In Afghanistan, _yelda_ is the first night of the month of _Jadi_, the first night of winter, and the longest night of the year. As was the tradition, Hassan and I used to stay up late, our feet tucked under the kursi, while Ali tossed apple skin into the stove and told us ancient tales of sultans and thieves to pass that longest of nights. It was from Ali that I learned the lore of _yelda_, that bedeviled moths flung themselves at candle flames, and wolves climbed mountains looking for the sun. Ali swore that if you ate water melon the night of _yelda_, you wouldn’t get thirsty the coming summer.
在阿富汗，雅尔达是回历中嘉帝月的第一夜，也是冬天的第一夜，一年之中最长的夜晚。按照风俗，哈桑和我会熬到深夜，我们把脚藏在火炉桌下面，阿里将苹果皮丢进炉子，给我们讲苏丹和小偷的古老传说，度过漫漫长夜。正是从阿里口中，我得知了雅尔达的故事，知道了飞蛾扑火是因为着魔，还知道狼群爬山是要寻找太阳。阿里发誓说，要是在雅尔达那夜吃到西瓜，翌年夏天就不会口渴。
When I was older, I read in my poetry books that _yelda_ was the starless night tormented lovers kept vigil, enduring the endless dark, waiting for the sun to rise and bring with it their loved one. After I met Soraya Taheri, every night of the week became a _yelda_ for me. And when Sunday mornings came, I rose from bed, Soraya Taheri’s brown-eyed face already in my head. In Baba’s bus, I counted the miles until I’d see her sitting barefoot, arranging cardboard boxes of yellowed encyclopedias, her heels white against the asphalt, silver bracelets jingling around her slender wrists. I’d think of the shadow her hair cast on the ground when it slid off her back and hung down like a velvet curtain. Soraya. Swap Meet Princess. The morning sun to my yelda.
稍大一些之后，我从诗书中读到，雅尔达是星光黯淡的夜晚，恋人彻夜难眠，忍受着无边黑暗，等待太阳升起，带来他们的爱人。遇到索拉雅之后那个星期，对我来说，每个夜晚都是雅尔达。等到星期天早晨来临，我从床上起来，索拉雅·塔赫里的脸庞和那双棕色的明眸已然在我脑里。坐在爸爸的巴士里面，我暗暗数着路程，直到看见她赤足坐着，摆弄那些装着发黄的百科全书的纸箱，她的脚踝在柏油路的映衬下分外白皙，柔美的手腕上有银环叮当作响。一头秀发从她背后甩过，像天鹅绒幕布那样垂下来，我望着她的头发投射在地上的影子怔怔出神。索拉雅，我的交易会公主，我的雅尔达的朝阳。
I invented excuses to stroll down the aisle — which Baba acknowledged with a playful smirk — and pass the Taheris’ stand. I would wave at the general, perpetually dressed in his shiny overpressed gray suit, and he would wave back. Sometimes he’d get up from his director’s chair and we’d make small talk about my writing, the war, the day’s bargains. And I’d have to will my eyes not to peel away, not to wander to where Soraya sat reading a paperback. The general and I would say our good-byes and I’d try not to slouch as I walked away.
我制造各种各样的借口——爸爸显然知道，但只露出戏谑的微笑——沿着那条过道走下去，经过塔赫里的摊位。我会朝将军招招手，而他，永远穿着那身熨得发亮的灰色套装，会挥手应答。有时他从那张导演椅站起来，我们会稍作交谈，提及我的写作、战争、当天的交易。而我不得不管住自己的眼睛别偷看，别总是瞟向坐在那里读一本平装书的索拉雅。将军和我会彼此告别，而我走开的时候，得强打精神，掩饰自己心中的失望。
Sometimes she sat alone, the general off to some other row to socialize, and I would walk by, pretending not to know her, but dying to. Sometimes she was there with a portly middle-aged woman with pale skin and dyed red hair. I promised myself that I would talk to her before the summer was over, but schools reopened, the leaves reddened, yellowed, and fell, the rains of winter swept in and wakened Baba’s joints, baby leaves sprouted once more, and I still hadn’t had the heart, the dil, to even look her in the eye.
有时将军到其他过道去跟人攀交情，留她一人看守摊位，我会走过去，假装不认识她，可是心里想认识她想得要死。有时陪着她的还有个矮胖的中年妇女，染红发，肤色苍白。我暗下决心，在夏天结束之前一定要跟她搭讪，但学校开学了，叶子变红、变黄、掉落，冬天的雨水纷纷洒洒，折磨爸爸的手腕，树枝上吐出新芽，而我依然没有勇气、没有胆量，甚至不敢直望她的眼睛。
The spring quarter ended in late May 1985. I aced all of my general education classes, which was a minor miracle given how I’d sit in lectures and think of the soft hook of Soraya’s nose.
春季学期在1985年5月底结束。我所有的课程都得了优，这可是个小小的神迹，因为我人在课堂，心里却总是想着索拉雅柔美而笔挺的鼻子。
“Be careful, Amir,” he said as I began to walk. “Of what, Baba?”
“当心点，阿米尔。”我举步离开时他说。“当心什么，爸爸？”
“I am not an ahmaq, so don’t play stupid with me.”
“我不是蠢货，少跟我装蒜。”
Then, one sweltering Sunday that summer, Baba and I were at the flea market, sitting at our booth, fanning our faces with news papers. Despite the sun bearing down like a branding iron, the market was crowded that day and sales had been strong — it was only 12:30 but we’d already made $160. I got up, stretched, and asked Baba if he wanted a Coke. He said he’d love one.
然后，某个闷热的夏季星期天，爸爸跟我在跳蚤市场，坐在我们的摊位，用报纸往脸上扇风。尽管阳光像烙铁那样火辣辣，那天市场人满为患，销售相当可观——才到12点半，我们已经赚了160美元。我站起来，伸伸懒腰，问爸爸要不要来杯可口可乐。他说来一杯。
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“我不知道你在说什么啊。”
“I’m only going to get us drinks.”
“我不过是去给我们买饮料。”
“Remember this,” Baba said, pointing at me, “The man is a Pashtun to the root. He has nang and namoos.” Nang. Namoos. Honor and pride. The tenets of Pashtun men. Especially when it came to the chastity of a wife. Or a daughter.
“你要记住，”爸爸指着我说，“那家伙是个纯正的普什图人，他有名誉和尊严。”这是普什图人的信条，尤其是关系到妻子或者女儿的贞节时。
“Just don’t embarrass me, that’s all I ask.”
“别让我难看，我就这点要求。”
“Salaam,” I said. “I’m sorry to be mozahem, I didn’t mean to disturb you.”
“你好，”我说，“打扰了，对不起。我不是故意打扰你的。”
“Salaam.”
“你好。”
I walked toward the concession booth initially, then turned left at the T-shirt stand-where, for $5, you could have the face of Jesus, Elvis, Jim Morrison, or all three, pressed on a white nylon T-shirt. Mariachi music played overhead, and I smelled pickles and grilled meat.
起初我朝贩卖处走去，然后在卖衬衫的摊位左转。在那儿，你只消花5块钱，便可以在白色的尼龙衬衫上印上耶稣、猫王或者吉姆·莫里森的头像，或者三个一起印。马里亚奇①的音乐在头顶回响，我闻到腌黄瓜和烤肉的味道。【注：①墨西哥传统音乐乐团，主要使用乐器有小号、曼陀铃、吉他、竖琴以及小提琴等，所演唱歌曲风格通常较为热烈。】
Baba lit a cigarette and started fanning himself again.
爸爸点了根烟，继续扇着风。
I spotted the Taheris’ gray van two rows from ours, next to a kiosk selling mango-on-a-stick. She was alone, reading. White ankle-length summer dress today. Open-toed sandals. Hair pulled back and crowned with a tulip-shaped bun. I meant to simply walk by again and I thought I had, except suddenly I was standing at the edge of the Taheris’ white tablecloth, staring at Soraya across curling irons and old neckties. She looked up.
我看见塔赫里灰色的货车，和我们的车隔着两排，紧挨着一个卖芒果串的小摊。她单身一人，在看书，今天穿着长及脚踝的白色夏装，凉鞋露出脚趾，头发朝后扎，梳成郁金香形状的发髻。我打算跟以前一样只是走过，我以为可以做到，可是突然之间，我发现自己站在塔赫里的白色桌布边上，越过烫发用的铁发夹和旧领带，盯着索拉雅。她抬头。
“Is General Sahib here today?” I said. My ears were burning. I couldn’t bring myself to look her in the eye.
