Until then, however, I didn’t trouble myself to wonder; for I still supposed I should get out. Even when a week went by, and then another, I supposed it. I only understood at last that I must give up my idea that Dr Christie would be the man to release me — for if he believed that I was mad when I went in, then everything I said as time went on only seemed to serve to make him think me madder. Worse than that, he still held firm to his idea that I should be cured, and know myself again, if I might only be made to write.
然而，直到那会儿，我还是没花心思去想其中奥妙；因为我仍旧觉得，我能出去。甚至过了一周，又过了一周，我还是这么想。到最后，我仅仅是意识到，我必须放弃想法，以为克里斯蒂医生会是那个释放我的人——因为，如果我进来的时候，他就坚信我是个疯子，那么日子一天天过去，我说的任何话，似乎都只会令他以为我疯得更厉害了。更糟糕的是，他仍旧死死坚持他的观点，认为我是治得好的，我自己也再次意识到，要是我学过写字就好了。
“You have been put too much to literary work,” he said on one of his visits, “and that is the cause of your complaint. But sometimes we doctors must work by paradoxical methods. I mean to put you to literary work again, to restore you. Look here.” He had brought me something, wrapped in paper. It was a slate and chalk. “You shall sit with this blank slate before you,” he said, “and before this day is done, you shall have written me out — neatly, mind! — your name. Your true name, I mean. Tomorrow you shall write me the start of an account of your life; and you shall add to it, on each day that follows. You shall recover the use of your faculty of reason, as you recover your facility with the pen…”
“你以前学术工作做得太多，”有一回巡视，他说道，“而这正是你抱怨的原因。不过有时候，我们医生必须用一些似是而非的手段。我是说，再让你做些学术工作，好让你复原。瞧这儿。”他给我带来一包东西，包在纸里。是一块石板和粉笔。“你应该坐下来，把石板放在面前，”他说道，“今天完成前，你要给我把名字写出来。记住！要书写整齐。我是说，要写你的真名。明天你就给我开始写你日常生活的记录；接下来的日子你就每天写一点。随着运笔机能的恢复，你理性思维机能的功用也会得以恢复。”
And so he made Nurse Bacon keep me sitting with the chalk in my hand, for hours at a stretch; and of course, I could write nothing, the chalk would crumble to a powder — or else, grow damp and slippery from the sweating of my palm. Then he’d come back and see the empty slate, and frown and shake his head. He might have Nurse Spiller with him. “Ain’t you wrote a word?” she’d say. “And here’s the doctors spending all their time to make you well. Ungrateful, I call that.”
于是，他让斯皮乐护士将我按在椅子上，粉笔塞给我，让我连着写了几个小时。当然喽，我什么都写不出，粉笔都捏出粉末了——也有一段被我手掌上的汗弄潮了，在手里直打滑。这时他就会回来，一见那石板还空空如也，便拧着眉毛，大摇其头。他让斯皮乐护士跟着他，“你一个字也不写？”她会说。“这儿的医生把时间都花在你身上，都想让你好起来。我说你这个样子，可真不识抬举。”
When he’d gone, she’d shake me. And when I’d cry and swear, she’d shake me harder. She could shake you so, you thought your teeth were being rattled out of your head. She could shake you until you were sick. — “Got the grips,” she’d tell the other nurses then, with a wink; and the nurses would laugh. They hated the ladies. They hated me. They thought that when I spoke in the way that was natural to me, I did it to tease them. I know they put it out that I got special attentions from Dr Christie, through pretending to be low. That made the ladies hate me, too. Only mad Miss Wilson was now and then kind to me.
他一走，她就摇晃我。我要是哭喊诅咒，她就摇得更用力。她可以把你摇晃到让你以为，你的牙齿都要叮叮当当从嘴巴里掉出来了。她能一直摇晃你，直到把你晃晕了。——这时她会使个眼色，告诉别的护士，“抓紧不放松，”别的护士就哈哈大笑。他们讨厌病人。他们讨厌我。他们觉得，我用天生的态度语气跟他们讲话的时候，其实是在戏弄他们。我知道他们看出来，克里斯蒂医生特别注意我，虽然打着法律的幌子。这让别的病人也讨厌我。只有疯子威尔森小姐时不时对我好一下。
“Keep her from her dinner, Nurse Bacon,” he said sternly, “until she writes again.”
“不要给她吃午饭，培根护士。”他柔声说道。“等她写出来了，再给她吃。”
So then, I wrote out: Susan, Susan — I wrote it, fifty times. Nurse Bacon hit me. Nurse Spiller hit me, too. Dr Christie shook his head. He said my case was worse than he had thought, and needed another method. He gave me drinks of creosote — had the nurses hold me, while he poured it into my mouth. He talked of bringing a leech-man in, to bleed my head.
于是，我就写：苏珊，苏珊——我写了五十遍。培根护士给我一巴掌。斯皮乐护士也来了一巴掌。克里斯蒂医生摇头不止。他说我的病情比他原先料想的严重，需要运用另外一种治疗方法。他给我开了几剂碳酸——让护士抓着我，由他往我嘴里灌。他说起找个赤脚医生来，帮我脑袋放放血。
And when, next day, I again could make nothing but scribbles, of course he thought me shamming.
等到第二天，我又什么都没写出来，只画了些鬼画符的东西，他当然认为我在装模做样。
Once she saw me weeping over my slate and, when Nurse Bacon’s back was turned, came over and wrote me out my name — Maud’s name, I mean. But, though she meant it well, I wished she hadn’t done it; for when Dr Christie came and saw it, he smiled and cried, “Well done, Mrs Rivers! Now we are half-way there!”
有一回，她见我对着石板哭泣，便趁培根护士转过身的当儿，过来帮我把名字写了出来——我是说，莫德的名字。可是，尽管她是出于好意，我还是希望她别这么干；因为，等克里斯蒂医生来了，他一见那名字，便面露微笑，叫道，“写得好，瑞富斯太太！现在我们成功了一半了！”
Then a new lady came to the house, who would speak nothing but a made-up language she said was the language of snakes; and after that he passed all his time with her, pricking her with needles, bursting paper bags behind her ear, scalding her with boiling water — looking for ways to startle her into speaking English.
这时候，医院来了个新的女病人，她什么都不会说，只会说一种自创的语言，她说那种语言是蛇语。她来了之后，他就把全副时间都放在她身上了，拿针扎她，把纸袋吹起来放在她耳后，忽然拍破，还用开水烫她——他是在寻找让她魂魄归来的办法，好令她开口说人话。
I wished he would go on pricking and scalding her for ever. The creosote had almost choked me. I was frightened of leeches. And his leaving me alone, it seemed to me, would give me more time for sitting and planning my escape in. For I still thought of nothing but of that. It got to June. I had gone in there some time in May. But I still had spirit enough to learn the lie of the house, to study the windows and doors, looking out for weak ones; and every time Nurse Bacon took out her chain of keys, I watched, and saw which did what. I saw that, as far as the locks on the bedroom and passage doors went, one key worked them all. If I could slip that key from a nurse’s chain, I could make my escape, I was certain of it. But those chains were stout; and each nurse kept her keys very close; and Nurse Bacon — who was warned I might be crafty — kept hers closest of all. She gave them up only to Betty when she wanted something got out from her cupboard; and then she took them back at once, and dropped them into her pocket. I never saw her do it, without trembling in a hopeless rage.
我真希望他能一直一直地扎她烫她，碳酸都快把我呛死了。我还害怕赤脚医生。他把我丢在一边，对我来说，能给我更多时间，坐下来好好谋划我的逃跑大计。因为我心里别的什么都不想，就光想这事儿了。到六月份了。我是五月里的某一天来到这儿的。不过我仍旧心有余力，去观察房子的布局，研究门窗，探寻薄弱环节；培根护士每回掏出她那串钥匙，我都留心瞧着，看各把钥匙派什么用场。我看到，所有病房上的锁和走廊门上的锁都看到了，有一把钥匙能开所有的门。要是我能从护士手里把那把钥匙顺过来，就能逃跑了。我有把握。可是那钥匙链很粗；每个护士都把钥匙看得很紧；而培根护士——她对我的诡计多端已有警惕——又是其中看的最紧的一个。只有当她想从橱柜里拿什么东西时，才会把钥匙交给贝蒂；过后就立即收回，收进口袋里。每回见她如此，我都会因绝望的恼怒，而混身颤抖。
It seemed too hard that I — of all people in the world! — should be kept so low, so long, from everything that was mine, by a single key — a single, simple key! not even a fancy key, but a plain one, with four straight cuts upon it that, given the right kind of blank and file, I knew I should have been able, in half a moment, to fake up. I thought it, a hundred times a day. I thought it as I washed my face, and as I took my dinner. I thought it as I walked the little garden; as I sat in the drawingroom, hearing ladies mumble and weep; as I lay in my bed, with the nurse’s lamp blazing in my eyes. If thoughts were hammers or picks I should have been free, ten thousand times over. But my thoughts were more like poisons. I had so many, they made me sick.
这太难办了，就因为一把钥匙——一把普通的小钥匙，我——还有全世界的人！——就得被他们关押着，如此卑贱，如此漫长，远离属于我的一切。也不是什么了不得的钥匙，只是一把普通钥匙，上面有四条凹槽，给我合适的钥匙坯和锉刀，我知道我就能够，不消眨眼的工夫，配出来一把。我盘算着此事，一天要想几百遍。洗脸的时候想，吃饭的时候想。在小花园里放风的时候想，坐在客厅里，听着病人们嘟囔、哭叫闹，我也在想。躺在床上，护士的灯光刺着我眼，我还在想。如果想法是榔头和锄头的话，那我早就自由了，我都逃了几万次了。然而，我的反复盘算却更像是毒药。我的想法太多了，多到令我生了毛病。
It was a dull sort of sickness, not like the sharp panic that had gripped me and made me sweat, in my first days there. It was a kind of creeping misery, that crept so slow, and was so much a part of the habits of the house — like the colour of the walls, the smell of the dinners, the sound of weeping and shrieks — I did not know it had gained upon me, until too late. I still said, to everyone who spoke to me, that I was quite in my right mind — that I was there, through a mistake — that I was not Maud Rivers, and must be let out at once. But I said it so often, the words grew soft — like coins losing their faces through being too much spent.
那是一种难以察觉的毛病。它并不像我最初到这儿的时候，那种突如其来地攫住我的身心，让我冒冷汗的恐惧。那是一种慢慢潜入我体内的痛苦，如此缓慢，已成为这座医院的固定节目——就好象墙壁的颜色，午饭的味道，哭声和尖叫声。我也没感觉到这毛病正折磨着我，等我知道了，也晚了。我还在别人说我头脑正常，跟每一个同我说话的人说——我是给弄错了，才进来的——我不是莫德。瑞富斯太太，必须立即放我出去云云。可是我说的太唠叨了，慢慢地，那些话变得无比顺溜——就好象硬币用多了，表面就磨光了。
One day at last, I walked with a lady in the garden and said it again; and the lady looked at me in pity. “I thought the same thing, once,” she said kindly. “But you see, I’m afraid you must be mad, since you are here. There is something queer about us all. You need only look about you. You need only look at yourself.”
终于有一天，我跟一个女人一起在花园里放风，又说起这话；那女人用怜悯的眼神看着我。“我曾经，也想着一模一样的事，”她和善地说道。“可是你瞧，我恐怕你来的时候，就肯定是疯了。我们所有人都有些古怪的事。你只需要看看周围。你只需要看看你自己。”
She smiled — but, as before, she smiled in a kind of pity; then she walked on. I stopped, however. I had not thought, I could not say in how long, of how I must look, to others.
她笑了——可是，跟先前一样，她微笑中带着怜悯；然后她继续走。我却停下了脚步。我都没想过，我也说不出有多长时间了，在旁人眼里，我得是个什么形象。
Dr Christie kept no looking-glasses, for fear they should get smashed, and it seemed to me now that the last time I had gazed at my own face was at Mrs Cream’s — was it at Mrs Cream’s? — when Maud had made me put on her blue silk gown — was it blue? or had it been grey? — and held up the little mirror. I put my hands to my eyes. The gown was blue, I was certain of it. Why, I had been wearing it when they got me into the madhouse! They had taken it from me — and they had taken, too, Maud’s mother’s bag, and all the things that were in it — the brushes and combs, the linen, the red prunella slippers — I never saw those again. Instead — I looked down at myself, at the tartan dress and rubber boots. I had grown almost used to them.
克里斯蒂医生不用镜子，他怕镜子碎了，对于现在的我来说，最后一次看到自己的面孔还是在克里姆太太家——是在克里姆太太家吗？当时，莫德硬要我穿她那件蓝色的丝绸裙子——是蓝色的？还是灰色的？——还举着小镜子。我双手捂住眼睛。那件裙子是蓝色的，我很肯定它是。哎呀，他们把我拖进疯人院的时候，我正穿着那件裙子呀！他们已经把那件裙子拿走了——还拿走了莫德母亲的包，和包里面所有的东西——发刷和梳子，亚麻内衣，那双红色呢子面拖鞋。我再没见过这些东西。取而代之的是——我低头看看自己，看看花格呢衣裳和胶鞋。我几乎已经渐渐习惯了这些东西。
I looked, as the lady had said, like a lunatic. My hair was still sewn to my head, but had grown or worked loose from its stitches, and stood out in tufts. My face was white but marked, here and there, with spots and scratches and fading bruises. My eyes were swollen — from want of sleep, I suppose — and red at the rims. My face was sharper than ever, my neck like a stick. The tartan gown hung on me like a laundry bag. From beneath its collar there showed the dirty white tips of the fingers of Maud’s old glove, that I still wore next to my heart. You could just make out, on the kid-skin, the marks of my teeth.
正如那个女人所说，我看上去就像个疯子。我头发还扎在头上，不过早就变得松松垮垮，从发卡上散落下来，还东一撮西一撮地翘着。我面色苍白，但脸上到处都是斑点，刮伤和消退的淤青。我眼窝深陷——因为缺少睡眠——眼圈发红。我的脸比先前消瘦，我的脖子像根竹杆。那件花格呢衣裳挂在我身上，活像个装脏衣裳的大口袋。我仍将莫德的旧手套揣在心口处，白色指套尖从衣领下露出来，脏兮兮的。你可以从小山羊皮手套的表面，看出我咬过的牙印。
Now I saw them again for what they were; and wished I might see them better. The nurse who had been set to watch us was sitting with her eyes closed, dozing in the sun, but a little to the left of her was the window that looked into the drawing-room. It was dark, and showed the line of circling ladies, clear as a mirror. One of them had stopped, and had her hand at her face. — I blinked. She blinked. She was me. I went slowly towards her, and looked myself over, in horror.
如今，我再次打量这些衣物，想看个究竟；也希望我能看得更清楚一点。派来看管我们的护士坐在那儿，眼睛合上了，光天化日之下，鼾声大作，不过靠她左边一点，有扇窗户，可以看到客厅。窗玻璃黑洞洞的，照出一队围成圈儿的女人，象镜子一样清楚。其中一个女人停下了脚步，手摸到脸上。——我眨眨眼。她也眨眨眼。那就是我。我缓步走上前，上下打量着我自己。
I looked, for perhaps a minute. I looked, and thought of all the times that Mrs Sucksby had washed and combed and shined my hair, when I was a girl. I thought of her warming her bed before she put me in it, so I should not take chills. I thought of her putting aside, for me, the tenderest morsels of meat; and smoothing my teeth, when they cut; and passing her hands across my arms and legs, to be sure that they grew straight. I remembered how close and safe she had kept me, all the years of my life.
我看着自己，看了大约一分钟。我呆望着，想起每回都是萨克丝贝太太给我洗头，梳头，护理头发，那时我还是小姑娘。我想起她抱我上床前，会先暖暖被窝，这样我就不会受凉。我想起她推开最嫩的肉块，就为了省给我吃。我的牙齿长尖了，她还帮我磨牙；用手捋我的胳膊和腿儿，以确保我胳膊腿儿都长得直。我想起，在我生命的这么些年头里，她是如何无微不至地照管我。
I had gone to Briar, to make my fortune, so I might share it with her. Now my fortune was gone. Maud Lilly had stolen it and given me hers. She was supposed to be here. She had made me be her, while she was loose in the world, and every glass she gazed at — as say, in milliners’ shops, while she was fitted with gowns; or in theatres; or in halls, as she went dancing — every glass showed her to be everything I was not — to be handsome, and cheerful, and proud, and free — I might have raged. I think I began to. Then I saw the look in my eye, and my face frightened me. I stood, not knowing what I should do, until the nurse on duty woke up, and came and jabbed me.
我去布莱尔，想去发笔横财，这样我就能跟她分享财富。如今我的横财都泡汤了。李莫德窃取了我的钱，却把她的命运加注在我身上。本以为她应该在这儿的。她逼我做了她，而她却在世上消失得无影无踪，她看到的每一面镜子——比如，在帽子店里，她试衣服的时候；或者在戏院里；或者在舞厅里，当她跳舞的时候——每一面镜子都照出她会拥有我没有的一切——美丽，开心，傲气，自由——我应该暴怒的。我觉得我有点怒了。这时我从自己眼睛里看到那副表情，我自己的面孔吓住了我自己。我就呆立在那儿，全然不知我该做什么，一直到值班护士睡醒了，过来戳了我一下。
“All right, Miss Vanity,” she said with a yawn. “I dare say your heels are worth looking at, too. So let’s see ’em.” She pushed me back into the middle of the turning line; and I bowed my head and walked, watching the hem of my skirt, my boots, the boots of the lady in front — anything, anything at all, to save me from lifting my gaze to the drawing-room window and seeing again the look in my own mad eye.
“好啦，虚荣心小姐，”她打了个哈欠说道。“我敢说你的脚跟儿也值得一看。所以就让我们看看吧。”她将我推回到转着圈儿的队伍中；我勾着头，走起来，眼睛看着裙子边儿，鞋子，前面女人的鞋——随便看什么，不管看什么，好不让我抬起眼看到客厅的窗玻璃，再从我自己那双疯狂的眼睛里看到那副神情。
Perhaps I ought to have made a mark, like convicts do, for every Sunday that came round; but of course, for many weeks there seemed no point — each time one came I thought that, by the next, I should have got out. Then I began to grow muddled. It seemed to me that some weeks had two or three Sundays in them. Others seemed to have none. All we could tell for certain was, that spring had turned to summer: for the days grew long, the sun grew fiercer; and the house grew hot, like an oven. I remember the heat, almost more than anything. It was enough to make you mad all by itself.
也许我应该做个记号，像囚犯那样，因为每个星期天都是这一套；不过，当然了，因为好多周都好象没什么事——每次新一周开始，我就想，到下周结束前，我会出去。然后我慢慢地开始过糊涂了。好像对于我来说，有的一周里面有两三个星期天。有的就似乎一个星期天也没有。我们有把握敢说的，只有春天变成了夏天：因为白天变长了，日头变毒了；房子里变热了，像个烤箱似的。我记得那股炎热劲，印象几乎比其他任何事都深。就这，就足够把你逼疯了。
That, I suppose, was at the end of June. It might have been sooner, though. It was hard to know what dates were what. It was hard to tell so much as the day — you only knew another week had gone by when, instead of spending all morning on your bed, you were made to stand in the drawing-room and listen while Dr Christie read prayers; then you knew it was a Sunday.
