“I do,” I said.
“是的。”我说。
The program ended and I returned to BYU. Campus looked the way it always had, and it would have been easy to forget Cambridge and settle back into the life I’d had there. But Professor Steinberg was determined that I not forget. He sent me an application for something called the Gates Cambridge Scholarship, which, he explained, was a little like the Rhodes Scholarship, but for Cambridge instead of Oxford. It would provide full funding for me to study at Cambridge, including tuition, room and board. As far as I was concerned it was comically out of reach for someone like me, but he insisted that it was not, so I applied.
项目结束后，我回到杨百翰大学。校园看起来还是老样子，忘记剑桥，重新回到我在那里的生活本来不难。但斯坦伯格教授决心不让我忘记。他给我寄了一份申请，项目名称为“盖茨剑桥奖学金”[20]，他解释说，这个奖学金有点像“罗德奖学金”[21]，但申请的不是牛津大学，而是剑桥大学。它将为我在剑桥学习提供全额资金，包括学费和食宿费。在我看来这是滑稽之谈，像我这样的人根本不够资格，但他坚持认为不是这样，所以我申请了。【注：[20]Gates Cambridge Scholarship，剑桥大学最著名的针对留学生的奖学金，要求学生学术成绩优异，富有领导力和社会责任感，遴选标准非常之高。[21]Rhodes Scholarship，世界上竞争最激烈的奖学金之一，由英国政治家、商人塞西尔·罗德于1902年创设，旨在资助“卓越、勇敢、仁爱以及拥有领袖气质”的世界青年精英赴牛津大学深造。】
“Do you think people should study church history?” he asked.
“你觉得人们应该学习教会历史吗？”他问。
Not long after, I noticed another difference, another small shift. I was spending an evening with my friend Mark, who studied ancient languages. Like me, and almost everyone at BYU, Mark was Mormon.
没过多久，我注意到另一个不同，另一个小小的转变。那天晚上，我和朋友马克在一起，他是学古代语言的。和我以及杨百翰大学几乎每个人一样，马克也是摩门教徒。
“What if it makes them unhappy?”
“如果这让他们不开心怎么办？”
I thought I knew what he meant, but I waited for him to explain.
我想我明白他的意思，但我等着他解释。
“Many women struggle with their faith after they learn about polygamy,” he said. “My mother did. I don’t think she’s ever understood it.”
“很多女性在了解了一夫多妻制之后，就与自己的信仰作斗争，”他说，“我母亲就是这样。我认为她永远都不会理解这一点。”
There was a tense silence. He was waiting for me to say my line: that I was praying for faith. And I had prayed for it, many, many times.
一阵紧张的沉默。他在等着我说出我的台词：我在为信仰祈祷。的确，我已经为此祈祷过许多许多次了。
“I’ve never understood it, either,” I said.
“我也从来没有理解过。”我说。
Perhaps both of us were thinking of our history, or perhaps only I was. I thought of Joseph Smith, who’d had as many as forty wives. Brigham Young had had fifty-five wives and fifty-six children. The church had ended the temporal practice of polygamy in 1890, but it had never recanted the doctrine. As a child I’d been taught — by my father but also in Sunday school — that in the fullness of time God would restore polygamy, and in the afterlife, I would be a plural wife. The number of my sister wives would depend on my husband’s righteousness: the more nobly he lived, the more wives he would be given.
也许我们俩都在思考我们的历史，也许只是我一个人在思考。我想起了约瑟夫·史密斯，他有四十多个妻子。杨百翰有五十五个妻子和五十六个孩子。教会在一八九〇年结束了一夫多妻制，但从未放弃这一教义。从小父亲就教导我——主日学校也教导过——时机成熟时上帝会恢复一夫多妻制；来世我将成为某个男人的若干妻子之一。我丈夫有几个妻子，将取决于他的义：他活得越尊贵，所娶的妻就越多。
I had never made my peace with it. As a girl I had often imagined myself in heaven, dressed in a white gown, standing in a pearly mist across from my husband. But when the camera zoomed out there were ten women standing behind us, wearing the same white dress. In my fantasy I was the first wife but I knew there was no guarantee of that; I might be hidden anywhere in the long chain of wives. For as long as I could remember, this image had been at the core of my idea of paradise: my husband, and his wives. There was a sting in this arithmetic: in knowing that in the divine calculus of heaven, one man could balance the equation for countless women.
