Elsa’s granny lived in another rhythm from other people. She operated in a different way. In the real world, in relation to everything that functioned, she was chaotic. But when the real world crumbles, when everything turns into chaos, then people like Elsa’s granny can sometimes be the only ones who stay functional. That was another of her superpowers. When Granny was headed for some far-off place, you could only be sure of one thing: that it was a place everyone else was trying to get away from. And if anyone asked her why she was doing it, she’d answer, “I’m a doctor, for God’s sake, and ever since I became one I’ve not allowed myself the luxury of choosing whose life I should be saving.”
爱莎的外婆与其他人生活的节奏不同，运作方式也不一样。在真实世界，如果一切运转正常，那她就是一团乱。但当真实世界崩溃，所有事情陷入混乱时，外婆这样的人有时却是仅有的能保持正常的人。那是她的另一项超能力。如果外婆去了远方，你就能确定一件事：那里正是其他人都想要逃离的地方。如果有人问她为什么要这么做，她会回答：“我是个医生好吗？自从干了这行，我可不会允许自己有这种奢侈——选择我要救的对象。”
So many hearts broke the day Elsa was born. Shattered with such force by the wave that the shards of glass were dispersed all around the world. Improbable catastrophes produce improbable things in people, improbable sorrow and improbable heroism. More death than human senses can comprehend. Two boys carrying their mother to safety and then turning back for their father. Because a family does not leave anyone behind. And yet, in the end, that is precisely what they did, her boys. Left her alone.
爱莎出生那天，许多人的心破碎了。威力巨大的海浪，打得满世界都是玻璃碎片。超乎寻常的灾难带给人们难以承受的怆痛和非同一般的英雄气概。人类遭遇了无法计算的死亡。两个男孩将他们的妈妈带到安全地带后，又回去找他们的父亲，因为一家人不能抛下任何一员。可是最后，他们恰恰这么做了，她的男孩们抛下了她一个人。
She wasn’t big on efficiency and economics, Granny, but everyone listened to her when there was chaos. The other doctors wouldn’t be seen dead with her on a good day, but when the world collapsed into pieces they followed her like an army. Because improbable tragedies create improbable superheroes.
外婆并不热衷于效率和经济，但当一切混乱不堪时，每个人都会听她的。在太平的日子里，其他医生就算死都不想被人看见他们和外婆待在一块儿，但当世界分崩离析时，他们会像一支军队般追随她。因为超乎寻常的悲剧造就非同一般的英雄。
And then Granny had squeezed her forefingers hard and replied, “Then we do what everyone does, we do everything we can.” Elsa had crept up into her lap and asked: “But what can we do?” And then Granny had kissed her hair and held her hard, hard, hard and whispered: “We pick up as many children as we can carry, and we run as fast as we can.”
外婆用力捏着她的手指回答：“那我们要做每个人都会做的事，做每一件我们能做的事。”爱莎爬上外婆的大腿，问：“但我们能做什么呢？”外婆亲了亲她的头发，紧紧、紧紧地抱住她，低声说：“我们尽可能多地带上所有孩子，然后跑得越远越好。”
Once, late one night when they were on their way to Miamas, Elsa had asked Granny about it, about how it felt to be somewhere when the world crumbles. And how it was being in the Land-of-Almost-Awake during the War-Without-End and what it was like when they saw that wave breaking over the ninety-nine snow-angels. And Granny had answered: “It’s like the very worst thing you could dream up, worked out by the most evil thing you could imagine and multiplied by a figure you can’t even imagine.” Elsa had been very afraid that night, and she had asked Granny what they would do if one day their world crumbled around them.
某天晚上，在前往密阿玛斯的路上，爱莎问外婆身处世界毁灭的地方是什么感受，在无尽战争中的不眠大陆又是什么感觉，看着大浪摧毁九十九个雪天使是怎样的情形。外婆回答：“那是你能梦见的最可怕的事，被你能想象到的最邪恶的东西操控，以你想都不敢想的数量一次次重演。”爱莎那晚被吓坏了，她问外婆，如果有一天她们的世界被摧毁，她们该怎么办。
The day Elsa was born, Granny was far away. In a war. She had been there for months, but was on her way to an aircraft. On her way home. That was when she heard about the wave in another place even farther away, from which everyone was in desperate flight. So she went, because they needed her. She had time to help many children escape death, but not the boys of the woman with the black skirt. So she brought home the woman with the black skirt instead.
爱莎出生那天，外婆离家很远，身处一场战争之中。她在那儿已经待了好几个月，当时正在乘飞机回来的路上。她听说了更遥远的地方的那场巨浪，每个人都绝望地从那里逃走。所以，她去了，因为他们需要她。她来得及帮助很多孩子死里逃生，却没能救得了黑裙女人的两个儿子。所以，她把黑裙女人带回了家。
Elsa and Mum sit in Kia. It’s morning and there’s a traffic jam. Snowflakes as big as pillowcases are falling on the windshield.
爱莎和妈妈坐在起亚里。现在是早晨，正在堵车。一片片大得像枕套似的雪花飘落在挡风玻璃上。
“I’m good at running,” Elsa had whispered.
“我很擅长逃跑。”爱莎小声说。
Elsa can’t remember the last time she heard Mum tell such a long story. Mum hardly ever tells stories, but this one was so long that Mum fell asleep in the middle of it last night and had to pick it up in the car on the way to school.
爱莎想不起妈妈上一次讲这么长的故事是什么时候的事了，妈妈几乎从不讲故事，但这个故事那么长，妈妈昨晚说到一半就睡着了，只能在去学校的路上继续讲下去。
“Me too,” Granny had whispered back.
