For a week, I barely saw Hassan. I woke up to find toasted bread, brewed tea, and a boiled egg already on the kitchen table. My clothes for the day were ironed and folded, left on the cane-seat chair in the foyer where Hassan usually did his ironing. He used to wait for me to sit at the breakfast table before he started ironing — that way, we could talk. Used to sing too, over the hissing of the iron, sang old Hazara songs about tulip fields. Now only the folded clothes greeted me. That, and a breakfast I hardly finished anymore.
有一个星期，我几乎没有看见哈桑。我起床，发现面包已经烤好，茶已经泡好，还有个水煮蛋，统统放在厨房的桌子上。我当天要穿的衣服已经熨好叠好，摆在门廊的藤椅上，过去哈桑就在那儿熨衣服。他总是等我坐下来吃早餐才熨——这样我们就有机会谈谈心了。过去他还唱歌，在熨斗的嘶嘶声中，哼着那些古老的哈扎拉民谣，歌唱那郁金香盛开的原野。现在迎接我的，只有叠好的衣服，此外，还有那顿我已经吃不下去的早餐。
One overcast morning, as I was pushing the boiled egg around on my plate, Ali walked in cradling a pile of chopped wood. I asked him where Hassan was.
某个阴天的早晨，我正在拨弄着餐盘里的水煮蛋。阿里背着一捆劈好的柴走进来，我问他哈桑到哪里去了。
“He went back to sleep,” Ali said, kneeling before the stove. He pulled the little square door open.
“他回去睡觉了。”阿里说，他在火炉前跪低，拉开那个小方门。
Ali paused with a log in his hand. A worried look crossed his face. “Lately, it seems all he wants to do is sleep. He does his chores — I see to that — but then he just wants to crawl under his blanket. Can I ask you something?”
阿里怔了怔，手里拿着一根木头，脸上掠过一丝担忧。“迟些吧，看起来他只想睡觉。他把活干完——我看着他做完——可是随后他就只愿意裹在毛毯下面了。我能问你一些事情吗？”
“Would Hassan be able to play today?
“哈桑今天会陪我玩吗？”
“After that kite tournament, he came home a little bloodied and his shirt was torn. I asked him what had happened and he said it was nothing, that he’d gotten into a little scuffle with some kids over the kite.”
“风筝比赛过后，他回家的时候有点流血，衬衣也破了。我问他发生什么事情了，他说没事，只是在争风筝的时候跟几个小孩发生了冲突。”
“If you have to.”
“你问吧。”
“Did something happen to him, Amir agha? Something he’s not telling me?”
“他到底怎么了，阿米尔少爷？他对我隐瞒了什么吗？”
I didn’t say anything. Just kept pushing the egg around on my plate.
我什么也没说，只是继续在盘子里拨弄着那个鸡蛋。
“You would tell me, nay? _Inshallah_, you would tell me if some thing had happened?”
“你会告诉我的，对吗？安拉保佑，如果你知道发生了什么事，你会告诉我吗？”
I shrugged. “How should I know?”
我耸耸肩：“我哪里知道？”
THAT NIGHT I asked Baba if we could go to Jalalabad on Friday. He was rocking on the leather swivel chair behind his desk, reading a newspaper. He put it down, took off the reading glasses I disliked so much — Baba wasn’t old, not at all, and he had lots of years left to live, so why did he have to wear those stupid glasses?
当天夜里，我问爸爸可不可以在星期五带我去贾拉拉巴德。他坐在办公桌后面的皮转椅上，看着报纸。他把报纸放下，摘下那副我很讨厌的老花镜。爸爸又不老，一点都不老，还有好多年可以活，可是他干吗要戴那副愚蠢的眼镜啊？
“Like I said, how should I know what’s wrong with him?” I snapped. “Maybe he’s sick. People get sick all the time, Ali. Now, am I going to freeze to death or are you planning on lighting the stove today?”
“就像我说的，我哪里知道他出了什么问题？”我不耐烦地说，“也许他生病了。人们总是会生病的，阿里。看吧，你想冻死我呢，还是准备给炉子点火？”
Why did Baba have to spoil it like that? “He’s mazreez,” I said. Not feeling well.
为什么爸爸总是如此扫兴呢？“他不舒服。”我说。
“Why not!” he said. Lately, Baba agreed to everything I asked. Not only that, just two nights before, he’d asked me if I wanted to see _El Cid_ with Charlton Heston at Cinema Aryana. “Do you want to ask Hassan to come along to Jalalabad?”
“当然可以！”他说。最近，爸爸对我有求必应。不止这些，两个晚上之前，他还问我要不要去亚雅纳电影院看查尔顿·赫斯顿主演的《万世英雄》。“你想让哈桑跟着去贾拉拉巴德吗？”
I gave a shrug and sank in the sofa by the fireplace. “He’s got a cold or something. Ali says he’s sleeping it off.”
我耸耸肩，在火炉边的沙发坐下来。“他可能感冒了或者什么吧。阿里说他每天总是在睡觉。”
“I haven’t seen much of Hassan the last few days,” Baba said. “That’s all it is, then, a cold?” I couldn’t help hating the way his brow furrowed with worry.
“这几天我很少见到哈桑。”爸爸说，“仅仅是这样吗？感冒？”看到他双眉紧皱，忧虑溢于言表，我十分不满。
“Really?” Baba stopped rocking in his chair. “What’s wrong with him?”
“真的？”爸爸仍坐在椅子上，“他怎么啦？”
“Just a cold. So are we going Friday, Baba?”
“只是感冒而已啦，我们星期五去，是吗，爸爸？”
“Yes, yes,” Baba said, pushing away from the desk. “Too bad about Hassan. I thought you might have had more fun if he came.”
“是，是，”爸爸说，推着书桌站起来，“哈桑不能去，太糟糕了。我想他要是能去，你会更加开心的。”
“Well, the two of us can have fun together,” I said. Baba smiled. Winked. “Dress warm,” he said.
“好吧，我们两个也可以很开心啊。”我说。爸爸笑着，眨眨眼，“穿暖和些。”
IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN just the two of us — that was the way, I wanted it — but by Wednesday night, Baba had managed to invite another two dozen people. He called his cousin Homayoun — he was actually Baba’s second cousin — and mentioned he was going to Jalalabad on Friday, and Homayoun, who had studied engineering in France and had a house in Jalalabad, said he’d love to have everyone over, he’d bring the kids, his two wives, and, while he was at it, cousin Shafiqa and her family were visiting from Herat, maybe she’d like to tag along, and since she was staying with cousin Nader in Kabul, his family would have to be invited as well even though Homayoun and Nader had a bit of a feud going, and if Nader was invited, surely his brother Faruq had to be asked too or his feelings would be hurt and he might not invite them to his daughter’s wedding next month and…
本来就应该只有我们两个——我就希望这样——但星期三那夜，爸爸设法邀请了另外二十来个人。他打电话给他堂弟霍玛勇——实际上他是爸爸第二个堂弟——说星期五会到贾拉拉巴德去。霍玛勇曾在法国进修机械工程，如今在贾拉拉巴德有座房子，他说欢迎大家都去，他会带上他的孩子和两个老婆。还有，雪菲嘉表姐和家人从赫拉特到访，目前还在，或许她也想一起去。而这次雪菲嘉来喀布尔住在表哥纳德家，所以也得邀请他们一家，虽然霍玛勇跟纳德向来不和。倘使邀请了纳德，自然也得请他的哥哥法拉克，要不就伤害到他的感情了，并且下个月他们的女儿结婚，可能会因此不邀请霍玛勇…
We filled three vans. I rode with Baba, Rahim Khan, Kaka Homayoun — Baba had taught me at a young age to call any older male Kaka, or Uncle, and any older female, Khala, or Aunt. Kaka Homayoun’s two wives rode with us too — the pinch-faced older one with the warts on her hands and the younger one who always smelled of perfume and danced with her eyes close — as did Kaka Homayoun’s twin girls. I sat in the back row, carsick and dizzy, sandwiched between the seven-year-old twins who kept reaching over my lap to slap at each other. The road to Jalalabad is a two-hour trek through mountain roads winding along a steep drop, and my stomach lurched with each hairpin turn. Everyone in the van was talking, talking loudly and at the same time, nearly shrieking, which is how Afghans talk. I asked one of the twins-Fazila or Karima, I could never tell which was which — if she’d trade her window seat with me so I could get fresh air on account of my car sickness. She stuck her tongue out and said no. I told her that was fine, but I couldn’t be held accountable for vomiting on her new dress. A minute later, I was leaning out the window. I watched the cratered road rise and fall, whirl its tail around the mountainside, counted the multicolored trucks packed with squatting men lumbering past. I tried closing my eyes, letting the wind slap at my cheeks, opened my mouth to swallow the clean air. I still didn’t feel better. A finger poked me in the side. It was Fazila/Karima.
