故事二: 不论下雨或晴天 |《小夜曲: 音乐与黄昏五故事集》双语小说在线阅读

故事二: 不论下雨或晴天 Come Rain or Come Shine

Like me, Emily loved old American popular songs. She’d go more for the up-tempo numbers, like Irving Berlin’s “Cheek to Cheek” and Cole Porter’s “Begin the Beguine,” while I’d lean towards the bitter-sweet ballads –“Here’s That Rainy Day” or “It Never Entered My Mind.” But there was a big overlap, and anyway, back then, on a university campus in the south of England, it was a near-miracle to find anyone else who shared such passions. Today, a young person’s likely to listen to any sort of music. My nephew, who starts university this autumn, is going through his Argentinian tango phase. He also likes Edith Piaf as well as any number of the latest indie bands. But in our day tastes weren’t nearly so diverse. My fellow students fell into two broad camps: the hippie types with their long hair and flowing garments who liked “progressive rock,” and the neat, tweedy ones who considered anything other than classical music a horrible din. Occasionally you’d bump into someone who professed to be into jazz, but this would always turn out to be of the so-called crossover kind — endless improvisations with no respect for the beautifully crafted songs used as their starting points.

埃米莉和我一样喜欢美国百老汇的老歌。她比较喜欢节奏快一点的曲子，像欧文·伯林[1]的《脸贴着脸》、科尔·波特[2]的《当他们跳起比津舞》，而我倾向于半苦半甜的伤心情歌——《今天下雨天》啦、《我从未想到》啦。但还是有很多歌是我们都喜欢的，而且在那个时候，在英格兰南部的大学校园里，发现有人跟你一样喜欢百老汇算得上是奇迹。现在的年轻人什么歌都听。我侄子今年秋天开始上大学，最近喜欢上了阿根廷探戈。他也喜欢最新的独立乐队的随便什么歌，还喜欢艾迪特·皮雅芙[3]。可是在我们那个时候，口味比较单一。我的同学分为两大阵营：嬉皮士型的，留着长发，穿着飘逸的衣服，喜爱“前卫摇滚”；另一类穿着整齐、高雅，认为古典音乐以外的东西都是可怕的噪音。偶尔也会碰到声称喜欢爵士乐的人，但你每每会发现这种人都是半路出家型的——只知道即兴，不懂得应该从认真打造优美的歌曲开始。【注：[1][2] 美国著名作曲家。[3] 法国著名女歌手】

In that first year, Emily lived in college, and she had in her room a portable record player, a type that was quite common then. It looked like a large hat box, with pale-blue leatherette surfaces and a single built-in speaker. Only when you raised its lid would you see the turntable sitting inside. It gave out a pretty primitive sound by today’s standards, but I remember us crouching around it happily for hours, taking off one track, carefully lowering the needle down onto another. We loved playing different versions of the same song, then arguing about the lyrics, or about the singers’ interpretations. Was that line really supposed to be sung so ironically? Was it better to sing “Georgia on My Mind” as though Georgia was a woman or the place in America? We were especially pleased when we found a recording — like Ray Charles singing “Come Rain or Come Shine”– where the words themselves were happy, but the interpretation was pure heartbreak.

第一年埃米莉住在学校里，她的宿舍里有一台便携式唱片机，当时很常见的那种。长得像个大帽盒，浅蓝色人造皮的面，一个内嵌式喇叭。打开盖子以后才能看见里面的唱机转盘。按今天的标准来讲，它发出来的声音够原始的，可我记得我们常常一连几个小时愉快地蹲在唱片机旁，把一张唱片拿下来，再小心翼翼地把唱针放到另一张上面。我们喜欢放同一首歌的不同版本，然后争论歌词或歌手的演绎。那句歌词是应该唱得这么讽刺吗？唱《乔治亚在我心》这歌应该把乔治亚当作个女人还是美国的一个地方？若发现一首歌——比如雷·查尔斯[8]演唱的《不论下雨或晴天》——歌词本身是快乐的，而演唱成十分悲伤，我们会特别高兴。【注：[8] 美国黑人盲歌手，被誉为“灵魂乐之父”。】

So it was a relief to discover someone else, and a girl at that, who appreciated the Great American Songbook. Like me, Emily collected LPs with sensitive, straightforward vocal interpretations of the standards — you could often find such records going cheap in junk shops, discarded by our parents’ generation. She favoured Sarah Vaughan and Chet Baker. I preferred Julie London and Peggy Lee. Neither of us was big on Sinatra or Ella Fitzgerald.

所以发现有人也喜欢美国爵士金曲，还是个女生，真是欣慰。和我一样，埃米莉也喜欢收集敏感、坦率的声音翻唱的经典曲目的唱片——这类唱片要么在旧货店里慢慢贬值，要么被父辈们丢弃。她喜欢萨拉·沃恩[4]和切特·贝克。我偏好朱莉·伦敦[5]和佩吉·李[6]。我们俩都对辛纳特拉或埃拉·菲茨杰拉德[7]不太感冒。【注：[4] 美国著名爵士乐女歌手。[5] 美国著名女歌手。[6] 美国爵士乐女歌手、作曲家、演员。[7] 美国著名爵士乐女歌手，被誉为“爵士乐第一夫人”。】

Emily’s love of these records was obviously so deep that I’d be taken aback each time I stumbled on her talking to other students about some pretentious rock band or vacuous Californian singer-songwriter. At times, she’d start arguing about a “concept” album in much the way she and I would discuss Gershwin or Harold Arlen, and then I’d have to bite my lip not to show my irritation.

埃米莉太喜欢这些唱片了，每次我无意中撞见她在和别的同学讲某个自命不凡的摇滚乐队或某个空虚无物的加利福尼亚创作歌手，我都会吓一跳。有时，她会像在和我谈论格什温[9]或哈罗德·阿伦[10]那样开始谈论一张“概念”唱片，我得咬紧嘴唇才不把愤怒表现出来。【注：[9] 美国作曲家。[10] 美国爵士乐、音乐剧作曲家。《不论下雨或晴天》即是他的作品。】

Back then, Emily was slim and beautiful, and if she hadn’t settled on Charlie so early in her university career, I’m sure she’d have had a whole bunch of men competing for her. But she was never flirty or tarty, so once she was with Charlie, the other suitors backed off.

那时候的埃米莉苗条、漂亮，要不是她早早就和查理在一起，我相信会有一大堆人追求她。可她从来不风骚、放荡，所以她和查理在一起后，其他追求者就撤退了。

“That’s the only reason I keep Charlie around,” she told me once, with a dead straight face, then burst out laughing when I looked shocked. “Just a joke, silly. Charlie is my darling, my darling, my darling.”

“所以我才把查理留在身边，”有一次她一脸严肃地这样对我说，看见我很吃惊的样子她扑哧笑了出来。“开玩笑的，傻瓜。我爱他，爱他，爱他。”

Charlie was my best friend at university. During that first year, we hung around together the whole time and that was how I’d come to know Emily. In the second year, Charlie and Emily got a house-share down in town, and though I was a frequent visitor, those discussions with Emily around her record player became a thing of the past. For a start, whenever I called round to the house, there were several other students sitting around, laughing and talking, and there was now a fancy stereo system churning out rock music you had to shout over.

查理是我大学时最好的朋友。一年级时我们成天在一起，因此我才认识了埃米莉。第二年，查理和埃米莉在城里找了间房子同居。虽然我常常去他们那，但是那些与埃米莉在唱片机旁的交谈已经成为往事。一来，我每次去，都有几个其他同学坐在那里又说又笑。再者，如今有了一台漂亮的立体声音响大声地播放着摇滚乐，说话都得用喊的。

When I first took up English teaching after university, it seemed a good enough life — much like an extension of university. Language schools were mushrooming all over Europe, and if the teaching was tedious and the hours exploitative, at that age you don’t care too much. You spend a lot of time in bars, friends are easy to make, and there’s a feeling you’re part of a large network extending around the entire globe. You meet people fresh from their spells in Peru or Thailand, and this gets you thinking that if you wanted to, you could drift around the world indefinitely, using your contacts to get a job in any faraway corner you fancied. And always you’d be part of this cosy, extended family of itinerant teachers, swapping stories over drinks about former colleagues, psychotic school directors, eccentric British Council officers.

大学毕业后我选择了教英语，刚开始貌似还不错——很像大学生活的延伸。语言学校在欧洲如雨后春笋般涌现。若说教书很无聊、课酬很低，那个年纪的你不会太在乎。你泡在酒吧里，很容易就交到朋友，感觉自己是一个遍布全球的巨大网络的一部分。你会遇见刚从秘鲁或泰国教了一阵子书回来的人，你会觉得只要你愿意就可以满世界跑，就可以利用你的关系在哪个你向往的遥远的角落找到一份工作。而且你永远是这个舒适的巡回教师大家庭的一分子，一边喝酒一边聊着以前的同事、神经质的学校主管、英国文化协会里的怪人。

Charlie and I have remained close friends through the years. We may not see each other as much as we once did, but that’s mainly down to distances. I’ve spent years here in Spain, as well as in Italy and Portugal, while Charlie’s always based himself in London. Now if that makes it sound like I’m the jet-setter and he’s the stay-at-home, that would be funny. Because in fact Charlie’s the one who’s always flying off — to Texas, Tokyo, New York — to his high-powered meetings, while I’ve been stuck in the same humid buildings year after year, setting spelling tests or conducting the same conversations in slowed-down English. My-name-is-Ray. What-is-your-name? Do-you-have-children?

这些年来查理和我还是好朋友。确实我们不如以前那样常见面，但这主要是因为距离太远。我在意大利、葡萄牙，还有西班牙这里待了好几年，而查理则一直待在伦敦。要是这么说让你觉得好像我是个空中飞人，他是个宅男，那就好笑了。因为查理才是整天飞来飞去的人——得克萨斯、东京、纽约——参加一个个高端会议，而我则年复一年困在潮湿的房子里，安排拼写测试，或者重复着一成不变的慢速英语谈话：“我叫雷。”“你叫什么？”“你有孩子吗？”

In the late ’80s, there was talk of making a lot of money teaching in Japan, and I made serious plans to go, but it never worked out. I thought about Brazil too, even read a few books about the culture and sent off for application forms. But somehow I never got away that far. Southern Italy, Portugal for a short spell, back here to Spain. Then before you know it, you’re forty-seven years old, and the people you started out with have long ago been replaced by a generation who gossip about different things, take different drugs and listen to different music.

八十年代末期听说去日本教书很赚钱，我认真地计划要去，但最终没去成。我还想过去巴西，甚至读了一些介绍那里的文化的书，要了申请表。可不知为什么我从来没有去那么远的地方。我只去意大利南部、葡萄牙教了一阵子书，又回到西班牙。不知不觉就到了四十七岁，身边共事的人早就变成了聊不同话题、嗑不同药、听不同音乐的另一代人。

Meanwhile, Charlie and Emily had married and settled down in London. Charlie told me once, when they had children I’d be godfather to one of them. But that never happened. What I mean is, a child never came along, and now I suppose it’s too late. I have to admit, I’ve always felt slightly let down about this. Perhaps I always imagined that being godfather to one of their children would provide an official link, however tenuous, between their lives in England and mine out here.

与此同时，查理和埃米莉结了婚，在伦敦定居下来。有一次查理对我说，等他们有了孩子以后，要我做一个孩子的教父。可到现在都还没有。我的意思是他们一直没有孩子，我想如今要孩子已经太迟了。我必须承认，我一直觉得有点失望。也许我一直幻想给他们的孩子做教父能让他们在英国的生活与我在这里的生活有了正式的联系，不管这种联系多么微小。

Anyway, at the start of this summer, I went to London to stay with them. It had been arranged well in advance, and when I’d phoned to check a couple of days beforehand, Charlie had said they were both “superbly well.” That’s why I’d no reason to expect anything other than pampering and relaxation after a few months that hadn’t exactly been the best in my life.

总而言之，今年初夏，我去了伦敦待在他们那里。事情已经事先安排妥当，动身前两天，我打电话确认时，查理说他们俩都“很好”。所以我一心只想着在经历了肯定不是我人生最美好的几个月后好好休息、放松一下，根本没想到别的。

In fact, as I emerged out of their local Underground that sunny day, my thoughts were on the possible refinements that might have been added to “my” bedroom since the previous visit. Over the years, there’s almost always been something or other. One time it was some gleaming electronic gadget standing in the corner; another time the whole place had been redecorated. In any case, almost as a point of principle, the room would be prepared for me the way a posh hotel would go about things: towels laid out, a bedside tin of biscuits, a selection of CDs on the dressing table. A few years ago, Charlie had led me in and with nonchalant pride started flicking switches, causing all sorts of subtly hidden lights to go on and off: behind the headboard, above the wardrobe and so on. Another switch had triggered a growling hum and blinds had begun to descend over the two windows.

事实上，那个阳光灿烂的早晨，当我走出伦敦地铁站时，脑子里想着：不知自从我上次来了以后，他们会对“我的”房间做怎样的改进。这些年来，几乎每次都有不一样的东西。有一次，房间的角落里摆着一个闪着光的电子小玩意儿；还有一次，整个房间都重新装修过了。但不管怎样，几乎有一条基本原则，他们按着高级旅馆的样子为我布置房间：摆好毛巾，床头放着一小罐饼干，梳妆台上备着几张CD。几年前，查理带我走进房间，若无其事地炫耀着打开各种开关，各种巧妙地隐藏起来的灯开了关、关了开：床头板后面、衣橱上面等等。还有一个开关按了以后，隆隆隆，两扇窗户上的百叶窗慢慢放了下来。

“Look, Charlie, why do I need blinds?” I’d asked that time.

“查理，我要百叶窗干吗？”那一次我问道。

“These blinds are Swiss,” he’d said, as though this were explanation enough.

“这些百叶窗是瑞士的，”他这么回答，好像这就说明了一切。

But this time Charlie led me up the stairs mumbling to himself, and as we got to my room, I realised he was making excuses. And then I saw the room as I’d never seen it before. The bed was bare, the mattress on it mottled and askew. On the floor were piles of magazines and paperbacks, bundles of old clothes, a hockey stick and a loudspeaker fallen on its side. I paused at the threshold and stared at it while Charlie cleared a space to put down my bag.

可是这一次带我上楼时，查理一直小声咕哝着，等到了我的房间，我才明白他是在道歉。眼前的景象我从未见过。床上空荡荡的，床垫污渍点点、歪歪斜斜。地上一堆堆的杂志、书和旧衣服，还散落着一支曲棍和一个喇叭。我吃惊地站在门口，查理则清理出一个地方放下我的包。

“You look like you’re about to demand to see the manager,” he said, bitterly.

“你那样子好像要见经理，”他挖苦地说。

“I want to see out when I wake up. Just the curtains will do fine.”

“醒来的时候我想看见外面。窗帘就可以了。”

“No, no. It’s just that it’s unusual to see it this way.”

“没有，没有。只是这里看上去和以前不太一样。”

“It’s a mess, I know. A mess.” He sat down on the mattress and sighed. “I thought the cleaning girls would have sorted all this. But of course they haven’t. God knows why not.”

“乱糟糟的，我知道。乱糟糟的。”他在床垫上坐下，叹了口气。“我以为清洁工会来打扫。结果没有。鬼知道怎么没来。”

He seemed very dejected, but then he suddenly sprang to his feet again.

他好像很沮丧，可突然他腾地站了起来。

“Look, let’s go out for some lunch. I’ll leave a note for Emily. We can have a long leisurely lunch and by the time we come back, your room — the whole flat — will be sorted out.”

“走，我们去外面吃午饭吧。我给埃米莉留个信。我们慢慢吃，等我们回来，你的房间——这整间公寓——就都收拾好了。”

“But we can’t ask Emily to tidy everything.”

