This wasn’t surprising. He tried to remember what was happening four hundred years ago: China was under the Ming Dynasty, and he thought — he wasn’t sure — that Nurhaci had just founded the empire that would end up replacing the Ming, after slaughtering millions. The Dark Ages had just ended in the West; the steam engine wouldn’t make its appearance for another hundred-plus years; and, as for electricity, one would have to wait three hundred years. If anyone at the time had worried about life four hundred years later, they’d be a laughingstock. It was as ridiculous to worry about the future as to lament the past.
这不奇怪，他想了想四个一世纪前是什么时候，中国是明朝，好像努尔哈赤刚建立后金；西方中世纪的黑暗刚刚结束；蒸汽机还要等一百多年才出现，人们想用电还要等两百多年。那时如果有人为四百年后的事操心，就如同替古人担忧一样可笑。
Tianming read the newspaper and came to the following conclusion: Compared to the time before he was hospitalized, news about Trisolaris and the Earth-Trisolaris Organization (ETO) no longer dominated everything. There were at least some articles that had nothing to do with the crisis. Humanity’s tendency to focus on the here and now reasserted itself, and concern for events that would not take place for four centuries gave way to thoughts about life in the present.
云天明从报纸上得到的第一印象是：与他住院前相比，三体和ETO（地球三体组织）的新闻不是那么铺天盖地了，终于有了一定比例的与危机无关的东西。人类随遇而安的本性正在显现，四个世纪后的事情正在渐渐让位于现世的生活。
After Dr. Zhang’s regular checkup on Yun Tianming, he left a newspaper with him, saying that since Tianming had been in the hospital for so long, he should be aware of what was happening in the world. There was a TV in Tianming’s room, so he was puzzled, wondering if perhaps the doctor had something else in mind.
今天张医生来病房查诊，离开时顺便把一份报纸丢给云天明，说他住院时间也不短了，应该知道一些外面的事。云天明有些奇怪，因为病房里有电视，他隐约感到，张医生这么做可能有其他目的。
A fit of coughing forced him to put down the newspaper and try to get some sleep.
一阵剧烈的咳嗽使他放下了报纸，开始艰难的睡眠。
Why did Dr. Zhang want me to see this news?
张医生想让自己看到这条消息？
As for Tianming himself, based on the way his condition was developing, he wouldn’t even need to worry about next year.
至于他自己，照目前病情的发展，明年的事都不用操心了。
The next day, the TV also showed some interviews and reports about the euthanasia law, but there didn’t seem to be a lot of public interest.
第二天的电视新闻中，有一些关于安乐死法的报道和访谈，但没有引起太大关注，人们的反应也都很平淡。
But one item of news attracted his attention. It was on the front page: The Special Session of the Third Standing Committee of the National People’s Congress Passes Euthanasia Law. Tianming was confused. The special legislative session had been called to deal with the Trisolar Crisis, but this law seemed to have nothing to do with the crisis.
一条新闻引起了他的注意，在头版，Y不是头条掣；黔教醒目：第三届人大常委会特别会议通过安乐死法这有些奇怪，人大常委会特别会议是为与三体危机有关的立法召开的。而这个安乐死法好像与危机没什么关系。
Tianming had trouble sleeping that night: He coughed; he struggled to breathe; he felt weak and nauseous from the chemo. The patient who had the bed next to his sat on the edge of Tianming’s bed and held the oxygen tube for him. His surname was Li, and everyone called him “Lao Li,” Old Li. Lao Li looked around to be sure that the other two patients who shared the room with them were asleep, and then said, “Tianming, I’m going to leave early.”
这天夜里，咳嗽和呼吸困难，以及化疗带来的恶心和虚弱，都使云天明难以入睡。邻床的老李借着帮他拿氧气管的机会坐到他的床沿，确定另外两位病友都睡着后，低声对云天明说：“小云啊，我打算提前走了。”
“No. It’s that law.”
“不，安乐。”【注：安乐死。以后，人们提到这事，都把最后一个字省略了。】
“That is exactly why I’ve decided to do this. If this drags out much longer, they’d have to sell their houses. What for? In the end, there’s no cure. I have to be responsible for my children and their children.”
“正因为这样子，我才这么打算，再拖下去，他们就该卖房了，最后也还是没治，对儿女孙子，我总得有点儿责任心。”
Lao Li sighed, lightly patted Tianming’s arm, and returned to his own bed.
老李好像发现对云天明说这事也不合适，就暗暗在他胳膊上捏了一下，离开上了自己的床。
“You’ve been discharged?”
“出院？”
Staring at the shadows cast against the window curtain by swaying trees, Tianming gradually fell asleep. For the first time since his illness, he had a peaceful dream.
看着路灯投在窗帘上摇曳的树影，云天明渐渐睡着了。生病后第一次，他做了一个平静的梦。
When Tianming awoke in the morning, he was baffled by how, in his dream, he was so certain that there, it would always be drizzling, the surface would always be smooth, and the sky always a misty, dark gray.
凌晨醒来后回梦境，云天明很奇怪，自己在梦中是那么确定，那里会永远下着毛毛雨，里的水面永远没有一丝波纹，那里的天空永远是一样的暗灰色。
Tianming sat up. “But why? Your children are so solicitous and caring –“
“你怎么想到走这一步？儿女都挺孝顺的……”云夭明坐直身子说。
He sat on a small origami boat drifting over placid water, oarless. The sky was a misty, dark gray. There was a cool drizzle, but the rain apparently did not reach the surface of the water, which remained as smooth as a mirror. The water, also gray, merged with the sky in every direction. There was no horizon, no shore…
梦中自己坐在一艘没有桨的小船上，小船是白纸叠成的，浮在宁静的水面，天空是一片迷蒙的暗灰色，下着凉丝丝的小雨，但雨滴似乎没有落到水上，水面如镜子般没有一丝波纹，水面在各个方向都融人这灰色中，看不到岸，也看不到水天连线……
The hospital was about to conduct the procedure Lao Li had asked for.
医院正准备进行老李要求的安乐手术。
It took a great deal of internal discussion before the news outlets settled on the verb “to conduct.” “To execute” was clearly inappropriate; “to carry out” sounded wrong as well; “to complete” seemed to suggest that death was already certain, which was not exactly accurate, either.
新闻稿中“进行”这个词是经过反复斟酌的，“执行”显然不对，“实施”听着也不太对，“完成”就意味着人必死无疑，但对具体的安乐程序而言，也不太准确。
Dr. Zhang asked Tianming whether he felt strong enough to attend Lao Li’s euthanasia ceremony. The doctor hurried to add that since this was the first instance of euthanasia in the city, it would be better to have representatives from various interest groups present, including someone representing other patients. No other meaning was intended.
张医生找到云天明，问如果他身体情况还行，能否参加一下老李的安乐仪式。张医生赶紧解释说：这是本市的第一例安乐，有各方面的代表参加，这中间有病人代表也是很自然的，没别的意思。
Afterwards, he suddenly realized that Dr. Zhang’s face and name seemed familiar — did he know the doctor before his hospitalization?– he couldn’t recall exactly how. The fact that he hadn’t had this feeling of recognition earlier was because their interactions had been limited to discussions of his condition and treatment. The way a doctor acted and spoke while performing his job was different from when he spoke as just another person.
之后，他突然觉得张医生有些面熟，他的名字也有些印象，但一时又想不起来。以前之所以没有这种感觉，是因为他们之间的交流仅限于病情和治疗，医生在看病时和其他时间说话的样子是不太一样的。
But Tianming couldn’t help feeling that the request did contain some hidden message. Still, since Dr. Zhang had always taken good care of him, he agreed.
云天明总感觉这个要求多少有些别的意思，但张医生一直对自己很照顾，他就答应了下来。
None of Lao Li’s family members were present for the procedure. He had kept his decision from them and requested that the city’s Civil Affairs Bureau — not the hospital — inform his family after the procedure was complete. The new law permitted him to conduct his affairs in this manner.
老李安乐时他的亲人一个也不在场，他瞒着他们，只等事情完了后再由市民政局（不是医院）通知，这在安乐死法律上是允许的。
Many reporters showed up, but most were kept away from the scene. The euthanasia room was adapted from a room in the hospital’s emergency department. A one-way mirror made up one of the walls so that observers could see what was happening inside the room, but the patient would not be able to see them.
来采访的新闻媒体不少，但记者们大多被挡在外面。安乐是在医院的一间急救室进行的，这里有一面单向透视的落地玻璃屏，相关人员可以站在玻璃屏的外面，病人看不到。
Whoever was responsible for decorating this room had made quite an effort: There were new, pretty curtains on the windows, fresh flowers in vases, and numerous pink paper hearts on the walls. But their well-intentioned attempt to humanize the situation had achieved the exact opposite: The frightful pall cast by death was mixed with an eerie cheerfulness, as though they were trying to turn a tomb into a nuptial chamber.
院方的本意是好的，为了人性化一些，他们把急救室装饰了一番，换上了漂亮的窗帘，摆上了鲜花，甚至还在墙上贴了许多粉红色的心形图案。但这样做的效果适得其反，像把墓室装成新房，在死的恐怖中又增加了怪异。
Tianming pushed his way through the crowd of observers until he was standing in front of the one-way glass window. As soon as he saw the interior of the euthanasia room, Tianming was seized by a wave of fear and disgust. He wanted to throw up.
云天明进来后，挤过各方面的人士站到玻璃屏前，当他第一眼看到安乐室的样子时，一阵恐惧和恶心混杂着涌上来，差点让他呕吐。
Lao Li was lying on the bed in the middle of the room, and he appeared to be at peace. Tianming realized that they had never properly said good-bye, and his heart grew heavy. Two notaries were inside, finishing up the legal part of the procedure. After Lao Li signed the documents, the notaries came out. Another man went inside to explain the specific steps of the procedure to Lao Li. The man was dressed in a white coat, though it was unclear whether he was really a doctor. The man first pointed to the large screen at the foot of the bed and asked Lao Li whether he could read everything on it. Lao Li nodded. Then the man asked Lao Li to try to use the mouse next to the bed to click the buttons on the screen, and explained that if he found the operation too difficult, other input methods were available. Lao Li tried the mouse and indicated that it worked fine.
老李躺在正中的一张床上，看上去很平静，云天明想到他们还没有告别过，心里越来越沉重。两个法律公证人在里面完成了公证程序，老李在公证书上签了字。公证人出来后，又有一个人进去为他讲解最后的操作程序。这人身着白大褂，不知是不是医生。他首先指着床前的一个大屏幕，问老李是否能看清上面显示的字，老李说可以后，他又让老一李试试是否能用右手移动床边的鼠标点击屏幕上的按钮，并特别说明，如果不方使。还有别的方式，老李试了试也可以。
Tianming recalled that Lao Li had once told him that he had never used a computer. When he needed cash, he had to go queue up at the counter at the bank. This must be the first time in Lao Li’s life that he used a mouse.