我们坐满了三辆旅行车。我跟爸爸、拉辛汗、霍玛勇“卡卡”搭一辆车——小时候爸爸教我管男性长辈叫“卡卡”，也就是叔叔伯伯，管女性长辈叫“卡哈拉”，也就是姑姑阿姨。霍玛勇叔叔的两个老婆也跟我们一起——较老那个满脸皱纹，手上长着肉瘤；较年轻那个则浑身散发着香水的味道，跳舞的时候老闭着眼睛——还有霍玛勇叔叔那对双胞胎女儿。我坐在最后一排，晕车并且头昏眼花，被那对双胞胎夹在中间，她们不停地越过我的膝盖，相互拍打。通往贾拉拉巴德的是条盘旋的山路，要两个小时的颠簸才能走完，车每次急转都会让我的胃翻江倒海。车里每个人都在说话，同时大声说话，近乎叫喊，这是阿富汗人交谈的方式。我问了双胞胎中的一个——法茜拉或者卡丽玛，我总是分不清她们谁是谁——问她愿不愿意让我换到窗边的位置去，因为我晕车，需要呼吸一点新鲜空气。她伸了伸舌头，说不。我告诉她无所谓，不过我也许会呕吐，弄脏她的新衣服。隔了一会儿，我把头伸出车窗外面。我看见路面坑坑洼洼，高低起伏，盘旋着消失在山那边；数着从我们车边经过的货车，它们五颜六色，载满喧哗的乘客，蹒跚前进。我试图合上双眼，让风扑打我的脸颊；我张开嘴巴，大口大口吸着干净的空气，但仍没有觉得好一些。有人用手指戳了我一下，是法茜拉或者卡丽玛。
“I was just telling everyone about the tournament,” Baba said from behind the wheel. Kaka Homayoun and his wives were smiling at me from the middle row of seats.
“我刚把风筝比赛的事情跟大家说了！”爸爸坐在驾驶座上说。霍玛勇叔叔和他两个老婆坐在中间那排，朝我微笑。
“What?” I said.
“干吗？”我说。
“A hundred kites, Homayoun jan. No _laaf_. And the only one still flying at the end of the day was Amir’s. He has the last kite at home, a beautiful blue kite. Hassan and Amir ran it together.”
“一百只风筝，亲爱的霍玛勇，不是吹牛。那天最后一只还在天上飞的风筝，是阿米尔放的。他还得到最后那只风筝，把它带回家，一只漂亮的蓝风筝。哈桑和阿米尔一起追回来的。”
“There must have been a hundred kites in the sky that day?” Baba said. “Is that about right, Amir?”
“那天天上一定有一百只风筝吧？”爸爸说，“对吗，阿米尔？”
“I guess so,” I mumbled.
“我想应该有的。”我喃喃说。
“Congratulations,” Kaka Homayoun said. His first wife, the one with the warts, clapped her hands. “Wah wah, Amir jan, we’re all so proud of you!” she said. The younger wife joined in. Then they were all clapping, yelping their praises, telling me how proud I’d made them all. Only Rahim Khan, sitting in the passenger seat next to Baba, was silent. He was looking at me in an odd way.
“恭喜恭喜。”霍玛勇叔叔说。他的第一个老婆，手上生瘤那个，拍起掌来：“哇，哇，亲爱的阿米尔，我们都为你感到骄傲！”年轻的老婆也加入了，然后他们全都鼓掌，欢喜赞叹，告诉我他们有多么以我为荣。只有拉辛汗，坐在副驾驶的位子上，紧邻着爸爸，一言不发。他的眼神奇怪地看着我。
“Please pull over, Baba,” I said.
“请停一停，爸爸。”我说。
“What?”
“干吗？”
“Getting sick,” I muttered, leaning across the seat, pressing against Kaka Homayoun’s daughters.
“我晕车。”我喃喃说，倒在座位上，靠着霍玛勇叔叔的女儿。
Baba began to pull over, but I didn’t make it. A few minutes later, I was sitting on a rock on the side of the road as they aired out the van. Baba was smoking with Kaka Homayoun who was telling Fazila/Karima to stop crying; he’d buy her another dress in Jalalabad. I closed my eyes, turned my face to the sun. Little shapes formed behind my eyelids, like hands playing shadows on the wall. They twisted, merged, formed a single image: Hassan’s brown corduroy pants discarded on a pile of old bricks in the alley.
爸爸开始刹车，但我没能撑住。隔了几分钟，我坐在路边的一块石头上，他们让风吹散车里的气味。爸爸吸着烟，跟霍玛勇叔叔在一起，他正在安慰法茜拉或者卡丽玛，要她别哭泣，说到了贾拉拉巴德再给她另买一套新衣服。我合上双眼，把脸对着太阳。眼睑后面出现一小片阴影，好像用手在墙上玩影子那样，它们扭曲着，混合着，变成一副画面：哈桑的棕色灯芯绒裤子，扔在那条小巷的一堆旧砖头上面。
Fazilal/Karima’s face twisted. “Pull over, Kaka! His face is yellow! I don’t want him throwing up on my new dress!” she squealed.
法茜拉或卡丽玛脸色一变。“快停，叔叔！他脸色都黄了！我可不希望他弄脏我的新衣服！”她尖叫道。
KAKA HOMAYOUN’S WHITE, two-story house in Jalalabad had a balcony overlooking a large, walled garden with apple and persimmon trees. There were hedges that, in the summer, the gardener shaped like animals, and a swimming pool with emeraldcolored tiles. I sat on the edge of the pool, empty save for a layer of slushy snow at the bottom, feet dangling in. Kaka Homayoun’s kids were playing hide-and-seek at the other end of the yard. The women were cooking and I could smell onions frying already, could hear the phht-phht of a pressure cooker, music, laughter. Baba, Rahim Khan, Kaka Homayoun, and Kaka Nader were sitting on the balcony, smoking. Kaka Homayoun was telling them he’d brought the projector along to show his slides of France. Ten years since he’d returned from Paris and he was still showing those stupid slides.
霍玛勇叔叔在贾拉拉巴德的白色房子楼高两层，带有阳台，从上面可以看到一个大花园，有围墙环绕，种着苹果树和柿子树。那儿还植有树篱，到了夏天，园丁会将其剪成动物形状。此外还有个铺着翡翠绿瓷砖的游泳池。游泳池没有水，底部积着一层半融的雪，我坐在池边，双脚在池里晃荡。霍玛勇叔叔的孩子在院子的另外一端玩捉迷藏。妇女在厨房做饭，我闻到炒洋葱的味道，听到高压锅扑哧扑哧的声音，还有音乐声和笑声。爸爸、拉辛汗、霍玛勇叔叔、纳德叔叔坐在阳台上抽烟。霍玛勇叔叔说他带了投影机，可以放他在法国的幻灯片给大家看。他从巴黎回来已经十年了，还在炫耀那些愚蠢的幻灯片。
The wives and daughters served dinner-rice, kofta, and chicken _qurma_ — at sundown. We dined the traditional way, sitting on cushions around the room, tablecloth spread on the floor, eating with our hands in groups of four or five from common platters. I wasn’t hungry but sat down to eat anyway with Baba, Kaka Faruq, and Kaka Homayoun’s two boys. Baba, who’d had a few scotches before dinner, was still ranting about the kite tournament, how I’d outlasted them all, how I’d come home with the last kite. His booming voice dominated the room. People raised their heads from their platters, called out their congratulations. Kaka Faruq patted my back with his clean hand. I felt like sticking a knife in my eye.
