fields, and a swimming pool.
从H.A。杰克小学毕业以后，我去了桑德林汉姆高中读八年级。种族隔离结束后，大多数黑人依然住在镇上或者之前划定的黑人家园里，在那里你能选择的公立学校就只有以前留下的班图学校。而有钱的白人小孩，还有一些家里有钱或拿到奖学金的黑人、有色人种及印度小孩，则会去上私立学校，这种学校超级贵，但是能保证学生都考上大学。桑德林汉姆高中是那种我们口中的C型学校，意思是公立私立混合学校，类似于美国的特许学校[6]。这个学校很大，有一千多名学生，宽阔的校园广场里包含网球场、运动场和游泳池。
Being a Model C school and not a government school, Sandringham drew kids from all over, making it a near-perfect microcosm of post-apartheid South Africa as a whole — a perfect example of what South Africa has the potential to be. We had rich white kids, a bunch of middle-class white kids, and some working-class white kids. We had black kids who were newly rich, black kids who were middle-class, and black kids from the townships. We had colored kids and Indian kids, and even a handful of Chinese kids, too. The pupils were as integrated as they could be given that apartheid had just ended. At H. A. Jack, race was broken up into blocks. Sandringham was more like a spectrum.
身为C型学校，而非公立学校，桑德林汉姆吸引了各种各样的学生，制造出一个近乎完美的小宇宙，模拟了后种族隔离时代的南非形态——成了展示南非未来样貌的绝佳范例。这里有家庭富裕的白人小孩、中产阶级家庭背景的白人小孩和来自工人阶级背景的白人小孩。这里也有刚刚富裕起来的黑人小孩、中产阶级家庭背景的黑人小孩，还有来自小镇的黑人小孩。这里也有有色人种小孩，印度小孩，甚至还有不少中国小孩。既然种族隔离结束了，这些小孩便尽情地融合到了一起。在H.A。杰克小学，不同的种族会分隔成不同的小团体。而在桑德林汉姆，这里的人种混合则更像是光谱，多种多样。
South African schools don’t have cafeterias. At Sandringham we’d buy our lunch at what we call the tuck shop, a little canteen, and then have free rein to go wherever we wanted on the school grounds to eat — the quad, the courtyard, the playground, wherever. Kids would break off and cluster into their cliques and groups. People were still grouped by color in most cases, but you could see how they all blended and shaded into one another. The kids who played soccer were mostly black. The kids who played tennis were mostly white. The kids who played cricket were a mix. The Chinese kids would hang out next to the prefab buildings. The matrics, what South Africans call seniors, would hang out on the quad. The popular, pretty girls would hang out over here, and computer geeks would hang out over there. To the extent that the groupings were racial, it was because of the ways race overlapped class and geography out in the real world. Suburban kids hung out with suburban kids. Township kids hung out with township kids.
南非的学校一般都没有餐厅。在桑德林汉姆，我们在小卖部里买午饭，然后可以自由活动，把午饭随便带到什么地方去吃——院子里，天井里，操场上，哪里都可以。小孩子们会四散开来，找自己的小团体聚在一起。大部分时候，人们依然还是根据肤色来分组，但是你能看出肤色的界限在变得模糊，各个分组的边缘地带会逐渐稀释并相互融合。踢足球的大部分是黑人小孩，打网球的基本上都是白人，打板球的则各个肤色的都有。中国小孩喜欢在预制楼附近玩。高年级的孩子会在院子里玩。受欢迎的漂亮姑娘们在这边玩，打电脑的男孩子们会在那边玩。如果说这种分组依然主要以种族来区分的话，那是因为在现实世界中的种族差别还覆盖了阶级与地理位置。郊区的孩子会和郊区的孩子玩，小镇的孩子会和小镇的孩子玩。
At break, as the only mixed kid out of a thousand, I faced the same predicament I had on the playground at H. A. Jack: Where was I supposed to go? Even with so many different groups to choose from, I wasn’t a natural constituent of any particular one. I obviously wasn’t Indian or Chinese. The colored kids would shit on me all the time for being too black. So I wasn’t welcome there. As always, I was adept enough with white kids not to get bullied by them, but the white kids were always going shopping, going to the movies, going on trips — things that required money. We didn’t have any money, so I was out of the mix there, too. The group I felt the most affinity for was the poor black kids. I hung out with them and got along with them, but most of them took minibuses to school from way out in the townships, from Soweto, from Tembisa, from Alexandra. They rode to school as friends and went home as friends. They had their own groups. Weekends and school holidays, they were hanging out with one another and I couldn’t visit. Soweto was a forty-minute drive from my house. We didn’t have money for petrol. After school I was on my own. Weekends I was on my own. Ever the outsider, I created my own strange little world. I did it out of necessity. I needed a way to fit in. I also needed money, a way to buy the same snacks and do the things that the other kids were doing. Which is how I became the tuck-shop guy.
