I tried to imagine what future such a woman might claim for herself. I tried to conjure other scenes in which she and her father were of two minds. When she ignored his counsel and kept her own. But my father had taught me that there are not two reasonable opinions to be had on any subject: there is Truth and there are Lies. I knelt on the carpet, listening to my father but studying this stranger, and felt suspended between them, drawn to each, repelled by both. I understood that no future could hold them; no destiny could tolerate him and her. I would remain a child, in perpetuity, always, or I would lose him.
我试想这样一个女人会有什么样的未来。我试想她与父亲见解不同的其他场景。她无视他的劝告，坚持己见。父亲曾教育我，对于任何问题都不可能同时存在两种合理的观点：真理只有一个，其他皆是谎言。我跪在地毯上，听着父亲讲话，又像是仔细端详着一个陌生人，觉得二者，既互相吸引，又互相排斥，而我悬在中间。我明白，没有任何未来可以同时容纳他们；没有命运能够同时容忍他和她。我将永远、始终做个孩子，否则我会失去他。
There was a moment that winter. I was kneeling on the carpet, listening to Dad testify of Mother’s calling as a healer, when my breath caught in my chest and I felt taken out of myself. I no longer saw my parents or our living room. What I saw was a woman grown, with her own mind, her own prayers, who no longer sat, childlike, at her father’s feet.
那是冬日的一天。我跪在地毯上，听爸爸为母亲受感召成为治疗者而作证时，一口气堵在胸口，感觉自己游离了出来。眼前不见父母和我们的起居室。我看见一个成年女人，她有自己的思想，有自己的祈祷，不再像孩子一样坐在父亲的脚边。
I saw the woman’s swollen belly and it was my belly. Next to her sat her mother, the midwife. She took her mother’s hand and said she wanted the baby delivered in a hospital, by a doctor. I’ll drive you, her mother said. The women moved toward the door, but the door was blocked — by loyalty, by obedience. By her father. He stood, immovable. But the woman was his daughter, and she had drawn to herself all his conviction, all his weightiness. She set him aside and moved through the door.
我看到那个女人肿胀的肚子，也就是我的肚子。她旁边坐着她的母亲，一位助产士。她握住母亲的手，说她想要宝宝在医院里由医生接生。我开车送你去，她的母亲说。两个女人朝门口走去，但是门被堵住了——被忠诚、被顺从，被她的父亲堵住了。他站在那里，一动不动。但那个女人是他的女儿，她曾被他的全部信念和力量所吸引。她没有理会他，径直从门口走了出去。
He strode past me and sat on my bed, then patted the mattress next to him. I took my seat, nervously, my feet barely touching the floor. I waited for him to speak, but the moments passed silently. His eyes were closed, his jaw slackened, as if he were listening to seraphic voices. “I’ve been praying,” he said. His voice was soft, a loving voice. “I’ve been praying about your decision to go to college.”
他大步从我身边走过，坐在我的床上，然后拍了拍旁边的床垫。我紧张地坐下来，双脚几乎碰不到地面。我等着他开口说话，但时间在无声地流逝。他闭上眼睛，下巴放松，好像在聆听天使的声音。“我一直在祈祷，”他说，他声音轻柔，充满爱意，“我一直在为你上大学的决定而祈祷。”
His eyes opened. His pupils had dilated in the lamplight, absorbing the hazel of the iris. I’d never seen eyes so given over to blackness; they seemed unearthly, tokens of spiritual power.
他睁开了眼睛。灯光下他的瞳孔放大了，吸收了虹膜的淡褐色。我从未见过如此沉浸于黑暗的眼睛：它们似乎超凡脱俗，是精神力量的象征。
“The Lord has called me to testify,” he said. “He is displeased. You have cast aside His blessings to whore after man’s knowledge. His wrath is stirred against you. It will not be long in coming.”
“上帝召我作见证。”他说，“他很不悦。你弃绝他的祝福，去无耻地追求人类的知识。他的怒气因你而起，不久就会降临。”
I was lying on my bed, watching the shadows my feeble lamp cast on the ceiling, when I heard my father’s voice at the door. Instinctively I jerked to my feet in a kind of salute, but once I was standing I wasn’t sure what to do. There was no precedent for this: my father had never visited my room before.