黄昏的时候，诸位太太和女儿张罗着晚餐——米饭、馕饼肉丸，还有咖喱鸡肉。我们按照传统的方式用膳，在地面铺上桌布，坐在遍布房间的坐垫上，每四人或者五人共用一个大浅盘，用手抓着东西吃。我不饿，不过还是坐下了，跟爸爸、法拉克，还有霍玛勇叔叔的两个儿子一起。爸爸在晚饭前喝了一点烈酒，还在跟他们吹嘘风筝比赛，活灵活现地描述我如何将其他人统统打败，如何带着最后那只风筝回家。人们从大浅盘抬起头来，纷纷向我道贺，法拉克叔叔用他那只干净的手拍拍我的后背。我感觉好像有把刀子刺进眼睛。
It shouldn’t have felt this way. Baba and I were finally friends. We’d gone to the zoo a few days before, seen Marjan the lion, and I had hurled a pebble at the bear when no one was watching. We’d gone to Dadkhoda’s Kabob House afterward, across from Cinema Park, had lamb kabob with freshly baked _naan_ from the tandoor. Baba told me stories of his travels to India and Russia, the people he had met, like the armless, legless couple in Bombay who’d been married forty-seven years and raised eleven children. That should have been fun, spending a day like that with Baba, hearing his stories. I finally had what I’d wanted all those years. Except now that I had it, I felt as empty as this unkempt pool I was dangling my legs into.
事情本来不应该是这样的。爸爸和我终于变成朋友了，几天前我们去了动物园，看那头叫“玛扬”的狮子，我趁没人注意，还朝熊扔了一块石头。之后，我们去电影院公园对面那家“达克达”烤肉店吃饭，点了烤羊肉和从那个印度烤炉取下来的馕饼。爸爸跟我说他去印度和俄罗斯的故事，给我讲他碰到的人，比如说他在孟买看到一对夫妇，没手没脚，结婚已经四十七年，还养了十一个孩子。跟爸爸这样过上一天，听他讲故事，太有趣了。我终于得到了我多年来梦寐以求的东西。可是现在我得到了，却觉得十分空虚，跟这个我在里面摇晃双腿的游泳池一样。【注：①印度城市】
“I watched Hassan get raped,” I said to no one. Baba stirred in his sleep. Kaka Homayoun grunted. A part of me was hoping someone would wake up and hear, so I wouldn’t have to live with this lie anymore. But no one woke up and in the silence that followed, I understood the nature of my new curse: I was going to get away with it.
“我看着哈桑被人强暴。”我自说自话。爸爸在梦里翻身，霍玛勇叔叔在说呓语。有一部分的我渴望有人醒来听我诉说，以便我可以不再背负着这个谎言度日。但没有人醒来，在随后而来的寂静中，我明白这是个下在我身上的咒语，终此一生，我将背负着这个谎言。
I thought about Hassan’s dream, the one about us swimming in the lake. There is no monster, he’d said, just water. Except he’d been wrong about that. There was a monster in the lake. It had grabbed Hassan by the ankles, dragged him to the murky bottom. I was that monster.
我想起哈桑的梦，那个我们在湖里游泳的梦。那儿没有鬼怪。他说，只有湖水。但是他错了。湖里有鬼怪，它抓住哈桑的脚踝，将他拉进暗无天日的湖底。我就是那个鬼怪。
That was the night I became an insomniac.
自从那夜起，我得了失眠症。
Later, well past midnight, after a few hours of poker between Baba and his cousins, the men lay down to sleep on parallel mattresses in the same room where we’d dined. The women went upstairs. An hour later, I still couldn’t sleep. I kept tossing and turning as my relatives grunted, sighed, and snored in their sleep. I sat up. A wedge of moonlight streamed in through the window.
后来，午夜过后，爸爸和他的亲戚玩了几个小时的扑克，终于在我们吃饭那间房子倒下，躺在平行摆放的地毯上呼呼入睡。妇女则到楼上去。过了一个钟头，我仍睡不着。各位亲戚在睡梦中或咕哝，或叹气，或打鼾，我翻来覆去。我坐起身，一缕月光穿过窗户，弥漫进来。
MY MEMORY OF THE REST of that winter of 1975 is pretty hazy. I remember I was fairly happy when Baba was home. We’d eat together, go to see a film, visit Kaka Homayoun or Kaka Faruq. Sometimes Rahim Khan came over and Baba let me sit in his study and sip tea with them. He’d even have me read him some of my stories. It was good and I even believed it would last. And Baba believed it too, I think. We both should have known better. For at least a few months after the kite tournament, Baba and I immersed ourselves in a sweet illusion, saw each other in a way that we never had before. We’d actually deceived ourselves into thinking that a toy made of tissue paper, glue, and bamboo could somehow close the chasm between us.
1975年冬天剩下的那些日子在我记忆里面十分模糊。我记得每当爸爸在家，我就十分高兴。我们会一起吃饭，一起看电影，一起拜访霍玛勇叔叔或者法拉克叔叔。有时拉辛汗来访，爸爸也会让我在书房里喝茶。他甚至还让我念些自己写的故事给他听。一切都很美好，我甚至相信这会永恒不变。爸爸也这么想，我认为。我们彼此更加了解。至少，在风筝大赛之后的几个月里，爸爸和我相互抱有甜蜜的幻想，以某种我们过去从未有过的方式相处。我们其实在欺骗自己，居然认为一个用棉纸、胶水和竹子做的玩具，能弥合两人之间的鸿沟。
I DIDN’T SPEAK TO HASSAN until the middle of the next week. I had just half-eaten my lunch and Hassan was doing the dishes. I was walking upstairs, going to my room, when Hassan asked if I wanted to hike up the hill. I said I was tired. Hassan looked tired too — he’d lost weight and gray circles had formed under his puffed-up eyes. But when he asked again, I reluctantly agreed.
又隔了半个星期，我才开口跟哈桑说话。当时我的午餐吃到一半，哈桑在收拾碟子。我走上楼梯，回房间去，哈桑问我想不想去爬山。我说我累了。哈桑看起来也很累——他消瘦了，双眼泡肿，下面还有灰白的眼圈。但他又问了一次，我勉为其难地答应了。
We trekked up the hill, our boots squishing in the muddy snow. Neither one of us said anything. We sat under our pomegranate tree and I knew I’d made a mistake. I shouldn’t have come up the hill. The words I’d carved on the tree trunk with Ali’s kitchen knife, Amir and Hassan: The Sultans of Kabul… I couldn’t stand looking at them now.
我们爬上那座山，靴子踩在泥泞的雪花上吱嘎吱嘎响。没有人开口说话。我们坐在我们的石榴树下，我知道自己犯了个错误。我不应到山上来。我用阿里的菜刀在树干上刻下的字迹犹在：阿米尔和哈桑，喀布尔的苏丹…现在我无法忍受看到这些字。
He asked me to read to him from the _Shahnamah_ and I told him I’d changed my mind. Told him I just wanted to go back to my room. He looked away and shrugged. We walked back down the way we’d gone up in silence. And for the first time in my life, I couldn’t wait for spring.
他求我念《沙纳玛》给他听，我说我改变主意了。告诉他我只想走回自己的房间去。他望着远方，耸耸肩。我们沿着那条来路走下，没有人说话。我生命中第一次渴望春天早点到来。
To my dismay, Hassan kept trying to rekindle things between us. I remember the last time. I was in my room, reading an abbreviated Farsi translation of Ivanhoe, when he knocked on my door.
让我难堪的是，哈桑尽一切努力，想恢复我们的关系。我记得最后一次，我在自己的房间里，看着法尔西语节译本的《劫后英雄传》①，他来敲我的门。【注：苏格兰作家瓦尔特·司各特（Sir Walter Scott，1771～1832）著，讲述中世纪英格兰的骑士故事。】
But when Baba was out — and he was out a lot — I closed myself in my room. I read a book every couple of days, wrote stories, learned to draw horses. I’d hear Hassan shuffling around the kitchen in the morning, hear the clinking of silverware, the whistle of the teapot. I’d wait to hear the door shut and only then I would walk down to eat. On my calendar, I circled the date of the first day of school and began a countdown.
