第三十二章: 大房子里吵架的女人 A Brawling Woman in a Wide House
When I next returned to Buck’s Peak, it was autumn and Grandma-down-the-hill was dying. For nine years she had battled the cancer in her bone marrow; now the contest was ending. I had just learned that I’d won a place at Cambridge to study for a PhD when Mother wrote to me. “Grandma is in the hospital again,” she said. “Come quick. I think this will be the last time.”
我再次回到巴克峰时，已是秋季，山下奶奶奄奄一息。九年来，她一直与骨髓癌抗争，现在抗争快结束了。我刚刚得知自己获得了在剑桥大学攻读博士学位的机会，这时母亲写信给我。“奶奶又住院了，”她说，“尽快回来，我想这将是最后一次见面了。”
When I landed in Salt Lake, Grandma was drifting in and out of consciousness. Drew met me at the airport. We were more than friends by then, and Drew said he would drive me to Idaho, to the hospital in town.
飞机在盐湖城着陆时，奶奶的意识正时断时续。德鲁来机场接我。那时我们已不只是好朋友，他说要开车送我去爱达荷州，直奔镇上的医院。
I hadn’t been back there since I’d taken Shawn years before, and as I walked down its white, antiseptic hallway, it was difficult not to think of him. We found Grandma’s room. Grandpa was seated at her bedside, holding her speckled hand. Her eyes were open and she looked at me. “It’s my little Tara, come all the way from England,” she said, then her eyes closed. Grandpa squeezed her hand but she was asleep. A nurse told us she would likely sleep for hours.
自从几年前送肖恩来医院那次，我就再也没来过这里。穿过弥漫着消毒水味的白色走廊时，我很难不想起他。我们找到奶奶的病房。爷爷正坐在她的床边，握着她长满老年斑的手。她睁开眼睛看着我。“是我的小塔拉，大老远从英国回来啦。”说完，她闭上了眼睛。爷爷捏了捏她的手，但她睡着了。一位护士告诉我们，她可能会睡上几小时。
Drew said he would drive me to Buck’s Peak. I agreed, and it wasn’t until the mountain came into view that I wondered whether I’d made a mistake. Drew had heard my stories, but still there was a risk in bringing him here: this was not a story, and I doubted whether anyone would play the part I had written for them.
德鲁说他会开车送我到巴克峰，我同意了。直到那座山映入眼帘时，我才怀疑这是否是个错误的决定。德鲁听过我的故事，但将他带到这里来还是颇有风险：毕竟这不是一个故事，我不确定是否有人会按照我为他们写就的剧本扮演角色。
“This bathroom is for senior management,” she repeated, straightening to her full height. “You are not allowed to leave the annex.”
“这个卫生间是给高级管理人员用的。”她挺直身子，又重复了一遍，“不允许你离开扩建区域。”
“I don’t work here,” I said.
“我不是在这儿工作。”我说。
“This bathroom is for senior management only,” she said. “Bottle fillers must use the bathroom in the annex.”
“这个卫生间仅供高级管理人员使用，”她说，“装瓶员工只能使用扩建区域的卫生间。”
The house was in chaos. There were women everywhere, some taking orders over the phone, others mixing oils or straining tinctures. There was a new annex on the south side of the house, where younger women were filling bottles and packaging orders for shipment. I left Drew in the living room and went to the bathroom, which was the only room in the house that still looked the way I remembered it. When I came out I walked straight into a thin old woman with wiry hair and large, square glasses.
房子里一片混乱。到处都是女人，有的在打电话接订单，有的在调制精油，有的在过滤酊剂。房子南面又扩建了一个新房间，更年轻点儿的女人在那里装瓶、打包订单、等待发货。我让德鲁待在起居室，去了卫生间，那是家中唯一看起来与我的记忆保持一致的房间。当我从里面出来时，一头撞在一个瘦瘦的老妇人身上。她头发硬直，戴一副大方框眼镜。
She stared at me. Of course I worked here. Everyone worked here.
她盯着我。在她眼里，我当然是在这里工作的。每个人都是。
She walked away before I could reply.
我还没来得及回答，她就走开了。
I still hadn’t seen either of my parents. I weaved my way back through the house and found Drew on the sofa, listening to a woman explain that aspirin can cause infertility. I grasped his hand and pulled him behind me, cutting a path through the strangers.