我躺在床上，望着微弱的灯光在天花板上投下的影子，这时听见门口传来父亲的声音。我本能地跳了起来，做了个类似敬礼的动作，但一旦站着我便不知所措。这史无前例：父亲以前从未来过我的房间。
I don’t remember my father standing to leave but he must have, while I sat, gripped by fear. God’s wrath had laid waste to cities, it had flooded the whole earth. I felt weak, then wholly powerless. I remembered that my life was not mine. I could be taken out of my body at any moment, dragged heavenward to reckon with a furious Father.
我不记得父亲什么时候起身离开，但他一定已经离开了，就在我坐着、被恐惧攫住的时候。上帝的愤怒曾将城邑夷为废墟，曾将整个大地悉数淹没。我感到虚弱，接着全身无力。我想起我的生命不属于我。我随时都可以被带离身体，被拖到天上去对峙愤怒的天父。
The next morning I found Mother mixing oils in the kitchen. “I’ve decided not to go to BYU,” I said.
第二天早上，我看到母亲在厨房调制精油。“我决定不去杨百翰大学了。”我说。
She looked up, fixing her eyes on the wall behind me, and whispered, “Don’t say that. I don’t want to hear that.”
她抬起头，定睛看着我身后的墙，小声说：“别这么说。我不想听。”
I didn’t understand. I’d thought she would be glad to see me yield to God.
我不明白。我以为她看到我向上帝屈服会很开心。
I heard Dad’s step on the stairwell. Mother sighed and her eyes fluttered, as if she were coming out of a trance.
我听到楼梯上爸爸的脚步声。母亲叹了口气，眨眨眼睛，好像正从恍惚中走出来似的。
Her gaze shifted to me. I hadn’t felt its strength in years and I was stunned by it. “Of all my children,” she said, “you were the one I thought would burst out of here in a blaze. I didn’t expect it from Tyler — that was a surprise — but you. Don’t you stay. Go. Don’t let anything stop you from going.”
她把目光转向我。我已多年未感受到她目光的力量了，为此我惊呆了。“在我所有的孩子中，”她说，“我原以为你才是那个穿越熊熊大火冲出这里的人。我从没料到会是泰勒——那令人意外——而不是你。你不要留下。走吧。不要让任何事阻止你走。”
It was an icy morning, much like the first, when I returned to the junkyard. It had changed. There were still pillars of mangled cars but they no longer dominated the landscape. A few years before, Dad had been hired by Utah Power to dismantle hundreds of utility towers. He had been allowed to keep the angle iron, and it was now stacked — four hundred thousand pounds of it — in tangled mountains all over the yard.
那是一个寒冷的早晨，和我第一次来废料场干活时一样。废料场变了样。虽然那里仍然堆放着如山的废旧汽车，但它们不再是主导周围的景观了。几年前，犹他州电力公司雇爸爸拆除了数百座设备塔，允许他留下角铁——共计四十万磅——如今它们就像小山一样乱七八糟地堆放在院子各处。
Without shawn as foreman, Dad’s construction business dwindled. I’d quit my job at Randy’s to look after Shawn. Now I needed money, so when Dad went back to scrapping that winter, so did I.
没有肖恩当工头，爸爸的建筑生意日益萎缩。为了照顾肖恩，我已经辞掉了兰迪商店的工作。现在我需要钱，所以当那个冬天爸爸重又操起拆解废料的活计，我也加入了。
Dad took his seat at the kitchen table and Mother stood to fix his breakfast. He began a lecture about liberal professors, and Mother mixed batter for pancakes, periodically murmuring in agreement.
爸爸在餐桌旁坐下，母亲起身去给他准备早餐。他开始了一场关于自由主义教授的长篇大论，母亲把面糊搅在一起做煎薄饼，不时低声表示赞同。
I woke up every morning at six to study — because it was easier to focus in the mornings, before I was worn out from scrapping. Although I was still fearful of God’s wrath, I reasoned with myself that my passing the ACT was so unlikely, it would take an act of God. And if God acted, then surely my going to school was His will.
我每天早晨六点起来学习——因为早上在我还没因为拆解废料累垮的时候，注意力更容易集中。虽然我仍然害怕上帝的震怒，但我对自己说，我根本不可能通过大学入学考试，这取决于上帝的旨意。如果上帝采取了行动，那么我去上学自然就是他的意愿。
The ACT was composed of four sections: math, English, science and reading. My math skills were improving but they were not strong. While I could answer most of the questions on the practice exam, I was slow, needing double or triple the allotted time. I lacked even a basic knowledge of grammar, though I was learning, beginning with nouns and moving on to prepositions and gerunds. Science was a mystery, perhaps because the only science book I’d ever read had had detachable pages for coloring. Of the four sections, reading was the only one about which I felt confident.
