I was careful never to look in the long mirror.
我小心翼翼地，不去看长方形落地镜。
The counter in Alice’s bathroom was covered with a thousand different products, all claiming to beautify a person’s surface. Since everyone in this house was both perfect and impermeable, I could only assume that she’d bought most of these things with me in mind. I read the labels numbly, struck by the waste.
爱丽丝盥洗室的梳妆台上堆满了成千上万种不同的东西，所有的都宣称能美化人的脸。由于这个家里的每个人既完美无缺，又不能渗透，我只能猜她买这些东西的时候心里想到的是我。我麻木地读着标签，浪费让我感到惊讶不已。
“That’s enough, Alice,” I said tonelessly. “I want to go back to La Push.”
“够了，爱丽丝，”我语气沉闷地说道，“我想回到拉普西。”
Alice combed through my hair with a slow, rhythmic motion.
爱丽丝慢慢地，有节奏地给我梳头发。
How many hours had I waited for Charlie to finally leave Billy’s house so that I could see Jacob? Each minute, not knowing if Jacob was still breathing or not, had seemed like ten lifetimes. And then, when at last I’d been allowed to go, to see for myself that Jacob was alive, the time had gone so quickly. I felt like I’d barely caught my breath before Alice was calling Edward, insisting that I keep up this ridiculous sleepover facade. It seemed so insignificant…
我等待查理终于离开比利家，这样就能见到雅各布了，我已经等了多少个小时了？每一分钟，不知道雅各布是否仍在呼吸，就像活了十个人生那么久。然后，当我最终被允许去，去亲眼看见雅各布还活着的时候，时间又过得如此之快。我觉得自己几乎还没喘过气，爱丽丝就给爱德华打电话，坚持要我装出一副在别人家过夜的样子了。这似乎毫无意义……
“Jacob’s still unconscious,” Alice answered. “Carlisle or Edward will call when he’s awake. Anyway, you need to go see Charlie. He was there at Billy’s house, he saw that Carlisle and Edward are back in from their trip, and he’s bound to be suspicious when you get home.”
“雅各布还在昏迷之中，”爱丽丝回答道，“等他醒了，卡莱尔或爱德华会打电话的。不管怎样，你需要见查理。他还在比利家，他看见卡莱尔和爱德华旅行回来了，你到家的时候他肯定会怀疑的。”
“You need to think of Charlie now. You’ve had a long day — sorry, I know that doesn’t begin to cover it — but that doesn’t mean that you can shirk your responsibilities.” Her voice was serious, almost chiding. “It’s more important now than ever that Charlie stays safely in the dark. Play your role first, Bella, and then you can do what you want second. Part of being a Cullen is being meticulously responsible.”
“你现在需要想一想查理，今天你经历了漫长的一天——对不起，我知道那还不足以表达这层意思——但是那并不意味着你就能逃避责任。”她的声音很严肃，几乎是责备，“现在查理安全地被蒙在鼓里比任何时候都更重要。首先尽到你的责任，贝拉，其次你就可以做任何你想做的事了。当卡伦家的一分子行为谨慎负责是不可分割的一部分。”
I already had my story memorized and corroborated. “I don’t care. I want to be there when Jacob wakes up.”
我已经把我的故事背下来，并且再三确认了：“我不在乎，雅各布醒过来的时候我想在那儿。”
Of course she was right. And if not for this same reason — a reason that was more powerful than all my fear and pain and guilt — Carlisle would never have been able to talk me into leaving Jacob’s side, unconscious or not.
她当然是对的。如果不是因为相同的原因——一个比我的恐惧、痛苦和内疚更强有力的原因——卡莱尔永远都无法说服我离开雅各布的身边，不管他昏迷与否。
“Go home,” Alice ordered. “Talk to Charlie. Flesh out your alibi. Keep him safe.”
“回家吧”，爱丽丝命令道，“和查理谈谈，把你不在场的证据说得绘声绘色。保证他安全，不知情。”
I stood, and the blood flowed down to my feet, stinging like the pricks of a thousand needles.
我站了起来，血冲到我的脚下，像千万根针刺一样疼痛。
I’d been sitting still for a long time.
我一动不动地站了很久。
“Huh? Oh. Er — thanks again for the clothes,” I mumbled out of courtesy rather than real gratitude.
“啊哈？哦，呃——再次感谢你为我买的衣服。”我出于礼貌而不是真心的感激低声说道。
“That dress is adorable on you,” Alice cooed.
“那件裙子穿在你身上很可爱。”爱丽丝肉麻地咕叽道。
I blinked, unable to remember what she’d dressed me in. I couldn’t keep my thoughts from skittering away every few seconds, insects running from the light…
我眨了眨眼睛，记不起她给我穿的是什么。每隔几秒钟我的思绪就情不自禁地飘走了，就像昆虫躲开光线一样……
“You need the evidence,” Alice said, her eyes innocent and wide. “What’s a shopping trip without a new outfit? It’s very flattering, if I do say so myself.”
“你需要证据”’爱丽丝说道，眼睛睁得大大的，露出一副天真无邪的样子，“没有新行头，怎么能算得上购物之旅呢？这把你衬得更美了，如果真要我说的话。”
I knew what she was curious about. But I had other questions.
我知道她好奇的是什么，但是我还有其他的问题。
“Jacob is fine, Bella,” Alice said, easily interpreting my preoccupation. “There’s no hurry. If you realized how much extra morphine Carlisle had to give him — what with his temperature burning it off so quickly — you would know that he’s going to be out for a while.”
“雅各布没事，贝拉，”爱丽丝说道，非常容易地就看透了我当下最担心的事情，“不必着急，如果你意识到卡莱尔不得不额外给他注射了多少吗啡——他的体温很快就把药水蒸发掉了——你就会知道用不了多久他就会好起来了。”
There were many things I needed to think of, but I couldn’t seem to get her out of my head, the newborn whose other life was now — abruptly — over. Her face, twisted with desire for my blood, lingered behind my eyelids.
还有许多事情需要我思考，但是我似乎无法把她赶出我的脑海，那个新生儿，她的另一种生命现在——突然——结束了。她的脸因为渴望我的血而扭曲了，还在我的眼前久久徘徊，不肯离去。
At least he wasn’t in any pain. Not yet.
至少他不痛苦，目前还没有。
“Will I be like that?” I asked her, my voice subdued. “Like that girl Bree in the meadow?”
“我会像那样吗？”我声若蚊蚋地问她，“就像草地上那个叫布里的女孩一样？”
“Is there anything you want to talk about before you leave?” Alice asked sympathetically. “You must be more than a little traumatized.”
“离开之前你还有什么想要说的吗？”爱丽丝同情地问道，“你受到的创伤一定不止一点点。”
“How soon?”
“多久？”
“Alice, can I ask you a question? About the future?”
“爱丽丝，我能问你个问题吗？关于未来？”
“Interesting,” I repeated.
“很有意思。”我重复道。
“It passes,” she promised.
“会过去的。”她保证道。
“Please, Alice.”
“求你别说了，爱丽丝。”
Alice stroked my arm. “Everyone is different. But something like that, yes.”
爱丽丝轻轻地拍了拍我的胳膊：“每个人都不一样，但是有些事情像那样，是的。”
Alice’s forehead puckered. “If you’re worried about Carlisle and Edward, I’m sure they’ll be fine. I believe Sam is beginning to trust us… well, to trust Carlisle, at least. It’s a good thing, too. I imagine the atmosphere got a little tense when Carlisle had to rebreak the fractures –“
爱丽丝的额头皱了起来：“如果你担心卡莱尔和爱德华，我确定他们很好。我相信，至少，山姆开始信任我们了……好吧，信任卡莱尔了。这也是一件好事情。我想象，卡莱尔不得不重新折断骨头的时候，气氛会变得有几分紧张的——”
“I know that. I trust you.” My voice was monotone, dead.
“我知道这一点，我信任你。”我的声音很沉闷，无精打采的。
I was very still, trying to imagine.