可是，每当爸爸不在——他经常不在家——我便将自己锁在房间里面。我几天就看完一本书，写故事，学着画马匹。每天早晨，我会听见哈桑在厨房忙上忙下，听见银器碰撞的叮当声，还有茶壶烧水的嘶嘶声。我会等着，直到他把房门关上，我才会下楼吃饭。我在日历上圈出开学那天，开始倒数上课的日子。
“It’s a sunny day,” he said.
“今天阳光很好。”他说。
“Might be fun to go for a walk.”
“也许出去走走会很好玩。”
“I’m going to the baker to buy _naan_,” he said from the other side. “I was wondering if you… if you wanted to come along.”
“我要去烘焙房买馕饼，”他在门外说，“我来…问问要不要一起去。”
“I think I’m just going to read,” I said, rubbing my temples. Lately, every time Hassan was around, I was getting a headache.
“我觉得我只想看书，”我说，用手揉揉太阳穴。后来，每次哈桑在我身边，我就头痛。
“What is it?”
“谁？”
“You go.”
“你去吧。”
“I can see that.”
“我知道。”
“I wish you’d come along,” he said. Paused. Something thumped against the door, maybe his forehead. “I don’t know what I’ve done, Amir agha. I wish you’d tell me. I don’t know why we don’t play anymore.”
“我希望你也去。”他说。停了一会儿，不知道什么东西又在撞着门，也许是他的额头。“我不知道自己做错了什么，阿米尔少爷。你希望你告诉我。我不知道为什么我们不再一起玩了。”
“You haven’t done anything, Hassan. Just go.”
“你没有做错任何事情，哈桑，你走开。”
I buried my head in my lap, squeezed my temples with my knees, like a vice. “I’ll tell you what I want you to stop doing,” I said, eyes pressed shut.
我将头埋在双腿间，用膝盖挤着太阳穴。“我会告诉你我希望你别做什么。”我说，双眼紧紧闭上。
“You can tell me, I’ll stop doing it.”
“你可以告诉我，我会改的。”
HASSAN MILLED ABOUT the periphery of my life after that. I made sure our paths crossed as little as possible, planned my day that way. Because when he was around, the oxygen seeped out of the room. My chest tightened and I couldn’t draw enough air; I’d stand there, gasping in my own little airless bubble of atmosphere. But even when he wasn’t around, he was. He was there in the hand-washed and ironed clothes on the cane-seat chair, in the warm slippers left outside my door, in the wood already burning in the stove when I came down for breakfast. Everywhere I turned, I saw signs of his loyalty, his goddamn unwavering loyalty.
自那以后，哈桑搅乱了我的生活。我每天尽可能不跟他照面，并以此安排自己的生活。因为每当他在旁边，房间里的氧气就会消耗殆尽。我的胸口会收缩，无法呼吸；我会站在那儿，被一些没有空气的泡泡包围，喘息着。可就算他不在我身边，我仍然感觉到他在，他就在那儿，在藤椅上那些他亲手浆洗和熨烫的衣服上，在那双摆在我门外的温暖的便鞋里面，每当我下楼吃早餐，他就在火炉里那些熊熊燃烧的木头上。无论我走到哪儿，都能看见他忠心耿耿的信号，他那该死的、毫不动摇的忠心。
“Anything.”
“你说吧。”
“I want you to stop harassing me. I want you to go away,” I snapped. I wished he would give it right back to me, break the door open and tell me off — it would have made things easier, better. But he didn’t do anything like that, and when I opened the door minutes later, he wasn’t there. I fell on my bed, buried my head under the pillow, and cried.
“我要你别再骚扰我，我要你走开。”我不耐烦地说。我希望他会报复我，破门而入，将我臭骂一顿——这样事情会变得容易一些，变得好一些。但他没有那样做，隔了几分钟，我打开门，他已经不在了。我倒在自己的床上，将头埋在枕上，眼泪直流。
He dropped the tulip bulb and buried the trowel in the dirt. Took off his gardening gloves. I’d startled him. “Chi? What did you say?”
他扔下球茎，把铲子插在泥土中，扔掉手里的工作手套，看来我让他大吃一惊，“什么？你刚才说什么？”
“Is this about you and Hassan? I know there’s something going on between you two, but whatever it is, you have to deal with it, not me. I’m staying out of it.”
“是因为你和哈桑吗？我知道你们之间有问题，但不管那是什么问题，应该处理它的人是你，不是我。我会袖手旁观。”
“I was just wondering, that’s all.”
“我只是想想而已，没别的。”
“Why would I ever want to do that?” Baba said curtly.
“为什么我要那样做？”爸爸粗声说。
Early that spring, a few days before the new school year started, Baba and I were planting tulips in the garden. Most of the snow had melted and the hills in the north were already dotted with patches of green grass. It was a cool, gray morning, and Baba was squatting next to me, digging the soil and planting the bulbs I handed to him. He was telling me how most people thought it was better to plant tulips in the fall and how that wasn’t true, when I came right out and said it. “Baba, have you ever thought about get ting new servants?”
那年早春，距开学还有几天，爸爸和我在花园里种郁金香。大部分积雪已经融化，北边的山头开始露出一片片如茵绿草。那是个寒冷、阴沉的早晨，爸爸在我身旁，一边说话，一边掘开泥土，把我递给他的球茎种下。他告诉我，有很多人都以为秋天是种植郁金香的最好季节，然而那是错的。这当头，我问了他一个问题：“爸爸，你有没有想过请新的佣人？”
“You wouldn’t, I guess. It was just a question,” I said, my voice fading to a murmur. I was already sorry I’d said it.
“你不会，我想。那只是一个问题而已。”我说，声音降低了。我已经后悔自己那样说了。
He put on his gloves again. “I grew up with Ali,” he said through clenched teeth. “My father took him in, he loved Ali like his own son. Forty years Ali’s been with my family. Forty goddamn years. And you think I’m just going to throw him out?” He turned to me now, his face as red as a tulip. “I’ve never laid a hand on you, Amir, but you ever say that again…” He looked away, shaking his head. “You bring me shame. And Hassan… Hassan’s not going anywhere, do you understand?”
他又戴上手套。“我和阿里一起长大。”他咬牙切齿地说，“我爸爸将他带回家，他对阿里视如己出。阿里待在我家四十年了，整整四十年。而你认为我会将他赶走？”他转向我，脸红得像郁金香一样，“我不会碰你一下，阿米尔，但你要是胆敢再说一次…”他移开眼睛，摇摇头，“你真让我觉得羞耻。至于哈桑…哈桑哪里也不去。你知不知道？”
I looked down and picked up a fistful of cool soil. Let it pour between my fingers.
我望着地面，手里抓起一把冷冷的泥土，任由它从我指缝间滑落。
“I’m sorry, Baba.”
“对不起，爸爸。”
“I said, Do you understand?” Baba roared.
“我说，你知不知道？”爸爸咆哮了。
“Hassan’s not going anywhere,” Baba snapped. He dug a new hole with the trowel, striking the dirt harder than he had to. “He’s staying right here with us, where he belongs. This is his home and we’re his family. Don’t you ever ask me that question again!”
“哈桑哪儿都不去，”爸爸愤怒地说，他拿起铲子，在地上又掘了一个坑，用比刚才更大的力气将泥土铲开，“他就在这儿陪着我们，他属于这儿。这里是他的家，我们是他的家人。以后别再问我这样的问题！”
“I won’t, Baba. I’m sorry.”
“不会了，爸爸，对不起。”
I flinched. “Yes, Baba.”
我害怕了：“我知道，爸爸。”
We planted the rest of the tulips in silence.
