They won’t let me in.
他们不让我进去。
I see them wheel him through a set of double doors and I follow. I burst through the doors, the smell of iodine and peroxide hits me, but all I have time to see is two men wearing surgical caps and a woman in green huddling over a gurney. A white sheet spills over the side of the gurney and brushes against grimy checkered tiles. A pair of small, bloody feet poke out from under the sheet and I see that the big toenail on the left foot is chipped. Then a tall, thickset man in blue presses his palm against my chest and he’s pushing me back out through the doors, his wedding band cold on my skin. I shove forward and I curse him, but he says you cannot be here, he says it in English, his voice polite but firm. “You must wait,” he says, leading me back to the waiting area, and now the double doors swing shut behind him with a sigh and all I see is the top of the men’s surgical caps through the doors’ narrow rectangular windows.
我看见他们推着他，穿过一些双层门，我跟在后面，冲进一扇又一扇的门，闻到碘酒和消毒水的味道，但我所来得及看到的，是两个戴着手术帽的男人和一个穿着绿色衣服的女人围在轮床之上。我看见白色床单从轮床侧面垂落，拂着污秽的花格地砖。一双鲜血淋漓的小脚从床单下面伸出来，我看见左脚大脚趾的指甲被削掉了。接着有个穿蓝色衣服的高壮汉子用手掌压住我的胸口，将我从门口往后推，我的皮肤能感觉到他那冰凉的结婚戒指。我向前挣扎，咒骂他，但他用英语说你不能留在这儿，声音礼貌而坚决。“你必须等。”他说，领着我回到等候。现在双层门在他身后砰地关上，透过门上狭窄的长方形窗口，我只见到那男人的手术帽。
He leaves me in a wide, windowless corridor crammed with people sitting on metallic folding chairs set along the walls, others on the thin frayed carpet. I want to scream again, and I remember the last time I felt this way, riding with Baba in the tank of the fuel truck, buried in the dark with the other refugees. I want to tear myself from this place, from this reality, rise up like a cloud and float away, melt into this humid summer night and dissolve somewhere far, over the hills. But I am here, my legs blocks of concrete, my lungs empty of air, my throat burning. There will be no floating away. There will be no other reality tonight. I close my eyes and my nostrils fill with the smells of the corridor, sweat and ammonia, rubbing alcohol and curry. On the ceiling, moths fling themselves at the dull gray light tubes running the length of the corridor and I hear the papery flapping of their wings. I hear chatter, muted sobbing, sniffling, someone moaning, someone else sighing, elevator doors opening with a bing, the operator paging someone in Urdu.
他把我留在一条宽大的走廊上，没有窗，墙边的金属折叠椅上坐满了人，还有人坐在薄薄的破地毯上。我又想尖叫。我想起上次有这种感觉，是跟爸爸在油罐车的油罐里面，埋在黑暗和其他难民之间。我想把自己撕成碎片，离开这个地方，离开现实世界，像云朵那样升起，飘荡而去，融进湿热的夏夜，在某个遥远的地方，在山丘上方飘散。但我就在这儿，双脚沉重如水泥块，肺里空气一泻而空，喉咙发热。无法随风而去。今晚没有别的世界。我合上双眼，鼻子里塞满走廊的种种味道：汗水和氨水的气味、药用酒精和咖喱的气味。整条走廊的天花板上布满昏暗的灯管，飞蛾围绕，我听见它们拍打翅膀的声音。我听见谈话声、默默的啜泣声、擤鼻声；有人在呻吟，有人在哀叹，电梯门砰地一声打开，操作员用乌尔都语呼喊某人。
I throw my makeshift jai-namaz, my prayer rug, on the floor and I get on my knees, lower my forehead to the ground, my tears soaking through the sheet. I bow to the west. Then I remember I haven’t prayed for over fifteen years. I have long forgotten the words. But it doesn’t matter, I will utter those few words I still remember: La illaha il Allah, Muhammad u rasul ullah. There is no God but Allah and Muhammad is His messenger. I see now that Baba was wrong, there is a God, there always had been. I see Him here, in the eyes of the people in this corridor of desperation. This is the real house of God, this is where those who have lost God will find Him, not the white masjid with its bright diamond lights and towering minarets. There is a God, there has to be, and now I will pray, I will pray that He forgive that I have neglected Him all of these years, forgive that I have betrayed, lied, and sinned with impunity only to turn to Him now in my hour of need, I pray that He is as merciful, benevolent, and gracious as His book says He is. I bow to the west and kiss the ground and promise that I will do zakat, I will do namaz, I will fast during Ramadan and when Ramadan has passed I will go on fasting, I will commit to memory every last word of His holy book, and I will set on a pilgrimage to that sweltering city in the desert and bow before the Ka’bah too. I will do all of this and I will think of Him every day from this day on if He only grants me this one wish: My hands are stained with Hassan’s blood; I pray God doesn’t let them get stained with the blood of his boy too.
我在地面铺开那张滥竽充数的祷告毯，双膝跪倒，头磕在地上，泪水湿透了床单。我朝西弯下腰，那时我才想起自己已经不止十五年没祷告过了，早巳把祷词忘得一干二净。但这没有关系，我会说出依然记得的片言只语：惟安拉是真主，穆罕默德是他的使者。现在我明白爸爸错了，真主真的存在，一直存在。我看到他在这里，从这条绝望的走廊的人群眼里见到。这里才是真主真正的住所，正是在这里，而非在那些发出钻石般明亮光芒的尖塔耸立的清真寺，只有那些失去真主的人们才能找到真主。真主真的存在，他必须存在，而如今我将祷告，我会祈祷他原谅我这些年来对他的漠然不觉，原谅我曾经背叛、说谎、作恶而未受惩罚，只有在我的危难时刻才想起他。我祈祷他如经书记载的那样慈悲、仁爱、宽宏。我朝西方磕头，亲吻地面，承诺我将会施天课，将会每天祷告，承诺我在斋月期间将会素食，而当斋月结束，我会继续素食，我将会熟背他的圣书中每个字，我将会到沙漠中那座湿热难当的城市去朝圣，也会在天房之前磕头。我将会践行所有这些，从今日后，将会每天想起他，只要他实现我的这个愿望：我的手已经沾上哈桑的血，我祈求真主，别让它们也沾上这个小男孩的血。
I open my eyes again and I know what I have to do. I look around, my heart a jackhammer in my chest, blood thudding in my ears. There is a dark little supply room to my left. In it, I find what I need. It will do. I grab a white bedsheet from the pile of folded linens and carry it back to the corridor. I see a nurse talking to a policeman near the restroom. I take the nurse’s elbow and pull, I want to know which way is west. She doesn’t understand and the lines on her face deepen when she frowns. My throat aches and my eyes sting with sweat, each breath is like inhaling fire, and I think I am weeping. I ask again. I beg. The policeman is the one who points.
我再次睁开眼，知道自己该做些什么。我四周环顾，心脏怦怦地在胸口跳动，耳朵听得见血液流动的声音。我左边有间又暗又小的储藏室，我在里面找到自己想要的东西。用它就好了。我从一堆折叠好的白色尼龙床单中抽出一条，带回走廊。我看见护士在休息室附近和一名警察交谈。我拉拉那名护士的手肘，问她哪个方位是西边。她没听懂，眉头一皱，脸色的皱纹更深了。我喉咙发痛，汗水刺痛了双眼，每次呼吸都像在喷火，我想我在哭泣。我又问一声，苦苦哀求，警察把方向指给我。
I hear a whimpering and realize it is mine, my lips are salty with the tears trickling down my face. I feel the eyes of everyone in this corridor on me and still I bow to the west. I pray. I pray that my sins have not caught up with me the way I’d always feared they would.
我听到呜咽声，意识到正是自己发出来的，泪水从脸上汩汩而下，流过嘴唇，让我尝到咸味。我感到走廊上每个人都在看着我，而我依然朝西方磕头。我祈祷。我祈祷别以这种我向来害怕的方式惩罚我的罪行。
A STARLESS, BLACK NIGHT falls over Islamabad. It’s a few hours later and I am sitting now on the floor of a tiny lounge off the corridor that leads to the emergency ward. Before me is a dull brown coffee table cluttered with newspapers and dog-eared magazines — an April 1996 issue of Time; a Pakistani newspaper showing the face of a young boy who was hit and killed by a train the week before; an entertainment magazine with smiling Lollywood actors on its glossy cover. There is an old woman wearing a jade green shalwar-kameez and a crocheted shawl nodding off in a wheelchair across from me. Every once in a while, she stirs awake and mutters a prayer in Arabic. I wonder tiredly whose prayers will be heard tonight, hers or mine. I picture Sohrab’s face, the pointed meaty chin, his small seashell ears, his slanting bamboo-leaf eyes so much like his father’s. A sorrow as black as the night outside invades me, and I feel my throat clamping.
星光黯淡的黑夜降临在伊斯兰堡。过了数个钟头，我坐在走廊外面一间通往急诊室的小房间的地板上。在我身前是一张暗棕色的咖啡桌，上面摆着报纸和卷边的杂志——有本 1996年 4月的《时代》，一份巴基斯坦报纸，上面印着某个上星期被火车撞死的男孩的脸孔；一份娱乐杂志，平滑的封面印着微笑的罗丽坞男星。在我对面，有位老太太身穿碧绿的棉袍，戴着针织头巾，坐在轮椅上打瞌睡。每隔一会她就会惊醒，用阿拉伯语低声祷告。我疲惫地想，不知道今晚真主会听到谁的祈祷，她的还是我的？我想起索拉博的面容，那肉乎乎的尖下巴，海贝似的小耳朵，像极了他父亲的竹叶般眯斜的眼睛。一阵悲哀如同窗外的黑夜，漫过我全身，我觉得喉咙被掐住。
I need air. I get up and open the windows. The air coming through the screen is musty and hot — it smells of overripe dates and dung. I force it into my lungs in big heaps, but it doesn’t clear the clamping feeling in my chest. I drop back on the floor. I pick up the Time magazine and flip through the pages. But I can’t read, can’t focus on anything. So I toss it on the table and go back to staring at the zigzagging pattern of the cracks on the cement floor, at the cobwebs on the ceiling where the walls meet, at the dead flies littering the windowsill. Mostly, I stare at the clock on the wall. It’s just past 4 A. M. and I have been shut out of the room with the swinging double doors for over five hours now. I still haven’t heard any news.
我需要空气。我站起来，打开窗门。湿热的风带着发霉的味道从窗纱吹进来——闻起来像腐烂的椰枣和动物粪便。我大口将它吸进肺里，可是它没有消除胸口的窒闷。我颓然坐倒在地面，捡起那本《时代》杂志，随手翻阅。可是我看不进去，无法将注意力集中在任何东西上。所以我把它扔回桌子，怔怔望着水泥地面上弯弯曲曲的裂缝，还有窗台上散落的死苍蝇。更多的时候，我盯着墙上的时钟。刚过四点，我被关在双层门之外已经超过五个小时，仍没得到任何消息。
The floor beneath me begins to feel like part of my body, and my breathing is growing heavier, slower. I want to sleep, shut my eyes and lie my head down on this cold, dusty floor. Drift off. When I wake up, maybe I will discover that everything I saw in the hotel bathroom was part of a dream: the water drops dripping from the faucet and landing with a plink into the bloody bathwater; the left arm dangling over the side of the tub, the blood-soaked razor sitting on the toilet tank — the same razor I had shaved with the day before — and his eyes, still half open but lightless. That more than anything. I want to forget the eyes.