那时候是，我觉得，是六月底。不过也可能早了点。很难知道哪一天是几号。也很难聊到日期这种事——你只能凭这个知道又过去一周：如果你没有整个上午都躺在床上，而是不得不站在客厅里，听克里斯蒂医生念祷文；于是你就知道这是星期天了。
But the fact of it was, as we all knew, no other madhouse would have had them; and they wouldn’t have gone, anyway. They had it too easy. They talked all the time of how troublesome and sly their ladies were, and showed off bruises; but of course, the ladies were far too dazed and miserable to be sly, the trouble came all from the nurses when they fancied some sport. The rest of the time their job was the slightest one you can imagine, for they got us in bed at seven o’clock — gave us those draughts, to make us sleep — then they sat till midnight reading papers and books, making toast and cocoa, doing fancy-work, whistling, farting, standing at the door and calling down the hall to each other, even slipping in and out of each other’s rooms when they were especially bored, leaving their ladies locked up and unguarded.
他们会推搡着我们说，“为什么我要待在这儿，照看你们，穿一身羊毛衣服。”可是其中的事实是，正如我们都清楚的，没有哪家疯人院会要他们；怎么说他们都不会走。他们做得太轻松了。他们时时刻刻都在议论他们的女病人如何烦人，如何狡猾，还比试身上的淤青。可是，当然了，这些女人头脑都太过混乱，心里太过悲伤，根本狡猾不起来，麻烦事都是护士们想找点乐子，才搞出来的，其余的时间里，他们的工作就是你能想像到的最清闲的，因为他们七点就让我们上床——给我们服那些药，好让我们昏睡——然后他们一直坐到半夜里，看报纸，看书，做吐司和可可茶，钩毛线活儿，吹口哨，打屁。站在门口，喊大厅那边的人。特别无聊的时候，他们甚至在各房间里蹿进蹿出，将他们的女病人锁在屋子里，不予照管。
The air in our rooms, for instance, became like soup. I think one or two ladies actually died, through breathing that air — though of course, being medical men, Dr Graves and Dr Christie were able to pass off their deaths as strokes. I heard the nurses say that. They grew bad-tempered as the days grew warm. They complained of headaches and sweats. They complained of their gowns. “Why I stay here, looking after you, in wool,” they’d say, pulling us about, “when I might be at Tunbridge Asylum, where the nurses all wear poplin –!”
举例来说，我们病房里的空气，变得象汤上的热气。我想有一两个女人因为呼吸了这种空气，真的就死掉了——尽管如此，当然了，身为医务人员，格里夫斯医生和克里斯蒂医生可以他们的死亡中风。我听护士这么说来着。天气越来越暖和，他们脾气也越来越坏。他们抱怨头痛和出汗。他们还抱怨他们的衣裳。“我可以待在塔恩桥救济院，那儿的护士都穿着poplin——”
Nurse Bacon did, anyway. She complained of the heat more than anyone, because of the itch in her hands. She had Betty rubbing grease into her fingers ten times a day. Sometimes she would scream. And when the weather was at its warmest she put two china basins beside her bed and slept with her hands in water. That gave her dreams. “He’s too slippy!” she cried one night. And then, in a mumble: “There, I’ve lost him…”
培根护士就这么干来着。她喊热，比谁都喊得凶，因为她手指头痒痒。她叫贝蒂往她手指头上抹油膏，一天要抹十次。有时候她还尖叫。等天气到了最热的时候，她就在床边摆两个瓷盆，人睡着了两手就泡在水里。这令她不断做梦。“他太滑头了！”有天夜里她叫道。接着，嘀咕几句：“行了，我已经失去他了…”
I also dreamed. I seemed to dream every time I closed my eyes. I dreamed, as you might suppose I would, of Lant Street, of the Borough, of home. I dreamed of Mr Ibbs and Mrs Sucksby. — Those were troubling dreams, however; often I woke weeping from dreams like that. Now and then I dreamed only of the madhouse: I would dream I had woken and had my day. Then I really would wake, and have the day still to do — and yet, the day was so like the day I had dreamed, I might as well have dreamed them both. — Those dreams bewildered me.
我也做梦。我好象每次闭上眼睛都会做梦。我梦到，正如你能料想到的，蓝特街，镇子，还有家里。我梦到艾伯斯先生和萨克斯贝太太。——不过，这些都是令人心烦的梦；我经常从这样的梦里哭醒。我只是偶尔才会梦到这个疯人院：我会梦到我醒过来，开始我的一天。于是我真的醒了，还是如此这般地度过一天——不过，这一天跟我梦到的那一天特别像，我也有可能两个都梦到了。——这些梦令我烦乱不堪。
And in the mornings, when Dr Christie had made his round, they would take off their caps, unpin their hair, roll down their stockings and lift their skirts; and they gave us newspapers and made us stand beside them and fan their great white legs.
到了早上，等克里斯蒂医生巡视结束，他们会收好杯子，放开头发，把丝袜卷下来，裙子提上去；再把报纸塞给我们，让我们站在他们旁边，给他们的大白腿扇风。
The worst dreams of all, however, were the dreams I began to have as the weeks slipped by and the nights grew hotter and I began to get more and more muddled in my mind. They were dreams of Briar, and of Maud.
然而，这些梦里最糟糕的梦，是随着时间一周一周滑过，夜晚越来越炎热，我脑袋越来越迷瞪，我开始做的那些梦。那是有布莱尔，和莫德的梦。
For I never dreamed of her as I knew she really was — as a viper or a thief. I never dreamed of Gentleman. I only ever used to dream that we were back in her uncle’s house, and I was her maid. I dreamed we walked to her mother’s grave, or sat by the river. I dreamed I dressed her and brushed her hair. I dreamed — you can’t be blamed, can you, for what you dream? — I dreamed I loved her. I knew I hated her. I knew I wanted to kill her. But sometimes I would wake, in the night, not knowing. I would open my eyes and look about me, and the room would be so warm everyone would have turned and fretted in their beds — I would see Betty’s great bare leg, Nurse Bacon’s sweating face, Miss Wilson’s arm. Mrs Price put back her hair as she slept, rather in the way that Maud had used to do: I would gaze at her in my half-sleep and quite forget the weeks that had passed, since the end of April.
我从来没梦到过她，因为我知道她的真面目是——一条毒蛇，或者一个小偷。我从来没梦到过绅士。我只是曾经梦到过我们回到她舅舅的宅子里，我是她的女仆。我梦见我们走到她母亲的墓跟前，或者坐在河边。我梦到我给她更衣，给她梳头。我梦到——你不会因为你的梦而受到责备，对吗？——我梦到我爱她。我知道我恨她。我知道我想杀了她。可是，有时候，夜里我会醒过来，什么都不知道了。我会睁开眼睛，看看身边，病房里如此闷热，每个人都在床上翻来覆去，烦躁不已——我能看到贝蒂的大光腿儿，培根护士汗津津的脸，还有威尔森小姐的胳膊。皮瑞斯太太睡觉的时候，就把头发放在脑袋上方，恰恰是莫德过去睡觉的姿势：我睡眼惺忪地盯着她，全忘记了自四月底以来，熬过去的几周时光。
I would wake in a kind of dread, to think that, like Nurse Bacon, I might have said the words aloud — or sighed, or quivered. And then I would lie and be filled with a terrible shame. For I hated her! I hated her! — and yet I knew that, every time, I secretly wished that the dream had gone on to its end.
我在某种恐惧中醒来，想到这些，跟培根护士一样，我可能也会大声说梦话——或者叹气，或者抽搐。这时我躺在床上，心里充满强烈的羞愤之情。因为我恨她！我恨她！——不过我知道，每一回，我暗地里都希望那个梦能做到头。
“Don’t be frightened,” I would always answer. “Oh, don’t be frightened.” — And at that moment, the dream would slip from me and I would wake.
“别害怕！”我总是会这么回答她。“噢，别害怕。”——就在这时，梦境便从我身上溜走，我就醒过来了。
I would forget the flight from Briar, forget the wedding in the black flint church, forget the days at Mrs Cream’s, the drive to the madhouse, the awful trick; forget I meant to escape, and what I planned to do when I had done it. I would only think, in a kind of panic, Where is she? Where is she? — and then, with a rush of relief: There she is… I would close my eyes again and, in an instant, be not in my bed at all but in hers. The curtains would be let down, and she would be beside me. I would feel her breath. “How close the night is, tonight!” she would say, in her soft voice; and then: “I’m afraid! I’m afraid –!”
我会忘记从布莱尔出逃，忘记黑石砌成的教堂里的婚礼，忘记在克里姆太太家的日子，来疯人院的行程，可怕的骗局；忘记我打算逃跑，逃出去之后计划要做什么。我只会心怀某种惊恐地想，她在哪儿？她在哪儿？随后，随着一阵宽慰：她在这儿…我又会闭上眼睛，有一瞬间，我不在自己床上，而在她床上。床帷都放下来了，她就在我身边，我能感觉到她的呼吸。“今天晚上多闷啊！”她会用她柔美的声音说道；然后：“我害怕！我害怕！”
You caught the commotion of it from your bed: the shrieking, the ringing of bells, the pounding of running feet. It broke into the hot and silent night, like a clap of thunder; and though you knew, each time, what it was, still the sounds came so strangely — and sometimes one lady would set off another; and then you would lie and wonder whether that mightn’t set off you, and you would seem to feel the fit gathering inside you, you would start to sweat, perhaps to twitch — oh, those were dreadful nights!
你在床上能捕捉到那种骚动：尖叫声，铃铛声，跑动的脚步声。这动静划破了炎热寂静的夜晚，好似一声霹雳雷鸣。虽然每一回你都知道，这究竟是什么声音，这听来还是很奇怪——有时候，一个人叫了，就把其他人也发动起来，然后你就会躺在床上，心里还觉得奇怪呢，这动静是否没有把你发动起来，你好象会感觉到病症在你身体里聚集，你就出汗，说不定还抽搐两下——噢，多么令人痛苦的夜晚啊！
I began to be afraid I would rise in my sleep. Say I tried to kiss Mrs Price, or Betty? But if I tried to stay awake, then I grew bewildered. I imagined fearful things. Those nights were queer nights. For though the heat made us all grow stupid, it also now and then sent ladies — even quiet, obedient ladies — into fits.
我开始担心我会从睡梦中坐起来。要是我跑去亲皮瑞斯太太，或者贝蒂，那可如何是好？但是，如果我要一直醒着，那我就会变得昏头涨脑的。我想象着可怕的事物。那是些奇异的夜晚。因为，尽管热气把我们所有人都弄得傻蠢头蠢脑的，这热气也会时不时地将女士们——甚至是些安静的，顺从的女士们——逼得神经大发作。
Betty might moan. Mrs Price would start to weep. Nurse Bacon would rise: “Hush! Hush!” she’d say. She would open the door, lean out and listen. Then the shrieking would stop, the footsteps begin to fade.
贝蒂会呻吟。皮瑞斯太太会哭泣。培根护士会坐起身：“嘘！嘘！”她会说道。她会打开门，探出身子听听动静。然后，尖叫声就会停下，脚步声渐渐隐去。
“That’s got her,” she’d say. “Now, will they pad her, I wonder, or plunge her?” — and at that word, plunge, Betty would moan again, and Mrs Price and even old Miss Wilson wouid shudder and hide their heads. I didn’t know why.
“抓走了，”她会说道。“好了，我真想知道，他们送她去包间？还是去泡澡？”——一听到那个词：泡澡，贝蒂又会发出呻吟，皮瑞斯太太，甚至连老威尔森太太，都会浑身一震，缩头藏起来。我也不知道是何故。
But then, one time, it was. We woke to the sound of choking and found sad Mrs Price on the floor beside her bed, biting her fingers so hard she was making them bleed. Nurse Bacon went for the bell, and the men and Dr Christie came running: they bound Mrs Price and carried her off downstairs, and when they brought her back, an hour later, her gown and her hair were streaming water and she looked half-drowned. — I learned then that being plunged meant being dropped in a bath. That gave me some comfort, at least; for it seemed to me that being bathed could not be nearly so bad as being suckered and pumped… I still knew nothing, nothing, nothing at all.
可是随后，有一回，就真有了。我们被一阵压抑的闷吼声吵醒，发现伤心的皮瑞斯太太躺在床边地板上，使劲咬着她自己的手指头，都咬出血来了。培根护士过去拉响了铃铛，克里斯蒂医生和几个壮汉跑过来：他们把皮瑞斯太太捆起来，把她抬下楼去，过了一个小时，等他们又把她送回来时，她的衣裳和头发都在淌水，人看上去已经淹得半死啦。——于是我便知道，泡澡的意思是掉到澡盆里了。这至少，给了我些许安慰；因为对我来说，给人洗刷一番，并不像给人又抽又灌那么受罪——我仍然丝毫不知内情。
“I don’t know what you’re quaking at,” she would say to all of us, nastily, as she went back to her bed. “Wasn’t one of you that went off, was it?”
等她回到床上，她嘴里会不干不净地对我们大伙说：“我真不明白你们抖个什么劲，你们里边还有谁没睡着吗？有吗？”
The word was a peculiar one and no-one would explain it: I could only suppose it must involve being pumped, like a drain, with a black rubber sucker. That thought was so horrible that soon whenever Nurse Bacon said it I began to shudder, too.
这个词挺特别的，也没人解释一下：我只好以为那肯定跟灌水抽水有关系，像排水管之类的，带一根黑色橡皮管子。这个想法如此可怕，马上，甭管培根护士什么时候说起这个词，我就也跟着浑身一颤。
They had beer on this night, on account of it being Nurse Bacon’s birthday night; and because it was hot they took too much of it and got drunk. I lay with the sheet across my face, but kept my eyes half open. I dared not try to sleep while they were there, in case I dreamed of Maud again; for it had got with me what you might call — or what Dr Christie, I suppose, might call — a morbid fear, of giving myself away. And then again, I thought I ought to keep awake, in case they drank so much they drank themselves into a stupor; for then I could rise and steal their keys…
这天晚上他们就在喝啤酒，因为那是培根护士的生日之夜；因为天气太热，他们就多喝了几杯，喝高了。我躺在床上，用床单蒙着脸，眼睛却半睁半闭。有他们在旁边，我就不敢睡着了，万一我又梦到莫德；因为这些梦已经带给我，你可以称之为——或者克里斯蒂医生，我觉得，可能会称之为——一种病态的恐惧，恐惧自己会泄露心事。于是，我再次认为，我应当保持清醒，万一他们喝多了，喝到不省人事；这时候我就能起来，把他们的钥匙偷到手…
Then something happened. There came a day — I think it was the hottest day of all that stifling summer — that turned out to be Nurse Bacon’s birthday; and on the night of it, she had some other nurses come secretly to our room, to give them a party. They did this, sometimes, as I think I have said. They weren’t allowed to, and their talking made it harder than ever for the rest of us to sleep; but we should never have dared tell a doctor — for then the nurses would have put it down to delusions and, after, hit us. They made us lie very still, while they sat about playing cards or dominoes, drinking lemonade and, sometimes, beer.
后来发生了一件事。培根的生日——我想，那是那个闷死人的夏天里最热的一天——到来了；当天晚上，她私下叫了几个护士来我们病房，搞了个生日聚会。有时候他们会这样，正如我想我曾提到过的。他们这么干，都未经允许。他们说起话来，就让我们这些人更睡不着了；可是我们从来都不敢跟医生说——因为，跟医生说了，护士们就会辩称那是幻觉，之后，再回来揍我们一顿。他们让我们一动不也不能动地躺着，自己就玩牌，要么赌钱，喝柠檬水，有时候还喝啤酒。
At last I looked at their fat red sweating faces and their great wet open mouths, and wished I had a gun and could shoot them.
最后，我望着他们红彤彤汗津津的大胖脸，和湿漉漉的大嘴巴，心里巴望着手里能有一支枪，好把他们都毙了。
“Let us see yours, Belinda,” another cried then. Belinda was Nurse Bacon. They all had dainty names like that. You could imagine their mothers looking at them when they were babies, thinking they would grow up ballerinas.
“让我们看看你的，贝琳达，”于是另一位叫道。贝琳达就是培根护士。他们都有这种悦耳动听的名字。你可想而知，在他们还是小孩子的时候，他们的母亲望着他们，还想着他们会长成芭蕾舞女主角。
They sat boasting of which ladies they had recently hurt, and how they had done it. They fell to comparing grips. They put their hands to one another’s, palm to palm, to see who had the biggest. Then one of them showed her arm.
他们坐在那儿，呱唧呱唧地高谈阔论，谈论哪些女士新近又被他们打伤了，谈论他们如何打伤她们。他们又开始比手劲。他们手掌贴着手掌，看谁的手最大。然后其中一位又亮出胳膊。
They did not, however. Instead, they grew livelier and more noisy and red in the face, and the room grew hotter. I think that now and then I did fall into a doze: I began to hear their voices like the far-off, hollow voices you hear in dreams. Then, every so often one of them would give a shout, or snort with laughter; the others would shush her, then snort with laughter themselves that would bring me back to myself, with a horrible jolt.
可是，他们没有不省人事。相反，他们变得更活跃更吵闹，都面红耳赤的，房间里也越来越热。我想我偶尔会打个盹儿：我开始觉得他们的声音，就好像你在睡梦里听到的，那种遥远的，有回响的声音。这时，他们中间某个人就会大叫一声，或者爆出一阵大笑。然后，其他人就会嘘她，叫她小声点，然后，这些人自己也会吃吃地傻笑一阵——这就令我猛地一震，又回过神来。
“Go on, let us see it.” Nurse Bacon pretended to look modest; then she put back her cuff. Her arm was thick as a coal-whipper’s, but white. When she bent it, it bulged. “That’s Irish muscle,” she said, “come down on my grandmother’s side.” The other nurses felt it, and whistled. Then one of them said, “I should say, with an arm like that, you’re almost a match for Nurse Flew.”
“来吧，让我们看看。”培根护士还装出一副矜持的样子；随后她挽起衣袖。她的胳膊跟卸煤炭的工人一样粗，只是很白而已。她一曲前臂，肌肉就鼓起来了。“这是爱尔兰人的肌肉，”她说道，“我奶奶这边传过来的。”旁的护士摸摸她的肌肉，窃窃私语。然后，其中一位说道，“我得说，有这么一条膀子，你快跟福洛护士有一拼了。”
Nurse Flew was a swivel-eyed woman with a room on the floor below. She was said to have once been a matron in a gaol.
福洛护士是个眼睛会骨碌碌乱转的女人，她看护的病房就在楼下。人们说，她曾经是一座监狱里的女看守。
Now Nurse Bacon coloured up. “A match?” she said. “I should like to see her arm beside mine, that’s all. Then we’d see whose was the greater. A match? I’ll match her, all right!”
这时，培根护士脸上变了颜色。“有一拼？”她说道。“我倒是愿意看到她把胳膊放在我旁边，就这样。到时候我们再看谁的胳膊最粗，有一拼？好吧，我就跟她拼一拼！”
She did not see me, watching her and wishing her dead through half-closed eyes. She showed her arm again, and again made the muscle bulge. “A match, indeed,” she grumbled. She nodded to one of the nurses. “You fetch Nurse Flew up here. Then we’ll see. Margaretta, you get a string.”
