But I wasn’t alone for very long — just exactly long enough for Alice to see me here, and then the few minutes it took him to arrive. The door creaked open, and he pulled me into his arms.
但是我一个人没过多久——时间长的刚好能让爱丽丝看见我在这里，接着，过了几分钟他就到了。门嘎吱一声打开了，他把我揽入他的怀抱。
When I couldn’t see anymore, I let my tires find the rough shoulder and rolled slowly to a stop. I slumped over on the seat and allowed the weakness I’d fought in Jacob’s room crush me. It was worse that I’d thought — the force of it took me by surprise. Yes, I had been right to hide this from Jacob. No one should ever see this.
当我再也看不见的时候，我让轮胎沿着崎岖不平的谷肩慢慢地滚动着停下来。我委靡不振地坐在椅子上，我在雅各布房间里苦苦挣扎着想要摆脱的虚弱感再次向我袭来，我任由它将我击垮，这比我先前想过的还要糟糕——这种力量使我措手不及。是的，我在雅各布面前掩饰是对的，不该有人看见这一幕。
I didn’t get very far before driving became impossible.
没走多远，车就无法开了。
He didn’t say anything, he just let me sob until I began to blubber out Charlie’s name.
他什么也没说，只是让我啜泣，直到最后我痛哭流涕地说出查理的名字。
“Are you really ready to go home?” he asked doubtfully.
“你真的准备好回家了吗？”他怀疑地问道。
I managed to convey, after several attempts, that it wasn’t going to get any better anytime soon. I needed to get past Charlie before it got late enough for him to call Billy.
经过几次努力之后，我勉强传递出这样的信息，短时间内我是不会好转的。在天色晚到查理忍不住要给比利打电话之前，我需要先经过他这一关。
At first it was worse. Because there was that smaller part of me — smaller, but getting louder and angrier every minute, screaming at the rest of me — that craved a different set of arms. So then there was fresh guilt to season the pain.
起初这更糟糕，因为我身体的一小部分——虽然更小，但是每分钟都在变得越来越强烈，越来越生气，对着我剩余的部分尖叫——对着我张牙舞爪。接着涌起一股崭新的内疚感来平息我的痛苦。
“Bella?” Charlie called after me from his usual place on the sofa as I walked by.
“贝拉？”我经过的时候查理在我身后喊道，他坐在沙发上的老地方。
There was just enough for me to quiet the sobs — hold them back but not end them. The tears didn’t slow. I couldn’t seem to find any handle to even begin to work with those.
时间只够让我从啜泣中平静下来——抑制住而不是结束它们。眼泪没有慢下来，我似乎找不到任何机会来应付那些。
“Wait for me upstairs,” I mumbled when we were in front of the house.
“在楼上等我。”我们来到屋前时，我含混不清地说道。
So he drove me home — for once not even getting close to my truck’s internal speed limit — keeping one arm wrapped tightly around me. The whole way, I fought for control. It seemed to be a doomed effort at first, but I didn’t give up. Just a few seconds, I told myself. Just time for a few excuses, or a few lies, and then I could break down again. I had to be able to do that much. I scrambled around in my head, searching desperately for a reserve of strength.
所以他开车送我回家——第一次他开车的速度甚至都没超过我卡车的内置限速——而且一只胳膊还紧紧地抱着我。一路上，我都挣扎着让自己振作一点。起初似乎这是注定要失败的努力，但是我没放弃。只要几秒钟，我告诉自己。间隔的时间只够我为自己找几个借口，或对自己撒个谎，接着我就又要崩溃了，我必须有能力承受那么多。我在脑海中搜索着，绝望地搜寻着仅存的力量。
“What happened? Is Jacob…” he demanded.
“发生了什么事？雅各布……”他追问道。
He hugged me closer for one minute, and then he was gone.
他把我抱得更紧了，过了一会儿他就消失不见了。
Once inside, I headed straight for the stairs.
一进门，我就径直朝楼梯走去。
I turned to look at him without speaking. His eyes bugged wide, and he lurched to his feet.
我转过身看着他，没有说话。他的眼睛鼓得大大的，东倒西歪地站了起来。
“I’ll be in my room,” I told him, shrugging out from underneath his hands.
“我会在我房间里。”我告诉他，扭动肩膀从他手掌下挣脱出去。
I must look worse than I’d imagined.
我肯定比自己想象的还要糟糕。
I could feel the control slipping.
我能感觉到克制悄悄地溜走了。
“He’s a quick healer,” I mumbled.
“他愈合得很快。”我咕哝道。
I shook my head furiously, trying to find my voice. “He’s fine, he’s fine,” I promised, my voice low and husky. And Jacob was fine, physically, which is all Charlie was worried about at the moment.
我猛烈地摇着头，努力找到自己的声音，“他很好，他很好。”我保证道，声音低沉而沙哑。而且雅各布是很好，肉体上的，这才是查理目前最担心的。
The anxiety calmed, and was replaced by disapproval.
焦急平静下来，取而代之的是不赞同。
“But what happened?” He grabbed my shoulders, his eyes still anxious and wide. “What happened to you?”