大学入学考试由四部分组成：数学、英语、科学和阅读。我的数学能力正在提高，但并不强。虽然我能解出大部分习题，但做题速度很慢，需要规定时间的两到三倍。我甚至连最基本的语法知识都没有，尽管我正在学习，从名词开始，接下来是介词和动名词。科学是一个谜，可能是因为我读过的唯一一本科学书还是那种可拆下来涂色的。四部分中，我唯一感到自信的是阅读。
I didn’t sleep the night before. My brain conjured so many scenes of disaster, it burned as if with a fever. At five I got out of bed, ate breakfast, and drove the forty miles to Utah State University. I was led into a white classroom with thirty other students, who took their seats and placed their pencils on their desks. A middle-aged woman handed out tests and strange pink sheets I’d never seen before.
考试前夜我失眠了。我的大脑像发烧般灼热，浮现出许多灾难场景。五点钟我下了床，吃了早饭，驱车四十英里来到犹他州州立大学。我和其他三十名学生被带进一间白色的教室，他们在椅子上坐下，将铅笔放在课桌上。一位中年女士发放试卷，还有我从没见过的奇怪的粉红色的纸。
BYU was a competitive school. I’d need a high score — a twenty-seven at least, which meant the top fifteen percent of my cohort. I was sixteen, had never taken an exam, and had only recently undertaken anything like a systematic education; still I registered for the test. It felt like throwing dice, like the roll was out of my hands. God would score the toss.
杨百翰大学是一所竞争激烈的大学。我需要拿到高分——至少二十七分，这意味着进入同届生排名的前百分之十五。我当时十六岁，从未参加过考试，只是刚刚开始接受类似系统的教育；尽管如此，我还是报了名。这感觉就像掷骰子，一旦扔出，便听天由命。上帝会给出得分。
“Excuse me,” I said when she gave me mine. “What is this?”
“请问，”她分发到我时，我说，“这是什么？”
“It’s the same as any other bubble sheet.” She began to move away from me, visibly irritated, as if I were playing a prank.
“和别的答题纸一样。”她面带恼火地从我身边走开，好像我在恶作剧。
“I’ve never used one before.”
“我以前从来没用过。”
“It’s a bubble sheet. To mark your answers.”
“是答题纸。涂答案用的。”
The test began. I’d never sat at a desk for four hours in a room full of people. The noise was unbelievable, yet I seemed to be the only person who heard it, who couldn’t divert her attention from the rustle of turning pages and the scratch of pencils on paper.
考试开始了。我从来没有在满屋都是人的房间里，在书桌前坐过四个小时。噪音令人难以置信，但似乎我是唯一一个听到它们的人，唯一一个因为翻页的沙沙声和铅笔的涂写声无法集中精力的人。
When it was over I suspected that I’d failed the math, and I was positive that I’d failed the science. My answers for the science portion couldn’t even be called guesses. They were random, just patterns of dots on that strange pink sheet.
考试结束了，我猜我数学有可能不及格，科学肯定不及格。我在科学部分的回答甚至连猜测都算不上。答案随机，只是那张奇怪的粉色答题纸上的圆点图案。
“How does it work?” I said.
“怎么用？”我说。
She appraised me for a moment. “Fill in the bubble of the correct answer,” she said. “Blacken it completely. Understand?”
她打量了我一会儿。“把正确答案的圆圈填满，”她说，“完全涂黑。明白了吗？”
I drove home. I felt stupid, but more than stupid I felt ridiculous. Now that I’d seen the other students — watched them march into the classroom in neat rows, claim their seats and calmly fill in their answers, as if they were performing a practiced routine — it seemed absurd that I had thought I could score in the top fifteen percent.
我开车回家了。我觉得自己愚蠢可笑，滑稽至极。现在我亲眼见到了别的学生——看着他们排着整齐的队伍走进教室，坐到座位上，平静地填写答案，好像在做一次例行练习——我之前竟然自以为得分能排进前百分之十五，简直荒谬。
I watched him walk away and, mechanically, as if I weren’t making the decision, rerolled them. He returned an hour later, and when he caught sight of me he paused mid-step, confused. He’d told me what to do, and I hadn’t done it. He stood uncertainly for a moment, then crossed over to me, took hold of both sleeves and jerked them down. He didn’t make it ten steps before I’d rolled them up again.
