Shawn drove for days with little sleep, navigating our fifty-foot trailer as if it were his own arm. He doctored the books whenever we crossed a checkpoint, to make it seem he was getting more sleep than he was. Every other day we stopped to shower and eat a meal that wasn’t dried fruit and granola.
肖恩开了好几天车，没怎么睡过觉，娴熟地操纵着五十英尺长的大拖挂，仿佛那是自己的手臂。每当经过检查站，他就篡改记录，以显得睡眠比实际上充足。每隔一天我们会停车洗个澡，吃顿干果和格拉诺拉燕麦卷以外的饭。
Shawn hated trucking long-haul, but he said he’d do it if I came along. Dad didn’t need me in the junkyard, and Randy could spare me for a few days, so we set off, heading down to Las Vegas, then east to Albuquerque, west to Los Angeles, then up to Washington State. I’d thought I would see the cities, but mostly I saw truck stops and interstate. The windshield was enormous and elevated like a cockpit, which made the cars below seem like toys. The sleeper cab, where the bunks were, was musty and dark as a cave, littered with bags of Doritos and trail mix.
肖恩讨厌长途运输，但他说如果我跟着一起，他就会做。爸爸不需要我在废料场干活，兰迪也能给我放几天假，所以我们就出发了。先驶向拉斯维加斯，又向东前往阿尔伯克基[17]，向西去往洛杉矶，然后向北来到华盛顿州。我原以为能去各个城市开开眼界，但所见的大都是卡车停靠站和州际高速公路。挡风玻璃又大又高，像飞机驾驶舱一样架在高处，让下面的汽车看上去如同玩具一般。床铺所在的卧铺厢像个洞穴，黑黢黢的，一股霉味，到处散落着多力多滋玉米片和混合干果的包装袋。【注：[17]Albuquerque，美国新墨西哥州中部大城市。】
My brother Tony had taken out a loan to buy his own rig — a semi and trailer — but in order to make the payments, he had to keep the truck on the road, so that’s where he was living, on the road. Until his wife got sick and the doctor she consulted (she had consulted a doctor) put her on bed rest. Tony called Shawn and asked if he could run the rig for a week or two.
大哥托尼贷款给自己买了件装备——一辆半挂式拖车。但为了还清贷款，他不停地拉货，所以终日生活在路上。直到他的妻子病了，她咨询的医生（她去看了医生）让她卧床休息。托尼打电话给肖恩，问肖恩能不能替他开一两周车。
“If you know what you’re doing,” he said, “you can incapacitate a man with minimal effort. You can control someone’s whole body with two fingers. It’s about knowing where the weak points are, and how to exploit them.” He grabbed my wrist and folded it, bending my fingers downward so they reached uncomfortably toward the inside of my forearm. He continued to add pressure until I twisted slightly, wrapping my arm behind my back to relieve the strain.
“会了这一招，”他说，“你就能用最小的力气让一个人丧失行动能力。只需两根手指头你就能控制一个人的整个身体。首先要搞清楚对方的薄弱点在哪里，再就是如何利用它们。”他抓住我的手腕折叠起来，把我的手指向下掰，让它们不舒服地伸向前臂内侧。他持续施力，直到我轻轻扭动，将胳膊绕在背后以减轻受力。
Near Albuquerque, the Walmart warehouse was backed up and couldn’t unload us for two days. We were outside the city — there was nothing but a truck stop and red sand stretching out in all directions — so we ate Cheetos and played Mario Kart in the sleeper. By sunset on the second day, our bodies ached from sitting, and Shawn said he should teach me martial arts. We had our first lesson at dusk in the parking lot.
在阿尔伯克基附近，沃尔玛仓库拥堵，要等上两天才能轮到我们卸货。我们在城外，那里除了一个卡车停靠站和延伸至四面八方的红沙，什么也没有，所以我们吃奇多，在卧铺上玩马里奥赛车。第二天日落时分，我们浑身因久坐而酸痛，肖恩便说要教我武术。黄昏，我们在停车场上了第一节课。
“See? This is a weak point,” he said. “If I fold it any more, you’ll be immobilized.” He grinned his angel grin. “I won’t, though, because it’d hurt like hell.”
