Edward met my gaze evenly. His expression was calm, but the pain in his eyes was unconcealed.
爱德华平静地直视我的眼神，他的表情很平静，但是他眼中的痛苦表露无遗。
“Yes. I don’t think the space heater will be necessary today.”
“是的，我认为今天不会需要空间加热器了。”
Edward smiled. “Did you want me to take his arms all the way off?”
爱德华微笑道：“你想要我把他的胳膊都拿掉吗？”
“Is it any warmer out there?” I whispered.
“外面有没有暖和一些？”我问道。
I tried to get to the zipper, but I couldn’t free my arms. I strained, fighting against Jacob’s inert strength. Jacob muttered, still fast asleep, his arms constricting again.
我试着拉拉链，但是我没办法挪动我的胳膊，我绷紧抵抗雅各布的惯性。雅各布低声咕哝着还是在酣睡，他的胳膊又收缩了。
Edward unzipped the sleeping bag in a swift, abrupt movement. Jacob fell out, his bare back hitting the icy floor of the tent.
爱德华敏捷而生硬地拉开睡袋的拉链。雅各布掉了出来，他赤裸的后背撞在帐篷冰冷的地面上。
“Some help?” I asked quietly.
“帮帮我？”我轻轻地问道。
I squirmed, unable to loosen his hold, struggling to lift my head enough to see…
我蠕动了一下，无法挣脱他的控制，我挣扎着把头抬得足够高去看……
“No, thank you. Just get me free. I’m going to get heat stroke.”
“不，谢谢。只是让我出来，我要中暑了。”
I pulled my head away from his feverishly warm chest and felt the sting of the cold morning on my clammy cheek. Jacob sighed in his sleep; his arms tightened unconsciously.
我从他犹如发烧一样温暖的胸膛上移开了头，感到寒冷的清晨刺疼了我湿漉漉、黏糊糊的脸庞。雅各布在睡梦中叹息，他的胳膊下意识地把我抱得更紧了。
When I woke up in the morning, It was very bright — even inside the tent, the sunlight hurt my eyes. And I was sweating, as Jacob had predicted. Jacob was snoring lightly in my ear, his arms still wrapped around me.
当我早上醒来的时候，天气非常晴朗——即便躺在帐篷里面，阳光仍然刺痛了我的眼睛。而且我还在流汗，正如雅各布所预计的。雅各布在我耳旁轻轻地打着呼噜，他的胳膊仍然紧紧地抱着我。
“Stop it, stop it!” I yelled, scrambling awkwardly to put myself between them. The space was so small that I didn’t have to stretch far to put one hand on each of their chests. Edward wrapped his hand around my waist, ready to yank me out of the way.
“停下来，停下来！”我大声叫道，慌乱地爬到他们之间。空间如此之小，我根本不需要伸长胳膊把手搭在他们俩的胸口上。爱德华用他的手抓住我的手腕，准备把我拉到一旁。
The growling erupted from all around. Edward was crouching in front of me, and I couldn’t see his face, but the snarls were ripping angrily out of his chest. Jacob was half-crouched, too, his whole body quivering, while growls rumbled through his clenched teeth. Outside the tent, Seth Clearwater’s vicious snarls echoed off the rocks.
咆哮的声音从四面八方传了过来。爱德华蹲在我面前，我看不见他的脸，但是他的胸膛生气地起伏不定，一阵阵怒吼从中传了出来。雅各布也半蹲着，他整个身体都在颤抖，咆哮声轰隆隆地从他紧闭的牙齿缝中传出来。帐篷外面，塞思。克里尔沃特不怀好意的怒吼在岩石上回荡起伏。
“Hey!” he complained, his eyes flying open. Instinctively, he flinched away from the cold, rolling onto me. I gasped as his weight knocked the breath out of me.
“嘿！”他抱怨道，眼睛倏地睁开了。出于本能，他躲避开冰冷的地方朝我滚过来。他的体重压得我喘不过气来，我大口地喘着粗气。
And then his weight was gone. I felt the impact as Jacob flew into one of the tent poles and the tent shuddered.
接着他的体重消失了，雅各布飞到一根帐篷柱子上使帐篷不停地抖动起来，我感觉到他巨大的影响力。
Under my touch, Jacob began to calm himself. The shaking slowed, but his teeth were still bared, his eyes furiously focused on Edward. Seth continued to growl, a long unbroken sound, a violent background to the sudden silence in the tent.
在我的触碰下，雅各布开始让自己平静下来。他颤抖的速度慢了下来，但是他的牙齿还是裸露在外，眼睛凶猛地盯着爱德华。塞思还在咆哮，那是一声没有间断的长鸣，帐篷里陡然安静下来，他的声音因此成为一种非常猛烈的背景音。
“Stop it, now,” I warned him.
“停下来，马上。”我警告他。
“Jacob has a fur coat,” Edward hinted.
“雅各布有皮袄。”爱德华暗示道。
It was still cold, though not as cold as it had been. I curled my arms around my chest.
天还是很冷，尽管没有之前那么冷了，我用胳膊护着胸口。
I turned to Edward. He was looking at me, his expression hard and angry. “That wasn’t nice. You should say sorry.”
我转向爱德华。他看着我”表情冷漠而生气：“那可不友好，你应该道歉。”
“I’ll just use the sleeping bag again, if you don’t mind.” Jacob ignored him, climbing around us and sliding into the down bag. “I wasn’t quite ready to wake up. That wasn’t the best night’s sleep I ever had.”
“我准备再用一下睡袋，如果你不介意的话，”雅各布没理会他，从我们身边绕着爬过去，滑进了睡袋，“我还没怎么睡醒，那不是我曾有过的最好的睡眠。”
Edward groaned, revolted. Slowly, he looked up to glare at Jacob with hostile eyes. “My apologies, dog.”
爱德华发出嘎吱嘎吱的声音，表示反感。慢慢地，他抬起头愤怒地看着雅各布，双眼充满敌视：“我道歉，狗。”
“Jacob?” I asked, waiting until he finally dropped his glare to look at me. “Are you hurt?”
“雅各布？”我问道，直到他终于放弃怒目而视，低下头看着我，“你受伤了吗？”
“Here,” Edward said, calm again. He took the parka off the floor and wrapped it over the top of my coat.
“接着。”爱德华说道，他又平静下来了。他拾起地上的派克式外套，裹在我的外套上面。
“Of course not!” he hissed.
“当然没有！”他嘘声反对道。
“Because you dumped him on the floor! He didn’t do it on purpose, and he didn’t hurt me.”
“因为你把他扔在地上了！他不是故意这么做的，他没伤害我。”
His eyes widened in disgust. “You must be joking — he was crushing you!”
他的眼睛厌恶地睁得很大：“你肯定是在开玩笑——他差点压扁你。”
“That’s Jacob’s,” I objected.
“那是雅各布的。”我反对道。
“No harm done,” Jacob said, a taunting edge to his voice.
“没造成什么损害。”雅各布说道，声音里夹杂着嘲弄的语气。
I elbowed Edward in the ribs — probably giving myself a bruise.
我用胳膊肘戳了戳爱德华的肋骨——很可能擦伤了自己。
Jacob’s dark eyes fluttered open. “Didn’t you have a nice night, then?” he asked, smug.
雅各布的黑眼睛猛地睁开了，“那么，难道你晚上过得不好？”他沾沾自喜地问道。
I winced, wondering what might have come out of my mouth in my sleep. The possibilities were horrifying.
我退缩了，想知道我睡觉的时候嘴巴里又冒出些什么话来。种种可能性都很吓人。
Jacob was curled up, his eyes already closed. He yawned. “I didn’t say it wasn’t the best night I’ve ever spent. Just that I didn’t get a lot of sleep. I thought Bella was never going to shut up.”
