Each time that I opened my eyes to the morning light and realized I’d lived through another night was a surprise to me. After the surprise wore off, my heart would start to race and my palms would sweat; I couldn’t really breathe again until I’d gotten up and ascertained that Charlie had survived as well.
每天早上当我睁开眼睛，发现自己又安然度过了一夜就觉得欣喜。一阵短暂的欣喜过后心跳开始加速，掌心冒出冷汗，我赶紧身去看查理，确定他也安然无恙后我才能按下心来。
I could tell he was worried — watching me jump at any loud sound, or my face suddenly go white for no reason that he could see. From the questions he asked now and then, he seemed to blame the change on Jacob’s continued absence.
我看得出来他很担心——我一听到任何响声都会惊跳起来，脸色总是会无缘无故变得苍白。从他偶尔的询问中，我知道他是在责怪雅各布太久没有出现。
The terror that was always foremost in my thoughts usually distracted me from the fact that another week had passed, and Jacob still hadn’t called me. But when I was able to concentrate on my normal life — if my life was really ever normal — this upset me.
恐惧打消了我心里所有的念想，我几乎没有意识到一个星期又过去了，而雅各布还是没有给我打电话。当我的生活恢复正常——如果我的生活还算是正常的生活的话——这件事让我感到伤心。
I missed him horribly.
我非常想念他。
It had been bad enough to be alone before I was scared silly. Now, more than ever, I yearned for his carefree laugh and his infectious grin. I needed the safe sanity of his homemade garage and his warm hand around my cold fingers.
在经历恐惧和惊吓之前，我已经忍受不了一个人独处。而现在，我比从前更想念他轻松愉快的笑声和打动人心的笑脸，想念他那间简单却安全、宁静的车库，想念他温暖的手掌握住我冰冷的双手。
On Wednesday I called every half hour until after eleven at night, desperate to hear the warmth of Jacob’s voice.
星期三，我每隔半小时就往他家打一个电话，直到晚上11点后才作罢，我急于听到雅各布温情脉脉的声音。
I called him Tuesday, but no one answered. Were the phone lines still having problems? Or had Billy invested in caller I. D.?
星期二，我给他打了个电话，但是没有人应答。难道电话线路又出故障了？或者比利申请了来电显示？
Thursday I sat in my truck in front of my house — with the locks pushed down — keys in hand, for a solid hour. I was arguing with myself, trying to justify a quick trip to La Push, but I couldn’t do it.
星期四，我呆坐在门口的小卡车里——按下车栓——手里握着车钥匙，整整坐了一个小时。我艰难地作着思想斗争，想要说服自己开车去一趟拉普西，但是我不能这么做。
I’d half expected him to call on Monday. If there had been some progress with Embry, wouldn’t he want to report it? I wanted to believe that it was worry for his friend that was occupying all his time, not that he was just giving up on me.
星期一，我期待他打个电话过来。如果他与恩布里一切进展顺利的话，他是不是希望告诉我一声呢？我宁可相信他是为了朋友的事情忙碌操心，而不是有意疏远我。
I knew that Laurent had gone back to Victoria by now. If I went to La Push, I took the chance of leading one of them there. What if they caught up to me when Jake was nearby? As much as it hurt me, I knew it was better for Jacob that he was avoiding me. Safer for him.
劳伦特现在肯定回到维多利亚那里了。如果我去拉普西，我也许会把他们也引过去。如果杰克（雅各布）看到我被他们捉住怎么办？尽管看不到雅各布让我伤心不已，但是他离我越远就会越安全，这样想想，心里也就不那么难受了。
It was bad enough that I couldn’t figure out a way to keep Charlie safe. Nighttime was the most likely time that they would come looking ior me, and what could I say to get Charlie out of the house? If I told him the truth, he’d have me locked up in a rubber room somewhere. I would have endured that — welcomed it, even — if it could have kept him safe. But Victoria would still come to his house first, looking for me. Maybe, if she found me here, that would be enough for her. Maybe she would just leave when she was done with me.
可惜我没办法保证查理的安全。夜晚是他们最有可能来寻找我的时刻，但是我要如何向查理解释才能让他离开屋子呢？如果我告诉他实情，他肯定会把我关在一个无人问津的地方。如果这样做能确保他的安全的话，我可以忍受，甚至欣然接受，但是维多利亚还是会先到家里来找我的。如果她在这里找到我，也许所有问题就此解决，她会在杀了我以后满足的离开。
The worry was eating a hole in my stomach. Soon I would have matching punctures.
忧虑似乎吞噬着我的胃，也许不久我就会患上胃穿孔。
That night, Charlie did me another favor and called Harry again to see if the Blacks were out of town. Harry reported that Billy had attended the council meeting Wednesday night, and never mentioned anything about leaving. Charlie warned me not to make a nuisance of myself — Jacob would call when he got around to it.
晚上，查理又帮了我一个忙。他给哈里打了个电话，询问布莱克一家是否搬出小镇了。哈里说比利星期三晚上还参加了会议，根本没有提离开的事情。查理让我不要自寻烦恼——雅各布如果有时间，一定会打电话过来的。
So I couldn’t run away. Even if I could, where would I go? To Renee? I shuddered at the thought of dragging my lethal shadows into my mother’s safe, sunny world. I would never endanger her that way.
所以，我不能逃走。即使我可以逃，又能逃到哪里呢？去蕾妮那儿吗？一想到把死亡的阴影带到母亲安定、快乐的世界，我不禁打了个寒噤。我永远都不能让她受到伤害。
As soon as I thought of it, I felt really stupid for not seeing it sooner. Sure. I’d had a lot on my mind — revenue-obsessed vampires, giant mutant wolves, a ragged hole in the center of my chest — but when I laid the evidence out, it was embarrassingly obvious.
我埋怨自己没有早一些认识到这一点。当然，我最近的确心事重重——伺机报复的吸血鬼、巨型怪异的狼群，还有胸口的伤痛——但是，当我把所有的事情联系起来，一切都是那么显而易见，而我竟然到现在才发现。
I wasn’t paying attention to the familiar road, letting the sound of the engine deaden my brain and silence the worries, when my subconscious delivered a verdict it must have been working on for some time without my knowledge.
我当时一点也没留意熟悉的路况，只是麻木地听着汽车的引擎声，以此驱散所有的愁绪。突然间，我下意识地领悟到一个道理，好像它在我心里酝酿已久，直到现在才被我察觉。
Friday afternoon, as I drove home from school, it hit me out of the blue.
星期五下午，在开学从学校回家的路上，我突然意识到了一件事。
Jacob avoiding me. Charlie saying he looked strange, upset… Billy’s vague, unhelpful answers.
雅各布回避我。查理说他变得怪怪的，看上去心烦意乱……比利模棱两可、毫无意义的回答。
Holy crow, I knew exactly what was going on with Jacob.
天啊，我知道雅各布到底是怎么回事了。
It was Sam Uley. Even my nightmares had been trying to tell me that. Sam had gotten to Jacob. Whatever was happening to the other boys on the reservation had reached out and stolen my friend. He’d been sucked into Sam’s cult.
是因为山姆·乌利，就连我的噩梦都曾暗示过这件事，是山姆·乌利改变了雅各布。发生在其他男孩儿身上的情形蔓延来来，如今正在影响我的朋友，他一定是卷入了山姆的小帮派。
He hadn’t given up on me at all, I realized with a rush of feeling.
他根本就没有放弃我，我激动地想着。
If I went looking for Jacob, I risked the chance of Victoria or Laurent finding me with him.
如果我去雅各布家，就有可能把维多利亚或者劳伦特带到那里。
If I didn’t go after him, Sam would pull him deeper into his frightening, compulsory gang. Maybe it would be too late if I didn’t act soon.
如果我不去，山姆会让他深陷那个令人发指的强制性小帮派而不能自拔。再不采取任何行动的话，他可能变的无可救药。
I let my truck idle in front of my house. What should I do? I weighed the dangers against each other.
