Until two days ago, Lindy Gardner was my next-door neighbour. Okay, you’re thinking, if Lindy Gardner was my neighbour, that probably means I live in Beverly Hills; a movie producer, maybe, or an actor or a musician. Well, I’m a musician all right. But though I’ve played behind one or two performers you’ll have heard of, I’m not what you’d call big-league. My manager, Bradley Stevenson, who in his way has been a good friend over the years, maintains I have it in me to be big-league. Not just big-league session player, but big-league headliner. It’s not true saxophonists don’t become headliners any more, he says, and repeats his list of names. Marcus Lightfoot. Silvio Tarrentini. They’re all jazz players, I point out. “What are you, if you’re not a jazz player?” he says. But only in my innermost dreams am I still a jazz player. In the real world — when I don’t have my face entirely wrapped in bandages the way I do now — I’m just a jobbing tenor man, in reasonable demand for studio work, or when a band’s lost their regular guy. If it’s pop they want, it’s pop I play. R&B? Fine. Car commercials, the walk-on theme for a talk show, I’ll do it. I’m a jazz player these days only when I’m inside my cubicle.
两天前，琳迪·加德纳还住在我的隔壁。好吧，你会想，要是琳迪·加德纳住在我隔壁，那是不是说我住在贝弗利山；我是个电影制片人、演员或者音乐家。没错，我是个乐手。但虽说我在一两个你听说过的艺人身后表演过，我并不是什么大明星。我的经纪人布拉德利·史蒂文森，同时也是我多年的好友，说我有成为大明星的潜质。不只是成为在录音室里替人灌制唱片的大牌录音乐手，而是成为抛头露面的大腕。谁说萨克斯手再也成不了腕儿了，他说，然后开出一串名单。马库斯·莱特富特，西尔维奥·塔伦蒂尼，他们都是爵士乐手，我指出。“你不是爵士乐手，是什么？”他说。然而只有在我梦想的最深处我才是一个爵士乐手。在现实生活中——在我像现在这样把整张脸都缠上绷带之前——我只是一个打零工的萨克斯手，在录音室里讨生活，或者给乐队补缺。他们要流行歌曲，我就吹流行歌曲。节奏布鲁斯？没问题。汽车广告，脱口秀的进场音乐，我都做。只有在我自己的小卧室里我才是一个爵士乐手。
You’ve guessed by now Lindy Gardner never lived next to this apartment I’m talking about. Neither was she one of the neighbors who banged the door whenever I played outside the cubicle. When I said she was my neighbour, I meant something else, and I’m going to explain this right now.
你已经猜到琳迪·加德纳不可能住在我说的这么一个公寓隔壁。她也不可能是我在隔音室外面吹萨克斯就来“乓乓”敲门的邻居。我说她住在我的隔壁是另有所指，我现在就来解释给你听。
I’d prefer to play in my living room, but our apartment’s so cheaply made the neighbours would start complaining all the way down the hall. So what I’ve done is convert our smallest room into a rehearsal room. It’s no more than a closet really — you can get an office chair in there and that’s it — but I’ve sound-proofed it with foam and egg-trays and old padded envelopes my manager Bradley sent round from his office. Helen, my wife, when she used to live with me, she’d see me going in there with my sax and she’d laugh and say it was like I was going to the toilet, and sometimes that’s how it felt. That’s to say, it was like I was sitting in that dim, airless cubicle taking care of personal business no one else would ever care to come across.
我更想在客厅里吹萨克斯，可是我们的公寓是造价低廉的那种，整条走廊上的邻居都会抱怨。于是我就把最小的房间改造成一间练习室。说是房间，其实也不过就一个厕所那么大——在里面放把办公椅就满了——可是我用泡沫、鸡蛋托和布拉德利从办公室寄来的旧加垫信封把这里隔了音。我妻子海伦，以前还和我住在一起的时候，看我拿着萨克斯要去那个房间时，就会笑着说，我像是要去厕所，而有时候感觉就是这样。也就是说，我坐在那间阴暗、不通风的房间里，做着自己的事，没人会想要来打扰。
So how does someone like me get to be here among these stars and millionaires, having my face altered by the top man in town? I guess it started with my manager, Bradley, who isn’t so big-league himself, and doesn’t look any more like George Clooney than I do. He first mentioned it a few years ago, in a jokey sort of way, then seemed to get more serious each time he brought it up again. What he was saying, in a nutshell, was that I was ugly. And that this was what was keeping me from the big league.
那么像我这种人怎么会跟这些大明星和大富翁住在一起，让全城最顶尖的医生给我整容呢？我想这事儿是我的经纪人布拉德利起的头。他自己也不是什么大腕，也不比我长得更像乔治·克鲁尼。他第一次提起这事儿是在几年前，半开玩笑地，后来再提起的时候，一次比一次认真。他的大意就是我太丑了。正是这一点阻碍我成名。
Until two days ago, Lindy was in the next room here at this swanky hotel, and like me, had her face encased in bandages. Lindy, of course, has a big comfortable house nearby, and hired help, so Dr. Boris let her go home. In fact, from a strictly medical viewpoint, she could probably have gone much sooner, but there were clearly other factors. For one, it wouldn’t be so easy for her to hide from cameras and gossip columnists back in her own house. What’s more, my hunch is Dr. Boris’s stellar reputation is based on procedures that aren’t one hundred per cent legal, and that’s why he hides his patients up here on this hush-hush floor of the hotel, cut off from all regular staff and guests, with instructions to leave our rooms only when absolutely necessary. If you could see past all the crêpe, you’d spot more stars up here in a week than in a month at the Chateau Marmont.
两天前，琳迪还住在这家豪华酒店的隔壁，而且和我一样，整张脸都缠着绷带。琳迪当然在这附近有一所舒适的大房子，还有帮佣，所以鲍里斯医生就让她回家了。事实上，从严格的医学角度来讲，她大概早就可以回去了，但很明显还有其他原因。比如说，回到自己家里就不那么容易躲开照相机和八卦专栏作者了。再者，我的直觉告诉我鲍里斯医生名声好是因为他的做法不是百分百合法，所以他把病人藏在酒店里极其隐秘的这一层，普通员工和客人是找不到这里的，他也嘱咐我们不到万不得已不要离开房间。要是你能透视这些纱布，你在这里待上一个星期比你在夏特蒙特酒店住上一个月更能发现名人。
“Billy’s ugly all right. But he’s sexy, bad guy ugly. You, Steve, you’re… Well, you’re dull, loser ugly. The wrong kind of ugly. Listen, have you ever considered having a little work done? Of a surgical nature, I mean?”
“比利是很丑。可他是性感的、坏坏的丑。而你，史蒂夫，你是……咳，你是平庸的、失败者的丑。不对路子的丑。听着，你有没有想过对你的容貌做点什么？我是指外科手术方面的？”
“Look at Marcus Lightfoot,” he said. “Look at Kris Bugoski. Or Tarrentini. Do any of them have a signature sound the way you do? No. Do they have your tenderness? Your vision? Do they have even half your technique? No. But they look right, so doors keep opening for them.”
“看看马库斯·莱特富特，”他说。“看看克里斯·布戈斯基，或者塔伦蒂尼。他们哪一个能吹出你这么有特色的声音？没有。哪一个有你的温柔、你的想象力？哪一个有你一半的技巧？没有。可人家长得端正，所以大门一直为他们敞开。”
“What about Billy Fogel?” I said. “He’s ugly as hell and he’s doing fine.”
“那比利·福格尔呢？”我说。“他丑得不行，可他混得不错。”
I went home and repeated this all to Helen because I thought she’d find it as funny as I did. And at first, sure enough, we had a lot of laughs at Bradley’s expense. Then Helen came over, put her arms around me and told me that for her at least, I was the most handsome guy in the universe. Then she kind of took a step back and went quiet, and when I asked her what was wrong, she said nothing was wrong. Then she said that perhaps, just perhaps, Bradley had a point. Maybe I should consider having a little work done.
回家以后我把这些话原原本本地讲给海伦听，因为我想她会和我一样觉得太滑稽了。刚开始确实是这样，我们把布拉德利好好地嘲笑了一番。接着海伦不笑了，伸手搂住我，说，至少对她来说，我是世界上最帅的。然后她后退了一步，不说话了。我问她怎么了，她说没什么。接着她说，也许，只是也许，布拉德利说得对。也许我是应该考虑一下改变我的容貌。
“No need to look at me like that!” she yelled back. “Everyone’s doing it. And you, you have a professional reason. Guy wants to be a fancy chauffeur, he goes and buys a fancy car. It’s no different with you!”
“没必要这么看着我！”她喊道。“大家都这么做。而你，你这么做是出于职业需要。想要当好司机的人就得去买一辆好车。你也一样！”
But at that stage I gave the idea no further thought, even if I was beginning to accept this notion that I was “loser ugly.” For one thing, I didn’t have the money. In fact, the very moment Helen was talking about fancy chauffeurs, we were nine and a half thousand dollars in debt. This was characteristic of Helen. A fine person in many ways, but this ability to forget completely the true state of our finances and start dreaming up major new spending opportunities, this was very Helen.
然而那个时候我没有细想这件事，虽说我开始接受这个说法：我是“失败者的丑”。一方面，我没有钱。实话告诉你，海伦说什么好司机的那会儿，我们欠债九千五百美元。这就是海伦。就很多方面而言她是个好人，可是这种全然忘记我们实际的经济状况、开始幻想大笔新的花销的能力，这就是海伦。
Money aside, I didn’t like the idea of someone cutting me up. I’m not so good with that kind of thing. One time, early in my relationship with Helen, she invited me to go running with her. It was a crisp winter’s morning, and I’ve never been much of a jogger, but I was taken by her and anxious to impress. So there we were running around the park, and I was doing fine keeping up with her, when suddenly my shoe hit something very hard jutting out of the ground. I could feel a pain in my foot, which wasn’t so bad, but when I took off my sneaker and sock, and saw the nail on my big toe rearing up from the flesh like it was doing a Hitler-style salute, I got nauseous and fainted. That’s the way I am. So you can see, I wasn’t wild about face surgery.
除了钱以外，一想到要被人切来划去的，我就满心的不喜欢。我受不了这类事情。我刚开始和海伦拍拖时，有一次，她叫我跟她一起跑步。那是一个寒冷而干燥的冬天的早晨，我自己从来不怎么跑步，但是那时我被她迷住了，急于想表现自己。于是我们就绕着公园慢跑，一开始我稳稳地跟在她后面，突然我的鞋踢到了地上凸出来的什么硬物，脚疼了一下，但不太厉害。可是当我脱掉运动鞋和袜子一看，大拇指上的趾甲翘了起来，像在做一个希特勒式的敬礼。我感到一阵恶心，昏了过去。我就是这个样子。所以你瞧，我对整容这事儿不感冒。
At first Helen seemed to see it my way, and the topic didn’t come up again for some time. That is, not until she phoned from Seattle to say she was leaving me and moving in with Chris Prendergast, a guy she’d known since high school and who now owned a string of successful diners across Washington. I’d met this Prendergast a few times over the years — he’d even come to dinner once — but I’d never suspected a thing. “All that sound-proofing in that cupboard of yours,” Bradley said at the time. “It works both ways.” I suppose he had a point.
刚开始海伦像是站在我这边的，有一段时间没有再提起这件事。就是说，直到她从西雅图打电话来，说她要离开我去跟克里斯·普伦德加斯特在一起。这个普伦德加斯特她从高中起就认识，如今在华盛顿拥有成功的连锁餐厅。这些年我见过这个普伦德加斯特几次——他还来吃过一次晚饭——可是我从来没有怀疑过。“你那个隔音的碗柜，”那时布拉德利说道，“作用是双向的。”我想他说得对。
Then, naturally, there was the principle of the thing. Okay, I’ve told you before, I’m no stickler for artistic integrity. I play every kind of bubble-gum for the pay. But this proposition was of another order, and I did have some pride left. Bradley was right about one thing: I was twice as talented as most other people in this town. But it seemed that didn’t count for much these days. Because it has to do with image, marketability, being in magazines and on TV shows, about parties and who you ate lunch with. It all made me sick. I was a musician, why should I have to join in this game? Why couldn’t I just play my music the best way I knew, and keep getting better, if only in my cubicle, and maybe some day, just maybe, genuine music lovers would hear me and appreciate what I was doing. What did I want with a plastic surgeon?
此外，当然了，还有原则问题。好吧，像我刚才说的，我并不坚持只做什么类型的音乐。为了赚钱，我什么都演。但整容就是另外一码事了，我还是有点尊严的。布拉德利说对了一件事：我的才华是这座城市里大多数人的两倍。然而如今这个不重要了。重要的是形象好、有市场、上杂志、上电视、去派对，还有你和什么人吃饭。这些统统让我恶心。我是个音乐家，我为什么要加入这个游戏呢？我为什么不能按照我心中最理想的方式演奏我的音乐，并且不断进步呢？即使只是在我的小卧室里，也许有一天，只是也许，真正喜欢音乐的人会听见并且欣赏我的演奏。我为什么要整容呢？
What happened was that a few weeks after her phone call, Helen came back to the apartment to organise moving out her belongings. She looked sad walking around the place — where, after all, we’d had some happy times. I kept thinking she was about to cry, but she didn’t, and just went on putting all her things into neat piles. Someone would be along to pick them up in a day or two, she said. Then as I was on my way to my cubicle, tenor in hand, she looked up and said quietly:
事实是：打电话来几个星期以后，海伦回来收拾她的东西。她伤心地在公寓里走来走去——毕竟我们在这里有过美好的时光。我以为她要哭出来了，可是她没有哭，只是继续整理东西，把所有的东西整整齐齐地打包好，说这一两天会有人过来取走行李。我手里拿着萨克斯往小卧室走时，她抬起头来，静静地说：
But I don’t want to dwell on Helen and Prendergast except to explain their part in getting me where I am now. Maybe you’re thinking I drove up the coast, confronted the happy couple, and plastic surgery became necessary following a manly altercation with my rival. Romantic, but no, that’s not the way it happened.
然而除了说明他们跟我现在在这里有什么关系以外，我不想多说海伦和普伦德加斯特的事。你大概在想我立马北上，找那快乐的一对算账，在与情敌进行了一番男子汉大丈夫的争吵过后，整容就是自然而然的了。很浪漫，可惜你错了，事实不是这样的。
“Talk about what?”
“谈什么？”
So I put the sax back in its case and we went into our little kitchen and sat down at the table facing one another. Then she put it to me.
于是我把萨克斯放回盒子里，我们走进小厨房，在桌子旁面对面坐下。她开口了。
“Steve, please. Don’t go into that place again. We need to talk.”
“史蒂夫，求你了。别再去那里了。我们得谈谈。”
“Steve, for God’s sake.”
“史蒂夫，看在上帝的分上。”
“Steve, why are you looking at me like that? This is a great offer. And God knows if he’ll still be willing in six months. Say yes right now and do yourself a big favor. It’s just a few weeks of discomfort, then whoosh! Jupiter and beyond!”
“史蒂夫，为什么这样看着我？机会难得。天晓得半年以后他还愿不愿意。现在就答应下来，好好地对待自己一回。只需忍耐几个星期，然后，嗖！你就一炮而红了！”
There was no going back on her decision. She was happy with Prendergast, for whom she’d carried a torch since school. But she felt bad about leaving me, especially at a time when my career wasn’t going so good. So she’d thought things over and talked with her new guy, and he too had felt bad about me. Apparently, what he’d said was: “It’s just too bad Steve has to pay the price for all our happiness.” So here was the deal. Prendergast was willing to pay for me to have my face fixed by the best surgeon in town. “It’s true,” she said, when I looked back at her blankly. “He means it. No expense spared. All the hospital bills, recuperation, everything. The best surgeon in town.” Once my face was fixed, there’d be nothing holding me back, she said. I’d go right to the top, how could I fail, with the kind of talent I had?
做了这个决定她不会回头了。她和普伦德加斯特在一起很开心，她在学校的时候就暗恋他了。可是离开我她感到难过，特别是在我事业不如意的时候。所以她考虑了以后，和她的新欢谈了谈，那人也替我难过。他的原话是：“史蒂夫得为我们的幸福买单真是太不幸了。”于是就这么定了。普伦德加斯特愿意为我出钱到全城最好的外科医生那里做整容手术。“是真的，”发现我茫然地看着她，她说道。“他说真的。费用他全包。医院的费用、康复的费用、所有费用。全城最好的外科医生。”一旦我整了容，就没有什么能阻止我前进了，她说。我会一飞冲天，我怎么可能会失败呢，以我的才华？
Fifteen minutes later, on her way out, she said in much sterner tones: “So what is it you’re saying? That you’re happy playing in that little closet for the rest of your life? That you just love being this big a loser?” And with that, she left.
十五分钟后，在门口，海伦用严厉得多的语气说道：“你说的是什么话？什么叫做你愿意一辈子都在那个小房间里吹萨克斯？什么叫做你喜欢做一个大失败者？”说完，她走了。
“This guy’s rich? And he’s willing to get you a top surgeon? Maybe he’ll get you Crespo. Or even Boris.”
“这家伙很有钱？而且他愿意给你找最好的外科医生？也许他会给你找克雷斯波，甚至是鲍里斯。”
The next day I went into Bradley’s office to see if he had anything for me, and I happened to mention what had occurred, expecting us to laugh about it. But he didn’t laugh at all.
第二天，我走进布拉德利的办公室，看看他有没有活给我，碰巧提起了这件事，原以为他会和我一起笑一笑，没想到他根本没有笑。
So now I had Bradley too, telling me how I had to take this opportunity, how if I didn’t I’d be a loser all my life. I left his office pretty angry, but he phoned later that same afternoon and kept on about it. If it was the call itself holding me back, he said, if it was the blow to my pride involved in picking up a phone and saying to Helen, yes, please, I want to do it, please get your boyfriend to sign that big check, if that’s what was holding me up, then he, Bradley, was happy to do all the negotiations on my behalf. I told him to go sit on a tall spike, and hung up. But then he called again an hour later. He told me he’d now figured it all out and I was a fool not to have done so myself.
现在又多了个布拉德利，劝我要抓住这次机会，若我错过了这次机会，我这辈子就永远是个失败者。我生气地离开他的办公室，但是那天下午，他打电话给我，不停地劝我。他说，如果是因为我不想打这通电话；如果是因为拿起电话对海伦说，好，求你了，我愿意，求你让你的男朋友开那张大支票吧，会挫伤我的自尊心；如果是这个原因阻止了我，那么，他，布拉德利，愿意替我进行所有的交涉。我叫他吃屎去吧，挂断了电话。可一个小时后他又打过来，说他已经把事情都想通了，说我自己没想明白真是个傻瓜。
I stopped him here to point out that though over the years I’d become accustomed to the depths to which he could sink when persuading me to do something to his professional advantage, this latest ploy was somewhere so far down in the pits it was a place no light penetrated and where steaming horseshit would freeze in seconds. And on the subject of horseshit, I told him that while I understood how he, on account of his nature, couldn’t help shoveling the stuff all the time, it would still be sound strategy on his part to come up with the sort that had at least a chance of taking me in for a minute or two. Then I hung up on him again.
