第十四章 第三部 真相大白 |《荆棘之城》双语小说免费在线阅读

“There she is!” I cried, lifting my hand and pointing. “There she is! Don’t let her go! Don’t you fucking let her go –!”

“是她！”我扬手指着她，哭喊道。“就是她！别放她走！你他妈的别放她走！”

I shrieked. I shrieked and shrieked. I struggled like a fiend. But the more I twisted, the tighter I was held. I saw Gentleman fall back in his seat and the coach start up and begin to turn. I saw Maud put her face to the window of cloudy glass. At sight of her eyes, I shrieked again.

我尖叫，尖叫，不住地尖叫。我象疯子一样不停挣扎。可我越挣扎，就给他们擒得越牢。我看到绅士落回他的座位，马车启动，要掉头走了。我看到莫德的脸凑到灰蒙蒙的玻璃上。在她的注视下，我又尖叫起来。

But the coach drove on, the wheels throwing up dust and gravel as the horse got up its speed; and the faster it went, the harder I think I fought. Now the other doctor came forward, to help Dr Christie. The woman in the apron came, too. They were trying to pull me closer to the house. I wouldn’t let them.

可马车还是走了，马儿加快了速度，车轮卷起尘土和碎石。马车跑得越快，我就挣扎得越激烈。这时另一个医生上前来，帮克里斯蒂医生搭把手。围着围裙的女人也上来了。他们合力想将我拉进屋子。我才不会就范。

The coach was speeding, growing smaller. “They’re getting away!” I cried. Then the woman got behind me and seized my waist. She had a grip on her like a man’s. She lifted me up the two or three steps that led to the house’s front door, as if I might be so many feathers in a bag.

马车越跑越快，越跑越小。“他们要跑了！”我哭喊道。这时，那女人绕到我身后，抱住我的腰。她力气跟男人一样大。她把我抱起来，我脚离地一尺多高，她抱着我往前门走，就好像我是一个装着鸡毛的大口袋。

“Now then,” she said as she hauled me. “What’s this? Kick your legs, will you, and trouble the doctors?”

“这下好了，”她箍着我说道。“干吗？还想乱蹬腿吗？还想麻烦医生吗？”

Her mouth was close to my ear, her face behind me. I hardly knew what I was doing. All I knew was, she had me there, and Gentleman and Maud were escaping. I felt her speak, bent my head forward, then took it sharply back.

她嘴巴就贴着我耳朵，她的脸就在我身后。我都不知道自己在干什么。我心里就知道，她把我按在那儿，绅士和莫德正在跑路。我觉察到她在讲话，我脑袋先弯到前面，再猛地甩到后面。

“Oh!” she cried. Her grip grew slack. “Oh! Oh!”

“噢！”她惨叫道。她手上的力道懈了些。“噢！噢！”

“She’s becoming demented,” said Dr Christie. I thought he was talking about her. Then I saw he meant me. He took a whistle from his pocket and gave it a blow.

“她要发狂了！”克里斯蒂医生说道。我还以为他说的是那个女人。然后我见他说的是我。他从口袋里拿出一个哨子，吹了一记。

“For God’s sake,” I cried, “won’t you hear me? They have tricked me, they have tricked me –!”

“看在上帝的份上！”我哭道。“你不听我说话吗？他们耍了我，他们耍了我——”

The woman grabbed me again — about the throat, this time; and as I turned in her arms she hit me hard, with the points of her fingers, in my stomach. I think she did it in such a way, the doctors did not see. I gave a jerk, and swallowed my breath. Then she did it again. “Here’s fits!” she said.

那个女人又钳住我——这回是钳住我喉咙；当我在她怀里扭动挣扎时，她用指尖狠狠地戳到我的胃上。我想她这么做，医生都没看到。我身子一僵，猛吸了一口气。然后她再来一下。“就这儿！”她说道。

Meanwhile, they had got me into the hall of the house and the sound of the whistle had brought another two men. They were pulling on brown paper cuffs over their coat-sleeves. They did not look like doctors. They came and caught hold of my ankles.

与此同时，他们已把我抬进大堂，哨声早已招来两个男的。他们正往连袖围裙上套褐色的纸袖套。他们的样子看上去不像是医生。他们走过来，抓住我的脚脖子。

“Watch your hands!” called Dr Graves. “She may snap.”

“当心你的手！”格里夫斯医生喊道。“她会咬人的。”

“Hold her tight,” said Dr Christie. He had brought out a thing like a great flat spoon, made of horn. He came to my side and held my head, and put the spoon to my mouth, between my teeth. It was smooth, but he pushed it hard and it hurt me. I thought I should be choked: I bit it, to keep it from going down my throat. It tasted bad. I still think of all the other people’s mouths it must have gone in, before mine.

“抓紧她，”克里斯蒂医生说道。他拿出一个又大又平的板条，牛角做的，像把勺子一样。他走到我身边，捏住我下巴，把那个板条放进我嘴里，压住我的舌头。那板条很光滑，可是他使劲压着我的舌头，那玩意弄得我很痛。我觉得我要上不来气了：我咬住那个板条，不让它进我的喉咙。那玩意味道特不好。我还想到，在我之前，这玩意光顾过的别人的嘴巴。

“Keep her steady,” said Dr Graves. “She’s in a convulsion. She may put out her joints.”

“抓紧她，”格理夫斯医生说道。“她现在神经大发作了。她要手舞足蹈了。”

The men drew my legs straight, and my skirts rose to my knees. I began to be afraid of the skirts rising higher. That made me twist about, I suppose.

我喘不过气，也说不出话来。我只会哇哇乱叫。他们拽直我的腿，我的裙边抬到了膝盖处。我开始担心裙边抬得更高。我想就是这个念头令我扭动不止。

I could not tell them that I was not in a fit, but only winded; that the woman had hurt me; that I was anyway not a lunatic, but sane as them. I could not say anything, for trying to find my breath. I could only croak.

我没法告诉他们我不是神经大发作，我只是有点喘；我没法告诉他们那女人对我做的手脚；我也没法告诉他们其实我不是疯子，我跟他们一样神志清醒。

He saw my jaws close. “Now she takes it!” he said. That’s right. Hold her steady.” He looked at Dr Graves. “To the soft room? I think so. Nurse Spiller?”

他见我咬紧牙关。“好她咬住了！”他说道。“就这样。抓稳了。”他望着格里夫斯医生，“送到那个房间？那个包间（soft room）？我也这么想来着。斯皮乐护士？”

I was not thinking, now, of Gentleman and Maud. I was thinking of myself. I was growing horribly afraid. My stomach ached from the nurse’s fingers. My mouth was cut by the spoon. I had an idea that, once they got me into a room, they would kill me.

这会儿我再没去想绅士和莫德了，我在想我自个儿。我渐渐变得非常恐惧。我的胃在护士指尖下依旧疼痛不止。我的嘴被那板条塞住。等他们把我抬进一个房间，我心里冒出一个念头，他们要杀了我。

“A thrasher, ain’t she?” said one of the men, as he worked for a better grip on my ankle.

其中一位男子奋力抓着我的脚脖子，他说道，“她个鸟人。”

“A very bad case,” said Dr Christie. He looked into my face. “The convulsion is passing, at least.” He raised his voice. “Don’t be afraid, Mrs Rivers! We know all about you. We are your friends. We have brought you here to make you well.”

“一个非常糟糕的病例，”克里斯蒂医生说道。他审视着我的脸。“癫狂终于要过去了。”他提高了声音。“别害怕，瑞富斯太太！我们对你的情况了如指掌。我们是你的朋友。我们带你来这里，是为了让你好起来。”

I tried to speak. “Help! Help!” I tried to say. But the spoon made me gobble like a bird. It also made me dribble; and a bit of dribble flew out of my mouth and struck Dr Christie’s cheek. Perhaps he thought I had spat it. Anyway, he moved quickly back, and his face grew grim. He took out his handkerchief.

我努力想说话。我想说“救命！救命！”，可那板条令我咕噜咕噜地像只鸟儿。那玩意还让我流口水；一串口水从我嘴里飞出来，飞到克里斯蒂医生脸上。他或许以为是我啐了他。反正，他迅速退后，面孔也变得冷酷无情。

That was the woman that held me by the throat. I saw her nod to him, and then to the men in the cuffs, and they turned so that they might walk with me, further into the house. I felt them do it and began to struggle again.

他问的正是卡住我咽喉的那个女人，我看到她先跟他点点头，又跟带袖套的两个男子点点头，于是他们俩转过身去，要抬着我往病院深处行进。我察觉到他们要如此，便又开始挣扎。

Finally, one of the men began to whistle a tune, and to beat out the time of it, with his finger-ends, on my leg. Then we reached another room, with a ceiling of a paler shade of drab; and here they stopped.

最后，其中一个男子开始吹口哨，他抓着我的腿，指头打着拍子。这时，我们到了另一个房间，那房间有着浅黄褐色的天花板。到这儿他们就停住脚步。

They carried me along a passage, through a set of doors and a room; then to a landing, another passage, another room — I tried to study the way, but they had me on my back: I could make out only so many drab-coloured ceilings and walls.

他们抬着我径直穿过一条走廊，穿过一连串房门和一个房间；然后到了一个平台，走上另一条走廊，另一个房间——我想记下路线，可他们将我面朝上抬着：我只看得到一连串浅褐色的天花板和墙壁。

“Very good,” he said to the men and the nurse, as he wiped his cheek. “That will do. Now you may take her.”

他擦擦面孔，对两个男子和护士说道，“非常好，就这么办吧。现在你们可以带她去了。”

“Careful, now,” they said.

“当心，好，”他们说道。

After about a minute I knew they had got me deep into the house, and that I was lost. I could not cry out. The nurse kept her arm about my throat, and I still had the spoon of horn in my mouth. When we reached a staircase they took me down it, saying, “To you, Mr Bates,” and, “Watch this turn, it’s a tight one!” — as if I might be, not a sack of feathers now, but a trunk or a piano. Not once did they look me in the face.

过了一分钟，我知道他们已将我抬到屋子深处，我迷了路。我也没法子喊出声来。护士的胳膊一直钳着我的喉咙，那片牛角板条还在我嘴里。等我们到了楼梯口，他们抬着我走下楼梯，嘴里还说着，“说你呢，贝特斯先生，”还有，“当心这个弯儿，这弯儿拐得很急！”——此刻，仿佛我不再是一包鸡毛，而是一个大皮箱或一架钢琴。他们看也不看我的脸。

The men put down my legs. The woman took her arm from my neck and gave me a push. It was only a little push and yet, they had so pulled and shaken me about, I found I staggered and fell. I fell upon my hands. I opened my mouth and the spoon fell out. One of the men reached, quick, to take it. He shook the spit from it.

两个男子放下我的腿。那女人放开钳着我脖子的胳膊，还推了我一把。虽说只是轻轻一推，可他们先前一直撕扯着我，摇晃着我，我感觉脚步踉跄，不由跌倒在地。我双手支撑着身子，嘴巴张开了，那板条也掉落出来。其中一个男子迅速伸过手，捡起那玩意儿，甩掉上面的口水。

“Little devil!”

“小魔鬼！”

“You may say please, now,” said the woman. Then she spoke to the men. “Gave me a crack with her head, upon the steps. Look here. Am I bruised?”

“这会儿你可以说讨饶的话。”那女人说道。然后她对两个男子说道，“还用头撞了我一下，在台阶上。给我撞青了吗？”

She put her foot to me. “Now, does Dr Christie have you here to give us all bruises? Eh, my lady? Mrs What-is-your-name? Mrs Waters, or Rivers? Does he?”

她上前一步。“好了，克里斯蒂医生带你来这儿，就为了让我们大伙儿身上都青一块儿紫一块儿的吗？啊？我的大小姐？尊姓大名太太？沃特斯太太？还是瑞富斯太太？他是这个意思吗？”

“Please,” I said.

“求求你们，”我说道。

“I believe you shall be.”

“我觉得有点儿青。”

“Please,” I said again. “I ain’t Mrs Rivers.”

“求求你们了，”我又说道。“我不是瑞富斯太太。”

“She ain’t Mrs Rivers? Hear that, Mr Bates? And I ain’t Nurse Spiller, I dare say. And Mr Hedges ain’t himself. Very likely.”

“她不是瑞富斯太太？听到没，贝特斯先生？那我也可以说，我不是斯皮乐护士。海芝先生也不是他自个儿。很可能哟。”

She came closer to me, and she picked me up about my waist; and she dropped me. You could not say she threw me, but she lifted me high and let me fall; and me being just then so dazed and so weak, I fell badly.

她又走近一步，抓着我的腰，将我提起来；随后又松手，任我落到地上。你也不能说她摔了我，可她将我高高拎起，又任我摔在地上；那会儿我正头脑恍惚，身子虚弱，我难受异常。

“That’s for cracking my face,” she said. “Be glad we ain’t on stairs, or a roof. Crack me again — who knows? — we might be.”

“这是为你撞我的脸，”她说道。“高兴点吧，我们还不是在楼梯上或房顶上呢。下次再伤到我——谁知道呢？——我们就可能在楼梯上或房顶上了。”

She pulled her canvas apron straight, and leaned and caught hold of my collar. “Right, let’s have this gown off. You may look like thunder, too. That’s nothing to me. Why, what small little hooks! And my hand’s hard, is it? Used to better, are you? I should say you are, from what I’ve heard.” She laughed. “Well, we don’t keep ladies’ maids, here. We has Mr Hedges and Mr Bates.” They still stood, watching, at the door. “Shall I call them over?”

她把帆布围裙抻抻直，弯腰抓住我的领子。“对了，来把这件衣裳脱了。你也可能有张雷公脸。我无所谓。哎呀，这么小的挂钩！我的手有劲吧？你过惯了好日子，对吧？从我听说的那些话来看，我敢说你肯定是。”她哈哈大笑。“好啦，我们这儿可没给大小姐准备女仆，我们有海芝先生和贝特斯先生。”他二人还站在门口张望。“我是不是该把他们喊过来？”

Then she stood, darker-faced than ever, and sweating.

然后她站在那儿，面色比先前更加阴沉，还冒着汗呢。

Her face grew dark. “Bitch, am I?” she answered. “Well!”

她脸色一沉。“婊子？说我？”她答道。“那好！”

“You may call who you like, you great bitch,” I said, in a pant. “You ain’t having my dress.”

“你喜欢叫谁来就叫谁来吧，你个臭婊子。”我说道。“你脱不了我的衣裳。”

And she drew back her hand and curled her fingers into a fist, and she hit me. I had grown up in the Borough, surrounded by every kind of desperate dodger and thief; but I had had Mrs Sucksby for a mother, and had never been hit. The blow knocked me almost out of my head. I put my hands to my face, and lay down in a crouch; but she got the gown off me anyway — I suppose she was used to getting gowns off lunatics, and had a trick for it; and next she got hold of my corset and took that. Then she took my garters, and then my shoes and stockings, and finally my hair-pins.

她收回手，握成拳头，给了我一拳。我是在镇子上长大的，身边围着各种各样铤而走险的骗子和小偷；可我有萨克丝贝太太，像我母亲一样，我还从来没挨过打呢。那一拳打得我元神飞出脑壳。我双手捂着脸，倒在地上，蜷起身体；可她就把我的衣裳剥下来——我猜她经常剥疯子们的衣裳，已经摸到其中窍门了；接下来她抓住我的胸衣，也剥下来了。然后她脱了我的吊袜带，然后是鞋和袜子，最后是我的发卡。

I supposed she meant to strip me bare; which I would rather die first, than endure. I got on to my knees and twisted from her.