在休息的时候，作为上千名学生中唯一一个混血小孩，我又面临了在H.A。杰克小学操场上曾经出现过的窘况：我该去哪儿？尽管有这么多不同的小群体供我选择，但我天生不属于他们中的任何一个。很显然我不是印度人，也不是中国人。有色人种小孩因为觉得我过于像黑人而一直欺负我，所以我也不可能参加他们的小团体。一直以来，我都和白人小孩相处得不错，不会被他们欺负，但是白人小孩总是去逛商店、看电影、去旅游——都是需要花钱的活动。我没有钱，所以我也不能参与他们的小团体。唯一让我觉得亲切的群体是贫穷的黑人小孩，我和他们厮混在一起，玩得很好。不过，他们大多数都是从不同的小镇乘坐小巴来上学，有从索韦托来的，从坦比萨来的，还有从亚历山德拉来的。他们一伙人一起上学，一起回家，他们有自己的小圈子。到了周末和学校放假的时候，他们也会互相约着出去玩，但我就没法参与了。索韦托离我住的地方有40分钟的车程。我们付不起汽油钱。放学后我就自己一个人待着。周末我也是一个人。身为局外人，我创造了一个属于自己的奇怪小世界。我是出于必要才这么做的，我需要一个方法融入他们，同时我还需要钱，我需要和他们买一样的零食，做他们在做的事，于是，我变成了小卖部男孩。
Thanks to my long walk to school, I was late every single day. I’d have to stop off in the prefect’s office to write my name down for detention. I was the patron saint of detention. Already late, I’d run to join my morning classes — math, English, biology, whatever. The last period before break was assembly. The pupils would come together in the assembly hall, each grade seated row by row, and the teachers and the prefects would get up onstage and go over the business of what was happening in the school — announcements, awards, that sort of thing. The names of the kids with detention were announced at every assembly, and I was always one of them. Always. Every single day. It was a running joke. The prefect would say, “Detentions for today…” and I would stand up automatically. It was like the Oscars and I was Meryl Streep. There was one time I stood up and then the prefect named the five people and I wasn’t one of them. Everyone burst out laughing. Somebody yelled out, “Where’s Trevor?!” The prefect looked at the paper and shook his head. “Nope.” The entire hall erupted with cheers and applause. “Yay!!!!”