我还是一动不动，努力地想象那幅情景。
She shrugged. “A few years, maybe less. It might be different for you. I’ve never seen anyone go through this who’s chosen it beforehand. It should be interesting to see how that affects you.”
她耸耸肩：“几年，或许更短，对你而言可能会不同。我从来没见过谁事先就已经作出这样的选择，再经历这一切的。看看那样会如何影响你，应该会很有意思。”
“Sorry.”
“对不起。”
I took a deep breath to steady myself. Jacob had begun healing too quickly, and some of his bones had set wrong. He’d been out cold for the process, but it was still hard to think about.
我深深地吸了一口气让自己站稳。雅各布一开始恢复得太快了，他的一些骨头错位了，这个过程让他明显地冷却下来，这种情形是很难想象的。
“We’ll keep you out of trouble.”
“我们不会让你有麻烦的。”
“It’s not that, exactly. But you do see my future, sometimes. Why is that, do you think, when nothing else works on me? Not what Jane can do, or Edward or Aro…” My sentence trailed off with my interest level. My curiosity on this point was fleeting, heavily overshadowed by more pressing emotions.
“不是那样的，确切地说，但是你的确看见我的未来了，有时候。你认为为什么其他的东西在我身上都不起作用呢？不是简、爱德华或者阿罗能做到的……”我的声音随着感兴趣程度的变化逐渐消失了。我对此事只有一闪念的好奇，还有更压抑的情感沉沉地笼罩着我。
She was suddenly wary. “You know I don’t see everything.”
她突然警觉起来：“你知道我并不能预见一切。”
Alice, however, found the question very interesting. “Jasper, too, Bella — his talent works on your body just as well as it does on anyone else’s. That’s the difference, do you see it? Jasper’s abilities affect the body physically. He really does calm your system down, or excite it. It’s not an illusion. And I see visions of outcomes, not the reasons and thoughts behind the decisions that create them. It’s outside the mind, not an illusion, either; reality, or at least one version of it. But Jane and Edward and Aro and Demetri — they work inside the mind. Jane only creates an illusion of pain. She doesn’t really hurt your body, you only think you feel it. You see, Bella? You are safe inside your mind. No one can reach you there. It’s no wonder that Aro was so curious about your future abilities.”
然而，爱丽丝却发现这个问题很有趣：“贾斯帕也是如此，贝拉——他的天赋用在你身上的效果和在别人身上是一样的。那就是区别，你明白吗？贾斯帕的能力带给身体的影响是肉体上的。他真的可以使你的系统平静下来，或者兴奋起来。那不是幻觉，而我能预见有结果的事情的后果，并不是这些决定背后的原因或思想创造了它们。这是大脑之外的东西，也不是幻觉；是事实，或者至少是事实的一种情况，但是简、爱德华和阿罗以及德米特里——他们都是在大脑内部起作用的。简只是创造了痛苦的幻觉。她没有真正地伤害你的身体，你只是觉得你感觉到了。明白吗，贝拉？你在自己的大脑内部很安全。没有人能到达你头脑中的那个地方，难怪阿罗对你未来的能力会如此好奇的。”
“I’m only as sure as you are, Bella. You know that. If you were to change your mind, what I see would change… or disappear, in your case.”
“我只能和你一样确定，贝拉，你知道这一点。如果你打算改变主意，我所看见的也会改变……或者消失，就你的情况而言。”
“Can you still see me becoming a vampire?”
“你还能看见我变成吸血鬼吗？”
I nodded slowly.
我慢慢地点点头。
“One more thing. Can I ask you another question about the future? I don’t want specifics, just an overview.”
“还有一件事，我能问你一下关于未来的另一个问题吗？我不需要细节，只是大致的情况。”
“I do. I just wanted to be sure.”
“我知道，我只是想确定一下。”
She put her arms around me. “I’m sorry. I can’t reall yempathize. My first memory is of seeing Jasper’s face in my future; I always knew that he was where my life was headed. But I can sympathize. I’m so sorry you have to choose between two good things.”
她抱着我：“我很抱歉，我无法真的移情。我的第一个记忆就是看见我的未来里有贾斯帕的脸；我一直知道他就在我生命的前方，但是我能同情。我感到很抱歉你不得不在两件很好的东西之间作选择。”
“I’ll do my best,” she said, doubtful again.
“我尽力而为。”她说道，心中又升起一阵疑窦。
She examined my face, her eyes unfathomable. “Don’t you know your own mind, Bella?”
她端详着我的脸，眼睛露出深不可测的神情：“难道你不知道自己的心思吗，贝拉？”
She wasn’t fooled. She stroked my cheek and murmured, “He’s going to be okay, Bella. I don’t need a vision to know that. Are you ready to go?”
她没被骗到。她轻轻地抚摸我的脸颊，低声说道：“他会好起来的，贝拉，我不需要预见就知道这一点。你准备走了吗？”
“Oh, that’s easy. Sure, I do.”
“噢，那很容易，当然，我看见了。”
I sighed. “That isn’t going to happen, though.”
我叹气道：“不过，那是不会发生的。”
She watched my face to see if I was following her logic. In truth, her words had all started to run together, the syllables and sounds losing their meaning. I couldn’t concentrate on them. Still, I nodded. Trying to look like I got it.
她注视着我的脸想看看我是否跟上了她的逻辑。事实上，她所有的话一股脑儿地说出来时，每个音节，每个发音都失去了意义。我无法注意它们。不过，我还是点了点头，想装出一副明白了的样子。
“Yes. The rest of the Cullens beat us home. Esme told us where Carlisle and Edward were.”
“是的，卡伦家的其他人比我们先到家。埃斯梅告诉我们卡莱尔和爱德华去哪里了。”
“Worried about Jake. As soon as I make dinner, I’m going down to La Push.”
“很担心杰克，一做好晚饭，我就打算赶到拉普西去。”
“I told you those motorcycles were dangerous. I hope this makes you realize that I wasn’t kidding around.”
“我告诉过你那些摩托车很危险，我希望这使你意识到我可不是在开玩笑。”
I shook off her arms. “Don’t feel sorry for me.” There were people who deserved sympathy. I wasn’t one of them. And there wasn’t any choice to make — there was just breaking a good heart to attend to now. “I’ll go deal with Charlie.”
我挣脱她的胳膊：“别为我感到抱歉。”还有值得同情的人。我不是他们当中的一个。而且没有要作的选择——现在只有伤害一颗善良的心，再去照顾它，“我去处理查理的事情。”
I drove my truck home, where Charlie was waiting just as suspiciously as Alice had expected.
我把我的卡车开回家，正如爱丽丝所料，查理充满狐疑地在等我。
“Are you okay?”
“你还好吧？”
“Long,” I said dully. “We just got back.”
“很漫长，”我元精打采地说道，“我们刚刚回来。”
He had his arms folded over his chest, his eyes on my face.
他胳膊交叉放在胸口，眼睛盯着我的脸。
I nodded as I started pulling things out of the fridge. Charlie settled himself in at the table.
我开始把东西从冰箱里拿出来的时候点了点头。查理坐在餐桌旁的椅子上。
“Hey, Bella. How was your shopping trip?” he greeted me when I walked into the kitchen.
“嘿，贝拉，你的购物之旅怎么样？”我走进厨房的时候他跟我打了招呼。
He seemed to be in a more talkative mood than usual.
他的情绪似乎使他比平时更愿意说话。
Charlie assessed my mood. “I guess you already heard about Jake, then?”
查理估摸着我的情绪说道：“那么，我猜你已经听说了杰克的事情？”
“I don’t think you need to worry about Jake too much. Anyone who can cuss with that kind of energy is going to recover.”
“我认为你不必过于为杰克担心，任何人有他那种该死的精力一定会康复的。”
“Oh, yeah, he was awake. You should have heard him — actually, it’s better you didn’t. I don’t think there was anyone in La Push who couldn’t hear him. I don’t know where he picked up that vocabulary, but I hope he hasn’t been using that kind of language around you.”
