“Do you have calendula?” the midwife said. “I also need lobelia and witch hazel.”
“你有金盏花吗？”助产士问，“我还需要半边莲和金缕梅。”
She was sitting at the kitchen counter, watching Mother rummage through our birchwood cabinets. An electric scale sat on the counter between them, and occasionally Mother would use it to weigh dried leaves. It was spring. There was a morning chill despite the bright sunlight.
她坐在厨房流理台前，看着母亲在我们的桦木橱柜里翻找。她们之间的台面上放着一台电子秤，母亲偶尔会用它给干树叶称重。那是春天，尽管阳光明媚，早晨还是有一丝寒意。
I retrieved the tincture, and my mother packed it in a plastic grocery bag with the dried herbs. “Anything else?” Mother laughed. The pitch was high, nervous. The midwife intimidated her, and when intimidated my mother took on a weightless quality, whisking about every time the midwife made one of her slow, solid movements.
我取回酊剂，母亲把它和干药草一起装在一个塑料食品袋里。“还需要别的吗？”母亲大笑着说，音调很高，很紧张。助产士让她感到害怕，每当害怕时，母亲就会变得轻飘飘的，而每当助产士做出一个缓慢而坚定的动作，她都晃来晃去。
She was a short, plump woman in her late forties, with eleven children and a russet-colored wart on her chin. She had the longest hair I’d ever seen, a cascade the color of field mice that fell to her knees when she took it out of its tight bun. Her features were heavy, her voice thick with authority. She had no license, no certificates. She was a midwife entirely by the power of her own say-so, which was more than enough.
她又矮又胖，四十多岁，有十一个孩子，下巴上长着一个黄褐色的疣。她的头发和田鼠一个颜色，是我见过的最长的。当她把绷紧的发髻解开时，头发如瀑布般垂落至膝处。她面容阴沉，嗓音粗重而威严。她没有执照，也没有证书。助产士完全是她自我认证的，但这就足够了。
“I made a fresh batch of calendula last week,” Mother said. “Tara, run and fetch it.”
“我上周做了一批新鲜的金盏花酊剂，”母亲说，“塔拉，快去拿来。”
The midwife surveyed her list. “That will do.”
助产士浏览了一下清单。“够了。”
The midwife looked as though she hadn’t given a thought to her appearance in a decade, and the way she carried herself made you feel foolish for having noticed.
助产士看上去仿佛已经有十年没在意过外表了，而她的举止让你感觉注意到这点很愚蠢。
Mother was to be her assistant. I remember watching them that first day, comparing them. Mother with her rose-petal skin and her hair curled into soft waves that bounced about her shoulders. Her eyelids shimmered. Mother did her makeup every morning, but if she didn’t have time she’d apologize all day, as if by not doing it, she had inconvenienced everyone.
母亲将做她的助手。记得第一天我看着她们，暗自比较。母亲有着玫瑰花瓣般的皮肤，头发卷成柔软的波浪，在肩膀周围跳来跳去，眼皮闪闪发亮。母亲每天早上都化妆，如果来不及化妆，她一整天都会为此道歉，就好像不化妆给所有人都带来了不便。
The midwife nodded goodbye, her arms full of Mother’s herbs.
助产士怀里抱着母亲的草药，点头道别。
The next time the midwife came she brought her daughter Maria, who stood next to her mother, imitating her movements, with a baby wedged against her wiry nine-year-old frame. I stared hopefully at her. I hadn’t met many other girls like me, who didn’t go to school. I edged closer, trying to draw her attention, but she was wholly absorbed in listening to her mother, who was explaining how cramp bark and motherwort should be administered to treat post-birth contractions. Maria’s head bobbed in agreement; her eyes never left her mother’s face.
助产士下次来我家时，带着她的女儿玛丽亚。玛丽亚站在她母亲旁边，模仿她的动作，一个婴儿背在她九岁的精瘦的身体上。我满怀期待地盯着她。我没见过多少像我一样不上学的女孩。我慢慢靠近她，试图吸引她的注意，但她全神贯注地听她母亲说话，她母亲正在解释如何用痉挛树皮和益母草调治产后子宫收缩。玛丽亚点头表示赞同，目不转睛地盯着她母亲的脸。
“Are you going?” she said.
“你要去吗？”她说。
I trudged down the hall to my room, alone, but when I turned to shut the door she was standing in it, still toting the baby on her hip. He was a meaty box of flesh, and her torso bent sharply at the waist to offset his bulk.
我独自拖着沉重的脚步穿过走廊，来到自己房间，但当我转身要关门，发现她站在那里，仍然背着婴儿。小宝宝肉嘟嘟的，她不得不使劲弯着腰才背得住他。
“I always go,” she said. “Have you seen a baby get born?”