我估计她打算把我剥光了；那我宁可死，也绝对不从。我跪在地上，挣脱开她。我的心猛跳了一下。

“There!” she said, looking me over in my petticoat and shimmy. “There’s all your ribbons and laces gone. If you chokes yourself now, it’ll be no business of ours. You hear me? Mrs Ain’t-Mrs-Rivers? You sit in the pads for a night, and stew. See how you care for that. Convulsions? I think I know a temper from a fit. Kick all you like in here. Put out your joints, chew your tongue off. Keep you quiet. We prefers them quiet, makes our job nicer.”

她仔细检查过我的衬裙和内衣，随后说道，“行了！你身上的绳子和带子都没了，现在你要是把自己勒死了，那可跟我们没关系。你听到我说话没有？假瑞富斯太太（Mrs Ain’t-Mrs-Rivers）？你在垫子上坐一夜，心里闷坏了。瞧你多把这个当回事啊。发神经？我想我知道疯子发作的征象。碰到什么踢什么，手舞足蹈，舌头也嚼碎了。人也安静了。我们就喜欢他们安静点，也能让我们的工作更见成效。”

She said all that, and she made a bundle of my clothes and swung them over her shoulder; and then she left me. The men went with her. They had seen her hit me, and done nothing. They had watched her take my stockings and stays. I heard them pull off their paper cuffs. One began to whistle again. Nurse Spiller closed the door and locked it, and the whistling grew very much fainter.

她说了这番话，将我的衣裳卷成一卷，甩在肩膀上；然后就走了。两个男子跟她一道走了。他们都看到她打我，却袖手旁观。他们也眼见她脱掉我的袜子和胸衣。我听到他们拽掉纸袖套。其中一个又开始吹口哨。斯皮乐护士关了房门，上了锁，口哨声变得越来越模糊。

When it had grown so faint I could no longer hear it, I got to my feet. Then I fell down again. My legs had been pulled so hard they shook like things of rubber, and my head was ringing, from the punch. My hands were trembling. I was, not to put too fine a point on it, properly funked. I went, on my knees, to the door, to look at the key-hole. There was no handle. The door itself was covered in a dirty canvas, padded with straw; the walls were covered in padded canvas, too. The floor had oil-cloth on it. There was a single blanket, very much torn and stained. There was a little tin pot I was meant to piddle in. There was a window, high up, with bars on. Beyond the bars were curling leaves of ivy. The light came in green and dark, like the water in a pond.

等到口哨声模糊到耳不可闻时，我便站起身来。随后我又颓然倒地。我的腿被他们扯的太狠，直发抖，象是橡皮做的，我脑壳里也为那一拳而丁冬作响。我的双手不住颤抖。我当时，坦率地说吧，完全吓坏了。我杵着膝盖爬到门边，想凑到钥匙孔上察看一番。门上没有把手。门板上包着脏兮兮的帆布，里面垫着麦草。四周墙壁也包着麦草和帆布。地板上过蜡。房里只有一条毯子，非常非常破，非常非常脏。还有一个小铁皮罐，给我小便用的。有一扇窗户，高高在上，钉着铁条。铁条外边是卷曲的爬山虎叶子。照进来的光线变得又绿又暗，就好象池塘里的水。

Then I turned back to the door and put my fingers to it — to the key-hole, to the canvas, to the edge, anywhere — to try and pull it. But it was tight as a clam — and, what was worse, as I stood plucking at it I began to make out little dints and tears in the dirty canvas — little crescents, where the weave was worn — that I understood all at once must be the marks left by the finger-nails of all the other lunatics — all the real lunatics, I mean — who had been put in that room before me.

于是我转过身扑到门上，手在门上乱抓起来——抓钥匙孔，抓帆布，抓门边，到处抓——我想把门拉开。但是房门紧闭如同河蚌——还有，更倒霉的是，站在门前抓扯门的时候，我又发现脏兮兮的帆布上有些小凹痕和泪迹——就在帆布纹理扯烂掉的地方，有些小小的月牙形——于是，我立刻就明白了，那是那些疯子——我是说，那些真正的疯子——在我之前，被投入这个房间的人——他们的指甲尖儿留下的印记。

I stood and looked at it all, in a sort of daze — hardly believing, I think, that those were my cold feet on the oil-cloth floor; that it was my sore face, my arms, that the green light struck.

我站在那儿，将这一切看在眼里，昏昏沉沉的——几乎无法相信，我心想，是我那双冰冷的脚踩在那上了油的地板上；那绿光照到的是我那张疼痛的脸，是我的胳膊。

“Help! Help!” I cried. My voice sounded strange. “Oh, help! They have put me in here, thinking I’m mad! Call Richard Rivers!” I coughed. “Help! Doctor! Help! Can you hear me?” I coughed again. “Help! Can you hear me –?”

“救命！救命！”我哭喊道。我的声音听起来挺怪的。“噢，救命啊！他们把我丢在这里，以为我是疯子！叫理查德。瑞富斯来！”我咳嗽起来。“救命啊！医生！救命！你听到没有？”我又咳嗽。“救命啊！你听到吗——？”

The thought that I was standing, doing just what they had done, was horrible. I stepped away from the door, the daze slipped from me, and I grew wild with fright. I flung myself back, and began to beat at the padded canvas with my hands. Each blow made a cloud of dust.

一想起我也站在这间屋子里，做着他们做过的事，这念头太可怕了。我赶忙从门边走开，脑袋里的糊涂一扫而光，我恐惧地要发狂了。我猛地退到身后的墙边，双手开始敲打墙上的帆布。每打一下都激起一阵灰尘。

So then I tried the walls. They were also thick. And when I had given up banging and shouting, I put the blanket and the little tin pot together in a heap beneath the window, and climbed on them, trying to reach the glass; but the tin pot buckled, and the blanket slithered and I fell.

于是，后来我又去弄四周的墙壁。墙都很厚实。等我放弃了敲打和喊叫，我把毯子和小铁皮罐放在一块儿，斜靠着墙，放在窗户下面，我站到上面，想跳起来摸到窗玻璃；可那个小铁皮罐给我踩瘪了，毯子打了滑，我就摔下来了。

And so on. I stood and called, and coughed, and beat upon the door — only stopping, now and then, to put my ear to it, to try to tell if there might be anyone near — for I can’t say how long; and no-one came. I think the padding was too thick; or else, the people that heard me were used to lunatics calling, and had learned not to mind.

如此这般。我站在那儿，不断呼喊，不断咳嗽，不断敲打着门——偶尔停下来，耳朵贴上去，想听听附近是不是有人——我也不知道敲了多久；一直没人过来。我觉得是墙上的垫子太厚了；要么就是，听到我声音的人，对疯子的呼叫习以为常了，早就学乖了，早就不把这当回事儿了。

At last I sat on the oil-cloth floor and cried. I cried, and my own tears stung me. I put my finger-tips to my cheek and felt about my swelling face. I felt my hair. The woman had pulled it to take the pins out, and it lay all about my shoulders; and when I took up a length of it, meaning to comb it, some of it came away in my hands. That made me cry worse than ever. I don’t say I was much of a beauty; but I thought of a girl I knew, who had lost her hair to a wheel in a workshop — that hair had never grown back. Suppose I should be bald? I went over my head, taking out the hair that was loose, wondering if I ought to keep it, perhaps for making a wig with later; but there was not much of it, after all. In the end I rolled it up and put it in a corner.

最后，我坐在上了油的地板上，号啕大哭。我痛哭，眼泪蛰得我生疼。我指尖触到面颊，感觉到我肿胀的脸。我摸到自己的头发。那女人拽散了我的头发，好把发卡拣出来，头发都散在我肩上；当我抓起一把头发，想梳理一下时，有几根头发脱落下来，落在我手上。这令我嚎得更凶了。我并不是说我算得上什么美女；可是我想起我认识的一个姑娘，她的头发给作坊里的皮带轮卷跑了——头发再长不回来了。我要是秃了可怎么办？我满头乱抓，把脱落的头发都抓在手中，心里犹豫着是不是该留着这些头发，说不定以后可以拿来做个假发；可是压根儿就没多少。到最后，我把头发揉成一团，扔到墙角里。

And as I did that, I saw something, pale upon the floor. It looked like a crumpled white hand, and it gave me a start, at first; then I saw what it was. It had fallen out of my bosom when the nurse had got the gown off me, and been kicked out of sight. There was the mark of a shoe upon it, and one of its buttons was crushed. It was that glove of Maud’s, that I had taken that morning from her things and meant to hold on to, as a keepsake of her.

扔头发的时候，我看到地上有个什么东西，白色的。那玩意儿看上去象只揉皱的白色的手，刚开始让我心里一惊；随后我就看明白那是什么东西了。那是护士扒我衣裳时，从我胸口掉出来的，她没看到。那上面还有个鞋印，有个扣子给人踩碎了。那玩意儿是莫德的手套，是那天早上，我从她的行李里拿出来，想留着做个纪念的。

I picked it up and turned it over and over in my hands. If I had thought myself funked, a minute before — well, that funking was nothing to what I felt now, looking at that glove, thinking of Maud, and of the awful trick that she and Gentleman had played me. I hid my face in my arms, for very shame. I walked, from one wall to another, and from that to another: if I once tried to be still, it was as if I was resting on needles and pins — I started up, crying out and sweating.

我拾起手套，拿在手中翻来覆去地看。如果说，前一分钟我还觉得我万分惊恐——好，此时我望着那手套，想到莫德，想到她和绅士设下可怕的圈套，耍了我，相比我此时的感受，那点儿惊恐实在算不得什么。我把脸埋在胳膊里，羞愤异常。我从这面墙，转到那面墙，又从那面墙走转到另一面墙：我一想停住脚步，感觉就好像站到了钉板上——总要悲愤不已，号啕起来，冷汗迭出。

I thought of all my time at Briar, when I had supposed myself such a sharper, and been such a simpleton. I thought of the days I had spent, with those two villains — the looks the one must have given the other, the smiles. Leave her alone, why don’t you? I had said to him, feeling sorry for her. And then, to her: Don’t mind him, miss. He loves you, miss. Marry him. He loves you. He will do it like this…

我想起我在布莱尔的岁月，那时我以为自己精明过人；其实却是个呆子。我想起我跟那两个恶人一起度过的日子——那二人之间交流的眼神，和微笑。我还觉得对不起她，我曾对他说，为什么你不让她一个人待着？然后我又跟她说：别怪他，小姐。他爱你，小姐。嫁给他。他爱你。他会如此行事…

Then, I might really have been demented. I walked, and my bare feet went slap, slap, slap on the oil-cloth; and I put the glove to my mouth and I bit it. Him I suppose I expected no better of. It was her I thought of most — that bitch, that snake, that — Oh! To think I had ever looked at her and taken her for a flat. To think I had laughed at her. To think I had loved her! To think I had thought she loved me! To think I had kissed her, in Gentleman’s name. To think I had touched her! To think, to think –!

后来，我好象真的发狂了。我走来走去，赤脚一步一步踏在油地板上；我把手套放进嘴里，嘶咬起来。我觉得我再不想提起他了。我想的最多的是她——那个婊子，那条毒蛇，那个——噢！想到我曾经望着她，把她当个傻子。想到我曾经笑话她，想到我曾经爱过她！想到我曾经以为她也爱我！想到我曾借绅士之名，吻了她。想到我曾经抚摸过她！想到，想到——！

To think I lay on the night of her wedding with a pillow over my head, so I should not hear the sound of her tears. To think that, if I had listened, I might have heard — might I? might I? — the sound of her sighs. I could not bear it. I forgot, for the moment, the little detail of how, in swindling me, she had only turned my own trick back on myself.

想到她的新婚之夜，我躺在床上，枕头蒙住头，这样就听不到她落泪的声音。想到假使我听了，我应该能听到——我能听到吗？能听到吗？——她的叹息声。我受不了这些。有那么一刻，我忘记了，在这场骗局中，她如何以其人之道，还至其人之身的小细节。

Oh! Oh! I feel the sting of it, even now.

噢！噢！就算到了现在，我还是能感觉到那种刺痛。

I walked, and moaned, and swore, and cursed her; I gripped and bit and twisted that glove, until the light beyond the window faded, and the room grew dark. No one came to look at me. No-one brought me food, or a gown, or stockings. And though I was warm at first, from all the walking, when at last I grew so tired I found I must lie upon the blanket or drop, I became cold; and then I could not get warm again.

我走来走去，呻吟哀叹，发誓赌咒；我紧紧抓着手套，又咬又扯，直到窗外的光亮渐渐暗下来，房间也越来越暗了。没人过来看我一眼。没人给我拿吃的来，也没人给我拿一件衣裳，或一双袜子来。刚开始我不停走动，还挺热的，等到最后，我累坏了，我发现我得躺到毯子上，我感觉冷了；再没暖和过来。

I did not sleep. From the rest of the house there came, every so often, queer noises — shouts, and running feet and, once, the blowing of the doctor’s whistle.

我没睡。从房子的其他地方，不停传来古怪的声音——叫喊声，跑动声，还有，响了一次，医生的哨声。

At some hour of the night it began to rain, and the water went drip against the window. In the garden, a dog barked: I heard that and began to think, not of Maud, but of Charley Wag, of Mr Ibbs and Mrs Sucksby — of Mrs Sucksby in her bed, the empty place beside her, waiting for me. How long would she wait? How soon would Gentleman go to her? What would he say? He might say I was dead. But then, if he said that, she would ask for my body, to bury. — I thought of my funeral, and who would cry most. He might say I was drowned or lost in marshes. She would ask for the papers to prove it. Could those papers be faked? He might say I had taken my share of the money, and cut. He would say that, I knew it. But Mrs Sucksby wouldn’t believe him. She would see through him like he was glass. She would hunt me out. She had not kept me seventeen years to lose me now, like this! She would look in every house in England, until she found me!

夜里下起阵雨，雨点打在窗玻璃上。园子里有条狗在叫。我听在耳中，开始想念，不是想莫德，而是想查理。威格，想艾伯斯先生和萨克丝贝太太——想到萨克丝贝太太躺在她床上，身边的位置空着，等待着我。她会等多久呢？绅士多快见到她？他会说什么？他会说我死了。不过到时候，如果他这么说，她就会问我尸体的下落，她要安葬我。——我想到我的葬礼，还想到谁会哭的最响。他可以说我淹死了或者在沼泽地里失踪了。她会要证明文件来看。这种文件可以造假吗？他可以说我已经拿了我那份儿钱，跑路了。他会这么说的，我知道。可是萨克丝贝太太才不会信他。她一眼就能看穿他，就像看穿玻璃一样。她会把我找出来。她养育我十七年，可不是为了失去我，就像现在这个样子！她会寻遍英格兰的每座房屋，直到她找到我！

That’s what I thought, as I grew calmer. I thought I must only speak with the doctors and they would see their mistake and let me go; but that anyway, Mrs Sucksby would come, and I should get out like that.

等我冷静下来，我心里就这么想。我当时以为只需要跟医生们说说，他们就会明白自己的失误，然后就会放了我；不过无论如何，萨克丝贝太太都会找来的，于是我就会离开那儿。

And when I was free, I would go to wherever Maud Lilly was, and — wasn’t I my mother’s own daughter, after all? — I would kill her.

等我重获自由，无论李莫德跑到哪儿，我都要找到她，然后——毕竟，我不还是我妈妈的亲生女儿吗？——我要杀了她。

You can see what little idea I had of the awfulness of the fix I was really in.

你可以看出来，其实，我对当时真实处境的险恶之处，是多么地没概念啊。

They came into the room and stood and looked me over. Nurse Spiller said, “Here she is.”

她们进了屋，站在那儿，细细打量我。斯皮乐护士说道，“就是她。”

The other, who was dark, said, “Young, to be mad.”