“我也是。”奶奶低声说。
“Why was it her last journey?” asks Elsa.
“为什么这是她最后一趟旅程呢？”爱莎问。
“That was your grandmother’s last journey,” says Mum. “She came home after that.”
“那是你外婆最后一趟旅程，”妈妈说，“之后她就回家了。”
She sighs, and regret floods her gaze.
她叹了口气，目光中带着悔意。
Mum smiles with an emotional combination of melancholy and joy that only she in the entire world has fully mastered.
妈妈笑了，脸上喜忧参半，全世界只有她能完美掌握这样的表情。
“I’ve never spoken much to her. I don’t think anyone in the house wanted to ask too many questions. We let your grandmother handle it. And then…”
“我没跟她说过什么话。我觉得楼里任何人都不想问太多问题，我们让你外婆处理这事。后来…”
“She got a new job.” And then she looks as if she is remembering something unexpected. As if the memory just fell out of a cracked vase. “You were born prematurely. They were concerned about your heart so we had to stay at the hospital for several weeks with you. Granny came back with her on the same day we came home…”
“她有了份新工作。”说完，妈妈像是想起了什么出乎意料的事，仿佛记忆刚刚从一个破裂的花瓶中倾倒出来。“你早产了。他们很担心你心脏不好，所以我们得和你一起在医院里多待好几周。我们回家的同一天，外婆带着她回来…”
Elsa realizes that she means the woman in the black skirt. Mum clutches Kia’s steering wheel hard.
爱莎意识到她说的是黑裙女人。妈妈紧紧抓着起亚的方向盘。
“Does it make me a terrible person that I’ve forgotten?”
“我是不是个很糟糕的人，居然忘记了这样的事？”
Mum turns to Elsa. Tries unsuccessfully to smile.
妈妈看看爱莎，试图微笑，但没成功。
“… then the years just went by. And we were busy. And now she’s just someone who lives in our house. To be quite honest with you, I’d forgotten that was how she first moved in. You two moved in on the same day…”
“…后来年复一年，我们都很忙，而现在她就只是住在我们楼里的某个人。老实跟你说，我已经忘记她刚搬进来时的情况了。你们俩是同一天搬进来的…”
“How often did Granny go away?” she asks instead.
“外婆以前多久离开一次？”她问。
Elsa shakes her head. She was going to say something about The Monster and the wurse, but she doesn’t because she’s worried Mum won’t let her see them anymore if she knows. Mums can have a lot of strange principles when it comes to social interaction between their children and monsters and wurses. Elsa understands that everyone is scared of them, and that it will take a long time to make them all understand that The Monster and the wurse — like the drunk — are not what they seem.
爱莎摇了摇头。她本想说说怪物和呜嘶的事，又担心妈妈知道后会不让他们再见面，就没开口。涉及自己的孩子和怪物、呜嘶之间的社交活动，妈妈可能会有很多奇怪的原则。爱莎明白，所有人都害怕他们，要花很长时间才能让人们明白，怪物和呜嘶，正如醉鬼，并不是他们看上去的那样。
A silver-colored car behind them sounds its horn when she allows a space to develop between her and the car in front. Mum releases the brake and Kia slowly rolls forward.
妈妈的车和前面那辆拉开了些距离，一辆银色汽车在她们身后发出喇叭声。妈妈松了刹车，起亚慢慢地向前挪了一点儿。
“Was that what you meant that time Granny said you became an economist just to spite her?”
“那次外婆说，你成为经济学家是为了向她泄愤。你后来说的话就是这个意思吗？”
“It varied. It depended on where she was needed, and for how long.”
“说不准，取决于哪里需要她，需要多久。”
The car behind them sounds its horn again.
她们后面那辆车的喇叭又响了起来。
“I heard you. Like a mega-long time ago. When Granny said you became an economist because you were in teenage rebellion. And you said, ‘How do you know? You were never here!’ That was what you meant, wasn’t it?”
“我听见你们说的。很久很久之前。外婆说你成为一名经济学家是因为你在叛逆期。然后你说：‘你怎么知道我青少年时是怎样的？你都不在我身边？’你的意思就是这个，对吗？”
Elsa fiddles with the rubber seal in the door.
爱莎摆弄着车门的橡胶密封条。
“What?”
“什么？”
“Maybe.”
“也许吧。”
“Is that why you were always arguing?”
“这就是你们一直吵架的原因吗？”
“Yes. Yes, sometimes it was probably for that reason we were arguing. But sometimes it was about other things. Your grandmother and I were very… different.”
“是的。是的，有时这是我们吵架的原因。但有时是其他事情。你外婆和我…非常不同。”
“And Granny left you?”
“然后外婆离开你了？”
The car behind Kia beeps its horn again. Mum closes her eyes and holds her breath. And only when she finally releases the hand brake and lets Kia roll forward does she release the word from her lips, as if it had to force its way through.
起亚后面的汽车再次鸣喇叭。妈妈闭上眼睛，屏住呼吸。她终于松开手刹，让起亚向前缓行，开了口，就好像语言强行从口中通过。
“Your grandmother went where she was needed, darling.”
“你的外婆去了需要她的地方，亲爱的。”
“Not you. You never lose control.”
“你不是。你永远都不会失控的。”
“I was angry, Elsa. Sometimes it’s hard to control what you say, when you’re angry.”
“我当时很生气，爱莎。有时候，当你在气头上，很难控制自己说的话。”
“Twelve.”
“十二岁。”
“How old were you when Grandfather died?”
“外公死的时候你多大？”
Mum sighs deeply as only a parent who has just realized that she has strayed considerably further into a story than she was intending is capable of sighing.
