My body tried to reject the pain, and I was sucked again and again into a blackness that cut out whole seconds or maybe even minutes of the agony, making it that much harder to keep up with reality.
我的身子试着拒绝痛苦，我再次断断续续地被吸入黑暗之中，这使跟上现实会困难得多。
I tried to separate them.
我试图将它们分开。
Reality was knowing there was something so much more important than all this torture, and not being able to remember what it was.
现实是知道有些事情比这一切的酷刑还要重要，确不能够记起是什么。
Reality was feeling my body twist and flip when I couldn’t possibly move because of the pain.
现实是我的身体失去理智地扭转着，在不可能转移痛苦时。
The pain was bewildering.
疼痛扑朔迷离。
And then one tiny, inconsequential thing had gone wrong.
然后一个小小的，微不足道的东西正走向错误。
Reality had come on so fast.
现实居然到来的那么快。
Non-reality was black, and it didn’t hurt so much.
幻像中的一切是黑色的，也并没有伤害那么多。
Exactly that — I was bewildered. I couldn’t understand, couldn’t make sense of what was happening.
正是这样——我很困惑。我无法理解，无法理解发生了什么事。
One moment, everything was as it should have been. Surrounded by people I loved. Smiles. Somehow, unlikely as it was, it seemed like I was about to get everything I’d been fighting for.
在某个瞬间，一切都像它本来应该的那样。周围是我爱的人，微笑着。不知何故，却又似乎不那样，似乎像是我得到了我将要为之斗争的一切。
Reality was red, and it felt like I was being sawed in half, hit by a bus, punched by a prize fighter, trampled by bulls, and submerged in acid, all at the same time.
现实是红色的，那感觉就像我被锯子锯成了两半，被一辆公共汽车给击中了，在拳击赛上给揍了一顿，被公牛队践踏着，在硫酸中淹没，并且是发生在同一时间。
Something sharper than knives ripped through me — the words, making sense in spite of the other tortures. Detached placenta — I knew what that meant. It meant that my baby was dying inside me.
一些比刀更锋利的东西穿透了我——那些话语，尽管还有那些疼痛。分离胎盘——我指到那意味着什么。那意味着我的孩子将要在我的身体里死去。
“No! Now –,” I choked, unable to finish.
“不！现在——”我哽咽着，无法继续。
He wanted to wait, to give me painkillers, while our baby was dying?!
他想要等待，给我止痛药，就在我们的孩子正在死亡的时候？
“The morphine –“
“吗啡——”
Pieces of me shattering, snapping, slicing apart…
我一寸寸地粉碎，撕咬，分离……
Voices, this time, shouting, as the pain came back.
声音传来，就在此刻，因疼痛而大喊。
Ripping. Breaking. Agony.
抓取。破坏。痛苦。
“Get him out!” I screamed to Edward. Why hadn’t he done it yet? “He can’t breathe! Do it now!”
“让他出来！”我向爱德华尖叫着。为什么他到现在还没有动手？“他不能呼吸了！现在就做！”
I’d watched as my cup tilted, dark blood spilling out and staining the perfect white, and I’d lurched toward the accident reflexively. I’d seen the other, faster hands, but my body had continued to reach, to stretch… Inside me, something had yanked the opposite direction.
我想看看我的倾斜的杯子，深色的血液蔓延出来，染在完美的白色上，我突然本能地蹒跚着靠向那个。我想看看另一些，更快的手，但是我的身体在继续，将它拉向我，有些什么猛地朝相反的方向扯去。
The darkness had taken over, and then washed away to a wave of torture. I couldn’t breathe — I had drowned once before, and this was different; it was too hot in my throat.
漆黑交替着，冲破了痛苦的折磨。我不能呼吸——我以前曾淹死过一次，但这次感觉不同，我的喉咙灼热地燃烧。
“The placenta must have detached!”
“必须把胎盘分开。”
More blackness.
黑暗更浓了。
Jacob? Jacob, still here, still trying to save me.
雅各布？雅各布，仍旧在这，仍旧试着救我。
Black spots covered the light in the room as a cold point of new pain stabbed icily into my stomach. It felt wrong — I struggled automatically to protect my womb, my baby, my little Edward Jacob, but I was weak. My lungs ached, oxygen burned away.
当一个新的冰冷的箭头刺进我的腹部时，房间里黑暗覆盖了光亮。那错了——我下意识地保护我的腹部，我的孩子，我的小爱德华雅各布，但是我那么虚弱。我的肺在疼痛，氧气被灼烧掉。
The pain faded away again, though I clung to it now. My baby, my baby, dying…
疼痛再次消失，虽然我还在挣扎。我的孩子，我的孩子，正在死亡……
Of course, I wanted to tell him. Of course I would keep my heart beating. Hadn’t I promised them both?
当然，我想告诉他。我当然会保持着我的心跳跳动，我不是答应了他们两个吗？
“You stay with me now, Bella! Do you hear me? Stay! You’re not leaving me. Keep your heart beating!”
“现在你和我在一起，贝拉！你能听见我吗？坚持！你不会离开我的。保持你的心跳！”
I tried to feel my heart, to find it, but I was so lost inside my own body. I couldn’t feel the things I should, and nothing felt in the right place. I blinked and I found my eyes. I could see the light. Not what I was looking for, but better than nothing.
我试着去感受我的心跳，找到它，但我的身体已经迷失了。我感觉不到我应该要感觉的东西，感觉不到正确的地方。我闪烁着找到我的眼睛。我能看见灯光。这不是我寻找的，但总比什么都没有的好。
How long had passed? Seconds or minutes? The pain was gone. Numb. I couldn’t feel. I still couldn’t see, either, but I could hear. There was air in my lungs again, scraping in rough bubbles up and down my throat.