我从未平心静气地接受这一点。作为一个女孩，我时常想象自己置身天堂，一袭白色长裙，站在一片白雾中，对面是我的丈夫。但是当镜头拉近，我们身后还站着十个女人，穿着同样的白色衣裙。在我的幻想中，我是第一任妻子，但我知道这一点根本无从保证；我可能是长长的妻子链中最不起眼的一个。从我记事起，这个画面就一直居于我对天堂想象的核心：我丈夫和他的妻子们。在这道算术题中，存在一种刺痛：在神圣的天国演算中，一个男人可以为无数的女人平衡等式。
“It was her voice that brought our family to the church,” Mother said. “She heard Mormon missionaries preaching in the streets of Norway. She prayed, and God blessed her with faith, with the knowledge that Joseph Smith was His prophet. She told her father, but he’d heard stories about the Mormons and wouldn’t allow her to be baptized. So she sang for him. She sang him a Mormon hymn called ‘O My Father.’ When she finished singing, her father had tears in his eyes. He said that any religion with music so beautiful must be the work of God. They were baptized together.”
“正是她的声音把我们一家带进了教堂，”母亲说，“她听到摩门教传教士在挪威的街头布道。她祈祷，于是上帝用信仰赐福她，让她知道约瑟夫·史密斯是上帝的先知。她把这告诉了她的父亲，但他听过摩门教的一些故事，不允许她受洗。于是她为他唱歌。她给他唱了一首摩门教赞美诗，名叫‘哦，我的父亲’。她唱完后，她的父亲热泪盈眶。他说，任何拥有如此美妙音乐的宗教必定是上帝的杰作。于是他们一起受洗。”
I remembered my great-great-grandmother. I had first heard her name when I was twelve, which is the year that, in Mormonism, you cease to be a child and become a woman. Twelve was the age when lessons in Sunday school began to include words like purity and chastity. It was also the age that I was asked, as part of a church assignment, to learn about one of my ancestors. I asked Mother which ancestor I should choose, and without thinking she said, “Anna Mathea.” I said the name aloud. It floated off my tongue like the beginning of a fairy tale. Mother said I should honor Anna Mathea because she had given me a gift: her voice.
我想起我的外高祖母。第一次听到她的名字是在我十二岁时。在摩门教中，十二岁意味着你不再是一个孩子，而是变成了一个女人。十二岁时，主日学校的课程也开始包括“纯洁”和“贞节”之类的词汇。也是在这个年龄，作为教会任务的一部分，我被要求去了解我的一位祖先。我问母亲该选择哪一位祖先，她不假思索地说：“安娜·玛西亚。”我大声说出这个名字，它就像童话故事开头一样从我的舌尖飘过。母亲说我应该铭记安娜·玛西亚，因为她留给我一份礼物：她的声音。
After Anna Mathea converted her parents, the family felt called by God to come to America and meet the prophet Joseph. They saved for the journey, but after two years they could bring only half the family. Anna Mathea was left behind.
安娜·玛西亚使她的父母皈依后，一家人感受到上帝的召唤，来到美国，去见先知约瑟夫。他们为这次旅行攒了两年的钱，但最后只够带一半家人出发。安娜·玛西亚留了下来。
The journey was long and harsh, and by the time they made it to Idaho, to a Mormon settlement called Worm Creek, Anna’s mother was sick, dying. It was her last wish to see her daughter again, so her father wrote to Anna, begging her to take what money she had and come to America. Anna had fallen in love and was to be married, but she left her fiancé in Norway and crossed the ocean. Her mother died before she reached the American shore.
旅途漫长而艰辛，他们抵达爱达荷州一处叫虫溪的摩门教徒定居点时，安娜的母亲病了，奄奄一息。她希望临死之前见女儿最后一面。于是安娜的父亲写信给安娜，恳求她带着所有积蓄来美国。安娜已经坠入爱河，即将结婚，但她还是把未婚夫留在挪威，漂洋过海。不等她抵达美国，她母亲就去世了。
The family was now destitute; there was no money to send Anna to her fiancé, to the marriage she had given up. Anna was a financial burden on her father, so a bishop persuaded her to marry a rich farmer as his second wife. His first wife was barren, and she flew into a jealous rage when Anna became pregnant. Anna worried the first wife might hurt her baby, so she returned to her father, where she gave birth to twins, though only one would survive the harsh winter on the frontier.
