I should say that I intend this letter not just for you, Mr. Markos, but for another as well, to whom I hope you will pass it on, as I shall explain later. Forgive me, then, if I repeat a few things you may already know. I include them out of necessity, for her benefit. As you will see, this letter contains more than an element of confession, Mr. Markos, but there are also pragmatic matters that prompt this writing. For those, I fear I will call upon your assistance, my friend.
我应该告诉您，马科斯先生，这封信不仅仅是写给您的，还另有他人，我希望您把信转交此人，其中的缘由，我会在后面加以说明。因此，如果我重复了一些您已经知道的事，还要请您海涵。之所以有写下这些事的必要，是因为她。马科斯先生，您将会看到，信中不仅包含忏悔的成分，也有一些具体的事，让我产生了写信的念头。基于上述原因，我的朋友，恐怕我必须向您求助。
In the Name of Allah the Most Beneficent, the Most Merciful, I know that I will be gone when you read this letter, Mr. Markos, for when I gave it to you I requested that you not open it until after my death. Let me state now what a pleasure it has been to know you over the last seven years, Mr. Markos. As I write this, I think fondly of our yearly ritual of planting tomatoes in the garden, your morning visits to my small quarters for tea and pleasantry, our impromptu trading of Farsi and English lessons. I thank you for your friendship, your thoughtfulness, and for the work that you have undertaken in this country, and I trust that you will extend my gratitude to your kindhearted colleagues as well, especially to my friend Ms. Amra Ademovic, who has such capacity for compassion, and to her brave and lovely daughter, Roshi.
以至仁至慈的真主的名义。我知道，马科斯先生，在您读到这封信的时候，我肯定已经离世，因为把信交给您的同时，我请求过您，在我死以前不要把它打开。我要告诉您，马科斯先生，在过去七年里与您相识，相处，是何等的愉快。写这封信的时候，我充满感情地回想起这段岁月，我们在花园里年复一年地种西红柿，您每天早晨到小屋来看我，陪我喝茶，聊天，我们还随兴所至，互教互学，做过不少波斯语[1]和英语的功课。我感谢您的友谊，您的体贴，以及您在我国从事的工作，我也深信，您一定会把我的谢意转达给您善良的同事们，特别是我的朋友阿姆拉·阿德莫维奇女士，她有一颗悲天悯人的心。也请您代我向她勇敢、可爱的女儿罗诗致意。【注：[1]1964年以后，阿富汗波斯语的官方名称改为达里语，以与伊朗波斯语区分，但当地人习惯上仍以波斯语（法尔西语）称之。】
I have thought long on where to begin this story. No easy task, this, for a man who must be in his mid-eighties. My exact age is a mystery to me, as it is to many Afghans of my generation, but I am confident in my approximation because I recall quite vividly a fist-fight with my friend, and later to be brother-in-law, Saboor, on the day we heard that Nāder Shah had been shot and killed, and that Nāder Shah’s son, young Zahir, had ascended to the throne. That was 1933. I could begin there, I suppose. Or somewhere else. A story is like a moving train: no matter where you hop onboard, you are bound to reach your destination sooner or later. But I suppose I ought to begin this tale with the same thing that ends it. Yes, I think it stands to reason that I bookend this account with Nila Wahdati.
我想了很久，不知道这故事该从何说起。这对一个肯定已有八十五六的老头子来说，实非易事。就像我这一辈的很多阿富汗人一样，我到底多大年纪了，连我自己也不清楚。可要是说个大概的岁数，那我心里还是蛮有谱的，因为我非常清楚地记得和萨布尔打过的那一架。他是我的朋友，后来成了我妹夫。打架的那天，我们听说有人朝纳第尔沙开了枪，把他杀了，纳第尔沙的儿子，年轻的查希尔，已经登基做了国王。那是1933年的事。我蛮可以从那个时候讲起，不过还是换个别的开头吧。故事就像行进中的火车：不管你在哪儿跳上去，都能到达目的地，早一些晚一些而已。但是我觉得，这个故事在哪儿结束，也就该从哪儿开始。是的，我认为这样才合情合理，那就从妮拉·瓦赫达提开始吧。
I met her in 1949, the year she married Mr. Wahdati. At the time, I had already been working for Mr. Suleiman Wahdati for two years, having moved to Kabul from Shadbagh, the village where I was born, back in 1946– I had worked for a year in another household in the same neighborhood. The circumstances of my departure from Shadbagh are not something I am proud of, Mr. Markos. Consider it the first of my confessions, then, when I say that I felt stifled by the life I had in the village with my sisters, one of whom was an invalid. Not that it absolves me, but I was a young man, Mr. Markos, eager to take on the world, full of dreams, modest and vague as they may have been, and I pictured my youth ebbing away, my prospects increasingly truncated. So I left. To help provide for my sisters, yes, that is true. But also to escape.
我是1949年遇见她的，那一年她嫁给了瓦赫达提先生。当时我已经为苏莱曼·瓦赫达提先生工作了两年，之前我在同一片住宅区，在另一户人家干过一年。我1946年来了喀布尔，老家在沙德巴格，我就生在那村子。马科斯先生，我离开沙德巴格的前因后果，可不是什么引以为荣的事。请把这当做我的第一个忏悔吧，因为我要说的是，当时我感觉村子里的生活扼杀了我。我和两个妹妹一起过，有一个还是残疾。我无意为自己脱罪，马科斯先生，可我当时是个大小伙子，渴望着闯荡世界，满脑子的梦想，很简单，也很模糊，我的梦想历来如此，可是，眼看着青春慢慢消逝，未来的路越来越窄，我就离开了，去找事做养活两个妹妹。是的，这是实话，可那也是我的逃亡。
Since I was a full-time worker for Mr. Wahdati, I lived at his residence full-time as well. In those days, the house bore little resemblance to the lamentable state in which you found it when you arrived in Kabul in 2002, Mr. Markos. It was a beautiful, glorious place. The house shone sparkling white in those days, as if sheathed with diamonds. The front gates opened onto a wide asphalt driveway. One entered into a high-ceilinged foyer decorated with tall ceramic vases and a circular mirror framed in carved walnut, precisely the spot where you for a while hung the old homemade-camera photo of your childhood friend at the beach. The marble floor of the living room glistened and was partly covered by a dark red Turkoman carpet. The carpet is gone now, as are the leather sofas, the handcrafted coffee table, the lapis chess set, the tall mahogany cabinet. Little of the grand furniture has survived, and I am afraid it is not in the shape it once was.
我为瓦赫达提先生全职工作，所以也全天住在他家里。当时这房子，马科斯先生，可一点都不像您2002年刚到喀布尔时看到的那样破败。它是个漂亮的、宏伟的宅邸。那个时候，这房子洁白耀眼，好像周身镶嵌着钻石。正门外是一条宽宽的柏油车道，一进来就是屋顶高高的门厅，摆放着高大的陶瓷花瓶，一面胡桃木镜框的圆镜子，正好位于有段时间您挂照片的地方，就是您童年时代朋友的照片，用自制老相机在海滩上拍的那张。客厅的大理石地板亮闪闪的，有一部分铺上了深红色的土库曼地毯。地毯现在已经没了，皮沙发、手工茶几、青金石的棋具、高高的红木柜子也都没了。那些豪华的家具几乎什么都没剩下，现在它们恐怕也不是原来的模样了。
The first time I entered the stone-tiled kitchen, my mouth fell wide open. I thought it had been built large enough to feed all of my home village of Shadbagh. I had a six-burner stove, a refrigerator, a toaster, and an abundance of pots, pans, knives, and appliances at my disposal. The bathrooms, all four of them, had intricately carved marble tiles and porcelain sinks. And those square holes in your bathroom counter upstairs, Mr. Markos? They were once filled with lapis.
我头一次走进那贴着石头墙砖的厨房时，嘴巴都合不拢。我想，厨房盖这么大，让我老家沙德巴格的全体村民来这儿吃饭都成。六灶的炉子，一个冰箱，一个烤箱，好多好多的罐子、锅、刀，还有各种各样的厨具供我使用。卫生间总共有四个，贴着精雕细刻的大理石墙砖，装着陶瓷的洗手池。马科斯先生，楼上您卫生间的台子上，有四个方洞对吗？里面本来镶的是青金石。
Then there was the backyard. You must one day sit in your office upstairs, Mr. Markos, look down on the garden, and try to picture it as it was. One entered it through a semilunar veranda bordered by a railing sheathed with green vines. The lawn in those days was lush and green, dotted with beds of flowers — jasmine, sweetbriar, geraniums, tulips — and bordered by two rows of fruit trees. A man could lie beneath one of the cherry trees, Mr. Markos, close his eyes and listen to the breeze squeezing through the leaves and think that there wasn’t on earth a finer place to live.
接下来要说说后园。马科斯先生，您一定得找一天，坐在您楼上的办公室里，往下看看花园，努力想像一下它原先的模样。过去要进花园，得经过一个半月形的游廊，栏杆上爬着绿色的葡萄藤。草坪厚实，翠绿，处处花团锦簇，有茉莉花、野玫瑰、天竺葵和郁金香，草坪的边上是两排果树。马科斯先生，人要是躺在樱桃树下，闭上眼睛，听着微风从树叶之间侧身而过，一定会认为，世界上再也没有比这更好的住处了。
My own living space was a shack in the back of the yard. It had a window, clean walls with white paint, and provided enough space to accommodate an unmarried young man his meager needs. I had a bed, a desk and a chair, and enough room to unroll my prayer rug five times a day. It suited me just fine then and it suits me fine now.
我自己住的，是后园最里面的一间窝棚。它有一扇窗户，四面白墙，粉刷得干干净净，对一个没有太多需要的未婚男青年来说，屋里的空间已经足够大了。我有一张床，一张桌子，一把椅子，还有足够的地方，让我一天五次铺开礼拜毯。小屋当年对我来说刚刚好，现在我也觉得挺合适。
I cooked for Mr. Wahdati, a skill I had picked up first from observing my late mother and later from an elderly Uzbek cook who worked at a household in Kabul where I had served for a year as his help. I was also, and quite happily, Mr. Wahdati’s chauffeur. He owned a mid-1940s model Chevrolet, blue with a tan top, matching blue vinyl seats, and chrome wheels, a handsome car that drew lingering looks wherever we went. He allowed me to drive because I had proven myself to be a prudent and skilled driver, and, besides, he was the rare breed of man who did not enjoy the act of operating a car.
我给瓦赫达提先生做饭。之所以学会这门手艺，最早是看我已故的母亲下厨，后来在喀布尔的一户人家，有个上了年纪的乌兹别克厨子，我给他打过一年的下手。我也非常高兴地做了瓦赫达提先生的司机。他有一辆雪佛兰，四十年代中期的款式，车是蓝色的，带皮篷，同样蓝色的树脂座椅，镀铬的轮毂，非常漂亮的小汽车，不管我们去哪儿，都能让人驻足围观。他让我开车，因为他看出我是个好司机，谨慎，熟练，还因为他是那种不多见的男人，不喜欢摆弄汽车。
Please do not think I am boasting, Mr. Markos, when I say I was a good servant. Through careful observation, I had familiarized myself with Mr. Wahdati’s likes and dislikes, his quirks, his peeves. I had come to know his habits and rituals well. For instance, every morning after breakfast he liked to go for a stroll. He disliked walking alone, however, and thus I was expected to accompany him. I abided by this wish, of course, though I did not see the point of my presence. He hardly said a word to me in the course of these walks and seemed forever lost in his own thoughts. He walked briskly, hands clamped behind his back, nodding at passersby, the heels of his well-polished leather loafers clicking against the pavement. And because his long legs made strides I could not match, I was always falling behind and forced to catch up. The rest of the day, he mostly retreated to his study upstairs, reading or playing a game of chess against himself. He loved to draw — though I could not attest to his skills, at least not then, because he never shared his artwork with me — and I would often catch him up in the study, by the window, or on the veranda, his brow furrowed in concentration, his charcoal pencil looping and circling over the sketch pad.
我是个好仆人。马科斯先生，请不要认为我在自夸。通过细心的观察，我对瓦赫达提先生的好恶，有什么怪癖，有哪些脾气，已经了如指掌。我也弄清楚了他有哪些习惯，有怎样的规范。比如，每天早晨吃过早餐，他都喜欢出门散散步。可他不喜欢一个人散步，所以就希望我陪着他。我只能从命，尽管我不明白自己有啥用。散步的时候，他几乎一句话都不和我说，好像永远在想自己的事。他走起来很快，背着手，对路人点头致意，一双乐福鞋，皮子擦得锃亮，鞋跟在人行道上咔咔作响。他两条大长腿，步子也大，我跟不上，老是掉在后面，只好不停地往前赶。一天当中其余的时间，他大部分都待在楼上的书房里，读书，跟自己下象棋。他喜欢画画，画得有多好我说不上来，至少那会儿还不清楚，因为他从来不让我看他的画。我经常能看到他，不是待在书房的窗口，就是在游廊里，皱着眉头，聚精会神，拿炭笔在速写本上又涂又抹。
I drove him around the city every few days. He went to see his mother once a week. There were also family gatherings. And though Mr. Wahdati avoided most of them, he did attend on occasion, and so I would drive him there, to funerals, birthday parties, weddings. I drove him monthly to an art supply store, where he restocked his pastel pencils, his charcoal, and his erasers and sharpeners and sketchbooks. Sometimes, he liked to sit in the backseat and just go for a drive. I would say, Where to, Sahib? and he would shrug, and I would say, Very well, Sahib, and I would shift into gear and off we would go. I would drive us around the city, for hours, without aim or purpose, from one neighborhood to another, alongside the Kabul River, up to Bala Hissar, sometimes out to the Darulaman Palace. Some days, I drove us out of Kabul and up to Ghargha Lake, where I would park near the banks of the water. I would turn off the engine, and Mr. Wahdati would sit perfectly still in the backseat, not saying a word to me, seemingly content enough to just roll down the window and look at the birds darting from tree to tree, and the streaks of sunlight that struck the lake and scattered into a thousand tiny bobbing specks on the water. I would gaze at him in the rearview mirror and he looked to me like the most lonesome person on earth.
每隔几天，我就开车拉上他，到城里转一转。他去看他母亲，一个礼拜一次。还有家族聚会，不过大部分聚会瓦赫达提先生都推掉了，只是偶尔出席，所以我载着他去那儿，去葬礼、婚礼、生日派对。每个月，我拉他去一次美术用品商店，他到那儿备足蜡笔、炭笔、橡皮、铅笔刀和写生簿。有时他坐到后座上，只想出去兜个风。我问他：去哪儿啊，瓦赫达提先生？他耸耸肩，那我就说：好咧，老爷。然后我挂上挡，我们就出发了，在城里一转就是好几个小时，没有目标，也没有打算，从一个区到另一个区，沿着喀布尔河，开到巴拉喜萨尔堡，有时出城，就到了达鲁阿曼宫。有的日子，我俩开车离开喀布尔，去加尔加湖。到了那儿，我会把车停在离湖畔不远的地方，关掉引擎，瓦赫达提先生在后座上一动不动地坐着，一个字也不和我说，好像让他心满意足的只是摇下车窗，看着小鸟在树间飞来飞去，阳光播洒在湖面上，散映成千千万万细碎的光斑，在水波中起伏荡漾。我从后视镜里看着他，他也看我，一副天底下最孤单的模样。
Once a month, Mr. Wahdati, quite generously, let me borrow his car, and I would drive down to Shadbagh, my native village, to visit my sister Parwana and her husband, Saboor. Whenever I drove into the village, I would be greeted by hordes of hollering children, who would scamper alongside the car, slapping the fender, tapping at the window. Some of the little runts would even try to climb atop the roof, and I would have to shoo them away for fear that they would scratch the paint or cause a dent in the fender.
瓦赫达提先生非常大方，让我每月一次借用他的汽车，开回村里，我的老家沙德巴格，看我妹妹帕尔瓦娜和她丈夫萨布尔。我开着车一进村，就有成群的小孩，大呼小叫地上前迎接，围着车跑啊，跳啊，拍着车身，敲着车窗。有些小崽子还想往车顶上爬，我不得不把他们轰到边上，就怕他们刮花了漆，把车身顶出坑。
Look at you, Nabi, Saboor said to me. You are a celebrity.
瞧瞧你，纳比。萨布尔对我说，你成大明星了。
Because his children, Abdullah and Pari, had lost their natural mother (Parwana was their stepmother), I always tried to be attentive to them, especially to the older boy, who most seemed to need it. I offered to take him alone for rides in the car, though he always insisted on bringing his baby sister, holding her tightly in his lap, as we circled the road around Shadbagh. I let him work the wipers, honk the horn. I showed him how to switch the headlights from dim to full.
萨布尔有俩孩子，一个叫阿卜杜拉，一个叫帕丽，生母死了（帕尔瓦娜是他俩的后妈），所以对他们，我总是非常关照，特别是那个大一些的男孩，他好像最需要这些。我提出带他一个人开车兜兜风，可他总要把小妹妹也带上。我们围着沙德巴格，在公路上绕圈的时候，他把妹妹放到腿上，紧紧地搂着她。我让他开雨刷，按喇叭。我还给他演示，怎么把大灯一档一档地开到全光。
One day, Mr. Wahdati came into the yard wearing a handsome pin-striped suit, one I had never seen on him before, and requested that I drive him to an affluent neighborhood of the city. When we arrived, he instructed me to park on the street outside a beautiful high-walled house, and I watched him ring the bell at the gates and enter when a servant answered. The house was huge, bigger than Mr. Wahdati’s, and even more beautiful. Tall, slender cypresses adorned the driveway, along with a densely packed array of bushes of a flower I did not recognize. The backyard was at least twice the size of Mr. Wahdati’s, and the walls stood tall enough that if a man climbed on the shoulders of another, he still could hardly steal a peek. This was wealth of another magnitude, I recognized.
有一天，瓦赫达提先生走进院子，穿着一套漂亮的条纹西装，我以前从来没见他穿过这身衣服。他让我开车送他去城里另一个富人区。我们到了以后，他告诉我把车停在路边，就在一座围墙高高的房子外面。我看到他在大门口摇响了门铃，有个仆人开门让他进去。那房子巨大，比瓦赫达提先生家还大，甚至还要更漂亮。车道两边植有高大细长的柏树，还有密实的灌木，开着一种我叫不上名字的花。后园至少有瓦赫达提先生家的两倍大，墙很高，要是有人想偷看，那他即便踩着另一个男人的肩膀，恐怕也够不着。我看出来了，这是另一个等级的富户。
After all the fuss about the car died down, I would sit for tea with my sister and Saboor and I would tell them about my life in Kabul. I took care not to say too much about Mr. Wahdati. I was, in truth, quite fond of him, for he treated me well, and speaking of him behind his back seemed to me like a betrayal. If I had been a less discreet employee, I would have told them that Suleiman Wahdati was a mystifying creature to me, a man seemingly satisfied with living the rest of his days off the wealth of his inheritance, a man with no profession, no apparent passion, and apparently no impulse to leave behind something of himself in this world. I would have told them that he lived a life lacking in purpose or direction. Like those aimless rides I took him on. A life lived from the backseat, observed as it blurred by. An indifferent life.
玩完了车，全消停了，我就坐下来，和我妹妹还有萨布尔喝茶，讲讲我在喀布尔的生活。我很留心，瓦赫达提先生的事不便多讲。说实话，我很喜欢他，因为他对我好，所以在背后对他说三道四，在我看来就像是背叛。如果我是个嘴巴不那么牢靠的仆人，准会告诉他们，苏莱曼·瓦赫达提在我眼里就是个大怪物，这爷们儿好像拿定主意，就靠遗产打发掉下半辈子了，他没有正经职业，没啥特别的热情，显然也无意在身后给这世界留下什么东西。我还会告诉他们，他过的是一种没有目标，缺少方向的生活。就像我开车带他漫无目的地兜风一样。一种生活在后座上的生活，随波逐流，不求甚解。一种冷眼旁观的生活。
This is what I would have said, but I did not. And a good thing I did not. For how wrong I would have been.
我要是开口，准会这样说，可我没讲过。我不讲就对了。我要是讲了，那才是大错特错。
It was then that the front gates opened and a black-haired young woman emerged. She wore sunglasses and a short-sleeved tangerine-colored dress that fell short of the knees. Her legs were bare, and so were her feet. I did not know whether she had noticed me sitting in the car, and, if she had, she offered no indication. She rested the heel of one foot against the wall behind her and, when she did, the hem of the dress pulled up slightly and thus revealed a bit of the thigh beneath. I felt a burning spread down from my cheeks to my neck.
就在此时，那房子的大门开了，一个黑头发的年轻女人走了出来。她戴着太阳镜，穿一条短袖的橘红色裙子，短至膝盖。她光裸着两腿，双脚也赤露在外。我不知道她是不是注意到了我在车里坐着，可就算她注意到了，我也没看出来。她抬起一只脚，鞋跟踩在身后的墙上，这样一来，她裙子的下摆就稍微拉高了一些，露出了里面的一小截大腿。我感到脸上一下就烧起来了，一路往下，烧到了脖子。
It was a bright early-summer day, and the sky was brilliant with sunshine. Warm air wafted in through the windows, which I had rolled down. Though a chauffeur’s job is to drive, he actually spends most of his time waiting. Waiting outside stores, engine idling; waiting outside a wedding hall, listening to the muffled sound of the music. To pass the time that day, I played a few games of cards. When I tired of cards, I stepped out of the car and took a few steps in one direction, then the other. I sat inside once more, thinking I might steal a nap before Mr. Wahdati returned.
这是初夏明媚的一天，阳光灿烂，天空鲜艳。我摇下车窗，让风暖暖地浮荡而入。别看司机的工作是开车，可其实呢，大部分时间都花在了等人上。等在商店外头，空转着引擎；等在举办婚礼的楼外，听着音乐含混的回声。那天为了打发时间，我玩了几把扑克，玩腻了就下车，朝这边走几步，又往另一边踱一踱。后来我坐回车里，心里合计，瓦赫达提先生出来之前，我也许能小眯一觉。
Allow me to make another confession here, Mr. Markos, one of a somewhat distasteful nature, leaving little room for elegant handling. At the time, I must have been in my late twenties, a young man at the prime of his desires for a woman’s company. Unlike many of the men I grew up with in my village — young men who had never seen the bare thigh of a grown woman and married, in part, for the license to at last cast their gaze upon such a sight — I did have some experience. I had found in Kabul, and on occasion visited, establishments where a young man’s needs could be addressed with both discretion and convenience. I mention this only to make the point that no whore I had ever lain with could compare with the beautiful, graceful creature who had just stepped out of the big house.