“但是发生了什么事？”他抓住我的肩膀，眼睛还是充满焦急，张得大大的，“你发生了什么事？”
“Was this really the best time?” he asked.
“现在真的是最好的时机吗？”他问道。
“Probably not, Dad, but I didn’t have any alternatives — it just got to the point where I had to choose… Sometimes, there isn’t any way to compromise.”
“很可能不是，爸爸，但是我没有别的法子——只是事情发展到了我需要作出选择的地步——有时候，并没有妥协的方法。”
I didn’t answer.
我没有回答。
“I hope you didn’t mess up his recovery.”
“我希望你没把他康复的事情搞砸了。”
He shook his head slowly. “How did he handle it?”
他慢慢地摇着头：“他有什么反应？”
Charlie sighed.
杏理叹了叹气。
He looked at my face for a minute, and then nodded. That must have been answer enough.
他盯着我的脸看了一会儿，接着点点头，那肯定足以回答他的问题了。
“Nothing, Dad. I… just had to talk to Jacob about… some things that were hard. I’m fine.”
“没什么，爸爸，我……只是不得不跟雅各布谈……一些很难说的事情，我很好。”
I made my way to my room, blind and stumbling.
我径直走进我的房间，眼前一黑，脚下踉踉跄跄的。
“Okay,” Charlie agreed. He could probably see the waterworks starting to escalate. Nothing scared Charlie worse than tears.
“好吧。”查理同意道。他可能看出我的眼泪就要进发出来了，没什么比眼泪更让查理害怕的。
“No, Bella,” Edward whispered, capturing my hands. “It’s part of who you are.”
“不要。贝拉，”爱德华轻声说道，一把抓住我的手，“它是你的一部分。”
He pulled me into the cradle of his arms as the sobs broke free again.
啜泣再次开始之前他把我一把揽人怀中，紧紧地抱住我。
This longest of days seemed to stretch on and on and on. I wondered if it would ever end.
许多天来，最漫长的一天似乎一直在延续，无休无止。
Once inside, I fought with the clasp on my bracelet, trying to undo it with shaking fingers.
一进房，我就用力地扯手链的搭钩，努力用颤抖的手指把它解开。
My hindsight seemed unbearably clear tonight. I could see every mistake I’d made, every bit of harm I’d done, the small things and the big things. Each pain I’d caused Jacob, each wound I’d given Edward, stacked up into neat piles that I could not ignore or deny.
我事后诸葛亮的聪明劲儿也似乎清晰得让人无法忍受。我能看见我所犯的每个错误，我所造成的每一处伤害，以及大大小小的事情。我带给雅各布的每个痛苦，我给爱德华带来的每个伤痕，全部都堆砌起来整整齐齐地放在一起，让我不能忽视，也不能否认。
Charlie’s fear of emotional outbursts kept him from checking on me, though I was not quiet — he probably got no more sleep than I did.
查理对感情爆发感到恐惧，所以他不会来查房，尽管我并不安静——他很可能睡的时间不会比我多。
But, though the night dragged relentlessly, it was not the worst night of my life. I took comfort from that. And I was not alone. There was a great deal of comfort in that, too.
但是，尽管夜晚无情地降临，这并不是我生命中最难过的一夜。我从中获取安慰，我不是一个人，这也有许多令人安慰的地方。
And I realized that I’d been wrong all along about the magnets. It had not been Edward and Jacob that I’d been trying to force together, it was the two parts of myself, Edward’s Bella and Jacob’s Bella. But they could not exist together, and I never should have tried.
而我意识到一直以来对于冰箱贴的事情，我的理解都是错误的。我想强迫它们粘在一起，但它们不是爱德华和雅各布，而是我自己的两部分，一边是爱德华的贝拉，另一边是雅各布的贝拉，但是它们不可能同时存在，我一开始就不该这么尝试。
Edward said little; he just held me on the bed and let me ruin his shirt, staining it with salt water.
爱德华什么都没说；他只是把我抱到床上，让我毁灭他的衬衫，用成成的泪水弄脏他的衣衫。
I’d done so much damage.
我造成了那么多的伤害。
At some point in the night, I remembered the promise I’d made to myself early this morning — that I would never make Edward see me shed another tear for Jacob Black. The thought brought on a round of hysteria which frightened Edward more than the weeping. But it passed, too, when it had run its course.
在夜晚的某个时刻，我想到今天早上早些时候我对自己立下的誓言——我决不会让爱德华再看见我为雅各布·布莱克流一滴泪。这种想法引起新一轮的歇斯底里，这比哭泣让爱德华更害怕。不过，当这些都过去之后，一切都会烟消云散。
It took longer than I thought it would for that smaller, broken part of me to cry herself out. It happened, though, and I was eventually exhausted enough to sleep. Unconsciousness did not bring full relief from the pain, just a numbing, dulling ease, like medicine. Made it more bearable. But it was still there; I was aware of it, even asleep, and that helped me to make the adjustments I needed to make.