说到这里，我打断了他。我说，虽然这几年我习惯了他出于自身的职业利益编各种故事出来说服我做这个做那个，但是这次扯得太远了，扯到不见天日的深谷里去了，热气腾腾的马粪在那里也会瞬间冻结。说到马粪[1]，我说我理解他出于本能忍不住每次都要胡扯一通，但是我还是不相信他的话，这只不过是他想出来的、希望能暂时把我忽悠成功的东西。说完，我再次挂断他的电话。【注：[1] 英语里“马粪”也有“胡说八道”的意思。】
“Helen’s got this carefully planned. Consider her position. She loves you. But looks-wise, well, you’re an embarrassment when you’re seen in public. You’re no turn-on. She wants you to do something about it, but you refuse. So what’s she to do? Well, her next move’s magnificent. Full of subtlety. As a professional manager I have to admire it. She goes off with this guy. Okay, maybe she’s always had the hots for him, but really, she doesn’t love him at all. She gets the guy to pay for your face. Once you’re healed up, she comes back, you’re good-looking, she’s hungry for your body, she can’t wait to be seen with you in restaurants…”
“这可是海伦精心策划的。想想她的处境吧。她爱你。可说到相貌，咳，你真的长得很抱歉。你不是靓仔。她希望你采取一点行动，但是你拒绝了。所以她能怎么办呢？啊，她这一步真是壮举。处心积虑。作为一名职业经纪人，我不得不佩服她。她跟这个人走了。好吧，也许她一直对这个人念念不忘，但其实她根本不爱他。海伦利用他来为你的脸出钱。一旦你手术成功，她就会回来，看见帅气的你，她就会想要你这个人，迫不及待地想让人看见跟你出入宾馆……”
Finally, maybe six weeks after Helen came up with the offer, I mentioned casually to Bradley that I was thinking it over again. That was all he needed. He was off, making phone calls and arrangements, shouting a lot and getting excited. To give him his due, he was true to his word: he did all the go-between stuff so I didn’t have to have a single humiliating conversation with Helen, let alone with Prendergast. At times Bradley even managed to create the illusion he was negotiating a deal for me, that it was me who had something to sell. Even so, I was having doubts several times each day. When it happened, it happened suddenly. Bradley called to say Dr. Boris had a last-minute cancellation and I had to get myself to a particular address by three-thirty that same afternoon with all my bags packed. Maybe I had some final jitters at that point, because I remember Bradley yelling down the phone at me to pull myself together, that he was coming to get me himself, and then I was being driven up winding roads to a big house in the Hollywood Hills and put under anesthetic, just like a character in a Raymond Chandler story.
最后，大概在海伦提议后六个星期，我随口跟布拉德利说到我重新考虑了这件事情。有我这句话就够了。他立马行动，打电话、做安排、又喊又叫，兴奋得不得了。说句公道话，他说到做到：所有的中间协商他全包了，我一次也不用跟海伦进行丢脸的谈话，更不用说跟普伦德加斯特了。有时候布拉德利甚至能够制造出这种假象，感觉他在替我谈一桩生意，感觉有东西可卖的人是我。即便如此，我还是每天都要怀疑好几次。当事情真的来临的时候，来得很突然。布拉德利打电话来说鲍里斯医生突然临时取消了原定计划，我得自己一个人拿着行李在当天下午三点半之前到达指定地点。大概那个时候我临阵退缩了，因为我记得布拉德利在电话里冲我大嚷，叫我振作起来，说他会亲自送我去。接下来，经过九拐十八弯，我被载到了好莱坞山上的一所大房子，打了麻药，就像雷蒙德·钱德勒小说里的人物。
Over the next few weeks, work seemed scarcer than ever, and each time I called Bradley to see if he had anything, he’d say something like: “It’s hard to help a guy who won’t help himself.” In the end, I began considering the whole matter more pragmatically. I couldn’t get away from the fact that I needed to eat. And if going through with this meant that eventually a lot more people got to hear my music, was that such a bad result? And what about my plans to lead my own band one day? How was that ever going to happen?
接下来的几个星期，工作似乎比以前少了。每次我打电话给布拉德利，问他有没有活，他都会说：“你自己都不帮自己，别人怎么帮你。”最后，我开始更加务实地考虑整件事情。我不得不面对这个事实：我得吃饭。还有，若这么做意味着最后会有更多的人听到我的音乐，这样的结果也不错啊？还有，我不是希望有朝一日能组建自己的乐队吗？什么时候能够实现呢？
After a couple of days I was brought down here, to this Beverly Hills hotel, by the back entrance under cover of dark, and wheeled down this corridor, so exclusive we’re sealed off entirely from all the regular life of the hotel.
两天以后，我被送到了这里，贝弗利山上的一家酒店，在夜色的掩护下从后门进来。我被推到了走廊的深处，这里十分隐蔽，与酒店的正常营业完全隔绝。
The first week, my face was painful and the anesthetic in my system made me nauseous. I had to sleep propped up on pillows, which meant I didn’t sleep much at all, and because my nurse insisted on keeping the room dark all the time, I lost sense of what hour of the day it was. Even so, I didn’t feel at all bad. In fact, I felt exhilarated and optimistic. I felt complete confidence in Dr. Boris, who was after all a guy in whose hands movie stars placed their entire careers. What’s more, I knew that with me he’d completed his masterpiece; that on seeing my loser’s face, he’d felt his deepest ambitions stir, remembered why he’d chosen his vocation in the first place, and put everything into it and more. When the bandages came off, I could look forward to a cleanly chiseled face, slightly brutal, yet full of nuance. A guy with his reputation, after all, would have thought through carefully the requirements of a serious jazz musician, and not confused them with, say, those of a TV anchorman. He may even have put in something to give me that vaguely haunted quality, kind of like the young De Niro, or like Chet Baker before the drugs ravaged him. I thought about the albums I’d make, the line-ups I’d hire to back me. I felt triumphant and couldn’t believe I’d ever hesitated about the move.
第一个星期，我的脸疼得要命，体内的麻药让我觉得恶心。我得把枕头立起来靠着才能睡，也就是说我根本睡不了觉。护士坚持二十四小时都把窗帘拉得严严实实的，所以我不知道到了什么钟点。然而，我一点儿也不觉得坏。事实上，我感觉好极了，兴奋、乐观。我对鲍里斯医生充满信心，多少电影明星把自己的前程交到他的手里。再者，我知道我将是他的杰作；看见我这张失败者的脸，激起了他内心最深处的雄心壮志，让他想起了当初为什么选择了这个职业。他会百分之两百地全力以赴。解开绷带以后，我会看见一张精心雕琢过的脸，有点野性但又很有味道。毕竟像他这么有名望的人，会认真思考一个严肃的爵士乐手的各种需求，不会把爵士乐手跟其他人，比如说，电视上的新闻主播混为一谈。他甚至有可能还给我加了点那种似有似无的忧郁气质，有点像年轻时的德尼罗，或者吸毒前的切特·贝克。我畅想着我要做的专辑，要请哪些明星来助阵。我感觉得意洋洋，不敢相信自己曾经迟迟不愿整容。
It was during this phase that Gracie first told me Lindy Gardner was next door. Had she brought this news in my earlier, euphoric phase, I’d have greeted it with delight. I might even have taken it as the first indicator of the glamorous life I was now headed for. Coming when it did though, just as I was falling into my trough, the news filled me with such disgust it set off another bout of nausea. If you’re one of Lindy’s many admirers, I apologise for what’s coming up here. But the fact was, at that moment, if there was one figure who epitomised for me everything that was shallow and sickening about the world, it was Lindy Gardner: a person with negligible talent — okay, let’s face it, she’s demonstrated she can’t act, and she doesn’t even pretend to have musical ability — but who’s managed all the same to become famous, fought over by TV networks and glossy magazines who can’t get enough of her smiling features. I went past a bookstore earlier this year and saw a snaking line and wondered if someone like Stephen King was around, and here it turns out to be Lindy signing copies of her latest ghosted autobiography. And how was this all achieved? The usual way, of course. The right love affairs, the right marriages, the right divorces. All leading to the right magazine covers, the right talk shows, then stuff like that recent thing she had on the air, I don’t remember its name, where she gave advice about how to dress for that first big date after your divorce, or what to do if you suspect your husband is gay, all of that. You hear people talk about her “star quality,” but the spell’s easy enough to analyse. It’s the sheer accumulation of TV appearances and glossy covers, of all the photos you’ve seen of her at premieres and parties, her arm linked to legendary people. And now here she was, right next door, recovering just like me from a face job by Dr. Boris. No other news could have symbolised more perfectly the scale of my moral descent. The week before, I’d been a jazz musician. Now I was just another pathetic hustler, getting my face fixed in a bid to crawl after the Lindy Gardners of this world into vacuous celebrity.
就是在这期间，格雷西第一次告诉我琳迪·加德纳住在隔壁。她要是早点告诉我这件事，在亢奋期的时候，我听了会很开心，甚至把它当作我美好新生活的首个标志。可我偏巧在这个时候听说这件事，在我跌入低潮的时候，听了这个消息我讨厌得又是一阵恶心。若你是琳迪众多的崇拜者之一，我说声抱歉。但事实就是，那时，如果有这么一个人能代表世上所有肤浅和恶心的东西，非琳迪·加德纳莫属：一个一无是处的人——实事求是吧，她已经证明她不会演戏，也不假装有什么音乐才能——可她还是照样能走红，电视和杂志争相报道她，怎么拍都拍不够她的笑脸。之前，我路过一家书店，书店外大排长龙。我以为是斯蒂芬·金什么的来了，结果是琳迪在签售她最新的口述自传。她是怎么做到的？当然是靠老一套。适时的绯闻，适时的结婚，适时的离婚。这样她自然而然就上了应景的封面、脱口秀，或者是像最近她在广播上做的那个节目，我不记得节目的名字了，她在节目里教大家离婚后的首个重要约会应该如何着装打扮，抑或是如果你怀疑你丈夫是同志，你该怎么做，等等。你会听见人们谈论她有什么“明星气质”，但其中的秘诀再简单不过了。就是不断地在电视和杂志封面上抛头露脸，不停地出席各种首映礼和派对，把自己的手搭到名人的胳膊上。如今她就在这里，在隔壁，和我一样接受了鲍里斯医生的面部手术，在休养中。没有什么比这件事更能反映出现在我堕落到了什么地步。一个星期前，我还是一个爵士乐手。如今我成了又一个可怜的骗子，妄图通过整容跟在琳迪·加德纳们的后面，爬进空虚的名流堆。
Then came the second week, when the effect of the drugs wore off, and I felt depressed, lonely and cheap. My nurse, Gracie, now let a little more light into the room — though she kept the blinds at least halfway down — and I was allowed to walk about the room in my dressing gown. So I put one CD after another into the Bang & Olufsen and went round and round the carpet, now and then stopping in front of the dressing-table mirror to inspect the weird bandaged monster gazing back through peephole eyes.
到了第二个星期，药物的作用慢慢退去，我开始觉得消沉、孤独、可鄙。我的护士格雷西让一点阳光透进屋子里来——但她顶多是把百叶窗放了一半下来——还允许我穿着晨衣在房间里走动。于是我把CD一张接一张不停地放进B&O[2]，并在地毯上走来走去，时不时在梳妆台的镜子前停下，审视着镜子里那个只露出两只小眼睛的缠着绷带的怪物。【注：[2] 丹麦皇家视听品牌。】
It was towards the end of the second week, when I was starting to feel a little better both physically and mentally, my nurse handed me an envelope with a knowing smile, saying: “Now that ain’t something you’ll get every day.” Inside was a page of hotel notepaper, and since I’ve got it right here beside me, I’ll quote it just the way it came.
第二个星期快过去的时候，我肉体上和精神上的情况都开始好转。就在这时，我的护士递给我一个信封，神秘地笑了笑，说：“这可不是天天都有的。”信封里是一张酒店的便笺纸。这张纸现在就在我手边，我转抄如下：
The next few days, I tried to pass the time reading, but couldn’t concentrate. Under the bandages, parts of my face throbbed awfully, others itched like hell and I had bouts of feeling hot and claustrophobic. I longed to play my sax, and the thought that it would be weeks yet until I could put my facial muscles under that kind of pressure made me even more despondent. In the end, I worked out the best way to get through the day was to alternate listening to CDs with spells of staring at sheet music — I’d brought the folder of charts and lead sheets I worked with in my cubicle — and humming improvisations to myself.
接下来的几天，我试着用看书来打发时间，却无法集中精神。绷带之下的脸有的地方生疼地抽动，有的地方痒得要命。还有一阵一阵的发热和被关久了的幽闭感。我渴望吹萨克斯，一想到还要过好几周我的面部肌肉才能承受萨克斯的压力，我就更加沮丧。最后，我发现最好的打发大白天的做法不是听CD，而是盯着活页乐谱——我把小卧室里装和弦谱和乐谱的文件夹带来了——哼些即兴的调子。
Gracie tells me you’re getting weary of this high life. I’m that way too. How about you come and visit? If five o’clock tonight isn’t too early for cocktails? Dr. B. says no alcohol, I expect same for you. So looks like club sodas and Perrier. Curse him! See you at five or I’ll be heartbroken. Lindy Gardner.
格雷西告诉我说你厌倦了这种安逸的生活。我也是。你过来看看我，如何？今晚五点喝鸡尾酒会不会太早了？鲍医生说我不能喝酒，我猜你也是。所以看来只有苏打水和矿泉水了。去他的！五点见，不然我会伤心的。琳迪·加德纳。
Lindy gardner had on even more bandages than I did. I’d at least been left an opening at the top, from which my hair sprang up like palms in a desert oasis. But Boris had encased the whole of Lindy’s head so it was a contoured coconut shape, with slots only for eyes, nose and mouth. What had happened to all that luxuriant blonde hair, I didn’t know. Her voice, though, wasn’t as constricted as you’d expect, and I recognised it from the times I’d seen her on TV.
琳迪·加德纳脸上的绷带比我还多。我至少头顶上还留了一块，我的头发就像沙漠里的棕榈树那样露在外面。可鲍里斯把琳迪的整个脑袋都包得严严实实的，活像一个椰子的形状，只在眼睛、鼻子和嘴巴的地方开了条槽。她那头浓密的金发怎么了，我不得而知。她的声音倒是没有受到绷带的影响，我在电视上看见过她几次，听得出她的声音。
Maybe it was because I’d become so bored by this point; or just that my mood was on the up again; or that the thought of having a fellow prisoner to swap stories with was extremely appealing. Or maybe I wasn’t so immune myself to the glamor thing. In any case, despite everything I felt about Lindy Gardner, when I read this, I felt a tingle of excitement, and I found myself telling Gracie to let Lindy know I’d be over at five.
也许是因为我那个时候实在是无聊至极；或者是我的心情又好起来了；或者是觉得有个一起被关的伙伴能聊聊天、说说话很不错。又或者是我并不是对美女完全免疫。总之，虽然我对琳迪·加德纳有种种成见，看了这封信以后，我还是感到兴奋，叫格雷西转告琳迪，我五点过去。
“So how are you finding all this?” she asked. When I replied I wasn’t finding it too bad, she said: “Steve. May I call you Steve? I’ve heard all about you from Gracie.”
“你现在感觉怎么样？”她问道。我回答说感觉还不错。她说：“史蒂夫。我能叫你史蒂夫吗？我从格雷西那里听说了你所有的事情。”
“Well, I know you’re a musician. And a very promising one too.”
“嗯，她说你是个乐手。很有前途的乐手。”
“She told you that?”
“她说的？”
“Oh? I hope she left out the bad part.”
“哦？但愿她略过了不好的地方。”
Her room was significantly bigger than mine, and this was just the lounge part of her suite. We were sitting facing each other on matching white sofas, and between us was a low coffee table made of smoked glass, through which I could see the hunk of driftwood it rested on. Its surface was covered with shiny magazines and a fruit basket still in cellophane. Like me, she had the air-conditioning up high — it gets warm in bandages — and the blinds low over the windows against the evening sun. A maid had just brought me a glass of water and a coffee, both with straws bobbing in them — which is how everything has to be served here — then had left the room.
她的房间比我的大很多，这里只是套房的客厅。我们面对面地坐在一对白色沙发上，中间隔着一张矮矮的烟色玻璃的咖啡桌，能看见玻璃底下垫着的大块浮木。桌上放满了光鲜的杂志和一只未拆掉玻璃纸的水果篮。和我一样，她的空调也开得很大——裹着绷带是很热的——百叶窗也放得低低的，挡住窗外的夕阳。一个女佣给我端来了一杯水和咖啡，两杯里面都浮着吸管——我们喝什么都得用吸管——然后就离开了。
“Steve, you’re tense. I want you to relax when you’re with me. Some famous people, I know, they like the public to be tense around them. Makes them feel all the more special. But I hate that. I want you to treat me just like I’m one of your regular friends. What were you telling me? You were saying you don’t mind this so much.”
“史蒂夫，你在紧张。我希望你和我在一起时不要紧张。我知道有些名人喜欢崇拜者见到他们时觉得紧张。这让他们更加觉得自己与众不同。可我讨厌这样。我希望你把我当成普通朋友。你刚才说什么？你说你不太在意这些。”
In answer to her question, I told her the toughest part for me was not being able to play my sax.
为了回答她的问题，我说我最痛苦的地方是不能吹萨克斯。
“But you can see why Boris won’t let you,” she said. “Just imagine. You blow on that horn a day before you’re ready, pieces of your face will fly out all over the room!”
“可是你应该明白鲍里斯为什么不让你吹，”她说。“试想一下。你还没完全康复之前就去吹那管子，你脸上的肉会飞得屋里到处都是的！”
She seemed to find this pretty funny, waving her hand at me, as though it was me that had made the wisecrack and she was saying: “Stop it, you’re too much!” I laughed with her, and sipped some coffee through the straw. Then she began talking about various friends who’d recently gone through cosmetic surgery, what they’d reported, funny things that had happened to them. Every person she mentioned was a celebrity or else married to one.
她好像被逗乐了，朝我挥了挥手，好像说那俏皮话的人是我。她说：“好了，你笑得太厉害了！”我也笑了，然后用吸管吸了几口咖啡。接着她聊起了最近整了容的朋友，聊他们都说了些什么、他们身上发生了什么好笑的事。她提到的人要么是名人，要么是跟名人结婚的人。
“So you’re a sax player,” she said, suddenly changing the subject. “You made a good choice. It’s a wonderful instrument. You know what I say to all young saxophone players? I tell them to listen to the old pros. I knew this sax player, up-and-coming like you, only ever listened to these far-out guys. Wayne Shorter and people like that. I said to him, you’ll learn more from the old pros. Might not have been so ground-breaking, I said to him, but those old pros knew how to do it. Steve, do you mind if I play you something? To show you exactly what I’m talking about?”