说到这儿，请允许我再做一次忏悔吧，马科斯先生。一种令人有几分愧疚的本能，在我心底蠢蠢欲动。那时候我肯定还不到三十岁，是个大小伙子，正处在欲望的高峰，想有女人作伴。我跟我们村里好多同龄的男人不一样——那些小伙子连成年女人光光的大腿都没见过，就结婚了，从某种程度上说，只有结了婚，他们才能获得许可，瞅一瞅这样的大腿。跟他们相比，我真该算得上有些经验了。这些经验是我在喀布尔获得的。我偶尔会去拜访某些地方，到了那儿，一个年轻男人的需要，可以得到既审慎又便利的满足。我这样说只是为了证明，我与之同寝过的娼妓，没有一个比得上眼前这位——这位刚从大宅子里走出来的，美丽的，优雅的造物。
Leaning against the wall, she lit a cigarette and smoked without hurry and with bewitching grace, holding it at the very tip of two fingers and cupping her hand before her mouth each time she raised it to her lips. I watched with rapt attention. The way her hand bent at its slender wrist reminded me of an illustration I had once seen in a glossy book of poems of a long-lashed woman with flowing dark hair lying with her lover in a garden, offering him a cup of wine with her pale delicate fingers. At one point, something seemed to catch the woman’s attention up the street in the opposite direction, and I used the brief chance to quickly finger-brush my hair, which was beginning to mat down in the heat. When she turned back, I froze once more. She took a few more puffs, crushed the cigarette against the wall, and sauntered back inside.
她倚靠在墙上，点燃一支香烟，不紧不慢地吸着，带着令人销魂的优雅，用两根手指的指尖夹着烟，每次抬临双唇，手都蜷在嘴前。我看得目不转睛。她这只细腕玉手弓起的模样，让我想起一幅画，那是我从前在一本亮光纸印刷的诗集里看到的，画的是一个妇人，睫毛长长，黑发如瀑，和情人在花园里同寝，她正用细若无骨的手指拿着一杯酒，递给情人。街对面有什么东西，一度吸引了这女人的注意，我利用这短暂的间隙，赶快拿手抓了几下头发，要不然因为天热，头发已经开始粘结成块了。她回过头，我便再次僵坐不动。她又吸了几口，在墙上捻灭了香烟，然后悠闲地走回宅中。
At last, I could breathe.
终于，我能呼吸了。
That night, Mr. Wahdati called me into the living room and said, “I have news, Nabi. I am getting married.”
当晚，瓦赫达提先生把我叫进客厅，说：“有事情告诉你，纳比，我要结婚了。”
It seemed I had overestimated his fondness for solitude after all.
看来，对他喜爱孤独的程度，我毕竟是有些高估了。
News of the engagement spread swiftly. And so did rumors. I heard them from the other workers who came and went through Mr. Wahdati’s house. The most vocal of these was Zahid, a gardener who came in three days a week to maintain the lawn and trim the trees and bushes, an unpleasant fellow with the repulsive habit of flicking his tongue after each sentence, a tongue with which he cast rumors as offhandedly as he tossed fistfuls of fertilizer. He was part of a group of lifelong laborers who, like me, worked in the neighborhood as cooks, gardeners, and errand men. One or two nights a week, after the workday was over, they squeezed into my shack for after-dinner tea. I do not recall how this ritual started, but, once it did, I was powerless to stop it, wary of seeming rude and inhospitable, or, worse, of appearing to think myself superior to my own kind.
订婚的消息传得很快。流言蜚语同样如此。我是从瓦赫达提先生家进进出出的工友那儿听来的。嘴巴最贱的就是园丁扎希德。他每个礼拜来三天，打理草坪，给大树剪枝，修齐矮树。他是个讨厌的家伙，有个让人恶心的习惯，每说一句话，都要吐一吐舌头。就是这条舌头，在不假思索地喷吐着流言蜚语，好像一把又一把地丢撒着粪肥。和我一样，他也是一辈子给人打工的命，我们这些人成了一拨，都是这一片的厨子、园丁和杂役。每个礼拜都有一两个晚上，干完活，吃完晚饭，大伙便挤到我的小窝棚里喝茶。我记不清这个惯例是怎么形成的，不过，一旦成了惯例，我就没办法把它打破了，惟恐表现得没礼貌，不好客，或者更糟的是，让人以为我在同类中间，自觉高人一等。
That was when I rose and told them that I had heard enough. I berated them for gossiping like a sewing circle of old women and reminded them that without people like Mr. Wahdati the likes of us would be back in our villages collecting cow dung. Where is your loyalty, your respect? I demanded.
就是这个时候，我站了起来，对他们说我听够了。我痛斥他们，骂他们像做针线活的老婆子一样，聚在一起说小话。我提醒他们，如果没有瓦赫达提先生这样的人，就咱们这副德行，早回自己村子捡牛粪去了。我质问道：你们的忠心，你们的尊重，都到哪里去了？
Over tea one night, Zahid told the other men that Mr. Wahdati’s family did not approve of the marriage because of his bride-to-be’s poor character. He said it was well known in Kabul that she had no nang and namoos, no honor, and that though she was only twenty she had already been “ridden all over town” like Mr. Wahdati’s car. Worst of all, he said, not only had she made no attempt to deny these allegations, she wrote poems about them. A murmur of disapproval spread through the room when he said this. One of the men remarked that in his village they would have slit her throat by now.
有天晚上喝茶的时候，扎希德告诉别的老爷们儿，瓦赫达提先生的家族不同意这门亲事，因为他那没过门的新媳妇品行不端。他说，喀布尔尽人皆知，她既没囊，也没纳穆斯，[2]没有好名声，才二十岁，就敢“在全城到处抛头露面”，跟瓦赫达提先生的小汽车一样。最糟的是，扎希德说，她不仅不否认这些指控，还拿这种事写诗。说到这儿，满屋子响起了一片非难之声。有个男人说，要是在村里，他们早就把她的喉咙割开了。【注：[2]囊（nang）和纳穆斯（namoos）代表荣誉和自尊。】
A brief moment of quiet passed during which I thought I had made an impression on the dullards and then laughter broke out. Zahid said I was an ass-licker, and perhaps the soon-to-be mistress of the house would ink a poem and call it “Ode to Nabi, the Licker of Many Asses.” I stomped indignantly out of the shack to an uproar of cackles.
片刻的沉默。我本以为自己把这帮蠢汉子镇住了，没想到他们哄堂大笑。扎希德说我是马屁精，说不定这房子未来的女主人会写首诗，名字就叫《舔屁能手纳比颂》。我气急败坏，一跺脚出了窝棚，留他们在里面笑闹不停。
Allow me a brief pause here, Mr. Markos, to say that I will from here on refer to Mr. Wahdati’s wife as Nila. Needless to say, this is a liberty I was not allowed back then and one I would not have accepted even if it had been offered to me. I referred to her always as Bibi Sahib, with the deference expected of me. But for the purposes of this letter, I will dispense with etiquette and refer to her the way I always thought of her.
马科斯先生，请允许我稍停片刻，略作说明，从现在开始，我将把瓦赫达提先生的妻子称作妮拉。不用说，回到当年，我不可能得到这样的权利，哪怕人家给了我这个权利，我也不能接受。我过去总是叫她“尊贵的太太”，带着理所当然的恭敬。可是考虑到这封信的用意，我将把礼节放到一边，依照我心里始终所想的来称呼她。
But I did not stray too far. Their gossip, by turns, revolted and fascinated me. And despite my show of righteousness, for all my talk of propriety and discretion, I stayed within earshot. I did not want to miss a single lurid detail.
可我没走太远。他们那些闲话一会儿让我厌恶，一会儿让我着迷。不管我刚才表现得多么正直不阿，说的话多么得体和审慎，我还是待在听力所及的范围之内。我不想错过任何一句让人血脉偾张的细节。
The engagement lasted only days and culminated not in a big ceremony with live singers and dancers and merriment all around but with a brief visit by a mullah, a witness, and the scribbling of two signatures across a sheet of paper. And with that, less than two weeks after I had laid eyes on her for the first time, Mrs. Wahdati moved into the house.
婚礼没过几天就举行了，不过没有盛大的仪式，也没请人来唱歌跳舞，听不见阵阵欢声笑语，只有一位毛拉和一个证婚人短暂到场，外加一页纸上两个潦草的签名。这样一来，从我第一次看到她，还不到两个礼拜，瓦赫达提太太就搬到家里来了。
In the mornings, I served Mr. Wahdati his customary breakfast — a piece of toasted naan, half a cup of walnuts, green tea with a sprinkle of cardamom and no sugar, and a single boiled egg. He liked the yolk to run just so when he punctured the egg, and my initial failures to master this particular consistency had proved a source of considerable anxiety on my part. While I accompanied Mr. Wahdati on his daily morning walk, Nila slept in, often until noon or even later. By the time she rose, I was all but ready to serve Mr. Wahdati his lunch.
一大早，我要按照惯例，伺候瓦赫达提先生吃早点——一片烤馕，半碗核桃仁，绿茶里撒点小豆蔻，但不加糖，还有一只煮鸡蛋。他喜欢把蛋戳开，让蛋黄往外流，一开始我老也掌握不好火候，感觉相当焦虑。每天早晨，当我依例陪着瓦赫达提先生散步的时候，妮拉还在睡懒觉呢，通常她要睡到中午，甚至更晚才起。等她起床了，我差不多也该伺候瓦赫达提先生吃午餐了。
All morning, as I tended to my chores, I ached for the moment when Nila would push the screen door that opened from the living room out onto the veranda. I would play games in my head, guessing at her appearance that particular day. Would her hair be up, I wondered, tied in a bun at the back of her neck, or would I see it loose, tumbling down over her shoulders? Would she wear sunglasses? Would she opt for sandals? Would she choose the blue silk robe with the belt or the magenta one with the big round buttons?
整个上午，我一边干着杂活，一边渴望着妮拉出现的时刻，等着她推开客厅通往游廊的纱门。我会胡思乱想，猜她那天的打扮。不知道她的头发是梳起来，在脑后扎成一个发髻呢，还是会让我看到头发放开着，乱乱地披垂于双肩？她会戴太阳镜吗？会穿凉鞋吗？是穿那件配腰带的蓝丝袍，还是那件洋红色的，有大圆扣子的罩袍呢？
Now, I knew from the start that the marriage was an unhappy one. Rarely did I see a tender look pass between the couple or hear an affectionate word uttered. They were two people occupying the same house whose paths rarely seemed to intersect at all.
这么说吧，从一开始我就知道这桩婚姻不幸福。我很少看到这两口子之间有什么示爱的表情，也很少听见他们说过什么甜蜜的话语。他们是住在同一幢房子里的两个人，各有各的生活，好像一点也不相干。
When she made her entrance at last, I would busy myself in the yard, pretending the hood of the car needed wiping, or else I would find a sweetbriar bush to water, but the whole time I watched. I watched when she pushed up her sunglasses to rub her eyes, or when she removed the elastic band from her hair and threw back her head to let the dark lustrous curls fall loose, and I watched when she sat with her chin resting on her knees, staring into the yard, taking languid drags of her cigarette, or when she crossed her legs and bobbed one foot up and down, a gesture that suggested to me boredom or restlessness or perhaps heedless mischief barely held in check.
等她终于亮相，我便在园中瞎忙一气，假装看到车头得擦，或是发现野玫瑰要浇水，不过自始至终，我眼睛都没闲着。我看她把太阳镜推上去，揉着眼睛，看她取下绑头发的橡皮筋，向后甩甩脑袋，抛落一头光亮的卷发，或者看她坐着，下巴搁在膝头，望着院子，懒洋洋地吸烟，又或者双腿交叠，一只脚上下摆荡，这姿势在我看来，代表着无聊或烦躁，或许只是一种难以自控，漫不经心的俏皮。
Mr. Wahdati was, on occasion, at her side, but often not. He spent most of his days as he had before, reading in his upstairs study, doing his sketches, his daily routines more or less unaltered by the fact of marriage. Nila wrote most days, either in the living room or else on the veranda, pencil in hand, sheets of paper spilling from her lap, and always the cigarettes. At night, I served them dinner, and they each received the meal in pointed silence, gaze lowered to the platter of rice, the quiet broken only by a muttered Thank you and the tinkling of spoon and fork against china.
瓦赫达提先生偶尔出现在她左右，但通常并不这样。他仍然和从前一样，大部分时间待在楼上的书房里，读书，画画，这桩婚事几乎没有改变他的日常起居。妮拉的大部分时间用来写作，不是在客厅，便是在游廊上，手拿铅笔，几页纸铺在腿上，而香烟总是必不可少的。到了晚上，我伺候他们用饭，两人以毫不掩饰的沉默，各自接过食物，低头盯住自己的米饭盘子，只有低声的“谢谢”，以及勺子和叉子碰到瓷盘时的叮当声响，才会打破这片寂静。
Once or twice a week, I had to drive Nila when she needed a pack of cigarettes or a fresh set of pens, a new notepad, makeup. If I knew ahead of time that I would be driving her, I always made sure to comb my hair and brush my teeth. I washed my face, rubbed a sliced lemon against my fingers to rid them of the scent of onions, patted the dust off my suit, and polished my shoes. The suit, which was olive colored, was in fact a hand-me-down from Mr. Wahdati, and I hoped that he hadn’t told this to Nila — though I suspected he may have. Not out of malice, but because people in Mr. Wahdati’s position often cannot appreciate how small, trivial things like this could bring shame to a man like me. Sometimes, I even wore the lambskin cap that had belonged to my late father. I would stand there before the mirror, tilting the cap this way and that on my head, so absorbed in the act of rendering myself presentable to Nila that if a wasp had landed on my nose it would have had to sting me to make its presence known.
每个礼拜有一两次，我要开车载着妮拉出门买烟，买新笔、新本子，或化妆品。如果事先知道要给她开车，我一定会梳个头，刷个牙。我要洗脸，拿一片柠檬，挨个蹭一遍手指头，好把洋葱味去掉。我会掸掉西装上的尘土，把鞋子擦亮。那套橄榄绿的西装，其实是瓦赫达提先生送给我的旧衣服，我希望他没把这事告诉妮拉——不过我猜，他可能已经跟她说过了。他这样做并无恶意，可是像瓦赫达提先生这种地位的人通常意识不到，微不足道的琐事也会让我这样的人蒙羞。有时候，我甚至把父亲死后留下的羊皮帽子也戴上。我站到镜子前面，把头上的帽子往这边拉拉，再往另一边拽拽，全神贯注，想像着自己像模像样地出现在妮拉面前。此时就算有只黄蜂落到我鼻子上，非得蜇我一口，才能让我注意到它的存在。
Once we were on the road, I looked for minor detours to our destination, if possible, detours designed to prolong the trip by a minute — or maybe two, but no more lest she grow suspicious — and thereby extend my time with her. I drove with both hands clenching the wheel, and my eyes firmly on the road. I exercised rigid self-control and did not look at her in the rearview mirror, doing so only if she addressed me. I contented myself with the mere fact of her presence in the backseat, with breathing in her many scents — expensive soap, lotion, perfume, chewing gum, cigarette smoke. That, most days, was sufficient to lend wings to my spirits.
一旦出门上路，只要有可能，在到达目的地之前，我会想法多绕一段，绕远是为了拖长路程，多一分钟——也许两分钟，但是不会多到让她生疑——由此延长我和她在一起的时间。我双手紧握着方向盘，眼睛死死盯着路面。我奉行严格的自我控制，绝不透过后视镜看她，只在她和我说话时才这样做。只要她坐在后座上，我便已经很满足了，我能闻到她身上的各种味道——昂贵的香皂、润肤露、香水、口香糖，还有烟味儿。在大部分时间里，这些味道都足以让我情绪高昂。
“Ah.”
“哦。”
“Very sweet indeed.”
“真的很甜。”
I was dying a thousand deaths inside. I felt moisture beginning to form under my arms.
我恨不得找条地缝钻进去，死了算了。我感到胳肢窝里开始冒汗。
“Oh, surely there is some distinguishing thing.”
“噢，肯定有些不太一样的东西。”
“Are they,” she said flatly.
“是吗？”她无动于衷地说。
I stayed calm in my appearance, but I was frantic inside, desperate to retrieve something, some clever oddity, that might be of interest to her, that might amuse her. It was no use. What could a man like me, a villager, a small man with a small life, possibly have to say that would capture the fancy of a woman like her?
我表面上保持着平静，心里却一片狂乱，拼命想回忆起点什么，奇花啊，异草啊，得像个样子，能让她感兴趣，能让她听了高兴。可这没用。像我这样的人，一个农民，一个没啥见识的小人物，又能说出什么，让她这样的女人听了为之心动？
“There isn’t much to say, Bibi Sahib. It is a village like any other.”
“也没啥好说的，尊贵的太太。跟别的村子一样。”
“Shadbagh, Bibi Sahib.”
“沙德巴格，尊贵的太太。”
“Shadbagh, yes. What is it like? Tell me.”
“沙德巴格，就是了。它是什么样子的？跟我说说。”
It was in the car that we had our first conversation. Our first real conversation, that is, discounting myriad times she had asked me to fetch this or carry that. I was taking her to a pharmacy to pick up medicine, and she said, “What is it like, Nabi, your village? What is it called again?”
正是在车上，我和她有了第一次交谈。我们第一次真正的交谈，也就是说，不算无数次的她让我拿这拿那。我载着她去药房取药的时候，她问我：“纳比，你们村是什么样子的？它叫什么来着？”
“The grapes are excellent,” I said, and no sooner had I uttered the words than I wished to slap my own face. Grapes?
“葡萄挺棒的。”我说。可是一咕噜出这两个字，我就恨不得抽自己一个大嘴巴。葡萄？
“There is one particular grape,” I said from a suddenly dry mouth. “They say it grows only in Shadbagh. It is very brittle, you see, very fragile. If you try to grow it in any other place, even the next village over, it will wither and die. It will perish. It dies of sadness, people in Shadbagh say, but, of course, that is not true. It’s a matter of soil and water. But that is what they say, Bibi Sahib. Sadness.”
“有一种很特别的葡萄，”我说，突然变得口干舌燥，“据说只有沙德巴格才种得出来。它非常娇贵，怎么说呢，非常难活。你要是在别的地方种它，哪怕是在旁边的村子，那它一定就干巴了，然后死掉。它会枯萎。会死于忧伤。沙德巴格的人都这么说，可是当然了，没有这回事。只是水土不服而已。可他们就是这样说的，尊贵的太太。忧伤。”
I chanced a quick glance at the rearview mirror and saw that she was looking out her window, but I also found, to my great relief, the corners of her mouth curled up just so, in a shadow of a smile. Heartened now, I heard myself say, “May I tell you another story, Bibi Sahib?”
我冒险往后视镜里飞快地瞅了一眼，看到她正望向窗外，可我也大大地松了一口气，因为我发现她的嘴角向上抬起着，正是微笑过后的余韵。我精神为之一振，随即听到自己又开了口：“我可以再给您讲个故事吗，尊贵的太太？”
“That’s really lovely, Nabi.”
“很动人，纳比。”
“Well, we have a mullah in Shadbagh. All villages have a mullah, of course. Ours is named Mullah Shekib, and he is full of stories. How many he knows, I could not tell you. But one thing he always told us was this: that if you look at any Muslim’s palms, no matter where in the world, you will see something quite astonishing. They all have the same lines. Meaning what? Meaning that the lines on a Muslim’s left hand make the Arabic number eighty-one, and the ones on the right the number eighteen. Subtract eighteen from eighty-one and what do you get? You get sixty-three. The Prophet’s age when he died, peace be upon him.”
“嗯，在沙德巴格我们有个毛拉。当然了，每个村子都有毛拉。我们这一位叫谢基卜毛拉，他是个故事大王。他会讲多少个故事，我说不上来。可是有件事，他给我们讲了一遍又一遍：如果你看看任何一个穆斯林的手掌，不管在这世界上哪个地方，你都会发现让人大大吃惊的东西。他们的掌纹一模一样。什么意思？意思就是说，穆斯林左手的掌纹构成了阿拉伯数字里的81，而右手上就是数字18.81减18得多少？ 63啊。正好是先知归真的年龄，愿主赐他平安与吉庆。”
“By all means.” The lighter clicked, and smoke drifted toward me from the backseat.
“尽管讲。”打火机咔嗒一声，烟从后座朝我飘来。
I heard a low chuckle from the backseat.
我听见后座传来一声低笑。
“Now, one day a traveler was passing through, and, of course, he sat with Mullah Shekib for a meal that evening, as is custom. The traveler heard this story and he thought about it, and then he said, ‘But, Mullah Sahib, with all due respect, I met a Jew once and I swear his palms bore the very same lines. How do you explain it?’ And Mullah said, ‘Then the Jew was a Muslim at heart.'”
“后来，有个旅行家路过。理所当然，按照惯例，那天晚上他就和谢基卜毛拉一块吃饭。旅行家听了这个故事，想了好一会儿，然后说：‘可是，谢基卜毛拉，请您恕我直言，我从前遇见过一个犹太人，我发誓他的两只手也有着一模一样的掌纹。这件事您怎样来解释呢？’毛拉说：‘这个嘛，那犹太人骨子里也是个穆斯林。’”
Understand that it wasn’t merely her beauty, Mr. Markos, that had me so spellbound, though that alone might have been enough. I had never in my life encountered a young woman like Nila. Everything she did — the way she spoke, the way she walked, dressed, smiled — was a novelty to me. Nila pushed against every single notion I had ever had of how a woman was to behave, a trait that I knew met with the stout disapproval of people like Zahid — and surely Saboor too, and every man in my village, and all the women — but to me it only added to her already enormous allure and mystery.
请您理解，马科斯先生，让我神魂颠倒的不只是她的美貌，尽管这美貌已足以让人着迷。我一生中还从未遇见过妮拉这样的年轻女人。她做的一切——说话的方式，走路的样子，穿衣打扮，微笑的模样——事事都让我觉得新奇。对女人如何举手投足，妮拉动摇了我以往所持有的每一种概念。我知道，这些特点必定会遭到某些人顽固的反对，比如扎希德，再比如萨布尔，还有我们村里的所有男人，以及所有女人。可是这些特点对我来说，不过是增加了她本已巨大的诱惑与神秘。
Her sudden outburst of laughter bewitched me for the rest of the day. It was as though it — God forgive me for this blasphemy — had descended down on me from Heaven itself, the garden of the righteous, as the book says, where rivers flow beneath, and perpetual are the fruits and the shade therein.
猛然间，她爆发出一阵大笑，直到那天晚上，我都陶醉在这笑声里。就好像——真主宽恕我的不敬——就好像乐园从天堂降临我身，如经书所言，那乐园下临诸河，其中的果实是永恒的，其中的荫影也是永恒的。[3] 【注：[3]见《古兰经》第十三章《雷霆（赖尔得）》，第三十五节。马坚译文。】
And so her laughter still rang in my ears as I went about my work that day, and later, when the other workers came over for tea, I grinned and muted their cackles with the sweet tinkle of her laughter, and I prided myself on knowing that my clever story had given her a bit of reprieve from the discontent of her marriage. She was an extraordinary woman, and I went to bed that night feeling like I was perhaps more than ordinary myself. This was the effect she had on me.
