Every day, James drove home from the college — where he taught his cowboy class term after term after term, until he could recite the lectures word for word — mulling over the slights of the day: how two little girls, hopscotching on the corner, had seen him brake at the stop sign and thrown pebbles at his car; how Stan Hewitt had asked him the difference between a spring roll and an egg roll; how Mrs. Allen had smirked when he drove past. Only when he reached home and saw Lydia did the bitter smog dissipate. For her, he thought, everything would be different. She would have friends to say, Don’t be an idiot, Stan, how the hell would she know? She would be poised and confident; she would say, Afternoon, Vivian, and look right at her neighbors with those wide blue eyes. Every day, the thought grew more precious.
詹姆斯每天从大学开车回家——他年复一年地教着美国牛仔课，讲义上的每个词都烂熟于心——顺便回想一天中的琐事：两个小女孩在街角跳房子，看到他的车在红灯前停下来，就朝车上扔鹅卵石；斯坦利·休伊特问他春卷和蛋卷的区别；他经过艾伦夫人家门口，她冲他露出假笑。只有回到家看到莉迪亚的时候，他心头的那点苦涩才能消散。因为有了她，他想，一切才变得不同。换作莉迪亚，她会对朋友说：“别傻了，斯坦，我又怎么知道？”她既沉着又自信。她会说：“下午好，薇薇安。”然后用她大大的蓝眼睛直视着她的邻居。这些幻想越来越让他难以自拔。
Ten years later it had still not come undone. Years passed. Boys went to war; men went to the moon; presidents arrived and resigned and departed. All over the country, in Detroit and Washington and New York, crowds roiled in the streets, angry about everything. All over the world, nations splintered and cracked: North Vietnam, East Berlin, Bangladesh. Everywhere things came undone. But for the Lees, that knot persisted and tightened, as if Lydia bound them all together.
十年后，那种羁绊仍旧没有丝毫放松的迹象。这些年来，青年们上了战场，人类登上了月球，总统们上任的上任，辞职的辞职，遇刺的遇刺。放眼美国，无论是底特律、华盛顿还是纽约，都有人群涌上街头，任何事情都能让他们怒不可遏。世界上的一批国家竞相分裂或崩溃：北越、东柏林、孟加拉。毁灭与消融无处不在。然而，对于李家人而言，他们之间的连结却越来越紧密，是莉迪亚把他们捆在了一起。
Every day, as Marilyn unboxed a frozen pie or defrosted a Salisbury steak — for she still refused to cook, and the family quietly accepted this as the price of her presence — she made plans: Books she would buy Lydia. Science fair projects. Summer classes. “Only if you’re interested,” she told Lydia, every time. “Only if you want to.” She meant it, every time, but she did not realize she was holding her breath. Lydia did. Yes, she said, every time. Yes. Yes. And her mother would breathe again. In the newspaper — which, between loads of washing, Marilyn read front to back, metering out the day, section by section — she saw glimmers of hope. Yale admitted women, then Harvard. The nation learned new words: affirmative action; Equal Rights Amendment; Ms. In her mind, Marilyn spun out Lydia’s future in one long golden thread, the future she was positive her daughter wanted, too: Lydia in high heels and a white coat, a stethoscope round her neck; Lydia bent over an operating table, a ring of men awed at her deft handiwork. Every day, it seemed more possible.
每天，当玛丽琳打开速冻派的包装或者给索尔斯伯利牛排解冻——她拒绝做饭，全家人默默地接受了这一点，这是换来她重新出现所付出的代价——的时候，她都会暗自筹划，再给莉迪亚买些什么书，科学展览，暑假辅导班。“只要你感兴趣，”她每次都这样告诉莉迪亚，“只要你愿意。”她每次都是真心征求女儿的意见，但是她没有意识到，自己在开口的时候紧张地屏住了呼吸。而莉迪亚注意到了。“是的。”她说，而且，她每一次都会说“是的，是的”。听到这两个字，她母亲的呼吸才会恢复正常。洗衣服的间隙，玛丽琳会把当天的报纸从头到尾读一遍，一栏接着一栏——她看到了希望之光：耶鲁大学收女生了，然后，哈佛大学也收了。美国人逐渐学到了几个新词：反歧视行动；平权修正案；女士。玛丽琳在心中用金线为莉迪亚编织了一个华丽的未来，她相信女儿也希望拥有这样的未来：莉迪亚穿着高跟鞋和白大褂，脖子上挂着听诊器；莉迪亚站在手术台前，周围的一圈男人敬畏地观摩她娴熟的技术。对玛丽琳而言，每过一天，这个未来仿佛都变得更加真实了一些。
Every day, at the dinner table, Nath sat quietly while his father quizzed Lydia about her friends, while his mother nudged Lydia about her classes. When they turned, dutifully, to him, he was tongue-tied, because his father — still seared by the memory of a smashed television and his son’s slapped face, did not ever want to hear about space. And that was all Nath read or thought about. In his spare moments, he worked his way through every book in the school card catalog. Spaceflight. Astrodynamics. See also: combustion; propulsion; satellites. After a few stuttering replies, the spotlight would swivel back to Lydia, and Nath would retreat to his room and his aeronautics magazines, which he stashed under his bed like pornography. He did not mind this permanent state of eclipse: every evening, Lydia rapped at his door, silent and miserable. He understood everything she did not say, which at its core was: Don’t let go. When Lydia left — to struggle over her homework or a science fair project — he turned his telescope outward, looking for faraway stars, far-off places where he might one day venture alone.
每天内斯都会安静地坐在晚餐桌前，他父亲和莉迪亚谈论她的朋友，她母亲则询问莉迪亚当天的学习情况。等到他们转过头，履行责任般问起他的时候，他的舌头已经打了结，因为他父亲——他想起了被父亲踢坏的电视，还有自己挨的那一巴掌——不会想听他讲什么宇宙空间之类的东西，而这些是内斯阅读和思考的全部。一有时间，他就在学校图书馆寻找相关的书籍：空间飞行，天文动力学，燃烧，推进，卫星。听儿子结结巴巴地回答几句之后，他父母的聚光灯重又打回到莉迪亚身上，这时，内斯就顺势退回自己的房间，继续看他的航空杂志，他像偷藏色情读物一样把它们储存在床底下。他不介意这种持久不变的“日食”状态。每天晚上，莉迪亚都会去敲他房间的门，显得既安静又可怜。他知道她没有说出口的话是什么，它们的核心内容是：别松手。莉迪亚走开之后——去苦思冥想家庭作业或者准备科学展览——他会把望远镜筒伸出窗外，遥望夜空中的群星，探寻那些他将来有一天可能会独自前往冒险的地方。
And Lydia herself — the reluctant center of their universe — every day, she held the world together. She absorbed her parents’ dreams, quieting the reluctance that bubbled up within. Years passed. Johnson and Nixon and Ford came and went. She grew willowy; Nath grew tall. Creases formed around their mother’s eyes; their father’s hair silvered at the temples. Lydia knew what they wanted so desperately, even when they didn’t ask. Every time, it seemed such a small thing to trade for their happiness. So she studied algebra in the summertime. She put on a dress and went to the freshman dance. She enrolled in biology at the college, Monday, Wednesday, Friday, all summer long. Yes. Yes. Yes.
莉迪亚自己——她是全家人的宇宙中心，尽管她不愿意成为这个中心——每天都担负着团结全家的重任，被迫承载父母的梦想，压抑着心底不断涌起的苦涩泡沫。就这样过了一年又一年，约翰逊、尼克松和福特上台又卸任。莉迪亚的身材变得苗条修长；内斯个子长高了。玛丽琳的眼角出现了皱纹；詹姆斯的两鬓挂上了银霜。莉迪亚知道她父母不顾一切地想要得到什么——尽管他们并没有说出来。她发现，似乎只要微不足道的小事就能换取他们的快乐。因此，她利用暑假学习代数，穿上连衣裙参加初级舞蹈班，报名旁听大学的生物课，星期一、星期三、星期五都有课。整个夏天忙个不停。“是的，是的，是的”。
(What about Hannah? They set up her nursery in the bedroom in the attic, where things that were not wanted were kept, and even when she got older, now and then each of them would forget, fleetingly, that she existed — as when Marilyn, laying four plates for dinner one night, did not realize her omission until Hannah reached the table. Hannah, as if she understood her place in the cosmos, grew from quiet infant to watchful child: a child fond of nooks and corners, who curled up in closets, behind sofas, under dangling tablecloths, staying out of sight as well as out of mind, to ensure the terrain of the family did not change.)
（那么，汉娜呢？他们把汉娜的摇篮搬进阁楼上的卧室，那里堆放着他们不再想要的东西，甚至等汉娜长大一点之后，他们也会时常忘记她的存在——比如有天晚上，玛丽琳在餐桌上摆了四个盘子，直到汉娜来到桌边，她才意识到少拿了一个。汉娜也仿佛明白她在家庭这个宇宙中的位置，她从安静的婴儿成长为善于察言观色的小孩：她喜欢躲在角落和柜子里，还有沙发后面、桌布底下，退出家人的视野和脑海，从而确保家中的领土划分不会出现丝毫的变动。）
A decade after that terrible year, everything had turned upside down. For the rest of the world, 1976 was a topsy-turvy time, too, culminating in an unusually cold winter and strange headlines: Snow Falls on Miami. Lydia was fifteen and a half, and winter break had just begun. In five months she would be dead. That December, alone in her room, she opened her bookbag and pulled out a physics test with a red fifty-five at the top.
现在，距离那可怕的一年，已经过去了十年，一切都发生了翻天覆地的变化。对其他人而言，1976年也并非寻常的一年，这种反常在那个出奇寒冷的冬天达到了顶峰——报纸的头版赫然印着《迈阿密下雪了》这种标题。十五岁半的莉迪亚刚开始放寒假，再过五个月，她就死了。那年十二月，她独自待在屋里打开书包，拽出一张物理试卷，卷子顶端用红笔写着“55”。
The biology course had been hard enough, but by memorizing kingdom, phylum, and class she’d passed the first few tests. Then, as the course got tougher, she had gotten lucky: the boy who sat to her right studied hard, wrote large, and never covered up his answers. “My daughter,” Marilyn had said that fall to Mrs. Wolff — Doctor Wolff –“is a genius. An A in a college class, and the only girl, too.” So Lydia had never told her mother that she didn’t understand the Krebs cycle, that she couldn’t explain mitosis. When her mother framed the grade report from the college, she hung it on her wall and pretended to smile.
生物课一上来就非常难，不过，通过死记硬背“界”“门”“类”这些概念，她通过了最初的几次测验。接着，课程变得更难，但她还算幸运，坐在她右边的男孩学习努力，字写得很大，而且从来不遮挡试卷上的答案。“我女儿，”那年秋天，玛丽琳对伍尔夫太太——也就是伍尔夫医生——说，“是个天才，在一门大学课程的考试中得了A，她也是那个班里唯一的女孩。”正因如此，莉迪亚从未告诉母亲，她并不明白什么是克雷伯氏循环，也无法解释有丝分裂的原理。当母亲把大学发来的成绩单装进相框里的时候，莉迪亚把它挂在自己房间的墙上，假装在微笑。
After biology, Marilyn had other suggestions. “We’ll skip you ahead in science this fall,” she’d said. “After college biology, I’m sure high school physics will be a snap.” Lydia, knowing this was her mother’s pet subject, had agreed. “You’ll meet some of the older students,” her father had told her, “and make some new friends.” He’d winked, remembering how at Lloyd, older had meant better. But the juniors all talked to each other, comparing French translations due next period or memorizing Shakespeare for the quiz that afternoon; to Lydia they were merely polite, with the distant graciousness of natives in a place where she was a foreigner. And the problems about car crashes, shooting cannons, skidding trucks on frictionless ice — she couldn’t make the answers turn out. Race cars on banked tracks, roller coasters with loops, pendulums and weights: around and around, back and forth she went. The more she thought about it, the less sense it made. Why didn’t the race cars tip over? Why didn’t the roller coaster fall from its track? When she tried to figure out why, gravity reached up and pulled down the cars like a trailing ribbon. Each night when she sat down with her book, the equations — studded with k and M and theta — seemed pointed and dense as brambles. Above her desk, on the postcard her mother had given her, Einstein stuck out his tongue.
