Once in my room, I locked the door. I dug through my desk until I found my old headphones, and I plugged them into my little CD player. I picked up a CD that Phil had given to me for Christmas. It was one of his favorite bands, but they used a little too much bass and shrieking for my tastes. I popped it into place and lay down on my bed. I put on the headphones, hit Play, and turned up the volume until it hurt my ears. I closed my eyes, but the light still intruded, so I added a pillow over the top half of my face.
一进房间，我就把门锁上了。我在书桌里一阵乱翻，直到找到我的旧耳机为止。我把它们塞进了我的小随身听的插孔里，然后选了一张圣诞节时菲尔送给我的CD。这是他最喜欢的乐队之一，但就我的品味而言，他们歌里的低吼和尖叫用得有点太多了。我啪地一下把它放进随身听，然后躺倒在床上。我戴上耳机，按下播放键，把声音调大到让我的耳朵刺痛为止。我闭上眼睛，但还是觉得太亮了，于是我又加了一个枕头，压在脸上。
I told Charlie I had a lot of homework to do, and that I didn’t want anything to eat. There was a basketball game on that he was excited about, though of course I had no idea what was special about it, so he wasn’t aware of anything unusual in my face or tone.
我告诉查理我有很多作业要做，什么也不想吃。电视上正在直播一场让他情绪激昂的篮球赛——尽管理所当然地，我根本不知道精彩在那里。所以，他完全没有注意到我的表情或是语气有什么不对劲。
I concentrated very carefully on the music, trying to understand the lyrics, to unravel the complicated drum patterns. By the third time I’d listened through the CD, I knew all the words to the choruses, at least. I was surprised to find that I really did like the band after all, once I got past the blaring noise. I’d have to thank Phil again.
我专心致志地听着歌，试图听懂那些歌词，弄懂那些复杂的鼓点和节拍。当我听着这张CD听第三遍的时候，至少，我已经知道合唱部分的所有歌词了。我惊奇地发现，当我忽略那些嘈杂的噪音时，我真的喜欢上这支乐队了。我得再次感谢菲尔。
And it worked. The shattering beats made it impossible for me to think — which was the whole purpose of the exercise. I listened to the CD again and again, until I was singing along with all the songs, until, finally, I fell asleep.
这很有效。毁灭性的节拍让我没办法思考——这正是我要这样练习的所有意图。我一遍又一遍地听着这张CD，直到我能唱出里面所有的歌，直到，最后，我终于沉沉睡去。
I opened my eyes to a familiar place. Aware in some corner of my consciousness that I was dreaming, I recognized the green light of the forest. I could hear the waves crashing against the rocks somewhere nearby. And I knew that if I found the ocean, I’d be able to see the sun. I was trying to follow the sound, but then Jacob Black was there, tugging on my hand, pulling me back toward the blackest part of the forest.
我睁开了眼睛，发现自己在一个熟悉的地方。我的意识里的某些部分告诉我自己正在做梦。我认出了这座森林里的绿光。我能听到，在附近的某个地方，海浪正在撞击着岩礁。我知道，如果我能找到海，我就能看见太阳。我试图循声找去，但这时候，雅克布·布莱克出现了。他拽着我的手，拖着我向森林里最幽暗的地方走去。
“This way, Bella!” I recognized Mike’s voice calling out of the gloomy heart of the trees, but I couldn’t see him.
“这边，贝拉！”我认出了迈克的声音，那是从树林里黑暗的中心传来的。但我看不见他。
“Jacob? What’s wrong?” I asked. His face was frightened as he yanked with all his strength against my resistance; I didn’t want to go into the dark.
“雅克布？怎么了？”我问道。他的脸上写满了恐惧，他拉着我，用尽全身的力气来制止我的反抗。我不想走进黑暗中。
“Run, Bella, you have to run!” he whispered, terrified.
“跑，贝拉，你得跑！”他恐惧地低声说道。
“Why?” I asked, still pulling against Jacob’s grasp, desperate now to find the sun. But Jacob let go of my hand and yelped, suddenly shaking, falling to the dim forest floor. He twitched on the ground as I watched in horror.
“为什么？”我问道，依然反抗着雅克布的紧握，渴望着去寻找太阳。但雅克布放开了我的手，大叫着，忽然倒在了森林中灰扑扑的地面上。他躺在地上，抽搐着，我惊恐地看着他。
And then Edward stepped out from the trees, his skin faintly glowing, his eyes black and dangerous. He held up one hand and beckoned me to come to him. The wolf growled at my feet.
然后，爱德华从树林中走出来。他的肌肤微微发着光，他的双眸漆黑而危险。他举起一只手，示意我到他那里去。狼在我的脚边咆哮着。
I took a step forward, toward Edward. He smiled then, and his teeth were sharp, pointed.
我向着爱德华的方向，向前迈了一步。于是他微笑起来，露出尖锐锋利的牙齿。
“Bella, run!” Mike cried out again from behind me. But I didn’t turn. I was watching a light coming toward me from the beach.
“贝拉，跑！”迈克又一次在我身后大声喊着。但我没有跑。我看见一道光从海滩那边向着我过来了。
“No!” I screamed, wrenching upright out of my bed.
“不！”我尖叫着，猛地从床上弹起来。
“Jacob!” I screamed. But he was gone. In his place was a large red-brown wolf with black eyes. The wolf faced away from me, pointing toward the shore, the hair on the back of his shoulders bristling, low growls issuing from between his exposed fangs.
“雅克布！”我尖叫起来。但他不见了。在他的位置上出现了一只巨大的红棕色的狼，眼睛是黑色的。那只狼转过身去背对着我，冲着海岸的方向。他背上的毛发全都竖了起来，低低的嚎叫声从他露出的尖牙间传出来。
I took another step.
我又踏了一步。
“Trust me,” he purred.
“相信我。”他愉快地低声说道。
The wolf launched himself across the space between me and the vampire, fangs aiming for the jugular.
那匹狼让自己横亘在了我和吸血鬼之间的空地上，尖牙瞄准了他的颈动脉。
My sudden movement caused the headphones to pull the CD player off the bedside table, and it clattered to the wooden floor.
我的忽然移动让耳机把随身听扯下了桌子，咔哒一声落到了木地板上。
My light was still on, and I was sitting fully dressed on the bed, with my shoes on. I glanced, disoriented, at the clock on my dresser. It was five-thirty in the morning.
灯还开着，我和衣坐在床上，连鞋都没脱。我迷惑地张望着，看见了梳妆台上的时钟。现在是早上五点半。
I groaned, fell back, and rolled over onto my face, kicking off my boots. I was too uncomfortable to get anywhere near sleep, though. I rolled back over and unbuttoned my jeans, yanking them off awkwardly as I tried to stay horizontal. I could feel the braid in my hair, an uncomfortable ridge along the back of my skull. I turned onto my side and ripped the rubber band out, quickly combing through the plaits with my fingers. I pulled the pillow back over my eyes.
我呻吟着，倒回床上，翻个身变成趴着的姿势，把靴子给踢掉了。但是，我太难受了，连睡觉的边缘都够不着。我又翻过身来，拉开牛仔裤的拉连，平躺着很不雅观地把裤子脱掉。我能感觉到我的发辫在脑袋后面拱成了一个很不舒服的小包。我转过头，把橡胶圈扯下来，用手指很快地梳了几下头发。我把枕头拉回来，压到我的眼睛上。
It was all no use, of course. My subconscious had dredged up exactly the images I’d been trying so desperately to avoid. I was going to have to face them now.