“我总会去，”她说，“你见过生孩子吗？”
I didn’t understand the question.
我不明白她在问什么。
Mother rested for several minutes, until she regained some color, then she told the story. The labor had been long, grueling, and when the baby finally came the mother had torn, and badly. There was blood everywhere. The hemorrhage wouldn’t stop. That’s when Mother realized the umbilical cord had wrapped around the baby’s throat. He was purple, so still Mother thought he was dead. As Mother recounted these details, the blood drained from her face until she sat, pale as an egg, her arms wrapped around herself.
母亲休息了几分钟，直到恢复了一些颜色，才讲述了事情的经过。分娩过程漫长又折磨人，当婴儿终于降生时，产妇已经严重撕裂。到处都是血。大出血不止。就在这时，母亲才意识到脐带一度缠住了婴儿的喉咙。婴儿全身发紫，一动不动，母亲还以为他死了。母亲讲述这些细节时，面无血色，像鸡蛋一样苍白，最后她坐下来，用双臂环抱住自己。
The first time mother assisted with a birth she was gone for two days. Then she wafted through the back door, so pale she seemed translucent, and drifted to the couch, where she stayed, trembling. “It was awful,” she whispered. “Even Judy said she was scared.” Mother closed her eyes. “She didn’t look scared.”
母亲第一次去协助生产，在外面待了两天。然后她从后门飘了进来，脸色苍白，近乎透明，飘移到沙发上，浑身直打哆嗦。“太可怕了，”她低声说，“连朱迪也说自己被吓到了。”母亲闭上了眼睛，“可她看上去并不害怕。”
“No.”
“没有。”
“I have, lots of times. Do you know what it means when a baby comes breech?”
“我见过很多次了。你知道婴儿‘臀位’是什么意思吗？”
“No.” I said it like an apology.
“不知道。”我回答，感觉像是在道歉。
Mother didn’t want to be a midwife. Midwifery had been Dad’s idea, one of his schemes for self-reliance. There was nothing he hated more than our being dependent on the Government. Dad said one day we would be completely off the grid. As soon as he could get the money together, he planned to build a pipeline to bring water down from the mountain, and after that he’d install solar panels all over the farm. That way we’d have water and electricity in the End of Days, when everyone else was drinking from puddles and living in darkness. Mother was an herbalist so she could tend our health, and if she learned to midwife she would be able to deliver the grandchildren when they came along.
母亲不想当助产士。这自始至终都是爸爸的主意，是他自力更生计划的一部分。没有什么比我们依赖政府更令他厌恶的了。爸爸说总有一天我们会完全自给自足。待他一筹到钱，他就计划修建一条从山上取水的管道，然后在农场各处安装太阳能电池板。这样，在世界末日，当其他人都生活在黑暗中，喝水坑里的水，我们还有水和电。母亲是草药师，所以她能照料我们的健康；如果她学会助产，就能在孙子孙女出生时接生了。
Audrey made chamomile tea and we put our mother to bed. When Dad came home that night, Mother told him the same story. “I can’t do it,” she said. “Judy can, but I can’t.” Dad put an arm on her shoulder. “This is a calling from the Lord,” he said. “And sometimes the Lord asks for hard things.”
奥黛丽泡了甘菊茶，之后我们让母亲上床睡觉。那天晚上爸爸回家时，母亲又把这件事给他讲了一遍。“我做不到，”她说，“朱迪可以，但我不行。”爸爸把胳膊搭在她肩上。“这是上帝的召唤，”他说，“有时候上帝要求我们做的事充满艰难。”
The midwife came to visit Mother a few days after the first birth. She brought Maria, who again followed me to my room. “It’s too bad your mother got a bad one her first time,” she said, smiling. “The next one will be easier.”
第一次接生过后几天，助产士来看望母亲。她带着玛丽亚，玛丽亚又跟着我来到我的房间。“你母亲第一次接生就不顺利，真是太糟糕了。”她笑着说，“下一次就容易多了。”
Months passed in this way, Mother leaving the house at all hours and coming home, trembling, relieved to her core that it was over. By the time the leaves started to fall she’d helped with a dozen births. By the end of winter, several dozen. In the spring she told my father she’d had enough, that she could deliver a baby if she had to, if it was the End of the World. Now she could stop.
就这样过了几个月，母亲随时都会离开家，再哆哆嗦嗦地回到家，为终于了了一桩事而松了一口气。当树叶开始凋落时，她已经帮忙接生了十几个孩子。到冬天过完，已有几十个孩子。春天，她告诉父亲，她干够了，如果世界末日来临，如果她迫不得已，她会接生孩子的，但现在她不想干了。
A few weeks later, this prediction was tested. It was midnight. Because we didn’t have a phone, the midwife called Grandma-down-the-hill, who walked up the hill, tired and ornery, and barked that it was time for Mother to go “play doctor.” She stayed only minutes but woke the whole house. “Why you people can’t just go to a hospital like everyone else is beyond me,” she shouted, slamming the door on her way out.