那一天我干活的时候，甚至后来别的工友过来喝茶的时候，她的笑声还回荡在我耳畔。我龇着牙，美滋滋地，根本听不见他们的叽叽呱呱，耳边只有她那银铃般的笑声，我也很有几分得意，因为我知道自己讲了个聪明的故事，让她从婚姻的不满足中得到了少许的缓解。她真是个非凡的女人。那天夜里上床的时候，我感觉自己好像也有了几分不凡。这就是她对我的影响所在。
Soon, we were conversing daily, Nila and I, usually in the late morning when she sat sipping coffee on the veranda. I would saunter over under the pretense of some task or other and there I was, leaning against a shovel, or tending to a cup of green tea, speaking to her. I felt privileged that she had chosen me. I was not the only servant, after all; I have already mentioned that unscrupulous toad Zahid, and there was a jowly-faced Hazara woman who came twice a week to wash laundry. But it was me she turned to. I was the only one, I believed, including her own husband, with whom her loneliness lifted. She usually did most of the talking, which suited me well; I was happy enough to be the vessel into which she poured her stories. She told me, for instance, of a hunting trip to Jalalabad she had taken with her father and how she had been haunted for weeks by nightmares of dead deer with glassy eyes. She said she had gone with her mother to France when she was a child, before the Second World War. To get there, she had taken both a train and a ship. She described to me how she had felt the jostling of the train wheels in her ribs. And she remembered well the curtains that hung from hooks and the separated compartments, and the rhythmic puff and hiss of the steam engine. She told me of the six weeks she had spent the year before in India with her father when she had been very ill.
不久我们就天天交谈了，妮拉和我，通常是在上午较晚，她坐在游廊上喝咖啡的时候。我会晃悠过去，假装有这样那样的活儿要干，然后倚着铁锹，要么就守着杯绿茶，和她讲话。她能选我，让我感到格外受宠。要知道，我可不是惟一的仆人。我已经提到过那个寡廉鲜耻的癞蛤蟆扎希德了，还有个双下巴、大脸盘的哈扎拉妇人，她每个礼拜来两次，洗衣服。可是妮拉就选了我。我是惟一的人。我相信，连她自己的丈夫也没这福分，和他一起，只会增添她的孤独。一般情况下，都是她说我听，我觉得这样挺好的。能做她一口缸，让她往里倒故事，我已经备感幸福。比方说，她跟我谈起过她和父亲去贾拉拉巴德打猎的事，还说那些死鹿无神的眼睛如何好几个礼拜缠着她不放。她说她小时候和母亲一块儿去过法国，那是第二次世界大战之前的事。一路上，她又坐火车，又搭船。她跟我讲了火车轮子咣当咣当，简直要震断肋骨的感觉。她还清楚地记得吊钩上垂挂的窗帘，相互分隔的卧车包房，以及蒸汽机车有节奏的喷气和嘶鸣。她告诉我，她得过一场大病，去年和她父亲一起，在印度住过六个礼拜。
Now and then, when she turned to tap ash into a saucer, I stole a quick glance at the red polish on her toenails, at the gold-tinged sheen of her shaved calves, the high arch of her foot, and always at her full, perfectly shaped breasts. There were men walking this earth, I marveled, who had touched those breasts and kissed them as they had made love to her. What was left to do in life once you had done that? Where did a man go next once he’d stood at the world’s summit? It was only with a great act of will that I would snap my eyes back to a safe spot when she turned to face me.
时不时地，趁她扭头往茶碟里弹烟灰的当口，我便偷偷瞥一眼她那红艳艳的脚指甲，刮过毛的，散发出淡淡金色光华的小腿，还有她高高的足弓，而且，我总要多看一眼她那对饱满的，形状完美的乳房。我真觉得不可思议，有些男人抚摸完这两只乳房，和她做爱，亲吻过它们之后，竟然还能活在世上。难道你做完之后，这辈子还有什么别的追求不成？一个已经站上世界之巅的男人还能再往何处去？可一旦她回过头，面对着我，我便猛然警醒，下意识地收起目光，看着安全的地方。
As she grew more comfortable, she registered with me, during these morning chats, complaints about Mr. Wahdati. She said, one day, that she found him aloof and often arrogant.
随着她越来越放松，我清清楚楚地记得，就在那些上午的闲谈期间，她抱怨起了瓦赫达提先生。有一天她说，她发现他冷漠而傲慢。
“He has been most generous to me,” I said.
“他对我一直非常宽厚。”我说。
She flapped one hand dismissively. “Please, Nabi. You don’t have to do that.”
她不屑一顾地摆了摆手。“得了，纳比。你用不着帮他说话。”
Politely, I turned my gaze downward. What she said was not entirely untrue. Mr. Wahdati did have, for instance, a habit of correcting my manner of speech with an air of superiority that could be interpreted, perhaps not wrongly, as arrogance. Sometimes I entered the room, placed a platter of sweets before him, refreshed his tea, wiped his crumbs off the table, and he would no more acknowledge me than he would a fly crawling up the screen door, shrinking me into insignificance without even lifting his eyes. In the end, though, this made for a minor quibble, given that I knew people living in the same neighborhood — people I had worked for — who beat their servants with sticks and belts.
出于礼貌，我低下了头。她说的未必不是事实。的确，举个例子来说吧，瓦赫达提先生有一种习惯，老是用一种高高在上的语气，纠正我说话的腔调，也许是的，你可以把这理解为傲慢。有时我走进房间，把一盘甜点放到他面前，给他添上茶，擦掉他桌上的糕饼屑，可他呢，对我不理不睬，好像我都不如爬在纱门上的一只苍蝇。他对我完全无视，连眼皮都不抬一下。说到底，尽管像是小小的诡辩，可我也知道，那些住在同一个住宅区的人——我给他们做过工的人——是打自己仆人的，用棍子打，拿皮带抽。
“Maybe he should live with his mother. What do you think, Nabi? They make a good match, I tell you.”
也许他应该和他妈住在一起。你觉得呢，纳比？我跟你说，他俩才是天生的一对。”
I was a little startled by her offhand candor. “It is true that Mr. Wahdati is uniquely comfortable with solitude,” I said, opting for cautious diplomacy.
我被她突如其来的坦率吓了一跳。“确实，瓦赫达提先生非常罕见地安于孤独的状态。”我说，小心谨慎地选择着婉转的措辞。“
“He has no sense of fun or adventure,” she said, listlessly stirring her coffee. “Suleiman is a brooding old man trapped in a younger man’s body.”
“他没有幽默感，也没有冒险精神。”她说，百无聊赖地搅拌着咖啡。“苏莱曼是个暮气沉沉的老头子，空有一副年轻的皮囊。”
It was clear to me that every time I took Nila and Mr. Wahdati to the old woman’s house, the air in the backseat would be heavy with tension, and I would know from the pained furrow on Nila’s brow that they had quarreled. I remember that when my parents fought, they did not stop until a clear victor had been declared. It was their way of sealing off unpleasantness, to caulk it with a verdict, keep it from leaking into the normalcy of the next day. Not so with the Wahdatis. Their fights didn’t so much end as dissipate, like a drop of ink in a bowl of water, with a residual taint that lingered.
我当然看得一清二楚，每次我载着妮拉和瓦赫达提先生去那老太婆的家，后座上的气氛都很紧张，颇为压抑。通过妮拉眉头那道痛苦的犁沟，我就能看出来，他俩刚刚吵过架。我还记得，我父母拌嘴的时候，非得有一方获得了完全的胜利，他们才会停战。这就是他们结束争执的方式，用一个结论来堵住怨气，不让它继续外泄，免得第二天没法收拾。瓦赫达提夫妇却不是这样。他俩吵到最后，与其说是吵完，倒不如说吵散了，就像一滴墨汁掉进水碗里，总会残留下一些颜色，久久不去。
Mr. Wahdati’s mother was a heavy, rather pompous woman who lived in another part of town, with the obligatory team of servants and her two beloved dogs. These dogs she doted on and treated not as equals to her servants but as superiors, and by several ranks at that. They were small, hairless, hideous creatures, easily startled, full of anxiety, and prone to a most grating high-pitched bark. I despised them, for no sooner would I enter the house than they would hop on my legs and foolishly try to climb them.
瓦赫达提先生的母亲是个难缠的，相当傲慢的女人，住在喀布尔另一个城区，有一群俯首帖耳的仆人，两条深受宠爱的狗。她对这两条狗格外溺爱，不让它们和仆人平起平坐，而是高过仆人们，高出好几个等级。这是一对矮小，无毛，丑陋的怪物，容易受惊，充满焦虑，动不动就发出刺耳至极的尖叫。我鄙视它们，因为我一进那房子，它俩就往我腿上扑，傻了吧唧地想爬上来。
As we carried on with these conversations, Nila and I, one question about her bubbled up again and again in my head. Why had she married Mr. Wahdati? I lacked the courage to ask. Such trespass of propriety was beyond me by nature. I could only infer that for some people, particularly women, marriage — even an unhappy one such as this — is an escape from even greater unhappiness.
当我俩，妮拉和我，继续这些谈话的时候，有一个关于她的问题一而再，再而三地在我脑海中浮起。为什么她要嫁给瓦赫达提先生？我没有勇气去问。就我的本性而言，实在做不出这样一种逾规失礼的举动。我只能揣想，对某些人，特别是对某些女人来说，婚姻——即便是像这样不幸福的婚姻——是一种对更不幸福状态的逃避。
One day, in the fall of 1950, Nila summoned me.
有一天，1950年秋的一天，妮拉把我叫去。
It did not take an act of intellectual acrobatics to surmise that the old woman had not approved of the union and that Nila knew it.
用不着太聪明，也能猜得出来，那老太婆不赞成这门亲事，妮拉也知道这一点。
“I want you to take me to Shadbagh,” she said. She said she wanted to meet my family, see where I came from. She said I had served her meals and chauffeured her around Kabul for a year now and she knew scarcely a thing about me. Her request confounded me, to say the least, as it was unusual for someone of her standing to ask to be taken some distance to meet the family of a servant. I was also, in equal measure, buoyed that Nila had taken such keen interest in me and apprehensive, for I anticipated my discomfort — and, yes, my shame — when I showed her the poverty into which I had been born.
“我想让你带我去趟沙德巴格。”她开口道。她说她想见见我的亲属，看看我的老家。她说我给她做饭，拉着她满喀布尔地转，到现在已经一年，可她对我几乎一无所知。她这个要求把我弄得惊惶失措，退一步说，像她这种身份的人提出来，要大老远地跑去见一个仆人的亲属，也实在很不寻常。我也感到高兴，因为妮拉对我竟有如此强烈的兴趣，可同时我又害怕，因为我提前考虑到了我的不便——还有，是的，我的羞耻——到时候她就会看到我老家的贫穷。
We set off on an overcast morning. She wore high heels and a peach sleeveless dress, but I didn’t deem it my place to advise her otherwise. On the way, she asked questions about the village, the people I knew, my sister and Saboor, their children.
我们在一个阴郁的早晨出发。她穿了高跟鞋和桃红色的无袖长裙，可我明白自己的身份，没有建议她另做选择。一路上，她都在问问题，问村子，我认识的人，我妹妹和萨布尔，他们的孩子。
“Tell me their names.”
“他们叫什么名字？”
“Well,” I said, “there is Abdullah, who is nearly nine. His birth mother died last year, so he is my sister Parwana’s stepson. His sister, Pari, is almost two. Parwana gave birth to a baby boy this past winter — Omar, his name was — but he died when he was two weeks old.”
“嗯，”我说，“有一个叫阿卜杜拉，快九岁了。他亲妈去年死了，所以他是我妹妹帕尔瓦娜的继子。阿卜杜拉有个妹妹，帕丽，还不到两岁。就在刚刚过去的这个冬天，帕尔瓦娜生了个小男孩——奥马尔，这是他们给他起的名字——可他死了，只活了两个礼拜。”
“God,” she muttered.
“真主啊。”她低声道。
“Winter, Bibi Sahib. It descends on these villages and takes a random child or two every year. You can only hope it will bypass your home.”
“冬天，尊贵的太太。冬天作践这些村子，每年都要随随便便弄死一两个孩子。你只能希望它别进你家的门。”
“On a happier note,” I said, “my sister is expecting again.”
“说点高兴的吧，”我说，“我妹妹又怀上了。”
At the village, we were greeted by the usual throng of barefoot children rushing the car, though once Nila emerged from the backseat the children grew quiet and pulled back, perhaps out of fear that she may chide them. But Nila displayed great patience and kindness. She knelt down and smiled, spoke to each of them, shook their hands, stroked their grubby cheeks, tousled their unwashed hair. To my embarrassment, people were gathering for a view of her. There was Baitullah, a childhood friend of mine, looking on from the edge of a roof, squatting with his brothers like a line of crows, all of them chewing naswar tobacco. And there was his father, Mullah Shekib himself, and three white-bearded men sitting in the shade of a wall, listlessly fingering their prayer beads, their ageless eyes fixed on Nila and her bare arms with a look of displeasure.
到了村里，光脚板的孩子们照例蜂拥而上，追着车欢迎我们，可等妮拉一从后座上下来，小孩们马上变得鸦雀无声，直往后退，也许是怕她骂人。可是妮拉表现得非常耐心和友好。她跪下来，微笑着，和每个孩子讲话，握他们的手，摸他们的脏脸蛋，抚弄他们的脏头发。让我尴尬的是，村民们聚拢过来，围观妮拉。其中就有我的发小巴依吐拉，他和他兄弟们一起，蹲在房檐上往这边看，活像一排乌鸦，全都在嘴里嚼着纳斯瓦尔烟末子。他父亲谢基卜毛拉也在，和三个白胡子老头一起，坐在一堵墙下的阴凉里，漠然地捻着手里的念珠，眼珠子却不嫌老，紧盯住妮拉和她裸露的胳膊，一脸的不高兴。
“What happened?”
“出什么事了？”
I introduced Nila to Saboor, and we made our way to his and Parwana’s small mud house trailed by a mob of onlookers. At the door, Nila insisted on taking off her shoes, though Saboor told her it was not necessary. When we entered the room, I saw Parwana sitting in a corner in silence, shriveled up into a stiff ball. She greeted Nila in a voice hardly above a whisper.
我把妮拉介绍给萨布尔，然后一块走向他和帕尔瓦娜的小土房，身后跟着一帮看热闹的。到了门口，尽管萨布尔告诉妮拉不必多礼，可她还是非要把鞋脱掉。大伙一进屋，我就看见帕尔瓦娜默默坐在角落里，紧绷绷地缩成了一个圆球。她向妮拉问了好，声音小得像蚊子一样。
“Oh no, please,” Nila said, taking a seat on the floor beside Parwana.
“噢，别麻烦了。”妮拉说着，一屁股坐到了帕尔瓦娜身边的地上。
Saboor flicked his eyebrows at Abdullah. “Bring some tea, boy.”
萨布尔朝阿卜杜拉扬扬眉毛。“上茶，儿子。”
“It’s not necessary.” But Abdullah had already disappeared into the adjoining room, which I knew served both as kitchen and sleeping quarters for him and Pari. A cloudy plastic sheet nailed to the threshold separated it from the room where we had all gathered. I sat, toying with the car keys, wishing I had had the chance to warn my sister of the visit, give her time to clean up a bit. The cracked mud walls were black with soot, the ripped mattress beneath Nila layered with dust, the lone window in the room flyspecked.
“不必了。”可是阿卜杜拉已经闪身进了隔壁，我知道那屋子既是厨房，又是他和帕丽睡觉的地方。门洞上钉着一块脏乎乎的塑料布，用来隔开我们待的这个房间。我坐下来，手里摆弄着车钥匙，后悔没机会提前和我妹妹说一声，告诉她有人要来串门，好让她有时间收拾收拾。煤烟熏黑了龟裂的土墙，妮拉坐的破床垫也沾了一层灰，屋里仅有的一个窗户上星星点点，全是苍蝇屎。
“It belonged to my father,” Saboor said.
“原来是我父亲的。”萨布尔说。
“Is it a Turkoman rug?”
“是土库曼地毯吗？”
“This is a lovely carpet,” Nila said cheerfully, running her fingers over the rug. It was bright red with elephant-footprint patterns. It was the only object of any value that Saboor and Parwana owned — to be sold, as it turned out, that same winter.
“这地毯多漂亮啊。”妮拉快活地说，用手指摩挲着那张小毯子。它是大红色的，图案是大象的脚印。这是萨布尔和帕尔瓦娜拥有的惟一值钱的物什，可那年冬天一来，它就要被卖掉了。
Saboor nodded his head. He didn’t look her way once even as he spoke to her.
萨布尔点了点头。哪怕和她说话的时候，他也没朝她的方向看过一眼。
“Yes.”
“是。”
“I do love the sheep fleece they use. The craftsmanship is incredible.”
“我特别喜欢他们用的羊毛。做工也好得难以置信。”
The plastic sheeting flapped when Abdullah returned with a tray of teacups and lowered it to the ground before Nila. He poured her a cup and sat cross-legged opposite her. Nila tried speaking to him, lobbing him a few simple questions, but Abdullah only nodded his shaved head, muttered a one- or two-word answer, and stared back at her guardedly. I made a mental note to speak to the boy, gently chide him about his manners. I would do it in a friendly way for I liked the boy, who was serious and competent by nature.
塑料布一掀，阿卜杜拉进来了，端着一只托盘，上面有几个茶杯。他把托盘放到妮拉身前的地上，给她倒了杯茶，便盘起腿，坐到她对面。妮拉和他拉话，问了他几个简单的问题，可阿卜杜拉只是点着他剃光的脑袋，吭哧出一两个字作答，之后便怯生生地看着妮拉。我跟这孩子讲话时留了个心眼，就算骂他失礼也要和颜悦色。我会采用一种友善的方式，因为我喜欢这孩子，他生性认真而且能干。
“How far along are you?” Nila asked Parwana.
“什么时候生？”妮拉问帕尔瓦娜。我妹妹低着头，说预产期在冬天。
“You are blessed,” Nila said. “To be awaiting a baby. And to have such a polite young stepson.” She smiled at Abdullah, who remained expressionless.
“你真幸运。”妮拉说，“马上就有宝宝了。而且还有这么一位懂事的继子。”她朝阿卜杜拉笑了笑，那孩子依旧面无表情。
Parwana muttered something that might have been Thank you.
帕尔瓦娜嘟哝了一句什么，可能说的是“谢谢”。
“Ah. I hear she is lovely.”
“噢。听说她好可爱。”
“And there is a little girl too, if I recall?” Nila said. “Pari?”
“还有个小姑娘吧，如果我没记错的话？”妮拉问，“帕丽？”
Her head down, my sister said the baby was due in the winter.
我妹妹低着头，说预产期在冬天。
“She’s asleep,” Abdullah said tersely.
“她在睡觉。”阿卜杜拉马上说。
Abdullah lingered, looking from his father to Nila, then rose with visible reluctance to bring his sister.
阿卜杜拉磨蹭着，看看父亲，又看了看妮拉，这才满脸不情愿地起身，去抱妹妹。
If I had any wish, even at this late hour, to somehow acquit myself, I would say that the bond between Abdullah and his little sister was an ordinary one. But it was not so. No one but God knows why those two had chosen each other. It was a mystery. I have never seen such affinity between two beings. In truth, Abdullah was as much father to Pari as sibling. When she was an infant, when she cried at night, it was he who sprung from the sleeping cot to walk her. It was he who took it upon himself to change her soiled linens, to bundle her up, to soothe her back to sleep. His patience with her was boundless. He carried her around the village, showing her off as though she were the world’s most coveted trophy.
即使到了现在，如果我有心推卸责任，也会说，阿卜杜拉和他妹妹之间不过是一般的兄妹关系。可这不是真的。除了真主，没人知道他俩为什么选择了彼此。这是个谜。我从未见过两个人之间能有这样的亲和力。实际上，阿卜杜拉更像帕丽的父亲，而不仅仅是兄长。当她还是个婴儿，还在半夜里哭闹的时候，正是阿卜杜拉从睡觉的小床上爬起来，走到她身边。是他承担起了给她换尿布，包好襁褓，哄她睡觉的责任。他对帕丽的耐心是无限的。他抱着她满村转，到处显摆，仿佛她是全天下最让人渴望得到的奖杯。
“Go fetch your sister,” Saboor said.
“去把你妹妹抱来。”萨布尔说。
When he carried a still-groggy Pari into the room, Nila asked to hold her. Abdullah handed her over with a cutting look of suspicion, as though some instinctive alarm inside him had been set off.
等他把迷迷糊糊的帕丽抱进房间，妮拉便要求抱她一下。阿卜杜拉板着脸，不放心地递过妹妹，好像心里已经出于本能，拉响了警报。
“Oh, she is darling,” Nila exclaimed, her awkward bounces betraying her inexperience with small children. Pari gazed with confusion at Nila, looked toward Abdullah, and began to cry. Quickly, he retrieved her from Nila’s hands.
“噢，她真是个小可爱。”妮拉叫出声来，笨手笨脚地晃荡着，暴露出她对怎么带孩子一窍不通。帕丽困惑地看看她，再看看阿卜杜拉，然后开哭。阿卜杜拉一把将她从妮拉手里抱了回来。
“That she is, Bibi Sahib,” I said.
“就是，尊贵的太太。”我说。
“Look at those eyes!” Nila said. “Oh, and these cheeks! Isn’t she darling, Nabi?”
“瞧她的眼睛！”妮拉说，“噢，还有那小脸蛋！多可爱啊，是不是，纳比？”
“And she’s been given the perfect name: Pari. She is indeed as beautiful as a fairy.”
“名字也取得这么好听：帕丽。她可真漂亮，真像小仙女似的。”
I pulled the car over to the side of the road.
我把车停到路边。
Abdullah watched Nila, rocking Pari in his arms, his face growing cloudy.
阿卜杜拉搂着帕丽，摇晃着她，同时看着妮拉，脸色越来越难看。
She didn’t speak for a long time. Her shoulders shook as she sobbed into her hands. Finally, she blew her nose into a handkerchief. “Thank you, Nabi,” she said.
她很长时间都不讲话，只是用两手捂着脸，肩膀抖动着，呜呜咽咽。最后，她拿手帕擤了鼻子。“谢谢你，纳比。”她说。
On the way back to Kabul, Nila slumped in the backseat with her head resting on the glass. For a long while, she didn’t say a word. And then, suddenly, she started to cry.
回喀布尔的路上，妮拉无力地坐在后座上，头倚着车窗，很久都没说一个字。后来，她突然哭了。
“Your sister’s children are beautiful.” She removed her sunglasses and dabbed at her eyes.
“你妹妹的孩子真漂亮。”她摘下太阳镜，轻轻擦着眼睛。
“For taking me there. It was a privilege to meet your family.”
“谢你带我去那儿。见到你家人真是我的福分。”
“The privilege was all theirs. And mine. We were honored.”
“是他们的福分才对。也是我的。我们很荣幸。”
“I don’t think He will. Even He can’t see to this.”