“将军大人今天不在吗？”我说。我的耳朵发烧，无法正视她的明眸。
“I won’t. God, Baba.”
“我不会的，天啦，爸爸。”
“He went that way,” she said. Pointed to her right. The bracelet slipped down to her elbow, silver against olive.
“他去那边了。”她说，指着右边，绿色镶银的手镯从她的胳膊肘上滑落。
“Thank you,” I said. “Oh, and my name is Amir. In case you need to know. So you can tell him. That I stopped by. To… pay my respects.”
“谢谢你。”我说，“哦，我的名字叫阿米尔。这次你需要知道，才好跟他说。说我路过这里，向他…问好。”
Up to that point, our encounter could have been interpreted as a respectful inquiry, one man asking for the whereabouts of another man. But I’d asked her a question and if she answered, we’d be… well, we’d be chatting. Me a mojarad, a single young man, and she an unwed young woman. One with a history, no less. This was teetering dangerously on the verge of gossip material, and the best kind of it. Poison tongues would flap. And she would bear the brunt of that poison, not me — I was fully aware of the Afghan double standard that favored my gender. Not Did you see him chatting with her? but Wooooy! Did you see how she wouldn’t let him go? What a lochak!
直到那时，我们的邂逅可以解释成礼节性的问候，一个男人问起另外一个男人。但我问了她问题，如果她回答，我们将会…这么说吧，我们将会聊天。我，一个单身的青年男子，而她是个未婚的少女。她有过一段历史，这就够了。我们正徘徊在风言风语的危险边缘，毒舌会说长道短，而承受流言毒害的将会是她，不是我——我十分清楚阿富汗人的双重标准，身为男性，我占尽便宜。不是“你没见到他找她聊天吗？”而是“哇，你没看到她舍不得他离开吗？多么不知道廉耻啊！”
“Yes.”
“好的。”
I began to walk. Stopped and turned. I said it before I had a chance to lose my nerve: “Can I ask what you’re reading?”
我举步离开。停下，转身。趁着勇气还没有消失，我赶忙说：“我可以知道你在看什么书吗？”
I shifted on my feet, cleared my throat. “I’ll go now. Sorry to have disturbed you.”
我挪了挪脚，清清喉咙，“我要走了，很抱歉打扰到你。”
“Oh. Good.” I tipped my head and gave her a half smile. “I’ll go now.” Hadn’t I already said that? “Khoda hafez.”
“哦，那就好。”我点点头，给她一个勉强的微笑。“我要走了。”好像我已经说过了吧？“再见。”
I held my breath. Suddenly, I felt the collective eyes of the flea market Afghans shift to us. I imagined a hush falling. Lips stop ping in midsentence. Heads turning. Eyes narrowing with keen interest.
我屏住呼吸。刹那间，我觉得跳蚤市场里面所有的眼睛都朝我们看来。我猜想四周似乎突然寂静下来，话说到一半戛然而止。人们转过头，饶有兴致地眯起眼睛。
“I will.”
“可以。”
“Khoda hafez.”
“再见。”
She blinked.
她眨眨眼。
“Will you tell him I stopped by to pay my respects?” I said.
“你可不可以跟他说，我路过这里，问候他一下。”我说。
What was this?
这是怎么回事？
“Nay, you didn’t,” she said.
“没有，你没有。”她说。
She turned the book so the cover faced me. Wuthering Heights. “Have you read it?” she said.
她翻过书，让封面对着我。《呼啸山庄》。“你看过吗？”她说。
“They do.”
“确实这样。”
By Afghan standards, my question had been bold. With it, I had bared myself, and left little doubt as to my interest in her. But I was a man, and all I had risked was a bruised ego. Bruises healed. Reputations did not. Would she take my dare?
按照阿富汗人的标准，我的问题很唐突。问出这句话，意味着我无所遮掩，对她的兴趣再也毋庸置疑。但我是个男人，我所冒的风险，顶多是尊严受伤罢了，受伤了会痊愈，可是名誉毁了不再有清白。她会接受我的挑战吗？
“Sad stories make good books,” she said.
“好书总是跟悲伤的故事有关。”她说。
“I heard you write.”
“听说你写作？”
How did she know? I wondered if her father had told her, maybe she had asked him. I immediately dismissed both scenarios as absurd. Fathers and sons could talk freely about women. But no Afghan girl — no decent and mohtaram Afghan girl, at least — queried her father about a young man. And no father, especially a Pashtun with nang and namoos, would discuss a mojarad with his daughter, not unless the fellow in question was a khastegar, a suitor, who had done the honorable thing and sent his father to knock on the door.
她怎么知道？我寻思是不是她父亲说的，也许她曾问过他。我立即打消了这两个荒谬的念头。父亲跟儿子可以随心所欲地谈论妇女。但不会有阿富汗女子——至少是有教养的阿富汗淑女——向她父亲问起青年男子。而且，没有父亲，特别是一个有名誉和尊严的普什图男人，会跟自己的女儿谈论未婚少男，除非这个家伙是求爱者，已经做足体面的礼节，请他父亲前来提亲。
I nodded. I could feel the pulsating beat of my heart behind my eyes. “It’s a sad story.”
我点点头。我感到自己的心怦怦跳。“那是个悲伤的故事。”
Incredibly, I heard myself say, “Would you like to read one of my stories?”
难以置信的是，我听见自己说：“你愿意看看我写的故事吗？”
“I would like that,” she said. I sensed an unease in her now, saw it in the way her eyes began to flick side to side. Maybe checking for the general. I wondered what he would say if he found me speaking for such an inappropriate length of time with his daughter.
“我愿意。”她说。现在我从她的神情感觉她有些不安，她的眼睛开始东瞟西看，也许是看看将军来了没有。我怀疑，要是让他看到我跟她女儿交谈了这么久，他会有什么反应呢？
“Amir jan, good to see you,” she said, unloading the bag on the tablecloth. Her brow glistened with a sheen of sweat. Her red hair, coiffed like a helmet, glittered in the sunlight — I could see bits of her scalp where the hair had thinned. She had small green eyes buried in a cabbage-round face, capped teeth, and little fingers like sausages. A golden Allah rested on her chest, the chain burrowed under the skin tags and folds of her neck. “I am Jamila, Soraya jan’s mother.”
“亲爱的阿米尔，见到你真高兴。”她说，把袋子放在桌布上。她的额头泛出丝丝汗珠，一头红发看上去像头盔，在阳光下闪闪发亮——在她头发稀疏的地方露出点点头皮。她有双绿色的小眼睛，埋藏在那圆得像卷心菜的脸蛋上，牙齿镶金，短短的手指活像香肠。她胸前挂着一尊金色的安拉，链子在她皮肤的褶皱和脖子的肥肉间忽隐忽现。“我叫雅米拉，亲爱的索拉雅的妈妈。”
“Maybe I’ll bring you one someday,” I said. I was about to say more when the woman I’d seen on occasion with Soraya came walking up the aisle. She was carrying a plastic bag full of fruit. When she saw us, her eyes bounced from Soraya to me and back. She smiled.
“也许改天我会带给你，”我说。我还想说些什么，那个我曾见到跟索拉雅在一起的女人走进过道。她提着塑料袋，里面装满水果。她看到我们，滴溜溜的眼珠看着我和索拉雅，微笑起来。
I’d asked Baba once why General Taheri’s daughter hadn’t married yet. No suitors, Baba said. No suitable suitors, he amended. But he wouldn’t say more — Baba knew how lethal idle talk could prove to a young woman’s prospects of marrying well. Afghan men, especially those from reputable families, were fickle creatures. A whisper here, an insinuation there, and they fled like startled birds. So weddings had come and gone and no one had sung ahesta boro for Soraya, no one had painted her palms with henna, no one had held a Koran over her headdress, and it had been General Taheri who’d danced with her at every wedding.
有一次，我问爸爸，为什么塔赫里将军的女儿还没有嫁出去。“没有追求者，”爸爸说，“没有门当户对的追求者。”他补充说。但他再也不说了——爸爸知道这种致命的闲言碎语会给少女未来的婚姻造成什么样的影响。阿富汗男人，尤其是出身名门望族的那些人，都是见风使舵的家伙。这儿几句闲话，那儿数声诋毁，他们就会像惊鸟般落荒而逃。所以不断有婚礼举行，可是没人给索拉雅唱“慢慢走”，没有人在她手掌涂指甲花，没有人把《可兰经》摆放在她头巾上，每个婚礼上，陪着她跳舞的，总是塔赫里将军。
“How is your father?” she said.