过去多久了？几秒或是几分？疼痛消失了。一切都麻木了。我没有知觉。我仍旧看不见，但是我能听见。有空气再次进入我的肺，勉强地上下摩擦着我的喉咙。
Renesmee?
蕾妮斯梅？
As my eyes struggled to adjust, Edward whispered, “Renesmee.”
当我的眼睛努力睁开时，爱德华低语。“蕾妮斯梅。”
Not the pale and perfect son of my imagination? I felt a moment of shock. And then a flood of warmth.
不是我幻想里苍白的完美的儿子？我感到有一刻震惊。然后是一股温暖。
Renesmee.
蕾妮斯梅。
“Let me… Give her to me.”
“让我……把她给我。”
The light danced, shattering off Edward’s crystal hands. The sparkles were tinged with red, with the blood that covered his skin. And more red in his hands.
灯光在雀跃，打破了爱德华水晶般的双手。闪耀的火花是淡红色的，合着他皮肤下的血液。更红的是在他的手中。
Something small and struggling, dripping with blood. He touched the warm body to my weak arms, almost like I was holding her. Her wet skin was hot — as hot as Jacob’s.
一个小小的东西在奋力挣扎，被血液浸透。他把这个温暖的身体伸向我虚弱的手臂，就差一点我就抓住它了。她的湿热的皮肤——就像雅各布的。
My eyes focused; suddenly everything was absolutely clear.
我的眼神集中，突然一切都变得清晰了。
Renesmee did not cry, but she breathed in quick, startled pants. Her eyes were open, her expression so shocked it was almost funny. The little, perfectly round head was covered in a thick layer of matted, bloody curls. Her irises were a familiar — but astonishing — chocolate brown. Under the blood, her skin looked pale, a creamy ivory. All besides her cheeks, which flamed with color.
蕾妮斯梅没有哭，但是她快速地呼吸着。她的眼睛睁着，她的惊愕的表情是那么有趣。这个小小的，圆圆的头被一层浓密的粗糙的带着血污的卷发包裹着，她的瞳孔很熟悉——但是很惊人——巧克力般的棕色。血液下，她的皮肤看起来苍白，是奶油般的象牙色。还有她两边的脸颊，是火焰一样的颜色。
I willed my lips to move, willed the bubbles of air to turn into whispers on my tongue. I forced my numb hands to reach.
我下意识地移动嘴唇，下意思地用我的舌头将空气中的气泡变成低语。我强迫自己伸出麻痹的双手。
She leaned her head down, against my chest, burrowing against the warmth. Her skin was warm and silky, but it didn’t give the way mine did.
她的脑袋倚在下面，靠在我的胸部上，那么温暖。她的皮肤温暖而光滑，但是没有像我的那样。
Her tiny face was so absolutely perfect that it stunned me. She was even more beautiful than her father. Unbelievable. Impossible.
她的小脸是那么的完美，让我很吃惊。她的美丽甚至超过了她的父亲。令人难以置信，简直是不可能。
Then there was pain again — just one warm slash of it. I gasped.
痛苦再次袭击——仅仅是一个温暖消减着。我喘着气。
“Renesmee,” I whispered. “So… beautiful.”
“蕾妮斯梅，”我小声地说。“真……美丽。”
And she was gone. My angel-faced baby was nowhere. I couldn’t see or feel her.
她离开了我。我的天使般的脸庞不在了。我不能看见她或者感觉她。
But the weakness was too much. My arms felt like empty rubber hoses for a moment, and then they felt like nothing at all. I couldn’t feel them. I couldn’t feel me.
但是我太虚弱了。我的手臂有一会儿就像空的橡胶，然后它们就不在像任何东西了。我再也感觉不到他们。我不能感觉到我自己。
The impossible face suddenly smiled — a wide, deliberate smile. Behind the shell-pink lips was a full complement of snowy milk teeth.
那个不可能的脸突然笑了——一个大大的，蓄意的笑容。在粉色的嘴唇下，是完整的雪白的乳牙。
No! I wanted to shout. Give her back to me!
不！我想要大声叫喊。把她还给我！
The blackness rushed over my eyes more solidly than before. Like a thick blindfold, firm and fast. Covering not just my eyes but also my self with a crushing weight. It was exhausting to push against it. I knew it would be so much easier to give in. To let the blackness push me down, down, down to a place where there was no pain and no weariness and no worry and no fear.
黑暗比以往更加牢固地包围着我，像一个厚厚的蒙眼布，坚固而快速。不仅包括的眼睛，还让我的身体变得沉重。反抗它是那么让人精疲力尽。我知道放弃是么容易。让黑暗推动我下降，下降，下降到一个地方，没有疼痛，没有疲倦，没有担忧，没有恐惧。
If it had only been for myself, I wouldn’t have been able to struggle very long. I was only human, with no more than human strength. I’d been trying to keep up with the supernatural for too long, like Jacob had said.
如果只是我自己。我就无法长时间进行斗争。我只是人，没有超过人的力量。我一直在试着跟上那些超自然的力量太久了，就像雅各布说的那样。
But this wasn’t just about me.
但这不只只是关于我的。
I kept pushing against the black, though, almost a reflex. I wasn’t trying to lift it. I was just resisting. Not allowing it to crush me completely. I wasn’t Atlas, and the black felt as heavy as a planet; I couldn’t shoulder it. All I could do was not be entirely obliterated.