“我想真主不会的。真主看不到这些。”
I considered for a moment what to do, at first opting to remain quiet. But she had wept in my presence, and the intimacy of the moment called for kind words. Softly I said, “You will have your own soon, Bibi Sahib. Inshallah, God will see to it. You wait.”
我一时不知道该说什么，所以最好还是先把嘴巴闭上。可是刚才她当着我的面哭了鼻子，这么不见外，我总该有些言语上的表示才对。我轻声说道：“您也会有的，尊贵的太太。托靠安拉。真主一定会看在眼里。您只需等待。”
To this I could think of nothing to say. I longed to climb into the backseat beside her and pull her into my arms, to soothe her with kisses. Before I knew what I was doing, I had reached behind me and taken her hand into mine. I thought she would withdraw, but her fingers squeezed my hand gratefully, and we sat there in the car, not looking at each other but at the plains around us, yellow and withering from horizon to horizon, furrowed with dried-up irrigation ditches, pocked with shrubs and rocks and stirrings of life here and there. Nila’s hand in mine, I looked at the hills and the power poles. My eyes traced a cargo truck lumbering along in the distance, trailed by a puff of dust, and I would have happily sat there until dark.
这一番话让我无言以对。我真想爬到后座上，揽她入怀，用不停的亲吻来抚慰她。没等我弄明白自己在做什么，我的手已经伸到了后面，抓住了她的一只手。我本以为她会抽回去，可她带着感激，紧紧握住我的手，于是我们便坐在车里，不看对方，只是望着身边的原野，满目的灰黄，无尽的枯萎，只被干涸的灌渠划破，丛生的灌木与散落的岩石之外，偶有星星点点的生命微澜。我手中有妮拉的手，眼中是群山和电线杆，目光跟随着一辆运货的卡车，它在远方缓慢行进，车后尘土漫卷，哪怕就这样坐到天黑，我也是幸福的。
“For what, Bibi Sahib?”
“谢我什么，尊贵的太太？”
“Of course He can, Bibi Sahib. You’re so very young. If He wishes it, it will happen.”
“当然会。真主会看到的，尊贵的太太。您这么年轻。如果真主希望如此，您就一定会有的。”
“You don’t understand,” she said tiredly. I had never seen her look so exhausted, so drained. “It’s gone. They scooped it all out of me in India. I’m hollow inside.”
“你不明白。”她疲倦地说。我从来没见过她这样疲惫不堪，这样无精打采。“已经没了。在印度就被整个拿掉了。我身子里是空的。”
“Take me home,” she said at last, releasing my hand. “I’m going to turn in early tonight.”
“带我回家。”她最后说，松开了我的手，“今晚我得早点休息。”
She went into her bedroom and didn’t leave it for days. This was not the first time. On occasion, she would pull up a chair to the window of her upstairs bedroom and plant herself there, smoking cigarettes, shaking one foot, staring out the window with a blank expression. She would not speak. She would not change out of her sleeping gown. She would not bathe or brush her teeth or hair. This time, she would not eat either, and this particular development caused Mr. Wahdati uncharacteristic alarm.
她进了卧室，好几天闭门不出。这种情况并非第一次出现。以往，她偶尔会拉过一把椅子，放到楼上卧室的窗边，坐在那儿，吸着香烟，一只脚摇晃着，面无表情地望着窗外。她不讲话。她不换下睡袍。她不洗澡，不刷牙，也不梳头。可这一次，她连饭也不吃了。异常的态势引起了瓦赫达提先生异常的警觉。
“Yes, Bibi Sahib.” I cleared my throat and dropped the shift into first gear with a slightly unsteady hand.
“是，尊贵的太太。”我清了清嗓子，伸出微麻的手，挂上了一挡。
On the fourth day, there was a knock at the front gates. I opened them to a tall, elderly man in a crisply pressed suit and shiny loafers. There was something imposing and rather forbidding about him in the way he did not so much stand as loom, the way he looked right through me, the way he held his polished cane with both hands like it was a scepter. He had not said a word as yet, but I already sensed he was a man accustomed to being obeyed.
第四天，有人敲响了大门。我去开门，是位个子很高的老人，穿着精熨细烫的西装，闪闪发亮的乐福鞋。他看上去仪表堂堂，甚至令人生畏，因为他站在那儿，犹如泰山压顶，目光犀利，好像一眼就能把我看穿。他双手握着锃亮的拐棍，仿佛那是一支权杖。他一个字还没说，我就已经感到，此人必已习惯了发号施令。
“I understand my daughter is not well,” he said.
“听说我女儿过得不痛快。”他说。
So he was the father. I had never met him before. “Yes, Sahib. I’m afraid that is true,” I said.
这位一准就是老太爷了，我以前从来没见过他。“是的，老爷。我想您说得很对。”我说。
“Then move aside, young man.” He pushed past me.
“那就靠边站，年轻人。”他从我身边扬长而过。
That night, she ate.
那天晚上，她吃了饭。
In the garden, I busied myself, chopping a block of wood for the stove. From where I worked, I had a good clear view of Nila’s bedroom window. Framed in it was the father, bent at the waist, leaning into Nila, one hand pressing on her shoulder. On Nila’s face was the expression people have when they have been startled by an abrupt loud noise, like a firecracker, or a door slammed by a sudden draft of wind.
我在花园里忙碌，把一大块木头劈成柴火。从干活的地方，我能清楚地看到妮拉卧室的窗口。只见老爷子就在屋里，朝妮拉弯着腰，一只手放在她肩膀上。妮拉的脸上，是人们那种被突如其来的巨响吓了一跳的表情，好像爆竹炸了，又好像是一阵妖风重重地摔了一下门。
A few days later, Nila summoned me into the house and said she was going to throw a party. We rarely, if ever, had parties at the house back when Mr. Wahdati was single. After Nila moved in, she arranged them two or three times a month. The day prior to the party, Nila would give me detailed instructions on what appetizers and meals I was to prepare, and I would drive to the market to purchase the necessary items. Chief among these necessary items was alcohol, which I had never procured before, as Mr. Wahdati did not drink — though his reasons had nothing to do with religion, he merely disliked its effects. Nila, however, was well acquainted with certain establishments — pharmacies, as she called them jokingly — where for the equivalent of double my monthly salary a bottle of medicine could be purchased subversively. I had mixed feelings about running this particular errand, playing the part of sin enabler, but, as always, pleasing Nila superseded everything else.
几天之后，妮拉把我叫进房里，说她要开个派对。瓦赫达提先生结婚之前，家里即使举办过派对，也是少之又少。妮拉搬进来之后，每个月都要办两三次。派对前一天，妮拉会给我具体指示，要我准备开胃品和饭食，我便开车去市场，一一采办。酒必不可少，而且是重中之重，我以前从未买过，瓦赫达提先生自己也不喝，其原因与宗教无关，只是他厌恶酒精的作用而已。妮拉却对某些店家非常了解，把它们戏称为“药房”，到那儿偷偷摸摸买一瓶“药”的花销，可以赶得上我两个月的工钱。为这种事跑腿带给我一种很复杂的感受，虽然是在参与犯罪活动，但是，取悦妮拉的需要总是压倒了一切。
You must understand, Mr. Markos, that when we had parties in Shadbagh, be it for a wedding or to celebrate a circumcision, the proceedings took place at two separate houses, one for women, the other for us men. At Nila’s parties, men and women mingled with one another. Most of the women dressed as Nila did, in dresses that showed the entire lengths of their arms and a good deal of their legs as well. They smoked, and they drank too, their glasses half filled with colorless or red- or copper-colored liquor, and they told jokes and laughed and freely touched the arms of men I knew to be married to someone else in the room. I carried small platters of bolani and lola kabob from one end of the smoke-filled room to the other, from one cluster of guests to another, as a record played on the turntable. The music was not Afghan but something Nila called jazz, a kind of music that, I learned decades later, you appreciate as well, Mr. Markos. To my ears, the random tinkling of piano and the strange wailing of horns sounded an inharmonious mess. But Nila loved it, and I kept overhearing her telling guests how they simply had to hear this recording or that. All night, she held a glass and tended to it far more than the food I served.
马科斯先生，您一定知道，在沙德巴格我们也开派对，庆祝结婚或是举行割礼，活动要分成两个房子进行，一处给女人们，另一处给我们男人。可在妮拉的派对上，男人和女人是混在一块的。大多数女人都像妮拉那样穿衣打扮，胳膊整条整条地露在外面，腿也露得很多。她们吸烟。她们还喝酒，杯子半满着，有的无色，有的是红色，或者暗红，装的都是烈酒。她们说笑话，哈哈大笑，还随随便便摸男人的胳膊，可我知道，那些被摸的男人正等着娶这屋子里别的女人呢。我端着小盘的波拉尼烙饼和卢拉烤肉串，在烟雾缭绕的一个个房间，一堆堆客人间穿行。此时电唱机里播放着唱片，不是阿富汗音乐，而是妮拉所说的什么“爵士”。过了几十年我才知道，马科斯先生，您也很欣赏这种音乐。在我听来，钢琴叮叮当当地乱弹，喇叭怪腔怪调地号丧，实在是又乱又不和谐。可是妮拉喜欢这个，我老听到她跟客人们说，这张唱片一定要听，那张唱片不听不行。整个晚上，她都杯不离手，举杯的次数之多，远远超过品尝我上的饭菜。
But Nila’s poems defied tradition. They followed no preset meter or rhyming pattern. Nor did they deal with the usual things, trees and spring flowers and bulbul birds. Nila wrote about love, and by love I do not mean the Sufi yearnings of Rumi or Hafez but instead physical love. She wrote about lovers whispering across pillows, touching each other. She wrote about pleasure. I had never heard language such as this spoken by a woman. I would stand there, listening to Nila’s smoky voice drift down the hallway, my eyes closed and my ears burning red, imagining she was reading to me, that we were the lovers in the poem, until someone’s call for tea or fried eggs would break the spell, and then Nila would call my name and I would run.
可是，妮拉的诗违背了传统。它们不遵从格律，表现的也不是常见的事物，比如树啊，春天的花啊，夜莺一类的鸟啊。妮拉写的是爱情，而且这种爱情，也不是鲁米或哈菲兹笔下那种苏菲式的思慕，而是肉体上的爱。她写情人们在枕边私语，互相抚摸。她写肉体上的享乐。我从来没从女人嘴里听到过这样的语言。我站在那儿，听着妮拉略带沙哑的声音飘过走廊。我的眼睛合上了，耳朵烧得通红，想像着她在读给我听，我俩才是诗中的情侣，直到有人要添茶，要吃煎蛋，才会打破这种迷醉的状态，然后妮拉叫我的名字，我便赶快跑开。
Mr. Wahdati made limited effort to engage his guests. He made a token show of mingling, but mostly he occupied a corner, with a remote expression on his face, swirling a glass of soda, smiling a courteous, closemouthed smile when someone talked to him. And, as was his habit, he excused himself when the guests began asking Nila to recite her poetry.
瓦赫达提先生对客人热情有限，只是做个样子，应酬一下。大部分时间，他都待在角落里，脸上带着一种冷淡的表情，转动着手里的一杯苏打水，有人和他说话，他也只是客客气气地笑一笑，依旧闭口不言。等到客人们开始要求妮拉朗诵诗作的时候，他便像往常一样提前告退了。
This was my favorite part, by far, of the evening. When she started, I always found some task that would keep me nearby. There I would be, frozen in place, towel in hand, straining to hear. Nila’s poems did not resemble any I had grown up with. As you well know, we Afghans love our poetry; even the most uneducated among us can recite verses of Hafez or Khayyám or Saadi. Do you recall, Mr. Markos, telling me last year how much you loved Afghans? And I asked you why, and you laughed and said, Because even your graffiti artists spray Rumi on the walls.
直到那天晚上之前，这都是我最喜欢的节目。她开始朗诵的时候，我总能找到不必走远的工作，站在那儿一动不动，侧耳倾听。妮拉的诗和我从小所知的大为不同。正如您所了解的那样，我们阿富汗人热爱诗歌，就算最没文化的人，也背得出哈菲兹、海亚姆或萨迪的诗篇。您还记得吗，马科斯先生？去年您跟我说过，您有多么热爱阿富汗人。我问您为什么，您大笑着回答：因为就连你们的涂鸦艺术家，也把鲁米往墙上喷。
That night, the poem she chose to read caught me off guard. It was about a man and his wife, in a village, mourning the death of the infant they had lost to the winter cold. The guests seemed to love the poem, judging by the nods and the murmurs of approval around the room, and by their hearty applause when Nila looked up from the page. Still, I felt some surprise, and disappointment, that my sister’s misfortune had been used to entertain guests, and I could not shake the sense that some vague betrayal had been committed.
那天晚上，她特意朗读的诗让我猝不及防。它写的是村子里一个男人和他妻子，正在哀悼他们死于寒冬的婴儿。客人们好像非常喜欢这首诗，不停地点头称道，屋里到处都能听见赞赏的低语，当妮拉从纸上抬起头的时候，他们热情地鼓掌欢呼。我的感觉却是惊愕与失望，因为我妹妹的不幸竟然成了来宾的娱乐。有种感觉在我心里挥之不去：我遭到了难以说清，却已伤人的背叛。
A couple of days after the party, Nila said she needed a new purse. Mr. Wahdati was reading the newspaper at the table, where I had served him a lunch of lentil soup and naan.
派对之后过了两天，妮拉说她要去买一个新的手提包。瓦赫达提先生正在餐桌边读报纸，桌上是我给他做好的午餐，扁豆汤和馕。
“Do you need anything, Suleiman?” Nila asked.
“你需要什么吗，苏莱曼？”妮拉问。
“No, aziz. Thank you,” he said. I rarely heard him address her by anything other than aziz, which means “beloved,” “darling,” and yet never did the couple seem more distant from each other than when he said it, and never did this term of endearment sound so starched as when it came from Mr. Wahdati’s lips.
“不，阿齐兹，谢谢你。”他说。我很少听到他用“阿齐兹”以外的字眼称呼她，这个词的意思是“心爱的”、“亲爱的”，可是每次他这样叫她的时候，这两口子之间的距离都变得更加遥远，每回它从瓦赫达提先生的嘴里迸出来，原本用来表达爱意的这三个字，听起来都是那样生硬。
Her eyes locked onto mine in the mirror and lingered there awhile, waiting, and I understood that I had been made privy to a secret. She was putting my allegiance to the test. She was asking me to choose.
她的目光在镜子里死盯住我的眼睛，停留了片刻，等待着。我明白了，我已经被拉进了一个秘密。她在考验我的忠诚。她在要我做出选择。
On the way to the store, Nila said she wanted to pick up a friend and gave me directions to the home. I parked on the street and watched her walk up the block to a two-story house with bright pink walls. At first, I left the engine running, but when five minutes passed and Nila hadn’t returned I shut it off. It was a good thing I did for it was not until two hours later that I saw her slim figure gliding down the sidewalk toward the car. I opened the rear passenger door and, as she slid in, I smelled on her, underneath her own familiar perfume, a second scent, something faintly like cedarwood and perhaps a trace of ginger, an aroma I recognized from having breathed it at the party two nights before.
去商店的路上，妮拉说她要去接个朋友，然后告诉我去朋友家怎么走。我把车停在马路边上，看着她走进街区，走向一幢亮粉色外墙的两层楼房。一开始，我没熄火，可是五分钟过去了，妮拉还没回来，我便关掉了引擎。我这么做就对了，因为直到两个钟头以后，我才看见她苗条的身影，悄悄地沿着人行道走回汽车。我拉开后门，她钻进车里的时候，我闻到她身上有另一种味道，潜藏在我熟悉的、她自己的香水下面，有点像雪松，好像还有一丝生姜味儿，我记得这味道，两天前的那个晚上，我在派对上闻到过。
“I didn’t find one I liked,” Nila said from the backseat as she applied a fresh coat of lipstick. She caught my puzzled face in the rearview mirror. She lowered the lipstick and gazed at me from under her lashes. “You took me to two different stores but I couldn’t find a purse to my liking.”
“我没找到中意的。”妮拉坐在后座上，一边重新涂着口红，一边说。透过后视镜，她看到了我脸上的不解，便放下口红，从睫毛下盯着我。“你拉我去了两家商店，可我没找到自己喜欢的包。”
“I think maybe you visited three stores,” I said weakly.
“我认为您应该去了三家商店。”我有气无力地说道。
I blinked.
我眯起了眼睛。
She grinned. “Parfois je pense que tu es mon seul ami, Nabi.”
她撇撇嘴，笑了笑。“Parfois je pense que tu es mon seul ami，纳比。”
“It means ‘Sometimes I think you are my only friend.'”
“意思是：‘有时候我觉得你是我惟一的朋友。’”
She smiled radiantly at me, but it could not lift my sagging spirits.
她朝我灿烂地一笑，可这样也没法提振我下坠的心。
But in the morning I rose and there it was, filling my living quarters once more, from floor to ceiling, seeping into the walls, saturating the air I breathed, like vapor. It was no use, Mr. Markos.
可是第二天一早，我醒来的时候，它又出现了，再一次填满了我的住处，从地板到顶棚，渗入四壁，浸润着我的呼吸，如同潮气。不管用啊，马科斯先生。
I cannot tell you when, precisely, the idea took hold.
我没办法告诉您，具体是在什么时间，这个想法成了形。
Perhaps it was the windy autumn morning I was serving tea to Nila, when I had stooped and was cutting for her a slice of roat cake, that from the radio sitting on her windowsill came a report that the coming winter of 1952 might prove even more brutal than the previous one. Perhaps it was earlier, the day I took her to the house with the bright pink walls, or perhaps earlier still, the time I held her hand in the car as she sobbed.
也许是那个秋天的早晨，起了风，我在伺候妮拉喝茶，弯腰为她切下一片粗麦蛋糕，此时，放在窗台上的收音机里说，1952年的冬天可能比前一年更为寒冷。也许是在此之前的那一天，我拉她去有亮粉色外墙的那幢房子，或者还要往前，那一次在车里，她哭，我拉着她的手。
The rest of that day, I set about my chores at half my normal speed and with a fraction of my customary enthusiasm. When the men came over for tea that night, one of them sang for us, but his song failed to cheer me. I felt as though I had been the one cuckolded. And I was sure that the hold she had on me had loosened at last.
那天余下的时间，我做家务的时候，速度只有正常的一半，平时的热情也只剩下了一点。当晚，男人们又过来喝茶，有一位还给大伙唱了歌，可是歌声也没能让我的心情好转。我感觉戴绿帽子的人是我。我也相信，我终于脱离了她的控制。
Let me say, Mr. Markos, that I proceeded with a mostly clean conscience, and with the conviction that my proposal was born of goodwill and honest intentions. Something that, though painful in the short term, would lead to a greater long-term good for all involved. But I had less honorable, self-serving motives as well. Chief among them this: that I would give Nila something no other man — not her husband, not the owner of that big pink house — could.
马科斯先生，我想告诉您，我那时绝对问心无愧，并且深信自己的提议是出于好心和真诚的目的。这样做虽然会有一时的痛苦，但是从长远来看，对大家都有好处。可我也有些不太光彩的，自私自利的动机。最主要的就是：我想给妮拉一件东西，一件其他男人，不管是她丈夫，还是粉色大宅的主人都给不了的东西。
Whatever the timing, once the idea entered my head there was no purging it.
不管是哪一天，一旦我有了这个想法，就怎么也抹不掉了。
I spoke to Saboor first. In my defense, I will say that if I had thought Saboor would accept money from me, I gladly would have given it to him in lieu of this proposal. I knew he needed the money for he had told me of his struggles finding work. I would have borrowed an advance against my salary from Mr. Wahdati for Saboor to see his family through the winter. But Saboor, like many of my countrymen, had the affliction of pride, an affliction both misbegotten and unshakable. He would never take money from me. When he married Parwana, he even put an end to the small remittances I had been giving her. He was a man and he would provide for his own family. And he died doing just that, when he was not yet forty, collapsing one day while he was out harvesting a field of sugar beets somewhere near Baghlan. I heard he died with the beet hook still in his blistered, bleeding hands.
我先跟萨布尔讲了。要是为自己辩解的话，我一定会说，如果我认为萨布尔能接受我的钱，那么我会很乐意把钱给他，而不是提出这个建议。我知道他需要钱，因为他跟我说过，他正在拼命找工作。我也可以从瓦赫达提先生那儿预支些工钱，借给萨布尔，帮他一家子挺过这个冬天。可是萨布尔像我的许多同胞一样，总是受到自尊心的折磨。这种折磨既幼稚可笑，又难以动摇。他永远都不会要我的钱。我本来一直给帕尔瓦娜汇款，可她一过门，萨布尔就不肯再接受这笔小钱了。他是男人，他要自己养家。后来他死就死在了这上面，还不到四十岁，他有一天出门，到巴格兰附近一个地方，下地收甜菜，一下子就垮了。我听说，他死的时候还拿着割甜菜的镰刀，满手的水泡，流着血。
I was not a father and thus will make no pretense at understanding the anguished deliberations that led to Saboor’s decision. Nor was I privy to the discussions between the Wahdatis. Once I revealed the idea to Nila, I only asked that in her discussions with Mr. Wahdati she put forth the idea as her own and not mine. I knew that Mr. Wahdati would resist. I had never glimpsed in him a sliver of paternal instinct. In fact, I had wondered if Nila’s inability to bear children may have swayed his decision to marry her. Regardless, I steered clear of the tense atmosphere between the two. When I lay down to sleep at night, I saw only the sudden tears that had leaked from Nila’s eyes when I told her and how she had taken both my hands and gazed into me with gratitude and — I was sure of it — something quite like love. I thought only of the fact that I was offering her a gift that men with far greater prospects could not. I thought only of how thoroughly I had given myself over to her, and how happily. And I thought, hoped — foolishly, of course — that she may begin to see me as something more than the loyal servant.
我没做过父亲，因此没办法假装自己懂得萨布尔做出那个决定时，经历了怎样痛苦的思索。瓦赫达提两口子是怎么商量的，我也不知情。我把这主意告诉妮拉的时候，只是要求她和瓦赫达提先生商量时，别说这是我的主意，而是她自己的想法。我知道瓦赫达提先生会反对。我从来没在他身上瞧见一丝做父亲的本能。说实在的，我曾经怀疑过，也许正是因为妮拉生不了孩子，才让他下决心娶她。不管怎样，我远远躲开了这两口子之间的紧张气氛。每当入夜，我躺下睡觉的时候，那一幕总是浮现在眼前：我告诉了妮拉，她抓起我两手，泪水夺眶而出。她凝视着我，带着感激，还有——我敢肯定——某种像爱一样的东西。我只想到这是由于我给她的礼物，那些远比我更有前途的男人都给不了她。我只想到，我把自己的一切都给了她，给得那么彻底，那么快乐。我还想，还希望——这当然很愚蠢——从此以后，她不只把我看成仆人。
When Mr. Wahdati eventually buckled — which didn’t surprise me, Nila was a woman of formidable will — I informed Saboor and offered to drive him and Pari to Kabul. I will never fully understand why he chose to instead walk his daughter from Shadbagh. Or why he allowed Abdullah to come along. Perhaps he was clinging to what little time he had left with his daughter. Perhaps he sought a measure of penance in the hardship of the journey. Or perhaps it was Saboor’s pride, and he would not ride in the car of the man who was buying his daughter. But, in the end, there they were, the three of them, coated in dust, waiting, as agreed, near the mosque. As I drove them to the Wahdati home, I did my best to seem cheerful for the children’s benefit, the children who were oblivious to their fate — and to the terrible scene that would soon unfold.