“你爸爸还好吗？”她说。
“Salaam, Khala jan,” I said, embarrassed, as I often was around Afghans, that she knew me and I had no idea who she was.
“你好，亲爱的阿姨。”我说，有些尴尬，我经常身处阿富汗人之间，他们认得我是什么人，我却不知道对方姓甚名谁。
“He’s well, thank you.”
“他很好，谢谢。”
“You know, your grandfather, Ghazi Sahib, the judge? Now, his uncle and my grandfather were cousins,” she said. “So you see, we’re related.” She smiled a cap-toothed smile, and I noticed the right side of her mouth drooping a little. Her eyes moved between Soraya and me again.
“你认识你的爷爷伽兹老爷吗？他是个法官。喏，他的叔叔跟我爷爷是表亲。”她说，“所以你看，我们还是亲戚呢。”她微笑着露出一口金牙，我注意到她右边的嘴角有点下垂。她的眼睛又在我和索拉雅之间转起来。
And now, this woman, this mother, with her heartbreakingly eager, crooked smile and the barely veiled hope in her eyes. I cringed a little at the position of power I’d been granted, and all because I had won at the genetic lottery that had determined my sex.
而如今，这个妇女，这个母亲，带着令人心碎的渴望，讨好微笑，对眼中的希望不加掩饰。我对自己所处的有利地位感到畏怯，而这全都因为，我赢得了那场决定我性别的基因博彩。
I could never read the thoughts in the general’s eyes, but I knew this much about his wife: If I was going to have an adversary in this — whatever this was — it would not be her.
我从来没能看穿将军的双眸，但我从他妻子眼里懂得的可就多了：如果我在这件事情上——不管这件事情是什么——会遇到对手，那绝对不是她。
“Sit down, Amir jan,” she said. “Soraya, get him a chair, hachem. And wash one of those peaches. They’re sweet and fresh.”
“请坐，亲爱的阿米尔。”她说，“索拉雅，给他一张椅子，我的孩子。洗几个桃子，它们又甜又多汁。”
“Oh?” Khanum Taheri said, clearly impressed that I’d done the polite thing and declined the offer. “Then here, at least have this.” She threw a handful of kiwis and a few peaches into a paper bag and insisted I take them. “Carry my Salaam to your father. And come back to see us again.”
“哦？”塔赫里太太说，显然，她被我礼貌地婉拒她的得体举止打动了。“那么，给你，至少带上这个。”她抓起一把猕猴桃，还有几个桃子，放进纸袋，坚持要我收下。“替我问候你爸爸，常来看看我们。”
“Nay, thank you,” I said. “I should get going. My father’s waiting.”
“不用了，谢谢。”我说，“我得回去了，爸爸在等我。”
“I will. Thank you, Khala jan,” I said. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Soraya looking away.
“我会的，谢谢你，亲爱的阿姨。”我说，我用眼角的余光看到索拉雅正望着别处。
“I THOUGHT YOU WERE GETTING COKES,” Baba said, taking the bag of peaches from me. He was looking at me in a simultaneously serious and playful way. I began to make some thing up, but he bit into a peach and waved his hand, “Don’t bother, Amir. Just remember what I said.”
“我还以为你去买可乐了呢。”爸爸说，从我手里接过那袋桃子。他看着我，神情既严肃，又戏谑。我开始找说词，但他咬了一口桃子，挥挥手：“别费劲了，阿米尔。只要记得我说的就行。”
THAT NIGHT IN BED, I thought of the way dappled sunlight had danced in Soraya’s eyes, and of the delicate hollows above her collarbone. I replayed our conversation over and over in my head. Had she said I heard you write or I heard you’re a writer? Which was it? I tossed in my sheets and stared at the ceiling, dismayed at the thought of six laborious, interminable nights of yelda until I saw her again.
那天夜晚，躺在床上，我想着闪烁的阳光在索拉雅眼里舞动的样子，想着她锁骨上方那美丽的凹陷。我在脑里一遍又一遍回放着我们的对话。她说的是“我听说你是个作家”还是“我听说你写作”？是哪句呢？我捂紧被子，盯着天花板，痛苦地想起，要度过连续六个漫漫的雅尔达之夜，我才能再次见到她。
IT WENT ON LIKE THAT for a few weeks. I’d wait until the general went for a stroll, then I’d walk past the Taheris’ stand. If Khanum Taheri was there, she’d offer me tea and a kolcha and we’d chat about Kabul in the old days, the people we knew, her arthritis. Undoubtedly, she had noticed that my appearances always coincided with her husband’s absences, but she never let on. “Oh you just missed your Kaka,” she’d say. I actually liked it when Khanum Taheri was there, and not just because of her amiable ways; Soraya was more relaxed, more talkative with her mother around. As if her presence legitimized whatever was happening between us — though certainly not to the same degree that the general’s would have. Khanum Taheri’s chaperoning made our meetings, if not gossip-proof, then less gossip-worthy, even if her borderline fawning on me clearly embarrassed Soraya.
好几个星期都是如此这般。我等到将军散步离开，然后走过塔赫里的货摊。如果塔赫里太太在，她会请我喝茶、吃饼干，我们会谈起旧时在喀布尔的光景，那些我们认识的人，还有她的关节炎。她显然注意到我总是在她丈夫离开的时候出现，但她从不揭穿。“哦，你家叔叔刚刚才走开。”她会说。我真的喜欢塔赫里太太在那儿，并且不仅是由于她和善的态度，还因为有她母亲在场，索拉雅会变得更放松、更健谈。何况她在也让我们之间的交往显得正常——虽然不能跟塔赫里将军在场相提并论。有了塔赫里太太的监护，我们的约会就算不能杜绝风言风语，至少也可以少招惹一些。不过她对我套近乎的态度明显让索拉雅觉得尴尬。
One day, Soraya and I were alone at their booth, talking. She was telling me about school, how she too was working on her general education classes, at Ohlone Junior College in Fremont.
某天，索拉雅跟我单独在他们的货摊上交谈。她正告诉我学校里的事情，她如何努力学习她的通选课程，她在弗里蒙特的“奥龙专科学校”就读。
“I want to be a teacher,” she said.
“我想当老师。”她说。
“Tell me.”
“讲来听听。”
“I’ve always wanted to. When we lived in Virginia, I became ESL certified and now I teach at the public library one night a week. My mother was a teacher too, she taught Farsi and history at Zarghoona High School for girls in Kabul.”
“这是我一直梦想的。我们在弗吉尼亚生活的时候，我获得了英语培训证书，现在我每周有一个晚上到公共图书馆教书。我妈妈过去也是教师，她在喀布尔的高级中学教女生法尔西语和历史。”
“What will you major in?”
“你打算主修什么呢？”
“It’s kind of silly.”
“它有点傻。”
“Really? Why?”
“真的吗？为什么？”
“Please tell me.”
“告诉我吧。”
A potbellied man in a deerstalker hat offered three dollars for a five-dollar set of candlesticks and Soraya let him have it. She dropped the money in a little candy box by her feet. She looked at me shyly. “I want to tell you a story,” she said, “but I’m a little embarrassed about it.”
一个大腹便便的男人头戴猎帽，出价3块钱，想买一组5块钱的烛架，索拉雅卖给他。她把钱丢进脚下那个小小的糖果罐，羞涩地望着我。“我想给您讲个故事，”她说，“可是我有点难为情。”
She laughed. “Well, when I was in fourth grade in Kabul, my father hired a woman named Ziba to help around the house. She had a sister in Iran, in Mashad, and, since Ziba was illiterate, she’d ask me to write her sister letters once in a while. And when the sister replied, I’d read her letter to Ziba. One day, I asked her if she’d like to learn to read and write. She gave me this big smile, crinkling her eyes, and said she’d like that very much. So we’d sit at the kitchen table after I was done with my own schoolwork and I’d teach her Alef-beh. I remember looking up sometimes in the middle of homework and seeing Ziba in the kitchen, stirring meat in the pressure cooker, then sitting down with a pencil to do the alphabet homework I’d assigned to her the night before.”
