第七章: 芙菲 Fufi
In a black neighborhood, you wouldn’t dare own a cat, especially a black cat. That would be like wearing a sign that said, “Hello, I am a witch.” That would be suicide. Since we’d moved to a colored neighborhood, my mom thought the cats would be okay. Once they were grown we let them out during the day to roam the neighborhood. Then we came home one evening and found the cats strung up by their tails from our front gate, gutted and skinned and bleeding out, their heads chopped off. On our front wall someone had written in Afrikaans, “Heks”–“Witch.”
但在黑人社区，没人敢养猫，尤其是黑猫。这几乎就像是身上戴了个牌子写着：“哈喽，我是女巫”。这种行为和自杀差不多。由于我们搬去了有色人种社区，我妈妈觉得在这边养猫应该没事了。小猫长大后，我们让它们白天出去四处游荡。有天傍晚，我们回到家发现，两只猫被人用尾巴系在我们的前门上，它们被挖了内脏，剥了皮，放完了血，头也被砍掉了。在我们的墙上，有人用南非荷兰语写着一个词，heks——女巫。
A month after we moved to Eden Park, my mother brought home two cats. Black cats. Beautiful creatures. Some woman from her work had a litter of kittens she was trying to get rid of, and my mom ended up with two. I was excited because I’d never had a pet before. My mom was excited because she loves animals. She didn’t believe in any nonsense about cats. It was just another way in which she was a rebel, refusing to conform to ideas about what black people did and didn’t do.
在搬去伊登公园一个月后，妈妈带回家两只猫。黑猫。极美的生物。她的同事有一窝小猫要送掉，她要了两只。我特别兴奋，因为我从来没有养过宠物。我妈妈也很兴奋，她特别喜欢动物，完全不信那些关于猫的瞎话。这也是她叛逆的一个方面——她从来不会因为大家觉得黑人该做什么或不该做什么而跟风。
Colored people, apparently, were no more progressive than black people on the issue of cats.
有色人种，很显然，在对待猫的态度上并不比黑人进步多少。
After the cats were killed, we took a break from pets for a while. Then we got dogs. Dogs are cool. Almost every black family I knew had a dog. No matter how poor you were, you had a dog. White people treat dogs like children or members of the family. Black people’s dogs are more for protection, a poor-man’s alarm system. You buy a dog and you keep it out in the yard. Black people name dogs by their traits. If it has stripes, you call it Tiger. If it’s vicious, you call it Danger. If it has spots, you call it Spotty. Given the finite number of traits a dog can have, pretty much everyone’s dogs have the same names; people just recycle them.
猫死了之后，我们有一段时间没有养宠物。然后我们开始养狗。狗很棒。我认识的每一个黑人家庭都养狗。不管你多穷，你都有只狗。只不过我们对待狗的方式和白人不一样。白人对待狗，就好像狗是他们的小孩或家庭成员。黑人的狗通常就是看家护院，是穷人的警报系统。你买回一只狗，只能把它放在院子里。黑人根据狗的特点给狗起名。如果身上有条纹，就叫它老虎。如果很凶，就叫它危险。如果有斑点，就叫点点。由于狗身上的特征有限，所以很多人家的狗名字都一样。人们就反复利用这些名字。
I wasn’t exactly devastated about the cats. I don’t think we’d had them long enough for me to get attached; I don’t even remember their names. And cats are dicks for the most part. As much as I tried they never felt like real pets. They never showed me affection nor did they accept any of mine. Had the cats made more of an effort, I might have felt like I had lost something. But even as a kid, looking at these dead, mutilated animals, I was like, “Well, there you have it. Maybe if they’d been nicer, they could have avoided this.”