“看到了吗？这就是一个薄弱点。”他说，“如果我再折，你就不能动弹了。”他露出天使般的笑容，“不过我不会那么做，因为那样会疼得要命。”
I folded his wrist onto itself and squeezed hard, trying to get his upper body to collapse the way mine had. He didn’t move.
我把他的手腕叠起来用力挤压，想让他的上半身像我一样垮掉。他纹丝不动。
He let go and said, “Now you try.”
他放开我的手，说：“现在你来试试。”
“You’re not my little sister,” Shawn said. “You’re my sittle lister.” He pronounced the words lazily, blunting the t’s to d’s so that it sounded like “siddle lister.”
“你不是我的小妹，”肖恩说，“你是我的‘sittle lister’[18]。”他懒洋洋地说着这几个字，把字母“t”发成了“d”的音，听起来就像“siddle lister”。【注：[18]“小妹”互换了首字母的说法，原词应为“little sister”。下文中提及“小妹”时，肖恩采用的都是这种说法或这种说法的缩略和变体。】
He gripped my wrist a different way — the way an attacker might, he said. He taught me how to break the hold, where the fingers were weakest and the bones in my arm strongest, so that after a few minutes I could cut through even his thick fingers. He taught me how to throw my weight behind a punch, and where to aim to crush the windpipe.
他换了个方式抓住我的手腕——一种攻击者可能会用的方式，他说。他教我如何挣脱，告诉我手指哪一处最无力，胳膊哪一块骨头最坚硬。于是几分钟后我就能挣开他粗壮的手指了。他教我如何对付一记重拳，以及瞄准对方气管的哪个位置。
“Maybe another strategy for you,” he said.
“也许你该换个策略。”他说。
The next morning, the trailer was unloaded. We climbed into the truck, picked up a new load and drove for another two days, watching the white lines disappear hypnotically beneath the hood, which was the color of bone. We had few forms of entertainment, so we made a game of talking. The game had only two rules. The first was that every statement had to have at least two words in which the first letters were switched.
第二天早上，拖车上的货卸完了。我们爬上卡车，又装了一批新货，连续开了两天车，看着引擎盖下方骨白色的线慢慢消失，昏昏欲睡。由于几乎没有什么娱乐活动，我们发明了一个说话游戏。游戏只有两条规则：首先每句话必须至少有两个词，两个单词中的第一个字母要调换位置。
The second rule was that every word that sounded like a number, or like it had a number in it, had to be changed so that the number was one higher. The word “to’ for example, because it sounds like the number “two,” would become “three.”
第二条规则是，每一个听起来像数字的单词，或者里面有数字的单词，都必须改成比原先的数字大1。例如“to”这个词，因为听上去像数字“two”（2），就变成了“three”（3）。
“Siddle Lister,” Shawn might say, “we should pay a-eleven-tion. There’s a checkpoint ahead and I can’t a-five-d a ticket. Time three put on your seatbelt.”
“小妹，”肖恩会说，“我们该注意了，前方有个检查站，我买不起票，该系好安全带了。”[19]【注：[19]“注意”（attention）一词中的“ten”（10），在这句话中被替换成了数字“eleven”（11），即“a—eleven—tion”；“买”（afford）一词读音含有数字“four”（4），被替换为“five”（5），即“a—five—d”，介词“to”也依此原则替换为数字“three”（3）。】
A four-wheeler, Shawn explained, is what big rigs call cars and pickups.
肖恩解释说，“四轮子”是大牵引挂车司机对其他小汽车和皮卡的称呼。
When we tired of this, we’d turn on the CB and listen to the lonely banter of truckers stretched out across the interstate.