她没看我，没见我半睁半闭的眼睛盯着她，希望她立马死掉。她又亮出胳膊，又把肌肉鼓起来。“有一拼，确实是啊，”她嘟囔道。她朝一个护士点点头。“你去把福洛护士叫上来。到时候我们就看到了。玛格丽塔，你去找根绳子。”
Her voice woke Betty and Mrs Price. She looked, and saw them stirring. “Get back to sleep,” she said.
她的声音惊醒了贝蒂和皮瑞斯太太。她看了看，见他们动了动。“回去睡觉，”她说道。
The nurses rose, and swayed, and tittered, and then went off.
那护士站起身，摇摇晃晃地，嘿嘿傻笑着，出门去了。
The first came back after a minute with Nurse Flew, Nurse Spiller, and the dark-headed nurse that had helped to undress me on my first day. They had all been drinking together, downstairs. Nurse Spiller looked about her with her hands on her hips and said, “Well, if Dr Christie could see you!” She belched. “What’s this about arms?”
过了一分钟，头一个护士回来了，后边跟着福洛护士，斯皮乐护士，还有我第一天到这里时，帮我换衣裳的那位黑脸护士。刚才他们聚在楼下喝酒。斯皮乐护士手捧着自己的屁股，看看周围，说道，“得了，你要是给克里斯蒂医生看到了！”她打了个嗝。“干吗要看胳膊？”
She bared her own. Nurse Flew and the dark nurse bared theirs.
她剥开袖子露出胳膊。福洛护士和黑脸护士也照此办理。
The other nurse came back with a length of ribbon and a ruler, and they took it in turns to measure their muscles.
另一个护士回来了，拿来一根带子和一把尺子，他们就轮流拿这玩意量他们的肌肉。
“Fifteen!” they cried, their voices rising. Then: “Sixteen! — Seventeen! — Eighteen-and-a-half! — Nineteen! Nurse Flew has it!”
“十五寸！”他们叫道，声音渐渐提高了。接着：“十六寸！——十七寸！——十八寸半！——十九寸！福洛护士有十九寸！”
I watched them do it, as a man in a darkened wood might, disbelieving his own eyes, watch goblins; for they stood in a ring and moved the lamp from arm to arm, and it threw strange lights and cast queer shadows; and the beer, and the heat, and the excitement of the measuring made them seem to lurch and hop.
我望着他们这么做，就好象一个人在幽暗的森林里，不相信他自己的眼睛，看到了小精灵；因为他们站成一圈，提着灯，照照这人的胳膊，又照照那人的胳膊，灯投射出的光线有点怪异，照出来的影子千奇百怪。那啤酒，那闷热，那量胳膊的兴奋劲儿让他们又摇又晃又跳脚。
They broke their circle then, and put down the light, and fell about quarrelling — not so much like goblins, suddenly, as like sailors. You half expected them to have tattoos.
于是他们围起来的圈子乱了，他们放下灯，开始陷入争论——忽然间，也不是特别象小精灵了，倒是像水手。你会半信半疑地认为他们身上带着文身。
She rubbed her hands across her waist. “Now, what about weight?” She put up her chin. “Who here says they’re heavier than me?”
她两手放在腰间搓了搓。“好了，比比分量如何？”她抬起下巴。“这儿有谁说她比我重来着？”
“It’s no good,” they said. “You wriggle about so, we can’t tell. We need another way. What say you stand upon a chair and jump? We’ll see who makes the floor creak most.”
“这不好搞，”他们说道，“你们扭得这么厉害，我们都说不清了。我们要找个别的办法。你站到一把椅子上，跳下来怎么样？我们来看谁最能把地板蹦碎了。”
Nurse Bacon’s face was darker than ever. She said sulkily, “As to arms, well, I’ll let Nurse Flew take it this time; though I’m sure fat oughtn’t to count the same as muscle.”
培根护士的脸前所未有的阴沉。她不高兴地说道，“至于胳膊，算了，这次我就让福洛护士占上风了；虽然我敢肯定，肥肉不应该当成肌肉一样算。”
Nurse Spiller snorted. “She’d squeak for Belinda,” she said, “every time. Don’t make it her, that ain’t fair. Make it old Miss Wilson.”
斯皮乐护士嗤之以鼻。“她会被贝琳达弄得咯吱咯吱叫，”她说道，“每次都会。别找她，这不公平。找老威尔森小姐。”
At once, two or three of them got up beside her and said they were. The others tried to pick them up, in order to prove it. One of them fell down.
立马，有三两个人站到她身边，说他们比她重。为证明之，其他人就试着把他们评出来。其中一个不干了。
“What say,” said the dark-haired nurse with a laugh, “you jump on Betty? See who makes her creak.”
“要是这样，”黑头发护士大笑着说道，“你跳到贝蒂身上如何？看看谁能把她蹦碎了。”
“See who makes her squeak!” They looked at Betty’s bed. Betty had opened her eyes at the sound of her name — now she shut them and began to shake.
“看谁能把她弄的吱吱咯咯叫！”他们望着贝蒂的床。贝蒂一听到她的名字，早睁开了双眼——这时她又闭上双眼，开始瑟瑟发抖。
“She’d squeak all right!”
“她会告密的！”
“She’d cry! Crying’s no — ” :
“她会叫喊的！叫喊是不——”
“Or, Mrs Price.”
“要么，皮瑞斯太太。”
One of them said it — I don’t know who — and, though they had all been laughing, now their laughter died. I think they looked at each other. Then Nurse Spiller spoke.
他们中的一位说了这句话——我不知道是谁——此前他们也哈哈大笑，不过这会儿他们快笑死了。我想他们互相看了看。然后斯皮乐护士开口了。
“Make it Maud!”
“找莫德！”
“Pass a chair,” I heard her say, “for standing on –“
“搬个椅子过来，”我听她说道，“好站上去——”
“Wait! Wait!” cried another nurse. “What are you thinking of? You cant jump on her, it’ll kill her.” She paused, as if to wipe her mouth. “Lie on her, instead.”
“等等！等等！”另一个护士叫道。“你在想什么呢？你可不能跳到她身上去，会弄死她的。”她顿住，好象舔了舔嘴唇。“倒不如，躺到她身上。”
And at that, I put back the sheet from my face and opened my eyes up wide. Perhaps I shouldn’t have done it, just then. Perhaps, after all, they had only been larking.
于是，终于，我掀开蒙在脸上的床单，睁开眼睛。也许，当时我不该这么做。也许，毕竟，他们只是口出戏言作弄我。
But I put back the sheet, and they saw me looking; and then they all started laughing again and came towards me in a rush. They plucked the blankets off me and took the pillow from under my head. Two of them leaned on my feet, and another two caught my arms. They did it in a moment. They were like one great hot sweating beast with fifty heads, with fifty panting mouths and a hundred hands. When I struggled, they pinched me. I said, “You leave me alone!”
可是我掀开床单，他们看到我在看他们；于是他们所有人又开始哈哈大笑，并朝我扑将过来。他们从我身扯下毯子，又从我脑袋下面抽走枕头，其中两个人躬身来抓我的脚，另外两个人抓住我胳膊。眨眼的工夫他们就得手了。他们就像是一只巨大的、满身是汗和热气的野兽，有五十个头，五十个喷着热气的嘴，还有一百只手。当我挣扎时，他们就掐我。我说道，“你们放开我！”
“I will,” I heard Nurse Flew say, and the others moved back a little for her to come forward. She was smoothing down her gown. “Have you got her?” she said.
“我来，”我听见福洛护士说道，旁的人都退后一小步，好给她让出地方起跑。她抹抹衣裳。“你们把她抓牢了吗？”她说道。
Someone hit me in the face. Someone else jerked my leg. “Spoil sport,” they said. “Now, who’s to go on her first?”
有人给我一记耳光。还有谁猛地扯了一把我的腿。“败兴的东西，”他们说道。“好了，谁第一个跳？”
“We’ve got her.”
“我们抓牢了。”
“Get off me! Get off me! I’ll tell Dr Christie!”
“放开我！放开我！我要跟克里斯蒂医生讲！”
“Shut up,” they said. “We aren’t going to hurt you. We only want to see who’s heaviest out of Nurse Bacon, Nurse Spiller and Nurse Flew. We only want to see which of them will make you squeak most. Are you ready?”
“闭嘴！”他们说道。“我们不是要伤害你。我们就是想看看培根护士、斯皮乐护士和福洛护士里谁最重。我们就是想看看他们里边谁能让你叫得最响。你准备好了吗？”
“Right. Hold her still.”
“好咧。可要抓稳了！”
Then they pulled me tight, as if I were a wet sheet and they meant to wring me. My thoughts, at that moment, aren’t fit to be described. I was sure they would tear the arms and legs off me. I was sure they would snap my bones. I started to shout and, again, I was struck in the face and jerked about; so then I fell silent. Then Nurse Flew got on to the bed and, lifting up her skirt, knelt astride of me. The bed gave a creak. She rubbed her hands and fixed me with her swivel-eye.
于是他们紧紧拖住我，就好象我是个湿床单，他们要绞干我似的。我的心情，在那一刻，实在难以形容。我确定，他们会把我的胳膊腿儿都从我身上拽下来。我确定，他们会拗断我的骨头。我开始吼叫，然后，我又吃了一记耳光，四肢被扯开去。所以我陷入沉默。这时，福洛护士上了床，提着裙子，膝盖跪床，人骑在我身上。那床咯吱作响。她搓搓双手，咕碌碌乱转的眼睛盯牢我。
I sucked in my breath, I spluttered and coughed. Then they drew me tight again, for Nurse Spiller’s turn. She was worse than Nurse Flew — not heavier, but more awkward, for she lay with the points of her limbs, her knees and her elbows and her hips, pressing hard into mine; and her corset was a stiff one, with edges that seemed to cut me like a saw. Her hair had an oil upon it and smelt sour, and her breath was loud, like thunder, in my ear. “Come on, you little bitch,” she said to me, “sing out!” — but I had some pride, even then. I closed my jaws and wouldn’t, though she pressed and pressed; at last the nurses cried, “Oh, shame! No points for Nurse Spiller at all!” — and she gave a final grind to her knees, and swore, and got off.
我吸了一口气，不由咳嗽起来，喷出了口水。这时候，他们又把我拽紧了，轮到斯皮乐护士了。她比福洛护士还可怕些——不重，但是更难对付，因为她躺下来，她身体四肢，膝盖，胳膊肘和屁股，都狠狠地戳到我身上；她的紧身衣是那种硬的，还带着边儿，那边儿简直象锯子，要把我剖成两半。她头发里有发油，闻起来有股酸味，她喘气很大声，在我耳中听来，像雷公一样。“来吧，你个小娼妇，”她对我说道，“叫呀！”——可是即便如此，我还是有点自尊心的。纵使她压了又压，我就紧咬牙关，就不出声。最后，护士们叫起来了，“噢！真丢人！斯皮乐护士压根就一分没得着！”她用膝盖碾了最后一下，才骂骂咧咧地让开了。
My eyes, my nose and mouth, began to run. “Please –!” I said.
我的眼睛，鼻子和嘴巴，都开始乱跑了。“求你——”我说道。
Nurse Bacon had stopped her. “No dropping,” she said. “Dropping won’t be fair. Go down slowly, or not at all.”
培根护士拦住了她。“不能用力。”她说道。“用力就不公平了。慢慢地落下来，要么就不玩。”
“Here I come!” she said, making to fall upon me. But the fall never came, though I screwed up my face and drew in my breath, to take it.
“我来了哦！”她说着，便作势要落到我身上。不过没落下来，虽然我把脸拧到一旁，屏住了呼吸，静待着这一下。
They eased off tugging me, then. Nurse Flew kissed my cheek and got off me, and I saw her stand with her hands above her head, like the winner of a boxing match.
于是他们手里松了点力气。福洛护士亲了一下我的脸，放开了我，我看到她站在那儿，双手举过头，好似个拳击比赛冠军一般。
So Nurse Flew moved back, then came slowly forward, and lowered herself down by her hands and knees until her weight was all upon me. The breath I had drawn in was all squeezed out. I think, if I had had a floor under-neath me instead of a bed, she would have killed me.
于是，福洛护士退回去，再慢慢地朝前倒下，自己用手和膝盖放缓落下过程，一直到她人全压在我身上。我屏住的那一口气，也全喷出来了。我心想，要是我身下是地板，而不是床，那她非得把我压死不可。
“She cries Please!” said the dark-haired nurse. “That means five points to Nurse Flew!”
“她说求求你！”黑头发护士说道。“这说明福洛护士得了五分！”
I lifted my head from the mattress. My eyes were streaming water, but beyond the circle of nurses I could see Betty and Miss Wilson and Mrs Price, looking on and shaking but pretending to sleep. They were afraid of what might be done to them. I don’t blame them.
我抬起头来。我的眼睛在喷着水儿，不过我能看到，在护士围成的圈子外面，贝蒂和威尔森小姐，还有皮瑞斯太太，望着这边，浑身打颤，却假装睡着了。他们是害怕有什么倒霉事会落到他们身上。我不怪他们。
I let my head fall back, and again shut tight my jaws. Now came Nurse Bacon. Her cheeks were still flushed, and her swollen hands so red against the white of her arms, she might have had gloves on. She sat astride of me as Nurse Flew had, and flexed her fingers.
我头落到床垫上，又咬紧了牙关。这次来的是培根护士。她依旧面孔通红，她肿胀的双手如此之红，与她胳膊上的白皮肤对比分明，她应该戴手套的。她像福洛护士那样，骑在我身上，活动一下手指头。
Then she came upon me. She came faster than the others, and the shock and the weight of her was awful. I cried out, and the nurses clapped. “Ten points!” they said.
然后她落到我身上。她落得比别人快一些，落下的冲击和她的分量非常吓人。我叫喊出来，护士们在一旁鼓掌喝彩。“十分！”他们说道。
“Now, Maud,” she said. She caught hold of the hem of my nightgown, and pulled it and made it tidy. She patted my leg. “Now then, Miss Muffet. Who’s my own good girl?”
“好了，莫德，”她说道。她抓起我睡衣的褶边儿，拉直了，放平整。她拍拍我的腿。“好了，那么，玛菲特小姐（Miss Muffet）。谁是我的自己人呢？”
Nurse Bacon laughed. I felt the shudder of it, like rolling-pins; and that made me screw up my eyes and cry out louder. Then she shuddered again, on purpose. The nurses cheered. Then she did this. She pushed herself up on her hands, so that her face was above me but her bosom and stomach and legs still hard on my own; and she moved her hips. She moved them in a certain way. My eyes flew open. She gave me a leer.
培根护士哈哈大笑。我感觉到她笑声引发的震动，好象擀面杖在捣；令我眯起眼睛，叫唤的更凶了。这时她又颠，故意的。护士们都兴高采烈的。然后她这么干来着。她两手撑起身子，这样她的脸就正对着我了，可她的胸脯、肚子和腿儿却还重重地压在我身上；她颠起了屁股。她以某中特定的方式颠着屁股。我猛然睁开眼睛。她斜睨了我一眼。
Then, I can’t quite say what happened. I think the nurses that were holding me let go; but I think I kept on struggling and shrieking, as if they had me still. Nurse Bacon rolled from me; I think that someone — probably, Nurse Spiller — hit me; yet still my fit kept on.
她鼻子被撞破了。她惨叫一声。随后鲜血滴到我脸上。后来呢，究竟发生了什么，我也说不太清楚。我觉得拽着我的护士们都闪到了一旁，可是我觉得我一直在挣扎，一直在尖叫，就好象他们还拽着我。培根护士从我身上滚下去了；我觉得有人——很可能，是斯皮乐护士——打了我；但是我的癫狂仍在继续。
“Like it, do you?” she said, still moving. “No? We heard you did.”
“你喜欢这样，不是吗？”她说道，屁股还在动。“不喜欢？我们听说你喜欢呀。”
“Get off me!” I shrieked. “Get off me! Get off me! Get off!”
“放开我！”我尖叫道。“放开我！放开我！放开！”
Nurse Bacon felt me wriggle, and her laughter died. She pushed again upon me, harder, with her hips. I saw her hot red face above my own and butted it with my head. Her nose went crack. She gave a cry. There came blood on my cheek.
培根护士感觉到我在扭动，她要笑死了。她用屁股又顶了我一下，力气更大了。我见她又热又红的脸正对着我的脸，便迎面撞上去。
And at that, the nurses roared. They roared, and I saw on their faces as they gazed at me that nasty look I had seen before but never understood. I understood it now, of course; and all at once I guessed what Maud must have said to Dr Christie, that time at Mrs Cream’s. The thought that she had said it — that she had said it, before Gentleman, as a way of making me out to be mad — struck me like a blow to the heart. I had had many such blows, since I left Briar; but this, just then, seemed like the worst. It was as if I were filled with gunpowder, and had just been touched with a match. I began to struggle, and to shriek.
一听此言，护士们都怪叫起来。他们又吼又叫，他们看着我，我看到他们一脸猥亵神色，我以前也见过，却从不明白其中含义。此刻我当然明白了；我立刻就猜到了，莫德肯定跟克里斯蒂医生说了什么，我猜到她说了什么，那次在克里姆太太家。她说了这件事——她说了，当着绅士的面，作为把我搞成个疯子的手段之一——这想法令我备受打击，如万箭穿心。自从我离开布莱尔，已遭受多重打击，但是这件事，在当时，确实是最沉重的一击。于是，我好似装满了火药，正碰到了火柴。我开始奋力挣扎，尖叫。
“What was it?” Dr Christie said again. “A dream?”
“什么原因？”克里斯蒂医生又说道。“发梦吗？”
I have an idea that Betty started up bellowing — that other ladies, in rooms close by, took up the screams and shouts from ours. I think the nurses ran.
我有点印象，贝蒂开始大吼大叫——其他病人，旁边病房的，和着我们的尖叫呼喝，也嚷嚷起来。我觉得护士们跑来跑去的。
“Catch up these bottles and cups!” I heard one of them say, as she flew off with the others. Then someone must have taken fright and caught hold of one of the handles in the hall: there came a bell.
其中一位跟着大伙一拥而去时，我听她说道，“拿着这些瓶子和杯子！”这时，肯定有谁惊恐万分，抓住了大厅里的手柄：传来一阵铃声。
The bell brought men and then, after another minute, Dr Christie. He was pulling on his coat. He saw me, still kicking and thrashing on the bed, with the blood from Nurse Bacon’s nose upon me.
铃声招来了壮汉们，接着，过了一分钟，克里斯蒂医生来了。他正将衣裳往身上披。看到我，我还躺在床上踢打翻腾，脸上带着培根护士鼻子里流出来的血。
“She’s in a paroxysm,” he cried. “A bad one. Good Lord, what was it set her off?”
“她正处于发作期，”他叫道。“发得很厉害。万能的主啊，是什么原因让她发作起来的？”
Nurse Bacon said nothing. She had her hand at her face, but her eyes were on mine.
培根护士一句话也不说。她手捂着脸，可是却盯着我的眼睛。
That made me shriek all over again. Dr Christie said, “Right. We know our treatment for paroxysms. You men, and Nurse Spiller. Cold water plunge. Thirty minutes.”