“这么说你是个萨克斯手咯，”她突然改变了话题。“选得好。萨克斯是种好乐器。知道我对所有年轻的萨克斯手说什么吗？我叫他们多听听前辈的作品。我认识一个萨克斯手，和你一样刚刚崭露头角，只听那些喜欢标新立异的人的。韦恩·肖特[3]之类。我对他说，从老一辈人那里你可以学到更多的东西。他们也许不是特别创新，但是他们的技术是一流的。史蒂夫，介不介意我放点东西给你听？好让你明白我的意思？”【注：[3] 美国黑人爵士乐手。】
“No, I don’t mind. But Mrs. Gardner…”
“不，我不介意。可是加德纳太太……”
“Gracie said I was ‘up-and-coming’?”
“格雷西说我‘刚刚崭露头角’？”
“Okay. Lindy. I just wanted to say, I’m not so young. In fact, I’ll be thirty-nine next birthday.”
“好吧。琳迪。我想说，我不年轻了。事实上，我快三十九了。”
“Oh really? Well, that’s still young. But you’re right, I thought you were much younger. With these exclusive masks Boris has given us, it’s hard to tell, right? From what Gracie said, I thought you were this up-and-coming kid, and maybe your parents had paid for this surgery to get you off to a flying start. Sorry, my mistake.”
“哦，真的？那也不老。不过你说得对，我没想到你年纪这么大了。鲍里斯给我们戴上这些一模一样的面具就看不出来了，是不是？听格雷西说的，我以为你是个刚刚崭露头角的孩子，被父母送来这里准备飞黄腾达。对不起，我搞错了。”
“Please. Call me Lindy. We’re equals here.”
“哦，叫我琳迪。在这里没有辈分之分。”
She went over to a cabinet and a moment later held up a CD. “You’ll appreciate this. The sax on this is so perfect.”
她走到一个柜子前，不一会儿拿出了一张CD。“你会喜欢这个的。这首歌里的萨克斯太棒了。”
Her room had a Bang & Olufsen system just like mine, and soon the place filled with lush strings. A few measures in, a sleepy, Ben Webster-ish tenor broke through and proceeded to lead the orchestra. If you didn’t know too much about these things, you could even have mistaken it for one of those Nelson Riddle intros for Sinatra. But the voice that eventually came on belonged to Tony Gardner. The song — I just about remembered it — was something called “Back at Culver City,” a ballad that never quite made it and which no one plays much any more. All the time Tony Gardner sang, the sax kept up with him, replying to him line by line. The whole thing was utterly predictable, and way too sugary.
和我那边一样，她的房里也有一套B&O的音响。不一会儿，房里就响起了悦耳的弦乐声。几小节过后，一个懒洋洋的、本·韦伯斯特[4]式的次中音萨克斯响了起来，接着整个乐队也跟了进来。对这类东西不熟的人会以为是纳尔逊·里德尔[5]在为西纳特拉吹奏歌曲的引子。但最终传来的是托尼·加德纳的声音。这首歌的歌名——我刚刚想起来——是《当时在卡尔弗城时》，一首不是非常流行的民谣，如今也没什么人演了。托尼·加德纳唱着，萨克斯则一路跟着他，一行行地应和着。整首歌平淡无奇，而且太甜了。【注：[4] 美国萨克斯演奏家。[5] 美国作曲家。】
“Don’t be hard on her. She said you were a musician so I asked her your name. And when I said I wasn’t familiar with it, she said, ‘That’s because he’s up-and-coming.’ That’s all it was. Hey, but listen, what does it matter how old you are? You can always learn from the old pros. I want you to listen to this. I think you’ll find it interesting.”
“别难为她。她说你是个音乐家，我就问她你的名字。我说我没听过这个名字，她说：‘那是因为他刚刚崭露头角。’就是这样。好了，听着，你多大又有什么关系呢？你还是可以从老一辈乐手那里学到东西。我想让你听听这个。我想你会喜欢的。”
Tony Gardner stopped singing a moment, the strings swelled into the bridge, and the piano player started a solo. At this point, Lindy seemed to come back to the planet. She stopped swaying around, turned the music off with the remote, then came and sat down in front of me.
托尼·加德纳的声音停了下来，弦乐器在桥段达到高潮，最后只剩下钢琴独奏。这时，琳迪好像回到了人间，停止摇摆，用遥控器关掉音响，然后走过来在我对面坐下。
“Isn’t that marvelous? You see what I mean?”
“是不是很棒？明白我刚才说的话了吗？”
After a while, though, I’d stopped paying much attention to the music because there was Lindy in front of me, gone into a kind of dream, dancing slowly to the song. Her movements were easy and graceful — clearly the surgery hadn’t extended to her body — and she had a shapely, slim figure. She was wearing something that was part night-gown, part cocktail dress; that’s to say, it was at the same time vaguely medical yet glamorous. Also, I was trying to work something out. I’d had the distinct impression Lindy had recently divorced Tony Gardner, but given I’m the nation’s worst when it comes to showbiz gossip, I began to think maybe I’d got it wrong. Otherwise why was she dancing this way, lost in the music, evidently enjoying herself?
不久，我的注意力从音乐上面转移到了琳迪身上。她在我面前缓缓地随着歌曲起舞，自我陶醉了。她动作轻盈、优雅——显然手术没有影响到她的身体——而且她身材苗条、匀称。她穿着一件半是睡衣半是晚礼服的衣服，也就是说，看上去既像病人但又迷人。与此同时，我努力在搞清楚一件事。我印象中琳迪最近刚刚和托尼·加德纳离了婚，但说到演艺圈的八卦，我是全国最差的一个，所以我渐渐地怀疑是我搞错了。要不然她怎么会这样跳着舞，沉醉在音乐里，一副很陶醉的样子？
“The singer. That was who you thought it was. Just because he’s no longer my husband, that doesn’t mean I can’t play his records, right?”
“那个歌手。正是你想的那个人。并不因为他不再是我丈夫了我就不能放他的唱片，不是吗？”
“Oh no, it won’t bore me. But I hope you don’t think I’m nosy. Tony always used to say I was nosy, I should just let people be, but you know, I think he was just being snobby. A lot of famous people, they think they should be interested only in other famous people. I’ve never been that way. I see everybody as a potential friend. Take Gracie. She’s my friend. All my staff at home, they’re also my friends. You should see me at parties. Everyone else, they’re talking to each other about their latest movie or whatever, I’m the one having a conversation with the catering girl or the bartender. I don’t think that’s being nosy, do you?”
“哦，不，不会的。可我希望你不要觉得我多管闲事。托尼总说我爱多管闲事，我不应该干涉别人的事。可你知道，我觉得他那是势利。很多名人认为他们应该只对其他名人感兴趣。可我从不这么想。我把每个人都当作可能的朋友。比如说格雷西。她就是我的朋友。我家里所有的用人，他们也都是我的朋友。再比如在派对上。其他人都相互聊着他们最新的电影什么的，只有我和女服务员或者吧台的男招待聊天。我不觉得这是多管闲事，你觉得呢？”
“No, of course not.”
“啊，当然不是。”
“And that’s a lovely saxophone. You see now why I wanted you to hear it.”
“而且歌里的萨克斯很美。现在明白我为什么要你听这个了吧。”
“I’m sorry?”
“什么？”
“The next time you come, sweetie, I want you to bring them. I want to hear how you sound. Will you do that?”
“亲爱的，你下次过来时把它们拿过来。我想听听你的演奏。好吗？”
“Steve, are there recordings of you somewhere? I mean, of your own playing?”
“史蒂夫，你有唱片吗？我指你自己演奏的？”
“Yeah, it was beautiful.”
“是，很美。”
“Your ears weren’t deceiving you, by the way.”
“对了，你的耳朵没有骗你。”
“Yeah, that was beautiful,” I said, not sure whether we were still only talking about the sax.
“是，很美，”我说道，心想不知道现在是不是还只谈论萨克斯。
“Sure. In fact I have a few CDs with me next door.”
“当然有了。事实上隔壁就有几张CD。”
“Okay, if it’s not going to bore you.”
“好的，但愿你不嫌弃。”
“No, I don’t think that’s nosy at all. But look, Mrs. Gardner…”
“不，我丝毫不觉得那是多管闲事。不过，你瞧，加德纳太太……”
“Lindy, please.”
“请叫我琳迪。”
I had to reassure her some more that I’d had a good time and that I’d come back. Then as I was going out the door, she said:
我不得不再次向她保证我今天聊得很愉快，我一定会再来。我正要出门时，她突然说道：
“Oh, you’re not feeling well?”
“哦，你不舒服？”
“Lindy. Look, it’s been fabulous being with you. But these drugs, they really tire me out. I think I’m going to have to go lie down for a while.”
“琳迪。你瞧，跟你聊天真是太愉快了。可是这些药物真的把我搞得很累。我想我得回去躺一会儿。”
“It’s nothing. It’s just these drugs.”
“没什么。只是这些药。”
“Steve, do you play chess? I’m the world’s worst chess player, but I’ve got the cutest chess set. Meg Ryan brought it in for me last week.”
“史蒂夫，你下象棋吗？我是全世界下象棋下得最糟的，可我有一副很可爱的象棋。上周梅格·瑞安[6]带来给我的。”【注：[6] 美国女演员。】
“Too bad! You definitely have to come back when you’re feeling better. And bring those recordings, the ones with you playing. Is that a deal?”
“太糟了！你感觉好一些的时候一定要再过来。把那些唱片带来，你演奏的唱片。说定了？”
Back in my own room, I took a Coke from the minibar, sat down at the writing desk and looked out my window. There was a big pink sunset now, we were a long way up, and I could see the cars moving along the freeway in the distance. After a few minutes I phoned Bradley, and though his secretary kept me on hold a long time, he eventually came on the line.
回到房里，我从迷你冰箱里拿了瓶可乐，在写字桌前坐下，看着窗外。窗外是一大片粉红色的夕阳。我们住得很高，我能看见远处高速公路上来来往往的汽车。几分钟后，我打电话给布拉德利。他的秘书让我等了很长时间，但他最后终于来听电话了。
“Are you all right? You sound… dispirited.”
“你还好吧？你听上去……无精打采的。”
“How should I know? I’m still the Invisible Man.”
“我怎么知道？我仍旧是个隐形人。”
“How’s the face?” he asked worriedly, like he was inquiring after a well-loved pet he’d left in my care.
“脸怎么样了？”他担心地问，好像在询问一只他放在我这里托管的心爱的宠物。
“What’s the matter with you? You sound depressed. What have they been pumping into you?”
“你是怎么了？你听上去情绪低落。他们给你灌什么了？”
“I’m fine. In fact, my head’s straighter than it’s been for a long while. That’s the trouble. I can see it now. Your scheme… I should never have listened to you.”
“我很好。事实上，现在我的头脑比以前清楚多了。所以麻烦就来了。现在我看明白了。你的计划……我真不应该听你的。”
There was a moment’s silence, then he asked: “The operation’s a failure?”
一阵沉默。接着他问道：“手术失败了？”
“I am dispirited. This whole thing was a mistake. I can see that now. It’s not going to work.”
“我确实无精打采。这整件事都错了。我现在看明白了。事情不会成的。”
“What is this? What scheme? Look, Steve, this isn’t complicated. You’re a very talented artist. When you’re through with this, all you do is what you’ve always done. Just now you’re simply removing an obstacle, that’s all. There’s no scheme…”
“你说什么呢？什么计划？听着，史蒂夫，事情很简单。你是个很有天赋的艺术家。等这件事过了，你还和以前一样该做什么做什么。你现在只是在清除一个障碍，没别的。没有什么计划……”
“I’m sure the operation’s fine. I mean all the rest of it, what it’s going to lead to. This scheme… It’s never going to play out the way you said. I should never have let you talk me into it.”
“我肯定手术没问题。我是说其余的部分，这事的发展。这个计划……事情的结果不会是像你说的那个样子。我真不应该被你说动。”
“Look, Bradley, it’s bad here. It’s not just the physical discomfort. I realise now what I’m doing to myself. It’s been a mistake, I should have had more respect for myself.”
“听着，布拉德利，这里糟透了。不只是肉体上的难受。我现在意识到我在对自己做什么了。整件事都错了。我应该更看得起自己一些。”
“What’s wrong is I’ve got Lindy Gardner right next door. And she just invited me over, and she’s going to keep on inviting me over. That’s what’s wrong!”
“怎么了？就是琳迪·加德纳住在我隔壁。她刚刚请我过去，叫我以后还要去。就是这么了！”
“She put on her husband’s record! Fuck it, I think she’s playing another one right now. This is what I’ve come to. This is my level now.”
“她放她丈夫的唱片！妈的，我想她现在又在放另一张。我现在堕落到这种地步了。跟她那种人。”
“Damn right something happened. That’s why I’m calling, I need you to get me out of this. I need you to get me to a different hotel.”
“是他妈的出事了。所以我才给你打电话。我要你把我从这里弄出去。我要你给我换家酒店？”
“Steve, what’s triggered this? Did something just happen over there?”
“史蒂夫，什么事让你突然想说这些？出了什么事？”
“Lindy Gardner’s next door?”
“琳迪·加德纳住在隔壁？”
“Steve, you’re telling me Lindy Gardner’s next door? You spent time with her?”
“史蒂夫，你是说琳迪·加德纳住在隔壁？你还去看了她？”
“Look, I can’t go through that again. I’ve just been in there, it was all I could do to stay as long as I did. And now she’s saying we have to play with her Meg Ryan chess set…”
“听着，我受不了再去一次。我刚刚去了，耐着性子待在那里。现在她说我们要玩她那副梅格·瑞安的象棋……”
“Different hotel? Who are you? Crown Prince Abdullah? What the fuck’s wrong with the hotel?”
“换家酒店？你以为你是谁？阿卜杜拉王储啊？那家酒店他妈的怎么了？”
“So you weren’t rude to her?” he asked as soon as I was through.
“那么你没有对她无礼？”我一说完他就这么问道。
I did calm down then for a while, and I gave a brief account of how Lindy had asked me over, and the way things had gone.
这时我确实暂时冷静下来了。我就简要地告诉他琳迪怎么请我过去，后来又发生了什么事。
“No, I wasn’t rude to her. I kept it all held in. But I’m not going back in there. I need to change hotels.”
“没有，我没有对她无礼。我一直忍着。可是我不会再去了。我要换酒店。”
“Steve, you’re not going to change hotels. Lindy Gardner? She’s in bandages, you’re in bandages. She’s right next door. Steve, this is a golden opportunity.”
“史蒂夫，你不能换酒店。琳迪·加德纳？她缠着绷带，你也缠着绷带。她就住在你隔壁。史蒂夫，这是一个绝好的机会。”
“Steve, hold it, let’s go over this again. Steve, just shut the fuck up, then explain it to me. Explain to me how you get to be with Lindy Gardner.”
“打住，史蒂夫，把事情从头说一遍。史蒂夫，你他妈的闭嘴，把整件事解释给我听。解释一下你怎么会去看琳迪·加德纳。”
“It’s nothing of the sort, Bradley. It’s inner-circle hell. Her Meg Ryan chess set for God’s sake!”
“没有的事，布拉德利。这里是名流地狱。她那副梅格·瑞安的象棋，我的老天！”
“I’m asking you to deal with this, Bradley. Okay, I’m in deep, I’ve had the surgery, you talked me into it, because I was fool enough to believe what you said. But I don’t have to put up with this. I don’t have to spend the next two weeks with Lindy Gardner. I’m asking you to get me moved pronto!”
“我要你摆平这件事，布拉德利。我现在真是麻烦大了，我做了手术，你说动我做的，我居然傻到相信了你的话。可我用不着忍受这个。我用不着接下来两个星期都得和琳迪·加德纳在一起。我要你马上把我搬出去！”
“Meg Ryan chess set? How does that work? Every piece looks like Meg?”
“梅格·瑞安的象棋？什么意思？棋子长得像梅格·瑞安？”
“She wants to… Jesus, Steve, you haven’t even got the bandages off and everything’s going your way. She wants to hear you play?”
“她要你……天啊，史蒂夫，你还没把绷带拆掉就已经撞大运了。她想听你演奏？”
“And she wants to hear my playing! She’s insisting next time I take in CDs!”
“她还要听我演奏！她要我下次一定带CD过去！”
“It won’t be big-league anything, Bradley, because I’m not going over there again, and I don’t want any doors opening for me other than ones that open because of my music. And I don’t believe what you said before, I don’t believe this crap about a scheme…”
“没有什么大明星，布拉德利，因为我不会再过去了，我也不要什么门为我打开，除非是因为我的音乐。我不相信你以前说的那些话，我不相信什么计划不计划的……”
“Bradley, very soon you won’t have to be concerned about my stitches at all, because you know what? I’m going to pull off this mummy mask and I’m going to put my fingers into the corners of my mouth and yank my face into every kind of stretchy combination possible! Do you hear me, Bradley?”
“布拉德利，很快你就不用再担心我脸上的线了，知道为什么吗？我要把这副木乃伊面具拆下来，我要把手指伸到嘴里去，使劲拉我的脸，能拉成什么样就拉成什么样。你听到了吗，布拉德利？”
“I don’t think you should be expressing yourself so emphatically. I’m very concerned about those stitches…”
“你别讲得这么激动。我很担心你脸上的线。”
“I’m not getting you moved anywhere. Do you realise how important a person Lindy Gardner is? You know the kind of people she’s pals with? What she could do for you with one phone call? Okay, she’s divorced from Tony Gardner now. That doesn’t change a thing. Get her on your team, get your new face, doors will open. It’ll be big league, five seconds flat.”
“我不会把你搬出去的。你知不知道琳迪·加德纳是多重要的人物？你知不知道她都和哪些人往来，她打个电话就能替你做什么事？没错，如今她是和托尼·加德纳离婚了。可这没有影响。拉拢她，加上你的新面孔，大门就为你打开了。你会成为大明星的，只要一眨眼的工夫。”
I heard him sigh. Then he said: “Okay, calm down. Just calm down. You’ve been under a lot of stress lately. It’s understandable. If you don’t want to see Lindy right now, if you want to let gold go floating by, okay, I understand your position. But be polite, okay? Make a good excuse. Don’t burn any bridges.”
我听到他叹了口气，然后说：“好吧，冷静。冷静。你最近压力太大。我可以理解。如果你现在不想见到琳迪，如果你想让这么好的机会白白溜走，好吧，我理解你的立场。但是要礼貌，好吗？找个好借口。别断了后路。”
Lee’s okay and I was pleased to see him. He stayed for an hour or so, and we swapped news of mutual friends, who was in which band, who’d packed their bags and gone to Canada or to Europe.