另一位，稍黑点的，说道，“年纪轻轻的，就疯了。”

Next morning, the woman who had thrown me about came back for me. She came, not with the two men, Mr Bates and Mr Hedges, but with another woman — nurses, they called them there; but they were no more nurses than I was, they only got that work through being stout and having great big hands like mangles.

第二天早晨，那个把我扔在这儿的女人回来了。她没带着那两个男人，海芝先生和贝特斯先生，却又带来个女人——护士，在这儿他们都这么称呼她们，可她们并不比我更像护士，她们得到这个工作，仅仅是凭着粗壮的身板，和巨灵神般的一双大手。

“Listen here,” I said, very carefully. I had worked this out. I had heard them coming, and had got to my feet and put my petticoat straight, and tidied my hair. “Listen here. You think I am mad. I am not. I am not the lady you and the doctors suppose me to be, at all. That lady, and her husband — Richard Rivers — are a pair of swindlers; and they have swindled you, and me, and just about everybody; and it is very important that the doctors know it, so I may be let out and those swindlers caught. I –“

“听着，”我非常小心地说道。我已经想出办法了。先前听到她们过来，我就站起身，还将头发整理好。“听着。你们以为我是疯子。我不是的。我根本就不是你们和那两位医生认定的那位小姐。那位小姐，还有她的丈夫——理查德。瑞富斯——是一对儿大骗子；他们骗了你们，和我，还有所有人；这事儿非同小可，医生都清楚，所以要放我出去，抓住那两个骗子。我——”

Again they stood and looked me over. “You must call us nurse when you speak to us,” the dark one said at last. “But between you and me, dear, we would rather you didn’t speak to us at all. We hear that much nonsense — well. Come along. You must be bathed, so that Doctor Christie may look at you. You must be put in a gown. Why, what a little girl! You must be no more than sixteen.”

她们又站在那儿，细细地打量我。“你跟我们说话的时候，必须喊我们护士，”那个皮肤黑些的最后说道。“不过在你我之间，亲爱的，我们倒希望你压根儿就不跟我们说话。我们听了太多太多废话——算了。来吧。你得洗个澡，洗完澡克里斯蒂医生才好见你。你得套件衣裳。哎哟哟，这么小的姑娘！你肯定还不到十六岁！”

She had come close, and made to catch at my arm. I drew away from her.

她走上前来，想抓住我的胳膊。我甩开她的手。

“Right in the face,” said Nurse Spiller, speaking across my words. “Right here, with her head.”

“正好撞在脸上，”斯皮乐护士打断我的话，说道。“就这儿，用她的头。”

“Will you listen to me?” I said.

“你能听我说句话吗？”我说道。

She put her hand to her cheek, close to her nose, where there was the smallest, faintest mark of crimson. My own face, of course, was swollen like a pudding; and I dare say my eye was almost black. But I said, still carefully, “I am sorry I hurt your face. I was only so thrown, to be brought in here, as a lunatic; when all the time it was the other lady, Miss Lilly — Mrs Rivers — that was meant to come.”

她抬手指着自己的面颊，靠近鼻子的地方，有块极小极淡的淤青印子。我的表情，当然了，就好象吞了个布丁下去；甚至可以说眼前一黑。可我还是小心地说下去，“我弄伤了你的脸，我很抱歉。我只是很恼火，被他们当成疯子，带到这儿来；尤其是，一直都说，要来这儿的是一位小姐，李小姐——就是瑞富斯太太。”

“Listen to you? La, if I listened to all the rubbish I heard in this house, I should go mad myself. Come on, now.”

“听你说？哪，如果我听了我在这座房子里能听到的所有的胡言乱语，那我自个儿就得变疯了。好了，来吧。”

Her voice, that had started off mild, grew sharper. She took hold of my arm. I flinched from the feel of her fingers. “Watch her,” said Nurse Spiller, seeing me twitch.

开始她声音挺温和，后来变得凌厉。她抓住我的胳膊。她的手令我浑身一颤。斯皮乐护士见我如此，说道，“当心，”

I said, “If you’ll only not touch me, I’ll go with you, wherever you want.”

我说道，“你要是不碰我，我就跟你走，随便你带我去哪儿。”

“Ho!” said the dark nurse then. “There’s manners. Come with us, will you? Very grateful, I’m sure.”

“嚯！”于是这黑护士说道。“规矩还挺多。跟我们来吧，好不好啊？我将不胜感激。”

She pulled me and, when I tugged against her grip, Nurse Spiller came to help her. They got their hands beneath my arms and more or less lifted me, more or less dragged me, out of the room. When I kicked and complained — which I did, from the shock of it — Nurse Spiller got those great hard fingers of hers into my arm-pit, and jabbed. You can’t see bruises in an arm-pit. I think she knew it. “She’s off!” she said, when I cried out.

她拉着我，见我使劲要挣脱开她的手，斯皮乐护士便上前来帮她。他们架着我的胳肢窝，半抱半拖，将我弄出房间。斯皮乐护士见我两脚乱踢，嘴里抱怨不停——我也是见他们如此，非常震惊，才乱踢乱说的——她就将她巨灵神般的指头伸到我胳肢窝里，死命一戳。你没法看到胳肢窝里的伤痕。我想她心里清楚得很。听我哭叫出声来，她说道，“她乖了！”

“That’s my head ringing for the rest of the day,” said the other. And she gripped me tighter and shook me.

“今天剩下的时间里，我的脑袋都要嗡嗡叫了，”另一位说道。她手上更用力地抓着我，还摇晃我。

Then I grew quiet. I was afraid I should be punched again. But I was also looking hard at the way we were taking — at the windows and the doors. Some doors had locks. All the windows had bars on. They looked over a yard. This was the back part of the house — what should have been, in a house like Briar, the servants’ part. Here it was given over to nurses. We met two or three of them as we walked. They wore aprons and caps, and carried baskets, or bottles, or sheets.

于是我安静下来。我生怕再挨打。不过我还是使劲盯着我们经过的路线——盯着那些门窗。有的门早就锁上了。所有窗户上都钉着铁条。窗子里望出去，外面是块空地。那是医院后面了——象在布莱尔那种地方，那就是给仆人们住的。在这儿，那地方就归护士管。路上我们还碰到三两个护士。他们身穿围裙，头戴护士帽，手里抱着毯子瓶子或张纸。

“Well, they come in all sizes…”

“得了，这些人来的时候什么样儿的都有…”

“Cracked Nancy on the cheek.”

“撞坏了南希的脸。”

I didn’t know what they meant. But being held up for strangers to study, and talk and smile over, made me ashamed, and I kept silent.

我不明白他们的意思。不过让他们拎着，让陌生人研究，议论，笑话，令我备感羞耻，我沉默着没说话。

The new nurse looked more interested. “This one?” she said. “Looks too slight for that.”

那护士的表情更好奇了。“是那个？”她说道。“这样子也太瘦太小了吧？”

The new nurse looked at me, in a considering sort of way. “Sharp-faced,” she said, after a minute. “Ain’t she, though?”

那个护士若有所思地望着我。过了一分钟，她说道，“不过，她一脸精明相，对吧？”

“And the rest,” said the dark nurse. She dropped her voice. “She’s the one — you know?”

“是别的，”那个黑护士说道。她压低声音。“她是那个——你明白吗？”

She whistled. They should bring ’em in bound. Young, though, ain’t she?”

她吹了一声口哨。“他们应该把介人捆起来。不过挺小的，是吧？”

“Good morning,” they all sang out.

“早上好，”他们都这么打招呼。

“I’m seventeen,” I said.

“我十七了。”我说道

“Good morning,” my nurses answered.

“早上好，”我身边的护士答道。

The woman went off on her way and my two nurses gripped me tight again and took me, down another passage, to a little room. It might have once been a pantry it was very like Mrs Stiles’s pantry, at Briar — for there were cupboards, with locks upon them, and an arm-chair and a sink.

那女人继续走她的路，我身边的两个护士又紧紧抓住我，又拖又架，走过另一条走廊，走进一个小房间。这房间以前可能是个储藏室——特别像在布莱尔，斯黛尔太太的储藏室——因为那儿有个碗橱，上着锁，还有一把带扶手的椅子和一个水池。

“What’s her trouble? Delusions?”

“她什么病？妄想狂？”

“Sixteen, if she’s a day.”

“十六岁，如果她活得到。”

“New “un?” one asked at last, with a nod at me. “Come up from the pads? Is she bad?”

“新来的？”最后有个护士冲我点点头问道。“从那个包间里捞出来的？她很？”

“That will do,” she said, when she saw me do that. “Do you think Dr Christie cares how dusty your toes are? Here, now. Let’s see your linen.” She caught hold of the hem of my shimmy, then turned her head to Nurse Spiller, who nodded.

她见我如此，便说道，“就这么办，你以为克里斯蒂医生关心你的脚指头有多脏吗？行了，好了。让我看看你的内衣。”她一把抓住我内衣的边儿，又扭头去看斯皮乐护士，后者点点头。

Nurse Spiller sat down in the chair, giving a great sigh as she did so. The other nurse put water in the sink. She showed me a slip of yellow soap and a dirty flannel.

斯皮乐护士坐到那把椅子里，一边坐还一边长长地叹了口气。另一个护士在水池里放水。她拿给我一片黄色的肥皂，和一条脏兮兮的法兰绒毛巾。

The water was cold. I wet my face and arms, then made to wash my feet.

水很凉。我洗过脸和胳膊，又被他们押着洗了脚。

“Here you are,” she said. And then, when I did nothing: “Come on. You’ve hands, haven’t you? Let’s see you wash.”

“给你，”她说道。随后，见我一动不动：“来吧。你自己有手，不是吗？让我们看看你洗手。”

“Good, ain’t it? Too good for this house. That’ll boil up to nothing, that will.” She gave it a tug. “You take that off, dear. We shall keep it, quite safe, against the day you leave us. — What, are you shy?”

“好料子，对吧？对这个地方来说，好过头了。肯定一煮就没了，肯定是。”她用力拽了一把。“你把这个脱了，亲爱的。我们会保管它的，好好保管，直到你离开我们的那一天。——怎么了？你不好意思？”

“Shy?” said Nurse Spiller, yawning. “Don’t waste our time. And you, a married lady.”

“不好意思？”斯皮乐护士边打哈欠边说道。“别浪费我们的时间。而且你，是结过婚的。”

“I ain’t married,” I said. “And I’ll thank you both to keep your hands off my linen. I want my own gown back, and my stockings and shoes. I need only speak with Dr Christie, and then you’ll be sorry.”

“我没结过婚，”我说道。“你俩的手放开我的内衣我会感激不尽的。我要穿我自己的衣裳，我自己的袜子和鞋。我只需要跟克里斯蒂医生谈谈，然后你们就知道对不起我了。”

“What’s that?” they said at once. Then they saw it was only a glove. They looked at the stitching inside the wrist.

“那是什么？”他们马上说。然后他们看到只是一只手套，还看到手套腕部内侧的绣线。

“Hoity-toity!” cried the dark nurse. She wiped her eyes. “Dear me. Come, now. It’s no use growing sulky. We must have your linen — it’s nothing to me and Nurse Spiller, it’s the rules of the house. Here’s a new set, look, and a gown and — look here — slippers.”

“还装—还装！”那个黑护士叫道。她抹抹眼睛。“笑死我了。来吧，好了。绷着脸可不管用。我们必须让你脱了内衣——这跟我和斯皮乐护士都没关系，这是医院的规定。这里有套新的，瞧，还有件衣裳，还有——瞧这儿——鞋子。”

They looked at me and laughed.

他们望着我，哈哈大笑起来。

She had gone to one of the cupboards and brought out a set of greyish underthings, and a wool gown, and boots. She came back to me, holding them, and Nurse Spiller joined her; and it was no good then how hard I argued and cursed, they got hold of me and stripped me bare. When they took off my petticoat, that glove of Maud’s fell out. I had had it under the waistband. I bent and caught it up.

她已走到橱柜前，拿出一套灰兮兮的内衣，一件羊毛衣裳，和一双鞋。她走回我身边，抓着那些衣裳，斯皮乐护士跟她一道；而当时我争辩诅咒得多么凶，都无济于事，他们抓牢我，把我剥光了。他们脱掉我胸衣的时候，那只莫德的手套掉了出来。我原先把它放在腰带里的。我弯腰拾起了手套。

“You shan’t have it!” I cried, snatching it back. They had taken my clothes and my shoes; but I had walked and torn and bitten that glove all night, it was all I had to keep my nerve up. I had the idea that, if they were to take it, I should be like a Samson shorn.

“你不能拿走这个！”我叫道，又一把夺回来。他们拿走了我的衣裳和鞋；而我整夜都走来走去，拿着手套，又扯又咬，只有那手套能让我头脑保持警醒。我还想到，如果让他们拿走手套，那我就会变成那个剪了头发的叁孙（a Samson shorn）。

“Here’s your own name, Maud,” they said. “That’s pretty work, that is.”

“这儿有你的名字，莫德。”他们说道。“做工很漂亮，很漂亮。”

Perhaps they noticed a look in my eye.

可能他们也注意到我的眼神了。

So they let me keep it; and then I stood limp and let them dress me, through fear they would change their minds.

于是他们让我留着那手套；然后我软绵绵地站着，由他们给我穿衣裳，一直担心他们会改了主意。

The gown was meant to be a tartan, but the colours had run. The stockings were short, like a boy’s. The shoes were of india-rubber.

那衣裳原本是花格子的，可颜色都掉得差不多了。袜子也太短，像是男式的。鞋子是一双胶鞋。

“One glove’s no use, after all,” said the dark nurse to Nurse Spiller, quietly. “And remember Miss Taylor, who had the buttons on a thread that she called her babies? Why, she’d take the hand off, that tried to get a hold of one of those!”

“单只手套根本就没啥用处。”黑护士悄悄对斯皮乐护士说道。“记得泰勒小姐吗，她有串扣子，串在绳上，她还称之为她的小宝贝？哎呀，她宁可拉断手，也要死死抓住个小扣子不松手！”

“Here you are, Cinderella,” said the dark nurse, putting them on me. And then, looking me over: “Well! You shall bounce like a ball all right, in those!”

黑护士把那些衣物套到我身上，说道“都给你，灰姑娘。”然后，上下打量着我：“好了！给这些衣裳一包，你简直可以象个球一样在里面晃荡啦！”

The clothes were all madhouse things. The corset had hooks instead of laces, and was too big for me. — “Never mind,” they said, laughing. They had chests like boats. “Plenty of room for growing in.”

那些衣裳都是疯人院的东西。紧身褡上用挂钩取代了带子，我穿上太大了。——“别放在心上。”他们大笑。笑得花枝乱颤，胸部如小船般起伏不止。“宽松一点好给你长身体嘛。”

They laughed again then, for quite a minute. Then they did this. They sat me in the chair and combed my hair and made it into plaits; and they took out a needle and cotton, and sewed the plaits to my head.

他们又哈哈大笑，笑了好半天。然后他们是这么来的。他们让我坐在椅子上，帮我梳头，把我头发辫成几条辫子；又拿出针和棉线，将辫子扎在头上。

“Let me see to it,” said Nurse Spiller. She finished it off — two or three times, as if by accident, putting the point of the needle to my scalp. That is another place that don’t show cuts and bruises.

“让我瞧瞧，”斯皮乐护士说道。她扎好了辫子，有两三回，好象不经意地，将针头扎到我头皮上。那又是个没法看到伤痕的地方。

“It’s this, or cut it,” the dark nurse said when I struggled; “and no skin off my nose either way.”

我一挣扎，黑护士便说，“要么这样，要么剪掉。不管怎么搞，都跟我一点关系也没有。”

“This ain’t fair!” I said. “This ain’t fair, at all!”

“这不公平！”我说道。“这太不公平了！”

“Mind, now, you remember your manners,” they said as we walked. “Start going off your head again, we shall have you back in the pads, or plunge you.”