这时云天明想到。老一李曾告诉过他，自己从没用过电脑、取钱只能到银行排队，那么这是他有生第一次用鼠标了。
The man in the white coat then told Lao Li that a question was going to be displayed on the screen, and the same question would be asked five times. Each time the question was displayed, there would be six buttons underneath, numbered from zero to five. If Lao Li wished to answer in the affirmative, he had to click on the specific numbered button indicated in the on-screen instructions, which would change randomly each time the question was asked. If Lao Li wished to answer in the negative, he just had to press zero, and the procedure would stop immediately. There would be no “Yes” or “No’ button. The reason for the complicated procedure, the man explained, was to avoid a situation where the patient simply continued to press the same button over and over without thinking about his answers each time.
穿白大褂的人接着告诉老李，屏幕上将显示一个问题，并重复显示五次，问题下面从0到5有六个按钮，每一次如果老李做肯定的回答，就按照提示按动一个按钮，提示的数字是1到5中随机的一个——之所以这样做，而没用“是”或“否”按钮，是为了防止病人在无意识状态下反复按动同一个按钮；如果否定，则都是按0，这种情况下安乐程序将立刻中止。
A nurse went inside and secured a needle into Lao Li’s left arm. The tube behind the needle was connected to an automatic injector about the size of a notebook computer. The man in the white coat took out a sealed package, unwrapped layers of protective film, and revealed a small glass vial filled with a yellowish liquid.
一名护士进去，把一个针头插到老李左臂上，针头通过一个软管与一台笔记本电脑大小的自动注射机相连。先前那名指导者掏出一个东西，打开层层密封，是一支小玻璃管，里面有淡黄色的液体。
Carefully, he filled the injector with the contents of the vial, and left with the nurse.
他小心地把那个玻璃管装到注射机上，然后和护士一起走出来。
Do you wish to terminate your life? For yes, select 3. For no, select 0.
你要结束自己的生命吗？是，请按3键；否，请按0键。
Only Lao Li was left in the room.
安乐室里只剩老李一人了。
The process repeated twice more. And then:
然后问题又显示了两次，肯定键分别是1和2，老李都按了。
The screen displayed the question, and a soft, gentle female voice read it aloud:
安乐程序正式开始，屏幕显示问题，同时由一个柔美的女声读出来：
Do you wish to terminate your life? This is your last prompt. For yes, select 4. For no, select 0.
你要结束自己的生命吗？这是最后一次提示。是，请按4键；否，请按0键。
Lao Li selected 5.
老李按了5。
Noiselessly, the injector came to life. Tianming could see the column of yellowish liquid in the glass tube shorten and then disappear. Lao Li never moved. He closed his eyes and went to sleep.
注射机无声地启动了，云天明可以清楚地看到玻璃管中那段淡黄色液体很快变短，最后消失。这个过程中，老李没有动一下，闭着双眼像安详地入睡了一样。
But Lao Li selected 4.
但老李按了4。
A surge of sorrow made Tianming dizzy, and he almost fainted. Even when his mother died, he didn’t feel such extreme pain and anger. He wanted to scream at Lao Li to select 0, to break the glass window, to suffocate that voice.
一瞬间，一股悲哀的巨浪冲上云天明的脑际，几乎令他昏厥，母亲去世时他都没有感觉到这种极度的悲枪。他想大喊让老李按0，想砸玻璃，想杀了那个声音柔美的女人。
The crowd around Tianming dissipated, but he remained where he was, his hand pressed against the glass. He wasn’t looking at the lifeless body lying within. His eyes were open, but he wasn’t looking at all.
周围的人很快散去，云天明仍一动不动地扶着玻璃站在那里，他并没有看那具已经没有生命的躯体，他眼睛睁着，但哪儿都没看。
Lao Li selected 3.
老李按了3。
Do you wish to terminate your life? For yes, select 5. For no, select 0.
你要结束自己的生命吗？是。请按5键；否，请按0键。
After a while, Dr. Zhang’s hand left Tianming’s shoulder, and Tianming heard his departing footsteps. Tianming never turned around.
张医生的手在云天明肩上放了一小会儿后拿开了，接着听到了他离去时放轻的脚步声。云天明没有回头。
“There was no pain.” Dr. Zhang’s voice was so low that it sounded like the buzzing of a mosquito. Tianming felt a hand land on his left shoulder. “It’s a combination of a massive dose of barbitone, muscle relaxant, and potassium chloride. The barbitone takes effect first and puts the patient into a deep sleep, the muscle relaxant stops his breathing, and the potassium chloride stops the heart. The whole process takes no more than twenty, thirty seconds.”
“没有一点痛苦。”张医生的声音轻轻响起，像飞到耳边的蚊子，同时他感觉到一只手抚上了左肩，“注射药物由大剂量巴比妥、肌肉松弛剂和高浓度氯化钾组成，巴比妥先起作用，使病人处于镇静沉睡状态；肌肉松弛剂使病人停止呼吸，氯化钾使心脏过速停搏，也就二三十秒的事。”
He suddenly remembered how he knew the doctor. “Doctor,” Tianming called out softly. The footsteps stopped. Tianming still didn’t turn around. “You know my sister, don’t you?”
但回想着张医生的长相，突然记起了他是谁。“张大夫，”云天明轻轻叫了一起，脚步声停止了，他仍没有回头，“你认识我姐姐吧？”
Mechanically, Tianming left the main building of the hospital. Everything was clear now. Dr. Zhang was working for his sister; his sister wanted him dead. No, wanted him to “conduct the procedure.”
云天明机械地走出医院的主楼。现在他明白了，张医生在为姐姐办事，姐姐想让他死，哦，想让他安乐。
The reply came after a long pause. “Yes. We were high school classmates. When you were little, I remember seeing you a couple of times.”
好长时间才有回答：“哦，是，高中同学，小时候我还见过你两次呢。”
Although Tianming often recalled the happy childhood he had shared with his sister, they had grown apart as they grew up. There was no overt conflict between them, and neither had hurt the other. But they had come to see each other as completely different kinds of people, and each felt that the other held them in contempt.
云天明常常回忆儿时与姐姐一起玩耍的快乐时光，但长大后姐弟间渐渐疏远了。他们之间并没有什么冲突，谁也没有做过伤害对方的事，但仍不可避免地疏远了，都感觉对方是与自己完全不同的两种人，都感觉对方鄙视自己。
Tianming, on the other hand, was a loner. In career and personal life, he wasn’t any more successful than his sister. He had always lived by himself in dormitories that belonged to his employer, and left the responsibility for taking care of his frail father entirely to his sister.
至于云天明，孤僻离群，事业和生活上也并不比姐姐成功多少，一直一个人在外面住公司的宿舍，把身体不好的父亲全推给姐姐照顾。
His sister was shrewd but not smart, and she had married a man who was the same way. They were not successful in their careers, and even with grown children, the couple couldn’t afford to buy a home. Since her husband’s parents had no room for them, the family had ended up living with Tianming’s father.
姐姐是个精明的人，但不聪明，找了个同样精明却不聪明的姐夫，结果日子过得灰头土脸，孩子都大了也买不起房子，婆家同样没地方住，一直倒插门住在父亲那里。
Tianming suddenly understood his sister’s thinking. The medical insurance was insufficient to cover the expenses for his hospitalization, and the longer it went on, the bigger the bill grew. Their father had been paying for it out of his life savings, but he had never offered to use that same money to help Tianming’s sister and her family to buy a house — a clear case of favoritism. From his sister’s point of view, their father was spending money that should be hers. Besides, the money was being wasted on treatments that could only prolong, but not cure, the illness. If Tianming chose euthanasia, his sister’s inheritance would be preserved, and he would suffer less.
他突然理解了姐姐的想法。自己病了以后，大病保险那点钱根本够，而且这病越往后越花钱，父亲不断地把积蓄拿出来；可姐姐一家买房没钱父亲并没帮忙，这是明显的偏心眼。而现在对姐姐来说。花父亲的钱也就等于花她的钱了，况且这钱都花在没有希望的治疗上，如果他安乐了，姐姐的钱保住了，他也少受几天罪。
Someone was waiting for Tianming when he returned to his hospital room: Hu Wen, a college classmate.
回到病房，云天明发现有人在等他，是大学同学胡文。
He thought of “The Judgment” by Franz Kafka, in which a father curses his son and sentences him to death. The son agrees, as easily as someone agreeing to take out the trash or to shut the door, and leaves the house, runs through the streets onto the bridge, and leaps over the balustrade to his death. Later, Kafka told his biographer that as he wrote the scene, he was thinking of “a violent ejaculation.”
这时，云天明想起了卡夫卡的一篇小说，里面的主人公与父亲发生了口角，父亲随日骂道“你去死吧”，儿子立刻应声说“好，我去死”，就像说“好，我去倒垃圾”或“好，我去关门”一样轻快，然后儿子跑出家门，穿过马路，跑上一座大桥，跳下去死了。卡夫卡后来回忆说，他写到那里时有一种“射精般的快感”。
All right. If you want me to die, I’ll die.
好，你让我死，我就死吧。
Tianming now understood Kafka, the man with the bowler hat and briefcase, the man who walked silently through Prague’s dim streets more than a hundred years ago, the man who was as alone as he was.
现在云天明理解了卡夫卡，理解了那个戴着礼帽夹着公文包、一百多年前沉默地行走在布拉格昏暗的街道上、与自己一样孤僻的男人。
Wen was the closest thing to a friend from Tianming’s college days, but what they had wasn’t friendship, exactly. Wen was one of those people who got along with everyone and who knew everyone’s name; but even for him, Tianming was in the most peripheral ring of his social network. They had had no contact since graduation.
云天明在大学中没有朋友，胡文是与他走得最近的人——这倒不是因为他们之间存在友谊，胡文的性格与云天明正相反，是那种与谁都自来熟的人，交游广阔，云天明肯定是他交际圈最边缘的一个——毕业后他们再没有联系。
The sky was filled with misty, gray clouds, just like in his dream. Looking up at this endless grayness, Tianming let out a long sigh.
天空被灰云所笼罩，正是他那夜梦中的天空，对着这无际的灰色，云天明长长地出了一口气。
Wen didn’t bring a bouquet or anything similar; instead, he brought a cardboard box full of canned beverages.
胡文没带鲜花之类的，而是拿来一箱像饮料的东西。
If she hadn’t taken the initiative, he doubted if he ever would have gotten the courage to speak to her for the rest of their four years in college. At the outing, he had sat by himself, staring at the broad expanse of the Miyun Reservoir outside Beijing. She had sat down next to him and begun talking.
事实上，如果程心在以后的大学四年里都不理他，他可能也未必敢主动找她说话。当时他一个人坐在那里看着密云水库宽阔的水面，程心过来坐下问他平时都喜欢些什么。
Of course Tianming remembered. That was the first time Cheng Xin had ever sat next to him, had ever spoken to him.
云天明当然记得，那是程心第一次坐在他身边，第一次和他说话。
While they talked, she tossed pebbles into the reservoir. Their conversation meandered over usual topics for classmates who were becoming acquainted for the first time, but Tianming could still recall every word. Later, Cheng Xin had made a little origami boat out of a sheet of paper and deposited it on the water. A breeze carried the boat away slowly until it turned into a tiny dot in the distance…
然后他们攀谈起来，并不停地向水中扔小石子，谈的都是刚认识的同学最一般的话题，但云天明至今清晰地记得每一个字。后来，程心叠了一只小纸船放进水中，在微风的吹送下，那只雪白的纸船向远方慢慢驶去，最后变成一个小白点……
After a brief, awkward exchange of greetings, Wen asked a question that surprised Tianming. “Do you remember the outing back when we were first years? That first time we all went out as a group?”