玩够了这个游戏，我们就打开民用波段无线电，听州际公路上孤独的卡车司机们之间的玩笑话。
Another voice came over the CB to complain about a red Ferrari that was weaving through traffic at 120 miles per hour. “Bastard damned near hit a little blue Chevy,” the deep voice bellowed through the static. “Shit, there’s kids in that Chevy. Anybody up ahead wanna cool this hothead down?” The voice gave its location.
电台又传来另一个声音，抱怨一辆红色法拉利以一百二十英里的时速在车流中穿梭。“该死的浑蛋，差点撞上一辆蓝色小雪佛兰。”低沉的吼叫从电波里传来，“妈的，那辆雪佛兰里还有孩子呢。前面有谁想给这个急性子降降火？”那个声音报出了车辆位置。
“Look out for a green four-wheeler,” a gruff voice said, when we were somewhere between Sacramento and Portland. “Been picnicking in my blind spot for a half hour.”
“大家注意一辆绿色四轮子，”当我们行驶在萨克拉门托和波特兰之间时，传来一个粗哑的声音，“在我的盲区荡悠了半个小时了。”
Shawn checked the mile marker. We were ahead. “I’m a white Pete pulling a fridge,” he said. There was silence while everybody checked their mirrors for a Peterbilt with a reefer. Then a third voice, gruffer than the first, answered: “I’m the blue KW hauling a dry box.”
肖恩看了看里程标志牌。我们在那辆车前面。他对着无线电说：“我开一辆拉着冰柜的白色彼得。”一阵沉默，大家都从后视镜里搜寻一辆拉冰柜的彼得比尔特牌卡车。接着另一个声音回应了，这个声音比头一个还粗哑：“我是拉干燥箱的蓝色肯沃思。”
When the Ferrari appeared, multiplied in our many mirrors, Shawn shifted into high gear, revving the engine and pulling beside the Kenworth so that the two fifty-foot trailers were running side by side, blocking both lanes. The Ferrari honked, weaved back and forth, braked, honked again.
法拉利从我们多个后视镜里出现时，肖恩挂上高速挡，加速开到那辆肯沃思卡车旁。于是两辆五十英尺长的拖挂车并排行驶，将两个车道堵得严严实实。法拉利鸣笛，前后穿行，减速，再次鸣笛。
“How long should we keep him back there?” the husky voice said, with a deep laugh.
“我们还要挡他多久？”那个沙哑的声音说，带着深沉的笑声。
“Until he calms down,” Shawn answered.
“等他老实下来。”肖恩回答道。
Five miles later, they let him pass.
五英里后，他们放行了。
“Well, Siddle Lister,” Shawn said when we pulled into the junkyard, “back three work.”
“好吧，小妹，”我们回到废料场，肖恩说，“回家继续干活[20]。”【注：[20]这里“to work”的“to”被替换为数字“three”（3）。】
The trip lasted about a week, then we told Tony to find us a load to Idaho.
这次行程持续了大约一星期，最后我们让托尼找了一批货，载货返回了爱达荷州。
The worm creek opera house announced a new play: Carousel. Shawn drove me to the audition, then surprised me by auditioning himself. Charles was also there, talking to a girl named Sadie, who was seventeen. She nodded at what Charles was saying, but her eyes were fixed on Shawn.
虫溪剧场要上演一出新剧：《旋转木马》。肖恩开车送我去试唱，自己顺便也参加了试唱，这让我十分惊讶。查尔斯也在那里，正和一个叫赛迪的十七岁女孩聊天。查尔斯说话时她频频点头，眼睛却瞄向肖恩。
“I see you,” Shawn said, and for my benefit pointed to a navy-colored Kenworth a few cars ahead.
“我看见了。”肖恩说，指给我看前面一辆深蓝色肯沃思卡车。
“Fish eyes?”
“鱼眼睛？”
“She’s got fish eyes,” he said.