她笑起来，“好吧，在喀布尔，我四年级的时候，我爸爸请了个打理家务的佣人，叫兹芭。她有个姐妹在伊朗的马夏德。因为兹芭不识字，每隔不久，她就会求我给她姐妹写信。每当她姐妹回信，我会念给兹芭听。有一天，我问她想不想读书识字。她给我一个大大的微笑，双眼放光，说她很想很想。所以，我完成自己的作业之后，我们就坐在厨房的桌子上，我教她认字母。我记得有时候，我作业做到一半，抬起头，发现兹芭在厨房里，搅搅高压锅里面的牛肉，然后坐下，用铅笔做我前一天夜里给她布置的字母表作业。”
“Yes,” I lied. I thought of how I had used my literacy to ridicule Hassan. How I had teased him about big words he didn’t know.
“是的。”我说谎。我想起自己如何愚弄不识字的哈桑，如何用他不懂的晦涩字眼取笑他。
“I know,” she said. “My mother told me.” Then her face red dened with a blush at what she had blurted, at the implication of her answer, that “Amir Conversations” took place between them when I wasn’t there. It took an enormous effort to stop myself from smiling.
“我知道，”她说，“我妈妈跟我说过。”接着因为这句话，她脸上泛起红晕。她的答案暗示着，我不在的时候，她们曾经“谈起阿米尔”。我费了好大劲才忍住让自己不发笑。
“Anyway, within a year, Ziba could read children’s books. We sat in the yard and she read me the tales of Dara and Sara — slowly but correctly. She started calling me Moalem Soraya, Teacher Soraya.” She laughed again. “I know it sounds childish, but the first time Ziba wrote her own letter, I knew there was nothing else I’d ever want to be but a teacher. I was so proud of her and I felt I’d done something really worthwhile, you know?”
“不管怎样，不到一年，兹芭能读儿童书了。我们坐在院子里，她给我念达拉和沙拉的故事——念得很慢，不过全对。她开始管我叫‘索拉雅老师’。”她又笑起来，“我知道这听起来很孩子气，但当兹芭第一次自己写信，我就知道自己除了教书，别的什么都不想做。我为她骄傲，觉得自己做了些真正有价值的事情。您说呢？”
“My mother was a teacher too,” I said.
“我妈妈也是教师。”我说。
“My father wants me to go to law school, my mother’s always throwing hints about medical school, but I’m going to be a teacher. Doesn’t pay much here, but it’s what I want.”
“我爸爸希望我去念法学院，我妈妈总是暗示我选择医学院。但我想要成为教师。虽然在这里收入不高，但那是我想要的。”
“Salaam, General Sahib,” I said through heavy lips.
“你好，将军大人。”我嗫嚅着说。
“I brought you something.” I fished the roll of stapled pages from my back pocket. “As promised.” I handed her one of my short stories.
“我给你带了些东西，”我从后裤兜掏出一卷订好的纸张，“实现诺言。”我递给她一篇自己写的小故事。
He moved past me, toward the booth. “What a beautiful day it is, nay?” he said, thumb hooked in the breast pocket of his vest, the other hand extended toward Soraya. She gave him the pages.
他从我身旁走过，迈向货摊。“今天天气很好，是吗？”他说，拇指搭在他那间背心的上袋，另一只手伸向索拉雅。她把纸卷给了他。
“Oh, you remembered,” she said, actually beaming. “Thank you!” I barely had time to register that she’d addressed me with “tu” for the first time and not the formal “shoma,” because suddenly her smile vanished. The color dropped from her face, and her eyes fixed on something behind me. I turned around. Came face-to-face with General Taheri.
“哦，你还记得。”她说，笑逐颜开，“谢谢你！”我没有时间体会她第一次用“你”而非用较正式的“您”称呼我到底意味着什么，因为突然间她的笑容消失了，脸上的红晕褪去，眼睛盯着我身后。我转过身，跟塔赫里将军面对面站着。
“They say it will rain this week. Hard to believe, isn’t it?” He dropped the rolled pages in the garbage can. Turned to me and gently put a hand on my shoulder. We took a few steps together.
“他们说整个星期都会下雨呢。很难相信吧，是吗？”他把那卷纸张丢进垃圾桶。转向我，轻轻地把手放在我的肩膀上，我们并排走了几步。
“You know, bachem, I have grown rather fond of you. You are a decent boy, I really believe that, but –” he sighed and waved a hand “– even decent boys need reminding sometimes. So it’s my duty to remind you that you are among peers in this flea market.” He stopped. His expressionless eyes bore into mine. “You see, everyone here is a storyteller.” He smiled, revealing perfectly even teeth. “Do pass my respects to your father, Amir jan.”
“你知道，我的孩子，我相当喜欢你。你是个有教养的孩子，我真的这么认为，但是…”他叹了口气，挥挥手，“…即使有教养的男孩有时也需要提醒。所以，我有责任提醒你，你是在跳蚤市场的众目睽睽之下做事情。”他停住，他那不露喜怒的眸子直盯着我双眼，“你知道，这里每个人都会讲故事。”他微笑，露出一口整整齐齐的牙齿，“替我向你爸爸问好，亲爱的阿米尔。”
“Amir jan. Our aspiring storyteller. What a pleasure,” he said. He was smiling thinly.
“亲爱的阿米尔，抱负远大的说故事的人，很高兴见到你。”他说，挂着淡淡的微笑。
IT STARTED WITH A HACKING COUGH and the sniffles. He got over the sniffles, but the cough persisted. He’d hack into his handkerchief, stow it in his pocket. I kept after him to get it checked, but he’d wave me away. He hated doctors and hospitals. To my knowledge, the only time Baba had ever gone to a doctor was the time he’d caught malaria in India.
开始只是有点咳嗽和流鼻涕。他的流鼻涕痊愈了，可是咳嗽还是没好。他会咳在手帕上，把它藏在口袋里。我不停地求他去检查，但他会挥手叫我走开。他讨厌大夫和医院。就我所知，爸爸惟一去医院那次，是在印度染上疟疾。
“What’s for dinner?” he said.
“晚饭吃什么？”他说。
“Akh, Amir,” he sighed.
“唉，阿米尔。”他叹气。
“How long have you been doing that?” I said.
“你这样多久了？”我说。
“I’m taking you to the doctor.”
“我要带你去看大夫。”
Even though Baba was a manager at the gas station, the owner hadn’t offered him health insurance, and Baba, in his recklessness, hadn’t insisted. So I took him to the county hospital in San Jose. The sallow, puffy-eyed doctor who saw us introduced himself as a second-year resident. “He looks younger than you and sicker than me,” Baba grumbled. The resident sent us down for a chest X-ray. When the nurse called us back in, the resident was filling out a form.
虽说爸爸已经是加油站的经理，那老板没有给他提供医疗保险，而爸爸满不在乎，没有坚持。于是我带他去圣荷塞的县立医院。有个面带菜色、双眼浮肿的大夫接待了我们，自我介绍说是第二年的驻院医师。“他看起来比你还年轻，但比我病得还重。”爸爸咕哝说。那驻院医师让我们下楼去做胸部X光扫描。护士喊我们进去的时候，医师正在填一张表。
“WHAT’S WRONG?” Baba said. He was taking an elderly woman’s money for a rocking horse.
“怎么回事？”爸爸说，接过一个老妇人买木马的钱。
“Nothing,” I said. I sat down on an old TV set. Then I told him anyway.
“没事。”我说。我坐在一台旧电视机上。不过还是告诉他了。
Then, two weeks later, I caught him coughing a wad of blood-stained phlegm into the toilet.
然后，过了两个星期，我撞见他正把一口带血丝的痰咳到马桶里面去。
As it turned out, I didn’t get to brood too much over what had happened.
结果，刚才发生的事情没有让我烦恼太久。
Because later that week, Baba caught a cold.
因为那个星期稍晚一些时候，爸爸感冒了。
He dropped his hand. Smiled again.
他把手放下，又露出微笑。
I wanted to ask him how I was supposed to live with that word, “suspicious,” for two whole weeks. How was I supposed eat, work, study? How could he send me home with that word?
我想质问他，带着“可疑”这个词，我怎么撑过这两个星期？我怎么能够吃饭、工作、学习？他怎么可以用这个词打发我回家？
“Cancer?” Baba added casually.
“癌症吗？”爸爸若无其事地加上一句。
“For what?”
“干吗用？”
“Pulmonary clinic.”