简短的唏嘘之后，胡文突然问了一个让云天明有些吃惊的问题：“你还记得大州时的那次郊游吗？那是大伙第一次一起出去。”
With a start, he wondered if the world in his peaceful dream had been born from this memory.
他突然想到，自己那一夜梦到的小雨中的彼岸世界，是否就来自那段回忆？
That most lovely day of his time in college held a golden glow in his mind. In reality, the weather that day hadn’t been ideal: There was a drizzle, and the surface of the reservoir was filled with ripples, and the pebbles they tossed felt wet in the hand. But from that day on, Tianming fell in love with drizzly days, fell in love with the smell of damp ground and wet pebbles, and from time to time he made origami boats and placed them on his nightstand.
那是他大学生活中最阳光明媚的一天。事实上那天天气并不好，下着蒙蒙细雨，水面上罩着雨纹，他们扔的小石子都湿漉漉的，但从那天起，云天明就爱上了小雨天，爱上了湿地的气息和湿滚媲的小石子，还常常叠一只小纸船放在自己的案头。
Don’t be too pleased with yourself. She’s nice to everyone.
你不要得意，她对谁都挺好的。
But Wen wanted to talk about what had happened later in the outing — events that did not make much of an impression on Tianming. However, with prompts from Wen, Tianming managed to recall those faded memories.
至于胡文说的后来的事，云天明倒是印象不深了，不过经他的提醒还是想了起来。
A few of Cheng Xin’s friends had come by and called her away. Wen then sat down next to Tianming.
后来，几个女孩子把程心叫走了，胡文则过来坐到旁边告诉云天明说。
Of course Tianming knew that. But then Wen saw the bottle of mineral water in Tianming’s hand and the conversation shifted. What in the world are you drinking?!
天明当然知道这点。但这话题没有继续下去，胡文吃惊着云天明手中的矿泉水瓶问他在喝什么。
The water in the bottle was a green color, and bits of grass and leaves floated in it.
那瓶中的水成了绿色，里面还有许多乱七八糟的东西。
He was in a good mood and so he was more loquacious than usual.
由于高兴，那天云天明的话特别多。
I crumpled some weeds and added them to the water. It’s the most organic drink.
云天明说，这是把野草揉碎了放进来，真正的大自然饮料。
Someday I may start a company to produce this drink. It will surely be popular.
他说如果将来有机会，一定会开一家公司生产这饮料，肯定畅销。
It must taste awful.
胡文说天下还有比这更难喝的东西吗？
“Buddy, that conversation changed my life!” Wen said. He opened the cardboard box and took out a can. The outside was deep green, and on it was a picture of a grassland. The trademark was “Green Tempest.”
“老弟，那一次，你改变了我的一生！”胡文拍着云天明的肩膀激动起来，然后打开那个纸箱，取出一罐饮料，包装是纯绿色的，画着一片广阔的草原，商标是“绿色风暴”。
Do you think cigarettes and liquor really taste that good? Even Coca-Cola probably tasted medicinal the first time you tried it. Anything addictive is like that.
云天明反问：酒好喝吗？烟好抽吗？即使是可口可乐，第一次尝也不好喝，让人上瘾的东西都是这样。
Wen pulled the tab and handed the can to Tianming. Tianming took a sip: fragrant, herbal, with a trace of bitterness. He closed his eyes and was back at the shore of the drizzly reservoir, and Cheng Xin was next to him…
胡文打开饮料，云天明尝了一口，一股带着清香的苦涩让他陶醉了，他闭起双眼，仿佛又回到了那细雨中的湖畔又坐在身边……
“This is a special version. The mass market recipe is sweeter,” Wen said.
“这是极端版的，一般市面上的都要加些甜味。”胡文说。
“Does it sell well?”
“这，卖得好吗？”
Tianming stared at Wen, not knowing what to say. Wen had graduated as an aerospace engineer, but now he had turned into a beverage entrepreneur. He was someone who did things, who got things done. Life belonged to people like that. But people like Tianming could only watch life pass them by, abandoned and left behind.
云天明无言地看着胡文，一个由航天发动机专业毕业的生产饮料的企业家，他是行动者，是实干家，生活是属于他这样的人的。至于自己这样的，只能被生活所抛弃。
“Sells great! The main hurdle now is cost. You might think grass is cheap, but until I can scale up, it’s more expensive than fruits or nuts. Also, to make it safe, the ingredients have to be detoxified and processed, a complicated procedure. The prospects are fantastic, though. Lots of investors are interested, and Huiyuan Juice wants to buy my company. Fuck them.”
“很好，现在的问题是生产成本，别以为草便宜，没上规模前，它比苹果核桃什么的都贵；另外，草中有许多有害成分，加工过程也很复杂。不过前景很好，有许多大的投资方都有意向，汇源甚至想买下我的公司，去他妈的。”
“But it’s your idea. Without you, there would be no Green Tempest. If you agree, we’ll just call it even, at least legally. But as a matter of our friendship, I’ll always owe you.”
“但创意是你的，没有你就没有‘绿色风暴’如果你同意，有这笔钱我们在法律上就两清了，但在情谊上可没两清，我永远欠你的。”
“I owe you,” Wen said. He handed three credit cards and a slip of paper to Tianming, looked around, leaned in, and whispered, “There’s three million yuan in the account. The password is on the note.”
“老弟，我欠你的。”胡文说着，把三张信用卡和一张纸条塞到云天明手中，看看周围后在他耳边低声说，“里而有三百万，密码在这儿写着。”
“I never applied for a patent or anything like that,” Tianming said.
“我没申请过专利。”云天明淡淡地说。
Tianming said no more. For him, the sum was astronomical, but he wasn’t excited. Money wasn’t going to save him.
云天明没有再推辞，收下了这笔对他来说堪称巨款的钱，但没有太多的兴奋，因为他清楚，现在钱已经救不了自己的命了。
“You have to accept it. I know you need money.”
“必须收下，你现在需要前。”
Still, hope was a stubborn creature. After Hu Wen left, Tianming asked for a consultation with a doctor. He didn’t want Dr. Zhang; instead, after much effort, he got the assistant director of the hospital, a famous oncologist. “If money were no issue, would there be a cure for me?”
不过他还是抱着一线希望，胡文走后，他立刻去咨询，但没有找张医生，而是费了很大周折找到了副院长，国内着名的肿瘤专家，径直问他如果有足够的钱，自己的病有没有治好的希望。
“You don’t owe me anything, legally or otherwise.”
“在法律上你也没欠我的。”
The old doctor brought up Tianming’s case file on his computer, and after a while, he shook his head.
在电脑上调出云天明的病历看过后，老医生轻轻摇摇头。
“The cancer has spread from your lungs throughout your body. Surgery is pointless; all you have are chemo and radiation, conservative techniques. Even with money…
告诉他癌细胞已经从肺部扩散到全身，已不能手术，只能做化疗和放疗这类保守治疗，不是钱的问题。
The last bit of hope died in Tianming, and his heart was at peace. That afternoon, he filled out an application for euthanasia.
云天明的心彻底凉下来，也彻底平静了，当天下午他就递交了安乐死申请。
“Young man, remember the saying: A physician can only cure diseases meant to be cured; the Buddha can only save those meant to be saved.”
“年轻人，医治不死病，佛度有缘人。”
He handed the application to his attending physician, Dr. Zhang. Zhang seemed to suffer some internal, moral conflict, and did not meet Tianming’s gaze. He did say to Tianming that he might as well stop the chemo sessions; there was no point for him to continue to suffer.
申请交给他的主治张医生，后者似乎深陷在内疚中，不敢正视他的眼睛，只是说先把化疗停了吧，没必要受那个罪了。
The only matter that Tianming still had to take care of was deciding how to spend the money from Wen. The “right” thing to do would have been to give it to his father, and then let him distribute it to the rest of the family. But that was the same as handing the money to his sister, and Tianming didn’t want to do that. He was already going to die, just as she wanted; he didn’t feel he owed her any more.
现在剩下的唯一一件事，就是如何花那笔钱。按常理说应该给父亲，再由他分给该给的亲人，但那也就等于给姐姐了。云天明不想这样做，他已按她的心愿去死了，感觉已不欠她什么。
He tried to see if he had any unfulfilled dreams. It would be nice to take a trip around the world on some luxury cruise ship… but his body wasn’t up for it, and he didn’t have much time left. That was too bad. He would have liked to lie on a sun-drenched deck and review his life as he gazed at the hypnotic sea. Or he could step onto the shores of some strange country on a drizzly day, sit next to a little lake and toss wet pebbles onto a surface full of ripples…
那就想想自己的梦想是什么。坐“伊丽莎白”号那样的豪华游艇环球航行很不错，这些钱应该够，但身体条件不允许，他可能也没那么多时间了。真是很遗憾，如果行，他本可以躺在阳光下的甲板上，看着大海回顾一生，或在某个细雨蒙蒙的日子登上某个陌生国度的海岸，坐在某个小湖边向布满雨纹的水面扔湿挽流的石子……
The twelfth session of the UN Planetary Defense Council has adopted Resolution 479, initiating the Stars Our Destination Project. A committee formed from the UN Development Program, the UN Committee on Natural Resources, and UNESCO is authorized to implement the project immediately.
在联合国本届行星防御理事会第12次会议上，第479号提案获得通过，群星计划正式启动，届时，将授权联合国开发计划署、自然资源委员会和教科文组织组成的群星计划委员会在全球实施该计划。
Tianming got up and told his nurse that he wanted to take a walk. But as it was already after lights out, the nurse refused to let him leave. He returned to his dark room, pulled open the curtains, and lifted the window. The new patient in Lao Li’s old bed grumbled.
云天明心里一动，披衣考出病房，又寸护士说想出去散散步，由于已到熄灯时间，护士没让他去。他回到已熄灯的病房，拉开窗帘打开窗，原来老李床上新来的病人不满地咕哝了几声。
That night, Tianming saw a news report on TV:
晚上，云天明在电视中看到一则新闻：
Tianming looked out. The lights of the city cast a haze over the night sky, but it was still possible to pick out a few silvery specks. He knew what he wanted to do with his money: He was going to buy Cheng Xin a star.
云天明抬头看去使得夜空一片迷蒙，但他还是看到了夜幕上那些银色的亮点用那笔钱干什么了。他要送给程心一颗星星。
Once again, he was thinking of Cheng Xin. These days, he thought of her more and more.
又往程心那方面想了，这一阵子他想到她的时间越来越多。
The official Chinese website for the Stars Our Destination Project begins operation this afternoon. According to an official at the UNDP resident representative office in Beijing, the Project will accept bids from individuals and enterprises, but will not consider bids from non-governmental organizations…
今天上午，群星计划中国网站正式开通，标志着该计划在国内的启动。据联合国开发计划署北京常驻代表处官员称，该计划在中国将面向企业和个人，但不接受社会团体的投拍……
It was commonly thought that Infantilism was a response to an unprecedented threat to the entirety of civilization. That might have been true for individuals, but it was too simple an explanation when applied to humanity as a whole.