“她长着一双鱼眼睛。”他说。
At the first rehearsal she came and sat next to him, laying her hand on his arm, laughing and tossing her hair. She was very pretty, with soft, full lips and large dark eyes, but when I asked Shawn if he liked her, he said he didn’t.
第一次排练时，她走过来坐在他旁边，把手放在他胳膊上，笑着甩动着头发。她很漂亮，有着柔软丰满的嘴唇和大大的黑眼睛。可当我问肖恩是否喜欢她时，他却回答说不喜欢。
“Yup, fish eyes. They’re dead stupid, fish. They’re beautiful, but their heads’re as empty as a tire.”
“是的，鱼的眼睛。死气沉沉的蠢鱼。眼睛很漂亮，但是脑袋像轮胎一样空空如也。”
Sadie started dropping by the junkyard around quitting time, usually with a milkshake for Shawn, or cookies or cake. Shawn hardly even spoke to her, just grabbed whatever she’d brought him and kept walking toward the corral. She would follow and try to talk to him while he fussed over his horses, until one evening she asked if he would teach her to ride. I tried to explain that our horses weren’t broke all the way, but she was determined, so Shawn put her on Apollo and the three of us headed up the mountain. Shawn ignored her and Apollo. He offered none of the help he’d given me, teaching me how to stand in the stirrups while going down steep ravines or how to squeeze my thighs when the horse leapt over a branch. Sadie trembled for the entire ride, but she pretended to be enjoying herself, restoring her lipsticked smile every time he glanced in her direction.
赛迪开始在废料场的工作快结束时顺路来这里，常常带奶昔、饼干或蛋糕给肖恩。肖恩几乎不跟她说话，无论她带了什么，他只是抓过来便径直向畜栏走去。他照料马时，她会跟在后面和他说话。直到一天晚上，她问他能否教她骑马。我试着向她解释，我们的马一直不太温顺，但她决心已定，于是肖恩让她骑上阿波罗，我们三人一起上了山。肖恩并不理睬她和阿波罗。他没有教给她以前教给我的那一套——沿陡峭的峡谷下行时如何站在马镫上，或者马跳过树枝时如何夹紧大腿。赛迪全程都在发抖，但还装出一副开心的样子，每当他朝她那边瞥上一眼，她涂了唇膏的嘴便又恢复了笑容。
“Nothing,” he said.
“没什么。”他说。
At the next rehearsal, Charles asked Sadie about a scene, and Shawn saw them talking. Sadie came over a few minutes later but Shawn wouldn’t speak to her. He turned his back and she left crying.
第二次排练时，查尔斯询问赛迪戏中一幕场景，两人说话时被肖恩看到了。几分钟后赛迪走了过来，但肖恩拒绝跟她说话。他转过身背对她，她哭着离开了。
“You didn’t want it!” she said, her eyes shining like glass. “I gave it to Charles!”
“你刚才不要士力架！”她说着，泪眼盈盈，“我把它给查尔斯了！”
“You didn’t,” she said. “You said Snickers.”
“不是，”她说，“你说要士力架。”
“What’s that about?” I said.
“怎么了？”我问。
“I want a Milky Way.”
“我想要银河牛奶巧克力。”
Sadie left again and fetched the Milky Way. She handed it to him with a nervous laugh, and Shawn said, “Where’s my Snickers? What, you forgot again?”
赛迪再次出去，买来了银河牛奶巧克力。她紧张地笑着递给他，可肖恩说：“我的士力架呢？怎么，你又忘了吗？”
“Go get it.”
“去要回来。”
“I’ll buy you another.”
“我再给你买一个吧。”
By the next rehearsal, a few days later, Shawn seemed to have forgotten it. Sadie approached him warily, but he smiled at her, and a few minutes later they were talking and laughing. Shawn asked her to cross the street and buy him a Snickers at the dime store. She seemed pleased that he would ask and hurried out the door, but when she returned a few minutes later and gave him the bar, he said, “What is this shit? I asked for a Milky Way.”
