My teeth clenched together.
我的牙齿紧紧地咬在一起。
Like anyone in the pack, Leah knew everything. She knew why I came here — to the very edge of the earth and sky and sea. To be alone. She knew that this was all I wanted. Just to be alone.
和狼人团体里的其他人一样，里尔知道一切。她知道为什么我会来这里——地球、天空和海洋的尽头。一个人待着，她知道这就是我想要的，只是一个人待着。
“Jacob, do you think this is going to take too much longer?” Leah demanded. Impatient. Whiney.
“雅各布，你认为这样会不会太久了一点儿？”里尔逼问道。她很不耐烦，嘀嘀咕咕个不停。
But Leah was going to force her company on me, anyway.
但是，不管怎样，里尔还是打算强迫我让她陪伴。
Besides being crazy annoyed, I did feel smug for a brief second. Because I didn’t even have to think about controlling my temper. It was easy now, something I just did, natural. The red haze didn’t wash over my eyes. The heat didn’t shiver down my spine. My voice was calm when I answered.
此外，由于我烦得快疯掉了，我的确有那么一会儿很自鸣得意，因为我甚至不必去想控制自己的脾气。现在很容易了，我只是自然而然地做一些事情。红色的薄雾没有遮蔽我的眼睛，热气也没有让我的脊梁颤抖，我回答的时候语气很平静。
“Really, kid.” She ignored me, throwing herself into a sprawl on the ground next to me. “You have no idea how hard this is for me.”
“真的，孩子，”她没理会我，猛地让自己趴在我旁边，“你不知道这对我而言有多么困难。”
“For you?” It took me a minute to believe she was serious. “You have to be the most self-absorbed person alive, Leah. I’d hate to shatter the dream world you live in — the one where the sun is orbiting the place where you stand — so I won’t tell you how little I care what your problem is. Go. Away.”
“对你？”过了一会儿我才相信她是认真的，“你一定是活在这个世界上最自私的人，里尔。我讨厌粉碎你活着的那个梦幻世界——在那个世界里太阳围绕着你站立的位置转动——所以我不会告诉你我有多么不关心你有什么问题。走——开。”
“Jump off a cliff, Leah.” I pointed to the one at my feet.
“跳下悬崖，里尔。”我指着脚下的悬崖说道。
“Stop snorting and pay attention,” she snapped.
“停止打呼，注意。”她厉声说道。
“Just look at this from my perspective for a minute, okay?” she continued as if I hadn’t said anything.
“只是从我的视角看一看这件事情，好吗？”她就当我什么也没说一样继续说道。
I remembered back to when I used to think that Leah was pretty, maybe even beautiful. That was a long time ago. No one thought of her that way now. Except for Sam. He was never going to forgive himself. Like it was his fault that she’d turned into this bitter harpy.
我回想到我以前还认为里尔很漂亮，或许还很美丽。那是很久以前了，现在没有人这么认为了，除了山姆。他永远都不会原谅自己，好像她变成这种鹰身女妖般的恶毒泼妇都是他的错一样。
“If I pretend to listen, will you leave?” I asked, glancing over at the permanent scowl on her face. I wasn’t sure if she had any other expressions anymore.
“如果我假装在听，你会离开吗？”我问道，瞟了一眼她脸上永远挥之不去的愁容，我不确定她是否还有其他的表情。
If she was trying to break my mood, it worked. I started laughing. The sound hurt in strange ways.
如果她想要扰乱我的心情，这倒是奏效了。我开始大笑起来，声音不知怎的听起来很受伤。
“This is making me sick, Jacob. Can you imagine what this feels like to me? I don’t even like Bella Swan. And you’ve got me grieving over this leech-lover like I’m in love with her, too. Can you see where that might be a little confusing? I dreamed about kissing her last night! What the hell am I supposed to do with that?”
“这让我很不舒服，雅各布。你能想象这对我而言会是什么样的感觉吗？我甚至不喜欢贝拉〃斯旺，而你却让我为这个爱上吸血鬼的人痛苦难过，就像我也爱上了她一样。你能明白那可能会令人匪夷所思吗？昨天晚上我梦见自己吻了她！我到底该怎么应付那样的事情？”
Her scowl heated up, as if she could guess what I was thinking. Probably could.
她的怒容越来越强烈，仿佛她猜到我在想什么一样，很可能是的。
Some joke.
玩笑而已。
“Shut up, ” I growled.