我看着他走开，机械地又把袖子卷了上去，好像完全没意识到自己做了这个决定。一小时后他回来，看见我后困惑地停下脚步。他告诉过我该做什么，我却没有听。他不安地站了一会儿，然后走到我跟前，抓住两个袖子猛地往下拉。没等他走出十步远，我又挽了上去。
There was an unusually hot day that spring, and Luke and I spent it hauling purlins — the iron beams that run horizontally along the length of a roof. The purlins were heavy and the sun relentless. Sweat dripped from our noses and onto the painted iron. Luke slipped out of his shirt, grabbed hold of the sleeves and tore them, leaving huge gashes a breeze could pass through. I wouldn’t have dreamed of doing anything so radical, but after the twentieth purlin my back was sticky with sweat, and I flapped my T-shirt to make a fan, then rolled up my sleeves until an inch of my shoulders was visible. When Dad saw me a few minutes later, he strode over and yanked the sleeves down. “This ain’t a whorehouse,” he said.
那年春天有一天天气异常炎热，我和卢克一整天都在拖檩条——水平横跨屋顶的铁梁。檩条沉重，太阳毒辣。汗水顺着我们的鼻子淌下来，滴在喷过漆的铁上。卢克脱下衬衫，抓住袖子扯出几道巨大的口子，让风可以吹进去。这么极端的做法我连想都不敢想，但在背了二十根檩条后，我的背上全是黏糊糊的汗，我拍打着T恤扇风，然后卷起袖子，露出一英寸肩膀。几分钟后，爸爸看到我，大步走过来，一把拉下我的袖子。“这儿不是妓院。”他说。
That was their world. I stepped into overalls and returned to mine.
那是他们的世界。我穿上工作服，重返我的世界。
I was hoarding my paychecks, in case I needed the money for tuition. Dad noticed and started charging me for small things. Mother had gone back to buying insurance after the second car accident, and Dad said I should pay my share. So I did. Then he wanted more, for registration. “These Government fees will break you,” he said as I handed him the cash.
我一直在攒钱，以备学费之需。爸爸注意到了，便开始让我为一些小东西付费。第二次车祸后，母亲又开始购买保险，爸爸说我那份应该由我自己付。我照做了。接着他又要钱用于登记车辆。“这些政府收费会让你破产。”我把钱递给他时，他说。
That satisfied Dad until my test results arrived. I returned from the junkyard to find a white envelope. I tore it open, staining the page with grease, and looked past the individual scores to the composite. Twenty-two. My heart was beating loud, happy beats. It wasn’t a twenty-seven, but it opened up possibilities. Maybe Idaho State.
对此爸爸表示满意，直到我的考试成绩寄到家。一天我从废料场回来，发现一个白色信封。我撕开信封，手上的油污把纸都弄脏了。我跳过单科分数，直接看总分。二十二分。我的心快乐地怦怦直跳。虽然不是二十七分，但充满可能性。也许能上爱达荷州州立大学。
I wanted to obey. I meant to. But the afternoon was so hot, the breeze on my arms so welcome. It was just a few inches. I was covered from my temples to my toes in grime. It would take me half an hour that night to dig the black dirt out of my nostrils and ears. I didn’t feel much like an object of desire or temptation. I felt like a human forklift. How could an inch of skin matter?
我想服从。我本意如此。但那个下午太过炎热，我渴望轻风吹拂手臂。仅仅几英寸而已。我全身上下从太阳穴到脚趾全是污垢。晚上我得花半个小时才能将鼻孔和耳朵里的黑色污垢挖出来。我并不觉得自己是欲望或诱惑的对象。我觉得自己像一辆人力叉车。一英寸皮肤又有什么要紧的呢？
“If she’s old enough to pull a paycheck, she’s old enough to pay rent,” Dad yelled. “And she can pay it somewhere else.” At first Mother argued with him, but within minutes he’d convinced her.
“她既然长大了，能领工资了，就该付房租了。”爸爸喊道，“她可以到别的地方付房租。”起初母亲还和他争论，但几分钟后就被说服了。
I showed Mother the score and she told Dad. He became agitated, then he shouted that it was time I moved out.
我将成绩拿给母亲看，她告诉了爸爸。他变得烦躁不安，然后大叫着说我该搬出去住了。
Something broke in me, a dam or a levee. I felt tossed about, unable to hold myself in place. I screamed but the screams were strangled; I was drowning. I had nowhere to go. I couldn’t afford to rent an apartment, and even if I could the only apartments for rent were in town. Then I’d need a car. I had only eight hundred dollars. I sputtered all this at Mother, then ran to my room and slammed the door.