我开始觉得身下的地板变成身体的一部分，呼吸越来越沉重，越来越缓慢。我想睡觉，阖上双眼，把头放低在这满是尘灰的冰冷地面，昏然欲睡。也许当我醒来，会发现我在旅馆浴室看到的一切无非是一场梦：水从水龙头滴答落进血红的洗澡水里，他的左臂悬挂在浴缸外面，沾满鲜血的剃刀——就是那把我前一天用来刮胡子的剃刀——落在马桶的冲水槽上，而他的眼虽仍睁开一半，但眼神黯淡。
SOMEONE IS TAPPING ME on the shoulder. I open my eyes. There is a man kneeling beside me. He is wearing a cap like the men behind the swinging double doors and a paper surgical mask over his mouth — my heart sinks when I see a drop of blood on the mask. He has taped a picture of a doe-eyed little girl to his beeper. He unsnaps his mask and I’m glad I don’t have to look at Sohrab’s blood anymore. His skin is dark like the imported Swiss chocolate Hassan and I used to buy from the bazaar in Shar-e-Nau; he has thinning hair and hazel eyes topped with curved eyelashes. In a British accent, he tells me his name is Dr. Nawaz, and suddenly I want to be away from this man, because I don’t think I can bear to hear what he has come to tell me. He says the boy had cut himself deeply and had lost a great deal of blood and my mouth begins to mutter that prayer again: La illaha il Allah, Muhammad u rasul ullah. They had to transfuse several units of red cells — How will I tell Soraya? Twice, they had to revive him — I will do namaz, I will do zakat. They would have lost him if his heart hadn’t been young and strong — I will fast. He is alive.
有人在拍我的肩膀。我睁开眼，看到有个男人跪在我身边。他头上戴着帽子，很像双层门后面那个男人，脸上戴着手术口罩——看见口罩上有一滴血，我的心一沉。他的传呼机上贴着一张小姑娘的照片，眼神纯洁无瑕。他解下口罩，我很高兴自己再也不用看着索拉博的血了。他皮肤黝黑，像哈桑和我经常去沙里诺区市场买的那种从瑞士进口的巧克力；他头发稀疏，浅褐色的眼睛上面是弯弯的睫毛。他用带英国口音的英语告诉我，他叫纳瓦兹大夫。刹那间，我想远离这个男人，因为我认为我无法忍受他所要告诉我的事情。他说那男孩将自己割得很深，失血很多，我的嘴巴又开始念出祷词来：惟安拉是真主，穆罕默德是他的使者。他们不得不输入几个单位的红细胞…我该怎么告诉索拉雅？两次，他们不得不让他复苏过来…我会做祷告，我会做天课。如果他的心脏不是那么年轻而强壮，他们就救不活他了…我会茹素…他活着。
Soon, sleep comes and I let it take me. I dream of things I can’t remember later.
很快，睡意袭来，我任它将我占据。我梦到一些后来想不起来的事情。
Dr. Nawaz smiles. It takes me a moment to register what he has just said. Then he says more but I don’t hear him. Because I have taken his hands and I have brought them up to my face. I weep my relief into this stranger’s small, meaty hands and he says nothing now. He waits.
纳瓦兹大夫微笑。我花了好一会才弄明白刚才他所说的。然后他又说了几句，我没听到，因为我抓起他的双手，放在自己脸上。我用这个陌生人汗津津的手去抹自己的眼泪，而他没有说什么。他等着。
THE INTENSIVE CARE UNIT is L-shaped and dim, a jumble of bleeping monitors and whirring machines. Dr. Nawaz leads me between two rows of beds separated by white plastic curtains. Sohrab’s bed is the last one around the corner, the one nearest the nurses’ station where two nurses in green surgical scrubs are jotting notes on clipboards, chatting in low voices. On the silent ride up the elevator with Dr. Nawaz, I had thought I’d weep again when I saw Sohrab. But when I sit on the chair at the foot of his bed, looking at his white face through the tangle of gleaming plastic tubes and IV lines, I am dry-eyed. Watching his chest rise and fall to the rhythm of the hissing ventilator, a curious numbness washes over me, the same numbness a man might feel seconds after he has swerved his car and barely avoided a head-on collision.
重症病区呈 L形，很阴暗，充塞着很多哔哔叫的监视仪和呼呼响的器械。纳瓦兹大夫领着我走过两排用白色塑料帘幕隔开的病床。索拉博的病床是屋角最后那张，最接近护士站。两名身穿绿色手术袍的护士在夹纸板上记东西，低声交谈。我默默和纳瓦兹大夫从电梯上来，我以为我再次看到索拉博会哭。可是当我坐在他床脚的椅子上，透过悬挂着的泛着微光的塑料试管和输液管，我没流泪水。看着他的胸膛随着呼吸机的嘶嘶声有节奏地一起一伏，身上漫过一阵奇怪的麻木感觉，好像自己刚突然掉转车头，在干钧一发之际避过一场惨烈的车祸。
IN THE DAYTIME, the hospital was a maze of teeming, angled hallways, a blur of blazing-white overhead fluorescence. I came to know its layout, came to know that the fourth-floor button in the east wing elevator didn’t light up, that the door to the men’s room on that same floor was jammed and you had to ram your shoulder into it to open it. I came to know that hospital life has a rhythm, the flurry of activity just before the morning shift change, the midday hustle, the stillness and quiet of the late-night hours interrupted occasionally by a blur of doctors and nurses rushing to revive someone. I kept vigil at Sohrab’s bedside in the daytime and wandered through the hospital’s serpentine corridors at night, listening to my shoe heels clicking on the tiles, thinking of what I would say to Sohrab when he woke up. I’d end up back in the ICU, by the whooshing ventilator beside his bed, and I’d be no closer to knowing.
白天，医院是一座纵横交错的走廊组成的迷宫，荧光灯在人们头顶放射出耀眼的光芒，弄得人迷迷糊糊。我弄清楚了它的结构，知道东楼电梯那颗四楼的按钮不会亮，明白同一层的男厕的门卡住了，你得用肩膀去顶才能把它打开。我了解到医院的生活有它的节奏：每天早晨换班之前匆匆忙忙，白天手忙脚乱，而深夜则寂静无声，偶然有一群医师和护士跑过，去抢救某个病患。白天我警惕地守在索拉博床前，晚上则在医院曲折的走廊游荡，倾听我的鞋跟敲击地面的声音，想着当索拉博苏醒过来我该跟他说什么。最后我会走回重症病房，站在他床边嘶嘶作响的呼吸机，依然一筹莫展。
“You’d do well to get some sleep,” a nurse says to me. I don’t recognize her — there must have been a shift change while I’d napped. She takes me to another lounge, this one just outside the ICU. It’s empty. She hands me a pillow and a hospital-issue blanket. I thank her and lie on the vinyl sofa in the corner of the lounge. I fall asleep almost immediately.
“你最好睡一会。”有个护士对我说。我不认识她——我打盹时她们一定换班了。她把我带到另一间房，就在急救中心外面。里面没有人。她给我一个枕头，还有一床印有医院标记的毛毯。我谢过她，在屋角的塑胶皮沙发上躺下，几乎立刻就睡着了。
I dream I am back in the lounge downstairs. Dr. Nawaz walks in and I rise to meet him. He takes off his paper mask, his hands suddenly whiter than I remembered, his nails manicured, he has neatly parted hair, and I see he is not Dr. Nawaz at all but Raymond Andrews, the little embassy man with the potted tomatoes. Andrews cocks his head. Narrows his eyes.
我梦见自己回到楼下的休息室，纳瓦兹大夫走进来，我起身迎向他。他脱掉纸口罩，双手突然比我记得的要白，指甲修剪整洁，头发一丝不苟，而我发现他原来不是纳瓦兹大夫，而是雷蒙德·安德鲁，大使馆那个抚摸着番茄藤的小个子。安德鲁抬起头，眯着眼睛。
I doze off, and, when I wake up, I see the sun rising in a buttermilk sky through the window next to the nurses’ station. The light slants into the room, aims my shadow toward Sohrab. He hasn’t moved.
我打起瞌睡，醒来后发现阳光正从乳白色的天空照射进紧邻护士站的窗户。光线倾泻进来，将我的影子投射在索拉博身上。他一动不动。
I was exiting the lobby when the hotel manager, Mr. Fayyaz, caught up with me. “I am very sorry for you,” he said, “but I am asking for you to leave my hotel, please. This is bad for my business, very bad.”
我走出大堂的时候，旅馆经理费亚兹先生在身后跟上。“我很为你感到难过，”他说，“可是我要你搬离我的旅馆，拜托了。这对我的生意有影响，影响很大。”
After three days in the ICU, they withdrew the breathing tube and transferred him to a ground-level bed. I wasn’t there when they moved him. I had gone back to the hotel that night to get some sleep and ended up tossing around in bed all night. In the morning, I tried to not look at the bathtub. It was clean now, someone had wiped off the blood, spread new floor mats on the floor, and scrubbed the walls. But I couldn’t stop myself from sitting on its cool, porcelain edge. I pictured Sohrab filling it with warm water. Saw him undressing. Saw him twisting the razor handle and opening the twin safety latches on the head, sliding the blade out, holding it between his thumb and forefinger. I pictured him lowering himself into the water, lying there for a while, his eyes closed. I wondered what his last thought had been as he had raised the blade and brought it down.
在重症病房度过三天之后，他们撤去了呼吸管道，把他换到一张低矮的病床。他们搬动他的时候我不在。那天晚上我回到旅馆，想睡一觉，最终却在床上彻夜辗转反侧。那天早晨，我强迫自己不去看浴缸。它现在干干净净，有人抹去血迹，地板上铺了新的脚踏垫，墙上也擦过了。可是我忍不住坐在它那冰凉的陶瓷边缘。我想像索拉博放满一缸水，看见他脱掉衣服，看见他转动刮胡刀的手柄，拨出刀头的双重安全插销，退出刀片，用食指和拇指捏住。我想像他滑进浴缸，躺了一会，闭上双眼。我在寻思他举起刀片划落的时候最后在想着什么。
When I got in the cab, I asked the driver if he knew any Persian bookstores. He said there was one a couple of kilometers south. We stopped there on the way to the hospital.
坐上出租车之后，我问司机知不知道有什么波斯文书店。他说南边几公里远的地方有一家。我们去医院途中在那儿停了一会。
I told him I understood and I checked out. He didn’t charge me for the three days I’d spent at the hospital. Waiting for a cab outside the hotel lobby, I thought about what Mr. Fayyaz had said to me that night we’d gone looking for Sohrab: The thing about you Afghanis is that… well, you people are a little reckless. I had laughed at him, but now I wondered. Had I actually gone to sleep after I had given Sohrab the news he feared most?