他闷声把剩下的郁金香都种完。
I was relieved when school started that next week. Students with new notebooks and sharpened pencils in hand ambled about the courtyard, kicking up dust, chatting in groups, waiting for the class captains’ whistles. Baba drove down the dirt lane that led to the entrance. The school was an old two-story building with broken windows and dim, cobblestone hallways, patches of its original dull yellow paint still showing between sloughing chunks of plaster. Most of the boys walked to school, and Baba’s black Mustang drew more than one envious look. I should have been beaming with pride when he dropped me off — the old me would have — but all I could muster was a mild form of embarrassment. That and emptiness. Baba drove away without saying good-bye.
第二个星期，开学了，我如释重负。学生分到了新的笔记本，手里拿着削尖的铅笔，在操场上聚集在一起，踢起尘土，三五成群地交谈，等待班长的哨声。爸爸的车开上那条通向校门的土路。学校是座两层的古旧建筑，窗户漏风，鹅卵石砌成的门廊光线阴暗，在剥落的泥灰之间，还可以看见它原来的土黄色油漆。多数男孩走路上课，爸爸黑色的野马轿车引来的不仅仅是艳羡的眼光。本来他开车送我上学，我应该觉得很骄傲——过去的我就是这样——但如今我感到的只是有些尴尬，尴尬和空虚。爸爸连声“再见”都没说，就掉头离开。
One sluggish, hazy afternoon early that summer, I asked Hassan to go up the hill with me. Told him I wanted to read him a new story I’d written. He was hanging clothes to dry in the yard and I saw his eagerness in the harried way he finished the job.
那年初夏，某个让人昏昏欲睡的午后，我让哈桑跟我一起去爬山。告诉他我要给他念一个刚写的故事。他当时在院子里晾衣服，他手忙脚乱把衣服晾好的样子让我看到他的期待。
School gave me an excuse to stay in my room for long hours. And, for a while, it took my mind off what had happened that winter, what I had let happen. For a few weeks, I preoccupied myself with gravity and momentum, atoms and cells, the Anglo-Afghan wars, instead of thinking about Hassan and what had happened to him. But, always, my mind returned to the alley. To Hassan’s brown corduroy pants lying on the bricks. To the droplets of blood staining the snow dark red, almost black.
上学给了我长时间待在房间里头的借口。并且，确实有那么一阵，我忘记了冬天发生的那些事，那些我让它们发生的事。接连几个星期，我满脑子重力和动力，原子和细胞，英阿战争，不去想着哈桑，不去想他的遭遇。可是，我的思绪总是回到那条小巷。总是想到躺在砖头上的哈桑的棕色灯芯绒裤，想到那些将雪地染成暗红色、几乎是黑色的血滴。
We climbed the hill, making small talk. He asked about school, what I was learning, and I talked about my teachers, especially the mean math teacher who punished talkative students by sticking a metal rod between their fingers and then squeezing them together. Hassan winced at that, said he hoped I’d never have to experience it. I said I’d been lucky so far, knowing that luck had nothing to do with it. I had done my share of talking in class too. But my father was rich and everyone knew him, so I was spared the metal rod treatment.
我们爬上山，稍作交谈。他问起学校的事情，问起我在学什么，我谈起那些老师，尤其是那个严厉的数学老师，他惩罚那些多话的学生，将铁棍放在他们的指缝间，然后用力捏他们的手指。哈桑吓了一跳，说希望我永远不用被惩罚。我说我到目前为止都很幸运，不过我知道那和运气没什么关系。我也在课堂上讲话，但我的爸爸很有钱，人人认识他，所以我免受铁棍的刑罚。
I bypassed the customary comparing of kite-fighting scars and stood in line. The bell rang and we marched to our assigned class, filed in in pairs. I sat in the back row. As the Farsi teacher handed out our textbooks, I prayed for a heavy load of homework.
我没有像过去那样，跟人比较斗风筝的伤痕，而是站到队伍中去。钟声响起，我们鱼贯进入分配的教室，找座位坐好，我坐在教室后面。法尔西语老师分发课本的时候，我祈祷有做不完的作业。
We sat against the low cemetery wall under the shade thrown by the pomegranate tree. In another month or two, crops of scorched yellow weeds would blanket the hillside, but that year the spring showers had lasted longer than usual, nudging their way into early summer, and the grass was still green, peppered with tangles of wildflowers. Below us, Wazir Akbar Khan’s white walled, flat-topped houses gleamed in the sunshine, the laundry hanging on clotheslines in their yards stirred by the breeze to dance like butterflies.
我们坐在墓园低矮的围墙上，在石榴树的树影之下。再过一两个月，成片的焦黄野草会铺满山坡，但那年春天雨水绵绵，比往年持续得久，到了初夏也还不停地下着，杂草依然是绿色的，星星点点的野花散落其间。在我们下面，瓦兹尔·阿克巴·汗区的房子平顶白墙，被阳光照得闪闪发亮；院子里的晾衣线挂满衣物，在和风的吹拂中如蝴蝶般翩翩起舞。
We had picked a dozen pomegranates from the tree. I unfolded the story I’d brought along, turned to the first page, then put it down. I stood up and picked up an overripe pomegranate that had fallen to the ground.
我们从树上摘了十来个石榴。我打开带来那本故事书，翻到第一页，然后又把书放下。我站起身来，捡起一个熟透了的跌落在地面的石榴。
“What would you do if I hit you with this?” I said, tossing the fruit up and down.
“要是我拿这个打你，你会怎么做啊？”我说，石榴在手里抛上抛下。
Hassan’s smile wilted. He looked older than I’d remembered. No, not older, old. Was that possible? Lines had etched into his tanned face and creases framed his eyes, his mouth. I might as well have taken a knife and carved those lines myself.
哈桑的笑容枯萎了。他看起来比我记得的要大，不，不是大，是老。怎么会这样呢？皱纹爬上他那张饱经风吹日晒的脸，爬过他的眼角，他的唇边。也许那些皱纹，正是我亲手拿刀刻出来的。
The color fell from his face. Next to him, the stapled pages of the story I’d promised to read him fluttered in the breeze. I hurled the pomegranate at him. It struck him in the chest, exploded in a spray of red pulp. Hassan’s cry was pregnant with surprise and pain.
他脸无血色。我答应要念给他听的那本故事书在他脚下，书页被微风吹得劈啪响。我朝他扔了个石榴，打中他的胸膛，爆裂出红色的果肉。哈桑又惊又痛，放声大哭。
“What would you do?” I repeated.
“你会怎么做呢？”我重复。
“Hit me back!” I snapped. Hassan looked from the stain on his chest to me.
“还手啊！”我咆哮着。哈桑看看胸前的污渍，又看看我。
“Get up! Hit me!” I said. Hassan did get up, but he just stood there, looking dazed like a man dragged into the ocean by a riptide when, just a moment ago, he was enjoying a nice stroll on the beach.
“起来！打我！”我说。哈桑站起来了，但他只是站在那儿，露出茫然失措的表情，好比一个男人，刚才还在海滩愉快地散步，此刻却被浪花卷到大洋中间。
I don’t know how many times I hit him. All I know is that, when I finally stopped, exhausted and panting, Hassan was smeared in red like he’d been shot by a firing squad. I fell to my knees, tired, spent, frustrated.
我不知道自己击中他多少次。我所知道的是，当我终于停下来，筋疲力尽，气喘吁吁，哈桑浑身血红，仿佛被一队士兵射击过那样。我双足跪倒，疲累不堪，垂头丧气。
I hit him with another pomegranate, in the shoulder this time. The juice splattered his face. “Hit me back!” I spat. “Hit me back, goddamn you!” I wished he would. I wished he’d give me the punishment I craved, so maybe I’d finally sleep at night. Maybe then things could return to how they used to be between us. But Hassan did nothing as I pelted him again and again. “You’re a coward!” I said. “Nothing but a goddamn coward!”