这些话让我又不顾一切地尖叫。克里斯蒂医生说道，“好的。我们知道发病期的治疗方法。你们，还有斯皮乐护士。冷水浸泡。三十分钟。”
“A dream,” she answered. Then she looked at him, and started into life. “Oh, Dr Christie,” she said, “she was saying a lady’s name, and moving, as she slept!”
“发梦了。”她答道。然后她望着他，又醒过神来。“噢，克里斯蒂医生，”她说道，“她睡觉的时候，叫着一个女士的名字，还乱动。”
The men caught hold of me by the arms and picked me up. I had been pressed so hard by the nurses that it seemed to me now, as they set me upright, that I was beginning to float.
那几个壮汉，七手八脚地抓住我，把我拎起来。先前被护士压得太狠，这会儿，当他们把我向上提起来，我好象有些飘飘然了。
What I recall most is the wooden frame they fixed me to, at the arms and legs; and then, the creaking of it, as they winched it up and swung it over the water; the swaying of it, as I pulled against the straps. Then I remember the drop, as they let fly the wheel — the shock, as they caught it — the closing of the icy water over my face, the rushing of it into my mouth and nose, as I tried to gasp — the sucking of it, when I spluttered and coughed.
我记得最清楚的，是他们拿来绑我胳膊和腿脚的木头架子；还有他们将木头架子摇起来，又放下去，荡在水面上时，那咯吱作响的声音；当我给皮带兜住，木头架子摇摇欲坠的架势。然后我记得，当他们让轱辘飞转，我的猛然坠落——那种惊恐，当他们又将轱辘停住——正欲喘息时，面孔贴近冰冷水面的感觉，和那冰水予我口鼻的冲击——口鼻吸入了冰水，我便被呛住了，不住咳嗽。
In fact, they dragged me: I found the grazes upon my toes, next day. But I don’t remember, now, being taken down from that floor, to the basement of the house. I don’t remember passing the door to the pads — going on, down that dark corridor, to the room where they kept the bath. I remember the roaring of the faucets, the chill of the tiles beneath my feet — but, only dimly.
其实，他们是把我拖走的：第二天我在脚尖上看到了擦伤。可是，现在我想不起当时给他们带下了楼，带到地窖里。我想不起穿过去包间的门——一直走，走下那个幽暗的通道，走到他们放澡盆的房间。我记得几个水龙头之轰然有声，脚下地砖之冰冷——可是，都只是模糊的记忆。
I thought they had hanged me.
我以为他们会吊死我。
I thought I had died. Then they winched me up, and dropped me again. A minute to winch me, and a minute to plunge. Fifteen plunges in all. Fifteen shocks. Fifteen tugs on the rope of my life.
我以为我已经死了。这时他们又把我升起来了，然后又把我放下去。一下升起，一下降落。一共玩了十五个回合。十五次惊悚。我的生命之环张紧了十五次。
There was talk of putting canvas bracelets on me, in case I should break out in another fit; but I lay so quietly, they gave the idea up. Nurse Bacon spoke with Dr Christie, in my behalf. Her eye was black where I had butted it, and I supposed that, getting me alone, she would knock me about — I think that, if she had, I would have taken the blows, unflinching.
他们说起过，用帆布带子把我捆起来，以免我再次发病；可见我如此安静地躺着，他们便放弃了这个念头。培根护士向克里斯蒂医生报告我的行为举止。她眼睛还青着，那就是我撞的，我觉得，要是我落了单，她就会胖揍我一顿——我心想，要是她这么干，那我就给她打，不还手。
They might have killed me, after all. I lay in darkness. I did not dream. I did not think. You could not say I was myself, for I was no-one. Perhaps I never was to be quite myself, again. For when I woke, everything was changed. They put me back in my old gown and my old boots and took me back to my old room, and I went with them just like a lamb. I was covered in bruises and burns, yet hardly felt them. I did not weep. I sat and, like the other ladies, looked at nothing.
反正，也许他们已经把我杀死了。我躺在黑暗里，没有做梦，也没有思考。你都不能说我还是我自己，因为我谁都不是。也许我再也不是真正的我了。因为等我醒来时，一切都不一样了。他们给我穿上我的旧衣裳和旧鞋子，把我带回原来的房间，我跟着他们走，就像一只小羊羔。我一身青紫红肿，却几乎感觉不到痛。我也不哭。我坐在那儿，跟别的病人一样，眼睛直愣愣地什么也不看。
After that, I don’t remember anything.
这之后，我就什么都不记得了。
If the ladies spoke of London ever, they spoke of a place they remembered from when they were girls, in Society — a place so different from the city I knew, it might as well have been Bombay. No-one called me by my own name. I began to answer to Maud and Mrs Rivers; sometimes it seemed to me I must be Maud, since so many people said I was.
如果女士们说起伦敦，他们会跟大家说起某个地方，某个他们还是小姑娘时就一直记得的地方——一个与我所知的城市如此不同的地方，那地方可能是孟买也说不定。没有人用我本名称呼我。我开始应和莫德和瑞富斯太太的叫法。有时候，在我看来，我肯定是莫德。因为有这么多人说我就是。
But it seemed to me that she was changed, like everything else. She looked at me oddly; and when that night I lay in bed and the other ladies had closed their eyes, she caught my gaze. “All right?” she said softly. She glanced at the other beds, then looked back at me. “No harm — eh, Maud? All fun, ain’t it? We must have our bit of fun, mustn’t we? or we should go mad…”
可是，在我看来，她似乎像别的事情一样，也变了。她别别扭扭地望着我；到了夜里，我躺在床上，别的女人都闭上了眼睛，她就望着我的眼睛。“还好吗？”她柔声说道。她瞄一眼别的床位，又看着我。“不是害你——哦，莫德？都是玩笑，不是吗？我们一定要自己找点乐子，不是吗？要不然我们会疯掉的…”
I turned my face away. I think she still watched me, though. I did not care. I cared for nothing, now. I had kept up my nerve and my spirit, all that time.
我将脸扭到一旁。不过，我觉得她还望着我。我才不管。现在我什么都不管。我时刻保持着神志清醒，时刻警惕着。
I had waited for my chance of escaping and got nowhere. Suddenly, my memories of Mrs Sucksby and Mr Ibbs, of Gentleman, even of Maud, seemed to grow dim. It was as if my head were filled with smoke, or had a fluttering curtain across it. When I tried to go over the streets of the Borough in my mind, I found I lost my way. No-one else in that house knew those streets.
我在等待时机出逃，逃到一个没人知道的地方。忽然间，我记忆中的萨克丝贝太太，艾伯斯先生，绅士，甚至连莫德，都变得模糊了。好象我脑袋里满是烟雾，或者，有片摆动的窗帘将我的脑袋一分为二。当我试图在脑海里穿越镇子的街道时，我发现我迷了路。这座房子里，再没谁知道这些街道。
I heard, however, that the truth was he had gone off cures altogether: for he had cured the lady who had spoken like a snake, and done it so well her mother had taken her home; and what with that, and the ladies who had died, the house had lost money.
然而，我听说其中的真相是，他把所有病人的治疗都停掉了：因为他治好了那个象蛇一样说话的女士，疗效如此之好，她母亲便把她接回去了；再加上，那些死掉的女士们，医院就少了不少收入。
And sometimes I even seemed to dream, not my own dreams, but hers; and sometimes to remember things, from Briar, that she had said and done, as if I had said and done them.
有时候，我甚至好象还做梦，不过不是我的梦，而是她的梦；有时候想起某些事，布莱尔的事，是她说过的或是做过的事；就仿佛那些事是我说过的、做过的。
The nurses — all except Nurse Bacon — grew cooler than ever with me, after the night I was plunged. But I got used to being shaken and bullied and slapped. I got used to seeing other ladies bullied in their turn. I got used to it all. I got used to my bed, to the blazing lamp, to Miss Wilson and Mrs Price, to Betty, to Dr Christie. I should not, now, have minded a leech. But he never brought one. He said my calling myself Maud showed, not that I was better, but only that my malady had taken a different turn, and would turn back. Until it did, there was no point in trying to cure me; so he stopped trying.
我去泡过澡之后，护士们对我——只除了培根护士——都变的比以前更加冷酷。不过，我已经习惯了被摇撼，遭威吓和挨巴掌。我也习惯了眼见别的女士们轮到遭威吓的命运。我都习以为常了。我习惯了我的床，习惯了刺眼的灯光，习惯了威尔森小姐和皮瑞斯太太，习惯了贝蒂，习惯了克里斯蒂医生。现在我再不会在意什么赤脚医生了。可是他一直都没找赤脚医生来。他说我自称莫德，这说明，并非说明我有好转，而仅仅说明我的病情发展到了一个新的阶段，还会有反复。这个阶段不过去，想治好我，再努力也没什么意义。于是他停止了尝试。
I might be there, today. I still think of that and shudder. I might never have got out; and Mrs Sucksby and Mr Ibbs, and Gentleman, and Maud — where would they be, now?
今天，我可能还在那儿。我仍然会这么想，然后一激灵。我可能永远也出不去了；萨克丝贝太太和艾伯斯先生，还有绅士，还有莫德——现在，他们会在什么地方？
I think of that, too.
我也想起了这些事。
God knows what else I might have got used to. God knows how long they would have kept me in that place — maybe, years. Maybe as long as poor Miss Wilson: for perhaps she — who knows? — was as sane as I had been, when her brother first put her in.
天知道我还习惯了一些什么东西。上帝知道他们把我关在这个地方，还要关多久——也许，很多年。也许跟可怜的威尔森小姐一样久：因为，说不定她——谁知道呢？——在她兄弟头一回把她送进来的时候，跟从前的我一样疯狂呢。
Now, each morning, he felt my heart-beat and looked into my mouth, and then moved on. He did not stay long in the bedrooms at all, once the air grew so close and so foul. We, of course, spent most of our time there; and I even got used to that.
现在，每天早上，他来听听我的心跳，看看我的口腔，看完就走了。空气变得如此憋闷、如此污浊，他根本就不在病房里久留。我们，当然了，大部分时间都在病房待着；我甚至都习惯了那间屋子。
Fortune kept me at Dr Christie’s nearly all that summer long; then listen to who it sent me.
命运将我放在克里斯蒂医生身边，待了一整个夏天；然后听从它的安排，看它会将我送到谁的身边。
This was five or six weeks, I suppose, after they had plunged me — some time in July. Think how stupid I had got by then. The season was still a warm one, and we had all begun to sleep, all the hours of the day. We slept in the mornings, while we waited for the dinner-bell to be rung; and, in the afternoons, you would see ladies all over the drawing-room, dozing, nodding their heads, dribbling into their collars. There was nothing else to do. There was nothing to stay awake for. And sleeping made time pass.
他们泡过我之后，我觉得，又过了五周还是六周——七月份的时候。想想看，那之后我变得多么蠢。还是很热的时节，我们全体开始整天都睡觉。早晨我们都睡着，睡着等待午饭的铃声敲响，到了中午，你就看见客厅里所有的女士都昏昏沉沉的，脑袋一顿一顿，直往领子里缩。再没别的事儿可做了。一直醒着也没什么意思。睡着了还好打发时间。我跟其他人一样能睡。
But then, I did get out. Blame Fortune. Fortune’s blind, and works in peculiar ways. Fortune sent Helen of Troy to the Greeks — didn’t it? — and a prince, to the Sleeping Beauty.
可也就是那时候，我逃出来了。都是命啊。命运从来不长眼，都是以别出心裁的方式作弄人。命运把特洛伊的海伦送到了希腊——不是吗？——还把一个王子，带给了睡美人。
Nurse Spiller folded her arms. “Don’t want him, then? Shall I send him home?” She looked at Nurse Bacon, who was still rubbing her knuckles and wincing. “Bad?” she said.
斯皮乐护士抱着胳膊。“那就是说，不想见他？我要把他打发回老家吗？”她看看培根护士，培根护士还在搓手指关节，面露痛楚之色。“不好受？”她说道。
I slept as much as anyone. I slept so much that when Nurse Spiller came to our room one morning and said, “Maud Rivers, you’re to come with me, you’ve a visitor,” they had to wake me up and tell me again; and when they had, I didn’t know what they meant.
我睡得太多了，以至于，当某天早晨斯皮乐护士来到我们病房，说道，“莫德。瑞富斯，你要跟我来，你有人来探视，”他们叫醒了我，又跟我说了一遍；他们说的时候，我都不明白他们在说什么。
Nurse Spiller tutted. I said again, “A visitor? For me?”
斯皮乐护士嘴里啧啧有声。我又说了一遍，“有个人？找我？”
“A visitor?” I said.
“有个人探视？”我说道。
“Like scorpions’stings, Nurse Spiller.”
“象蝎子的刺一样，斯皮乐护士。”
She yawned. “For Mrs Rivers, anyway. Are you her today, or not?”
她打着哈欠。“反正，是找瑞富斯太太的。今天你是不是瑞富斯太太呀？”
I did not know. But I rose, on shaking legs, feeling the blood rush from my heart — for if the visitor was a man then I could only think that, whether I was Maud, or Sue, or whoever I was, he must be Gentleman. My world had shrunk to that point, that I only knew that I had been harmed, and that he had done it. I looked at Miss Wilson. I had an idea that I had said to her, three months before, that if Gentleman came I would kill him. I had meant it, then. Now the thought of seeing his face was so unexpected, it made me sick.
我也不知道。不过，我站起身来，两腿打着颤，感觉到血液从心脏里冲出来——因为，如果这个探视者是个男人，那我只能这么想，不管我是莫德，还是苏，还是随便什么人，此人肯定是绅士。想到这一点，我的整个世界都不由得惊惧交加。我只知道我被人陷害了，这都是他干的。我望着威尔森小姐。我想起三个月前跟她说过的一句话，要是绅士来了，我会杀了他。当时，我确是这个意思。现在，就跟他见面了，这个念头如此出乎意料，令我很不舒服。
Nurse Spiller saw me hesitate. “Come on,” she said, “if you are coming! Don’t mind your hair.” — I had put my hand to my head. “I’m sure, the madder he knows you to be, the better. Saves disappointment, don’t it?” She glanced at Nurse Bacon. Then: “Come on!” she said again; and I gave a twitch, then stumbled after her into the passage and down the stairs.
斯皮乐护士见我有些犹豫。她说道。“你要来就来吧！别老想着你的头发。”是我手摸到头上了。“我肯定，他越是知道你有多疯，就越好。倒不失望了，不是吗？”她瞄一眼培根护士。便说道：“走吧！”她又叫了一遍；我一激灵，随后便踉跄着跟她进了走廊，下了楼梯。
Some nurses, and one or two men, were standing about in the hall, taking breaths from the open door; one of the men held a cigarette and, when he saw Nurse Spiller, he hid it. They did not look at me, however, and I hardly looked at them. I was thinking of what was to come, and feeling sicker and stranger by the second.
几个护士，还有一两个壮汉，站在大厅周围，从大开的门外呼吸点新鲜空气；其中一个壮汉拿着一根烟，当他见到斯皮乐护士，便将烟藏了起来。不过，他们都不看我，我也几乎不看他们。我正在想来者何人，在那一刻，我感觉愈发不适，愈发奇怪。
“In here,” said Nurse Spiller, jerking her head towards the door of the drawing-room. Then she caught my arm and pulled me to her. “And you remember: none of your fibs. The pads are nice and cool, on a day like this. Ain’t been used in a while. My word’s as good as a man’s, while the doctors are away. You hear me?”
斯皮乐护士朝客厅门一甩脑袋说道，“在里边，”然后她抓着我的胳膊，将我拽到她跟前。“你给我记着：不准撒谎。今儿这种天气，包间里既舒服又凉快。有段时间没用了。医生不在的时候，我的话跟男人们的话一样管用。你听清楚了吗？”
It was a Wednesday — that was luck, though I did not know it yet, for on Wednesdays Dr Christie and Dr Graves went off in their coach to drum up new lady lunatics, and the house was quiet.
那是个星期三——那是好运道，尽管我当时还不知道这个，因为星期三，克里斯蒂医生和格里夫斯医生会坐着马车出去招收新的女疯子，医院里便格外安静。
I had expected Gentleman. It wasn’t him. It was a fair-haired, blue-eyed boy in a blue pea-jacket, and in the first second of my seeing him I felt a rush of mixed relief and disappointment so sharp, I almost swooned away; for I thought him a stranger, and supposed that there had been a mistake, he must have come for someone else. Then I saw him looking over my features in a bewildered sort of way; and then at last, at last — as if his face and name were slowly rising to the surface of my brain, through mists or cloudy water — at last I knew him, even out of his servant’s suit. He was Charles, the knife-boy from Briar. He looked me over, as I have said; then he tilted his head and looked past me, and past Nurse Spiller, as if he thought that Maud must be coming along behind. Then he looked at me again, and his eyes grew wide.
我原以为是绅士。不是他。是个金黄头发，蓝眼睛的少年，身穿蓝色粗呢上衣，乍一见他，我心潮翻涌，交织着宽慰与失望，感觉如此强烈，人差点晕过去。因为，我以为他是个陌生人，以为搞错了，他肯定是来探望别的什么人。然后，我见他大惑不解地打量着我的衣着样貌；于是，终于，终于——他的面孔和名字穿过重重迷雾，慢慢浮现在我脑海中——我终于认出他，尽管他脱了那身仆人衣裳。他是查尔斯，布莱尔那个玩刀的少年。如我前面所说，他上下打量着我。这时，他歪着头，看看我身后，又看看斯皮乐护士身后，仿佛他以为莫德肯定跟在我们后边。然后他又望着我，眼睛瞪圆了。
She shook me. Then she pushed me into the room. “Here she is,” she said, in a different voice, to the person waiting there.
她摇晃着我，然后将我推入房间。“她来了，”她换了个声音，对等在那儿的人说道。
And it was that, that saved me. His were the first two eyes, in all the time that had passed since I left Mrs Cream’s, that had looked at me and seen, not Maud, but Sue. They gave me back my past. They gave me my future, too — for in the second of standing in the doorway, meeting his gaze, seeing it slip from me and then come back baffled, my own confusion began to leave me and I formed a plan. I formed it whole, complete in every part. It was desperate.
正是他的眼神，挽救了我。自从我离开克里姆太太家，过了这么长时间，他是第一个人，两只眼睛望着我，看到的，不是莫德，而是苏。这双眼睛将我带回到我的过去。这双眼睛也将给予我未来——看到他的眼神，看到他的眼睛从我身上溜开，又重新大惑不解，我自己乱糟糟的心虚开始散去，我有了个计策。我有了一个全盘计划，每个环节都想好了。这完全是铤而走险。
I kept hold of his hand, and wrung it. He stepped back. He had been wearing a cap, that had left a scarlet line across his brow. Now his face grew scarlet all over. He opened his mouth. He said, “Miss, I — Miss –“
我一直抓着他的手，又拧又拽。他退后一步。他戴过帽子，帽子在他额头留下一道红色印子。这时他的脸变得通红。他张开嘴巴。他说道，“小姐，我——小姐——”
Nurse Spiller heard him and said, in a sort of nasty satisfaction, “Well, ain’t it marvellous how quick a lady’s head will clear, when she sees a dear face from home? Shan’t Dr Christie be pleased?”