我告诉我能理解，退了房。他没有收取我在医院度过的那三个晚上的房钱。在大堂门口等出租车的时候，我想起那天晚上费亚兹先生对我说过的：你们阿富汗人的事情…你们有些鲁莽。我曾对他大笑，但现在我怀疑。在把索拉博最担心的消息告诉他之后，我真的睡着了吗？
SOHRAB’S NEW ROOM had cream-colored walls, chipped, dark gray moldings, and glazed tiles that might have once been white. He shared the room with a teenaged Punjabi boy who, I later learned from one of the nurses, had broken his leg when he had slipped off the roof of a moving bus. His leg was in a cast, raised and held by tongs strapped to several weights.
索拉博的新病房有乳白色的墙，墙上有断裂的灰色装饰嵌线，还有本来也许是白色的珐琅地砖。跟他同间病房的还有一个十来岁的旁遮普族[Punjabi，生活在印度和巴基斯坦一带的民族]男孩，后来我从某个护士那里听到，他从一辆开动的巴士车顶跌下来，摔断了腿。他上了石膏的腿抬起，由一些绑着砝码的夹子夹住。
Sohrab’s bed was next to the window, the lower half lit by the late-morning sunlight streaming through the rectangular panes. A uniformed security guard was standing at the window, munching on cooked watermelon seeds — Sohrab was under twenty-four-hours-a-day suicide watch. Hospital protocol, Dr. Nawaz had informed me. The guard tipped his hat when he saw me and left the room.
索拉博的病床靠近窗口，早晨的阳光从长方形的玻璃窗照射进来，落在病床的后半部上。窗边站着一个身穿制服的保安，嗑着煮过的西瓜子——医院给索拉博安排了24小时的防止自杀看护。纳瓦兹大夫跟我说过，这是医院的制度。保安看到我，举帽致意，随后离开房间。
Sohrab was wearing short-sleeved hospital pajamas and lying on his back, blanket pulled to his chest, face turned to the window. I thought he was sleeping, but when I scooted a chair up to his bed his eyelids fluttered and opened. He looked at me, then looked away. He was so pale, even with all the blood they had given him, and there was a large purple bruise in the crease of his right arm.
索拉博穿着短袖的病服，仰面躺着，毛毯盖到他胸口，脸转向窗那边。我以为他睡了，但当我将一张椅子拉到他床边时，他眼睑跳动，跟着睁开。他看看我，移开视线。尽管他们给他输了很多血，他脸色依然苍白，而且在他的臂弯有一大块淤伤。
“How are you?” I said.
“你还好吗？”我说。
Again I was met by silence. The Punjabi boy at the other end of the room stirred in his sleep and moaned something. “I like your room,” I said, trying not to look at Sohrab’s bandaged wrists. “It’s bright, and you have a view.” Silence. A few more awkward minutes passed, and a light sweat formed on my brow, my upper lip. I pointed to the untouched bowl of green pea aush on his nightstand, the unused plastic spoon. “You should try to eat something. Gain your quwat back, your strength. Do you want me to help you?”
我遇到的又是沉默。病房那端，旁遮普男孩睡着翻了个身，发出几声呻吟。“我喜欢你这间房，”我说，忍住不去看索拉博缠着绷带的手腕，“光线明亮，你还能看到外面的景色。”没有回应。又是尴尬的几分钟过去，丝丝汗水从我额头和上唇冒出来。他床头的柜子上摆着一碗没碰过的豌豆糊，一把没用过的塑料调羹，我指着它们说：“你应该试着吃些东西，才能恢复元气。要我喂你吃吗？”
He didn’t answer. He was looking through the window at a fenced-in sandbox and swing set in the hospital garden. There was an arch-shaped trellis near the playground, in the shadow of a row of hibiscus trees, a few green vines climbing up the timber lattice. A handful of kids were playing with buckets and pails in the sandbox. The sky was a cloudless blue that day, and I saw a tiny jet leaving behind twin white trails. I turned back to Sohrab. “I spoke to Dr. Nawaz a few minutes ago and he thinks you’ll be discharged in a couple of days. That’s good news, nay?”
他没回答，眼望向窗外，看着医院花园里面一个围着护栏的方形沙地和秋千架。运动场旁边有个拱形的凉棚，在一排木槿的树影之下，几株葡萄藤爬上木格子。几个孩子拿着铲斗和小提桶在沙地里面玩耍。那天天空万里无云，一碧如洗，我看见一架小小的喷气式飞机，拖着两道白色的尾巴。我转向索拉博：“我刚跟纳瓦兹大夫聊过，他说你再过几天就可以出院了，这是个好消息，对吧？”
Sohrab closed his eyes. Covered them with his arm, the one with the bruise.
索拉博闭上眼睛，将手臂放在它们上面，有淤伤的那只手臂。
I flipped to the page I had bent in the taxicab. “Here we go,” I said, wondering for the first time what thoughts had passed through Hassan’s head when he had finally read the Shahnamah for himself and discovered that I had deceived him all those times. I cleared my throat and read. “‘Give ear unto the combat of Sohrab against Rostam, though it be a tale replete with tears,'” I began. “‘It came about that on a certain day Rostam rose from his couch and his mind was filled with forebodings. He bethought him…'” I read him most of chapter 1, up to the part where the young warrior Sohrab comes to his mother, Tahmineh, the princess of Samengan, and demands to know the identity of his father. I closed the book. “Do you want me to go on? There are battles coming up, remember? Sohrab leading his army to the White Castle in Iran? Should I read on?”
我翻到在出租车里面折好的那页。“我们从这里开始，”我说，第一次想到，当哈桑终于能自己阅读《沙纳玛》，发现我曾无数次欺骗过他的时候，他的脑子里转过什么念头呢？我清清喉咙，读了起来。“请听索拉博和罗斯坦战斗的故事，不过这个故事催人泪下。”我开始了，“话说某日，罗斯坦自躺椅起身，心里闪过不祥之兆。他忆起他…”我给他念了第一章的大部分，直到年轻的斗士索拉博去找他的妈妈，萨门干王国的公主拓敏妮，要求得知他的父亲姓甚名谁。我合上书。“你想我读下去吗？接下来有战斗场面，你记得吗？索拉博带领他的军队进攻伊朗的白色城堡？要我念下去吗？”
He held my glance, then looked away, his face set like stone. His eyes were still lightless, I saw, vacant, the way I had found them when I had pulled him out of the bathtub. I reached into the paper bag between my feet and took out the used copy of the Shahnamah I had bought at the Persian bookstore. I turned the cover so it faced Sohrab. “I used to read this to your father when we were children. We’d go up the hill by our house and sit beneath the pomegranate…” I trailed off. Sohrab was looking through the window again. I forced a smile. “Your father’s favorite was the story of Rostam and Sohrab and that’s how you got your name, I know you know that.” I paused, feeling a bit like an idiot. “Anyway, he said in his letter that it was your favorite too, so I thought I’d read you some of it. Would you like that?”
他看向我的眼睛，接着望开，脸上木无表情。我看见他的眼神依然黯淡空洞，就像我把他从浴缸里面拉出来时看到的那样。我把手伸进两腿之间的纸袋，拿出一本我在那间波斯文书店买来的《沙纳玛》旧书。我将封面转向索拉博。“我们还是小孩的时候，我经常读这些故事给你父亲听。我们爬上我们家后面的山丘，坐在石榴树下面…”我降低声音。索拉博再次望着窗外，我挤出笑脸。“你父亲最喜欢的是罗斯坦和索拉博的故事，你的名字就是从那儿来的，我知道你知道。”我停顿，觉得自己有点像个白痴，“反正，他在信里说你也最喜欢这个故事。所以我想我会念一些给你听，你会喜欢吗？”
Sohrab’s mouth opened and a hoarse sound came out. Dr. Nawaz had told me that would happen, on account of the breathing tube they had slid through his vocal cords. He licked his lips and tried again. “Tired.”
索拉博张开口，发出嘶哑的嗓音。纳瓦兹大夫跟我说过会有这样的情况，那是他们把呼吸管插进他的声带引发的。他舔舔嘴唇，又试一次。“厌倦了。”
He shook his head slowly. I dropped the book back in the paper bag. “That’s fine,” I said, encouraged that he had responded at all. “Maybe we can continue tomorrow. How do you feel?”
他慢慢摇头。我把书放回纸袋，“那好。”我说，为他终于有所反应而鼓舞。“也许我们可以明天再继续。你感觉怎样？”
He was shaking his head.
他摇着头。
“I know. Dr. Nawaz said that was to be expected –“
“我知道，纳瓦兹大夫说过会出现这种感觉…”
“What, Sohrab?”
“怎么了，索拉博？”
I sighed and slumped in my chair. There was a band of sunlight on the bed between us, and, for just a moment, the ashen gray face looking at me from the other side of it was a dead ringer for Hassan’s, not the Hassan I played marbles with until the mullah belted out the evening azan and Ali called us home, not the Hassan I chased down our hill as the sun dipped behind clay rooftops in the west, but the Hassan I saw alive for the last time, dragging his belongings behind Ali in a warm summer downpour, stuffing them in the trunk of Baba’s car while I watched through the rain-soaked window of my room.
我叹气，颓然坐倒在椅子上。一道阳光照在床上，在我们两人中间，而就在那一瞬间，那张死灰的脸从光线那边看着我，它像极了哈桑的面孔，不是那个整天跟我玩弹珠直到毛拉唱起晚祷、阿里喊我们回家的哈桑，不是那个太阳没入西边的黏土屋顶时我们从山丘上追逐而下的哈桑，而是我有生最后一次见到的那个哈桑，那个我透过自己房间雨水迷蒙的窗户望着的、在夏日温暖的倾盆大雨中拖着行李走在阿里背后、将它们塞进爸爸的轿车后厢的哈桑。
He winced when he spoke again in that husky voice, barely above a whisper. “Tired of everything.”
他一边缩着身子，一边再次用粗哑的嗓音，声音低得几乎听不见地说：“厌倦了一切事情。”
He gave a slow shake of his head. “Tired of everything,” he repeated.
他慢慢摇着头。“厌倦了一切事情。”他重复说。
“What can I do, Sohrab? Please tell me.”
“我能做什么，索拉博？请告诉我。”
“Oh, Sohrab.”
“哦，索拉博。”
“I want –” he began. He winced again and brought his hand to his throat as if to clear whatever was blocking his voice. My eyes were drawn again to his wrist wrapped tightly with white gauze bandages. “I want my old life back,” he breathed.