我在家门口停下车，我现在应该做些什么呢？我衡量着各种举措的利弊。
It had been a week, and no vampires had come for me yet. A week was more than enough time for them to have returned, so I must not be a priority. Most likely, as I’d decided before, they would come for me at night. The chances of them following me to La Push were much lower than the chance of losing Jacob to Sam.
过去的一个星期里，还没有任何吸血鬼来找我。如果他们真的想取我的性命，绝不会等一个星期这么长的时间，所以我应该不必担心，更何况我认为他们只有在晚上才会出现。对比之下，失去雅各布的可能性远远大于吸血鬼跟踪我到拉普西的可能性。
“Dad, it’s Bella.”
“爸爸，是我，贝拉。”
“What’s wrong?'”
“出了什么事？”
“Why?” he asked, surprised by the unexpected topic.
“为什么？”他问道，并没有想到我会谈论这个话题。
I decided I’d better call Charlie first. Maybe whatever was going on down in La Push was something the police should be involved in. I dashed inside, in a hurry to be on my way.
我决定先给查理打个电话，也许应该通知警方拉普西发生的事情。我冲进屋里，一刻也不想耽搁自己的计划。
Charlie answered the phone it the station himself. “Chief Swan.”
查理接了电话。“斯旺警长。”
I couldn’t argue with his doomsday assumption this time. My voice was shaking. “I’m worried about Jacob.”
这次我并没有责怪他总是假设我会出事的态度，我的说话声在颤抖。“我很担心雅各布。”
It was worth the danger of the secluded forest road. This was no idle visit to see what was going on. I knew what was going on. This was a rescue mission. I was going to talk to Jacob — kidnap him if I had to. I’d once seen a PBS show on deprogramming the brainwashed. There had to be some kind of cure.
冒险行驶在偏僻的森林小道上是值得的，这一次并不是去无谓地打探究竟发生了什么事，我清楚地知道发生了什么，这是一场营救行动。我要去和雅各布谈谈——万不得已的话，我会挟持他。我看过公共广播社的一档节目，讲的是如何解救被洗脑者，我必须采取一些措施来拯救他。
“What kind of stuff?” He used his professional, police business voice. That was good; he was taking me seriously.
“是什么样的事情呢？”他显出了职业警方的查案时的语气。这样也好，起码他是在认真对待我所说的话。
“I think… I think something weird is going on down at the reservation. Jacob told me about some strange stuff happening with the other boys his age. Now he’s acting the same way and I’m scared.”
“我觉得……我觉得有些不寻常的事情发生了。雅各布曾告诉我，和他差不多大的男孩儿身上发生了奇怪的事。现在他也和他们一样奇怪，我有些害怕。”
“Dad, it’s not like that. Jacob was scared of him.”
“爸爸，并不是这样的，雅各布害怕他。”
Charlie’s voice was more relaxed when he answered. “I think you’ve got it wrong, Bells. Sam Uley is a great kid. Well, he’s a man now. A good son. You should hear Billy talk about him. He’s really doing wonders with the youth on the reservation. He’s the one who — ” Charlie broke off mid-sentence, and I guessed that he had been about to make a reference to the night I’d gotten lost in the woods. I moved on quickly.
查理的语气变得轻松起来：“我想你是弄错了，贝尔。山姆。乌利是个好孩子。对了，他现在应该是个男子汉了，一个听话的儿子，你应该听比利谈起过他。他和其他的年轻人相处的不错。他是”查理突然停下来，我猜他打算提及我在树丛走丢的那个晚上。我立即插上话。
“Yes.”
“是的”
“First he was scared, and then he was avoiding me, and now… I’m afraid he’s part of that bizarre gang down there, Sam’s gang. Sam Uley’s gang.”
“一开始，他受了惊吓；接着，他开始回避我，现在……我担心他加入了那个怪异的帮派，山姆的帮派，山姆·乌利的帮派。”
“Sam Uley?” Charlie repeated, surprised again.
“山姆·乌利？”查理吃惊的重复了一遍。
“Did you talk to Billy about this?” He was trying to soothe me now. I’d lost him as soon as I’d mentioned Sam.
“你对比利说过这件事吗？”他尝试着安慰我。一提到山姆，我就没办法让他警惕起来。
“Well, Bella, then I’m sure it’s okay. Jacob’s a kid; he was probably just messing around. I’m sure he’s fine. He can’t spend every waking minute with you, after all.”
“好吧，贝拉，我确信一切正常，雅各布还是个孩子，也许他只是想多花点时间和朋友们在一起。我相信他一切正常，毕竟，他不可能每分每秒都和你在一起。”
“Billy’s not concerned.”
“比利和这件事无关。”
“This isn’t about me,” I insisted, but the battle was lost.
“这事和我无关。”我坚持道，但我已经在这场口水战中败下阵来。
“Look, I really have to go. Don’t worry about Jake, Bella. I’m sure it’s nothing.”
“我得走了。别担心杰克，贝拉，我相信他没事。”
“I don’t think you need to worry about this. Let Billy take care of Jacob.”
“我认为你不必担心，让比利照顾雅各布吧。”
“Charlie…” My voice was starting to sound whiney.
“查理……”我显得焦躁不安。
“Bells, I got a lot on my plate right now. Two tourists have gone missing off a trail outside crescent lake.” There was an anxious edge to his voice. “This wolf problem is getting out of hand.”
“贝尔，我手头有一大堆棘手的事情。又有两个游人在湖边失踪，”他焦虑的说道，“狼群造成的问题越来越难处理了。”
I was momentarily distracted — stunned, really — by his news. There was no way the wolves could have survived a match-up with Laurent…
我一下子被他说的话吸引住了——确切地说，是被怔住了。狼群的对手是劳伦特，它们没理由能免于一死……
“Oh!” It must not have come to a confrontation, then. Laurent must have simply outrun the wolves, but why? What I’d seen in the meadow just got stranger and stranger — more impossible to understand.
“噢！”这样看来，劳伦特和狼群并没有交手，他只是比它们跑得更快些。但是，为什么呢？我在草地上目睹的一切变得越来越奇怪——越来越难以理解。
“Fine,” I said curtly, frustrated as his words reminded me of the more urgent crisis at hand. “Bye.” I hang up.
“好吧。”我简单地回答一切，思绪又转回到眼前最急迫的事情上来，“再见。”我挂上电话。
“Are you sure that’s what happened to them?” I asked.
“你确定是狼群造成的失踪吗？”我问道。
I stared at the phone for a long minute. What the hell, I decided.
我盯着电话看了许久，无论如何我也要解决好这件事，我拨通了雅各布家的电话。
“Afraid so, honey. There was –” He hesitated. “There were tracks again, and… some blood this time.”
“恐怕是的，亲爱的。有一些”他犹豫一下，“又有一些脚印……还有这次还有血迹。”
“See you soon, Billy,” I muttered into the dead phone.
“再见，比利。”我对着挂断的电话自言自语道。
I drove to La Push determined to wait. I’d sit out front of his house all night if I had to. I’d miss school. The boy was going to have to come home sometime, and when he did, he was going to have to talk to me.
我开车去拉普西，决定等待雅各布的出现。我会在他家门口等上一夜，即使逃课我也要等着他。总有一天他会回家，等他回来了，我要和他说个明白。
I knew better than to mention Sam’s name.
我最好不要提到山姆。
“Embry?” I asked.
“有恩布里吗？”我问道。
“Oh yeah? Anyone I know? Quil?” I could tell the words didn’t come across as casually as I’d meant them to.
“哦，是吗？是我认识的朋友吗？”有奎尔吗？”我知道自己问这话是别有用心。
“He’s out with his friends.” Billy’s voice was careful.
“他和朋友们出去了。”比利小心翼翼地说道。
“No,” Billy said slowly. “I don’t think he’s with Quil today.”
“没有。”比利慢慢的说，“他今天没和奎尔在一起。”
What a shock. “Do you know where he is?”