我一直保持着抵抗黑暗，尽管，几乎只是一个条件反射。我没有试着让它消散。我只是抵抗，不让它将我完全地击溃。我不是地图集，承受不了这黑暗行星般的的压抑，我无法承担。我所有能做的仅仅是无法完全抹杀。
Edward. Edward. My life and his were twisted into a single strand. Cut one, and you cut both. If he were gone, I would not be able to live through that. If I were gone, he wouldn’t live through it, either. And a world without Edward seemed completely pointless. Edward had to exist.
爱德华。爱德华。我和他的生活被扭曲成一个单链。伤害一个，你就伤害了全部。如果他离开了，我将无法经历这些还能够活在世上。如果我离开了，他也同样无法经历这些活在世上。没有爱德华的世界似乎是完全没有意义的。爱德华必须存在。
If I did the easy thing now, let the black nothingness erase me, I would hurt them.
如果我现在做些容易的事，让黑暗离开我，我将会伤害他们。
Jacob — who’d said goodbye to me over and over but kept coming back when I needed him. Jacob, who I’d wounded so many times it was criminal. Would I hurt him again, the worst way yet? He’d stayed for me, despite everything. Now all he asked was that I stay for him.
雅各布——反复和我说再见却在我需要他的时候回来。雅各布，被我不道德地伤害了那么多次。我总是一次次地伤害他，这将是最坏的一次？他仍旧想为我留下，尽管经历了这一切。现在他所有的要求就是我为他而留下。
But it was so dark here that I couldn’t see either of their faces. Nothing seemed real. That made it hard not to give up.
但是这儿似乎太黒了，我不能看见任何一张他们的脸。似乎没有什么是真实的。这些让我努力不放弃。
I held the blackness of nonexistence at bay by inches.
我感受到虚无的黑暗中缓慢地低吠。
It had been enough up to this point. It would have to be enough today. I would endure this until help came.
这一点已经足够了。我将一直忍受着这种痛苦直至帮助到来。
It wasn’t enough, though — that determination. As the time ground on and on and the darkness gained by tiny eighths and sixteenths of my inches, I needed something more to draw strength from.
这还不够，即使——有这种决心。当黑暗慢慢滑过时，我还需要更多的东西，以汲取力量。
I knew Edward would be doing everything he could. He would not give up. Neither would I.
我知道爱德华会做所有一切他能做的。他不会放弃，我也一样。
It was sort of the pattern to my life — I’d never been strong enough to deal with the things outside my control, to attack the enemies or outrun them. To avoid the pain. Always human and weak, the only thing I’d ever been able to do was keep going. Endure. Survive.
这是我生命中的一种模式——我从来没有强大到应付在我控制之外的事，攻击敌人或从他们手里逃脱，为了避免痛苦。人类永远都是力量薄弱的，我唯一能做的事就是继续下去。持久，生存。
I couldn’t pull even Edward’s face into view. Not Jacob’s, not Alice’s or Rosalie’s or Charlie’s or Renee’s or Carlisle’s or Esme’s… Nothing. It terrified me, and I wondered if it was too late.
我无法睁开眼甚至是让爱德华的面孔出现在我的视野里。没有雅各布的，没有爱丽丝的，或者罗莎莉的，又或是卡莱尔，埃斯梅……一切都没有。这吓坏了我，我想知道是否一切都太晚了。
I felt myself slipping — there was nothing to hold on to.
我感到自己渐渐模糊——这没有什么让我能够坚持。
No! I had to survive this. Edward was depending on me. Jacob. Charlie Alice Rosalie Carlisle Renee Esme Renesmee…
不！我必须活下来。爱德华就是依靠。雅各布，卡莱尔，爱丽丝，罗莎莉，埃斯梅，蕾妮斯梅……
My baby. My little nudger.
我的孩子。我用手肘轻轻地推。
I had done it. Against the odds, I had been strong enough to survive Renesmee, to hold on to her until she was strong enough to live without me.
我做到了。反抗着奇怪感，为了蕾妮斯梅我已经足以强大，为她而坚持直到她强大到不再需要我也可以去生存。
That spot of heat in my phantom arms felt so real. I clutched it closer. It was exactly where my heart should be. Holding tight the warm memory of my daughter, I knew that I would be able to fight the darkness as long as I needed to.
我幽灵般的手臂上的激发是那么真实。我紧紧地抓住。这正是我的心脏应该跳动的地方。我牢牢抓住我女儿的那温暖的记忆，我知道我能够足够长时间地打败黑暗，只要我需要。
The warmth beside my heart got more and more real, warmer and warmer. Hotter. The heat was so real it was hard to believe that I was imagining it.
在我心脏边的温暖越来越真实，越来越温暖，炎热。我难以相信这种炎热是我想象中的那么得真实。
Uncomfortable now. Too hot. Much, much too hot.
现在不太舒服了。太热了。真的太热了。
And then, though I still couldn’t see anything, suddenly I could feel something. Like phantom limbs, I imagined I could feel my arms again. And in them, something small and hard and very, very warm.
然后，虽然我仍旧无法看见东西，可是突然我能够感觉到一些什么。幽灵一样的四肢，我猜我又能感觉到我的手臂了。在这基础上，一些小小的的，艰难的，非常非常温暖的。
Hotter.
越来越温暖。
Like grabbing the wrong end of a curling iron — my automatic response was to drop the scorching thing in my arms. But there was nothing in my arms. My arms were not curled to my chest. My arms were dead things lying somewhere at my side. The heat was inside me.
