On Sunday, a week later, a man at church asked me to dinner. I said no. It happened a second time a few days later with a different man. Again I said no. I couldn’t say yes. I didn’t want either of them anywhere near me.
一周后的星期天，教堂里有一个男生邀请我吃饭，我拒绝了。几天后，又有个男生邀请我吃饭，也被我拒绝了。我不会同意的。我不想让任何一个男人接近我。
He talked and I sat, wordless as a brick.
他说话时，我像砖头一样坐着，一言不发。
Word reached the bishop that there was a woman in his flock who was set against marriage. His assistant approached me after the Sunday service and said I was wanted in the bishop’s office.
主教听说他的教会里有个女教徒反对婚姻。主日礼拜结束后，他的助手找到我，说主教在办公室找我有事。
He asked about my family. I didn’t answer. I had already betrayed them by failing to love them as I should; the least I could do was stay silent.
他问起我的家人。我没有回答。我已经背叛了他们，没有像我本该做的那样去爱他们，至少我还可以保持沉默。
“Marriage is God’s plan,” the bishop said, then he stood. The meeting was over. He asked me to return the following Sunday. I said I would, but knew I wouldn’t.
“婚姻是上帝的旨意。”主教说着站起身来。会面结束了。他让我下个星期天再来。我答应了，但我知道我不会再来。
My wrist was still tender when I shook the bishop’s hand. He was a middle-aged man with a round face and dark, neatly parted hair. His voice was soft like satin. He seemed to know me before I even opened my mouth. (In a way he did; Robin had told him plenty.) He said I should enroll in the university counseling service so that one day I might enjoy an eternal marriage to a righteous man.
与主教握手时，我的手腕还在疼。他是一个中年男子，圆脸，黑发，留着整齐的分头。他的声音像缎子一般柔和。他似乎还没跟我交谈就了解了我的情况（在某种程度上的确如此，罗宾告诉过他很多关于我的事）。他说，我应该去大学心理咨询中心进行咨询，以便将来有一天我能与一个正直的男子踏入永恒的婚姻殿堂。
Once, when I was fifteen, after I’d started wearing mascara and lip gloss, Shawn had told Dad that he’d heard rumors about me in town, that I had a reputation. Immediately Dad thought I was pregnant. He should never have allowed those plays in town, he screamed at Mother. Mother said I was trustworthy, modest. Shawn said no teenage girl was trustworthy, and that in his experience those who seemed pious were sometimes the worst of all.
十五岁时，我开始涂睫毛膏和唇彩后，肖恩告诉爸爸，说他在城里听到了关于我的传言，说我名声不好。爸爸立刻以为我怀孕了。他对着母亲咆哮，说他不该放任我去城里演戏看戏。母亲说应该相信我，我是个正派女孩。肖恩说，青春期的女孩没有一个值得信赖，根据他的经验，有时那些看似虔诚的女孩最为糟糕。
I had always scoffed at the word “whore.” It sounded guttural and outmoded even to me. But even though I silently mocked Shawn for using it, I had come to identify with it. That it was old-fashioned only strengthened the association, because it meant I usually only heard the word in connection with myself.
我总是嘲笑“妓女”这个词。这个听上去像喉音的词，对我来说过时了。尽管肖恩使用这个词时我会暗自嘲笑，但我还是慢慢将自己与它画上了等号。这个词的古老更加强了其联想意味，我通常只在与自己有关的场合才听到它。
My body felt heavy as I walked to my apartment. All my life I had been taught that marriage was God’s will, that to refuse it was a kind of sin. I was in defiance of God. And yet, I didn’t want to be. I wanted children, my own family, but even as I longed for it I knew I would never have it. I was not capable. I could not be near any man without despising myself.
我拖着沉重的身体走回公寓。我一生都在被教导婚姻是上帝的旨意，拒绝婚姻是一种罪过。我在违抗上帝，但我并不想这样。我想要孩子和自己的家庭，但即便我渴望拥有这一切，我知道我永远不可能拥有。我不具备这个能力。只要跟异性接近，我就鄙视自己。
I had never kissed a boy.
我从没吻过一个男孩。
I had witnessed birth, but I’d been given none of the facts of conception. While my father and brother shouted, ignorance kept me silent: I couldn’t defend myself, because I didn’t understand the accusation.
