第十八章: 我母亲的人生 |《天生有罪: 特雷弗·诺亚的变色人生》双语小说在线阅读

第十八章: 我母亲的人生 My Mother’s Life

“Now who’s the best-looking person in the family, eh? I hope you enjoyed your week of being the pretty one, ’cause the queen is back, baby. You spent four hours at the salon to look like that. I just took a shower.”

“现在谁是家里最美丽的人，嗯？我希望你这一周当美人当得挺开心，因为此刻女王归位了，宝贝。你要在美发沙龙坐上四个小时，才能变成你现在这样，可我只要洗个澡就行了。”

Monday through Saturday my mom worked in her office and puttered around her garden dressed like a homeless person. Then Sunday morning for church she’d do her hair and put on a nice dress and some high heels and she looked like a million bucks. Once she was all done up, she couldn’t resist teasing me, throwing little verbal jabs the way we’d always do with each other.

从周一到周六，我妈无论在办公室还是在她的花园里，都穿得像个流浪汉，但是一到周日早晨去教堂之前，她都会做好发型，穿上美美的裙子和高跟鞋，看上去像个百万富婆。而且每次她全副武装好之后，都会忍不住嘲笑我，各种挤兑我，就像我们平常互相拌嘴那样。

Once I had my hair cornrowed for the matric dance, I started getting attention from girls for the first time. I actually went on dates. At times I thought that it was because I looked better. At other times I thought it was because girls liked the fact that I was going through as much pain as they did to look good. Either way, once I found success, I wasn’t going to mess with the formula. I kept going back to the salon every week, spending hours at a time getting my hair straightened and cornrowed. My mom would just roll her eyes. “I could never date a man who spends more time on his hair than I do,” she’d say.

自从那次毕业舞会我把头发做成了玉米穗编发以后，我人生中第一次得到了女生的关注。我开始约会了。有时候我觉得可能是因为我变帅了。有时候我觉得可能女生喜欢的是我为变帅而承受她们也承受过的痛苦。不管原因为何，我发现这招可行后，就不想打破这个套路了。我每周都会去美发沙龙，每次花上几个小时把头发拉直，编成玉米穗辫子。我妈对此只会翻白眼。“我决不会和一个在发型上花的时间比我还多的男人约会。”她总这么说。

I can only assume that my mother broke more than a few hearts in her day, but from the time I was born, there were only two men in her life, my father and my stepfather. Right around the corner from my father’s house in Yeoville, there was a garage called Mighty Mechanics. Our Volkswagen was always breaking down, and my mom would take it there to get it repaired. We met this really cool guy there, Abel, one of the auto mechanics. I’d see him when we went to fetch the car. The car broke down a lot, so we were there a lot. Eventually it felt like we were there even when there was nothing wrong with the vehicle. I was six, maybe seven. I didn’t understand everything that was happening. I just knew that suddenly this guy was around. He was tall, lanky and lean but strong. He had these long arms and big hands. He could lift car engines and gearboxes. He was handsome, but he wasn’t good-looking. My mom liked that about him; she used to say there’s a type of ugly that women find attractive. She called him Abie. He called her Mbuyi, short for Nombuyiselo.

想都不用想，那个周日，我妈妈肯定又俘获了好几个人的心，但是，打我出生开始算，我妈的人生中只经历过两个男人，我爸爸和我继父。在尤维尔，离我父亲的房子不远的街角处，有一家名为大力机修的汽车修理厂。我们家那台甲壳虫车总是出问题，我妈就会把车送去那边修理。我们在那儿遇见了一个很酷的男人，亚伯，他是那里的机师之一。我们去取车的时候会见到他。因为那辆车总是坏，所以我们总是能见到他。但后来，事情发展到了哪怕车没坏，我们也总去那儿见他。当时我才六、七岁，并不理解这是怎么回事。我只知道这个家伙总是突然在我们周围打转。他个子很高，身形瘦长，但人很强壮，胳膊长，手也大，可以徒手举起汽车发动机和变速箱。他很英俊，但是不算很好看。我妈妈就喜欢他这样的，她总是说，有一种男人虽然丑，但女人会觉得他很有魅力。她叫他亚比，他叫她努比，努拜伊赛罗的简称。

She was just having fun with me; no son wants to talk about how hot his mom is. Because, truth be told, she was beautiful. Beautiful on the outside, beautiful on the inside. She had a self-confidence about her that I never possessed. Even when she was working in the garden, dressed in overalls and covered in mud, you could see how attractive she was.

她只是在打趣我，不会有哪个儿子愿意去讨论自己的妈妈有多热辣。但她说的确实是真的，她很美。外在美，内在也美。她浑身都散发着一种我从未拥有过的自信。就算她在花园里干活，穿着工装裤，浑身沾满泥巴，你也能看出她有多迷人。

Abel was always cool with me. He wasn’t trying to be my dad, and my dad was still in my life, so I wasn’t looking for anyone to replace him. That’s mom’s cool friend is how I thought of him. He started coming out to stay with us in Eden Park. Some nights he’d want us to crash with him at his converted garage flat in Orange Grove, which we did. Then I burned down the white people’s house, and that was the end of that. From then on we lived together in Eden Park.

亚伯对我的态度也很酷。他没有想着要当我的父亲，我的亲生父亲依然健在，我并不需要什么人来代替他。我心里对亚伯的定位是我妈妈的酷朋友。有时候他会来伊登公园和我们住上几天，有时候会叫我们过去和他一起挤着住在橘子苑的狭小车库里，我们也去了。但后来我把那户白人的房子烧了，他住在那边的日子就结束了。之后，他和我们一起住在了伊登公园。

I liked him, too. Abie was charming and hilarious and had an easy, gracious smile. He loved helping people, too, especially anyone in distress. If someone’s car broke down on the freeway, he pulled over to see what he could do. If someone yelled “Stop, thief!” he was the guy who gave chase. The old lady next door needed help moving boxes? He’s that guy. He liked to be liked by the world, which made his abuse even harder to deal with. Because if you think someone is a monster and the whole world says he’s a saint, you begin to think that you’re the bad person. It must be my fault this is happening is the only conclusion you can draw, because why are you the only one receiving his wrath?

我那时也喜欢他。亚伯很迷人，爱开玩笑，脸上总是带着亲切又温柔的笑容。他很喜欢帮助别人，尤其是弱势群体。如果有人的车子在高速路上抛锚了，他就会停下车，去看看有什么能帮上忙的。如果有人喊道：“抓贼啊！”他也会是那个奋不顾身冲上去的人。隔壁的老奶奶需要帮忙搬几个箱子？他会大步上前。他喜欢被其他人喜欢的感觉，所以这也让我们后来更难面对他的家暴行为。因为如果你觉得某个人是野兽，但整个世界都说他是圣人，你会开始认为自己才是那个有问题的坏人。你只能做出这样的结论：肯定是因为我的错，才会发生这一切，否则为什么他只在你身上泄愤呢？

Instinctively, without even thinking, I said, “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

出于本能，我想都没想就直接说：“我觉得这不是个好主意。”

One night my mom and I were at a prayer meeting and she took me aside.

有一天晚上，我妈和我正在祈祷会上，她把我拉到一边。

“No,” I said. “It’s not that. I like Abel. I like him a lot. But you shouldn’t marry him.” I didn’t know the word “sinister” then, but if I had I probably would have used it. “There’s just something not right about him. I don’t trust him. I don’t think he’s a good person.”

“不是的，”我说，“不是这样的。我喜欢亚伯。我很喜欢他。但是你不应该嫁给他。”我那时还不知道“凶兆”这个词，但是如果我知道的话，我可能就会用这个词来形容我的感觉。“他身上有什么东西不太对。我不相信他。我觉得他不是个好人。”

I wasn’t upset or anything. I just had a sense about the guy, an intuition. I’d felt it even before the mulberry tree. That night hadn’t changed my feelings toward Abel; it had only shown me, in flesh and blood, what he was capable of.

我不是在伤心或怎样。我只是对这个人有种不好的直觉。在桑葚树事件发生之前，我就有预感了。桑葚树那个晚上并不是改变了我对亚伯的感觉，而是用血淋淋的事实向我揭示了亚伯到底能干出什么事。

“I understand that it’s hard,” she said. “I understand that you don’t want a new dad.”

“我知道接受这件事有点儿难，”她说，“我能理解你不想要一个新爸爸。”

I’d always been fine with my mom dating this guy, but I’d never considered the possibility of him becoming a permanent addition to our family. I enjoyed being with Abel the same way I enjoyed playing with a tiger cub the first time I went to a tiger sanctuary: I liked it, I had fun with it, but I never thought about bringing it home.

我妈和亚伯约会，我并不介意，但我从来没想过他有一天可能会成为我们家的正式一员。我喜欢和亚伯玩，就跟我第一次去老虎保护区时喜欢和老虎玩一样：我喜欢老虎，我玩得很开心，但是我从没想过要带一只回家。

“Hey,” she said. “I want to tell you something. Abel and I are going to get married.”

“嘿，”她说，“想跟你说一件事。亚伯和我准备结婚了。”

But Abel was his English name. His Tsonga name was Ngisaveni. It means “Be afraid.”

但是亚伯只是他的英文名字。他的聪加名字叫尼萨文尼，意思是“恐惧”。

Mom and Abel got married. There was no ceremony, no exchange of rings. They went and signed the papers and that was it. A year or so later, my baby brother, Andrew, was born. I only vaguely remember my mom being gone for a few days, and when she got back there was now this thing in the house that cried and shat and got fed, but when you’re nine years older than your sibling, their arrival doesn’t change much for you. I wasn’t changing diapers; I was out playing arcade games at the shop, running around the neighborhood.

妈妈和亚伯结婚了。没有举行结婚仪式，没有交换戒指，只是去办理了相关手续就完了。一年后，我的弟弟安德鲁出生了。在记忆中，我只模糊记得妈妈离开了几天，回来时，家里就多了一个整日哭闹、拉屎、嗷嗷待哺的小东西。假设你比你的弟弟大了九岁，那么他的降临并不会改变你什么。我又不用换尿布，我依然会去打电子游戏，在附近的街上疯玩。

If there was any doubt about Abel, the truth was right there in front of us all along, in his name. He was Abel, the good brother, the good son, a name straight out of the Bible. And he lived up to it as well. He was the firstborn, dutiful, took care of his mother, took care of his siblings. He was the pride of his family.

如果亚伯身上有任何值得怀疑的地方，那么真相就藏在他的名字里，时时刻刻伴随着我们。他是亚伯，这名字来自于《圣经》的名字，意味着一位好兄长和好儿子。他也确实做到了。他是家里的长子，很负责任，孝顺母亲，照顾弟兄，是他们一家的骄傲。

The main thing that marked Andrew’s birth for me was our first trip to meet Abel’s family during the Christmas holidays. They lived in Tzaneen, a town in Gazankulu, what had been the Tsonga homeland under apartheid. Tzaneen has a tropical climate, hot and humid. The white farms nearby grow some of the most amazing fruit — mangoes, lychees, the most beautiful bananas you’ve ever seen in your life. That’s where all the fruit we export to Europe comes from. But on the black land twenty minutes down the road, the soil has been decimated by years of overfarming and overgrazing. Abel’s mother and his sisters were all traditional, stay-at-home moms, and Abel and his younger brother, who was a policeman, supported the family. They were all very kind and generous and accepted us as part of the family right away.

安德鲁出生后，我印象最深的一件事是我们在圣诞节的时候去拜访亚伯的家人。他们住在察嫩，位于加赞库卢的一个小镇，是种族隔离制度下的聪加黑人家园。察嫩是热带气候，炎热潮湿。那里附近的白人农场都在种植超级棒的水果——芒果、荔枝，还有你从没见过的最好看的香蕉。这里生长的水果都会出口到欧洲。但是沿着路再开20分钟的车，就到了黑人的土地上，这片土地已经因为多年的过度开垦和过度放牧，变得贫瘠不堪。亚伯的母亲和他的姐妹都是传统的家庭妇女，亚伯和他做警察的弟弟出去赚钱养家。他们是非常热情慷慨的人，立刻就把我们接纳为了家庭的一员。

“No, no, no, no,” Abel’s mother would protest. “Trevor must go outside and play.”

“不，不，不，不，”亚伯的母亲会立刻抗议，“特雷弗得出去玩了。”

Tsonga culture, I learned, is extremely patriarchal. We’re talking about a world where women must bow when they greet a man. Men and women have limited social interactions. The men kill the animals, and the women cook the food. Men are not even allowed in the kitchen. As a nine-year-old boy, I thought this was fantastic. I wasn’t allowed to do anything. At home my mom was forever making me do chores — wash the dishes, sweep the house — but when she tried to do that in Tzaneen, the women wouldn’t allow it.

我了解到，聪加文化非常重男轻女。在他们的世界里，女人见到男人时必须要鞠躬。男人和女人在社会上的互动极其有限。男人屠宰牲畜，女人做饭。男人甚至不能出现在厨房里。作为一个九岁的男孩，我觉得这简直太棒了。他们不让我干任何家务活。在家里，我妈永远都在给我指派活儿——洗碗，打扫屋子——但是她在察嫩指派我干活儿的时候，其他女人都不允许她这么做。

“Trevor, make your bed,” my mom would say.

“特雷弗，把床铺好。”我妈说。

My mother loathed every moment of being there. For Abel, a firstborn son who was bringing home his own firstborn son, this trip was a huge deal. In the homelands, the firstborn son almost becomes the father/husband by default because the dad is off working in the city. The firstborn son is the man of the house. He raises his siblings. His mom treats him with a certain level of respect as the dad’s surrogate. Since this was Abel’s big homecoming with Andrew, he expected my mother to play her traditional role, too. But she refused.

我妈妈厌恶在那边度过的每一分钟。对于亚伯来说，作为家里的长子，他带回了他自己的长子，这是一次具有重大意义的归家之旅。在黑人家园里，长子通常会承担类似于父亲以及丈夫的角色，因为父亲通常都会远在城里工作。长子就变成了家里的顶梁柱。他要照顾弟弟妹妹。他的母亲会给予他一定程度上的尊敬，因为他就是父亲的替身。这也是亚伯大费周章带安德鲁回家的原因，他希望我母亲也能扮演好她的传统身份。但是她拒绝了。

I was made to run off and have fun while my girl step-cousins had to clean the house and help the women cook. I was in heaven.

他们让我赶紧跑出去玩个痛快，而我的表姐妹们则要留下来打扫房间，帮母亲煮饭。我简直是活在天堂里。

The women in Tzaneen had a multitude of jobs during the day. They prepared breakfast, prepared tea, prepared lunch, did the washing and the cleaning. The men had been working all year in the city to support the family, so this was their vacation, more or less. They were at leisure, waited on by the women. They might slaughter a goat or something, do whatever manly tasks needed to be done, but then they would go to an area that was only for men and hang out and drink while the women cooked and cleaned. But my mom had been working in the city all year, too, and Patricia Noah didn’t stay in anyone’s kitchen. She was a free-roaming spirit. She insisted on walking to the village, going where the men hung out, talking to the men as equals.

察嫩的妇女从早到晚要干很多活儿，要做早餐、煮茶、准备午饭、洗碗、洗衣服、打扫屋子。男人们整年都在城市里赚钱养家，所以回家这件事对他们来说差不多就像度假。他们从容又休闲，享受着女人的服侍。他们可能会杀一只羊什么的，把属于男人的活儿干了，然后就去那些只有男人能进的地方喝酒玩乐，而女人则继续留在家里煮饭打扫。可是我母亲已经在城里工作一整年了，而且帕特莉莎·诺亚才不会在厨房里打转。她是一个自由浪荡的灵魂。她坚持要到村子里去，到那些男人们喝酒的地方，平等地和他们聊天。

The whole tradition of women bowing to the men, my mom found that absurd. But she didn’t refuse to do it. She overdid it. She made a mockery of it. The other women would bow before men with this polite little curtsy. My mom would go down and cower, groveling in the dirt like she was worshipping a deity, and she’d stay down there for a long time, like a really long time, long enough to make everyone very uncomfortable. That was my mom. Don’t fight the system. Mock the system. To Abel, it looked like his wife didn’t respect him. Every other man had some docile girl from the village, and here he’d come with this modern woman, a Xhosa woman no less, a culture whose women were thought of as particularly loudmouthed and promiscuous. The two of them fought and bickered the whole time, and after that first trip my mother refused to go back.