过了很久，比我想的还要久，我身体中那个小小的破碎的部分才自己哭出来。不过，一切就这样发生了，我筋疲力尽，最后终于睡着了。不省人事并没有让我从痛苦中彻底解脱出来，只是有种使感官麻木迟钝的舒缓感，就像药物一样。使之更容易忍受，但是它还是在那里；即使在睡梦中，我也知道，这促使我做出必要的调整。
“No, I’m fine,” I promised. “That won’t happen again.”
“不，我很好，”我保证道，“不会再发生那样的事情了。”
“I’m sorry that you had to see that,” I said. “That wasn’t fair to you.”
“我很抱歉你不得不看见那一幕，”我说道，“那对你不公平。”
“Hey,” I said. My voice was hoarse. I cleared my throat.
“嗨。”我说道，我的声音很沙哑，我清了清喉咙。
“Bella… are you sure? Did you make the right choice? I’ve never seen you in so much pain –” His voice broke on the last word.
“贝拉……你确定吗？你作出了正确的选择吗？我从未见你如此痛苦过——”他的声音在最后一个字眼儿上停了下来。
He put his hands on either side of my face.
他用手捧住我的脸。
“I don’t know…” His brow creased. “If it hurts you so much, how can it possibly be the right thing for you?”
“我不知道……”他的眉毛皱在一起，“如果这让你如此受伤，那对你而言又怎么可能是正确的事情呢？”
When I woke up, there was no disorientation. I opened my eyes — finally dry — and met his anxious gaze.
当我醒来的时候，没有迷失方向的感觉。我睁开眼睛——眼泪终于哭干了——正视他焦急不安的眼神。
His eyes tightened at my words.
听见了我的话，他绷紧了眼睛。
I touched his lips. “Yes.”
我摸了摸他的嘴唇：“是的。”
But I had known worse pain.
但是我知道更难受的痛苦。
The morning brought with it, if not a brighter outlook, as least a measure of control, some acceptance. Instinctively, I knew that the new tear in my heart would always ache. That was just going to be a part of me now. Time would make it easier — that’s what everyone always said. But I didn’t care if time healed me or not, so long as Jacob could get better. Could be happy again.
早晨带来的，若不是更加光明的景象，至少也是有所克制的，某种程度上的接受。出于本能，我知道我会流下新的泪水，心口还会再痛的。现在那只会成为我的一部分，时间会使之更加容易的——那是大家一直说的话，但是我并不在乎时间是否能治愈我，只要雅各布能够好起来，能够再次快乐起来。
He didn’t answer. He watched me, waiting for it to start.
他没有回答，只是凝望着我，等待我的眼泪再次涌出来。
“Edward, I know who I can’t live without.”
“爱德华，我知道我不能没有谁。”
His eyebrows pulled together in confusion, but he gave it to me quickly.
他的眉毛紧皱在一起，露出迷惑不解的表情，但是他迅速地把书递给了我。
I shook my head. “You don’t understand. You may be brave enough or strong enough to live without me, if that’s what’s best. But I could never be that self-sacrificing. I have to be with you. It’s the only way I can live.”
我摇摇头：“你不了解你可能足够勇敢或坚强，可以没有我而生活，如果那样是最好的话，但是我永远都不可能像你那样自我牺牲的。我不得不跟你在一起，这是我唯一能活下去的方式。”
“I just wanted to find this one part I remembered… to see how she said it…” I flipped through the book, finding the page I wanted easily. The corner was dog-eared from the many times I’d stopped here. “Cathy’s a monster, but there were a few things she got right,” I muttered. I read the lines quietly, mostly to myself. “‘If all else perished, and he remained, I should still continue to be; and if all else remained, and he were annihilated, the universe would turn to a mighty stranger.'” I nodded, again to myself. “I know exactly what she means. And I know who I can’t live without.”
“我只是想找到我记得的那部分……看一看她是怎么说的……”我快速地翻着书，轻而易举地找到了我想要找的那一页，书的一角因为我多次停留在那里而折了起来，“凯西是个魔鬼，但是有几件事情她是正确的，”我轻声地念道，我静静地读着一行行的文字，差不多是自言自语，“‘如果一切都毁灭了，而他依然存在，我仍然会继续如此：如果一切依然存在，而他被消灭了，宇宙就会变成一个令人畏惧的陌生人。”’我点点头，又是自顾自的，“我知道她确切的意思，而且我知道我不能没有谁。”
“But…”
“但是……”
“This again?” he asked.
“又是这本？”他问道。
He still looked dubious. I should never have let him stay with me last night. But I had needed him so much…
他看起来还是很怀疑，我昨天晚上不该让他陪我的，但是我如此需要他……
“Hand me that book, will you?” I asked, pointing over his shoulder.
“把那本书递给我，好吗？”我问道，我指着他肩膀那头的一本书。
“Yes,” I said quietly. “That’s my point.”
“是的，”我静静地说道，“那就是我所说的意思。”
A small smile lit his perfect face, though worry still lined his forehead. “Heathcliff had his moments, too,” he said. He didn’t need the book to get it word perfect. He pulled me closer and whispered in my ear, “‘I cannot live without my life! I cannot live without my soul!'”