我又扔出一个石榴，这次打在他的肩膀上，果汁染上他的脸。“还手！”我大喊，“还手，你这个该死的家伙！”我希望他还击。我希望他满足我的愿望，好好惩罚我，这样我晚上就能睡着了。也许到时事情就会回到我们以前那个样子。但哈桑纹丝不动，任由我一次又一次扔他。“你是个懦夫！”我说，“你什么都不是，只是个该死的懦夫！”
I TURNED THIRTEEN that summer of 1976, Afghanistan’s next to last summer of peace and anonymity. Things between Baba and me were already cooling off again. I think what started it was the stupid comment I’d made the day we were planting tulips, about getting new servants. I regretted saying it — I really did — but I think even if I hadn’t, our happy little interlude would have come to an end. Maybe not quite so soon, but it would have. By the end of the summer, the scraping of spoon and fork against the plate had replaced dinner table chatter and Baba had resumed retreating to his study after supper. And closing the door. I’d gone back to thumbing through Hfez and Khayyám, gnawing my nails down to the cuticles, writing stories. I kept the stories in a stack under my bed, keeping them just in case, though I doubted Baba would ever again ask me to read them to him.
我的十三岁生日在1976年夏天。这是阿富汗最后一段平静的和平岁月。我和爸爸的关系再度冷却了。我想这都是因为在我们种郁金香那天我所说的那句愚蠢的话，关于请新仆人的那句话。我后悔说了那句话——真的很后悔——但我认为即使我没说，我们这段短短的快乐插曲也会告终。也许不会这么快，但终究会结束。到夏天结束的时候，勺子和叉子碰撞盘子的声音又取代了晚餐桌上的交谈，爸爸开始在晚饭后回到书房去，并把门关上。我则回去翻看哈菲兹和迦亚谟的书，咬指甲咬到见皮，写故事。我将故事放在床底的架子上，将它们保留起来，以备万一爸爸会跟我要去看，虽然我怀疑他不会。
I let the tears break free, rocked back and forth on my knees. “What am I going to do with you, Hassan? What am I going to do with you?” But by the time the tears dried up and I trudged down the hill, I knew the answer to that question.
我任由泪水决堤，跪在地上，身体前后摇晃。“我该拿你怎么办，哈桑？我该拿你怎么办？”但等到泪痕风干，我脚步沉重地走回家，我找到了答案。
Then Hassan did pick up a pomegranate. He walked toward me. He opened it and crushed it against his own forehead. “There,” he croaked, red dripping down his face like blood. “Are you satisfied? Do you feel better?” He turned around and started down the hill.
然后哈桑捡起一个石榴。他朝我走来，将它掰开，在额头上磨碎。“那么，”他哽咽着，红色的石榴汁如同鲜血一样从他脸上滴下来。“你满意了吧？你觉得好受了吗？”他转过身，朝山下走去。
Baba’s motto about throwing parties was this: Invite the whole world or it’s not a party. I remember scanning over the invitation list a week before my birthday party and not recognizing at least three-quarters of the four hundred — plus Kakas and Khalas who were going to bring me gifts and congratulate me for having lived to thirteen. Then I realized they weren’t really coming for me. It was my birthday, but I knew who the real star of the show was.
爸爸举办宴会的座右铭是：如果没请来全世界的人，就不算是个宴会。我记得生日之前一个星期，我看着那份邀请名单，发现在近四百人中，至少有四分之三我并不认识——包括那些将要送我生日礼物以祝贺我活过十三个年头的叔伯姑姨。然后我意识到他们并非真的因我而来。那天是我的生日，但我知道谁才是宴会上的天皇巨星。
For days, the house was teeming with Baba’s hired help. There was Salahuddin the butcher, who showed up with a calf and two sheep in tow, refusing payment for any of the three. He slaughtered the animals himself in the yard by a poplar tree. “Blood is good for the tree,” I remember him saying as the grass around the poplar soaked red. Men I didn’t know climbed the oak trees with coils of small electric bulbs and meters of extension cords. Others set up dozens of tables in the yard, spread a tablecloth on each. The night before the big party Baba’s friend Del-Muhammad, who owned a kabob house in Shar-e-Nau, came to the house with his bags of spices. Like the butcher, Del-Muhammad-or Dello, as Baba called him-refused payment for his services. He said Baba had done enough for his family already. It was Rahim Khan who whispered to me, as Dello marinated the meat, that Baba had lent Dello the money to open his restaurant. Baba had refused repayment until Dello had shown up one day in our driveway in a Benzand insisted he wouldn’t leave until Baba took his money.
一连数天，屋子里挤满了爸爸请来的帮手。有个叫萨拉胡丁的屠夫拖来一头小牛和两只绵羊，拒绝收下哪怕一分钱。他亲自在院子里的白杨树下宰了那些畜生。“用血浇灌对树有好处。”我记得鲜血染红树下的青草时，他这么说。有些我不认识的男人爬上橡树，挂上成串的灯泡和长长的电线。其他人在院子里摆出几十张桌子，逐一披上桌布。盛宴开始之前一夜，爸爸的朋友德尔·穆罕默德带来几袋香料，他在沙里诺区开了一间烧烤店。跟屠夫一样，德尔·穆罕默德——爸爸管他叫“德罗”——也拒绝收钱。他说爸爸已经帮了他家里太多忙了。德罗在腌肉的时候，拉辛汗低声告诉我，德罗开餐厅的钱是爸爸借给他的，并且没有要他还钱。直到有一天，德罗开着奔驰轿车，来到我家门口，说要是爸爸不收钱他就不走，爸爸这才收下。
I guess in most ways, or at least in the ways in which parties are judged, my birthday bash was a huge success. I’d never seen the house so packed. Guests with drinks in hand were chatting in the hallways, smoking on the stairs, leaning against doorways. They sat where they found space, on kitchen counters, in the foyer, even under the stairwell. In the backyard, they mingled under the glow of blue, red, and green lights winking in the trees, their faces illuminated by the light of kerosene torches propped everywhere. Baba had had a stage built on the balcony that overlooked the garden and planted speakers throughout the yard. Ahmad Zahir was playing an accordion and singing on the stage over masses of dancing bodies.
我想从各个方面来说，或者至少从评价宴会的标准来说，我的生日盛宴称得上极为成功。我从来没有见到屋子里有那么多人。来宾或是手拿酒杯，在门廊聊天，或是在台阶上吸烟，或是倚着门口。他们找到空位就坐下，厨房的柜台上，门廊里面，甚至楼梯下面都坐满了人。院子里，蓝色的、红色的、绿色的灯泡在树上闪闪发光，人们在聚集在下面，四处点燃的煤油灯照亮他们的脸庞。爸爸把舞台设在俯览花园的阳台上，但扬声器布满整个院子。艾哈迈德·查希尔弹着手风琴，唱着歌，人们在舞台下面跳舞。
I had to greet each of the guests personally — Baba made sure of that; no one was going to gossip the next day about how he’d raised a son with no manners. I kissed hundreds of cheeks, hugged total strangers, thanked them for their gifts. My face ached from the strain of my plastered smile.
我不得不逐一跟来宾打招呼——爸爸这么要求，他可不希望翌日有人乱嚼舌头，说他养了个不懂礼貌的儿子。我亲了几百个脸颊，和所有的陌生人拥抱，感谢他们的礼物。我的脸因为僵硬的微笑而发痛。
I was standing with Baba in the yard near the bar when someone said, “Happy birthday, Amir.” It was Assef, with his parents. Assef’s father, Mahmood, was a short, lanky sort with dark skin and a narrow face. His mother, Tanya, was a small, nervous woman who smiled and blinked a lot. Assef was standing between the two of them now, grinning, looming over both, his arms resting on their shoulders. He led them toward us, like he had brought them here. Like he was the parent, and they his children. A wave of dizziness rushed through me. Baba thanked them for coming.
我跟爸爸站在院子里的酒吧前面，这当头有人说：“生日快乐，阿米尔。”是阿塞夫，还有他的父母。阿塞夫的父亲马赫穆德是矮个子，又矮又瘦，皮肤黝黑，脸部狭小。他的妈妈谭雅是个小妇人，神经兮兮，脸带微笑，不停眨眼。如今阿塞夫就站在他们两个之间，咧嘴笑着，居高临下，双手搂着他们的肩膀。他带着他们走过来，好像拎着他们过来一样，似乎他才是父亲，他们是孩子。我感到一阵眩晕。爸爸对他们的莅临表示感谢。
“I picked out your present myself,” Assef said. Tanya’s face twitched and her eyes flicked from Assef to me. She smiled, unconvincingly, and blinked. I wondered if Baba had noticed.