我亲眼见过婴儿出生，却对如何受孕一无所知。爸爸和哥哥在一边大喊大叫时，无知让我保持了沉默：我无法为自己辩解，因为我压根儿不理解那种指责。
Days later, when it was confirmed that I was not pregnant, I evolved a new understanding of the word “whore,” one that was less about actions and more about essence. It was not that I had done something wrong so much as that I existed in the wrong way. There was something impure in the fact of my being.
几天后，当证实自己并没有怀孕，我便对“妓女”这个词有了新的理解。这个词更关乎实质，而非行为。与其说我做错了什么，不如说我以错误的方式存在。我的存在中有一些不洁的东西。
I sat on my bed, knees pressed to my chest, and listened to them shout. Was I pregnant? I wasn’t sure. I considered every interaction I’d had with a boy, every glance, every touch. I walked to the mirror and raised my shirt, then ran my fingers across my abdomen, examining it inch by inch and thought, Maybe.
我坐在床上，双膝贴在胸前，听着他们的喊叫。我怀孕了吗？我不确定。我仔细回忆和男孩的每一次互动，每一个眼神，每一次触碰。我走到镜子前，撩起衬衫，然后用手指抚摸腹部，一寸一寸地检查，心想，也许吧。
It’s strange how you give the people you love so much power over you, I had written in my journal. But Shawn had more power over me than I could possibly have imagined. He had defined me to myself, and there’s no greater power than that.
我在日记中这样写道：很奇怪，你怎么会将如此超乎自己的强大力量施加于所爱的人。但肖恩对我施加的力量远远超出了我的想象。他定义了我，没有什么力量比这更强大的了。
“I can help,” he said, “but you’ll need to tell me what’s bothering you.” His voice was gentle, and that gentleness was cruel. I wished he would yell. If he yelled, it would make me angry, and when angry I felt powerful. I didn’t know if I could do this without feeling powerful.
“我可以帮你，”他说，“但你得把心事告诉我。”他的声音很温柔，那种温柔很残酷。我宁愿他大喊大叫。如果他大喊大叫，我就会生气，一生气，我就感觉自己很强大。我不知道自己能否在感觉不到强大的情况下做到这件事。
I stood outside the bishop’s office on a cold night in February. I didn’t know what had taken me there.
二月一个寒冷的夜晚，我站在主教的办公室外。我不知道是什么将我带到了那里。
The bishop sat calmly behind his desk. He asked what he could do for me, and I said I didn’t know. No one could give me what I wanted, because what I wanted was to be remade.
主教平静地坐在桌子后面。他问能为我做些什么，我说不知道。我想要的没人能给，因为我想要重塑自我。
I cleared my throat, then talked for an hour.
我清了清嗓子，然后说了整整一个小时。
The bishop and I met every Sunday until spring. To me he was a patriarch with authority over me, but he seemed to surrender that authority the moment I passed through his door. I talked and he listened, drawing the shame from me like a healer draws infection from a wound.
我和主教每个星期天都见面，一直持续到春天。对我来说，他是一位权威家长，但我一进门，他似乎就放下了家长的威严。我说着，他听着，将我身上的耻辱感一点点消除，就像医生把感染的伤口一点点治好。
When the semester ended, I told him I was going home for the summer. I was out of money; I couldn’t pay rent. He looked tired when I told him that. He said, “Don’t go home, Tara. The church will pay your rent.”
学期结束时，我告诉他我要回家过暑假。我的钱花完了，交不起房租。我将这件事告诉他时，他看上去很疲倦。他说：“别回家，塔拉。教会将替你付房租。”
When the summer ended, I returned to BYU with only two thousand dollars. On my first night back, I wrote in my journal: I have so many bills I can’t imagine how I’m going to pay them. But God will provide either trials for growth or the means to succeed. The tone of that entry seems lofty, high-minded, but in it I detect a whiff of fatalism. Maybe I would have to leave school. That was fine. There were grocery stores in Utah. I would bag groceries, and one day I’d be manager.
暑假结束后，我带着仅有的两千美元回到杨百翰大学。回来的第一天晚上，我在日记中写道：账单太多了，真的无法想象我该如何支付。但是上帝会为我提供成长的考验或成功的途径。这则日记的口吻似乎是崇高的、高尚的，但我在其中体会到一点点宿命论的味道。也许我将不得不离开学校。也好。犹他州有很多杂货店。我可以给杂物打包，总有一天会成为经理。
My first day in Idaho, I got my old job back at Stokes. Dad scoffed, said I’d never earn enough to return to school. He was right, but the bishop had said God would provide a way and I believed it. I spent the summer restocking shelves and walking elderly ladies to their cars.