李是个不错的家伙，我很高兴见到他。他待了一个小时左右，我们交换彼此都认识的朋友的新闻，谁在哪个乐队，谁收拾行李去了加拿大或者欧洲。
I felt a lot better after this talk with Bradley, and had a reasonably contented evening, watching half a movie, then listening to Bill Evans. The next morning after breakfast, Dr. Boris came in with two nurses, seemed satisfied and left. A little later, around eleven, I had a visitor — a drummer called Lee who I’d played with in a house band in San Diego a few years ago. Bradley, who’s also Lee’s manager, had suggested he come by.
跟布拉德利通完电话以后，我感觉好多了，过了一个相当惬意的晚上，看了半部电影，然后听比尔·埃文斯[7]的CD。第二天早餐过后，鲍里斯医生和两个护士过来，看似很满意就离开了。不久之后，十一点左右，有人来看望我——一个叫李的鼓手，几年前我在圣地亚哥的一支室内乐队里和他共事过。布拉德利也是他的经纪人，让他过来看我。【注：[7] 美国爵士乐钢琴家。】
“It’s too bad how so many of the old team aren’t around any more,” he said. “You have great times together, next thing you don’t know where they are.”
“好多老队友都走了，不在了，太可惜了，”他说。“大家本来相处得很愉快，可转眼你就不知道对方身在何处了。”
He told me about his recent gigs, and we laughed over some memories from our San Diego days. Then towards the end of his visit, he said:
他聊了聊他最近接的活，我们回忆了在圣地亚哥的一些时光，聊得很开心。就在他的来访接近尾声时，他说道：
“It’s strange all right,” I said. “But then again, Jake was always a good musician. He deserves what he’s getting.”
“是很奇怪，”我说。“可话说回来，杰克一直是个好乐手。他现在的成就是他应得的。”
“And what about Jake Marvell? What do you make of it? Strange world, ain’t it?”
“那杰克·马弗尔呢？你怎么解释？世界真奇怪，不是吗？”
“Jake was always a nice guy,” I said. “And as far as I’m concerned, it’s good to see any sax player getting recognition.”
“杰克一直是个好人，”我说，“就我而言，看见任何一个萨克斯手得到认可都是好的。”
“Yeah, but it’s strange. Remember how Jake was back then? In San Diego? Steve, you could have blown him off the stage every night of the week. And now look at him. Is that just luck or what?”
“是，可还是奇怪啊。记得那时候的杰克吗？在圣地亚哥时？史蒂夫，你随便哪一天晚上都有可能把他赶下台去。现在看看他。纯粹是运气还是其他？”
“Recognition’s right,” Lee said. “And right here in this hotel too. Let me see, I’ve got it here.” He rummaged in his bag and produced a tattered copy of LA Weekly. “Yeah, here it is. The Simon and Wesbury Music Awards. Jazz Musician of the Year. Jake Marvell. Let’s see, when is this fucker? Tomorrow down in the ballroom. You could take a stroll down those stairs and attend the ceremony.” He put down the paper and shook his head. “Jake Marvell. Jazz Musician of the Year. Who’d have thought it, eh, Steve?”
“认可是没错，”李说。“而且还就在这家酒店。我找找，我带着呢。”他在包里找了一通，掏出一份皱巴巴的《洛杉矶周报》。“找到了，在这里。西蒙韦斯伯里音乐奖。年度最佳爵士乐手。杰克·马弗尔。看看，什么时候举行？明天在楼下舞厅。你可以溜达下去参加颁奖仪式。”他放下报纸，摇了摇头。“杰克·马弗尔。年度最佳爵士乐手。谁想得到呢，啊，史蒂夫？”
“I guess I won’t make it downstairs,” I said. “But I’ll remember to raise a glass to him.”
“我想我是不可能下楼的，”我说。“但我会记得举杯祝贺的。”
“Jake Marvell. Boy, is this a screwed-up world or what?”
“杰克·马弗尔。天啊，这世界是不是疯了？”
About an hour after lunch, the phone rang and it was Lindy.
午饭后大约一个小时，电话铃响了，是琳迪。
SHE TOO HAD ON a dressing gown, but it was the kind she could have worn to a movie premiere without too much embarrassment. Sure enough, the chess set was there on the low glass table, and we sat down on opposite sides like before and began a game. Maybe because we had something to do with our hands, things felt much more relaxed than the last time. As we played, we found ourselves talking about this and that: TV shows, her favourite European cities, Chinese food. There was far less name-dropping this time round, and she seemed much calmer. At one point she said:
琳迪也穿着晨衣，可她穿着这身衣服去参加个电影首映礼也没多大问题。棋盘确实已经在矮矮的玻璃桌上摆好了。我们像上次那样面对面坐下，开始下棋。大概是因为有事可做，这次的气氛比上次轻松多了。我们边下棋边东聊西聊：电视节目啦、她最喜欢的欧洲城市啦、中国菜啦。这次没有像上次那样提到很多人的名字，她似乎也比上次安静许多。下着下着，她突然说道：
“The chess set’s all laid out, sweetie,” she said. “You ready to play? Don’t say no, I’m going crazy here with boredom. Oh, and don’t forget now, bring those CDs. I’m just dying to hear your playing.”
“棋盘摆好了，亲爱的，”她说。“过来玩吧？别说不行，我无聊得快发疯了。哦，别忘了带CD过来。我太想听你的演奏了。”
I put down the phone, then sat on the edge of the bed trying to figure out how it was I hadn’t stood my ground better. In fact, I hadn’t put up even a hint of a “no.” Maybe it was plain spinelessness. Or maybe I’d taken on board much more of Bradley’s argument on the phone than I’d admitted. But now there wasn’t time to think about it, because I had to decide which of my CDs were most likely to impress her. The more avant-garde stuff was definitely out, as was the stuff I’d recorded with the electro-funk guys in San Francisco last year. In the end, I chose just the one CD, changed into a fresh shirt, put my dressing gown back over the top and went next door.
我放下电话，坐在床边，想不通刚才为什么没有更加坚定自己的立场。我甚至连暗示说“不”都没有。也许我就是没有骨气。也有可能我虽然嘴上不承认，但其实认同了布拉德利的话。可是现在没时间想这些了，我得赶紧决定我的哪些CD最有可能感动她。前卫的是肯定不行的，比如去年我在旧金山跟一群电子乐手合录的那些。最后，我选了一张CD，换上干净的衬衫，再把晨衣披上，到隔壁去。
“You know what I do to stop myself going crazy in this place? My big secret? I’ll tell you, but not a word, not even to Gracie, promise? What I do is go out for midnight walks. Just inside this building, but it’s so vast you can walk around forever. And in the dead of night, it’s amazing. Last night I was out there maybe a whole hour? You have to be careful, there’s still staff roving around all the time, but I’ve never been caught. I hear anything at all, I run away and hide somewhere. Once these cleaning guys saw me for a second, but like that I was away into the shadows! It’s so exciting. All day you’re this prisoner, then it’s like you’re completely free, it’s truly wonderful. I’m gonna take you with me some night, sweetie. I’ll show you great things. The bars, the restaurants, conference rooms. Wonderful ballroom. And there’s no one there, everything’s just dark and empty. And I discovered the most fantastic place, a kind of penthouse, I think it’s gonna be a presidential suite? They’re halfway through building it, but I found it and I was able to walk right in, and I stayed there, twenty minutes, half an hour, just thinking things over. Hey, Steve, is this right? I can do this and take your queen?”
“你知道我怎么没让自己在这个地方待到疯掉吗？我的秘诀？我来告诉你，可你不能说出去，对格雷西也不能说，好吗？我的秘诀就是半夜出去散步。只在这栋楼里，但是楼很大，可以走个不停。而且夜深人静的时候真是太不可思议了。昨天晚上我走了有一个小时？你也得当心，还是一直都有工作人员在走来走去，但是我从来没有被人撞见。我一听到动静就跑开躲起来。有一次清洁工瞥见了我，但是我马上躲到阴影里去了！太刺激了。整个白天你是个囚犯，到了晚上，你就好像完全自由了，真的是太好玩了。哪天晚上我带你一起去，亲爱的。我带你看好东西。酒吧、餐厅、会议室，还有很棒的舞厅。一个人也没有，又空又黑。我还发现了一个最有意思的地方，一间顶层公寓，我想以后是总统套房？建了一半，可被我找到了，我还进得去。我待在那里，二十分钟，半个小时，在那里想事情。嘿，史蒂夫，这样对吗？我可以这样走，吃掉你的皇后吗？”
“That’s right.”
“结了。”
“All right, I tell you what. Since you’re the guest, and you were obviously distracted by what I was saying, I’m gonna pretend I never saw it. Isn’t that nice of me? Say, Steve, I can’t remember if I asked you this before. You’re married, right?”
“好吧，听我说。你是客人，而且听我说话确实让你分心了。我就假装没看见。我是不是很好？对了，史蒂夫，我不记得问没问过你。你结婚了吧？”
“She’s okay about it. In fact, this was her idea in the first place. Look who’s not paying attention now.”
“她同意这件事。事实上，这事最初是她的想法。看看现在是谁不专心了？”
“Oh. Yeah, I guess so. I didn’t see that. Hey, Lindy, you’re a lot smarter at this than you let on. Now what am I supposed to do?”
“哦。对，我想是。我没看见。嘿，琳迪，你说你不会下棋，可实际上你挺行的嘛。现在我要怎么走呢？”
“Actually she hasn’t been here at all. But that was always the understanding we had, before I came in here.”
“她一次也没来过。可这是我们的共识，在我来这里之前。”
“Yeah?”
“哦？”
“Oh hell. I’m such a lousy player anyway. Say, I don’t mean to be nosy, but does she come visit you much?”
“哦，该死。反正我下得很臭。我不是要多管闲事，可她经常来看你吗？”
“So what does she think of all this? I mean, this isn’t cheap. Quite a few pairs of shoes she could buy with this kind of money.”
“她对这件事怎么看？我的意思是这不便宜。用这些钱她可以买好几双鞋。”
She seemed puzzled so I said: “It might sound odd, I know, but that’s the way we wanted to do it.”
她好像没听懂，我就说：“是挺奇怪，我知道。可我们说好了要这样。”
“Right.” Then after a while she said: “So does that mean no one comes to visit you here?”
“好吧。”过了一会儿，她说道：“那是不是说没人来看你呢？”
“There’s this saxophone player we both knew a few years back, in San Diego, guy called Jake Marvell. Maybe you’ve heard of him. He’s big-league now. But back then, when we knew him, he was nothing. In fact, he was a phoney. What you’d call a bluffer. Never knew his way around the keys properly. And I’ve heard him recently, plenty of times, and he hasn’t gotten any better. But he’s had a few breaks and now he’s considered hot. I swear to you he’s not one bit better than he used to be, not one bit. And you know what this news was? This same guy, Jake Marvell, he’s getting a big music award tomorrow, right here in this hotel. Jazz Musician of the Year. It’s just crazy, you know? So many talented sax players out there, and they decide to give it to Jake.”
“几年前我们认识了一个萨克斯手，在圣地亚哥，一个叫杰克·马弗尔的人。你可能听说过他。如今他是个明星了。可那个时候，我们认识他的时候，他还默默无闻。但他其实是个骗子、冒牌货。从来都找不着调。最近我也听过他的演出，好几次，没有比以前进步。可他交了几次好运，如今成了红人了。我向你发誓他没有比以前好到哪儿去，一点也没有。可你知道是什么新闻吗？就是这家伙，杰克·马弗尔，明天要参加一个盛大的音乐奖颁奖礼，就在这家酒店。年度最佳爵士乐手。真是疯了，你知道吗？那么多的有才华的萨克斯手，他们却决定要把奖给杰克？”
“I get visitors. Matter of fact, someone called this morning. Musician I used to work with.”
“有人来看我。其实今天早上就有。我以前共事的乐手。”
“Sure.” Then I said: “The guy who came to see me today, he told me some news. It was kind of strange. A coincidence.”
“好的。”然后我说道，“今天来看我的那家伙给我带来一条新闻。有点奇怪。挺巧的。”
“Oh yeah? That’s good. You know, sweetie, I’ve never been sure how these knights move. If you see me do something wrong, you just say, okay? It’s not me trying to pull a fast one.”
“哦，是吗？那太好了。亲爱的，我一直都搞不清楚马怎么走。你要是发现我走错了就告诉我，好吗？我不是有意要作弊的。”
“Yeah?”
“嗯哼？”
Lindy was sitting up, her attention fully on me. “That’s too bad. And this guy, he’s no good, you say?”
琳迪坐了起来，把注意力全都放在我身上。“太糟了。你说这个人根本不优秀？”
I made myself stop, and looking up from the chess board, did a little laugh. “What can you do?” I said, more gently.
我停了下来，抬头看着棋盘对面的琳迪，笑了笑，用平静了些的语气说道：“你能怎么办？”
“He’s as good as the next guy. I was just talking. I’m sorry, you have to ignore me.”
“他不比其他人差。我说说而已。对不起，你不用搭理我。”
“I’m sorry, I was kind of out of line there. They want to give Jake an award, why shouldn’t they?”
“对不起，我有点失态了。他们想颁给杰克一个奖，有什么不可以呢？”
“But if he’s no good…”
“可要是他根本不优秀……”
I indicated the CD beside me on the sofa. “I don’t know if it would interest you. You don’t have to listen…”
我指了指身旁沙发上的CD。“不晓得你会不会有兴趣。你用不着非得听……”
“Hey, that reminds me,” Lindy said. “Did you remember to bring your music?”
“嘿，对了，”琳迪说道。“你把你的唱片带来了吗？”
She was examining the CD case, holding it close to her face, then away from her again. “So are you in this picture?” She brought it up close again. “I’m kind of curious what you look like. Or I should say, what you looked like.”
她端详着CD封面，先拿近了看，又拿开，又拿近，说：“你在封面上吗？我很好奇你长什么样。或者我应该说，你以前长什么样。”
“Oh, but I do, I absolutely do. Here, let me see it.”
“哦，可我要听，一定要。来，给我看看。”
I handed her the CD. “It’s a band I played with in Pasadena. We played standards, old-fashioned swing, a little bossa nova. Nothing special, I just brought it because you asked.”
我把CD递给她。“这是我在帕萨迪纳市时共事的一支乐队。我们演奏经典曲目，老派的摇摆乐，有点巴萨诺瓦。没什么特别的地方，只是你要我带我就带了。”
“I’m second from the right. In the Hawaiian shirt, holding the ironing board.”
“右边第二个。穿着一件夏威夷衬衫，拿着烫衣板。”
“This one?” She stared at the CD, then over at me. Then she said: “Hey, you’re cute.” But she said it quietly, in a voice devoid of conviction. In fact, I noted a definite touch of pity there. Almost immediately, though, she’d recovered. “Okay, so let’s hear it!”
“这个？”她看了看CD，然后又看着我，说，“嘿，你长得很可爱。”可是她的声音很轻，一点儿都不让人信服，我甚至能清楚地感觉到有丝丝的怜悯。然而她马上回过神来。“好，我们来听听看！”
“‘The Nearness of You’ coming up.”
“《你在身旁》来了。”
I’d settled on this track after some thought. The musicians in that band had been top-notch. Individually we’d all had more radical ambitions, but we’d formed the band with the express purpose of playing quality mainstream material, the sort the supper crowd would want. Our version of “The Nearness of You” — which featured my tenor all the way through — wasn’t a hundred miles from Tony Gardner territory, but I’d always been genuinely proud of it. Maybe you think you’ve heard this song done every way possible. Well, listen to ours. Listen, say, to that second chorus. Or to that moment as we come out of the middle eight, when the band go III-5 to VIx-9 while I rise up in intervals you’d never believe possible and then hold that sweet, very tender high B-flat. I think there are colors there, longings and regrets, you won’t have come across before.
我是经过一番思考才选了这首歌的。这支乐队里的成员水平很高。作为个人我们都有更加激进的理想，但是我们组了这么个乐队，专门演奏一些优秀的主流作品，晚餐食客们喜欢听的那种。我们演奏的《你在身旁》——我的萨克斯贯穿整首歌——并非完全颠覆托尼·加德纳的版本，但是我总是引以为豪。你可能会想这首歌的各种版本你都听过了。好吧，听听我们的。比如说，听听副歌第二段。或是中间的八个小节，乐队从Ⅲ5和弦升到Ⅵx9和弦时，我的萨克斯一直高上去，期间的跨度是你无法想象的，然后停留在那甜蜜的、非常温柔的降B大调。我觉得我的演绎赋予了歌曲不一样的味道，渴望、悔恨，你以前一定没有听过。
As she moved towards the Bang & Olufsen, I said: “Track number nine. ‘The Nearness of You.’ That’s my special track.”
她朝音响走去，我说道：“第九首，《你在身旁》，是我的特别曲目。”
So you could say I was confident this recording would meet with Lindy’s approval. And for the first minute or so, she looked to be enjoying herself. She’d stayed on her feet after loading the CD, and just like the time she’d played me her husband’s record, she began swaying dreamily to the slow beat. But then the rhythm faded from her movements, until she was standing there quite still, her back to me, head bent forward like she was concentrating. I didn’t at first see this as a bad sign. It was only when she came walking back and sat down with the music still in full flow, I realised something was wrong. Because of the bandages, of course, I couldn’t read her expression, but the way she let herself slump into the sofa, like a tense mannequin, didn’t look good.
因此可以说，我有信心这首歌能让琳迪满意。头一两分钟，她似乎很享受。把CD放进去以后她就站在原地，像上次放她丈夫的唱片时那样开始随着缓缓的节拍恍恍惚惚地摇摆起来。可是渐渐地，她的动作越来越小，最后站在那里不动了，背对着我，低着头，像是在专心思考。一开始我并不觉得这是什么坏兆头。可歌还没播完，她就走回来坐下，这时我才意识到有哪里不对了。隔着绷带，我当然没办法看到她的表情，可是她跌倒在沙发里的样子可不好看，像个紧绷绷的模特衣架。
“That was very nice,” she said. “Thank you for letting me hear it.” It sounded formulaic, and she didn’t seem to mind that it did.
“很好听，”她说。“谢谢你给我听这个。”很客套，而她似乎并不在意她的话说得这么没有诚意。
When the track ended, I picked up the remote and turned it all off. For what felt a long time, she stayed the way she was, stiff and awkward. Then she hauled herself up a little and began fingering a chess piece.
歌播完了，我拿起桌上的遥控器，把音响整个儿关掉了。琳迪还是那么坐着，姿势僵硬、难看。似乎过了很久，她才稍微振作起来，伸手抚弄一颗棋子。
“Maybe it wasn’t quite your kind of thing.”
“这首歌大概不合你的胃口。”
“No, no.” Her voice had become sulky and quiet. “It was just fine. Thank you for letting me hear it.” She put the chess piece down on a square, then said: “Your move.”
“没有，没有。”她的声音变得阴沉、冷淡。“很不错。谢谢你给我听这个。”说着她走出手里的棋子，说道，“轮到你了。”
I looked at the board, trying to remember where we were. After a while, I asked gently: “Maybe that particular song, it has special associations for you?”
