You made the choice here, okay? You can’t have it both ways when…
是你做出的选择，不是吗？你不能什么都想要，当你……
I don’t know why you’re making Charlie carry notes to Billy like we’re in second grade — if I wanted to talk to you I would answer the…
我不知道你为什么像我们还是二年级那样让查理捎便条给比利——如果我想要和你说话，我会回信……
It just makes it worse when I think about you too much, so don’t write anymore.
我想念你太多的话只会让情况变得更糟糕，所以，别再写信给我了。
Look, I know I’m being a jerk, but there’s just no way around.
瞧，我知道，我现在这么做很愚蠢，但是，现在没有别的办法。
Bella,
贝拉，
We can’t be friends when you’re spending all your time with a bunch of…
既然你大多时候都和一群……在一起，我们就不可能是朋友。
What part of ‘mortal enemies’ is too complicated for you to…
“人类的敌人”的哪个方面对你而言太复杂而不……
Jacob,
雅各布，
Yeah, I miss you, too. A lot. Doesn’t change anything. Sorry.
是的，我也想念你。很想。但什么都不会改变。对不起。
I ran my fingers across the page, feeling the dents where he had pressed the pen to the paper so hard that it had nearly broken through. I could picture him writing this — scrawling the angry letters in his rough handwriting, slashing through line after line when the words came out wrong, maybe even snapping the pen in his too-big hand; that would explain the ink splatters. I could imagine the frustration pulling his black eyebrows together and crumpling his forehead. If I’d been there, I might have laughed. Don’t give yourself a brain hemorrhage, Jacob, I would have told him. Just spit it out.
我用手指一行一行地划过纸上的文字，碰到那些凹痕，他用笔写字时用力过猛几乎把纸都戳破了。我能想象出他写这些话时的样子——他笔迹潦草，横七竖八地画出这些字母，用以宣泄他心中的愤怒，然后一行又一行地划掉那些措辞有误的话语，也许他甚至还会用那只过大的手生气地拧断钢笔。我想象得出沮丧挫败的感觉使他漆黑的眉毛紧皱在一起的样子。要是我在那里的话，我可能会大笑起来。别让你自己脑出血，雅各布。我会这样告诉他，吐出来就可以了。
What was surprising was how much each crossed-out line wounded me — as if the points of the letters had cutting edges. More than that, behind each angry beginning lurked a vast pool of hurt; Jacob’s pain cut me deeper than my own.
令我惊讶的倒是被他划掉的一行行文字竟会令我如此受伤——仿佛这些字母上长了刀子似的。不仅如此，每一行以生气开头，但后面都隐藏着汪洋般巨大的痛苦；和我自己的痛苦相比，雅各布的痛苦使我伤得更深。
While I was pondering this, I caught the unmistakable scent of a smoking burner rising from the kitchen. In another house, the fact that someone besides myself was cooking might not be a cause for panicking.
当我正在思考这些的时候，闻到了一阵浓浓的烟熏味儿正从厨房飘过来。另一个房间里，除了在做饭之外，不会有什么事让我惊慌失措。
Laughing was the last thing I felt like doing now as I reread the words I’d already memorized. His answer to my pleading note — passed from Charlie to Billy to him, just like second grade, as he’d pointed out — was no surprise. I’d known the essence of what it would say before I’d opened it.
当我再读这些我已经铭记于心的话语时，我现在最不想做的事情就是大笑。他对我的请求信的答复——那封信通过查理带给比利，然后由比利再给他，这样的送信方式在他看来只不过是像二年级学生一样，正如他所指出的——一点儿也不奇怪，还没打开信笺我就知道上面写的是什么了。
I shoved the wrinkled paper into my back pocket and ran, making it downstairs in the nick of time.
我把皱皱巴巴的纸塞进裤子后袋，匆匆忙忙地朝楼下跑去。
“What did I do wrong?” Charlie demanded.
“我做错什么了？”查理问道。
“You’re supposed to take the lid off first, Dad. Metal’s bad for microwaves.” I swiftly removed the lid as I spoke, poured half the sauce into a bowl, and then put the bowl inside the microwave and the jar back in the fridge; I fixed the time and pressed start.
“您应该先把盖子揭开的，爸爸，金属不能放在微波炉里转。”我边说边把盖子揭开，接着把半罐沙司倒进碗里，然后把碗放进微波炉，把罐子放回冰箱，调整好时间，按下启动键。
The jar of spaghetti sauce Charlie’d stuck in the microwave was only on its first revolution when I yanked the door open and pulled it out.
查理扔进微波炉的一罐意大利实心面沙司刚刚转动第一圈，我猛地一把拉开门，把它拖了出来。
He folded his arms across his chest and glared out the back windows into the sheeting rain.
他双臂抱在胸口，愤怒地凝视着后窗外的雨帘。
Charlie watched my adjustments with pursed lips. “Did I get the noodles right?”
查理嘟着嘴巴看着我调整时间，问道：“我的面条做得对吗？”
I looked in the pan on the stove — the source of the smell that had alerted me. “Stirring helps,” I said mildly. I found a spoon and tried to de-clump the mushy hunk that was scalded to the bottom.
我看了看炉子上的平底锅——令我警惕的烟熏味儿的源头就在这里。“翻一翻会更好。”我语气温和地说道。我找了一把调羹，用力把烤焦在锅底的厚厚的糊状面条刮下来。
Charlie sighed.
查理叹了叹气。
“Don’t know what you’re talking about,” he grumbled.
“我不知道你在说什么。”他咕哝道。
“So what’s all this about?” I asked him.
“那么，您为什么要做这些？”我问他。
I was mystified. Charlie cooking? And what was with the surly attitude? Edward wasn’t here yet; usually my dad reserved this kind of behavior for my boyfriend’s benefit, doing his best to illustrate the theme of “unwelcome” with every word and posture. Charlie’s efforts were unnecessary — Edward knew exactly what my dad was thinking without the show.
我迷惑不解起来。查理会做饭？他为什么要板着脸孔？爱德华还没来这里呢。通常我爸爸会因为我男朋友而摆出这样的架势，竭尽全力地表现出一副“你不受欢迎”的模样，他所说的每个字、所摆出的每个姿势都表达出这层含义。查理的努力毫无必要——爱德华不用看这些表演就对我爸爸正在想什么了如指掌。
The word boyfriend had me chewing on the inside of my cheek with a familiar tension while I stirred. It wasn’t the right word, not at all. I needed something more expressive of eternal commitment… But words like destiny and fate sounded hokey when you used them in casual conversation.
我翻动锅里的面条时想到“男朋友”三个字，这个词儿使我感到一阵熟悉的紧张感，我一不小心咬到了自己的嘴巴。这个词语不合适，一点儿都不合适。我需要某种更能表达永恒的承诺的词语……但是像“宿命”和“命运”这样的词语用在平时的交谈中显得很做作。
Fiancee. Ugh. I shuddered away from the thought.
未婚夫——哟！一想到这一点我就浑身发抖。
“Did I miss something? Since when do you make dinner?” I asked Charlie. The pasta lump bobbed in the boiling water as I poked it. “Or try to make dinner, I should say.”
“我错过什么了吗？从何时起您开始做晚饭了？”我问查理，意大利面团在开水里上下移动的时候，我戳了戳，“或者是您在试着做晚饭？”
Edward had another word in mind, and that word was the source of the tension I felt. It put my teeth on edge just to think it to myself.
爱德华心中有另一个词语，那个词正是我感到紧张的来源，我只要想一想都会让自己紧张得直咬牙。
“Ha. Good one.” He shrugged out of the jacket as if my glance had reminded him he still had it on, and hung it on the peg reserved for his gear. His gun belt was already slung in place — he hadn’t felt the need to wear that to the station for a few weeks. There had been no more disturbing disappearances to trouble the small town of Forks, Washington, no more sightings of the giant, mysterious wolves in the ever-rainy woods…
“哈！说得不错。”他摆动身体，把皮夹克脱了下来，仿佛我的眼神是在提醒他衣服还穿在他身上一样，然后他把皮夹克挂在那个他专用的挂衣钩上。他的枪带已经挂在那里了——一连几个星期，他都觉得去警察局没必要佩戴手枪。华盛顿州福克斯的小镇不再笼罩在令人困扰的失踪事件之中了，也不再有人在曾经阴雨绵绵的树林里看见神秘且体形庞大的狼了。
Charlie shrugged. “There’s no law that says I can’t cook inzz my own house.”
查理耸了耸肩：“没有哪条法律规定我不能在自己家做饭。”
I prodded the noodles in silence, guessing that Charlie would get around to talking about whatever was bothering him in his own time. My dad was not a man of many words, and the effort he had put into trying to orchestrate a sit-down dinner with me made it clear there were an uncharacteristic number of words on his mind.
我静静地戳着面条，猜想着查理会讲出到底是什么事情令他心烦意乱。我父亲不是个话很多的人，他努力让自己配合着我坐下来一起吃晚饭，这表明他脑海里一定有非常多的话要说。
“You would know,” I replied, grinning as I eyed the badge pinned to his leather jacket.
“您知道得再清楚不过了。”我一边看着他别在皮夹克上的徽章，一边说道。
Afternoons were the hardest part of my day. Ever since my former best friend (and werewolf), Jacob Black, had informed on me about the motorcycle I’d been riding on the sly — a betrayal he had devised in order to get me grounded so that I couldn’t spend time with my boyfriend (and vampire), Edward Cullen — Edward had been allowed to see me only from seven till nine-thirty p. m., always inside the confines of my home and under the supervision of my dad’s unfailingly crabby glare.
下午对我而言是一天中最难熬的时光。自从我以前最好的朋友（和狼人）雅各布？布莱克告诉查理我偷偷摸摸骑过那辆摩托车以来——他事先就计划好这么出卖我的，这样一来我就会被关禁闭，进而不能与我的男朋友（和吸血鬼）爱德华？卡伦在一起了——爱德华只获许在晚上七点到九点之间来看我，而且通常只能在我家里，还要在我爸爸从不困倦的怒目监控下。
This was an escalation from the previous, slightly less stringent grounding that I’d earned for an unexplained three-day disappearance and one episode of cliff diving.
这次是上次不那么严格的禁闭令的升级。我无法自圆其说为什么会一连失踪三天，而且还敢去悬崖跳水，这是我因此而得到的惩罚。
I glanced at the clock routinely — something I did every few minutes around this time. Less than a half hour to go now.