去病房的路上，他们说，“注意，现在，你要牢记你的规矩。再敢乱甩脑袋，我们就把你送回包间，或者给你泡个澡。”

And so, between the two of them they got me ready; and then they took me to the room that was to be mine.

于是，坐在他俩中间，他们将我收拾停当。然后他们将我带到我的病房。

They shook me, and did not answer. So then I fell silent and, again, tried hard to study the way they took me. I was also growing afraid. I had had an idea in my head — that I think I had got from a picture, or a play — of how a madhouse should be; and so far, this house was not like it. I thought, “They have got me in the place where the doctors and nurses live. Now they’ll take me to the mad bit.” — I think I supposed it would be something like a dungeon or a gaol.

他们摇撼着我，并不作答。于是我陷入沉默，又开始仔细留心他们带我走的路线。我心里也慢慢变得恐惧起来。以前，我头脑里有个疯人院应当如何如何的概念——从画片还是戏剧里看来的；而现如今，这地方实在不象疯人院。我心想，“他们先带我去的是医生护士住的地方。现在他们要带我去疯子住的地方了。”我想，我认为那应该是个象地牢，或者监狱的地方。

But we walked only down more drab-coloured corridors, past door after drab-coloured door, and I began to look about me and see little things — such as, the lamps being ordinary brass ones, but with strong wire guards about the flames; and the doors having fancy latches, but ugly locks; and the walls having, here and there, handles, that looked as though they might, if you turned them, ring bells.

不过，我们只是走过了条条发黄的通道，穿过一扇又一扇浅黄色的门，我看看周围，看到些零碎的事物——诸如，原本是普通无奇的铜灯，火苗上头却包着粗粗的铁丝；门上的门闩挺别致，却装着难看的锁。墙壁上装着把手，随处可见，看上去好象，只要你扳一下，这把手就能叫响铃铛。

And finally it broke upon me that this was the madhouse after all; that it had once been an ordinary gentleman’s house; that the walls had used to have pictures and looking-glasses on them, and the floors had used to have rugs; but that now, it had all been made over to madwomen — that it was, in its way, like a smart and handsome person gone mad itself.

最后，这玩意让我一下回过味来，这里确而其实，是个疯人院；这房子以前曾经是一座普通的绅士宅院；那些墙上曾经挂过画和镜子，地板上铺过地毯；但是到了当时，这房子已经完全让给了疯女人们——这房子就好象如同一个聪明英俊的人，以其特有的方式，自己疯掉了。

“Come on,” said Nurse Spiller, giving me a prod.

斯皮乐护士戳了我一记，说道，“来吧，”

And I can’t say why, but somehow the idea was worse and put me in more of a creep than if the place had looked like a dungeon after all. I shuddered and slowed my step, then almost stumbled. The india-rubber boots were hard to walk in.

我也不知道为什么，但不知怎么的，这个想法更糟糕，让我觉得更像是个地牢。我战栗不止，不由放慢了脚步，随即险些跌倒。脚下的胶鞋穿上了就不好走路了。

“Fourteen. Here we are.”

“十四号。我们到了。”

“Which do we want?” asked the other nurse, looking at the doors.

“我们去哪一间？”另一个护士望着众多房门问道。

All the doors had little plates screwed to them. We stopped at one of them, and Nurse Spiller gave a knock, then put a key to the lock and turned it. The key was a plain one, shined from use. She kept it on a chain inside her pocket.

所有的房门上都铆着一块小牌子。我们在一扇房门前停住，斯皮乐护士敲了一下门，然后将一把钥匙插进锁眼，转动起来。钥匙是把普通钥匙，闪着光，因为经常用。她口袋里有条链子拴着这把钥匙。

The wooden wall had glass at the top, that let in light from a window beyond it, but the room had no window of its own. The air was close. There were four beds in it, along with a cot where a nurse slept. Three of the beds had women beside them, getting dressed. One bed was bare.

木板墙上端镶着玻璃，好让光线从玻璃之外的一扇窗户里透进来，不过这房间自己并没有窗户。空气挺憋闷的。房里有四张床，还有一张给护士睡的吊床。三张床边上已经有人了，他们正在穿衣裳。还有一张床空着。

The room she took us into was not a proper room, but had been made, by the building of a wooden wall, inside another. — For, as I said, that house had been all chopped up and made crazy.

她带我们进去的房间，可不是一般的房间，而是用木板墙在另一个房间中隔出来的屋子。——因为，正如我说过的，这房子早就被人切割得零星细碎，早就被逼疯了。

“This is to be yours,” said Nurse Spiller, taking me to it. It was placed very near the nurse’s cot. “This is where we puts our questionable ladies. Try a queer trick here, Nurse Bacon shall know all about it. Shan’t you, Nurse Bacon?”

斯皮乐护士带我走到那张空床前，说道，“这就是你的床了，”那张床跟护士的吊床挨得很近。“想在这儿耍什么古怪的花招，培根护士都一目了然。对吗？培根护士？”

“Sixteen,” said the dark nurse.

“十六。”黑护士说道。

This was the nurse of that room. “Oh, yes,” she said. She nodded and rubbed her hands. She had some ailment that made her fingers very fat and pink, like sausages — an unlucky ailment, I suppose, for someone with a name like hers — and she liked to rub them often. She looked me over in the same cool way that all the other nurses had, and she said, as they had, “Young, ain’t you?”

这就是那间病房的护士。“噢，是的。”她说道。她点点头，搓了搓手。她有某种小毛病，让她的手指头又红又肿，像香肠一样——一种倒霉的小毛病，我猜想，专找跟她名字一样的人——她喜欢经常搓手。她跟别的护士一样，冷冰冰地上下打量着我，然后跟他们一样，她也说道，“挺年轻的，不是吗？”

“Seventeen,” I said.

“十七了。”我说道。

“Sixteen? We should call you the child of the house, if it weren’t for Betty. Look here, Betty! Here’s a fresh young lady, look, almost your age. I should say she can run very quick up and down a set of stairs. I should say she’s got neat ways. Eh, Betty?”

“十六？要是没有贝蒂，那我们真要叫你小毛头了。瞧这儿，贝蒂！新来了一个年轻的小姐，看，跟你差不多大呢。我说她肯定能在楼梯上飞快地跑几个来回呢。我说她肯定手脚麻利，很会做事，嗯？贝蒂？”

She had called to a woman who stood at the bed across from mine, pulling a gown on over a great fat stomach. I thought her a girl at first; but when she turned and showed her face, I saw that she was quite grown-up, but a simpleton. She looked at me in a troubled sort of way, and the nurses laughed.

她叫的是站在我对角床旁边的女人，这女人正将横在将军肚上的衣裳往下拽。起先我以为她是个姑娘；但当她转过身来，给我看到她的脸，我看到她发育得很好了，却是个傻子。她神色烦乱地望着我。护士们哈哈大笑起来。

I found out later that they used her more or less as they would a servant, and had her running every sort of chore; though she was — if you could believe it — the daughter of a very grand family.

后来我发现，他们多多少少地，都把她当成佣人使唤，这正合他们的嘴脸（as they would），他们还让她去做各项日常杂务；虽然她是——如果你能相信——某个非常显赫的家庭的女儿。

She ducked her head while the nurses laughed, and cast a few sly looks at my feet — as if to see for herself how quick they might be, really. At last one of the other two women said quietly, “Don’t mind them, Betty. They seek only to provoke you.”

听到护士们的笑声，她迅速低下脑袋，也不忘偷偷瞄几眼我的脚——好象真的要亲眼看看，我的脚能有多利索。最后，另外两个女人中的一位轻轻说道，“别听他们的，贝蒂。他们就是要惹你生气。”

“Who spoke to you?” said Nurse Spiller at once.

“谁跟你说话了？”斯皮乐护士立即说道。

The woman worked her lips. She was old, and slight, and very pale in the cheek. She caught my eye, then glanced away as if ashamed.

那女人嘴巴动了动，她又老又瘦小，两颊异常苍白。她与我对视一眼，目光随即转向别处，好象挺难为情的。

She seemed harmless enough; but I looked at her, and at Betty, and at the other woman there — a woman who stood, gazing at nothing, pulling her hair before her face — and I thought that, for all I knew, they might be so many maniacs; and here was I, being obliged to make a bed among them.

她似乎是个全然无害的人；不过我看看她，又看看贝蒂，再看看旁边的另一个女人——她站在那儿，目光茫然，拽着面孔前面的头发——而我一想到，就我所知，他们可能会非常狂躁；我到了这儿，被逼无奈与他们共处一室。

“Can’t we?” said Nurse Spiller. “I think we know the law. Your order’s been signed, ain’t it?”

“我们不能？”斯皮乐护士说道。“我认为我们清楚规章制度。你的订单已经签了，不是吗？”

I went to the nurses. I said, “I won’t stay here. You can’t make me.”

我走到护士面前，说道，“我不会待在这儿。你不能把我怎么样。”

“But this is all a mistake!”

“可是那都搞错了！”

Nurse Bacon yawned and rolled her eyes. The dark nurse sighed. “Come, Maud,” she said. “That’s enough.”

培根护士打了个哈欠，又转转眼珠。黑护士叹息道，“来吧，莫德，闹够了。”

She caught Nurse Bacon’s eye. “Hear that? She will speak like that, by the hour.”

她跟培根护士对视一眼。“听到没？到时候，她还要这么讲。”

Nurse Bacon put her knuckles to her hips and rubbed them.

培根护士的手指指节蹭蹭屁股。

“My name ain’t Maud,” I answered. “How many times do I have to tell you? It ain’t Maud Rivers!”

“我不叫莫德，”我答道，“我跟你们说了多少遍了？不是莫德。瑞富斯！”

That stopped them laughing. They caught hold of me, and shook me; and Nurse Spiller hit me again about the face — upon the same spot as before — though not so hard.

一听这话，他们不笑了。他们抓住我，摇晃着我；斯皮乐护士又给了我一记耳光——正打在上回她打到的地方上——虽然没用太大力气。我猜想，她以为旧伤能掩盖新伤。

Still rubbing her own hands against her skirt, she gazed at mine. I gazed with her. My fingers looked like Maud’s. I put them behind my back. I said, “I only got hands so white through being maid to a lady. It was that lady that tricked me. I –“

她两手还在裙子上摩擦不停。她盯着我，我也盯着她。我的手看上去跟莫德的差不多。我把手藏到身后。说道，“我手长得这么白，只不过因为我服侍过一位小姐。就是那个小姐耍了我。我——”

“Maid to a lady!” The nurses laughed again.

“服侍了一位小姐！”护士们又哈哈大笑。

I stamped my foot. “For fuck’s sake!” I cried.

我跺着脚叫道，“操你妈的！”

“Well, don’t that take the cake! We got plenty girls suppose themselves duchesses. I never met one that thought herself a duchess’s maid! Dear me, that’s novel, that is. We shall have to put you in the kitchen, give you polish and a cloth.”

“得了吧，再别说鬼话了！我们有好多姑娘，整天以为自个儿是公爵夫人。我还从没见过有谁以为他自个儿是公爵夫人的女仆呢！笑死我了，这可真稀奇，真稀奇啊。我们早就该把你派到厨房去，再给你发一套干活儿的家什。”

“Don’t care to speak nicely?” she said. “Ain’t that a shame! Perhaps she’d like a situation as a nurse. See how she’d like that. Spoil her white little hands, though.”

“不喜欢好好说话是吗？”她说道。“可真不知羞耻！说不定她会喜欢当护士的感觉。瞧着吧，她该多喜欢当护士。虽然当护士会把她又白又嫩的小手弄粗了。”

“There, now you’ve set them off!” said Nurse Spiller. “And here’s the doctors due, any minute.”

“行了，你现在把他们都招起来了！”斯皮乐护士说道。“到医生查房时间了，要查好久的。”

I suppose she thought the old bruise would cover up the new. The pale old woman saw her do it and gave a cry. Betty, the idiot girl, began to moan.

那个苍白的老妇人见她打了我，不由尖叫一声。贝蒂，那个稀里糊涂的姑娘，也开始叨叨。

The doctors were like kings to them. Nurse Bacon went to Betty, to bully her out of her tears. The dark nurse ran to the old woman.

对他们来说，医生就是皇上。培根护士走到贝蒂身边，凶巴巴地要把她的眼泪吓回去。黑护士跑到老妇人面前。

She shook me again, then let me stagger away so she might put straight her apron.

她又摇晃我，然后放开我，任我踉踉跄跄地歪到一边，她好整理她的围裙。

“You finish fastening your buttons, you creature!” she said, waving her arms.

“你这个家伙，再不要系纽扣了！”她挥舞着胳膊说道。

“And you, Mrs Price, you take your hair from out your mouth this instant. Haven’t I told you a hundred times, you shall swallow a ball of it, and choke? I’m sure I don’t know why I warn you, we should all be glad if you did…”

“还有你，皮瑞斯太太，你马上把头发从嘴巴里拿出来。我不是跟你说过几百次吗，你会把头发吞下去噎住的？！我真不明白为什么我要提醒你，要是你吞了…我们都要高兴死了！”

I looked at the door. Nurse Spiller had left it open, and I wondered if I might reach it if I ran.

我望着门。门敞着，斯皮乐护士忘了，我心里盘算起来，如果我跑过去，能不能跑到门口。

But from the room next to ours — and then, from all down the corridor, from all the other rooms we had passed — there came, as I wondered, the sound of doors being unlocked and opened; and then the grumbling voices of nurses, the odd shriek. Somewhere, a bell was rung. That was the signal that meant the doctors were coming.

可是，正在我盘算的当口儿，从隔壁房间——随即，从所有的通道里，从我们经过的所有房间——传来开锁开门的声音；然后是护士们的抱怨，还有奇异的尖叫声。某处有个铃铛叮叮叮响起来。那是个信号，表示医生们要来了。

And I thought, after all, that I should make a far better case for myself in standing and talking quietly with Dr Christie, than in running at him in a pair of rubber boots.

而我当时心想，无论如何，我得为我自己选择了站在那儿，跟克里斯蒂医生轻轻说几句话，而不是选择穿着双胶鞋，从他身上奔过去，来找个更有力的理由。

I moved close to my bed, putting my knee to it to keep my leg from trembling; and I felt for my hair, meaning to tidy it — forgetting, for the moment, that they had stitched it to my head.

我靠近床，膝盖贴到床边上，好让我的腿不再哆嗦；我还想到我的头发，想整理一下——那一刻，全忘了我的头发都扎在头上呢。

The dark nurse went off, running. The rest of us stood in silence, listening out for the sound of the doctors’ footsteps. Nurse Spiller shook her finger at me. “You watch your filthy tongue, you trollop,” she said.

黑护士走开了，跑了。我们剩下的人都静静地站着，聆听着医生的脚步声。斯皮乐护士冲我摇摇手指头。“你当心你的脏舌头，你个荡妇。”她说。

We waited for about ten minutes, then there was a stir in the passage and Dr Christie and Dr Graves came walking very quickly into the room, their heads bent over Dr Graves’s note-book.

我们等了大概十分钟，这时走廊里出现一阵动静，克里斯蒂医生和格里夫斯医生快步走进房间，二人都低头看着格里夫斯医生笔记本。

He put his hand to his pocket and brought out a piece of sugar. She took it, and curtseyed.

他手伸进口袋，拿出一块糖。她接过糖块，行了个屈膝礼。

“Dear ladies, good morning,” said Dr Christie, looking up. He went first to Betty. “How are you, Betty? Good girl. You want your medicine, of course.”