斯皮乐护士听他这么说，便带着某种暧昧的自得说道，“好了，一位女士一看见老乡的可爱面孔，头脑就变清楚了，这不是很不可思议吗？克里斯蒂医生还不得乐坏了？”
And I went to him and caught hold of his hand, not taking my eyes away from his; and then I pulled him to me and I whispered, almost weeping, in his ear: “Say I’m her, or I’m done for! I’ll give you anything at all! Say I’m her! Oh, please say I’m her!”
然后，我走到他面前，抓住他的手，一瞬不瞬地盯住他的眼睛，然后一把将他拉到身前，对着他的耳朵低声说道：“快说我是她，不然我就完蛋了！我什么都给你！快说我是她！噢，求你快说我是她！”
“Charles!” I said. I was not used to speaking, and it came out like a croak.
“查尔斯！”我说道。我已经不习惯开口说话了，这句话说出来，好象乌鸦在叫。
I turned and caught her eye. She looked sour. She said, “Will you keep your young man standing? That have come all this way? That’s right, you sit. Not too close though, young sir, if I was you. We can’t say when they won’t fly off and start clawing; even the meek ones. That’s better. Now, I’ll keep over here, by the door, and if she starts kicking up, you sing out — all right?”
我转过身，盯着她的眼睛。她一副酸溜溜的样子。她说道，“你要让你的小伙子一直站着吗？这就对了，你们坐。不过，年轻的先生，如果我是你，就不会靠得太近。我们可说不准他们什么时候会神经病发作，扑过去挠你；就算是那些温顺的病人。这样就好多了。好了，我会在这儿看着，就在门口，如果她开始激动了，你就喊我——好吗？”
“Charles, you hardly know me. I think — I think I must be very changed. But oh, how good of you to come and make a visit to your old mistress!”
“查尔斯，你都认不出我了。我想——我想我肯定变化很大。不过，噢，你真好，能来看望你的前女主人！”
Of course, he called me that, at Briar. Thank God he did!
当然了，他在布莱尔就这么称呼我。感谢上帝他叫了！
Nurse Spiller stood in the open doorway. It was cooler there. She folded her arms and watched us; but she also, now and then, turned her head into the hall, to nod and murmur to the nurses beyond.
斯皮乐护士站在门口，门敞开着。这儿有点冷。她双臂交叠，看着我们；不过，她也会时不时地扭过头去，朝大厅那边的护士点点头，小声地说着话。
We had sat, in two hard chairs, close to the window. Charles still looked bewildered; now he also began to wink and look afraid.
我们坐到两把硬邦邦的椅子上，紧靠着窗户。查尔斯还是一脸迷惑；这时，他也开始乱眨眼睛，露出恐惧的神色。
What was I thinking of? Well, the fact was I was thinking of the lady who had spoken like a snake, and the two old ladies that had died. I was thinking of what Dr Christie had said, about my malady having taken a different turn, but being sure, in time, to turn back.
我当时在想什么？对了，我心里想到的事是，那个说话像蛇一样的女人，还有那两个死掉的老女人。我想到克里斯蒂医生说过的话，我的病情正处于一个新的阶段，不过可以肯定的是，很快，我就会回复到原来的状态。
I still held Charles’s hand in both of mine. I could not give it up. I leaned towards him, trembling, and spoke in a whisper. I said, “Charles, I — Charles, I never was so glad to see anyone, anyone in all my life! You have — You have to help me.”
我两手还抓着查尔斯的手。我不敢放开他的手。我朝他探过身子，低声说道，“查尔斯，我——查尔斯，我这辈子见谁都没见你这么高兴，你一定要——你一定要救救我。”
“Hush! Hush! I am. Oh, I am!” My eyes began to water. “But you mustn’t say it here. You must say — ” I glanced at Nurse Spiller, then spoke more quietly still. “You must say I’m Miss Lilly. Don’t ask me why.”
“嘘！嘘！我是。噢，我是的！”我眼里涌出泪水。“但是你在这里绝对不能说。你得说——”我瞄一眼斯皮乐护士，然后更小心地说。“你得说我是李小姐。别问我为什么。”
He swallowed. He said, in the same low voice, “You are Miss Smith?”
他吞了下口水。他用同样小的声音说道，“你是史密斯小姐？”
“Don’t ask me why,” I said again. “But, oh, what a trick has been played on me! They have made out I’m mad, Charles.”
“别问我为什么，”我又说了一遍。“不过，噢，我中的是个什么样的诡计哟！他们把我搞成一个疯子了，查尔斯。”
I was thinking that if he heard Charles say that I was Sue not Maud, he might find a way to keep me closer — perhaps bind me, pad me, plunge me, plunge Charles too. — In other words, terror had turned my brain. But I also had that plan. It was growing clearer by the second.
我想到，如果他听查尔斯说我是苏，而不是莫德，他就会想个办法出来，把我关的更严实——说不定把我捆起来，关进包间，给我泡澡，也给查尔斯泡澡。——换句话说，恐惧已经令我思维反常了。不过我也还是想出了那个计划。那个计划在这一刻变得更加清晰了。
He looked about him. “This house is a house for mad people?” he said. “I supposed it a great hotel. I supposed I should find Miss Lilly here. And — and Mr Rivers.”
他看看周围。“这个房子是给疯子住的？”他说道。“我以为是个大酒店。我以为我能在这儿找到李小姐。和——和瑞富斯先生。”
I squeezed Charles’s fingers, to keep from talking louder. I squeezed them, almost out of their joints. And I glanced fearfully towards Nurse Spiller at the door. Her head was turned. She had her back to the doorpost and was laughing with the nurses and the men. I looked back at Charles, meaning to speak again. But his face had changed, and stopped me. His cheek had turned from flaming scarlet, to white. He said, in a whisper, “Mr Rivers, gone to London?”
我吮吸着查尔斯的指头，以防说话声音太大。我吮吸着他的手指头，都快吸到手指根儿了。我恐惧地瞄了一眼门边的斯皮乐护士。她头转过去了，背靠着门柱，正跟护士和壮汉们嬉笑呢。我又看看查尔斯，想再说点什么。可他的脸色变了，让我一怔。他的脸从火烧一般的深红色，变成了白色。他低声说道，“瑞富斯先生，去伦敦了？”
“Mr Rivers,” I said. “Oh! Oh! That devil! He has swindled me, Charles, and gone to London with money that was to be mine. Him and Maud Lilly! Oh! What a pair! They have left me here, to die –!”
“瑞富斯先生，”我说道。“噢！噢！那个魔鬼！他耍了我，查尔斯，又跑到伦敦，带着原本属于我的钱。他和李莫德！噢！真是一对儿！他们把我丢在这儿，等死——！”
My voice had risen, I could not help it: someone else — someone really mad — might have been speaking out of my mouth.
我的声音提高了，我实在忍不住：还有什么人——某个真的疯了的人——从我嘴里说出来。
He swallowed. He twitched. Then he tore his fingers from mine and covered his face with his hands.
他吞了一口唾沫，人一激灵，然后将手从我手中拽回去，双手捂着脸。
“He said he would whip me raw,” he said; “and he did. Lord, how he made me shriek! But that whipping was nothing — I should say, a hundred whippings would be nothing! — compared to the smarting, miss, of my disappointed heart.”
“他说他要把我抽得皮开肉绽，”他说道；“他真抽了。主啊，他抽得我鬼哭狼嚎啊！不过挨顿鞭子也没什么——要我说，抽它一百鞭也不算什么事儿！——相比我这颗失望的心，小姐，感受到的疼痛。”
“To London,” I said, “or to heaven knows where. To hell, I shouldn’t wonder!”
“去伦敦了，”我说道，“还是去了什么别的地方上帝知道。下了地狱，我也不会觉得奇怪！”
“Oh! Oh!” he said, in a shaking voice — just as I had. “Oh, then I’m ruined!”
“噢！噢！”他声音颤抖着——正如此前的我一般——说道。“噢，那我可全毁了！”
And to my very great astonishment, he began to cry. His story came leaking out, then, along with his tears. It turned out that — just as I had guessed, months before — a life spent sharpening knives at Briar seemed a life not worth having, once Gentleman had gone. Charles had felt it so hard, he had begun to mope. He had moped so long, Mr Way the steward had taken a whip to him.
我大吃一惊，他开始痛哭。于是，伴着泪珠儿，他的故事一点一点说出来了。正如我几个月前猜到的——绅士一走，在布莱尔磨刀的日子似乎就变得不值得过了，查尔斯觉得心情格外沉重，便开始拖地。他拖得时间太长了，管家魏先生就对他抄起了鞭子。
He said that, in a way that made me think he had practised it; then he held himself stiff, as if he imagined I would hit him, or laugh, and was ready to suffer any blow. But what I said — bitterly — was, “I believe you. Mr Rivers makes hearts do that.” I was thinking of Maud’s.
他说出这番话，说话的方式让我觉得他以前练习过；然后他直板板地挺着，好似在他想象中，我会打他，或者笑话他，而他准备好了遭受任何打击。可我满怀苦涩，说出口的是，“我相信你。瑞富斯先生让大伙的心都痛了。”我想到的是莫德的心。
When she had looked into the hall again, I turned back to Charles. Seeing him so miserable made me calmer in my own head. I let him shake a little longer and, as he did it, studied him closer. I saw, what I had not seen at first — that his neck was dirty, and his hair was strange — here pale and fluffy as feathers, here dark and stiff where he had wet it to make it lie smooth. There was a twig caught up in the wool of the sleeve of his jacket. His trousers were marked with dust.
当她又望大厅看去时，我转过来对着查尔斯。见他这么伤心，这倒让我自己的头脑冷静下来了。我任他又打了一会儿摆子，趁他哭的时候，我凑近了观察他。我看到，刚开始我没看到的——他脖子里脏兮兮的，头发怪里怪气的——这边一撮颜色稍淡，蓬蓬松松好象鸡毛一样，那边一撮颜色深沉，板直僵硬，那是让他蘸水捋过，想捋顺溜了。他夹克袖子上漏出了一根羊毛线头，长裤上也净是灰印。
I said quietly, “Be a good boy now, and tell me the truth. You’ve run off, haven’t you, from Briar?”
我轻轻地说道，“现在做个好孩子，给我讲真话吧。你是逃出来的，不是吗？从布莱尔？”
His face grew shiny. He wiped his nose. Then he started crying again. Nurse Spiller looked over and curled her lip. But that was all she did. Perhaps people cried a lot, when they came to see their lady relatives, at Dr Christie’s.
他的脸都泛出光来了。他擦擦鼻子，然后又开始痛哭。斯皮乐护士看过来，撇起了嘴巴。不过她也没怎么样。说不定，人们来探望他们给克里斯蒂医生治疗的女亲戚时，都会放声大哭。
He bit his lip, then nodded. I said, “And all for Mr Rivers’s sake?” He nodded again. Then he drew in a shuddering breath.
他咬着嘴唇，然后点点头。我说道，“都是为了瑞富斯先生？”他又点点头。
He wiped his eyes and saw me looking, and blushed harder than ever.
他擦擦眼睛，见我在看他，脸比先前更红了。
Charles seemed not to notice. “He does!” he said. “What a gentleman! Oh, but ain’t he?”
查尔斯好象没注意到。“他是这样的！”他说道。“多么好的绅士！噢，不是吗？”
“Mr Rivers used to say to me, miss,” he said, “that he would take me on to man for him, if only he’d the money for a proper man’s wages. I thought, I would rather work for him for no wages at all, than stay at Briar. But how was I to find him out, in London? Then came all that stir, with Miss Lilly taking off. The house’ve been on its head since then. We did suppose her flown after him, but no-one was quite sure. They are calling it a scandal. Half the girls have gone. Mrs Cakebread’ve gone, to another man’s kitchen! Now Margaret cooks. Mr Lilly ain’t in his right mind. Mr Way has to feed him his dinners off a spoon!”
然后，他浑身颤抖地吸了一口气。“瑞富斯先生以前经常跟我说，小姐，”他说道，“要是他有钱，可以付适当的男仆薪水，他就提拔我当他的男仆。我当时想，宁可不拿薪水给他干活，也不要待在布莱尔。可是我怎么才能在伦敦找到他呢？然后，就出了乱子，李小姐跑掉了。从那时起，那宅子就大难临头了。我们都以为她跟他跑了，不过没一个人有把握。他们说那是件丑事。女仆走了一半，凯克布莱德太太走了，她到别人家的厨房间去了！现在是玛格丽特做饭。李先生的脑子不好使了。魏先生必须一勺一勺地喂他吃饭！”
“I don’t know, miss.” He shook his head. “They say it took him a week to feel it. For he was calm at first; then he found some harm had been done to some of his books — or, something like that. Then he fell in a fit on his library floor. Now he can’t hold a pen or anything, and forgets his words. Mr Way made me push him about, in a great wheeled chair; but, I could hardly go ten yards — I could hardly do anything! — for breaking out crying. In the end I got sent to my aunty’s, to look at her black-faced pigs. They do say” — he wiped his nose again — “they do say that watching pigs cures melancholy. It never cured mine, though…”
“我也不知道，小姐，”他摇摇头。“他们说，这件事让他费了一周的时间，才回过神来。因为刚开始，他挺冷静；后来他发现他的一些书籍被人损毁了——要么，类似的什么事儿。于是他就发病了，倒在他书房的地板上。现在他拿不了笔，什么都拿不了，也把他的话都忘光了。魏先生叫我推着他，坐着一个大轮椅，到处走；可是，我几乎都推不出十码远——我几乎什么都做不了！——因为我会痛哭！到最后，我被送到婶婶家，去看她家的黑猪。他们都说”——他又擦擦鼻子——“他们都说，多看看猪，能治好忧郁症。话虽这么说，可是看猪就从来没有治好我…”
“Mrs Cakebread,” I said, frowning. “Mr Way.” The names were like so many lights: each time one was lit, another part of my brain grew brighter. “Margaret. Mr Lilly.” And then: “Off a spoon! And all — And all from Maud’s running off with Mr Rivers?”
“凯克布莱德太太，”我皱着眉头说道。“魏先生。”这些名字好象许多道光线一样：每次有一道光打过来，我头脑中的某一部分就清亮起来。“玛格丽特。李先生。”随后：“用勺子喂！这都是——这都是因为莫德跟瑞富斯先生跑了吗？”
I had stopped listening. There had come on a light in my head, that was brighter than all the rest. I took his hand again. “Black-faced pigs?” I said, screwing up my eyes. He nodded.
我没有再听了。我头脑中出现一丝光亮，比其余的光线都亮。我再次抓住他的手。“黑猪？”我眼珠翻上去说道。他点点头。
His aunty was Mrs Cream.
他婶婶是克里姆太太。
I suppose it’s like that in the country. I had never thought to ask him his last name. He had slept in the very same room as me, on the same straw mattress, that was filled with bugs. When his aunty had begun to talk of the gentleman and lady that had come and been secretly married, he had guessed at once who they were but, hardly believing his own luck, had said nothing. He found out they’d gone off together in a coach; and from his cousin — Mrs Cream’s eldest son, who had talked with the coachman — he had got the name of Dr Christie’s house, and where it was.
我觉得在乡下都是这样。以前我都没问过他的姓氏。他跟我一样，睡过同一个的房间，睡在同一个草垫上，草垫里都是虫子。他婶婶说起那对绅士和小姐，来到这儿，秘密地结了婚，他立即就猜到他们是什么人，却几乎不相信自己的运气，就什么话都没说。他发现他们一起坐马车走了；又从他堂弟处——就是克里姆太太的大儿子，跟马车夫聊过的——搞到了克里斯蒂医生的医院的名称和地址。
“I supposed it a great hotel,” he said again — again looking fearfully about him, at the wire on the lamps, the bare grey walls, the bars on the windows. He had run off from Mrs Cream’s three nights before, and had slept in ditches and hedges since then. — Too late,” he said, “to turn back, when I got here. I asked at the gate for Mr Rivers. They looked in a book, and said I must mean his wife. Then I remembered what a kind lady Miss Maud always was; and that if anyone should talk Mr Rivers round to taking me on, she should. And now –!”
“我以为这是个大酒店，”他又说道——再次恐惧地看着周围，看着灯上的铁丝网罩，光秃秃的墙壁，窗户上的铁条。三天前，他从克里姆太太家里跑出来，之后就睡在水沟里，篱笆根上。——“到了这儿，再想回去，”他说道，“也来不及了。我在门口说我找瑞富斯先生。他们在本子里查了查，说我说的肯定是他太太。这时候我记起李小姐一直都是什么样的女士；如果有谁会劝说瑞富斯先生提拔我，那就是她了。而现在——！”
“Charles,” I said, leaning closer to him and nerving myself to seem calm. “You can’t go back to Briar.”
“查尔斯，”我探身凑近他，强作镇定，说道，“你不能回布莱尔。”
“And I dare say your aunty don’t want you.”
“我敢说，你婶婶也不想见到你了。”
“I can’t, miss,” he said. “Oh, I can’t! Mr Way would skin me alive!”
“我不能回，小姐，”他说道。“噢，我不能回！魏先生要活剥了我的皮！”
He shook his head. “She would call me a fool, for running off.”
他摇摇头。“她会说我是个傻瓜，就这么跑了。”
“It’s Mr Rivers you’re after.”
“你追随的是瑞富斯先生。”
His lip began again to tremble. Really, Mr Way was right: he was far too big a boy to be so tearful, and at any other time, in any other, ordinary place, I should have hit him myself. But for now, I looked at his tears, and to my bruised and desperate eyes they were like so many pick-locks and keys.
他嘴唇又开始颤抖。真的，魏先生是对的：他一个男孩子，都这么大了，还这么哭哭啼啼的，实在太不象话了。换了别的时间，别的地点，一般的场合，我会亲手揍他一顿。可是眼前，我看着他泪如雨下，在我青肿绝望的眼里，这些眼泪着实好似许许多多的开锁工具和钥匙。
He bit his lip, and nodded, still crying.
他咬着嘴巴，点点头，还是哭个不停。
“Then listen to me,” I said — barely speaking at all, barely whispering now, only breathing the words, for fear Nurse Spiller would catch them. “Listen to me. I can take you to him. I know where he is. I know the very house! I can take you to him. But first, you must help me out of here.”
“那么听我说，”我说道——现在几乎都不能算是说话了，也几乎不能算是耳语，只能算是随呼吸吹出的词句，因为害怕斯皮乐护士听到这些话。“听我说，我能带你去找他。我知道他在哪儿。我知道那个地方！我能带你去找他。不过，首先，你必须帮我从这里逃出去。”
If it wasn’t quite true that I knew where Gentleman was, then it wasn’t quite a lie, either; for I was pretty certain that, once I reached London and got help from Mrs Sucksby, I should find him. But I would have lied anyway, just then. I dare say you would have, too.
如果说，我知道绅士在哪儿的话并不十分确实，那么，这也不能算一句谎话；因为我有十足的把握，我一到伦敦，得到萨克丝贝太太的帮助，我就能找到他。不过，之后，我还是撒了个小谎。我敢说你也会这么做的。
Again he looked about him. Then he looked at me — just as, a moment before, I had looked at him — as if seeing me for the first time. He looked at my hair, my dress, my india-rubber boots. I drew my feet under my skirt.