我习惯性地看了看钟——每天大约这个时候，每隔几分钟我就会这么做——还有不到半个小时的时间。
Of course, I still saw Edward at school, because there wasn’t anything Charlie could do about that. And then, Edward spent almost every night in my room, too, but Charlie wasn’t precisely aware of that. Edward’s ability to climb easily and silently through my second-story window was almost as useful as his ability to read Charlie’s mind.
当然啦，我在学校还是会见到爱德华，因为查理对此无能为力。此外，爱德华几乎每天晚上都在我的房间里，不过查理对此事并不是很清楚。爱德华轻而易举就能一声不响地从二楼的窗户爬进我的房间，这种本事几乎和他能读懂查理的心思一样有用。
“I don’t know why you read the news, Dad. It only ticks you off.”
“爸爸，我不知道您为什么读报纸，这只不过会让您更生气罢了。”
My dad sat down at the table with a grunt and unfolded the damp newspaper there; within seconds he was clucking his tongue in disapproval.
我爸爸哼哼唧唧地坐在餐桌前，然后打开了潮湿的报纸；不一会儿，他就开始清嗓子，发出不满的声音。
Though the afternoon was the only time I spent away from Edward, it was enough to make me restless, and the hours always dragged. Still, I endured my punishment without complaining because — for one thing — I knew I’d earned it, and — for another — because I couldn’t bear to hurt my dad by moving out now, when a much more permanent separation hovered, invisible to Charlie, so close on my horizon.
尽管爱德华只有下午不在我身边，这却足以令我无精打采，其间的几个小时如此漫长。尽管如此，我还是毫无怨言地忍受着这种惩罚：一来，我知道这是我自找的；二来，我无法忍受现在就搬出去而伤害我父亲，特别是当更加永久的分别就摆在眼前，就近在咫尺的时候，查理看不到这一点，对此也一无所知。
“What have big cities done wrong now?”
“现在的大城市都怎么了？”
“Seattle’s making a run for murder capital of the country. Five unsolved homicides in the last two weeks. Can you imagine living like that?”
“西雅图正追捕谋杀国家元首的逃犯。在过去的两周里，就有五个未逮捕的杀人犯。你能想象那样的生活吗？”
He ignored me, grumbling at the paper in his hands. “This is why everyone wants to live in a small town! Ridiculous.”
他对我的话充耳不闻，对着手中的报纸发牢骚：“这就是为什么每个人都想要住在小镇上的原因！无稽之谈。”
“I think Phoenix is actually higher up the homicide list, Dad. I have lived like that.” And I’d never come close to being a murder victim until after I moved to his safe little town. In fact, I was still on several hit lists… The spoon shook in my hands, making the water tremble.
“我想凤凰城在杀人榜上的排名更靠前，爸爸，我曾经经历过这样的事情。”我从未与谋杀案受害者的身份如此靠近，直到我搬到他居住的这座安全的小镇。实际上，我仍然在几个热门的名单之上……我手中的调羹颤抖了一下，里面的水也颤抖起来。
I gave up on saving dinner and settled for serving it; I had to use a steak knife to cut a portion of spaghetti for Charlie and then myself, while he watched with a sheepish expression. Charlie coated his helping with sauce and dug in. I disguised my own clump as well as I could and followed his example without much enthusiasm. We ate in silence for a moment. Charlie was still scanning the news, so I picked up my much-abused copy of Wuthering Heights from where I’d left it this morning at breakfast, and tried to lose myself in turn-of-the-century England while I waited for him to start talking.
我放弃省掉晚餐的打算，准备上饭；我得用牛排刀割开一片意大利细面，先给查理，然后给我自己，而他则用驯服的眼神注视着我。查理把沙司倒在他的面条上，然后把它们搅拌在一起。我按照他的方式尽可能地装饰着我自己的面条，打不起丝毫的精神，我们一言不发地吃了一会儿饭。查理仍然在浏览新闻，我一边等他开口说话，一边拿起已经被我翻烂了的《呼啸山庄》，从我早上吃早餐时看到的地方读起，努力让自己沉浸在世纪之交的英格兰。
“Well, you couldn’t pay me enough,” Charlie said.
“好吧，你就是对我说个没完。”查理说道。
I was just to the part where Heathcliff returns when Charlie cleared his throat and threw the paper to the floor.
我刚刚看到希斯克里夫返回英格兰的那一段，这时查理清了清嗓子，把报纸扔在了地上。
I laid the book aside; the binding was so destroyed that it slumped flat to the table. “You could have just asked.”
我把书放到一边，书脊已经破败不堪，整本书都摊平在餐桌上：“您只需要问我一下就可以啊。”
He nodded, his eyebrows pulling together. “Yeah. I’ll remember that next time. I thought taking dinner off your hands would soften you up.”
他点了点头，眉毛紧皱在一起：“是的，我下次会记得的。我以为接过你手中做饭的活儿会使你温顺一些。”
“You’re right,” Charlie said. “I did have a reason for doing this.” He waved his fork at the gluey spread. “I wanted to talk to you.”
“你说得对，”查理说，“我的确有理由那么做。”他朝着黏糊糊的面团挥舞着叉子，说道，“我想和你谈一谈。”
Charlie’s face was suddenly wary. “Don’t get mad at me, okay?”
查理的脸突然变得小心翼翼起来：“别生我的气，好吗？”
My eyes narrowed.
我眯起眼睛看着他。
“Well, it’s about Edward, too.”
“好吧，也和爱德华有关。”
“Responsible,” I repeated scathingly, rolling my eyes. “Right. So, what about Jacob?”
“负责任，”我挖苦地重复道，转了转眼睛，“对的，那么，雅各布怎么啦？”
“Easy, Bells. I know you’re still upset that he told on you, but it was the right thing. He was being responsible.”
“放松，贝儿，我知道你还在因为他出卖了你而生气，但是他做得对。他那样做是负责任的表现。”
The careless question repeated inside my head, anything but trivial. What about Jacob? What was I going to do about him? My former best friend who was now… what? My enemy? I cringed.
这个漫不经心的问题一直在我脑海里回荡，除了烦琐的事情外，没别的什么事情。雅各布怎么啦？我能拿他怎么样呢？我以前最好的朋友，现在……是什么？我的敌人？我畏缩了。
“You do,” I admitted. “For brief periods of time. Of course, you might let me out of the house for brief periods now and then, too,” I continued — only jokingly; I knew I was on lockdown for the duration of the school year. “I’ve been pretty good lately.”
“是的，”我承认道，“只不过是很短的一段时间罢了。当然啦，您也可以时不时地让我出门一小会儿，”我继续说道——只不过是开开玩笑的，我知道在余下的学年里我都要被关禁闭，“我最近表现还是很好的。”
I felt my face harden. “What about him?” I asked through stiff lips.
我感到我的脸一下子僵在那里，“他怎么啦？”我嘴唇僵硬地问道。
“Mad?”
“生气？”
I laughed. “It worked — your cooking skills have me soft as a marshmallow. What do you need, Dad?”
我大笑起来：“这很奏效——您的烹饪技艺使我温顺得像块果酱软糖。您需要什么，爸爸？”
Charlie’s voice got gruffer. “I let him in the house, don’t I?”
查理的声音变得更生硬了：“我还是让他进了家门的，是不是？”
“Well, it’s about Jacob.”
“嗯，是关于雅各布的。”
I saw a dim glimmer of possibility in that smile, but I proceeded slowly. “I’m confused, Dad. Are we talking about Jacob, or Edward, or me being grounded?”
我看出那个微笑中暗含着某种可能性，不过我慢条斯理地继续问道：“我给弄糊涂了，爸爸，您在说的是雅各布、爱德华，或者是我被禁闭吧？”
“Well, that’s kind of where I was heading with this…” And then Charlie’s face stretched into an unexpected eye-crinkling grin; for a second he looked twenty years younger.
“好吧，那有点儿接近我正准备讨论的话题了……”接着，查理的表情放和缓了些，出乎意料地露齿一笑，眼角都是皱纹；有那么一会儿，他看起来好像年轻了二十岁。
The grin flashed again. “Sort of all three.”
那个笑容又一闪而过：“和三者都有那么一点点关系。”
Charlie held up one finger. “Conditionally.”
查理举起一根手指头，说道：“是有条件的。”
“And how do they relate?” I asked, cautious.
“那么它们是怎么联系到一起的？”我谨慎地追问。
“Okay.” He sighed, raising his hands as if in surrender. “So I’m thinking maybe you deserve a parole for good behavior. For a teenager, you’re amazingly non-whiney.”
“好吧，”他叹了叹气，抬起手臂好像投降一样，“我在考虑也许你因为表现良好获得假释。对于一个青少年而言，你忍气吞声、不发牢骚的程度真的令人惊讶。”
My voice and eyebrows shot up. “Seriously? I’m free?”
我的声音和眉毛一下子抬高了：“您是认真的？我自由了？”
Where was this coming from? I’d been positive I would be under house arrest until I actually moved out, and Edward hadn’t picked up any wavering in Charlie’s thoughts…
这到底因何而起？我一直确信在我真正搬出去以前会一直关禁闭，而爱德华也没有找到让查理动摇的念头……
The enthusiasm vanished. “Fantastic,” I groaned.
突如其来的热情消失殆尽了，“好极了。”我抱怨道。
“Bella, this is more of a request than a demand, okay? You’re free. But I’m hoping you’ll use that freedom… judiciously.”
“贝拉，这与其说是命令还不如说是请求，好吗？你自由了，但是我希望你能……理智地利用这种自由。”
“What does that mean?”
“这是什么意思？”
“I spend time with Alice, too,” I interjected. Edward’s sister had no hours of visitation; she came and went as she pleased. Charlie was putty in her capable hands.
“我也和爱丽丝一起玩的。”我插话道。爱德华的妹妹来我们家是没有时间限制的，她高兴什么时候来就什么时候来，查理在她能干的双手中就像软面团似的。
He sighed again. “I know you’re satisfied to spend all of your time with Edward –“
他又叹了叹气：“我知道你整天和爱德华待在一起非常开心，也心满意足……”
“Friday at lunch,” I answered immediately.
“星期五吃午饭的时候。”我立即回答道。
We stared at each other for a long moment.
我们彼此凝视着，看了好久。
“That’s true,” he said. “But you have other friends besides the Cullens, Bella. Or you used to.”
“那倒是，”他说，“但是除了卡伦家的人以外，贝拉，你还有其他的朋友。或者说，你曾经有过。”
“When was the last time you spoke to Angela Weber?” he threw at me.