几天后又到了排练时间，肖恩似乎已经把这件事忘了。赛迪小心翼翼地走近他，但他对她笑了笑，几分钟后两人又有说有笑了。肖恩让她到马路对面的杂货店给他买条士力架。她似乎很高兴能为他效劳，匆匆出去，几分钟后就把士力架给他买回来了。但他说：“买的这是什么破玩意儿？我要的是银河牛奶巧克力。”
“No,” Shawn said, his eyes cold. His baby teeth, which usually gave him an impish, playful appearance, now made him seem unpredictable, volatile. “I want that one. Get it, or don’t come back.”
“不，”肖恩说，目光冰冷。他的乳牙通常让他显得淘气顽皮，现在却让他看起来不可捉摸、反复无常。“我就想要那一条。去要，否则别回来。”
A tear slid down Sadie’s cheek, smearing her mascara. She paused for a moment to wipe it away and pull up her smile. Then she walked over to Charles and, laughing as if it were nothing, asked if she could have the Snickers. He reached into his pocket and pulled it out, then watched her walk back to Shawn. Sadie placed the Snickers in his palm like a peace offering and waited, staring at the carpet. Shawn pulled her onto his lap and ate the bar in three bites.
一颗泪珠从赛迪的脸颊上滚落，晕染了她的睫毛膏。她停顿了一会儿，擦掉眼泪，努力挤出一副笑脸。接着她走到查尔斯跟前，仿佛没事似的大笑着，问能不能要回刚才的士力架。查尔斯把手伸进口袋，掏出士力架，看着她走回肖恩那里。赛迪把士力架像谢罪礼一样放到他掌心，等待着，盯着地毯。肖恩将她拉到膝盖上，三口就吃光了士力架。
“You have lovely eyes,” he said. “Just like a fish.”
“你的眼睛真漂亮，”他说，“和鱼眼睛一样。”
Sadie’s parents were divorcing and the town was awash in rumors about her father. When Mother heard the rumors, she said now it made sense why Shawn had taken an interest in Sadie. “He’s always protected angels with broken wings,” she said.
赛迪的父母正在闹离婚，镇上到处都是关于她父亲的流言蜚语。母亲听到这些传言后，说她现在明白肖恩为什么对赛迪感兴趣了。“他总是去保护那些折翼天使。”她说。
Shawn found out Sadie’s class schedule and memorized it. He made a point of driving to the high school several times a day, particularly at those times when he knew she’d be moving between buildings. He’d pull over on the highway and watch her from a distance, too far for her to come over, but not so far that she wouldn’t see him. It was something we did together, he and I, nearly every time we went to town, and sometimes when we didn’t need to go to town at all. Until one day, when Sadie appeared on the steps of the high school with Charles. They were laughing together; Sadie hadn’t noticed Shawn’s truck.
肖恩查到了赛迪的课程表并记了下来。他每天多次开车去往她就读的高中，尤其是当她在各个教学楼之间穿梭的时候。他会把车停在高速公路上，隔着一段距离看她。距离刚好不够她赶过去，也不至于让她看不见他。我们俩是一起去的，我和他几乎每次进城都这么做，有时根本不必进城也会这么做。直到有一天，赛迪和查尔斯一起出现在学校的台阶上。两人有说有笑；赛迪并没有看见肖恩的卡车。
Sadie came to our house every day after school, and I watched the Snickers incident play out over and over, in different forms, with different objects. Shawn would ask for a glass of water. When Sadie brought it, he’d want ice. When she brought that he’d ask for milk, then water again, ice, no ice, then juice. This could go on for thirty minutes before, in a final test, he would ask for something we didn’t have. Then Sadie would drive to town to buy it — vanilla ice cream, fries, a burrito — only to have him demand something else the moment she got back. The nights they went out, I was grateful.