至于女人要向男人鞠躬的传统，我妈更是觉得荒谬至极，不过她也不完全拒绝，而是把这个动作做得很过火，以达到嘲讽的目的。其他女人会在男人面前很有礼貌地微微屈膝行礼，而我妈则会直接趴倒，蜷起身子，匍匐在地，好像在拜神一样，而且她会在地上一直趴着，趴很久很久，久到让所有人开始感到不适。那就是我妈妈。她不对抗体制，她嘲讽体制。对亚伯来说，这看上去就是妻子不尊重他的表现。所有其他男人娶的都是本地村里的温顺姑娘，他却带回了一位现代女性，而且还是一个科萨女人，科萨女人给人的刻板印象就是她们喜欢吵吵嚷嚷，而且生活作风淫乱。在这趟归乡之旅中，他们俩全程都在吵架、打架，从那次以后，我妈再也不愿意去察嫩了。

Up to that point I’d lived my whole life in a world run by women, but after my mom and Abel were married, and especially after Andrew was born, I watched him try to assert himself and impose his ideas of what he thought his family should be. One thing that became clear early on was that those ideas did not include me. I was a reminder that my mom had lived a life before him. I didn’t even share his color. His family was him, my mom, and the new baby. My family was my mom and me. I actually appreciated that about him. Sometimes he was my buddy, sometimes not, but he never pretended our relationship was anything other than what it was. We’d joke around and laugh together. We’d watch TV together. He’d slip me pocket money now and again after my mother said I’d had enough. But he never gave me a birthday present or a Christmas present. He never gave me the affection of a father. I was never his son.

在那之前，我的整个世界都是由女人掌控的，但是我妈妈和亚伯结婚后，尤其在安德鲁出生以后，我发现亚伯一直试图在家中确立自己的权威地位，把他认为的家庭观念强加在这个家里。而且很快我还意识到，在他的观念中，他的家庭成员并不包含我。我代表的是我妈在和他结婚以前的那段过去。我甚至和他不是一个肤色的人。他的家庭包含了他、我妈和新生儿。我的家庭则包含的是我妈和我。其实我还挺感谢他能这么想。有时候他是我的伙伴，有时候不是，但是他从来不会假装我们的关系还有别的什么含义。我们会嬉笑打闹，一起看电视，他也会在我妈说我已经有零钱的情况下继续往我口袋里塞零花钱。但是他从没给我买过生日礼物，或圣诞礼物。他从来没有给过我父亲一样的感情。我从来都不是他的儿子。

Abel’s presence in the house brought with it new rules. One of the first things he did was kick Fufi and Panther out of the house.

亚伯来到家里后，立下了各种新规矩。第一条，他把芙菲和豹子从房子里丢到了外面。

“But we’ve always had the dogs in the house.”

“但是我们的狗一直是在家里养的啊。”

“No dogs in the house.”

“狗不能进房间门。”

Putting the dogs in the yard was Abel’s way of saying, “We’re going to do things around here the way they’re supposed to be done.” When they were just dating, my mother was still the free spirit, doing what she wanted, going where she wanted. Slowly, those things got reined in. I could feel that he was trying to rein in our independence. He even got upset about church. “You cannot be at church the whole day,” he’d say. “My wife is gone all day, and what will people say? ‘Why is his wife not around? Where is she? Who goes to church for the whole day?’ No, no, no. This brings disrespect to me.”

亚伯把狗赶到院子里，这个举动就是为了表明：“我们得在这个家里好好立下规矩，让它变成本来应该的样子。”还在约会阶段的时候，我妈妈依旧是自由的灵魂，随心所欲，想去哪里去哪里。但是后来慢慢地，她开始变得束手束脚了。我能感觉到，亚伯在试图约束我们的独立行为。他甚至对我们去教堂这件事都有很大意见。“你不能一整天都待在教堂里，”他说，“我老婆整天不在家，别人会怎么说？‘他老婆怎么不在？他老婆去哪儿了？谁会一去教堂就一整天啊？’不行，不行，不行，这是不尊重我的表现。”

“Not anymore. In an African home, dogs sleep outside. People sleep inside.”

“以后不行了。在非洲人的家里，狗要睡在外头，人才睡在里头。”

He tried to stop her from spending so much time at church, and one of the most effective tools he used was to stop fixing my mother’s car. It would break down, and he’d purposefully let it sit. My mom couldn’t afford another car, and she couldn’t get the car fixed somewhere else. You’re married to a mechanic and you’re going to get your car fixed by another mechanic? That’s worse than cheating. So Abel became our only transport, and he would refuse to take us places. Ever defiant, my mother would take minibuses to get to church.

他开始阻止她在教堂里花那么多时间。最有效的方法是，不再帮忙修我妈的车子了。那台车还是会坏，但他故意坐视不理。我妈买不起另一台车，也不能把车带到别的地方去修。你嫁给了一个机师，却去找另一个机师来修你的车？这事儿比出轨还糟。所以我们要出门只能靠亚伯，而他则会拒绝带我们出去。我妈不服，开始搭小巴去教堂。

Losing the car also meant losing access to my dad. We had to ask Abel for rides into town, and he didn’t like what they were for. It was an insult to his manhood.

没了车，也就意味着我失去了见我父亲的途径。我们得让亚伯开车带我们进城，但他并不喜欢我们进城去做的事。这是对他男子气概的侮辱。

“Why are you going to Yeoville?”

“为什么要去尤维尔？”

“What? No, no. How can I take my wife and her child and drop you off there? You’re insulting me. What do I tell my friends? What do I tell my family? My wife is at another man’s house? The man who made that child with her? No, no, no.”

“什么？不行，不行。我怎么能开车带我的老婆和她的孩子去那儿？你在侮辱我。我该怎么跟朋友们解释？我怎么跟我家里人说？我老婆在另一个男人的家？那个男人还跟她生过一个孩子？不行，不行，不行。”

“We need to go to Yeoville.”

“我们得去尤维尔。”

“To see Trevor’s dad.”

“去见特雷弗的爸爸。”

I saw my father less and less. Not long after, he moved down to Cape Town.

于是我和我父亲见面的次数越来越少。再之后不久，他就搬去了开普敦。

Abel wanted a traditional marriage with a traditional wife. For a long time I wondered why he ever married a woman like my mom in the first place, as she was the opposite of that in every way. If he wanted a woman to bow to him, there were plenty of girls back in Tzaneen being raised solely for that purpose. The way my mother always explained it, the traditional man wants a woman to be subservient, but he never falls in love with subservient women. He’s attracted to independent women. “He’s like an exotic bird collector,” she said. “He only wants a woman who is free because his dream is to put her in a cage.”

亚伯想要的是一段传统的婚姻关系，娶一个传统的老婆，所以我想了很久都想不明白，他为什么要找像我妈这样的女人结婚。她完全是传统的对立面。如果他想要一个对他卑躬屈膝的女人，那么这样的姑娘在察嫩有一大把，她们从小到大接受的都是各种如何服侍男人的培训，只等着有一天嫁人。我妈对此的解释是，传统男人想要一个卑微顺从的妻子，但是他并不会爱上那个卑微顺从的妻子。他会被独立的女性吸引。“他就像是个收集异域珍禽的人，”她说，“他想拥有一个自由的女人，因为他梦想把她塞进笼子里养着。”

When we first met Abel, he smoked a lot of weed. He drank, too, but it was mostly weed. Looking back, I almost miss his pothead days because the weed mellowed him out. He’d smoke, chill, watch TV, and fall asleep. I think subconsciously it was something he knew he needed to do to take the edge off his anger. He stopped smoking after he and my mom got married. She made him stop for religious reasons — the body is a temple and so on. But what none of us saw coming was that when he stopped smoking weed he just replaced it with alcohol. He started drinking more and more. He never came home from work sober. An average day was a six-pack of beer after work. Weeknights he’d have a buzz on. Some Fridays and Saturdays he just didn’t come home.

我们刚认识亚伯的时候，他经常抽大麻。他也喝酒，但主要是抽大麻。回头想想，我几乎有点儿怀念那时候的他，因为大麻会让他的性情平和下来，抽抽大麻，放松身心，看着电视，就睡着了。我潜意识里觉得，他应该是明白他需要大麻来抑制自己的暴脾气。他和我妈结婚后不久，就不再抽大麻了。我妈用某些宗教原因劝阻了他——比如你的身体是一座神殿之类的话。但是我们都没想到的是，他不抽大麻以后，又开始酗酒了，喝得越来越多，几乎没有哪天下班回家是清醒的。平常下班后，他还要喝一提啤酒，就是六瓶。工作日里他只求微醺，周五周六晚上，他干脆都不回家了。

When Abel drank, his eyes would go red, bloodshot. That was the clue I learned to read. I always thought of Abel as a cobra: calm, perfectly still, then explosive. There was no ranting and raving, no clenched fists. He’d be very quiet, and then out of nowhere the violence would come. The eyes were my only clue to stay away. His eyes were everything. They were the eyes of the Devil.

亚伯喝醉后，眼睛会充血变红。这是一条关键线索，我需要时刻留意。我总是觉得亚伯像一条眼镜蛇：先是静止，完美的静止，然后爆发。他不会大声叫嚷，也不会握紧拳头，而是非常安静，然后突然开始施暴。他的眼睛是唯一的线索。他的眼睛里包含着一切信息。那是魔鬼的眼睛。

Late one night we woke up to a house filled with smoke. Abel hadn’t come home by the time we’d gone to bed, and I’d fallen asleep in my mother’s room with her and Andrew, who was still a baby. I jerked awake to her shaking me and screaming. “Trevor! Trevor!” There was smoke everywhere. We thought the house was burning down.

有一天深夜，我们从梦中惊醒，房子里满是浓烟。我们上床睡觉，那会儿亚伯还没到家，我在我妈的房间里陪她和安德鲁一起睡，那时安德鲁还只是个小婴儿。我妈把我猛然晃醒，在我耳边尖叫。“特雷弗！特雷弗！”到处都是浓烟，我们以为房子要烧光了。

My mom ran down the hallway to the kitchen, where she discovered the kitchen on fire. Abel had driven home drunk, blind drunk, drunker than we’d ever seen him before. He’d been hungry, tried to heat up some food on the stove, and passed out on the couch while it was cooking. The pot had burned itself out and burned up the kitchen wall behind the stove, and smoke was billowing everywhere. She turned off the stove and opened the doors and the windows to try to air the place out. Then she went over to the couch and woke him up and started berating him for nearly burning the house down. He was too drunk to care.

我妈妈快跑着穿过门厅，来到厨房，发现是厨房着火了。原来是亚伯醉醺醺地开车回来，到家已经醉得不成样，我们从未见他醉成这样过。他有点儿饿，就想在炉子上热点儿什么吃，但炉子还在烧的时候，他在沙发上睡着了。锅被烧穿后，点燃了炉子旁边的墙壁，浓烟翻滚着充满了整个房间。我妈关掉炉子，把门窗打开，让烟排了出去。接着她走到沙发那边，把他弄醒，开始大声斥责他差点儿把房子烧光。但他醉得不省人事，完全不在意。

She came back into the bedroom, picked up the phone, and called my grandmother. She started going on and on about Abel and his drinking. “This man, he’s going to kill us one day. He almost burnt the house down…”

她回到卧室，拿起电话，打给我的外婆。她开始向外婆抱怨亚伯和他的酗酒问题。“这个人，他总有一天会把我们害死的。他几乎把房子烧没了…”

“I can’t have a child for a husband –“

“我怎么能让一个小孩当我丈夫——”

“Mbuyi –“

“努比——”

“Mbuyi –“

“努比——”

“Mbuyi, shut up –“

“努比，闭嘴——”

“Mbuyi –“

“努比——”

“You’re not a man; you’re a child –“

“你不是个男人；你就是个小孩——”

Abel walked into the bedroom, very calm, very quiet. His eyes were blood red, his eyelids heavy. He put his finger on the cradle and hung up the call. My mom lost it.

亚伯走进卧室，非常平静，非常镇定。他的眼睛血红，眼皮耷拉着，伸手按下座机按键，挂断了我妈的电话。我妈几乎发狂了。

“How dare you! Don’t you hang up my phone call! What do you think you’re doing?!”

“你怎么敢这样！你不能挂我的电话！你以为你在干吗？！”

Abel towered over my mother. He didn’t raise his voice, didn’t get angry.

亚伯站在我妈面前，比她高出一个头。他没有提高声音，也没有生气。

“Respect?! You almost burned down our house. Respect? Oh, please! Earn your respect! You want me to respect you as a man, then act like a man! Drinking your money in the streets, and where are your child’s diapers?! Respect?! Earn your respect –“

“尊重？！你差点儿把我们房子烧没了。尊重？拜托！你得自己去赢得别人的尊重！你想让我尊重你是个男人，那就请你举止行为有个男人样！你在街上喝酒花光了钱，你孩子的尿布拿什么买？！尊重？！你自己值不值得别人尊重——”

“Oh, please! You’re worried about what the world is thinking? Worry about this world! Worry about what your family is thinking!”

“去你的吧！你还担心别人怎么看你？你还担心别人！你还是担心担心你的家人怎么看你吧！”

“Mbuyi,” he said softly, “you don’t respect me.”

“努比，”他轻轻地说，“你不尊重我。”

“You don’t tell people what’s happening in this house,” he said.

“你不能把这个房子里发生的事告诉别人。”他说。

“I’ve got my own children to raise –“

“我还得养我自己的小孩——”

“A man who comes home drunk –“

“一个大男人醉醺醺地回到家——”

“And burns down the house with his children –“

“把自己家房子烧了，里面还有他的孩子——”

“Mbuyi, shut up –“

“努比，闭嘴——”

“Mbuyi, shut up –“

“努比，闭嘴——”

“And you call yourself a father –“

“你还好意思叫自己是个父亲——”

“Did you just hit me?”

“你打我？”

Then out of nowhere, like a clap of thunder when there were no clouds, crack!, he smacked her across the face. She ricocheted off the wall and collapsed like a ton of bricks. I’d never seen anything like it. She went down and stayed down for a good thirty seconds. Andrew started screaming. I don’t remember going to pick him up, but I clearly remember holding him at some point. My mom pulled herself up and struggled back to her feet and launched right back into him. She’d clearly been knocked for a loop, but she was trying to act more with-it than she was. I could see the disbelief in her face. This had never happened to her before in her life. She got right back in his face and started shouting at him.

突然之间，就像没有乌云的晴空里突然炸了一声雷——啪！他一巴掌扇在我妈的脸上，她被打得撞到墙上，像一堆碎砖头那样缓缓倒了下去。我从没见过这样的事。她瘫在地上，停了三十几秒的时间。安德鲁开始大哭。我不记得我冲过去把他抱起来，但是我确实记得后来他被我抱在了怀里。我妈挣扎着爬起来后，努力站稳，开始反击。她显然已经被打蒙了，但依然试图强装镇静。我看到她脸上有种难以置信的表情。她人生中从未发生过这种事。她朝他脸上打回去，开始冲他大吼。

The whole time, in my head, I kept thinking the same thing Abel was saying. Shut up, Mom. Shut up. You’re going to make it worse. Because I knew, as the receiver of many beatings, the one thing that doesn’t help is talking back. But she wouldn’t stay quiet.

整个过程中，我的脑子里不断在重复亚伯刚才说过的一样的话。闭嘴，妈妈。闭嘴。你只会让事情变得更糟。因为我知道，我挨过那么多顿揍，回嘴是最没用的。但是她不肯停下。

“Calm down, lady. Calm down. Who hit you?”

“镇静点儿，女士。镇静。谁打你了？”

“Your husband? What did you do? Did you make him angry?”