我仍然没见到父母的身影。我穿过屋子走回去，发现德鲁坐在沙发上，正在听一个女人向他解释阿司匹林会导致不孕不育。我一把抓起他的手，拉着他越过陌生人往前走。
“Is this place for real?” he said.
“这个地方是真实的吗？”他说。
I found Mother in a windowless room in the basement. I had the impression that she was hiding there. I introduced her to Drew and she smiled warmly. “Where’s Dad?” I said. I suspected that he was sick in bed, as he had been prone to pulmonary illnesses since the explosion had charred his lungs.
我在地下室一间没有窗户的房间里找到了母亲。我已感觉到她是故意躲在那里的。我向她介绍了德鲁，她热情地微笑。“爸爸呢？”我问。我怀疑他卧病在床，自从爆炸烧焦了他的肺，他经常患肺病。
“I’m sure he’s in the fray,” she said, rolling her eyes at the ceiling, which thrummed with the thudding of feet.
“我肯定他正在上面嚷嚷。”她说，眼睛转向天花板，上面响起沉重的脚步声。
Mother came with us upstairs. The moment she appeared on the landing, she was hailed by several of her employees with questions from clients. Everyone seemed to want her opinion — about their burns, their heart tremors, their underweight infants. She waved them off and pressed forward. The impression she gave as she moved through her own house was of a celebrity in a crowded restaurant, trying not to be recognized.
母亲和我们一起上楼。她一出现在楼梯平台上，几名员工立刻迎了上来，向她咨询客户的问题。每个人似乎都想聆听她的意见——关于烧伤、心悸，还有婴儿体重过轻。她挥手示意她们走开，向前挤去。她在自己家里走动的样子，就像一个在拥挤的餐馆里就餐的名人，努力不被人认出来。
My father’s desk was the size of a car. It was parked in the center of the chaos. He was on the phone, which he’d wedged between his cheek and shoulder so it wouldn’t slip through his waxy hands. “Doctors can’t help with them diabetes,” he said, much too loudly. “But the Lord can!”
父亲的书桌和一辆汽车一样大，处于一片混乱的正中央。他正在接电话。他把电话夹在脸颊和肩膀之间，这样它就不会从他蜡状的手中滑落。“医生治不好糖尿病，”他用大嗓门说，“但上帝能！”
I looked sideways at Drew, who was smiling. Dad hung up and turned toward us. He greeted Drew with a large grin. He radiated energy, feeding off the general bedlam of the house. Drew said he was impressed with the business, and Dad seemed to grow six inches. “We’ve been blessed for doing the Lord’s work,” he said.
我斜眼看看德鲁，他在微笑。爸爸挂断电话，转向我们，咧嘴一笑，跟德鲁打了招呼。他活力四射，从一屋子的混乱中汲取能量。德鲁说这门生意令他印象深刻，爸爸听了似乎一下子长高了六英寸。“我们因行上帝的工作而受到祝福。”他说。
The phone rang again. There were at least three employees tasked with answering it, but Dad leapt for the receiver as if he’d been waiting for an important call. I’d never seen him so full of life.
电话又响了。至少有三名员工负责接电话，但爸爸急忙跑去接听，好像一直在等一个重要的电话。我从未见过他如此精力充沛。
The noise in the house was disorienting, so I took Drew up the mountain. We strolled through fields of wild wheat and from there into the skirt of pines at the mountain base. The fall colors were soothing and we stayed for hours, gazing down at the quiet valley. It was late afternoon when we finally made our way back to the house and Drew left for Salt Lake City.
家里的噪音令我头晕目眩，于是我带德鲁上山。我们漫步穿过野麦田，从那里进入山脚下的松林。秋色令人心旷神怡，我们待了好几个小时，俯视宁静的山谷。傍晚我们才回到家，德鲁回了盐湖城。
“The power of God on earth,” he shouted into the mouthpiece. “That’s what these oils are: God’s pharmacy!”