就像错抓住了一个熨斗的底部——我下意思的反应就是放开手臂里的这个炙热的东西。但是我的手臂里什么也没有。我的手臂没有蜷在我的胸前。我的手臂无知觉的搁在我身边的什么地方。热量是来自我的身体内部。
James, snapping my leg under his foot. That was nothing. That was a soft place to rest on a feather bed. I’d take that now, a hundred times. A hundred snaps. I’d take it and be grateful.
詹姆斯，在他的脚下猛烈地咬住我的腿。这没什么。这只是羽毛铺盖上一个柔软的地方休息。我现在会考虑的，一百次，一百次撕咬。我将顺从然后给予感谢。
The burning grew — rose and peaked and rose again until it surpassed anything I’d ever felt.
燃烧滋长着——绽放，尖锐，绽放，直到已经超过了我曾感受过的。
The fire blazed hotter and I wanted to scream. To beg for someone to kill me now, before I lived one more second in this pain. But I couldn’t move my lips. The weight was still there, pressing on me.
闪耀的火焰越来越热，我想要尖叫。我现在乞求有谁可以杀死我，赶在我在这些痛苦中多活一会儿之前。干我不能移动我的嘴唇。重量仍然存在，压迫着我。
The baby, kicking my ribs apart, breaking her way through me piece by piece. That was nothing. That was floating in a pool of cool water. I’d take it a thousand times. Take it and be grateful.
那个孩子，踢断我的肋骨，以她的方式一点点通过我毁坏她自己。这没什么。那是一池冰凉的水中的漂白剂。我可以一千次这样。顺从然后给予感谢。
I felt the pulse behind the fire raging now in my chest and realized that I’d found my heart again, just in time to wish I never had. To wish that I’d embraced the blackness while I’d still had the chance. I wanted to raise my arms and claw my chest open and rip the heart from it — anything to get rid of this torture. But I couldn’t feel my arms, couldn’t move one vanished finger.
现在我感到火焰之后的脉搏是在我胸腔里是那样痛苦，我意识到我又找到我的心脏了，仅仅是希望我不曾有过。希望当我能够抓住机会时再次拥抱黑暗。我想提起我的手臂撕开我的胸腔，从这里撕毁我的心脏——任何能够撕毁的折磨。但是我感觉不到我的手臂，不能移动已经消失不见的手指。
The morphine.
吗啡。
Why couldn’t I move? Why couldn’t I scream? This wasn’t part of the stories.
为什么我不能移动？为什么我不能尖叫？这不是小说的情节。
I realized it wasn’t the darkness holding me down; it was my body. So heavy. Burying me in the flames that were chewing their way out from my heart now, spreading with impossible pain through my shoulders and stomach, scalding their way up my throat, licking at my face.
我意识到不是黑暗压抑着我，是我自己的身体。那么沉重。将我埋葬在火焰之中，咬破我的心脏将它们自己释放，以难以自信的疼痛来填满我的肩膀和腹部，以它们的方式熨烫我的喉咙，猛烈舔着我的脸。
My mind was unbearably clear — sharpened by the fierce pain — and I saw the answer almost as soon as I could form the questions.
我的感觉不堪忍受那些清晰——强烈的痛苦的锋利感——我几乎在发问的同一时刻很快看见了答案。
I’d kept my face smooth and nodded and thanked my rarely lucky stars that Edward could not read my mind.
我保持着我的脸平缓，迷糊，以及暗自庆幸爱德华没有读到我的思想。
Because I’d had morphine and venom together in my system before, and I knew the truth. I knew the numbness of the medicine was completely irrelevant while the venom seared through my veins. But there’d been no way I was going to mention that fact.
因为在毒液和马啡进入到我的身体之前，我就已经知道事实了。我知道当毒液通过我肌肤的每一寸纹理灼烧着我时，那些药品所带来的麻醉完全不相关。但是我没有想到我会提及这一事实。
It seemed like a million deaths ago that we’d discussed it — Edward, Carlisle, and I. Edward and Carlisle had hoped that enough painkillers would help fight the pain of the venom. Carlisle had tried with Emmett, but the venom had burned ahead of the medicine, sealing his veins. There hadn’t been time for it to spread.
这似乎像我们以前讨论的一百次死亡——爱德华，卡莱尔，还有我。爱德华和卡莱尔希望有足够的止痛药用来帮助制止痛苦。卡莱尔曾试图用在埃美特身上，但毒液在药物发作之前就燃烧了，传遍了他的经脉。没有时间使它能够持续。
I knew all the stories. I knew that Carlisle had kept quiet enough to avoid discovery while he burned. I knew that, according to Rosalie, it did no good to scream. And I’d hoped that maybe I could be like Carlisle. That I would believe Rosalie’s words and keep my mouth shut. Because I knew that every scream that escaped my lips would torment Edward.
我知道所有的故事。我知道当卡莱尔在燃烧的时候会保持足够安静避免被发现。我知道那些，通过罗莎莉，尖叫并没有什么帮助。我希望也许我能够像卡莱尔一样。我相信罗莎莉的话，保持着我的嘴巴一声不吭。因为我知道所有从我嘴边溜走的尖叫声都会折磨着爱德华。
I hadn’t guessed that the morphine would have this effect — that it would pin me down and gag me. Hold me paralyzed while I burned.
我没有想到吗啡会有会带来这种效果——它会使我固定不动，将我塞得紧紧的。当我在燃烧的时候将我麻痹。
If I couldn’t scream, how could I tell them to kill me?
如果我不能叫喊，我该怎样叫他们杀了我呢？
Let me die, let me die, let me die.