当然，一切都毫无作用。我的潜意识把我拼命想要忘掉的画面发掘出来。现在，我不得不面对它们了。
I sat up, and my head spun for a minute as the blood flowed downward. First things first, I thought to myself, happy to put it off as long as possible. I grabbed my bathroom bag.
我坐起来，头晕目眩了一会儿，血液才开始向下涌动。重要的事先做，我自忖着，很高兴能把这件事尽可能地往后推。我抓起了我的洗漱包。
The shower didn’t last nearly as long as I hoped it would, though. Even taking the time to blow-dry my hair, I was soon out of things to do in the bathroom. Wrapped in a towel, I crossed back to my room. I couldn’t tell if Charlie was still asleep, or if he had already left. I went to look out my window, and the cruiser was gone. Fishing again.
但是，沐浴并没有像我所希望的那样耗时间。尽管花了不少时间吹干头发，我还是很快把在浴室里能做的事都做完了。我裹上一块浴巾，走回我的房间。我说不准查理是还在睡呢，还是已经出去了。我走到窗前看出去，发现巡逻车已经开走了。又开始钓鱼了。
I ate slowly, chewing each bite with care. When I was done, I washed the bowl and spoon, dried them, and put them away. My feet dragged as I climbed the stairs. I went to my CD player first, picking it up off the floor and placing it precisely in the center of the table. I pulled out the headphones, and put them away in the desk drawer. Then I turned the same CD on, turning it down to the point where it was background noise.
我吃得很慢，每一口都细细咀嚼。吃完以后，我把碗和勺子洗好，擦干，然后放回去。上楼时我故意磨磨蹭蹭地拖着步子走路。我先走向我的随身听，把它从地上捡起来，精确地放到桌子正中央。我把耳机拔下来，放回抽屉里。然后我把原来那张CD公放，把声音调低到刚刚好能成为背景音乐的那个点上。
I dressed slowly in my most comfy sweats and then made my bed — something I never did. I couldn’t put it off any longer. I went to my desk and switched on my old computer.
我慢慢地穿上自己最舒适的汗衫，把床铺好——我很少这样做的。我再也不能把这事往后推了。我走到书桌前，打开了我的旧电脑。
With another sigh, I turned to my computer. Naturally, the screen was covered in pop-up ads. I sat in my hard folding chair and began closing all the little windows. Eventually I made it to my favorite search engine. I shot down a few more pop-ups and then typed in one word.
我又叹了口气，这才转向我的电脑。自然，屏幕上全是弹窗广告。我坐到我那张硬邦邦的扶手椅上，开始把所有的小窗口关掉。最后，我打开了我最喜欢的搜索引擎。我又关掉了另外几个弹窗广告，然后键入了一个词。
I hated using the Internet here. My modem was sadly outdated, my free service substandard; just dialing up took so long that I decided to go get myself a bowl of cereal while I waited.
我讨厌在这里上网。我的调制解调器相当过时了，我的免费上网服务完全在标准之下。光是拨号就得花上很长一段时间，所以在等待的时候，我决定先去给自己弄一碗麦片粥。
Vampire.
吸血鬼。
It took an infuriatingly long time, of course. When the results came up, there was a lot to sift through — everything from movies and TV shows to role-playing games, underground metal, and gothic cosmetic companies.
当然，这花了简直让人气愤的相当长的时间。当结果出来的时候，还有很多内容需要进行筛选——那些内容从电影电视节目到角色扮演游戏，黑市金属，以及哥特妆伴游。
Then I found a promising site — Vampires A-Z. I waited impatiently for it to load, quickly clicking closed each ad that flashed across the screen. Finally the screen was finished — simple white background with black text, academic-looking. Two quotes greeted me on the home page:
然后，我发现了一个看上去比较可信的网址——吸血鬼A-Z。我迫不及待地等着它打开页面，飞快地关闭屏幕上一闪而过的每个广告。最后，整个屏幕都清空了——简洁的白色背景和黑色标题，看上去很有学术氛围。主页上的两段引述首先映入了我的眼帘。
Throughout the vast shadowy world of ghosts and demons there is no figure so terrible, no figure so dreaded and abhorred, yet dight with such fearful fascination, as the vampire, who is himself neither ghost nor demon, but yet who partakes the dark natures and possesses the mysterious and terrible qualities of both. — Rev. Montague Summers
“自始至终，那个属于幽灵与恶魔的浩瀚的黑暗世界根本没有那么可怕，根本没有那么令人畏惧和憎恶，只是经过了太多充满恐惧的幻想的修饰。正如吸血鬼，他既不属于幽灵，也不属于恶魔，但还是带着几份着黑暗的本质，兼有着那两者的神秘与恐怖的特质。——蒙塔古·萨默斯”
If there is in this world a well-attested account, it is that of the vampires. Nothing is lacking: official reports, affidavits of well-known people, of surgeons, of priests, of magistrates; the judicial proof is most complete. And with all that, who is there who believes in vampires? — Rousseau
“如果这个世界上有一份屡经证实的报告，那一定是关于吸血鬼的。没有任何东西能被遗漏掉：官方报道，知情者的口供，外科医生的证明，牧师的证词，法官的证言。所有司法上的证据都完备了。但是，即使知道这一切，有人会相信吸血鬼的存在吗？——卢梭”
The rest of the site was an alphabetized listing of all the different myths of vampires held throughout the world. The first I clicked on, the Danag, was a Filipino vampire supposedly responsible for planting taro on the islands long ago. The myth continued that the Danag worked with humans for many years, but the partnership ended one day when a woman cut her finger and a Danag sucked her wound, enjoying the taste so much that it drained her body completely of blood.
余下部分是一张依字母表排列的清单，囊括了全世界所有关于吸血鬼的各种各样的传说。我首先点开了“丹拿”，这是一种菲律宾的吸血鬼，很多年以前是负责在岛上种植芋头的。这个传说里讲到，丹拿为人类工作了很多年，直到有一天，这样的合作关系却破裂了。一个女人不小心切到了手指，而一个丹拿为她吮吸伤口，因为觉得滋味太好了，最后它把她体内所有的血都喝干了。
I read carefully through the descriptions, looking for anything that sounded familiar, let alone plausible. It seemed that most vampire myths centered around beautiful women as demons and children as victims; they also seemed like constructs created to explain away the high mortality rates for young children, and to give men an excuse for infidelity. Many of the stories involved bodiless spirits and warnings against improper burials. There wasn’t much that sounded like the movies I’d seen, and only a very few, like the Hebrew Estrie and the Polish Upier, who were even preoccupied with drinking blood.
我仔细地阅读这些描述，寻找任何听着觉得熟悉的内容，把那些说得天花乱坠的部分丢到一边。似乎大多数的吸血鬼传说都围绕着漂亮女人和小孩子展开，前者通常是恶魔，后者通常是受害者。它们似乎都是被捏造出来用来解释年幼的孩子居高不下的夭折率，或是给男人一个放纵的借口。许多故事包括了无形体的灵魂以及对不合乎礼法的葬礼的警告。没有多少听起来像是我看过的电影的内容，只有一小部分，像是希伯来的艾斯提瑞和波兰的乌皮尔，是一心吸血的吸血鬼。
Overall, though, there was little that coincided with Jacob’s stories or my own observations. I’d made a little catalogue in my mind as I’d read and carefully compared it with each myth. Speed, strength, beauty, pale skin, eyes that shift color; and then Jacob’s criteria: blood drinkers, enemies of the werewolf, cold-skinned, and immortal. There were very few myths that matched even one factor.