一抹若隐若现的笑容使他完美的脸庞容光焕发，尽管他仍然担心得紧皱着额头，“希斯克里夫也有感慨的时候，”他说道，他不必看书就可以一字不差地说出来，他把我抱得更紧了，在我耳边呢喃道，“离开我的生命我就无法生存！离开我的灵魂我就无法生存！”
Edward took the book from my hands and flipped it across the room — it landed with a light thud on my desk. He wrapped his arms around my waist.
爱德华从我手中接过书，朝房间那头一扔——书砰的一声轻轻地落在我的书桌上，他用胳膊抱住我的腰。
“Bella, I can’t stand for you to be miserable. Maybe…”
“贝拉，我无法忍受你那么伤悲，或许……”
I smiled just a bit at his correction, and then I sighed. “We are going to go see Alice.”
听见他纠正我，我不禁莞尔一笑，接着感叹道：“我们要去见爱丽丝。”
“No, Edward. I’ve made a real mess of things, and I’m going to have to live with that. But I know what I want and what I need… and what I’m going to do now.”
“不，爱德华。我真的把事情弄得一团糟，而我不得不承受这一切，但是我知道我想要的是什么，我需要的是什么……我现在要干什么。”
“What are we going to do now?”
“我们现在要千什么？”
Alice was on the bottom porch step, too hyper to wait for us inside. She looked about to break into a celebration dance, so excited was she about the news she knew I was there to deliver.
爱丽丝站在门廊最底下的一级台阶上，她太亢奋了，根本无法待在屋里等我们。她四处观看突然开始手舞足蹈地庆祝起来，她知道我到那里要宣布的消息，这使她感到如此兴奋。
“Thank you, Bella!” she sang as we got out of the truck.
“谢谢你，贝拉！”我们从卡车里下来的时候她唱歌似的叫道。
“Oh, okay. Well, yeah. You know the rules, then.”
“噢，好吧，好吧，是的，那么你知道规则了。”
Alice’s smile was smug.
爱丽丝的笑容是沾沾自喜的。
Alice led the way inside, heading for the stairs. “These things take time, Bella,” Alice explained. Her tone seemed… evasive. “I mean, I wasn’t sure things were going to turn out this way, but there was a distinct possibility…”
爱丽丝领我进来，朝楼梯走去，“这些事情是要花时问的，贝拉，”爱丽丝解释道，她的语气似乎……在逃避，“我的意思是，我不确定事情会发展成现在的样子，但是有明显的可能性……”
I had to take a few deep breaths. Whatever makes her happy, I said to myself.
我不得不深呼吸几次，只要令她感到高兴什么都可以，我对自己说道。
“Sure.”
“当然啦。”
“Hold it, Alice,” I warned her, lifting a hand up to halt her glee. “I’ve got a few limitations for you.”
“等一等，爱丽丝，”我警告她，抬起一只手让她停止兴高采烈，“我对你有几个限制条件。”
It probably wasn’t much of a show. Edward squeezed my hand.
这可能不是一个很好的表演。爱德华紧握着我的手。
“I know, I know, I know. I only have until August thirteenth at the latest, you have veto power on the guest list, and if I go overboard on anything, you’ll never speak to me again.”
“我知道，我知道，我知道。我最迟得在八月十三日之前办好，你对宴请的宾客名单有最后的否决权，如果我在任何地方走极端了，你再也不会跟我讲话。”
“Don’t worry, Bella, it will be perfect. Do you want to see your dress?”
“别担心，贝拉，会十全十美的，你想看一看你的礼服吗？”
“Um, Alice,” I said, keeping the casual, unruffled tone in my voice. “When did you get me a dress?”
“嗯，爱丽丝，”我说道，让自己保持漫不经心，随意的语气，“你什么时候给我买的礼服？”
“Perrine Bruyere has a waiting list, you know,” she said, defensive now. “Fabric masterpieces don’t happen overnight. If I hadn’t thought ahead, you’d be wearing something off the rack!”
“佩莱恩·布鲁耶尔是要排队等候的，你知道，”她说道，现在有些为自己辩护了，“织品杰作不是一夜之间就能完成的。要是我不提前就想到的话，你就会穿现成的衣服啦！”
“When?” I asked again.
“什么时候？”我又问道。
“I’m not throwing a fit.”
“我没有大惊小怪。”
Alice shut the door in his face.
爱丽丝当着他的面关上了门。
I took another deep breath. “It doesn’t matter to me. And you know he’s already seen it in your head. But if that’s how you want it…”
我又深吸了一口气：“我无所谓，你知道他已经在你头脑中看见了。要是你想要这么办的话，就这么办吧……”
She shoved Edward back out the door. He didn’t even look at her — his eyes were on me, wary, afraid to leave me alone.
她把爱德华推出门外。他甚至看都没看她一眼——他的眼睛盯着我，很警觉，很担心把我一个人留下来。
It didn’t look like I was going to get a straight answer. “Per — who?”
看起来我是不会得到直截了当的回答的：“佩——谁？”
She grabbed my wrist and towed me to her closet — which was bigger than my bedroom — and then dragged me to the back corner, where a long white garment bag had a rack all to itself.