我并没有特别伤心。我觉得我和那两只猫相处的时间不够长，还没有产生很深的感情。我甚至不记得它们的名字了。而且猫大多数时候挺混蛋的。我再怎么努力，它们也不像真正的宠物。它们不会向我表达感情，也不接受我的感情。要是猫能和我更亲密一些，可能我当时会更难过。但是，作为小孩，我看着这些死去的动物残肢，我想的是：“好吧，就这样了。如果它们能乖一点儿，可能就不会发生这样的事了。”
Panther was my mom’s dog; Fufi was mine. Fufi was beautiful. Clean lines, happy face. She looked like a perfect bull terrier, only skinnier because of the Maltese mixed in. Panther, who was more half-and-half, came out weird and scruffy-looking. Panther was smart. Fufi was dumb as shit. At least we always thought she was dumb as shit. Whenever we called them, Panther would come right away, but Fufi wouldn’t do anything. Panther would run back and get Fufi and then they’d both come. It turned out that Fufi was deaf. Years later Fufi died when a burglar was trying to break into our house. He pushed the gate over and it fell on her back and broke her spine. We took her to the vet and she had to be put down. After examining her, the vet came over and gave us the news.
豹子是我妈妈的，芙菲是我的。芙菲很漂亮，身上有着清晰的条纹，脸上总是带着开心的表情。她看起来就是一只完美的牛头梗，只不过要瘦一些，因为混了一点儿马耳他犬的血统。豹子则是又像牛头梗又像马耳他犬，看上去就比较怪，乱七八糟的。豹子很聪明，芙菲则笨到了家。至少我们觉得笨。每次叫她们俩，豹子会立刻跑过来，芙菲则毫无反应。豹子会再跑回去叫芙菲，她们俩再一起跑过来。后来我们才知道，芙菲听不见。很多年后，芙菲死于一场意外，有个小偷想进我们家偷东西，他推倒了门，门砸在芙菲的身上，砸断了她的脊柱。我们带她去找兽医，兽医将她安乐死了。在给她做过检查后，兽医对我们说。
We’d never had dogs in Soweto. Then one day some lady at my mom’s work offered us two puppies. They weren’t planned puppies. This woman’s Maltese poodle had been impregnated by the bull terrier from next door, a strange mix. My mom said she’d take them both. She brought them home, and I was the happiest kid on earth.
我们在索韦托没有养过狗。有一天，我妈的另一位同事给了她两只小狗，不是纯种狗，是这个同事家的马耳他犬和隔壁的牛头梗交配生下来的奇怪杂交种。我妈妈说她两只都要了。她把她们带回家后，我成了世界上最快乐的小孩。
My mom named them Fufi and Panther. Fufi, I don’t know where her name came from. Panther had a pink nose, so she was Pink Panther and eventually just Panther. They were two sisters who loved and hated each other. They would look out for each other, but they would also fight all the time. Like, blood fights. Biting. Clawing. It was a strange, gruesome relationship.
妈妈给她们起名叫芙菲和豹子。芙菲，我不知道这个名字是什么意思。豹子有个粉鼻头，所以她是粉红豹，然后就简化成了豹子。她们互相照应，但也经常打架。是真打，会流血的那种撕咬与抓挠。她们之间的关系奇怪又可怕。
“No, we thought it was stupid.”
“不知道，我们以为她只是笨。”
“What?”
“什么？”
“You didn’t know your dog was deaf?”
“你们不知道这只狗听不见？”
Fufi could do all sorts of tricks. She could jump super high. I mean, Fufi could jump. I could hold a piece of food out above my own head and she’d leap up and grab it like it was nothing. If YouTube had been around, Fufi would have been a star.
芙菲有很多本事。譬如她跳得很高，我是说，她特别能跳。如果我把食物举过头顶，她也可以跳起来一口咬掉，轻轻松松。如果那会儿就有视频网站的话，芙菲早就红了。
“It must have been strange for your family living with a dog that was deaf,” he said.
“和一只耳聋的狗相处应该蛮奇怪的吧。”医生说。
Fufi was the love of my life. Beautiful but stupid. I raised her. I potty-trained her. She slept in my bed. A dog is a great thing for a kid to have. It’s like a bicycle but with emotions.