几周后，这个预言应验了。那是午夜时分。因为我们没有电话，助产士打给了山下奶奶。奶奶爬上山来到我家，又累又气，大喊着让母亲去“扮医生”。她只待了几分钟就把全家人都吵醒了。“为什么你们这些人不能和别人一样去医院，我真不明白。”她大叫着，砰的一声关上门走了。
Mother retrieved her overnight bag and the tackle box she’d filled with dark bottles of tincture, then she walked slowly out the door. I was anxious and slept badly, but when Mother came home the next morning, hair deranged and dark circles under her eyes, her lips were parted in a wide smile. “It was a girl,” she said. Then she went to bed and slept all day.
母亲拿上她的小手提袋和装满酊剂黑瓶的工具箱，缓缓走出家门。我很担心，一晚上没睡好。但第二天早晨母亲回到家时，头发乱作一团，眼睛下面有黑眼圈，咧着嘴露出灿烂的笑容。“是个女孩。”她说。然后她上床睡了一整天。
Midwifery was not illegal in the state of Idaho, but it had not yet been sanctioned. If a delivery went wrong, a midwife might face charges for practicing medicine without a license; if things went very wrong, she could face criminal charges for manslaughter, even prison time. Few women would take such a risk, so midwives were scarce: on the day Judy left for Wyoming, Mother became the only midwife for a hundred miles.
助产在爱达荷州并不违法，但尚未得到批准。如果分娩出了问题，助产士可能会面临无证行医的指控；如果出了大事故，助产士可能会面临过失杀人的刑事指控，甚至要坐牢。鲜有哪个女人甘愿冒此风险，所以助产士很稀缺：朱迪离开去怀俄明州的那天，母亲成了方圆百英里内唯一的助产士。
Mother shook her head. “I can’t,” she said. “Besides, who would hire me when they could hire Judy?”
母亲摇了摇头。“我不行，”她说，“再说了，人家都去找朱迪，谁会雇我呢？”
Dad’s face sank when she said this. He reminded her that this was God’s will, that it would bless our family. “You need to be a midwife,” he said. “You need to deliver a baby on your own.”
听到她说这话，爸爸脸色一沉。他提醒她这是上帝的旨意，这会保佑我们的家人。“你需要成为一名助产士，”他说，“你需要独自一人接生孩子。”
She’d jinxed herself, thrown her gauntlet before God. Soon after, Maria told me her father had a new job in Wyoming. “Mom says your mother should take over,” Maria said. A thrilling image took shape in my imagination, of me in Maria’s role, the midwife’s daughter, confident, knowledgeable. But when I turned to look at my mother standing next to me, the image turned to vapor.
挑战上帝的意志，给她自己带来了厄运。不久，玛丽亚告诉我，她父亲在怀俄明州找到了一份新工作。“我妈妈说接生的活该由你母亲接管。”玛丽亚说。一个激动人心的形象在我想象中成形，我扮演玛丽亚的角色，成了助产士的女儿，自信、博学。但当我转过身来看着站在我身旁的母亲时，那个形象瞬间蒸发了。
The woman returned several times, perching on our sofa again and again, describing the uncomplicated births of her other children. Whenever Dad saw the woman’s car from the junkyard, he’d often come into the house, quietly, through the back door, on the pretense of getting water; then he’d stand in the kitchen taking slow, silent sips, his ear bent toward the living room. Each time the woman left Dad could hardly contain his excitement, so that finally, succumbing to either the woman’s desperation or to Dad’s elation, or to both, Mother gave way.
那个女人又来了好几次，一次次坐在我们家沙发上，讲述她以前生孩子的顺利过程。每当爸爸从废料场看到那个女人的车，他总是借口要喝水，从后门悄悄溜进屋，然后站在厨房里，一边不紧不慢、一声不吭地小口啜饮，一边向起居室方向竖起耳朵偷听。每次那个女人离开后，爸爸都难以抑制他的兴奋。最后，也许是因为那个女人的绝望，也许是因为爸爸的喜悦，也许是两个因素的共同作用，母亲让步了。
Women with swollen bellies began coming to the house and begging Mother to deliver their babies. Mother crumpled at the thought. One woman sat on the edge of our faded yellow sofa, her eyes cast downward, as she explained that her husband was out of work and they didn’t have money for a hospital. Mother sat quietly, eyes focused, lips tight, her whole expression momentarily solid. Then the expression dissolved and she said, in her small voice, “I’m not a midwife, just an assistant.”