此时这家人一贫如洗，没有钱再把安娜送回未婚夫身边，她也就无法履行婚约。安娜成了父亲的经济负担，于是一位主教说服她嫁给一个富农，做他的第二个妻子。他的第一个妻子不能生育，安娜怀孕后，她醋意大发。安娜担心第一个妻子会伤害她的孩子，于是回到她父亲身边，在那里生了一对双胞胎。可是边境冬季严寒，只有一个婴儿活了下来。
I thought again of Anna Mathea, wondering what kind of world it was in which she, following a prophet, could leave her lover, cross an ocean, enter a loveless marriage as a second mistress, then bury her first child, only to have her granddaughter, in two generations, cross the same ocean an unbeliever. I was Anna Mathea’s heir: she had given me her voice. Had she not given me her faith, also?
我又想起安娜·玛西亚，想知道她生活的是怎样一个世界：追随先知，离开恋人，漂洋过海，嫁给一个不爱的男人做二房，之后埋葬了一个孩子，结果她的玄外孙女，却越过同一片海洋，成了一个无信仰之人。我是安娜·玛西亚的后代，我美妙的嗓音是她给的。难道她没将她的信念一起给我吗？
I agreed. I said the words, then braced myself for a wave of humiliation — for that image to invade my thoughts, of me, one of many wives standing behind a solitary, faceless man — but it didn’t come. I searched my mind and discovered a new conviction there: I would never be a plural wife. A voice declared this with unyielding finality; the declaration made me tremble. What if God commanded it? I asked. You wouldn’t do it, the voice answered. And I knew it was true.
我表示同意。我说了这些话，然后做好准备迎接一波耻辱——头脑中涌现那个形象：我作为众多妻子中的一员，站在一个孤独、没有面孔的男人身后——但这形象没有出现。我在脑海中搜索，发现了一个新的信念：我永远不会成为众多妻子中的一员。一个毫不让步的声音宣称了这个决定，这个决定使我浑身发抖。如果这是上帝的命令呢？我问。你不会这么做的，那个声音回答道。我知道它说的是真的。
Mark was still waiting. Then he gave up and mumbled the words I was supposed to say, that he didn’t understand fully, but that he knew polygamy was a principle from God.
马克还在等我回答。最后他放弃了，咕哝着说了我该说的话，说他也不能完全理解，但他知道一夫多妻是上帝的原则。
Two weeks before the interview my parents came to BYU. They had never visited me before, but they were passing through on their way to Arizona and stopped for dinner. I took them to the Indian restaurant across the street from my apartment.
面试前两周，我父母来到杨百翰大学。之前他们从没来看过我，这次是他们去亚利桑那州中途路过，停下来吃晚饭。我带他们去了公寓对面的印度餐馆。
We waited for the food, and Dad asked about my classes. I said I was studying French. “That’s a socialist language,” he said, then he lectured for twenty minutes on twentieth-century history. He said Jewish bankers in Europe had signed secret agreements to start World War II, and that they had colluded with Jews in America to pay for it. They had engineered the Holocaust, he said, because they would benefit financially from worldwide disorder. They had sent their own people to the gas chambers for money.
等候上菜的间隙，父亲问起我的学业。我说我在学习法语。“你竟然学这种语言。”他说，接着讲了二十分钟的二十世纪历史。他说，欧洲的犹太银行家签署秘密协议，发动了第二次世界大战，他们还为了获得经济支持与美国的犹太人串通一气。他说，是他们策划了大屠杀，因为全世界的动荡不安将使他们获得经济利益。为了钱，他们还把自己人送进了毒气室。
I was put on a short list for the Gates scholarship. There would be an interview in February in Annapolis. I had no idea how to prepare. Robin drove me to Park City, where there was an Ann Taylor discount outlet, and helped me buy a navy pantsuit and matching loafers. I didn’t own a handbag so Robin lent me hers.