“你上次和安吉拉？韦伯说话是什么时候？”他突然把这个问题抛给我。
Before Edward’s return, my school friends had polarized into two groups. I liked to think of those groups as good vs. evil. Us and them worked, too. The good guys were Angela, her steady boyfriend Ben Cheney, and Mike Newton; these three had all very generously forgiven me for going crazy when Edward left. Lauren Mallory was the evil core of the them side, and almost everyone else, including my first friend in Forks, Jessica Stanley, seemed content to go along with her anti-Bella agenda.
在爱德华回来以前，我学校的朋友们分成了截然相反的两群。我宁愿认为那两群是好的对坏的，我们和他们也很合适。好的是安吉拉、她忠心耿耿的男朋友本？切尼和迈克？牛顿，他们三个人都很慷慨地原谅了我在爱德华离我而去之后的种种疯狂举动。劳伦？马洛里是“他们”那一边的邪恶核心成员，几乎其他每个人，包括我在福克斯最早的朋友杰西卡？斯坦利好像也对遵守她那抵制贝拉的安排感到很满意。
Edward’s return had taken its toll on Mike’s friendship, but Angela was unswervingly loyal, and Ben followed her lead. Despite the natural aversion most humans felt toward the Cullens, Angela sat dutifully beside Alice every day at lunch. After a few weeks, Angela even looked comfortable there. It was difficult not to be charmed by the Cullens — once one gave them the chance to be charming.
爱德华的归来使得迈克的友谊中断了，而安吉拉却毫不动摇、坚贞不渝地忠于我们的友谊，本也亦步亦趋。尽管大多数人自然而然地避开卡伦家的人，但安吉拉每天中午吃饭的时候都会恪尽职守地坐在爱丽丝旁边。几个星期后，安吉拉看上去似乎已经感到怡然自得了。不被卡伦家的人迷倒并非易事——只要人们给他们机会让其释放魅力的话。
With Edward back at school, the dividing line had become even more distinct.
随着爱德华重新回到学校，那条分界线变得更加明显了。
“I haven’t seen anyone outside of school, Dad. Grounded, remember? And Angela has a boyfriend, too. She’s always with Ben. If I’m really free,” I added, heavy on the skepticism, “maybe we could double.”
“爸爸，我在学校之外没见过任何人。禁闭，还记得吗？而且安吉拉也有男朋友。她总是和本在一起。如果我真的自由了，”我补充道，语气中带有很浓厚的怀疑口吻，“也许我们可以四个人一起出去玩。”
“Outside of school?” Charlie asked, calling my attention back.
“在学校之外呢？”查理问道，把我的思绪引了回来。
“Okay. But then…” He hesitated. “You and Jake used to be joined at the hip, and now –“
“好吧，但是那么……”他吞吞吐吐地说道，“你和杰克以前交情很深厚的，而现在——”
I cut him off. “Can you get to the point, Dad? What’s your condition — exactly?”
我打断他说道：“您就不能直截了当一点儿吗，爸爸？您的条件——到底是什么？”
“I don’t think you should dump all your other friends for your boyfriend, Bella,” he said in a stern voice. “It’s not nice, and I think your life would be better balanced if you kept some other people in it. What happened last September…”
“我认为你不应该为了男朋友抛弃所有其他的朋友，贝拉，”他严厉地说道，“这样做很不好，而且我觉得如果你对其他人也敞开心胸，让他们走进来的话，你的生活会更加平衡的。去年九月发生的事情……”
I nodded slowly. “Balance is good. Do I have specific time quotas to fill, though?”
我慢慢地点了点头：“平衡是好事情。那么，我要填满指定的配额吗？”
“Use your new freedom to see your other friends, too. Keep it balanced.”
“利用你重新获得的自由也去看看你的其他朋友，让自己的生活保持平衡。”
“It would have been exactly like that,” I muttered.
“那样的事情照样会发生。”我轻声咕哝道。
He made a face, but shook his head. “I don’t want to make this complicated. Just don’t forget your friends…”
他做了个鬼脸，但是摇了摇头：“我可不想把事情弄复杂了，只是不要忘记你的朋友们……”
“The point?” I reminded him.
“您的意思是？”我提示他。
A greater dilemma than the first. It took me a moment to find the right words. “Jacob might be… difficult.”
这个处境比头一个更让人左右为难，我花了好一会儿才找到适当的话：“雅各布可能……有些困难。”
It was a dilemma I was already struggling with. My friends. People who, for their own safety, I would never be able to see again after graduation.
我的朋友们，这也是我一直在挣扎、不知道如何是好的两难处境。我在毕业之后，为了他们自身的安全，那些人是我再也不能见到的。
“Well,” he said defensively. “If you’d had more of a life outside of Edward Cullen, it might not have been like that.”
“好吧，”他防卫性地说道，“要是你和爱德华？卡伦在一起的时间少一些，多一些别的生活，那样的事情也许就不会发生。”
So what was the better course of action? Spend time with them while I could? Or start the separation now to make it more gradual? I quailed at the idea of the second option.
那什么才算是更好的做法呢？在我能够做到的时候和他们一起度过？或者是现在就开始分离，让永别慢慢地到来？对于第二个选择我感到恐惧万分。
“… particularly Jacob,” Charlie added before I could think things through more than that.
“……特别是雅各布。”在我还没理清其他的头绪之前，查理又补充了一句。
“Maybe, maybe not.”
“或许是，或许不是。”
I flinched.
我不禁畏缩起来。
“Then why is it difficult?”
“那么为什么会很难？”
“Don’t you miss him at all?” Charlie asked, frustrated.
“难道你一点儿也不想念他？”查理问道，露出无可奈何的表情。
“I know that.”
“我知道。”
“The Blacks are practically family, Bella,” he said, stern and fatherly again. “And Jacob has been a very, very good friend to you.”
“布莱克一家实际上是我们的家人，贝拉，”他说道，又变得严厉而有父亲的威严起来，“而且雅各布对你而言是非常、非常好的朋友。”
My throat suddenly felt swollen; I had to clear it twice before I answered. “Yes, I do miss him,” I admitted, still looking down. “I miss him a lot.”
我的喉咙突然哽噎住了，在我回答之前我清了两次喉咙。“是的，我的确想念他，”我承认，不过我还是低着头，“我很想念他。”
“With Jacob there is a… conflict,” I said slowly. “A conflict about the friendship thing, I mean. Friendship doesn’t always seem to be enough for Jake.” I wound my excuse out of details that were true but insignificant, hardly crucial compared to the fact that Jacob’s werewolf pack bitterly hated Edward’s vampire family — and therefore me, too, as I fully intended to join that family. It just wasn’t something I could work out with him in a note, and he wouldn’t answer my calls. But my plan to deal with the werewolf in person had definitely not gone over well with the vampires.
“和雅各布在一起会有……冲突，”我慢慢地说出来，“我的意思是，这是有关友谊的冲突。对杰克而言，友谊似乎远远不够。”我缓缓地道出事情的原委，那些细节是真实而不重要的，与雅各布的狼人团体对爱德华的吸血鬼家族深恶痛绝的事实相比，这些都是无关紧要的。这不是我在一张便条上就能说清楚的事情，他也不愿意接听我的电话，但是我亲自和狼人处理此问题的计划肯定不会得到吸血鬼们的认同。
It wasn’t something I was at liberty to explain. It was against the rules for normal people — human people like me and Charlie — to know about the clandestine world full of myths and monsters that existed secretly around us. I knew all about that world — and I was in no small amount of trouble as a result. I wasn’t about to get Charlie in the same trouble.
这不是我能随意解释的事情，像我和查理这样的人类——了解这个神秘世界，这里充满各种各样的神话，还有许多偷偷地生活在我们周遭的魔鬼——这种事情违背了人之常情。我非常清楚地了解那个世界——而且结果我招来的麻烦也不少。我不能让查理也卷入同样的麻烦。
“You’re hurting Jake’s feelings, avoiding him like this. He’d rather be just friends than nothing.”
“像这样逃避他，你在伤害雅各布的感情。他只不过想做你的朋友，除此之外别无他求。”
“Isn’t Edward up for a little healthy competition?” Charlie’s voice was sarcastic now.
“难道爱德华没有准备好面对有益的竞争吗？”现在查理的语调变得讽刺起来。
I leveled a dark look at him. “There’s no competition.”
我抬头白了他一眼，说道：“根本没有竞争。”
The contrast between my words and tone broke through the tension. Charlie burst into laughter, and I had to join in.
我的言辞和语气之间的对比打破了紧张感，查理大笑起来，我也笑了起来。
“I’m happy now,” I growled fiercely through my teeth.
“我现在也很开心。”我激动地从牙缝中吼出这样的话来。
“And then you were always so happy after spending the day with Jake.” Charlie sighed.
“而且那个时候你和杰克一起玩耍之后总是很开心。”查理唉声叹气地说道。
“You and Billy gossip like old women,” I complained, stabbing my fork viciously into the congealed spaghetti on my plate.
“你和比利像老妇人那样说东道西，张家长李家短。”我一边抱怨，一边恶狠狠地把叉子叉进盘子里凝结在一起的意大利面团。
“Billy’s worried about Jacob,” Charlie said. “Jake’s having a hard time right now… He’s depressed.”
“比利很担心雅各布，”查理说，“杰克现在心情很糟糕……他垂头丧气，郁郁寡欢。”
“I’m pretty sure Jake doesn’t want to be friends at all.” The words burned in my mouth. “Where’d you get that idea, anyway?”
“我很确信杰克一点儿也不愿意再和我做朋友了。”这些滚烫的话语使我难以启齿，“到底是什么让您这样想的呢？”
Charlie looked embarrassed now. “The subject might have come up today with Billy…”
查理现在看起来有些尴尬了：“这个话题可能是我和比利在一起的时候提起来的……”
I winced, but kept my eyes on the blob.
我不自觉地退缩了，但是眼睛却紧紧盯着面团。
Oh, now I was avoiding him.
噢，现在变成我逃避他了？
“Okay, okay,” I agreed. “Balance.”
“好吧，好吧，”我答应道，“平衡。”
“Oh, just read it.”
“哦，读一读吧。”
“Good. Find that balance, Bella. And, oh, yeah, you’ve got some mail,” Charlie said, closing the subject with no attempt at subtlety. “It’s by the stove.”
“好极啦，找到平衡，贝拉。而且，噢，是的，你有一些信，”查理说道，轻松巧妙地结束了这个话题，“在炉子边上。”
Charlie shoved his chair away from the table and stretched as he got to his feet. He took his plate to the sink, but before he turned the water on to rinse it, he paused to toss a thick envelope at me. The letter skidded across the table and thunk ed into my elbow.