“你的丈夫？你干什么了？你惹他生气了？”

“No, no. Ma’am. Why do you wanna make a case, eh? You sure you want to do this? Go home and talk to your husband. You do know once you lay charges you can’t take them back? He’ll have a criminal record. His life will never be the same. Do you really want your husband going to jail?”

“不不，这位女士。为什么你要报案啊，嗯？你确定你要这么做吗？回家和你丈夫好好谈谈吧。你知道你一旦报了案，就没法撤销了吗？他会留下案底。他的人生将会就此不同。你确定想把你丈夫送进监狱吗？”

We ran out of the house and up the road. It was the dead of night, cold outside. I was wearing nothing but a T-shirt and sweatpants. We walked to the Eden Park police station, over a kilometer away. My mom marched us in, and there were two cops on duty at the front desk.

我们跑出家，跑到大马路上。那时夜已深了，外面很冷。我只穿了一件T恤和运动裤。我们走路去了伊登公园警察局，那离我们家有一千米远。我妈领着我们进去后，看到警察局桌子后面坐了两个值班的警察。

“No man has ever! Don’t think you can control me when you can’t even control –“

“从来没有男人打过我！你别以为你可以控制我，你甚至都控制不了——”

“I’m here to lay a charge,” she said.

“我要报案。”她说。

To this day I’ll never forget the patronizing, condescending way they spoke to her.

直到今天，我都无法忘记那两个警官对她说话时那种高人一等、居高临下的样子。

“Mbuyi, I told you –“

“努比，我跟你说了——”

“Did you just hit me?”

“你刚打我了是吗？”

Crack! He hit her again. She stumbled back but this time didn’t fall. She scrambled, grabbed me, and grabbed Andrew.

啪！他又扇了她一掌。我妈踉跄着往后退，但这次没有摔倒。她慌张地抓住我，再抓住安德鲁。

“Did I… what? No. He hit me. I’m here to lay a charge against –“

“我干什么了…什么？不是，他打了我。我要来这儿告他——”

“My husband.”

“我的丈夫。”

“I’m here to lay a charge against the man who hit me.”

“有个男人打了我，我要告他。”

“Let’s go. We’re leaving.”

“我们走。我们得离开这儿。”

“What are you here to lay a charge about?”

“报什么案？”

“This is a family thing,” they said. “You don’t want to involve the police. Maybe you want to think it over and come back in the morning.”

“这是家长里短的事儿，”他们说，“你可不想把警察牵扯进来。也许你应该再回去好好想想，明天早上再来。”

“It’s okay, man. We know. It happens. Don’t worry.”

“没事的，老兄。我们知道的。这很常见。别担心。”

I had never seen anything like it. I was nine years old, and I still thought of the police as the good guys. You get in trouble, you call the police, and those flashing red-and-blue lights are going to come and save you. But I remember standing there watching my mom, flabbergasted, horrified that these cops wouldn’t help her. That’s when I realized the police were not who I thought they were. They were men first, and police second.

我从没见过这样的场面。那时我才九岁，仍然以为警察都是好人。你有了麻烦，你去叫警察，那些人会一路闪着红蓝警灯，救你于水火之中。但是那天，我记得我站在那里，看着我妈妈目瞪口呆、惊慌失措的样子，因为这些警察不肯帮她。这时我才意识到，警察并不是我以为的那种形象。他们首先是男人，其次才是警察。

My mom kept insisting that they take a statement and open a case, and they actually refused — they refused to write up a charge sheet.

我母亲坚持要他们做笔录、立案，但是他们拒绝了——他们拒绝写案件记录。

Mom started yelling at them, demanding to see the station commander, and right then Abel walked into the station. He’d driven down. He’d sobered up a bit, but he was still drunk, driving into a police station. That didn’t matter. He walked over to the cops, and the station turned into a boys’ club. Like they were a bunch of old pals.

我妈开始对他们大吼，要求见他们的上司，就在这时，亚伯走进了警察局。他是开车过来的，这时整个人清醒了一点儿，但还是带着醉态，并且这种情况下开车来了警察局。这还没什么。他走向两个警察后，警察局立刻变成了兄弟会，好像他们是认识很久的好兄弟一样。

“Hey, guys,” he said. “You know how it is. You know how women can be. I just got a little angry, that’s all.”

“嘿，伙计们，”他说，“你知道是怎么回事啦。你知道女人有时候会是什么样。我不过就是发了点儿脾气，就这样而已。”

We left the station. My mother took me and Andrew, and we went out to stay with my grandmother in Soweto for a while. A few weeks later, Abel drove over and apologized. Abel was always sincere and heartfelt with his apologies: He didn’t mean it. He knows he was wrong. He’ll never do it again. My grandmother convinced my mom that she should give Abel a second chance. Her argument was basically, “All men do it.” My grandfather, Temperance, had hit her. Leaving Abel was no guarantee it wouldn’t happen again, and at least Abel was willing to apologize. So my mom decided to give him another chance. We drove back to Eden Park together, and for years, nothing — for years Abel didn’t lay a finger on her. Or me. Everything went back to the way it was.

离开警察局后，我妈带上我和安德鲁，去索韦托和我外婆住了一段时间。几周之后，亚伯开车过来，向她道歉。亚伯道起歉来总是特别真挚，让你感受他的真心实意：他不是故意的。他知道他错了。他再也不会这么做了。我外婆说服了我妈，让她再给他一次机会。理由很简单：“所有男人都这样。”我的外公泰普雷斯也打过我外婆。就算离开亚伯，也不能保证这事儿以后就不会发生了，至少亚伯还愿意道歉。于是，我妈决定再给他一次机会。我们一起开车回到了伊登公园，接下来的几年，相安无事——这几年中，亚伯完全没有对她动过手。也没打过我。一切似乎都回到了正轨。

Abel was an amazing mechanic, probably one of the best around at the time. He’d been to technical college, graduated first in his class. He’d had job offers from BMW and Mercedes. His business thrived on referrals. People would bring their cars from all over the city for him to fix because he could work miracles on them. My mom truly believed in him. She thought she could raise him up, help him make good on his potential, not merely as a mechanic but as the owner of his own workshop.

亚伯是个很棒的机师，可能是当时技术最好的那个。他上过技术学校，毕业成绩是班里第一名。宝马和奔驰公司都向他递出过橄榄枝。他的好口碑一传十十传百，人们会从城市的各个角落把车送过来给他修，因为亚伯总能让奇迹发生。我妈妈真心相信他。她觉得自己可以扶持他，让他发挥出自己的潜力，不仅仅做一名好机师，还能拥有自己的修车厂。

As headstrong and independent as my mom is, she remains the woman who gives back. She gives and gives and gives; that is her nature. She refused to be subservient to Abel at home, but she did want him to succeed as a man. If she could make their marriage a true marriage of equals, she was willing to pour herself into it completely, the same way she poured herself into her children. At some point, Abel’s boss decided to sell Mighty Mechanics and retire. My mom had some money saved, and she helped Abel buy it. They moved the workshop from Yeoville to the industrial area of Wynberg, just west of Alex, and Mighty Mechanics became the new family business.

尽管我妈是非常固执、独立，但她依然是一个甘于奉献的女人。一直以来，她都在为别人奉献，这是她的天性。她拒绝在家庭角色中对亚伯卑躬屈膝，但是她确实希望他作为一个丈夫可以成功。如果她可以将这段婚姻经营成那种平等的婚姻关系，她愿意倾尽所有，就像她为自己的孩子倾尽所有那样。后来，亚伯的老板想卖掉大力机修，准备退休养老。我妈存了一些钱，便帮亚伯买下了这个厂。于是，他们把厂子从尤维尔搬去了韦恩堡的工业区，就在亚历山德拉的西面，大力机修成了我们新的家庭生意。

When you first go into business there are so many things nobody tells you. That’s especially true when you’re two young black people, a secretary and a mechanic, coming out of a time when blacks had never been allowed to own businesses at all. One of the things nobody tells you is that when you buy a business you buy its debt. After my mom and Abel opened up the books on Mighty Mechanics and came to a full realization of what they’d bought, they saw how much trouble the company was already in.

当你刚刚接触做生意这件事的时候，很多事情别人是不会告诉你的。尤其你们是两个年轻的黑人，一个是秘书，一个是机师，身处于一个根本不允许黑人开公司的时代，就更是如此了。首先，没人会告诉你的是，你买下一个公司，也就顺带买了它的债务。我妈妈和亚伯打开大力机修的账本之后，才发现他们到底买下了一个怎样的公司。他们此时才看到，这个公司到底有多少麻烦缠身。

The garage gradually took over our lives. I’d get out of school and walk the five kilometers from Maryvale to the workshop. I’d sit for hours and try to do my homework with the machines and repairs going on around me. Inevitably Abel would get behind schedule on a car, and since he was our ride, we’d have to wait for him to finish before we could go home. It started out as “We’re running late. Go nap in a car, and we’ll tell you when we’re leaving.” I’d crawl in the backseat of some sedan, they’d wake me up at midnight, and we’d drive all the way back out to Eden Park and crash. Then pretty soon it was “We’re running late. Go sleep in a car, and we’ll wake you for school in the morning.” We started sleeping at the garage. At first it was one or two nights a week, then three or four. Then my mom sold the house and put that money into the business as well. She went all in. She gave up everything for him.

这个汽车修理厂，彻底占据了我们的生活。每天放学后，我要从玛丽威尔步行五公里走到厂子里去。在那待上几个小时，在机器的轰鸣声中努力写作业。不可避免地，亚伯的修车进度往往会拖延，但因为他要开车送我们回家，我们就只能等着他干完活，才能一起回家。开始的时候是：“我们会晚点儿结束。找个车里睡一觉，走的时候叫你。”我就爬进某个轿车的后座睡下，他们会在午夜把我叫醒，我们再开车回伊登公园睡觉。不久之后就变成了：“我们要晚点儿结束。找个车去睡觉，明早上学会叫你起床的。”我们开始在修车厂过夜。最初的时候，一周会在那儿过两个晚上，然后变成三晚、四晚。再后来，我妈卖了我们的房子，把钱全投进了修车厂。她付出了全部，用尽自己的所有来支持他。

From that point on we lived in the garage. It was a warehouse, basically, and not the fancy, romantic sort of warehouse hipsters might one day turn into lofts. No, no. It was a cold, empty space. Gray concrete floors stained with oil and grease, old junk cars and car parts everywhere. Near the front, next to the roller door that opened onto the street, there was a tiny office built out of drywall for doing paperwork and such. In the back was a kitchenette, just a sink, a portable hot plate, and some cabinets. To bathe, there was only an open wash basin, like a janitor’s sink, with a showerhead rigged up above.

从那时起，我们就住在修车厂里了。那里就是个大仓库，但并不是那种将来可以改建成时髦住宅的浪漫空间。不是，不是。那里就是一个空旷、寒冷的大屋子。灰色的水泥地上沾满了油污，报废汽车和车零件到处都是。在工厂前部，靠近临街卷门的地方，有一间用石膏板隔出来的小办公室，用来处理文件工作。后部有个小厨房，基本就是一个水池，一个轻便电炉，几个柜子。要洗澡的话，户外有个洗脸盆，很像清洁工用的那种水槽，上面挂了个莲蓬头。

Since Mighty Mechanics was now a family business, and I was family, I also had to work. There was no more time for play. There wasn’t even time for homework. I’d walk home, the school uniform would come off, the overalls would go on, and I’d get under the hood of some sedan. I got to a point where I could do a basic service on a car by myself, and often I did. Abel would say, “That Honda. Minor service.” And I’d get under the hood. Day in and day out. Points, plugs, condensers, oil filters, air filters. Install new seats, change tires, swap headlights, fix taillights. Go to the parts shop, buy the parts, back to the workshop. Eleven years old, and that was my life. I was falling behind in school. I wasn’t getting anything done. My teachers used to come down on me.

大力机修是我们家的生意，而我也是家庭成员，所以我也得干活。我失去了玩的时间，甚至连写作业的时间都没了。每天我从学校走路回家后，就得脱掉校服，穿上工装，钻到某辆轿车的底盘下面。到后来，我已经会给车做一些简易的维修保养了，而且也常常得做，亚伯会说：“那辆本田，简单保养。”然后，我就会走去打开引擎罩子。日复一日。电子开关、栓塞、冷凝器、滤油器、散热器、安装新座椅、换轮胎、换车前灯、修尾灯、去汽配店、买配件、回机修厂。那年我11岁，那就是我的人生。我的功课落下了不少，我什么作业都完不成。我的老师常常教训我。

Abel and my mom slept with Andrew in the office on a thin mattress they’d roll out on the floor. I slept in the cars. I got really good at sleeping in cars. I know all the best cars to sleep in. The worst were the cheap ones, Volkswagens, low-end Japanese sedans. The seats barely reclined, no headrests, cheap fake-leather upholstery. I’d spend half the night trying not to slide off the seat. I’d wake up with sore knees because I couldn’t stretch out and extend my legs. German cars were wonderful, especially Mercedes. Big, plush leather seats, like couches. They were cold when you first climbed in, but they were well insulated and warmed up nicely. All I needed was my school blazer to curl up under, and I could get really cozy inside a Mercedes. But the best, hands-down, were American cars. I used to pray for a customer to come in with a big Buick with bench seats. If I saw one of those, I’d be like, Yes! It was rare for American cars to come in, but when they did, boy, was I in heaven.

亚伯、我妈和安德鲁都睡在办公室，他们在地上铺了一块薄薄的床垫。我睡在车里。我其实还挺喜欢在车里睡。我知道什么车睡得最舒服。便宜车睡得最不舒服，比如大众，还有那些低端日本轿车。那些座位几乎都没有弹性，没有靠垫，用的都是廉价的人造革。如果睡在这类车里，我晚上有一半的时间都在努力不让自己从座位上滑下去。早上起来膝盖酸痛，因为一整夜我的腿都伸不直。德国车很适合睡，尤其是奔驰。空间大，豪华真皮座椅，跟沙发似的。你刚睡进去的时候会觉得冷，但是它们保温性好，一会儿就能暖和起来，我只需要把校服卷起来枕着，就能在奔驰车里睡得很舒服。但是毫无疑问，最好的还是美国车。我曾经默默祈祷，希望能出现一位顾客带进来一辆带有高靠背座椅的别克车。如果我看到这样的车，就会高兴得不行，太棒了！来送修的美国车很少，但要有的话，老天啊，我简直像上了天堂一样幸福。

We worked and worked and worked, but no matter how many hours we put in, the business kept losing money. We lost everything. We couldn’t even afford real food. There was one month I’ll never forget, the worst month of my life. We were so broke that for weeks we ate nothing but bowls of marogo, a kind of wild spinach, cooked with caterpillars. Mopane worms, they’re called. Mopane worms are literally the cheapest thing that only the poorest of poor people eat. I grew up poor, but there’s poor and then there’s “Wait, I’m eating worms.” Mopane worms are the sort of thing where even people in Soweto would be like, “Eh… no.” They’re these spiny, brightly colored caterpillars the size of your finger. They’re nothing like escargot, where someone took a snail and gave it a fancy name. They’re fucking worms. They have black spines that prick the roof of your mouth as you’re eating them. When you bite into a mopane worm, it’s not uncommon for its yellow-green excrement to squirt into your mouth.

我们努力地干活干活干活，但不管投入多少时间和精力，这门生意还是在赔钱。我们什么都赔掉了。甚至买不起吃的。我永远忘不了有一个月我是怎么过的，那是我人生中最糟糕的一个月。我们太穷了，连续几周都在吃一种叫马洛葛的野菠菜，和学名叫莫帕尼虫的毛毛虫炖在一起。莫帕尼虫真的是最便宜的东西，只有穷人中的穷人才会吃。虽然我从小到大家里一直很穷，但是那种穷，和“等等，我在吃虫子”的穷，依然不是一个等级。连索韦托人看到莫帕尼虫都会说：“呃…还是不要了吧。”这些多刺且颜色明亮的毛毛虫，和人手指一般大小，但是和法国蜗牛不一样，人们可以给蜗牛安一个光鲜的名字，让它们成为高级食材，但莫帕尼虫只能是恶心的虫子。咀嚼的时候，它们的黑色脊柱会刺破你的上颚。而且很常见的情况是，当你咬下一只莫帕尼虫时，它们黄绿色的粪便会在你的口腔中溅射出来。

“I can’t do my homework. I have work, at home.”