我进入盖茨奖学金最终候选名单。二月份在安纳波利斯有一场面试，我不知道该如何准备。罗宾开车载我去公园城一家安·泰勒折扣店，帮我买了一套深蓝色套装和一双配套的休闲皮鞋。我没有手提包，于是罗宾把她的借给了我。
The waitress stared a moment too long at my father’s face, then her eyes bulged when they dropped to his hands. Dad ordered half the menu. I told him three mains would be enough, but he winked and said money was not a problem. It seemed the news of my father’s miraculous healing was spreading, earning them more and more customers. Mother’s products were being sold by nearly every midwife and natural healer in the Mountain West.
女服务员盯着父亲的脸看了很长时间，待她把视线移到他手上，顿时惊得两眼鼓了起来。爸爸点了菜单上一半的菜。我告诉他三个主菜就够了，但他眨了眨眼，说钱不是问题。似乎父亲奇迹般康复的消息正在传播开来，为他们赢得了越来越多的顾客。西部山区几乎所有的助产士和自然治疗师都来购买母亲的产品。
Dad was talking loudly, at a volume that would have suited a mountainside but was thunderous in the small restaurant. People at nearby tables had halted their own conversations and were sitting in silence, listening to ours. I regretted having chosen a restaurant so near my apartment.
父亲嗓门很大，如此高的音量在山腰上很合适，在小餐馆里却震耳欲聋。邻桌的人都停止了交谈，静静地坐着，听着我们的谈话。我真后悔选择了一家离我公寓这么近的餐厅。
These ideas were familiar to me, but it took me a moment to remember where I’d heard them: in a lecture Dr. Kerry had given on The Protocols of the Elders of Zion. The Protocols, published in 1903, purported to be a record of a secret meeting of powerful Jews planning world domination. The document was discredited as a fabrication but still it spread, fueling anti-Semitism in the decades before World War II. Adolf Hitler had written about the Protocols in Mein Kampf, claiming they were authentic, that they revealed the true nature of the Jewish people.
这些观点听上去很耳熟，片刻之后我才想起是从哪里听到的：在克里博士关于《锡安长老会纪要》的讲座上。该纪要于一九〇三年发表，内容是一群有权势的犹太人阴谋夺取世界政权、控制全人类的秘密会议记录。虽然这份文件被证明是伪造的，但仍然广泛传播，在第二次世界大战前几十年助长了反犹太主义。阿道夫·希特勒曾在自传《我的奋斗》中提到过《锡安长老会纪要》，声称那些记录真实可信，揭露了犹太人的本性。
Dad moved on from World War II to the United Nations, the European Union, and the imminent destruction of the world. He spoke as if the three were synonyms. The curry arrived and I focused my attention on it. Mother had grown tired of the lecture, and asked Dad to talk about something else.
爸爸的话题从第二次世界大战转移到了联合国、欧盟和即将到来的世界大毁灭。他说话的口气仿佛这三个词是同义词。咖喱上来了，我把注意力集中在吃饭上。母亲听腻了这种长篇大论，让爸爸说点儿别的。
“Of course it is,” Mother said. “But let’s not discuss it over dinner.”
“当然了，”母亲说，“但咱们还是不要在吃晚饭时讨论这个吧。”
Dad looked at me, waiting for me to give an opinion, but I felt alienated from myself. I didn’t know who to be. On the mountain I slipped thoughtlessly into the voice of their daughter and acolyte. But here, I couldn’t seem to find the voice that, in the shadow of Buck’s Peak, came easily.
爸爸看着我，等着我发表意见，但我觉得自己格格不入。我不知道该做谁。在山上，我不假思索地采用他们的女儿和追随者的声音。但在这里，我似乎找不到那个在巴克峰的影子下轻易就能找到的声音。
I put down my fork and stared at them. Of all the strange statements from the past half hour, for some reason this was the one that shocked me. The mere fact of them had never shocked me before. Everything they did had always made sense to me, adhering to a logic I understood. Perhaps it was the backdrop: Buck’s Peak was theirs and it camouflaged them, so that when I saw them there, surrounded by the loud, sharp relics of my childhood, the setting seemed to absorb them. At least it absorbed the noise. But here, so near the university, they seemed so unreal as to be almost mythic.