由于每天走很远的路上学，所以我每天都迟到，迟到了要去级长办公室的留校簿上写下我的名字。我简直就是留校之王。迟到之后，我还是要跑去上早晨的课——数学、英语、生物或其他。午休之前最后的活动就是开大会。学生们会聚集到礼堂，按照年级顺序排排坐好，老师和级长会上台，宣读学校的各项事宜——公告啦，奖项啦，诸如此类的事情。每次开大会的固定环节，就是把留校学生的名字念一遍，而里面总会有我的名字。总会有。每天都有。这已经成了一个反复出现的笑话梗。级长刚说“今天要被留校的是…”我就会自动站起来。就好像这是奥斯卡颁奖礼，而我就是梅丽尔·斯特里普。有一次我先站起来了，级长念了五个人的名字，里面却没有我，结果所有人都大笑起来。有人喊道：“特雷弗的名字去哪儿了？！”级长看了看手中的纸，摇了摇头说：“没有。”整个礼堂爆发出欢呼和掌声：“耶！！！”
Then, immediately after assembly, there would be a race to the tuck shop because the queue to buy food was so long. Every minute you spent in the queue was working against your break time. The sooner you got your food, the longer you had to eat, play a game of soccer, or hang out. Also, if you got there late, the best food was gone.
散会后，就是以小卖部为终点的赛跑了。因为买午饭的队伍实在是太长了，而你在排队上每多花一分钟，你的午休时间就会相应缩短。你越快买到，可以享受食物的时间就越长，还可以踢一局足球，或者和朋友玩。当然，如果你到得太晚，最好吃的食物也卖完了。
Two things were true about me at that age. One, I was still the fastest kid in school. And two, I had no pride. The second we were dismissed from assembly I would run like a bat out of hell to the tuck shop so I could be the first one there. I was always first in line. I became notorious for being that guy, so much so that people started coming up to me in line. “Hey, can you buy this for me?” Which would piss off the kids behind me because it was basically cutting the line. So people started approaching me during assembly. They’d say, “Hey, I’ve got ten rand. If you buy my food for me, I’ll give you two.” That’s when I learned: time is money. I realized people would pay me to buy their food because I was willing to run for it. I started telling everyone at assembly, “Place your orders. Give me a list of what you want, give me a percentage of what you’re going to spend, and I’ll buy your food for you.”
那个年龄的我身上有两个特点，第一，我依然是学校里跑得最快的小孩；第二，我毫无自尊心。礼堂一散会，我就会以闪电般的速度冲向小卖部，这样我就能第一个到达。而我总是能排在第一个。我由此名声大噪，人们甚至开始排着队来求我帮忙。“嘿，你可以帮我买这个吗？”这样做往往会惹怒排在后面的小孩，因为这基本等同于插队了。所以后来同学会在礼堂开会的时候就来接近我，他们会说：“嘿，我有十兰特，如果你帮我买吃的，我就给你两兰特。”这让我学到了：时间就是金钱。我意识到，人们愿意付我钱，让我给他们买吃的，是因为我愿意冲刺去给他们买。于是我开始告知礼堂里的所有人：“提前下单。给我列出清单，你想吃什么，再列出你要付给我多少比例的劳务费，我就帮你们买吃的。”
I was an overnight success. Fat guys were my number-one customers. They loved food, but couldn’t run. I had all these rich, fat white kids who were like, “This is fantastic! My parents spoil me, I’ve got money, and now I’ve got a way I can get food without having to work for it — and I still get my break.” I had so many customers I was turning kids away. I had a rule: I would take five orders a day, high bidders only. I’d make so much that I could buy my lunch using other kids’ money and keep the lunch money my mom gave me for pocket cash. Then I could afford to catch a bus home instead of walking or save up to buy whatever. Every day I’d take orders, assembly would end, and I’d make my mad dash and buy everybody’s hot dogs and Cokes and muffins. If you paid me extra you could even tell me where you’d be and I’d deliver it to you.