我看着棋盘，努力回忆我们下到哪里。片刻后，我轻声问道：“也许那首歌，那首歌让你产生特别的联想？”
She looked up and I sensed anger behind her bandages. But she said in the same quiet voice: “That song? It has no associations. None at all.” Suddenly she laughed — a short, unkind laugh. “Oh, you mean associations with him, with Tony? No, no. It was never one of his numbers. You play it very nicely. Really professional.”
她抬起头来，我能感觉到绷带后面的怒气。可她还是用冷冷的声音说道：“那首歌？没有什么联想。没有。”突然她笑了起来——短促的、冷酷的笑。“哦，你是说有关他的联想，有关托尼的？没有，没有。他从没唱过那首歌。你吹得很好。很专业。”
“Really professional? What’s that supposed to mean?”
“很专业？什么意思？”
“I mean… that it’s really professional. I mean it as a compliment.”
“意思就是……就是很专业。我是在表扬你。”
“Professional?” I got to my feet, crossed the room and got the disc out of the machine.
“专业？”我站了起来，走过去把碟从音响里拿出来。
“What are you so mad about?” Her voice was still distant and cold. “I say something wrong? I’m sorry. I was trying to be nice.”
“你生什么气？”她的声音仍旧冷冰冰的。“我说错话了？抱歉。我没有恶意。”
I came back to the table, put the disc back in its case, but didn’t sit down.
我走回桌子边，把碟放进盒子里，但没有坐下。
“So we going to finish the game?” she asked.
“棋还下吗？”她问。
“I’m not mad at all. Time’s getting on, that’s all.”
“我没有生气。时间晚了，就这样。”
“If you don’t mind, I’ve got a few things I have to do. Phone calls. Paperwork.”
“你若不介意，我有一些事情得处理。电话啦，文件啦。”
“What are you so mad about? I don’t understand.”
“你生什么气？我不明白。”
I’ve said already how my sleep rhythm had been screwed up after the surgery. That evening I became suddenly tired, went to bed early, slept soundly for a few hours, then woke in the dead of night unable to go back to sleep. After a while I got up and turned on the TV. I found a movie I’d seen as a kid, so pulled up a chair and watched what remained of it with the volume down low. When that was over I watched two preachers shouting at each other in front of a baying audience. All in all, I was contented. I felt cosy and a million miles from the outside world. So my heart just about jumped out of my chest when the phone rang.
我说过手术以后我的睡眠规律被打乱了。那天晚上我突然觉得累，早早睡觉，酣睡了几个小时，半夜醒来，就睡不着了。我躺了一会儿就起来开电视。我发现一部小时候看的电影，就拖了把椅子过来，声音开得小小的，把剩下的看完。看完了以后，我又看两名传教士在一群叫嚣怂恿的看客面前吵来吵去。总的说来我很满意。我感觉惬意，觉得自己远离了外面的世界。所以当电话响起时，我的心脏都快跳出来了。
She at least got to her feet to walk me to the door, where we parted with a cold handshake.
她终于站起来，送我到门口。我们冷冷地握手道别。
I realised now she wasn’t drunk, but I couldn’t put my finger on what was up with her. She probably wasn’t high on anything either — just peculiarly awake and maybe excited about something she had to tell me.
此时我听出来她并没有喝醉，可我仍搞不清楚她是怎么了。她也不一定就是喝醉了——可能只是睡不着，有话想跟我说，所以兴奋。
“I don’t want to say. I want it to be a surprise.”
“我不想说。我要给你一个惊喜。”
“Oh? And what might that be?”
“哦？是什么呢？”
“You sure everything’s okay?” I asked again.
“真的没事？”我又问了一遍。
“Yeah, it’s me.”
“是我。”
“Is everything okay?” I asked.
“没事吧？”我问道。
“Sure. Everything’s good. Very good.”
“没事。都好。好得很。”
“I guess so. It’s difficult keeping regular hours.”
“我想是吧。如今很难正常起居。”
“Steve? That you?” It was Lindy. Her voice sounded odd and I wondered if she’d been drinking.
“史蒂夫？是你吗？”是琳迪。她的声音怪怪的，像是喝了酒。
“Yeah, really, but… Look, sweetie, I have something here, something I want to give to you.”
“没事，真的，可是……听着，亲爱的，我有个东西，我有个东西想给你。”
“I know it’s late. But just now, when I was passing, I saw your light on under your door. I supposed you were having trouble sleeping, just like me.”
“我知道很晚了。可是我刚才路过的时候看见门缝底下有光。我想你和我一样睡不着。”
“Yeah. It sure is.”
“是啊。肯定。”
“Sounds interesting. I’ll come and get it, maybe after breakfast?”
“有意思。我什么时候过去拿吧，嗯，早饭以后？”
“I was kinda hoping you’d come and get it now. I mean, it’s here, and you’re awake and I’m awake. I know it’s late, but… Listen, Steve, about earlier, about what happened. I feel I owe you an explanation.”
“我希望你现在就过来拿。我是说，东西在这里，而且你醒着，我也醒着。我知道很晚了，可是……听着，史蒂夫，今天白天，下午的事，我觉得我欠你一个解释。”
“Forget it. I didn’t mind…”
“忘了吧。我不介意……”
“You were mad at me because you thought I didn’t like your music. Well, that wasn’t true. That was the reverse of the truth, the exact reverse. What you played me, that version of ‘Nearness of You’? I haven’t been able to get it out of my head. No, I don’t mean head, I mean heart. I haven’t been able to get it out of my heart.”
“你以为我不喜欢你的音乐，所以生我的气。不是的。不是这样的，恰恰相反。你给我听的，那个版本的《你在身旁》，我怎么也不能把它赶出脑海。不，我指的不是头脑，我指的是心。我怎么也不能把它赶出心扉。”
I didn’t know what to say, and before I could think of anything she was talking again.
我不知道该说什么，不等我回答，她又说道：
She took the CD from me as soon as she opened the door, like I was the delivery boy, but then grasped me by the wrist and led me in. Lindy was in the same glamorous dressing gown as before, but she looked a little less immaculate now: one side of the gown was hanging lower than the other, and a woolly dangle of fluff was caught on the back of her bandages near the neckline.
琳迪一开门就把CD从我手里拿过去，好像我是送货的，可是接着她就抓住我的手腕，把我拉进去。她还穿着那件漂亮的晨衣，但是看起来没有之前那么完美了：衣服一边高一边低，后脑勺领口附近的绷带钩住了一团绒毛。
“Will you come over? Right now? Then I’ll explain it all properly. And most important… No, no, I’m not saying. It’s gonna be a surprise. Come on over and you’ll see. And bring your CD again. Will you do that?”
“你过来吗？现在？我好好地解释给你听。而且最重要的是……不，不，我现在不能说。我要给你一个惊喜。你过来就知道了。把你的CD再带过来。好吗？”
“I take it you’ve been on one of your nocturnal walks,” I said.
“我想你刚刚夜游回来。”我说。
“I’m so glad you’re up. I don’t know if I could have waited till morning. Now listen, like I told you, I have a surprise. I hope you’re gonna like it, I think you will. But first I want you to make yourself comfortable. We’re gonna listen to your song again. Let me see, which track was it?”
“你醒着我太高兴了。我不知道我是不是能等到早上。好了，听着，就像我刚刚说的，我要给你一个惊喜。我希望你会喜欢，我想你会喜欢的。可我要你先坐下来。我们再听一遍你那首歌。我看看，是第几首？”
I sat down on my usual sofa and watched her fussing with the hi-fi. The lighting in the room was soft, and the air felt pleasantly cool. Then “The Nearness of You” came on at high volume.
我在老地方坐下，看着她摆弄音响。屋里的灯光柔和，空气凉爽宜人。接着《你在身旁》的音乐高声响了起来。
She began to sway to the music like before, only this time she didn’t stop after a verse. In fact, she seemed to get more lost in the music the longer it went on, holding out her arms like she had an imaginary dance partner. When it finished, she turned it off and remained very still, standing at the end of the room with her back to me. She stayed like that for what felt like a long time, then finally came towards me.
她开始像之前那样随着音乐摇摆，只是这次她没有中途停下来，而且随着音乐的进行，她似乎越来越陶醉，张开手臂，像是在与一个假想的舞伴共舞。音乐停止以后，她关掉CD，一动不动地背对着我站在房间的尽头。她那样子站了似乎很长一段时间才朝我走过来。
“To hell with them. We pay enough for this place, it’s not our problem. Now shhh! Listen, listen!”
“管他的。我们付了这里一大笔钱，其他人不关我们的事。好了，嘘！听，听！”
“Don’t you think this might disturb people?” I said.
“不会吵到别人吗？”我说。
“I knew it the first time. That’s the truth. That’s why I reacted the way I did. Pretending not to like it, pretending to be snotty?” She sat down facing me and sighed. “Tony used to pull me up about it. I’ve always done it, it’s something I don’t ever seem to get over. I run into a person who’s, you know, who’s really talented, someone who’s just been blessed that way by God, and I can’t help it, my first instinct is to do what I did with you. It’s just, I don’t know, I guess it’s jealousy. It’s like you see these women sometimes, they’re kind of plain? A beautiful woman comes into the same room, they hate it, they want to claw her eyes out. That’s the way I am when I meet someone like you. Especially if it’s unexpected, the way it was today and I’m not ready. I mean, there you were, one minute I’m thinking you’re just one of the public, then suddenly you’re… well, something else. You know what I’m saying? Anyway, I’m trying to tell you why I behaved so badly earlier on. You had every right to be mad at me.”
“我第一次听就知道了。是真的。所以今天下午我才会有那样的反应。假装不喜欢，假装讨厌？”她坐了下来，看着我，叹了口气。“以前托尼总叫我别这样。我老是这样，怎么也改不掉。我遇见一个，你知道，一个真正的天才，一个天资过人的人，我就忍不住，我的第一反应就是像我今天下午对你的那样。这就是，我不知道，我想是嫉妒吧。就好像有时候一群女人，姿色平庸，一个漂亮的女人走了进来，就会遭到其他人的憎恨，想把她的眼睛挖出来。我遇见像你这样的人时就是这样。特别是不期而遇时，像今天这样，我没有准备。我是说，一分钟前我以为你只是一个普通人，突然间你……你不再是普通人了，你变成另一个人了。你明白我在说什么吗？总之我试着跟你解释为什么今天下午我会表现得那么坏。你完全有理由生我的气。”
“I don’t know what to say,” she said. “It’s sublime. You’re a wonderful, wonderful musician. You’re a genius.”
“我不知道该说什么，”她说道。“太出色了。你是个很棒、很棒的乐手。你是个天才。”
“Well, thank you.”
“呃，谢谢。”
“Steve, I want you to come and receive this. This is going to be a presentation.”
“史蒂夫，我要你过来领。这是一个颁奖仪式。”
She stood up suddenly. “Now, the surprise! Just wait there, don’t move.”
琳迪突然站了起来。“现在，我要给你的惊喜！在那里等着，别动。”
The late-night silence hung between us for a while. “Well, I appreciate it,” I said eventually. “I appreciate you telling me this.”
一时间我们都没有说话，午夜的寂静笼罩下来。过了许久，我说道：“啊，谢谢，谢谢你跟我说这些。”
I was puzzled, but got to my feet. As I went to her, she pulled off the handkerchief and held towards me a shiny brass ornament.
虽然不知道她要干什么，我还是站了起来，走过去。她揭开手帕，伸手递给我一个亮晶晶的铜像。
“Well, thanks. This is a surprise. Hey, this looks pretty. What is it? An alligator?”
“啊，谢谢。确实是个惊喜。嘿，真好看。这是什么？鳄鱼吗？”
She placed it in my hands and kissed me lightly on the cheek through the crêpe.
她把铜像放到我手中，透过纱布轻轻地亲了亲我的脸颊。
“An alligator? Come on! It’s a pair of cute little cherubs kissing each other.”
“鳄鱼？拜托！是一对可爱的小天使在接吻。”
“You thoroughly deserve this. So it’s yours. Jazz Musician of the Year. Maybe of all time. Congratulations.”
“你完全配得上这个奖。这个奖是你的了。年度最佳爵士乐手。也许是史上最佳。恭喜你。”
She went through into the adjoining room and I could hear her opening and shutting drawers. When she came back, she was holding something in front of her with both hands, but I couldn’t see what the something was, because she’d thrown a silk handkerchief over it. She halted in the middle of the room.
她走进隔壁的房间，传来开、关抽屉的声音。她回来的时候，胸前双手握着一件东西，然而她用丝手帕把东西盖着，我不知道她拿的是什么。她在房间的中央站住了。
“Oh yeah, I can see it now. Well, thanks, Lindy. I don’t know what to say. It’s really beautiful.”
“哦，是，我看出来了。啊，谢谢你，琳迪。我不知道该说什么。真的很漂亮。”
“An alligator!”
“鳄鱼！”
“I see. And it’s not possible, is it, this is the real award? I mean the actual gong they were going to hand to Jake?”
“这样。那不可能是，是真的奖杯吧？我指他们要颁给杰克的那个奖？”
“Of course it’s the real thing. What would be the point, giving you any old junk? There was an injustice about to be committed, but now justice has prevailed. That’s all that matters. Hey, sweetie, come on. You know you’re the one who deserves this award.”
“当然是真的了。给你一个旧破烂有什么意义呢？本来会发生一件不公平的事，如今公正得到了伸张。这才是关键。嘿，亲爱的，好了。你知道你才应该得到这个奖。”
“Sure, that’s what it says.”
“是啊，当然是真的。”
“Well, it’s yours. You deserve it.”
“啊，奖是你的了。你应该得到这个奖。”
“I’m touched, Lindy. I really am. And what does this say down here? I don’t have my glasses.”
“我很感动，琳迪。真的。这下面写什么？我没戴眼镜。”
“It says ‘Jazz Musician of the Year.’ What else would it say?”
“写着‘年度最佳爵士乐手’啊。不然还能写什么？”
Lindy didn’t reply for a few seconds, but kept standing there very still. Then she said:
琳迪没有马上回答，而是静静地站了一会儿才答道：
“Sure. Sure it’s possible.”
“是啊。当然可能了。”
“That’s what it says?”
“真的？”
“I’m sorry. It’s just the way this guy has his leg stretched all the way out. But I see now. It’s really beautiful.”
“对不起。只是这个小家伙把腿伸得这么老长。可现在我看出来了。真的很漂亮。”
I went back to the sofa, holding the statuette, sat down and thought a little. “Say, Lindy,” I said eventually. “This item you’ve just given me. It’s not possible, is it, you came across it on one of your midnight walks?”
我握着铜像走回沙发，坐下来想了一会儿，说：“告诉我，琳迪。你刚刚给我的东西。不可能是你在夜里散步的时候碰巧拿到的吧？”
“Jesus.”
“天啊。”
“Sure, sure. So that was an hour ago, would you say?”
“没错，没错。那么是一个小时前，对吗？”
“An hour. Maybe two hours. Who knows? I was out there some time. I went to my presidential suite for a while.”
“一小时。也有可能是两小时。谁知道？我出来了一段时间，去了一会儿我的总统套房。”
“I appreciate your viewpoint. It’s just that… well, this is kind of like stealing.”
“你这么说我很感激。只是……啊，这有点像偷窃。”
“I’m not turning it down, Lindy. The sentiment, the honor, all of that, I accept it all, I’m really happy about it. But this, the actual trophy. We’re going to have to take it back. We’ll have to put it back exactly where you found it.”
“我不是不要，琳迪。这份好意，这份荣誉，等等，我都接受，我真的很高兴。可是这个，这个真的奖杯，我们得还回去。我们得把它放回原处。”
“Stealing? Didn’t you say yourself this guy’s no good? A fake? And you’re a genius. Who’s trying to steal from who here?”
“偷窃？不是你自己说那家伙一点儿都不优秀吗？是个冒牌货？可你是个天才。是谁偷了谁的？”
“Tonight? You picked it up tonight?”
“今天晚上？你今天晚上拿的？”
She shrugged. “Just some place. One of the places I go. An office, you’d call it maybe.”
她耸耸肩。“一个地方。我去的一个地方。可能是个办公室。”
“Lindy, where exactly did you come across this thing?”
“琳迪，你到底是在哪里拿到这个东西的？”
“Look, who cares? What are you so worried about? They lose this one, they can just go get another one. They’ve probably got a closet full somewhere. I presented you with something you deserve. You’re not going to turn it down, are you, Steve?”
“听着，谁会在意？你担心什么呢？他们丢了一个奖杯可以再去拿一个。说不定他们有一整柜的奖杯。我给你一个你应得的东西。你不会不要吧，史蒂夫？”
“Of course I picked it up tonight. I didn’t know about your award last night.”
“当然是今天晚上拿的。昨天晚上我又不知道这个奖。”
Once we’d agreed to take it back, Lindy became quite possessive about the award, holding it close to her bosom all the time we hurried through the passageways of the vast, sleeping hotel. She led the way down hidden stairways, along back corridors, past sauna rooms and vending machines. We didn’t see or hear a soul. Then Lindy whispered: “It was this way,” and we pushed through heavy doors into a dark space.
说好了还回去以后，琳迪变得对这个奖杯特别恋恋不舍，一直把铜像紧紧地捏在胸前。我们匆匆地走过寂静的走廊，偌大的旅馆都在沉睡中。琳迪带着我走下隐蔽的楼梯和员工通道，走过桑拿浴室和自动贩卖机。我们一个人也没有看见或者听见。走着走着，琳迪突然小声说道：“这边。”我们推开厚厚的门，走进一个黑咕隆咚的地方。
“Lindy, you haven’t thought this through. What will you do when this gets out? Can you imagine what the press will do with this? The gossip, the scandal? What will your public say? Now come on. We’re going out there right now before people start waking up. You’re going to show me exactly where you found this thing.”
“琳迪，好好想想。事情被发现了你会怎么样？你能想象得到媒体对这件事会怎么说吗？你的崇拜者们会怎么说？快点。我们现在就还回去，在大家还没起来之前。告诉我你在哪里找到这个东西的。”
Once I was sure we were alone, I switched on the flashlight I’d brought from Lindy’s room and shone it around. We were in the ballroom, though if you were looking to dance just then, you’d have had trouble with all the dining tables, each one with its white linen cover and matching chairs. The ceiling had a fancy central chandelier. At the far end there was a raised stage, probably large enough to put on a fair-sized show, though right now the curtains were drawn across it. Someone had left a step-ladder in the middle of the room and an upright vacuum cleaner against the wall.
我确定周围没有人后就打开从琳迪房里拿的手电筒，照了照四周。我们在一个舞厅里，可是如果你打算这时候跳舞的话，会发现有餐桌碍事。每张餐桌上都铺着白色亚麻桌布，摆着相应的椅子。天花板上有一盏华丽的中央吊灯。房间的最里面有一个凸起的台子，幕布遮着，但挺大的，应该可以进行一场相当规模的演出。房间的中央搁着一架活动梯子，一台真空吸尘器竖直靠在墙边。
She suddenly looked like a kid who’d been scolded. Then she sighed and said: “I guess you’re right, sweetie.”