“亲爱的女士们，早上好，”克里斯蒂医生抬起头说道。他先走到贝蒂身边。“你好，贝蒂。好姑娘。当然，你想吃药了。”

“Good girl,” he said again. Then, moving past her: “Mrs Price. The nurses tell me you have been giving in to tears. That is not good. What will your husband say? Shall he be pleased to think you melancholy? Hmm? And all your children? What shall they think?”

“好姑娘，”他又说道。然后，走过她身边：“皮瑞斯太太。护士告诉我，你老是哭个不停。这样可不好。你丈夫会怎么说呢？满怀哀愁地想念你，会令他高兴起来吗？嗯？还有你的孩子们？他们会怎么想？”

“Miss Wilson, what complaints have you for us today?” asked Dr Christie.

“威尔森小姐，今天你要跟我们发什么牢骚？”克里斯蒂医生问道。

She worked her mouth; then said, after a minute: “A curb.”

她动动嘴巴；过了一分钟，说道：“缰绳。”

“You will find the food wholesome enough, Miss Wilson, if you will only sample it.”

“只要你品尝一下，威尔森小姐，你就会发现这些食物足够有益健康了。”

“The want of pure air,” she said quickly.

“想有点纯净的空气。”她飞快地说道。

“Your tongue, Miss Wilson! What do we keep upon it? Hmm?”

“你的舌头，威尔森小姐！我们在上面加了什么？嗯？”

He took her wrist, all the time murmuring to Dr Graves, who finally made some note in his book. Then they walked to the pale old lady.

他抓着她的手腕，一直在跟格里夫斯医生窃窃私语，最后格里夫斯医生在本子上记了几句。然后他们走向那个苍白的老妇。

“A tonic, for shattered nerves. You know this, Miss Wilson.”

“那是一种补品，专补，这个你明白的，威尔森小姐。”

“The frigid water.”

“冰冷刺骨的水。”

“That is right. A curb. Very good. Draw it tight. Nurse Spiller — ” He turned and called the nurse to him, and spoke to her quietly.

“这就对了。缰绳。非常好。拴紧一点。斯皮乐护士——”他转身，将护士叫到身边，轻轻对她说了几句。

“Hmm?”

“嗯？”

“And of wholesome food.”

“还要有益健康的食物。”

She moved her lips, and swayed on her feet. Then all at once she cried out: “Thieves!”

她嘴唇动动，两腿晃了晃，随后，她忽然大叫一声：“都是贼！”

I jumped at the sound. Dr Christie looked up at her. That’s enough,” he said. “Remember your tongue. What have you upon it?”

我给这声音吓得跳了起来。克里斯蒂医生盯着她。“够了，”他说道。“想想你的舌头。你舌头上有过什么东西？”

“Yes, yes.” He looked at Dr Graves’s book.

“好的，好的，”他望着格里夫斯的本子。

“Well, we have heard them many times. You need not repeat them.”

“好了，我们已经听了好多遍了。你不必重复了。”

She answered in a whisper: “I don’t know, sir.”

她小声回答：“我不知道，先生。”

“Thieves! Devils!”

“贼！恶魔！”

“None but the usual ones,” she answered.

“没牢骚，都是老生常谈。”她答道。

“Mrs Rivers.” He took my hand about the wrist, not smiling. “How are you?”

“瑞富斯太太，”他抓住我的手腕，笑也不笑。“你还好吗？”

He turned and came towards me.

他转过身，径直朝我走来。

“Sir,” I said. “Sir, I –“

“先生，”我说道，“先生，我——”

Miss Wilson put her hands to her mouth, as if to feel for a chain; and again, she caught my eye, and her fingers fluttered, and she seemed ashamed. I should have been sorry for her, at any other time; but for now, if they had laid her and ten more ladies like her down upon the floor and told me my way out was across their backs, I’d have run it with clogs on. I waited only until Dr Christie had finished giving his instructions to the nurse, and then I licked my mouth and leaned and said, “Dr Christie, sir!”

威尔森小姐双手放在嘴上，仿佛在体味一根链条；再一次地，她吸引住了我的目光，她双手颤抖着，似乎颇为羞惭。换了别的时候，我会为她感到难过；可是眼下，如果他们让她躺下，再有十个象她这样的女人都躺到地上，再跟我说，我得跨过他们的身子，才好出去，那我鞋子也得跑掉了。我一直等到克里斯蒂医生指点完护士，我舔舔嘴唇，探着身子说道，“克里斯蒂医生，先生！”

“Pulse rather rapid,” he said quietly, to Dr Graves. Dr Graves made a note of it. He turned back to me. “You have hurt your face, I am sorry to see.”

“脉搏太快，”他轻轻地对格里夫斯医生说道。格里夫斯医生便将这句话记下来。他转去过背对着我。“看到你脸上的伤，我很难过。”

Nurse Spiller spoke before I could. “Cast herself to the floor, Dr Christie,” she said, “while in the grip of her fit.”

斯皮乐护士抢在我前面开口说道，“克里斯蒂医生，她一发病，就自个儿往地上撞。”

“Ah, yes. You see, Mrs Rivers, the violence of the condition in which you arrived here. I hope you slept?”

“啊，是的。你看到了，瑞富斯太太，你所在的这个地方环境之暴力，之暴躁。我希望你睡得还好？”

“I am not Maud Rivers!”

“我不是莫德。瑞富斯！”

“So I did,” he said slowly. “And you told me how you feared for your mistress’s health; how you wished she might be kept quiet and free from harm. For sometimes it is easier — is it not? — to ask for assistance in behalf of another, than for ourselves? We understand you, Mrs Rivers, very well.”

正是如此，“他慢慢说道。”你告诉我你多么担心你家小姐的健康；你多么希望她能安静地生活，远离伤害。因为有时候，从他人的行为中获取便利，比从我们自身的行为中获取便利，要更容易一些。我们非常理解你，瑞富斯太太。

“Dr Christie,” I said, more loudly.

“克里斯蒂医生，”我说道，我声音更响了。

“Mrs Rivers? For God’s sake, how can I be her? I stood and saw her married. You came to me, and heard me speak. I –“

“瑞富斯太太？看在上帝的份上，我怎么会是瑞富斯太太？我站在旁边，眼看着她结了婚。你来了，听了我的话。我——”

“I’m not staying here,” I said.

“我不会待在这儿，”我说道。

“Pulse quickening, now,” he murmured.

“现在脉搏加快了。”他喃喃道。

“Is that so?” He had narrowed his eyes and was looking into my mouth. “Teeth sound enough, I think. Gums may be putrid, however. — You must tell us, if they start troubling you.”

“是这样吗？”他眯缝起眼睛，死盯着我的嘴巴。“我想，牙齿够坚固了。不过，牙床可能烂了。——如果你的牙床开始令你不适的话，你必须告诉我们。”

I pulled my hand away. “Will you listen to me? You have got me here, by mistake.”

我抽回手。“你能听我说一句吗？你带我来这儿，完全搞错了。”

“Not staying, Mrs Rivers?”

“不待在这儿？瑞富斯太太？”

“Dear, dear. We cannot have that. I shall have the nurses give you a draught. You shall never grow well, without slumber.”

“亲爱的，亲爱的。我们可不能这样。我会让护士给你一剂药的。不睡觉，你永远都好不起来。”

“Slept? No, I –“

“睡觉？不，我——”

He nodded to Nurse Bacon. She nodded back.

他对培根护士点点头。她点头回应。

“Her husband, I tell you! I saw them married. You may find out the vicar that did it. You may bring Mrs Cream!”

“是她的丈夫，我跟你说！我亲眼看着他们结婚。你可以去找主持婚礼的教区牧师。你可以去问克里姆太太！”

“Your husband.”

“你的丈夫。”

“Come, come,” he went on. “That is all your fancy, is it not?”

“说呀，说呀，”他继续说道。“这就是你全部的幻想，不是吗？”

“I am not Maud Rivers! My name is Susan –“

“我不是莫德。瑞富斯！我叫苏珊——”

“Susan Smith,” I said finally.

“苏珊。史密斯。”我最后说道。

“Susan Smith. Of — where was it, Dr Graves? Of Whelk Street, Mayfair?”

“苏珊。史密斯。是——哪里人，格里夫斯医生？是梅费儿，威尔克街的人？”

“Richard Rivers,” I answered.

“理查德·瑞富斯”我回答。

I did not answer.

我没回答。

He raised a finger, and almost smiled. “You are not ready to admit that you are Maud Rivers. Hmm? That is quite a different thing. And when you are ready to admit to it, our work shall be done. Until then –“

他伸出一根指头，简直要笑起来了。“你还不准备承认你就是莫德。瑞富斯。嗯？这确实是件让人为难的事儿。等你准备好了，接受了这个事实，我们的工作就完成了。到时候再——”

But here, for the first time, I faltered.

可就在这时，我第一次，动摇了。

“It was Gentleman’s fancy,” I said, thrown off. “That devil –!”

“这是绅士的幻想，”我脱口而出。“那个恶魔——！”

“Which gentleman, Mrs Rivers?”

“哪个绅士，瑞富斯太太？”

“You shan’t keep me here. You shan’t! You keep me, while those swindling villains –“

“你不能把我关在这儿。你不能！你把我关在这儿，而那些个邪恶的骗子——”

“Yes?”

“哦？”

“Her husband.”

“她的丈夫。”

“Mrs Cream, the lady you lodged with? We spoke at length with her. She told us, very sadly, of the melancholy temper that stole upon you, in her house.”

“克里姆太太，就是供你借宿的那位女士？我们跟她详细地谈过。她非常惋惜地告诉我们，在她家里，忧郁的情绪悄悄降临到你身上。”

“Ah.”

“啊。”

He folded his arms. “Which swindling villains, Mrs Rivers?”

他双臂交抱。“哪些个邪恶的骗子？瑞富斯太太？”

“She was speaking of Maud.”

“她说的是莫德。”

“She was speaking of Maud, not me. You bring her here. You show her my face, see what she says then. Bring anyone here that has known Maud Lilly and me. Bring Mrs Stiles, the housekeeper at Briar. Bring old Mr Lilly!”

“她说的是莫德，不是我。你把她找来。你让她看看我，到时候再听听她怎么说。找认识我和李莫德的人来，随便什么人都可以。找斯黛尔太太来，她是布莱尔的管家。找李老先生来！”

He shook his head. “And don’t you think,” he said, “your own husband might be supposed to know you, as well as your uncle? And your maid? She stood before us, and spoke of you, and wept.” He lowered his voice. “What had you done to her, hmm, to make her do that?”

他摇摇头。“你不会是以为，”他说道，“难道你不觉得，人们认为你的丈夫肯定认得你，你舅舅也同样认得你？还有你的女仆？她站在我们面前，说起你，她哭个不停。”他压低了声音。“你把她怎么着了，嗯？把她逼成那样？”

“Oh!” I said, twisting my hands together. (“See her colour change now, Dr Graves,” he said softly.) “She wept, to trick you! She’s nothing but an actress!”

“噢！”我双手绞在一起说道。（“快看她的脸色变化，格里夫斯医生，”他柔声说道。）“她哭鼻子，是要骗过你们！她什么都不是，就是个不折不扣的女戏子！”

“Of course.”

“当然。”

“An actress? Your maid?”

“女戏子？你的女仆？”

“Maud Lilly! Don’t you hear me? Maud Lilly and Richard Rivers. They have put me here — they have cheated and tricked me — they have made you think me her, and her me!”

“李莫德！你没听到我说话吗？李莫德和理查德。瑞富斯。他们把我送到这儿——他们骗了我，他们耍了我——他们让你以为我是她，她是我！”

He shook his head again, and drew close his brows; and again, he almost smiled. Then he said, slowly and very easily: “But, my dear Mrs Rivers, why should they go to the trouble of doing that?”

他又摇摇头，眉毛拧紧了；又是一脸似笑非笑的表情。然后他缓慢而又轻松地说道：“可是，我亲爱的瑞富斯太太，他们为什么要费那个力气？”

He nodded to Dr Graves, and they began to move off.

他冲格里夫斯医生点点头，二人便抬脚要走。

“Mrs Rivers?” he said.

“瑞富斯太太？”他说道。

I opened my mouth. Then I closed it. For, what could I say? I still supposed that if I only told him the truth, he would believe it. But the truth was I had plotted to steal a lady’s fortune; that I had made myself out a servant, when I was really a thief. If I had not been so afraid, and so tired, and so bruised from my night in the pads, I might have thought up a clever story. Now I could not think, at all. Nurse Bacon rubbed her hands and yawned. Dr Christie still watched me, with a humouring expression on his face.

我嘴张了张，随即又闭上。因为，我能说什么呢？我仍旧以为只要我告诉他真相，他就会相信。可是真相是我处心积虑地要谋取一位女士的财产；我还装扮成佣人，而我其实是个小偷。经过包间的那一夜，我已惊惧交加，疲惫非常，伤痕累累，要不然我肯定能想出一个绝妙的故事。这会儿我压根就没法思考。培根护士搓着手，打了个哈欠。克里斯蒂医生还望着我，脸上带着滑稽的表情。

“Ah.”

“啊。”

I did not look at her. I watched Dr Christie turn from me, and saw beyond him the pale old lady, her fingers still chafing at her mouth; and the sad-faced woman with her hair pulled all before her eyes; and Betty, the idiot girl, her lip gleaming with sugar; and I grew wild again. I thought, “I don’t care if they put me in a prison for it! Better a prison, with thieves and murderesses, than a madhouse!” I said, “Dr Christie, sir! Dr Graves! Listen to me!”

我没看她。我看到克里斯蒂医生转过身去，看到他前面站着那个苍白的老妇人，她手还在擦嘴巴；那个哭丧着脸的女人头发都挡在眼门前；贝蒂，那个傻姑娘，她吃了糖，嘴唇泛着光；我又变的狂躁了。我心想，“我可不在乎他们为了这事把我关进监狱！关着小偷和杀人犯的监狱也比疯人院强！”我说道，“克里斯蒂医生，先生！格里夫斯医生！听我说！”

“Wait! Wait!” I cried.

“等等！等等！”我叫道。

Nurse Spiller came forward. “That’s enough from you,” she said. “You are wasting the doctors’ time.”

斯皮乐护士冲过来。“你叫别人受够了，”她说道，“你在浪费医生的时间。”

“I don’t know,” I answered at last.

“我不知道，”最后我说道。

“That’s enough,” said Nurse Spiller again. “Don’t you know what busy men the doctors are? Don’t you think they got better things to do than hear all your nonsense? Get back!”

“够了，”斯皮乐护士又说道。“难道你不知道医生是多忙的人吗？难道你因为他们都没正事做了，要来听你的废话？回去！”

I had stepped after Dr Christie and was reaching for his coat. “Please, sir,” I said. “Listen to me. I haven’t been perfectly straight with you. My name ain’t Susan Smith, after all.”

我已走到克里斯蒂医生身后，正伸手去抓他的衣裳。“求你了，先生，”我说道，“听我说一句吧。我一直都没有真正坦率地跟你说过。我其实也不叫苏珊。史密斯。”

“Susan Trinder, sir. Sue Trinder, of — ” I was about to say, Lant Street; then knew that of course I must not say it, for fear it should lead the police to Mr Ibbs’s shop. I closed my eyes and shook my head. My brain felt hot. Dr Christie drew himself from my hand.

“苏珊。钱德，先生。苏珊。钱德，我是——”我本想说，蓝特街；随即想起，我当然不能说出这个地方，因为我担心说了之后，会把警察引到艾伯斯先生的铺子里去。我闭上双眼，摇了摇头。我感觉头脑发热。克里斯蒂医生甩开我的手。

He had made to shake me off. Now he turned a little to me. “Mrs Rivers,” he began.