“我想要…”他开口，身子又是一缩，把手按在喉咙上，似乎要清除掉哽住他嗓音的东西。我的眼光再次落在他手腕上紧紧绑着的医用绷带上。“我想要回原来的生活。”他喘息说。
I didn’t know what to say, where to look, so I gazed down at my hands. Your old life, I thought. My old life too. I played in the same yard, Sohrab. I lived in the same house. But the grass is dead and a stranger’s jeep is parked in the driveway of our house, pissing oil all over the asphalt. Our old life is gone, Sohrab, andeveryone in it is either dead or dying. It’s just you and me now. Just you and me.
我不知道该说什么，该看哪里，所以我望着自己双手。你原来的生活，我想，也是我原来的生活。我在同一个院子玩耍。我住在同一座房子。可是那些草已经死了，我们家房子的车道上停着陌生人的吉普车，油污滴满柏油地面。我们原来的生活不见了，索拉博，原来那些人要么死了，要么正在死去。现在只剩下你和我了。只剩下你和我。
“I want Father and Mother jan. I want Sasa. I want to play with Rahim Khan sahib in the garden. I want to live in our house again.” He dragged his forearm across his eyes. “I want my old life back.”
“我想要爸爸和亲爱的妈妈，我想要莎莎，我想要跟拉辛汗老爷在花园玩，我想要回到我们的房子生活。”他用前臂盖住双眼，“我想要回原来的生活。”
“I can’t give you that,” I said.
“我没办法给你。”我说。
“I wish you hadn’t –“
“我希望你没有…”
He sighed through his nose and closed his eyes. I wished I hadn’t said those last two words. “You know, I’ve done a lot of things I regret in my life,” I said, “and maybe none more than going back on the promise I made you. But that will never happen again, and I am so very profoundly sorry. I ask for your bakhshesh, your forgiveness. Can you do that? Can you forgive me? Can you believe me?” I dropped my voice. “Will you come with me?”
他从鼻子叹出气，闭上眼睛。我要是没有说出最后三个字就好了。“你知道吗，我这一辈子做过很多后悔的事情，”我说，“也许最后悔的事情是对你出尔反尔。但那再也不会发生了，我感到非常非常对不起你。我乞求你的原谅。你能做到吗？你能原谅我吗？你能相信我吗？”我降低声音，“你会跟我一起走吗？”
“– wish you hadn’t… I wish you had left me in the water.”
“…希望你没有…我希望你让我留在水里。”
“Don’t ever say that, Sohrab,” I said, leaning forward. “I can’t bear to hear you talk like that.” I touched his shoulder and he flinched. Drew away. I dropped my hand, remembering ruefully how in the last days before I’d broken my promise to him he had finally become at ease with my touch. “Sohrab, I can’t give you your old life back, I wish to God I could. But I can take you with me. That was what I was coming in the bathroom to tell you. You have a visa to go to America, to live with me and my wife. It’s true. I promise.”
“别再那么说了，索拉博。”我说，身子前倾，“我无法忍受再听见你那么说。”我碰他的肩膀，他缩身抽开。我放下手，凄凉地想起我在对他食言之前的最后几天，他终于能够自在地接受我的触碰。“索拉博，我没办法把你原来的生活给你，我希望真主给我这样的力量。但我可以带你走。当时我走向浴室，就是要告诉你这个。你有前往美国跟我和我的妻子生活在一起的签证了。真的。我保证。”
“Please don’t say that.”
“请别那么说。”
Sohrab rolled to his side, his back to me. He didn’t say anything for a long time. And then, just as I thought he might have drifted to sleep, he said with a croak, “I am so khasta.” So very tired.
索拉博翻过身，背朝我。很久很久，他一语不发。接着，就在我以为他也许昏昏睡去的时候，他嘶哑地说：“我很累很累。”
So I left the room and went looking for another hotel, unaware that almost a year would pass before I would hear Sohrab speak another word.
于是我离开病房，走出去寻找别的旅馆，根本没有意识到我再次听到索拉博说话，已经是一年之后的事情。
As I waited for his reply, my mind flashed back to a winter day from long ago, Hassan and I sitting on the snow beneath a leafless sour cherry tree. I had played a cruel game with Hassan that day, toyed with him, asked him if he would chew dirt to prove his loyalty to me. Now I was the one under the microscope, the one who had to prove my worthiness. I deserved this.
等待他回答的时候，我脑里一闪，思绪回到了很久以前的某个冬日，哈桑和我坐在一株酸樱桃树下的雪地上。那天我跟哈桑开了个残酷的玩笑，取笑他，问他愿不愿意吃泥巴证明对我的忠诚。而如今，我是那个被考验的人，那个需要证明自己值得尊重的人。我罪有应得。
I sat by his bed until he fell asleep. Something was lost between Sohrab and me. Until my meeting with the lawyer, Omar Faisal, a light of hope had begun to enter Sohrab’s eyes like a timid guest. Now the light was gone, the guest had fled, and I wondered when it would dare return. I wondered how long before Sohrab smiled again. How long before he trusted me. If ever.
我坐在他床沿，直到他睡去。我和索拉博之间有些东西不见了。直到和奥马尔·费萨尔律师碰面之前，一道希望的光芒曾像怯生生的客人那样走进索拉博的眼睛。现在那光芒不见了，客人逃跑了，而我怀疑他是否有胆量回来。我寻思要再过多久才能见到索拉博的微笑，再过多久才会信任我，倘若他会的话。
ONE DAY, maybe around 1983 or 1984, I was at a video store in Fremont. I was standing in the Westerns section when a guy next to me, sipping Coke from a 7-Eleven cup, pointed to The Magnificent Seven and asked me if I had seen it. “Yes, thirteen times,” I said. “Charles Bronson dies in it, so do James Coburn and Robert Vaughn.” He gave me a pinch-faced look, as if I had just spat in his soda. “Thanks a lot, man,” he said, shaking his head and muttering something as he walked away. That was when I learned that, in America, you don’t reveal the ending of the movie, and if you do, you will be scorned and made to apologize profusely for having committed the sin of Spoiling the End.
某天，兴许是1983年或 1984年，我在弗里蒙特一间卖录像带的商店。我站在西片区之前，身边有个家伙拿着便利店的纸杯，边喝可乐边指着《七侠荡寇志》，问我有没有看过。“看过，看了十三次。”我说，“查尔斯·勃朗森在里面死了，詹姆斯‘科本和罗伯特·华恩也死了。”他狠狠盯了我一眼，好像我朝他的汽水吐口水一样。“太谢谢你啦，老兄。”他说，摇头咕哝着走开了。那时我才明白，在美国，你不能透露电影的结局，要不然你会被谴责，还得为糟蹋了结局的罪行致上万分歉意。
IN THE END, Sohrab never accepted my offer. Nor did he decline it. But he knew that when the bandages were removed and the hospital garments returned, he was just another homeless Hazara orphan. What choice did he have? Where could he go? So what I took as a yes from him was in actuality more of a quiet surrender, not so much an acceptance as an act of relinquishment by one too weary to decide, and far too tired to believe. What he yearned for was his old life. What he got was me and America. Not that it was such a bad fate, everything considered, but I couldn’t tell him that. Perspective was a luxury when your head was constantly buzzing with a swarm of demons.
结局，索拉博从来没有接受我的邀请。他也没有拒绝。当绷带拆开，脱去病服，他只是又一个无家可归的哈扎拉孤儿。他能有什么选择呢？他能去哪儿呢？所以我当他同意了，可是实际上，那更像是无言的屈服；与其说是同意，毋宁说是由于他心灰意懒、怀疑一切而来的任人摆布。他渴望的是他原来的生活，而他得到的是我和美国。从方方面面看来，这并不能说是什么凄惨的命运，可是我不能这么告诉他。倘使恶魔仍在你脑中徘徊萦绕，前程又从何谈起呢？
And so it was that, about a week later, we crossed a strip of warm, black tarmac and I brought Hassan’s son from Afghanistan to America, lifting him from the certainty of turmoil and dropping him in a turmoil of uncertainty.
于是就这样，一个星期之后，穿过一片温暖的黑色的停机坪，我把哈桑的儿子从阿富汗带到美国，让他飞离那业已过去的凄恻往事，降落在即将到来的未知生活之中。
In Afghanistan, the ending was all that mattered. When Hassan and I came home after watching a Hindi film at Cinema Zainab, what Ali, Rahim Khan, Baba, or the myriad of Baba’s friends — second and third cousins milling in and out of the house — wanted to know was this: Did the Girl in the film find happiness? Did the bacheh film, the Guy in the film, become kamyab and fulfill his dreams, or was he nah-kam, doomed to wallow in failure?
在阿富汗，结局才是最重要的。每逢哈桑和我在索拉博电影院看完印度片回家，阿里、拉辛汗、爸爸或者爸爸那些九流三教的朋友——各种远房亲戚在那座房子进进出出——想知道的只有这些：电影里面那个姑娘找到幸福了吗？电影里面那个家伙胜利地实现了他的梦想吗？还是失败了，郁郁而终？
If someone were to ask me today whether the story of Hassan, Sohrab, and me ends with happiness, I wouldn’t know what to say.
如果今天有人问起哈桑、索拉博和我的故事结局是否圆满，我不知道该怎么说。
Was there happiness at the end, they wanted to know.
他们想知道的是结局是不是幸福。
Does anybody’s?
有人能回答吗？
I wouldn’t know how to answer that question. Despite the matter of last Sunday’s tiny miracle.
我不知道如何回答那个问题。尽管上个星期天出现了小小的奇迹。
After all, life is not a Hindi movie. Zendagi migzara, Afghans like to say: Life goes on, unmindful of beginning, end, kamyab, nah-kam, crisis or catharsis, moving forward like a slow, dusty caravan of kochis.
毕竟，生活并非印度电影。阿富汗人总喜欢说：生活总会继续。他们不关心开始或结束、成功或失败、危在旦夕或柳暗花明，只顾像游牧部落那样风尘仆仆地缓慢前进。
WE ARRIVED HOME about seven months ago, on a warm day in August 2001. Soraya picked us up at the airport. I had never been away from Soraya for so long, and when she locked her arms around my neck, when I smelled apples in her hair, I realized how much I had missed her. “You’re still the morning sun to my yelda,” I whispered.
7个月前，也就是 2001年 8月某个温暖的日子，我们回到家里。索拉雅到机场接我们。我从未离开这么长时间，当她双臂环住我脖子的时候，我闻到她头发上的苹果香味，意识到我有多么想念她。“你仍是我的雅尔达的朝阳。”我低声说。
“Never mind.” I kissed her ear.
“没什么。”我亲吻她的耳朵。
After, she knelt to eye level with Sohrab. She took his hand and smiled at him. “Salaam, Sohrab jan, I’m your Khala Soraya. We’ve all been waiting for you.”
随后，她将身子蹲到跟索拉博一样高，拉起他的手，笑着对他说：“你好，亲爱的索拉博，我是你的索拉雅阿姨，我们大家一直在等你。”
“What?”
“什么？”
Sohrab shifted on his feet and looked away.
索拉博双脚原地挪动，眼睛望向别处。
Looking at her smiling at Sohrab, her eyes tearing over a little, I had a glimpse of the mother she might have been, had her own womb not betrayed her.