芙菲是我的最爱，漂亮又愚蠢。我养大了她，教会了她怎么上厕所，睡在我的床上。作为小孩，能拥有一只狗是一件超棒的事，就好像拥有了一辆有感情的自行车。
Fufi was a little rascal as well. During the day we kept the dogs in the backyard, which was enclosed by a wall at least five feet high. After a while, every day we’d come home and Fufi would be sitting outside the gate, waiting for us. We were always confused. Was someone opening the gate? What was going on? It never occurred to us that she could actually scale a five-foot wall, but that was exactly what was happening. Every morning, Fufi would wait for us to leave, jump over the wall, and go roaming around the neighborhood.
芙菲也有点儿狡猾。我们把她们养在后院，后院的墙至少有一米五高。养了一段时间后，我们每天傍晚到家时，发现芙菲都坐在门外，等着我们开门。我们很困惑，是有人把门打开过吗？怎么回事。我们从来没想到，芙菲可以跳过一米五的围墙，但真的是这样。每天早晨，她都等着我们出门，然后跳过围墙，在周围转悠。
That’s when we realized that their whole lives the one dog had been telling the other dog what to do somehow. The smart, hearing one was helping the dumb, deaf one.
那时我们才意识到，原来她们一辈子的相处模式都是由一只狗告诉另一只狗该做什么。聪明且听得到的那只，一直在帮助蠢笨又听不到的那只。
I caught her one day when I was home for the school holidays. My mom had left for work and I was in the living room. Fufi didn’t know I was there; she thought I was gone because the car was gone. I heard Panther barking in the backyard, looked out, and there was Fufi, scaling the wall. She’d jumped, scampered up the last couple of feet, and then she was gone.
有天我把她抓了个现行。那天学校放假，我妈妈去上班了，我在客厅待着。芙菲不知道我在家，以为我走了，因为车子开走了。我听到豹子在院子里叫，望出去，看到芙菲正试图越过围墙。她高高跳起来，在接近墙头的位置用爪子扒拉几下蹬了上去，然后就消失了。
I couldn’t believe this was happening. I ran out front, grabbed my bicycle, and followed her to see where she was going. She went a long way, many streets over, to another part of the neighborhood. Then she went up to this other house and jumped over their wall and into their backyard. What the hell was she doing? I went up to the gate and rang the doorbell. This colored kid answered.
我简直不敢相信。我跑出前门，抓起自行车，跟着她，看她要去哪里。她跑了很远的路，穿过许多条街，到了另一个街区。她径直走向其中一栋房子，跳过围墙，跳进了那家人的后院。她到底在干吗啊？我跑到前门，按响门铃。一个有色人种小孩打开门。
“What?”
“什么？”
“My dog. She’s in your yard.”
“我的狗。她在你的院子里。”
“May I help you?” he said.
“有什么事吗？”他说。
“Yeah. My dog is in your yard.”
“我的狗跑到你家院子里了。”
This kid looked at Fufi and called her by some other stupid name, Spotty or some bullshit like that.
这个小孩看着芙菲，用另一个蠢名字叫她，点点还是什么鬼。
Fufi walked up and stood between us.
这时芙菲走过来，站在我俩中间。
“Fufi, come!” I said. “Let’s go!”
“芙菲，过来！”我说，“咱们走！”
Then he went into the house and got his mom and she came out.
然后他跑回去喊他妈妈，他妈妈走了出来。
“What do you want?” she said.
“你要干吗？”她问。
“Fufi!”
“芙菲！”
“Give me back my dog!”
“把我的狗还给我！”
Of course, since Fufi was deaf she didn’t respond to “Spotty” or “Fufi.” She just stood there. I started cursing the kid out.
当然了，芙菲听不见，所以她对“点点”和“芙菲”这两个名字都没有反应。她只是呆呆地站在原地。我开始骂那个小孩。
“Whoa, whoa,” I said. “Spotty? That’s Fufi!”
“什么？”我说，“点点？那是芙菲！”
“This is Spotty!”
“这是点点！”
“Fufi!”
“芙菲！”
“Spotty!”
“点点！”
“Spotty, go back inside the house.”
“点点，回屋。”
“How could this be Spotty? She doesn’t even have spots. You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“这怎么可能是点点？她身上根本没有斑点。你在瞎说什么啊。”
“No, this is Spotty.”