“噢，是的，他醒了。你真应该听听他都在说些什么——实际上，你没听到更好。我认为拉普西那里没有人不可能听见他在说什么的。我不知道他在哪里学来的那些词语，但是我希望他跟你在一起的时候可别说那样的话。”
“He had a pretty good excuse today. How did he look?”
“他今天有很好的借口啊，他看起来怎么样？”
“Messed up. His friends carried him in. Good thing they’re big boys, ’cause that kid’s an armful. Carlisle said his right leg is broken, and his right arm. Pretty much the whole right side of his body got crushed when he wrecked that damn bike.” Charlie shook his head. “If I ever hear of you riding again, Bella –“
“一团糟，他的朋友们把他抬了回来。他们人高马大倒是好事情，因为那个孩子那么大要几个人才抬得动。卡莱尔说他的右腿断了，还有右胳膊。当他从那辆该死的摩托车上摔下来的时候，整个右侧的身体几乎都粉碎了。”查理摇着头说，“要是我再听说你骑摩托车的话，贝拉——”
“Jake was awake when you saw him?” I asked, spinning to look at him.
“您看见杰克的时候他已经醒了吗？”我问他，头晕眼花地看着他。
“Sure, Bella, don’t worry. He was himself enough to tease me.”
“当然，贝拉，别担心。他正常得很，还有精力跟我开玩笑呢。”
“Tease you?” I echoed in shock.
“跟您开玩笑？”我惊诧地附和道。
“Yeah — in between insulting somebody’s mother and taking the Lord’s name in vain, he said, ‘Bet you’re glad she loves Cullen instead of me today, huh, Charlie?'”
“是的——间或还骂某人的娘，亵渎上帝之名，他说：‘我敢打赌你今天很高兴她爱卡伦而不是我，啊哈，查理？’”
“No problem there, Dad. You won’t. Do you really think Jake’s okay?”
“这个没问题，爸爸，您不会再听到那样的事情了。您真的认为杰克没事了吗？”
I turned back to the fridge so that he couldn’t see my face.
我转过身背对着冰箱，这样他就看不见我的表情。
“And I couldn’t argue. Edward’s more mature than Jacob when it comes to your safety, I’ll give him that much.”
“我无法辩驳。说到你的安全，爱德华比雅各布更加成熟，我的确是这么认为的。”
“And then, weirder than that — remember back in February and March when we had all that trouble with the wolves?”
“接着，还有比那更奇怪的事——还记得早在二三月份的时候我们经历过跟狼有关的麻烦事吗？”
“Jacob’s plenty mature,” I muttered defensively. “I’m sure this wasn’t his fault.”
“雅各布也很成熟，”我低声地维护他道，“我肯定这不是他的错。”
I bent down to get a frying pan out of the cupboard, and hid there an extra second or two.
我弯下腰从碗柜里拿出一把煎锅，在那儿掩饰了一两秒钟。
“Weird day today,” Charlie mused after a minute. “You know, I don’t put much stock in that superstitious crap, but it was odd… It was like Billy knew something bad was going to happen to Jake. He was nervous as a turkey on Thanksgiving all morning. I don’t think he heard anything I said to him.
“今天很古怪，”过了一会儿，查理若有所思地说，“你知道，我不怎么相信那些迷信的家伙，但是真的很奇怪……好像比利知道会有不好的事情发生在杰克身上一样。他整个早上就像感恩节的火鸡一样紧张兮兮的，我想他根本没听进去我跟他说的话。”
“Yeah,” I mumbled.
“是的。”我低声咕哝道。
“I hope we’re not going to have a problem with that again. This morning, we were out in the boat, and Billy wasn’t paying any attention to me or the fish, when all of a sudden, you could hear wolves yowling in the woods. More than one, and, boy, was it loud. Sounded like they were right there in the village. Weirdest part was, Billy turned the boat around and headed straight back to the harbor like they were calling to him personally. Didn’t even hear me ask what he was doing.
“我希望我们不会再遇到那样的问题。今天早上，我们划船出去，比利没注意我，也没注意鱼，突然间，你能听见树林里狼的嗥叫声。不止一个，好家伙，那声音可够大的，听起来它们好像就在村子里一样。更古怪的是比利调回船头径直朝港湾划了回去，好像它们是在呼唤他一样，根本没听见我问他在做什么。”
“Well, he found some game he said he wanted to watch, but then he just ignored it. He was on the phone the whole time, calling Sue, and Emily, and your friend Quil’s grandpa. Couldn’t quite make out what he was looking for — he just chatted real casual with them.
“好吧，他找到某个他想看的比赛，接着他根本就没注意看。他一直守在电话机旁，给苏，艾米莉，你的朋友吉尔的祖父打电话。真的搞不懂他在寻找什么——他只是和他们随意地聊着天。”
“The noise stopped before we got the boat docked. But all of a sudden Billy was in the biggest hurry not to miss the game, though we had hours still. He was mumbling some nonsense about an earlier showing… of a live game? I tell you, Bella, it was odd.
“我们把船上好锚之后，嘈杂的声音就没了，但是突然比利以最快的速度赶回家以免错过那场比赛，尽管我们还有好几个小时。他叽叽咕咕地胡乱说了一些关于更早的一场比赛……一场现场直播？我告诉你，贝拉，这事很蹊跷。”
“Course I forgot all about that till just this minute, ’cause that’s when Jake made it home. One minute it was that wolf yowling, and then you couldn’t hear it anymore — Jake’s cussing drowned it right out. Got a set of lungs on him, that boy does.”
“当然，直到那一刻我才想起来那些事情，因为就在那时杰克终于回家了。前一分钟是狼在咆哮，接着你就再也听不见它的声音了——杰克的谩骂声完全盖过狼的咆哮声了。有一对很好的肺啊，那个男孩真的有。”
I winced, but Charlie was so caught up in his story that he didn’t notice.
我畏惧了，但是查理完全沉浸在故事里没有注意到。
“Then the howling started again right outside the house. I’ve never heard anything like it — I had goose bumps on my arms. I asked Billy — had to shout over the noise — if he’d been setting traps in his yard. It sounded like the animal was in serious pain.”
“接着咆哮声又响了起来，就在屋外。我从未听见过那样的声音——胳膊上的鸡皮疙瘩都起来了。我问比利——得大声喊才能盖过这种噪音——他是不是在院子里布了陷阱，听起来这个动物痛得非常厉害。”
Charlie paused for a minute, his face thoughtful. “Funny that some good should come out of this mess. I didn’t think they were ever going to get over that fool prejudice they have against the Cullens down there. But somebody called Carlisle, and Billy was real grateful when he showed up. I thought we should get Jake up to the hospital, but Billy wanted to keep him home, and Carlisle agreed. I guess Carlisle knows what’s best. Generous of him to sign up for such a long stretch of house calls.”
查理停顿了一会儿，脸上若有所思：“有趣的是，倒是有些因祸得福。我本认为他们永远都不会克服对卡莱尔家那种愚蠢的偏见了的，但是有人给卡莱尔打了电话，他出现的时候，比利真的很感激。我以为我们得把杰克送到医院去的，但是比利想把他留在家里，而且卡莱尔同意了。我猜卡莱尔知道哪样才是最好的，他真的很慷慨愿意大老远地跑到家里来问诊。”
“And…” he paused, as if unwilling to say something. He sighed, and then continued. “And Edward was really… nice. He seemed as worried about Jacob as you are — like that was his brother lying there. The look in his eyes…” Charlie shook his head. “He’s a decent guy, Bella. I’ll try to remember that. No promises, though.” He grinned at me.
“而且……”他停顿了，仿佛不愿意说某件事情一样，他叹了叹气，接着继续说道，“而且爱德华真的很……友善。他似乎和你一样担心雅各布——就像是他的兄弟躺在那里一样。他眼中的神情……”查理摇摇头，“他是个大方正派的人，贝拉，我会努力记住这一点的。不过，不做保证。”他冲我露齿一笑。
Charlie stretched his legs and groaned. “It’s nice to be home. You wouldn’t believe how crowded Billy’s little place gets. Seven of Jake’s friends all squished themselves into that little front room — I could hardly breathe. Have you ever noticed how big those Quileute kids all are?”