妈妈深深地叹了口气。父母们在意识到自己的故事被扯远，远远偏离了他们的本意时，只能叹气。
“With your grandmother it was… more difficult.”
“外婆的事情…很不一样。”
“No. You were just different in different ways.”
“不。你们只是有各自的特别之处。”
“Others needed her more.”
“别人更需要她。”
“What else did you argue about?”
“你们还吵点儿什么？”
“Didn’t you need her though?”
“但你不需要她吗？”
Mum tries to smile again.
妈妈又试图挤出个笑容。
“It’s complicated,” says Elsa, even though it isn’t really, if one has read enough quality literature.
“这解释起来挺复杂的。”爱莎回答，但其实这并不怎么复杂，对一个读了足够多好书的人来说。
“Insane.” Elsa nods in agreement.
“超级厉害。”爱莎点头同意。
She decides not to point out that Jean Grey can also do telekinesis, because she doesn’t want to make things more complicated than necessary for Mum right now. She is pregnant, after all.
她决定不提琴·格雷还有意念取物的能力，不想让妈妈觉得太复杂。毕竟，妈妈现在怀着孕。
“A superhero. From X-Men. Wolverine and Cyclops both loved her. So they argued so much about her, it was totally insane.”
“一位超级英雄。《X战警》里的。金刚狼和镭射眼都爱她，所以他们总为了她争吵，简直是疯了。”
“Why?”
“为什么？”
So instead, Elsa pulls the rubber seal on the door. Peers down into the gap. She is incredibly tired, as tired as an almost-eight-year-old gets after staying up all night feeling angry. Elsa’s mum never had a mum of her own, because Granny was always somewhere else, to help someone else. Elsa has never thought of Granny in that way.
所以，爱莎什么都没说，只是拉扯着车门上的橡胶封条，端详车窗缝隙。她非常困倦，就像一个八岁孩子因为生气一夜没睡的那种程度。爱莎的妈妈从没拥有过自己的妈妈，因为外婆总是在别处帮助他人。爱莎也从没想过外婆是这样的。
“So what kind of superpower does this Jean Grey have, then?”
“那么，琴·格雷有什么超能力呢？”
“Telepathy.”
“心灵感应。”
“Good superpower.”
“厉害。”
“I thought those X-Men were mutants, not superheroes. Isn’t that what you said last time we spoke about them?”
“我还以为那些X战警是变种人，不是超级英雄呢。上次我们聊到他们的时候，你不是这么说的吗？”
“Like Jean Grey,” Elsa observes, as if it were absolutely obvious.
“就像琴·格雷。”爱莎评论道，显而易见的口吻。
“Because when you love someone very much, it’s difficult to learn to share her with someone else.”
“因为当你非常爱某个人时，很难学会和别人分享她。”
“Who?”
“谁？”
“You. We always argued about you, darling.”
“你。我们总是为了你吵架，亲爱的。”
“No, my darling, darling girl. Never. Never!”
“不，我的宝贝姑娘。绝对不是的。不是的！”
Elsa snorts.
爱莎哼了一声。
“Never angry…” whispers Mum, and reaches across the seat before she adds, in a whisper: “Jealous.”
“从来没生过气…”妈妈低声说，探过身子，小声补充，“只是嫉妒。”
Elsa nods and looks down again into the gap in the door.
爱莎点点头，再次看向车门上的缝隙。
“Everyone has secrets, darling.”
“每个人都有秘密，亲爱的。”
“So that’s what Granny meant,” she states.
“原来外婆是这个意思。”她说。
“Are you angry with me because Granny and I had secrets?” She thinks about the secret language, which they always spoke so Mum wouldn’t understand. She thinks about the Land-of-Almost-Awake, and wonders if Granny ever took Mum there.
“你气我，是因为外婆和我有共同的秘密吗？”她想到了秘密语言，她们总是用这语言来说话，让妈妈不明白。她想到了不眠大陆，不知道外婆是否曾带妈妈去过。
“She said I’d hate her if I found out who she was before I was born. That’s what she meant. That I’d find out that she was a crappy mum who left her own child –“
“她说，如果我发现我出生前她是怎样的人，我就会恨她。这就是她的意思。我果然发现她是个坏妈妈，离开自己的小孩…”
“I’m angry with her. For not telling the truth.”
“我生她的气，因为她没有说实话。”爱莎说。
Mum shakes her head so quickly and vehemently that Elsa immediately understands whatever she’s about to say will be a lie.
妈妈摇头，摇得又快又猛。爱莎立即明白，她接下来说的都是谎话。
The feeling of guilt hits Elsa like cold water when you’re least expecting it.
在爱莎最没有防备之时，内疚像冰水一样袭来。
“What did she say?” Mum asks.
“她说了什么？”妈妈问。
“Are you angry with me because Granny was so much with me and never with you?” she asks carefully.
“你生我的气，是因为外婆总和我在一起，从没陪过你吗？”她小心翼翼地问。
Elsa defiantly pulls at the rubber seal.
爱莎不服气地扯着橡胶条。
“Yeah, until he died!”
“对啊，直到他死了！”
“So why is she such a nightmare to you now, then?”
“那她现在为什么对你这么坏，啊？”
“But she left you by yourself. All those times she went off, she left you on your own, didn’t she?”
“但她抛下你一个人。她每次走，就留下你一个人，不是吗？”
And when Elsa doesn’t answer, Mum puts her hand against Elsa’s cheek and whispers, “All daughters are angry with their mothers about something. But she was a good grandmother, Elsa. She was the most fantastic grandmother anyone could imagine.”