“闭上你的嘴。”我吼道。
“Do I care?”
“我在乎吗？”
“He’ll probably just kill her anyway,” Leah said. Sneering. “All the stories say that happens more often than not. Maybe a funeral will be better closure than a wedding. Ha.”
“他很可能会直接把她给杀了，”里尔继续不屑地说道，“所有的传说都说那种事情常常发生。或许跟婚礼相比，葬礼反而会是更好的一种结束的方式呢。哈。”
It would be wrong to strike back. I knew that. I was biting my tongue. But she’d be sorry if she didn’t walk away. Now.
反击是错误的，我明白这一点，强迫自己保持沉默。不过，她要是不走开的话会后悔的。现在。
“I can’t stand being in your head anymore! Get over her already! She’s going to marry that thing. He’s going to try to change her into one of them! Time to move on, boy.”
“我无法忍受再在你的脑子里了！我已经忘掉她了！她要嫁给那个东西了，他就试图要把她变成他们中的一个的！是该继续往前走的时候了，孩子。”
When I was in control again, I glowered at her. She was watching my hands as the tremors slowed. Smiling.
我再次控制住自己，愤怒地盯着她。颤抖逐渐慢下来的时候，她注视着我的手，微笑起来。
This time I had to work. I closed my eyes and fought the hot taste in my mouth. I pushed and shoved against the slide of fire down my back, wrestling to keep my shape together while my body tried to shake apart.
这一次我不得不做点什么了。我闭上眼睛，勉强咽下喉咙里火烧火燎的味道。我推攘着把心中的怒火压下去，挣扎着保持身体镇定，而它却想要颤抖着四分五裂。
“If you’re upset about gender confusion, Leah…” I said. Slow, emphasizing each word. “How do you think the rest of us like looking at Sam through your eyes? It’s bad enough that Emily has to deal with your fixation. She doesn’t need us guys panting after him, too.”
“如果你对性别上的迷惑感到很难受的话，里尔……”我说道，慢慢地强调每个字眼儿，“你认为我们其他人多么喜欢透过你的眼睛看山姆？艾米莉不得不应付你的不正常的依恋已经够糟糕的了，她不需要我们这些男孩子也跟着渴望他。”
Sam was going to give me hell for that, but it was worth it. Leah wouldn’t bug me anymore. And I’d do it again if I had the chance.
山姆会为此跟我较劲儿的，不过值得这么做。里尔不会再来烦我了，有机会的话我还会这么做的。
Pissed as I was, I still felt guilty when I watched the spasm of pain shoot across her face.
像我这样恼火的情况下，看见一阵痛苦至极的表情涌上她的脸庞，我仍然感到很内疚。
She scrambled to her feet — pausing only to spit in my direction — and ran for the trees, vibrating like a tuning fork.
她挣扎着站了起来——停了一会儿，为的只是朝我吐口水——然后，像音叉一样振动着就朝森林跑去。
I laughed darkly. “You missed.”
我大笑起来，声音中带着威胁：“你错过了。”
Because her words were still there, scratching themselves into my brain, the pain of it so strong that I could hardly breathe.
因为她的话还在那里，它们胡乱地挤进我的脑海，由此产生的痛苦那么强烈，几乎让我无法呼吸。
But it did matter that she was giving up everything — that she was letting her heart stop and her skin ice over and her mind twist into some crystallized predator’s head. A monster. A stranger.
但是她打算放弃一切——让自己的心脏停止跳动，皮肤冰冷，思想扭曲成某个具体的捕猎者的头脑，一个魔鬼，一个陌生人——这些的确很重要。
It didn’t matter so much that Bella’d chosen someone else over me. That agony was nothing at all. That agony I could live with for the rest of my stupid, too long, stretched-out life.
贝拉选择了别人而不是我并不是那么重要，那种痛苦根本算不了什么。在我的愚蠢的、过于漫长的、延长了的余生中，我能忍受那种痛苦。
I would have thought there was nothing worse than that, nothing more painful in the whole world.
我本会想到没什么比这更糟糕的，在这个世界上不会有什么比这更痛苦的。
But, if he killed her…
但是，如果他杀了她……
Again, I had to fight the rage. Maybe, if not for Leah, it would be good to let the heat change me into a creature who could deal with it better. A creature with instincts so much stronger than human emotions. An animal who couldn’t feel pain in the same way. A different pain. Some variety, at least. But Leah was running now, and I didn’t want to share her thoughts. I cussed her under my breath for taking away that escape, too.