她一把拉住我的手腕，把我往她的衣橱边拉——它比我的卧室还要大——接着把我拖到后面的角落里，一个长长的白色礼服袋铺满了整个架子。
“No, you’re not.” She eyed my calm face suspiciously. Then, as we walked into her room, she turned on Edward. “You — out.”
“是的，你没有。”她怀疑地盯着我的脸，接着，我们走进她房间时，她开始把矛头指向爱德华，“你——出去。”
“He’s not a major designer, Bella, so there’s no need to throw a hissy fit. He’s got promise, though, and he specializes in what I needed.”
“他不是主要的设计师，贝拉，所以没有必要对此大惊小怪。不过他很有潜力，而且在我所需要的方面很专业。”
“Why?” I demanded.
“为什么？”我追问道。
“Bella,” she groaned. “You know the rules. He’s not supposed to see the dress till the day of.”
“贝拉，”她哼着说道，“你知道规矩的，直到那一天他是不应该看见礼服的。”
I nodded, hoping my expression was tranquil enough to reassure him.
我点点头，希望我的表情平静到足以让他感到放心。
“All right!” she muttered. “C’mon.”
“好吧！”她嘟嚷道，“来吧。”
“Can I see your dress?” I asked.
“我能看看你的礼服吗？”我问道。
“What do you think?” she demanded.
“你觉得如何？”她追问道。
She blinked, her face blank.
她眨了眨眼睛，一脸茫然。
“It’s beautiful. It’s just right for him.”
“很美，正好适合他。”
“More or less,” she said, nodding. “Some of it is my design, the train, the veil…” She touched the white satin as she spoke. “The lace is vintage. Do you like it?”
“或多或少，”她说着点点头，“有一些是我的设计，裙裾，面纱……”她边说边抚摸白色的绸缎，“蕾丝是老式的，你喜欢吗？”
I appraised it for a long moment, playing with her a bit. Her expression turned worried.
我打量了好久，有意捉弄了她一小会儿，她的表情变得担心起来。
She unzipped the bag in one sweeping movement, and then slipped it carefully off the hanger. She took a step back, holding her hand out to the dress like she was a game show hostess.
她哧地一下拉开袋子的拉链，接着小心翼翼地取下衣架，后退一步，伸出手去拿礼服，就像她是个游戏秀的女主持人一样。
“Well?” she asked breathlessly.
“好啦？”她屏息凝神地问道。
“It’s perfect, of course. Exactly right. You’re a genius.”
“当然，完美至极。完全正确，你是个天才。”
She grinned. “I know.”
她露齿一笑：“我知道。”
It was my Anne of Green Gables vision all over again.
这又是我的《绿山墙的安妮》版本。
“But is it just right for you?” she insisted.
“但是，是不是也适合你呢？”她紧追不舍地问道。
“Yes, I think it is, Alice. I think it’s just what I need. I know you’ll do a great job with this… if you can keep yourself in check.”
“是的，我想是的，爱丽丝，我想这正是我所需要的。我知道你在这方面会做得非常棒的……如果你可以控制住自己的话。”
She beamed.
她眉开眼笑了。
“Ah,” I said, and I smiled, letting her relax. “I see.”
“啊，”我说道，接着笑了起来，让她放松，“我明白了。”
“Nineteen-eighteen?” I guessed.
“一九一八年？”我猜测道。
“No. The danger is behind us.”
“是的，危险已经离我们而去了。”
It sounded very appealing. “I guess I don’t have to hide out anymore, do I?”
听起来非常吸引人：“我猜我不必再躲起来了，是不是？”
“Didn’t you order your bridesmaid dress at the same time? I wouldn’t want my maid of honor to wear something off the rack. ” I pretended to wince in horror.
“难道你没有同时订购你的伴娘礼服吗？我可不想我的伴娘穿着现成的衣服啊。”我假装感到害怕，惊讶道。
“She seems happy,” I agreed.
“她似乎很开心。”我同意道。
She dashed out of the room, yelling, “Esme!” as she disappeared.
她飞也似的跑出房间，叫喊着“埃斯梅！”消失不见了。
I followed at my own pace. Edward was waiting for me in the hallway, leaning against the wood-paneled wall.
我跟随自己的步伐，爱德华在大厅里等我，斜靠在镶嵌着木板的墙壁上。
“That was very, very nice of you,” he told me.
“你非常非常好。”他告诉我。
He touched my face; his eyes — too dark, it had been so long since he’d left me — searched my expression minutely.
他抚摸着我的脸，他的眼睛——太黝黑了，他离开我已经那么久了——细致人微地打量着我的表情。
“Let’s get out of here,” he suddenly suggested. “Let’s go to our meadow.”
“我们离开这里吧，”他突然建议道，“我们到我们的草地上去吧。”
Alice danced back, and her face was bright with fresh enthusiasm. “I’ve got so much to do! Go play with Edward. I have to get to work.”
爱丽丝手舞足蹈地跳了回去，她的脸因为新鲜的热情而容光焕发起来：“我有那么多事情要做！去和爱德华玩，我得工作了。”
She threw her arms around my waist. “Thank you, Bella!”