雅各布蜷缩起来，眼睛已经闭上了，他打了个哈欠：“我又没有说这不是我度过的最美好的夜晚，只是我还没有睡够。我以为贝拉永远都不会闭嘴的。”
“Possibly.”
“很可能。”
“Did it make the top ten?” Jacob asked with perverse enjoyment.
“进得了前十吗？”雅各布问道，他不应该那么高兴。
Jacob’s eyes opened into a glare. He sat up stiffly, his shoulders tense.
雅各布生气地瞪大眼睛，他僵硬地坐了起来，肩膀很紧张。
“I’m glad you enjoyed yourself,” Edward murmured.
“我很高兴你自得其乐。”爱德华咕哝道。
“But,” Edward went on, “if I had been able to take your place last night, it would not have made the top ten of the best nights of my life. Dream about that.”
“但是，”爱德华继续说道，“如果我昨天晚上能够代替你的话，那不会是我一生中最美好的十个夜晚之一。做梦吧。”
“Guess I’ll catch up on my sleep later, then.” Jacob made a face. “I need to talk to Sam anyway.”
“那么，我想待会儿我再继续睡觉，”雅各布扮了个鬼脸，“我需要和山姆谈一谈。”
Jacob smiled and closed his eyes.
雅各布微笑着闭上眼睛。
“I couldn’t agree more.”
“我非常同意。”
“You know what? I think it’s too crowded in here.”
“你知道什么？我想这里太拥挤了。”
“It was your idea,” Edward said impassively.
“那是你这么想的。”爱德华毫无感情地说道。
“It wasn’t the worst night of my life.”
“这并不是我的人生中最糟糕的夜晚。”
“Give it a rest, Bella,” I heard him mutter as he re-zipped the door.
“别抱怨了，贝拉。”我听见他重新拉上拉链的时候低声咕哝道。
He rolled to his knees and grabbed the door’s zipper.
他骨碌一下站了起来，抓住帐篷门的拉链。
“No.”
“不会。”
He jerked his arm away before my fingers could find purchase.
我的手指还没抓紧他的胳膊就被他挣脱了。
“Please, Jake? Won’t you stay?”
“求你了，杰克，你不会留下吗？”
Pain crackled down my spine and lodged in my stomach as I abruptly realized that this could be the last time I would see him. He was going back to Sam, back to fight the horde of bloodthirsty newborn vampires.
当我陡然意识到这可能是我最后一次看见他，痛苦猛地涌进我的脊椎，停留在我的胃里。他回去见山姆，和一群嗜血的新生吸血鬼作战去了。
I listened for the sound of his retreating footsteps, but it was perfectly still. No more wind. I could hear morning birdsong far away on the mountain, and nothing else. Jacob moved in silence now.
我倾听着他返回的脚步声，但是只是一片寂静，不再有风。我能听见远处山上的鸟儿在鸣唱，除此之外，什么也没有。雅各布现在静悄悄地行动起来了。
He shoved out of the tent before I could finish.
我还没说完他就用力推开帐篷门走了出去。
“Don’t worry about me, Bells. I’ll be fine, just like I always am.” He forced a laugh. “‘Sides, you think I’m going to let Seth go in my place — have all the fun and steal all the glory? Right.” He snorted.
“别担心我，贝尔。我会没事的，就像我一直那样，”他勉强地大笑起来，“此外，你认为我会让塞思代替我——把所有的乐趣都偷走吧？对。”他哼了一声。
“Jake, wait –” I reached after him, my hand sliding down his arm.
“杰克，等一等——”我在他身后伸手去抓他，我的手才从他的胳膊上滑落下来。
“Be careful –“
“小心一点儿——”
The word was hard and cold. I knew my face gave away my pain, because he exhaled and half a smile softened his expression.
他的话既斩钉截铁，又冷漠无情。我知道我的脸泄露出我的痛苦，因为他吸了口气，半个微笑软化了他的表情。
“Maybe not right now,” he answered himself, pulling his hand away.
“或许不是现在。”他自问自答道，把手移开了。
I shivered involuntarily; the morning was still frosty.
我不情愿地颤抖了一下，早晨还是很寒冷。
“How much longer?” I asked.
“还要多久？”我问道。
“Alice told Sam it should be an hour or so,” Edward said, soft and bleak.
“爱丽丝告诉山姆应该还要一小时左右。”爱德华说道，语气轻柔而沮丧。
He put his arm around my shoulder. “Don’t worry,” he urged, and then he kissed my forehead.
他用胳膊揽着我的肩膀，“别担心。”他恳求我，接着吻了吻我的额头。
“I know,” I said. “I’m terrified for them, too.”
“我知道，”我说，“我也为他们担心。”
Again with the fun. My nostrils flared.
又是乐趣，我的鼻子气得张开了。
“What would you like?”
“你想要怎么做？”
“They know how to handle themselves,” Edward assured me, purposely making his voice light. “I just hate missing the fun.”
“他们知道如何保护自己，”爱德华安慰我，故意让自己的语气显得很轻松，“我只不过讨厌错过其中的乐趣。”
“We stay together. No matter what.”
“无论发生什么事，我们都会待在一起。”
As if there was any way to avoid that. “Sure, sure.”
仿佛有什么方法可以避免那样一样：“当然，当然。”
He laughed. “Try to guess.”
他大笑道：“试着猜一猜。”
“There are other ways to distract me.”
“还有其他的方法可以转移我的注意力。”
“You could tell me about your ten best nights,” I suggested. “I’m curious.”
“你可以告诉我你最美好的十个夜晚，”我建议道，“我很好奇。”
“No matter what,” he agreed, his eyes tight.
“无论发生什么。”他同意道，紧绷着眼睛。
“Do you want me to distract you?” He breathed, running his cold fingers along my cheekbone.
“你想要我分散你的注意力吗？”他轻轻地低语着，一边用冰冷的指头划过我的颧骨。
I huddled in my coats, and leaned against Edward’s shoulder. We were quiet for a long time.
我缩在外套里，靠在爱德华的肩膀上，我们很久都没有说话。
“Really?”
“真的吗？”
“Yes, really — and by quite a wide margin, too.”
“是的，真的——还有广阔的回旋余地呢。”
I shook my head. “There’re too many nights I don’t know about. A century of them.”
我摇摇头，“有太多我不知道的夜晚了，一个世纪呢。”
“Well, there was the first night. The night you stayed.”
“好吧，第一个夜晚，你留下来的那个夜晚。”
I thought for a minute. “I can only think of mine,” I admitted.
我想了一会儿，“我只能想到我的。”我承认道。
He shrugged instead of answering, and I winced. “That bad?”
他耸了耸肩，没有作答。我感到一惊：“那么糟糕？”
“I’ll narrow it down for you. All of my best nights have happened since I met you.”
“我把它们限定在你身上。自从我遇见你，我所有最美好的夜晚就出现了。”
“Nothing too horrible,” he sighed.
“没什么太可怕的。”他叹气道。
My face got hot as I wondered again what I might have said while sleeping in Jacob’s arms. I couldn’t remember what I’d dreamed about, or if I’d dreamed at all, so that was no help.
我的脸火辣辣的，因为我又想知道在雅各布的臂弯里我可能说过些什么。我记不得自己做过什么梦了，或者我是否做过梦，所以那无济于事。
“Near the end, though, you started mumbling some nonsense about ‘Jacob, my Jacob.'” I could hear the pain, even in the whisper. “Your Jacob enjoyed that quite a lot.”
“不过，在最后，你开始咕哝一些毫无意义的话：‘雅各布，我的雅各布。”’即使在他的轻声细语之中，我仍可以听见他的痛苦，“你的雅各布非常享受那一段。”
“Yes, that’s one of mine, too. Of course, you were unconscious for my favorite part.”
“是的，那也是我最美好的夜晚之一。当然啦，你不清楚我最喜欢的那部分。”
“They might be the same,” he encouraged.