查理伸伸腿感叹道：“回家真好，你不会相信比利的小地方有多么拥挤的。杰克的七个朋友全都挤进了那个小小的客厅——我几乎无法呼吸。你有没有注意到那些奎鲁特小孩长得多么高大？”
“I won’t hold you to it,” I mumbled.
“我不会强迫你那样做的。”我咕哝道。
I just nodded.
我只是点了点头。
Jacob had looked so… strangely fragile when I’d hurried down to see him as soon as Charlie had left. He’d had braces everywhere — Carlisle said there was no point in plaster, as fast as he was healing. His face had been pale and drawn, deeply unconscious though he was at the time. Breakable. Huge as he was, he’d looked very breakable. Maybe that had just been my imagination, coupled with the knowledge that I was going to have to break him.
查理一离开我就赶过去看雅各布，他看起来那么……脆弱，和他一点儿都不相称。他全身都是矫形器——卡莱尔说他恢复的那么快，没必要用石膏。他的脸很苍白，很憔悴，尽管那个时候他完全没有意识，非常易碎。像他那么人高马大的，看起来却那么容易破碎。或许那只是我的想象，外加上我不得不伤害他的认识。
Charlie stared at me, his eyes abruptly more focused. “Really, Bella, Carlisle said Jake will be up and around in no time. Said it looked a lot worse than it was. He’s going to be fine.”
查理盯着我，眼睛突然更加专注了：“真的，贝拉，卡莱尔说杰克要不了多久就会活蹦乱跳的了。他说看起来比实际情况要糟糕很多，他会没事的。”
“Yeah, I have.”
“是的，我注意到了。”
I put Charlie’s dinner on the table next to his elbow and headed for the door.
我把查理的晚饭放在他胳膊肘旁边的餐桌上，径直向门口走去。
“Er, Bella? Could you wait just a second?”
“呃，贝拉？你能等一会儿吗？”
If only I could be struck by lightning and be split in two. Preferably painfully. For the first time, giving up being human felt like a true sacrifice. Like it might be too much to lose.
要是我能被闪电击中，劈成两半就好了，痛苦却更乐得其所。第一次放弃人类生命的感觉真的就像牺牲一样，就好像这可能会失去非常多的东西。
“Did I forget something?” I asked, eyeing his plate.
“我忘了什么事情吗？”我看着他的盘子问道。
“I love you, too, Dad.” I touched his shoulder, and then shoved away from the table. “If you need anything, I’ll be at Billy’s.”
“我也爱你，爸爸。”我拍了拍他的肩膀，接着手撑着餐桌从椅子上站了起来，“如果您需要什么东西的话，我会在比利家。”
I was hesitant, ready to rescind. “Okay…”
我犹豫了，准备好取消：“好吧……”
“Just promise me one thing.”
“只是答应我一件事情。”
“No, no. I just… want to ask a favor.” Charlie frowned and looked at the floor. “Have a seat — this won’t take long.”
“没有，没有。我只是……想请你帮个忙。”查理皱着眉头看着地板说道，“坐下来——不会很久的。”
“Here’s the gist of it, Bella.” Charlie flushed. “Maybe I’m just feeling… superstitious after hanging out with Billy while he was being so strange all day. But I have this… hunch. I feel like… I’m going to lose you soon.”
“我要讨论的中心就是这样，贝拉。”查理的脸红了，“或许我只是感到……迷信了，和比利一起玩，而他一整天都那么奇怪，但是我有这种……预感。我感觉就像……我很快就会失去你了。”
“Don’t be silly, Dad,” I mumbled guiltily. “You want me to go to school, don’t you?”
“别傻了，爸爸，”我内疚地低声说道，“您还是想我去上学的，是不是？”
I sat across from him, a little confused. I tried to focus. “What do you need, Dad?”
我在他对面坐了下来，有些迷惑不解，我努力注意：“你需要什么，爸爸？”
“I’m serious. I won’t kick up a fuss. Just give me some advance notice. Give me a chance to hug you goodbye.”
“我是认真的，我不会大吵大闹。只是事先通知我，让我有机会跟你拥抱道别。”
“Thanks, Bella,” he said. “I love you, kid.”
“谢谢，贝拉，”他说道，“我爱你，孩子。”
“Dad…” I moaned.
“爸爸……”我满腹牢骚地说道。
Cringing mentally, I held up my hand. “This is silly. But, if it makes you happy… I promise.”
我心里一紧，伸出手说道：“这样很傻，但是，如果这让您感到高兴……我答应你。”
“Will you tell me before you do anything major? Before you run off with him or something?”
“在你做什么重大的事情之前你会告诉我吗？在你和他一起逃跑或者诸如此类的事情之前？”
I tapped quietly on the front door.
我轻轻地敲了敲客厅的门。
Carlisle’s black Mercedes was not in front of Billy’s house. That was both good and bad. Obviously, I needed to talk to Jacob alone. Yet I still wished I could somehow hold Edward’s hand, like I had before, when Jacob was unconscious. Impossible. But I missed Edward — it had seemed like a very long afternoon alone with Alice. I supposed that made my answer quite obvious. I already knew that I couldn’t live without Edward. That fact wasn’t going to make this any less painful.
卡莱尔的黑色梅塞德斯没停在比利家门口，那样既好又不好。显而易见，我需要单独和雅各布谈一谈。然而，不知为何，雅各布昏迷不醒的时候，我仍然希望我能够握住爱德华的手，就像以前那样。这不可能。但是我想念爱德华——和爱丽丝在一起的时候整个下午感觉好漫长。我想那使我的答案非常明显，我已经知道没有爱德华我无法生活，这一事实会令此事不那么痛苦。
“Hey, Billy. Is he awake?” I asked.
“嗨，比利，他醒了吗？”我问道。
I didn’t look back as I ran out. This was just perfect, just what I needed right now. I grumbled to myself all the way to La Push.
我跑出门的时候没回头看。这真是完美至极，正是我现在所需要的，我在赶往拉普西的路上一直嘟嘟嚷嚷的。
“Come in, Bella,” Billy said. The roar of my truck was easy to recognize.
“进来，贝拉。”比利说道。我的卡车的咆哮声非常容易辨认。
I let myself in.
我自己走进屋。
“He woke up about a half hour ago, just before the doctor left. Go on in. I think he’s been waiting for you.”
“他大约半小时之前醒了过来，就在医生走之前。进来吧，我想他在等你。”
I flinched, and then took a deep breath. “Thanks.”
我心里一阵害怕，接着深深吸了一口气说道：“谢谢。”
I hesitated at the door to Jacob’s room, not sure whether to knock. I decided to peek first, hoping — coward that I was — that maybe he’d gone back to sleep. I felt like I could use just a few more minutes.
我在雅各布的房门口犹豫了片刻，不知道是否该敲门。我决定先从门缝里看一看，希望——像我这样的胆小鬼——或许他又睡着了，我感觉自己只有几分钟的时间可以用了。
Jacob was waiting for me, his face calm and smooth. The haggard, gaunt look was gone, but only a careful blankness took its place. There was no animation in his dark eyes.
雅各布在等我，他的脸平静而安详。那个形容枯槁，面容憔悴的脸色消失不见了，取而代之的是一抹空洞茫然，他黑色的眼眸里没有生气。
I stepped in and shut the door quietly behind me.
我走进屋，轻轻地把门关了起来。
It was hard to look at his face, knowing that I loved him. It made more of a difference than I would have thought. I wondered if it had always been this hard for him, all this time.
知道我爱他之后，很难看着他的脸。这造成的不同比我会想到的要多一些，我不知道一直以来他是不是都感到这么为难。
I opened the door a crack and leaned hesitantly in.