她突然像个做错事的小孩，叹了口气，说：“我想你是对的，亲爱的。”
“Screw them! Who cares?”
“见鬼！谁会在意？”
“Of course it is. Where I found this” — she held up the statuette — “there were other ones too. Best Newcomer. R&B Album of the Year. That kind of stuff. It’s going to be a big event.”
“当然是了。我发现这个地方”——她举起铜像——“还有其他铜像。最佳新人，最佳年度R&B专辑，等等这类东西。是个大活动呢。”
I wandered further into the room and threw the torch beam around some more. “Maybe this is where it’s going to happen. Where they’re going to give Jake his award.”
我往里面走了走，又用手电筒照了照。“可能就是这里了。就在这里给杰克颁奖。”
Now my eyes had adjusted, I could see the place better, even though the flashlight wasn’t so powerful. And for a moment, as I stood there looking up at the stage, I could imagine the way the place would look later on. I imagined all the people in their fancy clothes, the record-company men, the big-time promoters, the random showbiz celebrities, laughing and praising each other; the fawningly sincere applause every time the MC mentioned the name of a sponsor; more applause, this time with whoops and cheers, when the award winners went up. I imagined Jake Marvell up on that stage, holding his trophy, the same smug smile he’d always have in San Diego when he’d finished a solo and the audience had clapped.
虽然手电筒不是很亮，可我的眼睛适应了这里的光线，能把这个地方看得更清楚了。刹那间，我站在那里看着舞台，能想象这个地方明天会是什么样子。我想象着所有的人穿着盛装，唱片公司的人、知名的活动赞助商、演艺圈的各路明星，大家有说有笑，互相恭维。每当主持人提到某个赞助商的名字，大家奉承地鼓鼓掌；而当得奖人登台时，大家就认真鼓掌了，还夹杂着欢呼声和喝彩声。我想象着杰克·马弗尔站在台上，手握奖杯，脸上挂着一副自鸣得意的微笑，就像在圣地亚哥他独奏完、接受观众鼓掌时的那种微笑。
“It’s going to be some party,” she said. “Four hundred, five hundred people?”
“看来要举行一个派对，”琳迪说。“四五百人？”
“How do I know?” I felt a sudden tide of irritation. “How do I know? Well, think about it. A panel that considers Jake Marvell the year’s outstanding jazz musician. What other kind of people are they going to honor?”
“我怎么知道？”我突然很生气。“我怎么知道？想想看吧。一个认为杰克·马弗尔是年度最杰出的爵士乐手的评审团，他们会把奖给什么样的人呢？”
I waited for Lindy to say something to this, but nothing came. Then when she did speak, there was some new note, something tighter, in her voice.
我等着琳迪接我的话，可是她什么也没说。而当她开口时，她的声音里有一丝与先前不同的语气，严厉的语气。
“Yeah?” Lindy sounded puzzled. “Is that what you want to do, sweetie?”
“哦？”琳迪糊涂了。“你这样想的，亲爱的？”
“Maybe we’ve got this wrong,” I said. “Maybe there’s no need to return this. Maybe we should throw it in the garbage. And all the other awards you found with it.”
“也许我们错了。”我说道。“也许没必要把这个还回来。也许我们应该把它扔到垃圾堆里去。和你找到的其他奖杯一起。”
I let out a sigh. “No, I guess not. But it would be… satisfying, wouldn’t it? All those awards in the garbage. I bet every one of those winners is a fake. I bet there isn’t enough talent between the lot of them to fill a hot-dog bun.”
我叹了口气。“不，不是。可是这样做……很痛快，不是吗？把所有的奖杯都扔进垃圾堆里。我敢说所有的得奖人都是冒牌货。我敢说他们那群人连个热狗面包都做不来。”
“How do you know some of these guys aren’t okay? How do you know some of them don’t deserve their award?”
“你怎么知道有些得奖人不行？你怎么知道有些人不配得到他们的奖？”
“But what do you know about these guys? Even this Jake fella. How do you know he didn’t work really hard to get where he has?”
“可是你怎么知道其他人怎么样？甚至是这个杰克。你怎么知道他取得这个奖不是他努力来的？”
“What the hell’s that supposed to mean? How dare you speak to me that way?!”
“你这话是什么意思？你怎么敢这么跟我说话？！”
“Your opinion? So this is your opinion? I guess I shouldn’t be so surprised. For a moment there, I was forgetting who you were.”
“你的想法？这是你的想法？我想我不应该这么惊讶。我差点忘了你是什么人了。”
“What is this? You’re Jake’s greatest fan now?”
“这算什么话？难不成现在你成了杰克最大的粉丝了？”
Eventually, she indicated with the statuette towards the back of the hall, then led the way past the tables, still not speaking. When we were there, I put my ear against the door for a few seconds, and hearing nothing, opened it carefully.
最后，她终于用拿着雕像的手指向舞厅的后面，然后在我前面穿过那些桌子，仍旧没有说话。我们走到舞厅的后面，我把耳朵贴在门上听了几秒钟，没有声响，我小心地打开门。
“I’m just expressing my opinion.”
“我只是说说我的想法。”
Lindy had gone silent, and when I turned to face her, I couldn’t see well enough in the light to guess what she was thinking.
琳迪没有做声。我转过去看着她，光线太暗，我猜不出她在想什么。
We were in a long narrow space that seemed to run parallel with the ballroom. A dim light had been left on somewhere, so we could just about make things out without the flashlight. It was obviously not the office we were after, but some kind of catering-cum-kitchen area. Long extended work counters ran along both walls, leaving a gangway down the middle wide enough for staff to put final touches to the food.
我们到了一个似乎与舞厅平行的狭长的地方。不知哪里有盏昏暗的灯开着，所以我们不用手电筒就能依稀看得见。这里显然不是我们要找的办公室，而像是个餐厅连着厨房的地方。墙的两边摆着长长的工作台，中间留着一条仅供工作人员取食物的过道。
It occurred to me I was losing my grip. I said quickly: “Okay, I’m out of line. I’m sorry. Now let’s go find this office.”
我突然意识到我情绪失控了，赶紧说道：“好了，我失态了。对不起。我们开始找那间办公室吧。”
“Lindy, where’s this office? We need to find it.”
“琳迪，办公室在哪儿？我们得找到那里。”
She reached towards the turkey. Then suddenly she straightened and turned to face me.
她把手伸向火鸡。可是突然间她直起身子，转向我。
“What you were saying. When you said you weren’t surprised. About my opinion. What was that about?”
“你刚才说的话。说你不应该惊讶。对我的想法。什么意思？”
“Do you think they’d mind if I pulled off a leg?”
“我扯条腿他们会不会介意？”
She was leaning over a plump roast turkey. Instead of replacing the lid, she laid it down carefully next to the bird.
出现在琳迪面前的是一只又肥又大的烤火鸡。她没有把盖子盖上，而是小心翼翼地放在火鸡的旁边。
“I think they’d mind a lot, Lindy. But what the hell.”
“我想他们会很介意，琳迪。可管他呢。”
“It’s a big baby. You want to share a leg with me?”
“这腿真大。你要和我分吗？”
“Okay. Here goes.”
“好。来吧。”
“Sure, why not?”
“不要白不要。”
“Hey, cookies!” She seemed completely to have regained her equanimity. “Too bad it’s all under cellophane. I’m famished. Look! Let’s see what’s under this one.”
“嘿，是饼干！”她的情绪好像恢复了平静。“真可惜都包着玻璃纸。我饿扁了。看！我们看看这底下是什么。”
She went on a few more steps, to a big dome-shaped lid, and raised it. “Look at this, sweetie. This looks really good.”
她又往前走了几步，打开一个穹顶状的大盖子。“看啊，亲爱的。真是诱人！”
“So what was that supposed to mean back there?”
“刚才到底是什么意思？”
“What was what supposed to mean?”
“什么什么意思？”
But Lindy seemed to recognise the place and went striding purposefully down the gangway. About halfway along, she stopped suddenly to examine one of the baking trays left on the counter.
然而琳迪好像认识这个地方，大踏步朝走道里面走去。走到半中间突然停下来，研究起留在台子上的一个烤盘。
“Look, all I’m saying is that the wrong people end up with the awards. That’s all. But you seem to know better. You think that’s not what happens…”
“我的意思只是这些奖颁错了人。可是你好像不这么认为。你觉得不是这样……”
“Look, I’m sorry. I wasn’t trying to be offensive. Just thinking aloud, that’s all.”
“对不起。我不是有意冒犯。我只是自言自语。”
“Thinking aloud? Well, how about thinking aloud some more? So I suggest some of these guys may have deserved their awards, why is that a ridiculous statement?”
“自言自语？干吗不再多自言自语一些？我说也许有些人配得到他们的奖。这有什么好笑的？”
“So you don’t think I work hard? You think I sit on my ass all day? I sweat and heave and break my balls to come up with something worthwhile, something beautiful, then who is it gets the recognition? Jake Marvell! People like you!”
“那你觉得我没有努力咯？你觉得我整天游手好闲？我费尽千辛万苦才做出有价值的、优美的音乐，可到头来谁受到认可？杰克·马弗尔！你这样的人！”
“Some of those guys, maybe they worked damn hard to get where they have. And maybe they deserve a little recognition. The trouble with people like you, just because God’s given you this special gift, you think that entitles you to everything. That you’re better than the rest of us, that you deserve to go to the front of the line every time. You don’t see there’s a whole lot of other people weren’t as lucky as you who work really hard for their place in the world…”
“其中一些人可能很努力才取得今天的成就。他们需要一点认可。像你这样的人问题就在于，就因为上天赋予了你们特殊的才华，你们就觉得你们应该应有尽有。你们比我们其他人优秀，你们每次都应该排在前面。你们没有看见还有很多其他人不如你们幸运，可是他们很努力赢得社会的认可……”
“No prizes? No prizes? Look at you! Who gets to be famous? Who gets the fancy houses…”
“没得过奖？没得过奖？看看你！谁是名人？谁住漂亮房子……”
“How fucking dare you! What do I have to do with this? Am I getting an award today? Has anyone ever given me a goddamn award? Have I ever had anything, even in school, one lousy certificate for singing or dancing or any damn thing else? No! Not a fucking thing! I had to watch all of you, all you creeps, going up there, getting the prizes, and all the parents clapping…”
“你该死的敢这么说！我跟这件事有什么关系？我今天得奖了吗？谁给我颁过他妈的什么奖？我得到过什么？就是在学校，有没有什么唱歌、跳舞还是其他什么玩意的证书？没有！什么都没有！我总是看着别人，看着你们这些讨厌的家伙上台领奖，你们的父母在台下鼓掌……”
At that moment someone flicked a switch and we were blinking at each other under harsh bright lights. Two men had come in the same way we had, and were now moving towards us. The gangway was just wide enough to let them walk side by side. One was a huge black guy in a hotel security guard’s uniform, and what I first thought was a gun in his hand was a two-way radio. Beside him was a small white man in a light-blue suit with slick black hair. Neither of them looked particularly deferential. They stopped a yard or two away, then the small guy took an ID out of his jacket.
就在这时，啪的一声，开关开了，我们俩在刺眼的强光下对视。两名男子从我们刚才进来的地方进来，朝我们走过来。过道刚好够他们两个人并排走。其中一个黑人大个儿穿着酒店的保安制服，一开始我以为他手里拿着枪，后来看清那是一部对讲机。另一个是个小个子白人，穿着浅蓝色西服，一头黑亮的头发。两个人看起来都不怎么友善。他们在我们面前一两码的地方停下，小个子从上衣里掏出证件。
“That’s right, officer!” Lindy’s voice was still way over the top. “We got a little hungry, the way I’m sure you do too sometimes in the night.”
“是，警官！”琳迪还是尖着嗓门说。“我们饿了，我相信您晚上有时候也会肚子饿。”
“Guests of the hotel?”
“酒店的客人？”
“I guess room service isn’t up to much,” the cop said.
“我想客房服务不够好，”警察说道。
“We were having trouble sleeping,” Lindy said. “So we were just walking.”
“我们睡不着，”琳迪说。“所以出来散步。”
“No, it’s not so good,” I said.
“是不怎么好，”我说。
We both started to answer at once, then laughed. But neither of the men laughed or smiled.
我们俩马上抢着回答。我们笑了，但另外两个人可一点笑容也没有。
“Good evening,” I said.
“晚上好，”我说。
I felt the soft material of Lindy’s night-gown brush against my back. Then she’d taken my arm and we were standing side by side.
我感觉到琳迪柔软的睡袍擦过我的后背。接着她拉住我的胳膊，我们肩并肩站着。
“Good evening, ma’am,” the cop said. “And are you folks up at this time for any special reason?”
“晚上好，夫人，”警察说道。“你们这会儿不睡觉是不是有什么特殊原因？”
“Good evening, officer,” she said in a sleepy, honeydew voice quite unlike her usual one.
“晚上好，警官。”她用和平时不一样的、懒洋洋、甜滋滋的声音说道。
“LAPD,” he said. “Name’s Morgan.”
“洛杉矶警局的摩根，”他说。
“Just walking.” The cop looked around in the stark white light. “Maybe looking for something to eat.”
“出来散步。”警察借着刺眼的白光环顾了一下四周。“还是找吃的。”
“Yes, we are,” I said. “We’re guests.”
“是的，”我说。“我们是酒店的客人。”
For a moment the cop and the security guard went on looking at us in silence. Then the cop asked:
那个警察和保安一言不发地看着我们。过了一会儿，那个警察问道：
“Just the usual stuff,” the cop said. “Steaks, pizzas, hamburgers, triple-decker clubs. I know because I just ordered from all-night room service myself. But I guess you folks don’t like that kind of food.”
“尽是些稀疏平常的东西，”警察说。“牛排、比萨、汉堡、三明治。我刚刚自己从通宵营业的客房服务那里点了一份，所以知道。不过我想你们不喜欢这些东西。”
“Sorry to trouble you folks. But you understand this area isn’t open to guests. And one or two items have gone missing just lately.”
“抱歉打扰二位，可是要知道这里不对客人开放。而且刚刚丢了一两件东西。”
“Well, you know how it is, officer,” Lindy said. “It’s the fun. The fun of creeping down and taking a bite, you know, a little bit forbidden, the way you did when you were a kid?”
“嗯，您知道的，警官，”琳迪说道。“只是好玩。偷偷下来吃点东西，明知不允许。您小时候也干过吧？”
Neither man showed any sign of melting. But the cop said:
那两个人都没有软化的迹象。可是那个警察说道：
“Really?”
“真的？”
“Yeah. You folks see anything odd or suspicious tonight?”
“是的。二位今晚看见什么奇怪、可疑的东西了吗？”
“No,” I said. “We haven’t seen anything odd.”
“没有，”我说。“我们没有看见什么奇怪的东西。”
The security guard had been coming closer, and now he came past us, squeezing his bulk along the counter. I realised the plan was for him to check us over more closely, to see if maybe we were concealing anything on our persons, while his partner kept us talking.
说话间保安慢慢走上前来，他的大块头挤过我们身边的餐台，走到我们身后。我明白了他们的策略是保安上前来检查我们，看看我们有没有把什么东西藏在身上，而他的同伴不停地跟我们说话。
Lindy and I looked at each other, then she shook her head at me dramatically.
琳迪和我对视了一下，然后她朝我使劲地摇摇头。
“Nothing at all?”
“什么都没有？”
“So that’s why you’re here with us,” Lindy said. “To protect us and our belongings.”
“所以您才会在这里，”琳迪说道。“来保护我们的人身和财产安全。”
“Not exactly, ma’am. But certain items of value have gone missing.”
“不算是，夫人，可是确有一些重要的东西不见了。”
“No, nothing,” I said. “What kind of thing did you have in mind?”
“没有，什么都没有。”我说。“你们觉得有什么呢？”
The interview seemed to be over and the cop moved aside to let us out. Relieved, I made a move to go, but Lindy said:
看来盘问结束了，警察让开道让我们出去。我松了一口气，准备离开，可是琳迪说道：
“Do you mean, officer,” Lindy said with shocked horror, “that rooms have been broken into?”
“警官，您的意思是，”琳迪惊恐地说，“房间遭盗窃了？”
“Suspicious people. Unusual activity.”
“可疑的人。不寻常的举动。”
“I suppose it was kind of naughty of us, coming down here to eat. We thought about helping ourselves to some of that gateau over there, but then we thought it might be for a special occasion and it would be such a shame to spoil it.”
“我想我们太调皮了，跑到这里来吃东西。我们本想吃些那里的奶油蛋糕，可是我们想那蛋糕可能是有特殊用途的，糟蹋了可惜。”
I could sense the security guard shift behind us.
我能感觉到保安在我们身后晃动。
“That’s right, ma’am.” The cop’s gaze moved fractionally, and I got the impression he’d exchanged a look with the man behind us. “So if you see anything odd, please call security right away.”
“是的，夫人。”那个警察的视线微微动了一下，我感到他和我们身后的那个人交换了一下眼神。“好了，要是你们看见什么奇怪的东西，请马上联系保安。”
“This hotel has good room service,” the cop said. “Twenty-four hours.”
“酒店里有很好的客房服务，”警察说。“全天候的服务。”
“And was it good?”
“东西好吗？”
“Sure.”
“是的。”
“Officer, may I ask you something?” she asked. “Do you mind?”
“警官，您介不介意我问您一个问题？”她问道。
“I don’t know what you mean, ma’am.”
“我不明白你的意思，夫人？”
I tugged at Lindy, but she seemed now to be seized by the oft-cited mania of criminals to flirt with being caught.
我想把琳迪拽走，可她好像突然中了邪，变成人们常说的那种莽撞、不知死活的罪犯。
“Let’s leave these gentlemen to get on with their investigations,” I said, tugging at her arm. But still she didn’t budge.
“让先生们继续他们的调查吧，”我拽着琳迪的胳膊说，可她仍不走。
“You were talking just now about seeing something odd. You see anything odd yourself? I mean, about us?”
“您刚才说看见什么奇怪的东西。您自己不就看见什么奇怪的东西了吗？我是指，我们两个？”
“And you just ordered something up yourself, officer?”
“您刚刚自己点了东西，警官？”
“Come on,” I said, pulling her along now quite forcefully. I could feel both men staring at our backs all the way to the exit.
“走吧，”我说道，这次用力地把她拽走了。我能感觉到那两个人一直盯着我们的后背，直到门口。
“Oh, I see,” Lindy said. Then turning to me: “Wasn’t that considerate of him?”
“哦，这样啊。”琳迪说道，然后转向我，“他是不是很体贴？”
The cop looked at us carefully, as though to verify this last statement. Then he said: “As a matter of fact, I did notice, ma’am, yes. But I didn’t wish to make personal remarks.”
警察仔细地看了看我们，像在验证琳迪说的最后一句话，然后说道：“事实上，我注意到了，夫人。可是我不想过问私事。”
“It was pretty good. I recommend you folks do the same.”