“它们或许是一样的。”他鼓励道。
“That’s right,” I remembered. “I was talking that night, too.”
“对啊，”我记起来了，“那天晚上我也说梦话了。”
“What did I say last night?” I whispered more quietly than before.
“我昨天晚上说了什么？”我轻声问道，比之前要平静一些。
“Mostly you said my name, the same as usual.”
“大多数时候你提到我的名字，和平时一样。”
“Please tell me.”
“请告诉我。”
“Yes,” he agreed.
“是的。”他同意道。
“That’s not bad,” I agreed cautiously.
“那倒不坏。”我谨慎地同意道。
He frowned.
他皱了皱眉头。
“Differentiate?”
“区别？”
“That makes sense.” He sounded slightly mollified. “Tell me another favorite night.”
“那很有道理，”他听起来稍微缓和了一些，“再告诉我一个你最美好的夜晚。”
I stretched my neck up, straining to reach my lips to the edge of his jaw. I couldn’t see into his eyes. He was staring up at the ceiling of the tent.
我伸长脖子，扭着头想要让我的嘴唇碰到他的下巴颏儿，我无法看见他的眼神，他一直仰头盯着帐篷顶。
“Flying home from Italy.”
“从意大利飞回家。”
“I had no idea your dreams were so vivid. It took me forever to convince you that you were awake.”
“我不知道你的梦境这么栩栩如生，我一辈子都无法让你承认你是醒着的。”
“Sorry,” I murmured. “That’s just the way I differentiate.”
“对不起，”我低声说道，“那只是我区别的方式。”
He kissed my hair. “You love me more than I deserve.”
他亲吻我的头发：“你爱我的程度超过了我配拥有的。”
“No, it is one of mine, actually, but I’m surprised it’s on your list. Weren’t you under the ludicrous impression I was just acting from a guilty conscience, and I was going to bolt as soon as the plane doors opened?”
“不，实际上，是我最美好的夜晚之一，但是我很惊讶也在你的排行榜上。你担心我只是良心上感到内疚才那么做的，飞机舱门一开我就会逃跑，你有这样的印象难道不是很可笑吗？”
I laughed at the impossibility of that idea. “Next would be the night after Italy,” I continued.
听见这个不可思议的想法，我大笑起来，“下一个就是意大利之后的那个夜晚。”我继续说道。
“Between Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Between the Jacob I like and the one who annoys the hell out of me,” I explained.
“杰柯尔医生和海德先生之间的区别，在我喜欢的雅各布和让我烦得要死的雅各布之间。”我解释道。
“Yes.” I smiled. “But, still, you were there.”
“是的，”我微笑道，“但是，你还是留在我身边了啊。”
“Yes, that’s on the list. You were so funny.”
“是的，那也榜上有名，你很有趣。”
“Funny?” I objected.
“有趣？”我反驳道。
“Is that not one of yours?” I wondered.
“那不是你的吗？”我惊讶地问。
I made a face.
我做了个鬼脸。
Before he could answer, the silence outside the tent was ripped apart by an earsplitting howl of pain. The sound ricocheted off the bare rock face of the mountain and filled the air so that it seared from every direction.
他还没来得及回答，帐篷外的寂静被一声震耳欲聋的痛苦哀号撕裂了。声音从山脉的岩石坡面上飞弹下来，从四面八方传过来弥漫在空气中。
“A hundred years from now, when you’ve gained enough perspective to really appreciate the answer, I will explain it to you.”
“从现在开始一百年，当你拥有足够的洞察力能够真正地理解答案时，我会解释给你听的。”
I thought about the way he’d kissed me, the concession I’d gained, and changed my mind. “Yes… it does. But with reservations. I don’t understand why it’s so important to you. You already had me forever.”
我想到他吻我的样子，我获得的让步，改变主意说道，“是的……是我的，但是有所保留。我不理解为什么那对你如此重要，你已经永远拥有我了。”
“I’m fine,” I assured him. “Why?”
“我很好，”我让他放心，“为什么？”
“Are you warm enough?” he asked suddenly.
“你够温暖了吗？”他突然问道。
“I’m still not sure,” I muttered. “You’ve always seemed more like a dream than reality. Tell me one of yours, now. Did I guess your first place?”
“我还是不确定，”我低声道，“你似乎一直更喜欢梦而不是现实。现在告诉我你的另一个，我猜到你排名第一的了吗？”
“I’ll remind you to explain — in a hundred years.”
“我会提醒你解释——一百年以后。”
The howl tore through my mind like a tornado, both strange and familiar. Strange because I’d never heard such a tortured cry before. Familiar because I knew the voice at once — I recognized the sound and understood the meaning as perfectly as if I’d uttered it myself. It made no difference that Jacob was not human when he cried out. I needed no translation.
这声哀号就像龙卷风一样撕裂了我的心，既陌生又熟悉。陌生是因为我以前从未听见过如此备受折磨的嗥叫；熟悉是因为我立即认出了这个声音——我认出来这个声音，而且非常了解其中的含义，就像是我自己发出来的一样。当他叫喊出来的时候雅各布是不是人根本没什么区别，我不需要翻译。
“No — that would be two nights ago, when you finally agreed to marry me.”
“不——那是在两天之前的晚上，当你终于答应嫁给我。”
“That doesn’t make your list?”
“那没上你的榜单？”
I stared at nothing, seeing nothing.
我凝视着空洞的一切，什么也看不见。
“Because your space heater has reached his limit,” Edward answered quietly. “Truce over,” he added, so low I couldn’t be sure that was really what he’d said.
“因为你的空间加热器到了极限，”爱德华平静地回答道，“休战结束了。”他补充道，他说得非常轻，我无法确定他是什么意思。
“Not you,” I whispered. “I’m horrified at me.”
“不是你，”我轻声说道，“我觉得自己很可怕。”
“Yes,” I agreed bitterly. “I should save my energy to torment Jacob some more. I wouldn’t want to leave any part of him unharmed.”
“是的，”我悲痛地说道，“我应该节省精力多折磨一下雅各布，我才不想让他剩下一些没受到伤害的地方呢！”
“Are you angry with me?” he asked.
“你生我的气吗？”他问道。
“Jacob was listening,” I whispered. It wasn’t a question.
“雅各布在听。”我低声地说道，这不是问题。
“Yes.”
“是的。”
The howl choked off into a peculiar gurgled sob, and then it was quiet again.
哀号被抑制住了，然后演变成一长串独特的啜泣声，接着又安静下来了。
“Do you think that matters?” I was blinking back tears, and this was easy to hear in my voice. “Do you think I care whether it’s fair or whether he was adequately warned? I’m hurting him. Every time I turn around, I’m hurting him again.” My voice was getting louder, more hysterical. “I’m a hideous person.”
“你认为那重要吗？”我眨着眼睛忍住泪水，很容易就能听出我声音中的哭腔，“你认为我在乎这是否公平，或者他是否得到充分地提醒吗？我在伤害他，每一次我转身的时候，我就再次伤害他了。”我的声音变得更大了，更加歇斯底里了，“我是个可怕的人。”
My head fell into my hands.
我双手抱着头。
“You knew.”
“你知道的。”
“I never promised to fight fair,” he reminded me quietly. “And he deserves to know.”
“我从来没承诺过要公平竞争，”他平静地提醒我，“他有权知道。”
“Yes.”
“是的。”
“Don’t torment yourself,” he pleaded.
“别折磨自己。”他恳求道。
I did not hear his silent escape, but I could feel it — I could feel the absence I had wrongly assumed before, the empty space he left behind.
我没有听见他默默的逃跑声，但是我能感觉到——我能感笕到以前我错误地臆测到他不在场，他离开后留下的空洞的空间。
“He knew what he was doing.”
“他知道自己在干什么。”
Jacob was close. Jacob had heard every word we’d said. Jacob was in agony.