爱莎没有回答，妈妈把手放在爱莎的脸蛋上，小声说：“所有的女儿都会因为这样那样的事情对自己的妈妈生气。但她是一位很好的外婆，爱莎。她是任何人所能想到的最神奇的外婆。”
“I had your grandfather when I was small.”
“我小时候身边有你的外公。”
“She didn’t leave me. You mustn’t hate your granny, darling.”
“她没有离开我。你不能恨外婆，亲爱的。”
“What neighbors?” Elsa wants to know.
“什么邻居？”爱莎好奇地问。
The car behind beeps its horn. Mum makes an apologetic gesture at the back window and Kia rolls forward.
后面的车又开始按喇叭。妈妈朝后窗做了个抱歉的手势，起亚缓缓向前。
“When he died I had the neighbors.”
“他死后，我还有邻居。”
“Britt-Marie,” says Mum at last.
“布里特—玛丽。”妈妈终于开口。
Elsa stops fiddling with the rubber seal in the door. “What do you mean, Britt-Marie?”
爱莎不再摆弄车门橡胶条：“什么意思，布里特—玛丽？”
“She took care of me.”
“她照顾过我。”
Mum turns to her with eyes so shiny that Elsa can see her own reflection in them.
妈妈转过头，眼睛亮得让爱莎能在里面看见自己的倒影。
Elsa’s eyebrows sink into a scowling V-shape.
爱莎的眉毛阴沉地挤成V字。
“Yes, until someone explains it to you! But when I asked Granny about it, she always changed the subject. And when I ask Dad, he says, ‘Eh… eh… what do you want? You want an ice cream? You can have an ice cream!’ ”
“是啊，除非有人解释给你听！但我问外婆这件事的时候，她总是换话题。然后我问爸爸的时候，他总说：‘呃…呃…你想要什么？要个冰激凌吗？给你买个冰激凌吧！’”
Mum sighs through her nose.
妈妈从鼻子里叹了声气。
“It’s complicated.”
“这很复杂。”
The car behind them beeps its horn again.
后面的喇叭声又响起。
Mum blinks so slowly that her eyes are closed.
妈妈慢慢地眨着眼睛，慢得几乎要闭起来了。
“Is that why Granny isn’t in any of the old photos at home?” asks Elsa.
“是不是因为这些事，所以家里那些旧照片里都没有外婆？”爱莎问。
“What?”
“什么？”
“She’s still an idiot.”
“她还是个傻瓜。”
“Granny isn’t in any of the photos from before I was born. When I was small I thought it was because she was a vampire, because they can’t be seen in photos, and they can smoke as much as they want without getting a sore throat. But she wasn’t a vampire, was she? She was just never at home.”
“我出生前的照片里都没有外婆。我小时候觉得她是个吸血鬼，因为照片照不出吸血鬼，而且他们可以尽情抽烟，不会嗓子疼。但她不是吸血鬼，对吧？她只是从不在家。”
“People can turn into idiots if they’re alone for long enough,” agrees Mum.
“如果一个人寂寞太久，是可能变成傻瓜的。”妈妈点头。
“Britt-Marie wasn’t always like that. She’s just… lonely.”
“布里特—玛丽以前不是这样的。她只是…寂寞。”
Elsa goes back to fiddling with the rubber seal on the door.
爱莎又开始玩起门上的橡胶条。
“But she is!”
“但她就是！”
“Don’t say that, Elsa.”
“别这么说，爱莎。”
“There are many ways of being alone, darling.”
“有很多种寂寞，宝贝。”
“She’s got Kent!”
“她有肯特啊！”
“Was Granny a vampire or not?”
“外婆到底是不是只吸血鬼啦？”
Elsa can’t understand how anyone can be in such a hurry to move five yards in a traffic jam. She looks in the rearview mirror at the man in the car behind them. He seems to think the traffic jam is being caused by Elsa’s mum. Elsa wishes with every fiber of her being that Mum would do what she did when she was pregnant with Elsa, and get out of the car and roar at the guy and tell him enough’s bloody enough.
爱莎不明白，在堵车的情况下，怎么会有人这么急切地要往前移个五米。她在后视镜里看着后面那辆车上的男人。他似乎认为堵车是她妈妈造成的。爱莎身体里的每一条神经都希望妈妈能像当年怀着自己的时候一样，下车冲那个家伙大吼，告诉他真他妈够了。
“Your granny traveled around the world saving children’s lives, darling. She was a…”
“你外婆周游世界，拯救孩子们的生命，亲爱的。她是…”
“A superhero! Your granny was a superhero!”
“超级英雄！你外婆是一位超级英雄！”
“Superheroes don’t leave their own children.”
“超级英雄不会抛弃他们自己的小孩。”
The car behind them beeps its horn again. Mum’s hand shoots up apologetically towards the back window, and Kia rolls forward a few yards. Elsa realizes that she’s sitting there hoping Mum will start yelling. Or crying. Or anything. She just wants to see her feel something.
后面的车又鸣喇叭了。妈妈冲着后车窗抱歉地伸了伸手，起亚向前开动了几米。爱莎意识到，自己坐在这儿正等着妈妈发飙大吼，或者大哭出来，或者任何反应。她只想看到妈妈表现出什么情绪。
But both she and Elsa know she doesn’t mean it.
但她和爱莎都明白，她的话并不出自真心。
Mum suddenly laughs explosively. Elsa does a mean impersonation of her dad.
妈妈突然爆发出一阵大笑。爱莎对爸爸的模仿还挺刻薄的。
“Your dad doesn’t exactly like conflict.” Mum giggles.