我推开一条门缝，门嘎吱嘎吱地响了起来，然后犹豫不决地把脸挤了进来。
Thankfully, someone had covered him with a quilt. It was a relief not to have to see the extent of the damage.
谢天谢地，有人在他身上盖了一条被子，不必看见他伤得有多严重简直是种安慰。
He didn’t answer at first. He looked at my face for a long moment. Then, with some effort, he rearranged his expression into a slightly mocking smile.
他起初没回答，久久地看着我的脸。接着，颇费了一些劲儿，他重新调整脸上的表情使之变成稍稍有些开玩笑的微笑。
“Yeah, I sort of thought it might be like that.” He sighed. “Today has definitely taken a turn for the worse. First I pick the wrong place, miss the best fight, and Seth gets all the glory. Then Leah has to be an idiot trying to prove she’s as tough as the rest of us and I have to be the idiot who saves her. And now this.” He waved his left hand toward me where I hesitated by the door.
“是的，我想可能有些像那样。”他感叹道，“今天一定把事情弄得更糟了。首先我选择了错误的地方，错过了最好的战斗，接着塞思获得了所有的荣耀。接着里尔非得像个傻瓜一样想要证明她和我们其他人一样强大，我不得不成为那个救她的傻瓜，而现在就这样了。”他朝我挥挥左手，我还在门边犹豫。
“Hi, Jake,” I murmured.
“嘿，杰克。”我小声叫道。
“A little stoned. Dr. Fang isn’t sure how much pain medication I need, so he’s going with trial and error. Think he overdid it.”
“有些像石头，芳医生不确定我需要多少止痛药，所以他打算反复试验。我想他用多了。”
“But you’re not in pain.”
“不过你现在不疼了。”
“No. At least, I can’t feel my injuries,” he said, smiling mockingly again.
“不疼。至少，我感觉不到自己的伤势。”他说道，又开玩笑地笑了笑。
“How about you?” he asked, sounding really concerned. “Are you okay?”
“你怎么样？”他问道，听起来真的很关切，“你还好吗？”
I bit my lip. I was never going to get through this. Why didn’t anyone ever try to kill me when I wanted to die?
我咬紧嘴唇。我永远都做不好这样的事情，当我想死的时候为什么没有人试图杀死我？
“Well, I mean, I was pretty sure that he wouldn’t actually hurt you, but I wasn’t sure how bad it was going to be. I’ve been going a little crazy with worrying about you ever since I woke up. I didn’t know if you were going to be allowed to visit or anything. The suspense was terrible. How did it go? Was he mean to you? I’m sorry if it was bad. I didn’t mean for you to have to go through that alone. I was thinking I’d be there…”
“好吧，我的意思是，我非常确定他不会真的伤害你，但是我不确定事情会糟糕到何种程度。我醒来之后就一直疯狂地担心着你，我不知道你是否会被允许来看我之类的，那种悬念令人憎恶。事情怎么样？他对你很小气吗？如果很糟糕的话，我很抱歉。我没打算让你一个人熬过那样的事情的，我想我会在你身边……”
“How are you feeling?” I mumbled. What a stupid question.
“你感觉怎么样？”我低声问道，多么愚蠢的问题啊。
“Me?” I stared at him. Maybe he had taken too many drugs.”Why?”
“我？”我盯着他，或许他吃的药太多了，“为什么？”
The wry humor left his face, and his eyes warmed up. His forehead creased, like he was worried.
警惕的幽默感从他脸上消失了，他的眼睛又激动起来。他皱着眉头，好像很担心一样。
“No. He was… much too kind.”
“没有，他……很友好。”
His eyes widened in what looked like horror.”What?”
他瞪大眼睛，看起来似乎是恐惧一样：“什么？”
“He wasn’t even mad at me — he wasn’t even mad at you! He’s so unselfish it makes me feel even worse. I wish he would have yelled at me or something. It’s not like I don’t deserve… well, much worse that getting yelled at. But he doesn’t care. He just wants me to be happy.”
“他甚至没生我的气——他甚至也没生你的气！他如此大方让我感到更糟糕。我希望他会冲我大吼大叫之类的，我这像是罪有应得……哦，受到比被人家大吼大叫还要糟糕的对待，但是他不在乎，他只是想要我快乐。”
Then I hurried to reassure him. “No, no, Jake! I’m fine. Too fine, really. Of course he wasn’t mean. I wish!”
接着我赶紧宽慰他道。“不，不，杰克！我很好，太好了，实际上。当然了，他不小气，我倒希望！”
It took me a minute to even understand. He babbled on, looking more and more awkward, until I got what he was saying.
过了好一会儿我才明白过来。他含混不清地说着，看起来越来越笨拙，直到我明白他在说什么。
“What’s wrong, Jake? Does it hurt?” My hands fluttered uselessly as I looked around for his medication.
“怎么啦，杰克？很疼吗？”我环顾着他的药膏，手无助地挥舞着。
Jacob stared for another minute, and then he suddenly frowned. “Well, damn!” he growled.
雅各布又盯着我看了一会儿，接着突然皱着眉头说道，“好吧，该死！”他低吼道。
“He wasn’t mad?” Jacob asked, incredulous.
“他不生气？”雅各布问道，满脸的不相信。
He scowled and shook his head. “I was sort of counting on his reaction. Damn it all. He’s better than I thought.”
他满脸怒容摇着头说：“我还有点儿指望他有所反应呢，该死的，他比我以为的要好一些。”
“Not even close — what’s wrong with you?”
“根本没有这样的事情——你怎么啦？”
“No,” he grumbled in a disgusted tone. “I can’t believe this! He didn’t give you an ultimatum or anything?”
“不，”他用不屑的语气咕哝道，“我不敢相信会这样！他没给你最后通牒之类的？”
The way he said it, though angrier, reminded me of Edward’s tribute to Jacob’s lack of ethics in the tent this morning. Which meant that Jake was still hoping, still fighting. I winced as that stabbed deep.
他说话的样子，尽管要生气一些，使我想起爱德华今天早上在帐篷里对雅各布的赞美。那意味着雅各布还是在希望，还是在争斗，那深深地刺进我的心口让我一阵畏缩。
“He’s not playing any game, Jake,” I said quietly.
“他没耍什么把戏，杰克。”我平静地说道。
“You bet he is. He’s playing every bit as hard as I am, only he knows what he’s doing and I don’t. Don’t blame me because he’s a better manipulator than I am — I haven’t been around long enough to learn all his tricks.”
“他当然在耍把戏。他和我一样努力，只是他知道他在干什么，而我不知道。别责备我，他操纵的技巧比我好——我和他相处的时间不长，无法学到他所有的伎俩。”
“Yes, he is! When are you going to wake up and realize that he’s not a perfect as you think he is?”
“有，他在操纵！你什么时候才会清醒过来，意识到他没你想的那么完美？”
“He isn’t manipulating me!”
“他没操纵我！”
“At least he didn’t threaten to kill himself to make me kiss him,” I snapped. As soon as the words were out, I flushed with chagrin. “Wait. Pretend that didn’t slip out. I swore to myself that I wasn’t going to say anything about that.”
“至少他没以死相逼让我吻他。”我厉声说道，话一说出口，我就懊恼地脸红了，“等等，假如那不是说漏嘴了，我对自己发过誓不会说那样的话的。”
“Because I didn’t come here to blame you for anything.”
“因为我不是为了责备你才来这里的。”
He took a deep breath. When he spoke, he was calmer. “Why not?”
他深深地吸了一口气，说话的时候镇静了一些：“为什么不？”
“It’s true, though,” he said evenly. “I did do that.”
“不过，这倒是真的，”他平静地说道，“我的确那么做了。”
He smiled. “I don’t care, either. I knew you’d forgive me, and I’m glad I did it. I’d do it again. At least I have that much. At least I made you see that you do love me. That’s worth something.”
无他微笑道：“我也不在乎。我知道你会原谅我的，我很高兴我这么做了，我会再那么做的。至少我已经拥有那么多了，至少我使你明白你的确是爱我的，那就很值了。”
“I don’t care, Jake. I’m not mad.”