真是出乎意料。“你知道他去哪里了吗？”
Billy seemed happier to answer this one. “Yeah, he’s with Embry.”
比利似乎很乐意回答这个问题：“对，他和恩布里在一起。”
My mind was so preoccupied that the trip I’d been terrified of making seemed to take only a few seconds. Before I was expecting it, the forest began to thin, and I knew I would soon be able to see the first little houses of the reservation.
我一心想着雅各布的事情，原以为危险重重的路途似乎变得特别短。还没有等我反应过来，森林就消失在视野之中，很快我就能看到专属地上那一排排房屋。
“Sure, sure. No problem.” Click.
“当然，没问题。”电话断了。
“Hello?”
“你好。”
That was enough for me. Embry was one of them.
知道恩布里同他在一起就已经足够了。
“Well, have him call me when he gets in, all right?”
“好吧，他回来了让他给我打个电话，好吗？”
“Jake’s not here.”
“杰克不在。”
Billy answered after two rings.
响了两声后，电话那头传来了比利的声音。
“Hey, Billy,” I almost growled. I tried to sound more friendly as I continued. “Can I talk to Jacob, please?”
“嘿，比利，”我强忍住对他大吼的冲动，尽可能友好地问道，“能让雅各布听电话吗？”
“Oh, hey, Bella,” he greeted me dully.
“噢，嘿，贝拉。”他无精打采地打了个招呼。
“Hi, Quil… Are you okay?”
“你好，奎尔…… 你还好吗？”
I crossed over to the wrong side of the road to stop next to him. He looked up when the roar of my truck approached.
我在他身边停下车，他听到汽车声后抬起了头。
“Where to?”
“去哪里？”
Walking away, along the left side of the road, was a tall boy with a baseball cap.
一个戴着棒球帽的高个子男孩儿在马路左边走着。
My breath caught for just a moment in my throat, hopeful that luck was with me for once, and I’d srumbled across Jacob without hardly trying. But this boy was too wide, and the hair was short under the hat. Even from behind, I was sure it was Quil, though he looked bigger than the last time I’d seen him. What was with these Quileute boys? Were they feeding them experimental growth hormones?
我一时激动得几乎无法呼吸，幸运之神终于眷顾我了，让我这么容易就撞见了雅各布。但是，这个男孩儿比他更魁梧，帽下的头发也比他短。尽管只看到了背影，我确定这个人是奎尔，他比我上次见到他时更高大了。这些奎鲁特男孩儿怎么长的这么快？难道他们吃了什么成长激素？
He stared at me morosely. “Fine.”
他犹豫地看着我：“还好。”
“Sure, I guess,” he mumbled. He shuffled around the front of the truck and opened the passenger door to climb in.
“当然。”他绕到车门前，坐到了副驾驶的位子上。
“Can I give you a ride somewhere?” I offered.
“我能在你一程吗？”我提议道。
Quil’s expression frightened me more than it surprised me. His face was bleak, brooding, his forehead creased with worry.
奎尔的表情不仅让我吃惊，更让我害怕。他面色阴郁，垂头丧气，眉头紧锁。
“My house is on the north side, back behind the store,” he told me.
“我家在北边，超市后面。”他告诉我。
“A distance?” I echoed.
“从远处？”我重复着。
“Have you seen Jacob today.” The question burst from me almost before he’d finished speaking.
“你今天见到雅各布了吗？”他的话音刚落，我就迫不及待地问道。
“Never leaves Sam’s side.” Quil turned his head and spit out the open window.
“一直待在山姆的身边。”奎尔转过头，向窗外吐口水。
I looked at Quil eagerly, waiting for his answer. He stared out the windshield for a second before he spoke. “From a distance,” he finally said.
我充满期待地看着奎尔，等着他的回答。他望着车窗外，过了很久才说道：“从远处看到他了。”
I nodded. “Jake told me… before.”
我点点头：“杰克告诉过我以前告诉过我。”
“Jacob’s just as bad as the others now?”
“雅各布现在的情况是不是和其他男孩儿一样糟？”
Quil stared at me. “You know about that.?”
奎尔盯着我：”你也知道这件事？”
“And before that — did he avoid everyone? Was he acting upset?”
“在这之前——他是不是避开所有人？是不是心烦意乱？”
“Before,” Quil repeated, and sighed.
“以前。”奎尔叹了口气。
“So Sam did get to him.” The words were a little distorted — my teeth were gritted together.
“看来真是山姆改变了他。”我咬牙切齿，连话都说不清楚。
“I’ve been stumbling around in the forest for an hour, yelling for them. I just barely found the road again when you drove up.”
“我从树林里转悠了一个小时，大声地呼唤他们。你碰到我的时候，我刚从树林里出来。”
“I tried to follow them — he was with Embry.” His voice was low, hard to hear over the engine. I leaned closer. “I know they saw me. But they turned and just disappeared into the trees. I don’t think they were alone — I think Sam and his crew might have been with them.
“我想跟着他们——他和恩布里在一起。”他的声音很小，差不多被引擎的声音盖住。我朝他靠得更近一些，“我知道他们看到我了，但是他们转身钻进树林里。我想一定还有其他人——山姆那帮人一定都在那里。”
He grimaced. “Right. My grandfather’s on the council with Jacob’s dad. Sam Uley is the best thing that ever happened to this place, as far as he’s concerned.”
他沮丧地说：“我的祖父和雅各布的父亲都是议会成员。在我祖父眼里，山姆。乌利是这一带最值得骄傲的人物。”
“I can’t see Jacob or Embry getting into anything like that… but what do I know? What else could it be? And why aren’t the old people worried?” He shook his head, and the fear showed in his eyes now. “Jacob didn’t want to be a part of this… cult. I don’t understand what could change him.” He stared at me, his face frightened. “I don’t want to be next.”
“我想雅各布和恩布里不会碰那玩意儿……可我又能知道什么呢？还有其他的可能性吗？为什么大人们一点都不着急呢？”他摇摇头，眼神中闪现一丝恐惧，“雅各布不想成为这个帮派的一份子，我真搞不懂是什么改变了他。”他盯着我，惊恐万分地说：“我不想成为下一个。”
We stared at each other for a prolonged moment. We were in La Push now, and my truck was barely crawling along the empty road. I could see the village’s only store not too far ahead.
我们对视良久，在空无一人的道路上，我的车几乎是在爬行。我们到了拉普西，镇上唯一的一家商店就在不远处。
His voice was low and rough. “Not for as long as the others. Maybe one day. Then Sam caught up with him.”
他的声音低沉而粗哑：“也许有一天是这个样子，不像其他人一样经历了很长时间，然后山姆找到了他。”
“What do you think it is? Drugs or something?”
“你觉得是怎么一回事呢？是毒品吗？还是其他什么？”
My eyes mirrored his fear. That was the second time I’d heard it described as a cult. I shivered. “Are your parents any help?”
我看出了他的恐慌，这是我第二次听到有人称它为帮派，不禁一阵哆嗦：“你的父母帮得上忙吗？”
“I’ll get out now,” Quil said. “My house is right over there.” He gestured toward the small wooden rectangle behind the store. I pulled over to the shoulder, and he jumped out.
“我就在这里下车，”奎尔说道，“我家就在那边。”他指了指商店后面一座小小的木头房子。我在路边停了下来，他跳下车。
“I’m going to go wait for Jacob,” I told him in a hard voice.
“我去等雅各布。”我坚定地对他说道。
“Good luck.” He slammed the door and shuffled forward along the road, his head bent forward, his shoulders slumped.
“祝你好运。”他关上车门，慢吞吞地朝前面走去。他耸拉着脑袋，肩膀无力地垂下来。
A movement flashed in my peripheral vision — I turned and spotted Billy looking at me through the front window with a confused expression. I waved once and smiled a tight smile, but stayed where I was.
一个黑影突然在眼前晃了晃——我转过头看见比利正站在窗户边满脸疑惑地看着我。我朝他挥挥手，不自然地笑了笑，仍待在车里没有出去。
Quil’s face haunted me as I made a wide U-turn and headed back toward the Blacks’. He was terrified of being next. What was happening here?