“挺不错的。我建议二位也这么做。”
“Like we both of us have our faces entirely wrapped in bandages? Did you notice that?”
“比如说我们两个脸上都缠满绷带？您没注意到吗？”
“Try me.”
“请问。”
When we stepped out of the elevator, she put her arm through mine again. “Okay, we’re safe,” she said. “Now I want to take you somewhere. This is really something. See this?” She was holding up a key card. “Let’s see what this can do for us.”
走出电梯以后，她再次把手搭在我的胳膊上，说：“好了，我们安全了。现在我带你去一个地方。很特别的地方。看这个？”她拿出一张钥匙卡。“看看它能干什么用。”
She used the card to get us through a door marked “Private,” then a door marked “Danger. Keep Out.” Then we were standing in a space smelling of paint and plaster. There were cables dangling from the walls and ceiling, and the cold floor was splashed and mottled. We could see fine because one side of the room was entirely glass — unadorned by curtains or blinds — and all the outdoor lighting was filling the place with yellowish patches. We were up even higher than on our floor: there was in front of us a helicopter-style view over the freeway and the surrounding territory.
她拿着卡片打开一扇写着“私人禁地”的门，然后又打开一扇写着“危险，禁止入内”的门。最后我们来到一个充满油漆和石灰味的地方。墙上、天花板上都垂着电线，冷冰冰的地板上满是水渍和污渍。我们能看清楚是因为房间有一面整个儿是玻璃——还没有挂上窗帘或者百叶窗——外面所有的亮光在这里投下淡黄色的斑点。这里比我们的房间还要高：看窗外的高速公路和周围的区域，我们像是从直升飞机上往下看。
We crossed the ballroom with an outward show of calm. But once we were past the big swing doors, we gave in to panic and broke into a near-run. Our arms stayed linked, so we did a lot of stumbling and colliding as Lindy led me through the building. Then she pulled me into a service elevator, and only when the doors closed and we were climbing did she let go, lean back against the metal wall and start up a weird noise, which I realised was how hysterical laughter sounds coming through bandages.
我们故作镇定地穿过舞厅。可一走出那扇双开式弹簧大门，我们就害怕得几乎跑起来了。我们一直搭着胳膊，所以一路上跌跌撞撞。琳迪领着我往前走，最后把我拉进了一架货运电梯。当电梯的门关上、我们开始往上升时，琳迪才放开我的手，背靠在金属墙上，发出一阵奇怪的声音，是透过绷带传来的歇斯底里的笑声。
“It’s going to be a new presidential suite,” Lindy said. “I love coming here. No light switches yet, no carpet. But it’s slowly coming together. When I first found it, it was much rougher. Now you can see how it’ll look. There’s even this couch now.”
“这里要建新的总统套房，”琳迪说道。“我喜欢来这里。还没有电灯，没有地毯。可正渐渐成形。我第一次来的时候比现在粗糙得多呢。如今你可以看出形状来了，甚至还多了这张睡椅。”
In the centre of the room was a bulky shape with a sheet draped completely over it. Lindy went to it like it was an old friend and flopped down tiredly.
屋子的中央有一大团黑影，被床单完全盖住了。琳迪像看见老朋友一样走过去，疲惫地一屁股坐了下去。
“It’s my fantasy,” she said, “but I kind of believe in it. They’re building this room just for me. That’s why I get to be in here. All of this. It’s because they’re helping me. Helping me build my future. This place used to be a real mess. But look at it now. It’s taking shape. It’s gonna be grand.” She patted the space next to her. “Come on, sweetie, have a rest. I’m feeling drained. You must be too.”
“虽然这是我的想象，”她说，“可是我相信他们建这房间是为了我。所以我能到这里来。这一切。因为他们在帮我。帮我塑造我的未来。这里以前乱七八糟的。可是看看现在。它在渐渐成形。这里以后会很漂亮。”她拍了拍身旁的垫子。“来吧，亲爱的，休息一下。我累坏了。你一定也是。”
“Boy, am I sleepy,” Lindy said, and her weight fell onto my shoulder. “Isn’t this a great place? I found the key in the slot, first time I came here.”
“天啊，我困了，”琳迪说道，把全部的重量压在我的肩膀上。“这里是不是很棒？我在狭缝里发现了钥匙，第一次来的时候。”
The couch — or whatever it was under the sheet — was surprisingly comfortable, and as soon as I’d sunk into it, I felt waves of tiredness coming over me.
想不到这睡椅——抑或床单底下是其他什么东西——这么舒服。我一坐下去就感觉一阵阵的疲惫朝我袭来。
“The award? Oh yeah. The award. I hid it. What else could I do? You know, sweetie, you really deserved that award. I hope it means something to you, my presenting it to you tonight, the way I did. It wasn’t just a whim. I thought about it. I thought about it really carefully. I don’t know if it means much to you. I don’t know if you’ll even remember it ten years, twenty years down the line.”
“奖杯？哦，对了。奖杯。我藏起来了。不然还能怎么样？要知道，亲爱的，你真的配得那个奖。我希望这事儿对你有意义，我把奖颁给你，像今晚这样。不是我一时心血来潮。我考虑过，很认真地考虑过。我不知道这样做对你意义大不大，也不知道十年、二十年后你还会不会记得。”
“Mmm?” She was falling asleep again. “I hid it the only place I could. I put it in that turkey.”
“哼？”她又昏昏欲睡了。“藏在我唯一能藏的地方。我把它放到火鸡里去了。”
“Hey, Lindy.”
“嘿，琳迪。”
“Mmm?”
“哼？”
We were quiet for a while, and I felt myself falling asleep. But then I remembered something.
有一会儿我们都不说话，我自己也困了。可是我突然想到什么事情。
“Lindy. What happened to that award?”
“琳迪。奖杯哪儿去了？”
“I will for sure. And it does mean a lot to me. But Lindy, you say you hid it, but where? Where did you hide it?”
“我当然会记得。而且这件事对我意义重大。可是琳迪，你说你藏起来了，藏在哪里？你把铜像藏到哪里去了？”
“I did exactly the same thing once when I was nine years old. I hid my sister’s glowball inside a turkey. That’s what gave me the idea. Quick thinking, right?”
“跟我九岁的时候一模一样。我把妹妹的荧光球藏在火鸡里。就想到了。反应够快吧？”
“You put it in the turkey.”
“你把它放到火鸡里。”
“Yeah, it sure was.” I felt so tired, but I forced myself to focus. “But Lindy, how well did you hide it? I mean, would those cops have found it by now?”
“是，确实。”我累得不行，可我强迫自己集中精神。“但是琳迪，你藏得很好吗？我是说那些警察现在会不会已经发现了？”
She slumped against me and the next moment she was making snoring noises. Concerned about her surgery, I adjusted her head carefully so her cheek wasn’t pressing on my shoulder. Then I too began to drift off.
她倒在我身上，不一会儿就打起呼噜来了。考虑到她动的手术，我小心翼翼地移动她的脑袋，以免她的脸颊压在我的肩膀上。接着，我也渐渐入睡。
“I don’t see how. There wasn’t anything sticking out, if that’s what you mean. Why would they think to look up there? I was pushing it behind my back, like this. And kept pushing. I didn’t turn around to look at it, because then those boys would have wondered what I was doing. It wasn’t just a whim, you know. Deciding to give you that award. I thought about it, real hard. I sure hope it means something to you. God, I need to sleep.”
“我想不会。没有角露出来，如果你是指这个。他们怎么会想到找那里呢？我在背后塞的，像这样。一直塞。我没有转头去看，不然那两个人就会怀疑了。不是心血来潮。决定给你那个奖。我想过，很认真地想过。我真的希望这事儿对你有意义。天啊，我得睡了。”
I woke with a jerk and saw signs of dawn in the big window in front of us. Lindy was still fast asleep, so I carefully extricated myself from her, stood up and stretched my arms. I went to the window and looked at the pale sky and the freeway far below. Something had been on my mind as I was falling asleep and I tried to remember what it was, but my brain was foggy and exhausted. Then I remembered, and I went to the couch and shook Lindy awake.
我猛地醒过来，看见面前的大窗户外天快亮了。琳迪还在熟睡，所以我小心翼翼地离开她，站起来，伸了伸胳膊。我走到窗户前，看着灰白的天空和底下远远的高速公路。我拼命回忆我睡着之前想到了一件什么事，可是我的脑子累得不行、迷迷糊糊的。突然间我想起来了，我走回睡椅，摇醒琳迪。
“They find the thing in there, they report the big find. Then that cop remembers us. He remembers we were there, standing next to that turkey.”
“他们发现奖杯在里面，他们会报告这一重大发现。那个警察就会想起我们。他会想起我们曾经在那里，站在火鸡旁。”
“What is it? What is it? Whaddaya want?” she said without opening her eyes.
“什么事？什么事？你要干吗？”她闭着眼睛说。
“I told you already. It’s in that turkey.”
“我告诉过你了。奖杯在火鸡里。”
“Sweetie, are you sure we have to do this? I’m so tired now.”
“亲爱的，我们真的非这样做不可吗？我现在累死了。”
“So what? So they find the thing in there. So what?”
“那又怎么样？他们发现奖杯在里面。那又怎么样？”
“Lindy,” I said. “The award. We’ve forgotten about the award.”
“琳迪，”我说。“奖杯。我们把奖杯忘了。”
“Crime? Hey, what do you mean crime?”
“罪行？嘿，什么罪行？”
“While that trophy stays in the turkey, they can link us to the crime.”
“只要奖杯在火鸡里，他们就会怀疑我们跟这一罪行有关。”
“We have to do it, Lindy. We leave it the way it is, you’ll get in trouble. And remember that means a big story for the press.”
“我们非这样做不可，琳迪。奖杯放在那里，我们会有麻烦的。而且记住，对于记者来说，这可是一条大新闻啊。”
“Doesn’t matter what you call it. We need to go back there and get that thing out of the turkey. It doesn’t matter where we leave it after that. But we can’t leave it where it is now.”
“随便你怎么说。我们得回去把东西从鸡里拿出来。然后随便放哪里都可以，就是不能放在那里。”
“Okay, so listen. Those cops may not have thought to look inside the turkey. But sooner or later, someone’s going to find it. Maybe someone’s carving it right now.”
“是，所以你听着。那些警察可能不会想到去看火鸡里面。可是迟早会有人发现的。说不定现在就有人在切火鸡了。”
Lindy seemed to get more awake. “Yeah,” she said. “I see what you’re saying.”
琳迪好像清醒多了，说道：“是，我明白你的意思了。”
“No wonder we couldn’t find that office with all the awards,” she said. “This is the wrong ballroom.”
“难怪昨晚找不到放奖杯的办公室，”她说，“不是这个舞厅。”
This time round there were cleaning noises and voices down corridors, but we still made it back to the ballroom without encountering anyone. There was also more light to see by, and Lindy pointed out the notice beside the double doors. It said in plastic mix-and-spell letters: J. A. POOL CLEANSERS INC BREAKFAST.
这一次走廊里有做清洁和人说话的声音，但我们还是安全地回到了那个舞厅，没遇见一个人。光线也好多了，琳迪指了指双开门旁边的告示。上面用塑料的字母拼块写着：J.A．普尔清洁剂公司早餐会。
Lindy thought about this, then she straightened up her posture a few notches and looked up at me. “Okay,” she said. “Let’s go back there.”
琳迪想了想，然后稍微直了直身子，看着我说：“好吧，我们回那里去吧。”
We crossed the ballroom, then cautiously entered the catering room. Like before, a dim light had been left on, and now there was also some natural light from the ventilation windows. There was nobody in sight, but when I glanced along the work counters, I saw we were in trouble.
我们穿过舞厅，小心翼翼地走进餐厅。和昨天晚上一样有盏昏暗的灯开着，现在又多了些气窗照进来的自然光。没有看见人，可我沿着长长的工作台扫了一眼，发现我们有麻烦了。
“It makes no difference. What we want is in there now.”
“这没关系。现在我们要的东西在这里面。”
“Looks like someone’s been here,” I said.
“看来有人来过，”我说道。
“Yeah.” Lindy took a few steps down the gangway, glancing about her. “Yeah. Looks that way.”
“是啊。”琳迪往过道里走了几步，看看两边。“是啊。看那里。”
All the canisters, trays, cake-boxes, silver-domed platters we’d seen earlier had vanished. In their place were neat piles of plates and napkins positioned at regular intervals.
之前我们看见的罐子、盘子、蛋糕盒、有银色穹顶盖子的大盘子统统不见了。取而代之的是一堆堆间隔整齐地摆放着的盘子和餐巾。
Lindy wandered further down the gangway, then turned to me. “Remember, Steve, the last time we were here, before those men came in? We were having quite a discussion.”
琳迪又往过道里走了几步，然后突然转过来。“记得吗，史蒂夫，上次在这里，在那两个人进来之前，我们在讨论一个问题。”
“Okay, so they’ve moved all the food,” I said. “Question is, where to?”
“得，他们把食物都搬走了，”我说。“问题是，搬到哪儿去了？”
“Yeah, I remember. But why go over that again? I know I was out of line.”
“是的，我记得。可又提起它干吗？我知道我失态了。”
“Yeah right, let’s forget it. So where’s that turkey gone?” She glanced around some more. “You know what, Steve? When I was a kid, I so wanted to be a dancer and a singer. And I tried and tried, God knows I tried, but people just laughed, and I thought, this world is so unfair. But then I grew up a little and I realised the world wasn’t so unfair after all. That even if you were like me, one of the unblessed, there was still a chance for you, you could still find a place in the sun, you didn’t have to settle for being just public. It wasn’t going to be easy. You’d have to work at it, not mind what people said. But there was definitely still a chance.”
“是啊，不提了。那只火鸡到底哪儿去了？”她又左右看了看。“知道吗，史蒂夫？小时候我十分渴望成为舞蹈家或歌唱家。我努力啊努力，老天知道我努力了，可人们只知道笑话我，我觉得这个世界太不公平了。但是后来我长大一些，我发现这个世界也不是那么不公平。即使是像我这样的人，没有什么天赋的人，也仍然是有机会的。你仍旧可以在天底下找到自己的位置，不一定只能是个默默无闻的人。要做到不容易。你得十分努力，不理会别人怎么说。可机会一定有。”
At the far end of the room, where the counters came to an end, there were three steps leading up to a green door.
房间的尽头，餐台的末端，有三个台阶通向一扇绿色的门。
“Well, it looks like you did okay.”
“啊，你似乎干得不错。”
“It’s funny the way this world works. You know, I think it was very insightful. On the part of your wife, I mean. Telling you to get this surgery.”
“世界上的事真奇怪。知道吗，我觉得这是非常明智的。我指你妻子，叫你来做这个手术。”
“Let’s leave her out of it. Hey, Lindy, do you know where that leads? Over there?”
“我们别提她。嘿，琳迪，你知道那扇门通向哪里吗？那边那扇？”
We opened the door as cautiously as the last one, then for a while I became utterly disoriented. Everything was very dark and each time I tried to turn I found I was beating back curtain material or else tarpaulin. Lindy, who’d taken the flashlight, seemed to be doing better somewhere in front of me. Then I stumbled out into a dark space, where she was waiting for me, shining the torch at my feet.
我们像刚刚一样小心翼翼地打开门，一时间我完全找不着北了。这里很暗，我每次想转身都会碰上帘子或防水布之类的东西。琳迪拿着手电筒在我前面，似乎没有我这么狼狈。接着我终于踉跄地走到了一个黑咕隆咚的场子，琳迪正等着我，手电筒照着我的脚。
“That’s because we’re not exactly together just now. Since you must know.”
“那是因为我们现在不在一起。既然你非得知道。”
“Why don’t we try it?” Lindy said.
“干吗不去看看？”琳迪说。
“I’ve noticed,” she said, in a whisper. “You don’t like talking about her. Your wife, I mean.”
她低声说道：“我发现你不喜欢谈到她。我指你妻子。”
“It’s not that exactly,” I whispered back. “Where are we?”
我也低声回答她：“没有的事。我们这是在哪儿？”
“And she never comes to visit.”
“她没来看过你。”
“Hey, sweetie, look! This is it! We’ve found it!”
“嘿，亲爱的，看！就是这个！我们找到了！”
“About you and your wife being separated.”
“说你和妻子分开了。”
“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be nosy.”
“哦，对不起。我不是要多管闲事。”
“Talk about what?”
“说什么事？”
“You didn’t mean to be nosy?!”
“你不是要多管闲事？！”
“Well, it isn’t. It’s just a temporary thing, something we’re trying out. Hey, I’ve got something. There’s something in here. This is it.”
“啊，不是。只是暂时的，试验性的。嘿，我摸到什么东西了。这里面有东西。找到了。”
She was pointing the beam at a table a short distance away. It had a white tablecloth on it, and two silver domes side by side.
她用手电筒照着不远处的一张桌子。桌子上铺着白色桌布，并排放着两个银色穹顶盖子。
“You have to get right in there. I pushed it right up. These birds are bigger than you think.”
“你得伸到里面去。我塞得很里面。这些鸡比你想的要大。”
“Nothing here,” I said.
“什么都没有，”我说。
“I’m telling you there’s nothing in there. Hold the flashlight over here. We’ll try this other one.” I carefully took the lid off the second turkey.
“我说了里面什么都没有。手电筒照那里。我们试试另一只。”我小心地掀开第二只的盖子。
I went up to the first dome and carefully raised it. Sure enough, there was a fat roast turkey sitting there. I searched out its cavity and inserted a finger.
我走到第一个穹顶前，小心地打开。一只肥肥的烤火鸡端坐在里面。我摸索着它的腹腔，伸了根指头进去找。
“Did I say we were separated? Did I say that?”
“我说我们分开了？我那样说了吗？”
“I said we weren’t exactly together. That’s not the same thing.”
“我说我们不在一起。两码事。”
“It sounds the same thing…”
“像一回事……”
“You know, Steve, I think it’s a mistake. You shouldn’t be embarrassed to talk about it.”
“你知道，史蒂夫，我觉得这样不对。你不应该觉得说这件事是丢脸的。”
“I thought…”
“我以为……”
“What do you think I’m trying to do?! Jesus! Did you have to push it in so far?”
“不然你以为我在干吗？天啊！你非得塞这么里面吗？”
“Then why don’t you pull it out, sweetie?”
“把它拽出来，亲爱的。”
I whispered to Lindy to turn off the flashlight and it went dark. She said into my ear: “Let’s get out of here,” and I could hear her creeping away. I tried again to pull the statuette out of the turkey, but now I was afraid of making noise, and besides, my fingers just couldn’t get any purchase.
我轻声示意琳迪关掉手电筒，灯熄了，一片漆黑。她在我耳边说道：“我们离开这里。”说完我听见她悄悄地离开。我再次试图把铜像从火鸡里拿出来，可现在我不敢弄出声音，而且我的手指头没法抓牢铜像。
At first it was hard to say how many of them there were. Then the voice came closer and I realised it was just the one guy, talking continuously into a cellphone. I also realised exactly where we were. I’d been thinking we’d wandered into some vague backstage area, but in fact we were up on the stage itself, and the curtain facing me was the only thing now dividing us from the ballroom. The man on the cellphone, then, was walking across the floor of the ballroom towards the stage.