但是，总的说来，这里没有太多内容和雅克布的故事或者我的观察结果有关。我一边看，一边在心里列了一份小小的列表，用来跟每条传说逐一对比。速度，强壮，美丽，苍白的肌肤，会变色的眼睛，还有雅克布的标准：饮血者，狼人的天敌，冰冷的肌肤，以及永恒的生命。没有多少传说能符合至少一个的因素。
Only three entries really caught my attention: the Romanian Varacolaci, a powerful undead being who could appear as a beautiful, pale-skinned human, the Slovak Nelapsi, a creature so strong and fast it could massacre an entire village in the single hour after midnight, and one other, the Stregoni benefici. About this last there was only one brief sentence.
只有三个条目真正地吸引了我的注意力：罗马尼亚的维拉可拉斯，一个强大的不死生物，通常以俊美的、肌肤苍白的人类形态出现；斯洛伐克的耐拉斯，一种极其强壮，速度奇快的生物，午夜之后它能在一个小时之内屠杀掉整个村子的人；还有一个，斯特岗尼亚，有益的吸血鬼，关于最后这个吸血鬼的描述只有一个简短的句子。
It was a relief, that one small entry, the one myth among hundreds that claimed the existence of good vampires.
这个短短的传说实在是一种宽慰，在上百条传说之中，这是仅有的宣称存在着有好的吸血鬼的一条。
Stregoni benefici: An Italian vampire, said to be on the side of goodness, and a mortal enemy of all evil vampires.
斯特岗尼亚，有益的吸血鬼：一种意大利吸血鬼，据说是美德的保护者，是所有邪恶吸血鬼最致命的敌人。
And then another problem, one that I’d remembered from the small number of scary movies that I’d seen and was backed up by today’s reading — vampires couldn’t come out in the daytime, the sun would burn them to a cinder. They slept in coffins all day and came out only at night.
还有另一个问题。我记得在我看过的寥寥无几的恐怖电影里提到过，再加上我今天所看的内容——吸血鬼不能在白天出没，阳光会把他们烧成灰烬的。白天他们都睡在棺材里面，只在夜里出来活动。
It was overcast, but not raining yet. I ignored my truck and started east on foot, angling across Charlie’s yard toward the ever-encroaching forest. It didn’t take long till I was deep enough for the house and the road to be invisible, for the only sound to be the squish of the damp earth under my feet and the sudden cries of the jays.
天阴沉沉的，但没在下雨。我不去理会自己的卡车，徒步向东面走去，斜穿过查理的院子走向我此前从未涉足过的森林。没花多长时间我就走进了丛林深处，走到无论是从房子里还是从马路上都已经看不到的地方。唯一的声音是来自我脚下的湿土的吱嘎声，还有突如其来的松鸦的叫声。
I had to get out of the house, but there was nowhere I wanted to go that didn’t involve a three-day drive. I pulled on my boots anyway, unclear where I was headed, and went downstairs. I shrugged into my raincoat without checking the weather and stomped out the door.
我迫切地想要离开这所房子，但任何我想去的地方都得开上三天的车才能到。无论如何，我还是穿上靴子，漫无目的地走下楼。我甚至没有看看天气，就直接套上了我的雨衣，重重地踏着步子走出门外。
Aggravated, I snapped off the computer’s main power switch, not waiting to shut things down properly. Through my irritation, I felt overwhelming embarrassment. It was all so stupid. I was sitting in my room, researching vampires. What was wrong with me? I decided that most of the blame belonged on the doorstep of the town of Forks — and the entire sodden Olympic Peninsula, for that matter.
一气之下，我啪地一下关掉了电脑的电源，不想再干等着按部就班地关闭电脑。在怒火之外，我更感到了压倒性的窘迫。这一切都太愚蠢了。我居然坐在自己的房间里，搜索着吸血鬼。我到底是怎么了？我决定把大部分的指责归咎于福克斯镇的门槛——还有整个湿漉漉的奥林匹克半岛。
There was a thin ribbon of a trail that led through the forest here, or I wouldn’t risk wandering on my own like this. My sense of direction was hopeless; I could get lost in much less helpful surroundings. The trail wound deeper and deeper into the forest, mostly east as far as I could tell. It snaked around the Sitka spruces and the hemlocks, the yews and the maples. I only vaguely knew the names of the trees around me, and all I knew was due to Charlie pointing them out to me from the cruiser window in earlier days. There were many I didn’t know, and others I couldn’t be sure about because they were so covered in green parasites.
一条窄窄的羊肠小道穿过密林延伸到这里，否则我不会冒着让自己迷路的风险走到这里来。我的方向感向来让人绝望：要是周遭有助于认路的信息再少一点，我就必定要迷路了。这条小径蜿蜒着伸向密林里更深处，就我所知，总体上是一路向东延伸。它曲折着绕过一棵棵西德加云杉和铁杉，一棵棵紫杉和枫木。我只是隐约知道自己周围的树的名字，而我知道的这一切都得归功于查理。更早些的时候，他曾在巡逻车里为我指出窗外这些树的名字。这里有许多我不认识的树，还有有一些树我没法确认，因为它们都覆盖在了密密麻麻的绿色藤蔓植物下。
I followed the trail as long as my anger at myself pushed me forward. As that started to ebb, I slowed. A few drops of moisture trickled down from the canopy above me, but I couldn’t be certain if it was beginning to rain or if it was simply pools left over from yesterday, held high in the leaves above me, slowly dripping their way back to the earth. A recently fallen tree — I knew it was recent because it wasn’t entirely carpeted in moss — rested against the trunk of one of her sisters, creating a sheltered little bench just a few safe feet off the trail. I stepped over the ferns and sat carefully, making sure my jacket was between the damp seat and my clothes wherever they touched, and leaned my hooded head back against the living tree.
我的怒气推着我往前走，于是我一直沿着小路走去。直到愤怒开始褪去，我才放慢了脚步。点点水滴从我头顶上的天穹潺潺而下，但我不能肯定是开始下雨了，还是纯粹是昨天雨后留在我头上高处的树叶丛中的积水，正在慢慢地滴落下来，完成它们归于尘土的旅程。一棵新倒伏下来的大树——我认为它很新是因为它还没有完全被苔藓覆盖住——斜倚在她的姐妹们的树干上，形成了一个掩蔽的小长椅，离小径只有安全的几英尺高。我踩过一片蕨类植物，小心地坐下来，确保我的夹克隔在了那个潮湿的座椅和相应的衣服之间。然后，我把戴着兜帽的头靠在那棵活着的树上。
This was the wrong place to have come. I should have known, but where else was there to go? The forest was deep green and far too much like the scene in last night’s dream to allow for peace of mind. Now that there was no longer the sound of my soggy footsteps, the silence was piercing. The birds were quiet, too, the drops increasing in frequency, so it must be raining above. The ferns stood higher than my head, now that I was seated, and I knew someone could walk by on the path, three feet away, and not see me.
我来错地方了，我应该早就知道的，但我还能去哪里呢？这个森林如此苍翠，太像昨晚的梦境了，我没法让自己的心绪保持宁静。既然这里已经不会再有我沉闷的脚步声了，这片沉寂就更加显得讽刺。鸟儿也安静下来了。滴水逐渐变得频繁起来，所以森林上空一定在下雨。那片蕨类植物高得比我还高，因为我是坐着的，所以我知道即使有人从三英尺外的小径上经过，也不会看见我的。
Here in the trees it was much easier to believe the absurdities that embarrassed me indoors. Nothing had changed in this forest for thousands of years, and all the myths and legends of a hundred different lands seemed much more likely in this green haze than they had in my clear-cut bedroom.