我调转车头，朝专属地开去。一路上，奎尔的愁容在我的脑海里挥之不去。他如此惧怕成为下一个目标，这里究竟发生了什么事？
I stopped in front of Jacob’s house, killing the motor and rolling down the windows. It was stuffy today, no breeze. I put my feet up on the dashboard and settled in to wait.
我在雅各布家门口停住车，摇下车窗。天气很闷，一点风也没有。我把脚搁在仪盘表上，开始等待。
His eyes narrowed; he let the curtain fall across the glass.
他皱了皱眉头，关上了窗帘。
I was prepared to stay as long as it took, but I wished I had something to do. I dug up a pen out of the bottom of my backpack, and an old test. I started to doodle on the back of the scrap.
不管多久我都会等下去，但我得做点事情打发时间。我从背包里掏出一支笔和一张废纸，心不在焉地在上面乱画起来。
I’d only had time to scrawl one row of diamonds when there was a sharp tap against my door.
我刚画完一串菱形的图案，突然听见有人叩响车门。
Jacob had changed radically in the last weeks since I’d seen him. The first thing I noticed was his hair — his beautiful hair was all gone, cropped quite short, covering his head with an inky gloss like black satin. The planes of his face seemed to have hardened subtly, tightened… aged. His neck and his shoulders were different, too, thicker somehow. His hands, where they gripped the window frame, looked enormous, with the tendons and veins more prominent under the russet skin. But the physical changes were insignificant.
雅各布在这几个星期里简直像变了一个人。我第一眼注意到的是他的头发——柔顺的头发全部剪掉了，一层短短的平头就像是盖在头上的深色缎子。脸上的线条僵硬、紧绷……看上去老了很多。他的颈和肩也有些不同，似乎比以前壮实了许多。他双手抓着窗框，手掌厚实宽大，筋腱和血管在深褐色的皮肤下清晰可见，但是，外表上的改变还不算明显。
I stared at him in blank astonishment.
我惊愕的盯着他。
“What are you doing here, Bella?” Jacob growled.
“你在这干嘛，贝拉？”传来雅各布粗鲁的声音。
I realized we weren’t alone. Behind him stood four others; all tall and russet-skinned, black hair chopped short just like Jacob’s. They could have been brothers — I couldn’t even pick Embry out of the group. The resemblance was only intensified by the strikingly similar hostility in every pair of eyes.
我意识到他身边还有四个人，他们无一例外的都是高高的个头、深色的皮肤，黑发就像雅各布一样剃得短短的。他们就像是同胞兄弟——我甚至看不出哪一个是恩布里，眼光中的敌意使他们更加相似。
I jumped, looking up, expecting Billy.
我吓了一跳，抬起头来，以为是比利。
It was his expression that made him almost completely unrecognizable. The open, friendly smile was gone like the hair, the warmth in his dark eyes altered to a brooding resentment that was instantly disturbing. There was a darkness in Jacob now. Like my sun had imploded.
让人感到陌生的是他的表情。那张开朗、友善的笑脸消失得无影无踪，以前温和的眼神变成了充满怨恨的仇视，令我无所适从。眼前的雅各布完全是一个阴郁的人，我的世界里的唯一一束阳光如今也被阴霾取代。
“Jacob?” I whispered.
“雅各布？”我低声说道。
He just stared at me, his eyes tense and angry.
他瞪着我，目光中带着一丝紧张和愠怒。
“What do you want?” Jacob demanded, his expression growing more resentful as he watched the play of emotion across my face.
“你想干嘛？”雅各伯问道，当他看着我脸上的假装的表情时，他看起来越来越气愤。
Every pair but one. The oldest by several years, Sam stood in the very back, his face serene and sure. I had to swallow back the bile that rose in my throat. I wanted to take a swing at him. No, I wanted to do more than that. More than anything, I wanted to be fierce and deadly, someone no one would dare mess with. Someone who would scare Sam Uley silly.
只有一个人的眼光与众不同。他们中最年长的山姆站在最后面，他看上去平静而自信。我按耐住内心的愤怒，我真想上前揍他一拳，不，我想变得残暴凶狠，没有人敢与我对抗，这样，我就能镇住山姆·乌利。
I wanted to be a vampire.
我想变成吸血鬼。
The violent desire caught me off guard and knocked the wind out of me. It was the most forbidden of all wishes — even when I only wished it for a malicious reason like this, to gain an advantage over an enemy — because it was the most painful. That future was lost to me forever, had never really been within my grasp. I scrambled to gain control of myself while the hole in my chest ached hollowly.
我简直被怒火烧坏了脑袋。这是一个绝对不能许下的愿望——即使是为了报复，为了打倒敌人——因为实现这个愿望是痛苦的，他意味着我的未来将永远暗无天日，而这是我无法承受的代价。我努力使自己从愤怒的情绪中摆脱出来，胸口的上微微作痛。
“I want to talk to you,” I said in a weak voice. I tried to focus, but I was still reeling against the escape of my taboo dream.
“我想跟你谈谈”我轻声说道。我试图集中注意力，但是脑海里不断闪现噩梦中的情景。
“Go ahead,” he hissed through his teeth. His glare was vicious. I’d never seen him look at anyone like that, least of all me. It hurt with a surprising intensity — a physical pain, a stabbing in my head.
“说吧。”他从牙缝里挤出两个字，目光变得恶毒。我从没见过他用这样的眼神看人，特别是在看我的时候。我感到一阵强烈的疼痛——是身体上的疼，使头脑中的刺痛。
“Alone!” I hissed, and my voice was stronger.
“单独谈！”我坚持道，语气十分强硬。
I took a deep breath. “You know what I want to know.”
我深吸一口气：“你知道我想说什么。”
He looked behind him, and I knew where his eyes would go. Every one of them was turned for Sam’s reaction.
他朝身后看了看，我知道他在看谁，所有人都转过身看着山姆。
He didn’t answer. He just stared at me bitterly.
他什么也没有说，只是痛苦地盯着我。
I stared back and the silence stretched on. The pain in his face unnerved me. I felt a lump beginning to build in my throat.
我也盯着他看，两个人沉默了很久。他脸上难受的表情让我不知如何应对，我心头一阵酸楚，觉得喉咙有点儿哽。
Sam nodded once, his face unperturbed. He made a brief comment in an unfamiliar, liquid language — I could only be positive that it wasn’t French or Spanish, but I guessed that it was Quileute. He turned and walked into Jacob’s house. The others, Paul, Jared, and Embry, I assumed, followed him in.
山姆点了点头，仍然是一幅泰然自若的样子。他用一种我完全陌生的语言简单地说了几句——我只知道他说的既不是法语也不是西班牙语可能是奎鲁特语。他转过身走进雅各布家，另外三个人也跟了进去。我猜他们是保罗、杰瑞德和恩布里。
“Okay.” Jacob seemed a bit less furious when the others were gone. His face was a little calmer, but also more hopeless. His mouth seemed permanently pulled down at the corners.
“说吧。”其他人走开后，雅各布似乎平和了一些。他的面色更加镇定，但却更加无助，他似乎再也不会露出那种嘴角上扬的笑脸。
I got out of the car, feeling unseen eyes behind the windows on me, and started walking toward the trees to the north. My feet squished in the damp grass and mud beside the road, and, as that was the only sound, at first I thought he wasn’t following me. But when I glanced around, he was right beside me, his feet having somehow found a less noisy path than mine.
我从车里出来，感觉房间的窗户后有几双眼睛正注视着我。我朝向北边的树丛走去，在湿草和泥地上踩出咯吱的脚步声。这是路上唯一的声响，我怀疑他没有跟上来。当我向四周望去时，发现他就在我身边，只不过他的脚步很轻，让人察觉不到。
“Can we walk?” I asked while I could still speak.
“我们走走吧。”趁着自己还能说话，我向他建议道。
He didn’t respond in any way; his face didn’t change.