雅各布就在附近，雅各布听见了我们所说的每个字，雅各布现在很痛苦。
“I am! What’s wrong with me?” I struggled against his arms, and he let them drop. “I have to go find him.”
“我是！我这是怎么了？”我在他的怀抱中挣扎，他放下胳膊，“我得去找他。”
“I don’t care. I can’t just sit here.” I shrugged off Jacob’s parka, shoved my feet into my boots, and crawled stiffly to the door; my legs felt numb. “I have to — I have to…” I didn’t know how to finish the sentence, didn’t know what there was to do, but I unzipped the door anyway, and climbed out into the bright, icy morning.
“我不在乎，我不能只是坐在这里。”我抖落雅各布的派克式外套，把脚套进靴子里，笨拙地朝帐篷门爬去，我感到腿很麻木，我得——我得……”我不知道如何说完这句话，不知道要在那儿干什么，但是我还是拉开了帐篷门，爬出去进入清朗而寒冷的早晨。
There was less snow than I would have thought after the fury of last night’s storm. Probably it had blown away rather than melted in the sun that now shone low in the southeast, glancing off the snow that lingered and stabbing at my unadjusted eyes. The air still had a bite to it, but it was dead calm and slowly becoming more seasonable as the sun rose higher.
昨天晚上下了一夜鹅毛大雪，暴风雪过后外面堆积的雪比我想象的要少一些。可能是被风吹走了，而不是被现在从东南方缓缓升起的太阳融化了，太阳照耀着残留的雪，刺痛着我尚未适应的眼睛。风仍然在慢慢地吹，但是已经死寂一般安静下来了，随着太阳徐徐升起变得更加适宜了。
Seth Clearwater was curled up on a patch of dry pine needles in the shadow of a thick spruce, his head on his paws. His sand-colored fur was almost invisible against the dead needles, but I could see the bright snow reflect off his open eyes. He was staring at me with what I imagined was an accusation.
塞思·克里尔沃特蜷缩在一棵茂密的云杉下的干松针堆上，他的头趴在爪子上。他沙砾色的毛映衬着枯死的松针几乎看不见，但是我看得见明亮的白雪从他睁大的眼睛里反射出来，他带着我想象中的责备眼神盯着我。
He wrapped his arms tightly around me. “No, you’re not.”
他紧紧地抱住我：“不，你不是。”
“Bella, he’s already miles away, and it’s cold.”
“贝拉，他已经跑到几英里开外了，而且外面很冷。”
“I should have — told him — I should — have said –” What? What could have made this right? “He shouldn’t have — found out like this.”
“我本应该——告诉他——我本应该——说——”什么？怎样才能使事情变得正确呢？“他本不应该——这样了解到的。”
When he… I shouldn’t have… I… I…” I was sobbing.
当他……我不应该……我……我……”我开始啜泣起来。
I knew Edward was following me as I stumbled toward the trees. I couldn’t hear him, but the sun reflected off his skin in glittering rainbows that danced ahead of me. He didn’t reach out to stop me until I was several paces into the forest shadows.
我踉踉跄跄地朝树林走去，知道爱德华跟着我。我听不见他的声音，但是太阳在他身上反射出闪闪发光的彩虹飘洒在我身上。他没有伸手拦住我，直到我跑了几步进入森林的树荫里。
His arms folded around me, and my tears soaked into his shirt.
他的胳膊紧紧地抱着我，我的泪水浸透了他的衬衫。
“I’m sorry, Bella,” he whispered. “I’m sorry I did that.”
“对不起，贝拉，”他轻声说道，“我很抱歉那么做。”
“Bella, Bella.”
“贝拉，贝拉。”
His hand caught my left wrist. He ignored it when I tried to yank myself free.
他的手拉住我的手腕，他没理会我试着挣脱出去。
“Do you want me to see if I can bring him back, so that you can talk to him? There’s still a little time,” Edward murmured, hushed agony in his voice.
“你想要我去看看能不能把他带回来，这样你就能跟他谈一谈吗？还有一点儿时间。”爱德华低声说道，声音里充满被他掩饰起来的痛苦。
I twisted my wrist, pulling uselessly.
我扭动着手腕，无济于事地拉着。
“You can’t go after him. Not today. It’s almost time. And getting yourself lost wouldn’t help anyone, regardless.”
“你不能在他后面追，今天不行。时间差不多到了。无论如何，让你自己迷路对任何人都不会有帮助。”
“You didn’t do anything. It’s my fault. I did this. I did everything wrong. I could have…
“你没做错任何事，是我的错。我这样做了，我做了所有的错事。我本来可以……
I nodded into his chest, afraid to see his face.
我靠在他的胸口上点点头，不敢看他的脸。
“Stay by the tent. I’ll be back soon.”
“待在帐篷附近，我很快就回来。”
I didn’t know why it was hitting me so hard now. It wasn’t like I hadn’t known this was coming all along. But Jacob had never reacted so strongly — lost his bold overconfidence and shown the intensity of his pain. The sound of his agony still cut at me, somewhere deep in my chest. Right beside it was the other pain. Pain for feeling pain over Jacob. Pain for hurting Edward, too. For not being able to watch Jacob go with composure, knowing that it was the right thing, the only way.
我不知道为什么现在这让我受到如此大的打击。这不像我一直知道事情会变成这样的啊，但是雅各布从来都没有如此强烈的反应——失去他莽撞的过度自信，流露出他强烈的痛苦。他痛苦的声音仍然痛击着我心中的某个地方，就在它旁边的是另一种痛苦，因为为雅各布感到痛苦而痛苦，为也伤害了爱德华而痛苦，为不能镇静自若地看着雅各布离去而痛苦，我知道那样做才是正确的，唯一正确的方法。
His arms disappeared. He left so quickly that, in the second it took me to look up, he was already gone. I was alone.
他的胳膊消失了。他离开地如此之快，过了一会儿我抬起头时，他已经不见踪影了，只剩下我一个人。
A new sob broke from my chest. I was hurting everyone today. Was there anything I touched that didn’t get spoiled?
一阵新的啜泣在我心口进发开来，我今天伤害了所有人。我碰过的什么东西当中还有什么没有被糟蹋的吗？
I was selfish, I was hurtful. I tortured the ones I loved.
我很自私，给别人带来伤害，我折磨着我所爱的人。
I was like Cathy, like Wuthering Heights, only my options were so much better than hers, neither one evil, neither one weak. And here I sat, crying about it, not doing anything productive to make it right. Just like Cathy.
我就像《呼啸山庄》里的凯西一样，只不过我的选择比她的要好得多，两个都不邪恶，两个都不懦弱。现在我坐在这里，为此痛哭流涕，却没有做任何有效的努力校正这一切，就像凯西一样。
Why was that so hard? So very much more difficult than saying goodbye to my other friends, to Angela, to Mike? Why did that hurt? It wasn’t right. That shouldn’t be able to hurt me. I had what I wanted. I couldn’t have them both, because Jacob could not be just my friend. It was time to give up wishing for that. How ridiculously greedy could any one person be?
为什么会这么困难？比跟我其他的朋友们，像安吉拉和迈克，说再见要难得多？为什么那样受伤？这不对。那不应该让我很受伤，我已经得到了我想要的。我不能两样都要，因为雅各布不可能只当我的朋友。是放弃这种希望的时候了，一个人怎能贪婪到这种荒唐的地步啊？
I had to get over this irrational feeling that Jacob belonged in my life. He couldn’t belong with me, could not be my Jacob, when I belonged to someone else.
我得克服这种雅各布属于我的生活的不理智的想法。他不可能属于我，不会成为我的雅各布，当我已经属于别人的时候。
I couldn’t allow what hurt me to influence my decisions anymore. It was too little, much too late, but I had to do what was right now. Maybe it was already done for me. Maybe Edward would not be able to bring him back. And then I would accept that and get on with my life. Edward would never see me shed another tear for Jacob Black. There would be no more tears. I wiped the last of them away with cold fingers now.