生物课之后，玛丽琳又提出了新的建议。“今年秋天，我们直接让你选修自然科学。”她说，“搞定了大学生物课，我相信高中物理也不在话下。”莉迪亚知道，这是母亲最喜欢讨论的话题，她只能点头称是。“你会遇到年纪大的学生，”她父亲说，“认识一些新的朋友。”他眨眨眼，想起在劳埃德学院，“年纪大”意味着“更优秀”。然而，高二的学生们只和他们自己的同学说话——要么对法语翻译作业的答案，要么背诵当天下午将要测验的莎士比亚剧本。他们对莉迪亚仅仅是以礼相待，脸上带着本地人漠然的和蔼，把莉迪亚当成外国人一样。至于那些物理应用题——两车相撞、打出的炮弹、冰面上侧滑的卡车什么的——她绞尽脑汁也想不出答案。转弯中的卡车上装载的赛车、旋转的过山车、钟摆和砝码……这些东西如影随形地跟着她，她越想越觉得它们没有意义。为什么赛车会掉下来？为什么过山车会脱轨？当她试图搞清楚为什么的时候，仿佛看到地心引力窜了出来，把所有的车一连串地拽下去，仿佛扯着一条带子。晚上读书的时候，那些方程式——掺杂着小写的k和大写的M，还有希腊字母Θ——似乎变成了长满尖刺、密密麻麻的荆棘。书桌上方，母亲送给她的明信片上，爱因斯坦朝她吐着舌头。
Each test score had been lower than the last, reading like a strange weather forecast: ninety in September, mid-eighties in October, low seventies in November, sixties before Christmas. The exam before this one, she’d managed a sixty-two — technically passing, but hardly passable. After class, she’d shredded it into penny-sized scraps and fed it down the third-floor toilet before coming home. Now there was the fifty-five, which, like a bright light, made her squint, even though Mr. Kelly hadn’t written the F at the top of the page. She’d stashed it in her locker for two weeks under a stack of textbooks, as if the combined weight of algebra and history and geography might snuff it out. Mr. Kelly had been asking her about it, hinting that he could call her parents himself, if necessary, and finally Lydia promised to bring it back after Christmas break with her mother’s signature.
她的测验得分越来越低，看上去就像一张诡异的天气预报图表：九月份90，十月份85，十一月不到75，圣诞节前60左右。上一次考试，她得了62分，算是及格，但是差点不及格。下课后，她把卷子撕成小块丢进三楼厕所，然后才回家。现在，她考了55分，尽管凯利老师没在卷子上写“F”，但她还是不敢正眼去看那触目惊心的红色分数。她把这张卷子塞进储物柜藏了两周，放在一摞教科书下面，仿佛代数、历史和地理课本的重量合起来会把它压死一样。凯利老师向她提过她成绩下降的事，暗示说，他可能会亲自给她父母打电话——如果有必要的话。最后莉迪亚保证，过了圣诞节假期，她就把母亲签过字的卷子拿回学校。
All her life she had heard her mother’s heart drumming one beat: doctor, doctor, doctor. She wanted this so much, Lydia knew, that she no longer needed to say it. It was always there. Lydia could not imagine another future, another life. It was like trying to imagine a world where the sun went around the moon, or where there was no such thing as air. For a moment she considered forging her mother’s signature, but her handwriting was too round, too perfectly bulbous, like a little girl’s script. It would fool no one.
终其一生，她都能听到母亲的心跳坚定有力地叫嚣：医生、医生、医生。她母亲是如此渴望实现这个梦想，莉迪亚明白，她根本不需要说出来，她的心愿一直摆在那里。除了当医生，莉迪亚无法想象自己能够拥有别样的未来和不同的人生，那好比企图设想太阳围着月亮转、自然界没有空气这种东西一样荒唐。她曾经想过伪造母亲的签名，但她的字体过于圆胖，一看就出自小女孩之手，骗不了任何人。
For the past few weeks, Nath had checked the mail every afternoon, even before he said hello to their mother, sometimes before he took off his shoes. Lydia could feel him aching to escape so badly that everything else was falling away. Last week, at breakfast, Marilyn had leaned Lydia’s marked-up math homework against the box of Wheaties. “I checked it last night after you went to bed,” she said. “There’s a mistake in number twenty-three, sweetheart.” Five years, a year, even six months earlier, Lydia would have found sympathy in her brother’s eyes. I know. I know. Confirmation and consolation in a single blink. This time Nath, immersed in a library book, did not notice Lydia’s clenched fingers, the sudden red that rimmed her eyes. Dreaming of his future, he no longer heard all the things she did not say.
过去的几周，内斯每天下午都会打开信箱检查邮件，有时都忘记和母亲打招呼，甚至来不及穿上他的鞋。莉迪亚能够体会到他忧心如焚的感觉。上个星期在早餐桌前，玛丽琳把她帮莉迪亚改好的数学作业放在麦片盒子上。“昨晚你睡觉后，我检查了一下，”她说，“第二十三题有个错误，亲爱的。”五年、一年，甚至是六个月前，莉迪亚还会在她哥哥的眼里找到同情。“我理解。我理解。”他只要对她眨眨眼，她就能接收到他的同情和安慰。而这一次，内斯却埋头看他借来的书，没注意到莉迪亚紧握的手指和瞬间变红的眼圈。内斯忙于幻想自己的未来，没有再听见莉迪亚没说出口的话。
And last week, something even more terrifying had happened. Now, from under her mattress, Lydia extracted a small white envelope. Part of her hoped that, somehow, it would have changed; that over the past eight days the words would have eroded so she could blow them away like soot, leaving nothing but a harmless blank page. But when she blew, just one quick puff, the paper quivered. The letters clung. Dear Mr. Lee: We thank you for your participation in our new early admission process and are very pleased to welcome you to the Harvard Class of 1981.
最后一周，甚至发生了更可怕的事情。莉迪亚从她的床垫下拽出一个白信封，她有点希望里面的东西会有所变化——过去的八天里，上面的字或许已经烂掉了，所以她可以像吹灰尘那样把它们吹跑，只留下一张白纸。但是，无论她怎么吹，那些字依旧岿然不动。亲爱的李先生：感谢你参加了我校的提前录取环节，我们非常高兴地欢迎你进入哈佛大学1981届学习。
He had been the only one listening for so long. Since their mother’s disappearance and return, Lydia had been friendless. Every recess that first fall, she had stood to the side, staring at the First Federal clock in the distance. Each time a minute ticked by, she squeezed her eyes shut and pictured what her mother might be doing — scrubbing the counter, filling the kettle, peeling an orange — as if the weight of all those details could keep her mother there. Later she would wonder if this had made her miss her chance, or if she had ever had a chance at all. One day she had opened her eyes and found Stacey Sherwin standing before her: Stacey Sherwin of the waist-long golden hair, surrounded by a gaggle of girls. In Middlewood’s kindergarten class, Stacey Sherwin was the kingmaker, already adept at wielding her power. A few days earlier, she had announced, “Jeannine Collins stinks like garbage water,” and Jeannine Collins had peeled away from the group, ripping her glasses from her tear-smudged face, while the other girls in Stacey’s coterie tittered. Lydia, from a safe distance, had watched this unfold with awe. Only once, on the first day of kindergarten, had Stacey spoken to her directly: “Do Chinese people celebrate Thanksgiving?” And: “Do Chinese people have belly buttons?”
只有他一直在倾听莉迪亚的心声。自从玛丽琳消失又出现开始，莉迪亚就没有了朋友。那一年秋天，每当课间休息的时候，她就躲到一边，盯着远处第一联邦银行的钟楼。表针每走一分钟，她就闭上眼睛，想象母亲可能在做什么——擦柜台、给水壶装水、剥橘子——仿佛这些细节的重量能够把母亲留在家里，不让她离开。后来，她觉得可能是这些发呆的时光让她失去了交朋友的机会，也可能无论如何她都没有这样的机会。一天，她睁开眼睛，发现斯泰茜·舍温站在自己面前。那个金发及腰的斯泰茜·舍温，她周围还有几个女孩。在米德伍德幼儿园，斯泰茜·舍温一手遮天，能够娴熟地运用驭人之术。前几天，她刚一宣布“简宁·柯林斯像废水一样臭”，简宁·柯林斯就立刻被踢出了她所在的小团体，她的眼镜也被夺了下来，眼泪糊了一脸，跟斯泰茜一伙的其他女孩则在一旁窃笑。莉迪亚惊惧地远远观望这一变故。幼儿园开学的第一天，斯泰茜曾经问她：“中国人庆祝感恩节吗？”还有：“中国人有肚脐眼吗？”
“We’re all going over to my house after school,” Stacey said now. Her eyes flicked briefly to Lydia’s, then slid away. “You could come, too.”
“放学后，大家都去我家。”站在她面前的斯泰茜说，她略微朝莉迪亚眨了眨眼，“你也可以来。”
Suspicion flared in Lydia. Could she really have been chosen by Stacey Sherwin? Stacey kept looking at the ground and wound a ribbon of hair round her finger and Lydia stared, as if she might be able to see right into Stacey’s mind. Shy or sly? She couldn’t tell. And she thought, then, of her mother, her face peering through the kitchen window, waiting for her to arrive.
莉迪亚满腹狐疑。她真的被斯泰茜·舍温选中了吗？斯泰茜一直看着地面，手指上缠绕着一根发带，莉迪亚盯着她看，仿佛这样就能读懂她的想法。她的样子是害羞还是狡猾？她分辨不出。接着，她想起了母亲，想起她趴在厨房窗口向外看，等着她回家。
“I can’t,” she said at last. “My mom said I have to come straight home.”
“我不能去。”她终于说，“我妈妈说，放学后我必须马上回家。”
Would they have been kind to her or mocked her? She would never know. She would say no to birthday parties, to roller-skating, to swimming at the rec center, to everything. Each afternoon she rushed home, desperate to see her mother’s face, to make her mother smile. By the second grade, the other girls stopped asking. She told herself she didn’t care: her mother was still there. That was all that mattered. In the years to come, Lydia would watch Stacey Sherwin — her golden hair braided, then ironed flat, then feathered — waving to her friends, pulling them toward her, the way a rhinestone caught and held the light. She would see Jenn Pittman slip a note to Pam Saunders and see Pam Saunders unfold it beneath her desk and snicker; she would watch Shelley Brierley share out a pack of Doublemint and breathe in the sugar-spearmint scent as the foil-wrapped sticks passed her by.
如果她去了斯泰茜家，她们会对她友善还是嘲弄她？她永远都不会知道。她只能对各种生日聚会、去休闲中心溜冰或游泳等等邀请说不。每天下午，她都会匆忙赶回家，急于看到母亲的脸，让她高兴。到了二年级，其他女孩已经不会再问她了。她告诉自己：她不在乎，因为妈妈会永远等着她，而这是唯一重要的事情。未来的日子里，莉迪亚看着斯泰茜·舍温——她先是编起了金色的发辫，然后又拉直，后来戴上了发饰——朝她的朋友们招手，把她们拉到身边，就像一颗聚光的宝石。她看到珍·皮特曼给帕姆·桑德斯递了一张纸条，帕姆·桑德斯在桌子底下打开纸条，偷偷地笑起来；她看到谢莉·布莱尔利分掉一包绿箭口香糖，当锡纸包着的口香糖跳过她传给别人的时候，她闻到了清甜的薄荷味道。
Stacey shrugged and walked away, the other girls trailing behind her. In their wake came a swell of sudden laughter, and Lydia could not tell if she had been left out of the joke or if she had been the joke herself.
斯泰茜耸耸肩走开了，其他女孩尾随着她。突然，她们爆发出一阵笑声，莉迪亚不知道她们笑的是不是自己。
Only Nath had made it bearable all that time. Every day, since kindergarten, he saved her a seat — in the cafeteria, a chair across the table from him; on the bus, his books placed beside him on the green vinyl seat. If she arrived first, she saved a seat for him. Because of Nath, she never had to ride home alone while everyone else chatted sociably in pairs; she never needed to gulp out, “Can I sit here?” and risk being turned away. They never discussed it, but both came to understand it as a promise: he would always make sure there was a place for her. She would always be able to say, Someone is coming. I am not alone.
只有内斯是她生活的调剂，让她能够忍受下去。从上幼儿园开始，每一天，内斯都会帮她留出一个座位——在餐厅，他会让她坐在他对面；在校车上，他把书放在自己旁边的绿色塑胶座位上为她占座。如果莉迪亚先到，也会帮内斯占座。因为有内斯，她永远都不会独自坐车回家，听车里的其他人三三两两地凑在一起闲聊；她永远不用一面怯生生地问“我能坐在这里吗”，一面担心被人拒绝。他们心照不宣地约定，他会一直帮她留出位置。正因如此，她也总能够对自己说：“有人会来坐这个位置，我不是一个人。”
Now Nath was leaving. More letters were on their way. In a few days we will send a packet of information and forms should you choose to accept your place. Still, for a moment, Lydia allowed herself to fantasize: slipping the next letter out of the mail pile, and the next, and the next, tucking them between mattress and box spring where Nath couldn’t find them, so that he would have no choice but to stay.