他没有任何反应，表情也没有任何改变。
I felt better in the fringe of trees, where Sam couldn’t possibly be watching. As we walked, I struggled for the right thing to say, but nothing came. I just got more and more angry that Jacob had gotten sucked in… that Billy had allowed this… that Sam was able to stand there so assured and calm…
走在树丛边的感觉很好，因为山姆不可能监视我们。我一边走，一边绞尽脑汁地想着应该说的话，但还是无话可说。我心中的怒火又被点燃了，我气雅各布竟然加入了帮派……我气比利竟然对此不闻不问……我气山姆竟然能够如此心安理得地站在那里……
Jacob suddenly picked up the pace, striding ahead of me easily with his long legs, and then swinging around to face me, planting himself in my path so I would have to stop too.
雅各布突然加快了脚步，他大步走到我的前面，转过身来面对着我，挡住了我的去路。
I was distracted by the overt grace of his movement. Jacob had been nearly as klutzy as me with his never-ending growth spurt. When did that changed?
我惊讶于他行动的迅速敏捷。雅各布身材魁梧，他以往的动作差不多和我一样迟缓，他是什么时候开始改变的呢？
But Jacob didn’t give me time to think about it.
雅各布没给我时间思考这个问题。
I waited. He knew what I wanted.
我等他往下说，他知道我在想什么。
He studied my face for a long moment, speculating. The anger never completely left his eyes. “I can’t tell you,” he finally said.
他盯着我，沉思良久，眼中的愤怒从来没有离开过。“我不能告诉你。”他终于说道。
“He’s helping you,” I repeated dubiously.
“他真的是在帮你吗？”我怀疑地问道。
“But you don’t need friends anymore,” I said sourly. “You have Sam. Isn’t that nice — you’ve always looked up to him so much.”
“你现在根本不需要朋友，”我酸酸地说，“你有山姆就够了——你一直都很崇拜他。”
“Let’s get this over with,” he said in a hard, husky voice.
“我们把话说清楚吧。”他的声音僵硬、沙哑。
But Jacob didn’t seem to be listening. He was taking deep, deliberate breaths, trying to calm himself. He was so mad that his hands were shaking.
但是雅各布根本不理会我，他深呼吸，试图使自己平静下来。他气疯了，双手都在发抖。
My jaw tightened, and I spoke through my teeth. “I thought we were friends.”
我咬紧牙，龇过牙缝说道：“我以为我们是朋友。”
“I didn’t understand him before.”
“我以前不了解他。”
“And now you’ve seen the light. Hallelujah.”
“如今你找到光明了，感谢上帝。”
“So what is it, then?”
“那么，究竟是怎样一回事呢？”
“Naturally.”
“当然。”
“We were.” There was a slight emphasis on the past tense.
“我们曾经是。”他有意强调了过去时。
“It wasn’t like I thought it was. This isn’t Sam’s fault. He’s helping me as much as he can.” His voice turned brittle and he looked over my head, past me, rage burning out from his eyes.
“我以前的想法不对。山姆没有错，他在尽最大的努力帮助我。”他的声音变得尖刻。他不在看着我，而是越过我的头顶怒气冲冲地盯着我的身后。
“It’s not what you think.” His voice was abruptly weary. “It’s not what I thought — I was way off.”
“并不是你想的那样，”他突然失去了耐性，“也不是我曾经想的那样——我以前简直是大错特错。”
“Stop blaming Sam.” The words came out fast, like a reflex. His hands reached up to twist around the hair that was no longer there, and then fell limply at his sides.
“不要责怪山姆。”他条件反射一般脱口而出，他举起手想去抓头发，但长发已经不复存在，他无奈地放下双手。
“What did he do to you?” I demanded, tears collecting in my eyes. I reached out to him, as I had once before, stepping forward with my arms wide.
“他对你做了什么？”我问道，眼里噙着泪水。我像从前一样张开双臂走上前，想要拥抱他。
“The hell I don’t!” I snapped. “I want to know, and I want to know now.”
“谁说我不想知道！”我大声嚷道，“我想知道，我现在就想知道。”
“You’re wrong,” he snapped back.
“你疯了。”他也嚷了起来。
“Is Sam catching?” I mumbled. The stupid tears had escaped the corners of my eyes. I wiped them away with the back of my hand, and folded my arms across my chest.
“担心山姆发现吗？我几乎说不清话，不争气的眼泪夺眶而出。我用手臂擦掉脸上的泪水，交叉双臂搁在胸前。
“Don’t you dare tell me I’m wrong — I’m not the one who got brainwashed! Tell me now whose fault this all is, if it’s not your precious Sam!”
“你竟然说我疯了——我不是那个被洗脑的人！告诉我，如果不怪罪你的宝贝山姆，究竟应该怪谁？”
“Then who should I blame?” I retorted.
“那我应该怪谁呢？”我反驳道。
He halfway smiled; it was a bleak, twisted thing. “You don’t want to hear that.”
他突然笑了笑，这笑容是那么的阴冷、陌生。“你不想知道答案。”
“No one can help me now.” The words were a low moan; his voice broke.
“没人能帮我。”他的声音变得低沉而痛苦。
“Jacob, please,” I whispered “Won’t you tell me what happened? Maybe I can help.”
“雅各布，”我低声说道，“告诉我发生了什么，好吗？也许我能帮帮你。”
This time he cringed away, holding his hands up defensively. “Don’t touch me,” he whispered.
他往后退了几步，抬起双手拦住我。“别理我。”他压低嗓门说道。
My mouth fell open and my breath came out with a whooshing sound. I was frozen in place, stabbed through with his double-edged words. The pain twisted in familiar patterns through my body, the jagged hole ripping me open from the inside out, but it was second place, background music to the chaos of my thoughts. I couldn’t believe that I’d heard him correctly. There was no trace of indecision in his face. Only fury.
我张大嘴巴，呼呼的喘气声听得格外清楚。我愣在那里一动不动，他的话像利刃般插入我的身体。这是我熟悉的疼痛，胸口的裂缝似乎生长开来，将我的整个身体一分为二，但是肉体上的痛楚无法抑制烦乱的心绪。我简直不敢相信自己的耳朵，他的脸上除了愤怒什么表情也没有。
My mouth still hung wide.
我的嘴巴仍然张得大大的。
“I don’t understand who you mean,” I whispered.
“我不明白你在说谁。”我低语道。
“You asked for it,” he growled at me, eyes glinting hard. “If you want to blame someone, why don’t you point your finger at those filthy, reeking bloodsuckers that you love so much?”
“你这是自讨没趣，”他粗鲁地对我喊道，冷酷的眼神充满怨恨，“如果你真想怪罪某个人的话，为什么不去指责那些你深爱的肮脏、腐臭的吸血鬼？”
“The Cullens,” he said slowly, drawing out the word, scrutinizing my face as he spoke it. “I saw that — I can see in your eyes what it does to you when I say their name.”
“卡伦一家。”他慢慢地说道，每一个字都说得清清楚楚，一边说一边观察我的脸色，“我看出来了——我说出他们的名字时你的反应，我从你的眼睛里全部看出来了。”
“I told you that you didn’t want to hear it,” he said.
“我说过你不想知道。”他说。
He raised one eyebrow in disbelief. “I think you understand exactly who I mean. You’re not going to make me say it, are you? I don’t like hurting you.”
他扬起一边的眉毛，根本不相信我的话：“你明明知道我说的是谁。你想让我说出名字，是吗？我可不想伤害你。”
“I don’t understand who you mean,” I repeated mechanically.
“我不明白你在说谁。”我机械地重复了一遍。
“He knows more than I gave him credit for.”
“有些事情他比我更清楚。”
He glared at me, his eyes critical.
他挑衅般盯着我。
It took me too long to come up with the correct response. “Don’t tell me you’re listening to Billy’s superstitious nonsense now,” I said with a feeble attempt at mockery.