“不，这是点点。”
“I don’t know who you are,” he said, “but you better get out of here.”
“我不认识你，”他说，“你最好赶紧离开我家。”
“No, that’s Fufi, my friend.”
“不不，这是芙菲，我的朋友。”
“No, that’s my dog, Spotty.”
“不，这是我的狗点点。”
I started crying. “Why are you stealing my dog?!” I turned to Fufi and begged her. “Fufi, why are you doing this to me?! Why, Fufi?! Why?!” I called to her. I begged her to come. Fufi was deaf to my pleas. And everything else.
我开始大哭。“你们为什么要偷我的狗？！”我转向芙菲，开始乞求她。“芙菲，你为什么要这么对我？！为什么，芙菲？！为什么？！”我不断叫她名字，我求她过来。芙菲听不到我的乞求，她什么也听不到。
“That’s my dog!”
“那是我的狗！”
“This is our dog. Go away.”
“这是我们家的狗。走开！”
I jumped onto my bike and raced home, tears running down my face. I loved Fufi so much. To see her with another boy, acting like she didn’t know me, after I raised her, after all the nights we spent together. I was heartbroken.
我跳上自行车，冲回家，一路涕泪横流。我是那么爱芙菲。我养了她这么久，我们在一起度过了那么多个夜晚，现在却看到她和另一个男孩在一起，好像不认识我一样，我伤心欲绝。
This lady lied to my mom’s face. “This is not your dog. We bought this dog.”
那个女人当着我妈的面撒谎：“这不是你的狗。这狗是我们买的。”
They went back and forth. This woman wasn’t budging, so we went home to get evidence: pictures of us with the dogs, certificates from the vet. I was crying the whole time, and my mom was losing her patience with me. “Stop crying! We’ll get the dog! Calm down!”
她们像这样来回拉扯。那个女人不肯让步，所以我们回家去找证据：我们和两只狗的照片，还有兽医的证明。全程我一直在哭，我妈开始对我失去耐心了：“别哭了！我们会把狗拿回来的！镇静点儿！”
“Look, this is our dog.”
“你好，这是我们的狗。”
That evening Fufi didn’t come home. Because the other family thought I was coming to steal their dog, they had decided to lock her inside, so she couldn’t make it back the way she normally did to wait for us outside the fence. My mom got home from work. I was in tears. I told her Fufi had been kidnapped. We went back to the house. My mom rang the bell and confronted the mom.
那天傍晚，芙菲没有回来。因为另一家人觉得我会去偷狗，决定把芙菲锁在家里，所以它没能像以前那样回家，在门口等我们。我妈下班了，我仍在哭，我告诉她芙菲被拐跑了。我们回到那个人家，我妈妈按响了门铃，见到了那个小孩的妈妈。
We gathered up our documentation and went back to the house. This time we brought Panther with us, as part of the proof. My mom showed this lady the pictures and the information from the vet. She still wouldn’t give us Fufi. My mom threatened to call the police. It turned into a whole thing. Finally my mom said, “Okay, I’ll give you a hundred rand.”
我们把所有的证明文件准备好，又去了那人家。这次我们带上了豹子，也算是证据之一。我妈妈给这个女人看了照片和兽医证明，但她还是不肯把芙菲还给我们。我妈妈威胁要报警。事情越闹越大。最后我妈妈说：“好吧，我可以给你一百兰特。”
“You didn’t buy the dog. It’s our dog.”
“你并没有买过这条狗，这是我们的狗。”
My mom gave her some money and she brought Fufi out. The other kid, who thought Fufi was Spotty, had to watch his mother sell the dog he thought was his. Now he started crying. “Spotty! No! Mom, you can’t sell Spotty!” I didn’t care. I just wanted Fufi back.
我妈妈交了钱，领回了芙菲。这时另一个小孩，一直以为芙菲是点点，却看着自己的妈妈卖了“自己”的狗。这次轮到他开始哭了：“点点！不要！妈妈，你不能卖了点点！”我才不管，我只要芙菲回来。
Once Fufi saw Panther she came right away. The dogs left with us and we walked. I sobbed the whole way home, still heartbroken. My mom had no time for my whining.