在爱达荷州的第一天，我就到斯托克斯商店做起了以前的工作。爸爸嘲笑我，说我挣的钱永远不够交学费。他说得没错，但是主教说过上帝自有办法，而我对此深信不疑。整个夏天，我都在整理货架，将年迈的女顾客送回她们的车上。
I avoided Shawn. It was easy because he had a new girlfriend, Emily, and there was talk of a wedding. Shawn was twenty-eight; Emily was a senior in high school. Her temperament was compliant. Shawn played the same games with her he’d played with Sadie, testing his control. She never failed to follow his orders, quivering when he raised his voice, apologizing when he screamed at her. That their marriage would be manipulative and violent, I had no doubt — although those words were not mine. They had been given to me by the bishop, and I was still trying to wrest meaning from them.
我躲着肖恩。这并不难，因为他交了一个新女友埃米莉，据说两人要结婚了。肖恩二十八岁了；埃米莉是一名高三学生，性情温顺。肖恩和她玩了之前同赛迪玩过的那套把戏，来测试自己的控制能力。她从未抗拒他的命令，他一提高嗓门，她就浑身发抖；他一朝她大喊，她就马上道歉。他们的婚姻会充满操纵和暴力，对此我毫无疑问——尽管这些话不是我说的，是主教说的，而我还在努力思索其中的含义。
I didn’t want the church’s money. I’d made the decision. The bishop made me promise only one thing: that I wouldn’t work for my father.
我已经下定决心，不想花教会的钱。主教让我承诺一件事：再也不要为父亲工作了。
I’d never taken another ibuprofen since that day with Charles, but I began to swallow them like breath mints. They helped only a little. The pain was in the nerves, and it was too severe. I hadn’t slept since the ache began, and I started skipping meals because chewing was unthinkable. That’s when Robin told the bishop.
在查尔斯那次之后，我再也没有服用过布洛芬，但现在我开始像吃薄荷糖一样吞下它们。可它们只起了一点作用。疼痛来自神经，而且疼得太厉害了。自从开始疼痛，我就没有睡过觉；因为咀嚼太疼，我也开始不吃东西。这个时候，罗宾把此事告诉了主教。
I was shocked out of this resignation two weeks into the fall semester, when I awoke one night to a blinding pain in my jaw. I’d never felt anything so acute, so electrifying. I wanted to rip my jaw from my mouth, just to be rid of it. I stumbled to a mirror. The source was a tooth that had been chipped many years before, but now it had fractured again, and deeply. I visited a dentist, who said the tooth had been rotting for years. It would cost fourteen hundred dollars to repair. I couldn’t afford to pay half that and stay in school.
秋季学期才过了两周，我就从这种听天由命的状态中惊醒过来。一天晚上，我被下巴的剧痛疼醒。我从未体验过如此剧烈的疼痛，如过电一般。只要能摆脱疼痛，我宁愿把下巴从嘴上撕下来。我跌跌撞撞地来到一面镜子前。疼痛源自一颗多年前碎裂的牙齿，现在它再次断裂，而且断面很深。我去看了牙医，牙医说这颗牙已经腐烂多年，修补好要花一千四百美元。哪怕我只支付一半，剩下的钱也不够我继续学业。
I called home. Mother agreed to lend me the money, but Dad attached terms: I would have to work for him next summer. I didn’t even consider it. I said I was finished with the junkyard, finished for life, and hung up.
我给家里打电话。母亲同意借给我钱，但爸爸提出附加条款：明年暑假必须为他工作。我想都没想便说这辈子再也不会和废料场有半点瓜葛，说完就挂断了电话。
I tried to ignore the ache and focus on my classes, but it felt as though I were being asked to sit through a lecture while a wolf gnawed on my jaw.
我努力忽略疼痛，专心上课，但那感觉就像有一头狼在咬我的下巴，我还被迫坐在课堂上。
“Not much,” I said. “He’s been in debt since the boys wrecked all the equipment last year.”
“不多，”我说，“自从去年他全部的设备被哥哥们弄坏，他就欠了一屁股债。”
These words echoed in my head. I’d heard other students talk about their grants, and I’d recoiled from them. I would leave school before I would allow myself to be purchased.