“你爸爸不太喜欢冲突。”妈妈咯咯笑着说。
“All superheroes have to make sacrifices, darling,” she tries at last.
“所有超级英雄都必须做出牺牲，宝贝。”她最后试着解释。
Mum looks as if she’s looking for the right word. And once she finds it, she brightens and smiles radiantly.
妈妈似乎在找合适的词。而找到之后，她立刻笑得无比灿烂。
Elsa stares down into the cavity in the door.
爱莎盯着车门上的小口。
Mum is silent.
妈妈沉默了。
And she misses someone who gets out and shouts at men in silver-colored cars.
她也很怀念那个会冲下车对着银色轿车里的男人怒吼的人。
Elsa’s father told that story. He almost never tells stories, but one Midsummer Eve — at the time when Mum was looking sadder and sadder and going to bed earlier and earlier and Dad sat on his own in the kitchen at night and reorganized the icons on Mum’s computer screen and cried — they were at a party together, all three of them. And then Dad drank three beers and told a story about how Mum, while heavily pregnant with Elsa, got out of the car and went up to a man in a silver car and threatened to “give birth here and now on his sodding hood if he honked at her again!” Everyone laughed a lot at that story. Not Dad, of course, because he’s not a big fan of laughing. But Elsa saw that even he found it funny. He danced with Mum that Midsummer. That was the last time Elsa saw them dancing together. Dad is spectacularly bad at dancing; he looks like a very large bear that has just got up and realizes its foot has gone to sleep. Elsa misses it.
爱莎的爸爸跟她讲过这个故事。他几乎从不讲故事。那是一个仲夏的夜晚，他们去参加一个派对，三个人一起。那段日子里妈妈看上去越来越沮丧，上床睡觉的时间也越来越早，爸爸晚上会独自坐在厨房，重新整理妈妈电脑桌面上的图标，哭泣。那天爸爸喝了三罐啤酒，讲了一件妈妈的往事。她怀着爱莎快生产时，曾下车冲到一辆银色轿车面前，威胁坐在车里的男人说，如果他再敢朝她按喇叭，她就他妈的现在直接在他的引擎盖上生娃！这个故事让每个人都哈哈大笑。当然爸爸没笑，因为他不太喜欢大笑。但爱莎看得出来，其实他也觉得这故事很有趣。他和妈妈在那个仲夏夜一同跳舞。那是爱莎最后一次见他们俩共舞。爸爸极其不擅长跳舞，他看上去像只刚起床的大熊，双脚还睡着呢。爱莎很怀念那段时光。
When he doesn’t answer right away, she slams the book down again three more times, and points at him menacingly.
他没有立刻回答，于是她又用书砸了三下，恶狠狠地指着他。
The man in the silver car stares at her as if he can’t quite believe what just happened.
那银色轿车里的男人盯着她，似乎不敢相信刚刚发生的事。
“ENOUGH, you muppet!”
“够了！你个白痴！”
The man in the silver-colored car behind them beeps again. Elsa picks up her backpack from the floor, gets out the heaviest book she can find, throws the door open, and jumps out onto the highway. She hears Mum shouting for her to come back, but without turning around she runs towards the silver car and slams the book as hard as she can into its hood. It leaves a big dent. Elsa’s hands are shaking.
她们身后的银色轿车里，那个男人又开始“哔哔哔——”地按喇叭。爱莎捡起地上的背包，找出一本最重的书，猛地打开门，跳到车道上。她听见妈妈叫她快回来，但她头也不回地朝那辆银色轿车跑去，然后用最大的力气把书砸在了轿车的引擎盖上。引擎盖上砸出了个小坑。爱莎双手发抖。
“Do you get that my mum is PREGNANT?”
“你知道我妈妈怀孕了吗？”
Elsa hears the click of the doors locking.
爱莎听见车门锁上的声音。
“One more peep and my mum comes out and gives birth to Halfie on YOUR BLOODY HOOD!” roars Elsa.
“再‘哔’一声，我妈妈就会下车，在你他妈的引擎盖上把‘小半’给生出来！”爱莎咆哮。
At first, the man looks as if he’s going to open the door. But then he seems to change his mind, and watches in amazement as she pummels the hood with her book.
一开始，那男人似乎打算开门，但好像又改变了主意，惊愕地看着爱莎继续用她的书砸引擎盖。
She stays where she is on the highway between the silver car and Kia, hyperventilating, until she gets a headache. She hears Mum yelling, and Elsa is actually on her way back into Kia, she really is. It’s not as if she planned all this. But then she feels a hand on her shoulder and hears a voice, asking: “Do you need help?”
她站在银色轿车和起亚中间的车道上，直到呼吸过度，开始头疼。她听见妈妈尖叫时，已经往起亚那儿走了。真的，她并没有计划这么做。她感到一只手搭上了肩膀，有人问：“需要帮忙吗？”
“I mean, it’s not…” Elsa begins.
“我的意思是，不是…”爱莎开口。
And when she turns around there’s a policeman standing over her.
她转过身，一个警察站在她面前。
“He keeps beeping his horn at us!” Elsa says defensively.
“他一直冲我们按喇叭！”爱莎防备地说。
The summer-intern policeman looks at the man in the silver car. The man inside the car is now terrifically busy not looking back. Elsa turns towards Kia, and she really doesn’t mean to say it, it’s almost as if the words accidentally fall out of her mouth.
“暑期工”警察看了看银色轿车里的男人。那男人现在慌张到不敢看过来。爱莎转向起亚，她真不想说这些的，但语句就像不小心从她嘴里掉出来一般。
“Your mother’s in labor?” he asks, visibly tightening.