挺着大肚子的女人开始陆陆续续来到我家，请求母亲为她们接生孩子。母亲一想到这个就皱眉。一个女人坐在我们家褪色的黄沙发边缘，眼睛低垂，解释说，她的丈夫失业了，家里没钱去医院。母亲静静地坐着，眼神专注，双唇紧闭，整个表情瞬间凝固。接着她的表情缓和了，小声说：“我不是助产士，只是个助手。”
The birth went smoothly. Then the woman had a friend who was also pregnant, and Mother delivered her baby as well. Then that woman had a friend. Mother took on an assistant. Before long she was delivering so many babies that Audrey and I spent our days driving around the valley with her, watching her conduct prenatal exams and prescribe herbs. She became our teacher in a way that, because we rarely held school at home, she’d never been before. She explained every remedy and palliative. If So-and-so’s blood pressure was high, she should be given hawthorn to stabilize the collagen and dilate the coronary blood vessels. If Mrs. Someone-or-other was having premature contractions, she needed a bath in ginger to increase the supply of oxygen to the uterus.
生产过程很是顺利。接着这个女人有个朋友也怀孕了，也叫母亲去接生。然后那个女人也有个朋友要生孩子。母亲雇了一个助手。没过多久，她便要接生那么多的孩子，我和奥黛丽整天都陪她开车在山谷里转悠，看着她做产前检查，开草药药方。某种程度上她成了我们的老师，因为我们很少在家上课，她以前也从未教过我们。她给我们解释所有的疗法和缓和剂用法。如果某人的血压过高，应该服用山楂以稳定胶原蛋白，扩张冠状动脉血管；如果哪个产妇过早宫缩，需要用姜泡澡，增加子宫内氧气的供应。
Midwifing changed my mother. She was a grown woman with seven children, but this was the first time in her life that she was, without question or caveat, the one in charge. Sometimes, in the days after a birth, I detected in her something of Judy’s heavy presence, in a forceful turn of her head, or the imperious arch of an eyebrow. She stopped wearing makeup, then she stopped apologizing for not wearing it.
助产士的工作改变了我母亲。作为一名有七个孩子的成年女性，有生以来她第一次毋庸置疑地成为掌控局面的那个人。在成功为一个婴儿接生后的几天里，有时候，从她某次有力的扭头，或者画得浓重专横的眉毛上，我能察觉到她有了朱迪那样强大的气场。她不再化妆，也不再为没化妆而道歉。
Mother charged about five hundred dollars for a delivery, and this was another way midwifing changed her: suddenly she had money. Dad didn’t believe that women should work, but I suppose he thought it was all right for Mother to be paid for midwifing, because it undermined the Government. Also, we needed the money. Dad worked harder than any man I knew, but scrapping and building barns and hay sheds didn’t bring in much, and it helped that Mother could buy groceries with the envelopes of small bills she kept in her purse. Sometimes, if we’d spent the whole day flying about the valley, delivering herbs and doing prenatal exams, Mother would use that money to take me and Audrey out to eat. Grandma-over-in-town had given me a journal, pink with a caramel-colored teddy bear on the cover, and in it I recorded the first time Mother took us to a restaurant, which I described as “real fancy with menus and everything.” According to the entry, my meal came to $3.30.
母亲接生一次收费五百美元左右，这也是助产工作让她发生变化的另一种方式：突然间她有钱了。爸爸认为女人不应该工作，但我想他觉得母亲做助产士收费没有错，因为这损害了政府的利益，况且我们需要钱。虽然爸爸干起活来那股劲头无人能比，但是拆解废品、盖谷仓和干草棚并没有带来多少收入。而母亲掏腰包，用装在信封里的小额钞票买点儿食品杂货，还是帮了大忙的。有时候，如果我们一整天都在山谷里忙活，送草药、做产检，母亲就会用赚来的钱带我和奥黛丽出去吃饭。城里外婆以前送给我一本粉色日记本，封面上画着一只焦糖色的泰迪熊，里面记录着母亲第一次带我们去餐厅吃饭的情景。我是这样描述的：“真正的梦幻之地，有菜单和一切。”根据那则日记，我的那顿饭花了三美元三十美分。
Mother also used the money to improve herself as a midwife. She bought an oxygen tank in case a baby came out and couldn’t breathe, and she took a suturing class so she could stitch the women who tore. Judy had always sent women to the hospital for stitches, but Mother was determined to learn. Self-reliance, I imagine her thinking.