这些话在我脑子里回响。我曾听其他学生谈论过助学金，我对他们敬而远之。我宁愿离开学校，也不愿被别人收买。
“Excellent,” he said. “I have the paperwork here for a grant. I’m sure you’re eligible, and the best part is, you won’t have to pay it back.”
“太好了，”他说，“我这里有申请助学金的书面材料。我相信你符合条件，最好的一点是，你不需要偿还。”
He called me to his office on a bright afternoon. He looked at me calmly from across his desk and said, “What are we going to do about your tooth?” I tried to relax my face.
一个阳光明媚的下午，他将我叫到他的办公室。他从桌子那边平静地看着我说：“你的牙齿，我们该拿它怎么办呢？”我试图放松脸上的表情。
“I don’t believe in Government grants,” I said.
“我不相信政府助学金。”我说。
I’d heard about Government grants. Dad said that to accept one was to indebt yourself to the Illuminati. “That’s how they get you,” he’d said. “They give you free money, then the next thing you know, they own you.”
我听说过政府助学金。爸爸说过，接受政府捐助就等于把自己交给光明会。“他们就是这样拉拢你的，”他说，“免费给你资助，接下来你就成了他们的人了。”
“You can’t go through the school year like this,” he said. “But there’s an easy solution. Very easy, in fact. How much does your father make?”
“你总不能这样硬挺着过完这个学年吧，”他说，“有一个简单的解决办法。事实上，非常简单。你父亲挣多少钱？”
I told him what my father said. He sighed and looked heavenward. “How much will it cost to fix the tooth?”
我把父亲的话告诉了他。他叹了口气，朝天看去。“修这颗牙要花多少钱？”
“Why not?”
“为什么不？”
“Fourteen hundred,” I said. “I’ll find the money.”
“一千四百美元，”我说，“我会弄到钱的。”
The bishop threw his hands in the air. We sat in silence, then he opened his desk drawer and withdrew a checkbook. I looked at the heading. It was for his personal account. He filled out a check, to me, for fifteen hundred dollars.
主教无奈地摊开双手。我们默默地坐着，接着他拉开书桌抽屉，取出一本支票簿。我看了看题头，是他的个人账户。他给我开了一张一千五百美元的支票。
“The church will pay,” he said quietly. “I have a discretionary fund.”
“这笔钱教会可以付，”他平静地说，“我有可自由支配的资金。”
“I will not allow you to leave school over this,” he said.
“我不会允许你因为这件事离开学校。”他说。
I had a job at the campus creamery, flipping burgers and scooping ice cream. I got by between paydays by neglecting overdue bills and borrowing money from Robin, so twice a month, when a few hundred dollars went into my account, it was gone within hours. I was broke when I turned nineteen at the end of September. I had given up on fixing the tooth; I knew I would never have fourteen hundred dollars. Besides, the pain had lessened: either the nerve had died or my brain had adjusted to its shocks.
我在校园冰激凌店找了一份工作，煎汉堡和舀冰激凌。在两次发薪日之间，我靠忽视逾期未付的账单和向罗宾借钱度日，所以每月两次，当我的账户进账几百美元，几个小时内就花光了。九月底我满十九岁时身无分文。我已经放弃了修补那颗牙齿的想法，我知道自己永远都不会有一千四百美元。此外，疼痛也减轻了：要么是牙神经坏死了，要么是我的大脑已经适应了疼痛的冲击。
“That money is sacred.”
“那是神圣的钱。”
The check was in my hand. I was so tempted, the pain in my jaw so savage, that I must have held it for ten seconds before passing it back.
支票就在我手里。我如此动心，下巴疼得如此厉害，于是我将支票攥在手中，过了十秒才把它还了回去。
In December, after my last paycheck of the month, I had sixty dollars in my account. Rent was $110, due January 7. I needed quick cash. I’d heard there was a clinic near the mall that paid people for plasma. A clinic sounded like a part of the Medical Establishment, but I reasoned that as long as they were taking things out, not putting anything in, I’d be okay. The nurse stabbed at my veins for twenty minutes, then said they were too small.