人们一般认为，幼稚症是前所未有的对文明整体的威胁突然到来所致；对个体来说可能是这样，但对人类社会的整体，事情就可能没有这么简单。
Excerpt from A Past Outside of Time, Infantilism at the Start of the Crisis
摘自《时间之外的往事》群星计划——危机之初的幼稚症
Many of the events during the first twenty years of the Crisis Era were incomprehensible to those who came before and those who came after; historians summarized them under the heading of “Crisis Infantilism.”
在危机纪元头二十年里人类社会发生的一些事情，在之前和之后的人们看来都是很难理解的，历史学家把它称为危机幼稚症。
The Trisolar Crisis’s impact on society was far deeper than people had imagined at first. To give some imperfect analogies: In terms of biology, it was equivalent to the moment when the ancestors of mammals climbed from the ocean onto land; in terms of religion, it was akin to when Adam and Eve were banished from Eden; in terms of history and sociology… there are no suitable analogies, even imperfect ones. Compared to the Trisolar Crisis, everything heretofore experienced by human civilization was nothing. The Crisis shook the very foundation of culture, politics, religion, and economics. Although the impact reached the deepest core of civilization, its influence manifested most quickly at the surface. The root cause for Crisis Infantilism may well be found in the interaction between these manifestations and the tremendous inertia of human society’s inherent conservatism.
三体危机带来的文化冲击，其影响之深远也远超过人们当初的想象。如果为其寻找一个类比，在生物学上，相当于哺乳动物的远祖从海中爬上陆地；在宗教上，相当于亚当和夏娃被逐出伊甸园；而在历史和社会学上，根本找不到类比，人类文明所经历的一切与这一事件相比都微不足道。事实上、这一事件时昧上动摇了人类社会的文化、政治、宗教和经济的根基。这一冲击直达文明的最深层，其影响却很快浮上表面，与人类社会巨大的惯性相互作用，这可能是产生幼稚症的根本原因。
There were two main motivations for the Stars Our Destination Project: first, to increase the power of the UN at the beginning of the Crisis; second, the genesis and popularity of Escapism.
群星计划的动因主要有两个，一是危机初期试图提升联合国地位的努力，二是逃亡主义的出现和盛行。
The classic examples of Crisis Infantilism were the Wallfacer Project and the Stars Our Destination Project, both international efforts within the framework of the United Nations — initiatives that soon became incomprehensible to anyone from outside that period. The Wallfacer Project changed history, and its influence so permeated the course of civilization that it must be discussed in another chapter. The same elements that led to the birth of the grand Wallfacer Project simultaneously conceived the Stars Our Destination Project. That project, on the other hand, quickly faded away after launch and was never heard from again.
幼稚症的典型例子就是面壁计划和群星计划，都足当时国际社会通过联合国框架做出的，在其他历史时期的人们看来不可思议的举动。前者已改变了历史，其影响深入以后的整个文明史，将在另外的章节论述；后者则在出现不久便销声匿迹，很快被遗忘。
The Trisolar Crisis was the first time that all of humanity faced a common enemy, and it was only natural that many placed their hopes in the UN. Even conservatives agreed that the UN ought to be completely reformed and given more power and more resources. Radicals and idealists pushed for an Earth Union and for making the UN into a world government.
三体危机的出现，使全人类第一次面对一个共同的敌人，对联合国的期望自然提高了。即使是保守派也认为，联合国应该进行彻底的改革并被赋予更高的权力和支配更多的资源，激进派和理想主义者则鼓吹成立地球联邦，联合国成为世界政府。
Smaller countries, in particular, favored elevating the status of the UN because they saw the Crisis as an opportunity to get more technological and economic aid. The great powers, on the other hand, responded to this coolly. In actuality, the great powers all invested heavily in space defense after the Crisis. In part, this was because they realized that contribution to space defense would become the foundation for national strength and political status in future international relations; it was also because they had always wanted to invest in such large-scale basic research, but the domestic demands of their citizenry and constraints imposed by international politics had made such efforts impractical in the past. In a sense, the Trisolar Crisis provided the leaders of the great powers with an opportunity similar to the opportunity given to Kennedy by the Cold War — similar, but a couple of orders of magnitude greater. While all the great powers were reluctant to place their efforts under the aegis of the United Nations, due to the rising tide of calls for true globalization, they were forced to cede to the UN some symbolic, political commitments that they had no intention of honoring. The common space defense system advocated by the UN, for example, received little substantive support from the great powers.
中小国家更热衷于联合国地位的提升，危机在他们眼中是一个从大国获得技术和经济援助的机会；而大国则对此反应冷淡。事实上在危机出现后，大国都很快在太空防御的基础研究上进行了巨大的投入，一方面因为他们意识到，太空防御是未来国际政治的重要领域，在其中的作为将直接关系到国家实力和政治地位的基础；另一方面，这些大型基础研究是早就想做的，只是由于国计民生和国际政治的限制而一直做不了。现在，三体危机对于大国政治家们来说，就相当于当年的冷战对于肯尼迪，但这个机会比那次要大百倍。不过各大国都拒绝把这些努力纳入联合国的框架。由于国际社会日益高涨的世界大同热，他们不得不给联合国开出了许多空头的政治支票，但对其倡导的共同太空防御体系却投入很少。
The basis for the project lay in the Space Convention, which was a product of pre-Crisis politics. Based on the principles enacted in the Law of the Sea Convention and the Antarctic Treaty, the Space Convention was negotiated and drafted over a long period of time. But the pre-Crisis Space Convention was limited to resources within the Kuiper Belt; the Trisolar Crisis forced the nations of the world to set their sights farther out.
群星计划的国际法基础是《太空法公约》，这并不是三体危机的产物，危机到来前，该条约就经历了漫长的起草和谈判过程，主要参考了《海洋法公约》和《南极条约》的框架。但危机到来前的《太空法公约》限定的范围是柯伊伯带之内的太阳系资源，由于三体危机的出现，不得不考虑外太空。
In the history of the early Crisis Era, UN Secretary General Say was a key figure. She believed that the time for a new UN had arrived and advocated transforming the institution from what was little more than a meeting place for the great powers and an international forum, into an independent political body with the power to genuinely direct the construction of the Solar System’s defenses.
在危机初期的联合国历史上，时任秘书长萨伊是一个关键人物。她认为创造联合国新纪元的机会已经到来，主张改变联合国的大国联席会议和国际论坛的性质，使其成为一个独立的政治实体，并拥有对太阳系。防御体系建设的实质性领导权。
To achieve this goal, the UN needed sufficient resources, a requirement that appeared impossible to meet given the realities of international relations. The Stars Our Destination Project was an attempt by Say to acquire such resources for the UN. No matter the results, the very attempt was a testament to her political intelligence and imagination.
联合国要实现这个目标，首先要有能自主支配的足够资源作为基础，这一点在当时几乎不可能实现。群星计划就是萨伊为此做出的努力之一，不管结果如何，这一举动充分显示了她的政治智慧和想象力。
Since humans had not even been able to set foot on Mars, any discussion of outer space was meaningless, at least prior to the expiration date of the Space Convention fifty years after it was drafted. But the great powers viewed the Convention as the perfect venue for political theater and amended it with provisions regarding resources outside the Solar System. The amendment provided that the development of natural resources outside the Kuiper Belt, and other economic activities regarding them, had to take place under the auspices of the United Nations. The amendment went into excruciating detail to define “natural resources,” but, basically, the phrase referred to resources not already occupied by nonhuman civilizations. This treaty also offered the first international law definition for “civilization.” Historically, this document was referred to as the Crisis Amendment.
但限于人类尚未登上火星的技术水平，在本条约到期前（五十年期限），太阳系外的资源毫无现实意义。各大国发现，这倒很适合作为给国的一张空头支票，就在条约牛附加了一条有关太阳系之外的资源的条款，规定涉及柯伊伯带以外的自然资源（关于自然资源一词的含义，条约附件进行了冗长的定义，主要是指没有被人类之外的文明占据的资源，这个定义中也首次给出了“文明”一词的国际法定义）的开发和其他经济行为，必须在联合国框架内进行，历一史上称这一条款为“危机附加款。”
The second motivation for the Stars Our Destination Project was Escapism. At the time, the Escapist movement was still in its early stages, and its consequences were not yet apparent, such that many still considered it a valid choice for humanity in crisis. Under such conditions, other stars, especially stars with their own planets, became valuable.
群星计划的第二个动因是逃一亡主义。当时逃亡弃义初露端倪，其后果还没有显现，仍淑为人类一面对危机的一个最终选择。在这种情况下，太阳系外恒星，特别是带有类地行星的恒星的价值便显现出来。
This unusual UN resolution attracted wide interest and attention. The permanent members of the Planetary Defense Council (PDC) mulled it over, but each decided that adopting it would not lead to adverse consequences in the foreseeable future. On the other hand, voting against it would incur a heavy cost under the prevailing international political climate. Still, debates and compromises followed, and the final version of the resolution that passed was limited to stars more than one hundred light-years away.
这一奇特的提案当时引起了广泛的关注，PDC（行星防御理事会）各常任理事国发现，虽然有些不可思议，但在可预见的未来，通过这一提案对自己似乎并没有什么不利的后果；相反，如果否决它，在当时的政治环境下却肯定有麻烦。尽管如此，经过多次争论和妥协，还是把拍卖恒星的范围从柯伊伯带以外外推到了100光年以外，然后提案通过了。
The initial resolution proposing the Stars Our Destination Project would have the UN auction off the rights to certain stars and their planets. The intended bidders were states, businesses, NGOs, and individuals, and the proceeds from the auction would be used to fund the UN’s basic research into a Solar System defense system. Secretary General Say explained that the universe had an abundance of stars. There were more than three hundred thousand stars within one hundred light-years of the Solar System, and more than ten million within one thousand light-years. A conservative estimate suggested that at least one-tenth of these stars had planets. Auctioning off a small proportion of these would not affect the future of space development much.
群星计划的最初提案，是提议由联合国主持拍卖太阳系外的部分恒星和其所带行星的所有权，拍卖对象是国家、企业、社会团体和个人，所得款项用于联合国对太阳系共同防御体系的基础研究。萨伊解释说：恒星的资源其实是极其丰富的，距太阳系100光年内的恒星就有三十多万颗，1000光年内有上千万颗，保守佑计，这里面至少有十分之一的恒星带有行星。拍卖其中的一小部分，对未来的宇宙开发不会有什么影响。
The project was halted almost as soon as it began for a simple reason: No one bought the stars. In total, only seventeen stars were auctioned off, and all at the minimum reserve price. The UN earned a grand total of only about forty million dollars.
群星计划一开始便结束了，原因很简单：恒星卖不出去。总共只卖出十七颗恒星，全是以底价卖出，联合国只赚到四千多万美元。
None of the winning bidders ever revealed themselves. People speculated on why they spent so much money to buy a piece of useless paper — even if the paper was supposed to be a binding legal instrument. Maybe it felt cool to own another world, but what was the point when you could see but not touch it? Indeed, some of the stars were not even visible with the naked eye.