瓦赫达提先生终于松了口，我对此并不吃惊，妮拉是个不达目的不罢休的女人。我随即通知了萨布尔，并且提出开车去沙德巴格接他和帕丽。可我到现在也没完全理解，他为什么宁愿步行，送女儿到喀布尔来，又为什么允许阿卜杜拉同行。也许他想和女儿多待哪怕一点点时间，也许他想通过旅途中的艰辛来赎罪，也许这只是出于萨布尔的自尊，不想和买走他女儿的人同车。不过最后，他们还是到了，他们仨，满身风尘，按照事先的约定，等在清真寺前。我拉上他们，去瓦赫达提家的时候，尽力作出一副高高兴兴的样子，这是替孩子们着想。对自己的命运，对很快就要拉开的可怕一幕，孩子们还浑然不觉。
There is little point in recounting it in detail, Mr. Markos, the scene that did unfold precisely as I had feared. But all these years later, I still feel my heart clench when the memory of it forces its way to the fore. How could it not? I took those two helpless children, in whom love of the simplest and purest kind had found expression, and I tore one from the other. I will never forget the sudden emotional mayhem. Pari slung over my shoulder, panic-stricken, kicking her legs, shrieking, Abollah! Abollah! as I whisked her away. Abdullah, screaming his sister’s name, trying to fight past his father. Nila, wide-eyed, her mouth covered with both hands, perhaps to silence her own scream. It weighs on me. All this time has passed, Mr. Markos, and it still weighs on me.
这一幕我一直怕它出现，它偏偏还是出现了。马科斯先生，我不想巨细靡遗地回忆这一幕，可是这么多年过去了，每当记忆重现，我仍然觉得格外揪心。怎么能忘掉呢？那两个无助的孩子是我带去的，爱在他们身上表现得最单纯，最无瑕，可我硬生生地把他们分开了。我永远也忘不了那突如其来的感情重创。我抱着帕丽跑开的时候，她趴在我肩膀上，惊慌失措，小脚乱踢，尖声叫着：阿波拉！阿波拉！阿卜杜拉也大叫妹妹的名字，拼命想挣脱父亲的阻拦。妮拉的眼睛瞪得大大的，两只手捂住嘴，可能是怕自己也叫出声来。这一幕至今让我无法释怀。这么多年过去了，马科斯先生，我仍然无法释怀。
Mr. Wahdati’s chilly reception of Pari lasted only a brief time before, perhaps to his own surprise, little Pari’s tearful anxiety and homesickness disarmed him. Soon, Pari joined us on our morning strolls. Mr. Wahdati lowered her into a stroller and pushed her around the neighborhood as we walked. Or else he sat her up on his lap behind the wheel of the car and smiled patiently while she pushed the horn. He hired a carpenter and had him build a three-drawer trundle bed for Pari, a maple chest for toys, and a small, short armoire. He had all the furniture in Pari’s room painted yellow since he had discovered this was her favorite color. And I found him one day sitting cross-legged before the armoire, Pari at his side, as he painted, with rather remarkable skill, giraffes and long-tailed monkeys over its doors. It should speak volumes about his private nature, Mr. Markos, when I tell you that in all the years I had watched him sketch, this was the first time I had actually laid eyes on his artwork.
瓦赫达提先生对帕丽的冷淡反应只持续了很短的时间，然后，可能也出乎他本人意料，眼泪汪汪、忧心忡忡、思乡切切的小帕丽便融化了他的心。很快，帕丽便加入了我们早晨的散步活动。瓦赫达提先生把她放进童车，我们散步的时候，他便推着她，在附近到处转悠，要不然就坐到汽车方向盘后面，把她放到自己腿上，让她按喇叭，而他笑眯眯的，不急也不躁。他雇了个木匠，让他给帕丽打了一张有三个抽屉，带脚轮的床，一个装玩具的大枫木箱，还有一个小小的，矮矮的衣橱。他把这些家具都放进帕丽的房间，那屋里刷成了黄色，因为他发现这是她最喜欢的颜色。有一天，我瞅见他盘着腿坐在衣橱前，帕丽待在他旁边，看他用出色的技艺，往橱门上画长颈鹿和长尾巴猴子。这应该算是他深藏不露的内心得到了释放，马科斯先生，我跟您说，那么多年了，我老是看他画呀画呀，可这还是头一回，我亲眼见到他的作品。
Pari was nearly four years old at the time, but, despite her young age, there were forces in her life that needed to be reshaped. She was instructed not to call me Kaka Nabi any longer, for instance, but simply Nabi. And her mistakes were gently corrected, by me included, over and over until she came to believe that we bore no relation to each other. I became for her Nabi the cook and Nabi the driver. Nila became “Maman,” and Mr. Wahdati “Papa.” Nila set about teaching her French, which had been her own mother’s tongue.
帕丽当时还不到四岁，虽然年纪不大，却仍然需要重塑外力对她的影响。比如，人们告诉她，不要再叫我纳比卡卡了，就叫纳比。[4]要是她叫错了，便会有人，包括我在内，和颜悦色地加以纠正，一而再，再而三，直到她相信我俩之间再无亲属关系。我成了她的厨子纳比，司机纳比。妮拉成了“妈芒”，瓦赫达提先生成了“爸爸”。[5]妮拉开始教她法语，她自己的母亲就是说法语的。【注：[4]阿富汗人对长辈可使用尊称，如巴巴（父亲），卡卡（叔叔），马马（舅舅）。帕丽叫纳比为卡卡，而非马马，大概是因为纳比不是她的亲舅舅。[5]原文为法语。】
The other consequence of Pari’s arrival was one I had not anticipated: I receded into the background. Judge me charitably, Mr. Markos, and remember that I was a young man, but I admit I had hopes, foolish as they might have been. I was the instrument of Nila’s becoming a mother, after all. I had uncovered the source of her unhappiness and delivered an antidote. Did I think we would become lovers now? I want to say I was not so foolish as that, Mr. Markos, but that wouldn’t be entirely truthful. I suspect the truth is that we are waiting, all of us, against insurmountable odds, for something extraordinary to happen to us.
我没有料到，帕丽的到来也造成了另一种结果：我退到了后台。马科斯先生，请别对我过于苛求，别忘了那时我还是个年轻人，但是我承认，我也有过希望，有过和许多年轻人一样的蠢行。我终究只是妮拉做母亲的工具。我发现了她不快乐的病根，给了她一剂解药。那么我有没有想过我们会成为情人呢？我想说的是，马科斯先生，我还没蠢到那个地步，但这倒也不完全是异想天开。我想，实际上我们都在等待，我们俩，面对种种无法逾越的障碍，等待着某个奇迹的降临。
One of the effects of Pari’s entrance was that for the first time the Wahdati household resembled a proper family. Bound now by their affection for Pari, Nila and her husband took all their meals together. They walked Pari to a nearby park and sat contentedly beside each other on a bench to watch her play. When I served them tea at night after I had cleared the table, I often found one or the other reading a children’s book to Pari as she reclined on their laps, she, with each passing day, more forgetful of her past life in Shadbagh and of the people in it.
帕丽的出现还有一个作用：她让瓦赫达提全家上下，第一次有了正常家庭的感觉。对帕丽的感情将妮拉和丈夫拴在了一起，现在他们顿顿在一起吃饭了。他们带着帕丽一起散步，去附近的公园，相挨着，心满意足地坐在长椅上，看着她玩。到了晚上，我收拾完餐桌，给他们上茶的时候，经常发现不是他，就是她，正在给帕丽读童话书，让孩子斜倚在他俩腿上。每过去一天，帕丽就多忘记一点，忘记她过去在沙德巴格的生活，还有那里的人们。
As part of the agreement with the Wahdatis, Pari’s family was not allowed to visit. They were not allowed any contact at all with her. I drove to Shadbagh one day soon after Pari moved in with the Wahdatis. I went there bearing a small present each for Abdullah and for my sister’s little boy, Iqbal, who was a toddler by then.
瓦赫达提夫妇和帕丽一家有言在先，不准他们登门，也不允许和她有任何联系。帕丽搬来与瓦赫达提夫妇共同生活之后不久，我有一天开车去了沙德巴格。去的时候，我带了些小礼物，给阿卜杜拉和我妹妹的小儿子伊克巴尔，那时他已经开始学着走路了。
Saboor said pointedly, “You’ve given your gifts. Now it’s time to go.”
萨布尔直截了当地说：“礼物你已经送了，现在你该走了。”
What I did not foresee was that I would fade away. Pari consumed Nila’s time now. Lessons, games, naps, walks, more games. Our daily chats went by the wayside. If the two of them were playing with building blocks or working on a puzzle, Nila would hardly notice that I had brought her coffee, that I was still in the room standing back on my heels. When we did speak, she seemed distracted, always eager to cut the conversation short. In the car, her expression was distant. For this, though it shames me, I will admit to feeling a shade of resentment toward my niece.
我没有预见到自己会逐渐隐身。此时，妮拉的时间都用在帕丽身上了。上课，游戏，小睡，散步，继续做游戏。我们每天的聊天被撇到了一边。要是她俩正在搭积木，或是玩拼图，那么妮拉几乎注意不到我给她端去了咖啡，也不知道我蹑手蹑脚地退出了房间。我们讲话的时候，她好像心有旁属，总想长话短说，早早收场。在车里，她的表情也是一副心不在焉的样子。因此，尽管很不光彩，可我还是要承认，我对外甥女产生了一丝怨恨。
I told him I didn’t understand the reason for his cold reception, his gruff manner with me.
我对他说，我不明白他为什么对我如此冷淡，如此粗鲁。
He was right, I did understand. A chill had grown between us. My visit had been awkward, tense, even contentious. It felt unnatural to sit together now, to sip tea and chat about the weather or that year’s grape harvest. We were feigning a normalcy, Saboor and I, that no longer was. Whatever the reason, I was, in the end, the instrument of his family’s rupture. Saboor did not want to set eyes on me again and I understood. I stopped my monthly visits. I never saw any of them again.
他说得对，我确实明白。我们之间已经有了隔阂。我的登门拜访已经变得尴尬，紧张，甚至会导致一触即发的争吵。此时坐下来一块喝个茶，聊聊天气或这一年葡萄的收成，已经十分别扭。我们假装一切如常，萨布尔和我，可是一切都不一样了。不管有什么理由，说到底，都是我害得他家庭破碎。萨布尔不想再看见我，我也明白。我停止了每月一次的探望。我再也没有见过他们。
“You do understand,” he said. “And don’t feel like you have to come out and see us anymore.”
“你当然明白。”他说，“以后也别再强迫自己过来看我们了。”
It was one day early in the spring of 1955, Mr. Markos, that the lives of all of us in the household changed forever. I remember it was raining. Not the galling kind that draws frogs out to croak, but an indecisive drizzle that had come and gone all morning. I remember because the gardener, Zahid, was there, being his habitual lazy self, leaning on a rake and saying how he might call it a day on account of the nasty weather. I was about to retreat to my shack, if only to get away from his drivel, when I heard Nila screaming my name from inside the main house.
那是1955年初春的一天，马科斯先生，在这房子里，我们所有人的生活都永远地改变了。我记得那天下着雨。不是那种烦人的、逗得青蛙乱叫的雨，而是一种磨磨叽叽的毛毛雨，整个上午下了又停，停了又下。我之所以记得住，是因为园丁扎希德在那儿，一副懒洋洋的老样子，倚着耙子嚷嚷：就冲这破天气，天怎么还配叫天。我正要回自己的窝棚，不想听他胡说八道，就在这个时候，我听到大房里传出妮拉的尖叫，她在叫我的名字。
I rushed across the yard to the house. Her voice was coming from upstairs, from the direction of the master bedroom.
我冲过后园，跑向大屋。她的声音出自楼上，出自主卧室的方向。
“Nabi! Do something!”
“纳比！快想想办法！”
I found Nila in a corner, back to the wall, palm clasped over her mouth. “Something’s wrong with him,” she said, not removing her hand.
我看见妮拉躲在角落里，背靠着墙，一只手捂在嘴上。“他出事了。”她说，手却没有从嘴上拿开。
I picked her up quickly and took her to Nila. I told Nila to take the child to another room because she must not see her father in this condition. Nila blinked, as if breaking a trance, looked from me to Pari before she reached for her. She kept asking me what was wrong with her husband. She kept saying that I must do something.
我一把抱起她，把她递给妮拉。我告诉妮拉带上孩子去别的房间，因为我知道，说什么也别让孩子看见她父亲这种样子。妮拉眨了眨眼，好像才回过神来，看看我，再看看帕丽，这才伸手接过她。她不停地问我，她丈夫出什么事了。她不停地让我快想办法。
Pari, who was six by then, had come into the room, and now she scampered over to Mr. Wahdati’s bedside and pulled on his undershirt. “Papa? Papa?” He looked down at her, wide-eyed, his mouth opening and closing. She screamed.
帕丽当时六岁了，现在也进了房间。她扑到瓦赫达提先生身边，扯住他的汗衫。“爸爸？爸爸？”他低头看她，眼睛瞪得大大的，嘴巴一张一合。帕丽尖叫起来。
Mr. Wahdati was sitting up in bed, dressed in a white undershirt. He was making strange guttural sounds. His face was pale and drawn, his hair disheveled. He was repeatedly trying, and failing, to perform some task with his right arm, and I noticed with horror that a line of spittle was streaking down from the corner of his mouth.
瓦赫达提先生穿着白汗衫，坐在床上，喉咙里发出奇怪的声音，脸上没了血色，歪扭着，头发乱蓬蓬的。他不停地想抬起右臂，却怎么也抬不起来。我还惊恐地看到，一条哈喇子正顺着他的嘴角往下流。
I summoned Zahid from the window and for once the good-for-nothing fool proved of some use. He helped me put a pair of pajama pants on Mr. Wahdati. We lifted him off the bed, carried him down the stairs, and lowered him into the backseat of the car. Nila climbed in next to him. I told Zahid to stay at the house and look after Pari. He started to protest, and I struck him, open-palmed, across the temple as hard as I could. I told him he was a donkey and that he must do as he was told.
我从窗口把扎希德叫上来，至少这一回，这个一无是处的蠢货证明了自己还有点儿用处。他帮我给瓦赫达提先生套上睡裤。我们把他从床上抱起来，抬下楼，塞进汽车的后座。妮拉也爬进来，坐到他旁边。我吩咐扎希德留在家里，照看帕丽。他刚说了半个不字，我就揍他，铆足了劲儿，一巴掌抽在他太阳穴上。我对他说，他就是头驴，我吩咐他干啥，他就得干啥。
And, with that, I backed out of the driveway and peeled out.
说完，我便把车倒出车道，猛给了一脚油，开跑了。
It was two full weeks before we brought Mr. Wahdati home. Chaos ensued. Family descended upon the house in hordes. I was brewing tea and cooking food almost around the clock to feed this uncle, that cousin, an elderly aunt. All day the front gates’ bell rang and heels clicked on the marble floor of the living room and murmurs rippled in the hallway as people spilled into the house. Most of them I had rarely seen at the house, and I understood that they were clocking in an appearance more to pay respect to Mr. Wahdati’s matronly mother than to see the reclusive sick man with whom they had but a tenuous connection. She came too, of course, the mother — minus the dogs, thank goodness. She burst into the house bearing a handkerchief in each hand to blot at her reddened eyes and dripping nose. She planted herself at his bedside and wept. Also, she wore black, which appalled me, as though her son were already dead.
整整过了两个礼拜，我们才把瓦赫达提先生接回家。混乱接踵而至。亲戚们成群结队地登门造访。我几乎一刻不停地沏茶，做饭，伺候这个大爷，那个大姨，上了年纪的姑奶奶。从早到晚，大门的门铃响个不停，人们涌进家里，在客厅的大理石地板上咔咔地踩来踩去，在走廊里嗡嗡地交头接耳。大部分都是我没在家里见过的人，我知道他们只是过来点个卯，更多的是要向瓦赫达提先生的母亲表示问候，而不是来看望那位总也不照面的病人，他们和他之间的亲情实在少得可怜。母亲大人当然也来了，谢天谢地，没带那两条狗。她冲进家里，一手拿一条手帕，用来擦红肿的眼睛和汤汤水水的鼻子。她一屁股坐到儿子床头，就开始哭。不仅如此，她还穿了一身黑，真叫我脊背发凉，就好像她儿子已经死了一样。
This was not entirely true, however. Indeed, after the first week or so he made his feelings quite clear about the visitors, his mother included. He was, even in such extreme sickness, a fundamentally solitary creature. And he had no use for their pity, their woebegone looks, all the forlorn headshaking at the wretched spectacle he had become. When they entered his room, he waved his functional left hand in an angry shooing motion. When they spoke to him, he turned his cheek. If they sat at his side, he clutched a handful of bedsheet and grunted and pounded the fist against his hip until they left. With Pari, his dismissal was no less insistent, if far gentler. She came to play with her dolls at his bedside, and he looked up at me pleadingly, his eyes watering, his chin quivering, until I led her out of the room — he did not try to speak with her for he knew his speech upset her.
然而这不完全是事实。其实只过了一个来礼拜，他对来访者的感受，包括对他母亲的态度，就表露得相当清楚了。即使病到这个分上，他也不改孤独者的本性。他不需要他们的怜悯，不需要他们愁眉苦脸的表情，更不要他们绝望地摇着头，把他当成惨绝人寰的奇景。他们一走进他的房间，他就挥起能动的左手，做出愤怒的，往外轰人的动作。他们和他说话，他就把脸扭过去。如果他们坐到他身边，他就挠床单，哼哼着，拿拳头捶自己的屁股，直到人家离开。和帕丽在一起的时候，他的封闭程度丝毫不减，只是温和了许多。她带着玩具过来，在他床头玩，这时他便仰望着我，满脸恳求的神色，眼中含着泪，下巴颤抖着，直到我把帕丽领出房间。他不打算和孩子讲什么，因为他知道自己一开口，就会让她伤心。
And, in a way, he was. At least the old version of him. Half of his face was now a frozen mask. His legs were almost of no service. He had movement of the left arm, but the right was only bone and flaccid meat. He spoke with hoarse grunts and moans that no one could decipher.
不过这么说也对，他真像是死了。至少是回到了从前的老样子。现在，他有半张脸成了僵死的面具，两条腿几乎完全不听使唤，左胳膊还能活动，但是右边那条只剩下了骨头和松垮垮的肉。他讲起话来，只是一串嘶哑的咕噜和呻吟，谁也没法听出个所以然。
The doctor told us that Mr. Wahdati felt emotions as he had before the stroke and he understood things well, but what he could not do, at least for the time being, was to act on what he felt and understood.
大夫告诉我们，瓦赫达提先生还是能感受到各种情感的，在这方面，他和中风前一样，他也能很好地理解事物，但是他不能，至少暂时做不到，就自己的感受和理解做出反应。
The great visitor exodus came as a relief to Nila. When people were packing the house wall to wall, Nila retreated upstairs into Pari’s bedroom with her, much to the disgust of the mother-in-law, who doubtless expected — and, really, who could blame her?– Nila to remain at her son’s side, at least for the sake of appearances if nothing else. Of course Nila cared nothing about appearances or what might be said about her. And plenty was. “What sort of wife is this?” I heard the mother-in-law exclaim more than once. She complained to anyone who would listen that Nila was heartless, that she had a gaping hole in her soul. Where was she now that her husband needed her? What sort of wife abandoned her loyal, loving husband?
访客大撤退让妮拉松了口气。当初人们把家里挤得水泄不通，妮拉便和帕丽一起躲到楼上，躲进孩子的卧室，她婆婆对此极为反感，她肯定希望——说实在的，谁会怪她呢？——妮拉守在儿子身边，就算不为别的，至少做个样子也行。当然了，妮拉才不在乎什么样子不样子的，也不管人家怎么议论她。闲话可多了。“这算什么媳妇啊？”我听见婆婆不止一次这样大声嚷嚷。她对所有肯听的人数落妮拉的不是，说她狠心，说她良心被狗吃了。丈夫现在需要她，可她又在哪儿呢？丢下这么忠诚有爱的丈夫不管，这算什么媳妇啊？
Some of what the old woman said, of course, was accurate. Indeed, it was I who could be found most reliably at Mr. Wahdati’s bedside, I who gave him his pills and greeted those who entered the room. It was me to whom the doctor spoke most often, and therefore it was me, and not Nila, whom people asked about Mr. Wahdati’s condition.
当然，老太婆有些话说得一点儿都没错。实际上，人家总是看见我守在瓦赫达提先生的床头，我喂他吃药，有人进屋，也是我迎来送往。大夫总是找我谈话，因此大伙也老是找我，而不是妮拉，打听瓦赫达提先生的病情。
She couldn’t do it.
她承担不了。
Mr. Wahdati’s dismissal of visitors relieved Nila of one discomfort but presented her with another. By holing up in Pari’s room and closing the door, she had kept herself at a remove not only from the disagreeable mother-in-law but also from the mess that her husband had become. Now the house was vacant, and she faced spousal duties for which she was uniquely ill suited.
瓦赫达提先生轰走了来访者，减轻了妮拉的不快，却给她带来了别的烦恼。过去，她躲进帕丽的房间，关上门，不仅就此避开难缠的婆婆，也让自己远离了身处困境的丈夫。现在家里空了，妻子的义务摆在面前，而这恰恰是她最难承担的。
And she didn’t.
她也没有承担。
I am not saying she was cruel or callous. I have lived a long time, Mr. Markos, and one thing I have come to see is that one is well served by a degree of both humility and charity when judging the inner workings of another person’s heart. What I am saying is that I walked into Mr. Wahdati’s room one day and found Nila sobbing into his belly, a spoon still in her hand, as pureed lentil daal dripped from his chin onto the bib tied around his neck.
我不是说她狠心，也不是说她无情。马科斯先生，我活了一大把年纪，有一件事总是明白的：一个人在对另一个人的内心世界做出评判时，最好怀有一定程度的谦逊和宽容。我必须告诉您，有一天，我走进瓦赫达提先生的房间，正看见妮拉趴在他肚子上呜呜地哭，她手里还抓着一只汤匙，扁豆汤正顺着瓦赫达提先生的下巴，淌落到脖子上系的围嘴上。
“Let me, Bibi Sahib,” I said gently. I took the spoon from her, wiped his mouth clean, and went to feed him, but he moaned, squeezed his eyes shut, and turned his face.