赛迪每天放学后都来我们家，我看着士力架事件一遍又一遍地上演，只不过形式不同，物品也换了。肖恩会要一杯水喝。赛迪端过水来，他又说想要冰块。等她拿来冰块，他又要牛奶，接着又要水，冰，不加冰，然后要果汁。这个过程可能持续半个钟头，在最后测试环节，他会要我们家没有的东西。赛迪便会开车去镇上买——香草冰激凌、薯条、玉米煎饼——等她一回来，他只会要别的东西。我很感激他们俩出门的那些夜晚。
I watched his face harden, then relax. He smiled at me. “I have the perfect punishment,” he said. “I simply won’t see her. All I have to do is not see her, and she will suffer.”
我看见他脸色一沉，接着放松下来。他微笑着对我说：“我有完美的惩罚方案，”他说，“只需不见她。只要我不见她，她就会痛苦。”
One night, he came home late and in a strange mood. Everyone was asleep except me, and I was on the sofa, reading a chapter of scripture before bed. Shawn plopped down next to me. “Get me a glass of water.”
一天晚上，他很晚才回家，情绪不太对头。除了我，大家都睡了。我坐在沙发上，在睡前读一章《圣经》。肖恩猛地坐在我旁边，“给我端杯水来。”
He was right. When he didn’t return her calls, Sadie became desperate. She told the boys at school not to walk with her, for fear Shawn would see, and when Shawn said he disliked one of her friends, she stopped seeing them.
他说得没错。他不回她的电话，赛迪感到绝望。因为担心被肖恩发现，她告诉男同学们不要和她同行。当肖恩说不喜欢她的某个朋友，她就不再和那个人见面。
“Apologize,” he said. Water dripped from his nose onto his T-shirt.
“道歉。”他说。水沿着他的鼻子滴到T恤上。
I fetched the water. As I handed it over, I saw the smile on his face and without thinking dumped the whole thing on his head. I made it down the hall and was nearly to my room when he caught me.
我去拿水。递给他水时，我看到他脸上的坏笑，于是想都没想就把整杯水倒在了他头上。我沿着走廊跑，快到我房间时被他一把抓住。
“No.”
“不。”
“You break your leg?” I said.
“你的腿断了吗？”我说。
He grabbed a fistful of my hair, a large clump, his grip fixed near the root to give him greater leverage, and dragged me into the bathroom. I groped at the door, catching hold of the frame, but he lifted me off the ground, flattened my arms against my body, then dropped my head into the toilet. “Apologize,” he said again. I said nothing. He stuck my head in further, so my nose scraped the stained porcelain. I closed my eyes, but the smell wouldn’t let me forget where I was.
他一把抓住我的头发，一大团，紧紧揪着发根，将我拖进卫生间。我摸到门，抱住门框，但他把我从地上扛起来，让我的胳膊紧贴身体，然后将我的头塞进了马桶。“道歉。”他又说了一遍。我一声不吭。他把我的头往里按，于是我的鼻子碰到了污渍斑斑的马桶陶瓷。我闭上眼睛，但气味无法让我忘记自己身在何处。
“Get it, or I won’t drive you to town tomorrow.”
“去拿，否则我明天不开车送你进城了。”
I tried to imagine something else, something that would take me out of myself, but the image that came to mind was of Sadie, crouching, compliant. It pumped me full of bile. He held me there, my nose touching the bowl, for perhaps a minute, then he let me up. The tips of my hair were wet; my scalp was raw.
我试着想象一些别的东西，一些能让我忘记现状的东西，但脑海中浮现的是赛迪点头哈腰的顺从样子。这个画面让我愤怒不已。他按住我，我的鼻子碰着便池，大约一分钟后他才让我站起来。我的发梢都湿了，头皮生疼。
I thought it was over. I’d begun to back away when he seized my wrist and folded it, curling my fingers and palm into a spiral. He continued folding until my body began to coil, then he added more pressure, so that without thinking, without realizing, I twisted myself into a dramatic bow, my back bent, my head nearly touching the floor, my arm behind my back.