“精油是上帝在人间的神力，”他对着话筒喊道，“精油就是上帝的药房！”
My father lost his appetite for the business. He started getting out of bed later and later, and when he did, it seemed it was only to insult or accuse. He shouted at Shawn about the junkyard and lectured Mother about her management of the employees. He snapped at Audrey when she tried to make him lunch, and barked at me for typing too loudly. It was as if he wanted to fight, to punish himself for the old woman’s death. Or perhaps the punishment was for her life, for the conflict that had been between them, which had only ended now she was dead.
父亲对生意失去了兴致。他起床越来越晚，当他起来，似乎也只是为了辱骂或指责别人。因为废料场的事他对肖恩大嚷，因为员工管理问题他教训母亲，奥黛丽想给他做午饭被他厉声呵斥，嫌我打字声音太吵朝我咆哮。他似乎想要打架，因为老人的死而惩罚自己。或者这种惩罚是因为她的一生中他们之间从未停歇的冲突。现在她死了，冲突才结束。
The house slowly filled again. The phones were reconnected, and women materialized to answer them. Dad’s desk remained empty. He spent his days in bed, gazing up at the stucco ceiling. I brought him supper, as I had as a child, and wondered now, as I’d wondered then, whether he knew I was there.
房子里慢慢地又填满了人。电话重新接通了，又有女人接起了电话。爸爸的桌前仍然是空的。他整天躺在床上，凝视着灰泥天花板。我像小时候那样给他送晚饭，现在也和过去一样，我甚至在想，他是否知道我在那里。
I entered the Chapel through the French doors and was surprised by the silence. The house was empty, every phone disconnected, every workstation abandoned. Mother sat alone in the center of the room.
我穿过法式大门进了“小教堂”，这里的寂静让我感到惊讶。房子空荡荡的，所有电话都断开了，所有工作台旁的人都散了。母亲独自坐在房间的中央。
“The hospital called,” she said. “Grandma’s gone.”
“医院打电话来了，”她说，“奶奶走了。”
Mother moved about the house with the vitality of ten people, mixing tinctures and essential oils, directing her employees between making funeral arrangements and cooking for every cousin and aunt who dropped in unannounced to reminisce about Grandma. As often as not I’d find her in an apron, hovering over a roast with a phone in each hand, one a client, the other an uncle or friend calling to offer condolences. Through all this my father remained in bed.
母亲带着十个人的活力在房子里走动，在安排葬礼与为每一位不请自来悼念奶奶的表亲和姑妈做饭的间隙，混合酊剂和精油、指导手下的员工。我常常发现她系着围裙，在烤肉架前转来转去，两手各持一部电话，一头是客户，另一头是某个表示哀悼的叔叔或朋友。在此期间父亲一直躺在床上。
Dad spoke at the funeral. His speech was a twenty-minute sermon on God’s promises to Abraham. He mentioned my grandmother twice. To strangers it must have seemed he was hardly affected by the loss of his mother, but we knew better, we who could see the devastation.
爸爸在葬礼上发言，念了二十分钟上帝对亚伯拉罕的应许的布道词。他只提到奶奶两次。在外人看来，似乎丧母并未影响到他，但我们深知此事对他的毁灭性打击。
When we arrived home from the service, Dad was incensed that lunch wasn’t ready. Mother scrambled to serve the stew she’d left to slow-cook, but after the meal Dad seemed equally frustrated by the dishes, which Mother hurriedly cleaned, and then by his grandchildren, who played noisily while Mother dashed about trying to hush them.
葬礼结束后，我们回到家，爸爸为午饭没做好而生气。母亲急忙端上她临走时慢炖的炖菜。但吃完饭后，爸爸似乎又因为盘子闹脾气，母亲赶紧去把它们洗好。接着爸爸又生孙子孙女的气，嫌他们玩耍时声音太吵，母亲又冲过去哄他们安静下来。
“Then you should do the husband’s work,” she said, her voice raised.
“那么你该把丈夫的工作承担起来。”她提高嗓门说。
“The least you could do,” Mother said, “is fill out these thank-you cards. It was your mother, after all.”
“最起码，”母亲说，“你得把这些感谢卡片填了。毕竟那是你的母亲。”
“That’s wifely work,” Dad said. “I’ve never heard of a man writing cards.”