他用力想甩开我，侧身看着我，“瑞富斯太太，”他开口了。

“You must not touch my coat,” he said, his voice grown sterner. I clutched it again. “Only hear me out, I beg you! Only let me tell you or the terrible plot I was made to be part of, by Richard Rivers. That devil! He is laughing at you, sir! He is laughing at all of us! He has stolen a fortune. He has fifteen thousand pounds!”

“你不能碰我的衣裳，”他说道，声音也变得严厉。我又抓住他的衣裳。“我求求你了！只要听我说完，只要听我给你讲出我参与的可怕阴谋，理查德。瑞富斯设计的。那个恶魔！他在嘲笑你，先生！他在嘲笑你们大家！他已经巨款到手了！他有一万五千镑钱！”

They put me back in the pads. They let me wear the gown and boots, however; and they gave me a basin of tea.

他们又把我带回包间。不过这次他们让我穿着衣裳和鞋子；还给我一大盆茶水。

“When I get out, you’ll be sorry!” I said, as they closed the door on me. “I got a mother in London. She is looking for me, in every house in the land!”

他们关门的时候，我说道，“等我出去了，你们会后悔的！我妈妈在伦敦！她在找我，这个国家的每家每户她都会找到的！”

I would not let go of his coat. My voice was high, like the yelp of a dog. Nurse Spiller got her arm about my neck, and Dr Christie put his hands over mine and worked free my fingers. Dr Graves came to help him. At the feel or their hands, I shrieked. I suppose I really seemed mad, then; but it was only through the awfulness of having said nothing but the truth, and being thought to be deluded. I shrieked, and Dr Christie got out his whistle, just like before. There was a bell rung. Mr Bates and Mr Hedges came running, in their brown-paper cuffs. Betty bellowed.

我抓着他的衣裳不放手。我的声音也高亢起来，简直像狗在狂吠。斯皮乐护士的胳膊勾住我的脖子，克里斯蒂医生抓着我的手，要扳开我的指头。格里夫斯医生也上来帮他。被他们的手一抓，我不由尖叫起来。这时，我觉得我好象真的疯了。不过这只是因为我老老实实说出了真相，心里难过极了，再一想到我被人设计陷害。我尖叫不止，克里斯蒂医生便如像先前一般，拿出他的哨子。有个铃铛响起来，海芝先生和贝特斯先生戴着褐色纸袖套跑过来，贝蒂开始大吼大叫。

Nurse Spiller nodded. “Is she?” she said. “That’s yours, and all our other ladies’, then”; and she laughed.

斯皮乐护士点点头。“是吗？”她说道，“那么不光是你妈在找，我们这里所有人他妈，也都在找。”她哈哈大笑。

I think the tea — which tasted bitter — must have had a draught in it. I slept through a day — or it might have been two days; and when I finally came to myself, I came to stupid. I let them take me, stumbling, back to the room with the beds. Dr Christie made his tour, and held my wrist.

我觉得那茶水里——茶水味道很苦——肯定下了某种药物。我昏睡了一整天——也可能是两天；等我终于元神归位，我变得蠢头蠢脑的。我任他们架着我，跌跌撞撞地回到那个有几张床的房间。克里斯蒂医生过来巡视，又抓住我的手腕。

And then, at twelve, she put the magazine away and gave a great yawn, and took us downstairs for our dinners. Another nurse came to help her. “Come on, come on,” they said. “No dawdling.”

然后，到了十二点，她丢开杂志，打个大大的哈欠，再带我们下楼吃午饭。会有另一个护士过来帮她。“跟上，跟上，”她们说道。“别稀稀拉拉的。”

My head grew clearer as the day wore on, though. I lay on my bed and tried to think. They made us keep to our rooms in the morning, and we were meant to sit and be silent — or to read, if we liked — while Nurse Bacon watched. But I think what books there were in the house, the ladies had already read; for they only, like me, lay upon their beds, doing nothing, and it was Nurse Bacon who sat, with her feet put up on a stool, looking over the pages of a little magazine — now and then licking one of her fat red fingers, to turn a page; and now and then chuckling.

随着时间流逝，我的头脑又渐渐清楚起来。我躺在床上，使劲地想心事。早上他们就把我们关在房间里，有培根护士在一旁看着，我们就得静静地坐着——要么，如果我们喜欢，就看看书。不过我想，这座房子里有的书，这些女人早就看完了；因为他们都像我一样，光躺在床上，什么也不干，就培根护士坐在那儿，两脚翘在矮凳上。她盯着一本小杂志看，还时不时舔一下她那又红又肥的指头，再翻一页书；时不时地嘿嘿暗笑。

“You are calmer today, Mrs Rivers,” he said; and my mouth being dry, from the draught and from sleeping, it was as much as I could do to unstick my tongue from my gums, to answer, “I ain’t Mrs Rivers!” And he had gone, before I said it.

“今天你冷静多了，瑞富斯太太。”他说道；我喝了药，又睡了一觉，这会儿感觉嘴巴很干，我拼尽全力，抬起粘在牙床上的舌头，回答他，“我不是瑞富斯太太！”在我说出口之前，他就走了。

We walked in a line. The pale old lady — Miss Wilson — pressed close at my back.

我们排着队走。那个苍白的老妇人——威尔森小姐——紧紧贴着我的后背。

“Don’t be frightened,” she said, “of — Don’t turn your head! Hush! Hush!” I felt her breath on my neck. “Don’t be frightened,” she said, “of your soup.”

“别怕那个——，”她说道，“别回头！嘘！嘘！”我感觉她的呼吸喷到我脖子上。“别害怕，”她说道，“那个汤。”

Then I walked faster, to be nearer Nurse Bacon. She led us to the dining-room. They were ringing a bell there, and as we went our line was joined by other nurses, with ladies from the rooms they watched in. I should say there were sixty or so ladies kept in that house; and they seemed to me now, after my spell in the pads, a vast and horrible crowd. They were dressed as I was — I mean badly, in all sorts of fashions; and this — and the fact that some had had their hair cut to their heads; and some had lost teeth, or had their teeth taken from them; and some had cuts and bruises, and others wore canvas bracelets or muffs — this made them look queerer than perhaps they really were. I’m not saying they weren’t all mad, in their own fashions; and to me, just then, they looked mad as horse-flies. But there are as many different ways of being mad, after all, as there are of being crooked. Some were perfect maniacs. Two or three, like Betty, were only simpletons. One liked to shout bad words. Another threw fits. The rest were only miserable: they walked, with their eyes on the floor, and sat and turned their hands in their laps, and mumbled, and sighed.

于是我加快脚步，想跟紧培根护士。她领着我们到了食堂。他们在这里敲钟，我们到了之后，又有几个护士带着由她们看护的女人，排在了我们后面。我敢说，这医院里得关了六十几个女人。经过包间的禁闭，此刻对我来说，眼前这群人，既庞大又骇人。他们都穿得跟我一样——我是说穿得不好，不管拿什么时代的时尚眼光来看；这付样子——事实是，有的人头发剪得太短，短到可见头皮；有的人缺了牙，要么就是被人拔掉了；有的人带着划伤和淤青，其余人等穿着帆布的反穿衣或直筒袍——这付样子让他们看起来，比他们原本的面貌还古怪。我并不是说他们不都是疯子，也不是说自有他们的衣着样式。当时，在我眼里，他们好似马蝇一样疯癫。可是毕竟，有多少种不重样儿的发疯原因，就有多少个被人欺骗陷害了的人。有些人是真正的疯子。有三两个人，就像贝蒂一样，只是傻子而已。其中一个喜欢骂街。另一个老是抽筋。其余的只是心里悲伤而已：他们走路时眼睛望着地板，一坐下来就把手背到后面，又是嘟囔，又是叹气。

I sat among them, and ate the dinner I was served. It was soup, as Miss Wilson had said, and I saw her looking at me, nodding her head, as I supped it; but I would not catch her eye. I would not catch anyone’s eye. I had been drugged and stupid, before; now I was back in a sort of fright — a sort of fever of fright — sweating, and twitching, and wild. I looked at the doors and windows — I think, if I had seen a window of plain glass, I should have run through it. But the windows all had bars on. I don’t know what we should have done in a fire. The doors had ordinary locks, and with the right sort of tools I suppose I might have picked them. But I hadn’t any kind of tool — not so much as a hair-pin — and nothing to make one with. The spoons we ate our soup with were made of tin, and so soft, they might have been rubber. You could not have picked your nose with them.

我坐在他们中间，吃着端到面前的午饭。如威尔森小姐所说，午饭是汤，我吃的时候，看到她望着我，还点点头；但是我盯不牢她的眼睛，谁的眼睛我都盯不牢。之前我被人灌了药，已经傻掉了，这会儿我回复到某种恐惧的情绪之中——某种因恐惧而生的发热症——出汗，抽搐，狂躁。我望着门窗——我觉得，如果我看到一扇普通的玻璃窗，我定会冲上前钻过去。可是窗户上都钉着铁条。我不知道火灾来了我们该怎么办。房门上装的都是普通的锁，用某种合适的工具，我觉得我能撬开那锁。可我手里什么工具都没有——连发卡也没有——也没有可以制作工具的东西。我们喝汤的汤勺是铁皮做的，软得要命，简直像是橡皮做的。用这玩意，你都扒不动自己的鼻子。

Dinner lasted half an hour. We were watched by the nurses and a few stout men — Mr Bates and Mr Hedges, and one or two others. They stood at the side of the room, and now and then walked between the tables. When one drew close I twitched and lifted up my hand and said, “Please sir, where are the doctors? Sir? May I see Dr Christie, sir?”

午饭吃了半个小时。旁边有护士和几个壮汉看着——海芝先生和贝特斯先生，还有一两个人。他们站在墙跟儿，时不时地在餐桌间走来走去。有人走近时，我抽搐一下，举起手来说道，“请问，先生，医生在哪儿？先生？我能见见克里斯蒂医生吗？先生？”

“Where are you from?” asked the first.

“你从哪儿来？”先一位问道。

“What?” I said. “No.”

“什么？”我说道。“没有。”

“You must be familiar,” she said, “with the squares of Kensington.”

“你一定很熟悉，”她说道，“肯辛顿的公园。”

“From London,” I said, still looking after the man. Though here they think I come from somewhere else.”

“从伦敦来。”我说道，眼睛还在找那个壮汉。“不过在这里，他们以为我来自另外一个地方。”

“Ah! London! How I miss it!”

“啊！伦敦！我多么想念伦敦啊！”

“I don’t know. I don’t know. I never saw them.”

“我不知道。我不知道。我都没见过。”

“Be quiet!” he said again, moving past.

“安静点！”他又是这句，加快了脚步。

A lady said, “You shan’t see the doctors now. They come only in the mornings. Don’t you know?”

一个女人说道，“现在你看不到医生。他们只有早晨的时候才会过来。你不知道吗？”

“What?” The stout man had turned and was walking back towards us. I lifted my hand again, and waved it. “Will you tell me,” I said to him, “where I can find Dr Christie? Sir? Please, sir?”

“什么？”那壮汉已转过身，朝着我们走回来了。我又扬起手，招招手。“你能不能告诉我，”我对他说道，“先生？我上哪儿能找到克里斯蒂医生？请问你，先生？”

“Who are your people?”

“你家人是谁？”

“Dr Christie is busy,” he said. “Be quiet.” He walked on.

“克里斯蒂医生很忙。”他说道。“安静点。”他继续走着。

“And the season just beginning. That is very hard for you. And so young! Are you out?”

“日子才刚开始呢。这对你来说，很不容易。又这么年轻！你出去吗？”

“From London!” she cried. Some of the other ladies said it, too: “London!”

“从伦敦来！”她大叫道。别的女人嘴里也说：“伦敦！”

“She is new here,” said another.

“她是新来的，”另一个说道。

“I should say the trees are all in leaf.”

“我敢说那些树林都绿意盎然。”

The lady beside me put her hand upon my arm.

我身边的女人将手放在我胳膊上。

I said, “Out?”

我说道，“出去？”

“Who are your people?”

“你的家人是谁？”

The stout man walked as far as the window, then turned and folded his arms. I had raised my hand again, but now let it droop.

那壮汉已走到窗边，然后转过身来，抱着胳膊。我本来又把手举起来了，可这会儿我又放下了。

“My people are thieves,” I said miserably.

“我的家人都是贼，”我满怀悲伤地说道。

“Oh!” The ladies made faces. “Queer girl…”

“噢！”女人们都一脸惊异。“奇怪的姑娘…”

She showed me a ring that she wore, on a string, around her neck. It was gilt, and wanted stones.

她给我看她的戒指，拴在细绳上，戴在脖子里。金灿灿的，少了些个宝石。

The woman beside me, however, beckoned me close.

我身旁的那个女人却招手叫我凑近些。

“Your property gone?” she said, in a whisper. “Mine, too. But see here.”

“你的钱都不见了？”她低声说道。“我的也一样。不过你瞧这儿。”

“Here’s my capital,” she said. “Here’s my security.” She tucked the ring beneath her collar, and touched her nose, and nodded. “My sisters have taken the rest. They shan’t have this, however! Oh, no!”

“这是我的资产，”她说道。“这是我的养命钱。”她将戒指塞进衣领，又摸摸鼻子，点了点头。“我的姐妹们把剩下的都拿走了。不过他们得不到这个！噢！得不到！”

I spoke to no-one, after that. When dinner was ended the nurses took us to a garden and made us walk about it for an hour. The garden had walls on every side, and a gate: the gate was locked, but you could see through its bars to the rest of the park that the house was set in. There were many trees there, some of them close to the great park wall. I made a note of that. I had never climbed a tree in my life, but how hard could it be? If I might get to a high enough branch I would risk breaking both my legs in a jump, if the jump meant freedom. If Mrs Sucksby didn’t come first.

之后我再没跟别人说话。午餐结束后，护士带我们去了一个小花园，让我们绕着花园走一个钟头。那花园四面都是围墙，有一扇门，也锁起来了。不过，我们可以从门栏杆里看到花园的另一边，那是就是医院所在的院子。那边有很多树木，有些树木离院墙很近。我将这些记在心里。我这辈子还没爬过树呢，不过这能有多难呢？要是我能爬上高高的树枝，我甘愿摔断双腿，也要冒险一跳，只要能跳到自由世界。要是萨丝贝太太没能事先赶过来。

But then, when Nurse Spiller came to the door with a can of tea and gave me a basin of it, I took it, but did not drink it. I tipped it on the floor, when I thought no-one was looking. It steamed for a second, then seeped between the boards. I put my foot on the place I had tipped it. I looked up, and saw Betty watching.

可就在此时，斯皮乐护士拎着一桶茶水走到门口，给我倒了一盆，我接过茶水，却并没有喝下去。等我觉得没别人看见时，我把茶水都泼到地上了。茶水流了一下，便渗到地板缝里。我脚踩在泼茶水的地方，再抬眼一看，看到贝蒂正望着我。

But then, I still supposed, too, that I should make my case with Dr Christie. I meant to show him how sane I was. At the end of our hour in the garden a bell was rung, and we were taken back to the house and made to sit, until tea-time, in a great grey room that smelt of leaking gas, that they called the drawingroom; and then we were locked back in our bedrooms. I went — still twitching, still sweating — and said nothing. I did all that the other ladies — sad Mrs Price, and pale Miss Wilson, and Betty — did: I washed my face and hands, at the washstand, when they were finished with the water; and cleaned my teeth, when they had all used the brush; and put my hateful tartan gown in a tidy heap, and pulled on a night-gown; and said Amen, when Nurse Bacon mumbled out a prayer.