她一把抱住我的腰：“谢谢你，贝拉！”
“How could you not see that one coming?” I teased, kissing her spiky hair. “Some psychic you are!”
“你怎么没看见事情会是这样的呢？”我捉弄她，亲了亲她像长钉似的头发，“你是个通灵的人！”
He was quiet, thoughtful, as he ran. The wind blew on my face, warmer now that the storm had really passed. The clouds covered the sky, the way they usually did.
他奔跑的时候非常安静，也很体贴。风轻轻地吹拂着我的脸庞，由于暴风雪真的已经过去了，现在更加温暖了。乌云笼罩着天空，它们一贯如此。
“That gives me a month till my birthday. I didn’t want to cut it too close.”
“那离我的生日还有一个月的时间，我不想两件事情挨得太近。”
“August thirteenth?” he asked casually after a few minutes of comfortable silence.
“八月十三号？”这样舒适而默默无语地过了几分钟，他漫不经心地问道。
He sighed. “Esme is three years older than Carlisle — technically. Did you know that?”
他感叹道：“埃斯梅比卡莱尔大三岁——从技术层面上而言，你知道吗？”
Edward lay next to me and held my hand.
爱德华在我身边躺了下来，握住我的手。
My voice was serene, a counterpoint to his anxiety. “My age is not really that important. Edward, I’m ready. I’ve chosen my life — now I want to start living it.”
我的声音很恬静，和他的焦急形成鲜明的对比：“我的年龄真的并不是那么重要。爱德华，我已经准备好了。我已经选择了自己要过的生活——现在我就想开始这样过了。”
I shook my head.
我摇摇头。
The meadow was a peaceful, happy place today. Patches of summer daisies interrupted the grass with splashes of white and yellow. I lay back, ignoring the slight dampness of the ground, and looked for pictures in the clouds. They were too even, too smooth. No pictures, just a soft, gray blanket.
今天草地是个宁静幸福的地方，一簇簇夏天的雏菊夹杂在白色和黄色里星星点点地点缀着草地。我躺在地上，不去理会稍微有些潮湿的地面，看着天空中乌云的形状。它们太均匀，太平坦了。没有图案，只是一片柔和的灰色毯子。
He stroked my hair. “The guest list veto?”
他轻轻地抚摩着我的头发：“宾客名单否决权？”
“It hasn’t made any difference to them.”
“这对他们没什么不同。”
“I don’t care really, but I…” I hesitated, not wanting to explain this one. Best to get it over with. “I’m not sure if Alice would feel the need to invite… a few werewolves. I don’t know if… Jake would feel like… like he should come. Like that’s the right thing to do, or that I’d get my feelings hurt if he didn’t. He shouldn’t have to go through that.”
“我真的并不在意，但是我……”我犹豫了，不想解释这一点，最好能克服它，“我不确定爱丽丝是否会认为需要邀请……几个狼人。我不知道……杰克会不会觉得……他应该来参加。好像那样做才是对的一样，或者如果他不来的话我的感情是否会受到伤害，他不应该非要经历那样的事情。”
Edward was quiet for a minute. I stared at the tips of the treetops, almost black against the light gray of the sky.
爱德华沉默了片刻。我盯着树梢，在淡灰色的天空下它们几乎是黑黢黢的。
Suddenly, Edward grabbed me around the waist and pulled me onto his chest.
突然，爱德华一把握住我的腰，把我拉到他的胸膛上。
“Tell me why you’re doing this, Bella. Why did you decide, now, to give Alice free reign?”
“告诉我为什么你要做这些，贝拉，为什么现在你决定全权交给爱丽丝？”
I repeated for him the conversation I had with Charlie last night before I’d gone to see Jacob.
我为他重复了昨天晚上去看雅各布之前我和查理之间的对话。
“It wouldn’t be fair to keep Charlie out of this,” I concluded. “And that means Renee and Phil. I might as well let Alice have her fun, too. Maybe it will make the whole thing easier for Charlie if he gets his proper goodbye. Even if he thinks it’s much too early, I wouldn’t want to cheat him out of the chance to walk me down the aisle.” I grimaced at the words, then took another deep breath. “At least my mom and dad and my friends will know the best part of my choice, the most I’m allowed to tell them. They’ll know I chose you, and they’ll know we’re together. They’ll know I’m happy, wherever I am. I think that’s the best I can do for them.”
“让查理对此一无所知的话是不公平的，”我总结道，“而且那样对蕾妮和菲尔也是不公平的，我也不妨让爱丽丝玩得开心。或许如果跟查理以合适的方式告别对他而言整件事情会更容易一些，即使他认为这太早了些，我也不想欺骗他使他没有机会陪我踏上红地毯。’’说到这个词我做了个鬼脸，接着又深吸了一口气道，“至少我妈妈、爸爸和我的朋友们都会知道我的选择的最好的一面，我被允许告诉他们的就只有这么多了。他们会知道我选择了你，他们会知道我们在一起。他们会知道我很幸福，不管我在哪里。我想我能为他们做到的就只有这些了。”
Edward held my face, searching it for a brief time.