母亲也用这些钱来提高自己的助产技能。她购置了一个氧气罐，以防新生儿呼吸困难。她还去上缝合课，这样就能给下体撕裂的产妇进行缝合了。以前朱迪总是把这些产妇送到医院去缝针，但母亲下决心学习此技术。我能想象她脑子里想的是什么：自力更生。
With the rest of the money, Mother put in a phone line. One day a white van appeared, and a handful of men in dark overalls began climbing over the utility poles by the highway. Dad burst through the back door demanding to know what the hell was going on. “I thought you wanted a phone,” Mother said, her eyes so full of surprise they were irreproachable. She went on, talking fast. “You said there could be trouble if someone goes into labor and Grandma isn’t home to take the call. I thought, He’s right, we need a phone! Silly me! Did I misunderstand?”
母亲用剩下的钱安装了一部电话。一天，来了一辆白色面包车，一群身穿深色工装裤的人从车上下来，爬上公路旁的电线杆。爸爸从后门冲进来，质问到底发生了什么事。“我还以为你想安部电话呢，”母亲说，无辜的眼神里满是惊讶，“你不是说过，万一有人要生孩子，而奶奶不在家没法接电话，可就麻烦了。我心想，他说得对，我们需要安一部电话！我可真蠢！难道是我理解错了？”她继续说着，语速很快。
Dad stood there for several seconds, his mouth open. Of course a midwife needs a phone, he said. Then he went back to the junkyard and that’s all that was ever said about it. We hadn’t had a telephone for as long as I could remember, but the next day there it was, resting in a lime-green cradle, its glossy finish looking out of place next to the murky jars of cohosh and skullcap.
爸爸张着嘴站在那儿愣了几秒钟。当助产士当然需要电话，他说。接着他又返回废料场干活，没再说什么。记忆中我们还从没有过电话。但第二天电话就安好了，青柠绿的底座，表面闪着光泽，与旁边灰蒙蒙的升麻和美黄芩罐子极不相称。
Luke was fifteen when he asked Mother if he could have a birth certificate. He wanted to enroll in Driver’s Ed because Tony, our oldest brother, was making good money driving rigs hauling gravel, which he could do because he had a license. Shawn and Tyler, the next oldest after Tony, had birth certificates; it was only the youngest four — Luke, Audrey, Richard and me — who didn’t.
卢克十五岁时让母亲给他开一份出生证明。他想报名参加驾驶培训，因为我们的大哥托尼靠开卡车拉石头赚了很多钱。卢克要是有驾照，也能干这个活。老二肖恩和老三泰勒都有出生证，只有最小的四个孩子——卢克、奥黛丽、理查德和我——没有。
Mother began to file the paperwork. I don’t know if she talked it over with Dad first. If she did, I can’t explain what changed his mind — why suddenly a ten-year policy of not registering with the Government ended without a struggle — but I think maybe it was that telephone. It was almost as if my father had come to accept that if he were really going to do battle with the Government, he would have to take certain risks. Mother’s being a midwife would subvert the Medical Establishment, but in order to be a midwife she needed a phone. Perhaps the same logic was extended to Luke: Luke would need income to support a family, to buy supplies and prepare for the End of Days, so he needed a birth certificate. The other possibility is that Mother didn’t ask Dad. Perhaps she just decided, on her own, and he accepted her decision. Perhaps even he — charismatic gale of a man that he was — was temporarily swept aside by the force of her.
母亲着手准备书面申请。我不知道她是否先和爸爸商量过。如果她商量了，我无法解释是什么原因让他改变了主意——十年来他一直拒绝到政府部门注册，为什么突然放弃了抗争——但我觉得也许是因为那部电话。父亲似乎接受了这个事实：如果真要和政府开战，必须承担一定风险。母亲做助产士是对医疗机构的颠覆，但作为助产士，她需要一部电话。也许同样的逻辑也适用于卢克：卢克要想赚钱供养一个家庭，购买补给，为世界末日做准备，就需要一份出生证明。还有一种可能是母亲根本没跟爸爸商量。也许是她自己做主，而他接受了她的决定。也许就连威风凛凛的父亲一时也被她的力量所震慑。
Once she had begun the paperwork for Luke, Mother decided she might as well get birth certificates for all of us. It was harder than she expected. She tore the house apart looking for documents to prove we were her children. She found nothing. In my case, no one was sure when I’d been born. Mother remembered one date, Dad another, and Grandma-down-the-hill, who went to town and swore an affidavit that I was her granddaughter, gave a third date.
开始为卢克准备材料后，母亲决定给我们大家都办出生证明。事情比她想象中困难得多。她把房子翻了个底朝天，寻找一切可以证明我们是她的孩子的文件。什么也没找到。就我而言，没有一个人知道我的确切生日。母亲记得是这一天，爸爸记得是那一天，山下奶奶去城里做宣誓书陈述，证明我是她的孙女，给的日期又是另外一天。
Voices murmured on the other end of the line.