现在内斯要走了。哈佛还会寄来更多的信。几天后，我们将寄出一些资料和表格，供你在选择专业时参考。莉迪亚忍不住幻想：只要她从邮件堆里拿出哈佛寄来的所有信件，一封接一封地塞到床垫底下，不让内斯找到它们，他就别无选择，只能留在家里了。
Downstairs, Nath riffled through the pile of mail: a grocery circular, an electric bill. No letter. That fall, when the guidance counselor had asked Nath about his career plans, he had whispered, as if telling her a dirty secret. “Space,” he’d said. “Outer space.” Mrs. Hendrich had clicked her pen twice, in-out, and he thought she was going to laugh. It had been nearly five years since the last trip to the moon, and the nation, having bested the Soviets, had turned its attention elsewhere. Instead Mrs. Hendrich told him there were two routes: become a pilot or become a scientist. She flipped a folder open to his printed-out transcript. B-minus in phys ed; A-plus in trigonometry, calculus, biology, physics. Though Nath dreamed of MIT, or Carnegie Mellon, or Caltech — he’d even written for pamphlets — he knew there was only one place his father would approve: Harvard. To James, anything else was a failing. Once he got to college, Nath told himself, he would take advanced physics, material science, aerodynamics. College would be a jumping-off point for a million places he had never been, a stop-off at the moon before shooting into space. He would leave everything and everyone behind — and though he wouldn’t admit it to himself, everyone meant Lydia, too.
楼下，内斯翻看着一堆邮件：杂货店的宣传单、电费账单——没有他要的信。那年秋天，当辅导员问起内斯有什么职业计划时，他压低了声音，好像在告诉她一个肮脏的秘密似的。“宇宙，”他说，“外太空。”海因里希夫人连按两下钢笔，他觉得她快要笑出来了。距离人类最后一次登月已经过去了五年，美国在这方面已经打败了苏联，所以，他们把注意力转到了别处。海因里希夫人告诉他，有两条路：成为飞行员或者成为科学家。她打开文件袋，翻出他的成绩单——体育，B—；三角学、微积分、生物、物理，都是A—。虽然内斯想去麻省理工学院、卡耐基梅隆大学，或者加州理工学院——他甚至都写了申请——但他知道，他父亲只会同意他去一个地方：哈佛。詹姆斯认为，去了其他学校等同于失败。内斯告诉自己，等进了大学，他就选修高等物理、材料科学和空气动力学。大学是他探索自己没有去过的地方的跳板，是他飞向太空的中转站。他会把所有人和所有事都甩在身后——虽然他并未承认，但这个“所有人”也包括莉迪亚。
Lydia was fifteen now, taller, and at school, when she tied her hair up and put on lipstick, she looked grown up. At home, she looked like the same startled five-year-old who had clung to his hand as they crawled back ashore. When she stood near, the little-girl scent of her perfume — even its name childish, Baby Soft — wafted from her skin. Ever since that summer, he had felt something still binding their ankles and tugging him off balance, fettering her weight to his. For ten years, that something had not loosened, and now it had begun to chafe. All those years, as the only other person who understood their parents, he had absorbed her miseries, offering silent sympathy or a squeeze on the shoulder or a wry smile. He would say, Mom’s always bragging about you to Dr. Wolff. When I got that A-plus in chem, she didn’t even notice. Or, Remember when I didn’t go to the ninth grade formal? Dad said, “Well, I guess if you can’t get a date…” He had buoyed her up with how too much love was better than too little. All that time, Nath let himself think only: When I get to college — He never completed the sentence, but in his imagined future, he floated away, untethered.
莉迪亚已经十五岁了，又长高了一些，当她在学校扎起头发、涂上唇膏，看上去就像成年人。而在家里，她看起来还是当年那个胆怯的五岁女孩——抓着哥哥的手，缓缓爬回岸边。当她坐在内斯旁边的时候，他能闻到一阵小女孩用的护肤品的味道，它的名字也很幼稚：“柔宝宝”。从那个夏天开始，他就觉得，有个东西一直在绑着他们的脚踝，牵引着他，让他失去平衡，承担着她的重量。十年来，它不但没有松动，反而勒得更紧。这些年，作为莉迪亚之外唯一了解他们父母的人，内斯对她的痛苦感同身受，他默默地同情她，偶尔会捏捏她的肩膀，或者苦笑一下。他会说：“妈妈总是在伍尔夫医生面前吹嘘你。我化学得了A—的那次，她根本都没注意。”或者：“还记得九年级集会的时候，我没有去吗？爸爸说：‘好了，我猜你是找不到约会对象了……’”为了安慰她，他竭力让她相信，太多的爱总比太少的爱好。而现在，内斯只有一个念头：“等我上了大学……”他没有想完这个句子，但是，在他设想中的未来，他可以自由自在地飘浮，像宇航员那样，毫无羁绊。
It was almost Christmas now, and still no letter from Harvard. Nath went into the living room without turning on the lamp, letting the colored lights on the tree guide his way. Each blackened windowpane reflected back a tiny Christmas tree. He would have to type new essays and wait for a second or third or fourth choice, or maybe he’d have to stay home forever. His father’s voice carried from the kitchen: “I think she’ll really like it. As soon as I saw it, I thought of her.” No need for an antecedent — in their family, she was always Lydia. As the Christmas lights blinked on and off, the living room appeared, dimly, then disappeared again. Nath closed his eyes when the lights came on, opened them as they went off, so that he saw only uninterrupted darkness. Then the doorbell rang.
现在几乎已经到了圣诞节，可他依然没有见到哈佛大学的录取信。这天，内斯没有开灯就走进客厅，让亮着彩灯的圣诞树指引他前进。每一扇黑漆漆的窗玻璃都反射着圣诞树的倒影。他可能得准备材料，申请第二、第三甚至第四所学校，甚至不得不永远待在家里。父亲的声音从厨房传来：“我想她会喜欢的，我一看见就想到了她。”无需推理，在他们家，“她”总是指莉迪亚。在圣诞彩灯的闪烁中，客厅时隐时现。灯亮时，内斯闭上眼睛，灯灭时再睁开，所以，他看到的是一成不变的黑暗。过了一会儿，门铃响了。
It was Jack — not yet suspicious in Nath’s eyes, only long distrusted and disliked. Though it was below freezing, he wore just a hooded sweatshirt, half-zipped over a T-shirt Nath couldn’t quite read. The hems of his jeans were frayed and damp from the snow. He pulled his hand from his sweatshirt pocket and held it out. For a moment, Nath wondered if he was expected to shake it. Then he saw the envelope pinched between Jack’s fingers.
是杰克——那时，内斯看他的眼神里还没有怀疑，只有长久以来积累的不信任和厌恶。虽然气温已经降到零下，但杰克只穿了一件带兜帽的运动衫，拉链拉了一半，露出里面的T恤，内斯看不清上面写的什么。杰克牛仔裤的褶边被雪打湿了，他从运动衫口袋里抽出手，向前一伸。那个瞬间，内斯不知道是否该上前和他握手。紧接着，他看到杰克两根手指中间夹着一个信封。
“This came to our house,” Jack said. “Just got home and saw it.” He jabbed his thumb at the red crest in the corner. “I guess you’ll be going to Harvard, then.”
“这封信寄到了我们家。”杰克说，“我刚回家看到的。”他用拇指戳戳信封一角的红色校徽，“我猜，你要去哈佛了。”
The envelope was thick and heavy, as if puffed with good news. “We’ll see,” Nath said. “It might be a rejection, right?”
信封又厚又沉，似乎塞满了好消息。“谁知道，”内斯说，“也可能是拒信，对吗？”
Jack didn’t smile. “Sure,” he said with a shrug. “Whatever.” Without saying good-bye, he turned home, crushing a trail of footprints across the Lees’ snowy yard.
杰克没有笑。“当然，”他耸耸肩说，“管它呢。”他没说再见就回家了，在白雪覆盖的李家院子里踩出一行脚印。
“Who was it?” Hannah, who had been listening from the hallway, peeked around the doorframe.
“什么事呀？”一直躲在门廊里观察动静的汉娜越过门框问。
Nath shut the door and flipped on the living room light, weighing the envelope in both hands. All of a sudden the room felt unbearably hot. The flap came up in a ragged tear and he yanked out the letter, crumpling its edge. Dear Mr. Lee: Let us once again congratulate you on your early admission to the Class of 1981. His joints went loose with relief.
内斯关上门，打开客厅的灯，用两只手分别掂了掂信封的分量，突然觉得屋里热得难以忍受。他撕开封口，抽出信瓤，揉了揉它的边缘。亲爱的李先生：让我们再次祝贺你被1981届提前录取。他只觉得全身的关节都宽慰地松弛了下来。
“A letter”– Nath swallowed –“from Harvard.” Even the name tingled on his tongue. He tried to read the rest, but the text wouldn’t focus. Congratulate. Once again. The mailman must have lost the first one, he thought, but it didn’t matter. Your admission. He gave up and grinned at Hannah, who tiptoed in and leaned against the couch. “I got in.”
“一封信，”内斯平复着激动的情绪，“哈佛寄来的。”连说出这个名字都让他觉得口干舌燥。他想读完后面的话，但眼前一片模糊。祝贺。再次。邮递员一定把第一封信弄丢了，他想，不过无所谓。你被录取了。他放弃读信，朝汉娜笑起来，汉娜轻轻地走进来，倚在沙发上。“我被录取了。”
His mother’s heels clattered in from the kitchen. “Nath,” she said, kissing him hard, on the cheek. “Nath, really?” She plucked the letter from his grip. “My god, Class of 1981,” she said, “doesn’t that make you feel old, James?” Nath wasn’t listening. He thought: It’s happening. I did it, I made it, I’m going.
他母亲的鞋跟敲打着地面，从厨房进来。“内斯，”她使劲亲了一下他的脸颊，“内斯，真的吗？”她抽出他手中的信，“我的天，1981届。”她说，“看到这个你不觉得自己老了吗，詹姆斯？”内斯没在听，他想：终于实现了。我做到了，我做到了，我要走了。
“Not bad,” James said. He smiled, as if half-embarrassed, and put his hand on Nath’s shoulder, and Nath felt it — heavy and warm — through his shirt. “Marilyn. Guess what?”
“不错。”詹姆斯说完微笑起来，似乎还有些尴尬。他把手放在内斯肩膀上，透过衬衣，内斯觉得这只手又厚重又温暖。“玛丽琳，你猜怎么了？”
“The letter got delivered to the Wolffs,” he said, holding it out. But James barely glanced at it. He was looking at Nath, and for once he was not frowning, and Nath realized he had grown as tall as his father, that they could look at each other eye to eye.
“这封信给寄到伍尔夫家去了。”他举起信。但詹姆斯一眼都没看它，他只是盯着内斯，而且破天荒地没有皱眉头。内斯蓦然意识到，他长得和父亲一样高了，他们现在可以自然地平视对方。
Nath nodded.
内斯点头。
At the top of the stairs, Lydia watched her father’s hand tighten on Nath’s shoulder. She could not remember the last time he had smiled at Nath like that. Her mother held the letter to the light, as if it were a precious document. Hannah, elbows hooked over the arm of the sofa, swung her feet in glee. Her brother himself stood silent, awed and grateful, 1981 glistening in his eyes like a beautiful far-off star, and something wobbled inside Lydia and tumbled into her chest with a clang. As if they heard it, everyone looked up toward her, and just as Nath opened his mouth to shout out the good news, Lydia called, “Mom, I’m failing physics. I’m supposed to let you know.”
楼梯顶端，莉迪亚看着父亲的手握住内斯的肩膀，她已经不记得父亲上次对内斯这样笑是什么时候了。她母亲把信拿到灯下，仿佛那是一份宝贵的文件。汉娜的胳膊勾着沙发扶手，高兴地晃着脚。她哥哥静静地站在那里，眼中充满敬畏和感激，“1981”这几个数字像美丽而遥远的星星一样，在他面前闪闪发光。有什么东西在莉迪亚的身体里摇摇欲坠，随后便轰然倒塌——像是听到了倒塌的声音，他们抬起头，望着莉迪亚。内斯刚要把他的好消息大声告诉她，她就叫起来：“妈妈，我的物理考试不及格，我应该告诉你来着。”
“To Harvard?” James said, coming in from the kitchen.
“被哈佛？”詹姆斯问，他从厨房走进来。
That night, while Nath brushed his teeth, the bathroom door creaked open and Lydia appeared, leaning against the doorjamb. Her face was pale, almost gray, and for a moment he felt sorry for her. Over dinner, their mother had moved from frantic questions — how could she let this happen, didn’t she realize — to blunt statements: “Imagine yourself older and unable to find a job. Just imagine it.” Lydia hadn’t argued, and faced with her daughter’s silence, Marilyn had found herself repeating that dire warning again and again. “Do you think you’ll just find a man and get married? Is that all you plan for your life?” It had been all she could do to keep from crying right there at the table. After half an hour, James said, “Marilyn –” but she had glared so fiercely that he subsided, prodding shreds of pot roast in the separating onion-soup gravy. Everyone had forgotten about Harvard, about Nath’s letter, about Nath himself.