我想了很久都不知道应该说些什么。“你竟然相信比利说的那些无聊的迷信话。”我假装嘲笑他。
“Superstitions aside,” I said quickly. “I still don’t see what you’re accusing the… Cullens” — wince — “of. They left more than half a year ago. How can you blame them for what Sam is doing now?”
“不管是不是迷信，”我接着说道，“我不明白你为什么责怪……卡伦”——提到这个名字，我一阵颤抖——“一家，他们半年前就离开了。你怎么能把山姆的责任推卸到他们身上呢？”
“Be serious, Jacob.”
“认真想想，雅各布。”
“What’s set in motion? What’s too late? What are you blaming them for?”
“什么开始了？什么没办法结束？你到底怪他们什么呢？”
I shook my head back and forth in denial, trying to clear it at the same time. How did he know this? And how did it have anything to do with Sam’s cult? Was it a gang of vampire-haters? What was the point of forming such a society when no vampires lived in Forks anymore? Why would Jacob start believing the stories about the Cullens now, when the evidence of them was long gone, never to return?
我拼命地摇头否认，同时也让自己理清思绪。他怎么会知道这些？这跟山姆的帮派有什么关系呢？难道帮派里的成员都是憎恶吸血鬼的人？可是，福克斯已经没有吸血鬼存在了，组织这样一个帮派又有什么意义呢？如今，卡伦一家也消失了，再也不回到这里，为什么雅各布会在这个时候相信他们的存在呢？
“Sam isn’t doing anything, Bella. And I know they’re gone. But sometimes… things are set in motion, and then it’s too late.”
“山姆什么也没做，贝拉。我也知道他们离开了，但是有时……事情一旦开始了，就没办法结束。”
“Quiet now, Bella. Don’t push him,” Edward cautioned in my ear.
“静下心来，贝拉，不要逼他。”爱德华劝告我。
He didn’t flinch as I shouted the words in his face.
即使我冲着他大喊大叫，他也丝毫没有动摇。
“Let’s head back. There’s nothing more to say.”
“我们回去吧，没什么可说了。”
Ever since Edward’s name had broken through the careful walls I’d buried it behind, I’d been unable to lock it up again. It didn’t hurt now — not during the precious seconds when I could hear his voice.
自从爱德华这个名字有一次出现在我的生活中，我就再也无法将他埋葬在心底深处。现在，这个名字不会让我感到伤心——至少在能听到他声音的宝贵时刻，我不会感到伤心。
I was surprised and distracted as the warning words came in Edward’s voice again, when I wasn’t even scared.
这时，一个警告的声音吸引了我的注意力，让我惊诧不已。是爱德华，在我丝毫没有恐惧感的时候，他竟然又出现了。
“Give him a chance to calm down,” Edward’s voice insisted.
“给他点时间让他平静下来。”爱德华的声音坚持道。
Jacob was fuming in front of me, quivering with anger.
雅各布怒火中烧，身子气得不停抖动。
“Fine,” Jacob answered, breathing deeply again. “I won’t argue it with you. It doesn’t matter anyway, the damage is done.”
“好吧，”雅各布回了一句，又深吸一口气，“我不想和你争论，争下去也毫无意义，伤害已经无法弥补了。”
I didn’t understand why the Edward delusion was unexpectedly in my mind. Jacob was livid, but he was Jacob. There was no adrenaline, no danger.
我不清楚爱德华的声音为什么会在这时出现。雅各布确定非常生气，但他只是雅各布而已，他不会带给我任何危险。
I shook my head in confusion. “You’re being ridiculous,” I told them both.
我疑惑不解地摇摇头：“你太荒唐了。”这话是对他们两个人说的。
He was suddenly right in my face, his fury glowing in his eyes. “For existing,” he hissed.
他突然直勾勾地看着我，眼里燃烧着一团怒火。“他们根本就不应该存在。”他咬牙切齿地说道。
“What damage?”
“什么伤害？”
Jacob clutched at a tree for support, his face turning a strange shade of green under the red-brown surface. “He won’t be next,” Jacob muttered to himself. “He can’t be. It’s over now. This shouldn’t still be happening. Why? Why?” His fist slammed against the tree. It wasn’t a big tree, slender and only a few feet taller than Jacob. But it still surprised me when tht trunk gave way and snapped off loudly under his blows.
雅各布抓住身旁的一棵树支撑自己，红棕色的脸庞变得铁青。“他不会成为下一个，”雅各布自言自语道，“他不可能是下一个。一切结束了，这件事不可能仍在继续。为什么？为什么？”他举起拳头捶着树。那棵树并不算高大，只比雅各布高出几英尺，但没想到，在他的重捶之下，树干竟然折断，发出一声巨响，着实让我吃了一惊。
“I have to get back.” He whirled and stalked away so swiftly that I had to jog to keep up.
“我得回去了。”他转过身快速地向回走，我不得不跑着跟上他。
I goaded him further. “He’s frightened that he’s next.”
我又刺激他道。“他担心他会成为下一个目标。”
“You remember your friend, Quil? Yeah, he’s terrified.”
“你还记得你的朋友奎尔吗？告诉你吧，他现在很害怕。”
Jacob whirled to face me. His expression was pained. “Quil” was all he said.
雅各布转过身对着我，露出痛苦不堪的表情。“奎尔？”是他说的唯一一句话。
I gaped. “There’s everything more to say! You haven’t said anything yet!”
我喊道：“还有好多话要说！你根本什么都还没说！”
Jacob stared at the sharp, broken point with shock that quickly turned to horror.
雅各布自己也惊讶地盯着树干断裂的位置，脸上的惊讶很快化为了恐惧。
“I ran into Quil today,” I yelled after him.
“我今天碰见奎尔了。”我在他身边大声叫道。
Jacob stared past me with desperate eyes.
雅各布绝望的眼神又游离到我身后。
He paused midstep, but didn’t turn.
他止住步子，但是没有转过头来。
“He’s worried about you, too. He’s freaked out.”
“他也很担心你，他被你吓坏了。”
He walked past me, striding back toward the house.
他从我身边擦过，迅速地朝屋子走去。
He spun around to face me, and I saw that his hands were shaking again. “Go home, Bella. I can’t hang out with you anymore.”
他转过来面对我，我看到他的双手又在颤抖。“回去吧，贝拉，我再也不能和你在一起了。”
“Back to Sam!”
“回到山姆那儿？”
I chased him back to the truck. “Wait!” I called as he turned toward the house.
我跟着他到了停车的地方。“等等！”他进屋前我叫住了他。
The silly, inconsequential hurt was incredibly potent. The tears welled up again. “Are you… breaking up with me?” The words were all wrong, but they were the best way I could think to phrase what I was asking. After all, what Jake and I had was more than any schoolyard romance. Stronger.
一阵莫名的疼痛有遍及全身，泪水随之涌出眼眶。“你是……要和我分手吗？”“分手”显然不恰当，但事实我能想到的最好的表达方式。毕竟，杰克和我的关系胜于校园的恋人，是一种比恋情更强烈的感情。
“That’s one way of looking at it,” it sounded like he said. He was mumbling and facing away.
“可以这么说吧。”他的脸侧向一旁，声音含混不清。
“Jacob… why? Sam won’t let you have other friends? Please, Jake. You promised. I need you!” The blank emptiness of my life before — before Jacob brought some semblance of reason back into it — reared up and confronted me. Loneliness choked in my throat.
“雅各布……为什么？山姆不让你交其他朋友吗？求求你，杰克。你发过誓，我需要你！”之前空虚而迷茫的生活——在雅各布注入些许理性的生活——又回来了，强烈的孤独感令我窒息。
He barked out a bitter laugh. “Hardly. If that were the case, I’d say ‘Let’s stay friends.’ I can’t even say that.”
他苦笑着说道：“不是，如果我要同你分手，我会说‘让我们继续做朋友’，可是我现在连这句话都说不上来。”
“I’m sorry, Bella,” Jacob said each word distinctly in a cold voice that didn’t seem to belong to him.