这片树林更让我相信谬论更让我为难。在这片森林几千年来都没有什么变化，上百个不同地方的神话和传说在这绿色的薄雾中比在我那透明的卧室里更可能出现。
I forced myself to focus on the two most vital questions I had to answer, but I did so unwillingly.
我强迫自己把注意力集中在两个最重要的，我必须解决的问题上，但我实在很不情愿这样做。
Immediately my mind responded with a resounding negative. It was silly and morbid to entertain such ridiculous notions. But what, then? I asked myself. There was no rational explanation for how I was alive at this moment. I listed again in my head the things I’d observed myself: the impossible speed and strength, the eye color shifting from black to gold and back again, the inhuman beauty, the pale, frigid skin. And more — small things that registered slowly — how they never seemed to eat, the disturbing grace with which they moved. And the way be sometimes spoke, with unfamiliar cadences and phrases that better fit the style of a turn-of-the-century novel than that of a twenty-first-century classroom. He had skipped class the day we’d done blood typing. He hadn’t said no to the beach trip till he heard where we were going. He seemed to know what everyone around him was thinking… except me. He had told me he was the villain, dangerous…
我的心立刻作出了强烈的否定回答。用这么荒谬的想法来取乐既愚蠢又神经。但是，那又怎样呢？没有一个合理的解释能说明为什么此时此刻我还活着。我又一次在脑海中列出我自己观察到的东西：不可思议的速度和强壮，从黑色变成金色然后又变回来的眸色，超越常人的美丽，苍白冰冷的肌肤。还有更多——一件件小事慢慢地显露出来——譬如他们似乎从不吃东西，他们的举止优雅地惊人。还有有时候他们说话的方式，那种陌生的抑扬顿挫和遣词用句更适合于一本另一个世纪的小说的风格，而非二十一世纪的教室。我们检测血型那天他翘课了。他一直没说不去海滩之旅，直到他听到我们要去的地方。他似乎知道他周围的每个人都在想些什么…除了我。他告诉过我他是坏人，非常危险…
First, I had to decide if it was possible that what Jacob had said about the Cullens could be true.
首先，我必须作出判断，有没有这种可能，即雅克布所说的关于卡伦一家的事是真的。
Could the Cullens be vampires?
卡伦一家有可能是吸血鬼吗？
Well, they were something. Something outside the possibility of rational justification was taking place in front of my incredulous eyes. Whether it be Jacob’s cold ones or my own superhero theory, Edward Cullen was not… human. He was something more.
嗯，他们确实是某种东西。某种在合理判断的可能性之外的事情正在我明察秋毫的眼睛前发生着。不管是雅克布所说的冷族还是我自己的超级英雄论，爱德华·卡伦都不会是…人类。他是某种超越人类的存在。
And then the most important question of all. What was I going to do if it was true?
另一个问题尤为重要。如果这是真的，我要怎么做？
If Edward was a vampire — I could hardly make myself think the words — then what should I do? Involving someone else was definitely out. I couldn’t even believe myself; anyone I told would have me committed.
如果爱德华真的是一个吸血鬼——我很难让自己去想这个词——我该怎么办？让别人牵连进来显然是不行的。我甚至不敢相信自己。不管我告诉谁，我都得承担相应的责任。
Only two options seemed practical. The first was to take his advice: to be smart, to avoid him as much as possible. To cancel our plans, to go back to ignoring him as far as I was able. To pretend there was an impenetrably thick glass wall between us in the one class where we were forced together. To tell him to leave me alone — and mean it this time.
只有两个选项似乎比较有可行性。第一个是听取他的建议：聪明点，离他远远的。取消我们的计划，回到尽可能无视他的状态。当我们被迫坐在一起上课的时候，假装我们之间有一堵无法穿透的，厚厚的玻璃墙。告诉他离自己远点——而且这一次要表现出来。
So then — maybe. That would have to be my answer for now.
那么——或许吧。这就是我现在能得出的结论。
I was gripped in a sudden agony of despair as I considered that alternative. My mind rejected the pain, quickly skipping on to the next option.
当我思考着这个选择的时候，我忽然陷入了一种绝望的痛苦之中。我的心抗拒着这种痛苦，迅速跳到下一个选项。
There was one thing I was sure of, if I was sure of anything. The dark Edward in my dream last night was a reflection only of my fear of the word Jacob had spoken, and not Edward himself. Even so, when I’d screamed out in terror at the werewolf’s lunge, it wasn’t fear for the wolf that brought the cry of “no’ to my lips. It was fear that he would be harmed — even as he called to me with sharp-edged fangs, I feared for him.
如果我能肯定什么事的话，有一件事情我很肯定。昨晚我梦里的那个黑暗的爱德华只是我对雅克布所说的话而产生的恐惧的表现，并非爱德华本人。虽然如此，当我因为狼人的进攻而惊恐地尖叫出声的时候，我也不是因为害怕狼而从嘴里喊出了“不”。我只是害怕着他可能会受伤——即使他露出锋利的尖牙呼唤着我，我也在为他担心着。
I could do nothing different. After all, if he was something… sinister, he’d done nothing to hurt me so far. In fact, I would be a dent in Tyler’s fender if he hadn’t acted so quickly. So quickly, I argued with myself, that it might have been sheer reflexes. But if it was a reflex to save lives, how bad could he be? I retorted. My head spun around in answerless circles.
我什么也不用做。毕竟，就算他是某种…危险的存在，至今他也没做什么伤害我的事。事实上，如果他的动作不是那么快的话，我本来会成为泰勒的挡泥板下的一道凹痕的。这么快，我和自己争论着，这绝对反映了一些问题。但如果这种反映是用来拯救生命的，他能有多坏？我反驳着。我的脑子徒劳无功地转着。
And I knew in that I had my answer. I didn’t know if there ever was a choice, really. I was already in too deep. Now that I knew — if I knew — I could do nothing about my frightening secret. Because when I thought of him, of his voice, his hypnotic eyes, the magnetic force of his personality, I wanted nothing more than to be with him right now. Even if… but I couldn’t think it. Not here, alone in the darkening forest. Not while the rain made it dim as twilight under the canopy and pattered like footsteps across the matted earthen floor. I shivered and rose quickly from my place of concealment, worried that somehow the path would have disappeared with the rain.
然后我知道，我已经得出答案了。我甚至不知道这里面是否真的有过一个抉择。我已经陷得太深了。我知道——如果我真的知道的话——对于我这个吓人的秘密，我什么也不会做的。因为每当我想起他，想起他的声音，他能够催眠的眼睛，他极具吸引力的个人魅力的时候，我只想立刻和他在一起，除此之外便别无所求了。即使…但我不能再想下去了。不能在这里，独自一人待在越来越黑的森林里想。不能在这个时候，不能在雨水让天边的暮色变得黯淡，滴滴答答的声音就像走过铺着瓷砖的地板的脚步声的时候想。我颤抖着，赶快从我的隐蔽之所站起来，担心着那条小路也许会消失在雨中。
But it was there, safe and clear, winding its way out of the dripping green maze. I followed it hastily, my hood pulled close around my face, becoming surprised, as I nearly ran through the trees, at how far I had come. I started to wonder if I was heading out at all, or following the path farther into the confines of the forest. Before I could get too panicky, though, I began to glimpse some open spaces through the webbed branches. And then I could hear a car passing on the street, and I was free, Charlie’s lawn stretched out in front of me, the house beckoning me, promising warmth and dry socks.