我看到她朝索拉博微笑，眼噙泪水的模样，也看到假如她的子宫没有背叛主人，她该会是什么样的母亲。
Sohrab was wearing the plain white T-shirt and new denims I had bought him in Islamabad just before we’d left — the shirt hung loosely over his bony, slumping shoulders. The color still hadn’t seeped back into his face, save for the halo of dark circles around his eyes. He was looking at us now in the impassive way he looked at the plates of boiled rice the hospital orderly placed before him.
索拉博穿着纯白色衬衣，和我们离开之前我在伊斯兰堡给他新买的斜纹粗棉裤，衬衣松松垮垮地挂在他胛骨毕现的瘦削肩膀上。除了黑色的眼圈，他的面庞仍是苍白得没有其他颜色。现在他看着我们，神情冷淡，一如看着医院那些整齐地摆放在他面前的装着白米饭的盘子。
SORAYA HAD TURNED THE STUDY upstairs into a bedroom for Sohrab. She led him in and he sat on the edge of the bed. The sheets showed brightly colored kites flying in indigo blue skies. She had made inscriptions on the wall by the closet, feet and inches to measure a child’s growing height. At the foot of the bed, I saw a wicker basket stuffed with books, a locomotive, a water-color set.
索拉雅已经把楼上的书房收拾成索拉博的卧房。她领他进去，他坐在床沿。床单绣着风筝在靛蓝的天空中飞翔的图案。她在衣橱旁边的墙上做了刻度尺，标记英尺和英寸，用来测量孩子日益长高的身材。我看到床脚有个装满图书的柳条篮子，一个玩具火车头，还有一盒水彩笔。
We went to bed, and Soraya fell asleep with her head on my chest. In the darkness of our room, I lay awake, an insomniac once more. Awake. And alone with demons of my own.
我们回到床上，索拉雅头靠着我的胸膛睡去。在我们黑暗的房间中，我清醒地躺着，再次失眠。清醒、孤独地陪伴我自己的心魔。
Soraya asked if he liked his room and I noticed that she was trying to avoid looking at his wrists and that her eyes kept swaying back to those jagged pink lines. Sohrab lowered his head. Hid his hands under his thighs and said nothing. Then he simply lay his head on the pillow. Less than five minutes later, Soraya and I watching from the doorway, he was snoring.
索拉雅问他喜不喜欢他的房间，我注意到她竭力避免去看他的手腕，但眼光总是瞟向那些弯曲的粉红伤痕。索拉博低下头，把手藏在大腿之间，什么也没说。接着他自顾把头倒在枕上，我和索拉雅站在门口看着他，不消五分钟，他就呼呼入睡。
Sometime in the middle of the night, I slid out of bed and went to Sohrab’s room. I stood over him, looking down, and saw something protruding from under his pillow. I picked it up. Saw it was Rahim Khan’s Polaroid, the one I had given to Sohrab the night we had sat by the Shah Faisal Mosque. The one of Hassan and Sohrab standing side by side, squinting in the light of the sun, and smiling like the world was a good and just place. I wondered how long Sohrab had lain in bed staring at the photo, turning it in his hands.
那晚夜深人静的时候，我悄悄下床，走到索拉博的房间。我站在他身旁，望下去，看到他枕头下面有东西突出。我把它捡起来，发现是拉辛汗的宝丽莱照片，那张我们坐在费萨尔清真寺附近那夜我给索拉博的照片，那张哈桑和索拉博并排站着在阳光下眯着眼睛似乎世界是个美好而有正义的地方的照片。我在想索拉博究竟躺在床上将手里拿着的这张照片翻来覆去地看了多久。
I looked at the photo. Your father was a man torn between two halves, Rahim Khan had said in his letter. I had been the entitled half, the society-approved, legitimate half, the unwitting embodiment of Baba’s guilt. I looked at Hassan, showing those two missing front teeth, sunlight slanting on his face. Baba’s other half. The unentitled, unprivileged half. The half who had inherited what had been pure and noble in Baba. The half that, maybe, in the most secret recesses of his heart, Baba had thought of as his true son.
我看着那张照片。你爸爸是被拉扯成两半的男人。拉辛汗在信里这么说。我是有名分的那一半，社会承认的、合法的一半，不知不觉间充当了父亲疚恨的化身。我看着哈桑，阳光打在他露出缺了两个门牙的笑脸上。爸爸的另一半，没有名分、没有特权的一半，那继承了爸爸身上纯洁高贵品质的一半，也许，在爸爸内心某处秘密的地方，这是他当成自己的真正儿子的一半。
I slipped the picture back where I had found it. Then I realized something: That last thought had brought no sting with it. Closing Sohrab’s door, I wondered if that was how forgiveness budded, not with the fanfare of epiphany, but with pain gathering its things, packing up, and slipping away unannounced in the middle of the night.
我把照片塞回刚才发现的地方，接着意识到：刚才最后那个念头居然没有让我心痛。我走向索拉博的房门，心下寻思，是否宽恕就这样萌生？它并非随着神灵显身的玄妙而来，而是痛苦在经过一番收拾之后，终于打点完毕，在深夜悄然退去，催生了它。
THE GENERAL AND KHALA JAMILA came over for dinner the following night. Khala Jamila, her hair cut short and a darker shade of red than usual, handed Soraya the plate of almond-topped maghout she had brought for dessert. She saw Sohrab and beamed. “Mashallah! Soraya jan told us how khoshteep you were, but you are even more handsome in person, Sohrab jan.” She handed him a blue turtleneck sweater. “I knitted this for you,” she said. “For next winter. Inshallah, it will fit you.”
隔日，将军和雅米拉阿姨前来一起用晚膳。雅米拉阿姨头发剪短了，也染得比过去更红了，将一盘她买来当点心的杏仁糕递给索拉雅。看到索拉博，她喜形于色：“安拉保佑！亲爱的索拉雅告诉我们你有多么英俊，但是你真人更加好看，亲爱的索拉博。”她递给他一件蓝色的圆翻领毛衣。“我替你织了这个，”她说，“到下个冬天，奉安拉之名，你穿上它会合身的。”
Sohrab took the sweater from her.
索拉博从她手里接过毛衣。
I answered, and answered again, Khala Jamila’s questions about my injuries — I’d asked Soraya to tell them I had been mugged — reassuring her that I had no permanent damage, that the wires would come out in a few weeks so I’d be able to eat her cooking again, that, yes, I would try rubbing rhubarb juice and sugar on my scars to make them fade faster.
我一遍又一遍地回答雅米拉阿姨关于我受伤的问题——我曾让索拉雅告诉他们我被抢了——不断向她保证，我没有受到永久性的伤害，再过一两个星期就可以拆线了，我又能吃她做的饭了，也向她保证，是的，我会在伤疤上抹大黄汁和白糖，让它消失得快一些。
The general and I sat in the living room and sipped wine while Soraya and her mother set the table. I told him about Kabul and the Taliban. He listened and nodded, his cane on his lap, and tsk’ed when I told him of the man I had spotted selling his artificial leg. I made no mention of the executions at Ghazi Stadium and Assef. He asked about Rahim Khan, whom he said he had met in Kabul a few times, and shook his head solemnly when I told him of Rahim Khan’s illness. But as we spoke, I caught his eyes drifting again and again to Sohrab sleeping on the couch. As if we were skirting around the edge of what he really wanted to know.
索拉雅和她妈妈收拾桌子的时候，将军和我在客厅喝葡萄酒。我跟他谈起喀布尔和塔利班，他边听边点头，拐杖放在腿上。当我说起我见到那个卖假腿的家伙时，他啧啧有声。我没说到伽兹体育馆的处决，也没提及阿塞夫。他问起拉辛汗，说曾在喀布尔见过他几面，当我告诉他拉辛汗的病况时，他严肃地摇摇头。但在我们说话的时候，我注意到他的眼睛不断看向睡在沙发上的索拉博。似乎我们一直在他真正想知道的问题边缘兜圈。
“Hello, young man,” was all the general said, leaning with both hands on his cane, looking at Sohrab the way one might study a bizarre decorative item at someone’s house.
“你好，小伙子。”将军只说了这么一句，双手拄着拐杖，看着索拉博，似乎在研究某人房子的奇异装饰。
The skirting finally came to an end over dinner when the general put down his fork and said, “So, Amir jan, you’re going to tell us why you have brought back this boy with you?”
兜圈终于结束了。用过晚饭之后，将军放下他的叉子，问：“那么，亲爱的阿米尔，你是不是该告诉我们，你为什么要带这个男孩回来？”
“Iqbal jan! What sort of question is that?” Khala Jamila said.
“亲爱的伊克伯！这是什么问题？”雅米拉阿姨说。
“It’s okay, Soraya,” I said, taking her hand. “It’s okay. General Sahib is quite right. People will ask.”
“没什么，索拉雅。”我说，拉起她的手，“没什么，将军说得没错，人们会有疑问。”
“While you’re busy knitting sweaters, my dear, I have to deal with the community’s perception of our family. People will ask. They will want to know why there is a Hazara boy living with our daughter. What do I tell them?”
“你在忙着编织毛衣的时候，亲爱的，我不得不应付邻居对我们家的看法。人们会有疑问。他们会想知道为什么有个哈扎拉男孩住在我女儿家。我怎么跟他们说？”
“Amir –” she began.
“阿米尔…”她说。
Soraya dropped her spoon. Turned on her father. “You can tell them –“
索拉雅放下她的调羹，转向她父亲，“你可以告诉他们…”
They were all staring at me.
他们全都瞪着我。
“And one more thing, General Sahib,” I said. “You will never again refer to him as ‘Hazara boy’ in my presence. He has a name and it’s Sohrab.”
“还有，将军大人，”我说，“以后我在场的时候，请你永远不要叫他‘哈扎拉男孩’。他有名字，他的名字叫索拉博。”
“It’s all right.” I turned to the general. “You see, General Sahib, my father slept with his servant’s wife. She bore him a son named Hassan. Hassan is dead now. That boy sleeping on the couch is Hassan’s son. He’s my nephew. That’s what you tell people when they ask.”
“没关系，”我转向将军，“你知道吗，将军大人，我爸爸睡了他仆人的老婆。她给他生了个儿子，名字叫做哈桑。现在哈桑死掉了，睡在沙发上那个男孩是哈桑的儿子。他是我的侄儿。要是有人发问，你可以这样告诉我。”
No one said anything for the remainder of the meal.
大家默默吃完那顿饭。
He didn’t so much live with us as occupy space. And precious little of it. Sometimes, at the market, or in the park, I’d notice how other people hardly seemed to even see him, like he wasn’t there at all. I’d look up from a book and realize Sohrab had entered the room, had sat across from me, and I hadn’t noticed. He walked like he was afraid to leave behind footprints. He moved as if not to stir the air around him. Mostly, he slept.