“对不起，贝拉。”雅各布故意用那种本不属于他的冰冷语气说道。
“No. Don’t think like that, Bella, please. Don’t blame yourself, don’t think this is your fault. This one is all me. I swear, it’s not about you.”
“不，别这样想，贝拉。不要责怪你自己，不要以为这是你的错。这次全是我的错，我发誓，更你无关。”
His face went from anger to agony in a second. One shaking hand reached out toward me.
他的脸色一瞬间由愤怒转变为痛苦，仍在颤抖的一只手向我伸过来。
But I heard my voice escaping in a whisper.
但是，我听见自己轻柔的声音。
Maybe this wasn’t about Sam at all. Maybe this had nothing to do with the Cullens. Maybe he was just trying to pull himself out of a hopeless situation. Maybe I should let him do that, if that’s what was best for him. I should do that. It would be right.
也许这一切与山姆无关，也许这一切与卡伦一家无关，也许他只是想以此为借口逃避我、逃避我们之间的窘境。也许我应该放手，这是对他来说最好的结果。我应该放手，这才是正确的决定。
I didn’t believe that this was really what Jacob wanted to say. It seemed like there was something else trying to be said through his angry eyes, but I couldn’t understand the message.
我不相信这是雅各布的本意，他愤怒的目光中似乎还有其他的含义，但是我不能理解他想要传达的信息。
“I’m sorry that I couldn’t… before… I wish I could change how I feel about you, Jacob.” I was desperate, reaching, stretching the truth so far that it curved nearly into the shape of a lie. “Maybe… maybe I would change,” I whispered. “Maybe, if you gave me some time… just don’t quit on me now, Jake. I can’t take it.”
“对不起，我不能……以前……也许我现在能改变对你的感受，雅各布。”我绝望极了，这句真心话听上去就像是想方设法捏造出来的谎言，“也许我能改变，”我低声说道，“也许，如果你再给我点时间……请不要放弃我，杰克，我会受不了。”
“I mean it, Bella. I’m not…” he struggled, his voice going even huskier as he fought to control his emotion. His eyes were tortured. “I’m not good enough to be your friend anymore, or anything else. I’m not what I was before. I’m not good.”
“说真的，贝拉。我不再……”他努力控制自己的情绪，声音愈发的嘶哑，眼神痛苦不堪，“我不再配做你的朋友或者其他什么人。我已经不是从前的我，我不是好人。”
Jacob’s face went hard and flat. “No one had to tell me anything. I know what I am.”
雅各布是我脸色恢复了起初的僵硬：“不需要别人这样说，我知道我是怎样一个人。”
“You’re my friend, that’s what you are! Jake — don’t!”
“你是我的朋友，这才是你！杰克——不要走！”
He was backing away from me.
他渐渐离我而去。
“What?” I stared at him, confused and appalled. “What are you saying? You’re much better than I am, Jake. You are good! Who told you that you aren’t? Sam? It’s a vicious lie, Jacob! Don’t let him tell you that!” I was suddenly yelling again.
“什么？”我惊恐地盯着他，“你说什么？你比我强多了，杰克。你很好！谁说你不是好人？山姆说的吗？这是恶毒的谎话，雅各布！别让他就这样说服你！”我突然间又嚷了起来。
I was unable to move from where I stood. I stared at the little house; it looked too small to hold four large boys and two larger men. There was no reaction inside. No flutter at the edge of the curtain, no sound of voices or movement. It faced me vacantly.
我站在原地一动不动，盯着眼前这所小小的房子，这么小的一所房子竟然能容纳四个身材魁梧的男孩儿和两个比他们更加高大的男人。屋子里没什么动静，没有人撩起窗帘，没有说话声，没有脚步声，就好像是一间空房子。
“I’m sorry, Bella,” he said again; this time it was a broken mumble. He turned and almost ran into the house.
“对不起，贝拉。”他又一次道歉，这次，声音变得断续而含糊。他转过身，迅速地跑进屋。
“It’s not you, it’s me,” I whispered. “There’s a new one.”
“不是你，是我，”我说道，“是我的错。”
The rain picked up, and so did the wind. The drops were no longer falling from above; they slanted at an angle from the west. I could smell the brine from the ocean. My hair whipped in my face, sticking to the wet places and tangling in my lashes. I waited.
雨越下越猛，风越刮越凶。雨滴似乎不是从天而降，而是从西面飘过来，风中夹杂着海水的咸味。我的头发拍打着脸庞，湿漉漉地贴在脸上，和睫毛黏在一起，遮挡住我的视野。我等待着。
Finally the door opened, and I took a step forward in relief.
终于，门开了，我欣喜地走上前。
The rain started to drizzle, stinging here and there against my skin. I couldn’t take my eyes off the house. Jacob would come back. He had to.
天空开始下起毛毛细雨，雨滴像针一样叮着我的肌肤，我目不转睛地盯着房子。雅各布会出来的，他必须出来。
Billy rolled his chair into the door frame. I could see no one behind him.
比利滑着轮椅出来了，就他一个人而已。
“Charlie just called, Bella. I told him you were on your way home.” His eyes were full of pity.
“查理打来电话，贝拉，我告诉他你在回家的路上。”他用同情的目光看着我。
The pity made it final somehow. I didn’t comment. I just turned robotically and climbed in my truck. I’d left the windows open and the seats were slick and wet. It didn’t matter. I was already soaked.
他用同情来表示一切就此打住。我什么也没说，机械地转过身，钻进了车里。我之前没有关车窗，座椅已经被雨水浸得透湿。无所谓，反正我已经浑身湿透。
Not as bad! Not as bad! my mind tried to comfort me. It was true. This wasn’t as bad. This wasn’t the end of the world, not again. This was just the end of what little peace there was left behind. That was all.
不算太糟！不算太糟！！我安慰自己。的确，事情还不算太糟，至少不是世界末日，只不过是结束了原本就很短暂的宁静生活，仅此而已。
“Billy called. He said you got in fight with Jake — said you were pretty upset,” he explained as he opened my door for me.
“比利打来电话，他说你和杰克吵架了——说你非常伤心。”他边说边给我打开车门。
Charlie was waiting on the porch. As I rolled to a stop, he walked out to meet me.
查理在门廊上等我，一看见我的车，他就奔上前来。
Then he looked at my face. A kind of horrified recognition registered in his expression. I tried to feel my face from the inside out, to know what he was seeing. My face felt empty and cold, and I realized what it would remind him of.
他瞧了瞧我，脸上立刻路出震惊的表情。我真想看看自己现在的模样，看看到底是什么让他如此诧异。我能感觉到脸上的茫然和冰凉，一定是这种表情让他会想到什么。
I’d thought Jake had been healing the hole in me — or at least plugging it up, keeping it from hurting me so much. I’d been wrong. He’d just been carving out his own hole, so that I was now riddled through like Swiss cheese. I wondered why I didn’t crumble into pieces.
我原以为杰克能治愈我胸口的漏洞——至少能填补这个空缺，不让它继续伤害我，我错了。他在我的胸前又凿开了一个洞，现在的我已经千疮百孔，就像是一片瑞士干酪，总有一天我会粉身碎骨。
Charlie put his arm around me and helped me out of the car. He didn’t comment on my sodden clothes.
查理搂着我的肩膀，将我从车里扶出来，他也没问我怎么会弄得像只落汤鸡。
Not as bad, I agreed, then added, but bad enough.
不算太糟，我承认，但是，也已经够糟了！
“That’s not exactly how it happened,” I muttered.
“事情不是这样的。”我低声说道。
“Then what did happen'” he asked when we were inside. He pulled the afghan off the back of the sofa as he spoke and wrapped it around my shoulders. I realized I was shivering still.
“发生了什么事？”一进屋他就问道。他拉下沙发靠背上的一条毛毯盖在我的肩上，我发现自己还在打着冷战。
“I know there is. Jacob wouldn’t tell me what, though.” I could hear the water from my clothes dripping to the floor and splashing on the linoleum. “I’m going to go change.”