让我死，让我死，让我死。
Nothing that would make him more unwilling to change me.
没有什么会使他更不情愿改变我。
Now it seemed like a hideous joke that I was getting my wish fulfilled.
现在，这似乎像一个可怕地玩笑，我让我的愿望实现了。
All I wanted was to die. To never have been born. The whole of my existence did not outweigh this pain. Wasn’t worth living through it for one more heartbeat.
我想要的全部就是死亡。从未初始化呢个。我所有的生存都不能超过这些痛苦。不值得通过这些为了一个心跳而生存。
And, for a never-ending space, that was all there was. Just the fiery torture, and my soundless shrieks, pleading for death to come. Nothing else, not even time. So that made it infinite, with no beginning and no end. One infinite moment of pain.
一段无止境的时间，这就是这里的全部。仅仅是火焰般的酷刑，我无声的尖叫，恳求死亡的到来。没有别的，甚至没有时间了。以至于那么得无边无际，没有开始，也没有收尾。一个无限痛苦的时刻。
I could feel the control of my body come back to me in increments, and those increments were my first markers of the time passing. I knew it when I was able to twitch my toes and twist my fingers into fists. I knew it, but I did not act on it.
我能够感到我对于身体的控制力渐渐回来了，这些力量是时间推移的第一个标志。我知道此时我能够颤动我的脚趾并使我的手指握成拳头。我知道，但我并没有马上采取行动。
The endless burn raged on.
无止境的火焰极度燃烧着。
It could have been seconds or days, weeks or years, but, eventually, time came to mean something again.
可能已经被烧了几天了，几个星期甚至几年，但是，最终，时间的到来意味着什么再次发生。
Three things happened together, grew from each other so that I didn’t know which came first: time restarted, the morphine’s weight faded, and I got stronger.
三件事同时发生，纠结在一起使我不知道先考虑哪个：时间重新开始，马啡的重量消失，我变得越来越强壮了。
The only change came when suddenly, impossibly, my pain was doubled. The lower half of my body, deadened since before the morphine, was suddenly on fire, too. Some broken connection had been healed — knitted together by the scorching fingers of the flame.
突然，唯一的改变，无法想象的，我的痛苦又增加了一倍。我在马啡起作用前就麻木了的下半部分身体，也突然像在火里一样燃烧。一些被破坏的结构似乎在愈合——火焰般极热的手指缝在一起。
Though the fire did not decrease one tiny degree — in fact, I began to develop a new capacity for experiencing it, a new sensitivity to appreciate, separately, each blistering tongue of flame that licked through my veins — I discovered that I could think around it.
即使火焰没有减少到一个很小的程度——事实上，我开始显影出一种新的能力去感受它，一种新的敏感度去体会，每一处酷热的火舌通过我的皮肤舔舐着我——我发现我可以感受到周围了。
I could remember why I shouldn’t scream. I could remember the reason why I’d committed to enduring this unendurable agony. I could remember that, though it felt impossible now, there was something that might be worth the torture.
我能记起为什么我要尖叫。我能记起我要极力忍受这些无尽痛苦的原因。我能够记起那些，即使现在已经觉得是不可能了，有一些什么是值得这些酷刑的。
My hearing got clearer and clearer, and I could count the frantic, pounding beats of my heart to mark the time.
我的听觉越来越清晰，我可以计算出我的心脏发疯的不住拍打的跳动次数。
I had just enough strength to lie there unmoving while I was charred alive.
当我还活着的时候我又足够的力量躺在废墟之中。
This happened just in time for me to hold on when the weights left my body. To anyone watching me, there would be no change. But for me, as I struggled to keep the screams and thrashing locked up inside my body, where they couldn’t hurt anyone else, it felt like I’d gone from being tied to the stake as I burned, to gripping that stake to hold myself in the fire.
当重量离开我时这些发生的仅仅是及时让我等了一会。对于每一个监视着我的人，将不会有任何改变。但是对于我，在他们不能伤害任何一个人的地方，我奋力搏斗保持把这些尖叫和折磨锁在我的身体里，这就像当我在燃烧时自己从被捆在火焰里的绳子里逃脱出来。
I could count the shallow breaths that gasped through my teeth.
我可以计算我自己微弱的呼吸和喘气。
I could count the low, even breaths that came from somewhere close beside me. These moved slowest, so I concentrated on them. They meant the most time passing. More even than a clock’s pendulum, those breaths pulled me through the burning seconds toward the end.
我能够计算那些微弱的声音甚至是某些靠近我的呼吸，这些缓慢的移动，只要我把注意力放在他们身上。他们意味着时间的推移，甚至比钟摆还要缓慢，这些呼吸让我通过了火焰般的燃烧。
Pressure on my fingers. It was harder not to answer this voice, but I stayed paralyzed. I knew that the pain in his voice now was nothing compared to what it could be. Right now he only feared that I was suffering.
我的手上感到了压力。不去回应这声音变得更难了，但我仍瘫痪着。我明白此刻他声音中的痛苦已无以加复。现在他只是担忧着我所经受的痛苦。
“I know.”
“我知道。”
“There’s no scent of the morphine left.”
“没有吗啡的气味留下。”
“Bella? Can you hear me?”
“贝拉？你能听见我吗？”
There were light footsteps, the whisper of air stirred by an opening door. The footsteps got closer, and I felt pressure against the inside of my wrist. I couldn’t feel the coolness of the fingers. The fire blistered away every memory of cool.