我不能允许伤害我的事情再影响我的决定了。一切都太微弱，太晚了，但是我现在不得不做正确的事情，或许已经有人为我做了。或许爱德华不能把他带回来。那么我就要接受现实，然后继续我的人生。爱德华再也不会看见我为雅各布·布莱克流下一滴泪了，不会再有眼泪，此刻我用冰冷的手指抹去残留的最后一滴眼泪。
But if Edward did return with Jacob, that was it. I had to tell him to go away and never come back.
要是爱德华真的把他带回来，就这么办吧。我得告诉他离开，永远不要再回来。
I walked slowly back to the little clearing, my feet dragging. When I broke into the open space, blinking against the sharp light, I threw one quick glance toward Seth — he hadn’t moved from his bed of pine needles — and then looked away, avoiding his eyes.
我慢慢地走回那片小小的空地，我的脚费力地移动着。当我侵入这片露天的空间时一股刺目的光迫使我眨了眨眼睛，我飞快地瞟了塞思一眼——他没有从松针上移动过——接着逃避他的目光，看着别处。
I could feel that my hair was wild, twisted into clumps like Medusa’s snakes. I yanked through it with my fingers, and then gave up quickly. Who cared what I looked like, anyway?
我能感觉到我的头发很凌乱，向美杜莎的蛇发一样一簇簇地拧在一起。我用手指费力地拉过头发，不过很快就放弃了。无论如何，谁又在意我看起来如何呢？
I grabbed the canteen hanging beside the tent door and shook it. It sloshed wetly, so I unscrewed the lid and took a swig to rinse my mouth with the ice water. There was food somewhere nearby, but I didn’t feel hungry enough to look for it. I started pacing across the bright little space, feeling Seth’s eyes on me the whole time. Because I wouldn’t look at him, in my head he became the boy again, rather than the gigantic wolf. So much like a younger Jacob.
我抓住挂在帐篷门边的饭盒，摇了摇。里面有液体摇动的声音，所以我拧开盖子，喝下一大口冰水漱口。附近什么地方有食品，但是我没饿到去寻找。我开始在这片明亮的小空间里踱来踱去，感到塞思的眼睛一直盯着我。因为我不愿意看他，在我头脑里他又变成了一个小男孩，而不是一匹巨大的狼，他那么像年纪稍小时的雅各布。
I wanted to ask Seth to bark or give some other sign if Jacob was coming back, but I stopped myself. It didn’t matter if Jacob came back. It might be easier if he didn’t. I wished I had some way to call Edward.
我想要塞思叫一叫，或者给些信号，如果雅各布回来的话，但是我没让自己这么做。雅各布回来与否并不重要，如果他不回来可能会更容易些，我希望我有办法呼唤爱德华。
He ignored me, trotting to the edge of the trees, and pointing his nose toward the west. He began whimpering.
他没理会我，飞快地跑到树林边缘，鼻子指向西边，他开始哀号了。
Seth whined at that moment, and got to his feet.
就在那时塞思哀鸣着站了起来。
“Is it the others, Seth?” I demanded. “In the clearing?”
“有其他人吗，塞思？”我追问道，“在空地上？”
Why was I such a fool? What was I thinking, sending Edward away? How was I supposed to know what was going on? I didn’t speak wolf.
为什么我这么笨？让爱德华去了，我在想什么？我怎么知道发生了什么事？我不会说狼人的语言。
“What is it?” I asked him stupidly.
“怎么啦？”我愚蠢地问他。
His ears laid back and he whined again.
他的耳朵向后缩了回来，然后又开始哀鸣了。
He looked at me and yelped softly once, and then turned his nose alertly back to the west.
他看着我，轻柔而短促地叫了一声，接着警觉地把鼻子转回到西边。
A cold trickle of fear began to ooze down my spine. What if the time had run out? What if Jacob and Edward got too close? What if Edward decided to join in the fight?
一阵冰冷的恐惧如涓涓细流般慢慢地沿着我的脊椎向下渗透。要是时间耗尽了怎么办？要是雅各布和爱德华离那里太近怎么办？要是爱德华决定加入战斗怎么办？
The icy fear pooled in my stomach. What if Seth’s distress had nothing to do with the clearing, and his yelp had been a denial? What if Jacob and Edward were fighting with each other, far away somewhere in the forest? They wouldn’t do that, would they?
冰冷的恐惧在我的胃里翻江倒海。要是塞思的忧伤与空地上发生的事情毫无关系，他的叫喊只不过是否定呢？要是雅各布和爱德华他们俩在森林里遥远的地方打斗起来呢？他们不会那么做的，是不是？
With sudden, chilling certainty I realized that they would — if the wrong words were said. I thought of the tense standoff in the tent this morning, and I wondered if I’d underestimated how close it had come to a fight.
我突然感到一阵令人毛骨悚然的肯定，意识到他们会——如果说错话的话。我想到今天早上帐篷里紧张的对峙，我不知道我是否该低估这差一点儿就演变成一场搏斗了。
Before I could collapse with fear, Seth grumbled slightly, deep in his chest, and then turned away from his watch and sauntered back toward his resting place. It calmed me, but irritated me. Couldn’t he scratch a message in the dirt or something?
我还未能因为恐惧而崩溃，塞思就开始在他的胸腔里轻微地低吼起来，接着从他观看的方向转身慢慢地走回到他栖息的地方。这令我镇定下来，但是也让我感到不安，难道他不能从泥土上或其他东西上抓出一些信息？
The ice locked around my heart.
冰在我的心脏周围封了起来。
It would be no more than I deserved if I somehow lost them both.
如果我在某种程度上失去他们俩的话，这只不过是我罪有应得。
The pacing was starting to make me sweat under all my layers. I threw my jacket into the tent, and then I went back to wearing a path across the center of the tiny break in the trees.
我一层一层裹得严严实实的，踱来踱去开始让我流汗了。我把夹克扔进帐篷里，接着回去在一条小路上耗时间，那条小径横穿过树林里小小空地的中央。
He growled, a low warning sound, slinking back toward the western rim, and I rethought my impatience.
他低吼出一声低沉的警告声，鬼鬼祟祟地往树林边缘的西侧撤退，我重新梳理了一下烦乱的心绪。
“It’s just us, Seth,” Jacob called from a distance.
“是我们，塞思。”雅各布从远处喊道。
Seth jumped to his feet again suddenly, the hackles on the back of his neck standing up stiffly. I looked around, but saw nothing. If Seth didn’t cut it out, I was going to throw a pinecone at him.
塞思突然又跳着站了起来，他后颈项上的毛僵直地竖了起来。我看了看周围，但什么也没看见。如果塞思跑开的话，我会朝他抛个松果的。
I tried to explain to myself why my heart kicked into fourth gear when I heard him. It was just fear of what I was going to have to do now, that was all. I could not allow myself to be relieved that he’d come back. That would be the opposite of helpful.
我想要给我自己解释为什么我一听见他的声音，心就怦怦地跳到了四档。只是因为害怕我现在不得不做的事情，就是那样，我不能让自己因为他回来而感到欣慰。那非但不会有所帮助，还会适得其反。
Seth dipped his head once, and I wished I was able to growl. Sure, he could nod now. I turned my head, annoyed, and realized that Jacob was there.
塞思立刻低下头，我希望我能够咆哮。当然，他现在能够点头。我烦躁地转动头部，意识到雅各布在那里。
“Yes, that’s all we need,” he muttered to himself before addressing the big wolf. “I suppose we shouldn’t be surprised. But the timing is going to be very close. Please have Sam ask Alice to try to nail the schedule down better.”