再次，我不得不克制我的怒火。或许，要不是里尔的话，让热量把我变成能够更好地应付此类事情的生物倒是很不错的主意。一种本能比人的情感要强烈得多的生物，一种不会这样感到痛苦的动物。一种别样的痛苦，至少，是一种变化，但是里尔现在在奔跑，我不想分担她的想法，我也小声地责骂她夺走了逃路。
She would be different, and I wondered how that would affect me. Would it be the same as if she had died, to see her standing there like a stone? Like ice? When her scent burned in my nostrils and triggered the instinct to rip, to tear… How would that be? Could I want to kill her? Could I not want to kill one of them?
她会不一样的，我不知道那会如何影响我。看见她像一块石头一样站在那里，会不会和她死了一样呢？像一块冰？当她的气味在我的鼻尖下燃烧，激起扯开撕裂的本能……那会是怎样的呢？我会想要杀死她吗？我不会想杀死他们当中的一个吗？
I watched the swells roll toward the beach. They disappeared from sight under the edge of the cliff, but I heard them beat against the sand. I watched them until it was late, long after dark.
我注视着海浪朝沙滩上滚滚涌来，它们消失在悬崖的边缘上，消失在我的视线中，但是我能听见它们撞击沙砾的声音。我注视着它们直到黄昏过后许久，天色已经很晚。
I had to believe that Bella would survive. But that required trust — a trust I didn’t want to feel, a trust in that bloodsucker’s ability to keep her alive.
我不得不相信贝拉会活下去的，但是那要求信任——那种信任是我不想感受到的，信任那个吸血鬼有能力让她活着。
My hands were shaking in spite of me. What shook them? Anger? Agony? I wasn’t sure what I was fighting now.
尽管我尽力克制，我的手还是在颤抖。什么让它们颤抖的？生气？痛苦？我不确定现在我在克制什么。
Going home was probably a bad idea. But I was hungry, and I couldn’t think of another plan.
回家很可能是个坏主意，但是我很饿，我想不出其他的计划。
I made a face as I pulled my arm through the retarded sling and grabbed my crutches. If only Charlie hadn’t seen me that day and spread the word of my “motorcycle accident.” Stupid props. I hated them.
我做了个鬼脸，反应迟钝地抓住拐杖，把挂在吊带上的胳膊抽回来。要是查理那天没看见我，到处宣传我的“摩托车事故”的话。愚蠢的拐杖，我讨厌它们。
He also talked too much. He was rambling about his day before I could get to the table. He never jabbered like this unless there was something that he didn’t want to say. I ignored him as best I could, concentrating on the food. The faster I choked it down…
他的话也太多了。我还没到餐桌上，他就闲谈起他一天都做过什么了。除非有什么他不想说的事情，他才会这样含混不清地说话。我尽最大可能不去理会他，集中精神吃饭。我能越快咽下……
“… and Sue stopped by today.” My dad’s voice was loud. Hard to ignore. As always. “Amazing woman. She’s tougher than grizzlies, that one. I don’t know how she deals with that daughter of hers, though. Now Sue, she would have made one hell of a wolf. Leah’s more of a wolverine.” He chuckled at his own joke.
“……苏今天碰巧过来，”和平常一样，我爸爸的声音很响亮，很难忽视，“令人惊叹的女人，她那个人比灰熊还坚强。不过，我不知道她如何对付自己的女儿。现在苏，她本来会受不了狼人的，里尔远非是头母狼。”说到自己的笑话，他轻声笑了起来。
Going hungry started to look better when I walked in the house and got a look at my dad’s face. He had something on his mind. It was easy to tell — he always overdid it. Acted all casual.
当我走进房子，看了一眼我父亲的脸的时候，我立刻意识到挨饿倒是更好的选择了。他脑子里在想什么，很容易看出来——他总是做得过头了，太漫不经心了。
He waited briefly for my response, but didn’t seem to see my blank, bored-out-of-my-mind expression. Most days that bugged him. I wished he would shut up about Leah. I was trying not to think about her.
他等了一会儿我的反应，似乎对我烦得要死的空洞表情视而不见。大多数时候，这都会令他烦躁不安。我希望他闭上嘴别谈里尔，我试着不去想她。
“Seth’s a lot easier. Of course, you were easier than your sisters, too, until… well, you have more to deal with than they did.”