“我不在乎，杰克，我没有疯。”
“Is it? Is it really better than if I was still in the dark?”
“是吗？这真的比我还蒙在鼓里要好一些吗？”
“Don’t you think you ought to know how you feel — just so that it doesn’t take you by surprise someday when it’s too late and you’re a married vampire?”
“难道你不认为应该知道自己的感觉吗——这样一来，你就不必等到某一天已经为时已晚，而且你已经是个结了婚的吸血鬼的时候，才突然意识这一点了——这样不是更好吗？”
He took my question as seriously as I’d meant it, thinking carefully before he answered. “Yes, it’s better to have you know,” he finally decided. “If you hadn’t figured it out… I’d have always wondered if your decision would have been different if you had. Now I know. I did everything I could.” He dragged in an unsteady breath, and closed his eyes.
他如我所愿，严肃认真地思考着我的问题，仔细想了想之后才回答：“是的，让你知道会更好一些”’他最终下决心说道，“如果你没有弄清楚……我一直会想如果你清楚的话，你的决定是否会不同。现在我知道了，我已经做了我能做的一切。”他颤抖着用力吸进一口气，然后闭上眼睛。
I shook my head. “No — I didn’t mean better for me. I meant better for you. Does it make things better or worse for you, having me know that I’m in love with you? When it doesn’t make a difference either way. Would it have been better, easier for you, if I never clued in?”
我摇摇头：“不——我并不是说对我而言会更好，我的意思是对你而言会更好。让我知道我爱你，会使事情对你而言更好还是更糟糕？当这样并不会有任何改变的时候，如果我从来都没有被告知这样的事情，事情会更好，对你来说更易于接受吗？”
“Sorry doesn’t make anything better, Bella. What were you thinking?”
“抱歉并不会使事情更好一些，贝拉，你那时候在想什么？”
“Kissing me back like that was inexcusable.” He spit the words at me. “If you knew you were just going to take it back, maybe you shouldn’t have been quite so convincing about it.”
“像不可宽恕的那样回吻我，”他对我吐出这样的话，“要是你知道你会收回去的话，或许你就不应该让别人对此那么确信。”
“I’m so sorry, Jake.”
“我很抱歉，杰克。”
He pulled away to look at me. “What?”
他抽开身体看着我说道，“什么？”
Jacob sighed, and put his hand on my hair, holding me there.
雅各布叹了叹气，把手放在我的头发上，就这样紧紧地抱住我。
This time I did not — could not — resist the urge to comfort him. I crossed the small room and kneeled by his head, afraid to sit on the bed in case I jostled it and hurt him, and leaned in to touch my forehead to his cheek.
这一次我没有——我不能——抗拒安慰他的冲动。我走过这个小房间，在他的头旁边跪了下来，很害怕坐在床边，唯恐我碰到他，弄疼他，用我的额头轻轻地触摸他的脸颊。
He grinned. It didn’t touch his eyes. “You want me to haul you over the coals?”
他露齿一笑，但是笑容没出现在他的眼睛里：“你想让我严厉批评你吗？”
“Not you, too,” I moaned. “Please.”
“也不是你的，”我呜咽道：“求你。”
He pursed his lips as he measured how much I meant it. A smile flashed across his face briefly, and then he twisted his expression into a fierce scowl.
他嘟着嘴巴，斟酌着我这样说有几分是真的。微笑掠过他的脸庞，接着他的表情扭曲成可怕的怒容。
“Actually… I think I do.”
“实际上……我想我的确这么想。”
“I always knew this was a long shot. It’s not your fault, Bella.”
“一直以来我都知道机会很渺茫，不是你的错，贝拉。”
I winced and nodded. “I’m so sorry.”
我畏缩着点头道：“我很抱歉。”
“It is my fault. And I’m so sick of being told it’s not.”
“是我的错。别人一再告诉我这不是我的错，这样让我太难过了。”
“You should have told me to go die. That’s what you want.”
“你本应该告诉我让我去死的，那才是你想要的。”
“You’re not crying?” he demanded, his voice suddenly back to its normal tone. He twitched impatiently on the bed.
“你不是在哭吧？”他追问道，声音突然变回到正常的语气，他急不可耐地在床上猛地一动。
“I wasn’t,” I whispered.
“我没有。”我轻声说道。
“No, Jacob,” I whimpered, fighting against the budding tears. “No! Never.”
“不是的，雅各布，”我呜咽着说，挣扎着不要让在眼眶中打转的泪花掉下来，“不！从来都不是。”
“Yeah,” I muttered, laughing weakly at myself through the tears that were suddenly sobs.
“是的。”我小声低语道，虚弱地自我解嘲起来，刚才的眼泪蒙咙突然变成抽泣了。
He shifted his weight, throwing his good leg off the bed as if he were going to try to stand.
他扭动了一下身体，把没受伤的腿挪下床，好像打算试图站起来一样。
“What are you doing?” I demanded through the tears. “Lie down, you idiot, you’ll hurt yourself!” I jumped to my feet and pushed his good shoulder down with two hands.
“你在做什么？”我眼泪哗啦地责问道，“躺下，你这个傻瓜，你会伤到自己的！”我跳着站了起来，用两只手把他的肩膀推下去。
“I can’t believe you’re crying,” he mumbled. “You know I just said those things because you wanted me to. I didn’t mean them.” His hand rubbed against my shoulders.
“我不敢相信你在哭，”他含糊地说道，“你知道我说那些话只是因为你想我那么做，我并不是真的那么想的。”他用手轻轻地抚摸我的肩膀。
He surrendered, leaning back with a gasp of pain, but he grabbed me around my waist and pulled me down on the bed, against his good side. I curled up there, trying to stifle the silly sobs against his hot skin.
他屈服了，疼痛得大口喘着气躺回到床上，但是他一把拉住我的手腕，使我又跪在床边，靠在他没受伤的腿那边。我蜷缩在那里，想要靠在他炙热的皮肤上抑制住愚蠢的抽泣。
“I know.” I took a deep, ragged breath, trying to control myself. How did I end up being the one crying while he did the comforting? “It’s all still true, though. Thanks for saying it out loud.”
“我知道，”我深深地吸了一口气，发出刺耳的吸气声，想要克制自己的情绪，我怎么反而成了那个在哭泣，需要他来安慰的人呢？“不过，你所说的一切都是真的，谢谢你把它们大声地说出口了。”
“More games?” I wondered, tilting my chin so that I could see his face.
“更多的把戏？”我吃惊地问道，一边抬起下巴，让自己看见他的脸。
“Don’t worry, Bella, honey. It’s all going to work out.”
“别担心，贝拉，亲爱的，会有解决办法的。”
I frowned.
我皱起眉头。
“I don’t see how,” I muttered.
“我不知道该怎么办。”我低语道。
He looked at the ceiling, his stare intent, as if he were reading something that was written there. “Maybe… it will have to be a long-distance friendship.”
他看着天花板，眼神很专注，好像他想读懂写在上面的某种东西一样：“或许……这将不得不是一种疏远的友谊。”
“Don’t be so pessimistic,” he complained. “Give me a little credit.”
“别那么悲观，”他抱怨道，“对我多一些信心。”
“I’ll be your friend, Bella,” he said quietly. “I won’t ask for more than that.”
“我会当你的朋友，贝拉，”他平静地说道，“我对你不会再有更多的要求。”
“I think it’s too late for that, Jake. How can we be friends, when we love each other like this?”
“我想一切都太迟了，杰克，当我们像这样彼此相爱时又如何能做朋友呢？”
“Do I get points for making you cry?”
“让你哭泣会不会给我加分？”
“Sure, Jake.” I tried to smile. “As many as you want.”
“当然啦，杰克，”我挤出一个笑容，“你想要多少都行。”
I clenched my teeth together, glad he wasn’t looking at my face, fighting against the sobs that threatened to overtake me again. I needed to be strong, and I had no idea how…
我紧紧地咬住牙齿，很高兴他没看我的脸，挣扎着抑制住要再次令我屈服的啜泣。我需要坚强一些，我现在不知道怎么……
“What do you mean by ‘be good’?”