“是的，那是我们所需要的一切，”他自言自语地说道，然后对这匹大狼说道，“我想我们不应该感到惊讶，但是时间会非常紧张，让山姆叫爱丽丝尽力计划得更加周详一些。”
Edward walked into view first, his face blank and smooth. When he stepped out from the shadows, the sun shimmered on his skin like it did on the snow. Seth went to greet him, looking intently into his eyes. Edward nodded slowly, and worry creased his forehead.
爱德华首先走进我的视线，他不露声色，一脸平静。当他从树荫中走出来的时候，阳光在他的皮肤上闪烁着微光，就像照射在雪上一样。塞思跑过去迎接他，热切地看着他的眼睛。爱德华慢慢地点点头，担忧在他的额头上纠结起来。
He had his back to me, facing the way he’d come. I waited warily for him to turn around.
他背对着我，面对着他来时的路，我谨慎地等待着他转过身来。
“There’s a bit of a complication,” he told me, his voice carefully unworried. “I’m going to take Seth a little ways away and try to straighten it out. I won’t go far, but I won’t listen, either. I know you don’t want an audience, no matter which way you decide to go.”
“事情有点儿复杂，”他告诉我，语气谨慎而担忧，“我打算带塞思到较远的地方去，想办法把话说清楚。我不会走很远，但是我也不会听。我知道你不想有听众，不管你打算选择哪一条路。”
“Bella,” Edward murmured, suddenly right beside me. He stared down at me with nothing but concern showing in his eyes. There was no end to his generosity. I deserved him now less than I ever had.
“贝拉。”爱德华对我小声说道，突然出现在我右手边。他低头凝视着我，眼睛里除了关心没有其他的神色。他的慷慨大度永无止境，我现在比以前更不配得到他。
“Hurry back,” I whispered.
“赶紧回来。”我轻声说道。
Only at the very end did the pain break into his voice.
只是说到最后才流露出痛苦的语气。
“I’m sorry I’m such a rotten person,” I whispered. “I’m sorry I’ve been so selfish. I wish I’d never met you, so I couldn’t hurt you the way I have. I won’t do it anymore, I promise. I’ll stay far away from you. I’ll move out of the state. You won’t have to look at me ever again.”
“我很抱歉我是如此坏的一个人，”我轻声说道，“我很抱歉我一直那么自私。我希望我从未遇见过你，这样我就不会像现在这样伤害你。我不会再这么做了，我保证。我会离你远远的，我会搬离这个州，你永远都不必再看我一眼。”
I took a deep breath.
我深深地吸了一口气。
Jacob was still in the shadow of the trees; I couldn’t see his expression clearly.
雅各布还是在树荫里，我无法看清楚他的表情。
“I’m in a hurry, Bella,” he said in a dull voice. “Why don’t you get it over with?”
“我赶时间，贝拉，”他无精打采地说道，“为什么你不让这一切结束呢？”
“Just say the words, and be done with it.”
“只不过是说出那些话，然后结束。”
I had to never hurt him again. That would be my mission in life. Never again would I be the reason for this look to come into his eyes.
我再也不要伤害他了，那会是我一生的使命，我再也不会让这种表情重新回到他的眼中。
“That’s not much of an apology,” he said bitterly.
“那可不是什么道歉。”他讥讽地说道。
I swallowed, my throat suddenly so dry I wasn’t sure if I could make sound come out.
我吞咽了一下，我的喉咙突然变得很干燥，我不确定是否能说出这些话。
He kissed me lightly on the lips, and then disappeared into the forest with Seth at his side.
他轻轻地吻了我的嘴唇，接着塞思来到他的身旁和他一起消失在树林里。
I was too upset to even ask him what the new problem was. I didn’t need anything else right now.
我太难过了，甚至没有问他出了什么新问题，我现在不需要其他的事情。
I couldn’t make my voice louder than a whisper. “Tell me how to do it right.”
我无法让自己说话时的音量大过窃窃私语。“告诉我怎样做才算对。”
“What if I don’t want you to go away? What if I’d rather you stayed, selfish or not? Don’t I get any say, if you’re trying to make things up to me?”
“要是我不想你离开呢？要是我宁愿你留下来，不管自私还是不自私呢？难道我还有说话的权利吗，如果你试图弥补我？”
He sighed. “Stop. You don’t have to say anything else. I understand.”
他叹气道：“别这样。你没必要说其他的了，我理解。”
“That won’t help anything, Jake. It was wrong to stay with you when we wanted such different things. It’s not going to get better. I’ll just keep hurting you. I don’t want to hurt you anymore. I hate it.” My voice broke.
“那毫无帮助，杰克。当我们想要的是如此不同的东西时还和你在一起是错误的，事情不会好转的，我只会一直伤害你。我不想再伤害你了，我讨厌这样。”我的声音带着哭腔。
And then his head snapped up.
接着他猛地仰起头。
He stood quietly for a moment, staring at the ground, and I fought against the urge to go and put my arms around him. To comfort him.
他眼睛盯着地面，静静地站了一会儿，我内心挣扎着，抑制着不要走过去，抱住他，去安慰他的冲动。
I wanted to tell him how much I would miss him, but I bit my tongue. That would not help anything, either.
我想告诉他我会多么思念他，但是我咬住舌头，那也于事无补。
“What?”
“什么？”
“Well, you’re not the only one capable of self-sacrifice,” he said, his voice stronger. “Two can play at that game.”
“好吧，你并不是唯一有能力做到自我牺牲的人，”他说道，语气更强烈了，“你会耍的花招，别人也会耍。”
“I’ve behaved pretty badly myself. I’ve made this much harder for you than I needed to. I could have given up with good grace in the beginning. But I hurt you, too.”
“我自己表现得糟糕透顶，我没有必要这么做使你感到更加为难。我一开始本来可以欣然地放弃的，但是我也伤害了你。”
“This is my fault.”
“这是我的错。”
“I won’t let you claim all the blame here, Bella. Or all the glory either. I know how to redeem myself.”
“我不会让你在这里承担一切过失的，贝拉，也不会独占一切荣耀。我知道如何救赎我自己。”
“What are you talking about?” I demanded. The sudden, frenzied light in his eyes frightened me.
“你在说什么？”我追问道，他眼里突然出现的疯狂光芒令我感到害怕。
His words sank into my brain, slowly, one by one, and I couldn’t breathe. Despite all my intentions to cut Jacob out of my life completely, I didn’t realize until that precise second exactly how deep the knife would have to go to do it.
他的话渐渐地，一字一句地渗入我的脑海，使我无法呼吸。尽管让雅各布完全从我生命中消失的一切想法还在，直到利刃就要准确无误地扎进我心窝的那一刻，我才意识到它扎得有多么深。
He glanced up at the sun and then smiled at me. “There’s a pretty serious fight brewing down there. I don’t think it will be that difficult to take myself out of the picture.”
他抬头瞟了一眼太阳，接着微笑着对我说：“山下一场严峻的战斗正在酝酿之中，我认为把我自己从此情形中带出去并不是很困难。”
“What’s the difference, Bella? This will only make it more convenient for everyone. You won’t even have to move.”
“有什么区别，贝拉？这只会让大家更方便，你甚至不必搬家。”
“No!” My voice got louder. “No, Jacob! I won’t let you!”
“不！”我的声音叫得更大了，“不要，雅各布！我不会让你去的！”
“Oh, no, Jake! No, no no no,” I choked out in horror. “No, Jake, no. Please, no.” My knees began to tremble.
“噢，不，杰克！不，不，不，不，”我惊恐万状地哽咽起来，“不，杰克，不要。求你了，不。”我的膝盖开始颤抖。
“How will you stop me?” he taunted lightly, smiling to take the sting out of his tone.
“你会怎样阻止我？”他冷冷地嘲讽道，微笑着挤出他语气中的刺。
“Jacob, I’m begging you. Stay with me.” I would have fallen to my knees, if I could have moved at all.
“雅各布，我祈求你，和我在一起。”如果我一点儿都不移动的话，我本来会跪倒在地上的。
“I’m not. You know what a terrible liar I am. Look in my eyes. I’ll stay if you do.”