一开始很难判断外面有几个人。接着声音近了，我听出来只有一个人，在不停地打电话。我也明白我们在哪里了。我本以为我们到了一个什么后台，但其实我们就站在舞台上，我面前的帘子是把我们和舞厅隔开的唯一东西。打电话的男子正穿过舞池，朝舞台走过来。
“Sssh! There’s someone out there!”
“嘘！外面有人！”
The voice kept coming closer until it felt like the guy was right there in front of me.
声音越来越近，最后那家伙像是就在我面前。
“… It’s not my problem, Larry. We need the logos to be on these menu cards. I don’t care how you do it. Okay, then you do it yourself. That’s right, you do it yourself, bring them over yourself, I don’t care how you do it. Just get them here this morning, seven-thirty latest. We need those things here. The tables look fine. There are plenty of tables, trust me. Okay. I’ll check that out. Okay, okay. Yeah. I’m gonna check that out right now.”
“……那不是我的问题，拉里。菜单上得印上公司标志。我不管你们怎么印。好吧，那你就自己印吧。对，你自己印，自己送过来，我不管你怎么做。只要在今天早上送过来，最迟七点半。我们这里要那些东西。桌子很好。桌子很多，相信我。好好。我会确认的。好，好。对。我马上就确认。”
For the last part of this, his voice had been moving over to one side of the room. He must now have flicked a switch on some wall panel, because a strong beam came on directly above me, and also a whirring noise like the air-conditioning had come on. Only I realised the noise wasn’t the air-conditioning, but the curtains opening in front of me.
那男的边说最后一句话，边走到了房间的另一头。他一定是按了墙上的什么开关，一道强烈的光线从我头顶上直射下来，同时传来类似空调的嗡嗡的声音。只是我意识到发出声音的不是空调，而是我面前的帘子在慢慢打开。
Twice in my career I’ve had it happen when I’ve been on stage, I’ve had a solo to play, and suddenly it hits me I don’t know how to start, which key I’m in, how the chords change. On both occasions this happened, I just froze up, like I was in a still from a movie, until one of the other boys stepped in to the rescue. It’s only happened twice in over twenty years of playing professionally. Anyway, this is how I reacted to the spotlight coming on above me and the curtains starting to move. I just froze. And I felt oddly detached. I felt a kind of mild curiosity concerning what I’d see once the curtain was gone.
在我职业生涯中我总共上台过两次进行独奏表演，突然间我不知道从何开始，不知道要用哪个调，不知道怎么换弦。那两次我都僵住了，像电影里的定格，直到乐队里有个人上来救我。我入行二十年这种事情只发生过两次。总之，这就是头顶的聚光灯打开、幕帘慢慢掀开时我的反应。我僵住了。而且我突然感觉自己置身事外，有点好奇帘子拉开以后会看见什么。
What I saw was the ballroom, and from the vantage point of the stage, I could appreciate better the way the tables were laid out in two parallel lines all the way to the back. The spot above me was putting the room in shade a little, but I could make out the chandelier and the fancy ceiling.
我看见了舞厅，而且从舞台上更能看出桌子从头到尾被排列成整齐的两排。头顶的灯光在舞厅里投下了些许阴影，可我还是能看见大吊灯和华丽的天花板。
The cellphone man was an overweight bald guy in a pale suit and open-neck shirt. He must have walked away from the wall as soon as he’d flicked the switch, because now he was more or less level with me. He had his phone pressed to his ear, and from his expression you’d guess he was listening with extra attention to what was being said at the other end. But I supposed he wasn’t, because his eyes were fixed on me. He kept looking at me and I kept looking at him, and the situation might have gone on indefinitely if he hadn’t said into the phone, maybe in response to a query about why he’d gone silent:
打电话的男子是个秃头的胖子，穿着灰色西服、开领衬衫。他一定是按了开关以后就走开了，如今他几乎和我平齐。他的电话贴在耳朵上，看他的表情你以为他在专心听对方讲话。可是我想他没有，他的眼睛死死地盯着我。他瞪着我，我也瞪着他，我们会这样子永远瞪下去，要不是他又接着打电话，可能是对方问他为什么突然不说话了。
“It’s all right. It’s all right. It’s a man.” There was a pause, then he said: “I thought for a moment it was something else. But it’s a man. With a bandaged head, wearing a night-gown. That’s all it is, I see it now. It’s just that he’s got a chicken or something on the end of his arm.”
“没事。没事。是个人。”他停顿了一下，接着说，“我刚刚以为是什么东西。没想到是个人。头上包着绷带，穿着睡衣。就是这样，现在我看清楚了。他手里抓着一只鸡什么的。”
I don’t remember how we got back to our floor. I was lost again in a mess of curtains coming off the stage, then she was there pulling me by the hand. Next thing, we were hurrying through the hotel, no longer caring how much noise we made or who saw us. Somewhere along the way I left the statuette on a room-service tray outside a bedroom, beside the remains of someone’s supper.
我不记得我们是怎么回到我们住的地方了。离开舞台后我又被一堆帘子搞得晕头转向，好在琳迪抓住我的手。然后，我们急匆匆地奔回房间，再也不管我们弄出了多少声响，或者撞见了谁。路上，我把铜像放在某个房间外客房服务的盘子上，不知谁吃剩的晚餐旁。
“How the hell do I know? Some kind of magic show maybe.”
“我怎么知道？可能是什么魔术吧。”
“No, it’s exactly what I say. And now he’s taking his chicken off. Oh, and he’s producing something out of it. Hey, fella, what is that? An alligator?”
“不，我没有骗你。现在他把鸡拿掉了。哦，他从里面拿出了什么东西。嘿，老天，那是什么？鳄鱼？”
Straightening up, I instinctively started to stretch out my arms in a shrugging motion. My right hand still being inside the turkey beyond the wrist, the sheer weight brought the whole arrangement back down with a crash. But at least I’d no more worries about concealment, so I went right at it, no holds barred, in an effort to extricate both my hand and the statuette. Meanwhile the man went on talking into his phone.
我突然清醒过来，下意识地开始甩动手臂。我右手手腕以下还在火鸡里，我用力的甩动弄得整张桌子哐当作响。可至少现在我不用担心被发现了，因此我不管三七二十一，拼了命努力把手和铜像拿出来。而那个男的继续打他的电话。
These last words he’d addressed to me with admirable nonchalance. But now I had the statuette in my hands and the turkey fell to the floor with a thud. As I hurried towards the darkness behind me, I heard the man say to his friend:
他平静地说出最后那几个字，真是令人佩服。铜像拿出来了，火鸡嘭的一声掉到地板上。我急忙走进身后漆黑的地方，听见那个男的对他的朋友说：
Back in her room, we flopped down into a sofa and laughed. We laughed till we were collapsing into each other, then she got up, went to the window and raised the blinds. It was now light outside, though the morning was overcast. She went to her cabinet to mix drinks — “the world’s sexiest alcohol-free cocktail” — and brought me over a glass. I thought she’d sit down beside me, but she drifted back towards the window, sipping from her own glass.
回到琳迪的房间，我们一屁股坐到沙发上，大笑起来，一直笑到我们两个倒成一团。琳迪站起来，走到窗户旁，打开百叶窗。天已经亮了，虽说是阴天。她走到橱子前调起饮料——“世界上最棒的无酒精鸡尾酒”——然后递给我一杯。我以为她会在我旁边坐下，可她又走回窗前，小口喝着自己的饮料。
“Yeah. I suppose so.”
“我想是吧。”
“Even last week, I didn’t think about it so much. It seemed such a long way off. But now it’s not so long.”
“上周我都还没怎么想这件事。觉得事情还远着呢。可现在不远了。”
“You looking forward to it, Steve?” she asked after a while. “To the bandages coming off?”
过一会儿她问道：“你期待吗，史蒂夫？期待绷带拆下来？”
“That’s right,” I said. “It’s not long for me either.” Then I said quietly: “Jesus.”
“是啊，离我也不远了。”说完我轻声叫道，“天啊。”
She sipped her drink and looked out of the window. Then I heard her say: “Hey, sweetie, what’s the matter with you?”
琳迪抿了一口酒，看着窗外。然后我听见她说：“嘿，亲爱的，你怎么了？”
She kept looking at me for a while. “I tell you, Steve,” she said eventually. “It’s gonna be fine. Boris is the best. You’ll see.”
她看了我好一会儿，说道：“听我说，史蒂夫，会好起来的。鲍里斯是最棒的医生。你瞧着吧。”
“I’m fine. I just need to get some sleep, that’s all.”
“我很好，只是得睡一觉。”
“Hey, come on!” She took a few steps towards me. “Cheer up there. You’re not still mad at me, are you? We were a great team down there, weren’t we? And I’ll tell you something else. From now on I’m gonna stay part of your team. You’re a goddamn genius, and I’m gonna make sure things go well for you.”
“嘿，好了！”她朝我走了几步。“打起精神来。你不是还生我的气吧？在下面我们不是搭档得很好吗？我还要告诉你，从今以后我就是你的搭档。你是个天才，我来助你一臂之力。”
“Yeah.”
“是。”
“Hey, what’s wrong with you? Listen, this is my third time. Second time with Boris. It’s gonna be just fine. You’re gonna look great, just great. And your career. From here it’s gonna rocket.”
“嘿，你是怎么了？听着，这是我第三次整容。第二次找鲍里斯。会好起来的。你会变帅，很帅。而你的事业，从此以后蒸蒸日上。”
“Maybe.”
“可能吧。”
“No maybe about it! It’ll make such a difference, believe me. You’ll be in magazines, you’ll be on TV.”
“不是可能！会焕然一新的，相信我。你会上杂志，上电视。”
I said nothing to this.
我没有回答。
“It won’t work, Lindy.” I shook my head. “It won’t work.”
“行不通的，琳迪。”我摇摇头。“行不通的。”
“Like hell it won’t work. I’ll talk to people. People who can do you a lot of good.”
“谁说行不通。我去找人，能帮你大忙的人。”
“Hey, come on. I may not be married to Tony anymore, but I still have a lot of good friends in this town.”
“嘿，好了。没错，我不再是托尼的妻子了，可我在城里还有很多好朋友。”
I kept shaking my head. “I appreciate it. But it’s no use. It won’t work. It was never going to work. I should never have listened to Bradley.”
我仍旧摇头。“我很感激。可是没有用。行不通的。从来就行不通。我不应该听布拉德利的。”
“Sure, Lindy, I know that. But it’s no use. You see, Bradley, that’s my manager, he talked me into this whole thing. I was an idiot to listen to him, but I couldn’t help it. I was at my wit’s end, and then he came out with this theory. He said my wife, Helen, she had this scheme. She hadn’t really left me. No, it was all part of this scheme she had. She was doing it all for me, to make it possible for me to get this surgery. And when the bandages came off, and I had a new face, she’d come back and it’d be all right again. That’s what Bradley said. Even when he was saying it, I knew it was bullshit, but what could I do? It was some kind of hope at least. Bradley used it, he used it, he’s like that, you know? He’s lowlife. All he thinks about is business. And about the big league. What does he care if she comes back or not?”
“这我知道，琳迪。可是没有用。是这样的，是布拉德利，我的经纪人，说动我来做手术的。我真是个白痴，听了他的话，可我没办法。我无计可施了，而他想出了这么套理论。他说是我妻子海伦想出了这个计划。她不是真的离开我。不是，这只是她计划的一部分。她那么做都是为了我，为了让我能做这个手术。绷带拆掉以后，我有了张新面孔，她就会回来，一切就又会好起来。布拉德利这么说的。他说的时候我就不相信，可我能怎么样呢？至少还有希望。布拉德利利用了这个，他利用了这个，他就是这样，你知道。他是个卑鄙小人，整天只想着生意，还有什么大腕。他怎么会关心她会不会回来？”
“Look, sweetie, listen. I hope your wife comes back. I really do. But if she doesn’t, well, you’ve just got to start getting some perspective. She might be a great person, but life’s so much bigger than just loving someone. You got to get out there, Steve. Someone like you, you don’t belong with the public. Look at me. When these bandages come off, am I really going to look the way I did twenty years ago? I don’t know. And it’s a long time since I was last between husbands. But I’m going to go out there anyway and give it a go.” She came over to me and shoved me on the shoulder. “Hey. You’re just tired. You’ll feel a lot better after some sleep. Listen. Boris is the best. He’ll have fixed it, for the both of us. You just see.”
“听着，亲爱的，听着。我希望你妻子回来。真的。可如果她不回来，你也应该向前看。她也许是个好人，可是生活不单单只是爱一个人。你得振作起来，史蒂夫。像你这样的人，你们不属于普通人一类的。看看我。绷带拆掉以后，我会回到二十年前吗？我不知道。而且我已经很久没有在男人们之间周旋了。可我还是要去，去试一试。”她走过来，推了推我的肩膀。“嘿，你只是累了。睡一觉就会感觉好多了。听着，鲍里斯是最棒的。他会搞定的，我们俩都是。你瞧着吧。”
I stopped and she didn’t say anything for a long time. Then she said:
我不说了，琳迪也没有出声。过了好一会儿，她说道：
I put my glass down on the table and stood up. “I guess you’re right. Like you say, Boris is the best. And we were a good team down there.”
我把杯子放到桌子上，站起来。“我想你说得对。就像你说的，鲍里斯是最棒的。而且在下面我们搭档得很好。”
“We were a great team down there.”
“在下面我们搭档得很好。”
I reached forward, put my hands on her shoulders, then kissed each of her bandaged cheeks. “You have yourself a good sleep,” I said. “I’ll come over soon and we’ll play more chess.”
我往前把手搭在她的肩上，亲了亲她两个缠着绷带的脸颊，说：“你自己也好好睡一觉。我很快会再过来，我们再来下棋。”
But after that morning, we didn’t see much more of each other. When I thought about it later, it occurred to me there’d been some things said during the course of that night, things I should maybe have apologised about, or at least tried to explain. At the time, though, once we’d made it back to her room, and we’d been laughing together on the sofa, it hadn’t seemed necessary, or even right, to bring all of that up again. When we parted that morning, I thought the two of us were well beyond that stage. Even so, I’d seen how Lindy could switch. Maybe later on, she thought back and got mad at me all over again. Who knows? Anyway, though I’d expected a call from her later that day, it never came, and neither did one come the day after. Instead, I heard Tony Gardner records through the wall, playing at top volume, one after the next.
可是那天早上以后，我们很少再见面。事后想想，那天晚上我说了什么话本应该道歉，或至少是给个解释的。可是那时，回到她房间的时候，我们在沙发上大笑的时候，似乎没有必要，甚至是不应该旧事重提。那天早上道别的时候，我以为我们俩都已经不再想那件事了。即便如此，我已经见识了琳迪的反复无常。没准后来她回想起来，又生我的气了。谁知道？总之，我以为那天她会打电话给我，可是没有，第二天也没有。相反，透过墙壁，我听见托尼·加德纳的唱片高声播放着，一张接一张。
So that’s the story of my time as Lindy Gardner’s neighbor. I wish her well. As for me, it’s six more days till my own unveiling, and a lot longer still before I’m allowed to blow a horn. But I’m used to this life now, and I pass the hours quite contentedly. Yesterday I got a call from Helen asking how I was doing, and when I told her I’d gotten to know Lindy Gardner, she was mightily impressed.
这就是琳迪·加德纳住在我隔壁的故事。我祝她顺利。至于我，我还要六天才能拆绷带，还要很久才能吹萨克斯。可现在我已经习惯这种生活了，我安心地过着每一天。昨天我接到海伦的电话，问我怎么样了。当我告诉她我认识了琳迪·加德纳时，她十分震惊。
Then two evenings ago she knocked on my door and said she was about to check out. Boris was pleased with her and had agreed to take the bandages off in her own house. We said our goodbyes in a friendly way, but it was like our real goodbyes had been said already, that morning right after our escapade, when I’d reached forward and kissed her on both cheeks.
后来，大前天晚上，她过来敲门说她要离开酒店了。鲍里斯对她的情况很满意，同意她回家拆绷带。我们友好地道别，可是似乎我们真正的道别已经说过了，就在那次大冒险过后的早上，当我上前亲吻她的两个脸颊的时候。
When I did eventually go round there, maybe four days later, she was welcoming, but distant. Like that first time, she talked a lot about her famous friends — though none of it about getting them to help with my career. Still, I didn’t mind that. We gave chess a try, but her phone kept ringing and she’d go into the bedroom to talk.
当我终于又过去的时候，大概是四天以后，她欢迎我，但有点冷淡。和第一次一样，她侃侃而谈她的名人朋友——虽然没有一个跟帮助我的事业有关，可是我不介意。我们下了棋，可是她的电话响个不停，她老得去卧室接电话。
We talked a lot of unimportant stuff — what she’d watched on TV, how her friend had stopped by with her baby. Then she said Prendergast was asking for me, and when she said that, there was a noticeable tightening in her voice. And I almost said: “Hello? Do I detect a note of irritation associated with lover boy’s name?” But I didn’t. I just said to say hi to him, and she didn’t bring him up again. I’d probably imagined it anyway. For all I know, she was just angling for me to say how grateful I was to him.
我们尽谈些无关紧要的事——她看了什么电视，她的朋友带着孩子顺道去看望她。接着她说普伦德加斯特向我问好，她说这句话的时候语气明显变紧张了。我差点要说：“喂？我是不是听见你说情人的名字时没好气？”可是没有。我只说向他问声好，她没有再提起他。也有可能是我自己想象出来的。说不定她是希望我感激一下他。
“Hasn’t she married again?” she asked. And when I put her straight on that, she said: “Oh, right. I must have been thinking about that other one. You know. What’s her name.”
“她还没再婚吗？”她问。当我把事情说给她听，她说：“哦，好吧。我一定是把她跟什么人混起来了，她叫什么名字来着。”
When she was about to go, I said: “I love you,” in that fast, routine way you say it at the end of a call with a spouse. There was a silence of a few seconds, then she said it back, in the same routine way. Then she was gone. God knows what that meant. There’s nothing to do now, I guess, but wait for these bandages to come off. And then what? Maybe Lindy’s right. Maybe, like she says, I need some perspective, and life really is much bigger than loving a person. Maybe this really is a turning point for me, and the big league’s waiting. Maybe she’s right.
她准备挂机的时候，我用夫妻间打完电话时那种快速、例行公事的语气说：“我爱你。”几秒钟的沉默，然后她也用同样例行公事的语气说“我也爱你”，就挂了。天知道她什么意思。我想如今我没什么可做的了，只能等着拆绷带。然后呢？也许琳迪说得对。也许像她说的，我应该向前看，生活确实不单单只是爱一个人。也许这次真的是我的转折点，我的明星梦不远了。也许她说得对。
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