“你说‘乖乖的’是什么意思？”
He patted the top of my head. “I’m going to give in and be good.”
他拍了拍我的额头：“我打算屈服，乖乖的。”
“Maybe.” He laughed with a bit of effort, and then winced. “But I’m going to try.”
“或许吧，”他颇费力气地大笑道，然后一惊，“但是我打算试一试。”
“You know that story in the Bible?” Jacob asked suddenly, still reading the blank ceiling. “The one with the king and the two women fighting over the baby?”
“你知道《圣经》里的那个故事吗？”雅各布突然问道，他仍然读着空荡荡的天花板，“那个讲国王和两个争夺婴儿的妇女的故事？”
“Sure. King Solomon.”
“当然知道，所罗门国王。”
“Yeah, I remember.”
“是的，我记得。”
“That’s right. King Solomon,” he repeated. “And he said, cut the kid in half… but it was only a test. Just to see who would give up their share to protect it.”
“对，所罗门国王，”他重复道，“他说过，把孩子一分两半……不过那只是个测试，要看一看谁愿意为了保护它而放弃自己的一半。”
He looked back at my face. “I’m not going to cut you in half anymore, Bella.”
他回头看着我的脸：“我不打算再让你分成两半了，贝拉。”
I understood what he was saying. He was telling me that he loved me the most, that his surrender proved it. I wanted to defend Edward, to tell Jacob how Edward would do the same thing if I wanted, if I would let him. I was the one who wouldn’t renounce my claim there. But there was no point in starting an argument that would only hurt him more.
我理解他所说的话，他在告诉我他最爱我，他的屈服证明了这一点。我想为爱德华辩护，告诉雅各布如果我想的话，如果我愿意让他这么做的话，爱德华也会做同样的事情。我才是那个不愿意放弃我想要的东西的人，不过开始一场只会让他更伤心的争论没有意义。
I closed my eyes, willing myself to control the pain. I couldn’t impose that on him.
我闭上眼睛，决意让自己控制住疼痛，我不能将此强加在他身上。
We were quiet for a moment. He seemed to be waiting for me to say something; I was trying to think of something to say.
我们安静了一会儿。他似乎在等我开El说话；我努力思考着该说些什么。
“Can I tell you what the worst part is?” he asked hesitantly when I said nothing. “Do you mind? I am going to be good.”
“你能告诉我最糟糕的是什么吗？”我什么都没说的时候他迟疑地问道，“你介意吗？我是打算要乖乖的。”
“What might have been.” I sighed.
“那样可能会怎样。”我感叹道。
“It might. It couldn’t hurt.”
“可能吧，不太会受伤。”
“The worse part is knowing what would have been.”
“最糟糕的是知道那样会怎样。”
“No.” Jacob shook his head. “I’m exactly right for you, Bella. It would have been effortless for us — comfortable, easy as breathing. I was the natural path your life would have taken…” He stared into space for a moment, and I waited. “If the world was the way it was supposed to be, if there were no monsters and no magic…”
“不，”雅各布摇头说，“我完全适合你，贝拉。我们俩会不用任何努力——舒服，自在就和呼吸一样。我本会是你自然的生命轨迹……”他盯着空中看了一会儿，我则等待着，“如果世界是本来应该的样子的话，如果没有魔鬼和魔法的话……”
“Will it help?” I whispered.
“这有帮助吗？”我轻声说道。
“What’s the worst part, then?”
“那么，最糟糕的是什么呢？”
I could see what he saw, and I knew that he was right. If the world was the sane place it was supposed to be, Jacob and I would have been together. And we would have been happy. He was my soul mate in that world — would have been my soul mate still if his claim had not been overshadowed by something stronger, something so strong that it could not exist in a rational world.
我能看见他所看见的，我知道他是对的。如果世界是理所当然的充满理智的地方，雅各布和我会在一起，我们会很幸福。在那个世界里他是我的精神伴侣——他还会成为我的精神伴侣，要是他要求的权利没有被某种更加强大的东西超越的话，那种东西如此强烈不可能存在于理智的世界里。
Was it out there for Jacob, too? Something that would trump a soul mate? I had to believe that it was.
对雅各布而言，这种东西也存在吗？那种会胜过精神伴侣的事物？我不得不相信是这样。
Two futures, two soul mates… too much for any one person. And so unfair that I wouldn’t be the only one to pay for it. Jacob’s pain seemed too high a price. Cringing at the thought of that price, I wondered if I would have wavered, if I hadn’t lost Edward once. If I didn’t know what it was like to live without him. I wasn’t sure. That knowledge was so deep a part of me, I couldn’t imagine how I would feel without it.
两种未来，两个精神伴侣……对任何一个人而言都太多了。这么不公平，我宁愿自己是唯一一个为此付出代价的人。让雅各布承受痛苦的代价似乎太大了，一想到这种代价就让我不禁一颇，我不知道我是否会动摇，如果我不曾失去过爱德华，如果我不知道没有他的生活会是什么样的话。我不确定。那层认知深深地根植在我的心里，我无法想象没有它会是什么样的感觉。
How could I deny him anything at this point?
此刻我又怎能拒绝他什么呢？
He sighed. “The clouds I can handle. But I can’t fight with an eclipse.”
他叹气道：“乌云是我能应付的。但是我无法跟月食作战。”
“He’s like a drug for you, Bella.” His voice was still gentle, not at all critical. “I see that you can’t live without him now. It’s too late. But I would have been healthier for you. Not a drug; I would have been the air, the sun.”
“他对你就像毒药，贝拉，”他的声音仍然温柔，一点儿也没有批评之意，“我现在明白你不能没有他。太迟了，但是我对你而言会更健康，不是毒药；我会是空气，阳光。”
“Tell me the worst part for you,” he whispered.
“告诉我对你而言最糟糕的地方。”他轻声说道。
“I think it will hurt.”
“我想这会很伤人的。”
“I think that might be a bad idea.”
“我想那可能是个坏主意。”
“Please.”
“求你了。”
“The worst part…” I hesitated, and then let words spill out in a flood of truth. “The worst part is that I saw the whole thing — our whole life. And I want it bad, Jake, I want it all. I want to stay right here and never move. I want to love you and make you happy. And I can’t, and it’s killing me. It’s like Sam and Emily, Jake — I never had a choice. I always knew nothing would change. Maybe that’s why I was fighting against you so hard.”
“最糟糕的地方……”我犹豫了，接着话语一股脑儿全都汩汩地涌现出来了，“最糟糕的地方是我看见一切——我们完整的人生，而且我很想要，杰克，我都想要。我想要待在这里，永远都不要动。我想爱你，让你开心，而我不能，这会杀死我的。我一直都知道不会有任何改变，或许那就是我为什么那么强烈地抗拒你的原因。”
“Please.”
“求你了。”
The corner of my mouth turned up in a wistful half-smile. “I used to think of you that way, you know. Like the sun. My personal sun. You balanced out the clouds nicely for me.”
我的嘴角呈现出一抹苦闷的微笑：“我以前也一直这么想你的，你知道。就像太阳一样，我个人的太阳，你令人愉快地为我驱散乌云。”
I touched his face, laying my hand against his cheek. He exhaled at my touch and closed his eyes. It was very quiet. For a minute I could hear the beating of his heart, slow and even.
我抚摸着他的脸，把手放在他的脸上。他在我的手下吸着气，闭上了眼睛，四周非常安静。有一会儿我能听见他的心跳，缓慢而均匀。
“How long do you have left?”
“你还有多少时间？”
I looked up, and he was smiling.
我抬起头看着他，他在微笑。
I had to wait for a minute before I could speak. When I was pretty sure that my voice wouldn’t break, I answered his question.
我等了一会儿才能说话。当我非常确定我的声音不会哽咽的时候，我回答了他的问题。
“So you’re going to get married, huh?”