“塞思要好多了。当然了，你比你的姐妹们也要好一些，直到……好吧，你要比他们面对更多的问题。”
“A… wedding invitation.”
“一……封婚礼邀请信。”
Every muscle in my body locked into place. A feather of heat seemed to brush down my back. I held onto the table to keep my hands steady.
我身体上的每一块肌肉都僵在原处。一片热量的羽毛似乎轻轻地拂过，在我的后背上飘落，我抓住桌子让手保持平稳。
I could tell that this was the subject he’d been avoiding.
我能猜到这就是他一直避免谈起的话题。
Stupid reverse psychology. I yanked the envelope off the table.
愚蠢的反抗心理，我一把拉下桌上的信封。
“A letter?”
“一封信？”
He pulled a thick ivory envelope from where it was wedged between his leg and the side of his wheelchair. He laid it on the table between us.
他从夹在腿和轮椅一侧的缝隙中抽出一封厚厚的象牙色信封，把它放在我们之间的桌面上。
I sighed, long and deep, and stared out the window.
我叹了一口气，又长又深，盯着窗外。
“You probably don’t need to read it. Doesn’t really matter what it says.”
“你可能不需要读，说的是什么真的很重要吗？”
Billy was quiet for a second too long. “We got a letter today.”
比利，许久没说一句话：“今天我们收到一封信。”
It was some heavy, stiff paper. Expensive. Too fancy for Forks. The card inside was the same, too done-up and formal. Bella’d had nothing to do with this. There was no sign of her personal taste in the layers of see-through, petal-printed pages. I’d bet she didn’t like it at all. I didn’t read the words, not even to see the date. I didn’t care.
这是一种厚重的硬纸，非常昂贵，对福克斯而言太华丽了。里面的卡片是一样的，太合乎礼俗，太正式了，贝拉与此毫无关系。从透明的印花纸张来看，没有迹象表明这是她个人的品位，我打赌她一点儿都不喜欢。我没有读这些话，甚至没看日期，我不在乎。
Billy went on like he hadn’t noticed. “There’s a note inside that’s addressed to you. I didn’t read it.”
比利像注意到了一样，继续说道：“里面有一封留言是给你的，我没有读。”
Jacob,
雅各布：
I flipped it open.
我轻轻地翻开纸。
I’m breaking the rules by sending you this. She was afraid of hurting you, and she didn’t want to make you feel obligated in any way. But I know that, if things had gone the other way, I would have wanted the choice.
我违背规定把这个送给你。她很担心伤害你，而且她不想使你觉得有义务这么做，但是我知道，如果事情反过来，我也想要有选择的。
Edward
爱德华
I promise I will take care of her, Jacob. Thank you — for her — for everything.
我保证会好好照顾她，谢谢你——为她——为所有的一切。
There was a piece of the thick ivory paper folded in half with my name handwritten in black ink on the back. I didn’t recognize the handwriting, but it was as fancy as the rest of it. For half a second, I wondered if the bloodsucker was into gloating.
里面有一页厚厚的象牙色纸对折起来，背面上用黑色的墨水写着我的名字。我没认出这是谁的笔迹，但是这和其他的一样华丽。过了半秒钟，我惊讶那个吸血鬼是不是太心满意足，沾沾自喜了。
“Jake, we only have the one table,” Billy said. He was staring at my left hand.
“杰克，我们只有这么一张桌子。”比利说道，他盯着我的左手。
My fingers were clamped down on the wood hard enough that it really was in danger. I loosened them one by one, concentrating on that action alone, and then clenched my hands together so I couldn’t break anything.
我的手指狠狠地击打在木头上，力气很大真的使它有危险了。我挨个儿地放开它们，把注意力只放在行动上，接着把手握了起来，这样我就不会打破任何东西了。
“Yeah, doesn’t matter anyway,” Billy muttered.
“是的，无论如何都无所谓。”比利低声说道。
I got up from the table, shrugging out of my t-shirt as I stood. Hopefully Leah had gone home by now.
我从餐桌旁站了起来，站着的时候抖动肩膀把T恤衫脱了下来，但愿里尔现在已经回家了。
I was running before I hit the trees, my clothes strewn out behind me like a trail of crumbs — as if I wanted to find my way back. It was almost too easy now to phase. I didn’t have to think. My body already knew where I was going and, before I asked it to, it gave me what I wanted.