买家全部没露面，典论纷纷猜测他们花那么多钱买一张废纸干什么用，尽管这张纸具有坚实的法律效力。也许拥有另一个世界的感觉很酷，尽管它永远是可望不可及（原书为“即”，错别字！）（有些用肉眼连望都望不到）。
Say never thought of the project as a failure. She claimed that the results were just as she predicted. Fundamentally, the Stars Our Destination Project was a political proclamation by the UN.
萨伊并不认为计划是失败的，她称结果在预料之中，群星计划在本质上其实是联合国的一个政治宣言。
The day after making his decision to buy Cheng Xin a star, Yun Tianming called the number listed on the website for the Chinese office of the Stars Our Destination Project.
按照网站上的地址，云天明给群星计划在国内的代办处打了电话。
危机纪元4年,云天明
Crisis Era， Year 4， Yun Tianming
The Stars Our Destination Project was quickly forgotten. It was a classic example of the irregular behavior of human society at the beginning of the Crisis.
群星计划很快被遗忘，它的出现是危机之初人类社会非正常行为方式的一个典型例子。催生群星计划的那些因素，几乎是在同时，也催生了伟大的面壁计划。
“Don’t worry. I won’t ask her directly.”
“放心，我不是直接问她本人。”
Then he called Hu Wen to get some basic information about Cheng Xin: contact address, national ID number, and so forth. He was prepared for any number of reactions from Wen in response to his request — sarcasm, pity, exclamation. Instead, after a long silence, all he heard was a soft sigh.
然后就给胡文打电话，请他了解一下程心的一些个人资料，比如通信地址、身份证号码等等。他预想了胡文对这个要求可能会说的各种话，讥讽的、怜悯的、感叹的，但对方没说什么，只是在长长的沉默后发出一声轻轻的叹息。
The next day, Tianming got a text from Wen with all the information he had asked for, but nothing about Cheng Xin’s employment. Wen explained that no one knew where Cheng Xin had gone after she left the Academy of Spaceflight Technology last year. Tianming saw that there were two mailing addresses for her: one in Shanghai and another in New York.
第二天，云天明就收到了胡文的短信，上面有他要的程心的大部分个人资料，但没有工作单位。胡文说，去年程心从航天技术研究院调走后，谁都不知道她现在在哪里工作。云天明注意到，程心的通信地址有两个，一个在上海，一个在纽约。
Tianming took a taxi and arrived at UNESCO’s Beijing office. After the Crisis, every UN office in Beijing had expanded rapidly, and UNESCO now took up most of an office building outside of the Fourth Ring Road.
云天明打出租车来到联合国教科文组织驻京办事处。危机出现后，联合国驻京机构的规模都急剧扩大，教科文办事处占了四环外一幢写字楼的大部分。
“No problem,” Wen said. “But she’s probably not in China right now.”
“好的，她最近可能不在国内。”胡文说。
“Just don’t tell her I’m the one asking.”
“别说是我打听的。”
That afternoon, Tianming asked Dr. Zhang to give him permission to leave the hospital and run an errand. The doctor wanted to come with Tianming, but he insisted on going alone.
下午，云天明向张医生请求外出，说有一件必须办的事，张医生坚持要陪他去，云天明谢绝了。
A giant star map greeted Tianming as he entered the spacious office of the Stars Our Destination Project. Silver lines connected the stars in constellations against a pitch-black background. Tianming saw that the map was displayed on a high-definition screen, and a computer nearby allowed for zooming and searching. The office was empty except for a receptionist.
群星计划代办处有一个很大的房间，云天明进去时迎面看到一幅巨大的星图，连接星座的错综复杂的银线显示在天鹅绒般纯黑的背景上。后来他发现星图是显示在一块大液晶屏上的，来自一台电脑，可以局部放大和检索。房间里空荡荡的，只有一个负责日常接待的漂亮女孩。
Tianming introduced himself, and the receptionist excitedly went away and returned with a blond woman.
云天明介绍过自己后，那女孩立刻兴高采烈地跑出去领来了一位金发女士。
“This is the director of UNESCO Beijing,” the receptionist explained. “And also one of the people responsible for implementing the Stars Our Destination Project in the Asia-Pacific region.”
女孩介绍说，这位女士是教科文中国办事处主任，也是亚太区域群星计划的负责人之一。
The director appeared very pleased to see Tianming as well. She held Tianming’s hand and told him, in fluent Chinese, that he was the first Chinese individual to express an interest in buying a star. She would have preferred a ceremony to generate as much media coverage as possible, but she refrained out of respect for his wish for privacy. She seemed quite sorry to lose out on a wonderful opportunity to publicize the project.
主任也显得很高兴，握住云天明的手用流利的汉语说，他是国内第一位有意向购买恒星的人士，本来应该联系大批媒体采访并举行一个仪式的，但还是尊重他的保密和过程从简的要求——真的很遗憾，这本来是一个宣传和推广群星计划的好机会。
“Are you feeling all right?” he asked Tianming.
“你感觉还好吗？”关切地问天明的身体状况。
A middle-aged, well-dressed man wearing glasses came in. The director introduced him as Dr. He, a researcher at the Beijing Observatory. The astronomer would help Tianming with the details of his purchase. After the director left, Dr. He asked Tianming to sit down, and called for tea to be served.
云天明暗想，差点把这话说出来。接着进来一位戴着眼镜、西装革履的中年男士，主任介绍说他是北京天文台的研究员何博士，负责恒星拍卖的具体事务。主任告辞后，何博士首先请云天明坐下，吩咐接待女孩给他倒上茶。
Don’t worry, Tianming thought. No other Chinese will be as dumb as me.
放心，中国不会再有人像我这么傻了。
Tianming knew that he didn’t exactly look healthy. But after stopping chemo — which had been like undergoing torture — he felt much better, almost as if he’d gotten a new lease on life. Ignoring Dr. He’s question, he repeated the request he had already made on the phone.
云天明的脸色当然不像健康人的，但自从那酷刑般的化疗停止以后，他感觉好多了，竟有获得新生的错觉。他没有理会博士的问候，立刻重复了电话中的问题：
“I want to buy a star as a gift. The title to the star should be registered under the name of the recipient. I won’t provide any personal information about myself, and I want my identity kept secret from her.”
自己要购买的恒星是作为赠品，所有权应归于受曾者名下，他不会提自己的任何资料，也希望对受赠者绝对保密。
“No problem at all. Do you have an idea of what kind of star you want to buy?”
何博士说没有问题，然后问云天明有意购买什么类型的恒星。
“As close to Earth as possible. One with planets. Ideally, Earthlike planets,” Tianming said as he gazed at the star map.
“尽量近一些，带有行星，最好是类地行星。”云天明看着星图说。
“How far away is it?”
“它有多远？”
Dr. He shook his head. “Based on the figure you gave me, that’s impossible. The starting prices for stars meeting those criteria are much too high. You can only buy a star without planets, and it won’t be very close. Let me tell you something: The amount of money you are offering is too low even for bare stars. But after your call yesterday, in consideration of the fact that you’re the first person in China to express an interest, we decided to lower the starting bid on one of the stars to what you offered.” He moved the mouse to magnify a region of the star map. “It’s this one. Say yes and it’s yours.”
何博士摇摇头，“从您提供的资金数额来看不可能，这些恒星的拍卖底价都远高于那个数额。您只能买一颗不带行星的裸星，且距离也不能太近。实话跟您说吧，即使这样，您的资金数额也低于底价。昨夭接电话后，考虑到您是国内第一位投拍者，我们就把一颗恒星的底价降低到了您提出的这个金额。”他移动鼠标，把星图的一个区域放大，“看，就是这，一颗，它的报价期已经多次延长，所以您只要确定购买，它就是您的了。”
“That’s too far.”
“太远了。”
Tianming thought about it. The astronomer was right. It made no difference.
云天明默认了这句话。确实没多大区别。
“It’s about two hundred eighty-six point five light-years from here.”
“距太阳系286.5光年。”
Dr. He laughed. “I can tell you’re not completely ignorant about astronomy. Think about it: Does it really make a difference if it’s two hundred eighty-six light-years or two hundred eighty-six billion light-years?”
何博士摇头笑笑，“先生，看得出您对天文学并不外行。那您想想，对我们来说，286光年和286亿光年有多大区别？”
“There’s a very big advantage to this star,” Dr. He said. “It’s visible with the naked eye. In my opinion, aesthetics matters the most when you’re buying a star. It’s much better to possess a faraway star that you can see than a nearby star that you can’t. It’s much better to own a bare star that you can see than a star with planets that you can’t. In the end, all we can do is look at it. Am I right?”
“但这颗星有一个最大的优点：能看见。其实我觉得，买恒星主要看外观，距离啊带不带行星啊什么的都不重要，能看见的远星要比不可见近星好得多，能看见的裸星要比不可见的带行星的好得多，说到底，我们不也只能看嘛。”
The director declared that the title to DX3906 was now vested in Cheng Xin, and she presented Tianming with an expensive-looking black leather folder.
主任宣布受赠者程心对DX3906的所有权正式生效，接着，她用双手把一个外形高贵的黑色真皮文件夹递给云天明。
“What’s it called?”
“它叫什么？”
Tianming nodded. Cheng Xin can see the star. That’s good.
云天明对博士点点头，程心能香到那颗星，那很好。
“The star was first cataloged by Tycho Brahe hundreds of years ago, but it never acquired a common name. All it has is a number.” Dr. He moved the mouse pointer over the glowing dot, and a string of letters and numbers appeared next to it: DX3906. Then, patiently, the astronomer explained to Tianming the meaning of the numbers and letters, the star’s type, absolute and apparent magnitudes, location in the main sequence, and so on.
“这颗星在几百年前第谷的星表上就有，但没有世俗的名字，只有天文编号。”何博士把鼠标指针放到那个亮点上，旁边立刻显示出一长串字符：DX3906。何阵士耐心地向他解释名称的含义，包括恒星的类型、绝对和相对视星等、在主星序的位置等等。
The paperwork for the purchase didn’t take long. Two notaries worked with Dr. He to make sure everything was proper. Then the director appeared again, along with two officials from the UN Development Program and the UN Committee on Natural Resources. The receptionist brought a bottle of champagne and everyone celebrated.
购买手续很快办完了，何博士又叫来两名公证员办理了公证手续。女主任出现了，同来的还有联合国开发计划署和自然资源委员会的两位官员。那个女孩端来一盘香槟酒。大家庆贺一番。
After the officials left, Dr. He turned to Tianming. “Don’t answer me if you aren’t comfortable, but I’m guessing you bought the star for a girl?”
官员们走后，何博士对云天明说：“我只是问问，您可以不回答：如果没猜错，这颗星星是送给一位女孩的？”
“Your star.”
“您的星星。”
Dr. He looked rather embarrassed. In fact, he was worried that she was going to blurt out his opinion of the Stars Our Destination Project: This trick the UN is pulling was already tried by a bunch of scammers more than ten years ago. Back then they sold land on the moon and Mars. It would be a miracle if anyone falls for it again!