他又看看周围。然后又望着我。正如此前，我望着他那样——仿佛是第一次看到我似的。他看看我的头发，我的衣裳，我的胶鞋。我把脚收到裙子下面。
He looked, and blinked. “Well –“
他望着我，眨眨眼。“这——”
Charles stared at me, and wiped his face with the heel of his hand. “Help you out of here, how?” he said. “Why mayn’t you walk out, miss, just whenever you please?”
查尔斯瞪着我，用手腕抹抹脸。“帮你逃出去，怎么帮？”他说道。“为什么你不可以走着出去，小姐，为什么你不可以高兴什么时候出去，就什么时候出去？”
I swallowed. “They think I’m mad, Charles. There’s an order been signed — well, never mind by who — that keeps me here. It’s the law. See that nurse? See her arm? They’ve got twenty nurses with arms like that; and they know how to use ’em. Now, look at my face. Am I mad?”
我咽下唾沫。“他们以为我疯了，查尔斯。有人签署了一份文件——得了，别管是谁签的——要把我关在这里。这是法律看到那个护士了吗？看到她的胳膊吗？他们有二十个护士，长着这样的胳膊；这些护士很清楚如何利用他们的胳膊，好了，看着我的脸，我疯了吗？”
“I — I’m not sure,” he said.
“我——我也拿不准。”他说道。
“Of course I ain’t. But here, there are some lunatics so crafty, they pass as sane; and the doctors and nurses can’t see the difference between me, and one of them.”
“我当然没疯。可是在这儿，有的疯子非常狡猾，他们像健全人一样过日子，医生和护士都看不到我和他们中任何一位的区别。”
“Not sure? Not sure of what? Of whether you want to go back to your aunty’s and live with the pigs? Or whether you want to go and be man to Mr Rivers, in London — London, mind! Remember them elephants a boy can ride on for a shilling? Tricky choice, I call that.”
“拿不准？拿不准什么？拿不准你是想回到你婶婶家，跟猪一起过，还是想去伦敦找瑞富斯先生并成为他的男仆——伦敦，注意！还记得那些大象吗，一个小孩付一先令就能骑一下？为难的选择，我称之为。”
“Pigs?” I said quickly. “Or elephants? Which is it to be? For God’s sake, which?”
“猪？”我飞快地说道。“还是大象？选哪个？看在上帝的份上，哪一个？”
He lowered his gaze. I looked at Nurse Spiller. She had glanced our way, was yawning, and had taken out a watch.
他垂下目光。我看看斯皮乐护士。她看我们的通道，打着哈欠，还拿出一块表。
“Good boy. Good boy. Thank God. Now, listen. How much money have you got?”
“好孩子。好孩子。感谢上帝。好了，听着。你有多少钱？”
He worked his lips. “Elephants,” he said, after a terrible silence.
他嘴唇动动。一阵恼人的沉默之后，他说道。“大象，”
“All right. Here’s what you must do. You must go to any town, and find a locksmith’s shop; and when you find it you must ask them for — ” I pressed my hand to my eyes. I thought I felt that cloudy water rising again, that flapping curtain. I nearly screamed in fright. Then the curtain drew back — “for a ward key,” I said, “a ward key, with a one-inch blank. Say your master wants it. If the man won’t sell it, you must steal one. Now, don’t look like that! We shall send the man another when we reach London. When you’ve got the blank, keep it safe. Go next to a blacksmith’s. Get a file — see my fingers? — same width as this. Show me the width I mean. Good boy, you got it. Keep the file safe as the blank. Bring them back here, next week — next Wednesday, only Wednesday will do! do you hear me? — and slip them to me. Understand me? Charles?”
“好的。现在说你必须做的事。你必须去找个集市，找一家锁匠铺子；等你找到了，你必须问他们要——”我手按住眼睛。我想我感觉到脑袋里又有水雾腾起，和那个摆动的帘子。恐惧之中，我差点要尖叫了。这时，帘子拉开了——“要个钥匙坯（ward key）来，说是你家主人要的。要是那人不卖给你，你务必偷一个来。好了，不要这个样子！等我们到了伦敦我们会还他一个的。等你拿到钥匙坯，要保管好。下面去找一家铁匠铺子。搞一把锉刀——看到我的手指头吗？——就跟这个一样宽。把这个宽度比给我看看。好孩子，你明白了。锉刀跟钥匙坯一样保管好。把锉刀和钥匙坯带到这儿来，下周——下周三，只有周三才行！你听到没有？悄悄地递给我。明白我说的话吗？查尔斯？”
He swallowed. “Five shillings and sixpence,” he said.
他吞一下口水，说道，“五先令又六便士。”
“You’ll remember, won’t you, what I’ve said?”
“你会牢记，是不是，我说过的话？”
We stood. I kept hold of the back of my chair, to keep from sinking. I looked at Charles, as if my eyes could burn into his. I had let his hand fall, but now reached for it again.
我们站起身来。我抓住椅子背，以免跌落到地上。我望着查尔斯，仿佛我的双眼能在他眼中燃烧起来。我本已放开了他的手，此刻却又伸手去抓住他的手。
“Time’s up,” she said.
“时间到了。”她说道。
He stared. I had begun to grow wild again. But then he nodded. Then his gaze moved past me and he twitched. Nurse Spiller had left the door-place and was headed our way.
他瞪着眼。我又要抓狂了。可是他立刻点了点头。这时，他的目光转向我身后，人一激灵。斯皮乐护士已经不在门口了，她正朝我们这边走过来。
He jumped.
他跳起来了。
He nodded, in a frightened way. He dropped his gaze. He made to draw free his hand and step away. Then a queer thing happened. I felt his fingers move across my palm and found I could not let them go.
他颇受惊吓，连连点头。他目光低垂。他要抽走他的手，准备走了。这时，发生了一件古怪的事。我感觉到他的手滑过我手掌心，我发觉我无法放开他的手。
She began to ungrip my fingers. It took her a moment or two. When his hand was free, Charles drew it quickly back and put his knuckles to his mouth.
她上来掰我的手。这让她颇费了点工夫。当查尔斯的手被掰出来时，他飞快地将手缩回去，放在嘴边，指节捂着嘴。
“Now then,” said Nurse Spiller. “We’ve no time for this. Come on.”
“那么现在，”斯皮乐护士说道。“我们没时间玩这个了。来吧。”
“Don’t leave me!” I said. The words came from nowhere. “Don’t leave me, please!”
“别丢下我！”我说道。这话也不知从何说起。“别丢下我，求你了！”
“Sad, ain’t it?” Nurse Spiller said to him, her arms about my own. My shoulders jumped. “Don’t you mind it, though. It takes them all like this. Better not to come at all, we say. Better not to remind ’em of home. Whips ’em up.” She drew me tighter. Charles shrank away. “You be sure now, to tell your people that, when you say what a sad way you found her in — won’t you?”
“伤心了，是不是啊？”斯皮乐护士对他说道，她抱住我的双臂。我肩膀一耸一耸的。“伤心归伤心，也别太往心里去了。这事儿总是让他们变成这副样子。我们都说，最好压根儿就别来。最好不要让他们想到家里。把他们都撩起来了。”她抱我更用力了。查尔斯缩回去。“现在你知道了吧，跟你家人说见到她如何伤心的样子时，还要跟你家里人这么说呢——不是吗？”
But I could see him looking at me now and thinking that I must be mad, after all; and if he thought that, then I was done for, I should be at Dr Christie’s house for ever, I should never see Mrs Sucksby and never have my revenge on Maud. — That thought was sharper than my fear. I willed myself calm, and Nurse Spiller at last let me go. Another nurse came forward, to see Charles to the door: they let me watch him leave, and oh! it was all I could do to keep from running after.
可是我现在能看到，他望着我，心里想着，其实，我肯定是疯了；要是他这么想，那我就真完蛋了；我就得在克里斯蒂医生的医院里一直待着了，我就永远也见不到萨克丝贝太太，也再不能找莫德报仇了。这个想法比我的恐惧来的更加强烈。我强自镇定下来，斯皮乐护士最后放开了我。另一个护士走上前去，去瞧着查尔斯出门：他们让我也看着他离开，噢！我唯一能做的就是强忍住自己，没有跟着他跑掉。
He looked from her to me, and nodded. I said, “Charles, I’m sorry.” My teeth were chattering about the words. “Don’t mind it. It’s nothing. Nothing at all.”
他看看她，又看看我，点了点头。我说道，“查尔斯，我很抱歉。”我牙齿打着颤蹦出这些话。“别把这当回事儿，没事儿，什么事儿也没有。”
“You’ll remember!” I called, my voice high and strange. “You’ll remember the elephants!”
“你一定要记住！”我喊到，我的声音高亢，又有些怪异。“你一定要记住那些大象！”
The nurses shrieked with laughter then. One gave me a push. My strength was all gone, and the push knocked me over. I lay in a heap. “Elephants!” they said. They stood and laughed at me, until they wept.
这时，护士们怪叫着大笑起来。有人推了我一把。我气力尽失，这一推，就把我推倒了。我跌作一团。“大象！”他们说道。他们就站在那儿笑话我，一直笑到眼泪也笑出来了。
As he went, he turned, and stumbled, and met my gaze. Then he looked shocked again. I had tried to smile, and suppose the smile was dreadful.
他走的时候，还转过身来，绊了一下，正遇到我的目光。这时，他又是一怔。我用力挤出个微笑，自觉这是个凄凉悲苦的笑。
“Punishment Day,” she’d answer, wincing and rubbing her hands.
她会揉着双手，面露痛楚，答道，“受难日。”
That week was a terrible one. I had got my own mind back, the house seemed crueller than ever, and I saw how far I had sunk before in growing used to it. Say I grew used to it again, in seven days? Say I grew stupid? Say Charles came back, and I was too funked to know him? The thought nearly killed me. I did everything I could to keep myself from slipping into a dream again. I pinched my own arms, until they were black with bruises. I bit my own tongue.
那个星期着实让人烦恼不堪。我已恢复了神志，这房子好象比以往更加严酷难耐，我也看到，从前我渐渐习惯这儿，我在其中陷得多么深。要是我在七天之内再次习惯了这里，可如何是好？要是我变得蠢头蠢脑了，可如何是好？要是查尔斯回来找我，而我惊吓过度，以致认不出他了，可如何是好？胡思乱想简直要了我的命。我尽我全力，不让自己再次滑入梦境。我掐自己的胳膊，一直掐到胳膊上满是淤青。我咬自己的舌头。
Then there was the fear that, after all, Charles wouldn’t come — that I had been too mad — that he would lose his nerve, or be overtaken by disaster. I thought of all the likely and unlikely things that might keep him from me — such as, his being seized by gipsies or thieves; run down by bulls; falling in with honest people, who would persuade him to go back home. One night it rained, and I thought of the ditch he was sleeping in filling up with water and him being drowned. Then there came thunder and lightning; and I imagined him sheltering under a tree, with a file in his hand…
然后，最怕的，还是怕查尔斯不来了——我当时太疯狂了——他会迷了心窍，要么就是飞来横祸，让他来不了了。我想到了所有能让他不来找我的事，可能的和不可能的——譬如说，他被吉卜赛人或者盗贼们抓起来了；被牛群撞到了；落到一群诚实的人中间，他们会劝他回家去。有天夜里下雨了，我便想到，他栖身的水沟涨满了水，他就淹死了。这时候，外面雷电交加；我就想象着，他在树下避雨，手里拿着把锉刀…
Each morning I woke with a horrible sense that days had slipped away and I had not noticed.
每天早上，我在一阵慌乱的感觉中醒来，为日子一天天溜走，我却并未察觉，而感到心烦意乱。
“What day is today?” I’d ask Miss Wilson and Mrs Price. Of course, they never knew. Miss Wilson always thought, Good Friday.
“今天什么日子？”我会问威尔森小姐和皮瑞斯太太。当然了，他们从来都不知道。威尔森小姐心里总是想着，美妙的星期五。
Then I’d ask Nurse Bacon. “What day is today, Nurse Bacon?”
于是我便会问培根护士。“今天什么日子？培根护士？”
This time, Charles looked more afraid than ever. We sat in the same two seats as before and, again, Nurse Spiller stood in the door-place and larked with the nurses in the hall. We sat for a minute in silence. His cheek was white as chalk. I said, in a whisper, “Charles, did you do it?”
这一回，查尔斯看上去比上次恐惧一些。我们坐到跟前次一样的两个座位里，斯皮乐护士又站到门边上，与大厅里的护士们嬉笑。在沉默中，我们呆坐了一分钟。他脸苍白得象石灰。我低声说道，“查尔斯，事儿你办妥了吗？”
“The blank?”
“钥匙坯？”
He nodded.
他点点头。
He nodded again.
他又点点头。
“But the blank,” he said, in a complaining tone, “cost nearly all my money. The locksmith said that some blanks are blanker than others. You never told me that. I got the blankest he had.”
“可那个钥匙坯，”他以抱怨的口气说道，“都快把我的钱折腾光了。锁匠说有些钥匙坯比别的更粗坯。这个你都没跟我说过。我把他那儿最粗坯的买来了。”
“The file?”
“锉刀？”
Another nod.
再点点头。
I parted my fingers, and met his gaze.
我叉开手指头，看着他的眼睛。
I put my hand before my eyes.
我手捂住双眼。
The whole week passed like that. Then Wednesday came. Dr Graves and Dr Christie went off in their coach and, late in the morning, Nurse Spiller arrived at the door to our room, looked at me and said, “Well, ain’t we charming? There’s a certain young shaver downstairs, come back for another visit. We shall be putting out the banns, at this rate…” She led me down. In the hall, she gave me a poke. “No monkeying about,” she said.
一整个星期就是这么过来的。然后星期三到了。格里夫斯医生和克里斯蒂医生坐着马车出去了，上午的晚些时候，斯皮乐护士来到我们病房门口，望着我，说道，“好啦，我们怎么这么迷人吗？楼下有某个小奴隶，回来再次探视。照这样下去，我们要贴个结婚公告出来了…”她带我下了楼。在大厅里，她戳了我一下。“不要瞎折腾，”她说道。
Then I told him what he must do next. I said he must wait for me, that night, on the other side of Dr Christie’s park wall. I said he must find the spot where the highest tree grew, and wait for me there. He must wait all night, if he had to — for I could not say, for sure, how long my escape would take me. He must only wait, and be ready to run. And if I did not come at all, he must know that something had happened to stop me; and then he must come back the next night and wait again — he must do that, three nights over.
接着，我告诉他下一步必须做什么。我说他必须等着我，那天夜里，在克里斯蒂医生的花园院墙外面。我说他必须找到那个树长得最高的地方，就在那儿等我。如果必须，他就得整夜守侯——因为我也说不出，很确凿的，我的逃脱计划要花多长时间。他必须且只须守侯着，同时随时准备跑路。如果我压根儿就没来，他必须明白，那是有什么事发生，把我耽搁住了；然后第二天夜里，他必须回来，再次守侯——他必须这么做，连着三个晚上。
“How much did you give him?” I asked.
“你给他多少钱？”我问道。
Three shillings for a sixpenny blank! I covered my eyes again. Then, “Never mind,” I said. “Never mind. Good boy…”
三先令买了个六便士的钥匙坯！我又捂住了眼睛。然后，“别介意，”我说道，“别介意，好孩子…”
“Three shillings, miss.”
“三先令，小姐。”
“And if you don’t come, then?” he asked, his eyes wide.
“要是你没来，那么？”他眼睛睁圆了，问道。
“If I don’t come then,” I said, “you do this: you go to London, and you find out a street named Lant Street, and a lady that lives there, named Mrs Sucksby; and you tell her where I am. God help me, Charles, that lady loves me! — and she’ll love you, for being my friend. She’ll know what to do.”
“要是我没来，那么，”我说道，“你这么干：你去伦敦，找到一条蓝特街，和住在那儿的一位女士，叫做萨克丝贝太太；然后你告诉她我在哪儿。——她会喜欢你的，因为是我的朋友。她会知道怎么做的。”
I turned my head. My eyes had filled with water. “You got it?” I said at last. “You swear?”
我转过头去。我的眼里充满了泪水。“你记住了吗？”最后我说道。“你发誓？”
He said he did. “Show me your hand,” I said then; and when I saw how it shook, I dared not let him try and slip me the blank and file, for fear he would drop them. He kept them in his pocket, and I hooked them out just before I left him — while Nurse Spiller looked on, laughing to see him kiss my cheek and blush. The file went up my sleeve. The blank I held on to — then, as I went upstairs, I stooped as if to tug up a stocking, and let it fall into one of my boots.
他说他记住了。于是我说道，“把你的手给我，”当我看到他的手抖得有多厉害时，我又不敢让他把钥匙坯和锉刀偷偷递给我了，因为害怕他会失手把东西弄掉了。他把钥匙坯和锉刀放在口袋里，就在跟他分开的当口儿，我才把这两样东西勾出来——趁斯皮乐护士见到他亲吻我的脸颊，又面红耳赤的样子，斯皮乐护士哈哈大笑的时候。锉刀收到袖子里。钥匙坯就捏在我手里——然后，上楼的时候，我蹲下来，假装提袜子，顺手让钥匙坯落进我鞋子里。
Then I lay on my bed. I thought of all the burglars I had ever heard of, and all the burglars’ boasts. I was like them, now. I had my file, I had my blank. I had my pal on the other side of the madhouse wall. Now all I must do was get hold of a key, long enough to make my copy.
然后，我躺在床上，我想到了我以前听说过的所有夜贼，和所有夜贼吹过的牛皮。现在，我就跟他们一样。我有锉刀，我有钥匙坯。疯人院高墙外面还有我的同伙。现在我所要做的，就是搞到一把钥匙，保存在手里，时间长到够我做一把新钥匙出来。
I did it like this.
我是这么干的。
That night, when Nurse Bacon sat in her chair and flexed her fingers, I said, “Let me rub your hands for you tonight, Nurse Bacon, instead of Betty. Betty doesn’t like it. She says the grease makes her smell like a chop.”
那天晚上，当培根护士坐到她的椅子上，活动手指头时，我说道，“今晚就让我代替贝蒂给你揉手吧。贝蒂不喜欢做这个。她说药膏让她身上有股肉排骨似的味道。”
“I never!” said Betty. “I never!”
“我没说！”贝蒂说道。“我没说过！”
“Fetch ’em out,” she said to me.
“把这个拿出来。”她对我说道。
Betty’s mouth fell open. “Oh! Oh!” she cried.
贝蒂嘴巴撑圆了，下巴也要掉下来了。“噢！噢！”她叫道。
“God help us,” said Nurse Bacon. “As if this heat weren’t enough. Be quiet, Betty! — Like a chop, did you say? And after all my kindness?”
“上帝救救我们吧，”培根护士说道。“好象这么热还不够似的。安静点，贝蒂！——象肉排骨，你说的吗？还得了我这么多好处？”
She meant her keys. I hesitated, then put in my hand and drew them up. They were warm from the heat of her leg. She watched me do it.
她说的是她的钥匙串儿。我犹豫一下，然后伸手进去，将钥匙串儿提溜出来。钥匙上还带着她的体温。她盯着我的一举一动。
“She did,” I said. “Like a chop, done up for the pan. You let me do it instead. Look how neat and soft my hands are.”