爱德华捧着我的脸，端详了一会儿。
“Why?”
“为什么？”
“Bella, I see what you’re doing. You’re trying to make everyone else happy. And I don’t care about anyone else’s feelings. I only need you to be happy. Don’t worry about breaking the news to Alice. I’ll take care of it. I promise she won’t make you feel guilty.”
“贝拉，我明白你在做什么。你想让大家都开心，而我不关心其他人的感受。我只要你开心，别担心把这个坏消息告诉爱丽丝。我会处理的，我保证她不会让你感到内疚的。”
“Deal’s off,” he said abruptly.
“交易结束了。”他突然说道。
“What?” I gasped. “You’re backing out? No!”
“什么？”我大吃一惊道，“你要退出？不！”
“I’m not backing out, Bella. I’ll still keep my side of the bargain. But you’re off the hook. Whatever you want, no strings attached.”
“我不是要退出，贝拉，我仍然维持我这边的契约，但是你脱离困境了。无论你想要怎样，都不会有线牵绊着你了。”
“But I –“
“但是我——”
“No. We’re doing this your way. Because my way doesn’t work. I call you stubborn, but look at what I’ve done. I’ve clung with such idiotic obstinacy to my idea of what’s best for you, though it’s only hurt you. Hurt you so deeply, time and time again. I don’t trust myself anymore. You can have happiness your way. My way is always wrong. So.” He shifted under me, squaring his shoulders. “We’re doing it your way, Bella. Tonight. Today. The sooner the better. I’ll speak to Carlisle. I was thinking that maybe if we gave you enough morphine, it wouldn’t be so bad. It’s worth a try.” He gritted his teeth.
“不。我们要按照你的方式来做，因为我的方式不奏效。我说你固执，但是看看我做了什么。我一直愚蠢地固执己见，坚持我心中对你而言什么才是最好的想法，结果只是使你受伤害，一次又一次伤你那么深。我的方式总是错误的，所以991他在我身下动了动，挺直肩膀，我们按照你的方式来做，贝拉。今天晚上，今天，越快越好，我会跟卡莱尔说的。我在想或许如果我们给你足够量的吗啡，就不会那么糟糕了，值得一试。”他咬紧牙关。
There wasn’t much time to act. If I waited too long, I wouldn’t be able to remember why I needed to stop him. Already, I couldn’t breathe right. My hands were gripping his arms, pulling myself tighter to him, my mouth glued to his and answering every unspoken question his asked.
我来不及反应。如果我等待太久的话，就会想不起为什么要制止他了，我已经无法正常地呼吸了。我的手紧紧地抓住他的胳膊，把自己向他拉近，我的嘴唇紧紧地贴在他的上面，回应着每一个他问到的无须开口说明的问题。
His hands were in my hair, his lips moving softly — but very seriously — against mine, before I realized what he was saying. What he was doing.
他的手穿过我的头发，嘴唇轻轻地移动——不过非常认真——我还没意识到他在说什么——他在做什么，他的嘴唇就压在我的上面了。
I tried to clear my head, to find a way to speak.
我试图让自己保持清醒，想要找到说话的办法。
He rolled gently, pressing me into the cool grass.
他轻轻地翻身，把我压在身下凉爽的草地上。
He put his finger to my lips. “Don’t worry, Bella, love. I haven’t forgotten the rest of your demands.”
他把手指放在我的嘴唇上：“别担心，贝拉，我爱，我还没有忘记你其他的要求。”
“Edward, no –“
“爱德华，不——”
“Why?” he whispered into the hollow of my throat.
“为什么？”他在我锁骨之间凹进去的地方说道。
“Stop, Edward. Wait.” My voice was as weak as my will.
“停下，爱德华，等等。”我的声音和我的意愿一样虚弱。
No, no, no, I argued with myself. I shook my head, and his mouth moved to my neck, giving me a chance to breathe.
不。不。不，我跟自己争辩道。我摇摇头，他的嘴唇滑到我的脖子上，让我有机会呼吸。
Oh, never mind! my less noble side exulted. My head was full of the sweetness of his breath.
哦。没关系！我不太庄重的另一面欢欣鼓舞地叫道，我的头脑里洋溢着他甜美的呼吸。
I labored to put some resolve into my tone. “I don’t want to do this now.”
我费力地让自己的语气中多了一些坚决：“我现在不想做这个。”
“Wait, wait,” I tried to say around his lips.
“等等，等等。”我在他的唇边努力说道。
The butterflies in my stomach flooded my throat. He took advantage of my speechlessness.
我胃里一阵难受涌上喉咙，他利用了我的哑口无言。
“Please?” I gasped.
“求你了！”我大口喘着气说。
He pulled back a few inches to look at me, and his eyes did nothing to help my resolve. They were black fire. They smoldered.
他退后了几英尺看着我，他的眼睛没做什么有利于我坚定决心的事情。它们像两团黑色的火焰，浓烟滚滚地燃烧着。
He groaned, and pushed himself away from me, rolling onto his back again.