我的内心有什么东西突然断裂，犹如大坝决堤一般。我感到摇摇欲坠，无法站稳。我想尖叫，但尖叫被扼住了；我快淹死了。我无处可去。我租不起公寓，即使能租，也只能到城里租。那样我还需要一辆车。我只有八百美元。我气急败坏地把这一切告诉了母亲，然后跑回我的房间，砰的一声关上房门。
I’d been standing in the kitchen, weighing my options, thinking about how I’d just given Dad four hundred dollars, a third of my savings, when Mother turned to me and said, “Do you think you could move out by Friday?”
我一直站在厨房里掂量我的选择，想着刚刚才交给爸爸四百美元，那是我三分之一的积蓄。这时母亲转向我说：“你觉得你周五之前能搬出去吗？”
She knocked moments later. “I know you think we’re being unfair,” she said, “but when I was your age I was living on my own, getting ready to marry your father.”
过了一会儿，她来敲门。“我知道你觉得我们不公平，”她说，“但我像你这么大的时候，早就自己生活，准备和你父亲结婚了。”
She looked me over. “You’re at least twenty.” She cocked her head. “Aren’t you?”
她打量着我。“你至少二十了。”她歪着头，“难道不是吗？”
“You were married at sixteen?” I said.
“你十六岁就结婚了？”我说。
We were silent. My heart pounded in my chest. “I turned sixteen in September,” I said.
我们沉默了。我的心怦怦直跳。“九月我刚满十六。”我说。
Shawn returned to work, hobbling unsteadily. He wore an Aussie outback hat, which was large, wide-brimmed, and made of chocolate-brown oiled leather. Before the accident, he had worn the hat only when riding horses, but now he kept it on all the time, even in the house, which Dad said was disrespectful. Disrespecting Dad might have been the reason Shawn wore it, but I suspect another reason was that it was large and comfortable and covered the scars from his surgery.
肖恩一瘸一拐地返回工作。他头戴一顶澳洲宽檐帽，帽子大大的，边檐很宽，由巧克力色的油皮革制成。事故发生前，他只在骑马时才戴这顶帽子，但现在即使在屋里，他也一直戴着帽子。爸爸说这样做很不礼貌。也可能是因为爸爸这么说，肖恩才一直戴着帽子，但我怀疑另一个原因是它又大又舒适，能遮住他头上手术留下的伤疤。
I stared at her. She stared at me. “Yes, I am. I’m sixteen.”
我盯着她，她盯着我。“是的，我是。我十六岁。”
“Don’t be silly,” she said. “You are not sixteen.”
“别傻了，”她说，“你可不是十六岁。”
“Oh.” Mother bit her lip, then she stood and smiled. “Well, don’t worry about it then. You can stay. Don’t know what your dad was thinking, really. I guess we forgot. Hard to keep track of how old you kids are.”
“哦。”母亲咬了咬嘴唇，然后站起来，笑了，“好吧，那就别担心了，你可以留下来。真不知道你爸爸是怎么想的。我想是我们忘了。你们孩子的年龄很难记清楚。”
He worked short days at first. Dad had a contract to build a milking barn in Oneida County, about twenty miles from Buck’s Peak, so Shawn puttered around the yard, adjusting schematics and measuring I-beams.
起初他工作时间很短。爸爸拿到一份建造牛奶仓库的合同，地点位于距巴克峰约二十英里的奥奈达县。于是肖恩就在院子里走来走去，调整图表，测量工字梁。
A few days later Dad came home with the most frightening machine I’ve ever seen. He called it the Shear. At first glance it appeared to be a three-ton pair of scissors, and this turned out to be exactly what it was. The blades were made of dense iron, twelve inches thick and five feet across. They cut not by sharpness but by force and mass. They bit down, their great jaws propelled by a heavy piston attached to a large iron wheel. The wheel was animated by a belt and motor, which meant that if something got caught in the machine, it would take anywhere from thirty seconds to a minute to stop the wheel and halt the blades. Up and down they roared, louder than a passing train as they chewed through iron as thick as a man’s arm. The iron wasn’t being cut so much as snapped. Sometimes it would buck, propelling whoever was holding it toward the dull, chomping blades.