“我做不了作业。我回家以后要干活。”

“Why aren’t you doing your homework?”

“为什么你不做作业？”

That was the period of my life I hated the most — work all night, sleep in some car, wake up, wash up in a janitor’s sink, brush my teeth in a little metal basin, brush my hair in the rearview mirror of a Toyota, then try to get dressed without getting oil and grease all over my school clothes so the kids at school won’t know I live in a garage. Oh, I hated it so much. I hated cars. I hated sleeping in cars. I hated working on cars. I hated getting my hands dirty. I hated eating worms. I hated it all.

那是我最痛恨的一段人生——整夜干活，睡在车里，早晨醒来，在清洁工的水槽里洗澡，在一个小铁盆里刷牙，对着丰田车的后视镜梳头，然后小心翼翼地穿衣服，尽量避免油污沾到校服上——这样的话，学校里的同学就不会发现我住在汽修厂。唉，我实在太痛恨那段日子了。我痛恨车。我痛恨睡在车里。我痛恨修车。我痛恨总把手弄脏。我痛恨吃虫子。我痛恨那时的一切。

For a while I sort of enjoyed the caterpillars. It was like a food adventure, but then over the course of weeks, eating them every day, day after day, I couldn’t take it anymore. I’ll never forget the day I bit a mopane worm in half and that yellow-green ooze came out and I thought, “I’m eating caterpillar shit.” Instantly I wanted to throw up. I snapped and ran to my mom crying. “I don’t want to eat caterpillars anymore!” That night she scraped some money together and bought us chicken. As poor as we’d been in the past, we’d never been without food.

有段时间，我还挺喜欢吃毛毛虫的，就好像在尝试新鲜食物一样，但是连着吃了好几周，每天吃，天天吃，我也受不了了。我永远忘不了那天，我咬断了一只莫帕尼虫，黄绿色的汁液渗了出来，我脑中马上想到：“我在吃虫子屎。”我立刻想吐。我跳起来跑向我妈，哭着说：“我再也不想吃毛毛虫了！”那天晚上，她东拼西凑弄来一些钱，给我们买了只鸡。以前哪怕我们再穷，我们从来不会没有东西吃。

I didn’t hate my mom, or even Abel, funnily enough. Because I saw how hard everyone was working. At first I didn’t know about the mistakes being made on the business level that were making it hard, so it just felt like a hard situation. But eventually I started to see why the business was hemorrhaging money. I used to go around and buy auto parts for Abel, and I learned that he was buying his parts on credit. The vendors were charging him a crazy markup. The debt was crippling the company, and instead of paying off the debt he was drinking what little cash he made. Brilliant mechanic, horrible businessman.

我不恨我妈妈，搞笑的是，我甚至不恨亚伯。因为我看到每个人都在努力工作。起初，我并不知道是在经营层面上出的问题让我们生活如此困难，我只以为是暂时的困难期，过去就好了。但是后来我才开始明白，为什么我们的生意一直在亏钱。因为我经常出去帮亚伯买配件，所以逐渐发现他自己去买的时候，其实都是赊账，而配件商卖给他的价格高得离谱。债务逐渐拖垮了厂子，但是亚伯从不还债，还把赚来的那点儿钱都买酒喝了。他是个技术超群的机师，但也是极其糟糕的生意人。

At a certain point, in order to try to save the garage, my mother quit her job at ICI and stepped in to help him run the workshop. She brought her office skills to the garage full-time and started keeping the books, making the schedule, balancing the accounts. And it was going well, until Abel started to feel like she was running his business. People started commenting on it as well. Clients were getting their cars on time, vendors were getting paid on time, and they would say, “Hey, Abie, this workshop is going so much better now that your wife has taken over.” That didn’t help.

后来，为了振兴厂子，我妈辞掉了她在ICI的工作，开始帮助亚伯管理车间，全身心投入到亚伯的事业里，用她多年的办公室技能，帮亚伯记账、排班、结算账目。事情开始有所好转，但后来，亚伯却觉得他的事业好像被我妈抢走了。人们也开始这么说。可以准时拿回车的顾客和及时收到货款的供应商都说：“嘿，亚比，你老婆接手以后，这间修车厂比以前可要好多了。”这话亚伯不爱听。

We lived in the workshop for close to a year, and then my mom had had enough. She was willing to help him, but not if he was going to drink all the profits. She had always been independent, self-sufficient, but she’d lost that part of herself at the mercy of someone else’s failed dream. At a certain point she said, “I can’t do this anymore. I’m out of this. I’m done.” She went out and got a job as a secretary with a real-estate developer, and somehow, between that and borrowing against whatever equity was left in Abel’s workshop, she was able to get us the house in Highlands North. We moved, the workshop was seized by Abel’s creditors, and that was the end of that.

我们在修车厂里住了近一年后，我妈受够了。她倒是愿意帮他，但是他把赚的钱全拿去喝酒，她再怎么帮也没办法了。她一直是个独立且自给自足的人，但是为了某些人失败的梦想，她不得不牺牲掉自己的那部分特质。有一天，她终于说：“我受不了这一切了。我退出，我不干了。”她在一个建筑开发商那儿找了一份秘书工作，用那份工作赚来的钱，再凭着用亚伯厂子剩余资产抵押的贷款，给我们买了那栋高地北的房子。我们搬家后，厂子被亚伯的债主拿去抵债，修车生意彻底结束。

Growing up I suffered no shortage of my mother’s old school, Old Testament discipline. She spared no rod and spoiled no child. With Andrew, she was different. He got spankings at first, but they tapered off and eventually went away. When I asked her why I got beatings and Andrew didn’t, she made a joke about it like she does with everything. “I beat you like that because you could take it,” she said. “I can’t hit your little brother the same way because he’s a skinny little stick. He’ll break. But you, God gave you that ass for whipping.” Even though she was kidding, I could tell that the reason she didn’t beat Andrew was because she’d had a genuine change of heart on the matter. It was a lesson she’d learned, oddly enough, from me.

从小到大，我一直接受的都是我妈那种旧约式的管教。她对我绝不手下留情，绝不姑息溺爱。但是到了安德鲁的时候，她却变了。他刚开始也会挨揍，但是后来挨揍的次数慢慢少了，最后竟完全不会挨打了。我问我妈为什么我会挨揍、而安德鲁却不会，她又和往常一样讲了个笑话：“我打你是因为你受得住，”她说，“我没法像打你那样打你的小兄弟，因为他就是个瘦弱的小棍儿，一打就折了。但你不一样，上帝创造了你那个可以挨揍的屁股。”尽管她在开玩笑，我还是能感觉出来，她之所以不打安德鲁，是因为她的心理发生了真实的变化，学到了教训，而且说来也奇怪，这个教训竟然还是从我身上学到的。

I saw, more than anything, that relationships are not sustained by violence but by love. Love is a creative act. When you love someone you create a new world for them. My mother did that for me, and with the progress I made and the things I learned, I came back and created a new world and a new understanding for her. After that, she never raised her hand to her children again. Unfortunately, by the time she stopped, Abel had started.

更重要的是，我发现维系人与人之间关系的并非暴力，而是爱。爱是有创造力的行为。当你爱一个人的时候，就为他创造出了一个新世界。我妈就是那样对我的，然后我用我所有获得的进步，所有学到的知识，回过头来为她创造出了一个崭新的世界，给她提供了崭新的视角。从那儿以后，她再也没对自己的孩子动过手。但不幸的是，她停了以后，亚伯开始了。

I grew up in a world of violence, but I myself was never violent at all. Yes, I played pranks and set fires and broke windows, but I never attacked people. I never hit anyone. I was never angry. I just didn’t see myself that way. My mother had exposed me to a different world than the one she grew up in. She bought me the books she never got to read. She took me to the schools that she never got to go to. I immersed myself in those worlds and I came back looking at the world a different way. I saw that not all families are violent. I saw the futility of violence, the cycle that just repeats itself, the damage that’s inflicted on people that they in turn inflict on others.

我在充满暴力的世界中长大，但是我自己却一点儿都不暴力。是的，我爱搞恶作剧，爱玩儿火，砸别人窗户，但是我从来不会攻击人。我从来没打过人。我也从来不会生气。我从不认为自己会做那样的事。我的母亲给我营造了一个和她的成长环境完全不同的世界。她给我买那些她小时候没机会读的书。她送我去她从来没机会去读的学校。我身处于这样的世界之中，让我看待世界的眼光发生了变化。我看到，并不是所有的家庭都充满暴力。我看到了暴力的徒劳，看到它不过是恶性循环，看到一个人受到了别人的伤害，会去以伤害他人的方式讨要回来。

In all the times I received beatings from my mom, I was never scared of her. I didn’t like it, certainly. When she said, “I hit you out of love,” I didn’t necessarily agree with her thinking. But I understood that it was discipline and it was being done for a purpose. The first time Abel hit me I felt something I had never felt before. I felt terror.

尽管我被我妈打了那么多次，但我从来不畏惧她。当然我并不喜欢挨揍。她说“我揍你是因为我爱你”，我虽然不太同意这个观点，但是我理解她是在训诫我，她揍我全都事出有因。可亚伯第一次揍我的时候，我感受到了一种从未感受过的东西。我感受到了恐惧。

I was in grade six, my last year at Maryvale. We’d moved to Highlands North, and I’d gotten in trouble at school for forging my mom’s signature on some document; there was some activity I didn’t want to participate in, so I’d signed the release in her name to get out of it. The school called my mom, and she asked me about it when I got home that afternoon. I was certain she was going to punish me, but this turned out to be one of those times when she didn’t care. She said I should have just asked her; she would have signed the form anyway. Then Abel, who’d been sitting in the kitchen with us, watching the whole thing, said, “Hey, can I talk to you for a second?” Then he took me into this tiny room, a walk-in pantry off the kitchen, and he closed the door behind us.

那年我读六年级，是我在玛丽威尔的最后一年，我们家已经搬到了高地北，我因为伪造我妈的签字，在学校惹了麻烦：有个活动我不想参加，于是就在假条上签了她的名字。学校给我妈打了电话，那天下午我放学到家后，她问我是怎么回事。我当时几乎肯定她马上要惩罚我，但结果她并不在意这件事，而是告诉我，我当时应该直接跟她说，她会帮我签字。这时，一直和我们一起坐在厨房里的亚伯，旁听了整个对话后，对我说，“嘿，我能跟你借一步说话吗？”他把我带进了厨房旁边的食品储藏室，那是一个非常狭小的空间，然后把门从背后锁上了。

He was standing between me and the door, but I didn’t think anything of it. It didn’t occur to me to be scared. Abel had never tried to discipline me before. He’d never even given me a lecture. It was always “Mbuyi, your son did this,” and then my mother would handle it. And this was the middle of the afternoon. He was completely sober, which made what happened next all the more terrifying.

他挡在我和门之间，但我脑中还是没有料想到后面会发生的事。我并不觉得此时我该感觉害怕。亚伯之前从来没有惩罚过我，甚至没有对我训过话。他总是对我妈说：“努比，你儿子干了这件事。”然后，让我妈来处理我。此刻是下午，他处于完全清醒的状态，所以也让接下来发生的事更显恐怖。

“Why did you forge your mother’s signature?” he said.

“为什么你要伪造你妈的签名？”他问。

“Don’t lie to me. Why did you forge your mom’s signature?”

“别对我撒谎。为什么你要伪造你妈的签名？”

I started stammering out more bullshit, oblivious to what was coming, and then out of nowhere it came.

我开始磕磕巴巴地编更多的瞎话，完全没留意接下来会发生的事，一切就那么突然地发生了。

The first blow hit me in the ribs. My mind flashed: It’s a trap! I’d never been in a fight before, had never learned how to fight, but I had this instinct that told me to get in close. I had seen what those long arms could do. I’d seen him take down my mom, but more important, I’d seen him take down grown men. Abel never hit people with a punch; I never saw him punch another person with a closed fist. But he had this ability to hit a grown man across his face with an open hand and they’d crumple. He was that strong. I looked at his arms and I knew, Don’t be on the other end of those things. I ducked in close and he kept hitting and hitting, but I was in too tight for him to land any solid blows. Then he caught on and he stopped hitting and started trying to grapple and wrestle me. He did this thing where he grabbed the skin on my arms and pinched it between his thumb and forefinger and twisted hard. Jesus, that hurt.

第一下打在了我的肋骨上。我脑中一闪而过一个念头：这是陷阱！我之前从来没打过架，也不知道该怎么打架，但是我的直觉告诉我要贴上去。我知道他那两个长胳膊能干出怎样的事来，我见过他把我妈打趴下，更可怕的是，我见过他把成年男人打趴下。亚伯从来不用拳头打人，我也从没见过他握紧拳头揍人。但是他有那种一掌拍在一个成年男人脸上，就让对方倒地不起的本事。他就是那么强壮。我看着他的胳膊，心想，不能身处于这两根长胳膊的末端位置。我迅速蜷身向前，他一直打一直打，但是我挨他挨得太紧了，他的拳头始终不能结实地落在我身上。他明白过来后，不再打我，而是试图抓着我摔跤。他一边和我扭打，一边捏住我胳膊上的皮肤，用大拇指和食指掐住，并扭着揪起来。老天，简直太疼了。

I started making up some excuse. “Oh, I, uh, forgot to bring the form home –“

我开始编造理由：“哦，我，呃，我忘把请假表格带回家了——”

Abel was much bigger and stronger than me, but being in a confined space was to my advantage because he didn’t have the room to maneuver. As he grappled and punched I somehow managed to twist and wriggle my way around him and slip out the door. I was quick, but Abel was quick as well. He chased me. I ran out of the house and jumped over the gate, and I ran and I ran and I ran. The last time I turned around he was rounding the gate, coming out of the yard after me. Until I turned twenty-five years old, I had a recurring nightmare of the look on his face as he came around that corner.

亚伯比我高大太多，也强壮太多，但是我们身处于一个狭小的空间之内，反而成了我的优势，因为没有足够的空间供他施展。当他揪着我打的时候，我努力扭身挪蹭到了他的身后，拧开门栓跑了出去。我速度很快，但是亚伯也很快。他在后面追我。我冲出房子，跳过大门，拼了命地跑啊跑。在路尽头拐最后一个弯之前，我回头看了一眼，他正在大门附近，冲出院子来追我。在我25岁之前，我一直会重复做一个噩梦，梦里就是他冲向街角来追我的那张脸。

It was the most terrifying moment of my life. I had never been that scared before, ever. Because there was no purpose to it — that’s what made it so terrifying. It wasn’t discipline. Nothing about it was coming from a place of love. It didn’t feel like something that would end with me learning a lesson about forging my mom’s signature. It felt like something that would end when he wanted it to end, when his rage was spent. It felt like there was something inside him that wanted to destroy me.

那是我人生中经历过的最可怕的时刻。我此前从未如此恐惧过，从来没有。因为他暴打我没有任何理由——这才是最让人害怕的地方。他不是在训诫我。所有这一切都不是出于爱的前提。我觉得哪怕我此刻求饶说我知道教训了，再也不会伪造我妈的签名，这一切也不会停止。我感觉只有当他想停的时候，当他的怒气发泄完的时候，一切才会停下来。我感觉，他体内有一股想要摧毁我的欲望。

You don’t have to teach me a lesson twice. From that day until the day I left home, I lived like a mouse in that house. If Abel was in a room, I was out of the room. If he was in one corner, I was in the other corner. If he walked into a room, I would get up and act like I was going to the kitchen, then when I reentered the room, I would make sure I was close to the exit. He could be in the happiest, friendliest mood. Didn’t matter. Never again did I let him come between me and a door. Maybe a couple of times after that I was sloppy and he’d land a punch or a kick before I could get away, but I never trusted him again, not for a moment.