他呻吟着把自己从我身上移开，又翻身躺在地面上。
“Don’t you?” he asked, a smile in his voice. He moved his lips back to mine and made speaking impossible. Heat coursed through my veins, burning where my skin touched his.
“你不想吗？”他问道，语气中夹着微笑。他把唇重新移回到我的上面，使我不可能说话。热量流遍我的血管，在我的皮肤碰触到他的地方熊熊燃烧。
We both lay there for a minute, trying to slow our breathing.
我们俩在那里躺了一会儿，努力使彼此的呼吸慢下来。
I made myself focus. It took a great deal of effort just to force my hands to free themselves from his hair, to move them to his chest. But I did it. And then I shoved against him, trying to push him away. I could not succeed alone, but he responded as I knew he would.
我强迫自己集中精神，费尽九牛二虎之力才迫使自己的手从他的头发里抽出来，放在他的胸脯上，不过我做到了。接着我推着他，想要把他推开。我自己是不会成功的，但是他回应了我的反应，我知道他会这么做的。
“Why?” he asked again, his voice low and rough. “I love you. I want you. Right now.”
“为什么？”他又问道，声音低沉而沙哑，“我爱你，我想要你，就现在。”
“Not for me,” he murmured in disagreement.
“我不能等。”他不同意地咕哝道。
“Tell me why not, Bella,” he demanded. “This had better not be about me.”
“告诉我为什么不，贝拉，”他逼问道，“这最好不是因为我。”
I took a deep breath. “Responsibly. Everything in the right order. I will not leave Charlie and Renee without the best resolution I can give them. I won’t deny Alice her fun, if I’m having a wedding anyway. And I will tie myself to you in every human way, before I ask you to make me immortal. I’m following all the rules, Edward. Your soul is far, far too important to me to take chances with. You’re not going to budge me on this.”
我深呼吸道：“负责任地，一切都按照适当的顺序。不给查理和蕾妮最佳的解决方案，我是不会离开他们的。如果无论如何我都要举行婚礼的话，我都不会拒绝让爱丽丝享受其中的乐趣，而且我会让自己和你用一切人类的方式结合在一起，在我要你把我变成不死之身之前。我正遵循着所有的规则，爱德华。你的灵魂对我来说太，太重要了，我不能拿它冒险，你别打算让我在这一点上改变立场。”
I grinned at him. “Never said I did.”
我对他嫣然一笑：“从没说过我要这么做。”
“Who’s definition of right?”
“谁对‘恰当’的定义？”
“Mine.”
“我。”
He smiled back, wistful. “If you change your mind…”
他也对我微微一笑，愁眉苦脸地说道：“如果你改变主意了……”
“You don’t fight fair,” he accused.
“你耍赖，不公平。”他责备道。
“You’ll be the first to know,” I promised.
“你会是第一个知道的。”我答应他。
“But you wouldn’t,” I said, trying to keep my voice level. “Not knowing that this is what I really need.”
“但是你不会，”我说道，使自己保持平和的语气，“如果你不确定这是否真的是我需要的话。”
“Edward, this is very important to me. I am going to do this right.”
“爱德华，这对我非常重要，我打算恰当地做这件事。”
He rolled onto his elbow and stared at me, his expression disapproving.
他翻身用胳膊肘支撑着自己，凝视着我，满脸的不赞成。
Everything in my world was about him. What a silly thing to expect.
我世界里的一切都是关于他的，有这样的想法是多么傻啊。
“I’ll bet I could, ” he murmured, his eyes burning again.
“我打赌我能。”他低声说道，眼睛又燃烧起来。
“How are you going to do this right?”
“你打算如何恰当地做此事？”
I glowered at the sky.
我愤怒地盯着天空。
The rain started to drip through the clouds just then, a few scattered drops that made faint thuds as they struck the grass.
就在那时雨开始从云端滴落下来，洒落在草地上，发出若有似元的砰砰声。
“Rain’s not the problem,” I grumbled. “It just means that it’s time to go do something that will be very unpleasant and possibly even highly dangerous.”
“雨水不是问题，”我满腹牢骚地说道，“这只是意味着，我们该去做那件令人不安的事情了，也许还非常危险呢。”
“I’ll get you home.” He brushed the tiny beads of water from my cheeks.
“我送你回家。”他轻轻地拂掉我脸上的水珠。
His eyes widened in alarm. “It’s a good thing you’re bulletproof.” I sighed. “I’m going to need that ring. It’s time to tell Charlie.”
他惊慌地睁大了眼睛。“你刀枪不入，真是件好事。”我叹了口气。我需要那个戒指。是该告诉查理的时候了。”
He laughed at the expression on my face. “Highly dangerous,” he agreed. He laughed again and then reached into the pocket of his jeans. “But as least there’s no need for a side trip.”
他看着我的表情大笑起来，“高度危险，”他同意道，他又大笑起来，接着把手伸进牛仔裤的口袋里，“不过至少没有必要顺便旅游了。”
Where it would stay — conceivably for the rest of eternity.
可以想象得到，在剩下的永恒时光里——它会一直停留在那里。
He once again slid my ring into place on the third finger of my left hand.
他再次把戒指套在我左手的中指上。
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