女孩说到这里，何博士有些恐硫，想制止女孩把他曾经对群星计划的刻薄评论说出来。当时他说，联合国这一套把戏十年前一帮江湖骗子就玩过了，只不过他们卖的是月球和火星，这次再有人上当那真是奇迹。
Tianming hesitated for a moment, but then nodded.
云天明犹豫了一下，点点头。
“Lucky girl!” Dr. He sighed. “It’s nice to be rich.”
“幸运的女孩！”何博士也点点头，然后感叹道，“有钱真好。”
Fortunately, the receptionist went on in a different vein. “This isn’t just about money. It’s about romance. Romance! Do you even understand?”
好在女孩没有说那些，“这不止是钱，还得有浪漫，浪漫！你懂吗？”
Throughout Tianming’s purchasing process, the young woman had stolen glances at him from time to time, as though he were a figure from a fairy tale. Her expression had at first been curious, then awed and admiring. Finally, as the leather folder containing the deed to the star was handed over, her face filled with envy.
在整个过程中。这个女孩一直以看神话人物的眼光偷偷打量云天明，脸上的表情也随时间不断变化：开始是好奇，后来是敬畏和景仰，最后，盯着那个装有恒星所有权证书的华贵皮夹时，她脸上只有赤裸裸的嫉妒了。
“Oh, please!” said the receptionist. She stuck her tongue out at Dr. He. “Rich? Even if you had thirty billion yuan, would you buy a star for your girlfriend? Ha! I haven’t forgotten what you said two days ago.”
“得了吧您哪，”一直没多说话的接待女孩冲何博士叶了吐舌头，“有钱？何老师就你，就是有三百亿，肯送女朋友一颗星星？，哈，别忘了你前两天说的那些话。”
Dr. He tried to change the subject. “We’ll send the formal documents to the recipient as soon as possible. Based on your instructions, we won’t reveal any information about you. Well, even if we wanted to, we can’t — look, I don’t even know your name!” He stood up and looked out the window. It was already dark. “Next, I can bring you to see your star — sorry, I meant the star you bought for her.”
何博士对云天明说：“证书将尽快寄给受赠人，用的是这里的地址。按您的吩咐，我们不会透露购买者的任何信息，其实也没什么可透露的，我们对您一无所知。到现在。我不是连您的贵姓都不知道吗？”他站起身来，看看窗外，天已经黑下来了，“下面，我带您去看看您的星星……哦不，您送给她的星星。”
“Can we see it from the top of the building?”
“在楼顶看吗？”
“You see the Big Dipper? Imagine a diagonal across the quadrilateral formed by the four stars, and extend it. That’s right, in that direction. Can you see those three stars that form a flat triangle? Draw a line from the apex, perpendicular to the base, and keep extending it. Can you see it? Right there. That’s your star — the star you gave her.”
“知道北斗七星吧，沿那个四边形的一条对角线看，就是那个方向，有三颗星构成一个很钝的三角，从那个钝角的顶点向底边做垂线，向下延伸，就我指的那个方向，看到了吗？你的星星，你送她的星星。”
“No. There’s too much light pollution inside the city. We have to go far into the suburbs. If you aren’t feeling well, we can pick another day.”
“市内不可能看到，我们得去远郊‘如果您不舒服，我们就改天去？”
They drove for more than two hours, until the glowing sea that was Beijing was far behind them. To avoid the lamps of passing cars, Dr. He drove off the road into a field. Then he turned off the headlights and they got out of the car. In the late-autumn sky, the stars were especially bright.
何博士带着云天明驱车两个多小时，把城市的灯海远远抛在后面，为了避免车灯的干扰，他又把车开到远离公路的田野间。车灯熄灭后，两人走下车，深秋的夜空中，星海很清澈。
“Let’s go now. I really want to see it.”
“不，这就去，我真的想看看那颗星星。”
With Dr. He’s help, Tianming finally saw DX3906. It was very faint, and he had to find it again it each time his attention wavered. Although people commonly thought of the stars as silvery, careful observation revealed that they each had different colors. DX3906 was dark red.
在何博士的帮助下，云天明终于看到了DX3906，很暗的一个点，似有似无，稍一疏忽就会从视野里丢失。一般人都认为星星是银色的，其实仔细观察会发现它们各自有不同的颜色，DX3906呈一种暗红色。
Tianming pointed to two stars in succession, but Dr. He said neither was right. “It’s between those two, but a bit to the south. The apparent magnitude is five point five. Normally, you have to be trained to find it. But the weather tonight is ideal, so you should be able to see it. Try this: Don’t look for it directly; move your gaze a bit to the side. Your peripheral vision tends to be more sensitive to faint light. After you find it, then you can move your gaze back…”
云天明指认了两颗星，何博士都说不是，“是在它们中间向南方偏一点，那颗星的视星等是5.5，一般只有受过训练的观察者才能看到，不过今天天气很好，你应该能看到。告诉你一个方法：不要正眼盯着那里，把视线移开些用眼角看，眼角对弱光的感受力更灵敏些，找到后再正眼看……”
Dr. He promised to give him some materials to help Tianming find the star in different seasons.
何博士告诉他，那颗星只是在这个时节才处于这个位置，等会儿他会给云天明一份在不同季节观察DX3906的详细资料。
“I don’t think I’d call myself fortunate. I’m about to die.” Tianming looked at Dr. He for a moment, then he looked back into the sky and found DX3906 easily.
“我不幸运，我快死了。”云天明说，同时把视线移开，向和博士的方向看了一眼，然后把视线又投向夜空，居然很轻易地找到了DX3906。
“You are lucky, as lucky as the girl who received your gift,” said Dr. He.
“你很幸运，和你赠与星星的那个女孩一样幸运。”何博士在浓重的夜色中说道
He wanted to note something special about it, but there was nothing. He woke up at seven, as usual; a shaft of sunlight fell against its habitual spot on the wall; the weather was not great, but also not too bad; the sky was the same grayish blue; the oak tree in front of the window was bare (instead of, say, hanging on to a lone, symbolic leaf). Even his breakfast was the same.
他本想看出些特别之处，但没有。他像往常一样在早上七点醒来，一束与往常一样的阳光投在对面墙上往常那个位置。窗外，天气不好也不坏，天空像往常一样的灰蓝。窗前有一棵橡树，叶子都掉光了，连最后一片也没有留下。今天甚至早餐都像往常一样。
What will her life be like? Maybe she’ll remember that in the sea of stars, there’s one that belongs to her.
她将度过怎样的一生呢？但愿她能记得，茫茫星海中，有一颗星星是属于她的。
The smoke from Dr. He’s cigarette drifted before his eyes, and the faint star flickered through the veil. By the time she sees it, I’ll be gone from this world.
何博士吐出的烟雾飘过云天明面前，使那颗黯淡的星星闪动起来。云天明想，当程心看到这颗星时，自己已不在人世了。
Dr. He seemed unsurprised by this revelation. He lit a cigarette and smoked it in silence. After a while, he said, “Even so, I think you’re blessed. Most people don’t cast a glance at the universe beyond the world we live in until the day they die.”
云天明发现何博士似乎对自己的话并没感到吃惊，只是默默地点了一支烟，也许，他已经察觉到了什么。沉默许久后，他说：“真那样的话，你仍然很幸运，大多数人，到死都没向尘世之外瞥一眼。”
This would be Tianming’s last day.
这是云天明的最后一天了。
Of course, the star he saw and the star she would see were only an image from 286 years ago. The faint beam of light had to cross three centuries to meet their retinas. Another 286 years would have to pass before the light from the star at this moment would reach the Earth. By then, Cheng Xin would long have turned to dust.
其实，他和程心看到的这颗星星，是它在二百八十六年前的样子，这束微弱的光线在太空中行走了近三个世纪才接触到他们的视网膜，而它现在发出的光线，要二百八十六年后才能到达地球，那时程心也不在人世了。
At ten, he walked into the euthanasia room by himself, as calmly as if he were headed to his daily examination. He was the fourth person in the city to conduct the procedure, so there wasn’t much media interest. Only five people were in the room: two notaries, a director, a nurse, and an executive from the hospital. Dr. Zhang wasn’t there.
十点整，按约定的时间，他一个人走进了安乐室，像往常每天去做检查一样平静。他是本市第四个安乐的，所以没引起什么关注，安乐室中只有五个人，其中两位是公证人，一位是指导，一名护士，还有一个医院领导，张医生没来。
He could go in peace.
看来自己可以清静地走了。
Pursuant to his request, the room was undecorated. All around him were the plain white walls of a normal hospital room. He felt comfortable.
按他的吩咐，安乐室没有做任何装饰布置，只是一间四壁洁白的普通病房，这也让他感觉很舒适。
Like Lao Li, Tianming didn’t inform his family of his decision. He did try to write a note that could be given to his father after his procedure, but he gave up because he couldn’t think of what to say.
像老李一样，云天明没把安乐的事告诉家人，他本想给父亲留封信，但无话可说，终于作罢。
This was a day like any other day in his life of twenty-eight years, eleven months, and six days.
这一天，与已过去的二十八年十一个月零六天一样。真的没什么特别。
He explained to the director that he was familiar with the procedure and did not need him. The director nodded and went to the other side of the glass wall. The notaries finished their business with him, then left him alone with the nurse. The nurse no longer showed the anxiety and fear that she had had to overcome the first time. As she pierced his vein with the needle, her motion was steady and gentle. Tianming felt a strange bond with the nurse: after all, she was the last person who would be with him in this world. He wished he knew who had delivered him when he was born twenty-nine years ago. That delivery doctor and this nurse belonged to the small number of people who had genuinely tried to help him during his life. He wanted to thank them. “Thank you.”
他对指导说，自己知道操作程序，不需要他了，后者点点头，留在了玻璃屏的另一边。在进行安乐的这一边，公证人离开后，只有他和护士了。护士很漂亮，已没有第一次做这事时的恐惧和紧张，把自动注射机的针头扎进云天明的左臂时，动作镇定沉稳。他突然对护士产生了一种莫名的感情，她毕竟是世上最后一个陪伴自己的人了。他突然想知道二十八年前给自己接生的是谁，这两个人是这个世界上少有的真正帮过自己的人。他应该感谢他们，于是他对护士说了声谢谢。
He had been born to an intellectual family, but his parents lacked political savvy and social cunning, and they had not been successful in their lives. Though they did not live the life of elites, they had insisted on giving Tianming an education they thought befit an elite. He was only permitted to read classic books and listen to classical music; the friends he tried to make had to be the kind that his parents deemed to be from cultured, refined families. They told Tianming that the people around them were vulgar, their concerns common. In contrast, their own tastes were far superior.
他出生在一个知识分子家庭，但父母都属于社会和人际的低能者，混得很落魄。他们没有贵族的身份，却执意对云天明进行贵族教育，他看的书必须是古典名着，听的音乐必须是古典名曲，交往的人必须是他们认为有修养有层次的。他们一直告诉他周围的人和事是多么的庸俗，他们自己的精神品位要比普通人高出多么大的一截。
Do you wish to terminate your life? For yes, select 5. For no, select 0.