我放下叉子，盯着他们看。不知为何，过去半小时里所有的奇谈怪论，都不如这句话让我震惊。他们很少有能让我感到震惊的地方。遵循我的理解逻辑，他们所做的每一件事都说得通。也许是因为背景：他们属于巴克峰，山峰掩饰了他们，所以当我看到他们在那里，周围环绕着我童年时代的聒噪和尖锐的遗物，他们被环境所吸纳。但在这里，离大学如此之近，他们显得如此不真实，几乎像神话一样。
We walked to my apartment and I showed them my room. Mother shut the door, revealing a poster of Martin Luther King Jr. that I’d put up four years before, when I’d learned of the civil rights movement.
我们走回公寓，我带他们参观我的房间。母亲关上房门，门后露出马丁·路德·金的海报，那是我四年前得知民权运动时贴上去的。
“But the world is about to end!” he said. He was shouting now.
“但是世界就要完蛋了！”他说。现在他在大喊。
“Is that Martin Luther King?” Dad said. “Don’t you know he had ties to communism?” He chewed the waxy tissue where his lips had been.
“那是马丁·路德·金吗？难道你不知道他和共产主义者有联系吗？”爸爸咬着嘴唇上的蜡状组织问我。
They departed soon after to drive through the night. I watched them go, then took out my journal. It’s astonishing that I used to believe all this without the slightest suspicion, I wrote. The whole world was wrong; only Dad was right.
他们很快就走了，在夜晚开车离开。目送他们走后，我拿出了日记本。过去我总是轻信一切，毫不怀疑，真是令人惊讶。我写道，全世界都是错的；只有爸爸是对的。
I thought of something Tyler’s wife, Stefanie, had told me over the phone a few days before. She said it had taken her years to convince Tyler to let her immunize their children, because some part of him still believed vaccines are a conspiracy by the Medical Establishment. Remembering that now, with Dad’s voice still ringing in my ears, I sneered at my brother. He’s a scientist! I wrote. How can he not see beyond their paranoia! I reread what I had written, and as I did so my scorn gave way to a sense of irony. Then again, I wrote. Perhaps I could mock Tyler with more credibility if I had not remembered, as I did just now, that to this day I have never been immunized.
我想起泰勒的妻子斯蒂芬妮几天前在电话里跟我说过的话。她说她花了几年时间才说服泰勒允许她给孩子们注射疫苗，因为他仍然相信疫苗是医疗机构的阴谋。如今回想起来，父亲的声音犹在耳畔，当时我却嘲笑哥哥的行为。他还是一个科学家呢！我写道，他怎么看不穿他们的偏执呢！重读自己写下的文字，我对哥哥的轻蔑变成了一种讽刺。话又说回来，我写道，要不是刚刚想起来，直到今天我自己还从未注射过疫苗，也许我嘲笑起泰勒来会更有底气。
I received confirmation the next day: I’d won the scholarship.
第二天我就收到了确认函：我获得了奖学金。
My interview for the Gates scholarship took place at St. John’s College in Annapolis. The campus was intimidating, with its immaculate lawns and crisp colonial architecture. I sat nervously in the corridor, waiting to be called in for my interview; I felt stiff in the pantsuit and clung awkwardly to Robin’s handbag. But in the end, Professor Steinberg had written such a powerful letter of recommendation that there was little left for me to do.
盖茨奖学金的面试是在安纳波利斯的圣约翰学院进行的。校园令人生畏，有完美无瑕的草坪和干净利落的殖民时期风格建筑。我紧张地坐在走廊里，等候被叫去面试；我身着套装，抓着罗宾的手提包，感到笨手笨脚，浑身僵硬。但最终，我几乎没有什么可做的，因为斯坦伯格教授已为我写了一封有力的推荐信。
The phone calls began — from BYU’s student paper and the local news. I did half a dozen interviews. I was on TV. I awoke one morning to find my picture plastered on BYU’s home page. I was the third BYU student ever to win a Gates scholarship, and the university was taking full advantage of the press. I was asked about my high school experience, and which of my grade school teachers had prepared me for my success. I dodged, I parried, I lied when I had to. I didn’t tell a single reporter that I’d never gone to school.