“我没有，你知道我撒谎撒得多么糟糕。看着我的眼睛，如果你这么做的话，我就会留下来。”
“You’re lying.”
“你在撒谎。”
He shook his head. “No, I’m going.” He paused, as if deciding something. “But I could leave it to fate.”
他摇摇头：“不，我走了。”他停顿下来，仿佛在决定什么，“不过我会把它交给命运。”
“I love you, Bella,” he murmured.
“我爱你，贝拉。”他低声说道。
He smiled. “I know that better than you do.”
他微笑道：“在这一点上，我比你自己更了解。”
It was a moment before I could speak, and still the only answer I could give him was, “Please.”
在我能说话之前的一会儿，我能给他的唯一答案还是：“求你了。”
“I won’t run away. I’ve changed my mind. We’ll work something out, Jacob. There’s always a compromise. Don’t go!”
“我不会跑开的，我改变主意了。我们会想出办法的，雅各布。总是有妥协的，不要走！”
“That’s what I thought,” he said, his face going calm again, but for the turbulent light in his eyes.
“那是我所能想到的。”他说道，脸色就要变得平静下来了，可是他眼里闪烁着光芒。
“For fifteen minutes while I miss a good brawl? So that you can run away from me as soon as you think I’m safe again? You’ve got to be kidding.”
“我错过一场精彩的打斗就为了这十五分钟？你认为我一安全就会立刻从我身边跑开？你肯定是在开玩笑。”
He turned to walk away.
他转过身走开了。
“Anything,” I called after him in a strangled voice. “Anything you want, Jacob. Just don’t do this!”
“任何东西，”我在他身后声嘶力竭地喊道，“你想要的任何东西，雅各布，只是不要这么做！”
He paused, turning slowly.
他停了下来，慢慢地转过身。
“I don’t really think you mean that.”
“我并不认为你真的是这么想的。”
“I love you, Jacob,” I whispered brokenly.
“我爱你，雅各布。”我断断续续地说道。
His face hardened. “And I can be your best man at the wedding?”
他的脸板得更硬了：“在婚礼上我会成为你们的伴郎？”
“Stay,” I begged.
“留下来。”我祈求道。
“You could ask me,” he suggested.
“你可以问我。”他建议道。
“I don’t have to do anything deliberate — I could just do my best for my pack and let what happens happen.” He shrugged. “If you could convince me you really did want me to come back — more than you wanted to do the selfless thing.”
“我不想深思熟虑地做任何事情——我只能为我的团队竭尽所能，让会发生的一切发生吧。”他耸耸肩，如果你能说服我你真的想我回来——这种愿望比你想要做的那件忘我的事情更强烈的话。”
He shook his head, smiling again. “That’s not what I’m talking about.”
他摇摇头，又笑了笑：“那不是我说的意思。”
He hesitated in the shadow, warring with himself. He half-turned again to the west, his torso twisting away from me while his feet stayed planted where they were. Still looking away, he took one uncertain step in my direction, and then another. He swung his face around to look at me, his eyes doubtful.
他在树荫中犹豫了一会儿，自己也在挣扎，然后半转身面向西边，他的身躯扭动着离我远一些，双脚却仍然站在原处一动未动。他仍然看着别处，不确定地朝我迈了一步，接着又是一步。他转过脸看着我，眼里满是怀疑。
“Come back,” I whispered. How could he doubt that I meant it?
“回来。”我轻声说道，他怎么能怀疑我真的是那么想的呢？
It took me a second to grasp what he was saying, and all the while he was looking at me with this superior expression — so sure of my reaction. As soon as the realization hit, though, I blurted out the words without stopping to count the cost.
我过了一会儿才领会到他在说什么，他一直面带高傲的表情看着我——如此肯定我的反应。不过，一旦心领神会，我就不假思索地说出那些话，没有停下来想一想后果。
“What do you mean?” I choked out.
“你是什么意思？”我哽咽着说出来。
“How?” I asked.
“怎么做？”我问道。
His eyes widened in surprise, then narrowed suspiciously. “You’re bluffing.”
他惊讶地瞪大眼睛，接着怀疑地眯起来说道：“你在虚张声势。”
“Will you kiss me, Jacob?”
“你愿意吻我吗，雅各布？”
“Kiss me, Jacob. Kiss me, and then come back.”
“吻我，雅各布。吻我，然后回来。”
Jacob rocked back on his heels, and then lurched forward, closing the distance between us in three long strides.
雅各布摇晃一下脚后跟，接着突然向前一跃而起，三大步就跑过我们之间的距离，来到我身边。
I stared back. I had no idea what expression was on my face.
我也盯着他，不知道脸上是什么表情。
I knew he would take advantage of the situation. I expected it. I held very still — my eyes closed, my fingers curled into fists at my sides — as his hands caught my face and his lips found mine with an eagerness that was not far from violence.
我知道他会把握时机的，我预料到了。我一动不动——闭上眼睛，我的手握成拳头放在身侧——他的手捧住我的脸，他的嘴唇找到我的，那种急切不亚于暴力。
As soon as he was sure I wouldn’t drop my arm, he freed my wrist, his hand feeling its way down to my waist. His burning hand found the skin at the small of my back, and he yanked me forward, bowing my body against his.
他确定我不会放下胳膊，就松开了我的手腕，他的手一直移到我的腰上。他灼热的手放在我纤细的后背上，把我拉向前，让我弓起身体依偎着他。
I could feel his anger as his mouth discovered my passive resistance. One hand moved to the nape of my neck, twisting into a fist around the roots of my hair. The other hand grabbed roughly at my shoulder, shaking me, then dragging me to him. His hand continued down my arm, finding my wrist and pulling my arm up around his neck. I left it there, my hand still tightly balled up, unsure how far I could go in my desperation to keep him alive. All the while his lips, disconcertingly soft and warm, tried to force a response out of mine.
当他的嘴唇发现我消极抵抗之后，我能感觉到他的愤怒。他一只手移；善军；的后颈，在我的发根下捏成拳头，另一只手粗暴地抓住我的肩膀，摇晃着我，接着，巴手：拖到他身边。他的手顺着我的胳膊往下滑，找到我的手腕，拉着我的胳膊圈住他的悖子。我把手放在那里，仍然紧紧地握着拳头，不知道为了使他活下去我的绝望会走多远。他的嘴唇，软硬兼施，一直试着迫使我对他有所反应。
Then both of his arms were constricted around my waist, and his lips found my ear.
接着他用双臂紧紧地搂住我的腰，嘴唇吻到我的耳边。
His lips gave up on mine for a moment, but I knew he was nowhere close to finished. His mouth followed the line of my jaw, and then explored the length of my neck. He freed my hair, reaching for my other arm to draw it around his neck like the first.
他的唇放弃了一会儿，但是我知道还远远没到他结束的时候。他的嘴巴顺着我下巴上的线条吻下来，接着吻我的脖子。他松开我的头发，伸手拉住我另一只胳膊，把它圈在他的脖子上，就像先前那样。
I shivered as I felt his teeth graze my earlobe.
他的牙齿摩擦到我的耳朵让我一阵颤抖。
I shook my head mechanically until one of his hands wound back into my hair and stopped me.
我机械地摇摇头，直到他的一只手绕过我的头发制止了我。
His voice turned acidic. “Are you sure you want me to come back? Or did you really want me to die?”
他的声音变得酸溜溜的：“你确定想让我回来吗？或者你真的想让我死？”
Anger rocked through me like the whiplash after a heavy punch. That was too much — he wasn’t fighting fair.
气愤涌遍我的全身，就像鞭子狠狠地抽过一样，那太过分了——他没有公平竞争。
“You can do better than this, Bella,” he whispered huskily. “You’re overthinking it.”