但它仍在那里，安全又清晰，蜿蜒着穿过那片湿漉漉的绿色迷宫。我慌忙沿着小路走回去，我的兜帽拉得很低，垂在我的脸旁。我开始惊慌起来，几乎是跑着穿过树林，因为我觉得已经走了像来时那么远的距离了。我开始怀疑自己是不是已经冲过头了，又或者是沿着小路走到了森林里更远的地方。但在我变得更加惊慌失措以前，透过密密麻麻像蜘蛛网一样的树枝，我隐约能瞥见一些开阔地了。然后我听到了一辆车穿过街道的声音，我自由了。查理的草坪出现在我的面前，那所房子在召唤着我，许诺着温暖以及干燥的袜子。
It was just noon when I got back inside. I went upstairs and got dressed for the day, jeans and a t-shirt, since I was staying indoors. It didn’t take too much effort to concentrate on my task for the day, a paper on Macbeth that was due Wednesday. I settled into outlining a rough draft contentedly, more serene than I’d felt since… well, since Thursday afternoon, if I was being honest.
我走回屋里的时候刚好是正午。我走上楼，换上这一天的装束——牛仔裤和T恤衫——因为我会一直待在家里。全力以赴解决今天的任务不会花上太多的工夫，只是一份周三截止的关于麦克白的论文而已。我心满意足地投入工作，罗列出了一份粗略的草稿。这份宁静的心境是我许久没有感受过的，自从…好吧，自从周四下午以后，如果我足够诚实的话。
That had always been my way, though. Making decisions was the painful part for me, the part I agonized over. But once the decision was made, I simply followed through — usually with relief that the choice was made. Sometimes the relief was tainted by despair, like my decision to come to Forks. But it was still better than wrestling with the alternatives.
不过，这通常是我的风格。做决定对我来说是一个痛苦的过程，一个让我饱受煎熬的过程。不过一旦我作出了决定，我就只会坚持到底——通常还会因为已经做出了选择而倍感宽慰。有时这种宽慰会被失望所破坏，正如我来福克斯的决定。但这仍比为作出选择而苦苦斟酌要好得多。
This decision was ridiculously easy to live with. Dangerously easy.
现在带着这个决定住下来要容易多了，荒谬可笑的容易。危机重重的容易。
And so the day was quiet, productive — I finished my paper before eight. Charlie came home with a large catch, and I made a mental note to pick up a book of recipes for fish while I was in Seattle next week. The chills that flashed up my spine whenever I thought of that trip were no different than the ones I’d felt before I’d taken my walk with Jacob Black. They should be different, I thought. I should be afraid — I knew I should be, but I couldn’t feel the right kind of fear.
这一天就这样平静地过去了，而且效率很高——我在八点前就把论文写完了。查理到家的时候简直就是大丰收。我做了一个备忘录，提醒自己下周到西雅图去的时候记得买一本烹鱼食谱。无论何时我一想到这趟旅程，一阵寒意就会飞快地掠过我的脊柱。但这和我跟雅克布·布莱克散步以前所感到过的寒意没什么不同。我想，它们本来应该有所不同的。我本来应该觉得害怕——我知道我应该这样做的，但我确实感觉不到这种正确的恐惧感。
I slept dreamlessly that night, exhausted from beginning my day so early, and sleeping so poorly the night before. I woke, for the second time since arriving in Forks, to the bright yellow light of a sunny day. I skipped to the window, stunned to see that there was hardly a cloud in the sky, and those there were just fleecy little white puffs that couldn’t possibly be carrying any rain. I opened the window — surprised when it opened silently, without sticking, not having opened it in who knows how many years — and sucked in the relatively dry air. It was nearly warm and hardly windy at all. My blood was electric in my veins.
那天夜里我一夜无梦，睡得很好。因为那一天我起得太早，前一天晚上又睡得太少，耗尽了我的精力。这是我到福克斯以后的第二次，在一个晴朗的早上，在明黄色的光线中醒来。我跳到窗前，惊奇地发现天空里甚至没有半点云影，只有几片小小的羊毛般纯白蓬松的云彩，它们根本不可能带来任何雨水。我推开窗子，惊讶地发现当它打开的时候相当安静，完全没有卡住，一点儿也不像谁知道多少年没开过的样子。我深吸了一口相对比较干爽的空气。外面很暖和，一丝风也没有。我的血液在血管里沸腾着。
“Yes,” I agreed with a grin.
“是的。”我露齿一笑，赞同道。
“Nice day out,” he commented.
“适合外出的好天气。”他评价道。
I ate breakfast cheerily, watching the dust moats stirring in the sunlight that streamed in the back window. Charlie called out a goodbye, and I heard the cruiser pull away from the house. I hesitated on my way out the door, hand on my rain jacket. It would be tempting fate to leave it home. With a sigh, I folded it over my arm and stepped out into the brightest light I’d seen in months.
我兴高采烈地吃着早餐，看着点点纤尘在从后窗射入的阳光里轻舞飞扬。查理喊了一声再见，然后我听到了巡逻车开走的声音。出门的时候我拿着我的防水夹克，犹豫了一下。把它留在家里是个诱人却关乎命运的举措。我叹了口气，把它搭在手臂上，走进了数月以来我见过的最明媚的阳光里。
He smiled back, his brown eyes crinkling around the edges. When Charlie smiled, it was easier to see why he and my mother had jumped too quickly into an early marriage. Most of the young romantic he’d been in those days had faded before I’d known him, as the curly brown hair — the same color, if not the same texture, as mine — had dwindled, slowly revealing more and more of the shiny skin of his forehead. But when he smiled I could see a little of the man who had run away with Renee when she was just two years older than I was now.
他冲我一笑，棕色的眼睛弯成了两道弧线。当查理微笑的时候，很容易就能看出来为什么当初他和我妈会闪电般地早婚。那段日子里他曾有过的年轻人的浪漫，大部分在我记事以前就消失殆尽了。正如他卷曲的棕发——和我一样的颜色，即使质地有所不同——已经开始减少了，渐渐显露出越来越多的前额上发亮的肌肤。但当他微笑的时候，我依然可以看到那个和蕾妮一起私奔的男人的影子，那时候她只比我现在大两岁。
Charlie was finishing breakfast when I came downstairs, and he picked up on my mood immediately.
当我下楼的时候，查理已经吃完早餐了，他立刻领会到了我的心情。
“Bella!” I heard someone call, and it sounded like Mike.
“贝拉！”我听到某人在喊我，听起来像是迈克。
By dint of much elbow grease, I was able to get both windows in the truck almost completely rolled down. I was one of the first ones to school; I hadn’t even checked the clock in my hurry to get outside. I parked and headed toward the seldom-used picnic benches on the south side of the cafeteria. The benches were still a little damp, so I sat on my jacket, glad to have a use for it. My homework was done — the product of a slow social life — but there were a few Trig problems I wasn’t sure I had right. I took out my book industriously, but halfway through rechecking the first problem I was daydreaming, watching the sunlight play on the red-barked trees. I sketched inattentively along the margins of my homework. After a few minutes, I suddenly realized I’d drawn five pairs of dark eyes staring out of the page at me. I scrubbed them out with the eraser.
靠着肘部脂肪的力量，我终于能够把卡车里的每扇窗子都差不多完全摇了下来。我是第一个到学校的。我甚至没有看一眼时钟，就急急忙忙地出门了。我把车停好，径直走向自助餐厅南面的那些很少用到的野餐长凳。那些长凳还有点潮，所以我坐在了我的夹克上，为有机会用到它而高兴着。我的作业已经做完了——慢节奏社交生活的产物——但还有几道三角函数题我不能肯定自己做对了。我勤奋地拿出了书，但在检查第一道题的时候就中途停了下来，开始神游太虚，注视着在红色树皮的树顶上跃动着的阳光。我一时大意，在我的家庭作业的空白处画起速写来。几分钟以后，我才忽然注意到，自己画了五双黑色的眼睛，都在纸上盯着我看。我用橡皮擦把它们完全擦掉了。
I looked around to realize that the school had become populated while I’d been sitting there, absentminded. Everyone was in t-shirts, some even in shorts though the temperature couldn’t be over sixty. Mike was coming toward me in khaki shorts and a striped Rugby shirt, waving.