一件事你不用教我两遍。从那天起，直到我离开家以前，我都活得像一只老鼠。如果亚伯在房间里，我就在房间外面。如果他在这个角落，我就在另一个角落。如果他走进我身处的房间，我就立刻起身，假装要去厨房，然后再折回来，确保自己在离出口最近的屋子。哪怕他心情超好，看起来特别开心，我也一样，我决不会让他再挡在我和门之间。可能后来还有几次，以为我放松了警惕，他在我跑掉之前打了我一拳，或踢了我一脚，但我再也没相信过他，一秒钟都没信过。

The moment I saw him I put my head down and ran. I ran like the Devil was chasing me. Abel was bigger and faster, but this was my neighborhood. You couldn’t catch me in my neighborhood. I knew every alley and every street, every wall to climb over, every fence to slip through. I was ducking through traffic, cutting through yards. I have no idea when he gave up because I never looked back. I ran and ran and ran, as far as my legs would carry me. I was in Bramley, three neighborhoods away, before I stopped. I found a hiding place in some bushes and crawled inside and huddled there for what felt like hours.

看到他的那一刻，我立刻低下头开始继续跑，就好像后面是魔鬼在追我那样跑。亚伯比我壮，比我快，但这里是我的地盘。你无法在我的地盘上逮到我。我知道每一条小巷，每一条街道，每一堵可以翻过去的围墙，每一扇可以侧身挤过去的栅栏。我在车流间闪避穿行，穿过别人家的院子。我不知道他是什么时候停止追我的，因为我没有回头看。我跑啊跑，跑到我这两条腿所能达到的极限。终于停下脚步的时候，我已经身处布拉姆利了，那是三个街区以外的地方。我找了一个灌木丛，爬了进去，在里面藏了几个小时。

It was different for Andrew. Andrew was Abel’s son, flesh of his flesh, blood of his blood. Despite being nine years younger than me, Andrew was really the eldest son in that house, Abel’s firstborn, and that accorded him a respect that I and even my mother never enjoyed. And Andrew had nothing but love for that man, despite his shortcomings. Because of that love, I think, out of all of us, Andrew was the only one who wasn’t afraid. He was the lion tamer, only he’d been raised by the lion — he couldn’t love the beast any less despite knowing what it was capable of. For me, the first glint of anger or madness from Abel and I was gone. Andrew would stay and try to talk Abel down. He’d even get between Abel and Mom. I remember one night when Abel threw a bottle of Jack Daniel’s at Andrew’s head. It just missed him and exploded on the wall. Which is to say that Andrew stayed long enough to get the bottle thrown at him. I wouldn’t have stuck around long enough for Abel to get a bead on me.

安德鲁不一样。安德鲁是亚伯的儿子，身上流着他的血，长着他的肉。尽管安德鲁比我小九岁，但他才是家里真正的长子，是亚伯的第一个儿子，这为他在亚伯那儿赢得了一种我和我妈都享受不到的尊重。尽管亚伯身上有很多缺点，但安德鲁真心爱他的父亲。因为这份爱，我想，在我们之中，安德鲁是唯一一个不害怕亚伯的人。他是驯狮者，只不过他自己就是由狮子养大的——哪怕他知道狮子的危险，他对狮子的爱也不会少一分一毫。对我来说，只要我瞥见亚伯有一丝丝生气或发怒的迹象，我就跑，安德鲁会留下来，试图安抚亚伯让他平静下来。他甚至会在亚伯和妈妈之间劝架。我记得有一天晚上，亚伯往安德鲁头上丢了一瓶杰克丹尼威士忌，那瓶酒擦着安德鲁的头飞了过去，砸到他身后的墙上。也就是说，安德鲁一直待在原地，瓶子冲他砸过来时他都没跑。换成我的话，早就在亚伯瞄准之前溜之大吉了。

When Mighty Mechanics went under, Abel had to get his cars out. Someone was taking over the property; there were liens against his assets. It was a mess. That’s when he started running his workshop out of our yard. It’s also when my mother divorced him.

大力机修倒闭之后，亚伯得把他的那堆车弄出来。有人接管了厂子，但他对里面的资产还有留置权。简直一团糟。从那时起，他把这项修车事业搬进了我们的后院。也是在那时，我妈和他离了婚。

In African culture there’s legal marriage and traditional marriage. Just because you divorce someone legally doesn’t mean they are no longer your spouse. Once Abel’s debts and his terrible business decisions started impacting my mother’s credit and her ability to support her sons, she wanted out. “I don’t have debts,” she said. “I don’t have bad credit. I’m not doing these things with you.” We were still a family and they were still traditionally married, but she divorced him in order to separate their financial affairs. She also took her name back.

在非洲风俗中，有法定婚姻，也有传统婚姻。你和某人在法律上离了婚，并不说明他不再是你的伴侣。亚伯的债务和他糟糕的生意决策，开始影响到我母亲的信用额度以及她抚育我们的能力之后，她想要退出这段关系。“我不要负债，”她说，“我不要不良信用。我不能和你一起分担这些。”但我们依然是一家人，他俩在传统意义上还是夫妻，只是为了把各自的账务分开，他们离了婚，而且她也不再冠夫姓。

Because Abel had started running an unlicensed business in a residential area, one of the neighbors filed a petition to get rid of us. My mom applied for a license to be able to operate a business on the property. The workshop stayed, but Abel kept running it into the ground, drinking his money. At the same time, my mother started moving up at the real-estate company she worked for, taking on more responsibilities and earning a better salary. His workshop became like a side hobby almost. He was supposed to pay for Andrew’s school fees and groceries, but he started falling behind even on that, and soon my mom was paying for everything. She paid the electricity. She paid the mortgage. He literally contributed nothing.

亚伯在居民区经营的修车生意没有获得执照，结果一个邻居举报了我们，想把我们赶走。于是，我妈去申请了营业执照，让亚伯可以继续在家里接活儿。修车坊是保住了，但亚伯依然经营得一团糟，而且还是把赚来的那点儿钱全买了酒。与此同时，我妈自己在房地产公司的工作却不断晋升，身上的责任越来越重，薪水也越来越高。相比之下，亚伯的修车坊几乎变成了一项业余爱好。他本应承担安德鲁的学费，给家里买日用品，但是很快，他连这笔钱也拿不出来了，没办法，我妈开始负担家里的一切开销，电费由她来付，房贷也由她来还。亚伯对这个家毫无贡献。

That was the turning point. When my mother started making more money and getting her independence back — that’s when we saw the dragon emerge. The drinking got worse. He grew more and more violent. It wasn’t long after coming for me in the pantry that Abel hit my mom for the second time. I can’t recall the details of it, because now it’s muddled with all the other times that came after it. I do remember that the police were called. They came out to the house this time, but again it was like a boys’ club. “Hey, guys. These women, you know how they are.” No report was made. No charges were filed.

转折点就是这时候出现的。我母亲开始挣更多的钱，重新获得了生活上的独立以后，我们一点点地看着家中那个恶魔缓缓现出了原形。亚伯的酗酒问题越发严重，也变得越来越有暴力倾向。在他把我堵在食品储藏室揍我那件事发生不久以后，亚伯第二次打了我妈妈。我不太记得清具体细节了，因为在我的记忆中，那次和之后不久又反复发生的很多次家暴混在了一次。那一次，警察上门了，只是依然表现得像是兄弟会一样。“嘿，伙计们，这些女人，你们懂得她们是啥样。”没有留下案底，没有起诉。

“Pray for Abel,” she’d say. “Because he doesn’t hate us. He hates himself.”

“为亚伯祈祷吧，”她说，“因为他并不恨我们。他恨的是他自己。”

Whenever he’d hit her or come after me, my mom would find me crying afterward and take me aside. She’d give me the same talk every time.

每次亚伯打了她，或者试图要打我，我妈都会在事后找到哭泣的我，把我拉到一边，而且每次都会跟我说同样的话。

To a kid this makes no sense. “Well, if he hates himself,” I’d say, “why doesn’t he kick himself?”

对一个孩子来说，这话毫无逻辑。“好吧，如果他恨他自己，”我会说，“他为啥不打自己？”

Abel was one of those drinkers where once he was gone you’d look into his eyes and you didn’t even see the same person. I remember one night he came home fuckdrunk, stumbling through the house. He stumbled into my room, muttering to himself, and I woke up to see him whip out his dick and start pissing on the floor. He thought he was in the bathroom. That’s how drunk he would get — he wouldn’t know which room in the house he was in. There were so many nights he would stumble into my room thinking it was his and kick me out of bed and pass out. I’d yell at him, but it was like talking to a zombie. I’d go sleep on the couch.

亚伯喝醉以后，如果你盯着他的眼睛看，会发现他完全变成了另一个人。我记得有天晚上，他烂醉如泥地回到家，踉踉跄跄穿过整个屋子，来到我的房间，还一边喃喃自语。我被吵醒后，结果发现他正拉下裤子，对着我房间的墙撒尿。他以为他在厕所。他就是能醉成这种样子——分不清自己身处哪个房间。有好多个晚上，他都跌跌撞撞地走到我的房间，以为是他自己的房间，把我从床上踢下去，自己一头栽倒在床上。我会冲他大叫，但是就像和僵尸对话一样没用。我只能去睡沙发。

He’d get wasted with his crew in the backyard every evening after work, and many nights he’d end up fighting with one of them. Someone would say something Abel didn’t like, and he’d beat the shit out of him. The guy wouldn’t show up for work Tuesday or Wednesday, but then by Thursday he’d be back because he needed the job. Every few weeks it was the same story, like clockwork.

每天傍晚下班后，他都要和员工在后院喝个烂醉，而且很多次喝到晚上后，他还会和其中某个人打起来。有人说了什么亚伯不爱听的话，他就会对那人一顿拳脚相加。然后那个人可能接下来的周二周三都不会来干活，但到周四又会出现，因为他需要这份工作。每隔几周，这场景就会重复一遍，像走钟一样。

Abel kicked the dogs, too. Fufi, mostly. Panther was smart enough to stay away, but dumb, lovable Fufi was forever trying to be Abel’s friend. She’d cross his path or be in his way when he’d had a few, and he’d give her the boot. After that she’d go and hide somewhere for a while. Fufi getting kicked was always the warning sign that shit was about to go down. The dogs and the workers in the yard often got the first taste of his anger, and that would let the rest of us know to lie low. I’d usually go find Fufi wherever she was hiding and be with her.

亚伯还会踢我们的狗，主要打芙菲。豹子很聪明，会躲得远远的。但是又笨又可爱的芙菲，总是想和亚伯做朋友。亚伯喝多的时候，如果芙菲从他面前经过，或者挡了他的路，他会上去就是一脚。芙菲则会跑掉，躲起来。如果芙菲被打了，那就是一个警示信号，马上就会有不好的事情要发生。狗和后院的工人，总是会首当其冲地承受亚伯的怒火，我们其他人则会立刻保持沉默低调。我总是会去找芙菲，在她躲起来的地方陪她躲着。

The strange thing was that when Fufi got kicked she never yelped or cried. When the vet diagnosed her as deaf, he also found out she had some condition where she didn’t have a fully developed sense of touch. She didn’t feel pain. Which was why she would always start over with Abel like it was a new day. He’d kick her, she’d hide, then she’d be right back the next morning, wagging her tail. “Hey. I’m here. I’ll give you another chance.”

奇怪的是，芙菲被踢了以后，从来不会吠叫，或悲泣。兽医诊断出她耳聋之后，还发现它的触感也没有发育完全。她感受不到疼。这也是为什么她第二天还能像之前那样对待亚伯。他踢她，她躲起来，第二天早晨，又会摇着尾巴出现在他面前。“嘿，我在这儿。我再给你一次机会，和我做朋友吧。”

There was an undercurrent of terror that ran through the house, but the actual beatings themselves were not that frequent. I think if they had been, the situation would have ended sooner. Ironically, the good times in between were what allowed it to drag out and escalate as far as it did. He hit my mom once, then the next time was three years later, and it was just a little bit worse. Then it was two years later, and it was just a little bit worse. Then it was a year later, and it was just a little bit worse. It was sporadic enough to where you’d think it wouldn’t happen again, but it was frequent enough that you never forgot it was possible. There was a rhythm to it. I remember one time, after one terrible incident, nobody spoke to him for over a month. No words, no eye contact, no conversations, nothing. We moved through the house as strangers, at different times. Complete silent treatment. Then one morning you’re in the kitchen and there’s a nod. “Hey.” “Hey.” Then a week later it’s “Did you see the thing on the news?” “Yeah.” Then the next week there’s a joke and a laugh. Slowly, slowly, life goes back to how it was. Six months, a year later, you do it all again.

在我们的房子下面，涌动着恐惧的暗流，但是真正的暴力事件并没有那么频繁。我想如果真的再频繁一些的话，这种情况也能早点儿结束。讽刺的是，每次家暴之间的那段平静时光，让这样的日子越拖越久，也令下一次家暴的严重程度逐渐升级。他这次打了我妈，下一次可能是三年后，而且打得更狠。再是两年后，又狠了一点儿。再接着是一年后，又狠了一些。每一次都发生得很分散，会让你觉得不会再有下一次，但是又会足够频繁到让你永远无法忘记这件事的存在。这里面是有节奏的。我记得有一次，又发生一件可怕的事之后，一个月里都没人跟他说话。一声不吭，没有眼神交流，没有任何对话，什么都没有。我们像陌生人一样住在同一个房子里，尽量错开时间，避免接触。我们完全不理他。但后来的某个早晨，你们在厨房里，互相点了点头。“嗨。”“嗨。”一周以后，“你看新闻上那件事儿了吗？”“是啊。”又过了一周，开始有了玩笑话，大家一起笑了。慢慢地，慢慢地，日子又回到了以前的样子。过了六个月，或者一年，同样的事情再来一遍。

And he always got the second chance. The Abel who was likable and charming never went away. He had a drinking problem, but he was a nice guy. We had a family. Growing up in a home of abuse, you struggle with the notion that you can love a person you hate, or hate a person you love. It’s a strange feeling. You want to live in a world where someone is good or bad, where you either hate them or love them, but that’s not how people are.

亚伯总能得到第二次机会。亚伯身上那种招人喜爱又迷人的人格从未消失过。他酗酒，但他同时是个好人。我们曾是一家人。成长于一个充斥着家暴的家庭中，你会发现自己会爱自己恨的人，或恨自己爱的人，在这两者之间不停地徘徊挣扎。这是一种奇怪的感觉。你希望生活在一个好人坏人分明的世界里，要么恨他们，要么爱他们，但是人类并非这样的物种。

“This man is unbelievable,” she said.

“这个人简直难以置信，”她说。

Not long after that, I moved out. The atmosphere had become toxic for me. I’d reached the point where I was as big as Abel. Big enough to punch back. A father does not fear retribution from his son, but I was not his son. He knew that. The analogy my mom used was that there were now two male lions in the house. “Every time he looks at you he sees your father,” she’d say. “You’re a constant reminder of another man. He hates you, and you need to leave. You need to leave before you become like him.”

那之后不久，我从家里搬出去了。家里的气氛变得越来越有毒性，而我已经长得和亚伯一样强壮，强壮到足以反击回去。父亲不会惧怕儿子的反击，但我不是他的儿子。他很清楚这一点。我妈常用的类比是，家里有两头公狮子。“每次他看着你，都能从你身上看到你父亲的影子，”她说，“你的存在会一直提醒他另一个男人的存在。他讨厌你，你需要离开了。你得赶紧离开，免得变成像他一样的人。”

A gun was such a ridiculous thing in my world. In my mind, only cops and criminals had guns. Abel had gone out and bought a 9mm Parabellum Smith & Wesson. Sleek and black, menacing. It didn’t look cool like guns in movies. It looked like it killed things.