“她说过，”我说道。“像肉排骨一样，腌好了要下锅啦。你还是让我代替她来揉吧。看看我的手有多利索、多软和。”
Nurse Bacon looked, not at my fingers, but at my face. Then she screwed up her eyes. “Betty, shut up!” she said. “What a row, and my flesh blazing. I’m sure I don’t care who does it; but I’d rather a quiet girl than a noisy one. Here.” She put the tip of her thumb to the edge of the pocket in her skirt and pulled it back.
培根护士看着我，没看我的手，却看着我的脸。然后她眼睛翻上去。“贝蒂，闭嘴！”她说道。“吵死了，我身上都着起来了。我肯定我不在乎谁来给我揉手；不过我更喜欢找个安静的姑娘，而不是个闹喳喳的姑娘。这儿。”她大拇指指尖儿伸进裙子上的口袋，拉开了口袋。
“That littlest one,” she said. I held it and let the others swing, then went to the cupboard and got out the jar of grease. Betty lay on her stomach and kicked up her heels, weeping into her pillow. Nurse Bacon sat back and put up her cuffs. I sat beside her and worked the ointment in, all about her swollen hands, just as I had seen it done a hundred times. I rubbed for half an hour. Now and then she winced. Then her eyes half closed and she gazed at me from beneath the lids. She gazed in a warm and thoughtful way, and almost smiled.
“那把最小的，”她说道。我挑出那把钥匙，任剩下的钥匙摇荡着，走到橱柜前，取出那罐油膏。贝蒂趴在床上，踢打着脚丫，脸埋在枕头里哭。培根护士坐了回去，拉开了袖套。我坐到她身旁，将油膏抹遍她肿胀的双手，正如我曾见过上百次那样。我揉了半个钟头。她时不时会痛得一颤。然后她眼睛半闭着，从眼皮底下望着我。她用一种温和又若有所思的目光望着我，几乎带着笑意。
When at last she yawned and drew her hands away, and stretched, my heart gave a thump; but she did not see it. I moved from her side, to take the ointment back to its cupboard. My heart thumped again. I had only a second to do what I needed to do.
当她终于打起哈欠，抽回双手，伸了个懒腰的时候，我的心大力地一跳；不过她并没有看到。我从她身边走开，去将油膏放回橱柜里。我的心又大力地一跳。我只有一秒钟的时间来做我必须做的事。
“Not so bad, is it?” she murmured. “Eh?”
“还不是太糟糕，是吧？”她喃喃自语道。“嗯？”
I didn’t answer. I was thinking, not of her, but of the night and the work to come. If my colour was up, she must have taken it for a blush. If I seemed strange, and conscious of myself, what was that to her? We were all strange, there.
我没回话。我在想心事，不是想她，而是想着夜里，和接下来要干的活儿。要是我脸色变了，她肯定会以为那是羞红的。要是我有些古怪，自己别别扭扭的，那在她眼里又会是什么呢？在那儿，我们都是怪人。
I caught the key up and quickly but very carefully pressed it into the jar. The grease took the shape of the bitting, good as anything. I looked at it once, then screwed on the lid and set the jar back on its shelf. The cupboard door I closed, but only pretended to lock. The key I wiped on my sleeve. I took it back to Nurse Bacon, and she opened up her pocket with the tip of her thumb, like before.
我抓起那把钥匙，迅速却又很小心地按进罐子里。油膏上留下了钥匙的齿形，分毫不差。橱柜门我是关上了，但却只是假装着上了锁。那把钥匙我在袖子上擦了擦，又交还给培根护士，她就如先前一般，用大拇指指尖儿拉开了口袋。
The loop of keys was hanging from the lock, the one I wanted — the one to the doors — hanging lowest. I did not plan to steal it, she would have noticed if I had. But men came all the time to Lant Street, with bits of soap, and putty, and wax…
钥匙环儿挂在锁上，我想搞到手的那把钥匙——能开所有门的钥匙——正是挂得最低的那把。我不打算偷钥匙，要是我偷了，她会注意到的。不过一直以来，来蓝特街的人们都带着一丁点肥皂，油泥，石蜡…
I would not meet her eye. I went to my bed, and she yawned, and sat in her chair and dozed, as she always did, until Nurse Spiller brought round our draughts. I had got used to taking mine, along with the other ladies, but tonight I tipped it away — into the mattress, this time — then gave back my empty bowl.
我没看她的眼睛。我回到床上，她打着哈欠，坐在椅子上打瞌睡，正如她平常所为，一直到斯皮乐护士过来给我们发药。我已习惯了喝我那份药，跟别的女士们一起喝，可是今天晚上我把药倒掉了——这次倒在垫子上——再把空碗还给他们。
Then I watched, in a sort of fever, to see what Nurse Bacon would do next. If she had gone to the cupboard — say, for a paper, or a cake, or a piece of knitting, or any small thing; if she had gone to the cupboard and found it open, and locked it, and spoiled my plan, I can’t say what I would have done.
接着，我在某种兴奋中，留意瞧着，要看看培根护士接下来干什么。要是她走到橱柜跟前——万一，去找张纸，或者找块点心，或者拿件毛线活儿，或者找什么小东西；要是她走到橱柜跟前，发现柜门开着，便顺手上了锁，搅乱了我的计划，我可真不知道我会干出些什么事儿来。
“Right in,” she said, as I made to put in the keys. “All the way to the bottom. That’s right.”
我不得不将钥匙放归原处时，她说道，“放进去，一路到底。这就对了。”
I really think I might have killed her. But anyway, she did not go. She only sat sleeping in her chair. She slept so long, I began to despair of her ever waking up again: I coughed; picked up my boot and dropped it; ground the legs of my bed against the floor — and still she slept on.
我真的觉得，我会杀了她。不过总算是，她没走过去。她只是坐在椅子上睡着了。她睡了好长时间，长到我开始为她会再次醒来而感到绝望：我咳嗽一声；拎起我的鞋子，再扔到地上；还颠一颠我的床脚——她还睡着。
Then some dream woke her. She got up, and put her nightgown on. I had my fingers across my face, and saw her do it, through the cracks: I saw her stand, rubbing her stomach through the cotton of her gown; and I saw her looking at all the ladies and then at me, seeming to turn some idea over in her mind…
这时，有梦惊醒了她。她起身，穿上睡衣。我手捂着脸，从指头缝里看她的举动：我看到她站着，正隔着衣裳揉肚子；我又看到她望着所有人，然后望着我，似乎心里在为某个念头反复斗争…
But then, she gave the idea up. Perhaps it was the heat. She yawned again, put the chain of keys around her neck, got into her bed; and started snoring.
不过随后，她便放弃了那个念头。说不定是个邪念。她又打哈欠，将钥匙链挂到脖子上，便上了床；很快打起了呼噜。
It was terrible work to be doing in a desperate mood. I seemed to feel the night slipping away, like so much sand — or else, Nurse Bacon would fall silent, I would pause and look about me and be brought back to myself — to the beds, and the sleeping ladies — and the room would seem so still I feared that time had stopped and I should be caught in it forever. No-one called out that night, no-one had awful dreams, no bells were rung, everyone lay heavy in their beds. I was the only wakeful soul in the house — the only wakeful soul, I might as well have been, in all the world; except, that I knew that Charles was also wakeful — was waiting, on the other side of Dr Christie’s walls — was waiting for me; and that, beyond him, Mrs Sucksby was also waiting — perhaps, was sighing in her bed — or walking, wringing her hands and calling out my name… It must have been the thought of that, that gave me courage and made the file run true.
在绝望的心情之下，这是个让人烦乱不堪的活儿。我似乎感觉到夜晚悄悄地溜走了，就好象流沙一般——要么就是，培根护士不扯呼噜了，静下来了，我就停手，看看周围，才想起我自己——想起了床铺，和熟睡的女士们——病房里似乎太静了，我担心是时间停滞住了，而我会被永久地禁闭在这时间里。那天夜里没人叫嚷，没人做噩梦，铃声也没响，每个人都沉沉地躺在床上。我是那座房子里唯一清醒的灵魂——我也可能是全世界，唯一清醒的灵魂；除了，我知道查尔斯也醒着——在克里斯蒂医生的重重高墙之外，等待着我；还有，除他之外，萨克丝贝太太也在等待着——说不定，正在床上唉声叹气呢——要么度着步子，绞着双手，呼喊着我的名字…肯定是这个念头，给了我勇气，也让锉刀锉得准确有力。
I counted her snores. When I had counted twenty I rose, like a ghost, crept back to the cupboard, and got out the jar of grease.
我数着她的呼噜。等数到二十下，我就起来了，像个幽灵，蹑手蹑脚地回到橱柜前，拿出那罐油膏。
Then I cut my copy. I can’t say how long it took. I only know, it took hours — for of course, though the file was a fine one, and though I worked with the sheets and blankets bunched about my hands to muffle the sound, still the rasp of the iron seemed loud, and I dared only cut in time to Nurse Bacon’s snores. And I could not file too quickly even then, for I had always to be matching up the blank with the impression, making sure the cuts were right; then again, my fingers would ache, I would have to stop and flex them; or they’d grow wet, the blank would slip and swivel in my hands.
然后我就锉钥匙。我也说不出花了多长时间。我只知道，矬了好几个小时——因为，当然了，虽然锉刀是把好锉刀，虽然我用床单和毯子包住了双手，好闷住锉刀的声音，那铁器的摩擦声似乎还是太响，我只敢趁着培根护士打呼噜的时候锉两下。即便如此，我也没办法锉得快一点，因为我总是要拿钥匙坯跟印模比一比，对一对，确保锉刀锉出的齿牙是对的；然后还有，我的手疼坏了，我不得不停下手来，活动活动关节；要么就是手被汗湿了，钥匙坯捏在手里会打滑。
I watched her another minute, then went to the door. Slowly, slowly, I put the key in the lock. Slowly, slowly, I turned it. “Please God,” I whispered, as it moved. “Dear God, I swear, I’ll be good, I’ll be honest the rest of my days, I swear — ” It caught, and stuck. “Fuck! Fuck!” I said. The wards had jammed, I had not cut true after all: now it would not turn, either forwards or backwards. ” Fuck! You fuckster! Oh!” I gripped it harder, and tried again — still nothing — at last I let it go. I went silently back to my bed, got Nurse Bacon’s ointment jar, stole back with it to the door, put grease across the key-hole and blew it into the lock. Then, almost fainting with fear, I gripped the key again; and this time — this time, it worked.
我又盯了她一分钟，然后就往门口走。慢慢地，慢慢地，我把钥匙插进锁里。慢慢地，慢慢地，我转动着钥匙。钥匙动作时，我低声说道，“求你了，上帝。我余生里一定做个好人，一定做个诚实的人，我发誓——”钥匙卡住，响了一声。“妈的！妈的！”我说道。锁舌（wards）卡住了，我还是没锉好：这时钥匙不动了，不管往前还是往后。“妈的！你他妈的！噢！”我手上更用劲儿了，又试了一回——还是不动——最后我任它去了。我悄无声息地回到床边，拿到培根护士的油膏罐子，偷偷地拿回门口，把油膏涂到锁眼儿上，再吹到锁里。这时候，恐惧得几乎要晕过去了，我又抓住钥匙；而这一回——这一回，它显灵了。
The key was finished. I held it, in a sort of daze. My fingers were stained from the iron, and grazed from the slipping of the file, and almost numb from gripping. I dared not stay to bind them up, though. Very carefully I rose, pulled on my tartan gown, and took up my rubber boots. I also took Nurse Bacon’s comb. — That was all, just that. I lifted it from off her table, and, as I did, she moved her head: I held my breath, but she did not wake. I stood quite still, looking into her face. And I was filled, suddenly, with guilt. I thought, “How disappointed she’ll be, when she finds how I’ve tricked her!” — I thought of how pleased she had got, when I’d said I would rub her hands.
钥匙做好了。我攥着它，心里一阵恍惚。我手上沾满铁屑，还被锉刀擦破了几处，攥得太过用力，手几乎麻木了。即便如此，我也不敢包扎伤口。非常小心地，我起了床，套上花格呢衣裳，拎起了胶鞋。我还拿了培根护士的梳子。——就这些了，没拿别的。我从她桌上拿起梳子，拿的时候，她脑袋动了动：我屏住呼吸，不过她并没有醒过来。我纹丝不动地站着，盯着她的脸看。忽然间，我心里充满了愧疚。我心想，“她该多失望啊，等她发现我如何戏弄了她。”我想起，当我说愿意帮她揉手的时候，她是多么开心。
For at last there came a time when I put the blank to the jar, and saw that the cuts all matched.
那一刻终于到来了，我把钥匙坯放到罐子里，看到齿牙都全部吻合。
Queer, the things you think at such times.
在这种时候，你心里想的，全是些怪里怪气的事儿。
There were three more doors to be got through, after that.
这扇门之后，还要经过三道门。
The key did the same in all of them — got stuck, and must be greased — and every time, I shuddered to hear the grinding of the iron in the lock, and went on faster. But no-one woke. The passages were hot and quiet, the stairs and hall quite still. The front door was bolted and latched, I didn’t need a key for that.
在这三道门上，钥匙的表现一如既往——卡住，必须得上点油膏——每一回，我听到锁头里金属的摩擦声，都要浑身一震，然后行动得更迅速了。不过没人醒过来。走道里既闷热又安静，楼梯上和大厅里都十分静谧。前门上了门闩，用的是一把撞锁，我不用钥匙也能打开。
I left it open behind me. It was as easy as the time that I had gone from Briar with Maud: only on the walk before the house did I get a fright, for as I made to cross the bit of gravel there, I heard a step, and then a voice. The voice called, softly, “Hey!” — I heard it, and almost died. I thought it was calling me. Then there came a woman’s laugh, and I saw figures: two men — Mr Bates, I think, and another; and a nurse — Nurse Flew, with the swivel-eye. “You’ll get your — ” one of them said; but that was all I heard. They went through bushes, at the side of the house. Nurse Flew laughed again. Then the laugh got stifled, and there came silence. I did not wait to see what the silence would become. I ran — lightly, at first, across the strip of gravel — then fast and hard, across the lawn. I didn’t look back at the house. I didn’t think about the ladies, still inside it. I should like to say I went and threw my key into the little walled garden, for one of them to find; but I did not. I didn’t save anyone but myself. I was too afraid.
我出去后，就让前门敞着。这就跟那次我和莫德一起逃出布莱尔一样容易：只是走到了屋前，我受了点儿惊吓，因为我不得不经过一小段石子路时，我听到了脚步声，然后是一个声音。这声音轻轻地喊道，“嗨！”——听在耳中，我差点没吓死。我以为那是在喊我。这时，又传来一个女人的笑声，我看到了人影子：两个男的——贝特斯先生，我觉得是，还有另一个人；一个护士——福洛护士，那个眼睛滴溜乱转的。“你会得到你的——”其中一个说道；不过我就听到这些。他们穿过了房子旁边的灌木丛。福洛护士又笑了。然后笑声被捂住了，一阵静默。我也没等在那儿看这静默之后究竟会如何。我跑起来了——刚开始是轻手轻脚地跑，跑过那段石子路——然后快步跑，跑过了草坪。我没回头看那幢房子。我也没去想那些女士们，依旧住在那里边。我本该高兴地说，我跑掉了，还把我的钥匙扔进了那个小花园，就为了他们中的谁能找到它；不过我没有这么做。除了我自己，我谁也没搭救。我太害怕了。
I found the tallest tree: it took me another half-hour, then, to get myself up the knots in its trunk — to fall, to try again — to fall a second time, a third, a fourth — to heave myself finally on to its lowest branch — to climb from there to the branch above — to work my way across a creaking bough until I reached the wall… God knows how I did it. I can only say, I did.
我找到了那棵最高的树：然后，这又花了我半个钟头，爬到树枝高头——掉下来了，就再试一回——掉下两次，三次，四次——终于爬到最低的一根树枝上，从这根树枝，又攀上高处的树枝——又爬过一根吱呀作响的树干，直到我够着了院墙…上帝知道我是如何做到的。我只能说，我做到了。
“Charles! Charles!” I called, from the top of the bricks. There was no answer. But I did not wait. I jumped. I hit the ground and heard a yelp. It was him. He had waited so long, he had fallen asleep; and I almost struck him.
“查尔斯！查尔斯！”我坐在墙头上喊道。无人应答。不过我并没有坐等。我跳下来了，我跳到地上，听到一声惨叫。那正是他。他等得太久，就睡过去了；我差点要揍他了。
“Come on!” I said. I caught his arm. We turned our backs to the wall, and ran and ran.
“来吧！”我说道。我抓住他的胳膊。我们转身背朝院墙，没命地跑啊跑。
The yelp made a dog bark, back at the house. That dog set off another. Charles put his hand before his mouth.
惨叫声把一只狗招得狂吠起来，就在房后边。那只狗又把别的狗发动起来了，查尔斯手捂住了嘴巴。
We ran through grass and hedges. The night was still dark, the paths all hidden, and I was too afraid, at first, to take the time to find them out. Every now and then Charles would stumble, or slow his step to press his hand to his side and find his breath, and then I’d tilt my head and listen; but there was nothing to hear but birds, and breezes, and mice. Soon the sky grew lighter, and we made out the pale strip of a road. “Which way?” said Charles. I did not know. It had been months and months since I had stood on any kind of path and had to choose the way to take. I looked about me, and the land and the lightening sky seemed suddenly vast and fearful. Then I saw Charles looking, and waiting. I thought of London. “This way,” I said, beginning to walk; and the fear passed from me.
我们跑过草地和篱笆。夜晚还是一片黑暗，条条小路都躲起来了，刚开始的时候，我异常恐惧，竟没有花费时间看看路。查尔斯脚底下会时不时地绊一下，要么他就放慢脚步，手按住身侧，大口大口地喘粗气。这时候我就会侧耳倾听；可是除了鸟儿的声音，风声和田鼠的动静，我什么都没听见。很快，天微微亮起来了，我们也辨出了一条灰白色的路。“哪边走？”查尔斯说道。我也不知道。从我上一回站在路上，不得不选一条路走，至今已经过了好几个月了。我看看四周，大地和渐渐亮起来的天空好象忽然间变得广阔无垠，令人生畏。这时，我见查尔斯望着我，等我指示。我想到了伦敦。“这边走。”我一面说，一面开步走；那阵恐惧已经过去了。
When the sky grew even paler, we began to hear horses and wheels. We should have been glad of a lift, but I was afraid, each time, that the cart or coach might have been sent out after us, from the madhouse. Only when we saw an old farmer driving out of a gate in a donkey-cart, did I think we could be sure he was not one of Dr Christie’s men: we put ourselves in his way, and he slowed the donkey and let us ride beside him for an hour. I had combed out the plaits and stitches from my hair and it stood up like coir, and I had no hat, so put a handkerchief of Charles’s about my head. I said that we were brother and sister, and going back to London after a stay with our aunty.
当天空变得更亮更白时，我们开始听到马匹和车轮的声音。我们本应该高高兴兴搭个顺风车的，可是，每次我都害怕那马车或货车是从疯人院里开出来追我们的。只有当我们看到一个老农夫，驾着驴车出了大门时，我才觉得，我们可以认定了，他不是克里斯蒂医生的人：我们冲到路当中，他拉住驴，让我们坐在他身边，搭了一个钟头的车。我先前已梳开了头发里的发结和发辫，头发就乍着，象棕毛（coir）一样，我又没有帽子，于是便拿查尔斯的手绢包住了头。我说我们是姐弟俩，跟婶婶一起待了一段时间之后，正要回伦敦去。
It was like that, then, all the way: every time we met the crossing of two or three roads, I would stand for a minute and think hard of London; and just as if I were Dick Whittington, the idea would come to me which road we ought to take.