“可我们不能叫埃米莉收拾。”

What Charlie called their flat was in fact the top two floors of a four-storey terrace in a well-to-do but busy street. We came out of the front door straight into a throng of people and traffic. I followed Charlie past shops and offices to a smart little Italian restaurant. We didn’t have a reservation, but the waiters greeted Charlie like a friend and led us to a table. Looking around I saw the place was full of business types in suits and ties, and I was glad Charlie looked as scruffy as I did. He must have guessed my thoughts, because as we sat down he said:

查理所说的公寓其实是一栋四层楼高的排屋的最顶上两层，位于一条繁华而忙碌的大街上。一出大门就是川流的人群和车辆。我跟着查理走过一家家商店、办公室，到了一家小巧的意大利餐厅。我们没有订座，但餐馆的招待像朋友一样招呼查理，领我们到了一张桌子。我看了看四周，发现周围都是西装领带的商务人士，所以很高兴查理和我一样一副脏兮兮的样子。他好像猜到了我在想什么，我们坐下时，他说道：

“Oh, you’re so home counties, Ray. Anyway, it’s all changed now. You’ve been out of the country too long.” Then in an alarmingly loud voice: “We look like the ones who’ve made it. Everyone else here looks like middle management.” Then he leant towards me and said more quietly: “Look, we’ve got to talk. I need you to do me a favour.”

“哦，你真是乡巴佬，雷。如今都变了。你离开这个国家太久了。”接着他突然提高音量，很大声地说：“我们看上去才是成功人士。这儿的其他人看上去都像中层管理。”说完他倾向我，轻声说：“听着，我们得谈谈。我要你帮我一个忙。”

“Oh, she won’t do it herself. She’ll get on to the cleaners. She knows how to harass them. Me, I don’t even have their number. Lunch, let’s have lunch. Three courses, bottle of wine, everything.”

“哦，她不会自己收拾的。她会去叫清洁工。她知道怎么烦他们。我，我连他们的电话都没有。午饭，我们吃午饭吧。点它三道菜，来瓶红酒什么的。”

I couldn’t remember the last time Charlie had asked my help for anything, but I managed a casual nod and waited. He played with his menu for a few seconds, then put it down.

我不记得上一次查理叫我帮忙是什么时候，但我装作随意地点点头，等他开口。他摆弄了一会儿菜单，然后放下。

“The truth is, Emily and I have been going through a bit of a sticky patch. In fact, just recently, we’ve been avoiding one another altogether. That’s why she wasn’t there just now to welcome you. Right now, I’m afraid, you get a choice of one or the other of us. A bit like those plays when the same actor’s playing two parts. You can’t get both me and Emily in the same room at the same time. Rather childish, isn’t it?”

“是这样的，我和埃米莉正在闹别扭。事实上，最近，我们完全避开对方。所以刚刚她没有来迎接你。如今恐怕你得从我们两个中选一个。有我就没有她，有她就没有我。有点像戏里一人分饰两角。很幼稚，是不是？”

“This is obviously a bad time for me to have come. I’ll go away, straight after lunch. I’ll stay with my Auntie Katie in Finchley.”

“显然我来的不是时候。我走，吃完午饭就走。我去芬奇利找我姑妈凯蒂。”

“No, you idiot, I’m the one who has to clear out. I’ve got to go to a meeting in Frankfurt, I’m flying out this afternoon. I’ll be back in two days, Thursday at the latest. Meanwhile, you stay here. You bring things round, make everything okay again. Then I come back, say a cheerful hello, kiss my darling wife like the last two months haven’t happened, and we pick up again.”

“不是，你这个白痴，该离开的人是我。我得去法兰克福开会，今天下午的飞机。两天以后回来，最迟星期四。而你留在这里善后，让一切恢复原样。等我回来的时候，我愉快地说声‘哈罗’，亲吻亲爱的妻子，就当过去的两个月没发生过，我们又和好如初。”

“What are you talking about? You’re not listening. I just told you. I want you to do me a favour.”

“你说什么啊？你没有在听我说话。我说了，我要你帮我一个忙。”

“I thought that was your way of saying…”

“我以为你指的是……”

He held up his hand and began counting off each instruction as he made it. Our food arrived when he still had a couple of fingers to go, but he ignored it and carried on till he’d finished. Then as we began to eat, he said:

他扳起手指头，开始一条条罗列应该做些什么。我们的菜来了，他还没数完，可他不管，接着数到完。开始吃饭时，他说道：

At this point the waitress came to take our order, and after she’d gone Charlie seemed reluctant to take up the subject again. Instead, he fired questions at me about my life in Spain, and each time I told him anything, good or bad, he’d do this sour little smile and shake his head, like I was confirming his worst fears. At one point I was trying to tell him how much I’d improved as a cook — how I’d prepared the Christmas buffet for over forty students and teachers virtually single-handed — but he just cut me off in mid-sentence.

这时服务生过来点单，她走了以后，查理似乎不愿接着刚才的话茬，而是开始一个劲儿地问我在西班牙过得怎么样。每次我说了件什么事情，不管好事坏事，他都会微微地苦笑一下，摇摇头，好像我说的都验证了他最担心的。我正说到我的厨艺大有进步——我几乎是独自一人为四十多名师生准备了一顿圣诞自助餐——他打断我的话。

“Listen to me,” he said. “Your situation’s hopeless. You’ve got to hand in your notice. But first, you have to get your new job lined up. This Portuguese depressive, use him as a go-between. Secure the Madrid post, then ditch the apartment. Okay, here’s what you do. One.”

他说：“听我说，你这样子下去不行。把工作辞了。但辞职之前你得先找到新工作。用那个愁眉苦脸的葡萄牙人当中间人。保住马德里的职位，然后丢掉那个公寓，另找一个。好，你要这样，首先。”

“You’ll go back and carry on just the same. Then we’ll be here again in a year’s time and you’ll be moaning about exactly the same things.”

“你回去以后还是一切照旧。一年以后我们再见时，你又抱怨一模一样的事情。”

“I can tell you won’t do any of this.”

“我敢说你一条都不会去做。”

“No, no, everything you say is very sound.”

“不，不，你说的每一条都很有道理。”

“I wasn’t moaning…”

“我没有在抱怨……”

“You know, Ray, there’s only so much other people can suggest to you. After a certain point, you’ve got to take charge of your life.”

“要知道，雷，别人只能建议你这么多。到了一定的时候，你得学会自主自己的生活。”

“Okay, I will, I promise. But you were saying earlier, something about a favour.”

“好，我会的。我答应你。但是刚才你说有事要我帮忙。”

“Ah yes.” He chewed his food thoughtfully. “To be honest, this was my real motive in inviting you over. Of course, it’s great to see you and all of that. But for me, the main thing, I wanted you to do something for me. After all you’re my oldest friend, a life-long friend…”

“啊，对。”他若有所思地嚼着嘴里的食物。“说实话，这才是我叫你来的真正目的。当然，我也很想见到你什么的。但是最主要的是，我想请你帮我一个忙。毕竟你是我认识最久的朋友，一辈子的朋友……”

Suddenly he began eating again, and I realised with astonishment he was sobbing quietly. I reached across the table and prodded his shoulder, but he just kept shovelling pasta into his mouth without looking up. When this had gone on for a minute or so, I reached over and gave him another little prod, but this had no more effect than my first one. Then the waitress appeared with a cheerful smile to check on our food. We both said everything was excellent and as she went off, Charlie seemed to become more himself again.

突然他又低头吃饭，我惊讶地发现他在轻声啜泣。我伸手去拍拍他的肩膀，但他只是低着头、一个劲儿地往嘴里塞意面。就这样过了一分钟左右，我又伸手去拍拍他的肩头，但跟第一次一样没有什么效果。这时服务生微笑着走过来问我们今天的菜怎么样，我俩都说菜好极了。她走了以后，查理好像情绪稳定了一些。

“That’s it. Or rather, let her look after you. You’re the guest. I’ve lined up some things for you to do. Theatre tickets and so on. I’ll be back Thursday at the latest. Your mission’s just to get her in a good mood and keep her that way. So when I come in and say, ‘Hello darling,’ and hug her, she’ll just reply, ‘Oh hello, darling, welcome home, how was everything,’ and hug me back. Then we can carry on as before. Before all this horrible stuff began. That’s your mission. Quite simple really.”

“没错。或者说，让她照顾你。你是客人。我给你找了些事做，看戏什么的。我最迟星期四就回来了。你的任务就是让她一直保持好心情。这样当我回来的时候，我说‘哈罗，亲爱的’，拥抱她，她就回答说，‘哦，哈罗，亲爱的，欢迎回来，这几天好吗？’然后拥抱我。这样我们就和好如初。如同当初噩梦开始以前。这就是你的任务。很简单。”

“That’s all? You’re just asking me to look after her while you’re gone?”

“就这样？你要我在你不在的时候照顾她？”

“I’m happy to do anything I can,” I said. “But look, Charlie, are you sure she’s in the mood to entertain visitors? You’re obviously going through some sort of crisis. She must be as upset as you are. Quite honestly, I don’t understand why you asked me here right now.”

“我很乐意尽我所能，”我说。“可是，查理，你确定她现在有心情招待客人？你们显然出现了什么危机。她一定和你一样心烦意乱。老实说，我不理解为什么你这个时候叫我来。”

“Okay, Ray, listen. What I’m asking you to do is dead simple. All I want is for you to hang about with Emily for the next few days, be a pleasant guest. That’s all. Just until I get back.”

“好，雷，听着。我要你做的事简单得不得了。我要你这几天跟埃米莉待在一起，在我们家好好做客。就这样。直到我回来。”

“What do you mean, you don’t understand? I’ve asked you because you’re my oldest friend. Yes, all right, I’ve got a lot of friends. But when it comes down to it, when I thought hard about it, I realised you’re the only one who’d do.”

“你不理解？什么意思？我叫你来是因为你是我认识最久的朋友。对，没错，我有很多朋友。可是在这件事情上，我想来想去，发现只有你能行。”

“Just do it for me, Ray. I think it might work. Emily’s always cheered up by you.”

“帮帮我吧，雷。我想能行的。你总是能让埃米莉开心起来。”

I have to admit I was rather moved by this. All the same, I could see there was something not quite right here, something he wasn’t telling me.

我承认听了他的话我很感动。但同时，我能察觉到这里头有什么事不对劲，有什么事他没有告诉我。

“I can understand you inviting me to stay if you were both going to be here,” I said. “I can see how that would work. You’re not talking to each other, you invite a guest as a diversion, you both put on your best behaviour, things start to thaw. But it’s not going to work in this case, because you’re not going to be here.”

“要是你们俩都在这里的话，我能理解你叫我来住，”我说。“我能理解那样做的用意。你们互相不说话，找个客人来转移目标，你们俩都拿出最好的表现来，事情就慢慢缓和了。可现在不是这样的，你不在这里。”

“Cheered up by me? You know, Charlie, I want to help. But it’s possible you’ve got this a bit wrong. Because I get the impression, quite frankly, Emily isn’t cheered up by me at all, even at the best of times. The last few visits here, she was… well, distinctly impatient with me.”

“我让她开心？查理，你知道我想帮你。可是你肯定哪里搞错了。因为我印象中，说实话，我根本不能让埃米莉开心，即便是在最美好的时候。最近几次我到这里来，她……呃，她显然对我不耐烦。”

“Look, Ray, just trust me. I know what I’m doing.”

“听着，雷，相信我。我知道自己在做什么。”

“Nice to see you, Raymond,” she said, kissing me quickly on the cheek, then sitting down again. The whole way she did this made me want to blurt out a profuse apology for intruding at such a bad time. But before I could say anything, she thumped the space beside her on the sofa, saying: “Now, Raymond, sit down here and answer my questions. I want to know all about what you’ve been up to.”

“见到你真好，雷蒙德。”她说，敷衍地吻了吻我的脸颊，然后又坐了下去。她的这种态度让我忍不住想说抱歉，深深地抱歉在这个时候打扰他们。可不等我开口，埃米莉就拍了拍身旁的沙发，说：“来，雷蒙德，坐这里，回答我的问题。我想知道你所有的近况。”

I sat down and she began to interrogate me, much as Charlie had done in the restaurant. Charlie, meanwhile, was packing for his journey, drifting in and out of the room in search of various items. I noticed they didn’t look at each other, but neither did they seem so uncomfortable being in the same room, despite what he’d claimed. And although they never spoke directly to each other, Charlie kept joining in the conversation in an odd, once-removed manner. For instance, when I was explaining to Emily why it was so difficult to find a flat-mate to share my rent burden, Charlie shouted from the kitchen:

我坐了下来，她开始不停地问我问题，跟刚刚查理在饭馆里一样。而这时候查理在收拾他的行李，在屋子里进进出出，找这找那。我注意到他们避开对方的视线，可并没有像查理说的那样，因为待在同一个屋子里而感觉不自在。他们没有直接交谈，但是查理用一种奇怪的、间接的方式参与谈话。比如说，当我在跟埃米莉解释为什么很难找到一个室友分担房租时，查理在厨房里大声说道：

Emily was at the flat when we returned. I have to admit, I was taken aback at how much she’d aged. It wasn’t just that she’d got significantly heavier since my last visit: her face, once so effortlessly graceful, was now distinctly bull-doggy, with a displeased set to the mouth. She was sitting on the living-room sofa reading the Financial Times, and got up rather glumly as I came in.

我们回去时，埃米莉在公寓里。我得承认我被她的老态吓了一跳。她不仅比我上次见到她时胖了许多：她过去那张自然而美丽的脸，如今赘肉明显，嘴角上还挂着怒气。她正坐在客厅的沙发上阅读《金融时报》，看见我进来，闷闷不乐地站了起来。

Emily made no response to this, but must have absorbed the information, because she then went on: “Raymond, you should never have chosen an apartment like that.”

埃米莉没有回答，但她显然是听进去了，因为她接着说道：“雷蒙德，你不应该找那样的公寓。”

“The place he’s in, it’s just not geared up for two people! It’s for one person, and one person with a bit more money than he’ll ever have!”

“他住的地方不适合两人合住！适合一个人住，一个比他收入高一些的人住！”

This sort of thing continued for at least the next twenty minutes, Charlie making his contributions from the stairs or as he passed through to the kitchen, usually by shouting out some statement that referred to me in the third person. At one point, Emily suddenly said:

接下来至少二十分钟，我们都是这样子交谈。查理在楼梯上或者要去厨房时说上几句，通常是大声地从第三者的角度说说我的事情。讲着讲着，埃米莉突然说道：

“Oh, honestly Raymond. You let yourself be exploited left, right and centre by that ghastly language school, you let your landlord rip you off silly, and what do you do? Get in tow with some airhead girl with a drink problem and not even a job to support it. It’s like you’re deliberately trying to annoy anyone who still gives a shit about you!”

“哦，说真的，雷蒙德。你处处被那所可恶的语言学校剥削，傻傻地让房东多收你的钱，而你做了什么？跟爱喝酒、还没有工作的傻姑娘混在一起。你好像故意要跟这些还关心你的人过不去！”

“He can’t expect many of that tribe to survive!” Charlie boomed from the hall. I could hear he had his suitcase out there now. “It’s all very well behaving like an adolescent ten years after you’ve ceased to be one. But to carry on like this when you’re nearly fifty!”

“这些人不多了！”查理在走廊里大声说道。我听见他已经把箱子拖到外面去了。“你二十几岁时像个愣头青没有问题。可你都已经快五十了还这样！”

“What do you mean, you’re only forty-seven?” Emily’s voice was unnecessarily loud given I was sitting right next to her. “Only forty-seven. This ‘only,’ this is what’s destroying your life, Raymond. Only, only, only. Only doing my best. Only forty-seven. Soon you’ll be only sixty-seven and only going round in bloody circles trying to find a bloody roof to keep over your head!”

“什么叫你只有四十七？”埃米莉嚷了起来，虽然我就坐在她身边。“只有四十七。就是这个‘只有’毁了你的人生，雷蒙德。只有，只有，只有。只不过尽力了。只有四十七。很快你就只有六十七，只不过在到处找一个安身之处！”

“He needs to get his bloody arse together!” Charlie yelled down the staircase. “Fucking well pull his socks up till they’re touching his fucking balls!”

“他得振作些才行！”查理在楼梯上吼道。“别人把他逼急了他才会努力！”

“Raymond, don’t you ever stop and ask yourself who you are?” Emily asked. “When you think of all your potential, aren’t you ashamed? Look at how you lead your life! It’s… it’s simply infuriating! One gets so exasperated!”