在我的世界里，枪的存在实在是太荒唐了。在我脑海中，只有警察和罪犯才有枪。亚伯买了一把口径9毫米、使用帕拉贝鲁子弹的史密斯维森左轮手枪。光洁的黑色，非常具有威胁性，看上去一点儿也不像电影里那种很酷的手枪，而是像一把杀人的枪。

“He bought a gun.”

“他买了一把枪。”

“What? A gun? What do you mean, ‘He bought a gun’?”

“什么？一把枪？你说‘他买了一把枪’，是什么意思？”

“What happened?”

“发生什么了？”

“Why did he buy a gun?” I asked.

“他为什么要买枪？”我问道。

“I don’t know.”

“我不知道。”

She said she’d confronted him about it, and he’d gone off on some nonsense about the world needing to learn to respect him.

她说她问过原因，但他瞎说了一通什么世界要学会尊重他的屁话。

“He thinks he’s the policeman of the world,” she said. “And that’s the problem with the world. We have people who cannot police themselves, so they want to police everyone else around them.”

“他以为他是世界警察，”她说，“但是世界的问题恰恰就在这里。我们身边有太多人连自己都管不好，却总想着去管教身边的其他人。”

One afternoon I came home from Sandringham and my mom was very upset and worked up.

有一天下午，我从桑德林汉姆放学回家，我妈妈看上去非常难过，慌乱不安。

“Trevor,” she said. “I’m pregnant.”

“特雷弗，”她说。“我怀孕了。”

It was also just time for me to go. Regardless of Abel, our plan had always been for me to move out after school. My mother never wanted me to be like my uncle, one of those men, unemployed and still living at home with his mother. She helped me get my flat, and I moved out. The flat was only ten minutes away from the house, so I was always around to drop in to help with errands or have dinner once in a while. But, most important, whatever was going on with Abel, I didn’t have to be involved.

说实话，我也确实该离开了。不管有没有亚伯，我们的计划本来就是高中毕业后从家里搬出去。我妈不希望我变成我舅舅那样的无业游民，成天住在自己母亲家。她帮我找了那间公寓，我搬了出去。原来的家离我的新住所只有十分钟的路程，所以我经常回家帮忙干点活儿，偶尔一起吃个饭。最重要的是，不管亚伯再犯什么事，我都不会受到影响了。

At some point my mom moved to a separate bedroom in the house, and from then on they were married in name only, not even cohabitating but coexisting. That state of affairs lasted a year, maybe two. Andrew had turned nine, and in my world I was counting down until he turned eighteen, thinking that would finally free my mom from this abusive man. Then one afternoon my mom called and asked me to come by the house. A few hours later, I popped by.

后来，我妈搬到了隔壁卧室去住，从那时起，他们变成了名义上的夫妻，不算同居，只能算同处一个屋檐下。这样的情形持续了一年还是两年。安德鲁已经快九岁了，我一直在等着他长到18岁，因为到了那时，我妈就能从这个家暴男的魔爪中解脱出来。有一天下午，我母亲给我打了电话，让我回家一趟。几个小时后，我来了。

“Sorry, what?”

“什么，什么？”

“I’m pregnant.”

“我怀孕了。”

“What?!”

“什么？！”

Good Lord, I was furious. I was so angry. She herself seemed resolute, as determined as ever, but with an undertone of sadness I had never seen before, like the news had devastated her at first but she’d since reconciled herself to the reality of it.

老的天，我简直怒火中烧，简直太生气了。她自己看上去很坚决，和以前一样下定了决心，但是脸上又笼罩着一层淡淡的忧伤，这是我从未见过的样子。好像这件事在一开始就把她击垮了，但是她又很快调整自己，接受了这个事实。

“How could you let this happen?”

“你怎么能让这种事发生？”

“Abel and I, we made up. I moved back into the bedroom. It was just one night, and then… I became pregnant. I don’t know how.”

“亚伯和我…我们做了。我搬回了他的卧室，就那一晚，然后…我就怀孕了。我也不知道怎么回事。”

She didn’t know. She was forty-four years old. She’d had her tubes tied after Andrew. Even her doctor had said, “This shouldn’t be possible. We don’t know how this happened.”

她的确不知道是怎么回事。她当时已经44岁，而生完安德鲁以后，她就去做了输卵管结扎。她的医生也说：“这不可能啊。我们也不知道怎么会发生这样的事。”

“God spoke to me, Trevor. He told me, ‘Patricia, I don’t do anything by mistake. There is nothing I give you that you cannot handle.’ I’m pregnant for a reason. I know what kind of kids I can make. I know what kind of sons I can raise. I can raise this child. I will raise this child.”

“上帝跟我说话了，特雷弗。他对我说，‘帕特莉莎，我做出的决定不会错，我让这件事在你身上发生，你就一定能承受。’我怀孕是有原因的。我知道我生出的孩子是什么样。我知道我抚养的孩子是什么样。我可以抚养这个孩子。我要养大这个孩子。”

“So you’re going to have this child with this man? You’re going to stay with this man another eighteen years? Are you crazy?”

“所以你要给这个男人再生一个孩子？你要在这个男人身边再待18年？你疯了吗？”

I was boiling with rage. All we had to do was wait for Andrew to grow up, and it was going to be over, and now it was like she’d re-upped on the contract.

熊熊的怒火在我的胸中升腾。我们本来只需要等着安德鲁长大，这样的日子就会结束，但是现在就好像她续签了合同。

Isaac’s birth pushed me even further away. I visited less and less. Then I popped by one afternoon and the house was in chaos, police cars out front, the aftermath of another fight.

以撒的出生，让我离这个家越来越远。我越来越少回家。有一天下午，我回到家里后，看见房子里一片狼藉，警车停在屋前——另一场家暴刚刚结束。

Nine months later Isaac was born. She called him Isaac because in the Bible Sarah gets pregnant when she’s like a hundred years old and she’s not supposed to be having children and that’s what she names her son.

九个月后，以撒出生了。她叫他以撒，是因为在《圣经》中，萨拉在一百岁的时候怀孕了，她本不该怀上这个孩子，而那个孩子就叫以撒。

That time I confronted him. I was big enough now.

但这次，我直接上去和他对峙了。因为我已经长大了。

He’d hit her with a bicycle. Abel had been berating one of his workers in the yard, and my mom had tried to get between them. Abel was furious that she’d contradicted him in front of an employee, so he picked up Andrew’s bike and he beat her with it. Again she called the police, and the cops who showed up this time actually knew Abel. He’d fixed their cars. They were pals. No charges were filed. Nothing happened.

他用自行车打了她。亚伯在后院辱骂一个工人，我妈试图上前劝架。亚伯暴怒，她竟敢在他的手下面前反驳他，于是他抄起安德鲁的自行车，不停地朝她砸去。她又报了警，可来的警察认识亚伯，亚伯帮他们修过车。他们是好兄弟。所以依然没有指控。什么事都没有。

“You can’t keep doing this,” I said. “This is not right.”

“你不能一直这样，”我说，“这样做是不对的。”

He was apologetic. He always was. He didn’t puff out his chest and get defensive or anything like that.

他表现出抱歉的样子。他总是这样。他没有气得呼吸急促，也没有心存戒备。

After the bicycle, my mom hired contractors she knew through the real-estate business to build her a separate house in the backyard, like a little servants’ quarters, and she moved in there with Isaac.

自行车事件之后，我妈从自己在房地产公司的人脉里找了一个建筑商，给她在后院建了一个独立的小屋，就好像那种用人房，她带着以撒搬了进去。

“This is the most insane thing I’ve ever seen,” I told her.

“这是我见过最匪夷所思的事了。”我告诉她。

“I know,” he said. “I’m sorry. I don’t like doing these things, but you know how your mom is. She can talk a lot and she doesn’t listen. I feel like your mom doesn’t respect me sometimes. She came and disrespected me in front of my workers. I can’t have these other men looking at me like I don’t know how to control my wife.”

“我知道，”他说，“对不起。我也不想这样的，但是你知道你妈是什么样的人。她总是一直说一直说，不愿意听别人说什么。我觉得你母亲有时候不尊重我。她在我的工人面前都不尊重我。我不能让其他男人看到我连老婆都管不住。”

“This is all I can do,” she said. “The police won’t help me. The government won’t protect me. Only my God can protect me. But what I can do is use against him the one thing that he cherishes, and that is his pride. By me living outside in a shack, everyone is going to ask him, ‘Why does your wife live in a shack outside your house?’ He’s going to have to answer that question, and no matter what he says, everyone will know that something is wrong with him. He loves to live for the world. Let the world see him for who he is. He’s a saint in the streets. He’s a devil in this house. Let him be seen for who he is.”

“我只能这么做，”她说，“警察不帮我。政府也保护不了我。只有我的上帝能保护我。我能反抗的方式，就是反抗他最宝贵的东西——他的尊严。我住在隔壁的小屋里，所有人都会去问他：‘为什么你老婆住在房子外面的小屋里？’他会不得不回答这个问题，但不管他说什么，人们都会明白，是他自己有问题。他喜欢让这个世界的人都爱他，那么就让这个世界的人认识认识他是什么人好了。他是这条街上的圣人，也是这个家里的魔鬼。让他承受这样的眼光吧。”

I didn’t understand what she was going through. I didn’t understand domestic violence. I didn’t understand how adult relationships worked; I’d never even had a girlfriend. I didn’t understand how she could have sex with a man she hated and feared. I didn’t know how easily sex and hatred and fear can intertwine.

我不理解她正在经历的一切。我不理解家暴这件事。我不理解成人之间的关系，我甚至没交过女朋友。我不理解她怎么能和一个让她如此厌恶又惧怕的男人做爱。我不理解，性、仇恨与恐惧如何能够纠缠在一起难舍难分。

“Honey, I know what you’re going through,” she said. “At one point, I had to disown my family to go off and live my own life, too. I understand why you need to do the same.”

“亲爱的，我知道你经历的一切，”她说，“到了某个时候，我也会离开这个家，去过我自己的生活的。我理解你现在的做法。”

When my mom had decided to keep Isaac, I was so close to writing her off. I couldn’t stand the pain anymore. But seeing her hit with a bicycle, living like a prisoner in her own backyard, that was the final straw for me. I was a broken person. I was done.

我妈妈决定生以撒时，我差一点儿与她断了关系。因为我再也无法承受这样的痛苦了。而看着她被自行车一下下地砸在身上，看着她像犯人一样住在自家房子的后院里，则成了压垮我的最后一根稻草。我的心已经粉碎。我受够了。

“This thing?” I told her. “This dysfunctional thing? I won’t be a part of it. I can’t live this life with you. I refuse. You’ve made your decision. Good luck with your life. I’m going to live mine.”

“这种生活？”我对她说，“这种畸形的生活？我一刻也不想再参与了。我不能和你一起过这样的生活。我拒绝。你既然做了决定，那么祝你好运。我要去过我自己的生活了。”

She understood. She didn’t feel betrayed or abandoned at all.

她理解我，她并不觉得我背叛或抛弃了她。

So I did. I walked out. I didn’t call. I didn’t visit. Isaac came and I went, and for the life of me I could not understand why she wouldn’t do the same: leave. Just leave. Just fucking leave.

于是我就那么做了。我走了，再没有打电话回家，再没有回家看过她。以撒来了，我走了。从我的角度来说，我不能理解为什么她不能和我做一样的事：离开。只要离开。只要他妈的离开就行。

She never let me see us as victims. We were victims, me and my mom, Andrew and Isaac. Victims of apartheid. Victims of abuse. But I was never allowed to think that way, and I didn’t see her life that way. Cutting my father out of our lives to pacify Abel, that was her choice. Supporting Abel’s workshop was her choice. Isaac was her choice. She had the money, not him. She wasn’t dependent. So in my mind, she was the one making the decision.

她从来不让我觉得我们是受害者。但我们就是受害者。我、她、安德鲁和以撒，我们是种族隔离的受害者、家暴的受害者。但她从来不让我那么想，于是我也不会这么去看待她的人生。为了取悦亚伯，把我父亲从我们的生活中剔除出去，是她的选择。支持亚伯的修车行，是她的选择。以撒，是她的选择。她能挣钱，他不能。她并非依附于丈夫身上的女人。所以在我心中，她才应该是那个做决定的人。

It is so easy, from the outside, to put the blame on the woman and say, “You just need to leave.” It’s not like my home was the only home where there was domestic abuse. It’s what I grew up around. I saw it in the streets of Soweto, on TV, in movies. Where does a woman go in a society where that is the norm? When the police won’t help her? When her own family won’t help her? Where does a woman go when she leaves one man who hits her and is just as likely to wind up with another man who hits her, maybe even worse than the first? Where does a woman go when she’s single with three kids and she lives in a society that makes her a pariah for being a manless woman? Where she’s seen as a whore for doing that? Where does she go? What does she do?

从外人的角度指责这个女人，说“你走不就行了”，实在太容易。我的家庭并不是唯一一个发生过家暴的家庭。在我的成长过程中，周围经常有这样的事。在索韦托的街道上，在电视里，电影里，我看到过无数次家暴。如果这是社会范例，那一个女人能去哪儿？当警察都不肯帮她的时候，当她自己的家人都不肯帮她的时候，她能去哪儿？离开那个打他的男人，找到第二个男人很可能还是会打她，而且比第一个更凶的时候，她能去哪儿呢？当一个女人带着三个孩子，而周围的社会会给没有丈夫的女人打上贱民的标签时，她能去哪儿呢？当所有人都会觉得她是个荡妇，她能去哪儿呢？她能怎么做呢？

I was angry with my mom. I hated him, but I blamed her. I saw Abel as a choice she’d made, a choice she was continuing to make. My whole life, telling me stories about growing up in the homelands, being abandoned by her parents, she had always said, “You cannot blame anyone else for what you do. You cannot blame your past for who you are. You are responsible for you. You make your own choices.”

我生我妈的气。我恨亚伯，但我责备的人是她。我认为亚伯是她选择的人，而且一直反复都选择了他。在我的成长过程中，她一直给我讲她如何被父母抛弃，在黑人家园长大的事，她总是说：“你自己做的事，不能怪到别人头上。你现在是什么样的人，也不能怪你的过去。你要对你自己负责。你要自己给自己做决定。”

“Why? Why don’t you just leave?”

“为什么？为什么你就是不离开呢？”

But I didn’t comprehend any of that at the time. I was a boy with a boy’s understanding of things. I distinctly remember the last time we argued about it, too. It was sometime after the bicycle, or when she was moving into her shack in the backyard. I was going off, begging her for the thousandth time.

但是，当时我完全理解不到这些。我还是个孩子，想问题用的还是孩子的逻辑。我清楚地记得我们最后一次为这件事而起的争执。那是在自行车事件之后不久，或是她刚搬到后院的小屋的时候，我又暴跳如雷地求了她第一千遍。

She shook her head. “Oh, baby. No, no, no. I can’t leave.”

她摇摇头。“哦，宝贝。不行，不行，不行，我不能离开。”

“Why not?”

“为什么不能？”

Eventually she did leave. What prompted her to leave, what the final breaking point was, I have no idea. I was gone. I was off becoming a comedian, touring the country, playing shows in England, hosting radio shows, hosting television shows. I’d moved in with my cousin Mlungisi and made my own life separate from hers. I couldn’t invest myself anymore, because it would have broken me into too many pieces. But one day she bought another house in Highlands North, met someone new, and moved on with her life. Andrew and Isaac still saw their dad, who, by that point, was just existing in the world, still going through the same cycle of drinking and fighting, still living in a house paid for by his ex-wife.

但最终，她还是离开了。至于到底是什么促使她离开，最后一根稻草是什么，我已无从得知。我早离开了。我成了一名喜剧演员，到全国巡回演出，去英国演出，主持电台节目，主持电视节目。我和我的表兄穆隆格斯住在一起，把我的生活和我母亲的生活彻底分开了。我不能再参与她的生活，因为那会将我伤得粉碎。但是有一天，她在高地北买了另一处房子，遇到了另一个人，过上了新的生活。安德鲁和以撒还是可以见到自己的父亲，那个时候，他依然出现在她的周围，依然循环着酗酒和打架的日子，依然住在前妻买的房子里。

“Because if I leave he’ll kill us.”