电话那头的人小声嘟哝了几句。
That week Mother was on the phone for hours every day. With the receiver wedged against her shoulder, the cord stretched across the kitchen, she cooked, cleaned, and strained tinctures of goldenseal and blessed thistle, while having the same conversation over and over.
那个星期，母亲每天都要打好几个小时的电话。她把听筒夹在肩上，电话线伸到厨房那头，不管是煮饭、打扫，还是制作白毛茛和赐福蓟草酊剂时，都在一遍又一遍地重复同样的话。
Mother called the church headquarters in Salt Lake City. A clerk there found a certificate from my christening, when I was a baby, and another from my baptism, which, as with all Mormon children, had occurred when I was eight. Mother requested copies. They arrived in the mail a few days later. “For Pete’s sake!” Mother said when she opened the envelope. Each document gave a different birth date, and neither matched the one Grandma had put on the affidavit.
母亲打电话给盐湖城的教会总部。那里的一名办事员找到一份我婴儿时受洗的证书，还有一份我八岁时受洗的证书。所有摩门教的孩子在八岁时都要受洗。母亲请求对方提供复印件，几天后复印件寄到了。“老天呀！”母亲打开信封时说。每份文件上的出生日期都不同，而且与奶奶在宣誓书上说的日期也不符。
“Obviously I should have registered her when she was born, but I didn’t. So here we are.”
“当然了，她出生时就该给她注册，但当时没办，所以现在才办。”
“I’ve already told you — and your subordinate, and your subordinate’s subordinate, and fifty other people this week — she doesn’t have school or medical records. She doesn’t have them! They weren’t lost. I can’t ask for copies. They don’t exist!”
“我已经对你说过了，这一星期我对你、你的下属、你下属的下属，还有其他不下五十个人都说过了，她没有上学记录或医疗记录。她没有这些！不是记录丢了！我没法去要复印件。记录压根儿就不存在！”
“Yes, I’ll hold.”
“好的，我等着。”
“No, I’m not sure.”
“不，我不确定。”
“No, I don’t have documentation.”
“不，我没有文件。”
Eventually, Mother persuaded Grandma-down-the-hill to swear a new affidavit claiming I’d been born on the twenty-seventh, even though Grandma still believed it was the twenty-ninth, and the state of Idaho issued a Delayed Certificate of Birth. I remember the day it came in the mail. It felt oddly dispossessing, being handed this first legal proof of my personhood: until that moment, it had never occurred to me that proof was required.
最终，母亲说服山下奶奶重新去做宣誓书陈述，说我是二十七号出生的，尽管奶奶仍然相信二十九号才是我的生日。爱达荷州颁发了一份延期出生证明。我还记得信件寄来的那天。当我拿到第一份证明我是个人的法律证据时，我的感觉怪怪的，就好像权利被人剥夺了：在此之前，我从未意识到这还需要证明。
“Her birthday? Let’s say the twenty-seventh.”
“她的生日？就算二十七号吧。”
The voices always put Mother on hold when she admitted that she didn’t know my birthday, passing her up the line to their superiors, as if not knowing what day I was born delegitimized the entire notion of my having an identity. You can’t be a person without a birthday, they seemed to say. I didn’t understand why not. Until Mother decided to get my birth certificate, not knowing my birthday had never seemed strange. I knew I’d been born near the end of September, and each year I picked a day, one that didn’t fall on a Sunday because it’s no fun spending your birthday in church. Sometimes I wished Mother would give me the phone so I could explain. “I have a birthday, same as you,” I wanted to tell the voices. “It just changes. Don’t you wish you could change your birthday?”
母亲每次坦白说不知道我的生日，对方总是让她稍等一下，把她的电话转给上级领导，仿佛不知道我哪天出生使得“我拥有身份”这整个概念都不成立了。他们似乎在说，人怎么可能没有生日？我不明白为什么不可以。在母亲决定给我办出生证明之前，我从不觉得不知道生日是件怪事。我知道我是在九月底出生的，每年我都会挑一个不是星期天的日子过生日，因为在教堂过生日很没趣。有时我希望母亲把电话递给我，这样我就可以自己解释。“和你一样，我也有生日，”我想告诉这些人，“只不过它不固定。难道你不希望能变换一下你的生日吗？”
In the end, I got my birth certificate long before Luke got his. When Mother had told the voices on the phone that she thought I’d been born sometime in the last week of September, they’d been silent. But when she told them she wasn’t exactly sure whether Luke had been born in May or June, that set the voices positively buzzing.