“雷蒙德，难道你不曾停下来问问自己是什么人？”埃米莉问道。“想想你的潜力，你不觉得羞愧吗？看看你现在过的是什么生活！这种生活……这种生活怎么让人受得了！简直欺人太甚！”

“I’m only forty-seven…”

“我只有四十七……”

Charlie appeared in the doorway in his raincoat, and for a moment they were shouting different things at me simultaneously. Then Charlie broke off, announced he was leaving — as though in disgust at me — and vanished.

查理穿着雨衣出现在门口。一时间，他们两个同时朝我开火，各骂各的。最后查理先收声，说他要走了——像是因为讨厌我似的——接着就离开了。

His departure brought Emily’s diatribe to a halt, and I took the opportunity to get to my feet, saying: “Excuse me, I’ll just go and give Charlie a hand with his luggage.”

查理的离开使埃米莉的谩骂暂告一段落。我利用这个机会站起来，说：“抱歉，我去帮查理拿行李。”

“Why do I need help with my luggage?” Charlie said from the hall. “I’ve only got the one bag.”

“我干吗要你帮我拿行李？”查理在走廊里说。“我只有一个包。”

“I think,” I said, eventually, “I have an idea why it had to be me and no one else.”

我终于说道：“我想我知道你为什么选我，而不选别人了。”

I went up to him and said: “Charlie, I don’t think it’s going to work.”

我走上前去，说：“查理，我想行不通。”

But he let me follow him down into the street and left me with the suitcase while he went to the edge of the kerb to hail a cab. There didn’t seem to be any to hand, and he leaned out worriedly, an arm half-raised.

可他还是让我跟他下了楼，我看着包，他自己到路边去拦的士。路上没有一辆的士，他担心地探出身去，举着一只胳膊。

“Emily absolutely hates me. That’s her after seeing me for a few minutes. What’s she going to be like after three days? Why on earth do you think you’ll come back to harmony and light?”

“埃米莉绝对是讨厌我。她见了我几分钟就这个样子，三天以后会成什么样呢？你到底凭什么觉得你回来的时候会雨过天晴呢？”

“Yes, maybe I do.”

“对，可能是。”

“What’s not going to work?”

“什么行不通？”

“Ah ha. Can it be Ray sees the light?”

“啊哈。雷突然开窍了？”

“But what does it matter? It remains the same, exactly the same, what I’m asking you to do.” Now there were tears in his eyes again. “Do you remember, Ray, the way Emily always used to say she believed in me? She said it for years and years. I believe in you, Charlie, you can go all the way, you’re really talented. Right up until three, four years ago, she was still saying it. Do you know how trying that got? I was doing all right. I am doing all right. Perfectly okay. But she thought I was destined for… God knows, president of the fucking world, God knows! I’m just an ordinary bloke who’s doing all right. But she doesn’t see that. That’s at the heart of it, at the heart of everything that’s gone wrong.”

“但是那又怎么样？没有变，我要你做的事没有变。”这时他的眼睛里又有了泪水。“雷，你还记得以前埃米莉常说她相信我时的模样吗？她说了一年又一年。我相信你，查理，你前途无量，你那么有才华。直到三四年前，她都还一直这么说。你知道这话变得多让人难受吗？我混得不错。现在还混得不错。很不错。可她以为我应该成为……天晓得，成为这个世界的总统，天晓得！我只是一个混得不错的普通人。可她不这么认为。这就是核心，所有问题的核心。”

Even as I was saying this, something was dawning on me and I fell silent. Noticing the change, Charlie turned and looked at me carefully.

说着说着，我心里好像豁然开朗，我不做声了。查理发觉到不对劲，转过身来，仔细地打量着我。

“She thinks I’ve let myself down,” he was saying. “But I haven’t. I’m doing perfectly okay. Endless horizons are all very well when you’re young. But get to our age, you’ve got to… you’ve got to get some perspective. That’s what kept going round in my head whenever she got unbearable about it. Perspective, she needs perspective. And I kept saying to myself, look, I’m doing okay. Look at loads of other people, people we know. Look at Ray. Look what a pig’s arse he’s making of his life. She needs perspective.”

“她觉得我不够努力，”他边走边说。“可我没有。我做得很不错。年轻时有无尽的梦想是好的。可是到了我们这个年纪，你就得……你就得现实点了。每当埃米莉实在不可理喻时，我脑子里都这么想。现实，她应该面对现实。我一直对自己说，看，我做得不错。看看其他人，我们认识的人。看看雷。看看他过得像什么鸟样。埃米莉应该面对现实。”

He began to walk slowly along the pavement, very preoccupied. I hurried back to get his suitcase and began pulling it along on its rollers. The street was still fairly crowded, so it was a struggle to keep up with him without crashing the bag into other pedestrians. But Charlie kept walking at a steady pace, oblivious to my difficulties.

查理开始沿着人行道慢慢往前走，陷入沉思。我赶忙转回身去拿他的箱子，拖动轮子。街上人还很多，我很难一面跟上他，一面注意不让箱子撞到行人。可查理还是一步步朝前走去，全然不顾我的难处。

“So you decided to invite me for a visit. To be Mr. Perspective.”

“所以你就把我叫来了。来当‘现实先生’。”

At last, Charlie stopped and met my eye. “Don’t get me wrong, Ray. I’m not saying you’re an awful failure or anything. I realise you’re not a drug addict or a murderer. But beside me, let’s face it, you don’t look the highest of achievers. That’s why I’m asking you, asking you to do this for me. Things are on their last legs with us, I’m desperate, I need you to help. And what am I asking, for God’s sake? Just that you be your usual sweet self. Nothing more, nothing less. Just do it for me, Raymond. For me and Emily. It’s not over between us yet, I know it isn’t. Just be yourself for a few days until I get back. That’s not so much to ask, is it?”

查理终于停下脚步，回过头来看着我。“别误会，雷。不是说你真的一无是处。你既不是瘾君子也不是杀人犯。可实话实说，跟我比起来，你不像是最成功的。所以我叫你来，叫你来帮帮我。我们的关系快完了，我已经无计可施了。我需要你的帮助。而且老天啊，我叫你做什么？只不过是做你自己。你平时怎么样，现在还怎么样。不多也不少。帮帮我吧，雷蒙德。帮帮我和埃米莉。我们还没结束，我知道还没有。我不在这几天好好在我们家做客。这个要求不过分吧？”

“Why should she? She knows I’ve got an important meeting in Frankfurt. To her the whole thing’s straightforward. She’s just looking after a guest, that’s all. She likes to do that and she likes you. Look, a taxi.” He waved frantically and as the driver came towards us, he grasped my arm. “Thanks, Ray. You’ll swing it for us, I know you will.”

“发现什么？她知道我要去法兰克福开一个很重要的会。对她来说，这事再简单不过了。她就是接待一个客人。她很乐意，她喜欢你。啊，的士。”他拼命挥手，车朝我们开过来。这时，他抓住我的手臂。“谢谢你，雷。你要替我们扭转局面，我知道你能行。”

I returned to find Emily’s manner had undergone a complete transformation. She welcomed me into the apartment the way she might a very aged and frail relative. There were encouraging smiles, gentle touches on the arm. When I agreed to some tea, she led me into the kitchen, sat me down at the table, then for a few seconds stood there regarding me with a concerned expression. Eventually she said, softly:

我回到公寓，发现埃米莉的态度全变了。她像欢迎一个年老体衰的亲戚一样把我迎进屋。她面带和蔼的微笑，轻轻地拍拍我的手臂。她问我要不要喝茶，我说好，她就带我进了厨房，让我在桌子旁坐下，然后站在一旁关切地看了我一会儿。末了，她轻声说道：

I took a deep breath and said: “Okay, okay, if you think it’ll help. But isn’t Emily going to see through all this sooner or later?”

我深吸了一口气，说：“好，好，要是你觉得这样能行。可埃米莉迟早都会发现的，不是吗？”

“I’m so sorry I went on at you like that earlier, Raymond. I’ve got no right to talk to you like that.” Then turning away to make the tea, she went on: “It’s years now since we were at university together. I always forget that. I’d never dream of talking to any other friend that way. But when it’s you, well, I suppose I look at you and it’s like we’re back there, the way we all were then, and I just forget. You really mustn’t take it to heart.”

“我很抱歉刚才那样子说你，雷蒙德。我没有权利那样子说你。”她转过身去泡茶，接着说：“我老是忘记我们已经离开大学好多年了。我做梦也想不到我会那样子说其他的朋友。可如果是你，咳，我想我看见你就以为又回到了过去，回到了从前，忘了早就离开大学了。你千万别往心里去。”

“I’m so sorry I upset you.” She was carefully laying out rows of biscuits on a plate in front of me. “The thing is, Raymond, back in those days, we could say virtually anything to you, you’d just laugh and we’d laugh, and everything would be a big joke. It’s so silly of me, thinking you could still be like that.”

“很抱歉我惹你生气了。”她仔细地把一排排饼干摆在我面前的盘子里。“记得吗，雷蒙德，以前我们对你几乎是想说什么就说什么，你只是笑笑，我们也笑笑，什么事情都是玩笑一场。我真是太傻了，以为你还可以像从前那样。”

“No, no. I haven’t taken it to heart at all.” I was still thinking about the conversation I’d just had with Charlie, and probably seemed distant. I think Emily misinterpreted this, because her voice became even more gentle.

“没，没有。我根本没放在心上。”我还在想着刚才查理说的话，有点心不在焉的样子。我想埃米莉以为我在生气，她的声音更温柔了。

“I didn’t realise,” she went on, apparently not hearing me, “how different you are now. How close to the edge you must be.”

她显然没有听见我的话，接着说：“我没想到现在的你不一样了。你已经快走投无路了。”

“Look, really Emily, I’m not so bad…”

“听着，埃米莉，说真的，我还没有到……”

“Well, actually, I am more or less still like that. I didn’t think anything of it.”

“啊，其实我现在还和以前差不多。我一点儿也不介意。”

“Fall, you mean.”

“你是说掉下去吧。”

“I suppose the passing years have just left you high and dry. You’re like a man on the precipice. One more tiny push and you’ll crack.”

“我想这些年的生活已经把你折磨得够呛了。你像个到了悬崖边的人，再轻轻一推就会崩溃了。”

She’d been fiddling with the kettle, but now turned round to stare at me again. “No, Raymond, don’t talk like that. Not even in fun. I don’t ever want to hear you talking like that.”

她刚刚在摆弄水壶，这会儿再次转过身来注视着我。“别这样，雷蒙德，别说这种话。开玩笑也不要。我永远不要听见你说这种话。”

“I’m so sorry, Ray, but I’ve got to get back to the office now. There are two meetings I absolutely can’t miss. If only I’d known how you’d be, I wouldn’t have deserted you. I’d have made other arrangements. But I haven’t, I’m expected back. Poor Raymond. What will you do here, all by yourself?”

“很抱歉，雷，我得回办公室去了。有两个会我一定得去。我要是知道你会这样，我是不会把你一个人留下的。我会另做安排的。可现在我得回去。可怜的雷蒙德。你一个人在这里怎么好呢？”

I decided it might be best not to respond this time, and for a few moments we waited quietly for the kettle to boil. She prepared a cup for me, though not for herself, and placed it in front of me.

这次我决定还是别应的好，我们就静静地等水开。一会儿，水开了，她给我泡了一杯茶放在面前，没有给自己也倒一杯。

“Oh, you poor thing.” She still didn’t seem to take in what I was saying. “You’re only a husk of the Raymond from those days.”

“哦，可怜的人儿。”她好像还是没有理解我的话。“只剩下一副外壳。”

“No, you misunderstand. You said I’d crack, but if I’m on a precipice, then I’d fall, not crack.”

“不，你误会了。你说我会崩溃，可要是我站在悬崖边，我应该掉下去，而不是崩溃。”

“That’s terribly sweet of you, wanting to help. But I think it’s best you rest just now. After all, an unfamiliar kitchen can be the source of so much stress. Why don’t you just make yourself completely at home, have a herbal bath, listen to some music. I’ll take care of dinner when I come in.”

“你想帮忙真是太好了。但我想你还是休息吧。毕竟在一个不熟悉的厨房很容易会手忙脚乱。你就把这里当作自己家，泡个药澡，听听音乐。我回来以后再来做晚饭。”

“I’ll be terrific. Really. In fact, I was thinking. Why don’t I get our dinner ready while you’re gone? You probably won’t believe this, but I’ve become a pretty good cook these days. In fact, we had this buffet just before Christmas…”

“我没问题的，真的。其实我在想，你不在时我干吗不来准备晚餐呢？你可能不信，可是我最近厨艺大有长进。事实上，圣诞节前我们的自助餐……”

When I woke up, the afternoon sun was coming into the flat. Getting off the sofa, I began a little nose-around. Perhaps the cleaners had indeed been in during our lunch, or maybe Emily had done the tidying herself; in any case, the large living room was looking pretty immaculate. Tidiness aside, it had been stylishly done up, with modern designer furniture and arty objects — though someone being unkind might have said it was all too obviously for effect. I took a browse through the books, then glanced through the CD collection. It was almost entirely rock or classical, but finally, after some searching, I found tucked away in the shadows a small section devoted to Fred Astaire, Chet Baker, Sarah Vaughan. It puzzled me that Emily hadn’t replaced more of her treasured vinyl collection with their CD reincarnations, but I didn’t dwell on this, and wandered off into the kitchen.

一觉醒来，午后的太阳正照进公寓。我从沙发上起来，开始东看看西看看。可能是清洁工在我们外出吃午饭的时候真的来过了，也可能是埃米莉自个儿打扫了，总之现在偌大的客厅看上去一尘不染。客厅不仅是干净，还很有品位，摆设着时髦的家具和艺术品——虽然刻薄的人可能会说太做作了。我扫了一眼摆着的图书，然后是CD。基本上全是摇滚和古典乐，可经过一番搜寻，我在角落里找到了几张弗雷德·阿斯泰尔[11]、切特·贝克和萨拉·沃恩的CD。我奇怪埃米莉怎么没有把其他她珍爱的唱片也换成CD，但我没有在CD这里停留太久，而是溜达去了厨房。【注：[11] 美国演员，被誉为歌舞之王。】

“No, Ray, you’re just to relax.” She produced a business card and placed it on the table. “This has got my direct line on it, my mobile too. I’ve got to go now, but you can call me any time you want. Now remember, don’t take on anything stressful while I’m gone.”

“不，雷，你就休息吧。”她拿出一张名片，放在桌上。“这上面有我的直线电话和手机。我得走了，但你随时可以打电话给我。记住，我不在时别给自己找难题。”

“But you don’t want to worry about food after a long day at the office.”

“可是你工作了一整天不会想再操心晚饭的事。”

For some time now I’ve been finding it hard to relax properly in my own apartment. If I’m alone at home, I get increasingly restless, bothered by the idea that I’m missing some crucial encounter out there somewhere. But if I’m left by myself in someone else’s place, I often find a nice sense of peace engulfing me. I love sinking into an unfamiliar sofa with whatever book happens to be lying nearby. And that’s exactly what I did this time, after Emily had left. Or at least, I managed to read a couple of chapters of Mansfield Park before dozing off for twenty minutes or so.

一段时间以来，我发现我在自己家里没办法好好休息。我要是一个人在家就会越来越焦躁不安，总觉得外头有什么重要的邂逅在等着我。可我要是一个人在别人家里反而常常能得到安宁。我喜欢窝在陌生的沙发里，随手拿本书来看。这正是埃米莉走了以后我做的事情。或者说，我至少看了两章《曼斯菲尔德庄园》才打了个二十来分钟的盹。

I was opening up a few cupboards in search of biscuits or a chocolate bar when I noticed what seemed to be a small notebook on the kitchen table. It had purple cushioned covers, which made it stand out amidst the sleek minimalist surfaces of the kitchen. Emily, in a big hurry just before she’d left, had been emptying and re-filling her bag on the table while I’d been drinking my tea. Obviously she’d left the notebook behind by mistake. But then in almost the next instant another idea came to me: that this purple book was some kind of intimate diary, and Emily had left it there on purpose, fully intending for me to have a peek; that for whatever reason, she’d felt unable to confide more openly, so had resorted to this way of sharing her inner turmoil.