“给肺科。”
“Yes.”
“是的。”
He nodded. Looked from me to Baba and back again. “They’ll call you within two weeks.”
他点点头，眼光又看看我，看看爸爸，又收回来。“两个星期之内，他们会给你打电话。”
“A spot?” I said, the room suddenly too small.
“黑点？”我说，房间突然之间变得太小了。
“Not really. Need a CAT scan first, then see the lung doctor.” He handed me the referral form. “You said your father smokes, right?”
“没办法，需要先去做CAT扫描，然后去看肺科医生。”他把转诊单递给我。“你说过你爸爸吸烟，对吧？”
“Take this to the front desk,” he said, scribbling quickly.
“把这张表带到前台。”他说，匆匆写着。
“What is it?” I asked.
“那是什么？”我问。
“Possible. It’s suspicious, anyway,” the doctor muttered.
“也许是，总之很可疑。”医生咕哝道。
“Can’t you tell us more?” I asked.
“你可以多告诉我们一些吗？”我问。
“What’s that?”
“那是什么？”
I took the form and turned it in. That night, I waited until Baba fell asleep, and then folded a blanket. I used it as a prayer rug. Bowing my head to the ground, I recited half-forgotten verses from the Koran — verses the mullah had made us commit to memory in Kabul — and asked for kindness from a God I wasn’t sure existed. I envied the mullah now, envied his faith and certainty.
我接过那张表格，交了上去。那晚，我等到爸爸入睡，然后叠起一条毛毯，把它当成祷告用的褥子。我把头磕在地面，暗暗念诵那些记不太清楚的《可兰经》——在喀布尔的时候毛拉要求我们背诵的经文——求求真主大发善心，虽则我不知道他是否存在。那时我很羡慕那个毛拉，羡慕他的信仰和坚定。
“A referral.” Scribble scribble.
“转诊介绍。”他写啊写。
He gave me a quick glance. Pushed up his glasses. Began scribbling again. “He’s got a spot on his right lung. I want them to check it out.”
他瞥了我一眼，推了推眼镜，又开始写起来。“他肺部的右边有个黑点，我想让他们复查一下。”
“Dr. Schneider’s parents fled from Shorawi, don’t you see? They escaped!”
“施内德大夫的父母从俄国逃亡出来，你懂吗？他们逃亡！”
Two weeks passed and no one called. And when I called them, they told me they’d lost the referral. Was I sure I had turned it in? They said they would call in another three weeks. I raised hell and bargained the three weeks down to one for the CAT scan, two to see the doctor.
两个星期过去了，我们没有接到电话。我打电话过去，他们告诉我说找不到那张转诊单，问我究竟有没有把它交上去。他们说再过三个星期，会打电话来。我勃然作色，经过一番交涉，把三个星期改为一个星期内做CAT，两个星期内看医生。
The visit with the pulmonologist, Dr. Schneider, was going well until Baba asked him where he was from. Dr. Schneider said Russia. Baba lost it.
接诊的肺科医师叫施内德，开头一切都好，直到爸爸问他从哪里来，他说俄国。爸爸当场翻脸。
“I don’t care where he was born, he’s Roussi,” Baba said, grimacing like it was a dirty word. “His parents were Roussi, his grandparents were Roussi. I swear on your mother’s face I’ll break his arm if he tries to touch me.”
“我不在乎他在哪儿出生，他是俄国佬。”爸爸说，做出扭曲的表情，仿佛那是个肮脏的字眼。“他的父母是俄国佬，他的祖父母是俄国佬。我当着你妈妈的面发誓，要是他胆敢再碰我一下，我就扭断他的手。”
“Excuse us, Doctor,” I said, pulling Baba aside. Dr. Schneider smiled and stood back, stethoscope still in hand.
“对不起，大夫。”我说，将爸爸拉到一旁。施内德大夫微笑着站起来，手里还拿着听诊器。
“Baba, I read Dr. Schneider’s biography in the waiting room. He was born in Michigan. Michigan! He’s American, a lot more American than you and I will ever be.”
“爸爸，我在候诊室看过施内德大夫的简历。他的出生地是密歇根，密歇根！他是美国人，远比你和我更美国。”
But Baba would hear none of it. Sometimes I think the only thing he loved as much as his late wife was Afghanistan, his late country. I almost screamed with frustration. Instead, I sighed and turned to Dr. Schneider. “I’m sorry, Doctor. This isn’t going to work out.”
但爸爸一点都没听进去。有时我认为，爸爸惟一像爱他妻子那样深爱着的，是阿富汗，他的故国。我差点儿抓狂大叫，但我只是叹口气，转向施内德医师。“对不起，大夫，没有办法。”
The next pulmonologist, Dr. Amani, was Iranian and Baba approved. Dr. Amani, a soft-spoken man with a crooked mustache and a mane of gray hair, told us he had reviewed the CAT scan results and that he would have to perform a procedure called a bronchoscopy to get a piece of the lung mass for pathology. He scheduled it for the following week. I thanked him as I helped Baba out of the office, thinking that now I had to live a whole week with this new word, “mass,” an even more ominous word than “suspicious.” I wished Soraya were there with me.
第二个肺科医师叫阿曼尼，是伊朗人，爸爸同意了。阿曼尼大夫声音轻柔，留着弯曲的小胡子，一头银发。他告诉我们，他已经看过CAT扫描的结果，接下来他要做的，是进行一项叫支气管镜检查的程序，取下一片肺块做病理学分析。他安排下个星期进行。我搀扶爸爸走出诊室，向大夫道谢，心里想着如今我得带着“肺块”这个词过一整个星期了，这个字眼甚至比“可疑”更不吉利。我希望索拉雅能在这儿陪着我。
It turned out that, like Satan, cancer had many names. Baba’s was called “Oat Cell Carcinoma.” Advanced. Inoperable. Baba asked Dr. Amani for a prognosis. Dr. Amani bit his lip, used the word “grave.” “There is chemotherapy, of course,” he said. “But it would only be palliative.”
就像魔鬼一样，癌症有各种不同的名字。爸爸患的叫“燕麦细胞恶性肿瘤”。已经扩散。没法开刀。爸爸问起病况，阿曼尼大夫咬咬嘴唇，用了“严重”这个词。“当然，可以做化疗。”他说，“但那只是治标不治本。”
Dr. Amani sighed. “It means it wouldn’t change the outcome, just prolong it.”
阿曼尼叹气说：“那就是说，它无法改变结果，只能延迟它的到来。”
“What does that mean?” Baba asked.
“那是什么意思？”爸爸问。
“That’s a clear answer, Dr. Amani. Thank you for that,” Baba said. “But no chemo-medication for me.” He had the same resolved look on his face as the day he’d dropped the stack of food stamps on Mrs. Dobbins’s desk.
“这个答案清楚多了，阿曼尼大夫，谢谢你。”爸爸说，“但请不要在我身上做化疗。”他露出如释重负的神情，一如那天在杜宾斯太太的柜台上放下那叠食物券。
“Don’t you challenge me in public, Amir. Ever. Who do you think you are?”
“别在公众场合跟我顶嘴，阿米尔，永远不要。你以为你是谁？”
“But Baba –“
“可是，爸爸…”
THE RAIN General Taheri had spoken about at the flea market was a few weeks late, but when we stepped out of Dr. Amani’s office, passing cars sprayed grimy water onto the sidewalks. Baba lit a cigarette. He smoked all the way to the car and all the way home.
塔赫里将军在跳蚤市场提到的雨水姗姗来迟了几个星期，但当我们走出阿曼尼大夫的诊室，过往的车辆令地面上的积水溅上人行道。爸爸点了根烟。我们回家的路上，他一直在车里抽烟。
Baba pocketed the keys, pulled me out of the rain and under the building’s striped awning. He kneaded me on the chest with the hand holding the cigarette. “Bas! I’ve made my decision.”
爸爸将钥匙放进口袋，把我从雨中拉进大楼破旧的雨棚之下，用拿着香烟的手戳戳我的胸膛：“住口！我已经决定了。”
As he was slipping the key into the lobby door, I said, “I wish you’d give the chemo a chance, Baba.”
就在他把钥匙伸进楼下大门的锁眼时，我说：“我希望你能考虑一下化疗，爸爸。”
“What about me, Baba? What am I supposed to do?” I said, my eyes welling up.