“我亲自给你挑选了礼物。”阿塞夫说。谭雅的脸抽动，眼光从阿塞夫身上移到我身上。她微笑着，显得有些勉强，眨着眼。我怀疑爸爸有没有看到。
Assef smiled. It was creepy how genuinely sweet he made it look. “Of course, Kaka jan.”
阿塞夫微笑，他甜蜜的笑容显得纯真无瑕，真叫人不寒而栗。“当然，亲爱的叔叔。”
“Right wing, as I recall?”
“我记得你踢右路？”
“Actually, I switched to center forward this year,” Assef said. “You get to score more that way. We’re playing the Mekro-Rayan team next week. Should be a good match. They have some good players.”
“是的，我今年改踢中场了。”阿塞夫说，“那样我就可以多进一些球了。我们下个星期跟梅寇拉扬队比赛。那会很精彩，他们有几个球员很棒。”
Baba nodded. “You know, I played center forward too when I was young.”
爸爸点点头：“你知道，我年轻的时候也踢中场。”
“Still playing soccer, Assef jan?” Baba said. He’d always wanted me to be friends with Assef.
“还玩足球吗，亲爱的阿塞夫？”爸爸说，他一直希望我跟阿塞夫交朋友。
“I’ll bet you still could if you wanted to,” Assef said. He favored Baba with a good-natured wink.
“我敢打赌，现在你要是愿意，也能踢。”阿塞夫说，他一脸天真地眨眨眼，拍爸爸的马屁。
Baba returned the wink. “I see your father has taught you his world-famous flattering ways.” He elbowed Assef’s father, almost knocked the little fellow down. Mahmood’s laughter was about as convincing as Tanya’s smile, and suddenly I wondered if maybe, on some level, their son frightened them. I tried to fake a smile, but all I could manage was a feeble upturning of the corners of my mouth — my stomach was turning at the sight of my father bonding with Assef.
爸爸也朝他眨眼：“我看你老爸已经把他举世闻名的拍马屁技术传给你了。”他用手肘碰碰阿塞夫的父亲，差点把那个小家伙撞倒。马赫穆德的笑声就像谭雅的微笑那样虚伪。突然之间，我在想，也许从某种程度上说，他们害怕自己的儿子。我试图装出一个笑容，但我所能做到的，只是勉强让嘴角往上翘了翘——看到爸爸和阿塞夫这么投机，我的胃翻动着。
“That sounds fun,” Baba said, beaming. “What do you think, Amir?”
“听起来很有趣。”爸爸说，双眼放光。“你觉得呢，阿米尔？”
“I don’t really like volleyball,” I muttered. I saw the light wink out of Baba’s eyes and an uncomfortable silence followed.
“我真的不喜欢排球。”我喃喃说，看到爸爸眼里的光芒消失了，接着是一阵令人不适的沉默。
“Nay, no harm done,” Assef said. “But you have an open invitation, Amir jan. Anyway, I heard you like to read so I brought you a book. One of my favorites.” He extended a wrapped birthday gift to me. “Happy birthday.”
“不，没关系。”阿塞夫说，“不过大门随时为你开放，亲爱的阿米尔。不管怎样，我听说你喜欢看书，所以我给你带了一本，我最喜欢的。”他将一份包扎好的礼物递给我，“生日快乐。”
“We’re thinking about playing a little game of volleyball tomorrow at my house,” Assef said. “Maybe you’ll join us. Bring Hassan if you want to.”
“我们打算明天在我家玩排球，”阿塞夫说，“也许你可以来一起玩，如果你愿意，也可以带上哈桑。”
He was dressed in a cotton shirt and blue slacks, a red silk tie and shiny black loafers. He smelled of cologne and his blond hair was neatly combed back. On the surface, he was the embodiment of every parent’s dream, a strong, tall, well-dressed and well-mannered boy with talent and striking looks, not to mention the wit to joke with an adult. But to me, his eyes betrayed him. When I looked into them, the facade faltered, revealed a glimpse of the madness hiding behind them.
他穿着棉布衬衣、蓝色裤子，系着红色领带，脚上是一双闪亮的黑色皮鞋。他身上散发着古龙水的香味，金黄色的头发整齐地梳向后面。就外表而言，他是每个父母梦想中的儿子：强壮，高大，衣冠楚楚，举止得体，英俊得令人吃惊，还富有才华，更不用说还能机智地跟大人打趣。但在我看来，他的眼睛出卖了他。我看着他的眼睛，看穿他虚有其表，有一种疯狂隐藏在他身内。
Assef shifted his eyes to me. “Wali and Kamal are here too. They wouldn’t miss your birthday for anything,” he said, laughter lurking just beneath the surface. I nodded silently.
阿塞夫把眼光移向我。“瓦里和卡莫也来了，他们怎么也不会错过你的生日。”他皮笑肉不笑地说。我默默点头。
“Sorry, Assefjan,” Baba said, shrugging. That stung, his apologizing for me.
“很抱歉，亲爱的阿塞夫。”爸爸说，耸耸肩。他替我道歉！那刺痛了我。
“Your present,” he said testily. “Assefjan is giving you a present.”
“你的礼物啊，”他不耐烦地说，“亲爱的阿塞夫给你送礼物呢。”
“Well?” Baba said.
“喂？”爸爸说。
“Aren’t you going to take it, Amir?” Baba was saying. “Huh?”
“怎么不收下，阿米尔？”爸爸说。“嗯？”
“Oh,” I said. I took the box from Assef and lowered my gaze. I wished I could be alone in my room, with my books, away from these people.
“哦。”我说，从阿塞夫手里接过那个盒子，放低视线。要是我能独自在房间里，陪着我的书，远离这些人就好了。
Baba spoke in a low voice, the one he took on whenever I embarrassed him in public. “Aren’t you going to thank Assef jan? That was very considerate of him.”
爸爸放低了声音，每次我当众给他难堪，他就会这样，“你不谢谢亲爱的阿塞夫吗？他太周到了。”
“What?”
“什么？”
I squirmed my way through the throng of guests and slipped through the wrought-iron gates. Two houses down from our house, there was a large, barren dirt lot. I’d heard Baba tell Rahim Khan that a judge had bought the land and that an architect was working on the design. For now, the lot was bare, save for dirt, stones, and weeds.
我从拥挤的宾客中走出来，偷偷溜出那扇锻铁大门。我们家往下两座房子，有一片很大的空地。我听爸爸告诉拉辛汗，有个法官买下了那片地，建筑师正在设计蓝图。现在，那块地皮是荒芜的，只有泥土、石块和野草。
I wished Baba would stop calling him that. How often did he call me “Amir jan”? “Thanks,” I said. Assef’s mother looked at me like she wanted to say something, but she didn’t, and I realized that neither of Assef’s parents had said a word. Before I could embarrass myself and Baba anymore — but mostly to get away from Assef and his grin — I stepped away. “Thanks for coming,” I said.
我希望爸爸别那样叫他，他叫过我几次“亲爱的阿米尔”呢？“谢谢。”我说。阿塞夫的母亲看着我，欲言又止。我意识到阿塞夫的双亲还没说过一句话。为了不再让我自己和爸爸难堪——但主要是因为不想看到阿塞夫和他的笑脸——我走开了。“谢谢你来。”我说。
I tore the wrapping paper from Assef’s present and tilted the book cover in the moonlight. It was a biography of Hitler. I threw it amid a tangle of weeds.
我扯开阿塞夫的礼物外面那层包装纸，借着月光端详书的封面。那是一本希特勒自传。我将它扔在杂草中。
I leaned against the neighbor’s wall, slid down to the ground. I just sat in the dark for a while, knees drawn to my chest, looking up at the stars, waiting for the night to be over.
我倚着邻居的墙壁，滑坐在地上，只是在黑暗中坐一会儿，膝盖抵着胸膛，抬眼望着星星，等着夜晚结束。
“They don’t need me for that. Baba’s there, remember?” I said. The ice in Rahim Khan’s drink clinked when he sat next to me. “I didn’t know you drank.”