安乐程序正式开始，前面上方的屏幕显示：你要结束自己的生命吗？是，请按5键；否，请按0键。
In primary school, Tianming had managed to make a few friends, but he never invited them home to play. He knew that his parents would not allow him to be friends with such “vulgar” children. By the time he was in middle school, his parents’ intensified push for his elite education made him into a complete loner. That was also when his parents divorced, after his father met a young woman who sold insurance. His mother then married a wealthy general contractor.
小学时云天明还有几个朋友的，但他从来不敢把他们带到家里玩，因为父母肯定不认可他与这样庸俗的孩子在一起。到了初中，随着贵族教育的进一步深化，云天明变得形单影只了。但正是在这个时候，父母离异了。导致家庭解体的是父亲的第三者，那是一个推销保险的女孩。母亲再嫁的是一位富有的建筑承包商。
The nurse smiled at him and left, her footsteps as silent as a cat’s.
护士对他微笑了一下，然后离开了，脚步像猫一般无声。
Do you wish to terminate your life? For yes, select 2. For no, select 0.
你要结束自己的生命吗？是，请按2键；否，请按0键。
All his memories of his childhood and youth were gray.
童年和少年的记忆，都是灰色的。
Thus, both of his parents ended up with the kind of “vulgar” people they had told Tianming to stay away from, and finally realized that they had no moral authority to impose the kind of education they wanted on him. But what had already been done to Tianming was enough. He could not escape his upbringing, which was like a set of spring-loaded handcuffs: The more he struggled to free himself, the tighter they bound him. Throughout his high school years, he became more and more alone, more and more sensitive, grew further apart from others.
这两个人都是父母极力让孩子远离的人，所以这时他们也明白，自己再也没有资格对孩子进行那种教育了。但贵族教育已经在云天明的心底扎了根，他无法摆脱，就像以前的那种能上发条的手铐，越想挣脱，它铐得越紧。在整个中学时代，他变得越来越孤僻，越来越敏感，离人群也越来越远。
He had imagined that college would be a frightening place: a new, strange environment; a new, strange crowd; more things for him to struggle to adjust to. And when he first entered college, everything pretty much matched his expectations. Until he met Cheng Xin.
在他的想象中，大学是个令他不安的地方，陌生的环境和陌生的人群。对他来说又是一个艰难的适应过程。刚进大学时，一切都与他思象中的差不多，直到他见到程心。
He pressed 5.
他按了5。
Tianming had been attracted to girls before, but not like this. He felt everything around him, which had been cold and strange, become suffused with warm sunlight. At first, he didn’t understand where the light had come from. It was like a sun seen through a heavy veil of clouds, only appearing to observers as a faint disk. It was only when it disappeared that people realized that it was the source of all light during the day. Tianming’s sun disappeared at the start of the weeklong holiday around National Day, when Cheng Xin left school to visit home. Tianming felt everything around him grow dim and gray.
云天明以前也被女孩子吸引过，但从来没有这种感觉：他感到周围陌生冰冷的一切突然都充满了柔和温暖的阳光。一开始，他甚至没有意识到这阳光的来源，就像透过云层的太阳。所发出的月亮般的弱光仅能显示出圆盘的形状，只有当它消失时，人们才意识到它是自天所有光亮的来源。云天明的太阳在国庆长假到来时消失了，程心离校回了家，他噶到周围一下子黔淡下来。
It was almost certain that more than one boy felt this way about Cheng Xin. But he didn’t suffer the way other boys did, because he had no hope for his yearning. He knew that girls did not like his aloofness, his sensitivity. All he could do was to look at her from afar, bathing in the warm light she gave off, quietly appreciating the beauty of spring.
当然，对程心，肯定不止云天明一个人有这种感觉，但他没有别的男生那种寝食难安的痛苦，因为他对自己完全不抱希望。他知道没有女孩子会喜欢他这种孤僻敏感的男生，他能做的只是远远地看着她，沐浴在她带给自己的阳光中，静静地感受着春日的美丽。
Initially, Cheng Xin gave Tianming the impression of being taciturn. Beautiful women were rarely reticent, but she wasn’t an ice queen. She said little, but she listened, really listened. When she conversed with someone, her focused, calm gaze told the speaker that they were important to her.
程心最初留给云天明的印象是不爱说话，美丽而又沉默寡言的女孩比较少见，但这并不意味着她是一个冷美人。她说话不多却愿意倾听，带着真诚的关切倾听，她倾听时那清澈沉静的目光告诉每一个人，他们对她是很重要的。
Cheng Xin was different from the pretty girls who Tianming had gone to high school with. She didn’t ignore his existence. Every time she saw him, she would smile and say hi. A few times, when classmates planned outings and parties, the organizers — intentionally or otherwise — forgot about Tianming. But Cheng Xin would find him and invite him. Later, she became the first among his classmates to call him just “Tianming,” without using his surname. In their interactions — limited though they were — the deepest impression Cheng Xin left in Tianming’s heart was the feeling that she was the only one who understood his vulnerabilities and seemed to care about the pain that he might suffer.
明中学的那些美女同学不同，程心没有忽略他的存在，每次见面时都微笑着和他打招呼。有几次集体活动，组织者不知是有意还是无意把云天明忘了，程心都专门找到他通知他，后来，她成了同学中第一个省去姓称呼他天明的人。在极其有限的交往中，程心给云天明最为铭心刻骨的感觉是：她是唯一一个知道他的脆弱的人，而且好像真的担心他可能受到的伤害。
But Tianming never made more of it than what it was. It was just as Hu Wen said: Cheng Xin was nice to everyone.
与云天但云天明一直保持着清醒，他知道这里面没有更多的东西，正如胡文所说，她对谁都好。
In truth, Tianming had had very few conversations with Cheng Xin. In four years of college, he could remember talking with her one on one just a couple of times.
其实云天明跟程心的交往很少，大学四年中，他们单独在一起交谈也就两三次。
One event in particular stood out in Tianming’s mind: He and some classmates were hiking up a small mountain. Cheng Xin suddenly stopped, bent down, and picked up something from the stone steps of the trail. Tianming saw that it was an ugly caterpillar, soft and moist, wriggling against her pale fingers. Another girl next to her cried out: That’s disgusting! Why are you touching it? But Cheng Xin carefully deposited the caterpillar in the grass next to the trail. It will get stepped on.
有一件事云天明印象很深：就是那一次郊游，他们正在登一座小山，程心突然停下来，弯腰从石阶上小心翼翼地拿起了个什么东西。云天明看到那是一条丑陋的虫子，软乎乎湿漉漉的，在她白哲的手指间蠕动着，旁边一个女生尖叫道：恶心死了，你碰它干吗？程心把虫子轻轻放到旁边的草丛中，说，它在这里会给踩死的。
It was a cool, early summer night. Tianming had climbed to the deck on top of the library, his favorite place. Few students came here, and he could be alone with his thoughts. The night sky was clear after a summer rainstorm. Even the Milky Way, which normally wasn’t visible, shone in the sky.
那是一个凉爽的夏夜，云天明来到图书馆楼顶上，这是他最喜欢的地方，来的人少，可以独处。雨后初晴的夜空十分清澈，平时见不到的银河也显现出来。
Cheng Xin turned to him and pointed at the campus and city below them. “It’s really beautiful down there, too. Remember, we live here, not in the faraway galaxy.”
程心把目光从银河收回，转头看着他，指着下面的校园和城市说：“你看下面也很漂亮啊，我们的生活是在这儿，可不是在那么远的银河里”
“It really looks like a road made of milk!”
“真像牛奶洒在了天上！”
“That’s so that we may make life here better, not abandon the planet.”
“那是为了这里的生活更好，可不是为了逃离地球啊。”
“So many stars. It looks like a fog,” Tianming said.
“那么多的星星，像雾似的。”云天明感叹道。
Four years of undergraduate life came to an end. Tianming failed to get into graduate school, but Cheng Xin easily got accepted into the graduate program at their university. She went home for the summer after graduation, but Tianming lingered on campus. His only goal was to see her again at the start of the new school year. Since he wasn’t allowed to stay in the dorms, he rented a room nearby and tried to find a job in the city. He sent out countless copies of his résumé and went to interview after interview, but nothing resulted. Before he knew it, the summer was over.
四年的本科生涯结束了，云天明考研失败，程心却很轻松地考上了本校的研究生，然后回家了。云天明想尽量留在校内久一点，只是为了等程心心开学后再看到她。宿舍很快不能住了，他就在学院附近租了间小房子同时在市里找工作。投出无数的简历，一次次面试都失败了，假期也不知不觉过去。
Tianming understood that Cheng Xin had meant to gently point out his own aloofness and solitude. But he had no response. This was the closest he had ever been to her. Maybe it was his imagination, but he thought he could feel the warmth from her body. He wished the breeze would shift direction so a few strands of her hair would brush against his face.
云天明当然知道程心的话是委婉地指向他的孤僻和自闭，他也只有默然以对。那是他离程心最近的一次。也许是幻想，他甚至能感觉到她的体温，那时他真希望夜风转个方向，那样她的长发就能拂到他的面庞上。
“But aren’t we studying to be aerospace engineers? Our goal is to leave the Earth.”
“可我们的专业，不就是为了到地球之外去吗？”
Tianming looked over at the speaker. A breeze stirred Cheng Xin’s hair, reminding him of his dream. Then he and Cheng Xin gazed up at the galaxy together.
云天明循声看去，发现程心不知什么时候站在旁边，夏夜的风吹拂着她的长发，很像他梦中的景象。然后，他和程心一起仰望银河。
Tianming returned to campus, but couldn’t find Cheng Xin. He carefully made some inquiries, and found out that she and her advisor had gone to the school’s graduate institute at the Academy of Spaceflight Technology in Shanghai, where she would finish her graduate studies. That was also the day Tianming finally found a job at a new company founded for civil aerospace technology transfer that desperately needed qualified engineers.
云天明来到学校寻找程心的身影，但没有见到她，小心翼翼地打听后得知，她和导师去了本校在航天技术研究院的研究生分部，远在上海，她将在那里完成自己的学业。而正是这一天，云天明居然求职城功了这是航天系统一家航天技术转民用的公司，由于刚刚成立而大量招人，
Do you wish to terminate your life? For yes, select 4. For no, select 0.
你要结束自己的生命吗？是，请按4键；否，请按0键。
Just like that, Tianming’s sun left him. With a wintery heart, he entered real life in society.
云天明的太阳远去了，带着心中的瑟瑟寒意，他走进了社会。
He pressed 2.
他按了2。
Right after he started working, he had been happy for a while. He discovered that, compared to his competitive peers in school, people in the business world were far more tolerant and easier to deal with. He even thought his days of being isolated and aloof were over. But after winding up on the losing end of a few office political maneuvers and bad deals, he understood the cruelties of the real world, and became nostalgic for campus life. Once again, he retreated into his shell and set himself apart from the crowd. Of course, the consequences for his career were disastrous. Even in a state-owned enterprise like his company, competition was intense. If you kept to yourself, you had no chance of advancement. Year after year, he fell farther and farther behind.