“让我来吧，尊贵的太太。”我轻声说道。我从她手里拿过汤匙，抹净瓦赫达提先生的嘴巴，接着喂他，可他呻吟着，死死闭上眼睛，把脸扭到一边。
I met Nila as she came down the front steps with puffy eyes and smudged eyeliner. She had been in Mr. Wahdati’s room saying her good-byes.
我在楼前遇到了正走下台阶的妮拉，她眼睛肿着，眼线也花了。刚才她待在瓦赫达提先生屋里，和他道别。
It was not long after that I was lugging a pair of suitcases down the stairs and handing them to a driver, who stowed them in the trunk of his idling car. I helped Pari, who was wearing her favorite yellow coat, climb into the backseat.
此后没过多久，我便把两个行李箱提下了楼，递给一个司机。汽车没熄火，他把行李装进了汽车的后备厢。帕丽穿着她最喜欢的黄外套，我扶着她爬到后座上。
I told her I certainly would when her father felt better. I kissed the back of each of her little hands. “Bibi Pari, I wish you luck and I wish you happiness,” I said.
我告诉她，我肯定会的，等她父亲好些了就去。我挨个亲吻了她两只小手的手背。“帕丽小姐，我希望您福星高照，我希望您快乐如意。”我说。
“Nabi, will you bring Papa and visit us in Paris like Maman said?” she asked, giving me her gap-toothed smile.
“纳比，妈芒说了，你会带爸爸到巴黎来看我们的，对吗？”她问，咧开嘴，豁着牙，冲我一笑。
I asked her how he was.
我问她，老爷怎么样？
“Relieved, I think,” she said, then added, “although that may be my wishful thinking.” She closed the zipper to her purse and slung the strap over her shoulder.
“我觉得他如释重负。”她说，接着又道，“不过也许这只是我希望如此，我希望我觉得他如释重负。”她拉好手提包的拉链，把背带甩到肩后。
I promised her I would not.
我向她做了保证，谁也不告诉。
“Don’t tell anyone where I’m going. It would be for the best.”
“别告诉任何人我要去哪儿。这样最好。”
She told me she would write soon. She then looked me long in the eyes, and I believe I saw genuine affection there. She touched my face with the palm of her hand.
她对我说，会很快写信回来，然后久久地直视着我的眼睛，我相信，我在她的目光中看到了真挚的情感。她抬起一只手，抚摸着我的脸。
“I’m happy, Nabi, that you’re with him.”
“我很高兴，纳比，因为有你陪着他。”
Then she pulled close and embraced me, her cheek against mine. My nose filled with the scent of her hair, her perfume.
说完，她上前拥抱了我。她的脸贴着我的脸，我鼻子里都是她头发的香气，她香水的味道。
“It was you, Nabi,” she said in my ear. “It was always you. Didn’t you know?”
“原来是你啊，纳比。”她在我耳边说，“一直都是你。你不知道吗？”
I didn’t understand. And she broke from me before I could ask. Head lowered, boot heels clicking against the asphalt, she hurried down the driveway. She slid into the backseat of the taxi next to Pari, looked my way once, and pressed her palm against the glass. Her palm, white against the window, was the last I saw of her as the car pulled away from the driveway.
我不明白她在说什么。不容我开口发问，她已抽身离去。她低着头，靴子跟儿踏响柏油路面，匆匆走下车道。她钻进出租车的后座，坐到帕丽身边，看了看我，便张开手，按住了玻璃。汽车驶离车道，而这只按在车窗上的玉手，便成了她留给我的最后印象。
I watched her go, and waited for the car to turn at the end of the street before I pulled the gates shut. Then I leaned against them and wept like a child.
我看着她离去，等着汽车转过街角，才把大门关上。然后我靠在门上，像小孩一样地哭了。
Despite Mr. Wahdati’s wishes, a few visitors still trickled in, at least for a short while longer. Eventually, it was only his mother who turned up to see him. She came once a week or so. She would snap her fingers at me and I would pull up a chair for her, and no sooner had she plopped down next to her son’s bed than she would launch into a soliloquy of assaults on the character of his now departed wife. She was a harlot. A liar. A drunk. A coward who had run to God knows where when her husband needed her most. This, Mr. Wahdati would bear in silence, looking impassively past her shoulder at the window. Then came an interminable stream of news and updates, much of it almost physically painful in its banality. A cousin who had argued with her sister because her sister had had the gall to buy the same exact coffee table as she. Who had got a flat tire on the way home from Paghman last Friday. Who had got a new haircut. On and on. Sometimes Mr. Wahdati would grunt something, and his mother would turn to me.
虽然瓦赫达提先生不乐意，还是有几个访客陆续登门，不过也只持续了不长的时间。到了最后，只剩下他母亲还来看他了。她大约每个礼拜来一趟。她冲我打个响指，我便为她拉过椅子。她一屁股坐到儿子床边，马上就开始唠唠叨叨，数落他已经走掉的妻子，攻击她的人品，骂她是个娼妓，骗子，酒鬼。说她胆小怕事，在丈夫最需要她的时候跑了，只有真主才知道她在哪儿。对这种话，瓦赫达提先生只是听着，不吭声，无动于衷地望着她身后的窗子。接下来就是没完没了的新闻和动态，大部分无聊透顶，让人恨不得要吐血。一对表姐妹吵了架，因为其中一个居然厚着脸皮，买了和自己家一模一样的茶几。谁上个礼拜五从帕格曼回家的路上，瘪了一只车胎。谁又理了个新发型。不停地说啊说。有时候瓦赫达提先生会咕哝两声，他母亲便回头看我。
“You. What did he say?” She always addressed me in this manner, her words sharp and angular.
“你。他说什么？”她一向用这种字眼儿称呼我，说起话来既尖刻又不中听。
“Your son says he would like to sleep.”
“您儿子说，他想睡觉。”
Because I was at his side more or less all day, I had slowly come to unlock the enigma of his speech. I would lean in close, and what sounded to others like unintelligible groans and mumbles I would recognize as a request for water, for the bedpan, an appeal to be turned over. I had become his de facto interpreter.
我几乎整天守在瓦赫达提先生身边，慢慢地破译了他的语音。我会凑到很近的地方，别人听起来无法理解的呻吟声和咕哝声，我却能听得出来是要水，要便盆，还是要翻身。我已经成了他事实上的翻译。
The old woman would sigh and say that it was just as well, she ought to be going anyway. She would lean down and kiss his brow and promise to come back soon. Once I had walked her out to the front gates, where her own chauffeur awaited her, I would return to Mr. Wahdati’s room and sit on a stool next to his bed and we would relish the silence together. Sometimes his eyes caught mine, and he would shake his head and grin crookedly.
老太婆叹口气，道一声，那就这样吧，她得走了。她弯下腰，亲一亲他的脑门，保证很快再来。她的司机等在大门外面，我一把她送出去，就回到瓦赫达提先生的房间，坐到他床边的凳子上，和他一起享受沉默。有时我们四目相对，他会摇晃着脑袋，歪咧着嘴巴笑起来。
Because the work I had been hired for was so limited now — I drove only to get groceries once or twice a week, and I had to cook for only two people — I saw little sense in paying the other servants for work that I could perform. I expressed this to Mr. Wahdati, and he motioned with his hand. I leaned in.
此时我分内的工作已所剩无几，开车出去只是买些食品杂货，每个礼拜一两次就够了，做饭也只有两个人吃，所以我看不出再花钱请别的仆人有什么意义，他们的工作我也能干。我把这些话跟瓦赫达提先生说了，他做了个手势。我凑近了去听。
“You know where I keep the money.”
“你知道我放钱的地方。”
“Get your rest, Sahib.”
“您休息吧，老爷。”
He asked me if I was sure, and I told him I was.
他问我是不是真心话，我告诉他是的。
“Yes, Sahib.”
“听着呢，老爷。”
“I don’t care how much.”
“多少钱我都不在乎。”
“Pay yourself any salary you like.”
“你给自己开工钱，开多少都行。”
I told him we had no need to talk about that.
我告诉他，我们之间没必要谈钱。
“You’ll wear yourself out.”
“你会累坏的。”
His eyes watered and his fingers closed weakly around my wrist. He had been the most stoic man I had ever known, but since the stroke the most trivial things made him agitated, anxious, tearful.
他的眼睛湿了，一只手有气无力地抓住我的腕子。我认识的人当中，就数他最喜怒不形于色，可是自从中风之后，最细微的小事也足以让他激动，焦虑，涕泪横流。
“No, Sahib. I’m happy to do it.”
“不会，老爷。我很高兴这样做。”
“Nabi, listen to me.”
“纳比，听我说。”
I said I was thinking of making shorwa soup for lunch. “How does that sound, shorwa? I would like some myself, come to think of it.”
我说我打算午餐做个汤。“怎么样，喝汤行吗？我自己想喝，您也考虑考虑。”
I put an end to the evening gatherings with the other workers. I no longer cared what they thought of me; I would not have them come to Mr. Wahdati’s house and amuse themselves at his expense. I had the considerable pleasure of firing Zahid. I also let go of the Hazara woman who came in to wash clothes. Thereafter, I washed the laundry and hung it on a clothesline to dry. I tended to the trees, trimmed the shrubs, mowed the grass, planted new flowers and vegetables. I maintained the house, sweeping the rugs, polishing the floors, beating the dust from the curtains, washing the windows, fixing leaky faucets, replacing rusty pipes.
我停止了晚上和其他工友的聚会。我不在乎他们怎么看我了，我将不许他们再进瓦赫达提先生家，花他的钱，来这儿给自己找乐子。解雇扎希德对我来说，是一件相当大的乐事。我把洗衣服的哈扎拉女人也打发走了。从那以后，我来洗衣服，我来把它们挂到绳子上晾干。我照看树，修剪灌木，割草，栽花，种菜。我打理房子，清扫地毯，给地板打蜡，拍掉窗帘上的尘土，擦窗户，修理漏水的龙头，更换生锈的水管。
One day, I was up in Mr. Wahdati’s room dusting cobwebs from the moldings while he slept. It was summer, and the heat was fierce and dry. I had taken all the blankets and sheets off Mr. Wahdati and rolled up the legs of his pajama pants. I had opened the windows, the fan overhead wheeled creakily, but it was little use, the heat pushed in from every direction.
有一天，瓦赫达提先生睡觉的时候，我去了他房间，清扫天花板上边边角角的蛛网。正值夏日，热浪逼人，又干燥得厉害。我已经给瓦赫达提先生撤走了所有的毯子和被单，卷起了睡裤的裤腿，窗户都打开了，头顶的吊扇吱吱嘎嘎地转着，可还是不管用，热浪从四面八方袭来。
There was a rather large closet in the room I had been meaning to clean for some time and I decided to finally get to it that day. I slid the doors open and started in on the suits, dusting each one individually, though I recognized that, in all probability, Mr. Wahdati would never don any of them again. There were stacks of books on which dust had collected, and I wiped those as well. I cleaned his shoes with a cloth and lined them all up in a neat row. I found a large cardboard box, nearly shielded from view by the hems of several long winter coats draping over it. I pulled it toward me and opened it. It was full of Mr. Wahdati’s old sketchbooks, one stacked atop another, each a sad relic of his past life.
屋里有个挺大的衣橱，我早就盘算着把它打扫一遍，现在拿定了主意，今天就动手。我把橱门拉开，从西装开始，一件件掸去灰尘，不过我也明白，十有八九，这些衣服瓦赫达提先生再也不会穿了。里面有一堆书，积了灰，我把它们也一并抹干净。我拿了块布，擦净他的鞋子，一双双摆放整齐。我发现了一个大纸箱，放在几件冬天穿的长大衣下面，大衣的下摆垂落着，把它挡得严严实实，几乎看不见。我把它拉出来打开。里面装满了瓦赫达提先生用过的速写本，一本摞一本，每一本都是他昔日生活的遗迹。
It was you, Nabi.
原来是你啊，纳比。
It was always you.
一直都是你。
Didn’t you know?
你不知道吗？
I lifted the top sketchbook from the box and randomly opened it to a page. My knees nearly buckled. I went through the whole book. I put it down and picked up another, then another, and another, and another after that. The pages flipped before my eyes, each fanning my face with a little sigh, each bearing the same subject drawn in charcoal. Here I was wiping the front fender of the car as seen from the perch of the upstairs bedroom. Here I was leaning on a shovel by the veranda. I could be found on these pages tying my shoelaces, chopping wood, watering bushes, pouring tea from kettles, praying, napping. Here was the car parked along the banks of Ghargha Lake, me behind the wheel, the window rolled down, my arm hanging over the side of the door, a dimly drawn figure in the backseat, birds circling overhead.
我从纸箱里取出放在最上面的速写本，随便翻到一页。我的腿一下就软了。我翻完了一整本，把它放下，再拿起另一本，接着又一本，又一本，然后又是一本。一页又一页，从我眼前翻过，每一页都发出低低的叹息，轻轻吹拂着我的脸，每一页都用炭笔画着相同的主题。那是我，是从二楼卧室的阳台上看到的我，是我在擦汽车的前脸。那是从游廊里看到的我，是我倚靠着一把铁锹。纸上还有我在系鞋带，劈柴，给矮树烧水，从水壶里倒茶，做礼拜，打盹。还有汽车停在加尔加湖畔，我坐在方向盘后面，车窗摇落，我的胳膊垂在窗外，后座上画着一个朦胧的身影，群鸟在空中盘旋。
I looked over to Mr. Wahdati. He was sleeping soundly on his side. I carefully placed the sketchbooks back in the cardboard box, closed the top, and pushed the box back in the corner beneath the winter coats. Then I left the room, shutting the door softly so as not to wake him. I walked down the dim hallway and down the stairs. I saw myself walk on. Step out into the heat of that summer day, make my way down the driveway, push out the front gates, stride down the street, turn the corner, and keep walking, without looking over my shoulder.
我低头看看瓦赫达提先生。他还在侧身酣睡。我小心翼翼，把那些速写本放回纸箱，合上盖子，推回冬衣下的角落。然后我出了房间，轻轻关上门，免得把他吵醒。我走过昏暗的走廊，走下楼梯。我知道自己没有停步，走到屋外，走入夏日的酷热，走过车道，推开大门，迈步上街，转过街角，一直走，不回头。
One day, I went up to his room and told him that I had a surprise for him. This was sometime in the late 1950s, long before television had made its way to Kabul. He and I passed our time those days playing cards, and, of late, chess, which he had taught me and for which I was showing a bit of a knack. We also spent considerable time with reading lessons. He proved a patient teacher. He would close his eyes as he listened to me read and shake his head gently when I erred. Again, he would say. By then, his speech had improved quite dramatically over time. Read that again, Nabi. I had been more or less literate when he had hired me back in 1947, thanks to Mullah Shekib, but it was through Suleiman’s tutoring that my reading truly advanced, as did my writing by consequence. He did it to help me, of course, but there was also a self-serving element to the lessons for I now could read to him books that he liked. He could read them on his own, naturally, but only for short bursts, as he tired easily.
有一天，我走进他的房间，说我有个惊喜给他。那是五十年代末，还要过很长时间，喀布尔才会有电视可看。那些日子里，他和我玩扑克来打发时间，后来下象棋，他教我，下起棋来，慢慢地我也能露一小手。我们也花了相当多的时间上阅读课。实践证明，他是个很有耐心的老师。我朗读的时候，他闭着眼睛听，要是读错了，他就轻轻摇一摇头。再来。他说。那个时候，久而久之，他的语言能力已经有了相当惊人的改善。再读一遍，纳比。1947年，他刚雇我的时候，我多多少少也算是识字的，这得多亏谢基卜毛拉，可是通过苏莱曼的辅导，我的阅读才真正有了提高，写作能力也因此大为进步。他教我，当然是为了帮我，可是他给我上课也有自私的成分，因为现在我能读他喜欢的书给他听了。不用说，他自己也能读，可是只能读一小会儿，因为他很容易疲倦。
How was I to stay on now? I wondered. I was neither disgusted nor flattered by the discovery I had made, Mr. Markos, but I was discomfited. I tried to picture how I could stay, knowing what I knew now. It cast a pall over everything, what I had found in the box. A thing like this could not be escaped, pushed aside. Yet how could I leave while he was in such a helpless state? I could not, not without first finding someone suitable to take over my duties. I owed Mr. Wahdati at least that much because he had always been good to me, while I, on the other hand, had maneuvered behind his back to gain his wife’s favors.
我该不该留下来？我不知道。对此前的发现，我既不觉得恶心，也没感到荣幸，马科斯先生，可我确实心烦意乱。我想弄明白，在知道自己已经知道的情况下，怎么才能留下来。我在纸箱里发现的那些东西，让事事都蒙上了一层尸布。这种事没有办法逃避，由不得你把它抛在一边。可是他处在这样一种无助的状态，我又怎能撒手不管？我不能，除非先找到合适的人选，接手我的工作。我欠瓦赫达提先生的，最起码他一直待我很好，另一方面，我也曾背着他，讨他妻子的欢心。
I went to the dining room and sat at the glass table with my eyes closed. I cannot tell you how long I sat there without moving, Mr. Markos, only that at some point I heard stirrings from upstairs and I blinked my eyes open and saw that the light had changed, and then I got up and set a pot of water to boil for tea.
我走进餐厅，坐到玻璃桌边，闭上眼睛。马科斯先生，我没法告诉您我在那儿坐了多久，一动不动，直到我听见楼上发出了响动。我睁开眼，看到阳光已经转暗，便站起来，灌了一壶水，烧水沏茶。
When I told him about this surprise, he asked me what it was. I slid my arm under his neck and told him we were going downstairs first. In those days, I had little trouble carrying him for I was still young and able. I lifted him with ease and carried him to the living room, where I gently reclined him on the sofa.
我告诉他有个惊喜的时候，他就问我什么惊喜。我用胳膊搂住他的脖子，跟他说，咱们得先下楼。那段时间，我不用怎么费劲，就能把他抱起来，因为我还年轻，有力气。我轻而易举地托起他，把他抱进客厅，轻轻放到沙发上。
“Well?” he said.
“行了吗？”他问。
If I was in the midst of a chore and could not be with him, he didn’t have much to occupy himself with. He listened to records. Often, he had to make do with looking out the window, at the birds perched on the trees, the sky, the clouds, and listen to the children playing on the street, the fruit vendors pulling their donkeys, chanting, Cherries! Fresh cherries!
如果我忙于家务，陪不了他，他自己就没什么好干的了。他听听唱片，但往往也只能看看窗外，看鸟儿在树上飞落，看天，看看云朵，听孩子们在街上嬉闹，听水果贩子牵着驴，吆喝着：樱桃咧！新鲜的樱桃！
“Is it the neighbors?” I said. “Are you embarrassed by what people will say?”
“是因为邻居吗？”我问，“你是怕听到人家议论你吗？”
He told me to take him back upstairs.
他吩咐我，把他弄回楼上去。
I pushed in the wheelchair from the foyer. For over a year, I had lobbied for it, and he had obstinately refused. Now I had taken the initiative and bought one anyway. Immediately, he was shaking his head.
我把轮椅从门厅推了进来。我已经为这事劝了他一年多，可他总是顽固地拒绝。现在我不管三七二十一，先买回来再说。他马上摇起了头。
It would merit mentioning here that I did at first search for a replacement for myself. I did not tell Suleiman I was doing so; I thought it best to find the right person and then bring the news to him. A number of people came to inquire about the work. I met with them outside the house so as to not rouse suspicion in Suleiman. But the search proved far more problematic than I had anticipated. Some of the candidates were clearly made of the same cloth as Zahid, and those — whom I sniffed out easily due to my lifelong dealings with their sort — I dismissed swiftly. Others didn’t have the necessary cooking skills, for, as I mentioned earlier, Suleiman was a rather fussy eater. Or they could not drive. Many could not read, which was a serious impediment now that I habitually read to Suleiman late in the afternoons. Some I found to be impatient, another grave shortcoming when it came to caring for Suleiman, who could be exasperating and at times childishly petulant. Others I intuitively judged to lack the necessary temperament for the arduous task at hand.
应该在这儿说一下，一开始，我确实给自己找过继任者。找人的事我没告诉苏莱曼。我觉得最好还是先找到合适的人选，然后再跟他说。来打听工作的人不少，我到房子外面和他们见面，以免让苏莱曼生疑。可是找人找到后来，问题远比我预想的要多。有些应征者明显就是扎希德一路的货色，我跟这种人打了一辈子交道，他们什么味儿，我马上就能闻得出来，所以当场就把他们打发走了。还有些人没有必需的厨艺，我以前说过，苏莱曼是个相当挑剔的食客。另外一些人不会开车。许多都不识字，这是个很严重的障碍，因为习惯已经养成，每天黄昏前，我都要给苏莱曼读书。我发现有些人没耐心，如果要照顾苏莱曼的话，这就是另一个严重的缺陷，因为他很容易动怒，有时候会耍小孩子脾气。还有些人，我凭直觉感到，他们缺乏必要的性情，来承担手头这份艰巨的工作。
Now he was crying and laughing, and still saying, “No! No!” even as I lifted him and lowered him into the wheelchair, and as I covered him with a blanket and wheeled him through the front door.
他这会儿又哭又笑，嘴里还在说着：“不要！不要！”可我已经把他抱了起来，放进了轮椅。我拿毯子给他盖好，推着他出了大门。
“Well, I don’t give one damn what the neighbors think or say,” I said. “So, what we are going to do today is go for a walk. It’s a lovely day and we are going for a walk, you and I, and that is that. Because if we don’t get out of this house, I am going to lose my mind, and where would that leave you if I went insane? And honestly, Suleiman, quit your crying. You’re like an old woman.”
“听着，我才不管邻居怎么想，怎么说呢。”我说，“这样，咱们今天要做的，就是去散个步。天气蛮好的，所以我们要去散散步，你和我，就是这样。如果咱们不走出这房子，我就要憋出毛病来了。如果我疯了，你怎么办？哎呀行了，苏莱曼，别哭了。你就像个老婆子。”
And so three years on, I was still at the house, still telling myself I intended to leave once I felt assured Suleiman’s fate was in hands I could trust. Three years on, I was still the one washing his body every other day with a wet cloth, shaving his face, clipping his nails, cutting his hair. I fed him his food and helped him on the bedpan, and I wiped him clean, the way you do an infant, and I washed the soiled diapers I pinned on him. In that time, we had developed between us an unspoken language born of familiarity and routine, and, inevitably, a degree of previously unthinkable informality had seeped into our relationship.