“那我呢，爸爸？我该怎么办？”我说，泪如泉涌。
A look of disgust swept across his rain-soaked face. It was the same look he’d give me when, as a kid, I’d fall, scrape my knees, and cry. It was the crying that brought it on then, the crying that brought it on now. “You’re twenty-two years old, Amir! A grown man! You…” he opened his mouth, closed it, opened it again, reconsidered. Above us, rain drummed on the canvas awning. “What’s going to happen to you, you say? All those years, that’s what I was trying to teach you, how to never have to ask that question.”
一抹厌恶的神色掠过他那张被雨水打湿的脸。在我小时候，每逢我摔倒，擦破膝盖，放声大哭，他也会给我这种脸色。当时是因为哭泣让他厌恶，现在也是因为哭泣惹他不快。“你二十二岁了，阿米尔！一个成年人！你…”他张开嘴巴，闭上，再次张开，重新思索。在我们头顶，雨水敲打着帆布雨棚。“你会碰到什么事情，你说？这些年来，我一直试图教你的，就是让你永远别问这个问题。”
He opened the door. Turned back to me. “And one more thing. No one finds out about this, you hear me? No one. I don’t want anybody’s sympathy.” Then he disappeared into the dim lobby. He chain-smoked the rest of that day in front of the TV. I didn’t know what or whom he was defying. Me? Dr. Amani? Or maybe the God he had never believed in.
他打开门，转身对着我。“还有，别让人知道这件事情，听到没有？别让人知道。我不需要任何人的怜悯。”然后他消失在昏暗的大厅里。那天剩下的时间里，他坐在电视机前，一根接一根抽烟。我不知道他藐视的是什么，或者是谁。我？阿曼尼大夫？或者也许是他从来都不相信的真主？
FOR A WHILE, even cancer couldn’t keep Baba from the flea market. We made our garage sale treks on Saturdays, Baba the driver and me the navigator, and set up our display on Sundays. Brass lamps. Baseball gloves. Ski jackets with broken zippers. Baba greeted acquaintances from the old country and I haggled with buyers over a dollar or two. Like any of it mattered. Like the day I would become an orphan wasn’t inching closer with each closing of shop.
有那么一阵，即使是癌症也没能阻止爸爸到跳蚤市场去。我们星期六仍搜罗各处车库卖场，爸爸当司机，我指路，并且在星期天摆摊。铜灯。棒球手套。坏了拉链的滑雪夹克。爸爸跟在那个古老的国家就认识的人互致问候，我和顾客为一两块钱讨价还价。仿佛一切如常。仿佛我成为孤儿的日子并没有随着每次收摊渐渐逼近。
Sometimes, General Taheri and his wife strolled by. The general, ever the diplomat, greeted me with a smile and his two-handed shake. But there was a new reticence to Khanum Taheri’s demeanor. A reticence broken only by her secret, droopy smiles and the furtive, apologetic looks she cast my way when the general’s attention was engaged elsewhere.
塔赫里将军和他的太太有时会逛到我们这边来。将军仍是一派外交官风范，脸带微笑跟我打招呼，用双手跟我握手。但是塔赫里太太的举止显得有些冷漠，但她会趁将军不留神，偷偷低头朝我微笑，投来一丝歉意的眼光。
By Halloween of that year, Baba was getting so tired by mid-Saturday afternoon that he’d wait behind the wheel while I got out and bargained for junk. By Thanksgiving, he wore out before noon. When sleighs appeared on front lawns and fake snow on Douglas firs, Baba stayed home and I drove the VW bus alone up and down the peninsula.
等到那年万圣节，星期六的下午刚过一半，爸爸就显得疲累不堪，我下车去收购那些废品时，他留在车上等待。到了感恩节，还没到中午他就吃不消了。待得雪橇在屋前草坪上出现，假雪洒在花旗松的枝桠上，爸爸呆在家里，而我独自开着那辆大众巴士，穿梭在半岛地区。
Sometimes at the flea market, Afghan acquaintances made remarks about Baba’s weight loss. At first, they were complimentary. They even asked the secret to his diet. But the queries and compliments stopped when the weight loss didn’t. When the pounds kept shedding. And shedding. When his cheeks hollowed. And his temples melted. And his eyes receded in their sockets.
在跳蚤市场，阿富汗人偶尔会对爸爸的消瘦议论纷纷。起初，他们阿谀奉承，问及爸爸饮食有何秘方。可是询问和奉承停止了，爸爸的体重却继续下降。磅数不断减少，再减少。他脸颊深陷，太阳穴松塌，眼睛深深凹进眼眶。
Then, one cool Sunday shortly after New Year’s Day, Baba was selling a lampshade to a stocky Filipino man while I rummaged in the VW for a blanket to cover his legs with.
接着，新年之后不久，在一个寒冷的星期天早晨，爸爸在卖灯罩给一个壮硕的菲律宾人，我在大众巴士里面东翻西找，寻找一条毛毯盖住他的腿。
I remember that period as a time of many “firsts”: The first time I heard Baba moan in the bathroom. The first time I found blood on his pillow. In over three years running the gas station, Baba had never called in sick. Another first.
我记得那段岁月出现了很多“第一次”：我第一次听到爸爸在浴室里呻吟。第一次发现他的枕头上有血。执掌加油站三年以来，爸爸从未请过病假。又是一个第一次。
“Hey, man, this guy needs help!” the Filipino man said with alarm. I turned around and found Baba on the ground. His arms and legs were jerking.
“喂，小子，这个家伙需要帮忙！”菲律宾人焦急地喊道。我转过身，发现爸爸倒在地上，四肢抽搐。
“Komak!” I cried. “Somebody help!” I ran to Baba. He was frothing at the mouth, the foamy spittle soaking his beard. His upturned eyes showed nothing but white.
“救命！”我大喊，“来人啊！”我奔向爸爸。他口吐白沫，流出的泡泡浸湿了胡子。他眼珠上翻，只见一片白。
THE DOCTOR, white-bearded and perfectly bald, pulled me out of the room. “I want to go over your father’s CAT scans with you,” he said. He put the films up on a viewing box in the hallway and pointed with the eraser end of his pencil to the pictures of Baba’s cancer, like a cop showing mug shots of the killer to the victim’s family. Baba’s brain on those pictures looked like cross sections of a big walnut, riddled with tennis ball-shaped gray things.
那个白胡子的大夫头顶油光可鉴，把我拉出病房。“我想跟你一起看看你爸爸的CAT扫描。”他说。他把菲林放在走廊的灯箱上，用铅笔带橡皮擦的那头指着爸爸的癌症所在的图片，好像警察将凶手的大头像展示给罹难者的家属看。在那些照片上，爸爸的大脑看起来像个胡桃的切面，点缀着几个网球状的灰色阴影。
Baba’s spittle turned red. He was biting his tongue. I kneeled beside him and grabbed his arms and said I’m here Baba, I’m here, you’ll be all right, I’m right here. As if I could soothe the convulsions out of him. Talk them into leaving my Baba alone. I felt a wetness on my knees. Saw Baba’s bladder had let go. Shhh, Baba jan, I’m here. Your son is right here.
爸爸的泡沫变红了，他在咬自己的舌头。我跪在他身旁，抓住他的手臂，说我在这里爸爸，我在这里，你会好的，我就在这里。好像如此这般，我就能减缓他的病痛，让它们不再烦我爸爸。我感到膝盖一片潮湿。爸爸小便失禁了。嘘，亲爱的爸爸，我在这里。你的儿子就在这里。
People were rushing to us. I heard someone say seizure. Some one else yelling, “Call 911!” I heard running footsteps. The sky darkened as a crowd gathered around us.
大家都朝我们涌过来。我听见有人说发作了，另外有人说“快打911！”，我听见一阵跑步声。人群围过来，天空变得阴暗。
I spent the night sitting on a chair next to Baba’s bed.
那天晚上，我彻夜坐在爸爸床边的椅子上。
“As you can see, the cancer’s metastasized,” he said. “He’ll have to take steroids to reduce the swelling in his brain and antiseizure medications. And I’d recommend palliative radiation. Do you know what that means?”
“正如你看到的，癌症转移了。”他说，“他必须服用类固醇，以便缩减他大脑里的肿块，还得吃抗中风的药物。我建议做放射线治疗，你明白的我意思吗？”
I said I did. I’d become conversant in cancer talk.
我说我明白。我已经熟悉癌症的相关术语了。
“All right, then,” he said. He checked his beeper. “I have to go, but you can have me paged if you have any questions.”