那天晚上，内斯刷牙的时候，浴室的门开了，莉迪亚靠在门框上，面色苍白——几乎是灰色的。看到她的那一瞬，他感到非常难过。晚饭时，玛丽琳的嘴就没有停下来过——“你怎么能考不及格？等你长大了，发现找不到工作怎么办？想想吧。”莉迪亚没有还嘴，面对沉默的女儿，玛丽琳一遍一遍地重复着各种可怕的警告——“你觉得找个男人结婚就可以了吗？这就是你全部的人生计划？”莉迪亚能做的只有忍着，不在饭桌上哭出来。半小时后，詹姆斯说：“玛丽琳——”但她凶狠地瞪了他一眼，他退缩了，默然搅动起自己的那份洋葱肉汁。大家都忘了哈佛的事情，忘了内斯收到的信，还有内斯这个人。
After dinner, Lydia had found Nath in the living room. The letter from Harvard lay on the coffee table, and she touched the seal where it said VERITAS.
晚饭后，莉迪亚在客厅里找到了内斯。哈佛的来信躺在咖啡桌上，她摸了摸上面的校徽，校徽上用拉丁文写着“真理”。
He spat fiercely into the sink without looking at her, swishing the last bit of froth down the drain with his fingers.
他猛地一拍水池边缘，没有看莉迪亚，用手指把池底的最后一点泡沫推到下水口。
“Congratulations,” she said softly. “I knew you’d get in.” Nath had been too angry to speak to her and fixed his eyes on the television screen, where Donny and Marie were singing in perfect harmony, and before the song was over Lydia had run upstairs to her room and slammed the door. Now there she stood in the doorway, ashen and barefoot on the bathroom tiles.
“祝贺你，”她轻声说，“我就知道你会成功的。”内斯很生气，不想和她说话，眼睛一直盯着电视。屏幕上，唐尼和玛丽正在完美地表演合唱，歌曲结束之前，莉迪亚就跑回楼上她的房间，猛地关上门。现在，她又过来找内斯，面色灰败，赤着脚站在浴室的地砖上。
He knew what Lydia wanted now: for him to offer reassurance, a humiliation, a moment he’d rather forget. Something to make her feel better. Mom will get over it. It will be okay. Remember when…? But he didn’t want to remember all the times his father had doted on Lydia but stared at him with disappointment flaring in his eyes, all the times their mother had praised Lydia but looked over and past and through him, as if he were made of air. He wanted to savor the long-awaited letter, the promise of getting away at last, a new world waiting as white and clean as chalk.
他知道莉迪亚现在想要什么：他的安慰或者他的羞辱，总之是能让她感觉好一些的东西。他可以说：“妈妈会消气的。没事的。还记得……”然而，他现在不愿回想那些不愉快的事情。父亲平时溺爱莉迪亚，却总是失望地看着他；母亲总是表扬莉迪亚，对他却视而不见，好像他是空气做的。他只想仔细读读那封苦等已久的录取信，那是能让他获得自由的承诺，一个像粉笔一样雪白光洁的新世界正在恭候他的光临。
“Goodnight,” he said, and closed the door behind him.
“晚安。”他说完，关上了身后的门。
“Nath,” Lydia whispered as he turned to go, and he knew by the tremble in her voice that she’d been crying, that she was about to begin again.
他正准备离开，“内斯。”莉迪亚小声说。听到她颤抖的声音，他知道她哭了。她又要开始了。
The next morning, Marilyn thumbtacked the failed test to the kitchen wall across from Lydia’s seat. For the next three days, from breakfast until dinner, she plopped the physics book in front of her daughter and sat down beside her. All Lydia needed, she thought, was a little encouragement. Momentum and inertia, kinetic and potential — these things still lingered in the corners of her own mind. She read aloud over Lydia’s shoulder: For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. She worked through the failed test with Lydia again and again until Lydia could solve every problem correctly.
第二天早晨，玛丽琳把莉迪亚不及格的考卷用图钉钉在厨房的墙上，正对着莉迪亚的座位。接下来的三天里，早饭到晚饭之间的时段，她会把物理书猛然丢在女儿面前，然后在一旁坐下。她想，莉迪亚需要的只是一点点鼓励。动量与惯性、动能与势能——她仍然没有忘记这些概念。她在莉迪亚耳边大声读道：“对于每一个作用力，都有一个大小相等、方向相反的反作用力。”她和莉迪亚反复研究那张考卷，直到莉迪亚能够答对每一道题目才肯罢休。
What Lydia did not tell her mother was that, by the third time through, she had simply memorized the right answers. All day, while she huddled over her physics book at the table, she waited for her father to intercede: That’s enough, Marilyn. It’s Christmas break, for God’s sake. But he said nothing. Lydia had refused to speak to Nath since that night — as she thought of it — and she suspected, correctly, that he was angry at her as well; he avoided the kitchen entirely, except for meals. Even Hannah would have been some comfort — a small and silent buffer — but as usual, she was nowhere to be seen. In actuality, Hannah had planted herself under the end table in the foyer, just out of sight of the kitchen, listening to the scratch of Lydia’s pencil. She hugged her knees and sent soft and patient thoughts, but her sister did not hear them. By Christmas morning, Lydia was furious at them all, and even the discovery that Marilyn had at last unpinned the test from the wall failed to cheer her up.
莉迪亚没有告诉母亲的是，研究到第三遍的时候，她已经背过了所有的正确答案。她趴在物理书上苦读了一整天，等着父亲前来解围：“够了，玛丽琳，现在是圣诞节假期，看在上帝的份上。”但是，他什么都没说。自那天晚上开始，莉迪亚就拒绝和内斯说话，因为她怀疑——这是正确的——内斯也在生她的气；除了吃饭之外，他都会绕着厨房走。莉迪亚觉得，现在甚至连汉娜都能给自己带来一点默默的安慰。然而，汉娜一如往常，躲到了他们看不见的地方：她正藏在走廊的小桌子底下——从厨房是看不到这里的。她抱着膝盖，听着莉迪亚的铅笔在纸面上划动的声音，以这种形式表示她对姐姐的关心，而莉迪亚当然不会知道。圣诞节那天早晨，莉迪亚对家里的每一个人都心怀不满，连玛丽琳最终把考卷从墙上摘下来这件事都没能取悦她。
Sitting down around the Christmas tree felt sullied now, too. James lifted one ribboned package after another from the pile, handing each around, but Lydia dreaded the gift from her mother. Usually her mother gave her books — books that, although neither of them fully realized it, her mother secretly wanted herself, and which, after Christmas, Marilyn would sometimes borrow from Lydia’s shelf. To Lydia, they were always too hard no matter what age she was, less presents than unsubtle hints. Last year, it was The Color Atlas of Human Anatomy, so large it wouldn’t fit on the shelf upright; the year before, she had received a thick volume called Famous Women of Science. The famous women had bored her. Their stories were all the same: told they couldn’t; decided to anyway. Because they really wanted to, she wondered, or because they were told not to? And the anatomy had made her queasy — men and women with their skin peeled off, then their muscles stripped away, until they were nothing but skeletons laid bare. She’d flipped through some of the color plates and slammed the book and squirmed in her seat, as if she could shake off the feeling like a dog shook rain off its fur.
围坐在圣诞树下拆礼物也无法改善莉迪亚的心情。詹姆斯把缠着彩带的包裹接连分发给大家，但莉迪亚害怕看到母亲给她的礼物：玛丽琳通常会送她书。实际上——虽然母女俩都没有完全意识到——是玛丽琳自己想读这些书，因为圣诞节过后，她有时会从莉迪亚那里把书借走。对莉迪亚而言，无论她年龄多大，这些书都太难懂。这不像是礼物，更像某种笨拙的暗示。去年，母亲送的是《人体解剖学彩色图集》，开本很大，没法垂直插进书架；前年，莉迪亚收到的是《著名的科学女性》，厚厚一本。那些著名的女性令她厌烦。她们的故事大同小异：别人说她们做不到，但她们还是决心去做。莉迪亚想，这是因为她们真心想做，还是因为别人不赞成？人体解剖图令她作呕——男人和女人被剥掉了皮、揭开了肌肉，只剩下光溜溜的骨架。她胡乱翻了几页就合上书，在座位上不安分地扭动，就像狗抖掉身上的雨水一样，想把恶心的感觉甩掉。
If she had not looked up at the ceiling just then, Lydia might have forgiven her brother after all. But something caught her eye — a Rorschach of white above their heads — and a tiny memory ballooned in her mind. They had been quite small. Her mother had taken Hannah to a doctor’s appointment and she and Nath, home alone, had spotted a huge spider crawling just above the window frame. Nath had climbed the sofa and crushed it with their father’s shoe, leaving a black smudge and half a footprint on the ceiling. “Say you did it,” he’d begged, but Lydia had a better idea. She fetched the bottle of Liquid Paper from beside their father’s typewriter and painted over each spot, one by one. Their parents never noticed the dots of white against the cream of the ceiling, and for months afterward, she and Nath would glance up and share a smile.
要是她没有接着望向天花板，莉迪亚可能很快就会原谅她哥哥。一样东西——他们头顶的白色斑块——吸引了她的视线，触发了她的一段回忆。他们很小的时候，有一次玛丽琳带着汉娜去看医生，只有莉迪亚和内斯在家，他们看到一只大蜘蛛在窗框上爬，内斯踩着沙发，用父亲的鞋拍死了蜘蛛，在天花板上留下一块黑斑和半只鞋底的印迹。“就说是你干的。”内斯恳求道，但莉迪亚有个更好的主意。她从詹姆斯的打字机旁边拿来修正液，一点一点地把黑色印痕涂成白色，父母根本没注意到奶油色天花板上的白点。此后的几个月，她和内斯一抬头看到那块白斑，就会相视而笑。
Nath, watching his sister’s eyes blink and redden, felt a twinge of pity cut through his anger. He had read the letter from Harvard eleven times now and had finally convinced himself it was real: they had actually accepted him. In nine months, he would be gone, and that knowledge took the sting out of all that had happened. So what if his parents cared more about Lydia’s failure than his success? He was leaving. And when he got to college — Lydia would have to stay behind. The thought, finally put into words, was bittersweet. As his father passed him a present wrapped in red foil, Nath flashed Lydia a tentative smile, which she pretended not to see. After three comfortless days, she was not ready to forgive him yet, but the gesture warmed her, like a gulp of tea on a cold winter day.
内斯看着他妹妹眨着眼睛，眼圈变红，顿时从愤怒中生出一丝怜悯。他已经把哈佛的来信读了十一遍，终于说服自己这是真的，他们真的录取了他。再过九个月，他就可以走了，这个消息驱散了他的所有不快。不过，要是比起他的成功，父母更关心莉迪亚的失败呢？反正他要走了，他要上大学了——而莉迪亚不得不留在家里。他现在的感觉，用四个字来形容，就是“苦乐参半”。这时，他父亲递给他一个用红色锡纸包着的礼物，内斯试探地向莉迪亚微笑了一下，她假装没看见。度过了不自由的三天，她还没做好原谅他的准备，但内斯的态度温暖了她，如同在寒冷的冬日咽下一大口热茶。
Now, looking carefully, Lydia could still see the faint tread of their father’s shoe, the bigger splotch where the spider had been. They had been a team. They had stuck together, even in this small, silly thing. She had never expected a time when that would not be true. Morning light splashed across the wall, making shadows and spots of glare. She squinted, trying to distinguish white from off-white.
莉迪亚发现，如果仔细看，还能看出父亲鞋底的纹路，至于那个较大的斑点，它曾经是一只蜘蛛。他们曾经是一伙的，整天混在一起，连这种小事傻事都同甘共苦。她从未想到他们会像现在这样。晨曦穿过窗户洒在墙壁上，形成明暗不一的光点，她斜眼瞥去，想要分辨出白色和米白色的不同。
“Lydia?” Everyone else had been busy, unwrapping gifts: across the room, Nath fed a roll of film into a new camera; a ruby pendant on a gold chain gleamed against her mother’s robe. In front of her, her father held out a package, small and compact and sharp-edged, like a jewel box. “From me. I picked it out myself.” He beamed. Usually James left the Christmas shopping to Marilyn, allowing her to sign each tag Love, Mom and Dad. But he had picked this gift out himself, and he could not wait to bestow it.