我抬起头看四周，这才发觉在我心不在焉地坐在这里的时候，学校里已经挤满了人。每个人都穿着T恤衫，有些人甚至还穿着短袖衫，尽管气温最多不超过六十华氏度。迈克向我走过来，一路挥着手，他穿着卡其色的短袖衫，套在一件条纹橄榄球衫外。
“What did you do yesterday?” His tone was just a bit too proprietary.
“你昨天都在做什么？”他的语气有点儿像是在过问自己的所有物的情况
“Whether Shakespeare’s treatment of the female characters is misogynistic.”
“莎士比亚对待女性角色的态度是否是厌恶女性的表现。”
“I never noticed before — your hair has red in it,” he commented, catching between his fingers a strand that was fluttering in the light breeze.
“我之前从没注意到过——你的头发带着些红影。”他评价道，手指间抓着的一股细线在微风中轻轻摆动着。
“Wednesday?” He frowned. “That’s not good… What are you writing yours on?”
“周三？”他皱起眉。“大事不妙…你的题目是什么？”
He came to sit by me, the tidy spikes of his hair shining golden in the light, his grin stretching across his face. He was so delighted to see me, I couldn’t help but feel gratified.
他走过来坐到我身旁，梳得整整齐齐的头发在阳光里闪闪发亮。他张大嘴笑着。只是见到我就能让他这样高兴，我无法不感到满足。
“Um, Wednesday, I think.”
“呃，我想，应该是周三。”
“Great day, isn’t it?”
“好天气，不是吗？”
“Hey, Mike,” I called, waving back, unable to be halfhearted on a morning like this.
“嗨，迈克。”我喊着，向他挥手。我不能在这样一个早晨表现得毫无兴致。
He hit his forehead with the heel of his hand. “Oh yeah — that’s due Thursday, right?”
他用手背拍了一下额头。“哦，是的——那是在周四截止，对吧？”
I mostly worked on my essay.” I didn’t add that I was finished with it — no need to sound smug.
“我几乎都在写我的论文。”我没有补充说我已经完成了——没有必然让自己显得是在炫耀。
“My kind of day,” I agreed.
“我喜欢的天气。”我赞同道。
He stared at me like I’d just spoken in pig Latin.
他盯着我，就好像我刚刚在说隐语一样。
I became just a little uncomfortable as he tucked the lock behind my ear.
当他捋平我耳后的一缕头发时，我开始有些不安起来。
“Only in the sun.”
“只在太阳下会这样。”
“I think… and if you ever repeat what I’m saying right now I will cheerfully beat you to death,” I threatened, “but I think that would hurt Jessica’s feelings.”
“我觉得…如果你敢立刻重复我所说的话，我会很乐意弄死你的。”我威胁道。“但我觉得这会伤害杰西卡的感情。”
“Well, we could go to dinner or something… and I could work on it later.” He smiled at me hopefully.
“嗯，我们可以一起吃晚餐，或者…我可以晚些再写论文。”他满怀希望地向我微笑着。
He was bewildered, obviously not thinking in that direction at all. “Jessica?”
他完全不知所措，显然根本没有往这方面想。“杰西卡？”
“Mike…” I hated being put on the spot. “I don’t think that would be the best idea.”
“迈克…”我不喜欢被置于这种处境。“我不认为这是一个好主意。”
“Oh.” I was taken off guard. Why couldn’t I ever have a pleasant conversation with Mike anymore without it getting awkward?
“哦。”我卸下了防备。为什么我每次跟迈克愉快的谈话都得以尴尬告终呢？
His face fell. “Why?” he asked, his eyes guarded. My thoughts flickered to Edward, wondering if that’s where his thoughts were as well.
他拉下脸来。“为什么？”他问道，眼里充满了警惕。我飞快地想起了爱德华，怀疑着这是否恰好也是他所想到的。
“Oh,” he exhaled — clearly dazed. I took advantage of that to make my escape.
“哦。”他轻呼道——显然还在迷惑着。我利用这一点，让自己脱身。
“It’s time for class, and I can’t be late again.” I gathered my books up and stuffed them in my bag.
“上课的时间到了，我不能再迟到了。”我把书收起来，塞进包里。
“Really, Mike, are you blind?”
“真的，迈克，你是瞎子吗？”
We walked in silence to building three, and his expression was distracted. I hoped whatever thoughts he was immersed in were leading him in the right direction.
我们沉默着向三号楼走去，他一脸的心烦意乱。我希望不管让他陷入沉思的内容是什么，最好都能把他领到正确的方向上去。
“I guess I’ll have to get to work on that tonight,” he said, deflated. “I was going to ask if you wanted to go out.”
“我想我今晚就得着手写论文了。”他泄气地说道。“我本来还想问你愿不愿意出去逛逛呢。”
When I saw Jessica in Trig, she was bubbling with enthusiasm. She, Angela, and Lauren were going to Port Angeles tonight to go dress shopping for the dance, and she wanted me to come, too, even though I didn’t need one. I was indecisive. It would be nice to get out of town with some girlfriends, but Lauren would be there. And who knew what I could be doing tonight… But that was definitely the wrong path to let my mind wander down. Of course I was happy about the sunlight. But that wasn’t completely responsible for the euphoric mood I was in, not even close.
当我在三角函数课上看见杰西卡时，她正热切地说个不停。她，安吉拉还有劳伦准备今晚去天使港买舞会上穿的礼服，而且她希望我也去，尽管我并不需要买。我迟疑着。和几个小女友一起到镇外去是件好事，可劳伦也在。而且谁知道我今晚能做什么…但显然是那条错误的小路让我的心思徘徊不定的。当然，我喜欢阳光。但这并非是我心情愉快的全部原因，事实上，根本就不沾边。
So I gave her a maybe, telling her I’d have to talk with Charlie first.
所以我只给了她一个模棱两可的答复，告诉她我得先问问查理。
She talked of nothing but the dance on the way to Spanish, continuing as if without an interruption when class finally ended, five minutes late, and we were on our way to lunch. I was far too lost in my own frenzy of anticipation to notice much of what she said. I was painfully eager to see not just him but all the Cullens — to compare them with the new suspicions that plagued my mind. As I crossed the threshold of the cafeteria, I felt the first true tingle of fear slither down my spine and settle in my stomach. Would they be able to know what I was thinking? And then a different feeling jolted through me — would Edward be waiting to sit with me again?
去上西班牙语课的时候，她一直滔滔不绝地说着舞会的事，无暇谈及其他，甚至直到上完课的时候都没停下来过。五分钟后，我们去吃午餐。我完全沉浸在自己疯狂的渴望之中，几乎没怎么注意到她说了什么。我痛苦地渴望着见到他，但不只是他，还有所有的卡伦家的孩子——把他们和折磨着我的头脑的猜疑一一对比。当我穿过自助餐厅的入口时，我第一次真切地感受到了一阵恐惧的刺痛滑过我的脊柱，落到我的胃里。他们能知道我在想什么吗？然后，另一种完全不同的感觉颠覆着我——爱德华会再次等着和我坐到一起吗？
Angela asked a few quiet questions about the Macbeth paper, which I answered as naturally as I could while spiraling downward in misery. She, too, invited me to go with them tonight, and I agreed now, grasping at anything to distract myself.