有些很轻的脚步声，空气中一些低声絮语从开着的门传来。脚步声靠近了，我感到一种压迫感在我的手腕上。我不能感觉到冰凉的手指。灼热的气泡被每一处凉爽的记忆带走。
“Bella? Bella, love? Can you open your eyes? Can you squeeze my hand?”
“贝拉？贝拉？亲爱的？你能睁开眼睛吗？你能捏一下我的手吗？”
“Maybe… Carlisle, maybe I was too late.” His voice was muffled; it broke on the word late.
“或许……卡莱尔，或许我是太迟了。”他的声音低沉，说出迟这个字时改变了音调。
I knew, beyond all doubt, that if I unlocked my teeth I would lose it — I would shriek and screech and writhe and thrash. If I opened my eyes, if I so much as twitched a finger — any change at all would be the end of my control.
我清楚明白，并毫不怀疑，一旦我张开牙齿，我便会失去它——我会尖叫着翻来覆去。如果我睁开了双眼，如果我仅仅只是弯动手指——任何改变终究都会使我失去控制。
The lightest pressure, breath against my scorched skin.
光线压迫过来，一阵气息吹拂在我被烧焦的皮肤上。
“Still no change?”
“仍然没有变化吗？”
“None.”
“没有。”
I continued to get stronger, my thoughts clearer. When new noises came, I could listen.
我愈加变得强壮，我的思绪变得清晰。当新的声音传来时，我能够听见。
My resolve wavered for a second.
我的信念有那么一秒动摇了。
“And her — her spine?”
“那么，她的脊椎呢？”
Faint pressure inside the crease of my elbow. Another whisper. “Bella, I love you. Bella, I’m sorry.”
我的肘部感受到轻微的压力。他再次对我耳语：“贝拉，我爱你。贝拉，对不起。”
“We don’t know that. She had so much morphine in her system. We don’t know the effect that will have on her experience.”
“我们不能确定，在她体内残留了太多的吗啡。我们不知道这会对她的经历产生什么影响。”
“But she’s so still. I must have done something wrong.”
“但她仍这样，我一定做错了什么。”
A broken whisper. “She must be in agony.”
别再去责怪自己了。贝拉正在好转。”
Through all this, the racking fire went right on burning me. But there was so much space in my head now. Room to ponder their conversation, room to remember what had happened, room to look ahead to the future, with still endless room left over to suffer in.
通过这一切，痛苦的火焰燃烧了我。但是但是现在我的脑子里有那么大的空间，能够去考虑他们的谈话，能够记起发生了什么，能够预测未来，还有一些无止境的空间留给了疼痛。
I wanted so much to answer him, but I wouldn’t make his pain worse. Not while I had the strength to hold myself still.
我多想回答他，但我不会使他的痛苦变得更糟。不，我仍旧拥有控制自己的力量。
“Listen to her heart, Edward. It’s stronger than even Emmett’s was. I’ve never heard anything so vital. She’ll be perfect.”
“听听她的心跳，爱德华。它甚至比埃美特的还强壮。我从未听到过如此充满生机的东西。她会非常好的。”
“Or something right, Edward. Son, you did everything I could have and more. I’m not sure I would have had the persistence, the faith it took to save her. Stop berating yourself. Bella is going to be fine.”
“或者做对了什么，爱德华，儿子。你已经做了我能做到的一切，甚至做了更多。我不确定我能有拯救她的信念与执着。
Yes, I was right to keep quiet. Carlisle would reassure him. He didn’t need to suffer with me.
是的，我保持安静是对的。卡莱尔会使他安心的，他不需要因我受苦。
“Her injuries weren’t so much worse than Esme’s. The venom will heal her as it did Esme.”
“她的伤并没有埃斯梅的严重。毒液会像治愈埃斯梅那样治愈她的。”
Ten thousand, nine hundred forty-three breaths later, a different set of footsteps whispered into the room. Lighter. More… rhythmic.
一万九百四十三次后，一个不同的脚步声轻轻进入房间。之后。更多的……韵律。
One low, strained chuckle. “I’m sure she’ll surprise me. She always does.”
一个低沉的不自然的轻笑。“我肯定她会让我惊奇。她总是这样。”
“I’m sure, between the five of us, we can keep it from turning into bloodshed.”
“我确信，在我们五个当中，我们会保证不让它变成一个虐杀物。”
“I’ll deal with it later. We’ll deal with it.” Something pressed softly to my blistering palm.
“我稍后会解决的。我们将解决它。”有些什么轻柔地靠近我酷热的手掌。
Also room to worry.
仍旧有空间去担忧。
“No, I’m staying right here,” Edward whispered, answering an unspoken thought. “They’ll sort it out.”
“不，我就呆在这，”爱德华低语，脱口而出。“他们会解决的。”
I went back to counting Edward’s breaths to mark the time.
我重新花时间去计算爱德华的气息。
“An interesting situation,” Carlisle responded. “And I’d thought I’d seen just about everything.”
“一个有趣的形式，”卡莱尔答复。“我认为我会看见几乎一切。”
Where was my baby? Why wasn’t she here? Why weren’t they talking about her?
我的孩子在哪？为什么她不再这？为什么他们不谈谈她？
“I wonder what Bella will think — whose side she’ll take,” Carlisle mused.
“我想知道贝拉会怎么想——她将采取的方案。”卡莱尔沉思道。
Carlisle’s footsteps faded away again, and I was frustrated that there was no further explanation. Were they talking so mysteriously just to annoy me?
卡莱尔的脚步声渐渐远去，我对于没有更多的解释而感到失望。他们那么神秘的谈话只是为了干扰我？
Edward sighed. “I don’t know which side to take. I’d love to flog them both. Well, later.”