于是，一路上都是这样：每回我们碰到十字路口或者三岔路口，我就会呆立一分钟，苦思冥想伦敦的方位；就好象我是迪克。惠廷顿，自会知道我们应该走哪条路。
“London, eh?” said the farmer. “They say a man can live forty years there and never meet his neighbour. Is that right?”
“伦敦？哦？”农夫说道。“他们说一个人在那儿住四十年，也碰不见他的邻居。这是真的吗？”
“Seven o’clock,” I said. I felt suddenly gloomy. I looked at Nurse Bacon’s comb. “They’ll be waking up now, and finding my empty bed; if they haven’t found it already.”
“七点了。”我说道。我忽然感到忧心忡忡。我望着培根护士的梳子。“现在他们肯定都醒了，发现我的床空着；要是他们还没发现”
He put us down at the side of the road at the edge of a town, and showed us the way we must take from there. I guessed we had gone about nine or ten miles. We had forty more to do. This was still early morning. We found a baker’s shop, and bought bread; but the woman in the shop looked so queerly at my hair and my gown, and my rubber boots, I wished we had given up the bread and gone hungry.
到了集镇外面，他把我们放在路边，还给我们指了路。我猜我们已经走了九里到十里路，我们还要走四十里。当时还是清晨时分。我们找到一家面包店，买了面包；可店里那个女人望着我的头发和衣裳，还有我的胶鞋，目光怪异，我真想丢下面包，饥肠漉漉地一走了之。
“Is it?”
“是吗？”
We sat in a church-yard, upon the grass, against two leaning stones. The church bell rang, and we both started.
我们坐在教堂墓地的草坪上，背靠着两块歪斜的墓碑。教堂的钟声响了，我们俩都吓了一跳。
“Mr Way will be polishing shoes,” said Charles. His lip began to jump.
“魏先生会擦皮鞋，”查尔斯说道，他嘴唇开始抽搐。
That made him feel better. We finished our bread, and then rose and brushed the grass off.
这令他感觉好多了。我们吃完面包，便站起身来，拍掉身上的杂草。
“Think of Mr Rivers’s boots,” I said quickly. “I bet they want a polish. London is awfully hard on a gentleman’s shoes.”
“想想瑞富斯先生的靴子，”我飞快地说道。“我敢打赌，那双靴子得好好擦擦了。伦敦可从来都不善待绅士们的靴子。”
A man went by with a shovel. He looked at us rather as the woman in the baker’s shop had.
有个人扛了把铁锹路过。他望着我们，眼神特象面包店的那个女人。
The sun made the air grow warm. There came butterflies, and bees. Now and then I stopped and untied the handkerchief from about my head, and wiped my face. I had never walked so far, so hard, in my life; and for three months I had not been further than round and round the little walled garden at the madhouse. There were blisters on my heels, the size of shillings. I thought, “We shall never get to London!”
日头晒得空气也热烘烘的。有蝴蝶和蜜蜂飞来飞去的。我不时地停下来，解下包头的手绢，擦擦脸。我这辈子，还没走过这么远的路，也没走得这么辛苦过。有三个月的时间，我的活动范围不过是在疯人院围墙围出的那个小花园里一圈又一圈地转圈。我脚跟起了泡，有先令那么大。我心想，“我们永远也到不了伦敦啦！”
But each time I thought it, I thought of Mrs Sucksby, and imagined the look upon her face when I turned up at the Lant Street door. Then I thought of Maud, wherever she was; and imagined her face.
可是每回我想到这儿，就想起了萨克丝贝太太，我想象着，当我出现在蓝特街门口的时候，她脸上的表情。然而，对于我，她的面孔好象模糊了。
“They think we’re tinkers,” said Charles, as we watched him pass. But I imagined men coming from the madhouse, asking about after a girl in a tartan dress and rubber boots. “Let’s go,” I said, and we left the road again and took a quiet path that went off across fields. We kept as much as we could to the hedges, though the grass was higher there, and harder and slower to walk on.
当我们目送他经过时，查尔斯说道，“他们以为我们是补锅匠。”而我却以为这个人是疯人院来的，正四处打听一个身穿花格呢和胶鞋的姑娘。“我们走，”我说道，我们又离开了大路，走上一条横穿田野的安静小路，我们尽量沿着篱笆走，尽管篱笆旁边的杂草长得更高，更不好走，让我们走得更慢。
Her face seemed dim to me, however. The dimness bothered me. I said, “Tell me, Charles, what colour are Miss Lilly’s eyes? Are they brown, or blue?”
这种模糊令我烦恼不已。我说道，“告诉我，查尔斯，李小姐的眼睛是什么颜色的？是褐色的吗？还是蓝色的？”
He looked at me strangely. “I think they are brown, miss.”
他奇怪地望着我。“我觉得是褐色的，小姐。”
“Are you sure?”
“你肯定？”
“I think so, miss.”
“我觉得是，小姐。”
Near noon that day we came across a row of little cottages, on the side of the path to a village. I made Charles stop, and we stood behind a hedge, and I watched the doors and windows. At one, a girl stood shaking cloths — though after a minute she went inside, and then the window was closed. At another, a woman with a bucket passed back and forth, not looking out.
那天快到中午的时候，我们走过一排小农舍，就在通往一个村子的路旁边。我叫查尔斯停住，我们站在一段篱笆后面，我看到了门窗。在一扇窗前，一个姑娘站在那儿抖衣裳——不过，过了一分钟她就进去了，然后窗户关上了。在另一扇窗前，一个女人提着个桶，前前后后地跑，也不朝外边看一眼。
But I was not sure. I walked a little faster. Charles ran beside me, panting.
可我拿不准。我加快了脚步，查尔斯在我身边小跑，气喘吁吁的。
“I think so, too.”
“我也觉得。”
The windows of the next cottage down were all shut and dark; but I guessed there must be something behind them, worth stealing: I thought of going to the door and knocking and, if no-one came, trying the latch. But as I stood, working up my nerve, there came voices, from the very last house: we looked, and there at the garden gate was a woman and two little children. The woman was tying on a bonnet and kissing the children good-bye.
隔壁农舍的窗子都关着，黑洞洞的；不过我猜想，窗子后边肯定有什么东西，值得一偷：我想走到门口，敲敲门，要是没人应门，就探探门闩。可就在我站在那儿，脑筋运转的时候，从最后一幢房子传来一阵声音：我们张望着，那边院子门口有一个女人和两个小孩。那女人正一面戴帽子，一面跟孩子们吻别。
“Now, Janet,” she was saying to the biggest one, “mind you watch Baby nicely. I shall be back to give you your egg. You may hem your hankie if you like, if you’ll only be careful with the needle.”
“好了，珍尼，”她在跟那个大的说话，“仔细留心看着弟弟。我回来会给你的鸡蛋分给你。如果你喜欢，你可以绣绣你的手绢边儿，只要你拿针的时候小心点。”
I watched her go. Then I looked from her to the little girl — who had left the gate now, and was walking back up the path, leading her brother towards the open cottage door. Then I looked at Charles. I said, “Charles, here’s Fate turned our way at last. Give me a sixpence, will you?”
我看着她走远。然后我目光转向那个小姑娘——她现在已经不在院门口，正走在回家的路上，带着她弟弟，朝敞着的农舍大门走。于是我望着查尔斯。我说道，“查尔斯，命运之神终于要改变我们的方向了。给我一个六便士，有吗？”他在口袋里摸了摸。
“Never mind. Stay here. And if anyone comes, give a whistle.”
“别担心。待在这儿。要是有人过来了，就吹一声口哨。”
He felt about in his pocket. “Not that one. Haven’t you got a brighter?”
“不要那个。你没有新一点儿的吗？”
“What are you going to do, miss?” he asked.
“你要干什么？小姐？”他问道。
I took the brightest he had, and gave it an extra shine on the sleeve of my gown.
我把他手里最崭新的硬币拿过来，又在衣服袖子上再抛抛光，让它格外闪亮。
I stood and straightened my skirt; then I went out from behind the hedge and walked smartly over to the gate of the cottage, as if I had come along the path. The little girl turned her head and saw me.
我站起来，抻抻裙子；然后从篱笆后边走出来，身手敏捷地钻进农舍院门，就好象我是一直沿小路走过来似的。那个小姑娘转过头，看到我了。
“All right?” I said. “You’ll be Janet. I just met your ma. Look here, what she gave me. A sixpence. Ain’t it a nice one? She said, “Please give this sixpence to my little girl Janet, and tell her to please go quick to the shop and buy flour.” Said she forgot, just now. Know what flour is, don’t you? Good girl. Know what else your ma said? She said, “My girl Janet is such a good little girl, tell her she’s to have the half-penny left over, for sweets.” Ah. Like sweets, do you? So do I. Nice, ain’t they? But hard on your teeth. Never mind. I dare say you ain’t got all your teeth yet. Oh! Look at them dazzlers! Like pearls on a string! Better nip down the shop, before the rest come up. I’ll stay here and mind the house, shall I? Don’t that sixpence shine! And here’s your little brother, look. Don’t you want to take him with you? Good girl…”
“还好吗？”我说道。“你一定是珍妮。我刚才碰到你妈妈。瞧这儿，她给你什么了。一个六便士。这钱怎么这么好看啊？她说，”请把这个六便士交给我的小女儿珍妮，告诉她快点到商店去，买面粉。“她说她忘记了，刚才。知道面粉是什么吧？知道吗？好姑娘。知道你妈妈还说了什么话吗？她说，”我女儿珍妮可是个好姑娘，告诉她，留半便士，买点糖果。“啊。喜欢糖果，喜欢吗？我也喜欢。好吃，不是吗？不过对你的牙齿可不好。不要紧。我敢说你的牙还没出齐呢。噢！瞧瞧这亮晶晶的小白牙！像串在绳上的珍珠一样！买糖果之前呢，最好先跑到商店去。我会待在这儿，看着房子，好吗？这个六便士可再别闪了！这是你的小弟弟，瞧。你难道不想带他一起去吗？好姑娘？”
“Yes, Ma,” said the girl. She put her face up to be kissed, then stood on the gate and swung it. Her mother walked quickly away from the cottage — past me and Charles, though she didn’t know it; for we were still hidden behind our hedge.
“是的，妈妈。”那小姑娘说道。她仰起脸给妈妈亲了一记，然后站在门口，摇晃着门。她妈妈快步离开了农舍——从我和查尔斯跟前走过，虽然她自己并不知道；因为我们还藏在篱笆后头。
“Turn round,” I said, as I changed. Turn round! Don’t look so frightened, you bloody big girl. Damn her! Damn her!”
换衣裳的时候，我说道，“转过去。转过去！不要一脸惊慌失措的样子，你这个该死的大姑娘。”
It was a pretty poor place, but in a trunk upstairs I found a pair of black shoes, more or less my size, and a print dress, put in paper. I thought the dress might have been the one that the woman was married in, and I swear to God! I almost didn’t take it; but in the end, I did.
这是个非常穷困的家庭，不过在楼上的一个箱子里，我找到一双黑色的鞋子，差不多合我的尺寸，还有一件印花布衣裳，包在纸里。我觉得这件衣裳是那个女人结婚时穿的一件衣裳，我要跟上帝发誓！我基本上没拿那件衣裳；不过到最后，我还是拿了。
All the time I spoke, I was glancing quickly about me, at the windows of the other cottages, and along the path; but no-one came. The little girl put the coin in the pocket of her apron and picked up her baby brother, and staggered away; and I watched her do it, then darted into the house.
我说话的时候，一直飞快地看着四周，看着其他农舍的窗子，还有小路上；不过没人过来。那个小姑娘把钱放进围裙口袋，抱起她的小弟弟，歪歪扭扭地走了；我看她走了，便飞一般地奔进屋子。
Then I ran back to the hedge where Charles was hiding.
然后我跑回篱笆后边，查尔斯藏身的地方。
It was the shabbiest trick there was, and I hated doing it; but what can I say? I had had a shabby trick played on me.
这是最卑鄙的骗局，我不喜欢干这个；可是我能说什么呢？我曾经让一个卑鄙的骗局降临到我身上。
And I also took a black straw bonnet, a shawl, a pair of woollen stockings, a pie from the pantry; and a knife.
我还拿了一顶黑色的草帽，一条披肩，一双羊毛袜子，从碗橱里拿了一块馅饼；和一把刀。
I meant Maud. I was thinking of the little girl, Janet, coming back to the cottage with the flour and her bag of sweets, I was thinking of her mother, coming home in time for tea, and finding her wedding-gown gone.
我说的是莫德。我在想那个小姑娘，珍妮，带着面粉和糖果袋，回到农舍。我在想她的母亲，很快就回家了，要喝茶了，发现她结婚的衣裳没了。
But that was just the thing, I supposed, for the country. We left the fields and the shady paths and went back to the road; and after a time another old farmer came by, and he drove us another few miles; and then we walked again.
不过那都只是，我觉得，乡下的事。我们离开了田野和幽暗的小路，走回到大路上；过了一阵，又有一位老农经过，他搭我们走了几里路；然后我们又步行。
“Don’t look at me, you infant!” I said. “Oh! Oh!”
“不要看我，你这个傻小子！”我说道。“噢！噢！”
“Damn her!” I got hold of Maud’s glove, and ripped it till the stitches gave. Then I threw it to the ground and jumped on it. Charles watched, with a look of terror on his face.
“她这个该死的！”我抓着莫德的手套，撕扯着，撕到线头也露出来了。然后我把它扔到地上，跳上去又踩又跺。查尔斯在一旁看着，一脸惊惶。
But then I grew frightened of someone coming. I took the glove up again and put it back next to my bosom, and tied up the strings of the bonnet. I threw my madhouse gown and my rubber boots into a ditch. The blisters on my feet had opened, and were weeping like eyes; but the stockings were thick ones, and the black shoes were worn and soft. The dress had a pattern of roses on it, and the bonnet had daisies at the brim. I imagined how I must look — like a picture, I thought, of a milkmaid on a dairy wall.
可是随后，我便害怕有人过来。我又捡起手套，将它放回我心口处，再系好帽子上的绳子。我把我疯人院的衣裳和胶鞋都扔到水沟里。我脚上的水泡都破了，象眼睛一样冒着水；可是那双袜子，那是双厚袜子。那双黑鞋已经破了，倒是柔软合脚。那件衣裳上有玫瑰的图样，帽子边儿上缀着雏菊。我想象着我得是个什么样子——像一副画，我觉得，贴在奶牛场墙壁上的，画中是一个挤奶女工。
We still walked hard. Charles was silent all the way. Finally he broke out with: “You took them shoes and that gown, without asking.”
我们还是走得很辛苦。查尔斯一路上都默不作声。临了，他冒出一句：“你拿了人家的鞋和衣裳，也不问一声。”
“I took this pie as well,” I said. “Bet you’ll eat it, though.”
“我还拿了这块馅饼呢。”我说道。“我打赌你要吃这块馅饼。”
We spent the night in the hay of an open barn, and he lay with his back to me, his shoulder-blades shaking. I wondered if he might run off to Briar while I slept; and I waited until he grew quiet, then tied the laces of one his boots to the laces of one of mine, so I should wake up if he tried to. He was an aggravating boy; but I knew I should do better with him than without him, just now — for Dr Christie’s men would be looking for a girl on her own, not a girl and her brother. I thought that if I had to, I would give him the slip once we reached London.
我们在一个敞开的谷仓的干草堆里过夜，他躺着，背对我，肩胛骨颤动着。我想知道，趁我睡着了，他是不是会跑掉，跑回布莱尔；我就等着，一直等到他变安静了，便把他一只靴子的鞋带跟我的一根鞋带系在一起，这样一来，他要是想跑，我就会醒过来了。他是个总要让人大发脾气的人；不过我明白，眼下有他总比没他好——因为克里斯蒂医生的人会寻找一个孤身只影的姑娘，而不是一个姑娘和她的兄弟。我想，如果我非得这么做，到了伦敦，我就让他溜掉算了。
I said we would send the woman her clothes back, and buy her a brand-new pie, in London. Charles looked doubtful.
我说我们会把这个女人的衣裳送还给她，还要在伦敦给她买一块新鲜出炉的馅饼。查尔斯有些怀疑地看着我。
But London still seemed far off. The air still smelled too pure. Some time in the night I woke, and the barn was full of cows: they stood in a circle and looked us over, and one of them coughed like a man. Don’t tell me that’s natural. I woke up Charles, and he was as frightened as I was. He got up and tried to run — of course, he fell down, and nearly took my foot off. I undid our laces. We went backwards out of the barn, then ran, then walked. We saw the sun rise over a hill.
可是伦敦依旧遥不可及。空气的味道依旧清凉新鲜。有的时候，我夜里醒来，谷仓里都是奶牛：它们站成一圈儿，打量着我们，其中一奶头牛象人一样咳嗽起来。可别跟我说那是自然现象。我叫醒查尔斯，结果他跟我一样惊恐万分。他站起来想跑路——当然了，他摔倒了，差点把我的脚拽掉了。我解开我们俩的鞋带。我们一步步后退，退出了谷仓，然后撒腿就跑，跑一阵又走。我们看到太阳升起来了，升到一座小山包上面了。
The night had been cold as winter, but the hill was a steep one and we grew warm as we climbed. When we got to the top, the sun was higher in the sky and the day was lightening up. I thought, The morning has broken. — I thought of the morning like an egg, that had split with a crack and was spreading.
夜里冷得冬天，不过那个小山包挺陡峭，我们爬山，爬着爬着就暖和了。当我们爬到山顶时，太阳高挂在天空中，天已经大亮了。我心想，早晨破壳而出啦。——我想早晨就像个鸡蛋，有一道裂缝，它就会裂开，喷出来。
“That means east,” said Charles.
“这说明那是东边，”查尔斯说道。
Before us lay all the green country of England, with its rivers and its roads and its hedges, its churches, its chimneys, its rising threads of smoke. The chimneys grew taller, the roads and rivers wider, the threads of smoke more thick, the farther off the country spread; until at last, at the farthest point of all, they made a smudge, a stain, a darkness — a darkness, like the darkness of the coal in a fire — a darkness that was broken, here and there, where the sun caught panes of glass and the golden tips of domes and steeples, with glittering points of light.
在我们眼前，英格兰的绿色大地铺展开来，展示着它的一条条河流，它的一条条道路，它的一排排篱笆，它的一座座教堂，它的一根根烟囱，和它袅袅升起的烟雾。烟囱越来越高，道路和河流越来越宽阔，烟雾越来越浓重，大地向远方延伸过去。一直延伸到最后，延伸到最远的那一点，汇聚成一团浓烟，一块黑斑，一片幽暗——一片幽暗，就好象火中之炭的幽暗——一片幽暗，被星星点点的光刺破了，那是太阳照到窗格玻璃的反光，还有圆屋顶和尖屋顶的金色的尖儿上，那隐约闪烁的光。
“London,” I said. “Oh, London!”
“伦敦，”我说道。“噢！伦敦！”
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