十二月，在最后一次发工资后，我的账户仅剩六十美元。房租是一百一十美元，一月七日到期。我迫切需要钱。我听说商场附近有一家诊所，卖血能拿到钱。诊所听上去像是医疗机构的一部分，但我找了个理由，只要他们是把东西抽出来而不是注射进去，就没关系。护士花了二十分钟扎我的静脉，然后说静脉太细了。
I was an incurious student that semester. Curiosity is a luxury reserved for the financially secure: my mind was absorbed with more immediate concerns, such as the exact balance of my bank account, who I owed how much, and whether there was anything in my room I could sell for ten or twenty dollars. I submitted my homework and studied for my exams, but I did so out of terror — of losing my scholarship should my GPA fall a single decimal — not from real interest in my classes.
那个学期我对学习失去了好奇心。好奇心是一种奢侈品，只有经济上有保障的人才有权享有。我的心思被更多迫切的问题占据，比如银行账户的确切余额，欠了谁多少钱，我房间里有什么东西能卖上一二十美元。我提交作业，复习备考，但我做这些不是因为对课程真感兴趣，而是出于恐惧——平均成绩稍有下滑，我便会失去奖学金。
Still, I had other bills, so I decided to sell the only thing I had of any value — my horse, Bud. I called Shawn and asked how much I could get. Shawn said a mixed breed wasn’t worth much, but that I could send him to auction like Grandpa’s dog-food horses. I imagined Bud in a meat grinder, then said, “Try to find a buyer first.” A few weeks later Shawn sent me a check for a few hundred dollars. When I called Shawn and asked who he’d sold Bud to, he mumbled something vague about a guy passing through from Tooele.
不过，我还有其他账单要付，于是我决定卖掉我唯一值钱的东西——我的马，巴德。我打电话给肖恩，问马能卖多少钱。肖恩说杂种马不值钱，但是我可以像爷爷那样，把它当成狗粮马去拍卖。我想象巴德被放进绞肉机的情景，然后说：“先去找个买主吧。”几个星期后，肖恩寄给我一张几百美元的支票。我打电话给肖恩，问他把巴德卖给了谁，他含糊不清地说卖给了一个从图埃勒过来的家伙。
That was it, then. There was nothing left to sell, no more childhood friends or Christmas presents. It was time to quit school and get a job. I accepted that. My brother Tony was living in Las Vegas, working as a long-haul trucker, so on Christmas Day I called him. He said I could live with him for a few months and work at the In-N-Out Burger across the street.
那就这样吧。没剩什么可卖的东西，没有儿时的朋友，也没有圣诞礼物。该退学找份工作了。我只能接受现实。我的哥哥托尼是长途货车司机，住在拉斯维加斯，于是圣诞节那天我打电话给他。他说我可以去他那里住几个月，在街对面的汉堡店打工。
Shawn’s bedroom was filthy. Dirty clothes littered the floor, and I could see the butt of a handgun poking out from under a pile of stained T-shirts. The bookshelves strained under boxes of ammo and stacks of Louis L’Amour paperbacks. Shawn was sitting on the bed, his shoulders hunched, his legs bowed outward. He looked as if he’d been holding that posture for some time, contemplating the squalor. He let out a sigh, then stood and walked toward me, lifting his right arm. I took an involuntary step back, but he had only reached into his pocket. He pulled out his wallet, opened it and extracted a crisp hundred-dollar bill.
肖恩的卧室很脏。脏衣服散落在地板上，我能看见一把手枪的枪托从一堆脏T恤下露出来。书架被一箱箱弹药和一堆堆路易·拉穆尔[13]的平装小说塞得满满的。肖恩蜷腿坐在床上，双肩耸起。他似乎保持那个姿势有一段时间了，凝视着肮脏的环境。他叹了一口气，站起身，抬起右臂朝我走过来。我不由自主地后退一步，但他只是把手伸进口袋。他拿出钱包，打开，从里面取出一张崭新的一百美元钞票。【注：[13]Louis L’Amour（1908－1988），美国西部小说家。】
I bought a tank of gas with my last thirty dollars and drove home for Christmas. On Christmas morning, Dad gave me a rifle — I didn’t take it out of the box, so I have no idea what kind. I asked Shawn if he wanted to buy it off me, but Dad gathered it up and said he’d keep it safe.
我用最后的三十美元买了一箱汽油，开车回家过圣诞节。圣诞节早上，爸爸送给我一支步枪——我没把它从箱子里拿出来，不知道它是哪种步枪。我问肖恩是否愿意从我手里买下它，但爸爸把它收了起来，说替我保管。
I hung up and was walking down the hall, wishing I’d asked Tony if he could lend me the money to get to Vegas, when a gruff voice called to me. “Hey, Siddle Lister. Come here a minute.”