我一夜成名。胖孩子是我的头等顾客。他们热爱食物，但跑不动。我身边有很多像这样有钱的白人胖小孩，他们会说：“这太棒了！我父母把我宠坏了，我有钱，现在我找到了一个方法，可以不用努力就吃到午饭，而且还不耽误午休。”由于顾客太多，我开始拒绝一些孩子的订单。我立了条规则：每天只接五单，以劳务费高的为先。我靠这个赚了很多钱，以至于我可以用其他小孩的钱来买午饭，把我妈给我的午餐钱留着当零花钱。很快，我就有钱搭公交车，不用再走路回家了，而且我还可以攒下钱来买想要的东西。每天我都接单，礼堂一散会，我就箭一般地冲出去，给大家买热狗、可乐和松饼。如果你付我更多劳务费，你甚至可以告诉我你的位置，我负责把午饭送到你手上。
I’d found my niche. Since I belonged to no group I learned to move seamlessly between groups. I floated. I was a chameleon, still, a cultural chameleon. I learned how to blend. I could play sports with the jocks. I could talk computers with the nerds. I could jump in the circle and dance with the township kids. I popped around to everyone, working, chatting, telling jokes, making deliveries.
我找到了我的位置。既然我不属于任何一个小圈子，那么我可以在不同的圈子之间游走。我还是一条变色龙，文化上的变色龙。我知道如何去融入。我可以和爱运动的小孩一起运动，和书呆子一起讨论电脑。我可以跳进人群里，和小镇男孩一起跳舞。我可以和每个人都产生短暂的交集，一起学习、聊天、讲笑话、送餐。
I was like a weed dealer, but of food. The weed guy is always welcome at the party. He’s not a part of the circle, but he’s invited into the circle temporarily because of what he can offer. That’s who I was. Always an outsider. As the outsider, you can retreat into a shell, be anonymous, be invisible. Or you can go the other way. You protect yourself by opening up. You don’t ask to be accepted for everything you are, just the one part of yourself that you’re willing to share. For me it was humor. I learned that even though I didn’t belong to one group, I could be a part of any group that was laughing. I’d drop in, pass out the snacks, tell a few jokes. I’d perform for them. I’d catch a bit of their conversation, learn more about their group, and then leave. I never overstayed my welcome. I wasn’t popular, but I wasn’t an outcast. I was everywhere with everybody, and at the same time I was all by myself.
我简直就像一个毒贩子，只不过贩卖的是食物。毒贩子在派对上总是很受欢迎的，他不是圈子里的一员，但总是临时被叫去参加圈子里的聚会，就因为他可以提供给大家一点儿什么东西。那就是我。我总是局外人。身为局外人，你可以缩进壳里，默默无闻，让别人看不到你，或者你可以走上另一条路。你通过敞开自己的方式，从而保护自己。你不用因为自己是谁而希望被某个小团体接纳，你只要愿意分享自己的一小部分就可以了。对我来说，那部分就是幽默。我了解到，即使我不属于任何一个小群体，但我可以融入所有正在开怀大笑的小团体里面。我会突然出现，分发零食，讲几个笑话。我可以取悦他们，参与他们的一小部分对话，了解一点儿他们的圈子，然后转身离开。我从来不会在哪个圈子里停留过久。我并不受欢迎，但我也不会被排斥。我可以在任何地方，和任何人打交道，与此同时，我又完全是孤单一人。
I don’t regret anything I’ve ever done in life, any choice that I’ve made. But I’m consumed with regret for the things I didn’t do, the choices I didn’t make, the things I didn’t say. We spend so much time being afraid of failure, afraid of rejection. But regret is the thing we should fear most. Failure is an answer. Rejection is an answer. Regret is an eternal question you will never have the answer to. “What if…” “If only…” “I wonder what would have…” You will never, never know, and it will haunt you for the rest of your days.
对于我生命中做过的每一件事，每一个选择，我都不后悔。但我常常为之感到后悔的是那些我没做过的事、没选的那个选项。我们大部分时间都在害怕失败，害怕拒绝。但是后悔才是我们最该害怕的事。失败是一种答案。拒绝也是一种答案。但后悔却是你永远得不到答案的永恒问题。“要是我当初…”“如果我那样选了…”“不知道如果走了那条路会怎样…”你永远，永远都不会知道答案，而且这些疑问会纠缠你一辈子。
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