“莉迪亚。”她循声望去，其他人都在忙着拆礼物。内斯正把一卷新胶片装进相机；她母亲戴着一条金链子，链坠是红宝石的，在睡袍的映衬下闪闪发光。站在她面前的父亲递过来一小只包裹，看上去很结实，边角锐利，像是一只珠宝盒。“这是我的礼物。我自己挑的。”他笑容满面。詹姆斯通常会把圣诞采购的任务交给玛丽琳，让她在礼品卡上签名：爱你的妈妈和爸爸。但这一次，他特地为莉迪亚挑选了礼物，而且迫不及待地交给了她。
A present he picked out himself, Lydia thought, must be something special. At once she forgave her father for not interceding. Beneath this wrapping was something delicate and precious. She imagined a gold necklace like some girls at school wore and never took off, little gold crosses they’d received at their confirmations, or tiny charms that nestled between their collarbones. A necklace from her father would be like that. It would make up for the books from her mother, for all of the past three days. It would be a little reminder that said I love you. You’re perfect just as you are.
他亲自选的礼物，莉迪亚想，一定是什么特别的东西。她立刻就原谅了父亲那天没有帮自己说情的事。包装纸下面似乎是一样精美而珍贵的东西。她觉得可能是金项链，就像学校里的一些女孩戴的那种，她们一戴上就从未摘下来过。有的项链上拴着金色的小十字架，是坚振礼上得到的信物；有的挂着漂亮的小装饰品，恰好贴在她们的锁骨之间。来自她父亲的项链一定也是那样的，是对母亲送她的书以及过去这三天的补偿，是为了让她知道：“我爱你，你一直都是那么的完美。”
She slid her finger under the wrapping paper, and a squat gold and black book fell into her lap. How to Win Friends and Influence People. A bright band of yellow slashed the cover in two. Fundamental Techniques in Handling People. Six Ways of Making People Like You. At the top, in deep red letters: The More You Get Out of This Book, the More You’ll Get Out of Life! James beamed.
她用手指划开礼物底部的包装纸，一本金黑相间的书掉到膝盖上：《如何赢得朋友和影响他人》，一条亮黄色的线把书的封面一分为二。处理人际关系的基本技巧。讨人喜欢的六种方法。顶端还有一行深红色的字：阅读本书的心得，与您的人生收获成正比。见女儿拆开包裹，詹姆斯面露喜色。
“I thought you could use this,” he said. “It’s supposed to — well, help you win friends. Be popular.” His fingers grazed the title on the cover.
“我觉得你可能需要它。”他说，“它能——呃，帮你赢得朋友，变得受欢迎。”他用手指点着书名。
Lydia swallowed, hard.
莉迪亚拼命压抑着情绪。
Lydia felt her heart in her chest like a pellet of ice, sliding down out of reach. “I have friends, Daddy,” she said, though she knew this was a lie.
莉迪亚觉得她的心仿佛掉进了冰窟窿，而且，它在逐渐离她远去。“我有朋友，爸爸。”她说，虽然明知这是一句谎言。
Her father’s smile flickered. “Of course you do. I just thought — you know, you’re getting older, and in high school now — people skills are so important. It’ll teach you how to get along with everyone.” His eyes darted from her face to the book. “It’s been around since the thirties. Supposed to be the best on the subject.”
她父亲微笑道：“当然。我只是想——你知道，你长大了，上高中了——交际技巧很重要。它会教给你如何和每一个人相处。”他的视线从女儿的脸上移到书上，“三十年代这类书就很流行了，属于畅销主题。”
“Don’t you like the book?”
“你不喜欢这本书吗？”
“It’s great,” she said. “Thanks, Daddy.”
“太棒了，”她说，“谢谢，爸爸。”
There was no hope for the other presents in her lap, but Lydia opened them anyway. A fluffy Orlon scarf from Nath. A Simon and Garfunkel album from Hannah. Books from her mother, as usual: Women Pioneers in Science. Basic Physiology. “Some things I thought you might be interested in,” Marilyn said, “since you did so well in biology.” She sipped her tea with a slurp that grated all the way down Lydia’s spine. When nothing was left beneath the tree but balled-up wrapping paper and shreds of ribbon, Lydia stacked her gifts carefully, the book from her father on top. A shadow fell over it: her father, standing behind her.
其他人的礼物应该更没有什么可看的了，但莉迪亚还是拆了开来。内斯送她一条毛茸茸的腈纶围巾；汉娜送的是一张西蒙和加芬克尔的唱片；母亲还是送的书：《科学界的女先驱者》和《基础生理学》。“我觉得你可能对这些感兴趣，”玛丽琳说，“既然你生物学得那么好。”她抿了一口茶水，发出的响动让莉迪亚觉得脊柱发寒。当圣诞树下没有别的东西，只剩下成团的包装纸和彩带的碎片时，莉迪亚小心地把她收到的礼物堆在一起，父亲送的书在最上面。这时，一个阴影落到封面上——父亲出现在她身后。
“Sure I like it.”
“当然喜欢。”
“I just thought it would be helpful,” he said. “Though you probably know everything about that already.” He pinched her cheek. “How to win friends. I wish –” He stopped, swallowing the words back down: I wish I’d had it when I was your age. Perhaps, he thought, everything would have been different; if he’d known how to handle people, how to make them like him, perhaps he’d have fit in at Lloyd, he’d have charmed Marilyn’s mother, they’d have hired him at Harvard. He’d have gotten more out of life. “I thought you’d like it,” he finished lamely.
“我只是觉得它可能有用。”他说，“但是你可能已经非常了解应该怎么做了。”他捏捏她的脸颊，“如何赢得朋友。我希望……”他蓦然停住，把想说的话咽回肚子里：我希望我在你的年纪读到这本书。他想，如果是那样，一切都会不同；如果他知道怎么“处理人际关系”，如何让别人喜欢他，也许他就能适应劳埃德，就能取悦玛丽琳的母亲，哈佛大学也会雇用他。他就能得到更多的“人生收获”。“我觉得你会喜欢它的。”他笨拙地总结道。
James could not miss the edge in her voice, but he brushed it aside. Of course she’s annoyed, he thought, at a present she doesn’t need. Lydia already had plenty of friends; almost every evening she was on the phone with someone, after she’d finished all of her homework. How foolish of him to have bought this book at all. He made a mental note to come up with something better for her next gift.
詹姆斯无法忽略她生硬的语调，然而，他还是决定无视它。她当然不会喜欢，他想，目前她又不需要。莉迪亚总是拥有很多朋友；几乎每天晚上，完成所有家庭作业之后，她都会和别人通电话。他竟然会买这本书，真是愚蠢。他暗下决心，下次一定要送她好一点的礼物。
The truth was this: at thirteen, at her father’s urging, Lydia had called up Pam Saunders. She hadn’t even known Pam’s number and had had to look it up in the book, which lolled on her lap as she ticked the dial around. Aside from the phone in the kitchen, and the one in her father’s study, the only other phone in the house was on the landing, a little window seat halfway up the stairs where her mother kept a few throw pillows and a wilting African violet. Anyone passing by downstairs could overhear. Lydia waited for her father to head into the living room before she dialed the last digit.
事实是这样的。莉迪亚十三岁的时候，在她父亲的催促下给帕姆·桑德斯打了个电话。她连帕姆的电话号码都不知道，是从电话薄里现查的，她把电话薄放在腿上，挨个拨号。除了厨房和她父亲的书房里各有一部电话之外，家里的最后一部电话就在楼梯转角处的平台上，她母亲在这儿的飘窗窗台上放了几个靠枕和一盆非洲堇，非洲堇已经枯萎了。所以，无论是谁，只要从楼梯下经过，都会听到她打电话的声音。莉迪亚等到父亲走进客厅，才拨出最后一个数字。
“I love it,” she said. “Thanks, Daddy.”
“我喜欢的。”她说，“谢谢，爸爸。”
Though her father had never mentioned his schooldays, though she had never heard the story of her parents’ marriage or their move to Middlewood, Lydia felt the ache of it all, deep and piercing as a foghorn. More than anything, her father fretted over her being well liked. Over her fitting in. She opened the book in her lap to the first section. Principle 1. Don’t criticize, condemn, or complain.
尽管她父亲没有提起过他的学生时代，她也没有听说过父母是怎么结婚、怎么搬到米德伍德的，莉迪亚依然感受得到，其中的痛楚像轮船上的雾笛，深深穿透她的心。她父亲最担心的是她遭人排斥，无法适应环境。她打开膝头的书，翻到第一部分：原则1。 避免批评、谴责或者抱怨。
Lydia wormed her finger into the phone cord and tried to think of something to say. “So — what did you think of the geography quiz today?”
莉迪亚用手指缠绕着电话线，试图说点什么。“那么——你今天的地理测验怎么样？”
“Pam?” she said. “It’s Lydia.”
“帕姆，”她说，“我是莉迪亚。”
“Lydia Lee. From school.”
“莉迪亚·李。学校的。”
“It was okay, I guess.” Pam snapped her gum, a tiny tsk of a sound. “I hate school.”
“还行，我猜。”帕姆嚼着口香糖，发出轻微的“啧啧”声，“我讨厌学校。”
“Saturday?” Sharp, startled silence. “Oh, sorry, I can’t. Maybe some other time?” A murmur in the background. “Hey, I gotta go. My sister needs the phone. Bye, Lydia.” And the clunk of the receiver being set back on the hook.
“星期六？”一阵诧异的沉默，“哦，对不起，我不能去。也许下次？”背景音里传来小声的嘟囔，“嘿，我得挂了，我姐姐要用电话。再见，莉迪亚。”随后传来听筒放回叉簧的声音。
A pause. She could almost hear Pam’s brow crinkling. “Lydia?”
短暂的沉默。她几乎能听出帕姆皱起了眉头。“莉迪亚？”
“Me too,” Lydia said. For the first time, she realized this was true, and saying it emboldened her. “Hey, do you want to go roller-skating on Saturday? I bet my dad would drive us.” A sudden vision of her and Pam, whizzing around the roller rink, giddy and giggling, flashed through her mind. Behind them, in the stands, how delighted her father would be.
“我也是，”莉迪亚说，她第一次意识到这是真话，把它说出来更是增加了她的胆量，“嘿，你星期六想去滑旱冰吗？我爸爸会开车送我们去的。”她和帕姆在旱冰场里急速旋转，咯咯傻笑，坐在看台上的父亲高兴极了——这幅景象一下子出现在她脑海里。
“Oh.” Another pause. “Hi.”
“哦，”又一阵沉默，“嗨。”
Stunned by how suddenly Pam had hung up, Lydia was still clutching the handset to her ear when her father appeared at the foot of the stairs. At the sight of her on the phone, a lightness crossed his face, like clouds shifting after strong wind. She saw him as he must have looked when he was young, long before she had been born: boyishly hopeful, possibilities turning his eyes into stars. He grinned at her and, on exaggerated tiptoe, headed into the living room.
帕姆突然挂断电话，让莉迪亚措手不及，她父亲出现在楼梯脚下的时候，她的耳朵依然贴着听筒。看到女儿在打电话，詹姆斯的眼神亮起来，仿佛云层被强风吹散。她现在看到的他，一定非常接近他年轻时——许多年后她才出生——的样子，稚气、乐观，只要希望尚存，他的眼里就能射出明亮的星光。他朝她咧嘴一笑，然后做出夸张的蹑手蹑脚的动作，走进了客厅。
Lydia, phone still pressed to her cheek, could hardly believe how easy it had been to bring that bright flush of joy to her father. It seemed, at the time, like such a small thing. She remembered this the next time she lifted the receiver and held it to her ear, murmuring, “mm-hmm, mm-hm — she did?” until her father passed through the front hallway, paused below, smiled, and moved on. As time went by, she would picture the girls she watched from afar and imagine what she’d say if they were truly friends. “Shelley, did you watch Starsky and Hutch last night? Oh my god, Pam, can you believe that English essay — ten pages? Does Mrs. Gregson think we have nothing better to do? Stacey, your new hairdo makes you look exactly like Farrah Fawcett. I wish my hair would do that.” For a while, it remained a small thing, the dial tone humming in her ear like a friend. Now, with the book in her hand, it no longer seemed so small.
莉迪亚手中的听筒仍然贴在脸上，她简直不敢相信可以如此轻易就让父亲精神焕发。打个电话而已，这难道不是微不足道的小事吗？自此以后，她会故意把听筒贴在耳朵上，小声说：“嗯——哼，嗯哼——真的吗？”一直等到她父亲从楼下经过，停住脚步，微微一笑，然后走开。后来，她会远远地看着校园里的女孩，想象着如果她们真的是自己的朋友，她们会说些什么。“谢莉，你昨天晚上看没看《最佳拍档》？”“哦，我的老天，帕姆，你相信吗，英语论文——十页纸？格雷森夫人觉得我们没有更好的事可干了吗？”“斯泰茜，你的新发型让你看上去和法拉·福赛特一模一样。我也想做个这样的发型。”这样做没什么大不了的，无非是把电话里的拨号音当成她的朋友，然而，现在父亲竟然送她一本书——交朋友俨然成了大事。
After breakfast, Lydia settled cross-legged in the corner by the tree and opened the book again. Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves. She turned a few pages. Remember that the people you are talking to are a hundred times more interested in themselves and their wants and problems than they are in you and your problems.