电话开始响个不停，是杨百翰大学校报和本地新闻媒体打来的。我接受了六次采访，上了电视。一天早上醒来，我发现我的照片登上了杨百翰大学主页。我是杨百翰大学第三位获得盖茨奖学金的学生，学校充分利用媒体大肆宣传。我被问及高中经历，以及哪位小学老师对我的成功影响最大。我闪烁其词，逃避话题，必要时还撒谎。我没有告诉任何一个记者，我从没上过学。
A month before my graduation, I visited Buck’s Peak. Dad had read the articles about my scholarship, and what he said was, “You didn’t mention home school. I’d think you’d be more grateful that your mother and I took you out of them schools, seeing how it’s worked out. You should be telling people that’s what done it: home school.”
毕业前一个月，我回到巴克峰。爸爸已经看了关于我获得奖学金的报道，他说：“你没有提到在家上学。我和你母亲知道学校的德行，没有送你上学，我本以为你会为此更加感激。你应该告诉大家，这都归功于在家上学。”
I didn’t know why I couldn’t tell them. I just couldn’t stand the thought of people patting me on the back, telling me how impressive I was. I didn’t want to be Horatio Alger in someone’s tear-filled homage to the American dream. I wanted my life to make sense, and nothing in that narrative made sense to me.
我不知道自己为什么没有告诉他们。我只是无法忍受别人拍着我的背，对我说我多么令人印象深刻。我不想成为霍雷肖·阿尔杰[22]那样热泪盈眶的美国梦的化身。我希望过有意义的生活，而在我看来，交代那些没有任何意义。【注：[22]Horatio Alger（1832－1899），美国作家，作品多描写穷孩子靠勤奋和努力爬上人生巅峰，因此成为美国梦的化身。】
I said nothing. Dad took it as an apology.
我什么也没说。爸爸视我的沉默为一种歉意。
Again, I said nothing.
我还是什么也没说。
“I’m looking forward to your graduation,” he said. “The Lord has a few choice rebukes for me to give them professors.”
“我期待你毕业，”他说，“上帝精选了一些指责的话，要我给那些教授们讲讲。”
“You will not,” I said quietly.
“不行。”我轻声答道。
He disapproved of my going to Cambridge. “Our ancestors risked their lives to cross the ocean, to escape those socialist countries. And what do you do? You turn around and go back?”
他不赞成我去剑桥。“为了逃离那些国家，我们的祖先冒着生命危险漂洋过海。而你在做什么？一转身又回去了？”
There was a dinner the night before my graduation where I was to receive the “most outstanding undergraduate” award from the history department. I waited for my parents at the entrance, but they never appeared. I called Mother, thinking they were running late. She said they weren’t coming. I went to the dinner and was presented with a plaque. My table had the only empty seats in the hall. The next day there was a luncheon for honors graduates, and I was seated with the college dean and the director of the honors program. Again, there were two empty seats. I said my parents had had car trouble.
毕业前夜，学校举行晚宴，历史系将在晚宴上为我颁发“最优秀本科毕业生奖”。我在门口等我的父母，但他们一直没有露面。我以为他们会晚点儿来，于是打电话给母亲，但她说他们不来了。我只身赴宴，被授予一块牌匾。整个大厅只有我桌子旁边的座位是空的。第二天有一个荣誉毕业生午宴，我与学院院长和荣誉项目主任坐在一起。旁边的两个位子还是空的。我告诉他们我父母的汽车坏了。
“You will not,” I repeated.
“不行。”我又说了一遍。
“If the Lord moves me, I will stand and speak.”
“耶和华若让我行动，我就站起来说。”
“I won’t go anywhere that the Lord’s spirit isn’t welcome.”
“主灵不受欢迎的地方我是不会去的。”
I apologized. “He can say whatever he wants. But please come.”
我道了歉，“他愿意说什么就说什么吧。但求求你们来吧。”
“Your father won’t come unless you apologize,” she said. “And I won’t, either.”
“除非你道歉，否则你爸爸是不会去的，”她说，“我也不会。”
That was the conversation. I hoped it would blow over, but Dad was so hurt that I hadn’t mentioned homeschooling in my interviews that this new wound festered.