不过，当时，我也还是以为，我应该跟克里斯蒂医生申明原因。我打算让他知道我有多疯狂。在花园里走到最后，一阵铃声响起。我们被带进屋子，他们让我们在一个大房间里坐着，房里有股煤气味儿，他们称之为客厅，一直坐到午茶时间；然后我们又回到房间，被锁在房里。我运转着——仍在抽搐，仍在出汗——一直一言不发。别的女人——伤心的皮瑞斯太太，苍白的威尔森小姐，和贝蒂——做什么，我就做什么：等他们都用完水，我到洗手台前洗了脸和手；等他们都用过牙刷，我才刷了牙；我还将那件可恨的衣裳叠整齐，将睡衣扯到身上；培根护士言语含糊地说完一段祷文，我跟着念了阿门。

She sat up, reading, and the light of her lamp shone in my eyes. Even when, after hours and hours, she put down her magazine and took off her apron and gown and got into her bed, she left a light still burning, so she could see us if we stirred in the night; and then she went straight to sleep and started snoring. Her snores were like the sound of a file on iron; and made me more homesick than ever. She took her chain of keys to bed with her, and slept with it about her neck.

她坐着看杂志，她那盏灯的光刺得我眼晕。甚至，过了好几个小时之后，等她放下杂志，摘掉围裙，脱了衣裳，钻进了被窝，她还是让那盏灯亮着，这样一来，如果我们夜里有什么动静，她就能看见我们了；她上了床就睡着了，还扯起了呼噜。她呼噜的声音好象锉刀在挫铁块一样，让我的思乡病比以往更甚。她上了床还带着她那串钥匙，人睡着了，钥匙链就系在脖子上。

“Bad girl?” said Nurse Bacon, turning round. “I know who’s one of them, all right. Into your bed. Quick! quick! all of you. God bless me, what a life!” She could grumble like an engine. All the nurses there could. We had to be quiet, however. We had to lie still. If we didn’t, they came and pinched or smacked us. — “You, Maud,” said Nurse Bacon, that first night, when I turned and trembled. “Stop moving!”

“不学好的东西？”培根护士转过身来说道。“好了，我知道说得是哪个。上床去。快点！快点！你们全体。上帝保佑我，这过得是什么日子啊！”她会像个发动机一样，轰轰隆隆不停呼喝。那边所有的护士都会。而我们则必须安安静静的。我们必须静静地躺着。如果我们静不下来，他们就过来掐我们，或者赏我们一记耳光。——“你，莫德。”第一个晚上，听见我辗转反侧又瑟瑟发抖，培根护士说道，“不要动了！”

“Made a mess,” she said loudly. She had a voice like a man’s. “Bad girl.”

“弄得到处都是，”她大声说道。她声音像男人一样。“不学好的东西。”

I lay with Maud’s white glove in my fist, and now and then put the tip of one of its fingers to my mouth, imagining Maud’s soft hand inside it; and I bit and bit. But I slept, at last; and when next morning the doctors came back on their round with Nurse Spiller, I was ready.

我躺在床上，手里紧紧攥着莫德的那只白色手套，不时地将指头套儿放进嘴里，想象着里面还有莫德轻柔的手；我不停地咬啊咬。不过最后，我还是睡着了；等第二天早上，医生们带着斯皮乐护士回来例行巡视，我已经拿定了主意。

“Dr Christie, I beg you –!”

“克里斯蒂医生，我请求你——！”

He looked at his watch. “Splendid!”

他看着他的表。“好极了！”

“Mrs Rivers, how are you?” said Dr Christie, after he had given Betty her sugar and spent a minute looking over Mrs Price and Miss Wilson.

克里斯蒂医生给贝蒂发完糖，又花了一分钟，检查过皮瑞斯太太和威尔森小姐，便说道，“瑞富斯太太，还好吗？”克里斯蒂医生说道。

I dipped my head and caught his eye, and I told him my story, all over again — how I was not Maud Rivers, but had only been put in his house through a terrible trick; how Richard Rivers had had me at Briar as Maud Lilly’s servant, so I might help him marry her and, afterwards, make her out to be mad. How they had swindled me and taken her fortune, all for themselves.

我低下头，又猛地抬起头，看着他的眼睛，将我的故事告诉了他，从头到尾又说了一遍——我怎么不是莫德。瑞富斯，却只是通过一个卑劣的骗局，才到了他家里；理查德瑞富斯当时是如何利用我，让我到布莱尔，当了李莫德的女仆，这样我就能帮他把她娶到手，这之后呢，再把她扮成个疯子。他们又是如何蒙骗我，搞到了她的财产，钱全归了他们俩。

“I am perfectly clear in my head,” I said.

“我头脑非常清楚。”我说道。

“They have played me false,” I said. “They have played you false! They are laughing at you! You don’t believe me? Bring anyone from Briar! Bring the vicar of the church they were married in! Bring the great church book — you’ll see their names put there, and next to them, my own!”

“他们玩弄了我，”我说道，“他们也玩弄了你！他们在嘲笑你！你不相信我的话吗？到布莱尔找个人来！把他们结婚那间教堂的牧师找来！把教堂里的那个大本子找来——你会看到他们的名字就写在本子上，那旁边就是我的名字！”

He rubbed his eye. “Your name,” he said. “Susan — what are you calling it, now? — Trinder?”

他揉揉眼睛。“你的名字，”他说道。“苏珊——现在你说你叫什么？——钱德？”

“Susan — No!” I said. “Not in that book. It is Susan Smith, in there.”

“苏珊——不！”我说道。“不在那个本子上。是苏珊。史密斯，是在那儿。”

“Only in there. They made me put it. He showed me how! Don’t you see?”

“只是在那里才叫这个名字。他们让我叫这个名字。是他教我这么干的！你不明白吗？”

“Fancies, Mrs Rivers. If you might only hear yourself! Terrible plots? Laughing villains? Stolen fortunes and girls made out to be mad? The stuff of lurid fiction! We have a name for your disease. We call it a hyper-aesthetic one. You have been encouraged to over-indulge yourself in literature; and have inflamed your organs of fancy.”

“是幻想，瑞富斯太太。要是你能听听你自己说的昏话！卑劣的阴谋？哈哈大笑的恶棍？谋夺家产？姑娘被打扮成疯子？都是可怕幻像的素材！我们有个词语描述你的病，我们称之为一种审美要求过高症。你家人纵容你，让你身心过分沉迷于文艺作品；还激活了你体内产生幻想的器官。”

“Fancies? God help me, it’s the plainest truth!”

“幻想？上帝救救我，这是最清楚不过的真相！”

But now I was almost weeping. Dr Christie began to look grim. “I have let you say too much,” he said. “You are growing excited. We cannot have that. We must have calm, at all times. These fancies of yours –“

可此时，我都快哭出来了。克里斯蒂医生的脸色开始阴沉下来。“我已经让你说得够多了，”他说道，“你越来越激动了。我们可不能这样。我们必须冷静，任何时候都必须冷静。你的这些个幻想——”

I looked at him and could not speak. “God help me,” I said at last, as he turned away, “if I can read two words in a row! As for writing — give me a pencil, and I’ll put you down my name; and that’s as much as I should ever be able to put, though you sit me down and make me try it for a year!”

我望着他，说不出话来。最后，当我见他转身要走，便说道，“上帝救救我吧，要是一行字里边，我能认出两个大字！说到写字——给我一根铅笔，我给你把我的名字写下来；这辈子我也就会写这两个字了，虽然你让我坐下来，逼我写了一年！”

“Susan Smith, again!”

“又是苏珊。史密斯！”

“Inflamed?” I said. “Over-indulge? Literature?”

“激活？”我说道。“过分沉迷？文艺作品？”

“You have read too much.”

“你看得书太多了。”

He had begun to walk to the door of the room, with Dr Graves close behind him.

他已抬脚走向门口，格里夫斯大夫紧跟在他后边。

My voice was broken, for Nurse Spiller had caught hold of me to keep me from following after. “How dare you speak,” she said, “to the doctors’ backs! Don’t pull from me! I should say you’re wild enough to be put back in the pads. Dr Christie?”

我的话音停住了，因为斯皮乐护士一把抓住了我，不让我跟上前去。“你怎么敢对着医生的背影乱讲话！不准推我！我说你也疯够了，好回去住包间了。克里斯蒂医生？”

“Watch her, sir!” said Nurse Spiller, when she saw the pencil’s point. “She’s a sly one, this one!”

一见那铅笔尖，斯皮乐护士便说道，“当心她，先生！她是个狡猾的家伙！狡猾着呢！”

But Dr Christie had heard my words and had turned at the door and was looking at me in a new sort of way, his hand at his beard. He glanced at Dr Graves. He said quietly, “It would show us, after all, the extent of the delusion; and may even serve to startle her out of it. What do you say? Yes, give me a page from your notebook. Nurse Spiller, let Mrs Rivers go. Mrs Rivers –“

可是，克里斯蒂医生并没有听到我的话，他到门口转过身来，手抚胡须，以一种新奇的目光望着我。他看一眼格里夫斯医生，轻轻说道，“其实，这能让我们看到，妄想症的程度；甚至可以帮她从妄想中惊醒过来。你觉得呢？没错，给我一张纸。斯皮乐护士，放开瑞富斯太太。瑞富斯太太——”

“Very good, I see her,” he answered. “But I do not think she means us any harm. Do you, Mrs Rivers?”

“很好，我看到了，”他答道。“不过我真的不认为她要伤害我们。你会吗？瑞富斯太太？”

He came back to me and gave me the little piece of paper that Dr Graves had torn from his book. Then he put his hand to his pocket and brought out a pencil, and made to give me that.

他走回到我身前，递给我一小片纸，那是格里夫斯大夫从他本子上撕下来的。然后他伸手到口袋里，拿出一支铅笔准备给我。

“It is my name.”

“这就是我的名字。”

“You have written badly. Did you do so on purpose? Here.” He gave me the paper back. “Write me out a line, as I requested first.”

“你写得糟糕透了。你这样写是有意的吧？行了。”他把那张纸还给我。“就按照我刚才要求的，给我写一句话看看。”

Dr Christie nodded. “I think you are. Come, write me a line upon this paper.”

克里斯蒂医生点点头。“我想你也是。来，在这张纸上给我写一句话看看。”

“I can’t,” I said.

“我不会写。”我说道。

“Of course you can. Sit neatly on the bed and rest the paper on your knee. That is how we sit to write, is it not? You know it is. Now, write me your name. You can do that, at least. You have told us so. Go on.”

“你当然会写。坐到床上去，把纸放在膝盖上。我们就是那样坐着写字的，不是吗？你知道是这样的。好了，给我写你的名字。你至少写得出这个。你也跟我们说过。来吧。”

“I can’t. I can’t!”

“我不会写！我不会写！”

I hesitated, then wrote it. The paper tore beneath the lead. Dr Christie watched and, when I had finished, took the sheet from me and showed it to Dr Graves. They frowned.

我犹豫了一下，然后写下来了。纸都被铅笔头戳破了。克里斯蒂医生盯着，见我写完，便将纸拿过去，拿给格里夫斯大夫看。他们皱起了眉头。

“You may hold it better than that, I think,” he said.

“我觉得，你现在可以拿得更稳。”他说道。

“You have written Susan,” said Dr Christie. “Why is that?”

“你写的是苏珊。”克里斯蒂医生说道。“为什么这么写？”

“I am not used to holding pencils,” I said.

“我不习惯拿铅笔。”我说道。

“No, sir,” I said. I took the pencil in my hand. It trembled. He watched me.

“不会的，先生，”我接过铅笔，抓在手中，不住震颤。他望着我。

I moved it in my fingers, and it fell. I picked it up. “Watch her! Watch her!” said Nurse Spiller again, ready to make another grab at me.

我手动了动铅笔，铅笔掉落在地。我捡起来。“当心她！当心她！”斯皮乐护士又说道，她随时要扑上来抱住我。

Again, I hesitated. And then, because he watched so closely — and because, beyond him, Dr Graves and Nurse Spiller and Nurse Bacon, and even Mrs Price and Miss Wilson, also tilted their heads to see me do it — I wrote an S. Then I made a hazard at the other letters. The word went on and on, and grew larger as I wrote.

我又犹豫一下。然后呢，因为他死死盯着我——还因为，在他身后，格里夫斯医生、斯皮乐护士和培根护士，甚至连皮瑞斯太太和威尔森小姐，都歪着脑袋，等着看我写字——我写了个S。于是我心一横，把后面的字母蒙出来。我写啊写，那个词在我笔下越写越长。

I shook my head.

我摇摇头。

“Yes, you can. Write a single word, then. Write me this. Write: speckle.”

“不，你会写。那么就写个字吧。给我写写这个。写：speckle。”

“Come, come,” he said, “this word is not difficult. And you know the first letter of it, we have seen you write that already.”

“写吧，写吧。”他说道，“这个词并不难。你知道第一个字母怎么写，刚才我们都看到了。”

“Do I?”

“我有吗？”

“You still press hard,” Dr Christie said.

“你还是用力太重，”克里斯蒂医生说道。

“You know you do. And your letters are muddled, and very ill-formed. What letter is this? It is one of your own imagining, I think. Now, am I to understand that your uncle — a scholar, I believe? — would countenance work like this, from his assistant?”

“你心里明白。你写的字都乱了，一塌糊涂。这是什么字？我觉得，这是你头脑里的幻像之一。现在，我是不是要这么理解，你舅舅——我想，是一位学者？——会赞赏这种字迹，就出自他助手的手笔？”

Here was my moment. I quivered right through. Then I held Dr Christie’s gaze and said, as steadily as I could: “I haven’t an uncle to my name. You mean old Mr Lilly. I dare say his niece Maud writes neatly enough; but you see, I ain’t her.”

这是我的关键时刻。我浑身颤抖不止。然后我望着克里斯蒂医生的眼睛，尽全力使声音平稳：“我没有跟我同族的舅舅。你是说李老先生。我敢说他外甥女莫德能写出一手好字；可是你瞧，我不是她。”

He was silent. I thought, That’s it! and almost swooned, with relief. Then he turned to Dr Graves and shook his head.

他沉默了。我心想，有了！我如释重负，差点没乐晕过去。这时他转过头去，对格里夫斯医生摇摇头。

He tapped at his chin. “For you,” he said, “are Susan Smith, or Trinder.”

他轻磕着下巴。“那你，”他说道。“是苏珊。史密斯，或者钱德。”

I quivered again. “Sir, I am!”

我又是一阵战栗。“先生，那正是我！”

“Quite complete,” he said. “Isn’t it? I don’t believe I ever saw a case so pure. The delusion extending even to the exercise of the motor faculties. It’s there we will break her. We must study on this, until our course of treatment is decided. Mrs Rivers, my pencil if you please. Ladies, good-day.”

“很彻底，”他说道。“不是吗？我相信，我还从未见过如此纯粹的妄想症。妄想症状甚至扩散到了运动机能，影响了运动功能。我们正是要阻断这种扩散。我们必须研究一下，研究出治疗方案。瑞富斯太太，如果不介意，请把铅笔还给我。女士们，日安。”

He plucked the pencil from between my fingers, and turned, and left us. Dr Graves and Nurse Spiller went with him, and Nurse Bacon locked the door at their backs. I saw her turn the key, and it was just as if she had struck me or knocked me down: I fell upon my bed and broke out crying. She gave a tut — but they were too used to tears in that house, it was nothing to see a woman sitting at dinner, weeping into her soup, or walking about the garden crying her head off. Her tut turned into a yawn. She looked me over, then looked away. She sat in her chair and rubbed her hands, and winced.

他从我手中抽回铅笔，转身而去。格里夫斯大夫和斯皮乐护士跟着他去了。等他们都走了，培根护士锁上房门。我眼见着她转动钥匙，仿佛给她打了一顿，或推倒了似的：我倒在床上，号啕大哭。她嘴里啧啧有声——不过，在那座房子里，他们已经对眼泪习以为常，看到个女人坐在餐桌旁，眼泪掉进眼前的汤里，或者在花园放风的时候哭得没了人样儿了，根本不算什么事儿。她啧着啧着就打了个哈欠。她盯着我，然后又看向别处。她坐在椅子上，搓着手，脸上的肉抽搐着。

I turned my head into my pillow and closed my eyes. If the house had been hell, and Nurse Bacon the Devil, and Betty a demon at her side, I could not have been more wretched. I cried until I could cry no more.