查理把椅子从桌边推开，起身的时候伸了伸腿。他把他的餐盘放进水池里，但是在打开水龙头洗盘子之前，他停了下来，把一个厚厚的信封抛给我。信封划过桌面，咚的一声飞到我的胳膊下面。
I didn’t move, my thoughts twisting into snarls around Jacob’s name. It was most likely junk mail; I’d just gotten a package from my mom yesterday and I wasn’t expecting anything else.
我没有动，我的思绪都纠结在一起狂乱地怒吼着雅各布的名字。这很可能是些垃圾邮件；我昨天已经收到了妈妈寄来的包裹，我没有期待还会有什么。
“And Jacob,” he insisted.
“还有雅各布。”他坚持道。
Charlie chuckled.
查理轻声地笑了笑。
I flipped the envelope over and then glared up at him. “It’s open.”
我翻过信封，接着愤怒地仰望着他：“打开过的。”
“I’ll try.”
“我会努力的。”
“Er, thanks,” I muttered, puzzled by his pushiness. Then I saw the return address — the letter was from the University of Alaska Southeast. “That was quick. I guess I missed the deadline on that one, too.”
“呃，谢谢，”我咕哝了一声，他如此热心令我迷惑不解，接着我看到了回信地址——信是从阿拉斯加东南大学寄过来的，“那倒是很快，我猜我也错过这个截止日期了。”
“I was curious.”
“我只是很好奇。”
“I’m shocked, Sheriff. That’s a federal crime.”
“我太震惊了，警长，这可是违反了联邦法律。”
Charlie frowned. “Some of these places are pretty pricey, Bells. I want to help. You don’t have to go to all the way to Alaska just because it’s cheaper.”
查理皱起了眉头：“这些地方有的很贵，贝儿，我想帮你一把。你没必要因为那里便宜些就要跑到阿拉斯加那么远的地方去。”
“So…” Charlie began, and then he pursed his lips and looked away.
“那么……”查理开始说话了，接着他嘟起嘴巴，目光看向一边。
“So what?”
“那么什么？”
“Nothing. I was just…” He frowned. “Just wondering what… Edward’s plans are for next year?”
“没什么，我只是……”他皱了皱眉，“只是想知道爱德华明年的计划……是什么？”
“We should talk about tuition. I’ve got some money saved up –“
“我们应该讨论学费的事情，我存了一些钱……”
“Hey, hey, none of that. I’m not touching your retirement, Dad. I’ve got my college fund.” What was left of it — and there hadn’t been much to begin with.
“嘿，嘿，想都别想。我才不要碰您的退休金，爸爸，我有自己的大学基金。”还剩下的基金——并没剩下多少可以开始我的大学生活了。
I pulled out the letter, and a folded schedule of courses.
我把信抽出来，折叠起来的是课程安排。
It wasn’t cheaper, not at all. But it was far away, and Juneau had an average of three hundred twenty-one overcast days per year. The first was my prerequisite, the second was Edward’s.
那里可不会更便宜，一点儿也不，但是那里很遥远，而且朱诺①平均每年有三百二十一天多云的天气。第一项是我的条件，而第二项则是爱德华的。
“Congratulations,” he said before I could read anything. “Your first acceptance.”
“祝贺你，”我还没来得及读他就说道，“你的第一封录取通知书。”
“I’ve got it covered. Besides, there’s lots of financial aid out there. It’s easy to get loans.” I hoped my bluff wasn’t too obvious. I hadn’t actually done a lot of research on the subject.
“我自己能付学费，此外，那里还有许多经济援助，很容易贷款。”我希望我的虚张声势不是太明显，实际上我还没怎么研究过这个问题。
“Thanks, Dad.”
“谢谢，爸爸。”
Three quick raps on the door saved me. Charlie rolled his eyes and I jumped up.
三下敲门的声音挽救了我，查理转了转眼睛，我则跳了起来。
“Coming!” I called while Charlie mumbled something that sounded like, “Go away.” I ignored him and went to let Edward in.
“进来！”我叫的时候听见查理嘴巴里咕咕哝哝地说了什么，听起来像“滚开”一样。我没管他，跑过去给爱德华开门。
“Well?”
“那么？”
I wrenched the door out of my way — ridiculously eager — and there he was, my personal miracle.
我猛地一把拉开面前的门——迫不及待得有些滑稽——他就站在那里，只是属于我个人的奇迹。
“Oh.”
“哦。”
Time had not made me immune to the perfection of his face, and I was sure that I would never take any aspect of him for granted. My eyes traced over his pale white features: the hard square of his jaw, the softer curve of his full lips — twisted up into a smile now, the straight line of his nose, the sharp angle of his cheekbones, the smooth marble span of his forehead — partially obscured by a tangle of rain-darkened bronze hair…
时间并没有让我对他完美无瑕的脸庞产生免疫力，我肯定我决不会把这方面视为理所当然的。我的眼睛扫过他灰白色的脸庞：坚硬的方下巴，厚实的嘴唇曲线柔和——现在变成了一抹微笑，鼻子的线条很笔直，颧骨棱角分明，额头光洁白皙，像大理石一般——一缕被雨水淋湿的金黄色头发挡在额角上。
I saved his eyes for last, knowing that when I looked into them I was likely to lose my train of thought. They were wide, warm with liquid gold, and framed by a thick fringe of black lashes. Staring into his eyes always made me feel extraordinary — sort of like my bones were turning spongy. I was also a little lightheaded, but that could have been because I’d forgotten to keep breathing. Again.
我最后才看着他的眼睛，要是我一直凝视着他的双眸，我极有可能会无法思考的。他有一双大大的金黄色眼睛，双眸流淌着暖意，周围是又浓又长的黑睫毛。凝视着他的双眼总会令我感到非比寻常——我的骨头就像变成海绵了一样。我也有点儿头昏眼花，不过那倒是有可能的，因为我忘记了要保持呼吸。这可不是第一次。
I reached for his hand, and sighed when his cold fingers found mine. His touch brought with it the strangest sense of relief — as if I’d been in pain and that pain had suddenly ceased.
我拉起他的手，当他冰冷的手指碰到我的手指时，我叹了叹气。他的触碰给我带来一阵最陌生的解脱感——好像我痛苦万分时感受到的那种痛苦突然停止了一般。
No. I didn’t believe that. I felt guilty for even thinking it, and was glad — as I was often glad — that I was the one person whose thoughts were a mystery to Edward.
不，我不信。哪怕想一想我都会感到内疚，也很高兴——正如我经常感到高兴一样——我是那个对爱德华而言神秘莫测的人。
It was a face any male model in the world would trade his soul for. Of course, that might be exactly the asking price: one soul.
这是一张世界上任何男模特都愿意拿灵魂去交换的脸，当然啦，这可能就是准确的索价：一个灵魂。
“Hey.” I smiled a little at my anticlimactic greeting.
“嗨。”我不禁对自己兴趣突减的打招呼方式笑了笑。
He raised our interlaced fingers to brush my cheek with the back of his hand. “How was your afternoon?”
他举起我们手指交错在一起的手，用他的手背轻轻地抚摸了一下我的脸颊：“下午过得怎么样？”
“Slow.”
“很漫长。”
He pulled my wrist up to his face, our hands still twisted together. His eyes closed as his nose skimmed along the skin there, and he smiled gently without opening them. Enjoying the bouquet while resisting the wine, as he’d once put it.
他把我的手腕举到脸庞，我们的手还是挽在一起。他的鼻子轻轻地滑过我的皮肤时闭起了眼睛，然后没有睁开眼就温柔地微笑起来。抵抗美酒的诱惑，品尝美酒的芳香，他曾经如是说。
“For me, as well.”
“对我也是如此。”
I knew that the scent of my blood — so much sweeter to him than any other person’s blood, truly like wine beside water to an alcoholic — caused him actual pain from the burning thirst it engendered. But he didn’t seem to shy away from it as much as he once had. I could only dimly imagine the Herculean effort behind this simple gesture.
我知道我的血液的味道——与其他人的血相比对他而言更加甜美，的确就像嗜酒如命的人面前的美酒和水一样——由此而产生灼烧的干渴实际上会令他痛苦不堪，但是他好像不再像以前那样逃避它了。我只能模模糊糊地想象出在这个简单的动作背后，他所做出的努力就像赫尔克里斯那样巨大。
I heard Charlie approaching then, stamping his feet on the way to express his customary displeasure with our guest. Edward’s eyes snapped open and he let our hands fall, keeping them twined.
接着我听见查理向我们走过来的声音，他的脚重重地踩在地上，用以表达他对我们的客人一贯的不悦之情。爱德华的眼睛突然睁开了，他放下我们的手，却仍然紧紧地握着我的手。
“Good evening, Charlie.” Edward was always flawlessly polite, though Charlie didn’t deserve it.
“晚上好，查理。”爱德华的彬彬有礼总是完美无缺的，尽管查理配不上这样的对待。
Charlie grunted at him, and then stood there with his arms crossed over his chest. He was taking the idea of parental supervision to extremes lately.
查理冲他哼了一声，接着双臂交叉环抱在胸前站在那里，最近他行使父亲监护权的想法有些过头了。
I groaned. How were there any colleges left that he hadn’t forced me to apply to already? And how did he keep finding these loophole openings? It was so late in the year.
我抱怨了起来，怎么还剩那么多他没强迫我申请的大学啊？他又是怎么找到这些还有空缺的学校的啊？今年已经太迟了。
“I brought another set of applications,” Edward told me then, holding up a stuffed manila envelope. He was wearing a roll of stamps like a ring around his littlest finger.
“我带来一些申请表格。”爱德华接着告诉我，手中举起一个塞得满满的牛皮信封。一卷邮票套在他的小手指上，像戴着戒指一样。
He smiled as if he could read my thoughts; they must have been very obvious on my face. “There are still a few open deadlines. And a few places willing to make exceptions.”
他微笑起来仿佛能看穿我的心思一样，我的想法肯定清楚地写在我脸上了：“仍然还有几个学校没到截止日期。有些地方还是有所例外的，愿意网开一面。”
It made me sad that he had to try so hard. I comforted myself with the knowledge that I wouldn’t be causing him pain much longer.
他不得不那么努力地控制自己，这使我感到伤心不已。我知道我带给他痛苦的时间不会太久了，想到这一点会让我好过一些。
Edward laughed at my expression.