芙菲看到豹子，立刻跑了过来。我们带着两只狗离开了。回家路上我一直在抽泣，依旧感觉心碎。我妈妈受不了我的唧唧歪歪。
“Why are you crying?!”
“你怎么还在哭？！”
“Because Fufi loves another boy.”
“因为芙菲爱上了另一个男孩。”
“Fine,” the lady said.
“好吧。”那女人说。
“So? Why would that hurt you? It didn’t cost you anything. Fufi’s here. She still loves you. She’s still your dog. So get over it.”
“所以呢？你有什么好伤心的？你又没少什么。芙菲在这里。她还是爱你的。她还是你的狗。该翻篇儿了。”
I believed that Fufi was my dog, but of course that wasn’t true. Fufi was a dog. I was a boy. We got along well. She happened to live in my house. That experience shaped what I’ve felt about relationships for the rest of my life: You do not own the thing that you love. I was lucky to learn that lesson at such a young age. I have so many friends who still, as adults, wrestle with feelings of betrayal. They’ll come to me angry and crying and talking about how they’ve been cheated on and lied to, and I feel for them. I understand what they’re going through. I sit with them and buy them a drink and I say, “Friend, let me tell you the story of Fufi.”
我相信芙菲是我的狗，当然这并不是真的。芙菲是只狗。我是个小孩。我们在一起玩得很开心。只是恰巧她住在我们家而已。这段经历影响了日后我对于感情的看法：你并不拥有你所爱的人。我很幸运，可以在那么小的年纪就学到这个道理。我有很多朋友，在成年以后，依然会因为被人背叛而悲痛欲绝。他们会找到我，胸中充满愤怒，向我哭诉自己是如何被人背叛，被欺骗，而我完全可以感同身受。我理解他们所遭遇的这一切。我会和他们坐下来，点杯喝的，对他们说：“朋友，我来给你讲一个芙菲的故事吧。”
Fufi was my first heartbreak. No one has ever betrayed me more than Fufi. It was a valuable lesson to me. The hard thing was understanding that Fufi wasn’t cheating on me with another boy. She was merely living her life to the fullest. Until I knew that she was going out on her own during the day, her other relationship hadn’t affected me at all. Fufi had no malicious intent.
我人生中第一次那么伤心就是因为芙菲。没人像芙菲那样背叛过我。这对我来说是非常宝贵的一课。难的是，我需要明白芙菲并没有背叛我去和别人在一起。她只是在尽情地过她的生活。在我知道她白天会偷偷溜出去玩之前，她和另一家人的关系并没有影响到她和我之间的感情。芙菲并没有恶意。
“Because he’s a piece of you,” she said, “and if you don’t find him you won’t find yourself.”
“因为他是你人生的一部分，”她说，“如果你不去找他，你就找不到自己。”
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When I was twenty-four years old, one day out of the blue my mother said to me, “You need to find your father.”
在我24岁的时候，有一天我母亲突然对我说：“你得去找你父亲。”
“It’s not about knowing who you are. It’s about him knowing who you are, and you knowing who he is. Too many men grow up without their fathers, so they spend their lives with a false impression of who their father is and what a father should be. You need to find your father. You need to show him what you’ve become. You need to finish that story.”
“这不是你知不知道你是谁的事，而是他知不知道你是谁，你又知不知道他是谁。太多人长大了却不认识自己的父亲，所以他们一辈子都带着对父亲的虚假认知，以为那就是父亲该有的样子。你需要找到你的父亲。你要告诉他你变成了怎样的人。你需要把这段故事补完。”
“Why?” I asked. At that point I hadn’t seen him in over ten years and didn’t think I’d ever see him again.
“为什么？”我问。那时我已经有十多年没见过他，而且感觉再也不会见到他。
“I don’t need him for that,” I said. “I know who I am.”
“我不用找他，”我说，“我知道我是谁。”
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