“如果我离开，他会杀了我们。”

She wasn’t being dramatic. She didn’t raise her voice. She said it totally calm and matter-of-fact, and I never asked her that question again.

她没有在夸张。她没有抬高声音。说出这句话时，她极度平静，仿佛是在说一个既定的事实。之后，我便再也没有提过这个问题。

I looked over at my phone. It was flashing my mom’s number, but when I answered, it was Andrew on the other end. He sounded perfectly calm.

我看看手机，显示是我母亲的电话号码，当我接起来时，电话那头却是安德鲁。他的声音听上去特别平静。

“I’m sort of sleeping. Why?”

“我还有点儿困。怎么了？”

“Good. What’s up?”

“好啊。怎么了？”

Okay, so there were two strange things about the call. First, why would he ask me if I was busy? Let’s start there. When your mom’s been shot, the first line out of your mouth should be “Mom’s been shot.” Not “How are you?” Not “Are you busy?” That confused me. The second weird thing was when he said, “Mom’s been shot,” I didn’t ask, “Who shot her?” I didn’t have to. He said, “Mom’s been shot,” and my mind automatically filled in the rest: “Abel shot mom.”

好吧，关于这通电话，有两个诡异的地方。首先，他为什么要问我忙不忙？你妈妈中枪了，你嘴里说的第一句话应该是“妈妈中枪了”，而不应该是“你好吗”，也不应该是“你在忙吗”。这让我很困惑。第二个诡异的地方是，当他说出，“妈妈中枪了”，我没有问“谁开的枪”，我不用问。他说，“妈妈中枪了”，我的脑中自动填补了剩下的内容：“亚伯开枪打了妈妈。”

“How are you?”

“你好吗？”

“Are you busy?”

“你在忙吗？”

“Mom’s been shot.”

“妈妈中枪了。”

“Hey.”

“嘿。”

Years passed. Life carried on.

过了一些年。生活在继续。

Then one morning I was in bed around ten a. m. and my phone rang. It was on a Sunday. I know it was on a Sunday because everyone else in the family had gone to church and I, quite happily, had not. The days of endlessly schlepping back and forth to church were no longer my problem, and I was lazily sleeping in. The irony of my life is that whenever church is involved is when shit goes wrong, like getting kidnapped by violent minibus drivers. I’d always teased my mom about that, too. “This church thing of yours, all this Jesus, what good has come of it?”

有天早晨，差不多10点的样子，我还在床上，电话响了。那是个周日。我知道那是周日，因为家里的其他人都去教堂了，而我，超级开心地，不用去。那种整日在几个教堂之间来回穿梭的日子已经结束，我现在可以舒舒服服地睡个懒觉。我的生活里有一个很讽刺的巧合，只要涉及教堂，就总会出岔子，譬如那次被暴力的小巴司机挟持。我总是拿这个取笑我母亲。“你教堂的那些事儿，耶稣啊什么的，给你带来过什么好处吗？”

“Hey, Trevor, it’s Andrew.”

“嘿，特雷弗，我是安德鲁。”

“He shot her in her leg.”

“打在她腿上了。”

“But where? Where did he shoot her?”

“往哪儿开枪？他打到她哪儿了？”

“Oh, okay,” I said, relieved.

“哦，好。”我松了口气。

“We were on our way home from church,” he said, again totally calm. “And Dad was waiting for us at the house, and he got out of his car and started shooting.”

“我们在从教堂回家的路上，”他说，依然极度平静，“爸爸在门口等着我们，他从车里走出来，就开枪了。”

“Where are you now?” I said.

“你在哪儿？”我问。

“We’re at Linksfield Hospital.”

“我们在林克斯菲尔德医院。”

“Andrew, what happened?”

“安德鲁，到底发生什么了？”

At that point, I was upset but not terrified. Andrew had been so calm on the phone, no crying, no panic in his voice, so I was thinking, She must be okay. It must not be that bad. I called him back from the car to find out more.

当时我很难过，但是并不害怕。安德鲁在电话里那么平静，既没有哭，声音一点儿也不慌乱，所以我想她肯定没事，情况应该没有那么糟。我从车里又给安德鲁打了个电话，想了解更多的情况。

“Okay, I’m on my way.”

“好的，我这就出门。”

“And then he shot her in the head.”

“然后朝她的头开了一枪。”

When he said that, my body just let go. I remember the exact traffic light I was at. For a moment there was a complete vacuum of sound, and then I cried tears like I had never cried before. I collapsed in heaving sobs and moans. I cried as if every other thing I’d cried for in my life had been a waste of crying. I cried so hard that if my present crying self could go back in time and see my other crying selves, it would slap them and say, “That shit’s not worth crying for.” My cry was not a cry of sadness. It was not catharsis. It wasn’t me feeling sorry for myself. It was an expression of raw pain that came from an inability of my body to express that pain in any other way, shape, or form. She was my mom. She was my teammate. It had always been me and her together, me and her against the world. When Andrew said, “shot her in the head,” I broke in two.

听到这句话后，我的身体彻底软掉了。我现在还清楚地记得当时交通灯的颜色。那一刻，周围的声音都没了，仿佛进入了真空。我大哭起来，我从来没有这么哭过。我崩溃了，抽泣不已，浑身颤抖。我哭得好像我为之前做过的事流的眼泪都是被浪费的眼泪。我哭得特别厉害，此刻哭泣的我如果能够回到过去，看到以前那个为其他事情哭泣的我，一定会一巴掌扇过去，对过去的那些我说：“这点儿破事哪里值得你哭。”我哭并非出于悲伤，也不是在发泄，更不是在为自己伤心，而是在表达一种原始的伤痛，因为我的身体无法通过其他形式表达，所以我只能痛哭。她是我的妈妈，她是我的队友，从来都是我们两个人，是我和她在对抗整个世界。当安德鲁说出“朝她的头开了一枪”时，我碎成了两半。

I jumped out of bed, ran down the corridor, and banged on Mlungisi’s door. “Dude, my mom’s been shot! She’s in the hospital.” He jumped out of bed, too, and we got in the car and raced to the hospital, which luckily was only fifteen minutes away.

我从床上跳起来，跑到走廊里，使劲砸穆隆格斯的房门。“老兄，我妈妈中枪了！正在医院。”他也从床上跳下来，我们开上车绝尘而去。幸运的是，我们离医院只有15分钟的车程。

The light changed. I couldn’t even see the road, but I drove through the tears, thinking, Just get there, just get there, just get there. We pulled up to the hospital, and I jumped out of the car. There was an outdoor sitting area by the entrance to the emergency room. Andrew was standing there waiting for me, alone, his clothes smeared with blood. He still looked perfectly calm, completely stoic. Then the moment he looked up and saw me he broke down and started bawling. It was like he’d been holding it together the whole morning and then everything broke loose at once and he lost it. I ran to him and hugged him and he cried and cried. His cry was different from mine, though. My cry was one of pain and anger. His cry was one of helplessness.

交通灯变了。我已经哭得看不清路，只能在泪眼模糊中继续向前开，心里想着开到那儿，只要开到那儿，只要能开到那儿，就行。我们一停在医院门口，我就从车上跳了下来。急诊室门口有一片户外等待区。安德鲁正在那儿等我。他一个人站着，衣服上沾满了血。他看上去依然非常平静，一副无欲无求的样子，但他抬眼看到我之后，整个人就垮了，开始号啕大哭。就好像这整个早晨他都在强装镇定，而在这一刻，世界突然轰地塌了，他再也坚持不住了。我跑向他，抱住他，他哭得无法自已。但是哭声和我的不一样。我的哭声中是痛苦和愤怒。而他的哭声里却带着一种无助。

She was as calm and serene as I’d ever seen her. She could still open one eye, and she turned and looked up at me and saw the look of horror on my face.

可她躺在那里时，神情却异常地平静安详。她用还能睁开的那只眼，侧着看向我，看到了我脸上的恐怖表情。

I turned and ran into the emergency room. My mom was there in triage on a gurney. The doctors were stabilizing her. Her whole body was soaked in blood. There was a hole in her face, a gaping wound above her lip, part of her nose gone.

我转身跑进诊室。我妈躺在一架轮床上，医生正在抢救。她全身都浸在血泊里，脸上有个洞，嘴唇上方裂开了一条沟状的伤口，鼻子少了一大块。

“Shh. It’s okay, baby. I’m fine.”

“嘘。没事的，宝贝。我没事。”

“No, no, I’m okay, I’m okay. Where’s Andrew? Where’s your brother?”

“不，不，我没事，我没事。安德鲁在哪儿？你弟弟在哪儿？”

“He’s outside.”

“他在外面。”

“You’re not fine, you’re –“

“你怎么会没事，你——”

“It’s not okay.”

“怎么会没事。”

“But Mom –“

“可是妈妈——”

Andrew stepped in front of his father. He stepped right in front of the gun.

安德鲁跳到他父亲的面前，站在了枪口前面。

“Shhhhhh. I’m fine, I’m fine, I’m fine. Go to your brother. Your brother needs you.”

“嘘——我没事，我没事，我没事。去找你弟弟，你弟弟需要你。”

They were coming home from church, a big group, my mom and Andrew and Isaac, her new husband and his children and a whole bunch of his extended family, aunts and uncles, nieces and nephews. They had just pulled into the driveway when Abel pulled up and got out of his car. He had his gun. He looked right at my mother.

他们一大家子人，我妈、安德鲁、以撒和她的新丈夫、丈夫的孩子以及婆家的阿姨叔叔、侄子侄女，正开车从教堂回家，刚把车停在车道上，亚伯也开着车过来了，他从车里走出来后，手里拿着一把枪，直瞪瞪地看着我母亲。

“Go to Andrew.”

“去找安德鲁。”

“You’ve stolen my life,” he said. “You’ve taken everything away from me. Now I’m going to kill all of you.”

“你偷走了我的生活，”他说，“你把我的一切都拿走了。现在我要把你们全杀了。”

The doctors kept working, and there was nothing I could do to help her. I went back outside to be with Andrew. We sat down together, and he told me the story.

医生还在抢救，我什么忙也帮不上，只好出去陪安德鲁。我们一起坐下后，他给我讲了整个过程。

“It’s okay, baby,” she whispered, barely able to speak with the blood in her throat.

“没事的，宝贝。”她轻声说。她的喉咙都是血，她几乎发不出声音。

“Don’t do this, Dad, please. You’re drunk. Just put the gun away.”

“不要这样做，爸爸，求你了。你喝醉了。把枪收起来。”

Abel looked down at his son.

亚伯低头看着他的儿子。

“No,” he said. “I’m killing everybody, and if you don’t walk away I will shoot you first.”

“不，”他说，“我要杀了这儿的每一个人，如果你不走开，我先杀你。”

Andrew stepped aside.

亚伯往旁边退了一步。

“Daddy, what are you doing? Daddy, what are you doing?”

“爸爸，你在做什么？爸爸，你在做什么？”

For all the pain I felt that day, in hindsight, I have to imagine that Andrew’s pain was far greater than mine. My mom had been shot by a man I despised. If anything, I felt vindicated; I’d been right about Abel all along. I could direct my anger and hatred toward him with no shame or guilt whatsoever. But Andrew’s mother had been shot by Andrew’s father, a father he loved. How does he reconcile his love with that situation? How does he carry on loving both sides? Both sides of himself?

回头再看，虽然那天我感受到了无尽的痛苦，但是我只能想象安德鲁要比我更痛苦。因为朝我妈妈开枪的是一个我厌恶的男人。要说起来，这件事其实证明了我的感觉没错，这么久以来，我对亚伯的判断都正确无比。我可以直接把我的愤怒和憎恨发泄到他身上，不用感到一丝一毫的愧疚。但朝安德鲁的母亲开枪的人，是安德鲁的父亲，是那个他深爱的父亲。面临这样的情况，他该如何安置他对父亲的爱？他该如何继续两边都爱？爱他自己的这两面？

Isaac was only four years old. He didn’t fully comprehend what was happening, and as Andrew stepped aside, Isaac started crying.

以撒当时只有四岁，还不明白到底发生了什么，安德鲁往旁边退了一步后，以撒哭了起来。

“Isaac, go to your brother,” Abel said.

“以撒，去找你哥哥。”亚伯说。

“His eyes were not lying,” he told me. “He had the eyes of the Devil. In that moment I could tell my father was gone.”

“他的眼睛告诉我他不是在说谎。”他对我说。“那是魔鬼的眼睛。那一刻，我知道我的父亲已经不在了。”

“Run!”

“快跑啊！”

Isaac ran over to Andrew, and Andrew held him. Then Abel raised his gun and he started shooting. My mother jumped in front of the gun to protect everyone, and that’s when she took the first bullet, not in her leg but in her butt cheek. She collapsed, and as she fell to the ground she screamed.

以撒向安德鲁跑去，安德鲁抱住他。亚伯端起枪，开始射击。我母亲为了保护其他人，飞身跳到了枪口正面。那是她中的第一枪，不是在腿上，而是在屁股上。她轰地倒在地上，就贴地的那一刻，她尖叫起来。

Abel stopped to see what was wrong with the gun. My mother jumped up in a panic. She shoved him aside, ran for the car, jumped into the driver’s seat.

亚伯开始停下来检查枪。我妈惊慌地跳起来，把他推开，跑向车子，跳进驾驶座。

Abel kept shooting and everyone ran. They scattered. My mom was struggling to get back to her feet when Abel walked up and stood over her. He pointed the gun at her head point-blank, execution-style. Then he pulled the trigger. Nothing. The gun misfired. Click! He pulled the trigger again, same thing. Then again and again. Click! Click! Click! Click! Four times he pulled the trigger, and four times the gun misfired. Bullets were popping out of the ejection port, falling out of the gun, falling down on my mom and clattering to the ground.

亚伯开始四处射击，所有人都四散逃开。我妈挣扎着想站起来，但这时亚伯走过来，站在她身旁，用枪指着她的头，像执行死刑一般，扣下了扳机。什么都没发生，枪哑火了。咔！他又扣了下扳机，还是一样。然后还是一样，还是一样，咔！咔！咔！咔！他扣了四下扳机，四次都没成功。子弹从退壳口弹了出来，纷纷掉落，落在我妈的身上，哗啦啦撒了一地。

Andrew ran behind and jumped into the passenger seat next to her. Just as she turned the ignition, Andrew heard one last gunshot, and the windshield went red. Abel had fired from behind the car. The bullet went into the back of her head and exited through the front of her face, and blood sprayed everywhere. Her body slumped over the steering wheel. Andrew, reacting without thinking, pulled my mom to the passenger side, flipped over her, jumped into the driver’s seat, slammed the car into gear, and raced to the hospital in Linksfield.

安德鲁紧随其后，跳上了副驾驶座。就在她点燃引擎的那一刻，安德鲁听到了最后一声枪响，挡风玻璃上出现一滩血。亚伯从车后开了枪，子弹打进了她的后脑，从她的脸部穿出，血溅得到处都是。她的身体软软地瘫在了方向盘上。安德鲁一秒都没有犹豫，将我妈拉到了副驾驶座一侧，从她身上翻过去，跳到了驾驶座上，一脚踩下油门，全速冲向了林克斯菲尔德医院。

“You killed my mom.”

“你杀了我妈妈。”

“What? No, no. That can’t be true. I know my mom has health insurance.”

“什么？不，不。这不可能。我知道我妈有医保。”

“Are you the family?” she asked.

“你是家属吗？”她问我。

“Trevor.”

“特雷弗。”

I kept asking Andrew questions, trying to get more details. Then, as we were talking, a nurse came outside looking for me.

我不断问安德鲁更多问题，试图搞清楚更多的细节。我们正说到一半的时候，一个护士走出来找我。

Then he hung up. It was the most chilling moment. It was terrifying. Whatever nerve I’d worked up to call him I immediately lost. To this day I don’t know what I was thinking. I don’t know what I expected to happen. I was just enraged.