他身在曹营心在汉，人跟我们共同生活，而心跟我们一起的时候少得可怜。有时候，在市场或者公园里面，我注意到人们仿佛甚至没有看到他，似乎他根本并不存在。我曾经从书本抬头，发现索拉博业已走进房间，坐在我对面，而我毫无察觉。他走路的样子似乎害怕留下脚印，移动的时候似乎不想搅起周围的空气。多数时候，他选择了睡觉。
IT WOULD BE ERRONEOUS to say Sohrab was quiet. Quiet is peace. Tranquillity. Quiet is turning down the VOLUME knob on life.
如果说索拉博很安静是错误的。安静是祥和，是平静，是降下生命音量的旋钮。
Sohrab’s silence wasn’t the self-imposed silence of those with convictions, of protesters who seek to speak their cause by not speaking at all. It was the silence of one who has taken cover in a dark place, curled up all the edges and tucked them under.
索拉博的沉默既不是来自洞明世事之后的泰然自若，也并非由于他选择了默默不语来秉持自己的信念和表达抗议，而是对生活曾有过的黑暗忍气吞声地照单全收。
Silence is pushing the OFF button. Shutting it down. All of it.
沉默是把那个按钮关掉，把它旋下，全部旋掉。
Sohrab’s silence was hard on Soraya too. Over that long-distance line to Pakistan, Soraya had told me about the things she was planning for Sohrab. Swimming classes. Soccer. Bowling league. Now she’d walk past Sohrab’s room and catch a glimpse of books sitting unopened in the wicker basket, the growth chart unmarked, the jigsaw puzzle unassembled, each item a reminder of a life that could have been. A reminder of a dream that was wilting even as it was budding. But she hadn’t been alone. I’d had my own dreams for Sohrab.
索拉雅对索拉博的沉默也难以忍受。在巴基斯坦的国际长途电话线上，我曾听到索拉雅为索拉博准备的一切，游泳课、足球、保龄球。如今她走过索拉博的房间，投入的一瞥只见到书原封不动地摆在柳条篮里面，测量身高的标尺上没有刻痕，拼图依然散开，每一块都让人想起生活原本应该是另外一种样子，让人想起那个尚未盛放就已经凋谢的梦。但她并不孤单，我对索拉博也曾有过梦想。
While Sohrab was silent, the world was not. One Tuesday morning last September, the Twin Towers came crumbling down and, overnight, the world changed. The American flag suddenly appeared everywhere, on the antennae of yellow cabs weaving around traffic, on the lapels of pedestrians walking the sidewalks in a steady stream, even on the grimy caps of San Francisco’s pan-handlers sitting beneath the awnings of small art galleries and open-fronted shops. One day I passed Edith, the homeless woman who plays the accordion every day on the corner of Sutter and Stockton, and spotted an American flag sticker on the accordion case at her feet.
索拉博沉默的时候，世界风起云涌。上个九月的某个星期二早晨，双子塔大楼轰然倒塌，一夜之间，世界改变了。美国国旗突然出现在每个地方，在车水马龙中前进的黄色出租车天线上，在行色匆匆地走在拥挤人行道的行人衣襟上，甚至在那些寄身小画廊和临街商店雨篷之下的流浪汉的污秽帽子上。有一天我走过艾迪斯面前，她是个无家可归的女人，每天在萨特街和斯托克顿街的十字路口弹奏手风琴，我见到在她脚下的手风琴盒子上也贴了美国国旗。
Soon after the attacks, America bombed Afghanistan, the Northern Alliance moved in, and the Taliban scurried like rats into the caves. Suddenly, people were standing in grocery store lines and talking about the cities of my childhood, Kandahar, Herat, Mazar-i-Sharif. When I was very little, Baba took Hassan and me to Kunduz. I don’t remember much about the trip, except sitting in the shade of an acacia tree with Baba and Hassan, taking turns sipping fresh watermelon juice from a clay pot and seeing who could spit the seeds farther. Now Dan Rather, Tom Brokaw, and people sipping lattes at Starbucks were talking about the battle for Kunduz, the Taliban’s last stronghold in the north. That December, Pashtuns, Tajiks, Uzbeks, and Hazaras gathered in Bonn and, under the watchful eye of the UN, began the process that might someday end over twenty years of unhappiness in their watan. Hamid Karzai’s caracul hat and green chapan became famous.
遭到袭击之后不久，美国轰炸了阿富汗，北方联盟乘机而进，塔利班像老鼠逃回洞穴那样四处亡命。突然间，人们在杂货店排队等待收银，谈着我童年生活过的那些城市：坎大哈、赫拉特、马扎里沙里夫。我很小的时候，爸爸带我和哈桑去昆都士。关于那次旅程我已经没有什么印象了，只记得和爸爸、哈桑坐在一株金合欢树的阴影下轮流喝陶罐中的西瓜汁，比赛谁能把瓜籽吐得更远些。现在丹·拉德、汤姆·布罗考和那些在星巴克喝拿铁的人都在谈论昆都士的战役，那里是塔利班最后的阵地。那年12月，普什图人、塔吉克人、乌兹别克人和哈扎拉人齐集波恩，在联合国观察员的监督下，开始了一个也许有朝一日能够终结他们祖国过去二十余年来的苦难的进程。哈米德·卡尔扎伊的羊皮帽和绿色长袍变得众所周知。
Soraya and I became involved in Afghan projects, as much out of a sense of civil duty as the need for something — anything — to fill the silence upstairs, the silence that sucked everything in like a black hole. I had never been the active type before, but when a man named Kabir, a former Afghan ambassador to Sofia, called and asked if I wanted to help him with a hospital project, I said yes. The small hospital had stood near the Afghan-Pakistani border and had a small surgical unit that treated Afghan refugees with land mine injuries. But it had closed down due to a lack of funds. I became the project manager, Soraya my comanager. I spent most of my days in the study, e-mailing people around the world, applying for grants, organizing fund-raising events. And telling myself that bringing Sohrab here had been the right thing to do.
索拉雅和我开始参与到阿富汗的计划中去，除了有心为故国略尽绵薄之力外，也是因为需要某些东西——任何东西都好——来填补楼上的沉默，那像黑洞般吞噬一切的沉默。我过去从未如此热心，但当有个名叫卡比尔的被派往索非亚的前阿富汗大使打电话来，问我是否愿意帮助他进行一项医疗计划，我答应了。那个小医院位于阿富汗和巴基斯坦边境，有个小小的外科手术组，治疗那些被地雷炸伤的阿富汗难民。但由于缺乏资金，它倒闭了。我成为那个计划的主持人，索拉雅是我的副手。我每天大部分时间在书房里面，给遍布世界各地的人发电子邮件，申请基金，组织募捐活动，还告诉自己把索拉博带到这儿是正确的事情。
Sohrab sleepwalked through it all.
索拉博依然梦游般地度过这段日子。
The year ended with Soraya and me on the couch, blanket spread over our legs, watching Dick Clark on TV. People cheered and kissed when the silver ball dropped, and confetti whitened the screen. In our house, the new year began much the same way the last one had ended. In silence.
那年除夕，我和索拉雅躺在沙发上，腿上盖毛毯，看着迪克·克拉克主持的电视节目。当银球抛落，彩纸将荧屏变成白色，人们欢呼亲吻。在我们家，新年的开始跟上一年的结束一样，沉默无声。
The previous Thursday, the first day of spring, had been the Afghan New Year’s Day — the Sawl-e-Nau — and Afghans in the Bay Area had planned celebrations throughout the East Bay and the peninsula. Kabir, Soraya, and I had an additional reason to rejoice: Our little hospital in Rawalpindi had opened the week before, not the surgical unit, just the pediatric clinic. But it was a good start, we all agreed.
上个星期二是春季的第一天，过去是阿富汗的新年，湾区的阿富汗人计划在东湾和半岛举行盛大的庆祝活动。卡比尔、索拉雅和我还有另外一个庆祝的理由：我们在拉瓦尔品第的小医院重新开张了，没有外科手术组，只是个儿科诊所。但我们一致认为这是个好的开始。
I took Soraya, Khala Jamila, and Sohrab to a gathering of Afghans at Lake Elizabeth Park in Fremont. The general had finally been summoned to Afghanistan the month before for a ministry position, and had flown there two weeks earlier — he had left behind his gray suit and pocket watch. The plan was for Khala Jamila to join him in a few months once he had settled. She missed him terribly — and worried about his health there — and we had insisted she stay with us for a while.
我带索拉雅、雅米拉阿姨和索拉博参加弗里蒙特伊丽莎白湖公园的阿富汗人聚会。上个月，阿富汗终于征召将军回去履任一个大臣的职位，他两个星期前飞走——他留下了灰色西装和怀表。雅米拉阿姨计划等他安顿好之后，过一两个月再去和他团聚。她很想念他，也担心他在那边的健康状况。我们执意要她搬过来同住一阵子。
It had been sunny for days, but Sunday morning, as I swung my legs out of bed, I heard raindrops pelting the window. Afghan luck, I thought. Snickered. I prayed morning namaz while Soraya slept — I didn’t have to consult the prayer pamphlet I had obtained from the mosque anymore; the verses came naturally now, effortlessly.
天气晴朗了好几天，但星期天早晨，我刚把脚伸出床外的时候，听到雨水沿窗户滴落的声音。阿富汗运气，我想，暗暗发笑。索拉雅还在睡觉的时候，我已经做完早祷——我不用再求助从清真寺得来的祷告手册了，祷词熟极而流，毫不费劲。
THEN, FOUR DAYS AGO, on a cool rainy day in March 2002, a small, wondrous thing happened.
然而，4天之前，2002年3月某个阴冷的雨天，发生了一个小小的奇迹。
We stooped under the makeshift tent. Soraya and Khala Jamila drifted toward an overweight woman frying spinach bolani. Sohrab stayed under the canopy for a moment, then stepped back out into the rain, hands stuffed in the pockets of his raincoat, his hair — now brown and straight like Hassan’s — plastered against his scalp. He stopped near a coffee-colored puddle and stared at it. No one seemed to notice. No one called him back in. With time, the queries about our adopted — and decidedly eccentric — little boy had mercifully ceased, and, considering how tactless Afghan queries can be sometimes, that was a considerable relief. People stopped asking why he never spoke. Why he didn’t play with the other kids. And best of all, they stopped suffocating us with their exaggerated empathy, their slow head shaking, their tsktsks, their “Oh gung bichara.” Oh, poor little mute one. The novelty had worn off. Like dull wallpaper, Sohrab had blended into the background.
我们站在那临时搭建的棚子下面。索拉雅和雅米拉阿姨朝一个正在炸菠菜面饼的肥胖女人走去。索拉博在雨棚下面站了一会儿，接着走回雨中，双手插进雨衣的口袋，他的头发——现在跟哈桑的头发一样，都是棕色的直发——贴在头上。他在一个咖啡色的水坑旁边停下，看着它。似乎没有人注意到他，没有人喊他进来。随着时间流逝，人们终于仁慈地不再问起我们收养这个——他的行为怪异一目了然——小男孩的问题。而考虑到阿富汗人的提问有时毫不拐弯抹角，这当真是个很大的解脱。人们不再问为什么他不说话，为什么他不和其他小孩玩。而最令人高兴的是，他们不再用夸张的同情、他们的慢慢摇头、他们的咋舌、他们的“噢，这个可怜的小哑巴”来让我们窒息。新奇的感觉不见了，索拉博就像发旧的墙纸一样融进了这个生活环境。
“You can take Afghans out of Paghman, but you can’t take Paghman out of Afghans,” I said.