我打开碗橱找饼干、巧克力什么的，突然看见厨房的桌子上有一本小记事本。带衬垫的紫色封面在光滑而极其简洁的厨房里特别显眼。刚刚我喝茶时，埃米莉匆匆忙忙地准备出门，把包里的东西统统倒到桌子上，再重新装进去。一定是那个时候落下的。可马上另一种念头出现在我脑子里：这个紫色的小本子是一本私密日记，是埃米莉故意留下来要我看的；出于某种原因，她无法公开表达她的感受，于是用这种方式来倾诉她内心的混乱。

I stood there for a while, staring at the notebook. Then I reached forward, inserted my forefinger into the pages at the mid-way point and gingerly levered it up. The sight of Emily’s closely packed handwriting inside made me pull my finger out, and I moved away from the table, telling myself I had no business nosing in there, never mind what Emily had intended in an irrational moment.

我站在那儿盯着记事本。过了一会儿，我走上前去，把食指伸进记事本当中，小心翼翼地翻开。埃米莉挤挤挨挨的字映入我的眼帘，我一下子把手收了回来，离开餐桌，告诉自己我不应该偷看埃米莉的本子，不管她一时昏了头想干什么。

I went back into the living room, settled into the sofa and read a few more pages of Mansfield Park. But now I found I couldn’t concentrate. My mind kept going back to the purple notebook. What if it hadn’t been an impulsive action at all? What if she’d planned this for days? What if she’d composed something carefully for me to read?

我回到客厅，在沙发上坐下，又看了几页《曼斯菲尔德庄园》。可现在我集中不了精神。我的脑子一直回想着那个紫色的记事本。那会不会不是一时冲动，而是她计划了好几天的呢？她会不会认真地写了一些东西要我读呢？

Another one ran: “Finish Philip Bloody Roth. Give back to Marion!”

还有一条写着：“他妈的菲利普·罗斯读完了。还给马里恩！”

After another ten minutes, I went back into the kitchen and stared some more at the purple notebook. Then I sat down, where I’d sat before to drink my tea, slid the notebook towards me, and opened it.

十分钟后，我又回到厨房，盯着紫色记事本。然后，我在刚刚喝茶的椅子上坐下来，把本子拉到面前，打开。

One thing that became quickly apparent was that if Emily confided her innermost thoughts to a diary, then that book was elsewhere. What I had before me was at best a glorified appointments diary; under each day she’d scrawled various memos to herself, some with a distinct aspirational dimension. One entry in bold felt-tip went: “If still not phoned Mathilda, WHY THE HELL NOT??? DO IT!!!”

很快我就弄清楚了一个问题：埃米莉要是有一本记录内心深处秘密的日记本的话，一定在别处。我面前的这个本子顶多只是一本顶漂亮的日志，每天埃米莉都潦草地记着些提醒自己记得去做的事情，有些字写得超大。比如有一条用粗的毡头墨水笔写着：“还没给马蒂尔达打电话，怎么又忘了？？？记得打！！！”

Then, as I kept turning the pages, I came across: “Raymond coming Monday. Groan, groan.”

我一页页地翻过去，突然，我看见：“雷蒙德星期一来。痛苦啊，痛苦。”

Finally, written that very morning, amidst reminders for various chores: “Buy wine for arrival of Prince of Whiners.”

最后，在今天早上刚记的几件琐事中有一条：“牢骚王子要来了，记得买酒。”

I turned a couple more pages to find: “Ray tomorrow. How to survive?”

我又翻了两页，发现：“雷明天就来了。怎么活？”

Prince of Whiners? It took me some time to accept this really could be referring to me. I tried out all sorts of possibilities — a client? a plumber?– but in the end, given the date and the context, I had to accept there was no other serious candidate. Then suddenly the sheer unfairness of her giving me such a title hit me with unexpected force, and before I knew it, I’d screwed up the offending page in my hand.

牢骚王子？我犹豫了好一会儿才不得不承认这个称呼指的是我。我设想了种种可能——客户？水管工人？——可是最后，看看日期，看看前前后后，我不得不承认不可能有其他更靠谱的候选人了。突然间，一股无名的怒火涌了上来：她怎么可以给我安一个如此不公平的头衔？我一气之下把那张讨厌的纸捏作一团。

It wasn’t a particularly fierce action: I didn’t even tear the page. I’d simply closed my fist on it in a single motion, and the next second I was in control again, but of course, by then, it was too late. I opened my hand to discover not only the page in question but also the two beneath it had fallen victim to my wrath. I tried to flatten the pages back to their original form, but they simply curled back up again, as though their deepest wish was to be transformed into a ball of rubbish.

我的动作并不是很用力：连纸都没有撕下来。我只是一把捏紧了拳头，转眼我就恢复了理智，可是当然了，为时已晚。我放开手，发现不单单那张纸被我一气之下捏坏了，连底下两页也遭了殃。我拼命把纸张弄平，可它们还是皱起来，好像它们就是很想被捏成一团垃圾。

“I’m at the airport,” he said. “The flight’s been delayed. I want to call the car service that’s picking me up in Frankfurt, but I didn’t bring their number. So I need you to read it over to me.”

“我在机场，”他说。“飞机晚点了。我想给要在法兰克福接我的汽车服务公司打个电话，可我没带他们的电话。所以我要你给我念一下。”

I decided to ignore it, and went on trying to think through the implications of what had just happened. But then the answering machine came on and I could hear Charlie’s voice leaving a message. Perhaps I sensed a lifeline, perhaps I just wanted someone to confide in, but I found myself rushing into the living room and grabbing the phone off the glass coffee table.

我决定不理睬电话，继续想搞清楚我刚刚的失误会有什么后果。但是不一会儿电话答录机响了，我听见查理在留言的声音。也许我觉得抓到了救命稻草，也许我只是想找人倾诉一下，总之是我发现自己冲到了客厅，抓起玻璃咖啡桌上的电话听筒。

“Oh, you are there.” Charlie sounded slightly cross I’d interrupted his message.

“哦，你在啊。”查理好像有点生气我打断了他的留言。

“Charlie, listen. I’ve just done something rather stupid.”

“查理，听着。我刚刚做了一件蠢事。”

All the same, for quite some time, I carried on performing a kind of panicked ironing motion on the damaged pages. I was just about coming to accept that my efforts were pointless — that nothing I now did could successfully conceal what I’d done — when I became aware of a phone ringing somewhere in the apartment.

尽管如此，我还是继续固执地想把被我捏坏的纸张弄平，心里忐忑不安。正当我准备放弃的时候——我现在不管做什么都掩盖不了我的失误——我听见屋子里有电话在响。

“Look, I’ve just done something stupid. I don’t know what to do.”

“听着，我刚刚做了一件蠢事。我不知道怎么办才好。”

“Just accept it, Ray. You’re wrong. There’s no other woman. I’m going now to Frankfurt to attend a meeting about changing our agency in Poland. That’s where I’m going right now.”

“承认吧，雷。你错了。没有第三者。我现在是要去法兰克福开一个有关更换我们波兰代理的会。我只是要去干这个。”

There was quiet for a few seconds. Then he said: “Maybe you’re thinking, Ray. Maybe you’re thinking there’s someone else. That I’m going off now to see her. It occurred to me that might be what you were thinking. After all, it would fit with everything you’ve observed. The way Emily was when I left, all of that. But you’re wrong.”

几秒钟的沉默后，查理说道：“你可能在想，雷。你可能在想有第三者。想说我现在是要飞去见她。我猜你是这样想的。跟你看到的一切对得上。刚刚我出门的时候埃米莉的样子，等等。可是你错了。”

He began to issue instructions about where I’d find the phone book, but I interrupted him, saying:

接着他开始指示我到哪里去找电话本，但是我打断他的话，说道：

“Yes, I take your point. But look, there’s something I have to talk to you about…”

“是，我知道你的意思。可是你听着，我有事要跟你说……”

He’d started to shout, though possibly this was because of all the noise around him in the departure lounge. Now he went quiet, and I listened hard to work out if he was crying again, but all I heard were airport noises. Suddenly he said:

他说着说着就嚷了起来，可能是因为出发大厅里太吵了。现在他不说话了，我仔细听他是不是又哭了，但是只能听见机场里的嘈杂声。突然，他说道：

“There’s never been another woman in any of this. I wouldn’t look at anyone else, at least not in any serious way. That’s the truth. It’s the bloody truth and there’s nothing else to it!”

“从来就没有什么第三者。我是不会看其他女人的，起码不会正经地看。是真的。是他妈的真的，没有第三者！”

“Right, I’ve got you.”

“是，我知道。”

“Who’s that?”

“大卫·科里是谁？”

“Actually, no. It’s never occurred to me you might be gay. Even that time after finals when you got really drunk and pretended to…”

“没有。我从没想过你会是同性恋。即便是那次期末考以后，你喝得酩酊大醉，假装……”

“I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, all right, there’s no other woman. But is there another man? Go on, admit it, that’s what you’re thinking, isn’t it? Go on, say it!”

“我知道你在想什么。你在想，好吧，没有其他女人。但会不会是其他男人呢？你就认了吧，你是这么想的，对吧？快说！”

“Shut up, you fool! I meant another man, as in Lover of Emily! Lover of Emily, does this figure bloody exist? That’s what I’m getting at. And the answer, in my judgement, is no, no, no. After all these years, I can read her pretty well. But the trouble is, precisely because I know her so well, I can tell something else too. I can tell she’s started to think about it. That’s right, Ray, she’s looking at other guys. Guys like David bloody Corey!”

“闭嘴，你这个白痴！我是说其他男人，埃米莉的情人！会不会有一个他妈的埃米莉的情人？我是这个意思。而我的回答是，根据我的判断，没有，没有，没有。在一起这么多年，我很了解她。可问题就在于，就因为我太了解她了，我还能看见些别的。我能看出她开始想找个情人了。没错，雷，她在物色男人。比如说大卫·科里！”

“No, I just told you! There’s nothing, not yet! Anyway, David bloody Corey wouldn’t give her the time of day. He’s married to a glamourpuss who works for Condé Nast.”

“没有，我说了！还没有，什么都没有！大卫·科里根本不会理她。他娶了一个在康泰纳仕出版集团工作的漂亮妞儿。”

“David bloody Corey is a smarmy git of a barrister who’s doing well for himself. I know exactly how well, because she tells me how well, in excruciating detail.”

“大卫·科里是一个虚情假意的饭桶，一个混得不错的律师。我知道怎么不错，因为她告诉我怎么不错，很他妈的详细。”

“You think… they’re seeing each other?”

“你觉得……他们看上了？”

“Look, Charlie, please listen. I’ve got this problem here. Small by most standards, I admit. But a problem all the same. Please just listen.”

“听着，查理，听我说。我有麻烦了。不是大麻烦，可总归是个麻烦。你听我说。”

“Then you’re okay…”

“那你不用担心……”

At last I got to tell him what had happened. I recounted everything as honestly as I could, though maybe I went easy on the bit about my thinking Emily had left a confidential message for me.

我终于把刚才的事情讲给他听，尽量忠实地叙述一切，虽说我把我觉得埃米莉给我留了秘密信息的想法轻轻带过。

Then he laughed. Encouraged by this, I laughed too.

突然他笑了。我受到鼓舞，也跟着笑了。

“I’m not okay, because there’s also Michael Addison. And Roger Van Den Berg who’s a rising star at Merrill Lynch who gets to go to the World Economic Forum every year…”

“我要担心，还有个迈克尔·艾迪生。还有美林银行的新星罗杰·范德伯格，年年都参加世界经济论坛……”

“I know it was really stupid,” I said, as I came to the end. “But she’d left it sitting there, right there on the kitchen table.”

“我知道我很蠢，”末了，我说道。“可本子就放在那里，在厨房的桌子上。”

“Yes.” Charlie was now sounding much calmer. “Yes. You’ve rather let yourself in for it there.”

“是。”查理现在听上去冷静了许多。“是。你有麻烦了。”

“I suppose I’m over-reacting,” I said. “After all, it’s not like her personal diary or anything. It’s just a memo book…” I trailed off because Charlie had continued to laugh, and there was something a touch hysterical in his laughter. Then he stopped and said flatly:

“我想我反应过度了。”我说。“毕竟那不像是她的私人日记什么的。只是个记事本……”我说不下去了，因为查理还在笑，笑声有点歇斯底里。他不笑了，冷冷地说：

A flight announcement went off in the background.

电话那头通报了一则航班信息。

“If she finds out, she’ll want to saw your balls off.”

“她要是知道了，会把你的眼珠子挖出来的。”

“So what do you suggest I do?” I asked.

“那我该怎么办？”我问。

There was a short pause while I listened to airport noises. Then he went on:

一阵短暂的沉默，我只听见机场里的嘈杂声。然后，他接着说道：

“About six years ago, I opened that book myself, or that year’s equivalent. Just casually, when I was sitting in the kitchen, and she was doing some cooking. You know, just flicked it open absent-mindedly while I was saying something. She noticed immediately and told me she wasn’t happy about it. In fact, that’s when she told me she would saw my balls off. She was wielding this rolling pin at the time, so I pointed out she couldn’t very well do what she was threatening with a rolling pin. That’s when she said the rolling pin was for afterwards. For what she’d do to them once she’d cut them off.”

“大概六年前，我自己翻过那本子，应该说是当年的那本日记本。很偶然，我坐在厨房里，她在做饭。你瞧，就是边说话边无意间随手翻开。她马上就发现了，说她不喜欢人家看她的东西。就是那次她说她要把我的眼珠子挖出来。那时她挥着根擀面杖，我说用擀面杖可不好挖眼珠。她就说擀面杖是眼珠子挖出来以后用的。眼珠子挖出来以后她要用擀面杖碾碎。”

“What can you do? Just keep smoothing the pages down. Maybe she won’t notice.”

“你能怎么办？把纸弄平呗。她可能不会注意到。”

“I’ve been trying that and it just doesn’t work. There’s no way she won’t notice…”

“我试了，就是不行。她不可能不会注意到……”

“Look, Ray, I’ve got a lot on my mind. What I’m trying to tell you is that all these men Emily dreams about, they’re not really potential lovers. They’re just figures she thinks are wonderful because she believes they’ve accomplished so much. She doesn’t see their warts. Their sheer… brutality. They’re all out of her league anyway. The point is, and this is what’s so pathetically sad and ironic about all this, the point is, at the bottom of it all, she loves me. She still loves me. I can tell, I can tell.”

“听着，雷，我要操心的事多着呢。我要告诉你的是埃米莉梦想的这些男人不是真的可能的情人。她只是觉得这些人很不错，那么有成就。她没有看见他们的缺点。他们根本就是……畜牲。总之这些人跟她不是一路的。关键是，这个关键既让人痛心又讽刺，关键是，归根结底，她爱我。她还爱我。我知道的，我知道。”

With that, Charlie was gone. I slumped down into the sofa and took a deep breath. I told myself I had to keep things in proportion, but all the while I could feel in my stomach a vaguely nauseous sensation of panic. Various ideas ran through my mind. One solution was simply to flee the apartment, and have no contact with Charlie and Emily for several years, after which I’d send them a cautious, carefully worded letter. Even in my current state, I dismissed this plan as being a touch too desperate. A better plan was that I steadily work through the bottles in their drinks cabinet, so that when Emily arrived home, she’d find me pathetically drunk. Then I could claim to have looked through her diary and attacked the pages in an alcoholic delirium. In fact, in my drunken unreasonableness, I could even adopt the role of the injured party, shouting and pointing, telling her how bitterly hurt I’d been to read those words about me, written by someone whose love and friendship I’d always counted on, the thought of which had helped sustain me through my lousiest moments in strange and lonely countries. But while this plan had points to recommend it from a practical aspect, I could sense something there — something near the bottom of it, something I didn’t care to examine too closely — that I knew would make it an impossibility for me.