“真的。但是雅各布不肯告诉我是怎么回事。”我听见衣服上的水滴落在地毯上的声音，“我去换件衣服。”
My voice was lifeless. “Sam Uley says Jacob can’t be my friend anymore.”
我有气无力地说道：“山姆·乌利说雅各布不能做朋友。”
Charlie shot me a strange look. “Who told you that?”
查理疑惑地看着我：“谁告诉你的？”
Charlie was lost in thought. “Okay,” he said absently.
查理若有所思。“好吧。”他心不在焉地应了一句。
“Jacob,” I stated, though that wasn’t exactly what he’d said. It was still true.
“雅各布。”虽然他没有亲口对我这么说，但这是明摆着的事实。
I decided to take a shower because I was so cold, but the hot water didn’t seem to affect the temperature of my skin. I was still freezing when I gave up and shut the water off. In the sudden quiet, I could hear Charlie talking to someone downstairs. I wrapped a towel around me, and cracked the bathroom door.
我冷得要命，决定先洗个澡，但是热水似乎也不能让我感到暖和。我仍然浑身冰冷，干脆关掉水不洗了。四周安静下来，我听见查理在楼下说话，我裹着浴巾悄悄地走出浴室。
Charlie’s voice was angry. “I’m not buying that. It doesn’t make any sense.”
我听出查理很生气：“我才不会相信呢，根本就不可能。”
Charlie’s eyebrows pulled together. “You really think there’s something wrong with the Uley kid?”
查理紧皱着眉头：“你真觉得山姆有问题？”
It was quiet then, and I realized he was on the phone. A minute passed.
四周又安静下来，我意识到他是在打电话，一分钟过去了。
“Don’t you put this on Bella!” Charlie suddenly shouted.
“不要把责任推到贝拉身上！”查理突然叫道。
I jumped. When he spoke again, his voice was careful and lower. “Bella’s made it very clear all along that she and Jacob were just friends… Well, if that was it, then why didn’t you say so at first? No, Billy, I think she’s right about this… Because I know my daughter, and if she says Jacob was scared before –” He was cut off mid-sentence, and when he answered he was almost shouting again.
我吓了一跳。再次说话时，他尽量压低嗓门，担心让我听到。“一直以来。贝拉都清楚地表示他和雅各布只是朋友……好吧，如果是这样的话，你为什么不早说？不，比利，我认为她是对的……因为我了解我的女儿，如果他说雅各布之前受到惊吓”他的话被中途打断，过了一会而，他又控制不住嚷了起来。
“You got that right — those boys set one toe out of line and I’m going to know about it. We’ll be keeping an eye on the situation, you can be sure of that.”
“你听清楚——那帮小子做任何事我都会知道。我们会盯着他们，这一点你不用怀疑。”
“What do you mean I don’t know my daughter as well as I think I do!” He listened for a brief second, and his response was almost too low for me to hear. “If you think I’m going to remind her about that, then you had better think again. She’s only just starting to get over it, and mostly because of Jacob, I think. If whatever Jacob has going on with this Sam character sends her back into that depression, then Jacob is going to have to answer to me. You’re my friend, Billy, but this is hurting my family.” There was another break for Billy to respond.
“你说我不了解自己的女儿是什么意思！”他停了下来，听着电话那头的人说话，接着，他用我几乎听不到的声音说道：“你想让他回想起以前的事情，别做梦了。她刚刚熬过了所有的痛苦，我知道雅各布帮了不少忙。如果雅各布和山姆搞出了什么名堂让他又回到从前的样子，我绝对饶不了雅各布。你是我的朋友，比利。但是这件事伤害了我的家人。”他又停下来听比利说话。
“Fine. Yeah. Goodbye.” The phone slammed into the cradle.
“好吧，就这样，再见。”他狠狠地挂上电话。
He was no longer Charlie; he was Chief Swan now.
他不再是查理，而是斯旺警长。
So Billy was going to blame me. I was leading Jacob on and he’d finally had enough.
比利肯定会责怪我，是我误导了雅各布，令他越陷越深，终于忍无可忍。
I put my pajamas on and crawled into bed. Life seemed dark enough at the moment chat I let myself cheat. The hole — holes now — were already aching, so why not? I pulled out the memory — nor a real memory that would hurt too much, but the false memory of Edward’s voice in my mind this afternoon — and played it over and over in my head until I fell asleep with the tears still streaming calmly down my empty face.
我穿上睡衣爬到床上。生活是如此阴沉黑暗，那个洞——如今应该是两个洞——正隐隐作痛，怎么会不疼呢？我回忆着过去发生的点点滴滴——不是那些深深刺痛我的过去，而是不久前出现在我脑海中的爱德华的声音——我的脑子就像录音机一样反复播放着他的声音知道我渐渐入睡，泪水仍止不住地滑落脸颊。
It was strange, for I’d feared that myself, but after the last thing Jacob had said this afternoon, I didn’t believe it anymore. There was much more to this than an unrequited crush, and it surprised me that Billy would stoop to claiming that. It made me think that whatever secret they were keeping was bigger than I’d been imagining. At least Charlie was on my side now.
但我觉得有些奇怪。以前我也这样担心过，但是，即使雅各布说了很多绝情的话，我仍不相信这是真的。这件事远非单恋这么简单，而且比利也没有必要出面说是雅各布一厢情愿。我敢肯定，他们是在保守什么秘密，而且这个秘密远远超出我的想象。不管怎样，查理现在站在我这一边。
I tiptoed quickly across the hall into my room. Charlie was muttering angrily in the kitchen.
我踮起脚尖快速地穿过走廊回到房间，查理在厨房里气呼呼地自言自语。
I wasn’t sure, when I woke in the dark, if I’d just begun crying, or if my tears had run while I slept and simply continued now. I stared at my dark ceiling. I could feel that it was the middle of the night — I was still half-asleep, maybe more than half. I closed my eyes wearily and prayed for a dreamless sleep.
当我在一片漆黑中醒来时，眼角充满泪水。我不清楚自己是梦醒哭泣还是哭到梦醒，我盯着黑糊糊的天花板，此刻已经是深夜时分——我半梦半醒、昏昏欲睡。我疲惫地闭上眼睛，祈求一个无梦的夜晚。
It was a new dream tonight. Rain was falling and Jacob was walking soundlessly beside me, though beneath my feet the ground crunched like dry gravel. But he wasn’t my Jacob; he was the new, bitter, graceful Jacob. The smooth suppleness of his walk reminded me of someone else, and, as I watched, his features started to change. The russet color of his skin leached away, leaving his face pale white like bone. His eyes turned gold, and then crimson, and then back to gold again. His shorn hair twisted in the breeze, turning bronze where the wind touched it. And his face became so beautiful that it shattered my heart. I reached for him, but he took a step away, raising his hands like a shield. And then Edward vanished.
晚上我做了一个不同以往的梦。天下着雨，雅各布在我身边不声不响地走着，而我的脚步声却咯吱咯吱作响。他不是我的那个雅各布，这个雅各布有着陌生的模样，面露愁容。动作格外优雅、敏捷，他轻盈平稳的步态令我联想到另一个人。渐渐的，他的容貌开始改变，深褐色的皮肤褪了色，脸上毫无生气、苍白如骨；眼睛是金色的，一会儿又变成了血红色，一会儿又恢复成金色；头发缠绕在一起，在微风的吹拂下变成了青铜色。他的脸蛋十分俊俏，让我怦然心动。我朝他伸出手，他却向后退了一步，抬起了双手像盾牌一样挡住我。然后，爱德华就消失了。
That’s when I heard the noise that must have wakened me in the first place. Something sharp scraped along the length of my window with a high-pitched squeal, like fingernails against the glass.
就在这时，我听见一阵声响，刚才一定是这个声音打断了我的梦境。我房间的窗户被尖锐的东西刮出了刺耳的响声，就像是手指甲在玻璃上划过的摩擦声。
0 条评论