几天后，爸爸将一台我见过的最吓人的机器带回了家。他称之为“大剪刀”。乍一看，它似乎是一把重达三吨的剪刀，事实也的确如此。刀刃十二英寸厚，五英尺宽，由高密度铁制成，切割物体不是靠锋利，而是靠蛮力。它们咬合下去，巨大的颚由一个附在大铁轮上的沉重活塞推进。轮子由皮带和马达驱动，这意味着如果有什么东西被机器卡住，得花半分钟到一分钟才能让轮子和刀刃停下来。它们咀嚼着人的手臂一样粗的铁，上下咆哮着，声音比途经的列车还响。铁与其说是被切断的，不如说是被拦腰折断的。有时铁会奋力抵抗，将拿着它的人朝正在咀嚼的钝重的刀刃推去。
Luke, Benjamin and I were scrapping. Dad had decided it was time to salvage the angle iron stacked all around the farm. To be sold, each piece had to measure less than four feet. Shawn suggested we use torches to cut the iron, but Dad said it would be too slow and cost too much in fuel.
我、卢克和本杰明在拆解废料。爸爸决定处理农场周围的角铁。要想把它们卖掉，每根角铁的尺寸必须小于四英尺。肖恩建议我们用割炬，但爸爸说这样速度太慢，燃料耗费也太多。
Dad had dreamed up many dangerous schemes over the years, but this was the first that really shocked me. Perhaps it was the obvious lethality of it, the certainty that a wrong move would cost a limb. Or maybe that it was utterly unnecessary. It was indulgent. Like a toy, if a toy could take your head off.
多年以来，爸爸想出过若干危险计划，但这是第一次让我真正感到震惊的。也许这个办法有着明显的致命性，稍有闪失必会残肢断臂。或许完全没有使用它的必要。这就是任性。它就像一个玩具，如果玩具能把你的头切下来的话。
Shawn called it a death machine and said Dad had lost what little sense he’d ever had. “Are you trying to kill someone?” he said. “Because I got a gun in my truck that will make a lot less mess.” Dad couldn’t suppress his grin. I’d never seen him so enraptured.
肖恩称它为“死亡机器”，并说爸爸丧失了仅剩的一丝理智。“你是想杀人吗？”他说，“我卡车里有把枪，杀人比这个利索多了。”爸爸忍不住笑了。我从未见过他如此欣喜若狂。
Shawn lurched back to the shop, shaking his head. Dad began feeding iron through the Shear. Each length bucked him forward and twice he nearly pitched headfirst into the blades. I jammed my eyes shut, knowing that if Dad’s head got caught, the blades wouldn’t even slow, just hack through his neck and keep chomping.
肖恩摇摇头一瘸一拐地回到工作间。爸爸开始将角铁喂给大剪刀。每剪一段他都被顶向前去，有两次他几乎头朝下撞在刀刃上。我紧紧闭上眼睛，知道万一爸爸的头被卡住，刀刃不会放慢速度，只会咬穿他的脖子，不停咀嚼。
Now that he was sure the machine worked, Dad motioned for Luke to take over, and Luke, ever eager to please, stepped forward. Five minutes later Luke’s arm was gashed to the bone and he was running toward the house, blood spurting.
确认机器可以运行，爸爸便示意卢克接手。一直渴望取悦爸爸的卢克走上前。五分钟后，卢克胳膊受伤，露出了骨头，他一路朝家跑去，鲜血喷溅不止。
I didn’t move.
我没动。
The blades chomped, growling as they snapped up and down — a warning, I thought, like a dog’s snarl, to get the hell away. But Dad’s mania for the machine had carried him beyond the reach of reason.
刀刃上下咬合，咬牙切齿地发出咆哮。我想，就像犬吠一样，这是在警告我赶紧离开这鬼地方。但是对机器的狂热让爸爸丧失了理智。
Dad scanned his crew. He motioned to Benjamin, but Benjamin shook his head, saying he liked his fingers attached, thanks anyway. Dad looked longingly at the house, and I imagined him wondering how long it would take Mother to stop the bleeding. Then his eyes settled on me.
爸爸扫视了一番他的手下。他向本杰明做了个手势，但本杰明摇了摇头，说自己的手指长得好好的，还是算了。爸爸眼巴巴地望向家的方向，我猜他是在想，母亲多久才能止住血。然后他的目光落在我身上。
“Come here, Tara.”
“过来，塔拉。”
“Get over here,” he said.
“到这儿来。”他说。
I stepped forward slowly, not blinking, watching the Shear as if it might attack. Luke’s blood was still on the blade. Dad picked up a six-foot length of angle iron and handed me the end. “Keep a good hold on it,” he said. “But if it bucks, let go.”
我慢慢地走向前，眼睛一眨不眨地看着大剪刀，好像它会随时发动攻击。刀刃上还有卢克的血。爸爸拿起一根六英尺长的角铁，把一头递给我。“抓紧了，”他说，“一旦它开始较劲儿，立刻松手。”
“It’s easy,” he said.