在我撞到树之前我就开始奔跑了，我的衣服凌乱地散落在我身后，就像面包屑留下的踪迹一样——仿佛我想要找到来路似的。在我还没问之前，我的身体已经知道我要去哪里了，它带领着我来到我想要去的地方。
So sorry, Embry whispered in my head.
真的很抱歉。安布里在我的脑海中轻声说道。
“Not too late,” Billy mumbled as I punched the front door out of my way.
“不算太晚了，”比利咕哝着我冲出大门挡我的路。
I had four legs now, and I was flying.
我现在有四条腿了，我在飞翔。
Leave me alone, I snarled.
让我一个人静一静。我怒吼道。
But I wasn’t alone.
但是我不是一个人。
Wait for us, Quil complained. He was closer, just starting out from the village.
等等我们。吉尔抱怨道。他离我更近，从村子里出发了。
The trees blurred into a sea of black flowing around me. My muscles bunched and released in an effortless rhythm. I could run like this for days and I would not be tired. Maybe, this time, I wouldn’t stop.
树木变得模糊起来，像黑色的海洋一样从我身边飞过。我的肌肉轻松自如地一张一弛，我可以接连许多天不知疲倦地像这样奔跑。或许，这一次，我不会停下来。
I could see through his eyes. He was far away, to the north, but he had wheeled around and was racing to join me. I growled and pushed myself faster.
我可以看透他的眼睛。他在很遥远的地方，在北边，但是他已经转向，正朝我这边奔跑过来，我咆哮着让自己跑得更快。
I could feel their worry in my head, try hard as I might to drown it in the sound of the wind and the forest. This was what I hated most — seeing myself through their eyes, worse now that their eyes were full of pity. They saw the hate, but they kept running after me.
在我的头脑中我能感受到他们的担心，我尽可能地让风和树鱼贯而过的呼啸声把它淹没。这是我最讨厌的——通过他们的眼睛看见我自己，现在他们的眼里充满同情让我感到更糟糕。他们看见了讨厌，但是他们还是在我身后紧追不舍。
Let him go. Sam’s thought was soft, but still an order. Embry and Quil slowed to a walk.
让他去吧。山姆的思想很轻柔，但是仍然是命令。安布里和吉尔减慢速度，开始走起来。
A new voice sounded in my head.
一个新的声音在我脑海中响起。
Phase back, Sam directed them. I’ll pick you up, Embry.
变回来，山姆命令他们，你先来，安布里。
First one, then another awareness faded into silence. Only Sam was left.
第一个，然后另一个意识逐渐消退成寂静了，只有山姆留了下来。
If only I could stop hearing, stop seeing what they saw. My head was so crowded, but the only way to be alone again was to be human, and I couldn’t stand the pain.
要是我能停止听见，停止看见他们所看见的就好了。我的头脑里面太拥挤了，但是再次一个人清静一下的唯一办法就是变成人形，而我无法忍受这种痛苦。
Thank you, I managed to think.
谢谢你。我设法想到。
Come home when you can. The words were faint, trailing off into blank emptiness as he left, too. And I was alone.
当你能够应付的时候就回家吧。这些话语很微弱，他离开之后慢慢地变成空白的空洞，现在我是一个人了。
So much better. Now I could hear the faint rustle of the matted leaves beneath my toenails, the whisper of an owl’s wings above me, the ocean — far, far in the west — moaning against the beach. Hear this, and nothing more. Feel nothing but speed, nothing but the pull of muscle, sinew, and bone, working together in harmony as the miles disappeared behind me.
这样好多了。现在我能听见我脚趾下像垫子样的树叶发出的沙沙声，老鹰的翅膀在我头上飞过时的呼啸声，还有海洋——在西边，很远，很远——撞击沙滩时发出的呻吟声。我除了听见这些，再也听不见其他的声音了。除了速度什么也感觉不到，肌肉、肌腱、骨头一起和谐地运动拉伸，不一会儿数英里已经消失在我身后了，除此之外，我什么也感觉不到。
If the silence in my head lasted, I would never go back. I wouldn’t be the first one to choose this form over the other. Maybe, if I ran far enough away, I would never have to hear again…
如果我脑海中的沉默持续下去，我永远都不会回来。我不会是选择这种形式而不选其他的第一个人。或许，如果我跑得足够远，远离这里，我就再也听不见了……
I pushed my legs faster, letting Jacob Black disappear behind me.
我加快了脚步，让雅各布·布莱克消失在我身后。
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