于是三年过去了，我还留在这宅子里，还在不停地跟自己说，只要我觉得能把苏莱曼的命运交到可信赖的人手里，我就考虑离开。三年过去了，还是我在给他擦洗身子，用一块湿布，两天擦一次，还是我在给他刮脸，剪指甲，理发。我喂他吃东西，扶他躺便盆，再给他擦干净，就像人家收拾婴儿一样，我也得给他垫尿布，尿布脏了我来洗。在那段时间里，由于亲密无间和例行公事，我们之间发展出了一种无需开口的语言，而且不可避免地，一种以前难以想像的不拘礼节，已经慢慢渗入到了我们的关系里。
Once I got him to agree to the wheelchair, the old ritual of morning strolls was restored. I wheeled him out of the house, and we would go down the street and say hello to the neighbors as we passed by. One of them was Mr. Bashiri, a young, recent graduate of Kabul University who worked for the Ministry of Foreign Affairs. He, his brother, and their respective wives had moved into a big two-story home three houses down across the street from us. Sometimes we ran into him as he was warming up his car in the morning to go to work, and I always stopped for a few pleasantries. I often wheeled Suleiman over to Shar-e-Nau Park, where we sat in the shade of the elms and watched the traffic — the taxi drivers pounding palms against horns, the ding-a-ding of bicycles, donkeys braying, pedestrians suicidally stepping into the path of buses. We became a familiar sight, Suleiman and I, in and around the park. On the way home, we paused often for good-humored exchanges with magazine vendors and butchers, a few cheerful words with the young policemen directing traffic. We chatted up drivers leaning against their fenders, waiting for pickups.
一旦我让他接受了轮椅，早晨散步的老习惯便恢复了。我把他推出家门，推到街上，一边走，一边跟路过的邻居们打招呼。其中有位年轻的巴希里先生，刚从喀布尔大学毕业，去了外交部工作。他和他哥哥带着各自的妻子，搬进了一幢两层的房子，就在我们家马路对面，隔着三户人家就是。有时我们在早上碰到他，他正在暖车，准备去上班，我总要停下来，开几句玩笑。我经常推着苏莱曼去沙尔瑙公园，坐在榆树的树荫下，看人来车往——出租车司机举起大巴掌，猛拍车喇叭，自行车叮叮作响，驴儿欢叫，行人找死，跟公共汽车抢道。在公园里，在公园外，苏莱曼和我，我俩成了常见的一景。在回家的路上，我们常常停步，和卖杂志的摊主、卖肉的屠户说说笑笑，跟指挥交通的那些年轻警察，我们也能逗上几句。我们还和那些倚着挡泥板、等人坐车的司机搭讪。
Sometimes I lowered him into the backseat of the old Chevrolet, stowed the wheelchair in the trunk, and drove out to Paghman, where I could always find a pretty green field and a bubbling little stream shaded by trees. He tried his hand at sketching after we ate lunch, but it was a struggle, for the stroke had affected his dominant right hand. Still, using his left hand, he managed to recreate trees and hills and bundles of wildflowers with far greater artistry than I could with my intact faculties. Eventually, Suleiman would tire and doze off, the pencil slipping from his hand. I would cover his legs with a blanket and lie on the grass beside his chair. I would listen to the breeze catching the trees, gaze up at the sky, the strips of clouds gliding overhead.
有时，我把他塞进老雪佛兰的后座，轮椅收进后备厢，开车出城，去帕格曼。到了那儿，我总能找到一片漂亮的绿地，树荫下小溪潺潺。我俩吃完午饭，他便动手写生，但这实在艰难，因为中风影响了他惯用的右手。可他拿左手也画出了树林、群山，还有一簇簇野花，就算我把两只好手都用上，也远远不及他技艺精湛。最后，要是苏莱曼累了，就会打起瞌睡，铅笔从手中滑落。我就用毯子给他盖上腿，挨着他的轮椅，躺到草地上。我会听微风在林中婉转，看着天空，一条条云彩高高地游走不定。
Sooner or later, I would find my thoughts drifting to Nila, who was an entire continent away from me now. I would picture the soft sheen of her hair, the way she bounced her foot, the sandal slapping her heel to the crackle of a burning cigarette. I thought of the curve of her back and the swell of her chest. I longed to be near her again, to be engulfed in her smell, to feel the old familiar flutter of the heart when she touched my hand. She had promised to write me, and though years had passed and in all likelihood she had forgotten me, I cannot lie now and claim I did not still feel an upsurge of anticipation each time we received correspondence at the house.
或迟或早，我都会发现，我的思绪飘向了妮拉，她现在和我相隔万里。我会想起她头发柔润的光华，一只脚上下起落的模样，凉鞋吊在她脚后跟儿上，啪的一声，将一支燃烧的香烟生生踏灭。我想着她身后的曲线，胸前的凸起。我渴望回到她身边，被她的气味席卷，感受她摸我手时久别的心脏抖颤。她答应过给我写信，可好几年过去了，十有八九她已经忘掉了我，到现在我也不能撒谎，不能否认，每次在家里收到来信时，我仍然会感到一种突然高涨的期盼。
“I was thinking, you should marry,” he said. “Before you lose your looks. You’re already graying.”
“我在想，你该结婚了。”他说，“趁你还好看。你已经有白头发了。”
“Well, I’m past forty,” I said. “I know that much.”
“嗯，我四十多了。”我说，“这一点我还是有谱的。”
One day, in Paghman, I was sitting on the grass, studying the chessboard. This was years later, in 1968, the year after Suleiman’s mother died, and also the year both Mr. Bashiri and his brother became fathers, boys they had named, respectively, Idris and Timur. I often spotted the little baby cousins in their strollers as their mothers took them for leisurely walks around the neighborhood. That day, Suleiman and I had started a chess game, before he had dozed off, and I was trying now to find a way to equalize my position after his aggressive opening gambit, when he said, “Tell me, how old are you, Nabi?”
有一天，在帕格曼，我坐在草地上，端详着棋盘。这已经是多年以后了，是1968年，是苏莱曼的母亲去世后的那一年，也是巴希里先生和他哥哥双双做了父亲的那一年，他们给两个儿子取了名，一个叫伊德里斯，一个叫铁木尔。我经常看见这对小哥俩儿坐在婴儿车里，两个母亲推着他们，在附近悠闲地散步。那天，苏莱曼在犯困之前，和我下了一盘象棋，他以进攻性的弃兵局开场，而我正在琢磨怎样才能挽回颓势。就在这个时候，他对我说：“告诉我，纳比，你多大了？”
We smiled at each other. I told him my sister Masooma used to say the same to me.
我俩相视而笑。我告诉他，我妹妹马苏玛过去老跟我说同样的话。
He asked if I remembered the day he had hired me, back in 1947, twenty-one years earlier.
他问我还记不记得他雇我的那天，那是1947年，二十一年前的事了。
Naturally, I did. I had been working, rather unhappily, as an assistant cook at a house a few blocks from the Wahdati residence. When I had heard that he needed a cook — his own had married and moved away — I had walked straight to his house one afternoon and rung the bell at the front gates.
我当然记得。此前，就在离瓦赫达提家几个街区远的另一户人家，我给一个大厨子打下手，干得很憋屈，一听说瓦赫达提先生需要厨师——他当时的厨子结了婚，搬走了——就在一个下午直接去了他家，摇响了大门的门铃。
He turned his face to me. “Because you walked in, and I thought to myself that I had never seen anyone as beautiful.”
他把脸转向我。“因为你一走进来，我就在心里想，我从没见过这么美的人。”
“You were a spectacularly bad cook,” Suleiman said. “You work wonders now, Nabi, but that first meal? My God. And the first time you drove me in my car I thought I would have a stroke.” Here he paused, then chuckled, surprised at his own unintended joke.
“你当时可是个糟糕透顶的烂厨子。”苏莱曼说，“现在你干得很棒，纳比，可那第一顿饭？我的真主啊。还有你第一次开我的车，拉着我，我真觉得自己要中风了。”说到这儿，他一下子停住了，然后咯咯地笑起来，没想到自己开了这样一个意外的玩笑。
I lowered my eyes to the chessboard.
我垂下眼帘，看着棋盘。
This came as a complete surprise to me, Mr. Markos, a shock, really, for Suleiman had never submitted to me in all these years a single complaint about either my cooking or my driving. “Why did you hire me, then?” I asked.
对我来说，马科斯先生，这可是个天大的意外，震惊啊，真的，这么多年了，对我的厨艺和驾驶技术，苏莱曼从来没跟我抱怨过一个字。“那你为什么要雇我？”我问。
“I knew when I met you that we weren’t the same, you and I, that it was an impossible thing what I wanted. Still, we had our morning walks, and our drives, and I won’t say that was enough for me but it was better than not being with you. I learned to make do with your proximity.” He paused, then said, “And I think you understand something of what I am describing, Nabi. I know you do.”
“我一遇见你，就知道我们不是同类，你和我，所以我想要的是一件不可能得到的东西。尽管如此，我们还是在早晨一起散步，一起开车出门，我不会说有了这些我就满足了，可这总要好过不能和你在一起。我学会了在你身边苟且度日。”他停了一下，接着说道，“我想我说的东西，有些你是明白的，纳比。我知道你明白。”
“Well,” I said at last, aiming to ease the tension with flippancy, “one of these days I just might. And then you’ll be sorry. And so will the miserable bastard who has to wash your diapers.”
“嗯，”我终于开了口，想用无礼的言辞驱散紧张的空气，“没准哪天我真就走了。你一定会后悔的，还有另一个可怜的狗杂种，后悔老得给你洗尿布。”
I could not lift my eyes to meet his.
我无法抬起眼睛，去触碰他的目光。
“I need to tell you, if only this once, that I have loved you a long, long time, Nabi. Please don’t be angry.”
“我需要告诉你，哪怕就这一次，告诉你我一直爱着你，爱了很长很长的时间，纳比，请不要生气。”
“Again the joking,” he said tiredly.
“又开玩笑。”他疲倦地说。
I watched a beetle crawl lightly across a green-gray leaf.
我看着一只甲虫轻轻爬过灰绿色的树叶。
I shook my head no. For minutes, neither of us spoke a word. It breathed between us, what he had said, the pain of a life suppressed, of happiness never to be.
我摇了摇头，表示不会。有几分钟的时间，我们谁也没有开口。他说过的那些话，还在我俩之间萦绕回荡，那生命压抑的痛苦，那永远无法得到的幸福。
“You always joke.”
“你就爱开玩笑。”
“Don’t stay for me. This is what I’m saying, Nabi. Don’t stay for me.”
“不要为了我留下来。这就是我想说的，纳比。不要为了我留下来。”
“You flatter yourself.”
“你太自作多情了。”
“And I am telling you this now,” he said, “so you understand why I want you to go. Go and find yourself a wife. Start your own family, Nabi, like everyone else. There is still time for you.”
“现在我告诉你了，”他说，“所以你就能明白为什么我想让你走。走吧，纳比，给自己找个妻子，建立自己的家庭，就像所有人一样。你还有时间。”
I said nothing even though he had it wrong. I was not joking that time. My staying was no longer for him. It had been at first. I had stayed initially because Suleiman needed me, because he was wholly dependent on me. I had run once before from someone who needed me, and the remorse I still feel I will take with me to the grave. I could not do it again. But slowly, imperceptibly, my reasons for staying changed. I cannot tell you when or how the change occurred, Mr. Markos, only that I was staying for me now. Suleiman said I should marry. But the fact is, I looked at my life and realized I already had what people sought in marriage. I had comfort, and companionship, and a home where I was always welcomed, loved, and needed. The physical urges I had as a man — and I still had them, of course, though less frequent and less pressing now that I was older — could still be managed, as I explained earlier. As for children, though I had always liked them I had never felt a tug of paternal impulse in myself.
我没再说什么，哪怕他理解错了。这一次我可没开玩笑。我之所以留下来，已经不再是为了他。一开始的确如此。我留下，首先是因为苏莱曼需要我，因为他完全依赖我。从前有一次，我抛弃了需要我的人，悔恨至今挥之不去，并终将伴我到死。我不能再这样做了。然而，慢慢地，难以觉察地，我留下的理由起了变化。马科斯先生，我没法告诉您这种变化是什么时候发生的，又是怎样发生的，可后来我是为自己而留下来的。苏莱曼说我应该结婚。然而实际上，看看自己的生活，我就意识到了，我已经拥有了人们在婚姻中追求的东西。我拥有了舒适、伴侣，以及一个随时都能接纳我，爱我，需要我的家。作为一个男人，我生理上的需求——当然了，这种需求仍然存在，不过随着年龄的增长，此时已经不那么频繁，也没那么迫切了——还是有办法解决的，怎么解决，我先前说过了。至于孩子，虽然我一向喜欢小孩，可是从来没感到自己父爱缠身。
“If you mean to be a mule and not marry,” Suleiman said, “then I have a request of you. But on the condition that you accept before I ask.”
“如果你想当骡子，不想结婚，”苏莱曼说，“那我对你有个要求。不过你得先答应我。”
I told him he could not demand that of me.
我对他说，他不能这样强迫我。
“And yet I am.”
“我偏要。”
What shall I tell you, Mr. Markos, of the years that ensued? You know well the recent history of this beleaguered country. I need not rehash for you those dark days. I tire at the mere thought of writing it, and, besides, the suffering of this country has already been sufficiently chronicled, and by pens far more learned and eloquent than mine.
随后这些年的事，马科斯先生，我该怎么跟您说呢？对这个苦难深重的国家近来的历史，您了解得非常清楚，不需要我再向您重述那些黑暗的日子。一想到要写这些事，我就心生厌倦，而且这个国家遭受的苦难，已经得到了充分的记载，它们远比我的笔墨更有见识，更有说服力。
I looked up at him.
我抬起脸看着他。
“You can say no,” he said.
“你可以说不。”他说。
I can sum it up in one word: war. Or, rather, wars. Not one, not two, but many wars, both big and small, just and unjust, wars with shifting casts of supposed heroes and villains, each new hero making one increasingly nostalgic for the old villain. The names changed, as did the faces, and I spit on them equally for all the petty feuds, the snipers, the land mines, bombing raids, the rockets, the looting and raping and killing. Ah, enough! The task is both too great and too unpleasant. I lived those days already, and I intend to relive them on these pages as briefly as possible. The only good I took from that time was a measure of vindication about little Pari, who by now must have grown into a young woman. It eased my conscience that she was safe, far from all this killing.
要对这些年做个概括，我用两个字就够了：战争。或者更确切地说，战乱。不是一场两场的战争，而是很多场战争，有大的，也有小的，有正义的，也有非正义的，在这些战争中，英雄和恶棍不断变换着角色，每有新的英雄登场，都会唤起对昔日恶棍日益加深的怀念。他们的名字变了，面孔也变了，可我照样唾弃他们，一个也不会落下，为那些无足轻重的争斗，那些冷枪，地雷，空袭，火箭弹，劫掠，强奸和杀戮。噢，够了！这任务太巨大了，也太让人苦不堪言。那些日子我已经活过来了，我有心在这封信里重温一遍，尽可能简短。那段岁月给我带来的惟一好处，就是想起小帕丽的时候，减缓了几分负罪的感觉，她现在一定长成大姑娘了，平平安安，远离这一切的杀戮，我的良心因此得到了安慰。
He knew me well. He smiled crookedly. I made my promise, and he made his request.
他太了解我了。他歪七竖八地笑着。于是我作了保证，他提了要求。
The 1980s, as you know, Mr. Markos, were actually not so terrible in Kabul since most of the fighting took place in the countryside. Still, it was a time of exodus, and many families from our neighborhood packed their things and left the country for either Pakistan or Iran, with hopes of resettling somewhere in the West. I remember vividly the day Mr. Bashiri came to say good-bye. I shook his hand and wished him well. I said my farewells also to his son, Idris, who had grown into a tall, lanky fourteen-year-old with long hair and peach fuzz above his lip. I told Idris I would miss very much the sight of him and his cousin Timur flying kites and playing soccer on the street. You may recall that we met the cousins many years later, you and I, Mr. Markos, when they were grown men, at a party you threw at the house in the spring of 2003.
如您所知，马科斯先生，八十年代的喀布尔确实还没有那么可怕，因为战斗大部分发生在农村。尽管如此，那却是个逃亡的年代，附近许多家庭收拾了细软，离开了这个国家，要么去巴基斯坦，要么去伊朗，盼望着从那儿前往西方某个国家落脚。我清清楚楚地记得巴希里先生过来道别的那天。我和他握了手，祝他一帆风顺。我还和他儿子伊德里斯道了再见，他那会儿已经十四岁了，又瘦又高，留着长发，嘴唇上边已经冒出了软毛。我告诉伊德里斯，他和他堂弟铁木尔一起放风筝，在马路上踢足球的那些景象，一定会让我非常怀念。您大概还记得，很多年以后，咱们见过那对堂兄弟，马科斯先生，您和我一起见的，那是2003年的春天，您在这宅子里开了个派对，当时他们已经是成年人了。
It was in the 1990s that fighting at last broke out within the city limits. Kabul fell prey to men who looked like they had tumbled out of their mothers with Kalashnikov in hand, Mr. Markos, vandals all of them, gun-toting thieves with grandiose, self-given titles. When the rockets began to fly, Suleiman stayed in the house and refused to leave. He stoutly declined information about what was going on outside the walls of his house. He unplugged the television. He cast aside the radio. He had no use for newspapers. He asked that I not bring home any news of the fighting. He scarcely knew who was battling whom, who was winning, who was losing, as though he hoped that by doggedly ignoring the war it would return the favor.
九十年代，战火终于蔓延到了这座城市。蹂躏喀布尔的那些人，看上去好像从娘胎里一滚出来，手里就抓着卡拉什尼科夫冲锋枪，马科斯先生，别看这帮人顶着各种冠冕堂皇、自封自授的头衔，他们全都是野蛮人，是拿枪的贼。火箭弹开始横飞的时候，苏莱曼就待在家里，拒绝离开。他固执己见，对院墙外的信息不闻不问。他丢掉了收音机，也不碰报纸。他要求我，不要把任何战争消息带进家门。他不知道谁在和谁作战，也不管谁输谁赢，好像在希望着，通过顽固地对战争视而不见，便能获得报偿。
It was during those years, Mr. Markos, that the house absorbed most of the damage that you witnessed when you first saw it in 2002. Granted, some of it was due to the passage of time and neglect — I had aged into an old man by then and no longer had the wherewithal to tend to the house as I once had. The trees were dead by then — they had not borne fruit in years — the lawn had yellowed, the flowers perished. But war was ruthless on the once beautiful house. Windows shattered by nearby RPG blasts. A rocket pulverized the wall on the eastern face of the garden as well as half of the veranda, where Nila and I had held so many conversations. A grenade damaged the roof. Bullets scarred the walls.
这幢房子遭到的大部分破坏，都是那几年造成的，马科斯先生，您2002年第一次来这儿时，已经亲眼见到了这些破坏。虽然说，有些损伤是由于年久失修和疏于打理，因为那时我已经上了年纪，成了个老头子，再也没有力气像以前那样照看这房子了，树已经好多年不结果，都死了，草坪一片枯黄，花也谢了，但是，对这座漂亮房子最冷酷无情的，还是战争。枪榴弹在附近爆炸，震碎了窗户。一枚火箭炸毁了花园的东墙和半个游廊，就是在那儿，妮拉和我有过许多次的交谈。手雷毁坏了房顶。子弹在墙上留下累累伤痕。
Of course it did not. The street where we lived, once so quiet and pristine and gleaming, turned into a war zone. Bullets hit every house. Rockets whistled overhead. RPGs landed up and down the street and blasted craters in the asphalt. At night, red-and-white tracers flew every which way until dawn. Some days, we would have a bit of reprieve, a few hours of quiet, and then sudden bursts of fire would break it, rounds cracking off from every direction, people on the street screaming.
当然不会。我们住的这条街曾经那么安静，古朴，灯火阑珊，现在变成了战场。子弹击中过每幢房子，火箭呼啸着从头顶飞过，枪榴弹在街上此起彼落，将柏油路面炸出一个个弹坑。到了晚上，红红白白的曳光弹到处乱飞，直到天亮。有些日子，我们能得到片刻的缓解，短短几个小时的安静，然后，炮火骤然而起，打破寂静，一轮又一轮的爆炸响彻四面八方，伴随着人们在街头发出的尖叫。
And then the looting, Mr. Markos. Militiamen would walk in at will and make off with whatever struck their fancy. They whisked away most of the furniture, the paintings, the Turkoman rugs, the statues, the silver candlesticks, the crystal vases. They chiseled loose lapis tiles from the bathroom counters. I woke one morning to the sound of men in the foyer. I found a band of Uzbek militiamen ripping the rug from the stairwell with a set of curved knives. I stood by and watched them. What could I do? What was another old man with a bullet in the head to them?
接着就是抢劫，马科斯先生。民兵大摇大摆地走进来，见到喜欢的东西，拿了就走。他们抢走了大部分家具、油画、土库曼地毯、雕像、银烛台、水晶花瓶。他们敲掉了卫生间台子上的青金石花砖。有一天早晨，我被门厅里的人声弄醒，发现有一群乌兹别克民兵，拿着弯刀，正在割楼梯上的地毯。我站在旁边看着他们。我能怎么办？再来一个脑袋瓜挨枪子儿的老头子，对他们又算得了什么？
Like the house, Suleiman and I too were wearing down. My eyesight dimmed, and my knees took to aching most days. Forgive me this vulgarity, Mr. Markos, but the mere act of urinating turned into a test of endurance. Predictably, the aging hit Suleiman harder than it did me. He shrank and became thin and startlingly frail. Twice, he nearly died, once during the worst days of the fighting between Ahmad Shah Massoud’s group and Gulbuddin Hekmatyar’s, when bodies lay unclaimed for days on the streets. Suleiman had pneumonia that time, which the doctor said he got from aspirating his own saliva. Though both doctors and the medicines they prescribed were in short supply, I managed to nurse Suleiman back from what was surely the brink of death.
和房子一样，苏莱曼和我也是每况愈下。我的眼神越来越不济，膝盖疼起来就没完。原谅我的粗俗，马科斯先生，但我就连小便一下，也会变成痛苦的煎熬。可想而知，衰老对苏莱曼的影响比我还要严重。他萎缩了，变得瘦小，脆弱得吓人。有两次，他差点儿就死了，一次是在最糟糕的那段时间，两派武装正在交战，一派是艾哈迈德·沙阿·马苏德，另一派属于古尔布丁·希克马蒂亚尔，死尸躺在街头，几天无人认领。苏莱曼当时得了肺炎，医生说他之所以染病，是因为吸入了自己的唾液。医生，还有医生开的药，都是稀缺之物，可我仍然尽力照料苏莱曼，真是让他从死亡边缘捡回了性命。
You have some gall calling me lazy for someone who lies in bed all day.
真不要脸，自己成天躺在床上，还说我是懒虫。
I did, a hundred times I did!
我叫了，我叫了一百次！
Why didn’t you call for the bedpan, Suleiman?
你就不能叫我给你端便盆吗，苏莱曼？
He would snap his head side to side when I tried to feed him. I would leave him and give the door a good slam on my way out. Sometimes, I admit, I willfully made him worry. I left the house. He would cry, Where are you going? and I would not answer. I pretended I was leaving for good. Of course I would merely go down the street somewhere and smoke — a new habit, the smoking, acquired late in life — though I did it only when I was angry. Sometimes I stayed out for hours. And if he had really roiled me up, I would stay out until dark. But I always came back. I would enter his room without saying a word and I would turn him over and fluff his pillow, both of us averting our eyes, both of us tight-lipped, waiting for a peace offering from the other.