“很简单。”他说。
I prayed when I fed the first piece to the blades. Not to avoid injury — there was no possibility of that — but that the injury would be like Luke’s, a wedge of flesh, so I could go to the house, too. I chose smaller pieces, hoping my weight could control the lurch. Then I ran out of small pieces. I picked up the smallest of what was left, but the metal was still thick. I shoved it through and waited for the jaws to crash shut. The sound of solid iron fracturing was thunderous. The iron bucked, tossing me forward so both my feet left the ground. I let go and collapsed in the dirt, and the iron, now free, and being chewed violently by the blades, launched into the air then crashed down next to me.
把第一块铁放到刀刃中间时，我祈祷着。不是祈祷别受伤——这是不可能的——而是祈祷受的伤能像卢克一样，被咬掉一块肉，这样我也可以回家了。我挑了一块小一点的，希望我的重量能控制住它的突然倾斜。小块的铁切完了。我从剩下的里面再挑一块最小的，但铁仍然很厚。我将它推过去，等着剪刀的下颚猛地合上。铁的噪音震耳欲聋。铁的反作用力将我向前推，让我双脚离地。我松开手，瘫倒在泥地里。这时，从我手中脱离的铁被刀刃猛咬一番，弹到了空中，接着轰的一声掉在我旁边。
“Five minutes ago, this monster nearly ripped Luke’s arm off! So you’ve put Tara on it?”
“五分钟前，这个怪物差点把卢克的胳膊扯下来！你让塔拉也上了？”
“WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?” Shawn appeared in the corner of my vision. He strode over and pulled me to my feet, then spun around to face Dad.
“到底是怎么回事？”肖恩出现在我视野中。他大步走来，拉起我，转过身面对爸爸。
“It’s going to take her head off!” he screamed. He turned to me and waved toward the ironworker in the shop. “Go make clips to fit those purlins. I don’t want you coming near this thing again.”
“这个家伙会把她的脑袋咬下来的！”他尖叫道。他转向我，向工作间里的铁工招手，“去修剪檩条吧。我不希望你再靠近这个玩意儿。”
“She’s made of strong stuff,” Dad said, winking at me.
“她可不是一般的结实。”爸爸说着，冲我挤了挤眼。
They shouted at each other for fifteen minutes. It was different from the fights they’d had before — this was unrestrained somehow, hateful. I’d never seen anyone yell at my father like that, and I was astonished by, then afraid of, the change it wrought in his features. His face transformed, becoming rigid, desperate. Shawn had awoken something in Dad, some primal need. Dad could not lose this argument and save face. If I didn’t run the Shear, Dad would no longer be Dad.
他们大声嚷嚷了一刻钟。这次他俩的争吵与以往不同——毫无保留，充满仇恨。我从没见过有谁这样对爸爸大喊大叫，我为他脸上的变化感到吃惊和害怕。他的脸变得僵硬而绝望。肖恩唤醒了爸爸内心的一些东西，一些原始的需求。爸爸不能输掉这场争吵，否则颜面尽失。如果我不去操作大剪刀，他就失去了父亲的威信。
Dad moved forward. “This is my crew. You work for me and so does Tara. I told her to run the Shear, and she will run it.”
爸爸走上前来。“这是我的手下。你为我干活，塔拉也是。我让她剪，她就得去剪。”
Shawn’s eyes bulged. He was supposed to be taking it easy, but he looked apoplectic.
肖恩怒目圆睁。他本该放轻松的，但他看上去怒气冲冲。
“Don’t be stupid,” Dad said.
“别傻了。”爸爸说。
“I told her to do it, and she will do it,” Dad said, low and angry. “Or she won’t live under my roof.”
“我让她做，她就会做。”爸爸愤怒地低声说，“否则她就别住我家。”
Shawn leapt forward and shoved Dad hard in the chest. Dad stumbled backward, tripped and fell. He lay in the mud, shocked, for a moment, then he climbed to his feet and lunged toward his son. Shawn raised his arms to block the punch, but when Dad saw this he lowered his fists, perhaps remembering that Shawn had only recently regained the ability to walk.