说完，查理把电话挂了。我倒进沙发里，深深地吸了一口气。我告诉自己要理智，可是我心里一直感到隐隐的害怕。我想了各种各样的办法。一种办法是就这么溜之大吉，几年都不再跟查理和埃米莉联系，几年以后我会写一封措词谨慎的信来。即便事已至此，我也觉得这么做太绝望了。好一点的办法是我把他们柜子里的酒一瓶瓶喝掉，等埃米莉回来的时候就会发现我烂醉如泥了。那时我就告诉她我看了她的日记，在酒精的作用下把纸张给捏了。而且，我还可以借着酒疯扮演受害者的角色。我可以冲她嚷嚷，指指点点，告诉她看了她写的话我受了多么深的伤害。我是多么珍视她的爱意和友谊，是她支撑我在孤独的异乡度过那些最难过的日子。可她却那样子说我。虽然这个计划挺可行的，但我隐隐觉得这里头——在这个计划的底下，有什么东西是我不敢去碰的——所以这个计划对我来说也行不通。

“No! I don’t have any fucking advice!” He was shouting full blast again. “You figure it out! You get on your plane and I’ll get on mine. And we’ll see which one crashes!”

“没有！我没有什么他妈的办法！”他又开始大嚷起来。“你自己想办法！你坐你的飞机，我坐我的。我们看看哪架会掉下来！”

“So, Charlie, you don’t have any advice.”

“查理，这么说你没有什么办法咯。”

“I’m at the gate now,” he said. “I’m sorry if I was a little flustered earlier on. Airports always make me that way. Can’t ever settle until I’m sitting right by the gate. Ray, listen, there’s just one thing that occurred to me. Concerning our strategy.”

“我到登机口了，”他说。“很抱歉我刚刚的胡言乱语。我到了机场就这样。要在登机口坐下来才能觉得安稳。听着，雷，我突然想到一件事情。关系到我们的计划。”

After a time, the phone began to ring and Charlie’s voice came onto the machine again. When I picked it up he sounded considerably calmer than before.

过了一会儿，电话响了，答录机里又传来查理的声音。我拿起电话，查理的声音显然比刚才平静了许多。

“Our strategy?”

“我们的计划？”

“Yes, our overall strategy. Of course, you’ve realised, this isn’t the time for little tweakings of the truth to show yourself in a better light. Absolutely not the time for the small self-aggrandising white lie. No, no. You’re remembering, aren’t you, why you were given this job in the first place. Ray, I’m depending on you to present yourself to Emily just as you are. So long as you do that, our strategy stays on course.”

“对，我们的全盘计划。当然了，你也已经发现现在不是粉饰形象、让埃米莉对你改观的时候。绝不是掩盖缺点、炫耀你自己的时候。不是，不是。你还记得我当初为什么会选你吧。雷，我全靠你在埃米莉面前做真实的你。只要你做到这点，我们的计划就没有问题。”

“Well, look, I’m hardly on course here to come over like Emily’s greatest hero…”

“咳，听着，我现在很难成为埃米莉的大英雄了……”

“Yes, you appreciate the situation and I’m grateful. But something’s just occurred to me. There’s just one thing, one little thing in your repertoire that won’t quite do here. You see, Ray, she’s got this idea that you have good musical taste.”

“是，你明白目前的情况，我很感激。可我刚刚想到一件事情。就一件事情，你的条件里有一件小事，跟目前的计划有出入。是这样，雷，埃米莉觉得你很有音乐品位。”

“Just about the only time she ever uses you to belittle me is in this area of musical taste. It’s the one respect in which you aren’t absolutely perfect for your current assignment. So Ray, you’ve got to promise not to talk about this topic.”

“只有一次，只有一次她说我不如你，就是音乐品位。除了这一条，你就是这个任务十全十美的人选了。所以，雷，你得答应不提音乐。”

“Just do it for me, Ray. It’s not much to ask. Just don’t start going on about that… that croony nostalgia music she likes. And if she brings it up, then you just play it dumb. That’s all I’m asking. Otherwise, you just be your natural self. Ray, I can count on you about this, can’t I?”

“答应我吧，雷。这个要求不过分。不要提起那些……那些她喜欢的抒情老歌。要是她提起了，你别搭腔。我就要求这一点。剩下的你只要跟平时一样就可以了。雷，你能做到这点，对不对？”

“Ah…”

“啊……”

“Oh, for God’s sake…”

“哦，天啊……”

“Good! So that’s settled. Now, let’s move to your little problem. You’ll be glad to hear I’ve been giving it some thought. And I’ve come up with a solution. Are you listening?”

“很好！那就没事了。现在来说说你那个小问题。我想了一下你那事儿，你高兴吧。而且我想出了一个办法。你在听吗？”

“Well, I suppose so. This is all pretty theoretical anyway. I don’t see us chatting about anything this evening.”

“这个，我想可以。反正这些都只是理论上说说而已。我想我们今天晚上不会聊什么天。”

“Yes, I’m listening.”

“在，我在听。”

“There’s this couple who keep coming round. Angela and Solly. They’re okay, but if they weren’t neighbours we wouldn’t have much to do with them. Anyway they often come round. You know, dropping in without warning, expecting a cup of tea. Now here’s the point. They turn up at various times in the day when they’ve been taking Hendrix out.”

“有一对夫妇经常到我们家来。安杰拉和索利。他们人还行，可要不是因为是邻居我们不会跟他们打交道的。反正就是他们经常到我们家来。不事先打招呼就过来喝杯茶。然后关键一点是，他们经常是白天什么时候带亨德里克斯出来时，顺便过来。”

“Hendrix?”

“亨德里克斯？”

“Hendrix is a smelly, uncontrollable, possibly homicidal Labrador. For Angela and Solly, of course, the foul creature’s the child they never had. Or the one they haven’t had yet, they’re probably still young enough for real children. But no, they prefer darling, darling Hendrix. And when they call round, darling Hendrix routinely goes about demolishing the place as determinedly as any disaffected burglar. Down goes the standard lamp. Oh dear, never mind, darling, did you have a fright? You get the picture. Now listen. About a year ago, we had this coffee-table book, cost a fortune, full of arty pictures of young gay men posing in North African casbahs. Emily liked to keep it open at this particular page, she thought it went with the sofa. She’d go mad if you turned over the page. Anyway, about a year ago, Hendrix came in and chewed it all up. That’s right, sank his teeth into all that glossy photography, went on to chew up about twenty pages in all before Mummy could persuade him to desist. You see why I’m telling you this, don’t you?”

“亨德里克斯是一只臭烘烘、脾气暴躁，甚至可能杀人的拉布拉多猎狗。当然了，对安杰拉和索利来说，那畜牲就像他们的孩子。他们没有孩子，可能他们还不算太老，还能生孩子。可他们更喜欢亲爱、亲爱的亨德里克斯。每次过来，亲爱的亨德里克斯都会像个很不爽的小偷一样尽力搞破坏。砰，落地灯倒了。哦天啊，没关系，亲爱的，你吓到了吗？你明白吧。听好了。大约一年以前，我们买了一本放在咖啡几上摆设的大画册，花了不少钱，是一帮年轻的男同性恋在北非城堡拍的艺术照片。埃米莉就喜欢翻开那页，觉得跟沙发很配。你要是翻到别页去她会很生气。反正就是大约一年以前，亨德里克斯过来的时候把那照片啃了个精光。没错，就这么把它的牙齿伸到蜡光纸里去，啃啊啃，总共啃了二十来页它妈咪才让它停下来。知道我为什么跟你说这些吧？”

“I’m very grateful, Charlie. I’m just thinking it through, that’s all. Look, for one thing, what if these people really turn up? After Emily’s home, I mean.”

“我很感激，查理。我只是在考虑。你瞧，比如说，要是他们真的出现怎么办？我是说在埃米莉回来以后？”

I heard him sigh. “I assumed you didn’t need the rest of it spelt out. Naturally, you have to do the place over a bit. Knock over the standard lamp, spill sugar over the kitchen floor. You have to make it like Hendrix did this whirlwind job on the place. Look, they’re calling the flight. I’ve got to go. I’ll check in with you once I’m in Germany.”

我听见他叹了一口气。“我以为不用说得这么详细的。你当然要把整个地方都弄一弄啦。把落地灯弄倒，洒点糖到厨房的地板上。你要弄得好像亨德里克斯把那里弄得乱七八糟的。听着，在叫登机了。我得走了。我到了德国再跟你联系。”

“But Charlie, isn’t it a little far-fetched that this dog would chew just the diary, and exactly those pages?”

“可是查理，那狗只咬那本日记本，还刚好咬到了那几页，是不是太牵强了？”

“All right, I’ll spell it out. This is what you tell Emily. The door went, you answered it, this couple are there with Hendrix tugging at the leash. They tell you they’re Angela and Solly, good friends needing their cup of tea. You let them in, Hendrix runs wild, chews up the diary. It’s utterly plausible. What’s the matter? Why aren’t you thanking me? Won’t quite do for you, sir?”

“很好，我来给你解释清楚。你这样跟埃米莉说。有人敲门，你开了门，那对夫妇牵着亨德里克斯站在门口。他们跟你说他们是安杰拉和索利，是我们的好朋友，来喝杯茶。你让他们进来了，亨德里克斯胡闹起来，咬了日记本。能混过去的。怎么了？你怎么不谢我？你不满意？”

“Yes. That is, I see a hint of an escape route, but…”

“是。我知道你说的办法了，可……”

“That’s possible, I suppose. All I can say is you’d be very, very unlucky if such a thing happened. When I said they came round a lot, I meant maybe once a month at most. So stop picking holes and be grateful.”

“我想有这个可能。我只能说若真的是这样，你真的是太背、太背了。我说他们经常过来，意思是顶多一个月一次。所以别挑刺了，快谢我。”

While listening to Charlie, I’d had a feeling come over me similar to the one I get when someone starts on about a dream they had, or the circumstances that led to the little bump on their car door. His plan was all very well — ingenious, even — but I couldn’t see how it had to do with anything I was really likely to say or do when Emily got home, and I’d found myself getting more and more impatient. But once Charlie had gone, I found his call had had a kind of hypnotic effect on me. Even as my head was dismissing his idea as idiotic, my arms and legs were setting out to put his “solution” into action.

听查理说话让我感觉像在听一个人絮絮叨叨地讲他做过的梦，或者讲他的车门是怎么被撞到的。他的办法很好——甚至可以说是天才——可是我看不出这跟埃米莉回来以后我想说的或做的有什么关系，我越听越不耐烦。但是挂了电话以后，我发现查理的话对我有一种催眠的作用。尽管我脑子里觉得他的办法很白痴，但我的手脚却开始把他的“办法”付诸实践。

I began by putting the standard lamp down on its side. I was careful not to bump anything with it, and I removed the shade first, putting it back on at a cocked angle only once the whole thing was arranged on the floor. Then I took down a vase from a bookshelf and laid it down on the rug, spreading around it the dried grasses that had been inside. Next I selected a good spot near the coffee table to “knock over” the wastepaper basket. I went about my work in a strange, disembodied mode. I didn’t believe any of it would achieve anything, but I was finding the whole procedure rather soothing. Then I remembered all this vandalism was supposed to relate to the diary, and went through into the kitchen.

我把落地灯放倒，小心不撞到其他的东西。我先把灯罩拿掉，把灯放倒，再把灯罩歪歪斜斜地放回去。然后我从书架上拿下一个花瓶，把它放到地毯上，把里面的干草洒在旁边。接着我选了咖啡几旁的一个好地方把垃圾桶“撞倒”。我做这些的时候感觉很奇怪，很不真实。我不相信这样做能有什么用，可我发现做这些事让我觉得心里好过一些。突然我想到我搞这些破坏都是为了那本日记。于是我走进厨房。

After a little think, I took a bowl of sugar from a cupboard, placed it on the table not far from the purple notebook, and slowly tilted it until the sugar slid out. I had a bit of a job preventing the bowl rolling off the edge of the table, but in the end got it to stay put. By this time, the gnawing panic I’d been feeling had evaporated. I wasn’t tranquil, exactly, but it now seemed silly to have got myself in the state I had.

我想了想，从碗柜里拿出一罐糖，放在桌子上日记本旁边，慢慢倾斜，让糖倒出来。我本来还想让罐子从桌子边掉下去，但最后没有这么做。因为这个时候，一直折磨着我的害怕的感觉挥发殆尽了。我并不是恢复了平静，而是觉得这样做实在是太傻了。

I was woken up by the phone. When Emily’s voice came on the machine, I sat up and answered it.

我被电话吵醒。听见埃米莉的声音出现在答录机里，我坐起来接电话。

I assured her I had, that in fact I’d been sleeping.

我告诉她别担心，我很好，刚刚正在睡觉。

“Oh goody, Raymond, you are there. How are you, darling? How are you feeling now? Have you managed to relax?”

“哦天啊，雷蒙德，你在啊。你还好吗，亲爱的？现在感觉怎么样？有好好休息吗？”

“Oh what a pity! You probably haven’t been sleeping properly for weeks, and now just when you finally get a moment’s escape, I go and disturb you! I’m so sorry! And I’m sorry too, Ray, I’m going to have to disappoint you. There’s an absolute crisis on here and I won’t be able to get home quite as quickly as I’d hoped. In fact, I’m going to be another hour at least. You’ll be able to hold out, won’t you?”

“哦对不起！你可能已经几星期没好好睡觉了，可是你好不容易睡着了，我又把你吵醒！太对不起了！还有一件事我也很抱歉，雷，我要让你失望了。公司里出了要紧的事情，我没办法早回去。我至少还得再过一个钟头。你能坚持一下吧。”

I went back to the living room, lay down on the sofa and picked up the Jane Austen book. After a few lines, I felt a huge tiredness coming over me and before I knew it, I was slipping into sleep once more.

我回到客厅，在沙发上躺下，拿起简·奥斯丁的书，读了几行，感觉累得不行，不知不觉又睡着了。

The phone went again, and this time it was Charlie. He was, he told me, beside the luggage carousel at Frankfurt airport.

电话又响了，这次是查理。他说他现在在法兰克福机场的行李传送带旁。

I reiterated how relaxed and happy I was feeling.

我重申我现在很好，很舒服。

“Yes, you do sound really stable now. I’m so sorry, Raymond, but I’ve got to go and sort this out. Help yourself to anything and everything. Goodbye, darling.”

“是啊，听你的声音确实挺好。太对不起了，雷，我得挂电话去做事情了。你想要什么就拿什么吧。再见，亲爱的。”

I put down the phone and stretched my arms. The light was starting to fade now, so I went about the apartment switching on lights. Then I contemplated my “wrecked” living room, and the more I looked at it, the more it seemed overwhelmingly contrived. The sense of panic began to grow once more in my stomach.

我放下电话，伸了伸胳膊。天色渐暗，我起来打开公寓里的灯。我看着被我“破坏”了的客厅，越看越觉得不自然。害怕的感觉再次涌上心头。

“They’re taking bloody ages. We haven’t had a single bag come down yet. How are you making out over there? Madam not home yet?”

“真他妈的慢。到现在一件行李都没有。你那里怎么样了？女主人还没回来吗？”

“No, not yet. Look, Charlie, that plan of yours. It’s not going to work.”

“还没。听着，查理，你的办法行不通。”

“What do you mean, it’s not going to work? Don’t tell me you’ve been twiddling your thumbs all this time mulling it over.”

“你说行不通是什么意思？不要告诉我你到现在还没动手，还在犹豫。”

“I’ve done as you suggested. I’ve messed the place up, but it doesn’t look convincing. It just doesn’t look like a dog’s been here. It just looks like an art exhibition.”

“我照你说的做了。我把房间弄乱了，可是看着不像那么回事。不像有狗来过，倒像个艺术展。”

He was silent for a moment, perhaps concentrating on the carousel. Then he said: “I can understand your problem. It’s someone else’s property. You’re bound to be inhibited. So listen, I’m going to name a few items I’d dearly love to see damaged. Are you listening, Ray? I want the following things ruined. That stupid china ox thing. It’s by the CD player. That’s a present from David bloody Corey after his trip to Lagos. You can smash that up for a start. In fact, I don’t care what you destroy. Destroy everything!”

他没有说话，可能是在注意看行李来了没有。过了一会儿，他说道：“我理解你的顾虑。因为是别人的东西，你一定会缩手缩脚。听好了，我点名几样东西我衷心希望你把它们砸个稀巴烂。你在听吗，雷？我要你把这些东西砸烂。那个垃圾瓷牛。在CD机旁边。那是王八蛋大卫·科里从拉各斯回来的时候送的。你就从那个开始。事实上，我不在乎你砸什么东西。统统都砸了吧！”

“Charlie, I think you need to calm down.”