“他们不用我陪。爸爸在那边呢，你忘了？”我说。拉辛汗酒杯中的冰块叮咚响，他坐在我身边。“我不知道原来你也喝酒。”
“Really?” I said, smiling a little at the notion of Rahim Khan getting married. I’d always thought of him as Baba’s quiet alter ego, my writing mentor, my pal, the one who never forgot to bring me a souvenir, a saughat, when he returned from a trip abroad. But a husband? A father?
“真的吗？”我说，想到拉辛汗也结婚，不由微微笑着。我一直当他是爸爸寡言的知交，我的写作导师，我的朋友，当他是那个每次到国外旅行总不忘给我买点小礼物的人。但是丈夫？父亲？
“Turns out I do,” he said. Elbowed me playfully. “But only on the most important occasions.”
“我喝酒，”他说，高兴地用手肘撞了我一下，“不过只有在重要的场合才喝。”
“Shouldn’t you be entertaining your guests?” a familiar voice said. Rahim Khan was walking toward me along the wall.
“你不用去陪你的客人吗？”一个熟悉的声音说，拉辛汗沿着墙壁朝我走来。
I smiled. “Thanks.”
我微笑：“谢谢。”
He tipped his drink to me and took a sip. He lit a cigarette, one of the unfiltered Pakistani cigarettes he and Baba were always smoking. “Did I ever tell you I was almost married once?”
他朝我举举杯，喝了一口。他点起一根香烟，没有过滤嘴的巴基斯坦香烟，他和爸爸总是抽这种。“我有没有告诉过你我差点就结婚了？”
“It won’t kill you,” he said, taking another puff. “Anyway, we had this fantasy. We’d have a great, fancy wedding and invite family and friends from Kabul to Kandahar. I would build us a big house, white with a tiled patio and large windows. We would plant fruit trees in the garden and grow all sorts of flowers, have a lawn for our kids to play on. On Fridays, after _namaz_ at the mosque, everyone would get together at our house for lunch and we’d eat in the garden, under cherry trees, drink fresh water from the well. Then tea with candy as we watched our kids play with their cousins…”
“那对你无害的，”他说，又喝了一口。“不管怎样，我们有着这样的幻想。我们会有一个盛大的、梦幻般的婚礼，从坎大哈和喀布尔请亲朋好友来参加。我会给我们盖一座大房子，白色的，露台铺着瓷砖，窗户很大。我们会在花园里种果树，还有各种各样的花儿，有一个草坪，我们的孩子在上面玩耍。星期五，在清真寺做过祷告之后，每个人会到我们家里吃午饭，我们在花园用膳，在樱桃树下，从井里打水喝。然后我们喝着茶，吃着糖果，看着我们的孩子跟亲戚的小孩玩…”
“A little,” I said.
“有一点点。”我说。
He nodded. “It’s true. I was eighteen. Her name was Homaira. She was a Hazara, the daughter of our neighbor’s servants. She was as beautiful as a pari, light brown hair, big hazel eyes… she had this laugh… I can still hear it sometimes.” He twirled his glass. “We used to meet secretly in my father’s apple orchards, always after midnight when everyone had gone to sleep. We’d walk under the trees and I’d hold her hand… Am I embarrassing you, Amir jan?”
他点点头：“真的。那年我十八岁。她的名字叫荷麦拉。她是哈扎拉人，我家邻居仆人的女儿。她像仙女一样好看，淡棕色的头发，褐色的大眼睛…她总是这样笑…我有时还能听到她的笑声。”他晃晃酒杯，“我们经常在我父亲的苹果园里幽会，总是在夜阑人静的时候。我们在树下聊天，我拉着她的手…我让你不好意思了吗，阿米尔？”
“That same day, my father put Homaira and her family on a lorry and sent them off to Hazarajat. I never saw her again.”
“就在那天，我爸爸将荷麦拉和她的家人赶上一辆货车，送他们去哈扎拉贾特。我再也没有见到过她。”
He took a long gulp of his scotch. Coughed. “You should have seen the look on my father’s face when I told him. My mother actually fainted. My sisters splashed her face with water. They fanned her and looked at me as if I had slit her throat. My brother Jalal actually went to fetch his hunting rifle before my father stopped him.” Rahim Khan barked a bitter laughter. “It was Homaira and me against the world. And I’ll tell you this, Amir jan: In the end, the world always wins. That’s just the way of things.”
他喝了一大口烈酒，咳嗽。“可惜你看不到我把这件事告诉我爸爸时他脸上的表情。我妈妈完全昏厥了，我的姐妹用冷水扑打她的脸，她们对着她扇风，仿佛我用刀子割了她的喉咙。要不是我爸爸及时阻止，我哥哥雅拉尔真的会去抓来他的猎枪。”拉辛汗说，带着痛苦的笑声，“我跟荷麦拉对抗着整个世界。并且我告诉你，亲爱的阿米尔，到了最后，总是这个世界赢得胜利。就这么回事。”
“I’m sorry,” I said.
“真遗憾。”我说。
“I know,” I said uncertainly. He looked at me for a long time, like he was waiting, his black bottomless eyes hinting at an unspoken secret between us. For a moment, I almost did tell him. Almost told him everything, but then what would he think of me? He’d hate me, and rightfully.
“我知道，”我惴惴地说。他久久看着我，似乎在等待；他黑色的眼睛深洞无底，隐藏着我们之间一个没有说出的秘密。那一刻，我差点就告诉他了，差点把什么都对他说，可是到时他会怎么看待我？他会恨我，而且合情合理。
“So what happened?”
“后来怎样呢？”
“Probably for the best, though,” Rahim Khan said, shrugging. “She would have suffered. My family would have never accepted her as an equal. You don’t order someone to polish your shoes one day and call them ‘sister’ the next.” He looked at me. “You know, you can tell me anything you want, Amir jan. Anytime.”
“不过这也许是最好的结果了，”拉辛汗说，耸耸肩。“她会受辱的。我的家人将永远不会平等对待她。你不会下令让某人替你擦鞋子，而当天晚些时候管她叫‘姐妹’。”他看着我，“你知道，你可以告诉我任何你想说的事情，亲爱的阿米尔，任何时候。”
“Fireworks!”
“烟花！”
We hurried back to the house and found the guests all standing in the yard, looking up to the sky. Kids hooted and screamed with each crackle and whoosh. People cheered, burst into applause each time flares sizzled and exploded into bouquets of fire. Every few seconds, the backyard lit up in sudden flashes of red, green, and yellow.
我们匆忙赶回家，发现所有的宾客都站在院子里，望着天空。每次爆裂和呼啸升空的声音，都会引来孩子们大声尖叫。每次火焰嘶嘶作响，爆裂开来，变成花束，都会引起人们欢呼，拍掌称好。每隔几秒钟，后院就会被突然爆发的火光点亮，有红的、绿的、黄的。
“Here.” He handed me something. “I almost forgot. Happy birthday.” It was a brown leather-bound notebook. I traced my fingers along the gold-colored stitching on the borders. I smelled the leather. “For your stories,” he said. I was going to thank him when something exploded and bursts of fire lit up the sky.
“给你，”他递给我某件东西，“我差点忘记了，生日快乐。”那是个棕色的皮面笔记本。我伸出手指，摸索着它镶着金线的边缘，闻到皮革的味道。“给你写故事用的。”他说。我刚要向他道谢，有些东西爆炸了，在天空中燃起火焰。
In one of those brief bursts of light, I saw something I’ll never forget: Hassan serving drinks to Assef and Wali from a silver platter. The light winked out, a hiss and a crackle, then another flicker of orange light: Assef grinning, kneading Hassan in the chest with a knuckle.
在一次短暂的闪光中，我看到永世不会忘记的情景：哈桑端着银盘，服侍阿塞夫和瓦里喝酒。那阵光芒消失了，又是一声嘶嘶，一声爆裂，接着是一道橙色的火光：阿塞夫狞笑着，用一根指节敲打着哈桑的胸膛。
Then, mercifully, darkness.
然后，天可怜见，什么都看不到了。
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