“贝拉，你可以做得更好的，”他沙哑地低语道，“你仔细想一想。”
“That’s right,” he murmured. “For once, just let yourself feel what you feel.”
“那就对了，”他咕哝道，“就一次，让自己感受你想要的感觉。”
My arms were already around his neck, so I grabbed two fistfuls of his hair — ignoring the stabbing pain in my right hand — and fought back, struggling to pull my face away from his.
我的胳膊已经圈住他的脖子，所以我抓住两把他的头发——没理会右手上的刺痛——反击回去，挣扎着把我的脸从他那里移开。
With a wild gasp, he brought his mouth back to mine, his fingers clutching frantically against the skin at my waist.
他大大地吸了一口气，他重新吻住我的唇，手指疯狂地抓住我腰上的皮肤。
He was too strong to recognize that my hands, trying to yank his hair out by the roots, meant to cause him pain. Instead of anger, he imagined passion. He thought I was finally responding to him.
他太强悍了，因而意识不到我的手想要把他的头发连根拔起，是想要让他疼痛一下。他想到的不是生气，而是激情，他以为我终于开始对他有反应了。
The jolt of anger unbalanced my tenuous hold on self-control; his unexpected, ecstatic response overthrew it entirely. If there had been only triumph, I might have been able to resist him. But the utter defenselessness of his sudden joy cracked my determination, disabled it. My brain disconnected from my body, and I was kissing him back. Against all reason, my lips were moving with his in strange, confusing ways they’d never moved before — because I didn’t have to be careful with Jacob, and he certainly wasn’t being careful with me.
愤怒狠狠地击打着我，使我自己脆弱的自控失去平衡；他突然欣喜若狂的回应把它完全颠覆了。要是那只是胜利的话，我很可能会抗拒的，但是我对他突如其来的喜悦完全没有设防，它击溃了我的决心，使之不再起作用。我的大脑与我的身体脱离，我开始回吻着他。违背所有的理性，我的嘴唇在他的上面游移，那是一种陌生、令人迷惑的感觉，我以前从来没有经历过——因为我不必对雅各布小心翼翼，他当然也不会对我谨小慎微。
He was everywhere. The piercing sunlight turned my eyelids red, and the color fit, matched the heat. The heat was everywhere. I couldn’t see or hear or feel anything that wasn’t Jacob.
他无所不在，刺眼的阳光使我的眼睑变成红色，这种颜色很合适，与这里的热量很匹配，热量无所不在。我看不见，也听不见，也感觉不到雅各布之外的任何事情。
My fingers tightened in his hair, but I was pulling him closer now.
我的手指在他的头发里握得更紧了，但是现在我把他拉得更靠近我了。
And Jacob misunderstood.
而雅各布误解了。
The questions were stupid, because I knew the answer: I’d been lying to myself.
这些问题很愚蠢，因为我知道答案，我一直在自欺欺人。
Why wasn’t I stopping this? Worse than that, why couldn’t I find in myself even the desire to want to stop? What did it mean that I didn’t want him to stop? That my hands clung to his shoulders, and liked that they were wide and strong? That his hands pulled me too tight against his body, and yet it was not tight enough for me?
为什么我不制止这样？更糟糕的是，为什么我发现自己甚至找不到想要制止的欲望？我不想让他停下来这意味着什么？我的双手紧紧地握着他的肩膀，喜欢它们宽阔而强壮？他的手紧紧地拉着我靠近他，然而这对我而言还不够紧？
The tiny piece of my brain that retained sanity screamed questions at me.
我大脑里残留的些许理智向我尖叫着喊出许多问题。
Jacob was right. He’d been right all along. He was more than just my friend. That’s why it was so impossible to tell him goodbye — because I was in love with him. Too. I loved him, much more than I should, and yet, still nowhere near enough. I was in love with him, but it was not enough to change anything; it was only enough to hurt us both more. To hurt him worse than I ever had.
雅各布是对的，他一直都是正确的。他不仅仅是朋友，对他说再见是那么不可能，就是因为这一点——因为他爱我，我也爱他。我爱他，超过了我应该保持的界限，尽管缺如此，这还远远不够。我爱他，但这不足以改变任何事情；这只会带给我们更多伤害，比我之前伤害他更深。
I didn’t care about more than that — than his pain. I more than deserved whatever pain this caused me. I hoped it was bad. I hoped I would really suffer.
我在乎的不过——是他的痛苦。无论这会带给我什么样的伤害，我都是罪有应得。我希望是很严重的那种，我希望我真的会遭罪。
For one brief, never-ending second, an entirely different path expanded behind the lids of my tear-wet eyes. As if I were looking through the filter of Jacob’s thoughts, I could see exactly what I was going to give up, exactly what this new self-knowledge would not save me from losing. I could see Charlie and Renee mixed into a strange collage with Billy and Sam and La Push. I could see years passing, and meaning something as they passed, changing me. I could see the enormous red-brown wolf that I loved, always standing as protector if I needed him. For the tiniest fragment of that second, I saw the bobbing heads of two small, black-haired children, running away from me into the familiar forest. When they disappeared, they took the rest of the vision with them.
在短暂而又无止尽的一秒钟里，一条完全不同的道路在我热泪满盈的眼眶里扩展开来。好像我看透了雅各布思想的滤网，能够清清楚楚地看见我要放弃的东西，这层新的自我认识会使我什么都不必失去。我能看见查理、蕾妮与比利，山姆和拉普西奇怪地融合在一起。我能看见许多年过去了，随着时间的流逝意味着什么，也改变了我。我能看见我爱的红棕色狼，总是在我需要的时候以保护者的身份站在我身边。就是那一秒钟最微小的片段里，我看见两个小小的黑头发的小孩，他们轻轻的摆动着脑袋，从我身边跑开，跑进熟悉的森林里，他们消失的时候把幻影也一起带走了。
In this moment, it felt as though we were the same person. His pain had always been and would always be my pain — now his joy was my joy. I felt joy, too, and yet his happiness was somehow also pain. Almost tangible — it burned against my skin like acid, a slow torture.
就在这一刻，我们就像是同一个人一样。他的痛苦一直是，而且永远都是我的痛苦——现在他的快乐就是我的快乐。我也感到欣喜，然而他的幸福不知为何也是痛苦。几乎触手可及——就像酸液一样在我的皮肤上燃烧，是一种慢慢的折磨。
He smiled, pleased by my response. “I won’t be long,” he promised. “But one thing first…”
他微笑着，很高兴看到我这样的反应，“不会很久的，”他答应我，“但是首先有一件事情……”
And then, quite distinctly, I felt the splintering along the fissure line in my heart as the smaller part wrenched itself away from the whole.
就在那时，十分明显的是，我感到我的整颗心沿着上面的裂痕慢慢地撕裂成碎片。
“No.”
“不要。”
His arms curled around me, and he hugged me securely while he whispered in my ear. “That should have been our first kiss. Better late than never.”
他的胳膊环抱着我，紧紧地拥着我在我耳边轻轻地说道：那应该是我们的初吻，晚来总比不来好。”
He bent to kiss me again, and there was no reason to resist. What would be the point?
他弯下腰又吻了吻我，我没有理由抗拒，有什么意义呢？
This time was different. His hands were soft on my face and his warm lips were gentle, unexpectedly hesitant. It was brief, and very, very sweet.
这一次不一样。他的手有我脸上很温柔，他温暖的唇很轻柔，出其不间地犹豫。这个吻短暂，却非常非常甜蜜。
“I have to leave,” he whispered.
“我得走了。”他轻声说道。
Against his chest, where he couldn’t see, the tears welled up and spilled over.
靠在他的胸脯上，在他看不见的地方，我泪如泉涌，汨汨地流淌下来。
Jacob’s lips were still before mine were. I opened my eyes and he was staring at me with wonder and elation.
雅各布的嘴唇还在我的前面，我睁开眼睛，他惊讶而高兴地盯着我。
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