“查理，你要冷静。”

“Yes. Actually I fell asleep on it just now.”

“是。我刚刚还在上面睡觉来着。”

“Okay, okay. But that apartment’s full of junk. Just like our marriage right now. Full of tired junk. That spongy red sofa, you know the one I mean, Ray?”

“好，好。但那个房子里的东西全是破烂。就像我们现在的婚姻。全是一堆破烂。那个红色海绵沙发，你知道我说哪个吧，雷？”

“That should have been in a skip ages ago. Why don’t you rip open the covering and throw the stuffing around.”

“早就该扔到垃圾桶里去了。把外面的皮撕开，把里面的海绵统统翻出来。”

“Charlie, you have to get a grip. In fact, it occurs to me you’re not trying to help me at all. You’re just using me as a tool to express your rage and frustration…”

“查理，冷静一下。你这根本不是在帮我。你只是把我当作发泄你的愤怒和沮丧的工具……”

“Another hour or so…”

“大约一个小时……”

“Oh shut up with that bollocks! Of course I’m trying to help you. And of course my plan’s a good one. I guarantee it’ll work. Emily hates that dog, she hates Angela and Solly, so she’ll seize any opportunity to hate them even more. Listen.” His voice suddenly dropped to a near-whisper. “I’ll give you the big tip. The secret ingredient that’ll ensure she’s convinced. I should have thought of this before. How much time do you have left?”

“别胡说八道了！我当然是在帮你。而且我的办法很好。我保证能行的。埃米莉恨那条狗，恨安杰拉和索利，她抓住一切机会更恨他们一点。听着。”他的声音突然变成近乎耳语。“我教你这个最大的秘诀。用这个秘密配方一定能让埃米莉相信。我早该想到了。你还有多少时间？”

“Just listen! She sees all the wreckage, and immediately, consciously or unconsciously, she’ll make the connection with the dog smell. The whole scene with Hendrix will flash vividly through her head, even before you’ve said a word to her. That’s the beauty of it!”

“别插嘴。她看见屋子里乱七八糟的，马上就会有意无意地联想到狗的气味。你什么都还没说，她就会想到是亨德里克斯干的。太漂亮了！”

“Good. Listen carefully. Smell. That’s right. You make that place smell of dog. From the moment she walks in, she’ll register it, even if it’s only subliminally. Then she steps into the room, notices darling David’s china ox smashed up on the floor, the stuffing from that foul red sofa all over…”

“很好。仔细听好了。味道。没错。在房子里弄出狗的味道。她一进门就会察觉到，即使只是下意识地。然后她走进房间，看见亲爱的大卫的瓷牛在地上摔成粉碎，看见那个破沙发里的海绵到处都是……”

“Now look, I didn’t say I’d…”

“听着，我没有说我……”

“But why?”

“为什么？”

“I know exactly how you create a dog smell.” His voice was still an excited whisper. “I know exactly how you do it, because me and Tony Barton used to do it in the Lower Sixth. He had a recipe, but I refined it.”

“我知道怎么弄。”他的声音还是低低的，但很兴奋。“我清楚得很。以前我和托尼·巴顿在中学六年级时干过。他弄了个配方，我改进了一下。”

“You’re havering, Charlie. Okay, so how do I make your home pong of dog?”

“瞎说，查理。那好，我怎么把你家弄出狗的味道来呢？”

“Why? Because it stank more like cabbage than dog, that’s why.”

“为什么？因为他的配方更像臭白菜，而不是狗，这就是为什么。”

“No, I meant why would you… Look, never mind. You might as well tell me, so long as it doesn’t involve going out and buying a chemistry set.”

“不是，我是说你们为什么……好了，算了。你告诉我吧，只要不用出去买一套化学品就行。”

“Good. You’re coming round to it. Get a pen, Ray. Write this down. Ah, here it comes at last.” He must have put the phone in his pocket, because for the next few moments I listened to womb noises. Then he came back and said:

“很好。你转过弯来了。拿支笔来，雷。记下来。啊，行李终于来了！”他一定是把手机放到口袋里了，我听见一阵窸窸窣窣的声音。然后他重新拿起电话说道：

“I have to go now. So write this down. Are you ready? The middle-sized saucepan. It’s probably on the stove already. Put about a pint of water in it. Add two beef stock cubes, one dessertspoon of cumin, one tablespoon of paprika, two tablespoons of vinegar, a generous lot of bay leaves. Got that? Now you put in there a leather shoe or boot, upside down, so the sole’s not actually immersed in the liquid. That’s so you don’t get any hint of burning rubber. Then you turn on the gas, bring the concoction to the boil, let it sit there simmering. Pretty soon, you’ll notice the smell. It’s not an awful smell. Tony Barton’s original recipe involved garden slugs, but this one’s much more subtle. Just like a smelly dog. I know, you’re going to ask me where to find the ingredients. All the herbs and stuff are in the kitchen cupboards. If you go to the under-stairs cupboard, you’ll find a discarded pair of boots in there. Not the wellingtons. I mean the battered-up pair, they’re more like built-up shoes. I used to wear them all the time on the common. They’ve had it and they’re waiting for the heave. Take one of those. What’s the matter? Look, Ray, you just do this, okay? Save yourself. Because I’m telling you, an angry Emily is no joke. I’ve got to go now. Oh, and remember. No showing off your wonderful musical knowledge.”

“我没时间多说了。记下来。准备好了吗？中等大小的长柄锅一只。可能灶子上已经有了。放入一品脱左右的水和两块牛肉浓缩汤块、一小勺孜然、一大勺辣椒粉、两大勺醋、一大把月桂叶。记下来了吗？然后放进一只皮鞋或皮靴，底朝上，别让鞋底完全浸在水里，这样就不会有烧焦橡胶的味道。接着就可以打开煤气，把这堆东西放上去煮了，让它慢慢炖。很快就会有味道出来了。不是很难闻。托尼·巴顿原来的配方里还加了鼻涕虫，可我这个更像狗的臭味。我知道你要问我去哪里找这些材料。所有的香料什么的都在厨房的柜子里。楼梯底下的储物柜里有一双旧靴子。不是那双高筒靴，拿破破烂烂的那双，有点像加长的鞋子。我以前常穿去散步。已经不能穿了，该扔掉了。拿一只。怎么了？听着，雷，就这么做，好吗？救救你自己。因为我告诉你，发标的埃米莉可不是闹着玩的。我得挂电话了。哦，对了，记住不要卖弄你的音乐学问。”

I got her assistant, who told me Emily was in a meeting. I insisted, in a tone that balanced geniality with resolution, that she bring Emily out of her meeting, “if indeed she is in one at all.” The next moment, Emily was on the line.

助理接的电话，告诉我埃米莉在开会。我半是亲切半是坚决地要她把埃米莉从会场叫出来，“看看她是否真的在开会”。不一会儿，埃米莉来了。

“What is it, Raymond? What’s happened?”

“怎么了，雷蒙德？什么事？”

Perhaps it was simply the effect of receiving a clear set of instructions, however dubious: when I put the phone down, a detached, business-like mood had come over me. I could see clearly just what I needed to do. I went into the kitchen and switched on the lights. Sure enough, the “middle-sized” saucepan was sitting on the cooker, awaiting its next task. I filled it to halfway with water, and put it back on the hob. Even as I was doing this, I realised there was something else I had to establish before proceeding any further: namely, the precise amount of time I had to complete my work. I went into the living room, picked up the phone, and called Emily’s work number.

也许是因为得到了一系列清楚的指示，不管这些指示多么荒唐，我放下电话时，刚才害怕的感觉没有了，变得干劲十足。我很清楚自己该做什么。我走进厨房，打开电灯。炉子上确实有一只“中等大小的”长柄锅等着执行任务。我装了半锅水，然后放回炉子上。我虽忙活着，但心里清楚，在我往下做之前得先确认一件事：即我到底有多少时间来完成这些事情。我走回客厅，拿起电话，拨通埃米莉办公室的号码。

“Nothing’s happened. I’m just calling to find out how you are.”

“没事。我只是想看看你怎么样了。”

“Ray, you sound odd. What is it?”

“雷，你怪怪的。怎么了？”

“What do you mean, I sound odd? I just called to establish when to expect you back. I know you regard me as a layabout, but I still appreciate a timetable of sorts.”

“什么叫我怪怪的？我只是想确认你什么时候会回来。我知道你觉得我是个懒人，但我还是想要个时间表什么的。”

She might have been about to say something else, but I hung up and strode back into the kitchen, determined not to let my decisive mood evaporate. In fact, I was beginning to feel distinctly exhilarated, and I couldn’t understand at all how I’d allowed myself to get into such a state of despondency earlier on. I went through the cupboards and lined up, in a neat row beside the hob, all the herbs and spices I needed. Then I measured them out into the water, gave a quick stir, and went off to find the boot.

埃米莉可能还想说些什么，但我已经把电话挂了，大步走进厨房，决心不让我现在坚定的心情很快消失。事实上，我现在慢慢地越来越兴奋，想不通之前怎么会让自己那么绝望。我搜遍厨房的柜子，把我需要的香料和调味品在炉子旁整整齐齐地摆成一排。然后我各取适量倒进水里，很快地搅拌一下，开始找靴子。

“Raymond, there’s no need to get cross like that. Now let me see. It’s going to be another hour… Maybe an hour and a half. I’m awfully sorry, but there’s a real crisis on here…”

“雷蒙德，没必要生气嘛。我想想。还要一个小时……也可能是一个半小时。我真的很抱歉，公司里出了非常要紧的事情……”

“One hour to ninety minutes. That’s fine. That’s all I need to know. Okay, I’ll see you soon. You can get back to your business now.”

“一个到一个半小时。好的。我就想知道这个。那我们一会儿见。你回去工作吧。”

The understairs cupboard was hiding a whole heap of sorry-looking footwear. After a few moments of rummaging, I discovered what was certainly one of the boots Charlie had prescribed — a particularly exhausted specimen with ancient mud encrusted along the rim of its heel. Holding it with fingertips, I took it back to the kitchen and placed it carefully in the water with the sole facing up to the ceiling. Then I lit a medium flame under the pan, sat down at the table and waited for the water to heat. When the phone rang again, I felt reluctant to abandon the saucepan, but then I heard Charlie on the machine going on and on. So I eventually turned the flame down low and went to answer him.

楼梯底下的储物柜里藏着一大堆破破烂烂的鞋子。我搜寻了一番，发现确实有一只查理方子里的靴子——有一只特别破烂的靴子，脚后跟的边上结着陈年泥土块。我用指尖捏住鞋，拿到厨房里，小心翼翼地底朝上放进锅里。接着我打开炉子，开到中火，然后就坐下来，等水开。当电话再次响起时，我真不愿意离开我的锅，但我听见查理在答录机里说啊说，最后我还是把火关小，去接电话。

“If you’re talking about the recipe for the dog smell, it’s too late. I’ve got it all going. I suppose I might be able to add an extra herb or something…”

“你要是想说狗气味的配方，已经太迟了。我已经全都弄下去了。我想也许还可以再加一种香料什么的……”

“What were you saying?” I asked. “It sounded particularly self-pitying, but I was busy so I missed it.”

“你刚刚说什么呢？”我问。“听起来一副可怜样。我很忙，没听清。”

“But you’re only there for a couple of nights…”

“可你就住两三个晚上……”

“I’m at the hotel. It’s only a three-star. Can you believe the cheek! A big company like them! And it’s a poxy little room too!”

“我到旅馆了。只有三星级。你能相信这种厚颜无耻的事吗！那么大一家公司！房间也小得要命！”

“If I wasn’t straight with you before, that’s because I wasn’t being straight with myself. But now I’ve come away, I’ve been able to think more clearly. Ray, I told you there wasn’t anyone else, but that’s not strictly true. There’s this girl. Yes, she is a girl, early thirties at most. She’s very concerned about education in the developing world, and fairer global trade. It wasn’t really a sexual attraction thing, that was just a kind of byproduct. It was her untarnished idealism. It reminded me of how we all were once. You remember that, Ray?”

“我之前没有对你诚实是因为我没有对自己诚实。可现在离开了家，我的脑子清楚多了。雷，之前我跟你说没有第三者不完全正确。有这么个女生。没错，年轻女生，顶多三十出头。她很关心发展中国家的教育，关心更加公平的全球贸易。她吸引我的不是性，那只能说是副产品。是她还未失去光泽的理想主义，让我想起以前的我们。记得吗，雷？”

“Listen, Ray, there’s something I wasn’t entirely honest about earlier. It’s not fair on you. After all, you’re doing me a favour, you’re doing your best for me, trying to heal things with Emily, and here I am, being less than frank with you.”

“听着，雷，之前我没有完全说实话。我觉得对你不公平。毕竟你是在帮我，在尽全力帮我，帮我弥补和埃米莉的关系。而我却没有对你诚实。”

“I’m sorry, Charlie, but I don’t remember you ever being especially idealistic. In fact, you were always utterly selfish and hedonistic…”

“对不起，查理，我不记得你以前特别理想主义。说实话，你一直很自私，喜欢享乐……”

“Charlie, when was this? When did this happen?”

“查理，这是什么时候的事？什么时候开始的？”

“When did what happen?”

“什么什么时候开始的？”

“This affair.”

“婚外情。”

“Okay, maybe we were all decadent slobs back then, the lot of us. But there’s always been this other person, somewhere inside of me, wanting to come out. That’s what drew me to her…”

“好吧，也许以前我们都是一群没用的笨蛋，我们这些人。可是在我心里一直有另一个我想要跳出来。这就是她吸引我的地方……”

“Well, I kept seeing her,” he said. “I kept making appointments to see her.”

“啊，我喜欢看见她，”他说。“我总是找机会见她。”

“There was no affair! I didn’t have sex with her, nothing. I didn’t even have lunch with her. I just… I just made sure I kept seeing her.”

“没有什么婚外情！我没有和她性交，没有。连一起吃饭都没有。我只是……我只是喜欢看见她。”

“You mean, she’s a call girl.”

“你是说她是应召女郎。”

“What do you mean, kept seeing her?” I’d drifted back into the kitchen by this time and was gazing at my concoction.

“什么意思，喜欢看见她？”我边说边踱进厨房，盯着那锅东西。

“No, no, I told you, we’ve never had sex. No, she’s a dentist. I kept going back, kept making things up about a pain here, discomfort of the gums there. You know, I spun it out. And of course, in the end, Emily guessed.” For a second, Charlie seemed to be choking back a sob. Then the dam burst. “She found out… she found out… because I was flossing so much!” He was now half-shrieking. “She said, you never, ever floss your teeth that much!”

“不是，不是，我说了，我们没有性交。不是，她是个牙医。我老去找她，说这里痛，那里不舒服，能多去几次就多去几次。当然，最后埃米莉怀疑了。”说到这里，查理好像在强忍着不哭出来。但大坝还是决堤了。“她发现了……她发现了……因为我老用牙线清洁牙齿！”他现在几乎是在叫嚷。“她说，你从来没有这么勤快地清洁牙齿……”

“But that doesn’t make sense. If you look after your teeth more, you’ve less reason to go back to her…”

“可这说不通啊。你越保护你的牙，就越没有理由去找她了……”

“Charlie, listen to me. Since the last time you called, I’ve pulled myself together considerably. And quite frankly, I think you should pull yourself together too. We can discuss all of this when you get back. But Emily will be here in an hour or so, and I’ve got to have everything ready. I’m on top of things here now, Charlie. I suppose you can tell that from my voice.”

“查理，听我说。接了你上一次的电话以后，我就大大地振作了。老实说，我觉得你也应该振作起来。你回来以后我们可以把这整件事好好地谈一谈。可埃米莉再过大概一个小时就回来了，我得把一切都布置好。我这儿正忙着呢，查理。我想你可以从我的声音里听出来。”

“Who cares if it makes sense? I just wanted to please her!”