“你可以将阿富汗人带离帕格曼，但却无法让帕格曼离开阿富汗人。”我说。
“What’s so funny?” Soraya said, holding a folded newspaper over her head.
“什么事这么好笑？”索拉雅说，将一张折好的报纸举在头顶。
We arrived around noon and found a handful of people taking cover under a large rectangular plastic sheet mounted on six poles spiked to the ground. Someone was already frying bolani; steam rose from teacups and a pot of cauliflower aush. A scratchy old Ahmad Zahir song was blaring from a cassette player. I smiled a little as the four of us rushed across the soggy grass field, Soraya and I in the lead, Khala Jamila in the middle, Sohrab behind us, the hood of his yellow raincoat bouncing on his back.
我们是在中午到的，发现地面插了六根柱子，上面搭了长方形的塑料布，里面有一些人。有人已经开始炸面饼；蒸汽从茶杯和花椰菜面锅冒出来。一台磁带播放机放着艾哈迈德·查希尔聒噪的老歌。我们四个人冲过那片潮湿的草地时，我微微发笑；索拉雅和我走在前面，雅米拉阿姨在中间，后面是索拉博，他穿着黄色雨衣，兜帽拍打着他的后背。
I shook hands with Kabir, a small, silver-haired man. He introduced me to a dozen men, one of them a retired teacher, another an engineer, a former architect, a surgeon who was now running a hot dog stand in Hayward. They all said they’d known Baba in Kabul, and they spoke about him respectfully. In one way or another, he had touched all their lives. The men said I was lucky to have had such a great man for a father.
我跟一头银发的小个子卡比尔握手。他把我介绍给十来个男人，有个是退休教师，另外一个是工程师，有个原先是建筑师，有个目前在海沃德摆摊卖热狗的外科医师。他们都说在喀布尔就认识爸爸了，而他们谈起他的时候都很敬重。他总是以这样或那样的方式影响他们的生活。那些男人都说我有这么一个了不起的父亲真幸运。
We chatted about the difficult and maybe thankless job Karzai had in front of him, about the upcoming Loya jirga, and the king’s imminent return to his homeland after twenty-eights years of exile. I remembered the night in 1973, the night Zahir Shah’s cousin overthrew him; I remembered gunfire and the sky lighting up silver — Ali had taken me and Hassan in his arms, told us not to be afraid, that they were just shooting ducks.
我们谈起卡尔扎伊面对的困难，还有他那也许吃力不讨好的工作，谈起即将召开的大国民议会，还有国王在流亡二十八年之后即将重返他的家园。我记得1973年查希尔国王被他的表亲推翻的那个夜晚，我记得枪炮声和亮出银光的天空——阿里搂着我和哈桑，告诉我们别害怕，说他们只是在猎野鸭。
“He was, wasn’t he?” I said, smiling, remembering how, soon after we arrived in the U. S., Baba started grumbling about American flies. He’d sit at the kitchen table with his flyswatter, watch the flies darting from wall to wall, buzzing here, buzzing there, harried and rushed. “In this country, even flies are pressed for time,” he’d groan. How I had laughed. I smiled at the memory now.
“他是的，难道不是吗？”我说，微笑着想起在我们刚来美国之后不久，爸爸开始抱怨美国的苍蝇。他拿着苍蝇拍坐在厨房里，看着苍蝇从这面墙冲到那面墙，在这儿嗡嗡叫，在那儿嗡嗡叫，飞得又快又急。“在这个国家，甚至连苍蝇都在赶时间。”他埋怨说。记得当时我哈哈大笑。现在我想起来，微笑着。
Then someone told a Mullah Nasruddin joke and we were all laughing. “You know, your father was a funny man too,” Kabir said.
接着有人说了个纳斯鲁丁毛拉的笑话，我们都哈哈大笑。“你知道吗，你爸爸也是个幽默的人。”卡比尔说。
By three o’clock, the rain had stopped and the sky was a curdled gray burdened with lumps of clouds. A cool breeze blew through the park. More families turned up. Afghans greeted each other, hugged, kissed, exchanged food. Someone lighted coal in a barbecue and soon the smell of garlic and morgh kabob flooded my senses. There was music, some new singer I didn’t know, and the giggling of children. I saw Sohrab, still in his yellow raincoat, leaning against a garbage pail, staring across the park at the empty batting cage.
到三点的时候，雨停了，铅灰色的天空阴云密布，一阵寒风吹过公园。更多的家庭来到了。阿富汗人彼此问候，拥抱，亲吻，交换食物。有人在烧烤炉中点了木炭，很快，我闻到大蒜和烤肉的香味。我听到音乐，一些我不认识的新歌星的音乐，还有孩子们的咯咯笑。我看见索拉博依旧穿着他的黄色雨衣，斜倚着一个垃圾桶，眼光越过公园，望着那头空荡荡的击球练习区。
A little while later, as I was chatting with the former surgeon, who told me he and Baba had been classmates in eighth grade, Soraya pulled on my sleeve. “Amir, look!”
过了一会儿，我正在跟那个原来当外科医师的人聊天，他说他念八年级的时候跟我爸爸是同学，索拉雅拉拉我的衣袖：“阿米尔，看！”
“Check it out,” Soraya said, and this time she was pointing to a guy selling kites from a stand nearby.
“去看看。”索拉雅说，这次她指着一个在附近摆摊卖风筝的家伙。
“Hold this,” I said. I gave my cup of tea to Soraya. I excused myself and walked over to the kite stand, my shoes squishing on the wet grass. I pointed to a yellow seh-parcha. “Sawl-e-nau mubabrak,” the kite seller said, taking the twenty and handing me the kite and a wooden spool of glass tar. I thanked him and wished him a Happy New Year too. I tested the string the way Hassan and I used to, by holding it between my thumb and forefinger and pulling it. It reddened with blood and the kite seller smiled. I smiled back.
“拿着。”我说，把茶杯递给索拉雅。我告辞离开，鞋子踩在潮湿的草地上，走到那个风筝摊。我指着一只黄色风筝。“新年快乐。”卖风筝的人说，接过二十美元，把那个风筝和一个缠着玻璃线的木轴递给我。我向他道谢，也祝他新年快乐。我试试风筝线，像过去哈桑和我经常做的那样，用拇指和食指捏着拉开。它被血染红，卖风筝那人微微发笑，我报以微笑。
She was pointing to the sky. A half-dozen kites were flying high, speckles of bright yellow, red, and green against the gray sky.
她指着天空。几只风筝高高飞翔，黄色的、红色的、绿色的，点缀在灰色的天空上，格外夺目。
“Do you like the seh-parcha?” I said, holding up the kite by the ends of the cross bars. His eyes shifted from the sky to me, to the kite, then back. A few rivulets of rain trickled from his hair, down his face.
“你喜欢风筝吗？”我举起风筝横轴的两端。他的眼睛从天空落到我身上，看看风筝，又望着我。几点雨珠从他头发上滴下来，流下他的脸庞。
I took the kite to where Sohrab was standing, still leaning against the garbage pail, arms crossed on his chest. He was looking up at the sky.
我把风筝带到索拉博站着的地方，他仍倚着垃圾桶，双手抱在胸前，抬头望着天空。
“I read once that, in Malaysia, they use kites to catch fish,” I said. “I’ll bet you didn’t know that. They tie a fishing line to it and fly it beyond the shallow waters, so it doesn’t cast a shadow and scare the fish. And in ancient China, generals used to fly kites over battlefields to send messages to their men. It’s true. I’m not slipping you a trick.” I showed him my bloody thumb. “Nothing wrong with the tar either.”
“有一次我在书上看到，在马来西亚，人们用风筝来捉鱼。”我说，“我敢打赌你不知道。他们在风筝上绑钓鱼线，让它飞过浅水，这样它就不会投下阴影，不会吓走鱼儿。在古代中国，那些将领经常在战场放飞风筝，给他们的人传讯。这是真的，我不是在跟你开玩笑。”我把流血的拇指给他看，“这根线也没问题。”
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Soraya watching us from the tent. Hands tensely dug in her armpits. Unlike me, she’d gradually abandoned her attempts at engaging him. The unanswered questions, the blank stares, the silence, it was all too painful. She had shifted to “Holding Pattern,” waiting for a green light from Sohrab. Waiting.
我用眼角的余光瞥见索拉雅在帐篷那边望着我们，她双手紧张地夹在腋下。跟我不同的是，她已经慢慢放弃了亲近他的念头。那些问而不答的状况、那空洞的眼神、那沉默，所有这些太让人痛苦了。她已经转入“待命状态”，等着索拉博亮起绿灯。等待着。
I wet my index finger and held it up. “I remember the way your father checked the wind was to kick up dust with his sandal, see which way the wind blew it. He knew a lot of little tricks like that,” I said. Lowered my finger. “West, I think.”
我舔舔食指，将它竖起来。“我记得你父亲测风向的办法是用他的拖鞋踢起尘土，看风将它吹到哪儿。他懂得很多这样的小技巧。”我放低手指说，“西风，我想。”
Sohrab wiped a raindrop from his earlobe and shifted on his feet. Said nothing. I thought of Soraya asking me a few months ago what his voice sounded like. I’d told her I didn’t remember anymore.
索拉博擦去耳垂上的一点雨珠，双脚磨地，什么也没说。我想起索拉雅几个月前问我，他的声音听起来像什么。我告诉她我也不记得了。
“Did I ever tell you your father was the best kite runner in Wazir Akbar Khan? Maybe all of Kabul?” I said, knotting the loose end of the spool tar to the string loop tied to the center spar. “How jealous he made the neighborhood kids. He’d run kites and never look up at the sky, and people used to say he was chasing the kite’s shadow. But they didn’t know him like I did. Your father wasn’t chasing any shadows. He just… knew.”
“我有没有跟你说过，你爸爸是瓦兹尔·阿克巴·汗区最棒的追风筝的人？也许还是全喀布尔最棒的？”我一边说，一边将卷轴的线头系在风筝中轴的圆环上。“邻居的小孩都很妒忌他。他追风筝的时候从来不用看着天空，大家经常说他追着风筝的影子。但他们不知道我知道的事情，你爸爸不是在追什么影子，他只是…知道。”
Another half-dozen kites had taken flight. People had started to gather in clumps, teacups in hand, eyes glued to the sky.
又有几只风筝飞起来，人们开始三五成群聚在一起，手里拿着茶杯，望向天空。
“Do you want to help me fly this?” I said.
“你想帮我飞吗？”我说了。
Sohrab’s gaze bounced from the kite to me. Back to the sky.