“你妈妈在分娩？”他明显紧张了起来。
“Can we help you?” he says again in a friendly tone of voice.
“我能帮你吗？”他用友善的语气重复。
“Are you able to drive? Or…?” shouts the policeman so loudly that Elsa irately shoves her fingers in her ears and moves demonstratively to the other side of Kia.
“你能开车吗？还是…”警察大声呼喊，大得爱莎用手指塞住了耳朵，作势要朝起亚的另一侧走去。
But of course it’s too late.
当然太晚了。
The policeman runs up to Kia. Mum has managed to get out with great effort, and is on her way towards them with her hand against Halfie.
警察跑向起亚。妈妈正在费力地下车，一手扶着“小半”。
He looks very young. As if he’s only working as a policeman as a summer job. Even though it’s winter.
他看起来很年轻，就好像当警察只是他的暑期实习工作。虽说现在是冬天。
“My mum’s about to give birth and we’re sort of having a hard day here –“
“我妈妈要生孩子了，我们今天过得很辛苦——”
Mum thumps back into the seat. Looks at Elsa. Elsa searches the glove compartment for a reason not to have to look back at her.
妈妈重重地落回座位，看着爱莎。爱莎在仪表台上的储物箱里装作找东西的样子，好不必转头看她。
“I think he wants you to follow him,” mumbles Elsa without looking up.
“我觉得他想让你跟着他。”爱莎头也不抬地小声咕哝。
“I didn’t! But no one ever listens to me!”
“我才没有！但从来都没人听我说话！”
“Why did you tell him I was about to give birth?”
“你为什么要跟他说，我快生了？”
“What’s going on?” whispers Mum while Kia carefully potters along behind the patrol car.
“发生什么事了？”妈妈开着起亚慢悠悠地跟上巡逻车。
“What? Or what? Of course I can drive. Or what? Is there something wro –“
“什么？还是什么？我当然能开车。还是什么啊？到底有什么不对——”
Mum looks slightly as if she’s been caught off balance.
妈妈看起来有点儿像是被抓了痛脚。
The patrol car thunders past with its sirens turned on. The summer-intern policeman waves frantically at them to follow behind.
巡逻车开着警笛，飞速驶过。“暑期工”警察冲她们拼命挥手，让她们跟着他。
“I’ll go on ahead!” yells the policeman without listening to the end of the sentence, shoving Mum back into Kia and running back to his patrol car.
“我在前面开路！”警察没听完就喊道，把妈妈塞回起亚，然后跑回他的巡逻车。
“Right! And what should I do now, do you think?” hisses Mum back, sounding possibly a bit less self-controlled now.
“好吧！那我现在该怎么办，你说？”妈妈不满地说，声音听上去有一丁点儿失控。
“I guess he’s escorting us to the hospital, because he thinks you’re about to, y’know, give birth,” mumbles Elsa into the glove compartment.
“我猜他是要护送我们去医院，因为他觉得你快要…你知道的…生了。”爱莎冲着储物箱含糊不清地说。
“OH, REALLY, YOU THINK SO?!” Mum roars in a way that is neither pedagogical nor especially self-controlled.
“哦？真的啊！你也这么认为是吗？！”妈妈的怒吼听上去既不是说教，也没有什么自控。
Elsa chooses not to enter into a discussion of whether Mum is being sarcastic or ironic there.
如果妈妈用讽刺或者嘲弄的口气说话，爱莎不会选择去搭话的。
“Well, we’ve been driving behind him for ages now, so he’ll probably get quite pissed if he finds out you’re not actually going to give birth for real,” Elsa states pedagogically.
“呃，我们已经开在他后头挺久了，如果他发现你不是真的快生了，大概会蛮生气的吧。”爱莎用说教的口气说。
They stop outside the hospital’s emergency entrance and Mum attempts to get out of the car and confess everything to the summer-intern policeman. But he pushes her back into the car and yells that he’s going to fetch help. Mum looks mortified. This is her hospital. She’s the boss here.
她们在医院的急诊入口外停车，妈妈想下车向“暑期工”警察坦白一切。但他将她推回车里，大喊着说他去找人帮忙。妈妈显得十分尴尬。这是她的医院。她是这儿的老板。
Mum doesn’t answer. Elsa clears her throat again.
妈妈没有回答，爱莎又清了清嗓子。
“This is going to be a nightmare to explain to the staff,” she mumbles and rests her forehead in despair against the steering wheel.
“我该怎么跟员工解释啊，简直是场噩梦。”她喃喃自语，额头绝望地抵在方向盘上。
“Maybe you could say it was some sort of exercise?” Elsa suggests.
“也许你可以说，这是某种演习？”爱莎建议道。
Mum smiles faintly and turns her head so her ear is on the steering wheel. They look at each other for a long time.
妈妈微微一笑，转过头，耳朵靠在方向盘上。她们对视了很久。
“Granny would have thought this was fun.”
“外婆肯定会觉得这很好笑。”
“What?” Mum exclaims.
“啊？”妈妈说。
Elsa nods slowly. Mum caresses her arm. Elsa opens and closes the glove compartment. Then she looks up as if she’s just thought of something, but mostly because she’d like to change the subject, because she doesn’t want to think about how angry she is with Granny right now.
爱莎缓缓点头。妈妈抚摸着她的手臂。爱莎反复打开又关上仪表台上的储物箱。然后，她抬起头，仿佛想到了什么，但主要是因为想转移话题，她现在不愿总想着自己对外婆有多生气。
“I’m not a mum!”
“我又不是位母亲！”
“Don’t swear,” says Elsa.