“谁管它说得通说不通？我只想取悦她！”

“Look, Charlie, you didn’t go out with her, you didn’t have sex with her, what’s the issue?”

“听着，查理，你没有跟她约会，没有跟她性交，那有什么问题？”

“The issue is, I so wanted someone like that, someone who’d bring out this other me, the one that’s been trapped inside…”

“问题就在于，我太想要这么一个人，一个能把关在我心里的那个自我放出来的人……”

“Charlie, I think you’re upset because you don’t like your hotel. But you should pull yourself together. Get things in perspective. And take heart. I’m on top of things here. I’ll sort out the dog business, then I’ll play my part up to the hilt for you. Emily, I’ll say. Emily, just look at me, just look how pathetic I am. The truth is, most people are just as pathetic. But Charlie, he’s different. Charlie is in a different league.”

“查理，我想你是不喜欢那个旅馆才会这么心烦意乱的。但你应该振作起来。理智一些。打起精神。我这儿正忙着呢。我得先解决狗的事，然后我会尽全力帮你。我会对埃米莉说：‘埃米莉，看看我，看看我多没用。’其实，很多人都和我一样没用。可是查理他不一样。查理比我们优秀。”

“Fucking fantastic! You’re on top of things. Great! Some fucking friend…”

“笑死人了！你正忙着呢。很好！他妈的什么朋友……”

I put the phone down and examined the pot. The liquid had now come to the boil and there was a lot of steam about, but as yet no real smell of any sort. I adjusted the flame until everything was bubbling nicely. It was around this point I was overcome by a craving for some fresh air, and since I hadn’t yet investigated their roof terrace, I opened the kitchen door and stepped out.

我放下电话，查看锅里的东西。锅里的液体已经沸腾了，不断冒着蒸汽，可是还没有什么味道。我把火开得再大一点，锅里开始不停冒泡。这时，我突然很想呼吸一下新鲜空气，而我又还没去过他们的天台，于是我打开厨房门，走了出去。

“You can’t say that. That sounds completely unnatural.”

“你不能这样说。太假了。”

It was surprisingly balmy for an English evening in early June. Only a little bite in the breeze told me I wasn’t back in Spain. The sky wasn’t fully dark yet, but was already filling with stars. Beyond the wall that marked the end of the terrace, I could see for miles around the windows and back yards of the neighbouring properties. A lot of the windows were lit, and the ones in the distance, if you narrowed your eyes, looked almost like an extension of the stars. This roof terrace wasn’t large, but there was definitely something romantic about it. You could imagine a couple, in the midst of busy city lives, coming out here on a warm evening and strolling around the potted shrubs, in each other’s arms, swapping stories about their day.

对于六月初的英国，今晚特别暖和。只有微风中的少许凉意提醒我现在不是在西班牙。天还没有全黑，但已经布满了星星。越过天台尽头的那堵墙，我能望见数英里内的窗户和几码内邻居屋里的家具。很多人家的窗户都亮了；眯起眼，远处的窗户就像星星的延伸。天台不大，却很有情调。你可以想象一对夫妇在繁忙的都市生活中，在一个温和的夜晚，到天台上来，手挽着手，漫步于盆栽的小树丛里，交换彼此一天的故事。

“Of course I won’t put it literally like that, idiot. Look, just leave it to me. I’ve got the whole situation under control. So calm down. Now I’ve got to go.”

“我当然不是照这样说了，白痴。听着，交给我吧。一切都在我的掌握之中。你要冷静。好了，我得挂电话了。”

I went into the room in a crouched posture, so as to see it from something like Hendrix’s eyeline. Immediately, the glossy magazines piled up on the coffee table revealed themselves as an obvious target, and so I pushed them off the surface along a trajectory consistent with a shove from a rampant muzzle. The way the magazines landed on the floor looked satisfyingly authentic. Encouraged, I knelt down, opened one of the magazines and scrunched up a page in a manner, I hoped, would find an echo when eventually Emily came across the diary. But this time the result was disappointing: too obviously the work of a human hand rather than canine teeth. I’d fallen into my earlier error again: I’d not merged sufficiently with Hendrix.

我弯着腰走进客厅，以便更好地从亨德里克斯的视角来看东西。我一眼就看见咖啡几上的那堆杂志是最明显的目标。于是我一把把书扫了出去，就像一只畜牲用嘴甩出去的一样。书掉在地板上的样子看起来很真实。我受到了鼓舞，跪下来，翻开一本杂志，揉碎其中的一页，希望能模仿日记本的效果，但结果并不理想：一看就是人手弄的，不像狗的牙齿弄的。我又犯了之前的错误：我还没有完全把自己当作亨德里克斯。

I could have stayed out there a lot longer, but I was afraid of losing my momentum. I went back into the kitchen, and walking past the bubbling pot, paused at the threshold of the living room to survey my earlier work. The big mistake, it struck me, lay in my complete failure to consider the task from the perspective of a creature like Hendrix. The key, I now realised, was to immerse myself within Hendrix’s spirit and vision.

我本可以再多待一会儿，但我怕我的干劲消失，就回到厨房里，走过冒着泡的锅，走到客厅的入口，端详着我之前的布置。突然，我意识到我犯了一个大错，我完全没有从亨德里克斯的角度来想问题。现在我明白了事情的关键是把自己当作亨德里克斯。

Once I’d started on this tack, I saw not only the inadequacy of my previous efforts, but how hopeless most of Charlie’s suggestions had been. Why would an over-lively dog extract a little ox ornament from the midst of hi-fi equipment and smash it? And the idea of cutting open the sofa and throwing around the stuffing was idiotic. Hendrix would need razor teeth to achieve an effect like that. The capsized sugar bowl in the kitchen was fine, but the living room, I realised, would have to be re-conceptualised from scratch.

这么一来，我发现不仅我之前的努力全是白费，而且查理的建议大多都没有用。一只精力过剩的狗怎么会从音响中间把一只小瓷牛拔出来砸碎呢？割开沙发、掏出海绵这事儿也太不现实了。亨德里克斯得有剃刀般的牙齿才能做到。厨房里弄翻糖罐的主意还行，可是我发现客厅得完全重新布置。

I think it was because I’d become so absorbed in these finer points that I didn’t become aware sooner of Emily standing out in the hall, watching me from just beyond the doorway. Once I did realise she was there, my first feeling wasn’t one of panic or embarrassment, but of hurt that she should be standing there like that without having announced her arrival in some way. In fact, when I remembered how I’d gone to the trouble of calling her office only several minutes earlier precisely to pre-empt the sort of situation now engulfing me, I felt the victim of a deliberate deception. Perhaps that was why my first visible response was simply to give a weary sigh without making any attempt to abandon my all-fours posture. My sigh brought Emily into the room, and she laid a hand very gently on my back. I’m not sure if she actually knelt down, but her face seemed close to mine as she said:

我想我太在意这些细节，才没有早点发现埃米莉站在走廊里，就在门口，看着我。看见她，我的第一反应不是害怕或者尴尬，而是受伤：她居然就那么站在那里，不告诉我说她回来了。想到几分钟前我为了避免现在这种情况还特意打电话给她，我觉得自己被骗了。这大概就是为什么我的第一个动作只是疲惫地叹了口气，仍旧四脚着地跪在地上，没有起来。我看着埃米莉走进屋子，一只手很温柔地搭在我的背上。我不确定她有没有跪下来，但她说话时，脸离我很近。

So I got down on all fours, and lowering my head towards the same magazine, sank my teeth into the pages. The taste was perfumy, and not at all unpleasant. I opened a second fallen magazine near its centre and began to repeat the procedure. The ideal technique, I began to gather, was not unlike the one needed in those fairground games where you try to bite apples bobbing in water without using your hands. What worked best was a light, chewing motion, the jaws moving flexibly all the time: this would cause the pages to ruffle up and crease nicely. Too focused a bite, on the other hand, simply “stapled” pages together to no great effect.

这次我四脚着地，低下头，把牙齿伸进同一本杂志。味道香香的，不是很糟。我翻开另一本掉在地上的杂志，翻到中间，重复同样的动作。我渐渐领悟到，最理想的动作跟在露天市场里玩不用手咬起浮在水里的苹果的游戏类似。轻轻地咀嚼、下巴不停地轻盈摆动，效果最好：这样书页就会变得乱糟糟、皱巴巴的。相反，咬得太用力只会把书页都“钉”在一起，没有明显效果。

“You know, it’s odd,” I said. “No more than a few minutes ago, you were about to go into a meeting.”

“真奇怪，”我说。“几分钟前你才说要去开会。”

“I was, yes. But after your phone call, I realised the priority was to come back.”

“没错。可是接到你的电话以后，我发现有必要提早回来。”

“Your phone call. I recognised it for what it was. A cry for help.”

“你的电话。我后来明白你为什么打电话。你打电话找我求救。”

She was easing me up onto my feet, and I had to resist the urge to shake her off.

说着，她扶我起来，我强忍着不把她推开。

“What do you mean, priority? Emily, please, you don’t have to keep holding my arm like that, I’m not about to topple over. What do you mean, a priority to come back?”

“有必要？什么意思？埃米莉，你不用这样抓住我的胳膊，我不会摔倒的。你说有必要提早回来是什么意思？”

“It was nothing of the sort. I was just trying to…” I trailed off, because I noticed Emily was looking around the room with an expression of wonder.

“没有的事。我只是想……”我停住了，因为我发现埃米莉正好奇地打量着客厅。

I reached down to the fallen standard lamp, but Emily restrained me.

我弯下腰去捡倒在地上的落地灯，但是埃米莉拉住我。

“Raymond, I’m back. So let’s just sit down, shall we?”

“雷蒙德，我回来了。我们坐下来吧，好吗？”

“I suppose I was being a little clumsy earlier on. I would have tidied up, except you came back early.”

“我刚刚不小心把这里弄乱了，正在收拾，想不到你提早回来了。”

“Oh, Raymond,” she muttered, almost to herself.

“哦，雷蒙德，”她轻声说，几乎是自言自语。

“It doesn’t matter, Ray. It really doesn’t matter at all. We can sort it all out together later. You just sit down now and relax.”

“没关系，雷。真的没关系。待会儿我们可以一起收拾。你先坐下来休息。”

She was already going towards the kitchen as she said this. I was fiddling with the shade of the standard lamp and so it took me a moment to remember what was in there — by which time it was too late. I listened for her reaction, but there was only silence. Eventually I put down the lampshade and made my way to the kitchen doorway.

说着，她朝厨房走去。我正在摆弄落地灯的灯罩，过了一会儿才记起厨房里在煮什么——可为时已晚。我侧耳倾听她的反应，可是什么声音也没有。最后，我放下灯罩，朝厨房门口走去。

“Look, Emily, I realise it’s your own home and all that. But why did you creep in so quietly?”

“埃米莉，我知道这儿是你家什么的。可是刚刚你为什么不声不响偷偷地进来？”

The saucepan was still bubbling away nicely, the steam rising around the upheld sole of the boot. The smell, which I’d barely registered until this point, was much more obvious in the kitchen itself. It was pungent, sure enough, and vaguely curryish. More than anything else, it conjured up those times you yank your foot out of a boot after a long sweaty hike.

长柄锅还在均匀地冒着气泡，蒸汽从靴子周围冒出来。而且味道出来了，在外面没注意，厨房里就很明显。那味道闻起来自然很辛辣，有点像咖喱。但最主要的是像你走了很长时间的路以后，把臭汗淋淋的脚从靴子里拔出来时的味儿。

“I didn’t creep in, darling. I called when I came in, but you didn’t seem to be here. So I just popped into the loo and when I came out, well, there you were after all. But why go over it? None of it matters. I’m here now, and we can have a relaxing evening together. Please do sit down, Raymond. I’ll make some tea.”

“我没有偷偷地进来，亲爱的。我进门时叫你了，可你好像不在。我就赶紧去了下厕所，出来时，咳，发现你在。好了，别说这些了。有什么关系呢？现在我回来了，我们可以一起过个轻松愉快的夜晚。坐下来吧，雷蒙德。我去泡茶。”

“Look, Emily. Things might look a little odd here. But it was all because of this diary of yours. This one here.” I opened it to the damaged page and showed her. “It was really very wrong of me, and I’m truly sorry. But I happened to open it, and then, well, I happened to scrunch up the page. Like this…”I mimicked a less venomous version of my earlier action, then looked at her.

“是这样的，埃米莉。事情好像有点古怪，但一切都是因为你的日记本。就这本。”我翻开被我捏烂的那一页给她看。“我真的很对不起，我真不该这样做。我顺手翻开了你的本子，然后，然后不小心弄坏了这一页。像这样……”我轻轻地把先前的动作又做了一遍，然后看着她。

Then, as though against her will, her gaze was pulled back to the cooker.

说完，她的视线又不由自主地回到了炉子上。

Emily was standing a few paces back from the cooker, craning her neck to get as good a view of the pot as possible from a safe distance. She seemed absorbed by the sight of it, and when I gave a small laugh to announce my presence, she didn’t shift her gaze, let alone turn around.

埃米莉站在离炉子几步远的地方，伸长脖子，从一个安全距离看清锅里的东西。她好像完全被眼前的景象迷住了，我苦笑了一声表明我在，她没有转移视线，更没有转身。

I squeezed past her and sat down at the kitchen table. Eventually, she turned to me with a kindly smile. “It was a terribly sweet thought, Raymond.”

我从她身边挤过去，在桌子旁坐下。最后，埃米莉终于亲切地微笑着转向我说：“这主意真是太可爱了，雷蒙德。”

I could see in front of me the tipped-up sugar bowl — and the diary — and a huge feeling of weariness came over me. Everything felt suddenly overwhelming, and I decided the only way forward was to stop all the games and come clean. Taking a deep breath, I said:

我看见面前放着被我弄倒的糖罐——和日记——突然感到一股巨大的疲惫。一切都完了，我唯一的出路就是放弃所有的把戏，如实交待。我深吸了一口气，说道：

To my astonishment, she gave the diary no more than a cursory glance before turning back to the pot, saying: “Oh, that’s just a jotter. Nothing private. Don’t you worry about it, Ray.” Then she moved a step closer to the saucepan to study it all the better.

出人意料的是，她只匆匆扫了一眼本子，就又看着炉子，说：“哦，那只是一本记事本。没有什么隐私。不用担心，雷。”说完她向前走了一步，好把锅里的东西看得更清楚些。

“But Charlie told me you’d go ballistic!” My sense of outrage was now being added to by the fact that Emily had obviously forgotten what she’d been writing about me.

“可是查理跟我说你会发标！”看来埃米莉全忘了她写了我什么，我更生气了。

“What do you mean? What do you mean, don’t worry about it? How can you say that?”

“什么意思？不用担心？你怎么能这样说？”

“What’s the matter, Raymond? It’s just something to jot down stuff I might forget.”

“怎么了，雷蒙德？那本子只是用来记一些我怕忘记的事。”

“Yes! In fact, he said you’d once told him you’d saw his balls off if he ever peeked inside this little book!”

“是！他说有一次你跟他说，他要是敢看这小本子，你就把他的眼珠子挖出来！”

I wasn’t sure if Emily’s puzzled look was due to what I was saying, or still left over from gazing at the saucepan. She sat down next to me and thought for a moment.

我不确定埃米莉一脸的疑惑是因为听了我的话，还是还没从那锅东西中缓过来。她在我旁边坐下，思索起来。

“Really? Charlie told you I’d be angry?”

“真的？查理跟你说我会生气？”

“No,” she said, eventually. “That was about something else. I remember it clearly now. About this time last year, Charlie got despondent about something and asked what I’d do if he committed suicide. He was just testing me, he’s far too chicken to try anything like that. But he asked, so I told him if he did anything like that I’d saw his balls off. That’s the only time I’ve said that to him. I mean, it’s not like a refrain on my part.”

“没有，”过了好一会儿，她说道。“是别的事。我现在想起来了。去年大概这个时候，查理为了什么事情很沮丧，问我要是他自杀了，我会怎么办。他只是在探试我，他那么胆小，根本不可能去做那种事。可是他问了，我就回答他说要是他自杀了，我就把他的眼珠子挖出来。我就只有那次跟他说了这个。我意思是，这又不是我的口头禅。”

“It was just a figure of speech, Raymond. I was just trying to express how much I’d dislike him topping himself. I was making him feel valued.”