我喂他吃东西，他使劲把脑袋拧来拧去。我干脆不管他了，临走时还把门重重地一摔。我承认，有时候我是成心气他。我走出家门，让他哭去。你要去哪儿啊？我不搭理他。我假装一去不返。当然了，我只是上街转转，抽根烟，抽烟是我的新嗜好，老了才养成的，不过只是生气的时候才抽。有时我在外面待好几个钟头。要是他真把我惹毛了，我会在外面待到天黑。可我每次都回去。我一言不发地走进他的房间，把他翻过去，抖松枕头，我俩谁也不看谁，谁也不和谁说话，等着对方求和。
Disagreements on how many games of chess we had played the day before. Why did I always set his water on the windowsill, knowing the sun would warm it?
争论还涉及到我们前一天玩过多少盘象棋。为什么我明明知道太阳会把水晒热，还老是把杯子往窗台上放。
But you did. On Monday you did!
你有。你礼拜一煮的！
Which are you calling me, deaf or lazy?
那你以为我是什么，聋子还是懒虫？
Perhaps because of the daily confinement and the close proximity to each other, we argued often in those days, Suleiman and I. We argued the way married couples do, stubbornly, heatedly, and over trivial things.
也许是因为天天足不出户，加上彼此已亲密无间，那段时间苏莱曼常常和我拌嘴。我们像夫妻那样，为了鸡毛蒜皮的小事吵架，固执己见，热火朝天。
You already cooked beans this week.
这礼拜你已经煮过豆子了。
No need to pick, I’m calling you both!
还用得着选吗？你两个都是！
On and on.
没完没了。
No I didn’t.
我没有。
Eventually, the fighting ended with the arrival of the Taliban, those sharp-faced young men with dark beards, kohl-rimmed eyes, and whips. Their cruelty and excesses have also been well documented, and once again I see little reason to enumerate them for you, Mr. Markos. I should say that their years in Kabul were, ironically enough, a time of personal reprieve for me. They saved the bulk of their contempt and zealotry for the young, especially the poor women. Me, I was an old man. My main concession to their regime was to grow a beard, which, frankly, spared me the meticulous task of a daily shave.
战火终于平息了，因为塔利班来了。那是一帮年轻人，脸瘦瘦的，留着黑色的大胡子，画着黑眼圈，拿着鞭子。对他们的残忍和暴虐无度，已经有了详尽的记录，所以我还是要说，马科斯先生，没有什么必要再给您一一列举他们的暴行了。应该说，足够讽刺的是，他们在喀布尔这几年，倒让我多活了一阵子。他们把大部分侮辱和狂热都留给那些年轻的，尤其是穷苦的女人了。而我呢，我只是个老头子。我对塔利班政权的主要让步，就是蓄起了胡须，老实说，这让我免去了每天都要刮脸的苦差。
I helped them in this by willfully taking on a muted bovine expression so as to avoid any undue attention. I shudder to think what they would have made of — and done to — Nila. Sometimes when I summoned her in my mind, laughing at a party with a glass of champagne in hand, her bare arms, her long, slender legs, it was as though I had made her up. As though she had never truly existed. As though none of it had ever been real — not only she but I too, and Pari, and a young, healthy Suleiman, and even the time and the house we had all occupied together.
我故意给他们留下这种印象，装出一副温顺的蠢牛模样，免得引起特别的注意。一想到他们会怎样看待妮拉，怎样对待妮拉，我就不寒而栗。有时，我在心中唤她出场，看她手拿香槟，在派对上大笑，看她光裸的双臂，又细又长的双腿，这一切真仿佛出自我的凭空想像。仿佛她从未真正地存在过。仿佛一切都不是真的——不只是她，还有我，以及帕丽，以及年轻而健壮的苏莱曼，甚至我们共同生活过的那段时间，那个家。
“It’s official, Nabi,” Suleiman breathed from the bed, “you’ve lost your looks. You look like a prophet.”
“这太正式了，纳比。”苏莱曼躺在床上喘息着，“你不好看了。你看上去就像个先知。”
On the streets, the Taliban walked past me as though I were a grazing cow.
在大街上，塔利班从我身边经过，好像我是头正在吃草的母牛。
I turned to go, but he was shaking his head violently. He motioned with the fingers of his left hand.
我转身要走，可他猛烈地摇晃着脑袋，用左手的手指比画着。
Then one morning in the summer of 2000 I walked into Suleiman’s room carrying tea and freshly baked bread on a platter. Immediately, I knew something had happened. His breathing was ragged. His facial droop had suddenly become far more pronounced, and when he tried to speak he produced croaking noises that barely rose above a whisper. I put down the platter and rushed to his side.
后来，2000年夏天的一个早晨，我端着盘子，里面放着茶和新烤的馕，走进苏莱曼的房间。我一下子就知道出事了。他喘起来上气不接下气，枯死的脸色突然变得远甚以往，他想说话，却只能发出一串沙哑的噪音，比风吹树叶的沙沙声也好不了多少。我放下盘子，冲到他身边。
“I’ll fetch a doctor, Suleiman,” I said. “You just wait. We’ll get you better, like always.”
“我去叫大夫，苏莱曼。”我说，“你等着就行。我们一定能让你好起来，像从前那样。”
“I’m sorry, Suleiman,” I said, “you must let me go and find the doctor. I won’t be long.”
“对不起，苏莱曼。”我说，“你必须放我走，去找大夫。我很快就回来。”
He shook his head again, slowly this time, and tears leaked from his cataract-laden eyes. His mouth opened and closed. He motioned toward the nightstand with his head. I asked him if there was something there he needed. He shut his eyes and nodded.
他又摇起了头，这一次摇得很慢，泪水涌出他被白内障阻遏的双眼。他的嘴张开了又合上。他把头转向床头柜，我问他是不是里面有他需要的东西，他闭上眼睛，点了点头。
I leaned in, my ear close to his mouth.
我凑近了，把耳朵贴到他嘴边。
He made a series of attempts at saying something but I could not make out any of it.
他不断地努力，想要说些什么，可我怎么也听不清。
I looked down at him, his caved-in temples, his craggy cheeks, his hollow eyes.
我俯看着他，他下凹的太阳穴，嶙峋的脸颊，深陷的双眼。
I opened the top drawer. I saw nothing there but pills, his reading glasses, an old bottle of cologne, a notepad, charcoal pencils he had stopped using years before. I was about to ask him what I was supposed to find when I did find it, tucked underneath the notepad. An envelope with my name scribbled on the back in Suleiman’s clumsy penmanship. Inside was a sheet of paper on which he had written a single paragraph. I read it.
我拉开最上面的抽屉，里面只有药，老花镜，一瓶旧古龙水，一个记事本，他几年前就不再使用的炭笔，除了这些，我什么也没看到。我正要问他让我找什么，就一下子看见了。它折叠着放在记事本下面，是个信封，背面写着我的名字，正是苏莱曼歪歪扭扭的笔迹。信封里有一张纸，他在纸上只写了一段话。我读了。
He motioned again, and I leaned in. I felt his cold, rough, uneven breaths on my cheek. I heard the sound of his tongue struggling in his dry mouth as he collected himself. Somehow, perhaps through sheer force of will — his last — he managed to whisper in my ear.
他又动了一下，我凑上前，感受到他阴冷、吃力、时松时紧的呼吸吹在我脸上。我听到他在挣扎，舌头在干巴巴的嘴里奋力蠕动。不知何故，或许纯粹出于意志的力量，他最后的力量，他竟在我耳边低低地说出了话。
“No. Please, Suleiman.”
“不，别这样，苏莱曼。”
The air whooshed out of me. I forced the words around the lump that had lodged itself in my throat.
我倒吸了一口凉气，骨鲠在喉，拼命才挤出几个字：
You promised.
你保证过。
You promised.
你保证过。
“Not yet. I’m going to nurse you back. You’ll see. We’ll get through it like we always have.”
“还没到那分上。我照顾你，你一定能好起来。一定能。我们一定能撑过去的，就像过去一样。”
All I remember after was the way the pupils of his eyes had spread out.
后来，我只记得他瞳孔放大的模样。
I walked over to the window and sat, Suleiman’s cup of tea still on the platter at my feet. It was a sunny morning, I remember. Shops would open soon, if they hadn’t already. Little boys heading off to school. The dust rising already. A dog loped lazily up the street escorted by a dark cloud of mosquitoes swirling around its head. I watched two young men ride past on a motorcycle. The passenger, straddling the rear carrier pack, had hoisted a computer monitor on one shoulder, a watermelon on the other.
我走到窗前坐下。苏莱曼那杯茶还在，还放在盘中，搁在我脚边。我记得，那是个阳光明媚的早晨。晚起的店家很快就要开门。小男孩走在上学的路上。已然尘土飞扬。马路上走着一条懒洋洋的狗，蚊子如黑云，围着狗头盘旋。我看见两个小伙子合骑一辆摩托车，后面那位跨坐在车尾的货架上，一边肩膀上扛着台电脑显示器，另一边是西瓜。
How long did I sit there by him? How long did I try to negotiate? I cannot tell you, Mr. Markos. I do remember that I finally rose, walked around the side of the bed, and lay down next to him. I rolled him over so he faced me. He felt light as a dream. I placed a kiss on his dry, cracked lips. I put a pillow between his face and my chest and reached for the back of his head. I held him against me in a long, tight embrace.
我在他身边坐了多久？劝了他多久？我无法告诉您，马科斯先生。只记得最后我站起身，在床头走来走去，终于躺到他身边。我把他转过来，让他面对着我。他好轻，轻得像一个梦。我亲吻他干裂的双唇。我把枕头放到胸前，挨着他的脸，然后捧住他的后脑勺。我把他搂在怀里。一个长长的、紧紧的拥抱。
I rested my forehead against the warm glass.
我把脑门顶在了暖洋洋的玻璃上。
The note in Suleiman’s drawer was a will in which he had left me everything. The house, his money, his personal belongings, even the car, though it had long decayed. Its carcass still sat in the backyard on flat tires, a sagging hulk of rusted-over metal.
苏莱曼抽屉里的字条是一份遗嘱，写明他把一切都留给我。这房子，他的钱，他个人的财物，甚至那辆汽车，尽管它朽烂已久，尸首却栖留于后园，车胎尽瘪，徒然一堆锈蚀不堪、委顿于地的铁皮。
For a time, I was quite literally at a loss as to what to do with myself. For more than half a century I had looked after Suleiman. My daily existence had been shaped by his needs, his companionship. Now I was free to do as I wished, but I found the freedom illusory, for what I wished for the most had been taken from me. They say, Find a purpose in your life and live it. But, sometimes, it is only after you have lived that you recognize your life had a purpose, and likely one you never had in mind. And now that I had fulfilled mine, I felt aimless and adrift.
有一段时间，我真真确确地感到手足无措，不知道拿自己怎么办才好。半个多世纪了，我一直都在照顾苏莱曼。我每天的生活都囿于他的需要，始终都有他的陪伴。现在我自由了，可以做我想做的事，但我发现这自由不过是个错觉，因为我最想做的事已不复存在。人家说，去发现，发现你生活的目标，然后去过那样的生活。可是有的时候，你只有生活过，才能认识到早已有了生活的目标，也许这目标你从来不曾想到。现在我的目标已经实现了，我觉得自己失去了方向，只剩下了随波逐流。
I found I could not sleep in the house any longer; I could hardly stay in it. With Suleiman gone, it felt far too big. And every corner, every nook and cranny, evoked ripe memories. So I moved back into my old shack at the far end of the yard. I paid some workers to install electricity in the shack so that I would have a light to read by and a fan to keep me cool in the summer. As for space, I did not need much. My possessions amounted to little more than a bed, some clothes, and the box containing Suleiman’s drawings. I know this may strike you as odd, Mr. Markos. Yes, legally the house and everything in it belonged to me now, but I felt no true sense of ownership over any of it, and I knew I never really would.
我发现自己在大房里怎么也睡不好了，我在里面待都待不下去。苏莱曼一死，我就感觉这房子太大了。每个角落，每个暗处，每条裂缝，都隐藏着鲜活的记忆。所以我搬回到了院子尽头的老窝棚。我花钱请了几个工人，在棚子里通上电，好让我能就着灯光读书，到了夏天，可以吹吹电扇。至于空间，我需要的不多。我的财产加起来，不过就是一张床，几身衣服，还有那个装着苏莱曼画稿的纸箱。我知道，马科斯先生，您可能会觉得这有些古怪。的确，从法律上来说，这房子，还有这房子里的一切，现在都属于我了，可我对任何一件东西都没有主人的真情实感，而我也知道，我永远也不能真的产生那种感觉。
Then one day in 2002 you rang the bell at the front gates.
后来，2002年的一天，您摇响了大门的门铃。
I read quite a bit, books I took from Suleiman’s old study. I returned each when I had finished. I planted some tomatoes, a few sprigs of mint. I went for walks around the neighborhood, but my knees often ached before I had covered even two blocks, forcing me to return. Sometimes I pulled up a chair in the garden and just sat idly. I was not like Suleiman: Solitude did not suit me well.
我读了很多书，从苏莱曼的旧书房里拿的。每次一读完，我就把它们放回去。我种了些番茄，一点儿薄荷。我到附近散步，可是膝盖老是疼，后来我索性走到两个街区之外，再强迫自己往回走。有时候我搬上一把椅子，到花园里干坐着，无所事事。我跟苏莱曼可不一样：我习惯不了孤独。
By then, the Taliban had been driven out by the Northern Alliance, and the Americans had come to Afghanistan. Thousands of aid workers were flocking to Kabul from all over the world to build clinics and schools, to repair roads and irrigation canals, to bring food and shelter and jobs.
当时，北方联盟已经赶跑了塔利班，美国人也进入了阿富汗。几千名救援人员从世界各地涌入喀布尔，建立医院和学校，修复道路和灌渠，带来食物、住所和工作。
The translator who accompanied you was a young local Afghan who wore a bright purple jacket and sunglasses. He asked for the owner of the house. There was a quick exchange of glances between the two of you when I told the translator he was speaking to the owner. He smirked and said, “No, Kaka, the owner.” I invited you both in for tea.
陪您来的那位翻译是个年轻的阿富汗当地人，穿了件亮紫色的夹克衫，戴着太阳镜。他问我谁是房子的主人。我告诉翻译我就是。当时您二位飞快地交换了一下眼色。他傻笑起来，对我说：“不，卡卡，我说的是主人。”我请您和他进屋喝茶。
I said, “Nothing.”
我说：“不收。”
You asked how much I would charge you for rent.
您问我打算收多少房租。
The conversation that ensued, on the surviving section of the veranda over cups of green tea, was in Farsi — I have, as you know, Mr. Markos, learned some English in the seven years since, largely thanks to your guidance and generosity. Through the translator, you said you were from Tinos, which was an island in Greece. You were a surgeon, part of a medical group that had come to Kabul to operate on children who had suffered injuries to their face. You said you and your colleagues needed a residence, a guesthouse, as it is called these days.
喝的是绿茶，就在残余的游廊上，谈话用的是波斯语。不过您知道，马科斯先生，这七年来，多亏您的指导和厚爱，我也学了些英语。您通过翻译告诉我，您来自蒂诺斯，那是希腊的一个岛。您是外科医生，属于一个医疗队，到喀布尔来，是为了给那些面部受伤的儿童做手术。您说，您和您的同事需要一个住所，这一阵子你们管它叫“宿舍”了。
The translator drew himself forward to the edge of his chair and leaned toward me. He spoke in a confidential tone. He asked if my mind had gone to rot, whether I had any idea what your group was willing to pay, did I have any notion of what rentals were going for now in Kabul? He said I was sitting on gold.
翻译欠了欠身，坐到椅子边上，凑近我。他用一种推心置腹的腔调和我讲话。他问我是不是老糊涂了，我明不明白您的医疗队愿意付钱，对喀布尔现在的房租涨到什么程度，我有没有概念？他说我就坐在金子上。
I recall still how you blinked after the young man in the purple jacket translated. You repeated your question, perhaps thinking I had misunderstood.
我还记得，那个穿紫夹克的年轻人翻译完了以后，您那副惊讶的样子。您又问了一遍，也许是以为我没听懂。
I told him to remove his sunglasses when he spoke to an elder. Then I instructed him to do his job, which was to translate, not give advice, and I turned to you and offered, among my many reasons, the one that was not private. “You have left behind your country,” I said, “your friends, your family, and you have come here to this godforsaken city to help my homeland and my countrymen. How could I profit off you?”
我对他说，和长者讲话的时候要摘下太阳镜。然后我告诉他，该干吗就干吗，老老实实地翻译，用不着提建议，接着我转向您，说出了我的理由，我有许多理由，而这一个并不涉及私密。“您告别了您的国家，”我说，“您的朋友，您的家庭，来到这儿，这个被真主抛弃的城市，来帮助我的家乡，我的同胞。我怎么能从您身上获利呢？”
The young translator, whom I never saw with you again, tossed his hands up and chuckled with dismay. This country has changed. It was not always like this, Mr. Markos.
那个年轻的翻译——后来我再也没见过他和您在一起——举起了双手，失望地冷笑起来。这个国家已经变了。马科斯先生，以前可不是人人都这样的。
She is dead now, this I know. I learned it from Miss Amra. I had told her about the Wahdatis and shared with her that Nila had been a poet. She found a French publication on the computer. They had published online an anthology of their best pieces of the last forty years. There was one about Nila. The piece said she had died in 1974. I thought of the futility of all those years, hoping for a letter from a woman who was already long dead. I was not altogether surprised to learn that she had taken her own life. I know now that some people feel unhappiness the way others love: privately, intensely, and without recourse.
她现在死了，这我知道。阿姆拉小姐告诉我的。我曾经和她谈起过瓦赫达提夫妇，也曾和她说过妮拉是个诗人。她在电脑上发现了一份法语杂志，里面有一部文集，在网上发表的，收入了他们过去四十年最好的作品。有一篇写的是妮拉。文章说她死于1974年。那么多年来，我的思念都归于徒劳，期盼着一个死去已久的女人写信回来。得知她过上了自己的生活，我一点都不惊讶。我现在懂了，有些人感到不幸福，是因为别人爱的方式：秘密地，热烈地，无助地去爱。
Sometimes at night, I lie in the dark privacy of my quarters and I see the lights burning in the main house. I watch you and your friends — especially the brave Miss Amra Ademovic, whose enormous heart I admire to no end — on the veranda or in the yard, eating food from plates, smoking cigarettes, drinking your wine. I can hear the music too, and at times it is jazz, which reminds me of Nila.
有时到了晚上，在小屋里，我一个人躺在黑暗中，就能看见大房里亮堂堂的灯光。我看着您和您的朋友们——特别是那位勇敢的阿姆拉·阿德莫维奇小姐，我对她宽广的胸怀抱有无限的尊敬——在游廊上，在院子里，吃着盘子里的食物，吸着香烟，喝着您的酒。我还能听到音乐，偶尔有爵士，让我想起妮拉。
My time is near now. I weaken by the day. It will not be much longer. And thank God for that. Thank you as well, Mr. Markos, not only for your friendship, for taking the time to visit me daily and sit down for tea and for sharing with me news of your mother on Tinos and your childhood friend Thalia, but also for your compassion for my people and the invaluable service you are providing children here.
现在我也大限将至。我的衰弱日甚一日。那一天想必不会太久。感谢真主。也要感谢您，马科斯先生，感谢您的友情，您每天花时间来看我，坐下来陪我喝茶，给我讲您在蒂诺斯的母亲，告诉我她的近况，还跟我谈起您童年的朋友萨丽娅，不仅如此，我还要感谢您对我国人民的同情，感谢您为这里的孩子们提供的无价服务。
Let me finish with this, Mr. Markos.
这封信就快结束了，马科斯先生。
Thank you as well for the repair work that you are doing around the house. I have spent now the bulk of my life in it, it is home to me, and I am certain that I will soon take my last breath under its roof. I have borne witness to its decline with dismay and heartbreak. But it has brought me great joy to see it repainted, to see the garden wall repaired, the windows replaced, and the veranda, where I spent countless happy hours, rebuilt. Thank you, my friend, for the trees you have planted, and for the flowers blooming once more in the garden. If I have in some way aided in the services you render the people of this city, then what you have graciously done for this house is more than enough payment for me.
也要感谢您对这房子上上下下所做的修葺工作。我已经在这儿过了大半辈子，这就是我的家，我可以肯定，再过不久，我也要在这屋檐底下，咽下最后一口气。我曾怀着失望与悲伤，见证了它的衰败。可如今，看到它被粉刷一新，看到花园的院墙修好了，窗户换了，我曾度过无数幸福时光的游廊也得到了重建，真让我感到莫大的喜悦。谢谢您，我的朋友，为了您种下的树，为了园中再次盛开的花。如果我曾以某种方式，为您给予本城人民的服务出过力，那么您礼尚往来，对这房子所做的一切，已经超出了要付给我的租金。
The second is that you try to find my niece Pari after I am gone. If she is still alive, it may not prove too difficult — this Internet is a wondrous tool. As you can see enclosed in the envelope along with this letter is my will, in which I leave the house, the money, and my few belongings to her. I ask that you give her both this letter and the will. And please tell her, tell her that I cannot know the myriad consequences of what I set into motion. Tell her I took solace only in hope. Hope that perhaps, wherever she is now, she has found as much peace, grace, love, and happiness as this world allows.
第二件事，请您在我死后，尽力找到我的外甥女帕丽。如果她还活着的话，要证明这一点可能不会太难——互联网这东西是个令人惊奇的工具。您会看到我随信附上的遗嘱，其中写明，我把房子、钱，还有我不多的几件东西都留给了她。我请求您把这封信和遗嘱一并交给她。也请您告诉她，告诉她我没有办法知道自己引发的无数结果，告诉她我只能从希望中得到安慰。希望不论现在她身在何地，都已经找到了人生可以拥有的最多的安宁、恩宠和爱。
But, at the risk of appearing greedy, I will take the liberty of asking you for two things, one for me, one for another. First is that you have me buried in the Ashuqan-Arefan cemetery, here in Kabul. I am sure you know it. Walk to the north end from the main entrance and if you look for a short while you will find Suleiman Wahdati’s grave. Find me a plot nearby and bury me there. This is all I ask for myself.
但是，哪怕会显得贪得无厌，我还是要冒昧地请求您两件事，其一是为了我，其二是为别人。首先，请您把我埋在喀布尔的阿舒坎–阿勒凡公墓。我相信您知道它的位置。从大门进去，往北走到头，不用花太多时间，您就能找到苏莱曼·瓦赫达提的坟。请在附近给我选个地方，把我埋在那儿。我为自己对您的请求就是这些。
I thank you, Mr. Markos. May God protect you.
感谢您，马科斯先生。愿真主佑护您。
Your friend always,
您永远的朋友，
Nabi
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