“别说脏话。”爱莎说。
“What job was it?” she asks, mainly so she doesn’t have to think about it.
“什么工作？”她为了不让自己胡思乱想，开口问妈妈。
Elsa opens and closes the glove compartment a few times. Looks up at the hospital façade. Behind one of those windows, she slept in the same bed as Granny the night Granny went off to Miamas for the last time. It feels like forever ago. Feels like forever since Elsa managed to get to Miamas on her own.
爱莎把仪表台上的储物箱开开关关了好几次，抬头看着医院。在某一扇窗户后面，她曾在外婆最后一次去密阿玛斯时，和她睡在同一张床上。感觉上那是很久很久以前的事了，自从爱莎找到了自己一个人去密阿玛斯的方法。
“You’re always swearing!”
“你总是说脏话！”
Mum smiles again. “Touché.”
妈妈又笑了。“也是。”
“You said that thing with the tsunami was Granny’s last journey because she had found a new job. What job was it?”
“你说，海啸那次是外婆最后一次旅程，因为她有了份新工作。是什么工作啊？”
Mum’s fingertips brush against Elsa’s when she whispers the answer. “As a grandmother. She got a job as a grandmother. She never went away again.”
妈妈的手指扫过爱莎的手指，小声地回答：“外婆。她的新工作就是当一位外婆。她之后再也没有离开过。”
“She would have found it bloody funny,” agrees Mum.
“她的确会觉得这他妈好笑死了。”妈妈点了点头。
“Why not?”
“为什么？”
Mum dabs her eyes. “They were never married, darling.”
妈妈轻拭着自己的眼睛。“他们没结过婚，亲爱的。”
Elsa shrugs. “We have to talk about something while we’re waiting for the policeman to come back with the people you’re the boss of and everything gets mega-embarrassing for you…”
爱莎耸耸肩。“我们总得说点儿什么，反正等着也是等着——等警察带着你的手下回来，搞得你超级尴尬…”
Mum looks unhappy again. Elsa fiddles with the rubber seal. Realizes that it was obviously too early to start making jokes about it.
妈妈看上去又不开心了。爱莎扯着橡胶密封条，意识到现在就拿这事来开玩笑明显为时过早。
“Did Granddad and Granny run low on love as well?” she asks, when Mum has finished laughing.
“外公和外婆也没有爱了吗？”妈妈笑声停下后，爱莎问。
“It’s my own theory.”
“这是我自己的理论。”
Mum laughs very loudly, without any warning. Elsa grins.
没有任何预警，妈妈突然大声笑了起来。爱莎也咧嘴笑了。
“How do you mean?”
“什么意思？”
“Don’t people get married because they’re full of love and then divorced when they run out of it?” she says in a low voice.
“人们不是因为充满爱而结婚，没有爱了才离婚的吗？”她低声说。
“Did you learn that one in school?”
“你在学校学的？”
Mum leans back. Pulls her fingers through her hair and shakes her head.
妈妈向后靠去，手指插在头发里，摇了摇头。
“Your granny was special, Elsa. She was difficult to live with.”
“你的外婆很特别，爱莎。跟她一起生活不是件容易的事。”
“Why are you asking?”
“你干吗问这个？”
“Did you and Dad get divorced because you ran out of love?” she asks so quickly that the question actually surprises her.
“你和爸爸离婚是因为你们之间没有爱情了，是吗？”她脱口而出的问题让自己也吃了一惊。
Mum goes quiet. Elsa raises her eyebrows as a way of telling her to get to the point.
妈妈陷入沉默。爱莎抬起眉毛，示意她快说重点。
Mum massages her eyelids.
妈妈按摩着她的眼皮。
Elsa shrugs. “It’s complicated,” she says.
爱莎耸了耸肩，说：“这事一时说不清。”
“Did she have many boyfriends?”
“她有很多男朋友吗？”
“It’s difficult to explain. But in those days it can’t have been so common for women to be like her. I mean… it can’t have been so common for anyone to be like her. It wasn’t common for women to become doctors in those days, for example. As for surgeons, forget it. The academic world would have been quite different… so…”
“这很难解释清楚。但在那个年代，像她那样的女人很不寻常。其实…那个年代像她那样的人就很不寻常。比方说，那时女医生就很稀奇，更不要说是女性的外科医生。那时的学术界和现在很不一样…所以…”
“I think if your granny had been a man of her generation rather than a woman, she would have been called a ‘playboy.’ ”
“我想，如果你外婆不是女人，而是个男人，她那一代人大概会说她是个‘花花公子’。”
“Oh, well I wouldn’t want to suggest that the girl in your school is a –” says Mum, feverishly backtracking.
“哦，好吧，我不是说你学校那个女孩是个…”妈妈紧张地改口。
“Yes,” says Mum cautiously.
“是的。”妈妈小心翼翼地说。
“There’s someone in my school who has many boyfriends,” states Elsa.
“我们学校里也有个人有很多男朋友。”爱莎说。
Even though it really isn’t. But Mum doesn’t look massively less confused.
其实这事很容易说清楚。但妈妈看上去困惑得很。
“He’s a boy,” Elsa corrects.
“那是个男孩。”爱莎纠正道。
Mum looks confused.
妈妈看上去很困惑。
Elsa is silent for a long while. Then she nods soberly.
爱莎安静了许久，然后严肃地点了点头。
“She was a fantastic grandmother, Elsa. You were all her second chances,” says Mum and caresses Elsa’s hair as she goes on: “I think your grandmother functioned so well in chaotic places because she was herself chaotic. She was always amazing in the midst of a catastrophe. It was just all this, everyday life and normality, that she didn’t quite know how to handle. “And it was just… I mean… the reason there aren’t any old photos of Granny is partly because she wasn’t home very often. And slightly because I tore up all the ones there were.”