爱德华看着我的表情大笑起来。
I could just imagine the motivations behind such exceptions. And the dollar amounts involved.
我能想象出这些例外背后的动机，当然是因为钱的关系。
Charlie huffed and followed behind, though he could hardly complain about the activity on tonight’s agenda. He’d been pestering me to make a decision about college on a daily basis.
查理气急败坏地跟在后面，尽管他几乎没法抱怨今晚的活动安排。他每天都催我赶快作决定上哪所大学，这令我懊恼不已。
“Shall we?” he asked, towing me toward the kitchen table.
“我们开始吗？”他询问道，拖着我来到厨房的餐桌边上。
“Speaking of college applications, Edward,” Charlie said, his tone even more sullen — he tried to avoid addressing Edward directly, and when he had to, it exacerbated his bad mood. “Bella and I were just talking about next year. Have you decided where you’re going to school?”
“说到大学申请，爱德华，”查理说，他的语气甚至更加愠怒了——他试图避免直接与爱德华说话，当他不得不说话的时候，就使他本来就很恶劣的心情变得更加糟糕了，“贝拉和我刚才正在讨论明年的事情，你决定到哪里去上学了吗？”
I cleared the table quickly while Edward organized an intimidating stack of forms. When I moved Wuthering Heights to the counter, Edward raised one eyebrow. I knew what he was thinking, but Charlie interrupted before Edward could comment.
我迅速地整理了餐桌，而爱德华则整理好了一沓令人望而生畏的表格。当我把《呼啸山庄》挪到灶台上去的时候，爱德华的眉毛挑了起来。我知道他在想什么，但是爱德华还没来得及评论就被查理打断了。
Edward smiled up at Charlie and his voice was friendly. “Not yet. I’ve received a few acceptance letters, but I’m still weighing my options.”
爱德华抬起头微笑着看着查理，然后语气友善地说：“还没有，我已经收到几封录取通知书，但是我还在考虑我的选择。”
Charlie’s eyes narrowed and he glared back and forth between the two of us. “Fine,” he muttered after a minute. “I’m going to go watch the game, Bella. Nine-thirty.”
查理眯起眼睛，来回地盯着我俩，“好极了，”一会儿之后他才低声说道，“贝拉，我要去看球赛了，九点半。”
That was his usual parting command.
那是他通常送客的时间。
“Congratulations!” He grinned. “What a coincidence.”
“祝贺你！”爱德华露齿而笑起来，“真是巧合啊！”
“Syracuse… Harvard… Dartmouth… and I just got accepted to the University of Alaska Southeast today.” Edward turned his face slightly to the side so that he could wink at me. I stifled a giggle.
“锡拉丘兹……哈佛……达特茅斯，我今天刚刚收到阿拉斯加东南大学的录取通知书。”爱德华把脸稍稍地转向旁边，这样他就可以对我眨眨眼睛了，我抑制住咯咯笑起来的冲动。
“Where have you been accepted?” Charlie pressed.
“哪些学校录取你了？”查理追问道。
I pointed to the thick envelope on the counter. “I just got my acceptance to the University of Alaska!”
我指着台子上厚厚的信封说道：“我刚刚收到阿拉斯加东南大学的录取通知书。”
“Hmph.”
“嗯。”
“What, Bella?”
“是什么，贝拉？”
“Carlisle’s always fine with whatever I choose to do,” Edward told him serenely.
“卡莱尔一直都很尊重我的决定。”爱德华严肃地告诉他。
“Guess what, Edward?” I asked in a bright voice, playing along.
“猜猜是什么，爱德华？”我和他开起玩笑来，高兴地问道。
“Harvard? Dartmouth?” Charlie mumbled, unable to conceal his awe. “Well that’s pretty… that’s something. Yeah, but the University of Alaska… you wouldn’t really consider that when you could go Ivy League. I mean, your father would want you to…”
“哈佛？达特茅斯？”查理咕哝道，无法掩饰他的崇敬之情，“噢，那倒是……倒是很了不起。是的，但是阿拉斯加大学……你能上常春藤学院①时，不会考虑这个吧，我的意思是，你父亲肯定希望你……”
I frowned at my dad, but he didn’t see.
我对着我爸爸皱了皱眉头，但是他看都没看。
He made an effort to unclench his teeth. “I don’t want you going to Seattle right now.”
他努力松开牙齿：“现在我不准你去西雅图。”
But Charlie growled, “No!” and his face flushed purple.
但是查理咆哮起来：“不行！”他的脸都气绿了。
“Conditionally,” Charlie corrected through his teeth. “What’s it to you?”
“是有条件的。”查理咬着牙纠正道，“这跟你有什么关系？”
He sighed. “Right. Okay, ten-thirty. You still have a curfew on school nights.”
他叹气道：“是的，好吧，十点半。上学的晚上你还是要宵禁的。”
“Bella’s no longer grounded?” Edward asked. Though I knew he wasn’t really surprised, I couldn’t detect any false note to the sudden excitement in his voice.
“贝拉不再关禁闭了？”爱德华问道。尽管我知道他并不是真的惊讶，但是对于这突如其来的兴奋，我无法从他的声音里找出任何虚假的蛛丝马迹。
“Dad! What’s the problem?”
“爸爸！到底怎么啦？”
“Er, Dad? Remember the very recent discussion about my freedom…”
“呃，爸爸？您还记得我们刚刚谈过的我的自由……”
“It’s just good to know,” Edward said. “Alice has been itching for a shopping partner, and I’m sure Bella would love to see some city lights.” He smiled at me.
“只不过知道了也很开心，”爱德华说，“爱丽丝心痒痒地一直想要有人陪她去购物呢，我肯定贝拉一定想去看看城里的灯光。”他对我笑着说。
“I told you about that story in the paper — there’s some kind of gang on a killing spree in Seattle and I want you to steer clear, okay?”
“我跟你讲过报纸上的报道——西雅图现在有暴徒正在疯狂地杀人，我要你离那里远一点儿，知道吗？”
“Huh?”
“嗯？”
I rolled my eyes. “Dad, there’s a better chance that I’ll get struck by lightning than that the one day I’m in Seattle –“
我转了转眼睛，说道：“爸爸，我被雷电击死的可能性都要比有一天我在西雅图……的可能性大。”
“No, that’s fine, Charlie,” Edward said, interrupting me. “I didn’t mean Seattle. I was thinking Portland, actually. I wouldn’t have Bella in Seattle, either. Of course not.”
“别说了，没关系，查理，”爱德华打断我说道，“我不是说西雅图，实际上我想的是波特兰，我也不会让贝拉到西雅图去的，当然不会。”
He must have been trying to appease my father. The idea of being in danger from even the most deadly of humans while I was with Alice or Edward was downright hilarious.
他准是为了让我爸爸息怒才这样说的。想到我和爱丽丝或爱德华在一起时正身处对人类而言最致命的危险之中，这让人感到趣味十足。
It worked. Charlie stared at Edward for one second more, and then shrugged. “Fine.” He stalked off toward the living room, in a bit of a hurry now — maybe he didn’t want to miss tip-off.
这很奏效，查理又盯着爱德华好一会儿之后才耸耸肩说道：“好吧。”他悻悻然地踱进了起居室，现在倒有一点儿着急了——或许他不想错过中圈跳球。
Charlie must still be listening. I sighed and started to fill out the repetitive information: name, address, social… After a few minutes I glanced up, but Edward was now staring pensively out the window. As I bent my head back to my work, I noticed for the first time the name of the school.
查理肯定还在听我们讲话。我叹了叹气，开始填这些重复的信息：姓名、地址、社会……几分钟后我向上望了一眼，不过爱德华现在正若有所思地凝视着窗外。当我低下头重新填写表格的时候，我第一次注意到学校的名字。
I looked at him in disbelief, but he had Charlie’s newspaper in his hands and he was reading the front page intently.
我难以置信地看着他，但是他手中拿着查理的报纸，正专心地看着头版新闻呢。
I waited till the TV was on, so that Charlie wouldn’t be able to hear me.
我等他打开电视机，这样查理就不会听见我说话了。
“What –” I started to ask.
“讲了些什么……”我开始问。
“Hold on,” Edward said without looking up from the paper. His eyes stayed focused on the page as he pushed the first application toward me across the table. “I think you can recycle your essays for this one. Same questions.”
“等等，”爱德华说话的时候继续看着报纸，没有抬头，他把第一份申请推到桌子这边给我的时候眼睛仍然注视着报纸头版，“我想这一份可以重复利用你的论文，都是一样的问题。”
I snorted and shoved the papers aside.
我哼了一声，一把推开他在看的报纸。
Edward lifted the discarded application and laid it gently in front of me again. “I think you’d like New Hampshire,” he said. “There’s a full complement of night courses for me, and the forests are very conveniently located for the avid hiker. Plentiful wildlife.” He pulled out the crooked smile he knew I couldn’t resist.
爱德华拿起被我丢弃的申请表，轻轻地把它放回到我面前，“我想你会喜欢新罕布什尔的，”他说，“那里有许多适合我的晚上补充课程，附近的森林对贪婪的徒步旅行者而言也很方便。那里有丰富的野生生物。”他知道我对此无法抗拒，就立即恢复了脸上狡黠的微笑。
“Bella?”
“贝拉？”
“Be serious, Edward. Dartmouth.”
“认真一点儿，爱德华，你要我申请达特茅斯？”
I took a deep breath through my nose.
我从鼻孔里深深地吸了一口气。
“Like I could even get in without some enormous bribe. Or was that part of the loan? The new Cullen wing of the library? Ugh. Why are we having this discussion again?”
“好像我不用大笔贿赂就可以进去一样，或者那是贷款的一部分？还是图书馆又在卡伦家的势力之内了？呃，为什么我们又讨论起这个话题了？”
“Will you just fill out the application, please, Bella? It won’t hurt you to apply.”
“请你填写好这份申请，好吗？求你了，贝拉，填写申请不会让你受伤害的。”
“I’ll let you pay me back, if that makes you happy,” he promised. “If you want, I can charge you interest.”
“我得让你偿还的，要是那样让你开心的话，”他允诺说，“如果你想要的话，我会收你利息的。”
My jaw flexed. “You know what? I don’t think I will.”
我收紧下巴：“你知道吗？我认为我不会。”
I reached for the papers, planning to crumple them into a suitable shape for lobbing at the trashcan, but they were already gone. I stared at the empty table for a moment, and then at Edward. He didn’t appear to have moved, but the application was probably already tucked away in his jacket.