最后，我比卢克提前拿到了出生证明。母亲在电话里告诉那些人，说她觉得我是在九月最后一周的某一天出生时，他们默不作声。但当她告诉他们，说她不确定卢克是生在五月还是六月时，他们喋喋不休炸开了锅。
That fall, when I was nine, I went with Mother on a birth. I’d been asking to go for months, reminding her that Maria had seen a dozen births by the time she was my age. “I’m not a nursing mother,” she said. “I have no reason to take you. Besides, you wouldn’t like it.”
那年秋天我九岁了，陪同母亲一起去接生。几个月以来，我一直要求同去，提醒她玛丽亚在我这个年纪已经见过十几个孩子出生了。“我又不是哺乳期母亲，”她说，“没理由带你同去。再说，你也不会喜欢的。”
Eventually, Mother was hired by a woman who had several small children. It was arranged; I would tend them during the birth.
终于，一个有好几个小孩的女人雇母亲去接生，我便被安排在分娩期间照看孩子。
For ten miles Mother rehearsed with me what I was to say if the worst happened and the Feds came. Under no circumstances was I to tell them that my mother was a midwife. If they asked why we were there, I was to say nothing. Mother called it “the art of shutting up.” “You just keep saying you were asleep and you didn’t see anything and you don’t know anything and you can’t remember why we’re here,” she said. “Don’t give them any more rope to hang me with than they already have.”
十英里的车程中，母亲一路叮嘱我，万一最糟糕的情况发生，联邦政府的人也来了，我该说些什么。无论如何我都不能告诉他们母亲是一名助产士。若是他们问起我们为何在那里，我什么都不要说。母亲称之为“闭嘴艺术”。“你就一口咬定，说你睡着了，什么也没看见，什么都不知道，也不记得我们为什么来这里。”她说，“别给他们任何把我绳之以法的理由。”
The call came in the middle of the night. The mechanical ring drilled its way down the hall, and I held my breath, hoping it wasn’t a wrong number. A minute later Mother was at my bedside. “It’s time,” she said, and together we ran to the car.
电话是半夜打来的。刺耳的电话铃声响彻门厅，我屏住呼吸，希望不是谁打错了。一分钟后，母亲来到我床边。“该走了。”说完，我们一起向车子跑去。
I heard soft whispers and realized they were coming from her. She was chanting what-ifs to herself. What if something went wrong? What if there was a medical history they hadn’t told her about, some complication? Or what if it was something ordinary, a common crisis, and she panicked, froze, failed to stop the hemorrhage in time? In a few minutes we would be there, and she would have two lives in her small, trembling hands. Until that moment, I’d never understood the risk she was taking. “People die in hospitals,” she whispered, her fingers clenching the wheel, wraithlike. “Sometimes God calls them home, and there’s nothing anyone can do. But if it happens to a midwife –” She turned, speaking directly to me. “All it takes is one mistake, and you’ll be visiting me in prison.”
我听见轻声低语，意识到是她发出的。她在假设突发状况。如果出了问题怎么办？如果他们对她隐瞒病史，出现并发症怎么办？或者，如果只是并不十分危急的常见状况，但她惊慌失措吓呆了，没能及时止住出血怎么办？再过几分钟我们就要到了，她颤抖的双手将掌握两条生命。直到那一刻，我才明白她所冒的风险。“医院里也死人，”她低语道，紧握方向盘，像幽灵一般，“有时上帝召唤他们回家，任何人都无能为力。但是如果助产士碰上这种事——”她转过身来正对着我说，“只要发生一个失误，你就只能到监狱去看我了。”
Mother fell into silence. I studied her as she drove. Her face was illuminated by the lights in the dashboard, and it appeared ghostly white set against the utter blackness of country roads. Fear was etched into her features, in the bunching of her forehead and the tightening of her lips. Alone with just me, she put aside the persona she displayed for others. She was her old self again, fragile, breathy.
母亲陷入沉默。她开车的时候，我仔细打量着她。仪表盘上的灯光照亮了她的脸，在一片漆黑的乡间道路上，她的脸色苍白得有如鬼魂。恐惧蚀刻进她的面容，在她紧锁的眉头和紧闭的双唇里。单独和我在一起，她放下了人前的伪装。她又是那副老样子，脆弱，呼吸急促。
She barked orders and we moved wordlessly to follow them. The baby was born without complications. It was mythic and romantic, being an intimate witness to this turn in life’s cycle, but Mother had been right, I didn’t like it. It was long and exhausting, and smelled of groin sweat.
她大声下达命令，我们一言不发地执行。婴儿顺利出生，没有并发症。能亲眼见证一个新生命的诞生，既神奇又浪漫，但母亲说得没错，我并不喜欢。这一过程漫长而艰辛，还弥漫着一股腹股沟难闻的汗味。
We arrived and Mother transformed. She issued a string of commands, to the father, to the mother, and to me. I almost forgot to do what she asked, I couldn’t take my eyes off her. I realize now that that night I was seeing her for the first time, the secret strength of her.