我们的对话到此结束。我希望这件事就此过去，但因为我没有在采访中提及在家上学，父亲很是受伤，以至于这个新伤口恶化溃烂了。
I phoned my mother after the luncheon.
午饭后我给母亲打电话。
After the ceremony I stood alone on the lawn, watching the other students with their families. Eventually I saw my parents. Mother hugged me. My friend Laura snapped two photos. One is of me and Mother, smiling our forced smiles; the other is of me wedged between my parents, looking squeezed, under pressure.
典礼结束后，我独自站在草坪上，眼巴巴地望着其他学生和他们的家人。最终我的父母出现了。母亲拥抱了我。我的朋友劳拉拍了两张照片：一张是我和母亲的合影，我们强颜欢笑；另一张是我夹在父母中间，在压力下显得很紧张。
They missed most of the ceremony; I don’t know if they saw me accept my diploma. What I remember is waiting with my friends before the music began, watching their fathers snap pictures and their mothers fix their hair. I remember that my friends were wearing colorful leis and recently gifted jewelry.
他们错过了大半的毕业典礼。我不知道他们是否看见了我被授予学位证书的场景。我只记得，我和朋友们一起等待典礼音乐响起，看着他们的父亲给他们拍照，他们的母亲为他们整理头发。我记得我的朋友们都戴着五颜六色的花环，还有刚刚收到的珠宝礼物。
I was leaving the Mountain West that night. I had packed before graduation. My apartment was empty, my bags by the door. Laura had volunteered to drive me to the airport, but my parents asked if they could take me.
当天晚上我就要出发离开西部山区。毕业前我已经收拾好了行李。我的公寓空荡荡的，包裹都放在了门边。劳拉自告奋勇开车送我去机场，但我父母说他们想送我。
I expected them to drop me at the curb, but Dad insisted that they walk with me through the airport. They waited while I checked my bags, then followed me to the security gate. It was as if Dad wanted to give me until the last second to change my mind. We walked in silence. When we arrived at security I hugged them both and said goodbye. I removed my shoes, laptop, camera, then I passed through the checkpoint, reassembled my pack, and headed for the terminal.
我原以为他们会在路边丢下我，但爸爸坚持要陪我穿过机场。他们等着我托运行李，跟着我走到安检口。似乎爸爸想等到我在最后一秒改变主意。我们默默走着。到达安检处，我跟他俩拥抱道别。我脱下鞋子，拿出笔记本电脑和相机，穿过检查站，重新装好物品，准备登机。
It was only then that I glanced back and saw Dad, still standing at the checkpoint, watching me walk away, his hands in his pockets, his shoulders slumping, his mouth slackened. I waved and he stepped forward, as if to follow, and I was reminded of the moment, years before, when power lines had covered the station wagon, with Mother inside it, and Dad had stood next to her, exposed.
就在这时，我回头一瞥，看见爸爸还站在安检口目送我离开。他的双手插在口袋里，肩膀耷拉着，嘴巴松弛。我挥挥手，他向前走了几步，好像要跟上来。我想起了多年前的那一刻：当高压电线将旅行车盖住，母亲被困在车内时，爸爸站在旁边，一副无助的样子。
“If you’re in America,” he’d whispered, “we can come for you. Wherever you are. I’ve got a thousand gallons of fuel buried in the field. I can fetch you when The End comes, bring you home, make you safe. But if you cross the ocean…”
“如果你在美国，”他低声说，“无论你在哪个角落，我们都可以去找你。我在地下埋了一千加仑汽油。世界末日来临时我可以去接你，带你回家，让你平平安安的。但要是你去了大洋彼岸…”
He was still holding that posture when I turned the corner. That image of my father will always stay with me: that look on his face, of love and fear and loss. I knew why he was afraid. He’d let it slip my last night on Buck’s Peak, the same night he’d said he wouldn’t come to see me graduate.
我拐过弯，他仍然保持着那个姿势。父亲的那个形象我将永远铭记：他脸上的表情充满爱意、恐惧和失落。我知道他为什么害怕。我在巴克峰的最后一夜，就是他说不会来参加我毕业典礼的那一夜，他无意中吐露过。
0 条评论