刚参加工作时，他有一阵小小的惊喜，发现与学校中那些锋芒毕露的同龄人相比，社会上的人要随和许多。容易交往，他甚至以为自己要走出孤僻和自闭了。但他在帮卖自己的人数过几次钱后，终于发现这里的险恶，于怀念起校园来，并再次远离人群，更深地缩进自己的精神蜗壳里。这对他的事业自然是灾难性的，即使在这样新兴的全民企业。竟争也很激烈，不进则退。一年又一年，他的退路越来越少了。
During that time, Tianming dated two women, but the relationships fizzled quickly. It wasn’t that Cheng Xin already occupied his heart: For him, she would always be the sun behind a veil of clouds. All he wanted was to look at her, to feel her light and warmth. He dared not dream of taking a step toward her. He never even sought out news about her. He guessed, based on her intelligence, that she would go for a Ph. D., but he made no conjectures about her personal life. The main barrier between him and women was his own withdrawn personality. He struggled to build his own life, but it was too difficult.
这几年间，他谈过两个女朋友，都很快分手了。这倒不是因为他的心被程心占据着。对他来说，程心永远是云后的太阳，他只求看着她，感受她的柔光，从来不敢梦想去缩短他们之间的距离。这些年，他没有打听过程心的消息，只是猜想，以她的聪慧，应该会去读博士。至于她的生活，他不想猜。他与女孩了交往的主要障碍还是自己的孤僻性格，他也曾一心一意地试图建立起自己的生活，但困难重重。
He pressed 4.
他按了4。
Fundamentally, Tianming was not suited to live in society, nor out of it. He lacked the ability to thrive in society, but also the resources to ignore it. All he could do was hang on to the edge, suffering. He had no idea where he was headed in life.
云天明的问题在于他无法人世也无法出世，他没有人世的能力也没有出世的资本。只能痛苦地悬在半空。自己今后的人生之路怎么走，通向哪里，他心中一片茫然。
But then, he saw the end of the road.
但这条路突然看到了尽头。
Do you wish to terminate your life? For yes, select 1. For no, select 0.
你要结束自己的生命吗？是，请按1键；否，请按0键。
By the time his lung cancer was discovered, it was already late stage. Maybe there had been an earlier misdiagnosis. Lung cancer was one of those cancers that spread fast in the body, so he didn’t have much time left.
他的肺癌被确诊时已是晚期，可能是被之前的误诊耽误了，肺癌是扩散最快的癌症，他已时日无多。
He wanted to see Cheng Xin.
他想见到程心。
As he left the hospital, he wasn’t scared. The only emotion he felt was loneliness. His alienation had been building up, but had been held back by an invisible dam. It was a kind of equilibrium that he could endure. But now, the dam had collapsed, and the weight of years of accumulated loneliness overwhelmed him like a dark ocean. He could not bear it.
走出医院时，他没有恐惧，唯一的感觉是孤独。之前的孤独虽在不断郁积中，但被一道无形的堤坝拦住，唯一可以忍受的静态。现在堤坝溃决了，那在以往岁月里聚集的孤独像黑色的狂飚自天而落，超出了他可以承受的极限。
Without hesitation, he bought a plane ticket and flew to Shanghai that afternoon. By the time his taxi arrived at his destination, his fervor had cooled somewhat. He told himself that, as someone about to die, he shouldn’t bother her. He wouldn’t even let her know of his presence. He just wanted to look at her once from afar, like a drowning man struggling to take one last breath before sinking down forever.
他毫不犹豫地买了一张机票，当天下午就飞到了上海。当他坐到出租车里时，狂躁的心冷了一些，他告诉白己身为一个将死之人，不能去打扰她，他不会让她知道自己的存在，只想远远地看她一眼，就像一个溺水者拼命升上水面吸一口气，再沉下去也能死得平静些。
Standing in front of the gate to the Academy of Spaceflight Technology, he calmed down even more. He saw how irrational his own actions of the past few hours had been. Even if Cheng Xin had gone on to obtain a Ph. D., she would be finished with her studies by now, and she might not even be working here. He spoke to the guard in front of the door and found out that there were more than twenty thousand people working at the academy, and he had to know the exact department if he wanted to find someone. He had lost touch with his classmates, and had no more information to give the guard.
站在航天技术研究院的大门前，他进一步冷静下来，才发现在之前的几个小时里自己的确完全失去了理智。按时间算，即使程心读博士，现在也毕业工作了，那就不一定在这里。他去向门岗的保安打听，人家说研究院有两万多名员工，他得提供具体的部门才行。他没有同学的联系方式，无处进一步问询。
It was still possible that Cheng Xin did work here. It was almost the end of the workday, and if he waited here, he might see her.
程心也有可能在这里工作，下班的时间快到了，在门口可能等到她。
He felt weak and out of breath, and he sat down a little ways from the gate.
同时感到身体很虚弱，呼吸困难，就在大门不远处坐了下来。
The gate to the academy complex was very wide. Large golden characters engraved into the short black wall next to it gave the formal name for the place, which had expanded greatly since its early days. Wouldn’t such a large complex have more than one entrance? With an effort, he got up and asked the guard again. Indeed, there were four more entrances.
于是他就等着大门很宽敞，伸缩栅栏旁一面黑色的矮墙上镶刻着单位名称的金色大字，这是原航天八所，现在规模扩大了许多。他突然想到，这么大的单位，是不是还有别的门呢？于是艰难地起身再去问保安，得知居然还有四个门！
This moment resembled the rest of his life: a dedicated watch for a slim, slim ray of hope.
这一刻很像他的一生，执着地守望着一个渺茫的希望。
Slowly, he walked back to his place, sat down, and waited. He had no other choice.
他慢慢走回原处，仍坐下等待着，他也只能等在这里。
The odds were against him: Cheng Xin would still have to be working here after graduation; to be at the office, instead of away on business; to pick this door, as opposed to four others, when she got out of work.
他面对着这样一个概率：程心毕业后仍在这里工作；今天没有外出今天下班会走五个门中的这一个。
It was the end of the workday. People began to depart the complex: some walking, some on bikes, some in cars. The stream of people and vehicles grew, and then shrank. After an hour, only a few stragglers remained.
下班的人开始走出来，有的步行，有的骑车或开车，人流和车流由稀变密，再山密变稀，一个小时后，只有零星的人车出人。
Cheng Xin never passed.
没有程心。
He was certain that he would not have missed her, even if she drove. That meant that she was no longer working here, or maybe she hadn’t come to work today, or maybe she had used another entrance.
他确信自己不会错过她的，即使她开车出来也一样，那么，她可能不在这里工作。或在这里工作今天不在单位，或在单位却走了别的门。
He felt he was already dead.
他感觉白己已经死了。
He remained where he was until it was completely dark. He didn’t remember how he managed to hail a taxi to bring him to the airport, how he flew back to his city, how he returned to his company-owned single dormitory.
他仍坐在那里，直到天完全黑下来。后来，他不记得自己是如何爬上出租车到了机场，如何飞回他生活的城市，回到栖身的单身宿舍。
Do you wish to terminate your life? This is your last prompt. For yes, select 3. For no, select 0.
你要结束自己的生命吗？这是最后一次提示。是，请按3键按0键。
The setting sun stretched out the shadows of buildings and trees, like numerous arms extended toward him in pity.
西斜的太阳把建筑和树木的影子越拉越长，仿佛是许多只向他拢抱过来的怜润的手臂。
He pressed 1.
他按了1。
What would he want as his epitaph? He wasn’t even sure he would get a tomb. It was expensive to buy a burial plot near Beijing. Even if his father wanted to buy him one, his sister would probably disagree — she was still alive, and she didn’t even own a home! Most likely, his ashes would be stored in a cubby in the wall at Babaoshan People’s Cemetery. But if he were to have a tombstone, he would like it to say:
自己的墓志铭是什么？事实上他不确定自己会有墓，在北京周边买一处墓地是很贵的，即使父亲想给他买，姐姐也不会同意，她会说活人还没住处呢。自己的骨灰最大的可能也就是放在八宝山上的一个小格子里。不过如果有墓碑，上面应该写——
He pressed 3.
他按了3。
He came; he loved; he gave her a star; he left.
来了。爱了，给了她一颗星星。走了。
Then the nurse began to bandage up Tianming’s bleeding left arm.
然后，护士才开始处理云天明流血的左手腕。
In the lead was the director, who dashed for the switch that would turn off the automatic injector. The hospital executive that followed him went and yanked the injector’s power cord out of the wall. After them came the nurse, who pulled the tube attached to the needle in Tianming’s arm so hard that he winced from the sharp pain as the needle was jerked out.
最先进来的是安乐指导，他冲到床前关闭了自动注射机的电源；随后进来的医院领导则干脆从墙根拔下了电源插座；最后是那名护士，她猛扯注射机上的软管，把它从机器上拉下来，同时也把云天明左臂的的针头拉了出来，使他感到左手腕一阵刺痛。
There was a commotion on the other side of the glass. Just as Tianming was pressing the mouse button, the door to the euthanasia room flew open and a group of people rushed in.
在此之前，骚动已经在玻璃屏的另一边出现了，儿乎就在云天明按下死亡按钮的同时，通向安乐室的门被撞开了，一群人冲了进来。
Only one person stood outside the door to the euthanasia room. But for Tianming, the whole world seemed brighter: Cheng Xin.
玻璃屏另一边只剩一个人，她却为云天明照亮了整个世界，她是程心。
Tianming could feel the dampness on his chest — Cheng Xin’s tears had soaked through his clothes.
云天明的胸膛清晰地感觉到了程心滴到他衣服上并渗进来的眼泪。
Everyone gathered around the tube to examine it. “That was close! None of the drugs went into him,” someone said.
然后，人们围过来检查软管，他听到一句如释重负的话，好像是说：还好，药液还没出来。
When he first saw her, he thought she hadn’t changed at all. But now he noticed that her hair was shorter — it no longer draped over her shoulders, but stopped at her neck. The ends curled prettily. He still didn’t have the courage to reach out and touch the hair that he had long yearned for.
初见程心时他觉得她几乎没变，现在才注意到她原来的披肩发变成r齐颈的短发，优美地弯曲着。即便在这时，他也没有勇气去轻拂这曾让他魂牵梦萦的秀发。
But when she finally spoke, what she said was not at all what he expected. “Tianming, did you know that the euthanasia law was passed specifically for you?”
但接着，程心说出一句完全意外的话：“天明，你知道吗？安乐死法是为你通过的。”
I’m really useless. But he felt like he was in heaven.
他真是个废物，不过这时，他已经在天堂里了。
Cheng Xin seemed to hear this inner speech. She lifted her head. It was the first time their eyes were this close, closer than he had ever dared to dream. Her eyes, made even more beautiful by her tears, broke his heart.
程心似乎听到了他心中的话，她慢慢抬起头来，他们的目光第一次这么近地相遇，比他梦中的还近，她那双因泪水而格外晶莹的美丽眼睛让他心碎。
The silence seemed like the peace of paradise, and Tianming wanted that silence to last. You can’t save me, he said to her in his mind. I will listen to you and not seek euthanasia. But I’m going to end up in the same place anyway. I hope you take the star I gave you and find happiness.
长长的沉默像天国的宁静，云天明愿这宁静永远延续下去。。你救不了我，他在心里对程心说，我会听从你的劝告放弃安乐死，但结果都一样。你就带着我送你的星星去寻找幸福吧。
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