我们一到那儿，母亲立刻像变了个人似的，给那户人家的男人、女人和我接连下达了一串命令。我无法把目光从她身上移开，几乎把她交代我做的事全忘了。现在我才意识到，那天晚上我第一次感觉到，她身上有股神奇的力量。
I didn’t ask to go on the next birth. Mother returned home pale and shaking. Her voice quivered as she told me and my sister the story: how the unborn baby’s heart rate had dropped dangerously low, to a mere tremor; how she’d called an ambulance, then decided they couldn’t wait and taken the mother in her own car. She’d driven at such speed that by the time she made it to the hospital, she’d acquired a police escort. In the ER, she’d tried to give the doctors the information they needed without seeming too knowledgeable, without making them suspect that she was an unlicensed midwife.
下次接生我就不再要求同去了。那次母亲回来时脸色苍白，浑身发抖。她用颤抖的声音告诉我和姐姐事情的经过：胎儿的心率如何下降，只剩震颤，十分危险；她如何打电话叫了一辆救护车，然后决定不能再等下去了，马上开自己的车送产妇去了医院。她开得如此之快，以至于到达医院时，后面还跟了一名护送的警察。在急诊室里，她尽力向医生提供他们所需的信息，同时又不能表现出懂得太多，不能让他们怀疑她是一名无执照的助产士。
The most dangerous moment for Mother had come minutes later, in the hospital, after the woman had been wheeled away. A doctor stopped Mother and asked why she’d been at the birth in the first place. She smiled at the memory. “I asked him the dumbest questions I could think of.” She put on a high, coquettish voice very unlike her own. “Oh! Was that the baby’s head? Aren’t babies supposed to come out feet-first?” The doctor was persuaded that she couldn’t possibly be a midwife.
对母亲来说，最危险的时刻还是在医院。就在那个女人被推走几分钟后，一位医生拦住了母亲，问她为什么会在生产现场。回忆起这个，母亲微笑着说：“我就问了他我能想到的最愚蠢的问题。”她换上一副妩媚的假嗓，和她本来的声音大不一样，高声说道：“哦！那是婴儿的头吗？难道不是该脚先出来吗？”医生信了，她怎么可能是助产士呢。
An emergency cesarean was performed. The mother and baby remained in the hospital for several days, and by the time they were released Mother had stopped trembling. In fact, she seemed exhilarated and had begun to tell the story differently, relishing the moment she’d been pulled over by the policeman, who was surprised to find a moaning woman, obviously in labor, in the backseat. “I slipped into the scatterbrained-woman routine,” she told me and Audrey, her voice growing louder, catching hold. “Men like to think they’re saving some brain-dead woman who’s got herself into a scrape. All I had to do was step aside and let him play the hero!”
医院紧急实施了剖腹产手术。产妇和婴儿在医院住了好几天，等到他们出院时母亲才不再战战兢兢。事实上，她似乎很是兴奋，开始以不同方式讲述这个故事。她很喜欢回忆被警察拦下的那一刻。警察惊奇地发现车后座上有一个不停呻吟的女人，显然正在分娩。“我就切换到脑残女人的模式，”她用越来越洪亮的声音告诉我和奥黛丽，“男人就愿意这么想，是他们拯救了陷入困境的傻女人。我只需靠边站，任他扮演英雄就好了！”
“Judy is a fine midwife,” I said, my chest rising. “But when it comes to doctors and cops, nobody plays stupid like my mother.”
“朱迪是个不错的助产士，”我挺起胸膛说，“但是谁也不如我母亲厉害，能在医生和警察面前装傻。”
There were no herbalists in Wyoming as good as Mother, so a few months after the incident at the hospital, Judy came to Buck’s Peak to restock. The two women chatted in the kitchen, Judy perched on a barstool, Mother leaning across the counter, her head resting lazily in her hand. I took the list of herbs to the storeroom. Maria, lugging a different baby, followed. I pulled dried leaves and clouded liquids from the shelves, all the while gushing about Mother’s exploits, finishing with the confrontation in the hospital. Maria had her own stories about dodging Feds, but when she began to tell one I interrupted her.
在怀俄明州没有像母亲一样好的草药师，所以医院事件几个月后，朱迪又回到巴克峰进货。两个女人在厨房里聊天，朱迪坐在凳子上，母亲倚着流理台，头懒洋洋地靠在手上。我拿着草药清单去储藏室。玛丽亚牵着一个孩子跟在后面。我一边从架子上取下干草叶和浑浊的药水，一边滔滔不绝地说着母亲的事迹，最后讲到了医院里的那场危机。玛丽亚自己也有不少逃避联邦政府人员的故事，但她刚开始讲，我就打断了她。
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