肖恩向前一跃，狠狠地在爸爸的胸膛上推了一下。爸爸跌跌撞撞向后退去，绊了一跤跌倒了。他躺在泥里，震惊不已，过了一会儿，他爬了起来，朝儿子扑去。肖恩举起双臂想挡住拳头，但爸爸看到这一幕时放下了拳头，也许是想起肖恩最近才恢复走路的能力。
Shawn looked at me. For a moment, he seemed to consider helping me pack — after all, he had run away from Dad at my age — but I shook my head. I wasn’t leaving, not like that. I would work the Shear first, and Shawn knew it. He looked at the Shear, then at the pile next to it, about fifty thousand pounds of iron. “She’ll do it,” he said.
肖恩看着我。一时间他似乎在考虑帮我打包走人——毕竟，他在我这个年纪已经有过逃离父亲的经历——但我摇了摇头。我是不会那样离开的。肖恩知道，我会去操作大剪刀。他看了看剪刀，又看了看旁边那堆约有五万磅重的铁。“她会去做的。”他说。
Dad seemed to grow five inches. Shawn bent unsteadily and lifted a piece of heavy iron, then heaved it toward the Shear.
爸爸好像长高了五英寸。肖恩晃晃悠悠地弯下腰，举起一块重铁，然后把它推向大剪刀。
“If she’s doing it, I’m doing it,” Shawn said. The fight had left his voice. I’d never seen Shawn give way to Dad, not once, but he’d decided to lose this argument. He understood that if he didn’t submit, I surely would.
“她做，我也做。”肖恩说。他的声音里没有了斗志。我从未见过肖恩向爸爸屈服，一次也没有，但这次他决定服输。他明白，如果他不屈服，我肯定会屈服。
“You’re my foreman!” Dad shouted. “I need you in Oneida, not mucking with scrap!”
“你是我的工头！”爸爸喊道，“我需要你在奥奈达干活，而不是清理废料！”
“Then shut down the Shear.”
“那你就关掉大剪刀。”
Shawn and I ran the Shear for a month. Dad was too stubborn to shut it down, even though it cost him more to have his foreman salvaging than it would have cost him to cut the iron with torches. When we finished, I had some bruises but I wasn’t hurt. Shawn seemed bled of life. It had only been a few months since his fall from the pallet, and his body couldn’t take the wear. He was cracked in the head many times when a length of iron bucked at an unexpected angle. When that happened he’d sit for a minute in the dirt, his hands over his eyes, then he’d stand and reach for the next length. In the evenings he lay on the kitchen floor in his stained shirt and dusty jeans, too weary even to shower.
肖恩和我操作了一个月的大剪刀。爸爸太固执，不愿将大剪刀关掉，哪怕这让他损失了一个工头，付出了比用割炬更大的代价。完工时，我受了些擦伤，但并无大碍。肖恩似乎累散了架。他从托盘上摔下来才几个月，身体仍然吃不消。他的头部多次被铁块出其不意翘起的一角撞破。一旦发生这种情况，他就用双手捂住眼睛，在泥地上坐一会儿，再站起身去拿下一块铁。晚上，他穿着脏兮兮的衬衫和沾满灰尘的牛仔裤躺在厨房的地板上，累得连洗澡的力气都没有了。
Dad walked away cursing, exasperated, but probably thinking that Shawn would get tired and go back to being foreman before supper. Shawn watched Dad leave, then he turned to me and said, “Okay, Siddle Liss. You bring the pieces and I’ll feed them through. If the iron is thick, say a half inch, I’ll need your weight on the back to keep me from getting tossed into the blades. Okay?”
爸爸咒骂着走开了，有些恼怒，但可能心想等肖恩累了，晚饭前就会回去当工头了。肖恩看着爸爸离开，然后转向我说：“好吧，小妹，你去拿铁块，我来剪。如果铁很厚，比方说半英寸，我需要你在后面用力压着，以防我被甩进刀刃里。好吧？”
The next morning Shawn and I would return to the Shear, and he would feed iron through its jaws, which chewed with such force that it pulled him off his feet, easily, playfully, as if it were a game, as if he were a child.
第二天早上，我和肖恩又会回到大剪刀旁，他会将铁喂进大剪刀的巨颚之间，它力大无比，轻而易举就将他的双脚拽离地面，仿佛在玩游戏，仿佛他还是一个孩子。
I fetched all the food and water he asked for. Sadie came most evenings, and the two of us would run side by side when he sent us for ice, then to remove the ice, then to put the ice back in. We were both Fish Eyes.
他要吃的、喝的，我会帮他拿来。赛迪几乎每晚都过来。他让我们俩去取冰，我们俩会并肩跑去拿冰，然后再把冰放回。我们俩都是鱼眼睛。
0 条评论