我伸手去拿申请表格，打算把它们揉成适合扔进垃圾桶的形状，但是它们已经不见了。我盯着空空如也的桌面看了好一会儿，接着又看看爱德华。他似乎并没有移动过，但是申请表很可能已经藏在他的夹克里了。
“I sign your name better than you do yourself. You’ve already written the essays.”
“我签你的名字比你自己签得还要好，你已经写好文章了。”
“Don’t start. I agree that I need to go through the motions for Charlie’s sake, but we both know I’m not going to be in any condition to go to school next fall. To be anywhere near people.”
“别开始争论，我同意，为了查理，我需要仔细地思考这些提议，但是我们俩都知道明年秋天无论如何我都不会上学了，也不会去任何离人群很近的地方。”
“What are you doing?” I demanded.
“你在做什么？”我责问道。
“You’re going way overboard with this, you know.” I whispered on the off chance that Charlie wasn’t completely lost in his game. “I really don’t need to apply anywhere else. I’ve been accepted in Alaska. I can almost afford the first semester’s tuition. It’s as good an alibi as any. There’s no need to throw away a bunch of money, no matter whose it is.”
“你对此做得有些过头了，你知道的。”我轻声地说道，查理完全沉迷在球赛中的可能性极小，“我真的不想申请其他学校，我已经被阿拉斯加录取了。我几乎能负担起第一学期的学费，做那里的校友和做其他学校的校友都一样。没有必要扔一大笔钱在这上面，不管是谁的钱。”
A pained looked tightened his face. “Bella –“
痛苦的神情使他的脸庞紧绷起来：“贝拉——”
“I thought the timing was still undecided,” Edward reminded me softly. “You might enjoy a semester or two of college. There are a lot of human experiences you’ve never had.”
“我以为时间尚未确定，”爱德华温柔地提醒我说，“你可能会开心地度过一两个学期的大学生活，你还有许多人类的经历没有体验过呢。”
My knowledge of those first few years as a new vampire was sketchy. Edward had never gone into details — it wasn’t his favorite subject — but I knew it wasn’t pretty. Self-control was apparently an acquired skill. Anything more than correspondence school was out of the question.
我对新生吸血鬼头几年的生活知之不多。爱德华从来都没跟我讲得很具体——这不是他最喜欢的话题——但是我知道这段经历肯定不会好到哪里去。自制显而易见是一项后天习得的技能，除了函授学校以外的任何学校都是不可能的。
“I’ll get to those afterward.”
“之后我会接触到的。”
“They won’t be human experiences afterward. You don’t get a second chance at humanity, Bella.”
“之后就不会是人类经历了，你不会再有第二次机会成为人类的，贝拉。”
I sighed. “You’ve got to be reasonable about the timing, Edward. It’s just too dangerous to mess around with.”
我叹气道：“你在确定时间上要讲道理，爱德华，浪费时间简直太危险了。”
“There’s no danger yet,” he insisted.
“才没有危险呢。”爱德华坚持道。
I glared at him. No danger? Sure. I only had a sadistic vampire trying to avenge her mate’s death with my own, preferably through some slow and torturous method. Who was worried about Victoria? And, oh yeah, the Volturi — the vampire royal family with their small army of vampire warriors — who insisted that my heart stop beating one way or another in the near future, because humans weren’t allowed to know they existed. Right. No reason at all to panic.
我怒视着他。没有危险？当然啦。我不过是面临着被一个肆虐成性的吸血鬼报复的危险罢了，她想要用我的命换她的配偶的命，而且最好是采用某种慢慢折磨的方法置我于死地。谁会担心维多利亚吗？噢，是的，还有沃尔图里家族——吸血鬼中的皇室家族，他们还有一小支吸血鬼军队——他们坚持要求在不久的未来让我的心脏以这样或那样的方式停止跳动，因为他们不允许人类知道他们的存在，完全没有理由感到惊慌失措。
Even with Alice keeping watch — Edward was relying on her uncannily accurate visions of the future to give us advance warning — it was insane to take chances.
即使爱丽丝一直在密切地监视——爱德华现在正依靠她对未来神秘的预测力以提前给我们警示呢——冒一冒险也是疯狂的举动。
Besides, I’d already won this argument. The date for my transformation was tentatively set for shortly after my graduation from high school, only a handful of weeks away.
此外，我已经赢得了这场辩论，我转化的日期已经初步拟定在我高中毕业后不久了，离现在只不过是几周的时间了。
“I want to hurry,” I whispered, smiling weakly, trying to make a joke of it. “I want to be a monster, too.”
“我想要快一点儿，”我小声说道，虚弱地微笑起来想要开个玩笑，“我也想当魔鬼。”
A sharp jolt of unease pierced my stomach as I realized how short the time really was. Of course this change was necessary — and the key to what I wanted more than everything else in the world put together — but I was deeply conscious of Charlie sitting in the other room enjoying his game, just like every other night. And my mother, Renee, far away in sunny Florida, still pleading with me to spend the summer on the beach with her and her new husband. And Jacob, who, unlike my parents, would know exactly what was going on when I disappeared to some distant school. Even if my parents didn’t grow suspicious for a long time, even if I could put off visits with excuses about travel expenses or study loads or illnesses, Jacob would know the truth.
当我意识到余下的时间是如此短暂之时，一记刺骨的重击穿透我的胃，令我痛彻心扉。当然这种改变是必要的——把世界上所有其他的东西都放在一起也比不过我最想要的东西，而这就是通向它的钥匙——但是我深深地意识到查理还坐在另一个房间看球赛，就像其他夜晚一样，而我的母亲蕾妮在遥远的阳光灿烂的佛罗里达，仍然在请求我与她和她的新婚丈夫一起共度夏天呢。还有雅各布，他不像我的父母那样，要是我消失到某个遥远的学校，他会千真万确地知道到底发生了什么事儿。即使我父母在很长一段时间不起疑心，即使我找到借口推辞去看望他们，如昂贵的旅费或功课紧或生病了，雅各布还是会知道真相的。
For a moment, the idea of Jacob’s certain revulsion overshadowed every other pain.
有一会儿，雅各布必定会对那时的我感到厌恶的念头超过了其他的痛苦。
“Bella,” Edward murmured, his face twisting when he read the distress in mine. “There’s no hurry. I won’t let anyone hurt you. You can take all the time you need.”
“贝拉，”爱德华小声叫道，当他看见我脸上的痛苦表情时，他的脸上也露出痛苦的神色，“不用着急，我不会让任何人伤害你的，你可以根据自己的需要慢慢来。”
DEATH TOLL ON THE RISE, POLICE FEAR GANG ACTIVITY.
死亡人数攀升，警察认为可能是团伙行凶。
His teeth clenched; he spoke through them. “You have no idea what you’re saying.” Abruptly, he flung the damp newspaper onto the table in between us. His finger stabbed the headline on the front page:
他的牙齿咬在一起，透过牙缝说道：“你根本不知道自己在说什么。”突然，他把潮湿的报纸摔在我们两人之间的桌子上，手指指着头版上的大标题：
I stared at the headline again, and then up to his hard expression. “A… a vampire is doing this?” I whispered.
我盯着标题又看了看，接着望着他僵硬的表情，“是个……是个吸血鬼做的？”我轻声问道。
“Monsters are not a joke, Bella.”
“魔鬼可不是笑话，贝拉。”
“What does that have to do with anything?”
“这和别的事情又有什么关系？”
I let my gaze drop to the paper again, avoiding his eyes.
我让自己的视线再次回到报纸上，避开他的眼睛。
“We’ve been monitoring the situation for a few weeks. All the signs are there — the unlikely disappearances, always in the night, the poorly disposed-of corpses, the lack of other evidence… Yes, someone brand-new. And no one seems to be taking responsibility for the neophyte…” He took a deep breath. “Well, it’s not our problem. We wouldn’t even pay attention to the situation if wasn’t going on so close to home. Like I said, this happens all the time. The existence of monsters results in monstrous consequences.”
“我们几个星期以来一直都在监视情况。所有的迹象都有——不太可能的失踪，总是在晚上，处理不当的尸体，缺少其他证据……是的，他刚刚诞生。似乎还没有人对这个新手负责……”他深吸了一口气，继续说道，“好吧，那不是我们的问题。要是这件事离我们家没那么近的话，我们根本不会注意这些消息。正如我所说的，这样的事情一直都在发生，魔鬼的存在导致狰狞恐怖的后果。”
He smiled without humor. His voice was low and cold. “You’d be surprised, Bella, at how often my kind are the source behind the horrors in your human news. It’s easy to recognize, when you know what to look for. The information here indicates a newborn vampire is loose in Seattle. Bloodthirsty, wild, out of control. The way we all were.”
他心情全无地笑了笑，声音低沉而冷淡地说道：“在这些让人们恐惧万分的消息背后，你会惊讶地发现我的同类才是真正的罪魁祸首，贝拉。当你知道该看哪些内容时，就很容易辨认了。这里的信息表明一个新生吸血鬼正在西雅图胡作非为，无人管束。他嗜血成性，狂躁不安，不受控制，这也是我们以前经历过的。”
Edward snorted, breaking the tension. “Penguins. Lovely.”
爱德华不以为然地大笑起来，缓解了紧张的气氛：“企鹅，很可爱。”
I laughed a shaky laugh and knocked the paper off the table so I wouldn’t have to see those names; it hit the linoleum with a thud. Of course Edward would consider the hunting possibilities. He and his “vegetarian” family — all committed to protecting human life — preferred the flavor of large predators for satisfying their dietary needs. “Alaska, then, as planned. Only somewhere much more remote than Juneau — somewhere with grizzlies galore.”
我局促不安地大笑起来，然后把报纸塞到桌子下面去，这样我就不必看见那些名字了；报纸嘭的一声掉在亚麻油毡上。当然，爱德华要考虑狩猎的可能性，他和他的“素食主义”家庭——都致力于保护人类——宁愿用大型食肉动物的味道来满足他们饮食的需要。“那么，按计划就选阿拉斯加吧，只是在比朱诺更偏僻的地方——那里才有大量的灰熊。”
I tried not to see the names on the page, but they jumped out from the rest of the print like they were in bold. The five people whose lives were over, whose families were mourning now. It was different from considering murder in the abstract, reading those names. Maureen Gardiner, Geoffrey Campbell, Grace Razi, Michelle O’Connell, Ronald Albrook. People who’d had parents and children and friends and pets and jobs and hopes and plans and memories and futures…
我努力让自己别去看页面上的名字，但是他们仿佛是粗体字一样从报纸里面跳了出来。五个已经失去生命的人，他们的家人现在正悲伤不已，读这些名字并不同于想到那些理论上的谋杀。莫林·加迪勒、杰弗里·坎普贝尔，格雷斯·拉茨，米歇尔·欧康内尔，罗纳德·阿尔布鲁克，这些人有自己的父母、孩子、朋友、宠物、工作、希望、计划、回忆，还有未来……
“It won’t be the same for me,” I whispered, half to myself. “You won’t let me be like that. We’ll live in Antarctica.”