索拉博的目光从风筝上转到我身上。望回天空。
I balanced the spool in my left hand and fed about three feet of tar. The yellow kite dangled at the end of it, just above the wet grass. “Last chance,” I said. But Sohrab was looking at a pair of kites tangling high above the trees.
我左手拿稳卷轴，放开大约三英尺的线。黄色的风筝吊在线后摇晃，就在湿草地上面。“最后的机会了哦。”我说。可是索拉博看着两只高高飞在树顶之上的风筝。
“All right. Here I go.” I took off running, my sneakers splashing rainwater from puddles, the hand clutching the kite end of the string held high above my head. It had been so long, so many years since I’d done this, and I wondered if I’d make a spectacle of myself. I let the spool roll in my left hand as I ran, felt the string cut my right hand again as it fed through. The kite was lifting behind my shoulder now, lifting, wheeling, and I ran harder. The spool spun faster and the glass string tore another gash in my right palm. I stopped and turned. Looked up. Smiled. High above, my kite was tilting side to side like a pendulum, making that old paper-bird-flapping-its-wings sound I always associated with winter mornings in Kabul. I hadn’t flown a kite in a quarter of a century, but suddenly I was twelve again and all the old instincts came rushing back.
“好吧，那我开始了。”我撒腿跑开，运动鞋从水洼中溅起阵阵雨水，手里抓着线连着风筝的那头，高举在头顶。我已经有很久、很多年没这么做过了，我在怀疑自己会不会出洋相。我边跑边让卷轴在我手里转开，感到线放开的时候又割伤了我的右手。风筝在我肩膀后面飞起来了，飞翔着，旋转着，我跑得更快了。卷轴迅速旋转，风筝线再次在我右掌割开一道伤痕。我站住，转身，举头，微笑。在高高的上方，我的风筝像钟摆那样从一边荡到另一边，发出那久远的“鸟儿扑打翅膀”的声音，那种总是让我联想起喀布尔冬天早晨的声音。我已经有四分之一个世纪没有放过风筝了，但刹那之间，我又变成十二岁，过去那些感觉统统涌上心头。
“Okay.” I shrugged. “Looks like I’ll have to fly it tanhaii.” Solo.
“好吧。”我耸耸肩，“看来我得一个人把它放起来了。”
“Do you want to try?” I asked. He said nothing. But when I held the string out for him, his hand lifted from his pocket. Hesitated. Took the string. My heart quickened as I spun the spool to gather the loose string. We stood quietly side by side. Necks bent up.
“你想试试吗？”我问。他一语不发，但我把线递给他的时候，他的手从口袋伸出来，犹疑不决，接过线。我转动卷轴把线松开，心跳加速。我们静静地并排站着，脖子仰起。
Then I saw we had company. A green kite was closing in. I traced the string to a kid standing about thirty yards from us. He had a crew cut and a T-shirt that read THE ROCK RULES in bold block letters. He saw me looking at him and smiled. Waved. I waved back.
接着我看到我们有伴了。一只绿色的风筝正在靠近。我沿着线往下看，见到一个孩子站在离我们三十米外。他留着平头，身上的恤衫用粗黑字体印着“ROCK RULES”。他见到我在看着他，微微发笑，招招手。我也朝他招手。
I felt a presence next to me and looked down. It was Sohrab. Hands dug deep in the pockets of his raincoat. He had followed me.
我感到有人在我旁边，眼睛朝下看：是索拉博。他双手深深插在雨衣口袋中，跟在我身后。
Around us, kids chased each other, slid on the grass. Someone was playing an old Hindi movie soundtrack now. A line of elderly men were praying afternoon namaz on a plastic sheet spread on the ground. The air smelled of wet grass, smoke, and grilled meat. I wished time would stand still.
孩子在我们身边相互追逐，不断有人跌在草地上。现在有人用口琴吹奏出一曲印度老电影的音乐。一排老人在地面铺开塑料布，跪在其上做下午祷告。空气散发着湿润的青草味、烟味和烤肉味。我希望时间能静止不动。
Sohrab was handing the string back to me.
索拉博把线交还我。
He took the spool from me.
他从我手里拿回卷轴。
“Are you sure?” I said, taking it.
“你确定吗？”我说，接过它。
The green kite drew closer yet, now rising a little above us, unaware of the trap I’d set for it. “Watch, Sohrab. I’m going to show you one of your father’s favorite tricks, the old lift-and-dive.”
绿风筝已经更近了，在我们稍高的地方拉升，对我为它布下的陷阱毫不知情。“看，索拉博，我会让你看看你爸爸最喜欢的招数，那招古老的猛升急降。”
The green kite was making its move. “Let’s wait,” I said. “We’ll let him get a little closer.” It dipped twice and crept toward us. “Come on. Come to me,” I said.
绿色风筝采取行动了。“我们等等，”我说，“我们会让它下探了两次，慢慢朝我们挪过来。”来啊，过来啊。“我说。”
“Okay,” I said. “Let’s give him a sabagh, teach him a lesson, nay?” I glanced over at him. The glassy, vacant look in his eyes was gone. His gaze flitted between our kite and the green one. His face was a little flushed, his eyes suddenly alert. Awake. Alive. I wondered when I had forgotten that, despite everything, he was still just a child.
“好的。”我说，“让我们给他一点颜色瞧瞧，教训他一下，好吧？”我俯视着他，他眼里那种模糊空洞的神色已经不见了。他的眼光在我们的风筝和那只绿色风筝之间来回转动，脸色有一点点发红，眼睛骤然机警起来。苏醒了。复活了。我在寻思，我什么时候忘了？不管怎么说，他仍只是一个孩子。
Next to me, Sohrab was breathing rapidly through his nose. The spool rolled in his palms, the tendons in his scarred wrists like rubab strings. Then I blinked and, for just a moment, the hands holding the spool were the chipped-nailed, calloused hands of a harelipped boy. I heard a crow cawing somewhere and I looked up. The park shimmered with snow so fresh, so dazzling white, it burned my eyes. It sprinkled soundlessly from the branches of white-clad trees. I smelled turnip qurma now. Dried mulberries. Sour oranges. Sawdust and walnuts. The muffled quiet, snow-quiet, was deafening. Then far away, across the stillness, a voice calling us home, the voice of a man who dragged his right leg.
索拉博挨着我，用鼻子急促地呼吸着。卷轴在他手中滚动，他伤痕累累的手腕上的筋腱很像雷巴布琴的琴弦。我眨眨眼，瞬间，拿着卷轴的是一个兔唇男孩指甲破裂、长满老茧的手。我听见某个地方传来牛的哞哞叫，而我抬头，公园闪闪发光，铺满的雪多么新鲜，白得多么耀眼，令我目眩神迷。雪花无声地洒落在白色的枝头上，现在我闻到了芜菁拌饭的香味，还有桑葚干、酸橙子、锯屑和胡桃的气味。一阵雪花飞舞的寂静盖住了所有声音。然后，远远地，有个声音穿透这片死寂，呼喊我们回家，是那个拖着右腿的男人的声音。
The green kite hesitated. Held position. Then shot down. “Here he comes!” I said.
绿风筝摇摇晃晃，定住位，接着向下冲。“他玩完了！”我说。
The green kite hovered directly above us now. “He’s going for it. Anytime now,” I said, my eyes flicking from Sohrab to our kite.
绿风筝现在就在我们正上方翱翔。“我们现在随时可以把它干掉了。”我说，眼睛在索拉博和我们的风筝间飞快地转着。
Then, just like that, the green kite was spinning and wheeling out of control.
然后，就那样，风筝失去控制，摇摇晃晃地摔下来。
I did it perfectly. After all these years. The old lift-and-dive trap. I loosened my grip and tugged on the string, dipping and dodging the green kite. A series of quick sidearm jerks and our kite shot up counterclockwise, in a half circle. Suddenly I was on top. The green kite was scrambling now, panic-stricken. But it was too late. I’d already slipped him Hassan’s trick. I pulled hard and our kite plummeted. I could almost feel our string sawing his. Almost heard the snap.
这么多年之后，我无懈可击地再次使出那招古老的猛升急降。我松开手，猛拉着线，往下避开那只绿风筝。我侧过手臂，一阵急遽的抖动之后，我们的风筝逆时针划出一个半圆。我突然占据了上面的位置。绿色风筝现在惊惶失措，慌乱地向上攀升。但它已经太迟了，我已经使出哈桑的绝技。我猛拉着线，我们的风筝直坠而下。我几乎能听见我们的线割断他的线，几乎能听见那一声断裂。
I looked down at Sohrab. One corner of his mouth had curled up just so.
我俯视索拉博，他嘴角的一边微微翘起。
Behind us, people cheered. Whistles and applause broke out. I was panting. The last time I had felt a rush like this was that day in the winter of 1975, just after I had cut the last kite, when I spotted Baba on our rooftop, clapping, beaming.
我们身后的人们欢呼叫好，爆发出阵阵口哨声和掌声。我喘着气。上一次感到这么激动，是在1975年那个冬日，就在我刚刚割断最后一只风筝之后，当时我看见爸爸在我们的屋顶上，鼓着掌，容光焕发。
I ran. A grown man running with a swarm of screaming children. But I didn’t care. I ran with the wind blowing in my face, and a smile as wide as the Valley of Panjsher on my lips.
我追。一个成年人在一群尖叫的孩子中奔跑。但我不在乎。我追，风拂过我的脸庞，我唇上挂着一个像潘杰希尔峡谷那样大大的微笑。
But I’ll take it. With open arms. Because when spring comes, it melts the snow one flake at a time, and maybe I just witnessed the first flake melting.
但我会迎接它，张开双臂。因为每逢春天到来，它总是每次融化一片雪花；而也许我刚刚看到的，正是第一片雪花的融化。
I ran.
我追。
But there.
但就在那儿。
“For you, a thousand times over,” I heard myself say.
“为你，千千万万遍。”我听见自己说。
Then I turned and ran.
然后我转过身，我追。
His Adam’s apple rose and fell as he swallowed. The wind lifted his hair. I thought I saw him nod.
他的喉结吞咽着上下蠕动。风掠起他的头发。我想我看到他点头。
It was only a smile, nothing more. It didn’t make everything all right. It didn’t make anything all right. Only a smile. A tiny thing. A leaf in the woods, shaking in the wake of a startled bird’s flight.
它只是一个微笑，没有别的了。它没有让所有事情恢复正常。它没有让任何事情恢复正常。只是一个微笑，一件小小的事情，像是树林中的一片叶子，在惊鸟的飞起中晃动着。
“Do you want me to run that kite for you?”
“你想要我追那只风筝给你吗？”
A smile. Lopsided. Hardly there.
微笑，斜斜的，几乎看不见。
Behind us, kids were scampering, and a melee of screaming kite runners was chasing the loose kite drifting high above the trees. I blinked and the smile was gone. But it had been there. I had seen it.
在我们后面，孩子们在飞奔，追风筝的人不断尖叫，乱成一团，追逐那只在树顶高高之上飘摇的断线风筝。我眨眼，微笑不见了。但它在那儿出现过，我看见了。
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