安吉拉安静地问了几个关于那篇《麦克白》的论文的问题，我尽可能答得正常些，尽管此时我正盘旋着落入绝望的深渊。她也邀请我今晚和她们一起去，而我立刻答应了，想要抓住任何能让我分心的事。
I shambled along behind Jessica, not bothering to pretend to listen anymore.
我蹒跚着走在杰西卡后面，不再费神假装在听她说话了。
As was my routine, I glanced first toward the Cullens’ table. A shiver of panic trembled in my stomach as I realized it was empty. With dwindling hope, my eyes scoured the rest of the cafeteria, hoping to find him alone, waiting for me. The place was nearly filled — Spanish had made us late — but there was no sign of Edward or any of his family. Desolation hit me with crippling strength.
如同例行公事一样，我第一眼便向卡伦家的桌子看去。当我意识到它是空的时，一阵恐惧的颤抖在我的胃里翻腾着。带着越来越渺茫的希望，我的眼睛搜索着自助餐厅的余下部分，希望能看见他独自坐着，等着我。到处都坐满了人——西班牙语课让我们来晚了——却没有任何爱德华或者他的某个家人的影子。一种无力的荒凉感袭击了我。
I realized I’d been holding on to a last shred of hope when I entered Biology, saw his empty seat, and felt a new wave of disappointment.
当我走进生物教室的时候，我意识到自己怀着最后一线希望。但在看到他空空的座位以后，新一轮的失望向我涌来。
We were late enough that everyone was already at our table. I avoided the empty chair next to Mike in favor of one by Angela. I vaguely noticed that Mike held the chair out politely for Jessica, and that her face lit up in response.
我们来得太晚了，我们桌子上的人几乎都到齐了。我避开迈克旁边的那张空椅子，更青睐安吉拉旁边那张。我隐约留意到迈克彬彬有礼地为杰西卡拉开椅子，她的脸立刻容光焕发。
I was glad to leave campus, so I would be free to pout and mope before I went out tonight with Jessica and company. But right after I walked in the door of Charlie’s house, Jessica called to cancel our plans. I tried to be happy that Mike had asked her out to dinner — I really was relieved that he finally seemed to be catching on — but my enthusiasm sounded false in my own ears. She rescheduled our shopping trip for tomorrow night.
我很高兴能离开学校，这样我就能在今晚陪着杰西卡出去以前自由自在地发脾气和意志消沉了。但正当我走进查理家大门的时候，杰西卡打电话来取消了我们的计划。我试图为迈克邀请她出去吃晚餐感到高兴——我确实为他最终明白过来而感到宽慰——但我热切的声音在我自己耳中显得很假。她把我们的购物之旅顺延到了明天晚上。
The rest of the day passed slowly, dismally. In Gym, we had a lecture on the rules of badminton, the next torture they had lined up for me. But at least it meant I got to sit and listen instead of stumbling around on the court. The best part was the coach didn’t finish, so I got another day off tomorrow. Never mind that the day after they would arm me with a racket before unleashing me on the rest of the class.
这一天剩下的时间过得漫长又沉默。体育课上，我们要听羽毛球的规则讲演，这是排着队等着我的又一次煎熬。但至少，这意味着我可以坐下来听课，而不是在庭院里到处被绊到。最好的部分是教练没能讲完，所以明天我又将逃过一劫。在我从余下的课里解放出来以前，我根本不去在乎后天他们就要让我拿上球拍了。
Which left me with little in the way of distractions. I had fish marinating for dinner, with a salad and bread left over from the night before, so there was nothing to do there. I spent a focused half hour on homework, but then I was through with that, too. I checked my e-mail, reading the backlog of letters from my mother, getting snippier as they progressed to the present. I sighed and typed a quick response.
这就让我几乎没有了可以分心的事。我把鱼放进调味汁里腌好，又做了一个沙拉，再加上昨天晚上剩下的面包，晚餐就准备好了，再也没有什么事可做了。我花了半小时专心致志地写作业，但又把作业给写完了。我检查自己的电子邮件，看着积攒下来的我母亲发来的邮件，时间越靠后的语气越显暴躁。我叹了口气，打了一封简短的回复。
I decided to kill an hour with non-school-related reading. I had a small collection of books that came with me to Forks, the shabbiest volume being a compilation of the works of Jane Austen. I selected that one and headed to the backyard, grabbing a ragged old quilt from the linen cupboard at the top of the stairs on my way down.
我决定用课外阅读来打发掉一个小时的时间。在我来福克斯的时候我随身带了一些藏书，其中最残破的那一册是简？奥斯丁的作品集。我挑出那本书，向后院走去，下楼的时候顺手从楼梯顶上的亚麻布衣橱里抓了一条破旧的褥子。
Outside in Charlie’s small, square yard, I folded the quilt in half and laid it out of the reach of the trees’ shadows on the thick lawn that would always be slightly wet, no matter how long the sun shone. I lay on my stomach, crossing my ankles in the air, flipping through the different novels in the book, trying to decide which would occupy my mind the most thoroughly. My favorites were Pride and Prejudice and Sense and Sensibility. I’d read the first most recently, so I started into Sense and Sensibility, only to remember after I began three that the hero of the story happened to be named Edward. Angrily, I turned to Mansfield Park, but the hero of that piece was named Edmund, and that was just too close. Weren’t there any other names available in the late eighteenth century? I snapped the book shut, annoyed, and rolled over onto my back. I pushed my sleeves up as high as they would go, and closed my eyes. I would think of nothing but the warmth on my skin, I told myself severely. The breeze was still light, but it blew tendrils of my hair around my face, and that tickled a bit. I pulled all my hair over my head, letting it fan out on the quilt above me, and focused again on the heat that touched my eyelids, my cheekbones, my nose, my lips, my forearms, my neck, soaked through my light shirt…
在查理小小的，四四方方的庭院里，我把那条褥子对叠了一下，把它放到树阴之外的草坪上。不管阳光照射多久，那块草坪永远都是微微湿润着的。我趴下来，把脚踝在空中交叠，飞快地浏览着书里的每一篇小时，试图决定哪一篇最能让我沉迷其中。我最喜欢的是《傲慢与偏见》和《理智与情感》。前者我读得最多，所以我开始看《理智与情感》，但在看了三页以后却想起来这个故事的主人公碰巧也叫爱德华。我愤怒地转去看《曼菲尔德庄园》，但这一篇的主人公叫埃德蒙，实在是太相近了。十八世纪末就没有别的名字可用了吗？我啪地合上书，气恼地把书扔过头顶。我把袖子挽到最高的地方，然后闭上了眼睛。我严厉地对自己说，我什么也不要想，只想让我的肌肤暖和起来。微风轻轻吹拂着，却把我脸旁的头发吹得卷曲起来，这样很痒。我把头发全部拢到脑后，让它呈扇形披散在我身上的褥子上，然后又一次把心思放在阳光的热度上。暖烘烘的阳光落在我的眼皮上，我的颧骨上，我的鼻子上，我的嘴唇上，我的小臂上，我的脖子上，浸透了我轻薄的衬衣…
It’s sunny outside today — I know, I’m shocked, too — so I’m going to go outside and soak up as much vitamin D as I can. I love you, Bella.
“今天外面晴朗极了——我知道，我也很震惊——所以我打算到外面去，尽可能地多吸收一些维生素D。我爱你。贝拉”
Mom, Sorry. I’ve been out. I went to the beach with some friends. And I had to write a paper. My excuses were fairly pathetic, so I gave up on that.