“我会不一样的，”我小声说道，多半是说给自己听的，“你不会让我成为这个样子的，我们会住在南极。”
“Please forgive my thoughtlessness,” he said, still very formal. “I shouldn’t have suggested that.”
“请原谅我考虑不周，”他说道，语气很正式，“我不该提出这样的建议。”
“What’s wrong?” he asked. Before I could recover, the confusion vanished and his whole body seemed to harden. “Oh. Never mind the wolves, then, if the idea is offensive to you.” His voice was stiff, formal, his shoulders rigid.
“怎么啦？”他问道。在我还没恢复之前，他迷惑不解的表情就已经消失了，整个身体似乎也僵硬起来，“哦，那么，别担心狼，要是这个主意冒犯到你的话。”他的声音很生硬，也很正式，而且他的肩膀僵硬。
“Better,” he allowed. “There are polar bears, too. Very fierce. And the wolves get quite large.”
“那样更好，”他准许道，“那里还有北极熊，非常凶猛，而且狼也很大。”
My mouth fell open and my breath blew out in a sharp gust.
我张开嘴巴，猛地吐出一口气。
“I know. I know it’s not the same thing. I shouldn’t have reacted that way. It’s just that… well, I was already thinking about Jacob before you came over.” I hesitated. His tawny eyes seemed to get a little bit darker whenever I said Jacob’s name. My voice turned pleading in response. “Charlie says Jake is having a hard time. He’s hurting right now, and… it’s my fault.”
“我知道，我知道这不是同一件事，我不应该有这样的反应的。只不过……好吧，在你还没来之前我就在想雅各布了，”我吞吞吐吐地说出来，无论何时我提到雅各布的名字，他黄褐色的眼眸似乎都会变得更黑，我的声音条件反射般地变成了请求，“查理说杰克现在很难过，他现在很受伤，而且……这是我的错。”
“Don’t worry about it.” I stared at my hands, clenched into a double fist on the table.
“别担心。”我盯着自己的双手，捏成拳放在桌子上。
“Sorry. Really.”
“对不起，真的。”
We were both silent for a moment, and then his cool finger was under my chin, coaxing my face up. His expression was much softer now.
我们都沉默了一会儿，接着他把冰冷的手指放在我的下巴下面，诱惑我抬起头来，现在他的表情柔和多了。
“He was my best friend, Edward,” I muttered. It stung to use the past tense. “Of course the idea offends me.”
“他曾是我最好的朋友，爱德华。”我喃喃道，用过去时刺痛了我，“这个想法当然会冒犯到我。”
His face changed while I spoke, turning hard again, statue-like.
我说话的时候他的脸色变了，又变得僵硬起来，像雕像一样。
“You know it’s out of the question for you to be around a werewolf unprotected, Bella. And it would break the treaty if any of us cross over onto their land. Do you want us to start a war?”
“你知道让你一个人不受任何保护地待在狼人的身边是绝不可能的，贝拉。而且，要是我们当中任何一个越界跑到他们的领地上都会打破条约，你想要我们开战吗？”
“You’ve done nothing wrong, Bella.”
“你没做错什么，贝拉。”
I took a deep breath. “I need to make it better, Edward. I owe him that. And it’s one of Charlie’s conditions, anyway –“
我深吸了一口气，说道：“我需要让情况好转，爱德华，我欠他的。这也是查理的条件之一，不管怎样——”
“Then there’s really no point in discussing the matter further.” He dropped his hand and looked away, searching for a subject change. His eyes paused on something behind me, and he smiled, though his eyes stayed wary.
“那么，再谈论此事就没有意义了。”他放下手，把脸转过去，在寻找话题转变。他的眼神停留在我身后的什么东西上，然后他微笑起来，尽管他的眼睛还是很警觉。
“Of course not!”
“当然不！”
“I’m glad Charlie has decided to let you out — you’re sadly in need of a visit to the bookstore. I can’t believe you’re reading Wuthering Heights again. Don’t you know it by heart yet?”
“我很高兴查理决定让你出门了——你不可救药地急需到书店看一看了。我不敢相信你又在看《呼啸山庄》了，难道你还没有背下来吗？”
“Photographic memory or not, I don’t understand why you like it. The characters are ghastly people who ruin each others’ lives. I don’t know how Heathcliff and Cathy ended up being ranked with couples like Romeo and Juliet or Elizabeth Bennet and Mr. Darcy. It isn’t a love story, it’s a hate story.”
“不管是不是精确持久的记忆，我不了解你为什么喜欢这本书，书中的人物都是那种毁灭彼此生活的人。我不知道希斯克里夫和凯茜怎么会成为和罗密欧与朱丽叶，或伊丽莎白？班纳特与达西先生那样齐名的一对的。这不是爱情故事，而是仇恨故事。”
“Not all of us have photographic memories,” I said curtly.
“并不是所有人都有精确持久的记忆。”我敷衍了事地回答道。
“Perhaps it’s because I’m not impressed by antiquity.” He smiled, evidently satisfied that he’d distracted me. “Honestly, though, why do you read it over and over?” His eyes were vivid with real interest now, trying — again — to unravel the convoluted workings of my mind. He reached across the table to cradle my face in his hand. “What is it that appeals to you?”
“或许是因为我不会被古老的东西打动吧，”他微笑着说，显然他很满意于分散了我的注意力，“不过，老实说，你为什么要一遍又一遍地读呢？”现在他的眼睛又流露出饶有兴趣的眼神，试图——又一次——分散盘旋在我脑海中的思绪，他把手伸过桌子这边，用手捧住我的脸，“是什么吸引着你？”
“You have some serious issues with the classics,” I snapped.
“你对于经典作品颇有些看法。”我厉声说道。
His sincere curiosity disarmed me. “I’m not sure,” I said, scrambling for coherency while his gaze unintentionally scattered my thoughts. “I think it’s something about the inevitability. How nothing can keep them apart — not her selfishness, or his evil, or even death, in the end…”
他真诚的好奇心消除了我的疑虑，“我也不确定，”我说，当他的凝视不经意地分散我的思绪的时候，我勉强保持着前后一致，“我想是某种不可避免的东西吧。任何东西也不能拆散他们——她的自私自利，或者是他的邪恶，甚至是死亡，最后……”
“I think that may be the point,” I disagreed. “Their love is their only redeeming quality.”
“我认为这可能是重点，”我不同意。他们的爱是他们唯一的救赎本质。”
His face was thoughtful as he considered my words. After a moment he smiled a teasing smile. “I still think it would be a better story if either of them had one redeeming quality.”
当他思考我所说的话的时候，脸色变得若有所思起来。过了一会儿，他又打趣地冲我笑了笑：“我还是认为要是他们当中任何一个有种救赎的本质的话，这个故事会更好。”
“I hope you have better sense than that — to fall in love with someone so… malignant.”
“我希望你能对此有更好的理解——爱上一个如此……致命的人。”
He laughed quietly. “I’m glad you think so.”
他平静地大笑起来：“我很高兴你这样认为。”
“It’s a bit late for me to worry about who I fall in love with,” I pointed out. “But even without the warning, I seem to have managed fairly well.”
“对我而言，担心和谁相恋已经太晚了，”我指出，“但是，即使没有警告，我看我也做得还不错。”
“Well, I hope you’re smart enough to stay away from someone so selfish. Catherine is really the source of all the trouble, not Heathcliff.”
“好吧，我希望你会聪明些，离这么自私的人远一些。凯瑟琳，而不是希斯克里夫，才是所有麻烦的真正源泉。”
I put my hand over his to hold it to my face. “I need to see Jacob.”
我把手放在他的上面，然后握住他的手抚摸我的脸：“我需要见一见雅各布。”
His eyes closed. “No.”
他闭上双眼：“不行！”
“It’s truly not dangerous at all,” I said, pleading again. “I used to spend all day in La Push with the whole lot of them, and nothing ever happened.”
“真的一点儿也不危险，”我再次恳请他道，“我以前常常在拉普西和他们大家一待就是一整天，什么也不曾发生过。”
I sighed. He was so good at distractions.
我叹了叹气。他如此擅长于转移我的注意力。
“I’ll be on my guard,” he promised.
“我会警惕的。”他答应道。
But I made a slip; my voice faltered at the end because I realized as I was saying the words that they were a lie. It was not true that nothing had ever happened. A brief flash of memory — an enormous gray wolf crouched to spring, baring his dagger-like teeth at me — had my palms sweating with an echo of remembered panic.
但是我漏掉了一点，最后我的声音有些结巴，因为我意识到我所说的话都是谎言。什么都不曾发生过，这不是真的。一闪而过的回忆——一匹巨大的灰狼蹲伏着准备起跳，匕首般的牙齿冲着我狂叫——紧张得我手心流汗，应和着我记忆中的痛苦。
Edward heard my heart accelerate and nodded as if I’d acknowledged the lie aloud. “Werewolves are unstable. Sometimes, the people near them get hurt. Sometimes, they get killed.”
爱德华听见我心跳加速的声音，点了点头，仿佛我大声地承认自己在撒谎一样：“狼人很不稳定，有时候，靠近它们的人会受伤，有时候，会被它们杀死。”
“You don’t know them,” I whispered.
“你不认识他们。”我小声说道。
“I know them better than you think, Bella. I was here the last time.”
“我比你认为的更了解他们，贝拉，上次我就在那里。”
I wanted to deny it, but another image slowed my rebuttal. I saw in my head the once beautiful face of Emily Young, now marred by a trio of dark scars that dragged down the corner of her right eye and left her mouth warped forever into a lopsided scowl.
我想要否认这一点，但是另一个影像使我的反驳放慢下来。我脑海中浮现出艾米莉？杨曾经美丽的脸庞，现在却变成了三个深色的伤疤，向下拉扯着她的右眼角，使她的嘴唇变成永远不对称的怒容。
He waited, grimly triumphant, for me to find my voice.