早饭后，莉迪亚盘腿坐在圣诞树旁边的角落里，再次打开书。善于倾听。鼓励别人谈论他们自己。她又翻了几页。请记住，与你交谈的人，更关心他们自己、他们的期望和问题，而不是你和你的问题。
“Lyds,” Nath called. He would not give up. “Lydia. Lyd-i-a.” Through the screen of her hair, Lydia saw the zoom lens of the camera like a giant microscope trained on her. “Smile.”
“莉兹，”内斯锲而不舍地叫道，“莉迪亚，莉迪——亚。”透过头发帘子，莉迪亚看到相机的变焦镜头像一支巨大的显微镜筒一样对准了她。“笑一个。”
Across the living room, Nath put his eye to the viewfinder of his new camera, zooming in on Lydia, pushing her in and out of focus. He was apologizing for giving her the silent treatment, for shutting the door in her face when all she’d wanted was not to be alone. Lydia knew this, but she was not in the mood to make up. In a few months he would be gone, and she would be left alone to win friends and influence people and pioneer in science. Before Nath could snap the photo, she dropped her gaze back to the book, hair curtaining her face. A smile says, “I like you. You make me happy. I am glad to see you.” That is why dogs make such a hit. They are so glad to see us that they almost jump out of their skins. Dogs, Lydia thought. She tried to picture herself as a dog, something docile and friendly, a golden retriever with a black smile and a fringy tail, but she did not feel friendly and purebred and blond. She felt unsociable and suspicious, like the Wolffs’ dog down the street, a mutt, braced for hostility.
客厅对面，内斯正在观察他新相机的取景器，他把镜头对准了莉迪亚，不停地调整焦距。他这是在向她道歉——因为他曾对她冷眼相待，在她需要安慰的时候把门关上。莉迪亚明白这一点，但是，她现在没有心情和好，再过几个月他就走了，把她一个人留在家里赢得朋友、影响他人和成为科学先驱。没等内斯按下快门，她就收回目光继续看书，用头发挡住自己的脸。微笑的意思是：“我喜欢你。你让我快乐。很高兴见到你。”这也是狗获得人类喜爱的原因。它们非常愿意见到我们，以至于激动得不能自已。狗，莉迪亚想。她把自己想作是一条狗，温驯而友好，比如金毛寻回犬，天生一张笑脸，还有一条毛茸茸的尾巴。但她给人的印象并不是友好、血统纯正、拥有金色的毛发，而是不善交际、猜忌多疑，就像伍尔夫家的那条杂种狗，对别人充满敌意。
You don’t feel like smiling? Then what? Force yourself to smile. Act as if you were already happy, and that will tend to make you happy.
你不想微笑？怎么办？逼自己笑。假装很开心，最后你会真的开心起来。
“Good vacation?” It was Jack. He slouched into the next seat, one arm slung over the back, as if it were a girl’s shoulder. At this point she hardly knew Jack at all, though he lived just on the corner, and hadn’t talked to him in years. His hair had darkened to the color of beach sand; the freckles she remembered from their childhood had faded but not disappeared. But she knew that Nath didn’t like him at all, never had, and for this reason alone she was pleased to see him.
“假期过得不错？”问话的是杰克。他懒洋洋地坐到莉迪亚旁边，一条胳膊搭在椅背上，好像那是女孩的肩膀。这时候，莉迪亚根本不怎么了解杰克，虽然他就住在街角，但她已经很多年没和他说过话了。他的头发已经变成了浅棕色，她记得他小时候脸上有雀斑，现在雀斑已经变浅，但没有完全消失。她知道内斯一点都不喜欢杰克，从未喜欢过他，光是出于这个原因，她也愿意见到杰克。
By the time school started again, Lydia was relieved to escape the house, even if physics class was the first thing she had to face. She set the failed test — signed now by her mother — facedown on Mr. Kelly’s desk. Mr. Kelly himself was already at the chalkboard, drawing a diagram. Unit II: Electricity and Magnetism, he wrote at the top. Lydia slid into her seat and rested her cheek on the desktop. Someone had etched a dime-sized FUCK YOU into the surface with a pushpin. She pressed her thumb against it, and when she lifted her hand a backward FUCK rose on her fingertip like a welt.
学校重新开学的时候，尽管需要面对物理课的折磨，莉迪亚反而觉得释然，因为，她可以暂时逃离这座房子。她把不及格的卷子——她母亲已经签了名——倒扣在凯利先生的桌子上。凯利先生已经来到黑板前，正在画图。“第二单元：电和磁”，他在图的上方写道。莉迪亚滑进座位，脸贴在桌面上。不知道是谁用图钉在课桌上刻了一句硬币大小的脏话“操你”，她把拇指按在刻痕上，当她抬起手，一个反过来的“操”字就出现在了她的手上，宛如一道烙印。
Lydia pulled her hair back over her shoulder in a slowly untwisting rope. Then she stared straight into the black eye of the camera, refusing to smile, even the slightest bend in her lips, even after she heard the shutter click.
莉迪亚把头发拢起来扭成一股，搭在肩膀后面，然后直视黑洞洞的镜头，拒绝微笑——哪怕是轻微地弯弯嘴角，甚至在听到快门声之后，她仍然保持着这副表情。
Jack glanced at the board. “Electricity and Magnetism.”
杰克看了一眼黑板。“电和磁。”
“What are you doing here?”
“你在这干什么？”
“I failed,” he said. “Fifty-two percent. Below below-average. I know that’s a hard concept to grasp, Miss Lee. Since you’ve never failed anything.”
“不及格。”他说，“五十二分。低于平均水平。我知道这很难理解，李小姐，因为你从不挂科。”
Lydia blushed. “I mean,” she said, “this is a junior class.”
莉迪亚脸红了。“我的意思是，”她说，“这是高二的课。”
Jack pulled a capless ballpoint from his knapsack and rested his foot on his knee. “Did you know, Miss Lee, that physics is required to graduate? Since I failed the second unit of physics last year, here I am again. My last chance.” He began to trace the tread of his tennis-shoe sole in blue ink. Lydia sat up.
杰克从背包里拿出一支没有笔帽的圆珠笔，把脚架在膝盖上。“你知道吗，李小姐，物理需要考及格才能毕业？去年物理第二单元考试，我挂科了，所以，我来了。这是我的最后一次机会。”他开始用笔画网球鞋的鞋底。莉迪亚坐直了身子。
“You failed?”
“你不及格？”
Lydia stiffened. “As a matter of fact,” she said, “I’m failing physics myself.”
莉迪亚一僵。“实际上，”她说，“我的物理也不及格。”
“Our secret membership sign,” he said as the bell rang. His eyes, a deep blue-gray, met hers. “Welcome to the club, Miss Lee.”
“这是我们的秘密会员标记。”他说。这时，铃声响起。他深蓝灰色的眼睛对上了莉迪亚的视线，“欢迎加入俱乐部，李小姐。”
Jack didn’t turn his head, but she saw one eyebrow rise. Then, to her surprise, he leaned across the aisle and doodled a tiny zero on the knee of her jeans.
杰克没有转头，但她看到他的一边眉毛扬了起来。然后，令她惊讶的是，他越过走道，伸手在她牛仔裤的膝盖部分画了一个小小的“0”。
All through class that morning, Lydia traced that tiny zero with her fingertip, watching Jack out of the corner of her eye. He was focused on something she couldn’t see, ignoring Mr. Kelly’s drone, the pencils scratching around him, the fluorescent light buzzing overhead. One thumb drummed a pitter-pat on the desktop. Does Jack Wolff want to be friends? she wondered. Nath would kill him. Or me. But after that first day, Jack didn’t say another word to her. Some days he came late, then put his head down on his desk for the entire period; some days he did not come at all. The zero washed out in the laundry. Lydia kept her head bent over her notes. She copied down everything Mr. Kelly wrote on the board, turning the pages of her textbook back and forth so often that the corners softened and frayed.
莉迪亚一上午都在用手指摩挲那个“0”，同时拿眼角的余光打量杰克。他正埋头忙碌着什么——虽然凯利先生一直在絮絮叨叨地讲课，周围的同学都在奋笔疾书，但杰克却浑然不觉。莉迪亚用拇指敲着桌子。“杰克·伍尔夫想和我做朋友吗？”她想，“内斯会杀了他的。或者杀了我。”但是这天以后，杰克再没和她说话。有时候他来得晚些，就在桌子上趴一节课；有时则根本不来。牛仔裤上的“0”已经被洗掉了。莉迪亚看看笔记，她已经记下了凯利老师写在黑板上的所有内容，她的课本也由于频繁的翻动而出现了磨损的痕迹。
Then, at the end of January, at dinner, her mother passed the salad and the dish of Hamburger Helper and looked at Lydia expectantly, tilting her head this way and that, like a pair of rabbit ears trying to catch the signal. Finally, she said, “Lydia, how is physics class?”
然后就到了一月底，一次晚餐时，她母亲端给莉迪亚一碟色拉和一盘通心粉，然后满怀期待地看着她，摇晃着脑袋，好像顶着一根寻找信号的电视天线。最后，玛丽琳开口了：“莉迪亚，物理学得怎么样？”
“How much better?” her mother said, a touch of sharpness in her voice.
“有多好？”她母亲问，声音有些急促。
“It’s fine.” Lydia speared a carrot coin on her fork. “Better. It’s getting better.”
“还不错，”莉迪亚叉起一片胡萝卜，“好多了，变得好多了。”
Her mother frowned, but she scooped up a piece of macaroni. “Ask your teacher if you can do some extra credit,” she said. “You don’t want this grade to sink you. With all your potential –“
她母亲皱起眉头，但还是铲起一勺通心粉。“问问老师，你能不能多做些题，多得学分，”她说，“你不会想停留在现在这个层次吧，你那么有潜力……”
Lydia jabbed her fork into a wedge of tomato. Only the wistfulness in her mother’s voice stopped her from screaming. “I know, Mom,” she said. She glanced across the table at Nath, hoping he’d change the subject, but Nath, who had other things on his mind, didn’t notice.
莉迪亚猛地戳起一块西红柿。她没有当场尖叫的唯一原因，是她听出了母亲声音里的失落。“我知道，妈妈。”她说着，看了桌子对面的内斯一眼，希望他能转移话题，但是内斯正想着别的事情，没有注意她们的对话。
Lydia chewed the carrot to a pulp. “We haven’t had a test yet. But I’m doing okay on the homework.” This was only half a lie. The first test of the term was the next week. In the meantime she stumbled through the assignments, copying the odd-numbered problems from the answers at the back of the book and fudging the even ones as best she could.
莉迪亚嚼烂胡萝卜。“我们现在还没有测验，但是，我家庭作业做得不错。”这话只有一半是撒谎：下周才会进行第一次测验，但是，她家庭作业完成得并不顺利，遇到奇数编号的题目，她会直接去抄书后面的答案，对于偶数编号的题目，她就尽量连蒙带猜，捏造答案。
“Lydia, how’s Shelley doing?” James asked. Lydia paused. Last summer, at her father’s urging, she’d invited Shelley over once, to hang out. Shelley, though, had seemed more interested in flirting with Nath, trying to get him to play catch in the yard, asking him whether he thought Lynda Carter or Lindsay Wagner was hotter. They hadn’t spoken since.
“莉迪亚，谢莉怎么样了？”詹姆斯问。莉迪亚顿住了。去年夏天，在父亲的敦促下，她邀请谢莉到家里来了一次。但谢莉似乎更愿意和内斯调情，她企图说服内斯和她去院子里玩接球游戏，还问他觉得琳达·卡特尔和琳赛·瓦格纳哪个更性感。从那时起，她们就没说过话。
“Maybe you can get involved, too,” James said. He wagged his fork at her, with the air of a wise man delivering an aphorism. “I’m sure they’d love your help. And how about Pam and Karen?”
“你说不定也可以去试试。”詹姆斯说着，冲她摇晃着叉子，仿佛一位智者在宣讲格言警句，“我敢肯定，他们喜欢让你帮忙。帕姆和卡伦怎么样了呢？”
“Shelley’s good,” she said. “Busy. She’s secretary of the student council.”
“谢莉很好，”她说，“她很忙。现在是学生会秘书。”
Lydia looked down at her plate, at the picked-over salad and the sad clump of beef and cheese beside it. The last time she’d talked to Karen was over a year ago, when her father had chauffeured them home from a matinee of One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. At first she’d been proud that, for once, her plans had not been a lie. Karen had just moved to town and Lydia, emboldened by her newness, had suggested a movie and Karen had said, “Okay, sure, why not.” Then, for the whole ride, her father had tried to show off how cool he was: “Five brothers and sisters, Karen? Just like the Brady Bunch! You watch that show?”