我以为事情结束了。我刚要走开，他抓住我的手腕，一个折叠，将我的手指和手掌卷成螺旋状。他不停地拧，直到我的身体蜷缩起来，然后他加大力气，让我不自觉地把自己扭成一个夸张的弓状，弯着腰，背着手，头几乎碰到地上。
Still harder than if I were Sadie, I thought.
和赛迪比起来，对付我可没那么容易，我想。
In the parking lot, when Shawn had shown me this hold, I’d moved only a little, responding more to his description than to any physical necessity. It hadn’t seemed particularly effective at the time, but now I understood the maneuver for what it was: control. I could scarcely move, scarcely breathe, without breaking my own wrist. Shawn held me in position with one hand; the other he dangled loosely at his side, to show me how easy it was.
上次在停车场肖恩给我演示这个动作时，我只是稍微动了一下，更多是为了配合他的描述，而不是身体需要。当时这一招似乎并不特别奏效，但现在我明白了它的作用：控制。为了不让手腕折断，我几乎不敢动弹，也不敢呼吸。肖恩用一只手将我固定住，另一只手在身旁轻松地晃来晃去，向我炫耀这对他有多容易。
As if he could read my mind, he twisted my wrist further; my body was coiled tightly, my face scraping the floor. I’d done all I could do to relieve the pressure in my wrist. If he kept twisting, it would break.
他仿佛读懂了我的心思，将我的手腕扭得更厉害了。我的身体紧紧蜷缩着，脸贴着地板。我已经用尽全力来减轻手腕的受力。如果他再继续，我的手腕就断了。
“Apologize,” he said.
“道歉。”他说。
He dropped my wrist and I fell to the floor. I could hear his steps moving down the hall. I stood and quietly locked the bathroom door, then I stared into the mirror at the girl clutching her wrist. Her eyes were glassy and drops slid down her cheeks. I hated her for her weakness, for having a heart to break. That he could hurt her, that anyone could hurt her like that, was inexcusable.
他松开了我的手腕，我倒在地上。我听见他的脚步声穿过了门厅。我站起身来，悄悄地锁上卫生间的门，然后盯着镜子里那个紧握手腕的女孩。她两眼无神，泪珠从脸颊上滑落。我恨她的软弱，恨她有一颗易碎的心。他能伤害她，任何人都能那样伤害她，这不可原谅。
There was a long moment in which fire burned up my arm and into my brain. “I’m sorry,” I said.
接下来是漫长的一刻，我的胳膊火烧火燎，疼痛蔓延至头顶。“对不起。”我说。
This moment would define my memory of that night, and of the many nights like it, for a decade. In it I saw myself as unbreakable, as tender as stone. At first I merely believed this, until one day it became the truth. Then I was able to tell myself, without lying, that it didn’t affect me, that he didn’t affect me, because nothing affected me. I didn’t understand how morbidly right I was. How I had hollowed myself out. For all my obsessing over the consequences of that night, I had misunderstood the vital truth: that its not affecting me, that was its effect.
这一刻定义了我对那一晚的记忆，以及之后长达十年之久很多类似的夜晚的记忆。在这样的记忆中，我看到的是一个坚不可摧、像石头一样难以对付的自己。起初我仅仅是让自己相信这一点，直到有一天它变成了现实。然后我才能坦诚地告诉自己，这对我没有影响，他没有影响到我，因为没有什么可以影响我。我不明白我的这种正确是多么病态，不明白自己是如何掏空了自己。尽管我一直被那晚的后果所困扰，但我误解了最重要的事实：它没有影响我，这本身就是它的影响。
I’m only crying from the pain, I told myself. From the pain in my wrist. Not from anything else.
我只是因为疼痛而哭泣，我告诉自己，因为手腕疼痛，而不是因为别的。
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