我转过头，将脑袋埋在枕头里，闭上双眼。如果说，那房子是地狱，培根护士是恶魔，贝蒂是她身边的小鬼，那我可真是万劫不复了。

She still held her chain of keys. The sight of them made me cry worse. She shook one free, and Betty took it to the nurse’s cupboard, unlocked the door, and brought out a jar of grease. The grease was white and hard, like lard. Betty sat, took a handful of it, and began to work it into Nurse Bacon’s swollen fingers. Nurse Bacon winced again. Then she sighed, and her face grew smooth.

她手里还拿着钥匙串儿。一见那串钥匙，我嚎得更凶了。她挑出一把钥匙，给贝蒂拿到护士的橱柜旁，贝蒂打开柜门上的锁，拿出一罐油膏。那油膏是白色的凝固体，象猪油一样。贝蒂坐下来，挑了一小点，开始往培根护士那肿胀的手指头上抹油膏。培根护士痛的一缩身子。随后一声叹息，她神色慢慢缓和下来。

And then there came a movement beside my bed, and then a voice, very gentle. “Come, my dear. You must not give in to tears.”

我哭啊哭，一直哭到哭不动了。这时，我床旁边传来一阵动静，然后有人说话了，语声非常温柔。“好了，我亲爱的。你可再不能哭了。”

“You think you’ve torments,” she said, to me or to all of us. “Have these knuckles for an hour — have these thumbs. Here’s torments, with mustard on. Here’s torments, with whips. Oh! Oh! God bless me, I think I shall die! Come, Betty, be a good girl to your poor old nurse. Fetch out my ointment, will you?”

“你以为你苦死了。”她说道，不知是我还是对我们大家。“给你试试这些关节——这些指头。这才是酷刑，跟涂了芥末一样。这才是酷刑，跟鞭子抽过一样。噢！噢！上帝保佑我，我觉得我要死了！快，贝蒂，帮你可怜的老护士表现得好一点，去把我的药膏拿来，好吗？”

“That finds the mark!” she said; and Betty chuckled.

“就这里！”她说道；贝蒂听了不由吃吃窃笑。

It was the pale old lady, Miss Wilson. She had put out her hand to me. I saw it, and flinched.

说话的是那个苍白的老妇，威尔森小姐。她把手伸给我。我见了，不由一缩。

Nurse Bacon looked over. “I’ve got my eye on you,” she said to me. “Don’t think I haven’t.” Then she settled back in her chair. Betty still worked grease into her fingers.

培根护士看过来。“我看着你呢，”她对我说道。“别以为我没看到。”说完就又靠到椅子上，贝蒂还在往她手指头上抹油膏。

“I am sure you do not,” answered Miss Wilson.

“我当然知道你不会。”威尔森小姐答道。

“I’m only so frightened they will keep me here. I have been done very wrong. They say I am mad.”

“我只是非常害怕他们会一直把我关在这儿。我被关在这里，真是大错特错，他们说我疯了。”

“You must keep your spirit. This house is not so hard as some others. But nor is it perfectly kind. The air of this room, for example, that we must breathe, like oxen in a stall. The suppers. They call us ladies, yet the food — the merest pap! — I should blush to see it served to a gardener’s boy.”

“你千万得稳住心神，这座医院不像别的医院那么严格。不过也不是特别好的那种。比如说，这个屋子里的空气，我们必须呼吸到的，跟牛棚里的臭气一样。还有饭菜。他们叫我们女士们，可是那饭菜——充其量只能说是粥！——拿给园丁的儿子吃，我见了都会脸红。”

I said quietly, “You mustn’t think I cry so easily as this, at home.”

我轻轻地说道，“你可千万别以为，我在家里也这么爱哭。”

“Ah,” she said then. “You shrink from me. I don’t wonder at it. I am not quite in my right mind. You will grow used to that, here. Hush! Not a word. Nurse Bacon watches. Hush!”

“啊，”于是她说道。“你怕我，我一点也不觉得奇怪。我不是正常人。在这儿你会慢慢习惯这些的。嘘！别说话。培根护士看着呢。嘘！”

She had taken a handkerchief from her sleeve, and made signs that I should dry my face. The handkerchief was yellow with age, but soft; and the softness of it, and the kindness of her look — which, for all that she was mad, was the first piece of kindness that anyone had shown me since I came to the house — made me begin to cry again.

她从袖子里拽出一块手绢，做了个手势，示意我可以拿去擦掉脸上的泪水。那是块黄色的旧手绢，不过挺软和；手绢的那种柔软，还有她脸上的善意——她是个疯子，自从我来到这儿，她是第一个向我表现出善意的人——让我又开始大哭。

She pulled a face, let out her breath, and her eyes closed. I thought in horror, Two-and-twenty years! — and the thought must have shown on my face, for Miss Wilson said, “You must not think you shall stay so long as that. Mrs Price comes, every year; but her husband has her home again, when the worst of her spells are past. It was a husband, I think, who signed your order? It is my brother who keeps me here. But men want wives, when they may do without their sisters.” Her hand rose. “I would speak plainer, if I could. My tongue — You understand.”

她拉长了脸，嘘出一口气，眼睛闭上了。我满怀恐惧地想，二十二年！——这想法肯定表现在我脸上了，因为威尔森小姐说道，“你千万不要以为你也会待这么长时间。皮尔斯太太每年都来；不过，等她发病发得最厉害的时候一过去，她丈夫就又把她接回去。是你丈夫，我想，在你文件上签字的吧？是我兄弟把我关在这儿的。不过男人们可以不需要姐妹，还是需要妻子。”她的手抬起来。“如果我能够，我会说得更直白。我的舌头——你明白的。”

Her voice had risen. Nurse Bacon looked over again, and curled her lip. “I should like to see you blush, you phantom!” she said.

她的声音大了些。培根护士又看过来，瘪了瘪嘴。“我很高兴看到你脸红，你个白无常！”

She waved her hand, and looked for a moment so mad, my heart quite sank.

她挥挥手，有那么一会儿，看上去特伤心，我的心一沉。

Miss Wilson worked her mouth and looked embarrassed. “A reference,” she said to me, “to my pallor. Will you believe me if I tell you, there is a substance in the water here, related to chalk –? But, hush! No more of that!”

威尔森小姐嘴巴动了动，一脸尴尬。“一个说法，”她对我说道。“说我脸色苍白。如果我告诉你，这里的水里有种物质，跟粉笔有点关系，你会相信我吗——？不过，嘘！一句也别说了！”

“I believe — let me see — we know so little of the passing seasons… I should say, many years.”

“我想——让我想想——我们对季节流逝所知甚少…我应该说，很多年了。”

“Have you been here very long?” I asked, when her fluttering hand had fallen.

等她挥动的手落下，我问道，“你来这儿很久了吗？”

“Two-and-twenty,” said Nurse Bacon, still listening. “For you were quite an old hand — were you not? — when I first come in as a young one. And that was fourteen years, this autumn. — Ah, press harder, Betty, there! Good girl.”

“二十二年，”培根护士还在听我们说话。“因为你的确是个老病号——不是吗？——从我年轻的时候，刚来到这儿，你就是老病号了。有十四年了，到今年秋天。——啊，使点劲儿，贝蒂，就那儿！好姑娘。”

“That is hard for you,” said Miss Wilson, shaking her head and sighing. “That is the worst of all.”

“这可真难为你了。”威尔森小姐摇摇头，叹道。“这是最倒霉的。”

“The man,” I said, “that has put me here, is a dreadful villain; and only pretends to be my husband.”

“那个，”我说道，“送我来这里的男人，是个非常可怕的恶棍；他只不过假装是我丈夫。”

I touched her arm. My heart, that had sunk, now rose like a float — so hard, it hurt me.

我摸到她的胳膊。我沉下去的心，此时像小船似的又浮起来了——如此有力，让我异常疼痛。

“Don’t make anything of that,” she said, in a comfortable voice. “Miss Wilson believes all sorts of nonsense. Only ask her, now, what creatures live in the moon.”

“可别当真啊，”她说道，话音舒适自在。“威尔森小姐相信一切无稽之谈。现在只需要问问她，月亮上住着什么人（creatures）。”

“You believe it,” I said. I looked at Nurse Bacon; but she had heard me and opened her eyes.

“你相信我的话，”我说道。我看看培根护士；而她已睁开眼睛，正听我说话呢。

“Curse you!” said Miss Wilson. “I told you that as a confidence! — You may see, Mrs Rivers, how they work to diminish my standing. — Does my brother pay a guinea a week for you to abuse me? Thieves! Devils!”

“我咒你！”威尔森小姐说道。“我是当私房话讲给你听的！——你看到吧，他们如何损毁我的心志。——我兄弟是不是一周付你们一个几尼，专让你们辱骂我诽谤我？都是小偷！都是恶魔！”

Nurse Bacon made a show of rising from her chair and making her hands into fists; and Miss Wilson grew quiet again. I said, after a moment, “You may think what you like about the moon, Miss Wilson. Why shouldn’t you? But when I tell you I have been put in here by swindlers and am perfectly right in my head, I say no more than the truth. Dr Christie shall find it out, in time.”

培根护士站起身，两手捏成拳头，作势要打，威尔森小姐却又默不作声了。过了一会儿，我说道，“威尔森小姐，关于月亮，你喜欢怎么想，就怎么想。凭什么你不能那么想呢？不过，当我跟你说我是被骗子骗到这里，我说我脑袋里神志非常清楚时，我说的全是真话。克里斯蒂医生会发现这一点的，很快。”

I stared at her. Then I looked at Nurse Bacon. “Is that true?” I asked. Nurse Bacon nodded. I began to weep again. “Then, God help me, I’m done for!” I cried. “For that shyster never, never will!”

我瞪着她。然后我又看看培根护士。“是真的吗？”我问道。培根护士点点头。我又开始哭。“那么，上帝救救我吧，我完蛋了！”我哭道。“因为那个混蛋永远永远也不会签字！”

Miss Wilson shook her head. “So hard! So hard! But perhaps he will visit, and take a change of heart? They must let us see our visitors, you know; that is the law.”

威尔森小姐摇摇头。“很难！很难！不过，说不定他会来探视，就改了主意呢？他们必须让我们会见我们的探视者，你知道；这是法律。”

I wiped my face. “He won’t come,” I said. “He knows that, if he did, I would kill him!”

我抹抹脸。“他不会来的。”我说道。“他知道，要是他来了，我会杀了他！”

So then we all fell silent. Betty worked the grease in for another minute or two, then put the jar away and went back to her bed. Miss Wilson bent her head and her gaze grew dark. Mrs Price now and then let out a murmur or a moan from behind her veil of hair.

于是，我们都陷入静默。贝蒂抹油膏，又忙了一两分钟，然后将罐子放在一边，回到床上去了。威尔森小姐弓着脖子，目光变得暗淡。皮瑞斯太太头发盖在脸上，时不时从头发后面发出嘟囔声或呻吟。

“I hope he will,” she answered. “I am sure he will. But you know, it is your husband who must sign you out.”

“我希望他会发现，”她答道。“我肯定他会的。可是你知道，签字接你出去的人，必须是你丈夫。”

“That’s enough!” Nurse Bacon said. “And you, Miss Muffet” — she meant me — “stop stirring up the ladies.” And again, she showed her fist.

“够了！”培根护士说道。“还有你，玛菲特小姐（Miss Muffet）”——她说的是我——“不要再刺激她们了。”她再次挥挥拳头。

She looked about her, in a sort of fear. “You must not say such things, in here. You must be good. Don’t you know, that they have ways of taking you, of binding you — That they have water –“

她目露恐惧，看看周围。“在这儿，你可千万别说这些话。你得乖乖的。你不知道吗，他们有好多办法把你抓起来，把你捆起来——他们有水——”

“Water,” murmured Mrs Price, in a shuddering way.

“水，”皮瑞斯太太声音颤抖着，喃喃自语道。

“Will you sit down?” said Nurse Bacon.

“你能坐下来吗？”培根护士说道。

I got to my feet and walked from one wall of the room to the other, and back. “If only there was a window!” I said. “If only we might see out.” And then: “If only I had never left the Borough!”

我站起身来，从这面墙走到那面墙，再折回来。“要是有扇窗户就好了！”我说道。“要是我们能看到外面就好了！”然后：“要是我从来就没离开镇子就好了！”

Then she cursed. There had come a knocking at the door, and she must get up from her chair to answer it. It was another nurse, with a paper. I waited until their heads were close together, then stole back to Miss Wilson. Desperation was beginning to make me sly.

然后她口吐怨言。房门上传来敲门声，她必须从椅子上站起来去应门。来者是另一个护士，拿着一张纸。我等到他俩的脑袋挨到一块儿了，才偷偷摸摸凑到威尔森小姐身边。绝望开始令我鬼鬼祟祟。

From the room next door there came a burst of ragged shrieking. I thought of Mr Ibbs’s sister. I thought of all my home, and all the people in it. I began, again, to sweat. I felt suddenly I think as a fly must feel, when wrapped in the thread of a spider.

从隔壁房间传来一声刺耳的尖叫。我想起了艾伯斯先生的姐姐。我想起了家里的一切，家里的每个人。我又开始出汗。突然间我觉得，我的感觉跟一只苍蝇被蜘蛛丝缠住时感觉一样。

She looked at me, and then drew back. “I hope,” she said, in an ordinary tone, “I hope you don’t suppose that I was the kind of girl brought up to speak in whispers?”

她望着我，然后身子缩回去。“我希望，”她以寻常口气说道，“我希望你不会以为，我家里把我教养成那种小声小气说话的姑娘了吧？”

“Listen to me,” I said quietly. “I must get out of here, quick as I can. I have people in London, with money. I’ve a mother. You’ve been here so long, you must know of a way. What is it? I’ll pay you for it, I swear.”

“听我说，”我轻轻说道。“我必须出去，尽快出去。我在伦敦有家人，他们都有钱。我妈妈还在。你来这儿这么久，你肯定知道办法。是什么办法？我会给你叉子做报酬，我发誓。”

“Whispering,” said Betty, in her gruff voice.

“说悄悄话呢，”贝蒂用她又粗又哑声音说道。

“Whispering? I’ll whisper her, all right! Get back to your bed and leave Miss Wilson alone. Can’t I turn my back a minute without you start up trying to tamper with the ladies?”

“说悄悄话？好吧！我会跟她说悄悄话的。回你床上去，别烦威尔森小姐。我就不能转过去一分钟，转过去你就要跳出来招惹别人？”

Nurse Bacon looked round and stared. “You, Maud,” she said. “What are you doing now?”

培根护士环顾四周，瞪着眼睛。“你，莫德，”她说道，“你在干什么？”

I supposed she guessed I had been trying to escape. I went back to my bed. She stood at the door with the other nurse, and said something to her in a murmur. The other nurse wrinkled her nose. Then they looked me over in the same cool, nasty way that I had seen other nurses look at me, before. I was still too ignorant then, of course, to know what the nasty look meant. God help me, though! — for I was to find out, soon enough.

我觉得她猜到我刚才想逃跑。我回到床上。她跟那个护士站在门口，跟那个护士小声说着什么。那个护士耸耸鼻子。然后他们俩望着我，目光同此前其他护士看我的眼神一样，冷冰冰的，满是厌恶。当然，那会儿我还是太过无知，并不了解那厌恶的目光究竟意义何在。可是上帝救救我吧！——因为我马上就知道了。