爱德华叹气：“我不知道采取哪一种方案。我喜欢折磨它们。好吧，之后。”
“Of course she is.”
“那是当然。”
“I couldn’t see right two days ago. But now that she’s free of all the blind spots, it’s a piece of cake.”
“两天前我可不能保证。显示现在她不再生死未卜了，这是一件轻松的事。”
“Right. Bella’s almost too easy to see now.”
“没错。现在贝拉似乎太容易了而看不见。”
“Focus, Alice.”
“看清楚，爱丽丝。”
“Yes, thanks so much for bringing it up,” she grumbled. “You would be mortified, too, if you realized that you were handcuffed by your own nature. I see vampires best, because I am one; I see humans okay, because I was one. But I can’t see these odd half — breeds at all because they’re nothing I’ve experienced. Bah!”
“是的，感谢把它带到楼上，”她抱怨道。“你也会被伤害的，如果你意识到你被自己的同类拷上了手链。我能看见吸血鬼的好，因为我就是一个，我也能看见人类的好，因为我曾是一个。但我不能看见那些奇怪的混种因为它们不再我的经验之内。算了吧！”
“How much longer?” Edward asked.
“还要多久？”爱德华问道。
“Could you concentrate for me? On the clock — give me an estimate.”
“你能为了我专心一点吗？看着钟——给我一个大概。”
“She’s really going to be fine,” he breathed.
“她真的正在好转。”他呼吸道。
“You weren’t so sanguine two days ago.”
“你两天前可不是这么乐观。”
There was a long moment of silence, and then Edward sighed. It was a new sound, happier.
接下来是长时间的沉默，然后爱德华叹了口气。这是一个新的声音，愉快的。
“Still feeling a little bitter?”
“只是感到好一点了吗？”
“It won’t be long now,” Alice told him. “See how clear she’s becoming? I can see her so much better.” She sighed.
“不会很长了，”爱丽丝告诉他。“看见她变得多清晰了吗？我能看见她觉得好多了。”她叹气道。
Strange that I could distinguish the minute differences between footsteps that I’d never been able to hear at all before today.
很奇怪在一步的瞬间差异内我感到剧痛，在今天之前我听不到声音。
Alice sighed. “So impatient. Fine. Give me a sec –“
爱丽丝叹了口气。“那么不耐烦。好吧。给我一个——”
Quiet breathing.
安静的呼吸声。
How long? Couldn’t they at least say it aloud for me? Was that too much to ask? How many more seconds would I burn? Ten thousand? Twenty? Another day — eighty-six thousand, four hundred? More than that?
多久？至少他们就不能大声地说给我听吗？这是一个很过分的要求吗？我还要燃烧多少秒？一万？二十万？另一天——八万六千四百？或者更多？
“Thank you, Alice.” His voice was brighter.
“谢谢，爱丽丝。”他的声音愉快得多了。
Downstairs, someone was watching a ball game. The Mariners were winning by two runs.
在楼下，有人在观看球赛。有选手赢了两分。
“She’s going to be dazzling.”
“她将会令人眼花缭乱。”
Alice snorted. “You know what I mean. Look at her.”
爱丽丝喷着鼻气。“你知道我的意思。看看她。”
Edward growled quietly. “She always has been.”
爱德华低声咆哮：“她一直都是。”
Edward didn’t answer, but Alice’s words gave me hope that maybe I didn’t resemble the charcoal briquette I felt like. It seemed as if I must be just a pile of charred bones by now. Every cell in my body had been razed to ash.
爱德华没有回答，但是爱丽丝的给了我一个希望，也许我没有类似于我所设想的碳饼那样。好像我就必须是一堆焦炭似的，我体内每一个细胞都要化为灰烬。
I heard Alice breeze out of the room. I heard the swish of the fabric she moved, rubbing against itself. I heard the quiet buzz of the light hanging from the ceiling. I heard the faint wind brushing against the outside of the house. I could hear everything.
我听见爱丽丝微风似得出了房间。在她移动时我听见她身上摩擦时沙沙的织物声。我听见掉在天花板上的灯发出嗡嗡声。我听见微弱的气流摩擦着房子外围。我能听见一切。
My heartbeat, already too fast, picked up — the fire drove its rhythm to a new frantic pace.
我的心跳，已经太快了，一直加快——火焰打破了它的韵律使其疯狂。
“It’s my turn,” I heard Rosalie snap at someone, and there was a low snarl in response.
“该轮到我的。”我听见罗莎莉严厉地对谁说道，然后回答声里有微弱的咆哮。
Twenty-one thousand, nine hundred seventeen and a half seconds later, the pain changed.
两万一千九百一十七零半秒之后，痛苦改变了。
I listened for more, but there was nothing but the game. Baseball was not interesting enough to distract me from the pain, so I listened to Edward’s breathing again, counting the seconds.
我想听到更多，但是除了比赛没别的了。棒球还没有足够大的兴趣分散我的疼痛，所以我又重新听着爱德华的呼吸声，计算着次数。
How was that possible?
可能会怎样发生？
“Hey, now,” Emmett cautioned.
“嘿，现在。”埃美特小心警告。
“Carlisle,” Edward called. His voice was low but clear. I knew that Carlisle would hear it, if he were in or near the house.
“卡莱尔，”爱德华叫道。他的声音低沉但是清晰。我知道卡莱尔会听见，如果他离房子足够进。
Someone hissed.