“这只是一个比方，雷蒙德。我只是想说要是他自杀了，我会多讨厌他。我想让他自信起来。”

“I don’t get this. If he committed suicide, you’d do that to him? Afterwards?”

“我不明白。要是他自杀了，你挖他的眼珠？死了以后？”

“You’re missing my point. If you do it afterwards, it’s not really a disincentive, is it? Or maybe you’re right, it would be…”

“你没明白我的意思。死了才挖眼珠不算是阻止他吧？也许你说得对，这样会……”

“Yes, yes. Please do. Please put it away.”

“嗯，对。扔了吧。”

“Raymond, let’s forget it. Let’s forget all of this. There’s a lamb casserole from yesterday, there’s over half of it left. It was pretty good last night, and it’ll be even better tonight. And we can open a nice bottle of Bordeaux. It was awfully sweet of you to start preparing something for us. But the casserole’s probably the thing for tonight, don’t you think?”

“雷蒙德，别说这些了。我们别说这些了。我们昨天吃羊肉砂锅，还剩大半锅。味道很不错，今天再炖一炖味道会更好。我们还可以开瓶上好的波尔多。我很高兴你动手准备晚餐，但是我们今晚吃砂锅吧，你说呢？”

“So… we can put this away for now?”

“那……把这些扔了吧？”

All attempts to explain now seemed beyond me. “Okay, okay. Lamb casserole. Terrific. Yes, yes.”

如今我不想再解释了。“好，好。羊肉砂锅。很好。行，可以。”

I got up and went into the living room — which of course was still a mess, but I no longer had the energy to start tidying. Instead, I lay down on the sofa and stared at the ceiling. At one point, I was aware of Emily coming into the room, and I thought she’d gone through to the hall, but then I realised she was crouched in the far corner, fiddling with the hi-fi. The next thing, the room filled with lush strings, bluesy horns, and Sarah Vaughan singing “Lover Man.”

我站起来，走进客厅——客厅还是一团糟，但我没有力气收拾了。我一屁股躺倒在沙发上，盯着天花板。过了一会儿，我听见埃米莉也到客厅里来了，我以为她要到走廊去，但她走到客厅的另一头，蹲下来摆弄音响。不一会儿，屋里响起了优美、忧郁的管弦乐声，然后是萨拉·沃恩的《爱人》。

A sense of relief and comfort washed over me. Nodding to the slow beat, I closed my eyes, remembering how all those years ago, in her college room, she and I had argued for over an hour about whether Billie Holiday always sang this song better than Sarah Vaughan.

我突然感到无比轻松、宽慰，和着缓缓的拍子，闭上眼睛，想起许多年以前，在埃米莉的宿舍里，我们俩争论说这首歌比利·霍利迪是不是每次都唱得比萨拉·沃恩好，争论了一个多小时。

“Bollocks.”

“胡说。”

Emily touched my shoulder and handed me a glass of red wine. She had a frilly apron on over her business suit, and was holding a glass for herself. She sat down at the far end of the sofa, next to my feet, and took a sip. Then she turned down the volume a little with her remote.

埃米莉碰了碰我的肩膀，递给我一杯红酒，自己手里也拿着一杯。她的套装外系着一条镶边围裙。她在沙发的另一头、我的脚边坐下来，抿了一口酒。然后用遥控器把音量关小。

“I meant about Charlie thinking the world of me.”

“我是说你说查理很爱我。”

“No, really, Emily, it’s not as bad as that. For a start, Charlie thinks the world of you. And as for me, I’m fine. I’m really fine.”

“不，不是的，埃米莉，没有那么糟。首先，查理很爱你。至于我，我很好。真的很好。”

“It’s been an awful day,” she said. “I don’t mean just work, which is a total mess. I mean Charlie going, everything. Don’t imagine it doesn’t hurt me, to have him go off abroad like that when we haven’t made up. Then to cap it all, you finally go and tip over the edge.” She gave a long sigh.

“乱糟糟的一天，”她说。“不单单是工作，今天公司里一团糟。还包括查理离开什么的。别以为我不难过，我们还没和好他就这么出国去。最后，你又这个样子。”她长长地叹了口气。

“No, really. I feel fine…”

“是真的。我感觉很好……”

“Oh, I see. Well, if you think that’s bollocks, you couldn’t be more wrong. In fact, I know Charlie loves you more than ever.”

“哦，这个。你要是觉得我是胡说，那你就大错特错了。事实上，我知道查理比以前更爱你。”

“How can you know that, Raymond?”

“你怎么知道，雷蒙德？”

“I know because… well, for a start he more or less told me so, when we were having lunch. And even if he didn’t spell it out, I can tell. Look, Emily, I know things are a bit tough right now. But you’ve got to hang on to the most important thing. Which is that he still loves you very much.”

“我怎么知道……首先，中午吃饭时，他就是这个意思。就算他没有直说，我也看得出来。你瞧，埃米莉，我知道现在事情是不太如意，但你应该记住最重要的一点，那就是查理仍旧非常爱你。”

I didn’t reply, but just propped myself up a little more so as to sip my wine better.

我没有回答，只是坐直了些，喝了一小口酒。

She did another sigh. “You know, I haven’t listened to this record for ages. It’s because of Charlie. If I put this sort of music on, he immediately starts groaning.”

她又叹了一口气。“知道吗？我好几年没听这张唱片了。都是因为查理。我一放这些唱片，他立马反对。”

“I bet you do,” she said. “You prefer that other version. Don’t you, Raymond?”

“肯定是，”她说，“你更喜欢那个版本，对不对，雷蒙德？”

We didn’t speak for a few moments, but just listened to Sarah Vaughan. Then as an instrumental break started, Emily said: “I suppose, Raymond, you prefer her other version of this. The one she did with just piano and bass.”

我们都不说话，静静听着萨拉·沃恩的歌声。歌曲间奏的时候，埃米莉说道：“雷蒙德，我想你更喜欢她的另一个版本。只有钢琴和贝司伴奏的那个。”

“Well,” I said, “I really don’t know. To tell you the truth, I don’t remember the other version.”

“这个嘛，”我说，“我不知道。老实说，我不记得那个版本了。”

“It’s funny, but I don’t listen to this kind of stuff much these days. In fact, I’ve forgotten almost everything about it. I’m not even sure what song this is right now.” I did a little laugh, which perhaps didn’t come out very well.

“真好笑，可我最近不大听这些东西了。老实说，我已经忘得差不多了。我都记不得现在这首是什么歌了。”说完，我笑了笑，但可能笑得有点奇怪。

I could feel Emily shift at the end of the sofa. “You’re kidding, Raymond.”

我能感觉到埃米莉在沙发那头动了动。“开玩笑，雷蒙德。”

Emily completely ignored this. “So what are you saying? You’re saying you don’t like this? You want me to turn it off, is that it?”

埃米莉根本不理会。“那你是什么意思？你是说你不喜欢这个？你要我把它关掉，是不是？”

“Well. A lot of years have gone by. Things change.”

“啊。过去好多年了。变了。”

“What are you talking about?” She sounded suddenly cross. “That’s ridiculous. Short of having had a lobotomy, there’s no way you could have forgotten.”

“你那是什么话？”埃米莉突然生气了。“太荒唐了。除非你把脑子给切了，不然你是不可能忘记的。”

“What are you talking about?” There was now a hint of panic in her voice. “Things can’t change that much.”

“你那是什么话？”这次她的声音里透出丝丝的恐惧。“不可能变那么多。”

I was pretty desperate to get off the subject. So I said: “Pity things are such a mess at your work.”

我实在不想再说下去，就转移话题：“工作不顺利真是够呛。”

“No, no, Emily, please, it’s lovely. It… it brings back memories. Please, let’s just get back to being quiet and relaxed, the way we were a minute ago.”

“不，不是，埃米莉，别这样，很好听。而且……而且勾起我的回忆。拜托，让我们回到刚才，一分钟以前安安静静、轻轻松松的样子。”

She did another sigh, and when she next spoke her voice was gentle again.

埃米莉又叹了一口气。当她再次开口时，又变得很温柔了。

“No, no, it’s okay.” I heaved myself up to a sitting position. “You know, Emily, Charlie’s a decent guy. A very decent guy. And he loves you. You won’t do better, you know.”

“不，不，没关系。”我坐了起来。“要知道，埃米莉，查理是个好人。很优秀的人。而且他爱你。你不可能找到比他更好的了。”

“I’m sorry, darling. I’d forgotten. That’s the last thing you need, me yelling at you. I’m so sorry.”

“对不起，亲爱的。我忘了。你最不希望我朝你大嚷大叫。我很抱歉。”

Emily shrugged and drank some more wine. “You’re probably right. And we’re hardly young any more. We’re as bad as one another. We should count ourselves lucky. But we never seem to be contented. I don’t know why. Because when I stop and think about it, I realise I don’t really want anyone else.”

埃米莉耸耸肩，喝了口酒。“也许你说得对。而且我们不年轻了。事情变成这样我们双方都有责任。我们应该觉得自己是幸运的。可是我们似乎从来不满足。我不知道为什么。因为每当我静下来细想，我知道除了他我不是真的想要其他人。”

For the next minute or so, she kept sipping her wine and listening to the music. Then she said: “You know, Raymond, when you’re at a party, at a dance. And it’s maybe a slow dance, and you’re with the person you really want to be with, and the rest of the room’s supposed to vanish. But somehow it doesn’t. It just doesn’t. You know there’s no one half as nice as the guy in your arms. And yet… well, there are all these people everywhere else in the room. They don’t leave you alone. They keep shouting and waving and doing daft things just to attract your attention. ‘Oi! How can you be satisfied with that?! You can do much better! Look over here!’ It’s like they’re shouting things like that all the time. And so it gets hopeless, you can’t just dance quietly with your guy. Do you know what I mean, Raymond?”

埃米莉不说话了，只是喝着酒，听着音乐。过了一会儿她接着说：“雷蒙德，就好像你参加派对、舞会。正慢慢地跳着舞，跟你最想在一起的人在一起，房间里的其他人就会消失。可不知为什么，不是这样的。不是。你很清楚其他人都比不上你怀里这个。可是……可是，房间里都是人。这些人让你不得安宁。不停叫啊喊啊，招呼你啊，做各种蠢事吸引你的注意。‘哦，你怎么能这样就满足了呢？！你可以找到更好的！看看我！’他们好像一直在朝我喊这样的话，越来越让人受不了，结果你没法安安静静地跟你喜欢的人跳舞。你懂我的意思吗，雷蒙德？”

“You know, Emily, I wasn’t kidding just now. Charlie thinks the world of you. He’s so upset things haven’t been going well between you.”

“要知道，埃米莉，我刚刚说的不是在开玩笑。查理很爱你。跟你闹得不愉快他也很伤心。”

I thought about it for a while, then said: “Well, I’m not as lucky as you and Charlie. I don’t have anyone special like you do. But yes, in some ways, I know just what you mean. It’s hard to know where to settle. What to settle to.”

我想了想，才答道：“我没有你和查理幸运。我没有像你们一样找到一个挚爱。但从某些方面来说，我懂你的意思。人很难知道哪里可以安身，何以安身。”

“Bloody right. I wish they’d just lay off, all these gatecrashers. I wish they’d just lay off and let us get on with it.”

“太对了。我希望这些不请自来的人走开。我希望他们走开，让我们过我们自己的。”

Her back was more or less turned to me, and she didn’t say anything for a long time. Then Sarah Vaughan began her beautiful, perhaps excessively slow version of “April in Paris,” and Emily started up like Sarah had called her name. Then she turned to me and shook her head.

此时埃米莉几乎是背对着我，而且很久都没有说话。萨拉·沃恩缓缓地唱起优美的超慢版《四月的巴黎》。这时，埃米莉突然站了起来，好像萨拉喊了她的名字。她转向我，摇摇头。

I got to my feet and walked over to the french doors, still holding my glass. When I looked out to the terrace, I realised my eyes had filled with tears. I opened the door and stepped outside so I could wipe them without Emily noticing, but then she was following right behind me, so maybe she noticed, I don’t know.

我站起来，拿着酒杯，走到落地窗前。我往天台上望去，发觉眼睛里充满泪水。于是我打开窗子，走了出去，想趁埃米莉不注意把眼泪擦掉。但是她跟了出来，不知道她是不是看到了。

“I can’t get over it, Ray. I can’t get over how you don’t listen to this kind of music any more. We used to play all these records back then. On that little record player Mum bought me before I came to university. How could you just forget?”

“我不相信，雷。我不相信你不再听这些歌了。以前我们常常一起听这些唱片。用妈妈在我上大学前给我买的那台小电唱机。你怎么可以忘记了呢？”

“We could be like Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers.”

“我们可以像弗雷德·阿斯泰尔和金洁·罗杰斯[12]一样。”【注：[12] 百老汇两位著名舞蹈家，银幕上最受欢迎的一对舞伴，两人在电影里的合作被称为世界上“最佳交际舞”。】

“I love this song,” Emily said. “I suppose you’ve forgotten this one too. But even if you’ve forgotten it, you can dance to it, can’t you?”

“我喜欢这首歌，”埃米莉说。“我想你连这首也忘了吧。但就算你不记得了，我们还是可以跟着音乐跳支舞，对不对？”

The evening was pleasantly warm, and Sarah Vaughan and her band came drifting out onto the terrace. The stars were brighter than before, and the lights of the neighbourhood were still twinkling like an extension of the night sky.

那晚温暖宜人，萨拉·沃恩的歌声和乐队的伴奏声飘到了天台上。星星比刚才更亮了，邻居家的灯光依旧像夜空里的星星一样眨着眼睛。

“Yes, we could.”

“是，我们可以。”

We placed our wine glasses on the stone table and began to dance. We didn’t dance especially well — we kept bumping our knees — but I held Emily close to me, and my senses filled with the texture of her clothes, her hair, her skin. Holding her like this, it occurred to me again how much weight she’d put on.

我们把杯子放在石桌上，开始跳舞。我们跳得不是很好，老撞到对方的膝盖，但是我把埃米莉紧紧地抱着，全身心地感觉着她的衣服、头发、肌肤。这样抱着她再次提醒我她胖了不少。

“Yes. I suppose I can.”

“是。我想可以。”

“Yes. You should.”

“是。当然了。”

“If I’m a good friend, I’m glad. Because I’m not much good at anything else. In fact, I’m pretty useless, really.”

“我很高兴我是个好朋友。除此之外我一无是处。老实说，我真的很没用。”

“You’re a good friend, Raymond. What would we do without you?”

“有你这个朋友太好了，雷蒙德。没有你我们怎么办？”

“You’re right, Raymond,” she said, quietly in my ear. “Charlie’s all right. We should sort ourselves out.”

“你说得对，雷蒙德，”她在我耳边轻声说道。“查理是个好人。我们会好起来的。”

I felt a sharp tug on my shoulder.

我感到肩膀被重重地拍了一下。

“Don’t say that,” she whispered. “Don’t talk like that.” Then a moment later, she said again: “You’re such a good friend, Raymond.”

“别说这种话，”埃米莉轻声说道。“不许说这种话。”过了一会儿，她又说了一遍：“有你这个朋友真是太好了，雷蒙德。”

This was Sarah Vaughan’s 1954 version of “April in Paris,” with Clifford Brown on trumpet. So I knew it was a long track, at least eight minutes. I felt pleased about that, because I knew after the song ended, we wouldn’t dance any more, but go in and eat the casserole. And for all I knew, Emily would re-consider what I’d done to her diary, and decide this time it wasn’t such a trivial offence. What did I know? But for another few minutes at least, we were safe, and we kept dancing under the starlit sky.

埃米莉放的是萨拉·沃恩1954年版的《四月的巴黎》，克利福德·布朗演奏的小号，所以我知道这首歌很长，至少有八分钟。我很高兴，因为我知道歌曲一结束，我们就不会再跳舞了，而是进去吃砂锅。而且我知道，到时埃米莉就会重新考虑日记本的事，这次她不会再觉得不是什么大不了的事了。谁知道呢？可是至少还有几分钟我们是安全的，我们就这么在星空下跳舞。