“她是个了不起的外婆，爱莎。你是她的第二次机会，”妈妈抚摸着爱莎的头发说，“我认为你外婆之所以在混乱的地方运转正常，是因为她本身一团糟。她在灾难中总是能大显身手，反而是这些日常生活和常态让她不知道该怎么应对。只是…我是说…家里没有外婆旧照片的原因不光是她常常不在家，还因为我把那些有她的照片都撕了。”
“I get it,” says Elsa, because she has the Internet.
“明白。”爱莎说，因为她有互联网。
“I’m sorry that Granny was a crappy mum, Mum!”
“我很遗憾，外婆是个糟糕的妈妈，妈妈！”
“Your granddad loved your granny very much. But they were never a… couple. Do you understand?”
“你外公很爱你外婆，但他们从来不是…一对。你明白吗？”
Then she reaches out and takes Mum’s index fingers and squeezes them in her hands.
她伸手将妈妈的食指握在自己的手中。
“Why?”
“为什么？”
“I was a teenager. And angry. The two belong together. There was always chaos at home. Bills that didn’t get paid and food that went off in the fridge when we actually had food, and sometimes no food at all, and… God. It’s hard to explain, darling. I was just angry.”
“我那时才十几岁，很容易生气。那个年纪都那样。家里总是一片混乱。账单没付，冰箱里的食物过期，有时候根本都没吃的，还有…天啊，一言难尽，亲爱的。反正我那时很容易生气。”
Mum’s lips fold in on themselves.
妈妈抿住双唇。
“People shouldn’t have children if they don’t want to take care of them.”
“如果不想照顾小孩，那就不应该生孩子。”
Mum shrugs. “I taught myself to fix things on my own, that’s all. Because I didn’t trust your grandmother. In the end, things were even worse when she was actually here. I was angry at her when she was away, and even angrier when she was home.”
妈妈耸了耸肩。“我教会自己如何处理事情，就只是这样而已。因为我不信任你的外婆。到后来，她真的在家时，情况反而更加糟糕。她离开时我很生气，而她在家时我更生气。”
“An accident.”
“一场意外。”
“In that case, I’m an accident as well.”
“那么我也是一场意外。”
Elsa presses her chin down over her wishbone.
爱莎低下头，下巴抵着锁骨。
“So you were a mistake?”
“所以你是个错误？”
Mum reaches out, touches her shoulder with her fingertips.
妈妈伸手，用指尖轻触爱莎的肩膀。
“Your granny was old when she had me. Or, what I mean is, she was as old as I was when I had you. But that was old in Granny’s times. And she didn’t think she could have children. She’d had herself tested.”
“你外婆怀我的时候，年纪已经大了。或者说，跟我怀你的时候一样大。但在外婆的时代，那算是高龄孕妇。她那时候以为自己已经不能生孩子了，她给自己做过测试。”
“No one has ever wanted something as much as your father and I wanted you, darling. You’re about as far from an accident as anyone can get.”
“你爸爸和我想要你的心情胜过这个世界上任何人想要任何东西的心情，亲爱的。你绝对不是什么意外。”
Elsa looks up at Kia’s ceiling and blinks the haziness out of her eyes.
爱莎抬头看着起亚的车顶，眨去眼睛里的泪花。
Elsa crosses her arms and leans back in her seat and glares out of the window.
爱莎交叉手臂，靠向椅背，盯着窗外。
“Is that why order is your superpower? Because you don’t want to be like Granny?”
“你的超能力之所以是秩序，就是因为这个吗？因为你不想跟外婆一样？”
Elsa’s jaw is trembling.
爱莎的下巴颤抖着。
“I’m angry too… I’m angry because she lied about being sick and no one told me and now I know and I still miss her and THAT makes me angry!!!”
“我也很生气…我气她对我隐瞒生病的事，没人告诉我，现在我知道了，但居然还那么想她。这让我气死了！”
“Me too,” whispers Mum.
“我也是。”妈妈轻轻说。
“I’m angry with her for dying. I’m angry with her for dying and disappearing from me,” she whispers.
“我气她死了。我气她死了，从我身边消失。”她小声说。
Elsa turns a couple of inches towards Mum. Mum turns a couple of inches towards Elsa.
爱莎和妈妈面面相觑。
“What do you think your granny would have done now?” asks Mum calmly.
“你觉得，你外婆现在会怎么做？”妈妈平静地问。
Mum shuts her eyelids tight and puts her forehead against Elsa’s forehead.
妈妈紧紧闭上眼睛，前额抵着爱莎的额头。
And that is when the summer-intern policeman comes charging out of the emergency doors. He has two nurses with a stretcher running behind him.
就在这时，“暑期工”警察从急诊入口冲了出来，身后跟着两个抬着担架的护士。
“She would have cleared out,” says Elsa, still with her forehead against Mum’s forehead.
“她早跑了。”爱莎的额头还抵着妈妈的前额。
The summer-intern policeman and the nurses with the stretcher are only a few yards from the car when Mum slowly nods. Then she puts Kia into gear and, with the tires spinning in the snow, skids out into the road and drives off. It’s the most irresponsible thing Elsa has ever seen her mother do.
“暑期工”警察和抬着担架的护士跑到离车只有几米远时，妈妈慢慢地点了点头。然后，她发动了起亚，轮胎在雪地中转动，一路打着滑上了路，绝尘而去。这是爱莎见过妈妈做的最不负责任的事情。
She’ll always love her for it.
为此，她会永远爱她。
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