他等待着我能开口说话，他那胜利的表情让人感到残忍。
“We started crossing paths with the wolves about seventy years ago… We had just settled near Hoquiam. That was before Alice and Jasper were with us. We outnumbered them, but that wouldn’t have stopped it from turning into a fight if not for Carlisle. He managed to convince Ephraim Black that coexisting was possible, and eventually we made the truce.”
“我们大概在七十年前开始和狼人们划分疆界……那时候我们刚刚在霍奎厄姆附近安顿下来。那还是在爱丽丝和贾斯帕来到我们家以前，我们比他们人多，但是，要不是卡莱尔的话，人数多也不可能阻止事情演变成一场战争。他成功地使伊弗列姆？布莱克相信共存是可能的，而且最终我们缔结了休战协定。”
“The last time?”
“上一次？”
“We thought the line had died out with Ephraim,” Edward muttered; it sounded like he was talking to himself now. “That the genetic quirk which allowed the transmutation had been lost…” He broke off and stared at me accusingly. “Your bad luck seems to get more potent every day. Do you realize that your insatiable pull for all things deadly was strong enough to recover a pack of mutant canines from extinction? If we could bottle your luck, we’d have a weapon of mass destruction on our hands.”
“我们原本以为这条血脉在伊弗列姆这里就断绝了，”爱德华小声地咕哝道，听起来他现在好像是在自言自语，“那种由于奇怪的遗传因素导致突变的事情已经很久没有发生过了……”他停顿了一下，责备地盯着我说，“你的霉运似乎每天都在变得更加强大。你意识到你那种把所有事情牵扯到一起的致命拉力有多么强大吗？它竟然大得足以让已经灭绝的变异狼群恢复突变。如果我们能够用瓶子装满你的霉运，我们手中就掌握了造成大规模毁灭性的武器。”
Jacob’s great-grandfather’s name startled me.
雅各布曾祖父的名字令我惊呆了。
“Interesting, but not exactly relevant,” he murmured after a moment. “The situation remains the same.”
“很有趣，但并不十分相关，”他过了一会儿小声说道，“情况还是一样。”
“Theory,” I scoffed.
“理论，”我不屑地说。
“Edward, look at the facts. Seventy years ago, you came here, and the werewolves showed up. You come back now, and the werewolves show up again. Do you think that’s a coincidence?”
“爱德华，看看事实，七十年前，你们来到这里，狼人们就出现了，现在你们回来了，狼人们又出现了，你认为这只是巧合？”
“Jacob told me that your family being here set things in motion. I thought you would already know…”
“雅各布告诉我你们住在这里使情况发生了变化，我以为你已经知道了……”
His eyes narrowed. “Is that what they think?”
他眯起眼睛：“那是他们所认为的吗？”
“Know what?”
“知道什么？”
I could translate that easily enough: no werewolf friends.
我能毫不费力地听懂他的言外之意：狼人们不是朋友。
“My bad luck had nothing to do with it. The werewolves came back because the vampires did.”
“我的霉运与此无关，狼人们回来了是因为吸血鬼们回来了。”
Edward stared at me, his body motionless with surprise.
爱德华盯着我，他吃惊得一动不动。
I ignored the ribbing, my attention caught by his assumption — was he serious? “But I didn’t bring them back. Don’t you know?”
我对他的玩笑置若罔闻，倒是我的注意力被他的假设吸引了——他是认真的吗？“但是我并没有让他们回来啊，难道你不知道？”
He blinked and his glare relaxed. “Carlisle will be interested in that theory.”
他眨了眨眼睛，愤怒的目光放松了一些：“卡莱尔会对这个理论感兴趣的。”
He was silent for a moment, staring out the window into the rain; I imagined he was contemplating the fact that his family’s presence was turning the locals into giant dogs.
他沉默了一会儿，凝视着窗外的雨；我想他是在思考他家人的存在促使土著人变成大狼狗的事实。
I didn’t like to talk about that barren time with anyone, and especially not Edward. He had only been trying to save me when he’d left, trying to save my soul. I didn’t hold him responsible for all the stupid things I’d done in his absence, or the pain I had suffered.
我不愿意和任何人谈起那一段行尸走肉般的日子，尤其是和爱德华。他离开我只是为了挽救我，挽救我的灵魂。我不会将他不在的时候我所做的蠢事怪罪到他头上，也不能把我所承受的痛苦归咎于他。
I knew I must be patient with Edward. It wasn’t that he was unreasonable, it was just that he didn’t understand. He had no idea how very much I owed Jacob Black — my life many times over, and possibly my sanity, too.
我知道我必须对爱德华加以耐心，并不是他不讲道理，只是因为他不了解。他不知道我欠雅各布？布莱克的有多么多——有许多次，我的人生都要结束了，很可能我的理智也结束了。
So I would have to word my explanation very carefully.
因此，我解释的时候措辞必须小心谨慎。
He did.
而他却这样认为。
I got up and walked around the table. He opened his arms for me and I sat on his lap, nestling into his cool stone embrace. I looked at his hands while I spoke.
我站了起来，绕着桌子走动着，他朝我张开双臂，我则坐在他的腿上，依偎在他如石头般冰冷的怀抱里，我说话的时候看着他的手。
“Please just listen for a minute. This is so much more important than some whim to drop in on an old friend. Jacob is in pain.” My voice distorted around the word. “I can’t not try to help him — I can’t give up on him now, when he needs me. Just because he’s not human all the time… Well, he was there for me when I was… not so human myself. You don’t know what it was like…” I hesitated. Edward’s arms were rigid around me; his hands were in fists now, the tendons standing out. “If Jacob hadn’t helped me… I’m not sure what you would have come home to. I owe him better than this, Edward.”
“请你听我说一下，这件事情非常重要，比某种突然想看看老朋友的冲动要重要得多。雅各布现在很痛苦，”我说这个词的时候声音有些变调了，“我不能不帮他——我现在不能抛弃他，当他需要我的时候。因为他并不总是人类……好吧，当我……当我自己不那么像人类的时候，他在我身边。你不知道这意味着什么……”我犹豫不决地说道，爱德华的手臂在我身边变僵硬起来；现在他双手握拳，青筋暴露，“如果雅各布没有帮助我的话……我不确信你回到家看到的会是什么。我欠他的太多，不该让他承受这些，爱德华。”
“You were just trying to do the right thing. And I’m sure it would have worked with anyone less mental than me. Besides, you’re here now. That’s the part that matters.”
“你只不过是想要做正确的事情罢了，我肯定这样做对不像我这么愚蠢的任何人都会奏效的。另外，你现在就在我身边，这才是重要的。”
“I’ll never forgive myself for leaving you,” he whispered. “Not if I live a hundred thousand years.”
“我永远都不会原谅自己离开你，”他轻声呢喃道，“即使我活一万年，也不会。”
I looked up at his face warily. His eyes were closed, and his jaw was strained.
我谨慎地仰望着他的脸，他双眼紧闭，下巴紧收。
“If I’d never left, you wouldn’t feel the need to go risk your life to comfort a dog.”
“要是我没有离开过你，你就不会感到有必要冒着生命危险去安慰一条狗。”
I put my hand against his cold face and waited until he sighed and opened his eyes.
我用手轻轻抚摸着他冰冷的脸，等待着，直到他叹了叹气，睁开双眼。
His face was pained again. “Please, Bella,” he whispered.
他的脸又流露出痛苦的表情，“求你啦，贝拉！”他轻声请求道。
I flinched. I was used to Jacob and all his derogatory slurs — bloodsucker, leech, parasite… Somehow it sounded harsher in Edward’s velvet voice.
我心里一阵畏惧，我已经习惯了雅各布和他恶意的侮辱——吸血鬼、寄生虫、食客…… 不知道为什么，类似的话语由爱德华天鹅绒般的声音说出来听起来更加刺耳。
“You have to trust me on this. I’ll be fine.”
“你在这件事情上得相信我，我会好好的。”
“I don’t know how to phrase this properly,” Edward said, and his tone was bleak. “It’s going to sound cruel, I suppose. But I’ve come too close to losing you in the past. I know what it feels like to think I have. I am not going to tolerate anything dangerous.”
“我不知道如何措辞才合适，”爱德华说，他的声音有些苍凉，“听起来会有些残忍，我想，但是过去只差一点点我就会失去你。我知道，想到我已经失去你会是什么样的感觉，我不打算容忍任何危险的事情。”
I could feel Jacob’s note in my pocket, like it suddenly weighed ten pounds. I could hear the words in his voice, and he seemed to be agreeing with Edward — something that would never happen in reality.
我能感觉到口袋里雅各布给我的便条，好像它一下子有十英镑那么重一样。我能听到他说出这些话的声音，他似乎同意爱德华的观点——那是在现实生活中不可能发生的事情。
I pressed my lips against his snow-cold neck. “I know how much I love you,” I answered.
我的嘴唇吻着他雪一般冰冷的颈项，“我知道我有多么爱你。”我回答说。
I stared into his suddenly burning golden eyes. “Please what?”
我凝视着他突然燃烧着的金色的眼睛：“求我什么？”
“You compare one small tree to the entire forest.”
“你只见树木，不见森林。”
“Do you really have any idea how important you are to me? Any concept at all of how much I love you?” He pulled me tighter against his hard chest, tucking my head under his chin.
“你真的了解你对我有多么重要吗？你到底知不知道我有多么爱你？”他把我抱得更紧了，紧紧地贴着他冰冷而坚硬的胸口，把我的头藏在他的颈窝里。
“I’m not going along with that. I have to see Jacob.”
“我可不赞同这一点，我得见雅各布。”
“We’ll see about that,” I bluffed anyway. “He’s still my friend.”
“我们看看，”我上当了。“他还是我的朋友。”
“Then I’ll have to stop you.”
“那么我不得不制止你。”
He sounded utterly confident that this wouldn’t be a problem.
听他的语气那么自信，好像这根本不会是个难题。
He kissed the top of my head and sighed. “No werewolves.”
他吻了吻我的头顶，叹气道：“不要有狼人。”
“Please, for me. Please make a conscious effort to keep yourself safe. I’ll do everything I can, but I would appreciate a little help.”
“求你，为了我，请你有意识地努力让自己保持安全，我会尽我所能的，但是我所能提供的帮助有限。”
I was sure he was right.
我确信他是对的。
I rolled my eyes, but he couldn’t see. “Impossible.”
我骨碌碌地转了转眼睛，但是他看不见：“那是不可能的。”
“I’ll work on it,” I murmured.
“我会努力的。”我轻声低语道。
Doesn’t change anything. Sorry.
什么都不会改变。对不起。
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