“那就好，”他说，看看他的寻呼机，“我得走了，不过如果你有任何问题，可以给我打传呼。”
“Thank you.”
“谢谢你。”
THE NEXT MORNING, the waiting room down the hall was jammed with Afghans. The butcher from Newark. An engineer who’d worked with Baba on his orphanage. They filed in and paid Baba their respects in hushed tones. Wished him a swift recovery. Baba was awake then, groggy and tired, but awake.
翌日早晨，走廊那端的候诊室挤满了阿富汗人，有纽瓦克来的屠夫，爸爸建造恤孤院时的工程师。他们纷纷走进来，语调沉痛地向爸爸表达他们的敬意，祝福他尽早康复。那时爸爸已经醒了，他虚弱而疲倦，但清醒。
Midmorning, General Taheri and his wife came. Soraya followed. We glanced at each other, looked away at the same time. “How are you, my friend?” General Taheri said, taking Baba’s hand.
早晨过了一半，塔赫里将军和他太太也来了。索拉雅跟在后面，我们对望了一眼，同时将眼光移开。“你好吗，老朋友。”塔赫里将军说，捂着爸爸的手。
Baba motioned to the IV hanging from his arm. Smiled thinly. The general smiled back.
爸爸示意他看着臂上的输液管，露出孱弱的微笑。将军回以微笑。
I wept in the hallway, by the viewing box where, the night before, I’d seen the killer’s face.
我站在走廊的灯箱边上哭泣，就在那儿，前一天晚上，我看到了凶手的真面目。
“It’s no burden,” Khanum Taheri said.
“这不麻烦。”塔赫里太太说。
“You shouldn’t have burdened yourselves. All of you,” Baba croaked.
“你们不应如此麻烦的，你们大家。”爸爸呻吟着说。
Baba shook his head on the pillow. “Your coming here has brightened my eyes.” The general smiled and squeezed Baba’s hand. “How are you, Amir jan? Do you need anything?”
爸爸在枕上摇摇头：“你能到这里来已经叫我很高兴了。”将军脸现微笑，捏捏爸爸的手。“你怎么样？亲爱的阿米尔？你需要什么东西吗？”
The way he was looking at me, the kindness in his eyes… “Nay thank you, General Sahib. I’m…” A lump shot up in my throat and my eyes teared over. I bolted out of the room.
他竟然那样看着我，眼中充满慈爱…“不，谢谢，将军大人。我…”我喉咙一哽，泪水止不住掉下来，冲出病房。
I remembered something Baba had said about Pashtuns once. We may be hardheaded and I know we’re far too proud, but, in the hour of need, believe me that there’s no one you’d rather have at your side than a Pashtun.
我记得有一次爸爸跟我说起普什图人的事情。我们也许头脑顽固，我知道我们太过骄傲，可是，在危难的时刻，相信我，你会宁愿在身边的是普什图人。
“No burden at all. More importantly, do you need anything?” General Taheri said. “Anything at all? Ask me like you’d ask a brother.”
“一点都不麻烦。更重要的是，你需要什么吗？”塔赫里将军说，“什么都行，请把我当成你的兄弟。”
Baba’s door opened and Soraya walked out of his room. She stood near me. She was wearing a gray sweatshirt and jeans. Her hair was down. I wanted to find comfort in her arms.
爸爸的门开了，索拉雅从他的病房走出来。她站在我身边，穿着灰色的长衫和牛仔裤。她的头发倾泻而下。我想在她怀里寻求安慰。
THEY DISCHARGED BABA two days later. They brought in a specialist called a radiation oncologist to talk Baba into getting radiation treatment. Baba refused. They tried to talk me into talking him into it. But I’d seen the look on Baba’s face. I thanked them, signed their forms, and took Baba home in my Ford Torino.
隔了两天，他们让爸爸出院。他们请来一位放射线肿瘤学专家，游说爸爸接受放射线治疗。爸爸拒绝了。他们试图让我也加入到游说的行列中去。但我见到爸爸脸上的表情，对他们表达谢意，在他们的表格上签名，用那辆福特都灵将爸爸带回家。
“Do you need anything?”
“你需要什么吗？”
I blotted my eyes with my sleeve. “He didn’t want anyone to know.”
我用衣袖擦擦眼睛，“他不想让任何人知道。”
“I’m so sorry, Amir,” she said. “We all knew something was wrong, but we had no idea it was this.”
“我很抱歉，阿米尔。”她说，“我们大家都知道事情很糟糕，但却拿不出什么主意。”
She smiled and nodded. “I should.” She turned to go. “Soraya?”
她笑着点点头，“那我回去。”她转身离开。“索拉雅？”
“Yes?”
“怎么啦？”
“I’m happy you came, It means… the world to me.”
“我很高兴你来了。这对我…意味着一切。”
“No.” I tried to smile. She put her hand on mine. Our first touch. I took it. Brought it to my face. My eyes. I let it go. “You’d better go back inside. Or your father will come after me.”
“不。”我挤出微笑。她把手放在我的手上。这是我们第一次碰触。我捧起她的手，拉到我的脸上，眼睛上，然后任她抽走。“你最好还是回到里面去，不然你爸爸会出来找的。”
That night, Baba was lying on the couch, a wool blanket covering him. I brought him hot tea and roasted almonds. Wrapped my arms around his back and pulled him up much too easily. His shoulder blade felt like a bird’s wing under my fingers. I pulled the blanket back up to his chest where ribs stretched his thin, sallow skin.
那晚爸爸躺在沙发上，身上盖着一条羊毛毯。我给他端来热红茶和烤杏仁，把手伸在他背后，轻而易举地将他扶上来。他的肩侧在我手中感觉就像鸟儿的翅膀。我把毛毯拉到他的胸膛上，那儿瘦骨嶙峋，肤色很差。
I smiled. “Okay.” I gave him the phone and the little black notebook where Baba had scribbled his Afghan friends’ numbers. He looked up the Taheris. Dialed. Brought the receiver to his ear. My heart was doing pirouettes in my chest.
我微笑：“好的。”我把电话给他，还有爸爸用来记录他那些阿富汗朋友的电话号码的本子。他找到塔赫里的号码。拨号。把听筒提到耳边。我的心脏在胸口怦怦跳。
“Can I do anything else for you, Baba?”
“需要我为你做些什么吗，爸爸？”
“More sure than I’ve ever been about anything.”
“我从来没有这么清楚过。”
“Then give me the phone. And my little notebook.”
“那把电话给我，还有我那本小笔记本。”
His eyes flicked to me. I wanted to laugh for some reason. Or scream. I brought the ball of my hand to my mouth and bit on it. Baba laughed softly through his nose.
他的眼光射向我。不知何故我直想发笑，或者尖叫。我的手握成拳头，塞在嘴里，咬着它。爸爸轻轻哼笑。
“Nay, bachem. Thank you.”
“不用，我的孩子，谢谢你。”
Baba’s dry lips stretched into a smile. A spot of green on a wilted leaf. “Are you sure?”
爸爸的干嘴唇绽放出微笑，宛如枯萎的树叶上的一点绿色。“你想好了吗？”
“I want you to go khastegari. I want you to ask General Taheri for his daughter’s hand.”
“我想你帮我提亲，我想你到塔赫里将军家里去，向他提亲。”
“Balay, Baba.”
“当然，爸爸。”
I blinked. “Now?”
我眨眨眼：“现在？”
“What?”
“什么事？”
I sat beside him. “Then I wonder if you’ll do something for me. If you’re not too exhausted.”
我坐在他身旁：“我想你能不能替我办点事情，如果你身体还撑得过去的话。”
“Then when?”
“不然还等什么时候？”
“Jamila jan? Salaam alaykum,” he said. He introduced himself. Paused. “Much better, thank you. It was so gracious of you to come.” He listened for a while. Nodded. “I’ll remember that, thank you. Is General Sahib home?” Pause. “Thank you.”
“亲爱的雅米拉？晚上好。”他说，他表明身份。停下。“好多了，谢谢你。你去看望我，真是太谢谢了。”他听了一会儿，点点头，“我会记住的，谢谢。将军大人在家吗？”停下。“谢谢。”
“You’ve thought it over?”