“那么你会结婚，嗯哼？”
Jake nodded. “That’s true. It’s not such a big thing — in comparison.”
杰克点点头：“是这样。相比之下——这并不是多么了不起的事情。”
“We don’t have to talk about that.”
“我们不必谈论这些的。”
“That depends on how long it takes Alice to pull a wedding together.” I suppressed a groan, imagining what Alice would do.
“那取决于爱丽丝要花多久才能筹办好婚礼。”我压制住一声呻吟，想象着爱丽丝会做的事情。
His voice was very calm, very practical. I stared at him, curious about how he was managing, and that ruined it. He met my eyes for a second, and then twisted his head away. I waited to speak until his breathing was under control.
他的声音非常平静，非常务实。我盯着他，很好奇他是如何做到的，那毁灭了他的努力。他凝视着我的眼神回应着我，看了一会儿，接着把头扭开了。我一直等到他控制住呼吸之后才说话。
“I knew I shouldn’t have told you that.”
“我知道我不该告诉你这些的。”
“I’d like to know some of the details. I don’t know when I’ll talk to you again.”
“我想要知道一些细节，我不知道什么时候会再见到你。”
“It’s not really my idea… but, yes. It means a lot to him. I figure, why not?”
“这并不是我的主意……但是，是的，对他而言很重要。我猜，为什么不呢？”
“Yes. In comparison,” I agreed.
“是的，相比之下。”我同意道。
He shook his head slowly. “No. I’m glad you did. Thank you.” He kissed the top of my head, and then he sighed. “I’ll be good now.”
他慢慢地摇摇头：“不。我很高兴你告诉我了。谢谢你。”他亲吻了我的头顶，接着感叹道，“我现在会很高兴的。”
He seemed to be concentrating on breathing evenly.
他的精神似乎集中在平缓的呼吸上。
“Before or after?” he asked quietly.
“之前还是之后？”他平静地问道。
He nodded. This was a relief to him. I wondered how many sleepless nights the thought of my graduation had given him.
他点点头，这对他而言是种解脱，我不知道想到我毕业让他度过了多少个元眠之夜。
I knew what he meant. “After.”
我知道他的意思：“之后。”
“Are you scared?” he whispered.
“你害怕吗？”他轻声问道。
“What are you afraid of?” I could barely hear his voice now. He stared down at my hands.
“你害怕什么？”我现在几乎听不见他的声音了，他低头凝视着我的手。
“Thanks.”
“谢谢。”
“Lots of things.” I worked to make my voice lighter, but I stayed honest. “I’ve never been much of a masochist, so I’m not looking forward to the pain. And I wish there was some way to keep him away — I don’t want him to suffer with me, but I don’t think there’s any way around it. There’s dealing with Charlie, too, and Renee… And then afterward, I hope I’ll be able to control myself soon. Maybe I’ll be such a menace that the pack will have to take me out.”
“许多事情。”我努力让自己的声音轻松一些，但是还是很诚实，“我从来都不是个受虐狂，所以我不是在期待痛苦。我希望有某种方法让他不在我身边——我不想让他和我一起痛苦，不过我认为没有什么办法做到。还要应付查理、蕾妮……而在那之后，我希望我能很快控制住自己。或许我会成为巨大的威胁，那么狼群就不得不把我除掉。”
“Yes,” I whispered back.
“是的。”我轻声答道。
He looked up with a disapproving expression. “I’d hamstring any one of my brothers who tried.”
他不以为然地抬头看着我：“如果我兄弟当中有谁想要这么做的话，我会扯断他的腿。”
He smiled halfheartedly. Then he frowned. “But isn’t it more dangerous than that? In all of the stories, they say it’s too hard… they lose control… people die…” He gulped.
他心不在焉地微笑起来，然后又皱起眉头：“难道不会比那样更危险吗？在所有的故事里，他们说非常难……他们失去控制……人们会死……”他有些哽噎。
“I know,” he breathed, his arm tightening automatically around my waist. “You know how much I wish it was enough.”
“我知道，”他低语道，胳膊自动地抱紧了我的腰，“你知道我多么希望这就足够了。”
“Well, anyway, lots to worry about. But worth it, in the end.”
“好吧，无论如何，有很多要担心的，但是最终都很值得。”
He nodded unwillingly, and I knew that he in no way agreed with me.
他不情愿地点点头，我知道他不可能同意我的看法。
He grinned back. “You know, I think maybe I’d still take you — maybe. I guess that depends on how much you stink.”
他回给我一个笑容：“你知道，我想或许我仍然会接受你——或许，我猜那取决于你的味道有多么难闻。”
“Yes.”
“是的。”
“I’ll always be waiting in the wings, Bella,” he promised, lightening his tone and loosening his arm. I pulled away with a dull, dragging sense of loss, feeling the tearing separation as I left a part of me behind, there on the bed next to him. “You’ll always have that spare option if you want it.”
“我会永远在一旁等待的，贝拉。”他保证道，语气轻松起来，而胳膊却松开了，我抽开身，感到一种毫无生气的、吃力的失落，当我把身体的一部分留在身后，留在他身旁的床上时，我感到一种支离破碎的剥离感，“如果你想要的话，你永远都会得到属于你的那部分。”
“No, I’m not afraid of that. Silly Jacob — don’t you know better than to believe vampire stories?”
“不，我不害怕那样。愚蠢的雅各布——难道你不是更加了解吸血鬼的故事吗？”
He obviously didn’t appreciate my attempt at humor.
他很显然并不欣赏我故作幽默的努力。
I made an effort to smile. “Until my heart stops beating.”
我努力挤出一个笑容：“直到我的心脏停止跳动。”
I stretched my neck up to whisper in his ear, laying my cheek against his warm skin. “You know I love you.”
我伸长脖子在他耳边呢喃，让我的脸靠在他温暖的皮肤上：“你知道我爱你。’”
“Should I come back to see you? Or would you rather I didn’t?”
“我可以回来看你吗？或者你宁愿我不要？”
“I wonder when it will happen,” I said. “When the right girl is going to catch your eye.”
“我不知道什么时候会发生，”我说道，“当合适的女孩出现吸引你的眼睛的时候“
“That part might be kind of fun,” he admitted.
“那一点可能是开玩笑的。”他承认道。
“Maybe, maybe not. I probably won’t think she’s good enough for you. I wonder how jealous I’ll be.”
“或许是，或许不是。我可能会认为她配不上你，我想知道到时候我会多么妒忌她。”
“Don’t get your hopes up, Bella.” Jacob’s voice was abruptly sour. “Though I’m sure it would be a relief for you.”
“别指望这样的事情，贝拉，”雅各布的声音突然变得有些酸楚，“尽管我确定这对你而言会是种解脱。”
“I’ll think it through and get back to you,” he said. “I might need the company to keep from going crazy. The vampire surgeon extraordinaire says I can’t phase until he gives the okay — it might mess up the way the bones are set.” Jacob made a face.
“我会想明白的，然后去找你，”他说道，“我可能需要有人陪伴防止我发疯。非凡的吸血鬼医生说直到他认为可以之前我不可以变身——那样可能会弄糟骨头愈合的状况。”雅各布做了个鬼脸。
“Sure, sure.”
“当然，当然。”
With a sigh, he turned his cheek toward me.
叹了一口气，他把脸转向我。
“Be good and do what Carlisle tells you to do. You’ll get well faster.”
“乖乖的，照卡莱尔所说的做，你会好得更快的。”
He laughed lightly. “Love you more.”
他轻松地大笑道：“更爱你。”
“Let me know if you want me to come back, and I’ll be here,” I promised.
“如果你想要我回来，让我知道．我就会出现在你身边。”我保证遭。
I leaned in and kissed his face softly. “Love you, Jacob.”
我倾身靠过去，轻轻地吻了吻他的脸：“爱你，雅各布。”
He watched me walk out of his room with an unfathomable expression in his black eyes.
他注视着我走出他的房间，黝黑的眼睛里流露出深不可测的神情。
0 条评论