“这是妻子的工作，”爸爸说，“我从没听说过让男人填卡片的。”
He had said the exact wrong thing. For ten years, Mother had been the primary breadwinner, while continuing to cook meals, clean the house, do the laundry, and I had never once heard her express anything like resentment. Until now.
他这可完全说错了。十年来，母亲一直是家里的顶梁柱，同时她还得做饭、打扫屋子、洗衣服，我从未听她有过半句怨言，直到现在。
That evening, when the house was empty and quiet, I listened from the living room as my parents argued in the kitchen.
那天晚上，房子里又空又静，我在起居室听见父母在厨房里争吵。
Soon they were both shouting. Dad tried to corral her, to subdue her with a show of anger, the way he always had, but this only made her more stubborn. Eventually she tossed the cards on the table and said, “Fill them out or don’t. But if you don’t, no one will.” Then she marched downstairs. Dad followed, and for an hour their shouts rose up through the floor. I’d never heard my parents shout like that — at least, not my mother. I’d never seen her refuse to give way.
很快，他俩都大叫起来。爸爸像往常一样，试图关牲畜一般困住她，用狂怒来制服她，但这只让她愈加倔强。最后她把卡片往桌上一扔，说：“爱填不填，你要是不填，没人替你填。”说完她大步走下了楼。爸爸跟在后面，两人的喊声在地板上回荡了一个小时。我从未听过父母那样争吵——至少母亲没有。我从未见过她拒绝让步。
The next morning I found Dad in the kitchen, dumping flour into a glue-like substance I assumed was supposed to be pancake batter. When he saw me, he dropped the flour and sat at the table. “You’re a woman, ain’tcha?” he said. “Well, this here’s a kitchen.” We stared at each other and I contemplated the distance that had sprung up between us — how natural those words sounded to his ears, how grating to mine.
第二天早上我发现爸爸在厨房里，将面粉倒进像胶水一样的东西里，我猜那应该是煎薄饼用的面糊。他一看见我，便放下面粉，坐在桌旁。“你是女人，对吧？”他说，“喏，厨房是你的了。”我们盯着彼此，我思索着我们之间已然出现的距离——这些话在他听来是如此自然，于我是何等刺耳。
It wasn’t like Mother to leave Dad to make his own breakfast. I thought she might be ill and went downstairs to check on her. I’d barely made it to the landing when I heard it: deep sobs coming from the bathroom, muffled by the steady drone of a blow-dryer. I stood outside the door and listened for more than a minute, paralyzed. Would she want me to leave, to pretend I hadn’t heard? I waited for her to catch her breath, but her sobs only grew more desperate.
让爸爸自己做早餐，这可不像母亲的做法。我以为她病了，于是下楼去看她。我刚下楼梯就听到了声音：卫生间里隐约传来深沉的呜咽，被吹风机持续的嗡鸣声所掩盖。我站在门外，呆呆地听了逾一分钟。她会不会想让我走开，让我假装什么都没听见？我等着她停下来歇口气，但她的啜泣声越来越绝望。
I knocked. “It’s me,” I said.
我敲了敲门。“是我。”我说。
The door opened, a sliver at first, then wider, and there was my mother, her skin glistening from the shower, wrapped in a towel that was too small to cover her. I had never seen my mother this way, and instinctively I closed my eyes. The world went black. I heard a thud, the cracking of plastic, and opened my eyes. Mother had dropped the blow-dryer and it had struck the floor, its roar now doubled as it rebounded off the exposed concrete. I looked at her, and as I did she pulled me to her and held me. The wet from her body seeped into my clothes, and I felt droplets slide from her hair and onto my shoulder.
门开了，一开始只是一条缝，接着又宽了一些。是我的母亲，她刚洗完澡，皮肤闪闪发光。她裹着一块毛巾，但毛巾太小，没有将她全部包裹住。我从没见过母亲这样，本能地闭上眼睛。世界一片黑暗。我听见砰的一声，是塑料破碎的声音，于是我睁开眼。吹风机从母亲的手里掉落在地上，在裸露的水泥地板上弹了一下，嗡鸣声大了一倍。我看着她，就在我这么做的时候，她将我拉到身边，抱住了我。她身上的湿气渗进我的衣服，我感觉到水珠从她的头发上滴落至我的肩膀。
0 条评论