我挂上电话，穿过走廊，正后悔没问托尼借钱去拉斯维加斯，这时一个粗哑的声音叫住了我：“嘿，小妹，你来一下。”
The bishop and I were still meeting every Sunday. Robin had told him that I hadn’t bought my textbooks for the semester. “This is ridiculous,” he said. “Apply for the grant! You’re poor! That’s why these grants exist!”
我和主教仍在每个星期日见面。罗宾告诉他这学期我没买课本。“这太荒唐了，”他说，“申请助学金！你很穷！助学金就是为这个存在的！”
“I make a lot of money,” the bishop said. “I pay a lot of taxes. Just think of it as my money.” He had printed out the application forms, which he gave to me. “Think about it. You need to learn to accept help, even from the Government.”
“我赚的钱很多，”主教说，“交了很多税。把它当成我的钱好了。”他已经把申请表打印好了，交给了我。“考虑考虑。你要学会接受帮助，哪怕是来自政府的帮助。”
“Merry Christmas,” he said. “You won’t waste this like I will.”
“圣诞快乐，”他说，“你不会像我一样浪费这些钱的。”
I believed that hundred dollars was a sign from God. I was supposed to stay in school. I drove back to BYU and paid my rent. Then, because I knew I wouldn’t be able to pay it in February, I took a second job as a domestic cleaner, driving twenty minutes north three days a week to scrub expensive homes in Draper.
我相信那一百美元是上帝的神迹。我应该留在学校。我开车返回杨百翰大学，付了房租。然后，因为我知道二月份还是付不起房租，于是又找了一份家政保洁工作，每周三天向北开车二十分钟，到德雷珀的豪宅做清洁。
My opposition was beyond rational, it was visceral.
我的反对超越了理性，是发自肺腑的。
I took the forms. Robin filled them out. I refused to send them.
我拿了表格。罗宾替我把它们填好。我拒绝上交。
“Just get the paperwork together,” she said. “See how it feels.”
“先把书面材料准备好，”她说，“再看看感觉如何。”
I needed my parents’ tax returns. I wasn’t even sure my parents filed taxes, but if they did, I knew Dad wouldn’t give them to me if he knew why I wanted them. I thought up a dozen fake reasons for why I might need them, but none were believable. I pictured the returns sitting in the large gray filing cabinet in the kitchen. Then I decided to steal them.
我还需要父母的纳税申报单。我甚至不确定父母是否报税，但即便他们报税，爸爸要是知道我为什么要它们，他也不会给我的。我编了十几个假理由解释为什么我需要它们，但没有一个可信。我猜想申报单被收在厨房的灰色大文件柜里。然后我决定将它们偷出来。
I left for Idaho just before midnight, hoping I would arrive at around three in the morning and the house would be quiet. When I reached the peak, I crept up the driveway, wincing each time a bit of gravel snapped beneath my tires. I eased the car door open noiselessly, then padded across the grass and slipped through the back door, moving silently through the house, reaching my hand out to feel my way to the filing cabinet.
午夜前我出发去了爱达荷州，希望能在凌晨三点左右到达，那时家里会一片寂静。到达山顶时，我悄悄把车开上车道，每当轮胎下的碎石发出一丝响动，我就畏缩。我轻轻地推开车门，蹑手蹑脚地穿过草地，从后门溜了进去，无声无息地穿过屋子，伸手摸索着走向文件柜。
I had only made it a few steps when I heard a familiar clink.
我刚走了几步，就听到熟悉的咔嗒一声。
“Who?”
“谁？”
I flipped the light switch and saw Shawn sitting across the room, pointing a pistol at me. He lowered it. “I thought you were… someone else.”
我打开电灯开关，看见肖恩坐在房间另一头，拿手枪指着我。他放下手枪。“我以为你是…别人。”
“Obviously,” I said.
“显然。”我说。
We stood awkwardly for a moment, then I went to bed.
我们尴尬地站了一会儿，然后我就上床睡觉了。
“Don’t shoot!” I shouted. “It’s me!”
“别开枪！”我喊道，“是我！”
The next morning, after Dad left for the junkyard, I told Mother one of my fake stories about BYU needing her tax returns. She knew I was lying — I could tell because when Dad came in unexpectedly and asked why she was copying the returns, she said the duplicates were for her records.