莉迪亚低头看着她的盘子，里面是母亲精挑细选的色拉、牛肉块和奶酪。她上一次和卡伦说话是在一年前，那天下午，她们看完《飞越疯人院》，詹姆斯开车送她们回家。最初，莉迪亚觉得自豪，因为这一次，她的电影计划并不是做戏给父亲看的：卡伦一家刚刚搬到镇上来，利用她的初来乍到，莉迪亚建议她们去看电影。卡伦说：“好的，当然，为什么不去呢。”然后，在路上，她父亲一直试图炫耀他有多么酷：“五个兄弟姐妹，卡伦？和《布雷迪一家子》一样！你看过那个电视剧吧？”
The next Monday, at lunch, she had paused beside Karen’s table and tried to smile. “Sorry about my dad,” she said. “God, he’s so embarrassing.”
接下来的那个星期一，午餐时，她在卡伦的桌边停住脚步，想对她微笑。“对不起，我爸爸……”她说，“天啊，他真是让人难堪。”
“Dad,” Lydia had said. “Dad.” But he’d kept going, asking Karen what the hot new records were these days, singing a line or two from “Waterloo,” which was already two years old. Karen had said, “Yeah,” and “No,” and “I don’t know” and fiddled with the bottom bead of her earring. Lydia had wanted to melt and seep into the seat cushions, deep down where the foam would block every bit of sound. She thought of saying something about the movie, but couldn’t think of anything. All she could think of was Jack Nicholson’s vacant eyes as the pillow came down to smother him. The silence swelled to fill the car until they pulled up in front of Karen’s house.
“爸爸，”莉迪亚说，“爸爸。”但他还是继续说，问卡伦现在什么样的唱片流行，还哼唱起《滑铁卢战役》里的旋律，而这首曲子在两年前就流行过，现在显然已经过时了。卡伦只会说“是”和“不”，还有“我不知道”，然后就开始摆弄她耳环上的坠饰。莉迪亚恨不得化成一摊水，渗进坐垫里，让里面的泡沫阻隔车厢里的所有声音。这一刻，她能想到的只有杰克·尼科尔森扮演的角色被枕头闷死时空洞的眼睛。沉默开始席卷整个车厢，直到他们在卡伦家门口停下了车为止。
Karen had peeled the lid from her yogurt and licked the foil clean and shrugged. “It’s okay,” she said. “Actually, it was sort of cute. I mean, he’s obviously just trying to help you fit in.”
卡伦揭开酸奶盒盖，舔干净盖子背面的锡纸，耸耸肩膀。“没关系，”她说，“实际上，那样还挺可爱的。我是说，他显然是想帮你适应环境。”
Now Lydia glared at her father, who grinned brightly at her, as if proud to know so much about her friends, to remember their names. A dog, she thought, waiting for a treat.
现在，莉迪亚怒视着她的父亲，他却正在朝她微笑——因为她有那么多的朋友，而他能够记住她们的名字。像狗一样，她想，狗需要得到奖励。
Nath took a deep breath. He had been waiting to bring something up all evening. “Dad? I need you to sign some forms.”
内斯深吸一口气。这天晚上，他一直打算说点什么。“爸爸，我需要你签一些表格。”
“Forms?” James said. “What for?”
“表格？”詹姆斯问，“干什么用的？”
“They’re great,” she said. “They’re both great.” At the other end of the table, Marilyn said quietly, “Stop badgering her, James. Let her eat her dinner,” and James said, a little less quietly, “I’m not the one nagging about her homework.” Hannah prodded a pebble of hamburger on her plate. Lydia caught Nath’s eye. Please, she thought. Say something.
“她们很好，”她说，“她俩都很好。”桌子另一头，玛丽琳平静地说：“别缠着她了，詹姆斯，让她吃饭吧。”詹姆斯有点激动地说：“我可没有一直唠叨她的家庭作业。”汉娜戳了一块汉堡放到自己盘子里。莉迪亚看着内斯的眼睛。拜托，她想，说点什么吧。
“For Harvard.” Nath set down his fork. “My housing application, and one for a campus visit. I could go in April, over a weekend. They have a student who’ll host me.” Now that he had started, the words tumbled out in a breathless blur. “I have enough saved for a bus ticket and I’ll only miss a few days of school. I just need your permission.”
“哈佛需要的，”内斯放下叉子，“我的宿舍申请表，还有校园参观申请。我四月份就能去，参观一个星期。他们会让一个学生接待我。”一旦开了口，他的语速就不由自主地加快，想要一口气说完，“我存了足够的钱买车票，只耽误几天的课，我需要你的许可。”
To her surprise, they nodded.
令她惊讶的是，他们点头了。
Miss a few days of school, Lydia thought. Their parents would never allow it.
耽误几天的课，莉迪亚想。他们的父母绝对不会允许的。
“That’s smart,” Marilyn said. “You’ll get a taste of campus life, for next year, when you’re there for real.” James said, “That’s an awfully long bus ride. I think we can afford a plane ticket for such a special occasion.” Nath grinned at his sister in double triumph: They’re off your back. And they said yes. Lydia, making trails in the cheese sauce with the tip of her knife, could think only one thing: He can’t wait to leave.
“那样很好，”玛丽琳说。“你可以先体验一下校园生活。等到明年，你就要开始真正的大学生活了。”詹姆斯说，“坐长途车可不好受。我想，为了这次特别的机会，我们负担得起机票。”内斯朝妹妹咧嘴一笑，满怀双重胜利的喜悦：他们不再追着你问这问那了；他们同意了我的请求。莉迪亚拿刀尖搅着奶酪酱，只有一个念头：他迫不及待地想走。
At the beginning, it seemed impossible. Jack hadn’t come to class in nearly a week, and she hovered near his car after school for days before she caught him alone. The first day, he came out of the building with a blond junior she didn’t know, and she ducked behind a bush and watched through the branches. Jack slid his hands into the girl’s pocket, then inside her coat, and when she pretended to be offended and pushed him away, he tossed her over his shoulder, threatening to throw her into the snowbank, while she squealed and giggled and hammered his back with her fists. Then Jack set her down and opened the door of the Beetle, and the blond girl climbed in, and they drove off, steam billowing from the tailpipe, and Lydia knew they wouldn’t be back. The second day, Jack didn’t show up at all, and Lydia eventually trudged home. The snow was calf-deep; there had been record low temperatures all winter. A hundred miles north, Lake Erie had frozen; in Buffalo, snow drowned the roofs of houses, swallowing power lines. At home, Nath, who had sat alone on the bus for the first time he could remember, demanded, “What happened to you?” and Lydia stomped upstairs without replying.
起初，这个心愿似乎难以实现。杰克几乎一周没有来上课了，放学后，她在他的汽车附近徘徊，终于发现了他的踪影。第一天，他从教学楼里出来，身边跟着一个金头发的高二女生。莉迪亚并不认识她，她蹲在树丛后面，透过树枝的空隙向外看。杰克把手伸进女孩的口袋，然后又滑进她的外衣，当她假装受到冒犯要推开他的时候，他一下子把她扛起来，威胁说要把她扔进路边的雪堆。女孩又叫又笑，拳头捶打着杰克的背。杰克放下她，敞开“甲壳虫”的车门，金发女孩钻进去，汽车开走了，排气管里冒出滚滚烟尘。莉迪亚知道，他们今天不会回来了。第二天，杰克没有露面，守候未果的莉迪亚只得疲惫地回家。积雪已经没到人们的小腿肚，这年冬天的最低气温突破了历史记录，向北一百英里处的伊利湖结了冰；布法罗的雪淹没了屋顶，吞噬了供电线路。在米德伍德，内斯头一次独自坐在校车上。回家后，看到莉迪亚，他问：“你是怎么了？”莉迪亚跺着脚上了楼，没有回答。
“You know who’s in my physics class now?” she said suddenly. “Jack Wolff, from down the street.” She nibbled a shred of iceberg and measured her family’s reaction. To her parents, the name slid past as if she hadn’t spoken. Her mother said, “Lyddie, that reminds me, I could help you go over your notes on Saturday, if you want.” Her father said, “I haven’t seen Karen in a while. Why don’t you two go to a movie sometime? I’ll drive you.” But Nath’s head, across the table, jerked up as if a rifle had gone off. Lydia smiled back down at her plate. And right then she decided that she and Jack were going to be friends.
“你们知道谁跟我一起上物理课吗？”她突然说，“杰克·伍尔夫，街角的那个杰克。”她咬了一小口汉堡，预测着家人的各种反应。她父母对这个名字无动于衷，她母亲说：“莉迪，这让我想起来，我星期六没法帮你复习笔记了，如果你不介意的话。”她父亲说：“我很久没见到卡伦了。你们两个为什么不找时间看场电影呢？我开车送你们去。”但是，坐在对面的内斯猛然抬起头，好像突然听到一声枪响似的。莉迪亚对着她的盘子微笑了一下。就在这时，她决定要和杰克做朋友。
“Mind giving me a ride home?” she said.
“不介意送我回家吧？”她说。
She shrugged, tugging her scarf back up to her neck. “Missed it.”
她耸耸肩，把围巾朝脖子后面拽了拽。“没赶上校车。”
On the third day, Jack came out of the building alone, and Lydia took a deep breath and ran down to the curb. As usual, Jack wore no coat, no gloves. Two bare, red fingertips pinched a cigarette.
第三天，杰克独自走出教学楼，莉迪亚做了个深呼吸，跑下人行道。像往常一样，杰克没穿大衣，没戴手套，两根冻得通红的手指夹着一支烟。
“Miss Lee.” Jack kicked a clump of snow off the front tire. “Aren’t you supposed to be on your school bus?”
“李小姐，”杰克踢掉前轮上的一块雪，“你难道不应该去坐校车吗？”
“I’m not going straight home.”
“我不直接回家。”
Now that she was in the car, she didn’t know what to say. Jack started the engine and eased the car into gear, and the big speedometer and gas gauge on the dashboard flicked to life. There were no other dials. Lydia thought of her parents’ cars: all the indicators and warning lights to tell you if the oil was too low, if the engine was too hot, if you were driving with the parking brake on or the door or the trunk or the hood open. They didn’t trust you. They needed to check you constantly, to remind you what to do and what not to do. She had never been alone with a boy before — her mother had forbidden her to go out with boys, not that she had ever tried — and it occurred to her that she had never had an actual conversation with Jack before. She had only a vague idea about the things that happened in the backseat. Out of the corner of her eye, she studied Jack’s profile, the faint stubble — darker than his sandy hair — that ran all the way up to his sideburns and all the way down to the soft part of his throat, like a smudge of charcoal waiting to be wiped away.
坐在车里，她不知道该说什么。杰克发动引擎，轻轻挂挡，车速表和油量表亮起来——除此之外，车上没有其他表盘。莉迪亚想起父母的车，那些指示器和警告灯会跳出来告诉你油量是否过低，引擎是否过热，行驶时是否没有放下手刹，车门、后备箱和发动机盖是否关闭。它们需要一直监视你，提醒你该做什么、不该做什么。她从未和男孩独处过——她母亲禁止她和男孩出去，她也没有试过——她意识到自己从来没和杰克有过像样的对话。对于杰克车后座上发生的那些事的传闻，她只是有个模糊的印象。她拿眼角的余光打量杰克的侧影：浅淡的胡茬——但比他的棕色头发要深——一直延伸到鬓角和喉咙上方，像一大块需要抹拭干净的被浓烟熏黑的痕迹。
“I don’t mind. It’s too cold to walk.”
“我不介意，走路太冷了。”
“He’s not my keeper.” It came out louder than she meant, and Jack laughed out a puff of smoke and climbed into the driver’s seat. Lydia, cheeks scarlet, had nearly turned away when he leaned over and popped up the knob on the passenger side.
“他又不是我的保姆。”她无意识地提高了声音说。杰克笑了，喷出一团白烟，钻进车里。莉迪亚红着脸上了车，杰克靠过来锁副驾驶这边的车门时，她差点尴尬得转身离开。
Jack fumbled in his hip pocket for his keys. “Are you sure your brother wants you hanging out with a guy like me?” he said, one eyebrow raised.
杰克在裤子后袋里乱摸了一阵，掏出钥匙。“你确定你哥哥愿意你和我这样的人混在一起？”他说着，挑起一边的眉毛。
“So,” she said. Her fingers twitched, and she tucked them into her coat pocket. “Can I bum a cigarette?”
“那么，”她说完，手指抽动着伸进外衣口袋，“我能来支烟吗？”
Jack laughed. “You’re so full of shit. You don’t smoke.” He offered the pack anyway, and Lydia plucked out a cigarette. She’d thought it would be solid and heavy, like a pencil, but it was light, like nothing at all. Without taking his eyes off the road, Jack tossed her his lighter.