有人发出嘶嘶声。
And then the bad news. The fire in my throat wasn’t the same as before. I wasn’t only on fire, but I was now parched, too. Dry as bone. So thirsty. Burning fire, and burning thirst…
然后，坏的一方面，我咽喉中的火焰不再像之前那样。我没有在火里，但是我仍旧感到炎热。如此干渴，如此饥饿。火焰在燃烧，燃烧着饥渴……
Also bad news: The fire inside my heart got hotter.
同样坏的是：我喉咙里的灼热更加严重了。
On the good-news side of things, it started to fade from my fingertips and toes. Fading slowly, but at least it was doing something new. This had to be it. The pain was on its way out…
从好的一方面来说，它正逐渐从我的手指脚趾上消失。慢慢衰弱，但在最后有些新的什么。那一定是它，疼痛的出路……
What? No. No! What did he mean, keep my baby away? What was he thinking?
什么？不！不！他是什么意思，把我的孩子拿开？他在想什么？
My relief at his words was overshadowed by the excruciating pain in my heart.
对于他的话我所感到的宽慰被我的心脏里极度的疼痛所覆盖。
“Listen,” Edward told them.
“听。”爱德华告诉他们。
“Yes — keep the baby away.”
“是的——把婴儿拿开。”
“Soon,” Alice agreed eagerly. “I’ll get the others. Should I have Rosalie…?”
“马上，”爱丽丝迫切赞同道。“我会通知其他人。要告诉罗莎莉……？”
My fingers twitched — the irritation breaking through my perfect facade. The room went silent besides the jack-hammering of my heart as they all stopped breathing for a second in response.
我的手指抽动着——愤怒冲破了我完美的外观。当他们停止呼吸等待着答案时房间很安静，除了我悸动的心跳。
My wrists were free, though, and my ankles. The fire was totally extinguished there.
然而我的手腕是空的，还有脚踝。火焰已经完全烧毁了那儿。
The loudest sound in the room was my frenzied heart, pounding to the rhythm of the fire.
房间里最响的声音是来自于我狂乱的心跳，在火中重重地敲打着。
“Ah,” Carlisle said. “It’s almost over.”
“哈，”卡莱尔说。“这基本上结束了。”
Carlisle entered the room, Alice at his side. Their footsteps were so distinct, I could even tell that Carlisle was on the right, and a foot ahead of Alice.
卡莱尔进入了房间，爱丽丝在他身边。他们的脚步完全不同，我甚至能说出卡莱尔是在右边，在爱丽丝的一步之前。
The fire retreated from my palms, leaving them blissfully pain-free and cool. But it retreated to my heart, which blazed hot as the sun and beat at a furious new speed.
火焰从我的手掌中撤开，留下逐渐冷却的感觉。但是他们撤上了我的心脏，像太阳般猛烈地燃烧，以一种狂乱的韵律击打着。
Could I answer him without screaming? I considered that for a moment, and then the fire ripped hotter still through my chest, draining in from my elbows and knees. Better not to chance it.
我能回答他而不尖叫吗？我仔细系那个了一会儿，然后火焰通过我的胸腔，更加灼热地从我的手肘和膝盖流出。最好不要给它机会。
And then — oh!
然后——哦！
A hand squeezed my wayward fingers. “Bella? Bella, love?”
一只手捏着我的手指。“贝拉？贝拉，亲爱的？”
“I’ll bring them right up,” Alice said, an urgent edge to her tone, and I heard the swish of wind as she darted away.
“我会让他们各就各位的。”爱丽丝说道，急迫的语气怪哉嘴边，当她飞奔着逃走时我听见了风中的窸窣声。
It became a battle inside me — my sprinting heart racing against the attacking fire. Both were losing. The fire was doomed, having consumed everything that was combustible; my heart galloped toward its last beat.
我的身体北部演变成了一场战争——我的急速奔跑的心脏和和进攻的火焰挣抢着时间。两个都失去了。火焰是注定的，烧毁一切可燃物，我的心脏在最后的节拍中向它靠近。
My heart took off, beating like helicopter blades, the sound almost a single sustained note; it felt like it would grind through my ribs. The fire flared up in the center of my chest, sucking the last remnants of the flames from the rest of my body to fuel the most scorching blaze yet. The pain was enough to stun me, to break through my iron grip on the stake. My back arched, bowed as if the fire was dragging me upward by my heart.
我的心飞起来了，像直升机直板那样撞击着，这声音似乎一直持续，就像是在绞碎我肋骨。火焰突然在我的胸腔中央爆发起来，从我身体余下的部分吸吮着火舌最后的残余冉少成最大的火焰。疼痛足以击败我，在邢柱上通过锁链折断我。我的背躬着，似乎是被火焰拖曳着我的心脏上升。
I allowed no other piece of my body to break rank as my torso slumped back to the table.
当我的躯体下跌在席位上时我似乎没有了身体的的其他部分。
There was no sound. No breathing. Not even mine.
没有声音。没有呼吸。甚至没有我自己。
For a moment, the absence of pain was all I could comprehend.
一会儿之后，所有我能感知的痛苦瞬间离去。
And then I opened my eyes and gazed above me in wonder.
然后我睁开眼睛，凝视着上方我想要知道的一切。
The fire constricted, concentrating inside that one remaining human organ with a final, unbearable surge. The surge was answered by a deep, hollow-sounding thud. My heart stuttered twice, and then thudded quietly again just once more.
火焰收缩着，以一个最后的，难以仍受的促使聚集在一个躯体的残余中。奔放的情感以一个深深地空心的重击回答。我的心脏再次哽住，然后安静地一次次被重击。
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