“你仔细考虑了吗？”
“General Sahib, Salaam alaykum… Yes, much much better… Balay… You’re so kind. General Sahib, I’m calling to ask if I may pay you and Khanum Taheri a visit tomorrow morning. It’s an honorable matter… Yes… Eleven o’clock is just fine. Until then. Khoda h? fez.”
“将军大人，晚上好…是的，好多了好多了…好的…你太好了。将军大人，我打电话来，是想问，明天早上我可不可以去拜访你和塔赫里太太，有件很荣誉的事情…是的…十一点刚刚好。到时见。再见。”
He hung up. We looked at each other. I burst into giggles. Baba joined in.
他挂上电话。我们看着对方。我突然笑起来，爸爸也跟着加入。
The Taheris lived in a flat, one-story house in one of the residential areas in Fremont known for housing a large number of Afghans. It had bay windows, a pitched roof, and an enclosed front porch on which I saw potted geraniums. The general’s gray van was parked in the driveway.
塔赫里一家住在一座单层的平房里面，那一带是弗里蒙特知名的阿富汗人聚居地。那房子有凸窗，斜屋顶，还有个围起的门廊，我看见上面有几株天竺葵。
BABA WET HIS HAIR and combed it back. I helped him into a clean white shirt and knotted his tie for him, noting the two inches of empty space between the collar button and Baba’s neck. I thought of all the empty spaces Baba would leave behind when he was gone, and I made myself think of something else. He wasn’t gone. Not yet. And this was a day for good thoughts. The jacket of his brown suit, the one he’d worn to my graduation, hung over him — too much of Baba had melted away to fill it anymore. I had to roll up the sleeves. I stooped and tied his shoelaces for him.
爸爸弄湿头发，将其朝后梳。我帮他穿上干净的白衬衫，替他打好领带，发现领口的纽扣和爸爸的脖子之间多出了两英寸的空间。我在想当爸爸逝去，该留下多大的虚空。我强迫自己想别的。他没逝去，还没有，今天应该想些美好的事情。他那套棕色西装的上衣，我毕业那天他穿着那件，松松垮垮挂在他身上——爸爸消瘦得太厉害了，再也不合身了。我只好把袖子卷起来。我弯腰替他绑好鞋带。
I helped Baba out of the Ford and slipped back behind the wheel. He leaned in the passenger window. “Be home, I’ll call you in an hour.”
我扶爸爸下福特车，再溜回车里。他倚着副驾驶座的车窗：“回家去吧，过一个小时我打电话给你。”
The phone rang just before noon. It was Baba.
快到中午的时候电话响起。是爸爸。
“I know,” I said. I switched hands. I was smiling. “I’m so happy I don’t know what to say.”
“我知道。”我说，换手握住听筒。我在微笑。“我太高兴了，不知道说什么。”
“Amir?” Soraya’s voice. “Salaam.”
“阿米尔？”索拉雅的声音。“你好。”
“Well?”
“怎么样？”
“The general accepted.”
“将军同意了。”
I let out a burst of air. Sat down. My hands were shaking. “He did?”
我松了一口气。坐下，双手颤抖。“他同意了？”
“Yes, but Soraya jan is upstairs in her room. She wants to talk to you first.”
“是的。不过亲爱的索拉雅在阁楼她的房间里面，她想先跟你谈谈。”
“Okay, Baba,” I said. “Good luck.”
“好的，爸爸。”我说，“好运。”
“My father said yes.”
“我爸爸同意了。”
I drove away. In the rearview mirror, Baba was hobbling up the Taheris’ driveway for one last fatherly duty.
我驱车离开。透过观后镜，爸爸正走上塔赫里家的车道，尽最后一次为人父的责任。
I PACED THE LIVING ROOM of our apartment waiting for Baba’s call. Fifteen paces long. Ten and a half paces wide. What if the general said no? What if he hated me? I kept going to the kitchen, checking the oven clock.
我在我们住所的客厅走来走去，等待爸爸的电话。客厅长15步，宽10步半。如果将军拒绝怎么办？要是他讨厌我那又如何？我不停走进厨房，查看烤炉上的时钟。
“Okay.”
“好的。”
Baba said something to someone and there was a double click as he hung up.
爸爸对某个人说了几句话，接着传来两下按键声，他挂了电话。
He smiled.
他微笑。
“I’m happy too, Amir. I… can’t believe this is happening.”
“我也很高兴，阿米尔。我…我无法相信这是真的。”
“Listen,” she said, “I want to tell you something. Something you have to know before…”
“听着，”她说，“我想告诉你一些事情。一些你必须事先知道的事情…”
“I don’t care what it is.”
“我不在乎那是什么。”
I laughed. “I know.”
我大笑：“我知道。”
“Padar eventually found us. He showed up at the door and… made me come home. I was hysterical. Yelling. Screaming. Saying I hated him…”
“最后爸爸找到我们。他站在门口…要我回家。我歇斯底里，哭喊，尖叫，说我恨他…”
“You need to know. I don’t want us to start with secrets. And I’d rather you hear it from me.”
“你必须知道。我不想我们一开始就有秘密，而且我宁愿亲口告诉你。”
There was a long pause at the other end. “When we lived in Virginia, I ran away with an Afghan man. I was eighteen at the time… rebellious… stupid, and… he was into drugs… We lived together for almost a month. All the Afghans in Virginia were talking about it.”
电话那端沉默了好久。“我们在弗吉尼亚生活的时候，我跟一个阿富汗人私奔了。那时我十八岁…很叛逆…愚蠢…他吸毒…我们同居了将近一个月。弗吉尼亚所有的阿富汗人议论纷纷。”
“If it will make you feel better, tell me. But it won’t change anything.”
“如果那会让你觉得好一些，你就告诉我吧。但是它不会改变任何事情。”
“Padar moved us to California shortly after.” A silence followed.
“过后不久，爸爸就举家搬到加利福尼亚来了。”跟着一阵沉默。
“Anyway, I came home and –” She was crying. “Excuse me.” I heard her put the phone down. Blow her nose. “Sorry,” she came back on, sounding hoarse. “When I came home, I saw my mother had had a stroke, the right side of her face was paralyzed and… I felt so guilty. She didn’t deserve that.”
“不管怎样，我回家了，并且…”她在哭，“对不起。”我听见她放低话筒，擦着鼻子。“对不起，”她又开始了，声音有点嘶哑，“我回到家里，发现妈妈中风了，她右半边脸麻痹…我觉得很内疚。她本来不会这样的。”
“Does it bother you enough to change your mind?”
“你很为难，要改变主意吗？”
“We’ve always had our differences, we still do, but I’m grateful he came for me that day. I really believe he saved me.” She paused. “So, does what I told you bother you?”
“我们一直有分歧，现在还有，但我很感激他那天去找我。我真的相信他救了我。”她停顿，“那么，我所说的让你为难吗？”
“No, Soraya. Not even close,” I said. “Nothing you said changes anything. I want us to marry.”
“不，索拉雅。没那么严重。”我说，“你无论说什么，都不会改变任何事情。我想娶你。”
“A little,” I said. I owed her the truth on this one. I couldn’t lie to her and say that my pride, my iftikhar, wasn’t stung at all that she had been with a man, whereas I had never taken a woman to bed. It did bother me a bit, but I had pondered this quite a lot in the weeks before I asked Baba to go khastegari. And in the end the question that always came back to me was this: How could I, of all people, chastise someone for their past?
“有一点。”我说。这次我对她说了真话。我不能欺骗她，在听到她跟男人上床之后，说我的尊严毫发无伤是假的，毕竟我从来没把女人带上床。这让我非常为难，但在让爸爸替我求婚之前，我已经想了好几个星期。而每次到最后，总是回到同一个问题：我凭什么去指责别人的过去？
She broke into fresh tears.
她又哭起来。
“How are you and your father now?” I said.
“你和你爸爸现在怎么样？”我说。
I envied her. Her secret was out. Spoken. Dealt with. I opened my mouth and almost told her how I’d betrayed Hassan, lied, driven him out, and destroyed a forty-year relationship between Baba and Ali. But I didn’t. I suspected there were many ways in which Soraya Taheri was a better person than me. Courage was just one of them.
我妒忌她。她的秘密公开了，说出来了，得到解决了。我张开嘴巴，差点告诉她，我如何背叛了哈桑，对他说谎，把他赶出家门，还毁坏了爸爸和阿里四十年的情谊。但我没有。我怀疑，在很多方面，索拉雅·塔赫里都比我好得多。勇气只是其中之一。
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