杰克笑了。“真是胡说八道，你不抽烟。”不过，他还是递过烟盒，莉迪亚抽出一支。她原以为香烟像铅笔一样结实沉重，但拿到手却觉得很轻，杰克眼睛盯着路面，把他的打火机扔给她。
Lydia could not ignore the scorn in his voice, and she was unsure if he was laughing at her, or Nath, or both of them at once. “I’m not a child,” she said, lighting the cigarette and putting it to her lips. The smoke burned in her lungs and made her head spin and suddenly she felt sharp and aware. Like cutting your finger, she thought: the pain, and the blood, reminded you that you were alive. She breathed out, a tiny cyclone funneling between her teeth, and held out the lighter. Jack waved a hand.
莉迪亚无法忽略他语气中的鄙视，她不确定杰克是在取笑她还是内斯，或者同时嘲笑他们两个人。“我又不是小孩。”她点燃香烟，往嘴里一塞。烟雾灼烧她的肺，让她头晕，但接着，她就来了精神。像切手指一样，她想，疼痛和血提醒你，你还活着。她往外吐气，一小股白烟旋转着从牙缝中钻出来，她递过打火机，杰克摆摆手。
“So you decided you didn’t need your brother to chaperone you home today.”
“这么说，你觉得今天不需要你哥哥护送你回家了。”
“Stick it in the glove compartment.”
“放在贮物箱里吧。”
Lydia snapped open the catch and a small blue box fell out and landed at her feet. She froze, and Jack laughed.
莉迪亚打开箱盖，一个蓝色的小盒子掉出来，落到她脚上。她僵住了，杰克笑起来。
Lydia hesitated. She took a long drag, imitating Jack, and tipped her head back as she exhaled. “I don’t care about physics. I could give a rat’s ass.”
莉迪亚踌躇了。她学着杰克的样子，慢慢地吸了一口烟，头向后一靠，吐出烟雾。“我不关心物理，根本不在乎。”
“Are you still failing?”
“你还是不及格吗？”
Lydia, her face burning, scooped up the condoms and tucked them back into the open box. “Sure I have.” She slid them back into the glove compartment, along with the lighter, and tried to change the subject. “So what did you think of the physics test today?”
莉迪亚脸似火烧。她捞起散落出来的安全套，塞回盒子里。“当然见过。”她把盒子和打火机一起放进贮物箱，试图转移话题，“你觉得今天的物理测验怎么样？”
“What’s the matter? Never seen Trojans before, Miss Lee?”
“怎么啦？没见过特洛伊，李小姐？”
“Bullshit,” Jack said. “Then how come whenever Mr. Kelly hands back an assignment, you look like you’re going to cry?”
“胡说，”杰克说，“那为什么凯利老师每次把作业还给你，你看上去都快哭了？”
“Are you?”
“你呢？”
Jack snorted. “I didn’t think you cared about physics.”
杰克哼了一声。“我不觉得你关心什么物理。”
She hadn’t realized it was so obvious, and a hot flush flared in her cheeks and trickled down her neck. Beneath her, the seat creaked and a spring prodded her thigh, like a knuckle.
她没有意识到自己表现得那么明显，脸上的红晕蔓延到了脖子上，身下的座位吱吱作响，一只弹簧戳着她的大腿，像有人在用膝盖顶她。
“Little Miss Lee, smoking,” Jack said, clucking his tongue. “Won’t your brother be upset when he finds out?”
“年纪还小的李小姐，抽烟，”杰克阴阳怪气地说，“要是你哥哥发现了，不会觉得难过吗？”
“Not as upset as he’d be to find out I was in your car.” Lydia grinned. Jack didn’t seem to notice. He rolled down the window and a cold rush of air burst into the car as he flicked his cigarette butt into the street.
“他要是发现我坐在你车上，会更难过。”莉迪亚笑道。杰克跟没听见一样。他放下车窗，一道寒流钻了进来，他把烟蒂丢到大街上。
Abruptly, Jack pulled to the side of the road. They had just reached the lake, and his eyes were cold and still, like the iced-over water behind him. “Maybe you’d better get out, then. You don’t want someone like me corrupting you. Ruining your chances of getting into Harvard like your brother.”
杰克突然把车往路边一停，他们刚抵达湖边。他的眼神阴冷平静，就像他身后结冰的水面。“也许你还是下车比较好，既然你不想让我这样的人把你带坏，毁掉你和你哥哥一样上哈佛的机会。”
“I’m not like him, you know,” she said.
“我和他不一样，你知道。”她说。
“Hates me that much, does he?”
“他就这么讨厌我？”
He must really hate Nath, Lydia thought. As much as Nath hates him. She imagined them in class together all these years: Nath sitting close to the front, notebook out, one hand rubbing the little furrow between his eyebrows, the way he did when he was thinking hard. Utterly focused, oblivious to everything else, the answer right there, sealed inside his mouth. And Jack? Jack would be sprawled in the back corner, shirt untucked, one leg stretched into the aisle. So comfortable. So certain of himself. Not worried about what anyone thought. No wonder they couldn’t stand each other.
他一定真的讨厌内斯，莉迪亚想，像内斯讨厌他一样。她想象着他们是怎么上课的：内斯坐在前排，笔记本摊开，一只手摩挲着眉心的皱纹，这是他苦思冥想时的招牌动作。他聚精会神，浑然忘我，终于得出答案。杰克呢？杰克一定是趴在后排的角落里，敞着衬衫，跷着二郎腿，一派安逸，洋洋自得，根本不在乎别人对他的看法。难怪他们两人合不来。
“Come on,” Lydia said. “Everybody knows what happens in this car.”
“得了吧，”莉迪亚说，“人人都知道这辆车上发生过什么。”
Lydia blinked. “My mom’s American.”
莉迪亚眨眨眼：“我妈妈是美国人。”
Jack studied her for a long moment, as if trying to decide if this were true. Beneath the backseat, the engine idled with a growl. The ash at the end of her cigarette lengthened, like a gray worm, but she said nothing, just breathed a thin cloud of fog into the frozen air and forced herself to meet Jack’s narrowing gaze.
杰克打量了她好一会，似乎在判断她的话是不是真的。甲壳虫汽车后座下的引擎空转着，发出阵阵咆哮。莉迪亚手中的烟卷积了很长一条烟灰，像一条灰虫。她什么都没说，只是在冰冷的空气中吐出一条细线，强迫自己迎接杰克怀疑的审视。
“How did you get blue eyes?” he said at last. “When you’re Chinese and all?”
“你的眼睛怎么是蓝的？”他终于问，“你不是中国人吗？”
“Not always, I guess.”
“不总是这样，我猜。”
Up close, she could see a constellation of freckles on Jack’s cheek, faded now, but still there. As her brother had long ago, Lydia counted them: nine.
只要她一抬头，就能看到杰克脸上的雀斑，虽然现在颜色变浅了，但没有消失——像她哥哥很久以前做的那样，莉迪亚也数了数：九颗。
“You know you’re the only girl in this school who’s not white?”
“你知道你是这所学校里唯一不是白人的女孩吗？”
“I thought brown eyes won out.” Jack propped his hand against her headrest and leaned in to study her carefully, like a jeweler with a gemstone. Under this appraisal, the back of Lydia’s neck tingled, and she turned away and ashed her cigarette into the tray.
“我以为棕色眼睛会胜出。”杰克一只手撑在她座位的头靠上，凑过去仔细研究她，好像珠宝商在观察宝石。莉迪亚觉得脖子后面非常不自在，她扭头把烟灰掸进烟灰缸。
“I’ve never seen a Chinese person with blue eyes.”
“我从来没见过蓝眼睛的中国人。”
“Yeah? I didn’t realize.” This was a lie. Even with blue eyes, she could not pretend she blended in.
“是吗？我没意识到。”她在说谎。尽管有一双蓝眼睛，但她没法假装自己跟她们一样。
“You and Nath, you’re practically the only Chinese people in the whole of Middlewood, I bet.”
“你和内斯，你们实际上是米德伍德仅有的中国人，我敢打赌。”
Jack settled back into his seat and rubbed at a small dent in the plastic of the steering wheel. Then, after a moment, he said, “What’s that like?”
杰克靠回座位，抚摩着方向盘上的一个小凹陷。然后过了一会，他说：“那是什么感觉？”
“Probably.”
“有可能。”
“What’s it like?” Lydia hesitated. Sometimes you almost forgot: that you didn’t look like everyone else. In homeroom or at the drugstore or at the supermarket, you listened to morning announcements or dropped off a roll of film or picked out a carton of eggs and felt like just another someone in the crowd. Sometimes you didn’t think about it at all. And then sometimes you noticed the girl across the aisle watching, the pharmacist watching, the checkout boy watching, and you saw yourself reflected in their stares: incongruous. Catching the eye like a hook. Every time you saw yourself from the outside, the way other people saw you, you remembered all over again. You saw it in the sign at the Peking Express — a cartoon man with a coolie hat, slant eyes, buckteeth, and chopsticks. You saw it in the little boys on the playground, stretching their eyes to slits with their fingers — Chinese — Japanese — look at these — and in the older boys who muttered ching chong ching chong ching as they passed you on the street, just loud enough for you to hear. You saw it when waitresses and policemen and bus drivers spoke slowly to you, in simple words, as if you might not understand. You saw it in photos, yours the only black head of hair in the scene, as if you’d been cut out and pasted in. You thought: Wait, what’s she doing there? And then you remembered that she was you. You kept your head down and thought about school, or space, or the future, and tried to forget about it. And you did, until it happened again.
“什么什么感觉？”莉迪亚迟疑道。有时候，你几乎会忘了这一点——你看上去和别人不一样。在教室、药店或者超市，当你听到铃声、掉下一盒胶卷或者选出一箱鸡蛋的时候，你会觉得自己和其他人一样，有时你根本不会想到这个问题。其他时候，你会发现，走廊对面的女孩在看你，药剂师盯着你，收银员也在盯着你，你这才意识到自己在他们眼中的形象，格格不入。他们的眼神仿佛带着钩子。每次站在他们的视角看自己，都会再次体验那种感觉，想起自己的与众不同。你一定见过电影《北平快车》里面的标志性形象——扛箱子的中国小工，戴着苦力帽，眼睛歪斜，牙齿突出，吃饭用筷子；也在操场上见过那些男孩对着同学指指点点——中国人——日本人——快看他们；在街上，大一点的孩子嘟囔着“ching chong ching chong”与你擦身而过，音量不高不低，刚好让你听到。女服务员、警察和公交车司机慢慢和你说话，尽量使用简单的词语，怕你听不懂。合照里面，你是唯一的黑头发，你的形象好像是从别处剪下来贴上去的。你会想：等等，她为什么在那里？又一想，原来“她”就是你。你低着头，想着学校、太空或者未来，试图忘记这件事，当时也确实能忘记，但是，总有人和事能够再次提醒你想起。
Jack stayed silent for a long time, staring down at the castle in the center of the steering wheel. They would never be friends now. He hated Nath, and after what she’d just said, he would hate her, too. He would kick her out of the car and drive away. Then, to Lydia’s surprise, Jack pulled the pack of cigarettes from his pocket and held it out. A peace offering.
杰克注视着方向盘中间的城堡标志沉默良久。他们现在永远成不了朋友。他讨厌内斯，根据她刚才说的话，他也会讨厌她。他完全可以把她踢出车外，扬长而去。然而，莉迪亚惊奇地看到，杰克从口袋里拿出烟盒递了过来。这是表示和解的礼物。
Lydia did not wonder where they would go. She did not think, then, about what excuse she’d offer her mother, the excuse that — with an inspired smirk — would be her cover for all her afternoons with Jack: that she’d stayed after school to do physics extra credit. She did not even think about Nath’s shocked and anxious face when he learned where she had been. Looking out over the lake, she could not know that in three months she would be at its bottom. At that moment she simply took the proffered cigarette and, as Jack flicked the lighter, touched its tip to the flame.
莉迪亚没想过他们会去哪儿，她也没考虑应该怎么向母亲解释晚回家的原因，她需要找个借口——想到这里，她得意地笑了一下——掩盖自己整个下午都和杰克在一起的事实，比如，她留在学校里做老师额外布置的物理题。她甚至都没有去想内斯知道真相后会是多么的震惊和焦虑。望着湖面的她，不会知道三个月后自己就葬身湖底，她接过杰克递来的香烟，就着他点燃的打火机，把烟头凑了过去。
“I dunno,” she said. “People decide what you’re like before they even get to know you.” She eyed him, suddenly fierce. “Kind of like you did with me. They think they know all about you. Except you’re never who they think you are.”
“我不知道，”她说，“人们都是以貌取人。”她看着他，突然愤慨起来，“就像你对我一样。他们自以为十分了解你，但实际上完全不是这么回事。”
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