第二天早上，爸爸去了废料场后，我向母亲编了一个理由说杨百翰大学需要她的纳税申报单。她知道我在撒谎——我能看出这一点，是因为爸爸意外回到家问她为什么复印申报单时，她回答说是为了备份自己的材料。
The forms sat on my desk for a week before Robin walked with me to the post office and watched me hand them to the postal worker. It didn’t take long, a week, maybe two. I was cleaning houses in Draper when the mail came, so Robin left the letter on my bed with a note that I was a Commie now.
表格在我的书桌上放了整整一个星期，最后罗宾陪我一起去了邮局，亲眼看着我把它们交给工作人员。等待的时间并不长，一星期，也许是两星期。回信寄到时，我正在德雷珀打扫房子，所以罗宾把信放在我的床上，并留了张纸条，说我现在是个正常人了。
I tore open the envelope and a check fell onto my bed. For four thousand dollars. I felt greedy, then afraid of my greed. There was a contact number. I dialed it.
我撕开信封，一张支票落到了床上。四千美元。我感到了贪婪，接着为我的贪婪而害怕。上面有一个联系电话，我拨打了号码。
I took the copies and returned to BYU. Shawn and I exchanged no words before I left. He never asked why I’d been sneaking into my own house at three in the morning, and I never asked who he’d been waiting for, sitting up in the middle of the night, with a loaded pistol.
我拿着复印件回到杨百翰大学。离开前肖恩没和我说一句话。他没问我为什么在凌晨三点偷偷溜进自己家，我也没问他半夜三更坐在那里拿着子弹上膛的手枪，是在等谁。
“There’s a problem,” I told the woman who answered. “The check is for four thousand dollars, but I only need fourteen hundred.”
“我有一个疑问，”我对接电话的女人说，“这是张四千美元的支票，但我只需要一千四百美元。”
The line was silent.
电话那头默不作声。
“Hello? Hello?”
“喂？喂？”
“Let me get this straight,” the woman said. “You’re saying the check is for too much money? What do you want me to do?”
“我直说了吧，”女人说，“你的意思是支票上的钱太多了？你想让我做什么？”
“If I send it back, could you send me another one? I only need fourteen hundred. For a root canal.”
“如果我把它寄回去，你能再另寄一张支票给我吗？我只要一千四百美元就够了。做根管治疗用。”
I’d believed the money would be used to control me, but what it did was enable me to keep my word to myself: for the first time, when I said I would never again work for my father, I believed it.
我原以为那笔钱是被用来控制我的，但它却让我信守了自己的承诺：平生第一次，当我说再也不会为父亲工作时，我相信了。
I had the root canal. I bought my textbooks, paid rent, and had money left over. The bishop said I should treat myself to something, but I said I couldn’t, I had to save the money. He told me I could afford to spend some. “Remember,” he said, “you can apply for the same amount next year.” I bought a new Sunday dress.
我做了根管治疗，买了课本，付了房租，还剩下不少钱。主教说我该犒劳一下自己，但我回答说不行，我必须把钱存起来。他告诉我，这些钱我可以花。“记住，”他说，“你明年可以申请同样金额的助学金。”于是我买了一件星期日去教堂穿的新裙子。
I wonder now if the day I set out to steal that tax return wasn’t the first time I left home to go to Buck’s Peak. That night I had entered my father’s house as an intruder. It was a shift in mental language, a surrendering of where I was from.
现在回想起来，偷报税单的那天是否意味着我首次为了离家回到巴克峰。那天晚上，我以一个入侵者的身份进入了父亲的家。这是一种心理语言的转变，是我对家乡的放弃。
My own words confirmed it. When other students asked where I was from, I said, “I’m from Idaho,” a phrase that, as many times as I’ve had to repeat it over the years, has never felt comfortable in my mouth. When you are part of a place, growing that moment in its soil, there’s never a need to say you’re from there. I never uttered the words “I’m from Idaho’ until I’d left it.
我自己的话证实了这一点。别的学生问我来自哪里时，我答道：“我来自爱达荷州。”尽管多年来我曾多次重复这句话，但说出它从未让我感到坦然自在。当你是一个地方的一部分，在它的土壤上成长的时候，没有必要说出你来自那里。我从未说过“我来自爱达荷州”，直到我离开了那里。
“Look, honey,” she said. “You get that much because that’s how much you get. Cash it or don’t, it’s up to you.”
“听着，亲爱的，”她说，“你拿到这么多，那是因为你有资格。要不要兑现，你自己决定。”
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