“妈妈，抱歉。我出去了。我和几个朋友一起去了海滩。而且我还有一份论文要写。”我的借口听起来相当地可悲，所以我放弃了，换成了下面这封。
“Charlie?” I asked. But I could hear his door slamming in front of the house.
“查理？”我出声询问道。但我能听到从房子前头传来的他关门的声音。
The next thing I was conscious of was the sound of Charlie’s cruiser turning onto the bricks of the driveway. I sat up in surprise, realizing the light was gone, behind the trees, and I had fallen asleep. I looked around, muddled, with the sudden feeling that I wasn’t alone.
接下来我听到了查理的巡逻车碾上车道的砖块的声音。我吃惊地坐起来，发觉光线已经消失在了树丛后。我方才睡着了。我茫然地环顾四周，忽然意识到我不是一个人。
I jumped up, foolishly edgy, gathering the now-damp quilt and my book. I ran inside to get some oil heating on the stove, realizing that dinner would be late. Charlie was hanging up his gun belt and stepping out of his boots when I came in.
我跳起来，急躁得有些可笑，收拾起已经有些潮湿的褥子和书。我冲进屋里，往锅里放了点油，开始加热，意识到晚餐要推迟了。当我进来的时候，查理正在把武装带挂起来，脱下靴子。
“Sorry, Dad, dinner’s not ready yet — I fell asleep outside.” I stifled a yawn.
“抱歉，爸爸，晚餐还没好——我在屋外睡着了。”我的话被呵欠打断了。
I watched TV with Charlie after dinner, for something to do. There wasn’t anything on I wanted to watch, but he knew I didn’t like baseball, so he turned it to some mindless sitcom that neither of us enjoyed. He seemed happy, though, to be doing something together. And it felt good, despite my depression, to make him happy.
为了找些事干，晚饭后我和查理一起看电视。没什么我想看的节目，但他知道我不喜欢棒球，所以他换了台，切换到某个我们都不怎么喜欢的情景喜剧。但他还是很开心，因为我们能待在一起做点什么。如果不去管我的失落的话，让他高兴是件不错的事。
“Don’t worry about it,” he said. “I wanted to catch the score on the game, anyway.”
“别担心，”他说。“总之，我想先看看赛事的比分情况。”
“No, Dad, but I’m helping them find dresses — you know, giving them constructive criticism.” I wouldn’t have to explain this to a woman.
“我不去，爸爸。但我可以帮她们找衣服——你知道，给她们一点有建设性的意见。”如果是跟一个女人说话，我就不用解释这些了。
“And Angela Weber.” I sighed as I gave him the details.
“还有安吉拉？韦伯。”我叹了口气，给了他更加详尽的信息。
“Well, okay.” He seemed to realize that he was out of his depth with the girlie stuff. “It’s a school night, though.”
“嗯，好吧。”他似乎意识到他离少女的世界太远了。“不过，这是上学的晚上。”
“Jessica Stanley?” he asked.
“杰西卡？斯坦利？”他问道。
“Dad,” I said during a commercial, “Jessica and Angela are going to look at dresses for the dance tomorrow night in Port Angeles, and they wanted me to help them choose… do you mind if I go with them?”
“爸爸，”插播广告的时候我说道。“杰西卡和安吉拉打算明天晚上去天使港去找舞会穿的衣服，她们想让我帮忙挑选…你介意我跟她们一起去吗？”
“I don’t know how you survived,” I muttered, then added more clearly, “I’ll leave some things for cold-cut sandwiches in the fridge, okay? Right on top.”
“我不知道你是怎么活下来的。”我嘟囔着，然后更清晰地补充道。“我会在冰箱里留一点做冷餐三明治的食材，好吗？就在冰箱上层。”
He was confused. “But you’re not going to the dance, right?”
他很困惑：“可你不打算去舞会，对吧？”
“Bells, I fed myself for seventeen years before you got here,” he reminded me.
“贝尔，在你到这儿来以前，我自力更生了十七年。”他提醒我。
“We’ll leave right after school, so we can get back early. You’ll be okay for dinner, right?”
“我们一放学就去，这样我们就可以早点回来。你要自己解决晚餐，没问题吧？”
It was sunny again in the morning. I awakened with renewed hope that I grimly tried to suppress. I dressed for the warmer weather in a deep blue V-neck blouse — something I’d worn in the dead of winter in Phoenix.
这天早上又是晴空万里。我又燃起了新的希望，虽然我冷漠地试图把这种感觉给压下去。因为天气更暖和了，我穿上了一件深蓝色V领短打衫——这是我在凤凰城冬天最冷的时候才会穿的衣服。
I had planned my arrival at school so that I barely had time to make it to class. With a sinking heart, I circled the full lot looking for a space, while also searching for the silver Volvo that was clearly not there. I parked in the last row and hurried to English, arriving breathless, but subdued, before the final bell.
我精确地安排着到校时间，这样我就能刚好赶上上课了。我心里沉甸甸的，满停车场兜着圈子找空位，同时也是在找那辆银色沃尔沃，但它显然不在。我把车停到最后一排，然后匆忙地跑去上英语课，上气不接下气地赶到了教室，然后在最后一声铃响前缓了过来。
The Port Angeles scheme was back on again for tonight and made all the more attractive by the fact that Lauren had other obligations. I was anxious to get out of town so I could stop glancing over my shoulder, hoping to see him appearing out of the blue the way he always did. I vowed to myself that I would be in a good mood tonight and not ruin Angela’s or Jessica’s enjoyment in the dress hunting. Maybe I could do a little clothes shopping as well. I refused to think that I might be shopping alone in Seattle this weekend, no longer interested in the earlier arrangement. Surely he wouldn’t cancel without at least telling me.
天使港计划今晚将重新启动，让一切变得更有吸引力的是劳伦另有贵干的事实。我迫不及待地想要到镇外去，这样我就能停下来不再从肩膀上看过去，希望能看见他像平常一样出人意料地出现在那里。我向自己发誓，我今晚要过得非常愉快，而且不能在扫货的时候让安吉拉或者杰西卡扫兴。也许我也应该买点衣服。我拒绝想到这周末我可能得孤零零地在西雅图购物，对更早些时候的行程安排毫无兴致。当然，他不会单方面地取消约定的，至少会告诉我一声。
It was the same as yesterday — I just couldn’t keep little sprouts of hope from budding in my mind, only to have them squashed painfully as I searched the lunchroom in vain and sat at my empty Biology table.
今天和昨天完全一样——只是我没能保住心头萌发的小小希望之芽。当我徒劳地搜索着午餐室，当我坐到空荡荡的生物实验桌旁时，我只能痛苦地把它们扼杀掉。
After school, Jessica followed me home in her old white Mercury so that I could ditch my books and truck. I brushed through my hair quickly when I was inside, feeling a slight lift of excitement as I contemplated getting out of Forks. I left a note for Charlie on the table, explaining again where to find dinner, switched my scruffy wallet from my school bag to a purse I rarely used, and ran out to join Jessica. We went to Angela’s house next, and she was waiting for us. My excitement increased exponentially as we actually drove out of the town limits.
放学后，杰西卡开着她老掉牙的白色水星跟着我回家，这样我就能把书和车扔在家里。当我在屋里的时候，我飞快地刷了几下头发。一想到能逃离福克斯，我就感到一阵轻微的亢奋。我在桌上给查理留了张纸条，再次告诉他在哪里可以找到他的晚饭，然后从我的书包里取出那个破旧的钱夹，把里面的东西都转到一只我很少用的钱包里，然后跑出去找杰西卡。接下来我们去了安吉拉家，她正等着我们。当我们真的开出小镇的范围时，我的兴奋开始以指数形式增长。
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