说完他就挂了。这是最恐怖的一刻，令人毛骨悚然。不管之前我鼓足了多大的勇气拨电话，此刻我已经彻底没了力气。到现在，我也不懂我当时是怎么想的，也不知道我希望从那通电话里得到什么。我只是很愤怒。

“You killed my mom!”

“你杀了我妈妈！”

“Sir, there’s a problem. Your mother was speaking a bit at first. She’s stopped now, but from what we’ve gathered she doesn’t have health insurance.”

“先生，现在有个问题。你的母亲开始还能说一点话，现在她什么也说不出来了，但是从我们收集到的信息来看，她没有医疗保险。”

“Yes. And if I could find you, I would kill you as well.”

“是的。如果让我找到你，我还会杀了你。”

“Yes, I did.”

“是的，我干的。”

“Yes.”

“是的。”

I asked Andrew what happened to Abel. He didn’t know. I was filled with rage, but there was nothing I could do. I felt completely impotent, but I still felt I had to do something. So I took out my phone and I called him — I called the man who’d just shot my mom, and he actually picked up.

我问安德鲁，亚伯后来怎么样了。他不知道。我心中充满愤怒，但是我什么都做不了。我感觉很无助，但同时又觉得自己应该做点儿什么。我拿出手机，拨通了亚伯的电话——我正在给一个刚对我母亲开了枪的男人打电话，而他竟然接了起来。

“Sir, you don’t understand. We have to do so many tests. One test alone could cost two, three thousand rand.”

“先生，你还不明白。我们要做很多项检查，每个单项检查都要花掉两三千兰特。”

“State hospital?! What — no! You can’t. My mom’s been shot in the head. You’re going to put her back on a gurney? Send her out in an ambulance? She’ll die. You need to treat her right now.”

“国立医院？！什么——不行！你们不能这样做。我妈妈是头部中弹。你要把她再抬到轮床上，送上救护车？她会死的。你们现在就得救她。”

She didn’t. As it turned out, a few months prior, she’d decided, “This health insurance is a scam. I never get sick. I’m going to cancel it.” So now she had no health insurance.

她没有。事实是，几个月以前，她做出了一个决定：“医疗保险就是个骗局。我从来不生病。我要把它取消掉。”现在她没有医保了。

“Lady, I have money. I’ll pay anything. Just help us.”

“女士，我有钱。我能付清所有的费用。帮帮我们吧。”

“Yes, people say that, but without a guarantee –“

“是的，人们都这么说，但是没有保证的话——”

“Sir, I don’t think you understand. Hospital can be really expensive.”

“先生，我想您还不明白。医疗费用真的很昂贵。”

I pulled out my credit card.

我掏出了我的信用卡。

“We can’t treat your mother here,” the nurse said. “If she doesn’t have insurance we have to send her to a state hospital.”

“我们不能在这儿继续为您母亲治疗了，”护士说。“如果她没有医保的话，我们就得将她转去国立医院。”

“Here,” I said. “Take this. I’ll pay. I’ll pay for everything.”

“这儿，”我说。“拿去。我付。我付所有的费用。”

“Sir, hospital can be very expensive.”

“先生，医疗费会非常昂贵。”

“Three thousan — what? Lady, this is my mother’s life we’re talking about. I’ll pay.”

“三千——什么？女士，我们在讨论的是我妈的性命。我会付钱的。”

“I’m your form of payment. I’ll pay.”

“我就是你的付款信息表。我来付。”

“I don’t care.”

“我不在乎。”

“Sir, we can’t. We need a form of payment.”

“先生，我们无法做到。我们需要付款信息表。”

“Sir, you don’t understand. Your mother has been shot. In her brain. She’ll be in ICU. One night in ICU could cost you fifteen, twenty thousand rand.”

“先生，您还是不明白。您的母亲中弹了。脑部中弹。她需要住进重症监护室。在重症监护室住一个晚上，就要一万五到两万兰特。”

“Lady, are you not listening to me? This is my mother’s life. This is her life. Take the money. Take all of it. I don’t care.”

“女士，你有没有听到我说的话？这是我妈的命。这是她的命。把钱拿去。把钱全拿去。我不在乎。”

“Sir! You don’t understand. I’ve seen this happen. Your mother could be in the ICU for weeks. This could cost you five hundred thousand, six hundred thousand. Maybe even millions. You’ll be in debt for the rest of your life.”

“先生！你还是不明白。这种情况我见得太多了。您的母亲很可能会在重症监护室里躺上好几个星期，这会花掉你五六十万兰特，甚至上百万。你的整个下半辈子，都将负债累累。”

I genuinely did not know what to do. I stared at the nurse as the shock of what she’d said sunk in. My mind raced through a dozen different scenarios. What if I spend that money and then she dies anyway? Do I get a refund? I actually imagined my mother, as frugal as she was, waking up from a coma and saying, “You spent how much? You idiot. You should have saved that money to look after your brothers.” And what about my brothers? They would be my responsibility now. I would have to raise the family, which I couldn’t do if I was millions in debt, and it was always my mother’s solemn vow that raising my brothers was the one thing I would never have to do. Even as my career took off, she’d refused any help I offered. “I don’t want you paying for your mother the same way I had to pay for mine,” she’d say. “I don’t want you raising your brothers the same way Abel had to raise his.”

我真的不知道该如何是好了。我直愣愣地盯着护士的眼睛，她说的话完全渗透了我的脑子。我的脑海中迅速闪过几十种可能的情况。如果我花了钱，她还是去世了呢？我能拿到退款吗？我甚至想到，我母亲向来节俭，从昏迷中醒来后，她肯定会对我说：“你花了多少钱？你个傻子。你应该用这笔钱去照顾你的弟弟们。”对了，我的弟弟们该怎么办？现在他们是我的责任了。我得养家糊口了，如果我身上欠了100万的债，还怎么养他们？我妈总是再三强调，我永远不需要养我的弟弟们。哪怕我的事业有了起色以后，她也拒绝接受我给她的钱。“我不想让你像我以前养我妈妈那样来养我，”她说，“我也不想让你像亚伯养他弟弟们那样养你的弟弟们。”

I’m not going to lie to you: I paused. I paused hard. In that moment, what I heard the nurse saying was, “All of your money will be gone,” and then I started to think, Well… what is she, fifty? That’s pretty good, right? She’s lived a good life.

我不想对你撒谎：那一刻我犹豫了。我犹豫了好一会儿。那一刻，我听到护士说的是，“你所有的钱都会搭进去”，然后我开始想，好吧…她多大年纪来着，50岁？挺好的了，是不是？她这辈子已经过得很好了。

“Do whatever you have to do. Just please help my mom.”

“做你们能做的一切。救救我妈妈。”

I pressed my credit card into the nurse’s hand.

我把那张信用卡紧紧按到护士的手心里。

People say all the time that they’d do anything for the people they love. But would you really? Would you do anything? Would you give everything? I don’t know that a child knows that kind of selfless love. A mother, yes. A mother will clutch her children and jump from a moving car to keep them from harm. She will do it without thinking. But I don’t think the child knows how to do that, not instinctively. It’s something the child has to learn.

人们总是说，他们会为了自己爱的人做任何事。但是你真的能做到？任何事都可以？包括付出你的一切？我觉得孩子并不理解什么是无私的爱。而母亲却能理解。一个母亲可以紧紧抱着自己的孩子，为了确保他们的安全，从一辆飞驰的车上跳下去。她会毫不犹豫地这样做。但是我觉得孩子并不知道该怎么做，起码他们没有这个本能。这是孩子需要去学的东西。

My mother’s greatest fear was that I would end up paying the black tax, that I would get trapped by the cycle of poverty and violence that came before me. She had always promised me that I would be the one to break that cycle. I would be the one to move forward and not back. And as I looked at that nurse outside the emergency room, I was petrified that the moment I handed her my credit card, the cycle would just continue and I’d get sucked right back in.

我母亲最害怕的就是我也会沦落到要负担“黑人债”的地步，那样的话，我会被困在贫穷和暴力的圈子里，永远逃不出去。她总是向我保证，我一定能打破这个圈子。我一定能成为那个向前走出去的人，不要回头。我看着急诊室外的那名护士，浑身僵硬，担心我把信用卡递给她的那一刻，恶性循环会继续，我会被重新吸回去。

We spent the rest of the day in limbo, waiting, not knowing, pacing around the hospital, family members stopping by. Several hours later, the doctor finally came out of the emergency room to give us an update.

接下来的时间，我们是在忐忑不安中度过的，不知道结果怎样，只能在医院里打转，其间还不断有家庭成员前来探视。几个小时后，终于有一位医生从急诊室走了出来，告诉了我们此刻的状况。

“Your mother is stable,” he said. “She’s out of surgery.”

“你妈妈现在情况稳定，”他说，“已经做完手术了。”

“What’s happening?” I asked.

“怎么样了？”我问。

“Is she going to be okay?”

“她会没事吧？”

He thought for a moment about what he was going to say.

他思考了一会儿该怎么向我们解释。

The bullet that hit my mother in the butt, he said, was a through-and-through. It went in, came out, and didn’t do any real damage. The other bullet went through the back of her head, entering below the skull at the top of her neck. It missed the spinal cord by a hair, missed the medulla oblongata, and traveled through her head just underneath the brain, missing every major vein, artery, and nerve. With the trajectory the bullet was on, it was headed straight for her left eye socket and would have blown out her eye, but at the last second it slowed down, hit her cheekbone instead, shattered her cheekbone, ricocheted off, and came out through her left nostril. On the gurney in the emergency room, the blood had made the wound look much worse than it was. The bullet took off only a tiny flap of skin on the side of her nostril, and it came out clean, with no bullet fragments left inside. She didn’t even need surgery. They stopped the bleeding, stitched her up in back, stitched her up in front, and let her heal.

他说，那颗打进我母亲臀部的子弹，直接穿了过去，没有造成特别严重的损伤。那颗打进她后脑的子弹，从颈部上方、头盖骨下方的位置穿了进去，以毫厘之差避开了脊椎，避开了延髓，贴着大脑下方穿过头部，并且避开了每一根主要的血管、动脉和神经。根据子弹的轨迹，本来是冲着她的左眼窝飞过去，将她的眼球打出来，但在最后一秒，子弹却减速了，只打中了她的颧骨，而打碎颧骨以后，又反弹了一下，从左鼻孔穿了出去。她躺在急诊室的病床上时，因为满身是血，所以才让人觉得她的伤看起来比实际情况严重得多。其实那颗子弹只掀掉了她左鼻孔的一小块皮肤，就完完整整地飞了出来，没有在里面留下任何弹片。她甚至不需要做手术，给她止了血，缝好后面的伤口，再缝好前面的伤口，等她自我恢复即可。

“I don’t like to use this word,” he said, “because I’m a man of science and I don’t believe in it. But what happened to your mother today was a miracle. I never say that, because I hate it when people say it, but I don’t have any other way to explain this.”

“我不想用这个词，”他说，“因为我信仰科学，不信别的那些什么。但是今天在你母亲身上发生的事，是一个奇迹。我从来不这么说，也讨厌别人用这个词，但是我没有别的词来解释这一切。”

My mother was out of the hospital in four days. She was back at work in seven.

四天后，我母亲出院了。七天后，她开始正常上班。

“There was nothing we can do, because there’s nothing we need to do,” the doctor said.

“我们没什么能做的了，因为我们也不需要做什么。”医生说。

I went back first thing the next morning to be with my mother in her room and wait for her to wake up. When I walked in she was still asleep. The back of her head was bandaged. She had stitches in her face and gauze covering her nose and her left eye. She looked frail and weak, tired, one of the few times in my life I’d ever seen her look that way.

第二天一早，我来到医院，准备待在我妈妈的病房里，等她醒过来。走进病房的时候，她还睡着。脑后缠着绷带，脸上缝着针，一块纱布盖在鼻子和左眼上。她看上去是如此虚弱、无力、疲惫，我长这么大，从没见过这样的她。

The doctors kept her sedated the rest of that day and night to rest. They told all of us to go home. “She’s stable,” they said. “There’s nothing you can do here. Go home and sleep.” So we did.

那天医生给她注射了镇静剂，让她晚上就在医院好好休息，然后告诉让我们回家去等着。“她的情况稳定了，”他们说，“你们在这儿也没什么事。回家睡觉吧。”于是我们就回去了。

I sat close by her bed, holding her hand, waiting and watching her breathe, a flood of thoughts going through my mind. I was still afraid I was going to lose her. I was angry at myself for not being there, angry at the police for all the times they didn’t arrest Abel. I told myself I should have killed him years ago, which was ridiculous to think because I’m not capable of killing anyone, but I thought it anyway. I was angry at the world, angry at God. Because all my mom does is pray. If there’s a fan club for Jesus, my mom is definitely in the top 100, and this is what she gets?

我在她的床边坐下来，握住她的手，等待着，看着她的呼吸一起一伏，脑中汹涌地翻滚着无数的念头。我依然害怕我会失去她。我生我自己的气，因为我当时不在场，我生那些警察的气，因为他们以前有那么多次都没把亚伯逮捕。我对我自己说，几年前我就该杀了他。这想法很荒谬，因为我没能力杀死任何人，但我还是忍不住这么想。我生这个世界的气，生上帝的气。因为我妈妈无时无刻不在祈祷。如果耶稣的粉丝俱乐部有排名的话，我妈绝对能排在前一百，可这就是她得到的回赠？

“No, baby. Baby, don’t cry. Trevor. Trevor, listen. Listen to me. Listen.”

“不会的，宝贝。宝贝，别哭了。特雷弗。特雷弗，听着。听我说。听着。”

“How can I not cry, Mom? You almost died.”

“我怎么能不哭，妈妈？你差点儿死了。”

“What?” I said, tears streaming down my face.

“什么？”我说，眼泪顺着我的脸颊不断滑落。

“Shh,” she said. “Don’t cry, baby. Shhhhh. Don’t cry.”

“嘘，”她说，“别哭了，宝贝。嘘——别哭了。”

After an hour or so of waiting, she opened her unbandaged eye. The second she did, I lost it. I started bawling. She asked for some water and I gave her a cup, and she leaned forward a bit to sip through the straw. I kept bawling and bawling and bawling. I couldn’t control myself.

等了一个多小时后，她终于睁开了那只没有被纱布覆盖的眼睛。在她睁眼的一瞬间，我崩溃了，开始号啕大哭起来。她想喝水，我给她端了一杯，她把身子往前靠了靠，用吸管吸着喝。我则在旁边一直放声痛哭。我停不下来，我无法控制自己。

“No, I wasn’t going to die. I wasn’t going to die. It’s okay. I wasn’t going to die.”

“不会，我不会死的。我不会死。没事，我不会死。”

“My child, you must look on the bright side.”

“我的孩子，你要看到好的一面。”

“What? What are you talking about, ‘the bright side’? Mom, you were shot in the face. There is no bright side.”

“什么？你在说什么啊，‘好的一面’？妈妈，你被子弹爆了头。这还有好的一面？”

“But I thought you were dead.” I kept bawling and bawling. “I thought I’d lost you.”

“但我以为你已经死了。”我一直哭，一直哭。“我以为我失去你了。”

She broke out in a huge smile and started laughing. Through my tears, I started laughing, too. I was bawling my eyes out and laughing hysterically at the same time. We sat there and she squeezed my hand and we cracked each other up the way we always did, mother and son, laughing together through the pain in an intensive-care recovery room on a bright and sunny and beautiful day.

她脸上露出灿烂的笑容，哈哈大笑起来。尽管我还在泪流不止，但也忍不住笑了起来。我一边号啕大哭，一边歇斯底里地笑。我们坐在一起，她紧紧攥着我的手，我的母亲和她的儿子，我们像以前那样一起放声大笑，在那个明媚而阳光灿烂的美丽日子里，在重症监护病房中，为我们经历的这一切放声大笑。

“Of course there is. Now you’re officially the best-looking person in the family.”

“当然有了。从现在起，你就正式成了这个家里最好看的人。”